Have no emotional attachments. Nothing is permanent , material things get old and will be replaced, and of course we don't live forever. Fight back with no contact and show indifference to these sick people. They feed off of your emotions and reactions, they are energy vampires . Also they tend to be lazy and self destructive.
Hi Luis and welcome to the channel! You make an excellent point! The way to take back the power is to remove the *value* of those things they are attacking you with! Then wait for their self destructive behaviors to take over! -Duane
Great example Elizabeth, it must be nearly impossible to know that you are living with a narcissist. I suppose it could enabled you to cope and to not be emotional dysregulated, triggered, manipulated, etc but I still think it would be hard to continue that way. I know for me when I realized I was living a dream (although I still didn't know what she was) it made staying impossible. IDK - maybe had I known maybe I could have tried to manage my expectations. But we ALL deserve the opportunity to either live without chaos by ourselves and/or find someone who is a loving and supportive partner that you can actually work together to build a life. -Duane
Totally agree. Once the divorce is over, you won't want memories of the relationship to trigger you. Perhaps, pretending you want things to keep the narc preoccupied, would distract and use up the narc's energy. My narc ex wanted anything he thought I wanted. The finances were essentially split down the middle, with me getting all the family debt in exchange for my retirement benefits. Wasn't really a fair exchange since the debt continued to accrue interest higher than retirement benefits. But mostly the courts split finances down the middle. Let go of the things. I totally agree that narcs are generally lazy and self-destructive. My ex spent all the money. During the separation, he ran up $40K in debt, went on a ski vacation to Italy, then filed for bankruptcy. Joke was on him. He ruined his credit and his debt was restructured. Such an idiot. He was lazy, stupid, and unambitious. Narcs also tend to cause a lot of havoc where they work. They cause a lot of infighting and try to get other people to do their work and take credit for other people's successes. My covert narc had a computer engineering degree from a top notch school. By the age of 55, he was a "VP" of engineering for a bankrupt company using old technology and he supervised 5 engineers - 5 engineers and he was a VP over them. He made up a lie that he was a millionaire from investments in his field. He was a fraud. At the end, he wanted my retirement to pay him off to go away. I fought him, and his lawyer made him negotiate a fair settlement - the narc gave me back the $20 K he stole, we split the proceeds of the sale of our car, and we walked away.
I never told my deep dark secrets..hence he got angry and kept telling me..."Get real or get out!" Now I understand what he was doing....tell me your secrets or get out!
Hide your fear. When it comes to your kids, DO NOT react to anything they do because there's nothing you can do about it most of the time anyway. You just have to learn to let go of control. Stop caring what people know about you. It's very freeing. My ex put in personal details about me in his affadavit that were completely unnecessary, just to embarrass and humiliate me. I just had to deal with it, and if that didn't bother me then he couldn't hurt me. Just keep letting go so as not to give them any power over you.
I received a death threat 3 months back, later to find out the guy is exactly what you are sharing(a Narcissist). I even got to a point where I was paranoid and started hallucinating as a result of this trauma. I couldn't perform my day to day tasks effectively, I am thankful of the lockdown as this kept me indoors and away from the psychological events I was experiencing. This video really helped me regain my confidence. Thank you so much.
It takes time for that connection to be broken. They spend their time learning our fears and weakness and then use them for maximum effect. There is no denying the toll it takes but after a well their "spell" starts to crumble and you get your life back. I have a video that I think illustrates that point pretty well - check it out and let me know what you think - ua-cam.com/video/gLeh5lDJPvY/v-deo.html
I have finally come to see that the X uses my relationship with my kids as a fear tactic. She's always telling me how I'm going to push them away. Another tactic she always used was my anger. She knew which buttons to push to get an angry reaction out of me and as soon as it work would go into victim mode telling me that's why she couldn't communicate with me. She didn't want to communicate with me and lied to me for 23 years. She just had to keep me believing that I was the problem or her crappy childhood, which was all part of the manipulation. I'm finally starting to get it and trying some of the methods you suggest. The emotional confrontations are becoming fewer and I'm not losing sleep over trying to get her to be a better mother. Thanks for the videos.
HI Kevin - glad to hear you starting to see the light at the end fo the tunnel! You're right - our situations are very similar! The good part, if you can call it that, is once you start seeing through the lies and manipulation their power really starts to diminish. As you become calmer and more grounded through all of this everything starts to get better because you are thinking more rationally instead of emotionally. A couple years ago - again before I knew what I was dealing with - she told me how sad it was that I had an estranged relationship with our son. I had to tell her that SHE was the only one say that and SHE needed to knock it off. My son really fell into the trap. It all gets better and you're starting to see that! (Doesn't mean it's right or easy - we just learn how to deal with it in a positive way) -Duane
Kevin Hart OMG Kevin. your marriage sounds like mine. She'll press me to say something and when I fine tell her what she beggs from me she goes into victim mode and I've been abusive to her the 21 years we've been together. I now know I am being given set up for failure. I shut the door!
@@1533ramsay I went through that 6 years of marriage. I didn't even know about Narcissism until few months ago and it all clicked. She waits for me to react and then she turns into the victim
My narc mother - who discarded me a year ago after I finally had dared to step against her - is just like you described: targeting everything that she know is important to me, in every way possible. Financially as well as emotionally (specially the latter). She did this from when I was only a small child, by telling me for instance that if - not when but IF I wouldn't behave (while I had done absolutely nothing wrong) that she wouldn't love me anymore and that she would bring me back to my real mother in a heartbeat (I'm adopted at the age of 14 months). Really fun to hear this on your 6th birthday and just minutes before you are very bluntly told that you are adopted (while I'm eating the super sweetened birthday cake that she had picked while knowing that I never liked sugary stuff at all).This was just one of the MANY emotional scare tactics that she used on me when I was a child. Later on - when I got older - it changed into "If you refuse to do what I told you to do, you no longer will be my daughter and you'll be homeless". Fact is that she instilled so much fear in me over the years that I actually believed every threat. Now, 40 years later, I got a lawyer to fight back for me, because she continuously keeps harassing and threatening me and my family, even after she discarded me completely and as a result I refused to talk to her any longer whenever she tried to contact me, simply because she can't trigger the reaction she desires from me any more when once again making a threatening phonecall. Best decision I ever made! My lawyer takes care of everything now. And "mother" hates it. She didn't think I would have the guts to go against her will. Well, guess what, woman, you got what you threatened me with for so many years: you no longer have a daughter.
I wasn't sure if my wife is Narcissistic, but if this is the case the door is open to me. She has always known how far to push me so I will lose it. Now I walk away before I go there. It really make her go out of control. it happened today. I had to leave the house before I went down the rabbit hole of depression.
Mark is great progress. It took me a while to get to that point myself. But being able to recognize what is going on and not taking that bait is a real game changer. You still can be mad and irritated at her AND the situation BUT hopefully you feel better and empowered knowing you won't *allow* her to do that to you anymore! -Duane
Knowledge is power...your on to her...take it and turn the depression into courage....next time your in an arguement...look her in the face and tell her your onto her and her mask has slipped to show you who she really is.....the best defense is an offence. Blessings...
@@polskigirl8547 the worst fear of a narcissist is being exposed. I know a guy who called out his wife in front of a counselor and she exploded into narcissistic rage. She threatened to end the marriage too. You have to know her and know how to deal with her assuming you think it's worth it. Exposing her could potentially blow up in your face.
my ex-gf started with suicide threats, then moved to death threats then finally to 'I will ruin your life if you ever leave me' (probably with false allegations). I couldn't escape the financial abuse and having our common friends turned against me on her word... but when I finally decided there could be a chance of at some point she would really go for these nastier punishments, I finally moved my ass and got out! Spent the following year recovering from depression... now I think I am finally ready to move forward. Folks if you are still with your narc find ways to get out asap, it is just not worth waiting, sacrifice whatever you have to and claim your sanity back!
One can secrifece every thing but not 2 kids like milk and butter try try and you will be successful stay with them but in your power center punish this dogs with using 💯 of your brain ingnor them ,don't give control over any price , don't take on your mind any threate warn them now and then like: I will make you sell Sault, I will make you stay on road I will make you helpless nerecisst are often no value dogs groups you only have to do is keep stones in your hands and when they cross theirs bodars never get lazy hit stone 😂 react like Vladimir Putin
I never had to to deal with a narcissist until 5 days ago... I am shocked on how he was able to throw to my face everything he knew about me. From my past, to my present to my future. I am having difficulties dealing with my emotions.
Narcissistic people bluff a lot. How I deal with them: call their bluff and stare at their eyes without fear, and demand that this kind of ridiculous behavior stops.
Best thing to do is record them for future references best thing to get is a small voice recorder preferably a Sony ic px333 voice recorder where you can install a SD card that is large enough to capture entire conversations . make sure to turn off the beeping sound and use the recorder recording from the pocket. It also put these audio files in mp3 format where you can e-mail the material to a attorney or someone the narcissist talked bad about. Let their own mouth become their condemnation !!!! Your life depend on it !!!!!!
Hi Anthony and welcome to the channel! That is a good idea HOWEVER people need to make sure it is legal in their locale. I know in some areas it is legal and others it's not. So just make sure you understand the implications. If I understand it is illegal here so if one was to record you'd have to understand and only use it in the dire circumstances where - as you say - your life depends on it. -Duane
BUT !!! These people are dangerous and are the best liars in the world with any conscience. every situation and every circumstance is DIRE when dealing with the narcissist, their goal is to deny, deceive, and destroy that is their only function it's you vs. the terminator.
anthony smith they still denie it's there voice I done this and took pictures of stalking and on camera, he denied it in front of a judge and his reply it's not me there's a guy that looks like me uggh are you serious lol
@@DSD So I was thinking, even if it is illegal to record a conversation, couldn't we just use the recorded conversation to keep accurate hand written notes on the interaction. Keeping track like this would be way easier then trying to remember the conversation that took place. Just like a dictation machine. So when you go back and listen to it you can even write down what tone of voice was used or His/her exact words, time of day or night when it happens. I have to believe that documenting the situation is a good thing. We all know the Narcs lies so much I am sure its hard to keep the lies strait all the time.
True, they also try to bring things up to hurt you to if they know it hurts you, because they like to test to see if you react to them. It always happens. If you are with them long enough, you find yourself doing things back that you normally wouldn't do, and it is unhealthy. YOu are so right.
Oh my gosh!!! I've been wondering why my ex has been so constantly on the attack! You nailed it! It's so that I give up!!!! He has spent or entire marriage telling me that I am nothing because I have nothing. Everything we own is his. I can have the kids because he doesn't want them. He kind of schlepped them off. This is a major ah ha moment for me! He has been telling me for years what he expected the outcome to be. It doesn't look like it is going to turn out that way and that is why he is attacking like he is! I'm sure there is more to it but oh my gosh!! That makes sense! Thank you!!!!
Hi Leche! Yeah fear is a key tactic in their arsenal and they make good use of it. You really have to understand that and realize that just because they say something doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. Generally things typically don’t turn out the way they portray them. In my situation, as I’ve said before, she was playing like it was a done deal that she was going to get full custody and move out of state. The good thing though is sometimes (well a lot of times) that *over confidence* tends to bit them in the behind because they don’t get what they want. I suppose it also depends on *what they really want*. In my situation I was being fair, saying the kids needed both parents, and was seeking 50/50. In her case she was saying the kids needed to be protect from me, she should have full custody, and that moving out of state would protect her and the kids from me. So her position was just unrealistic from the state. My point is - if his version of reality isn’t realistic then unless you’ve done something serious more than likely there is no way for his version to come true. The sooner we all realize that will allow us to calm down and not be as severely impacted by their false narratives! So hang in there Leche you’re doing great! -Duane
Dad Surviving Divorce Thank you so much!!!! This week he was trying to have me thrown in jail. It was intense!!! I spoke to the police and they said there is no way I am going to be thrown in jail for what he is accusing me of. I was panicking! I believed it! Ugh! I totally got sucked in!!! Now I'm back to focusing on healing. And moving forward. My kids are doing amazing right now!!! There are little blips. Today my son, who is 5, told me that daddy told him it's okay to be bad at mommy's house. It's okay to be bad. What?!? Last week it was I better start being nice to daddy or I get no money. All I can do is stay calm and love on my kids. I'm back to where I was before the whole jail thing came up! I feel like I got sucked in for a little bit but I got out of the quicksand! Thank you!
@@NikkiMarvin my narc is always putting me down too. Telling me I'm nothing and I have nothing and that he has more than me. It sucks your life of all your joy.
Get the narc to clarify their intention & meaning. Tape record them saying that. Best is to tape them saying the threat, *"I'll do x to hurt you if you don't do y...but if you DO y, I won't do x"* then take that to the police & have them charged with blackmailing.
The police in my area would not arrest for blackmail. They would probably suggest a restraining order/order of protection. You would then have to get an order in olace to prevent them from harassing you.
He pretty much took everything but oddly the thing besides himself that he cares about, money, I got over half of it. I would have traded all of it for more time with my daughter and to have my dogs. But I ran out of money to fight him. The entire relationship was based on fear, really. So this one is very hard for me. I thought I'd seen his worst because he'd been abusing me for years. What I didn't expect is for him to force me to describe IN DETAIL the abuse in a deposition with his lawyer screaming at me and calling me a psycho liar. If I had any doubt that my ex is a monster it was gone that day. What kind of sick person forces you to describe horrible abuse in front of a room full of strangers and sits there looking smug? I know he'll stoop to any level. I do worry if I make him angry enough he's very capable of ending me. What has helped me is realizing it's not my fault and the things he's accused me of aren't true. It's also helped to have a family who knows he's lying and constantly telling me I'm a good mother and person. Also giving myself time to heal. I'm trying to get over the fear thing and I've gotten much better at it. I still have work to do. I've thrown myself into work and I was able to get a job I've wanted for YEARS. He wouldn't allow me to work and had me believing I couldn't hold a job. It makes me feel great to prove him wrong. And I also found a wonderful man who is so understanding. I'm glad I haven't let my ex keep from finding someone who truly loves me. And that's what I need to keep telling myself... Do not allow a narcissist to control my life in any way.
Hi Trishy - yeah giving yourself time to heal is crucial and accepting that. It is all much easier said than done but sometimes you have to just *say it* so it can start *to sink in*. There is life after this - it just that damn *time* issue that gets in the way! -Duane
Rymone Nightingale In my case I was so scared to leave. To survive I wanted to believe their was good in him. You're not a narcissist so it doesn't make sense to you. Unfortunately your dad won't change. I know how frustrating it is. It was the absolute scariest thing I did when I left him. And he'd threatened me that if I left he'd make me suffer. He kept that promise. I'm sorry you're having to watch your mom go through that. It's not easy.
HI Rymone and welcome to the channel! I agree with Trishy it is really a scary thing to be involved with. My situation wasn't physically abusive and it still took me over 20 years to finally see what was in front of me. You can be scared of the unknown and you know what you know - so it is going to be *very* hard for your mother to get to the point to walk away. Also depending on age a culture leaving just might not be something that you ever do. People can find so many different ways to justify staying in a abusive relationship. I hope you can get out of that environment soon - living in a *war zone* is not a healthy place to be. -Duane
i wish i had never told my bf about my painful past. i can't believe he'd use it to justify hitting me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi High Tides - well when they are love bombing you and mirroring everything that you ever wanted in a person you're going to feel connected and trusting to that person and open up. Unfortunately that is what these people do - they *figured you out* so they can then use that information to hurt, manipulate and control you. I hope you've been able to get away from this situation and start working on the healing process. -Duane
wow, i didnt think you'd answer. thank you. no i'm still with him, he reminds me of my father and my brother, and i know thats good and bad. thank you for caring. i am trying to work on myself so i can finally leave. and he can be so awesome 80% good 20% torture, litrerally
Hi, I know how you feel, feeling at fault and crushed. Since my parents forebad me to get angry or cry (gagged my mouth) and took it as a personal affront to them (their narcissistic religion) and since my x-narc tried to commit s and ended up in the hospital, and since he threatened me with razor blades until I had no breath and in effect 'died' (the monster looked right at me to see how I looked) and then he hid them under my pillow. I was terrified but no where to go at that long ago time. I split in two for survival. I went to a marriage counselor, he said "oh he came down on you a little hard huh?" Oh whump I was really confused. I went to a psych who put me on meds (I wasn't the one who should be on them!) I didn't know I was dealing with a bi person). I had a wonderful 'nice' facade, and I even gained weight to keep them emotionally at bay. In situations I acted like I thought they would like me to act; I was so afraid of them/insecure; I've stopped feeling sorry for them, their reactions are their own responsibility. My x-narc alienated me from my family and friends because of his self-and-others-hate. He wanted me b/c I was 'fun' but he took all the fun out of me. It took 2 acquaintances to pull the real me out of me. I think now my Soul was crying out and they are lovely loving people that I had never previously experienced. I'm afraid of telling anyone my past. I don't want to ever bring out the potential for those characteristics in another person, I don't want those thoughts in the back of their minds. I don't know if I could ever get into a relationship again. But, I just refuse to 'let them win', I'm the real winner here. I hug my fears and thank them for giving me survival. To say narc magnet is self-defeating and perpetuating (they gotcha!) if you don't mind me saying. It's like someone saying "I always attract trouble" (because they're looking for it, in you they hope! Not you but them). Try to replace fear, guilt and any shame (fault) with love, and self-respecting self-talk and self-love (a higher vibration), you'll start attracting the right people, it's working really well for me. I'm easing into it. Peace.
Hey! I just wanted to say that I'm gong through a divorce right now and I strongly suspect my wife is a narcissist. This video really hit home; I've experienced most of the threats described (throwing away all of my things, supervised visits, job loss, monetary ruin, etc.) What I've learned is that 99.999999% of the time the threat either isn't real or is blown out of proportion and more often than not will look poorly on her. I concur with the message of maintaining your emotional stability as much as possible (and if you can't, certainly don't let your narcissist know that they 'got you'.) Thanks for the great advice, and I wish you the best of luck!
Hi Mddare well the one good thing with you starting this right now her tactics will not be as effective. It is really hard because there is an emotional impact but you just have to work really hard to understand what she is trying to do (bait you) and that she will expose herself. Being at the beginning of this take a look at my interview video with Joe Cordell (ua-cam.com/video/P_qA34uk94U/v-deo.html). I would also like to recommend my *The Mindset for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery* (ua-cam.com/play/PL_m6CcV-0KF7elaJIDdEcSdSVPumeBcbS.html) especially the first video. Thank you and good luck to you! -Duane
Going through divorce now from a manipulative, selfish ,self centered wife who is a narcissist. Thank God I have no kids , nor strong bank account , property is also not on my name etc. I hope I get it fast
Thank you. Lawyer called me today saying I can’t contact him ever again. Already felt super disposable and now I feel like everything we had never existed and I’m just left completely insane.
So many fear tactics were used against me by my Covert Narcissist Husband. I realized later on what he was doing but it took a long time. I trusted him sadly. Be careful if your kind, loving& caring etc
You are exactly right. Mine got me scared, because he said he was going to take the house and kids from me. I was so afraid, until I looked at the situation. I was a great mother and he couldn't take them from me. Later when I did go thru the divorce, because he got me to take him back several times, I wanted joint custody with a schedule. He wouldn't commit and only wanted the kids when it was convenient to take the kids and when having them would make himself look good. My kids are adults now and they see him as the father he really is.
Getting the offer to go on the Dr. Phil show was everything to me and he had the power of whether that happens or not and took that away from me knowing it would help me. I was so stupid to tell him things that would help me and meant the world to me. This was the first little glimmer of hope there has been in years and it was financial freedom in terms of being able to get the help needed. He knows I needed that, yet he wanted to deprive to have that because he had the power and control to do so. He gets off on that. Same thing when he gets off from my emotional reactions and smirks when I’m at my lowest.
My head and heart hurts i was doing so well and hes destroyed me again im not even in a relationship with him anymore i just want him to leave me alone forever i dont want to hear anything about him am sure i will start feeling better soon thanks for your videos they are helping me
I sent a message on Facebook to my former friend's covert narc wife almost 4 years ago, that caused her narcissistic injury. I reached out to my former friend (who's also a covert narc) a couple of months later, and he told me they not only saved my non-threatening message in case they needed to go to the police 😕, they also told EVERYONE in their family to block me 🙄. I didn't realize it then but *after watching videos and reading articles about narcissism this year...I now know that was their way of trying to have control of me* (as I know now that telling everyone in their family to block me/shun me was a smear campaign, which is also a narc tactic used to have control over you)
As I have come to realize a lot of things I think back and remember they asked me what my biggest fear was. Even though we were together, they were scheming ahead of time. Wow.
I love you so much. You are really making sense to me what my ex husband has being doing. I am devastated by the allegations he is making about me abusing my boys.
i never did marry either of the narc men i lived with. i just couldn't do that. i had kids with the first overt narc. he did not want much to do with the kids, thankfully. we ended it by me promising that i would never collect child support from him if he would just leave us alone. that worked. the second covert narc i would not marry unless we got a pre-nupt. he had a fit about that, but i stuck to my guns. his whole family said that we don't need a pre-nupt and looked at me funny. i had heard too many stories at work from people who divorced and lost much of their retirement account. i also would not get a bank account with him because he never had a good job. 14 years later came the discard. we never married. i kept my home and i am retired comfortably. think about a pre-nupt. it sure saved me. i didn't know about narcissism until 9 months ago. it was 30 years total with these 2 relationships. sigh............. another good video Duane. so helpful!
Thank you chemtrailmary I appreciate that! You are fortunate your intuition figured it out so you DIDN'T make that mistake! You know, my opinion and observation, when a person has been really abused they just want out and they want the person to GO AWAY. If someone is claiming abuse but they want EVERYTHING they can get - I'm a little more suspect in believing that story. -Duane
I love this video....you start right from the start with help. Some videos go thru a long drawn out announcement of 'Who they are"....which gets to be too much to hear over and over and over. Thank you...Great advice.
I knew totally nothing about NPD until three months ago. All I knew was that my gut was trying to tell me something, and I literally ran away. The last few months NC have been awful, mostly because of this person's actions. I am trying to keep my chin up, and no matter what is said about me, or anything else, in the long run, it does not matter.
I ran away too with out baby to another country. My gut told me run or something very bad is gonna happen. Now we have a custody fight still scared but my familly protects us. And im not scared to sleep anynore. He tries to manipulate threaten my but i would rather die than give him my baby. He as physically agressive towards me and took his range out on the baby because i gave the child all my attention and he was jealous i have no proof of that. God help me keep my baby and take the mønster away from us.
I definitely experienced the threats to my job security. my narcissistic abuser seems a little more intense than these examples. she had a son that would backup any story she would tell and would lie if she told him to. so anytime I tried to get my own bank account she would tell me if you ruin my life I will ruin yours... you know ------------ will tell the police that you touched him if I tell him to. truly horrible
Hi Narottama Panitz and welcome to the channel! Yeah, the examples I used were a little mild. I have a friend who had a similar experience you referenced - her ex-husband had his daughter fabricate a story to threaten her credential and career. Ultimately they recanted their claim but it was a very traumatic time for her.
So true Duane. I made peace with what he might do and he certainly did them! I got to the point where I wasn’t paralyzed anymore. He made good on his word unless the attorney was able to intervene. Got some material things back that way.
Thank God for email and texting! I am so scared of my ex-husband but because communication happens through email and text I can come across like he’s not bothering me at all. If I have to see him at a school function or in court I simply do not make eye contact. Hold my head up high but inside I’m shaking like a leaf! We are always in court because I left him-it’s his life’s mission now to try and destroy me. 😔
Rage the rage fears me. My brother couldn’t upset me during a conversation I refused to engage in so he started driving recklessly until was basically begging for my life. Once he arrived to my home he acted like everything was okay and he was only annoyed. But I ran inside shaking and ready to call the police. I don’t know what to do other than cut him off.
One narcissist in my life recently asked me if I had watched Eddie Murphy on SNL on the 21st. The question you might think is innocent but the way in which was asked, the tone, everything, was very menacing, as if it was of dire social or political importance that I watch Eddie Murphy on SNL. Hail Murphy! And everything is like this with the narcissist. Simple daily questions are like serious interrogations, and this constant threatening behavior is difficult, really impossible to live with.
Great video. I have cptsd and this calming video I have found very helpful because I am going through this now and the ex narc is obviously being the monster that he is. The advice on being ready to unmask them is useful. I do have a lawyer who specialises in the ex's personality disorder. So fingers crossed I'm ready.
Hi Alana and welcome to the channel. Thank you for the feedback and I hope that this and my other videos will be helpful! That is *awesome* that you've found a lawyer that specializes in personality disorders. I know this is a tough time but if you could share your experience I think that would be very helpful. If you want to remain anonymous - about details - please feel free to contact me directly through email. I say this because a recurring question that I receive is about finding lawyers who understand and know about NPD and if that has made any difference. I would imagine if the family court doesn't really recognize it your attorney's ability to understand and know how to "work" your ex should be helpful. -Duane
I would say that first thing you have to admit you can't help that person. Perhaps you've already noticed one's ruthless and you feel obliged and guilty about their situation, but there's really nothing you can do but protect yourself - and that means, as you put it, taking your power back. My personal tactic is: I agree with them, I make them think I'm playing their game, I don't disclose much personal info, and then I just go about and do my thing without worrying what they'll think. People who live close to narcissists know that defying them is awful because they absolutely have to win on any occasion; so just agree, smile, pet them, and do your thing your way.
Considering them a toddler throwing a tantrum.... & that you can love, while setting FIRM boundaries, accountability & consequences... (for me) helped BIG time. Taking out that emotional equation, which is difficult for an empath, but... has to be done, so you don't constantly sit asking yourself, "why me..... what... why... how could they...." etc. Spending all your time trying to make 'sense of it all (which will never ever happen, lol) Be well....
My ex narcessist was an avid reader of War books id go as far as saying he studied them. I believe this is where he got a lot of his ideas about how to control me and everyone else. Funnily enough my father was also a narcessist and he was an avid war book fan.
Not surprising, we tend to replicate those relationships trying to “prove” to ourselves that we are worthy of love. We have to fix our pickers and find someone WITHOUT those problems and traits! Hope you’re doing better now Charlie!
I realized what I was dealing with two days before I found out I was pregnant. It has been a two and a half year nightmare. Not gonna break though. Ever. Of course, he has stamina...daddy's money, part-time hours, and no conscience to hold him back. Absolute monster.
Oh that had to be tough. I mean it’s one thing if you’ve been in there for a while but to find out *right at the beginning* and then having to deal with the nightmare - and knowing you have 18+ years to endure it has to be *very* depressing. However, on a positive note, you’ve realized what you’re dealing with, you have him out of your “daily” life and your child doesn’t have to grow up in that household every day. So after this two and a half years how is it going now? Has the drama and chaos subsided or is it a constant battle? -Duane
Run before you give birth DO NOT GIVE HIM PARENTAL RIGHTS YOU WILL BE SORRY.!! I HAD to move to a differerent country to save myself and out son. He vas abusive towards me and sometimes mean to the baby because i gave only my child attention. He is a monster
I hear you! It’s 2:30 am after another awful day as she’s in the bedroom sleeping sound and I’m in the other bedroom watching these videos with my mind being a mess. I don’t understand how someone can be so cruel to the person they claim to love. My minds in shambles more often than not. I always feel like I did something wrong or wonder what version of her I’m going to get next time I see her. I love this women with all my heart but she is killing me slowly
This is already being done, and a co-worker advised me to do a 'NO CONTACT' tactic to make them realize my silence. Their response was what you mentioned. I almost lost my job and went to counseling (using friends to post on social media), which fueled my depression. I will continue the NO CONTACT and showing indifference. The problem is what you also explain: My soon-to-be-ex will do the same thing until the mask is dropped.
I was in a abuse relationship. He put me on the street. All my stuff was in trash bags. I didn’t have time to get all my stuff. I don’t care about my material stuff but I let my work equipment. I sent an email and he didn’t reply. I really don’t know what to do Great video I’m not w him but u still on fear.
My ex would get me in a corner like a tiger would to a mouse, and he would attack me, calling me names, saying horrible things, and not letting me move. Then he would BEG me to hit him for some odd reason. I would refuse to for years, but it got to a point where I couldn't handle the emotional abuse anymore, and being pinned to the corner of the wall, that I did start to fight back and hit him. He would come at me for unknown reasons, I never knew when to expect him to do this. But....he would purposely do anything to get me to hit him. He also would not accept NO for my answer when I refused to hit him, so he would push my buttons more as I cried, he stared at me with evil eyes, and physically held me tighter and continued the bullying. It was crazy... And I think I figured out his game and why it is good that it is over, because I think it was going to get worse. When I first started dating him he told me that he hit his ex girlfriend after she hit him. I now believe that he projected his desire to hit me onto me, so that i would eventually hit him first, and he could eventually hit me back, and have a excuse and put it on me because I did it first. He did end up biting my hand really hard one time. Even though he literally held me hostage against my will, and got to a point where I was scared and got sick of being pinned down. I now know that that is exactly what he did to his ex. Then he wouldn't be so bad because the girl hit first.
The irony is that they probably couldn't give much of a shit about whatever they get from you, it's all about the narcissistic fuel of your emotions through turmoil. If the supply from you is nearing a legitimate end, best believe they'll go out with as big a bang as you'll let them.
Absolutely!!! I was devastated when she started showing others the framed poster of my…ya know…that I gave her for Christmas. My anxiety levels exploded the moment I found out others were openly talking about how well endowed I was. I’m just glad the comments of shock and amazement only lasted 5-6 years. I’ll post a link below so you can get an better understanding of why I was so embarrassed and depressed. Please like and share but keep it between me and you. I don’t want it out there again. 🤣 My nonsense aside…this is a great video.
Mine went to the elderly woman I do caregiving and cleaning for and interrogated her about my hours and pay. I’ve told her a bit about him and thankfully she saw right through him and told him to bug off. He’s also brought up me having a glass of wine in front of my kids and embellished, so now I don’t even have a glass with dinner or even at holiday with family because I feel I have to be on guard. The latest- I have been with a wonderful, supportive, stable non Narc man for 7 months now and my ex Narc is insuating to my kids that he doesn’t like my bf (never has met or talked to) and that the kids should not “be alone” with him!!!! He’s always switching his tactics. I’m so glad I have tools to combat and I am surprised I was able to get out after so many years.
Yes! Found out I was pregnant after I caught him with another woman. He implied I should get an abortion. When that didn't work for me, he tried to get me to give my child up for adoption. When I refused that, he said, "I know you have a history of mental illness, you've displayed very unhealthy behavior, you're unfit to be a parent" implying he would get full custody, and he said all his friends and family would go up to bat for him. He really got into my head. I had depression, anxiety, insomnia, and I even started to think I should get an abortion though I've always wanted to be a mom. I told him I needed to go no contact, he contacted my mom and threatened legal action. I literally had to go no contact because the stress would make me miscarry.
I am watching your videos for nearly a year now, and though I understand these people quite well now. And certainly you helped me with that. Although I have now filed the divorce (Germany) this video was an eye opener, to understand my current situation. That is surprising. Please continue - there might be even more you can help people like me with. Thank you!
So well said. Right smack dab in the middle of one of the craziest DV’s of all time. My Narcissistic wife is literally insane and has worked the system like a puppet master. Even my DV attorney said she has never seen anything like it. Every single thing you said in this video...... my ex is doing - to the letter!!! Thanks for the video man
I am in the middle of this now and it is terrifying. She is in Greece and I had to make a fast exit to save my mental health. She has BPD. Now she’s threatening to prevent me from ever coming back to Greece, she’s concocting a narrative of lies to make me look like the abuser and I’m not sure what to do. But getting frightened is not the answer so this video helps.
My ex has fallen so far into paranoid schizophrenia. I can't take it anymore. The threats are insane and the behavior is insane and the thinking is insane. The things that he accuses me of are so far out there and so far removed from anything I would ever do or know how to do, I just don't even know how to deal with it anymore. I just give up I'm having anything to do with him or trying to respond anymore. You cannot respond rationally to an insane person, because they just take it and twist it around, and then it fuels their fire. I'm tired of being threatened and terrorized by a self-absorbed maniac. I really am. And then when he calms down, he'll always come back and tell me how much he loves me, and I'm like, are you serious? Love doesn't turn you into a psychopathic maniac that wants to hurt me and threatens me with all sorts of violence and retribution for things I never had anything to do with. there's one term that has always reminded me of what I've been dealing with for years now... Guilty until proven innocent. The problem is, you could prove all you want, and he will find something else that convinces him of his own insane delusions being true all over again. There's no way out other than to walk away.
Omfg 😱 yesssssss. That what I went thru for 2 years. He believed I was using him for a place! When in actuality I was living with my sister! At the time! And he asked me if I can move in with him after a few weeks knowing him. I just gotten out of a previous narc relationship! He lived in a room. Divorced from his wife! And then he asked lets get a place. Together. Itt felt rushed! I lend money to him so we can get a place together! I just felt used
Thanks, Duane. Rereading vids cuz having a hard time right now. Another exparte yesterday. Judge threw it out. Another hearing in June. I finally had a chance to breathe. Boop! My 13 year old daughter is refusing to visit me though we have court orders. I think what happened is major PA. Don't want to traumatize her. Her dad won't stop. Best interest..not! I have no support. When I call my mom she yells at me. Dad passed 2 years ago. My parents divorced 50 years. Didn't want to raise my kids like that and make them choose parents. Mine finally cooperated for my kids BDs etc, but now holy cow, even though my dad is gone. Thx as always....
My dad has been the most influential person in my life ever. However, when his marriage failed he’s been the only one that has stood by me and my brother. Suddenly he has started showing signs of narcissism whenever he’s mad.
My boyfriend knows i suffer from severe abandonment issues from my childhood so he constantly threatens to leave me every time he starts a fight. And hearing you say they will try to interfere with your employment makes alot of sense to me cause he destroyed everything i made for my etsy site so i had to take my shop down cause i have nothing left and i spent 100s of hours making all the pieces i was selling. Im just so broken, so lost, so hurt and soooo fucking tired. Its hard to even get out of bed for anything at this point. My depression and ptsd hasnt been this intense in years and i just can't crawl out of this hole no matter what i do cause the second i start to try he kicks me back into the pit of all my pain. I dont think ive genuinely smiled in god knows how long. And of course on top of that my father is dying and hes the only other person i have in this world. There's just nothing left here for me in this world.
Me too. I suffer from agoraphobia depression social anxiety! And C-ptsd. I had two narc relationship. And this one was the worst! Neverr gave me my stuff back. Racist. Called me the n word. Told one night. N get out. Of my housee after I helped us establish a place. Payed half of the rent! Bought food and affection and he told me that! I felt so ashamed to be black!
@@Dana93Korn I finally left my abusive boyfriend 5 months ago and found someone who takes care of me and treats me the best anyone ever has. I'm sending you all my love and energy that you will heal the trauma he forced on you and move on to what you truly deserve!!! My heart is with you girl 💯
I had a narc boss who belittled me in front of my peers and who said she promoted me to Supervisor which was untrue, then set out to prove I was victimizing my co-workers. She also threatened me with a made up medicine concoction that I had two spoons of and spent 1 1/2 in the washroom trying to get over the pain and also blamed me for that, told me to FO and told others I had said that. This was over 10 years covertly until she started talking to me overtly with her impulsive anger. Seems she created an alter (alternate) ego/persona of me and dressed up as me at work as a health care worker, (and also showed up in the hospital as one), then made herself the victim of me. So I was supposed to be the good guy who took care of her then the bad guy who turned against her, all the while I had nothing to do with her scenarios!. She stalked me over 40 years. She finds out your fears or how you feel about things then uses them against you. Like the Bandersnatch, Snark and Boson, it doesn't know it's feared until you feel threatened by it then its recourse is to jump at you in defense of itself then you react in fight or flight and some people will act to fight, then you're caught at the perpetrator, when the best idea is to 'flight' run for the hills.s
I never gave away my secrets to my ex narc....and that pissed him off!...I started hearing his narrative of....."IF you don't get real then get out!" I kept asking him what that means...he knew but didn't want to tell me.....I figured it out later....fear tactics of making me cave in. ...using my emotions against me.....I NEVER CAVED IN TO HIS TACTICS....AND IT ALL TURNED AROUND ON HIM TO BITE HIM IN THE ARSE...I USED BLACKMAIL ON HIM AND HAVEN'T HEARD A PEEP OUT OF HIM FOR OVER A YEAR...
Thankfully I'm only dealing with a low life family member, and I use that term very fractionally, who has stolen off my mum consistantly over the past 25 years since my father died and has blamed me for it. I never knew how deep and insidious greed could go. Don't get me wrong, I'm no saint but OMG!!!! I never saw this coming. My upbringing was great, I never had a problem. I grew up with love and happiness. It all started with the death of my father and then the sister took over. Thought that was cool, I was away working remote jobs. Anyway, too long a story. Needless to say it's alk gone sideways. I'm sure it's all been said before.
I ignore the narc ex for the most part. Communication goes through third party only. But I’m aware he threatens court action here and there. This happens occasionally, actually pretty regularly, but it goes nowhere. It’s just intimidation and empty threats. He uses the judicial system to threaten but no attorney in their right mind would advocate for him on anything he threatens to do. He’s so bizarre and it no longer bothers me. It does affect my kids though, it scares them. They don’t feel safe with me because he does this. I am not sure how to navigate that with my kids because I’m between a rock and a hard place. He tears into the kids and blames and shames them.
Frances Bernard here. Rise above it. I know that is harder said than done. The appearance of them being good at what they are doing is only an illusion for a season.If you instead try to see things from not only your own emotions in time perspective then you will be able to see the truth about the large amounts of energy, time and money they are using to their own all eventual detriment because only the well being of the children because most of their motivations are not the best interests of the children and so it will be their own undoing. Like when having to buy status symbols and an advanced education to attract their next victim. Keep your efforts to protect your children and your contributions to their welfare in proper perspective too by looking out for number one as much as possible because if you do not then when it does catch up with them because of their motivations then you will not have the strength to do as good of a job of caring for your children. If and when your children do come back to you it is going to be another kind of ordeal that you must be for awhile prepared for too. By for example taking parenting classes if you have the time.
My ex was manipulative I think. After 2 years (broken engagement) I’m still feeling guilty that it was my fault. During the relationship he broke up 4 times. I had such an fear of him breaking up and me losing him, me which grew more and more and till today I’m still feeling this fear. Him threatening leaving me or breaking engagement was terrible.
My husband always threatened to leave until I started saying don't tell me you are leaving just do it. He would suddenly change his mind and want to work on the marriage.
I feel like my life is falling apart. I made a huge mistake by beocming financially enmeshed with my abusive ex, now I might go through legal troubles because of it. I feel so stupid , but i also feel scared.
Violent Stalker now X is inherently evil and violent to put the fear in me unnecessarily. I physically fought his violence off. All he cared about was the extreme fear I have of him. PTSD.
Fantastic video! Every now and then I ask myself the question: Is evil energy more powerful than positive energy? As you stated, the stamina in which these individuals posses is relentless. It seems like nothing can stop these people from their objective of destroying you emotionally and financially. My three sons are still young (10,8 and6)i often find myself day dreaming to the day were they are finally teenagers and i would be able to skip the interactions with the mother permanently.
Hi Volatile Bliss! I think the problem with evil energy is it emotional manipulates us and causes us to respond in a stressful and irrational way. I feel when we begin to control our responses we take that power back and the abuser starts to have stress because their plan starts to fall apart. The real bad part though is that doesn't last because they all seem to be able to compartmentalize and recover rather quickly. Let me share this - IT DOES GET BETTER WHEN THE KIDS GET OLDER! So just hang on and things will start to get better. -Duane
He constantly throws my past in my face to try and degrade me. And when I ask him to be a father to our kids and help me raise them, he says I don’t want him anymore and asks me if I really want to see him with another woman. It’s very exhausting and stressful that I get panic attacks. I wish he would just go do whatever and leave me out of it.
Wanting to walk away because of fear and realizing what you truely value are effects of being around a Narc. The ones I know certainly have different values than me.
My ex told his current girlfriend everything about me in details. Made me seem like I was an abuser and a terrible mother. He has threatened me to get sole custody, but I was smart to record our conversations with him knowing and he said awful things about our kids, even wanting to abort them. We are moving next year. I have had no contact with him for 2 months and he contacts me ever 2 days via email. 14 years of his crap is enough. I have saved everything just in case we go to court. No response is best.
If their smears are a threat to your livelihood, that is when you must see a lawyer. Not any lawyer. A lawyer who specializes in smears and knows a bit about cluster B.
Never ever be on camera around a narcissist. These people are not afraid of exposing themselves but relish using any leverage against another person. Revenge porn is a big favorite of theirs.
That is great advice. That last part is just horrible to do to someone…. But considering NOTHING is off the table with a narcissist it doesn’t surprise me…
My mother has been a victim of my narcissistic father for 31 years. She finally decided to divorce him and got a divorce attorney. A few days later my mother is arrested for cutting my dad with scissors. My mom claims he is lying that he injured himself and I beleive her. My dad had just promised her before this that he would win in the end that he would take everything. Now it's not looking good for the divorce my mom might not get child custody or alimony since she has no recording or proof of his verbal abuse and that he self inflicted his injury. He also filed a restraining order the very next day of her arrest and was granted full custody until the court hearing. It makes me sick to my stomach my dad would do something this horrible to her the man is a monster.
If u want the kids they do, if u want the house they do, if u don’t want it they don’t! I think that can b a help! If u don’t want money they’ll give it to u, if u want money they hold back! It’s whatever the opposite is atleast with the one I know, so I think it’s best to act lik u don’t care while secretly caring and doing the behind the scenes work and taking when u trick them!
I'm in a situation where my ex wife who's a narcissist has deliberately stopped the 50/50 custody arrangement we had between us to no contact and now has allowed me 4 days a fortnight and is refusing to go back to 50/50 custody because of financial reasons!! I'm now having to go to court to try and get a legally binding child custody order in place.
Neutralize the real risks. Partner with smart friends so the risk is gone. Then you can act bored by everything else. Train yourself to be bored by the threats. Note when they keep using the same threats over and over. It's like a tantrum at the grocery store. They are recycling. Go no contact as best you can.
As a victim, if you suspect your ex or spouse is narc, record everything secretly, Then broadcast that to the friends they have, thats when their mask comes out.
He always made threats about not financially helping me raise my child and I told him that I will never take him to court for that if he doesn't want to feed his child he can go ahead and so far he has been providing for him
Hi Duane ! I have a question that is somewhat personal ...but I am really curious as to how you handle it ( if you do at all ) Does your EX know that you do videos on Narcissism ? Also , if so , has this caused any problems for you ? You mentioned that Narc's are afraid of being exposed ( and I agree ! ) and they will back down if they know you are about an inch away from saying or doing anything that will expose them. I guess my question is , is there a way of doing this without inviting the Narc's back to attack you or view this as supply. ? Many would rather have negative attention...rather than none at all.
Well Lorie, that is a really great question. To the best of my knowledge she doesn't know about the channel. I have only mentioned this to a handful of people I really trust and that was only after the channel started growing. I know that I do mention some of my personal experience but I truly hope that I do not come off as a jilted ex - I am not doing this to disparage her or bring attention to her. I'm doing this to reach people who are at a truly dark part in their life. As I have mentioned before I know how difficult and hard this was for me and I have always wanted to come across as sincere as someone who's been through it - but who also isn't so distant from it that I can't not relate anymore. I am also putting a lot of faith in the "karma points" for doing this and I'm trusting that everything will work out the way it is supposed to. I have always lived my life trying do the the *right* thing and *everything* has always worked out (even if there was a lot of pain associated with it). I really feel like this is something that I've been meant to do. I know there will be a time where she will find out about this site and I'm hoping that either nothing happens or something good comes out of it. So I'm not sure if that answered your question. -Duane
Great answer Duane . And, I completely understand . I remember for several years being reluctant to speak about my EX online , even though I knew I would never expose him aka give personal details , name,address ,etc. But still the thought was always in the back of my mind , what would I do if he found out I mentioned him and he knew it was me . ? That's somewhat far fetched I know. Like You , I have always tried to do the right thing. To treat people as I wished to be treated . To show compassion. I realized that my Ex saw me as a really nice person that he could take advantage of and walk all over. Like a door mat. I did make the decision that I was going to trust God and NOT live my life in fear and in the what if's. But , occasionally I slip back into that mode. Its still a topic that I do research on . Always keep my guard up or try to. Its been over 13 years for me and he quickly remarried . So, I don't anticipate that happening to me .... him hoovering me.. But I realize that you have kids and thought maybe they knew and would tell your ex or if a family member of yours might tell her or whatever . But yes , You did answer my question and Yes...you do come off as sincere , a decent person.. (which they are not . ) I can tell this was traumatic for you as it was for me , But you also come across as someone who is winning the battle , who was able to call identify her problem and call her what she is , a narcissist and move on with your life. And, I do think you are helping a great many people . Thank you for the response !!!
Very nice video. I believe that the whole of them having a lot of stamina is because it is their personality to be this way, plain and simple. It isn't something they have to work at being. Some would say that it just comes naturally to them.. Does that make sense?
It absolutely makes sense Grace! It is really amazing (or maybe odd is a better word) how these people are instinctively able to do these things. -Duane
True. And, sometimes it is that they had a great role model (often a parent / other elder family member) to learn from early on.. It's eerie how similar they can be to one another.
The narcissist always gets themselves into trouble. My narcissist father always started threatening when he ran out of money. But I'd already written out a plan on what to do, kept finances secret and when plenty of financial security and housing was in place I just left. I heard the loan sharks were looking for him and now the narc fears for his life. Now I've put plenty of assets into trust and should I meet a narcissist as a partner I will laugh my ass off when I leave. In trust baby. They can take the few savings and try to fight the trust but they'll lose. Trusts are wonderful things as compassionate people who want to help but the trust is a separate entity.
Their use of fear is really vicious and it can keep us just as you said paralyzed in fear... For the most part - MOST - of the time it isn't based in anything real. The only caveat I would say is if it is threat of violence take that to heart and do what you need to protect yourself.
The best thing to do is to cut off contact with a narcissist while going through a divorce. Let the narcissist communicate through your attorney. If you have kids, have the narc pick up the kids at a neutral place. Block emails, block their phone #. If the narc can't get to your ear, the narc can't use fear. If they are forced to communicate in writing, you have records of their threats. My ex narc threatened to destroy me, to ruin my career, to take the kids and furniture and disappear, to kill me (take that seriously). to drag me through the courts and GO TO WAR. Nasty piece of work, a narc who has a narcissistic injury.
Okay - I KNOW I responded to this comment a few days ago - that is excellent advice Been There - use your attorney for everything and DO NOT communicate with the narcsissitc - it won't do any good and they will just use those experiences to get supply and emotional manipulate you. I know it costs money to use the attorney BUT it will save your sanity. -Duane
Have no emotional attachments. Nothing is permanent , material things get old and will be replaced, and of course we don't live forever. Fight back with no contact and show indifference to these sick people. They feed off of your emotions and reactions, they are energy vampires . Also they tend to be lazy and self destructive.
Hi Luis and welcome to the channel! You make an excellent point! The way to take back the power is to remove the *value* of those things they are attacking you with! Then wait for their self destructive behaviors to take over! -Duane
Great example Elizabeth, it must be nearly impossible to know that you are living with a narcissist. I suppose it could enabled you to cope and to not be emotional dysregulated, triggered, manipulated, etc but I still think it would be hard to continue that way. I know for me when I realized I was living a dream (although I still didn't know what she was) it made staying impossible. IDK - maybe had I known maybe I could have tried to manage my expectations. But we ALL deserve the opportunity to either live without chaos by ourselves and/or find someone who is a loving and supportive partner that you can actually work together to build a life. -Duane
Totally agree. Once the divorce is over, you won't want memories of the relationship to trigger you. Perhaps, pretending you want things to keep the narc preoccupied, would distract and use up the narc's energy.
My narc ex wanted anything he thought I wanted. The finances were essentially split down the middle, with me getting all the family debt in exchange for my retirement benefits. Wasn't really a fair exchange since the debt continued to accrue interest higher than retirement benefits. But mostly the courts split finances down the middle. Let go of the things.
I totally agree that narcs are generally lazy and self-destructive. My ex spent all the money. During the separation, he ran up $40K in debt, went on a ski vacation to Italy, then filed for bankruptcy. Joke was on him. He ruined his credit and his debt was restructured. Such an idiot. He was lazy, stupid, and unambitious.
Narcs also tend to cause a lot of havoc where they work. They cause a lot of infighting and try to get other people to do their work and take credit for other people's successes.
My covert narc had a computer engineering degree from a top notch school. By the age of 55, he was a "VP" of engineering for a bankrupt company using old technology and he supervised 5 engineers - 5 engineers and he was a VP over them. He made up a lie that he was a millionaire from investments in his field. He was a fraud. At the end, he wanted my retirement to pay him off to go away. I fought him, and his lawyer made him negotiate a fair settlement - the narc gave me back the $20 K he stole, we split the proceeds of the sale of our car, and we walked away.
Excellent point justino!
MAFIOSA E Any tips on where to look up this info (The H method) ? Thanks
I never told my deep dark secrets..hence he got angry and kept telling me..."Get real or get out!" Now I understand what he was doing....tell me your secrets or get out!
Wow.....glad you got out!💐
Hide your fear. When it comes to your kids, DO NOT react to anything they do because there's nothing you can do about it most of the time anyway. You just have to learn to let go of control. Stop caring what people know about you. It's very freeing. My ex put in personal details about me in his affadavit that were completely unnecessary, just to embarrass and humiliate me. I just had to deal with it, and if that didn't bother me then he couldn't hurt me. Just keep letting go so as not to give them any power over you.
People will smear you with lies because you can destroy them with the truth.
I received a death threat 3 months back, later to find out the guy is exactly what you are sharing(a Narcissist). I even got to a point where I was paranoid and started hallucinating as a result of this trauma. I couldn't perform my day to day tasks effectively, I am thankful of the lockdown as this kept me indoors and away from the psychological events I was experiencing. This video really helped me regain my confidence. Thank you so much.
I’m getting death threats also
Even though I know what the whole truth is, he’s still able to scare and intimidate me like you wouldn’t believe. It’s taking a toll on me.
It takes time for that connection to be broken. They spend their time learning our fears and weakness and then use them for maximum effect. There is no denying the toll it takes but after a well their "spell" starts to crumble and you get your life back. I have a video that I think illustrates that point pretty well - check it out and let me know what you think - ua-cam.com/video/gLeh5lDJPvY/v-deo.html
Yes I’m feeling the same way.
I have finally come to see that the X uses my relationship with my kids as a fear tactic. She's always telling me how I'm going to push them away. Another tactic she always used was my anger. She knew which buttons to push to get an angry reaction out of me and as soon as it work would go into victim mode telling me that's why she couldn't communicate with me. She didn't want to communicate with me and lied to me for 23 years. She just had to keep me believing that I was the problem or her crappy childhood, which was all part of the manipulation. I'm finally starting to get it and trying some of the methods you suggest. The emotional confrontations are becoming fewer and I'm not losing sleep over trying to get her to be a better mother. Thanks for the videos.
HI Kevin - glad to hear you starting to see the light at the end fo the tunnel! You're right - our situations are very similar! The good part, if you can call it that, is once you start seeing through the lies and manipulation their power really starts to diminish. As you become calmer and more grounded through all of this everything starts to get better because you are thinking more rationally instead of emotionally. A couple years ago - again before I knew what I was dealing with - she told me how sad it was that I had an estranged relationship with our son. I had to tell her that SHE was the only one say that and SHE needed to knock it off. My son really fell into the trap. It all gets better and you're starting to see that! (Doesn't mean it's right or easy - we just learn how to deal with it in a positive way) -Duane
Kevin Hart
OMG Kevin. your marriage sounds like mine. She'll press me to say something and when I fine tell her what she beggs from me she goes into victim mode and I've been abusive to her the 21 years we've been together. I now know I am being given set up for failure. I shut the door!
@@1533ramsay I went through that 6 years of marriage. I didn't even know about Narcissism until few months ago and it all clicked. She waits for me to react and then she turns into the victim
My narc mother - who discarded me a year ago after I finally had dared to step against her - is just like you described: targeting everything that she know is important to me, in every way possible. Financially as well as emotionally (specially the latter). She did this from when I was only a small child, by telling me for instance that if - not when but IF I wouldn't behave (while I had done absolutely nothing wrong) that she wouldn't love me anymore and that she would bring me back to my real mother in a heartbeat (I'm adopted at the age of 14 months). Really fun to hear this on your 6th birthday and just minutes before you are very bluntly told that you are adopted (while I'm eating the super sweetened birthday cake that she had picked while knowing that I never liked sugary stuff at all).This was just one of the MANY emotional scare tactics that she used on me when I was a child. Later on - when I got older - it changed into "If you refuse to do what I told you to do, you no longer will be my daughter and you'll be homeless". Fact is that she instilled so much fear in me over the years that I actually believed every threat.
Now, 40 years later, I got a lawyer to fight back for me, because she continuously keeps harassing and threatening me and my family, even after she discarded me completely and as a result I refused to talk to her any longer whenever she tried to contact me, simply because she can't trigger the reaction she desires from me any more when once again making a threatening phonecall. Best decision I ever made! My lawyer takes care of everything now. And "mother" hates it. She didn't think I would have the guts to go against her will. Well, guess what, woman, you got what you threatened me with for so many years: you no longer have a daughter.
I wasn't sure if my wife is Narcissistic, but if this is the case the door is open to me. She has always known how far to push me so I will lose it. Now I walk away before I go there. It really make her go out of control. it happened today. I had to leave the house before I went down the rabbit hole of depression.
Mark is great progress. It took me a while to get to that point myself. But being able to recognize what is going on and not taking that bait is a real game changer. You still can be mad and irritated at her AND the situation BUT hopefully you feel better and empowered knowing you won't *allow* her to do that to you anymore! -Duane
Knowledge is power...your on to her...take it and turn the depression into courage....next time your in an arguement...look her in the face and tell her your onto her and her mask has slipped to show you who she really is.....the best defense is an offence. Blessings...
I’m having bad depression from this as well 🤦♀️
@@polskigirl8547 the worst fear of a narcissist is being exposed. I know a guy who called out his wife in front of a counselor and she exploded into narcissistic rage. She threatened to end the marriage too. You have to know her and know how to deal with her assuming you think it's worth it. Exposing her could potentially blow up in your face.
@@TeddyBear-lb9ho I had my narc over a barrel ….he wouldn’t dare to cross me
my ex-gf started with suicide threats, then moved to death threats then finally to 'I will ruin your life if you ever leave me' (probably with false allegations). I couldn't escape the financial abuse and having our common friends turned against me on her word... but when I finally decided there could be a chance of at some point she would really go for these nastier punishments, I finally moved my ass and got out! Spent the following year recovering from depression... now I think I am finally ready to move forward. Folks if you are still with your narc find ways to get out asap, it is just not worth waiting, sacrifice whatever you have to and claim your sanity back!
Yes important thing you said .".sacrifice whatever you have to and claim your sanity back!"
One can secrifece every thing but not 2 kids like milk and butter try try and you will be successful stay with them but in your power center punish this dogs with using 💯 of your brain ingnor them ,don't give control over any price , don't take on your mind any threate warn them now and then like: I will make you sell Sault, I will make you stay on road I will make you helpless nerecisst are often no value dogs groups you only have to do is keep stones in your hands and when they cross theirs bodars never get lazy hit stone 😂 react like Vladimir Putin
I never had to to deal with a narcissist until 5 days ago... I am shocked on how he was able to throw to my face everything he knew about me. From my past, to my present to my future. I am having difficulties dealing with my emotions.
Narcissistic people bluff a lot. How I deal with them: call their bluff and stare at their eyes without fear, and demand that this kind of ridiculous behavior stops.
That’s when narcs go full blown psycho and screaming chasing you and smashing everything in sight they know you cherish most.
@@justingiles9992 Exactly
Best thing to do is record them for future references best thing to get is a small voice recorder preferably a Sony ic px333 voice recorder where you can install a SD card that is large enough to capture entire conversations . make sure to turn off the beeping sound and use the recorder recording from the pocket. It also put these audio files in mp3 format where you can e-mail the material to a attorney or someone the narcissist talked bad about. Let their own mouth become their condemnation !!!! Your life depend on it !!!!!!
Hi Anthony and welcome to the channel! That is a good idea HOWEVER people need to make sure it is legal in their locale. I know in some areas it is legal and others it's not. So just make sure you understand the implications. If I understand it is illegal here so if one was to record you'd have to understand and only use it in the dire circumstances where - as you say - your life depends on it. -Duane
BUT !!! These people are dangerous and are the best liars in the world with any conscience. every situation and every circumstance is DIRE when dealing with the narcissist, their goal is to deny, deceive, and destroy that is their only function it's you vs. the terminator.
Very true Anthony! And like the terminator they won't stop. -Duane
anthony smith they still denie it's there voice I done this and took pictures of stalking and on camera, he denied it in front of a judge and his reply it's not me there's a guy that looks like me uggh are you serious lol
@@DSD So I was thinking, even if it is illegal to record a conversation, couldn't we just use the recorded conversation to keep accurate hand written notes on the interaction. Keeping track like this would be way easier then trying to remember the conversation that took place. Just like a dictation machine. So when you go back and listen to it you can even write down what tone of voice was used or His/her exact words, time of day or night when it happens. I have to believe that documenting the situation is a good thing. We all know the Narcs lies so much I am sure its hard to keep the lies strait all the time.
It's exhausting and emotionally draining. My ex narc would do that to me on the phone while I was at work.
Good example! I have the same thing happen to me. VERY emotionally draining! -Duane
Same here, when she was away on work or family, she would guilt me micro manage me and the kids and the activities. It was mind boggling .
True, they also try to bring things up to hurt you to if they know it hurts you, because they like to test to see if you react to them. It always happens. If you are with them long enough, you find yourself doing things back that you normally wouldn't do, and it is unhealthy. YOu are so right.
When you understand something that others don’t. I understand what he is saying.
It can make you feel like you're going crazy when you see something (or reality) whereas others just can't or won't.
Oh my gosh!!! I've been wondering why my ex has been so constantly on the attack! You nailed it! It's so that I give up!!!! He has spent or entire marriage telling me that I am nothing because I have nothing. Everything we own is his. I can have the kids because he doesn't want them. He kind of schlepped them off.
This is a major ah ha moment for me! He has been telling me for years what he expected the outcome to be. It doesn't look like it is going to turn out that way and that is why he is attacking like he is! I'm sure there is more to it but oh my gosh!! That makes sense! Thank you!!!!
Hi Leche! Yeah fear is a key tactic in their arsenal and they make good use of it. You really have to understand that and realize that just because they say something doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. Generally things typically don’t turn out the way they portray them. In my situation, as I’ve said before, she was playing like it was a done deal that she was going to get full custody and move out of state. The good thing though is sometimes (well a lot of times) that *over confidence* tends to bit them in the behind because they don’t get what they want.
I suppose it also depends on *what they really want*. In my situation I was being fair, saying the kids needed both parents, and was seeking 50/50. In her case she was saying the kids needed to be protect from me, she should have full custody, and that moving out of state would protect her and the kids from me. So her position was just unrealistic from the state. My point is - if his version of reality isn’t realistic then unless you’ve done something serious more than likely there is no way for his version to come true. The sooner we all realize that will allow us to calm down and not be as severely impacted by their false narratives! So hang in there Leche you’re doing great! -Duane
Dad Surviving Divorce Thank you so much!!!! This week he was trying to have me thrown in jail. It was intense!!! I spoke to the police and they said there is no way I am going to be thrown in jail for what he is accusing me of. I was panicking! I believed it! Ugh! I totally got sucked in!!!
Now I'm back to focusing on healing. And moving forward. My kids are doing amazing right now!!! There are little blips. Today my son, who is 5, told me that daddy told him it's okay to be bad at mommy's house. It's okay to be bad. What?!? Last week it was I better start being nice to daddy or I get no money. All I can do is stay calm and love on my kids. I'm back to where I was before the whole jail thing came up! I feel like I got sucked in for a little bit but I got out of the quicksand! Thank you!
@@NikkiMarvin my narc is always putting me down too. Telling me I'm nothing and I have nothing and that he has more than me. It sucks your life of all your joy.
Get the narc to clarify their intention & meaning. Tape record them saying that. Best is to tape them saying the threat,
*"I'll do x to hurt you if you don't do y...but if you DO y, I won't do x"* then take that to the police & have them charged with blackmailing.
Good advice! -Duane
The police in my area would not arrest for blackmail. They would probably suggest a restraining order/order of protection. You would then have to get an order in olace to prevent them from harassing you.
He pretty much took everything but oddly the thing besides himself that he cares about, money, I got over half of it. I would have traded all of it for more time with my daughter and to have my dogs. But I ran out of money to fight him.
The entire relationship was based on fear, really. So this one is very hard for me. I thought I'd seen his worst because he'd been abusing me for years. What I didn't expect is for him to force me to describe IN DETAIL the abuse in a deposition with his lawyer screaming at me and calling me a psycho liar. If I had any doubt that my ex is a monster it was gone that day. What kind of sick person forces you to describe horrible abuse in front of a room full of strangers and sits there looking smug?
I know he'll stoop to any level. I do worry if I make him angry enough he's very capable of ending me.
What has helped me is realizing it's not my fault and the things he's accused me of aren't true. It's also helped to have a family who knows he's lying and constantly telling me I'm a good mother and person.
Also giving myself time to heal. I'm trying to get over the fear thing and I've gotten much better at it. I still have work to do. I've thrown myself into work and I was able to get a job I've wanted for YEARS. He wouldn't allow me to work and had me believing I couldn't hold a job. It makes me feel great to prove him wrong. And I also found a wonderful man who is so understanding. I'm glad I haven't let my ex keep from finding someone who truly loves me.
And that's what I need to keep telling myself... Do not allow a narcissist to control my life in any way.
Hi Trishy - yeah giving yourself time to heal is crucial and accepting that. It is all much easier said than done but sometimes you have to just *say it* so it can start *to sink in*. There is life after this - it just that damn *time* issue that gets in the way! -Duane
Rymone Nightingale It's definitely crazy. They rule by fear. I suppose it makes them feel powerful.
Rymone Nightingale In my case I was so scared to leave. To survive I wanted to believe their was good in him. You're not a narcissist so it doesn't make sense to you. Unfortunately your dad won't change. I know how frustrating it is. It was the absolute scariest thing I did when I left him. And he'd threatened me that if I left he'd make me suffer. He kept that promise. I'm sorry you're having to watch your mom go through that. It's not easy.
HI Rymone and welcome to the channel! I agree with Trishy it is really a scary thing to be involved with. My situation wasn't physically abusive and it still took me over 20 years to finally see what was in front of me. You can be scared of the unknown and you know what you know - so it is going to be *very* hard for your mother to get to the point to walk away. Also depending on age a culture leaving just might not be something that you ever do. People can find so many different ways to justify staying in a abusive relationship. I hope you can get out of that environment soon - living in a *war zone* is not a healthy place to be. -Duane
Rymone Nightingale Hopefully watching Duane's videos can help you. I'm glad you're planning on leaving. I really wish you the best. Hang in there.
i wish i had never told my bf about my painful past. i can't believe he'd use it to justify hitting me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi High Tides - well when they are love bombing you and mirroring everything that you ever wanted in a person you're going to feel connected and trusting to that person and open up. Unfortunately that is what these people do - they *figured you out* so they can then use that information to hurt, manipulate and control you. I hope you've been able to get away from this situation and start working on the healing process. -Duane
wow, i didnt think you'd answer. thank you. no i'm still with him, he reminds me of my father and my brother, and i know thats good and bad. thank you for caring. i am trying to work on myself so i can finally leave. and he can be so awesome 80% good 20% torture, litrerally
my dads dead, my brother is crazy, my bf is a narc so many narcs i'm a narc magnet, i feellike it all my fault i am crushed
Hi, I know how you feel, feeling at fault and crushed. Since my parents forebad me to get angry or cry (gagged my mouth) and took it as a personal affront to them (their narcissistic religion) and since my x-narc tried to commit s and ended up in the hospital, and since he threatened me with razor blades until I had no breath and in effect 'died' (the monster looked right at me to see how I looked) and then he hid them under my pillow. I was terrified but no where to go at that long ago time. I split in two for survival. I went to a marriage counselor, he said "oh he came down on you a little hard huh?" Oh whump I was really confused. I went to a psych who put me on meds (I wasn't the one who should be on them!) I didn't know I was dealing with a bi person). I had a wonderful 'nice' facade, and I even gained weight to keep them emotionally at bay. In situations I acted like I thought they would like me to act; I was so afraid of them/insecure; I've stopped feeling sorry for them, their reactions are their own responsibility. My x-narc alienated me from my family and friends because of his self-and-others-hate. He wanted me b/c I was 'fun' but he took all the fun out of me. It took 2 acquaintances to pull the real me out of me. I think now my Soul was crying out and they are lovely loving people that I had never previously experienced. I'm afraid of telling anyone my past. I don't want to ever bring out the potential for those characteristics in another person, I don't want those thoughts in the back of their minds. I don't know if I could ever get into a relationship again. But, I just refuse to 'let them win', I'm the real winner here. I hug my fears and thank them for giving me survival. To say narc magnet is self-defeating and perpetuating (they gotcha!) if you don't mind me saying. It's like someone saying "I always attract trouble" (because they're looking for it, in you they hope! Not you but them). Try to replace fear, guilt and any shame (fault) with love, and self-respecting self-talk and self-love (a higher vibration), you'll start attracting the right people, it's working really well for me. I'm easing into it. Peace.
That sounds just like a narc abuser.
Hey! I just wanted to say that I'm gong through a divorce right now and I strongly suspect my wife is a narcissist. This video really hit home; I've experienced most of the threats described (throwing away all of my things, supervised visits, job loss, monetary ruin, etc.) What I've learned is that 99.999999% of the time the threat either isn't real or is blown out of proportion and more often than not will look poorly on her. I concur with the message of maintaining your emotional stability as much as possible (and if you can't, certainly don't let your narcissist know that they 'got you'.)
Thanks for the great advice, and I wish you the best of luck!
Hi Mddare well the one good thing with you starting this right now her tactics will not be as effective. It is really hard because there is an emotional impact but you just have to work really hard to understand what she is trying to do (bait you) and that she will expose herself. Being at the beginning of this take a look at my interview video with Joe Cordell (ua-cam.com/video/P_qA34uk94U/v-deo.html). I would also like to recommend my *The Mindset for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery* (ua-cam.com/play/PL_m6CcV-0KF7elaJIDdEcSdSVPumeBcbS.html) especially the first video. Thank you and good luck to you! -Duane
Going through divorce now from a manipulative, selfish ,self centered wife who is a narcissist. Thank God I have no kids , nor strong bank account , property is also not on my name etc. I hope I get it fast
This is the best video I've watched on narcissists. Thank you so much! You've gained a new subscriber.
Hi Karen, thank you for the support and subscribe! Welcome to the channel! -Duane
Thank you. Lawyer called me today saying I can’t contact him ever again. Already felt super disposable and now I feel like everything we had never existed and I’m just left completely insane.
So many fear tactics were used against me by my Covert Narcissist Husband. I realized later on what he was doing but it took a long time. I trusted him sadly. Be careful if your kind, loving& caring etc
You are exactly right. Mine got me scared, because he said he was going to take the house and kids from me. I was so afraid, until I looked at the situation. I was a great mother and he couldn't take them from me. Later when I did go thru the divorce, because he got me to take him back several times, I wanted joint custody with a schedule. He wouldn't commit and only wanted the kids when it was convenient to take the kids and when having them would make himself look good. My kids are adults now and they see him as the father he really is.
Getting the offer to go on the Dr. Phil show was everything to me and he had the power of whether that happens or not and took that away from me knowing it would help me. I was so stupid to tell him things that would help me and meant the world to me. This was the first little glimmer of hope there has been in years and it was financial freedom in terms of being able to get the help needed. He knows I needed that, yet he wanted to deprive to have that because he had the power and control to do so. He gets off on that. Same thing when he gets off from my emotional reactions and smirks when I’m at my lowest.
My head and heart hurts i was doing so well and hes destroyed me again im not even in a relationship with him anymore i just want him to leave me alone forever i dont want to hear anything about him am sure i will start feeling better soon thanks for your videos they are helping me
I like how you explain. If the narc threat you,fight back..dont feel weak..
I sent a message on Facebook to my former friend's covert narc wife almost 4 years ago, that caused her narcissistic injury. I reached out to my former friend (who's also a covert narc) a couple of months later, and he told me they not only saved my non-threatening message in case they needed to go to the police 😕, they also told EVERYONE in their family to block me 🙄.
I didn't realize it then but *after watching videos and reading articles about narcissism this year...I now know that was their way of trying to have control of me* (as I know now that telling everyone in their family to block me/shun me was a smear campaign, which is also a narc tactic used to have control over you)
My ex used every tactical example you stated. He even went as far as calling up my exes to try to get dirt on me.
As I have come to realize a lot of things I think back and remember they asked me what my biggest fear was. Even though we were together, they were scheming ahead of time. Wow.
Thats the exact feeling I got thru the entirely of the relationship
love you bud. that was right on time as i'm sitting here writing my own defense for a bogus civil summons.
A narcissist is a weapon that you assemble against yourself.
I love you so much. You are really making sense to me what my ex husband has being doing. I am devastated by the allegations he is making about me abusing my boys.
Thats why I have my boys at therapist
Mine does that too lol. Move to another country if u can😅
i never did marry either of the narc men i lived with. i just couldn't do that. i had kids with the first overt narc. he did not want much to do with the kids, thankfully. we ended it by me promising that i would never collect child support from him if he would just leave us alone. that worked. the second covert narc i would not marry unless we got a pre-nupt. he had a fit about that, but i stuck to my guns. his whole family said that we don't need a pre-nupt and looked at me funny. i had heard too many stories at work from people who divorced and lost much of their retirement account. i also would not get a bank account with him because he never had a good job. 14 years later came the discard. we never married. i kept my home and i am retired comfortably. think about a pre-nupt. it sure saved me. i didn't know about narcissism until 9 months ago. it was 30 years total with these 2 relationships. sigh............. another good video Duane. so helpful!
Thank you chemtrailmary I appreciate that! You are fortunate your intuition figured it out so you DIDN'T make that mistake! You know, my opinion and observation, when a person has been really abused they just want out and they want the person to GO AWAY. If someone is claiming abuse but they want EVERYTHING they can get - I'm a little more suspect in believing that story. -Duane
I love this video....you start right from the start with help. Some videos go thru a long drawn out announcement of 'Who they are"....which gets to be too much to hear over and over and over. Thank you...Great advice.
I knew totally nothing about NPD until three months ago. All I knew was that my gut was trying to tell me something, and I literally ran away. The last few months NC have been awful, mostly because of this person's actions. I am trying to keep my chin up, and no matter what is said about me, or anything else, in the long run, it does not matter.
I ran away too with out baby to another country. My gut told me run or something very bad is gonna happen. Now we have a custody fight still scared but my familly protects us. And im not scared to sleep anynore. He tries to manipulate threaten my but i would rather die than give him my baby. He as physically agressive towards me and took his range out on the baby because i gave the child all my attention and he was jealous i have no proof of that. God help me keep my baby and take the mønster away from us.
I definitely experienced the threats to my job security. my narcissistic abuser seems a little more intense than these examples. she had a son that would backup any story she would tell and would lie if she told him to. so anytime I tried to get my own bank account she would tell me if you ruin my life I will ruin yours... you know ------------ will tell the police that you touched him if I tell him to. truly horrible
Hi Narottama Panitz and welcome to the channel! Yeah, the examples I used were a little mild. I have a friend who had a similar experience you referenced - her ex-husband had his daughter fabricate a story to threaten her credential and career. Ultimately they recanted their claim but it was a very traumatic time for her.
So true Duane. I made peace with what he might do and he certainly did them! I got to the point where I wasn’t paralyzed anymore. He made good on his word unless the attorney was able to intervene. Got some material things back that way.
Thank God for email and texting! I am so scared of my ex-husband but because communication happens through email and text I can come across like he’s not bothering me at all. If I have to see him at a school function or in court I simply do not make eye contact. Hold my head up high but inside I’m shaking like a leaf! We are always in court because I left him-it’s his life’s mission now to try and destroy me. 😔
Rage the rage fears me. My brother couldn’t upset me during a conversation I refused to engage in so he started driving recklessly until was basically begging for my life. Once he arrived to my home he acted like everything was okay and he was only annoyed. But I ran inside shaking and ready to call the police. I don’t know what to do other than cut him off.
I hope that you have made that decision. No psychos 2021.
My ex did that many times when i was pregnant as well. He is crazy. Now we fight for the kid. I wish o had walked away earlier
The private past part...yup..it's their biggest fear tactic that and if u have kids...ugh. Thank you sir for your guidance and knowledge
One narcissist in my life recently asked me if I had watched Eddie Murphy on SNL on the 21st. The question you might think is innocent but the way in which was asked, the tone, everything, was very menacing, as if it was of dire social or political importance that I watch Eddie Murphy on SNL. Hail Murphy! And everything is like this with the narcissist. Simple daily questions are like serious interrogations, and this constant threatening behavior is difficult, really impossible to live with.
Great video. I have cptsd and this calming video I have found very helpful because I am going through this now and the ex narc is obviously being the monster that he is. The advice on being ready to unmask them is useful. I do have a lawyer who specialises in the ex's personality disorder. So fingers crossed I'm ready.
Hi Alana and welcome to the channel. Thank you for the feedback and I hope that this and my other videos will be helpful! That is *awesome* that you've found a lawyer that specializes in personality disorders. I know this is a tough time but if you could share your experience I think that would be very helpful. If you want to remain anonymous - about details - please feel free to contact me directly through email. I say this because a recurring question that I receive is about finding lawyers who understand and know about NPD and if that has made any difference. I would imagine if the family court doesn't really recognize it your attorney's ability to understand and know how to "work" your ex should be helpful. -Duane
Great video. In a stormy ocean you have to be the calm rational gray rock. GRAY ROCK.
I would say that first thing you have to admit you can't help that person. Perhaps you've already noticed one's ruthless and you feel obliged and guilty about their situation, but there's really nothing you can do but protect yourself - and that means, as you put it, taking your power back. My personal tactic is: I agree with them, I make them think I'm playing their game, I don't disclose much personal info, and then I just go about and do my thing without worrying what they'll think. People who live close to narcissists know that defying them is awful because they absolutely have to win on any occasion; so just agree, smile, pet them, and do your thing your way.
HI Duane fear is same as intimidating ones emotions,thanks for caring.
Absolutely Cindy!
Considering them a toddler throwing a tantrum.... & that you can love, while setting FIRM boundaries, accountability & consequences... (for me) helped BIG time. Taking out that emotional equation, which is difficult for an empath, but... has to be done, so you don't constantly sit asking yourself, "why me..... what... why... how could they...." etc. Spending all your time trying to make 'sense of it all (which will never ever happen, lol) Be well....
My ex narcessist was an avid reader of War books id go as far as saying he studied them. I believe this is where he got a lot of his ideas about how to control me and everyone else. Funnily enough my father was also a narcessist and he was an avid war book fan.
Not surprising, we tend to replicate those relationships trying to “prove” to ourselves that we are worthy of love. We have to fix our pickers and find someone WITHOUT those problems and traits! Hope you’re doing better now Charlie!
I realized what I was dealing with two days before I found out I was pregnant. It has been a two and a half year nightmare. Not gonna break though. Ever. Of course, he has stamina...daddy's money, part-time hours, and no conscience to hold him back. Absolute monster.
Oh that had to be tough. I mean it’s one thing if you’ve been in there for a while but to find out *right at the beginning* and then having to deal with the nightmare - and knowing you have 18+ years to endure it has to be *very* depressing. However, on a positive note, you’ve realized what you’re dealing with, you have him out of your “daily” life and your child doesn’t have to grow up in that household every day. So after this two and a half years how is it going now? Has the drama and chaos subsided or is it a constant battle? -Duane
Run before you give birth DO NOT GIVE HIM PARENTAL RIGHTS YOU WILL BE SORRY.!! I HAD to move to a differerent country to save myself and out son. He vas abusive towards me and sometimes mean to the baby because i gave only my child attention. He is a monster
I can’t think straight, confused, cluttered mind, scared and lost. I do want to give up. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to deal with it.
I hear you! It’s 2:30 am after another awful day as she’s in the bedroom sleeping sound and I’m in the other bedroom watching these videos with my mind being a mess. I don’t understand how someone can be so cruel to the person they claim to love. My minds in shambles more often than not. I always feel like I did something wrong or wonder what version of her I’m going to get next time I see her. I love this women with all my heart but she is killing me slowly
@@justingiles9992
You must go permanent no contact. The only solution.
This is already being done, and a co-worker advised me to do a 'NO CONTACT' tactic to make them realize my silence. Their response was what you mentioned. I almost lost my job and went to counseling (using friends to post on social media), which fueled my depression. I will continue the NO CONTACT and showing indifference. The problem is what you also explain: My soon-to-be-ex will do the same thing until the mask is dropped.
I was in a abuse relationship. He put me on the street. All my stuff was in trash bags. I didn’t have time to get all my stuff. I don’t care about my material stuff but I let my work equipment. I sent an email and he didn’t reply. I really don’t know what to do Great video I’m not w him but u still on fear.
My ex would get me in a corner like a tiger would to a mouse, and he would attack me, calling me names, saying horrible things, and not letting me move. Then he would BEG me to hit him for some odd reason. I would refuse to for years, but it got to a point where I couldn't handle the emotional abuse anymore, and being pinned to the corner of the wall, that I did start to fight back and hit him. He would come at me for unknown reasons, I never knew when to expect him to do this. But....he would purposely do anything to get me to hit him. He also would not accept NO for my answer when I refused to hit him, so he would push my buttons more as I cried, he stared at me with evil eyes, and physically held me tighter and continued the bullying. It was crazy...
And I think I figured out his game and why it is good that it is over, because I think it was going to get worse. When I first started dating him he told me that he hit his ex girlfriend after she hit him. I now believe that he projected his desire to hit me onto me, so that i would eventually hit him first, and he could eventually hit me back, and have a excuse and put it on me because I did it first. He did end up biting my hand really hard one time. Even though he literally held me hostage against my will, and got to a point where I was scared and got sick of being pinned down. I now know that that is exactly what he did to his ex. Then he wouldn't be so bad because the girl hit first.
The irony is that they probably couldn't give much of a shit about whatever they get from you, it's all about the narcissistic fuel of your emotions through turmoil. If the supply from you is nearing a legitimate end, best believe they'll go out with as big a bang as you'll let them.
Absolutely!!! I was devastated when she started showing others the framed poster of my…ya know…that I gave her for Christmas. My anxiety levels exploded the moment I found out others were openly talking about how well endowed I was. I’m just glad the comments of shock and amazement only lasted 5-6 years.
I’ll post a link below so you can get an better understanding of why I was so embarrassed and depressed. Please like and share but keep it between me and you. I don’t want it out there again. 🤣
My nonsense aside…this is a great video.
You sound a little toxic yourself anybody who would send a framed pic of thier private parts to anyone as a gift has issues
@@jamesrutter4100 “little” toxic is probably a bad choice of words.
Mine went to the elderly woman I do caregiving and cleaning for and interrogated her about my hours and pay. I’ve told her a bit about him and thankfully she saw right through him and told him to bug off. He’s also brought up me having a glass of wine in front of my kids and embellished, so now I don’t even have a glass with dinner or even at holiday with family because I feel I have to be on guard.
The latest- I have been with a wonderful, supportive, stable non Narc man for 7 months now and my ex Narc is insuating to my kids that he doesn’t like my bf (never has met or talked to) and that the kids should not “be alone” with him!!!! He’s always switching his tactics. I’m so glad I have tools to combat and I am surprised I was able to get out after so many years.
Yes! Found out I was pregnant after I caught him with another woman. He implied I should get an abortion. When that didn't work for me, he tried to get me to give my child up for adoption. When I refused that, he said, "I know you have a history of mental illness, you've displayed very unhealthy behavior, you're unfit to be a parent" implying he would get full custody, and he said all his friends and family would go up to bat for him. He really got into my head. I had depression, anxiety, insomnia, and I even started to think I should get an abortion though I've always wanted to be a mom. I told him I needed to go no contact, he contacted my mom and threatened legal action. I literally had to go no contact because the stress would make me miscarry.
Desi G did you have your baby yet?
How is your baby now?
You are so strong. I hope you and your baby are doing well.
@@Art-gb5ok thank you very kind. I have an amazing boy now
@@anm9059 yes, healthy baby boy
I am watching your videos for nearly a year now, and though I understand these people quite well now. And certainly you helped me with that. Although I have now filed the divorce (Germany) this video was an eye opener, to understand my current situation. That is surprising. Please continue - there might be even more you can help people like me with. Thank you!
Shouting getting aggressive screaming. If ur an anxious person they play on it. Threats ur so right there
So well said. Right smack dab in the middle of one of the craziest DV’s of all time. My Narcissistic wife is literally insane and has worked the system like a puppet master. Even my DV attorney said she has never seen anything like it. Every single thing you said in this video...... my ex is doing - to the letter!!! Thanks for the video man
I am in the middle of this now and it is terrifying. She is in Greece and I had to make a fast exit to save my mental health. She has BPD. Now she’s threatening to prevent me from ever coming back to Greece, she’s concocting a narrative of lies to make me look like the abuser and I’m not sure what to do. But getting frightened is not the answer so this video helps.
My ex has fallen so far into paranoid schizophrenia. I can't take it anymore. The threats are insane and the behavior is insane and the thinking is insane. The things that he accuses me of are so far out there and so far removed from anything I would ever do or know how to do, I just don't even know how to deal with it anymore. I just give up I'm having anything to do with him or trying to respond anymore. You cannot respond rationally to an insane person, because they just take it and twist it around, and then it fuels their fire. I'm tired of being threatened and terrorized by a self-absorbed maniac. I really am. And then when he calms down, he'll always come back and tell me how much he loves me, and I'm like, are you serious? Love doesn't turn you into a psychopathic maniac that wants to hurt me and threatens me with all sorts of violence and retribution for things I never had anything to do with. there's one term that has always reminded me of what I've been dealing with for years now... Guilty until proven innocent. The problem is, you could prove all you want, and he will find something else that convinces him of his own insane delusions being true all over again. There's no way out other than to walk away.
Omfg 😱 yesssssss. That what I went thru for 2 years. He believed I was using him for a place! When in actuality I was living with my sister! At the time! And he asked me if I can move in with him after a few weeks knowing him. I just gotten out of a previous narc relationship! He lived in a room. Divorced from his wife! And then he asked lets get a place. Together. Itt felt rushed! I lend money to him so we can get a place together! I just felt used
Plus it always seems like you cannot talk right. The words get jumble and your vocabulary decreases cant find the right words
Thanks, Duane. Rereading vids cuz having a hard time right now. Another exparte yesterday. Judge threw it out. Another hearing in June. I finally had a chance to breathe. Boop! My 13 year old daughter is refusing to visit me though we have court orders. I think what happened is major PA. Don't want to traumatize her. Her dad won't stop. Best interest..not! I have no support. When I call my mom she yells at me. Dad passed 2 years ago. My parents divorced 50 years. Didn't want to raise my kids like that and make them choose parents. Mine finally cooperated for my kids BDs etc, but now holy cow, even though my dad is gone. Thx as always....
My dad has been the most influential person in my life ever. However, when his marriage failed he’s been the only one that has stood by me and my brother. Suddenly he has started showing signs of narcissism whenever he’s mad.
Wow I am so glad I found your channel. Thanks for making me feel like there’s hope.
That is key Tera to realize there is hope and a pathway forward to heal after all of this!
My boyfriend knows i suffer from severe abandonment issues from my childhood so he constantly threatens to leave me every time he starts a fight. And hearing you say they will try to interfere with your employment makes alot of sense to me cause he destroyed everything i made for my etsy site so i had to take my shop down cause i have nothing left and i spent 100s of hours making all the pieces i was selling. Im just so broken, so lost, so hurt and soooo fucking tired. Its hard to even get out of bed for anything at this point. My depression and ptsd hasnt been this intense in years and i just can't crawl out of this hole no matter what i do cause the second i start to try he kicks me back into the pit of all my pain. I dont think ive genuinely smiled in god knows how long. And of course on top of that my father is dying and hes the only other person i have in this world. There's just nothing left here for me in this world.
Me too. I suffer from agoraphobia depression social anxiety! And C-ptsd. I had two narc relationship. And this one was the worst! Neverr gave me my stuff back. Racist. Called me the n word. Told one night. N get out. Of my housee after I helped us establish a place. Payed half of the rent! Bought food and affection and he told me that! I felt so ashamed to be black!
@@Dana93Korn I finally left my abusive boyfriend 5 months ago and found someone who takes care of me and treats me the best anyone ever has. I'm sending you all my love and energy that you will heal the trauma he forced on you and move on to what you truly deserve!!! My heart is with you girl 💯
I had a narc boss who belittled me in front of my peers and who said she promoted me to Supervisor which was untrue, then set out to prove I was victimizing my co-workers. She also threatened me with a made up medicine concoction that I had two spoons of and spent 1 1/2 in the washroom trying to get over the pain and also blamed me for that, told me to FO and told others I had said that. This was over 10 years covertly until she started talking to me overtly with her impulsive anger. Seems she created an alter (alternate) ego/persona of me and dressed up as me at work as a health care worker, (and also showed up in the hospital as one), then made herself the victim of me. So I was supposed to be the good guy who took care of her then the bad guy who turned against her, all the while I had nothing to do with her scenarios!. She stalked me over 40 years. She finds out your fears or how you feel about things then uses them against you. Like the Bandersnatch, Snark and Boson, it doesn't know it's feared until you feel threatened by it then its recourse is to jump at you in defense of itself then you react in fight or flight and some people will act to fight, then you're caught at the perpetrator, when the best idea is to 'flight' run for the hills.s
I never gave away my secrets to my ex narc....and that pissed him off!...I started hearing his narrative of....."IF you don't get real then get out!" I kept asking him what that means...he knew but didn't want to tell me.....I figured it out later....fear tactics of making me cave in. ...using my emotions against me.....I NEVER CAVED IN TO HIS TACTICS....AND IT ALL TURNED AROUND ON HIM TO BITE HIM IN THE ARSE...I USED BLACKMAIL ON HIM AND HAVEN'T HEARD A PEEP OUT OF HIM FOR OVER A YEAR...
Thankfully I'm only dealing with a low life family member, and I use that term very fractionally, who has stolen off my mum consistantly over the past 25 years since my father died and has blamed me for it. I never knew how deep and insidious greed could go. Don't get me wrong, I'm no saint but OMG!!!! I never saw this coming. My upbringing was great, I never had a problem. I grew up with love and happiness. It all started with the death of my father and then the sister took over. Thought that was cool, I was away working remote jobs. Anyway, too long a story. Needless to say it's alk gone sideways. I'm sure it's all been said before.
I want to hear more about your story.... please🙏
I ignore the narc ex for the most part. Communication goes through third party only. But I’m aware he threatens court action here and there. This happens occasionally, actually pretty regularly, but it goes nowhere. It’s just intimidation and empty threats. He uses the judicial system to threaten but no attorney in their right mind would advocate for him on anything he threatens to do. He’s so bizarre and it no longer bothers me. It does affect my kids though, it scares them. They don’t feel safe with me because he does this. I am not sure how to navigate that with my kids because I’m between a rock and a hard place. He tears into the kids and blames and shames them.
Sometimes they'll whisper in lower tone of voice about framing you n such
He is speaking about my Marriage . . . Literally
One thing you’ll notice Chris is that a lot of our stories are VERY similar. They definitely all follow the same playbook
I’ve just gone through this . In the last 6 months and you’re bang on !!
Frances Bernard here. Rise above it. I know that is harder said than done. The appearance of them being good at what they are doing is only an illusion for a season.If you instead try to see things from not only your own emotions in time perspective then you will be able to see the truth about the large amounts of energy, time and money they are using to their own all eventual detriment because only the well being of the children because most of their motivations are not the best interests of the children and so it will be their own undoing. Like when having to buy status symbols and an advanced education to attract their next victim. Keep your efforts to protect your children and your contributions to their welfare in proper perspective too by looking out for number one as much as possible because if you do not then when it does catch up with them because of their motivations then you will not have the strength to do as good of a job of caring for your children. If and when your children do come back to you it is going to be another kind of ordeal that you must be for awhile prepared for too. By for example taking parenting classes if you have the time.
What if I have the most stamina and I whoop there ass.
My ex was manipulative I think. After 2 years (broken engagement) I’m still feeling guilty that it was my fault. During the relationship he broke up 4 times. I had such an fear of him breaking up and me losing him, me which grew more and more and till today I’m still feeling this fear. Him threatening leaving me or breaking engagement was terrible.
My husband always threatened to leave until I started saying don't tell me you are leaving just do it. He would suddenly change his mind and want to work on the marriage.
My former Narc uses this on my two teen kids, I’m not scared!🙏
I feel like my life is falling apart. I made a huge mistake by beocming financially enmeshed with my abusive ex, now I might go through legal troubles because of it. I feel so stupid , but i also feel scared.
Well if you ever want to steal all his money and run away together with me to a tropical island I’m down
Violent Stalker now X is inherently evil and violent to put the fear in me unnecessarily. I physically fought his violence off. All he cared about was the extreme fear I have of him. PTSD.
Me too
Fantastic video! Every now and then I ask myself the question: Is evil energy more powerful than positive energy? As you stated, the stamina in which these individuals posses is relentless. It seems like nothing can stop these people from their objective of destroying you emotionally and financially. My three sons are still young (10,8 and6)i often find myself day dreaming to the day were they are finally teenagers and i would be able to skip the interactions with the mother permanently.
Hi Volatile Bliss! I think the problem with evil energy is it emotional manipulates us and causes us to respond in a stressful and irrational way. I feel when we begin to control our responses we take that power back and the abuser starts to have stress because their plan starts to fall apart. The real bad part though is that doesn't last because they all seem to be able to compartmentalize and recover rather quickly.
Let me share this - IT DOES GET BETTER WHEN THE KIDS GET OLDER! So just hang on and things will start to get better. -Duane
He constantly throws my past in my face to try and degrade me. And when I ask him to be a father to our kids and help me raise them, he says I don’t want him anymore and asks me if I really want to see him with another woman. It’s very exhausting and stressful that I get panic attacks. I wish he would just go do whatever and leave me out of it.
Wanting to walk away because of fear and realizing what you truely value are effects of being around a Narc. The ones I know certainly have different values than me.
My ex told his current girlfriend everything about me in details. Made me seem like I was an abuser and a terrible mother. He has threatened me to get sole custody, but I was smart to record our conversations with him knowing and he said awful things about our kids, even wanting to abort them. We are moving next year. I have had no contact with him for 2 months and he contacts me ever 2 days via email. 14 years of his crap is enough. I have saved everything just in case we go to court. No response is best.
The bond I have with my children will always be there
That is the key thing to focus on!
If their smears are a threat to your livelihood, that is when you must see a lawyer. Not any lawyer. A lawyer who specializes in smears and knows a bit about cluster B.
I completely agree with you Joseph!
Good video, this is exactly what I have been dealing with for years. Examples and all.
Thank you for this video. I needed to hear these words this morning.
Never ever be on camera around a narcissist. These people are not afraid of exposing themselves but relish using any leverage against another person. Revenge porn is a big favorite of theirs.
That is great advice. That last part is just horrible to do to someone…. But considering NOTHING is off the table with a narcissist it doesn’t surprise me…
My mother has been a victim of my narcissistic father for 31 years. She finally decided to divorce him and got a divorce attorney. A few days later my mother is arrested for cutting my dad with scissors. My mom claims he is lying that he injured himself and I beleive her. My dad had just promised her before this that he would win in the end that he would take everything. Now it's not looking good for the divorce my mom might not get child custody or alimony since she has no recording or proof of his verbal abuse and that he self inflicted his injury. He also filed a restraining order the very next day of her arrest and was granted full custody until the court hearing. It makes me sick to my stomach my dad would do something this horrible to her the man is a monster.
If u want the kids they do, if u want the house they do, if u don’t want it they don’t! I think that can b a help! If u don’t want money they’ll give it to u, if u want money they hold back! It’s whatever the opposite is atleast with the one I know, so I think it’s best to act lik u don’t care while secretly caring and doing the behind the scenes work and taking when u trick them!
I'm in a situation where my ex wife who's a narcissist has deliberately stopped the 50/50 custody arrangement we had between us to no contact and now has allowed me 4 days a fortnight and is refusing to go back to 50/50 custody because of financial reasons!! I'm now having to go to court to try and get a legally binding child custody order in place.
Neutralize the real risks. Partner with smart friends so the risk is gone.
Then you can act bored by everything else. Train yourself to be bored by the threats. Note when they keep using the same threats over and over. It's like a tantrum at the grocery store. They are recycling. Go no contact as best you can.
As a victim, if you suspect your ex or spouse is narc, record everything secretly, Then broadcast that to the friends they have, thats when their mask comes out.
He always made threats about not financially helping me raise my child and I told him that I will never take him to court for that if he doesn't want to feed his child he can go ahead and so far he has been providing for him
Hi Duane ! I have a question that is somewhat personal ...but I am really curious as to how you handle it ( if you do at all ) Does your EX know that you do videos on Narcissism ? Also , if so , has this caused any problems for you ? You mentioned that Narc's are afraid of being exposed ( and I agree ! ) and they will back down if they know you are about an inch away from saying or doing anything that will expose them. I guess my question is , is there a way of doing this without inviting the Narc's back to attack you or view this as supply. ? Many would rather have negative attention...rather than none at all.
Well Lorie, that is a really great question. To the best of my knowledge she doesn't know about the channel. I have only mentioned this to a handful of people I really trust and that was only after the channel started growing. I know that I do mention some of my personal experience but I truly hope that I do not come off as a jilted ex - I am not doing this to disparage her or bring attention to her. I'm doing this to reach people who are at a truly dark part in their life. As I have mentioned before I know how difficult and hard this was for me and I have always wanted to come across as sincere as someone who's been through it - but who also isn't so distant from it that I can't not relate anymore. I am also putting a lot of faith in the "karma points" for doing this and I'm trusting that everything will work out the way it is supposed to. I have always lived my life trying do the the *right* thing and *everything* has always worked out (even if there was a lot of pain associated with it). I really feel like this is something that I've been meant to do. I know there will be a time where she will find out about this site and I'm hoping that either nothing happens or something good comes out of it. So I'm not sure if that answered your question. -Duane
Great answer Duane . And, I completely understand . I remember for several years being reluctant to speak about my EX online , even though I knew I would never expose him aka give personal details , name,address ,etc. But still the thought was always in the back of my mind , what would I do if he found out I mentioned him and he knew it was me . ? That's somewhat far fetched I know. Like You , I have always tried to do the right thing. To treat people as I wished to be treated . To show compassion. I realized that my Ex saw me as a really nice person that he could take advantage of and walk all over. Like a door mat. I did make the decision that I was going to trust God and NOT live my life in fear and in the what if's. But , occasionally I slip back into that mode. Its still a topic that I do research on . Always keep my guard up or try to. Its been over 13 years for me and he quickly remarried . So, I don't anticipate that happening to me .... him hoovering me.. But I realize that you have kids and thought maybe they knew and would tell your ex or if a family member of yours might tell her or whatever . But yes , You did answer my question and Yes...you do come off as sincere , a decent person.. (which they are not . ) I can tell this was traumatic for you as it was for me , But you also come across as someone who is winning the battle , who was able to call identify her problem and call her what she is , a narcissist and move on with your life. And, I do think you are helping a great many people . Thank you for the response !!!
You're welcome! :-) -Duane
Absolutely I’m so glad I got out!🙏🌷
Very nice video. I believe that the whole of them having a lot of stamina is because it is their personality to be this way, plain and simple. It isn't something they have to work at being. Some would say that it just comes naturally to them.. Does that make sense?
It absolutely makes sense Grace! It is really amazing (or maybe odd is a better word) how these people are instinctively able to do these things. -Duane
True. And, sometimes it is that they had a great role model (often a parent / other elder family member) to learn from early on.. It's eerie how similar they can be to one another.
Very true! -Duane
The narcissist always gets themselves into trouble. My narcissist father always started threatening when he ran out of money.
But I'd already written out a plan on what to do, kept finances secret and when plenty of financial security and housing was in place I just left.
I heard the loan sharks were looking for him and now the narc fears for his life.
Now I've put plenty of assets into trust and should I meet a narcissist as a partner I will laugh my ass off when I leave. In trust baby.
They can take the few savings and try to fight the trust but they'll lose.
Trusts are wonderful things as compassionate people who want to help but the trust is a separate entity.
You're a narcissist.
I have been paralyzed in fear off and on. I feel physically threatened by his presence... he used to hint at the ways he would harm me.
Their use of fear is really vicious and it can keep us just as you said paralyzed in fear... For the most part - MOST - of the time it isn't based in anything real. The only caveat I would say is if it is threat of violence take that to heart and do what you need to protect yourself.
The best thing to do is to cut off contact with a narcissist while going through a divorce. Let the narcissist communicate through your attorney. If you have kids, have the narc pick up the kids at a neutral place. Block emails, block their phone #. If the narc can't get to your ear, the narc can't use fear. If they are forced to communicate in writing, you have records of their threats.
My ex narc threatened to destroy me, to ruin my career, to take the kids and furniture and disappear, to kill me (take that seriously). to drag me through the courts and GO TO WAR. Nasty piece of work, a narc who has a narcissistic injury.
Okay - I KNOW I responded to this comment a few days ago - that is excellent advice Been There - use your attorney for everything and DO NOT communicate with the narcsissitc - it won't do any good and they will just use those experiences to get supply and emotional manipulate you. I know it costs money to use the attorney BUT it will save your sanity. -Duane