My grandmother used to say that if you notice a small flaw in the beginning, it usually only escalates and worsens after marriage and this tiny thing later becomes a giant issue. She advised me to not only choose someone based on similarities and good traits, but also based on their flaws and she was right! It's easy to pick when you're deciding solely based off of good traits while ignoring or downplaying any flaws.
What a wise lady! I totally agree. Somewhere along the way, I heard flaws referred to as the “price of admission.” Like, are you able to tolerate the flaws and what they will “cost” you to enter a close relationship with the person. It sounds transactional, and of course humans are nuanced and complex, and so are relationships. But it is a good reminder that someone’s bad traits do end up extracting something from those around them. Of course, their good qualities contribute positively to the people around them. But the “currency” is not always the same.
@@elusivemayfly7534 That's exactly what she was referring to as there's always a price to pay, but we can choose what we can and can't afford. Some people can handle a more jealous partner better than others and the same applies to any negative trait such as frugality although there's a thin line between frugality and stinginess, politeness and hypocrisy, compliment and irony. Unfortunately, as with everything in life the universal currency is energy regardless of the form it takes.
@@cristina14k Thanks to her, I'm still single 😄(by choice) especially, since my parents were the worst example. I hope you're doing great now though! I once read a quote, smart people learn from their mistakes while the wise learn from other's mistakes. The secret is to wait for them to make those mistakes first. The important thing is that we learn, develop and avoid repeating any negative patterns. Sometimes, we have to get close enough to the fire to understand that it burns. All of us learn differently and that's okay.
You're describing my mom. People always talk about how nice she is, but she doesn't take care of herself and was very neglectful towards my siblings, and I when we were younger. She comes home and brags about all the nice things people say about her. We just roll our eyes because she is a nightmare to live with. She will give a stranger her last and won't care if she and her household starves.
That's my mom. I once won a lawsuit, (received a small amount) and told my mother that once it came in I'd give her $500.00, before it came in she began hounding me everyday with calls for the money. I asked her to wait and she said that she couldn't and that she needed her money, Yes all of a sudden my money became hers. I went into savings and gave her the money. A few days later her sister my aunt called me up laughing, that my mom had given her the money! She didn't need she just wanted it. I confronted my mom and she didn't care. People like this never learn. I keep my distance.
Hey Megan, there’s this concept called “self-erasure” that I came across when looking at my own people pleasing. It’s like you become so focused outwardly on other people’s expectations and needs that you without knowing it “erase” yourself (your likes, dislikes, opinions, goals, desires in life etc) to the point that you don’t know who you are or what you want anymore. It sounds like this is what you are describing in the video. That’s why when you ask a people pleaser where they want to eat dinner they genuinely don’t know how to answer..
Yes! This comment is so on point. As a recovered people pleaser, self-erasure and self-betrayal was the worst. It takes a lot of inner work to move away from this (self) harmful behavior. People pleasers generally don’t feel safe making any type of decisions because there was likely a consequence to making a wrong decision. So to appease, you don’t think for yourself or make decisions on your own. Most people pleasing adults are stuck in that place because it’s not just about people pleasing or being nice, it’s about survival.
Sometimes parent's expectations for their children is so selfish and damaging. My mom was incredibly angry at me when I moved out at 18 because she wanted me to contribute to their rent, but I knew if I stayed I would stay stuck there and I'm not about to stay stuck with mom until 40! That niceness has happened to me before I used to spend my entire days helping acquaintances, neighbors, family, family friends etc. because with whatever they needed, it was incredibly stressful but when I finally stopped saying yes they all disappeared and I'm much happier now spending my time doing things I enjoy without the burden of having to keep doing favors for others.
Going through a similar experience now at 23. Although I've been out of the house since 18, I was still heading home often from university and giving my all for those around me. If I learned anything, people pleasers are great at attracting self-centered individuals. We were raised to be told taking care of yourself is selfish, but if you don't pour into yourself, how will you have the energy for those deserving of your time and love? Keep protecting yourself and your boundaries
Boundaries! No matter what the culture, you can be a good person and treat people well, but there has to be some boundaries, otherwise your life is going to be suffering.
It is not that easy to set boundaries in Korean society. There are certain rules you are expected to follow. Being nice to elders is one of them. It is not always good to just be nice for your mental health.
This is harder to do in a collectivist society compared to an individualistic society! It’s easier to set boundaries in an individualist society as everyone lives for self and setting boundaries is applauded! In a collectivist society, everyone acts for the betterment of the group and once you move outside of the perimeters of the group, you are shunned and seen differently!
As a recovering people pleaser myself, it’s so important to remember the difference between nice and kind. The definition of nice includes agreeableness where the definition of kindness does not. As a Christian, I believe that’s why kindness is a fruit of the spirit and not niceness. If you are too agreeable, you are going to be run over and taken advantage of.
I know exactly what you mean! My husband's family took advantage of my generosity and turned on me when it went south and I started to say "no" to his family at every opportunity they wanted something from me. To this day, they don't ask anymore.
Yes. I learned this after doing some inner work years ago. God actually led me to look up the definition of nice vs kind. And I got the revelation of what you just said. Also, Matthew 10:16 helped me.
Also (coming from a recovering people pleaser as well 😭) being nice has an aspect of performing/ maintaining an image Whilst kindness is about being genuine and true to one’s identity
I’m not Asian but have dated several Asian guys who all tend to be nice guys. The very first one traumatized the absolute shit out of me because of their people pleasing. I think one of the worst parts of people pleasers/nice guys is that they inevitably do cruel and calculated bad behavior out of resentment and covert contracts, and they end up always having perfect excuses or justifications *because* they’ve been “nice.”
You cant blame them. This is how us men have been socially conditioned by the media for decades and partly from women as well saying they want nice guys. The reality is what women say they want and what they do incongruent. They hate nice guys bc they dont feel safe around this type of man. A man that can set boundaries say no and stand up to her is a man that a woman can respect and love. Without respect a woman is not capable to love a man. A woman can only love a man when she looks up to him. A love from woman to man is similar to how a daughter looks up to her loving father.(not in weird way)
@@davidpark2509 What you said is in a weird way. I admire my spouse and not in a father way but an actual life partner way. You can trust that they can lean on you during hard times and that you can lean on them. You're supposed to be a team.
@@davidpark2509What you're saying is true, however I will still lay blame on them, just the same way men blame women for becoming crazy liberals. Some accountability needs to be taken. At some point an honest person will recognize what they've been doing isn't working and reflect on that. It's the people that can't or won't look at their own behavior in any situation that are a problem.
@@davidpark2509ultimately we all are responsible for how we act. I don’t blame my parents, society, or the opposite gender for my behavior. I am in control over me because I choose integrity and accountability. I don’t trust anyone that uses others as a justification for their actions.
So basically people pleasers, anyone who disregard their own needs and “sacrifices” their happiness for their parents, kids, society will never be happy internally until they establish boundaries & do things for themselves for their own fulfillment. That built up resentment from not having their needs met and always sacrificing will always come out in the form of passive aggression, constant complaining/nitpicking, and entitlement. HONORING AND COMMUNICATING YOUR NEEDS AND BOUNDARIES IS KEY. NOW dont get this mistaken… you definitely want to be with someone who is genuinely kind, who is considerate, appreciates you for you and enjoys helping out & being there for you. When it come from a healthy place (meaning they honor their OWN needs and boundaries and others) this is THE best and most loving partner you’ll ever come across.
I'm Korean American and I was never allowed to have boundaries growing up. It was so difficult to have boundaries my entire life and my 20's was spent learning that with people who just took and took from me. After having children, I really have no extra to give, and my girls deserve the best mom. I don't want to set that example for them. I stand my ground with boundaries with people more and more, and I have conversations with the girls about boundaries as well. You do not need to keep toxic people in your life. No one is owed or entitled to your energy and time. When it comes to my Korean mom, it's extremely difficult. I understand her as a woman but as her child, it's incredibly difficult. I am good to her but I am Korean American, not Korean. I do not give her regular 용돈 ($$$) but I have given her large sums even though I was rarely cared for on my birthdays. She expects gifts from me but not from my brother or even my dad. My mom is furious with us moving away to another state but my parents didn't visit us much when we lived 7 minutes away (they expected us to drive to them). She would complain about watching our kids even though she had us move 6.5 hours to her. It has never been easy with her and she's the one I still have so much difficulty with in terms of boundaries. She's gotten better but went backwards after getting hit by a car and breaking nearly every bone in her body. To some, your videos is simply entertaining but for us who actually has to live through it, it's really difficult. Korean culture is raw though. There's difficult aspects but some aspects are so great as well. I don't want to paint a negative picture all the way. I do appreciate many parts of it as well.
What does your brother think about y’all’s boundaries with your parents? And hope your mom is doing better after that car accident. I still remember the reaction after my grandma passed at around mid 60s on my mom’s side, my mom took it pretty badly for a long while
What you described about your mom is exactly like what I have experienced with MIL. I understand the frustration and pain to endure because younger generations are expected to endure. I don’t have hopes. That is the reason I wouldn’t be ecstatic if my daughter brings a Korean guy.
@mhypark For some reason this reminded me of Crying in H Mart. It's a great book that describes the complexities of mother-daughter relationships. If you haven't read it, I recommend it.
For me, it’s more so about avoiding conflict and arguments. And I believe that’s from a combo of groomed to be a people pleaser AND bullying from a parent & the favorite child. I realized I have a hard time saying no due to the fear of creating an argument. I ask my therapist all the time how can I get my word across without arguing and being a bully bc it’s a behavioral pattern learned from caretaker. I’m still working on how to speak up and create healthy boundaries without causing tension or losing a friend.
I think that’s the surface level fear involved with people pleasing though. But much deeper than that, there’s a fear of experiencing the psychological and physiological symptoms of fear- chest pain, lightheadedness, shortness of breath, etc which comes from not feeling good enough, being a burden, or having a low opinion of yourself. It’s all internal and hence it’s self centered because it’s actually less concerned about the conflict at hand or the other person and more about not wanting to feel uncomfortable. You’re putting your emotional safety over the authentic lives or relationships with other people- hence the “selfishness” of people pleasing.
I think alot of us struggle with that, I know I do! I had good parents but they were very assertive and dominant, and I was a really sensitive child with not alot of assertiveness. I do believe that assertiveness can be learned though, and it is possible to have boundaries that are unflinching and firm, without creating a terrible argument. Just think, you can only create a two-way argument if you participate in it. Instead, I've learned to just say no when I need to, and end of story. If there is a situation you want to make a compromise on, you can, but if not then don't. If they'd like to fight with me fine, but I won't be participating in a conflict, and eventually they will just deflate anyway and the conflict will be over. It's uncomfortable, for sure, but you get better the more you practice it. I have had to try doing it online first for practice, then in person the more practice you get at it. It's a work in progress for sure! I know for me, people pleasing is born out of a fear of "not being good enough" for my parents, and it often starts really early in kids lives.
I agree, nice people who have no boundaries will not be able to protect their loved ones. My family is Chinese, but my parents fit the description perfectly. They are like kids constantly asking for praise. They didn't realize they had kids themselves and even threw us under the bus for the praise of people who disliked us. It took us kids a big part of our adult life to recover, but we are now setting boundaries and protecting our loved ones.
Trust me you don't want my parents either. There are extremes to this. They are anything but nice and have ruined my life. They weren't physically abusive but mentally abusive. Asswholes who don't have boundaries as well are almost worse.
It’s so funny because its something that I’ve noticed while living here in South Korea. I’ve noticed there is a lot of politeness and niceness but I don’t see a lot of acts of kindness. I actually see more acts of kindness when I go back to London which is more of an individualistic society. But there is always variations with different societies. I have a family member who appears to be kind but actually does it to appear a certain way so they can monitor what other people in the family are doing and actually bad mouths family members behind their back. It’s quite manipulative. But they are slowly being exposed.
I was in seoul just for 3 days and took the subway to meet friends. There were some red seats who were 'reserved' i guess and an elder woman came in and there was no place to sit. Nobody offered the seat and my ass thinking 'isn't anyone offering seat to ahjuma' then i stood up and offered. She declined with a smile.
Megan - you are 100% SPOT ON with all of this. My last relationship was with a Korean man (and we are not even based in Korea) and everything you described was exactly why we fell apart. I feel so seen and understood. Thank you so much for making this video. ❤ Merry Christmas!
You can blame the social conditioning by the media and movies on how men are supposed to chase women and treat women nicely to win over her love. All of this is not based in reality and don't show true female nature. Even women perpetuate this nonsense by saying that they want a nice guy. Their words may say this but their actions prove they don't. A man needs to lead and set boundaries and learn to say no to women when they're getting out of line. Never ever be a pushover to a woman. woman has to look up to a man to love and respect him. Period.
I’m not Korean but I feel like you are talking about me. I gotta fix up. I’ll say though. It’s extremely hard to break out of this…been working on breaking this cycle this year. Therapy was great for me to have a place where I could be ugly (and ugly being just saying things that aren’t harmful but what I felt other people would hate about me) and doing little things to prove to myself that if I prioritize myself, I will be loved regardless, or hated, but I will not die haha. If you have this problem I recommend making small changes like, saying no to someone you usually say yes by visualizing them rejecting you etc. Now I’m vegetarian, and being vegetarian I’m able to ask people to consider me, etc. Or seeing people dislike you, and use that to push yourself to make even more people dislike you….by being yourself. The urge and voice to people please is very strong but you have to fight it. Kind of sad lol but it’s a process. As kids when you’re raised with this upbringing you feel if you don’t act properly you will literally die but we have to learn we are adults and will not die even if people dislike you 😜
I also felt a little bit like oh no that's me haha, but it is a problem I know I have and have been getting a lot better about over the past few years. Specifically I'm an overworker and those demands on myself I do sometimes subconsciously apply to other people, especially family (so I could for sure see myself doing it to a spouse).
Thank you for this video! I felt some light bulbs going off while you were talking. This explains so much about my last few relationships! Guys doing things so they can be the "nice guy", but then not knowing what to do when it interferes with the relationship and makes you mad. Also the problem when you are with this "nice guy" and the mask comes off, cause he's had a hard day...and no one believes you because he's nice to everyone but you! 😭
My Mom always wanted to "keep the peace" in the family, which made her sibs walk all over her. When I, as a young teen, admonished them for it (actually, I WENT IN on them, by letter), and they got mad about it, she tried to get me to stop. My protective nature ended up saving her life. There were people (whom I pretty much ignored) telling me what a "good daughter" I was for the things I did. I ignored them bc I didn't care about anyone's praise, I just wanted my mom to have the best possible quality of life...but I still worked full-time and played in a working band. As long as my (very independent) Mom never suffered, I was cool. My religion teaches that you don't do things for praise, and you don't brag abt it, which is also cool. When my parents were alive, I never mentioned these things. However, I lived the life *I* wanted to live, by my rules. I WAS a "good daughter" but, outside of that, I was still my own person. Bottom line, a people pleaser can raise a child who isn't one...but only if the parents raise their offspring to be an Independent Thinker. There's hope...but it's not an easy ride.
Yeah! Thanks for sharing. Usually kids go opposite of the parents. If your mom was a people pleaser you recognized that she needed help and became a protector of sorts. It’s good that you are your own person but also help others. I think you found the right balance~ I bet your mom was so grateful for you standing up for her in the end.
First video of yours I ever watched, and I gotta say, thank you. I'm a Korean female who's been stuck between divorcing parents, and it's been a nightmare for nearly 10 years because my mom leeched onto me (more than usual) during the process. I nearly committed suicide this year (still not out of the woods yet), but I feel immensely validated right now hearing that there's similar experiences to mine. I thought I was the lazy and ungrateful one for all these years, and that crushing guilt was THE thing that nearly drove me to suicide, but hearing your words in this video helps me not feel gaslit for the first time in my life. I don't think there's anybody who's actually talking about this sort of thing nowadays (since it's a such distinctly cultural problem), so again, thanks. I knew precisely what the problem in my life was, but it comforts me that I'm not the only one experiencing it and that I'm not utterly crazy. Will check out Kim Chang Wook's video as well.
Will confirm by the way that the "nice" Koreans in society are often not very nice privately. Everyone tells my mom that she's an angel, and she is in many ways, but she was a nightmare to her children. She's amazing as an individual, but as a mother....I felt utterly cannibalized by her.
This was just super insightful overall discussing enmeshed families, lack of boundaries, etc. I think some of these things may need to change to help the falling marriage and birth rates.
This is the same problem with Indian men too..............the elders dream for a "nice man" some sort of ideal person who takes care of everything and in the process forgets to LOVE his woman and grow with her...........
In the process of him doing everything you just exist and consume every bit of value in his life while also expecting him to do the LOVE part of the relationship.
@@dzpol566 Sadly LOVE is only that thing one needs........man or woman in todays world everything else is doable by both.......LOVE is certainly the one and only this you can give......................
Hi Megan, I’m normally silent viewer since your teaching Korean videos and I just want to say I’m so proud of the person you are! It was so courageous for you to move to a foreign country, learn the language and now have your own cute family. I appreciate your insight on topics like this ❤
This is so true!! Ladies please take notes. My father is 100% like this, a very good loyal son to my grandparents but not a very good husband to my mother. He has absolutely no boundaries with his family and always worried about their opinions and approval. Men like this who can’t prioritise their spouse don’t make good husbands. Because ladies, in the event that you end up being with a man and his parents are abusive to you, your man will not protect you, he will not stand up for you. Learn from my mother’s mistake, don’t just be with a man who’s very nice to his family. Make sure he’s got boundaries and that he’s not someone who lets his family take advantage of him.
I was an overly nice person once upon a time, but not because I wanted praise or recognition but because I was taught that I needed to be this way. That in order to make friends. To be accepted. To be a proper lady…. It only got me bullied and taken advantage of. When I went to my dad in tears about the bullying he told me I wasn’t being nice enough…I needed to be nicer. My mom changed her view point and was like nope! Be nice. Be polite. Be a lady. But set boundaries and know when to put your foot down… or in a persons behind 🦶 🍑 know when to say no and don’t let yourself be disrespected. Things changed drastically 😂 other kids learned real quick don’t mess with Marlinah 😆 I took what my mom said and ran a country mile with it 😁 Family is harder. It’s hard to say no or set boundaries with your elders. It took me a long time. Now at 52 I’ve cut contact with both sides of my family. The toxicity was real. I lost my mom in April of 2020 and my grandmother several months before that. I only talk to my siblings, their children, my children, and my grandchildren. I’m a lot happier now and more peaceful.
This is very true. The nice ones need praise. They cannot take criticism and you will hear them get defensive (or shut down) if you have a problem with them of any kind. They can't say no to people outside the family and you will be the one that comes in last place. Also people who need constant praise have low self worth. They may initially put you on a pedestal to acquire validation and access to you, but it will flip and do a 180° as soon as they think they have you locked down or see you getting attached to them. But usually they will show signs of not being able to take criticism early on. It's usually that you don't see the red flags. You might not express the same enthusiasm for music they like and they might take it personally. Stuff like that. You'll notice that if any friend of yours expresses way more of that kind of artificial praise and enthusiasm they'll gravitate towards them more. The red flags are there but if you ignore them it will eventually come to a head. All the frustration they feel from being "nice" will eventually be taken out on their partner either by fighting or cheating.
This is sooooo true. Lived in Korea for a few years and made Korean friends and obviously friends in the expat community who married Korean guys. Everything you’ve said here rings true in what I’ve seen for both Korean and foreigners in relationships with Koreans
Recently started my journey of not being a chronic people pleaser because I wanted to always be perceived as a “selfless, nice” person and I was obsessed with people’s perception of me. Even if this video is mainly about couples, a lot of the things you spoke about reminded me that I need to just be true to my self, set boundaries, and even let go of friends, even if it’s looked at as “bad” to others. And to me, striving to only be “nice” does not make you a nice person.
That is wonderful! I’ve been on the journey for 15 years or so, and it has gotten much easier! I find the people who come into my life are more kind and grounded, too. I’m still learning, but the progress is worth all the discomfort and uncertainty along the way ❤
I had to teach my 60 year old black mother this with her 80 year old mother. When I set boundaries with the my mother early on, she called me mean and disrespectful, now she understands.
I relate to this some too as a white Canadian female since I was raised by a narc mother and a sexually abusive "father." You learn to just be perfectionistic and follow all the rules but you basically set yourself up for misery and eventually hate yourself and wait for the day you snap. You'll either wanna "tap out" or fight back [stop abandoning yourself, stand up for yourself, set healthy boundaries, cut out toxic relationships (family or otherwise), learn to reparent yourself in a healthy way, get counseling, etc....] I've been in counseling and left my family 6 months ago. It's been getting a lot better already although not easy. I've even had to stay away from other people attached to my toxic family members too because they are a lability now too. I believe my inner child is proud of me for standing up for myself, pouring into myself, healing, seeking counseling, and setting up healthy boundaries. I believe I'm setting a positive example for others too. Sending love and healing to those suffering through this sort of thing. 😔🙏❤🩹
This happened to me, but I was the nice one. After I got married is when I realized how bad that was for me and my own marriage. After a few years I was able to identify that I had to put boundaries and now my marriage is better and I’m better. My mother is still having trouble but I found peace on putting myself first. Now I realize how actually happy I can be.
It's nice to hear someone being real about this. I've broken up with a lot of people pleasers and i always get flack for it but it's problematic on so many levels 😢 thanks Megan. I feel seen 🥰
I'm a half-Korean recovering "nice girl"... it's a rough life, and I'm staying single so I don't ruin anybody's life. Lol. I should add... while I'm healing/recovering. I still have hope for my future, 100%.
Former nice girl people pleaser here. There is light on the other side. I stopped being Ms. Nice girl/people pleaser as a young girl in middle school… at least with those outside my family. My mom encouraged me to stand up for myself and say no. To set boundaries and not let myself be walked on. I realized I can be a nice person and still say no and set boundaries. Stopping being a people pleaser with my family was harder. I cut off my mother’s family when I was 32. I stopped taking my father’s abuse When I was 46. I’m much happier now and peaceful. I’m not afraid of being disliked anymore. I speak my mind and just let it be. Know that if you are in the right. You’re not being unfair or unreasonable it doesn’t matter what someone else says or thinks. People are who they are. They feel how they feel and think how they think. You can’t change that so why make yourself miserable trying to. You have to take care of yourself and be happy and healthy first before you can think about others. Never set yourself on fire just to keep someone else warm. Much love to you from Michigan ❤
You can stay single if it feels right for you but don’t do it if it is hurting you 😇 We are all broken in this or other way. We just have to keep growing
I heard a marriage counseling Pastor say “half a woman and half a man makes half a marriage”. “A whole woman and a whole man makes a whole marriage”. It’s good to take time to work on yourself first.
This is honestly ground breaking for so many countries as well as Korea. Including the US. The reasons might differ, but the issues as a result of the situations remain the same.
I hope foreigners who wanna get married to a korean person or wanna live here stumble onto your channel. Good content, thanks and long life to your couple, kiss to your mother in law! 😄
I would describe myself as “nice,” with both the good and bad qualities that word evokes. I’m grateful to have gotten better at avoiding people pleasing and enmeshment with others as I’ve aged. My husband helped me with that. He is kind but not what I would call “nice.” He is not rude, just assertive, direct, and honest. I feel bad that he got dragged into my unhealthy interactions with others over the years, but his “WTF?!” reaction to them helped me see how skewed my own perception was. I have good friends that helped in the same way.
My family is East European and the parenting method of choice was/is authoritarian. It’s definitely placed more so on women (but I’ve heard it’s kind of reversed in SK?), especially for my Mom’s generation. Feminism in the 80s-00s was so hell bent on a Mom being the family caretaker, the nurse for aging family members, a full time career woman, a hands on mother, and a dutiful wife… it just burnt out my Mom, like many others. It’s only as a young adult that I really recognized how little she actually cares for herself but demands all her strength to people who take advantage of her. She doesn’t schedule doctor appointments for herself, she works until a limb will break or she physically has to be walked to bed, and won’t let her body recover. It’s always the same excuse “I can’t take care of myself, because there won’t be time for -“ 😞 My parents get so angry at me for not “contributing to the family” but simultaneously want me to have enough money to pay rent for an apartment and have a car etc… Those two expectations are completely contradictory to each other. I can’t have money or save it if I’m giving them the majority of what I get, like I’ll never be able to leave. That’s what I think they truly want, for the money and labor at least, they just don’t want to have to say the words out loud.
You’re mom sounds exactly like my mom. She’s Korean. I’m 40. She’s 68 and still works even though her body is falling apart. Does everything for everyone. It saddens me. I’ve been trapped and only recently realized I’m in a co-dependent relationship and she’s so unhappy in her marriage she’s relied on me for her happiness… im gay land my mom and I are really close.. she’s been so ado accepting of me and so I stayed in a small town, ignoring my dreams and happiness to make her happy bc she was in a way the best mom I could have asked for... but the truth is… My life sucks. My mom sacrificed so much in life for me and my siblings, and my siblings long moved on to their own lives… I feel too guilty to just leave her by herself bc my dad doesn’t take care of her well and she doesn’t take care of herself. I don’t know what to do. It’s like I’ve sacrifices my life bc she did that for me… but she’s the parent. I didn’t ask to be born. Sorry for trauma dumping. I just needed to say this out loud. It’s the first time I’ve really ever said anything.
People tend to think that being a good son or a people pleaser translates into being a good hubby, so they encourage it. So much for the real life deal though😅 Thx for the video!
Being kind, doing what’s morally right, treating others with common respect, and knowing the boundaries to not be taken advantage is a better way to live life than someone that is not kind, doesn’t care to act on what’s morally right, thinks of themselves even at the expense of others, and doesn’t worry about boundaries as they default to not help others. They are the ones actively trying to take advantage of others. It’s unreasonable to say that being kind is a worse way to go about life than being unkind/self thinking. You can be kind and self preserving at the same time, and you can be unkind and self preserving, it’s better to be kind. It’s true being kind can lead to being taken advantage of at a young age, as young people are easily manipulated and unsure of themselves and lack confidence. But generally kind people grow up to learn the boundaries to not be taken advantage of. If they never learn and accept to have a conceding personality, then your argument is true. But in my opinion, being unkind/self thinking is a bigger problem that’ll lead to more unhappy marriages. Isn’t that a reasonable rational. To live the perfect life, you need to have good values, be kind to others and kind to yourself, learn to have those boundaries to not be taken advantage of. That is the way to live life rather than being a generally self thinking person. 😏
This really gave me an explanation to give my kids about the goods and bad of human selfishness and it’s not even something I thought to cover! But it is so important!
I learned this the hard way when I first came to Korea. The worst are two faced nice to everyone but behind closed doors are another face. 🙅🏼♀️🙅🏼♀️🙅🏼♀️ luckily I caught on very quickly and saved myself from that relationship
Spot-on analysis Megan. People pleasing, unfortunately, is not really an expression of love but rather of fear-- of being abandoned, of being unlovable, of not being good enough... And relationships that are predicated on fear cannot thrive.
Facts in my family, I was doing things for my siblings and being extremely nice to my siblings but these folks were really messing around with me especially my brother’s wife until I had to switch it up and they were shook!😂😂. They started saying they didn’t know I was this mean. But guess what? I don’t care cause I feel more sane and uncontrolled being the way I am now!😩🙏🏾😩.
To add a dimension, they aren’t just scared of offending others, they are are afraid of being judged by others who are offended. It’s rooted in how they want to be perceived more, they want to be seen as a good person more than anything else in the world, it’s more important to them than actually being good person. To be an actual good person it means having to occasionally have conflict or to have set boundaries or relaying uncomfortable feedback to loved ones--that’s the only way to have healthy relationships and so therefore it’s what is actually good. For people pleasers they will take the low hanging fruit of conflict avoidance, which is really to protect their own egos, over doing the sometimes hard work of building a truly healthy relationship.
The part of parents feeling betrayed after their children built a new family is rather interesting to me because in my religion, once a man got married his wife and children comes first before his parents. People who don't balance this or prioritise their parents to the point of neglecting their new family that they're now solely responsible for often get criticized by society.
It's better to be respected than to be considered nice, because sometimes to give yourself space to be a kind person you have to establish boundaries which may be uncomfortable for everyone else.
I wish I could smash the like button 17 times... this doesn't just go for Korea... Americans in tight-knit subcultures like "church-life" or "activist-life" ....almost every young person probably needs to hear this and I Hope you Saved it in a playlist of some sort... like "adulting and relationships" or something ...you made so many points in this video, This video was fire. It looks like you put a lot of work into it as well. Awesome job! thank you so much
A few months ago, I heard someone say, "It’s great to put others before yourself, but not instead of yourself." I believe your analysis of the balance between self-care and caring for others is incredibly insightful and rooted in self-awareness and active listening to your own needs. This perspective is especially important for understanding the struggles of people-pleasers. They often neglect their own boundaries, which can lead to personal dissatisfaction and strain in relationships. Their constant sacrifices for others may result in a lack of reciprocation, leaving them feeling isolated and frustrated despite receiving praise or validation. On the other hand, my sister is the complete opposite of a people-pleaser. Growing up with that type of personality is challenging too, and because she faces so many difficulties in the outside world, my siblings and I had to learn to be very tolerant and patient. Often, this bordered on sacrificing our own well-being just to keep the peace. It took me time to accept that, despite the learned family dynamic and the desire to accommodate more than usual because of our bond, I really needed to strengthen my boundaries. I realized over time that things weren’t improving, and maintaining those boundaries became so essential. She prioritizes her own interests to such an extent that she seems genuinely unaware of how this impacts others. Both extremes-over-sacrificing for others and an absolute focus on oneself-create significant challenges. People-pleasers might face solitude despite their efforts to please everyone, while self-centered individuals may find themselves isolated due to a lack of connection and empathy. Ultimately, finding and maintaining a healthy balance is an ongoing effort that requires self-awareness and daily commitment. Thanks for another great video! :)
This hits so close to home for me. And I would like to add that this doesn't just applies to men, women too make bad partners if they can't set boundaries. My sister and her husband are both "nice people", which has become a headache for me. They live with his family mother, brother and recently SIL. He earns like 5x his brother's salary and pays for literally everything in the house, including the laptop his brother bought for "work". His brother used to pay for groceries but once he got married he stopped that too(both him and his wife earn bdw). My sis is a SAHM, she does all the chores while the SIL does nothing most of the time, even on weekends. Everytime my sister is like I won't cook let SIL look, the MIL starts acting like "I have to cook myself, if want food in this house"(she rarely does since my sis married into the family), then my sis' husband(I do not want to be related tot his guy) starts putting pressure on my sis and she eventually bends. This happens for every little thing when my sis tries to lessen her load. This affects our family as an extension, everytime my mom starts talking about how my sis is "suffering", I shut her down, Its been almost a decade since they got married, if she can't stand up for herself, I don't want to hear it. It mentally f$$ks with me so much, just writing this is getting me angry. Even if my mom is ill, we can't expectany help from her. She had to do all the chores there, come here and go back before her kids get home bc she knows no one will care for them. Her kids have no respect for their mom bc no one in the family respects her.
This is in fact really sad. She doesn't want to offend them or make her stay in the home uncomfortable by setting boundaries. See how you can help her find tools to overcome those limiting beliefs to then have that mindset change. Only then will she stand up for herself boldly despite how the others in that family will feel. All the best to both of you.
Love these videos. Super informative and a gentle reminder of the things that we need to work on to become better people and forge healthier connections.
I'm South African (Cape Coloured) and I find so many similar mindsets and behaviors in my communities. Learning about S.Korea has helped me to appreciate my community and our blended culture so much. Thank you for your pov and deep respect your channel provides.
I think there is more going on. I think the story about the 40-year-old man demonstrates how there is a perception on the part of the people-pleasers that they are incapable or destined to fail if they don't do what they people they feel beholden to say. I suspect the parents are deliberately undermining the (adult) child and putting them down in every way EXCEPT for the ways that directly benefit the parents. It's something that starts in childhood and leaves a massive scar, undermining their confidence in themselves and ability to make the necessary decisions and boundaries they need to in adult life because they feel like without their parents' approval, they won't be able to survive.
Thank you for this! I've transformed myself and my boundaries and attitude, and it was a lot of suffering firey arrows to the face -- alone. I'm proud of that in myself now. I still lack a big % of confidence, though, in my ability to make it alone (because I've worked so hard, tried and failed so many times..) And even though it's not guilt anymore, I'm struggling with giving myself permission to truly have my own life -- I wish people wouldn't mentally throw people 40+ away or talk to us like we're children *sigh* Some of us have proven ourselves in battle, just not the way most would recognize. I'm determined to have a free & living future...
This is true. I'm married to one and it's not Korea. People pleasing can be in any race and culture. Life is difficult because the person does everything for everyone and put you last since they can't have other people think they're selfish.
Back then, I use to do everything what my parents wanted and it got overwhelming for me and finally I started to say NO. I really needed to live my own life. So glad I got out of that environment.
This is so so so true! And I live in America lol. Thank God, my hubs decided to work on his people pleasing behaviors. It was long overdue.This whole video is accurate!
It's hard to even be friends with people like that. I had a friend in college who almost didn't past his own exams because he was helping everyone in our class to finish their tests. He was basically doing things for over 20 people and not doing his stuff. We were class president together, and people knew how he was and used him for it. I had a 3 hour conversation with him about all of this, and he still didn't see it. I then talked with our teacher, and she talked with us and repeated all I said to him. That made him listen, and he got a little better at things like saying no. But it would kill him after, he felt so guilty about it. I basically had to pick him up after. It was brutal. That teached him not to be in a position like that again. But he is still him. I don't think he'll ever completely change that about his personality. I don't see him at all now. I've moved, but we talk sometimes, and he seems the same because he is always exhausted.
i am not korean but this video has helped me view myself and my own culture differently. my culture is also community-oriented, but i've always known that it felt bad to be selfless 100% of the time. from a young age, i was sort of labelled a problem child simply because i would decide to make my own choices rather than constantly follow the advice of others. ONLY in my 8th grade year and freshman year of highschool did i fall into people pleasing because insecurity is very prominent at that age, but i grew out of it and learned even more that selfishness is important. things i wish i knew and that others my age in my culture knew: - if someone is not scared to lose you, they will not respect you. this is not to say you should isolate yourself, but if someone treats you badly, distance yourself and don't even explain it! - overexplaining yourself is the same as telling others, "i am afraid you won't like me or what i do, so i will try to give you reasons to not fulfill that fear". sometimes, being shitty/weird/unlikeable is ok. if people dislike you or judge you, that is something they shoulder, NOT you! - yield only to people who have been consistently reliable and kind to you in the past. LET PEOPLE PROVE THEMSELVES TO YOU! not everyone is worth being buddy-buddy with upon the first meeting. - if someone treats you well but your loved ones badly, do not choose them. their obsession lies with you alone, which means they are fixated on what you OFFER them, NOT on who you are. - choosing to be yourself and choosing yourself (healthily) means your prospects for love and friendship will narrow down. this may feel or sound bad because now you won't get along with as many people, but think of it as you catering to a specific crowd that would ACTUALLY appreciate who you are in reality. the more you carve out who you are, the more precise your aim will be when you shoot your shots. if people can feel strongly about disliking you, people will also feel strongly about loving you (polarities SHOULD exist). - there's nothing to prove to anyone. if you feel like being kind, do it! if you feel like doing your own thing, do it! you were born good, and as long as you know that, others will see it too. and if they don't, let them choose that, it's not your problem. - speaking of problems, sometimes letting people struggle to figure out their own problems is THE pinnacle of kindness. it allows them to figure out who they are, and genuinely make and learn from their own mistakes (give others autonomy). if you're solving other people's problems all the time, you're not letting other people grow on their own, and this will hinder them from ever achieving their goals. - you DO NOT need to fight others to be treated right or to get what you know you deserve. fighting is the same as overexplaining- you are scared that you do not have what you want/deserve, so you want to reason with others why you SHOULD have said things. distance is important and way less stressful. believe me, i have FOUGHT! - respect yourself enough to not tell anyone why you are who you are. just be. sometimes clairifying to others why you do certain things is ok if you may have hurt their feelings, but otherwise it's pointless. you are who you are the same way the sky is blue- just let it be and don't point out what is seemingly obvious to you. for example, i don't usually tell people i'm nonbinary and bi aroace, but a lot of people end up being comfortable enough to come out me just cuz i give off "the vibe". and at the same time i don't have people giving me shit bc i wouldn't tell anyone who wouldn't respect me anyway. - ignore people. yes, ignore them. it relates to the first tip, but it's also just because ignorance is bliss. "not my circus, not my monkeys" will SAVE your life. if a problem was meant to be yours to solve, it would be stopping you from living comfortably. if a problem is NOT stopping you from living comfortably, what fucking ever!
Speaking as an Italian, Italians! Esp the previous generation. The demands of my grandmother's generation were out of control and my dad's generation really went thru this. I hope my generation changes things.
In my country, we have a saying for people like that: 'dark at home, a streetlamp outside.' Reflecting on those examples, I can better understand many of my dad's behaviors toward my mom. Just like you mentioned in the video, it's hard to help them because they’ll get angry if you point out what they’re doing wrong.
I am not married but I have people like that in my family. There is a giver and there is a taker. I always giver and didn’t get anything back and always blamed on first. Takers don’t do anything but always get first from you.
Girl, this seems like a universal problem in my opinion. I quickly discovered that people don't like being challenged or having their views challenged, hence I've been referred to as rude by family members simply because I started setting my boundaries quite early. I can be kind but I recognise bullshit from a mile off and call people out on it. Of course, it hasn't always been like this but I'm a mother now, I can't afford for my daugher to grow up being a doormat. I've become even more stern now than before she was born, although I started recognising how my parents are people-pleasers and that I didn't want to be like them quite early. I've enjoyed more peace from cutting out toxic friends and family members than any other time in my life. Of course, it's sad how a lot of these relationships ended but it was necessary.
This is so accurate. I was in a relationship for 15 yrs with this type of person (they are American) and I just couldn't understand why I always felt like I came second, especially during difficult situations. And they were so "nice" so how could I blame them. I notice this "niceness" in Korean men in general as well. Megan's right, stay away!
Not for all, but for some "people pleasers", they were or felt like there were or were told that they were one of the wrong people that didn't deserve to be pleased. So it becomes easier to look at someone who seems like they don't deserve anything and say, "that's the exact person who deserves more". Many "overly nice" people are that way because they were treated in a way that might justify them turning toxic- but instead they transform it into servitude. Not serving you is saying that you clearly aren't suffering or in need relative to others. If he makes you the recipient, it's because he/she/they think(s) you're needy
I’m not Korean, but I am part of a more conservative environment in America, and I am also more people pleaser-y. I don’t need compliments necessarily, more I feel very hurt when others feel wronged or unhappy with me. It is something I am working on changing my perspective on. It’s difficult, but I’m glad you brought up this issue from an outside and gentle perspective. One day I want to be a good spouse; that will add to my efforts to have a better more healthy perspective.
Basically, try and avoid people who built their sense of self solely around extrinsic values rather than intrinsic ones. Extrinsic = depended on outside factors than your self like recognision (you need other people for compliments, fame, follows, likes, status) power (again, you need other people to give you power) wealth (and again, wealth can be given/taken by other people and is always relative to those around you) Intrinsic= value within you that cannot be controlled by anyone but you. (i am kind, i am curious, i am happy) For example „owning a house“. If someone is more extrinsically focused, they say „I am successful because I own a house“. So the house is part of their of who they are. Someone intrinsically focused would say „I am successful because I am hard-working, endurant and curageous. This led me to be able to buy a house.“ In both scenarios, the person has a house. But in one, the house is part of their identity and self-worth. losing it would mean failure as a person. In the other, the house is just a by-product of who they are and the skill they possess. Even If they lose the house, the skill won’t vanish and they can get one again. People with intrinsic values are therefore less swayed by other people‘s opinion and actions, and more likely to stay with their partner. They are their own happiness.
This is such a good video! Also, random, but the picture you showed about going to college is a pic of my undergrad college and it completely threw me off because I wasn’t expecting to see that in a video from someone who lives in Korea! Worlds colliding!!
I married a Nigerian with this problem. It was hard to end the relationship because he seems very nice, but he came with BIG ISSUES. One of them being his family.
Thank you for sharing this video. Quite honestly I check a lot of those boxes of being a “nice person” and I’m actively trying to unlearn them and live for myself. It’s a long journey but I’m trying my best. Im actually planning to move to Korea soon so I feel less burdened to please everyone in my life and just be on my own for a while. ❤
Thank you so much Megan , I hope you make more videos where you talk about social experiences because I honestly enjoy watching you talk and benefit from your ideas . I'm not Korean, but the ideas and issues I find in my culture as well.
I look at it like this; when you get married your immediate family, your mom and dad etc., become your extended family. Your spouse is now your immediate family. Your extended family is still important but your immediate family comes first. I'm a single mom and my child will always be the most important person in my life. When he gets married his spouse will be the most important in his life. It doesnt mean that he'll care about me less it just means he has different priorities and his marital relationship comes before every other relationship. I feel like that's how it should be.
You can’t let the family you came from ruin the family you’re building. By getting married your partner and future children are your primary family members and everyone else is extended family.
My grandmother used to say that if you notice a small flaw in the beginning, it usually only escalates and worsens after marriage and this tiny thing later becomes a giant issue. She advised me to not only choose someone based on similarities and good traits, but also based on their flaws and she was right! It's easy to pick when you're deciding solely based off of good traits while ignoring or downplaying any flaws.
What a wise lady! I totally agree.
Somewhere along the way, I heard flaws referred to as the “price of admission.” Like, are you able to tolerate the flaws and what they will “cost” you to enter a close relationship with the person.
It sounds transactional, and of course humans are nuanced and complex, and so are relationships. But it is a good reminder that someone’s bad traits do end up extracting something from those around them.
Of course, their good qualities contribute positively to the people around them. But the “currency” is not always the same.
@@elusivemayfly7534 That's exactly what she was referring to as there's always a price to pay, but we can choose what we can and can't afford. Some people can handle a more jealous partner better than others and the same applies to any negative trait such as frugality although there's a thin line between frugality and stinginess, politeness and hypocrisy, compliment and irony. Unfortunately, as with everything in life the universal currency is energy regardless of the form it takes.
@ Well said!!
What a wise soul.. I wish I could have had that advice when I was younger.. I learned the lesson though.. 😢
@@cristina14k Thanks to her, I'm still single 😄(by choice) especially, since my parents were the worst example. I hope you're doing great now though! I once read a quote, smart people learn from their mistakes while the wise learn from other's mistakes. The secret is to wait for them to make those mistakes first. The important thing is that we learn, develop and avoid repeating any negative patterns. Sometimes, we have to get close enough to the fire to understand that it burns. All of us learn differently and that's okay.
You're describing my mom. People always talk about how nice she is, but she doesn't take care of herself and was very neglectful towards my siblings, and I when we were younger. She comes home and brags about all the nice things people say about her. We just roll our eyes because she is a nightmare to live with. She will give a stranger her last and won't care if she and her household starves.
I wonder what the psychology behind this is?
@specificallysallie7481 Savior complex
Isn't that a form of narcissism? 😢
That's my mom. I once won a lawsuit, (received a small amount) and told my mother that once it came in I'd give her $500.00, before it came in she began hounding me everyday with calls for the money. I asked her to wait and she said that she couldn't and that she needed her money, Yes all of a sudden my money became hers. I went into savings and gave her the money. A few days later her sister my aunt called me up laughing, that my mom had given her the money! She didn't need she just wanted it. I confronted my mom and she didn't care. People like this never learn. I keep my distance.
@@claireconolly8355yes it is a form of narcissism
People pleasers are exhausting to be around, and it is exhausting to be a people pleaser.
Embrace honesty and boundaries.
Hey Megan, there’s this concept called “self-erasure” that I came across when looking at my own people pleasing. It’s like you become so focused outwardly on other people’s expectations and needs that you without knowing it “erase” yourself (your likes, dislikes, opinions, goals, desires in life etc) to the point that you don’t know who you are or what you want anymore. It sounds like this is what you are describing in the video. That’s why when you ask a people pleaser where they want to eat dinner they genuinely don’t know how to answer..
Yeah. It seems so sad :( and so hard to live that way
Yes! This comment is so on point. As a recovered people pleaser, self-erasure and self-betrayal was the worst. It takes a lot of inner work to move away from this (self) harmful behavior. People pleasers generally don’t feel safe making any type of decisions because there was likely a consequence to making a wrong decision. So to appease, you don’t think for yourself or make decisions on your own. Most people pleasing adults are stuck in that place because it’s not just about people pleasing or being nice, it’s about survival.
Sometimes parent's expectations for their children is so selfish and damaging. My mom was incredibly angry at me when I moved out at 18 because she wanted me to contribute to their rent, but I knew if I stayed I would stay stuck there and I'm not about to stay stuck with mom until 40! That niceness has happened to me before I used to spend my entire days helping acquaintances, neighbors, family, family friends etc. because with whatever they needed, it was incredibly stressful but when I finally stopped saying yes they all disappeared and I'm much happier now spending my time doing things I enjoy without the burden of having to keep doing favors for others.
years off my life "helping" others aka neglecting my needs
Oh wow. Yeah unfortunately there are some like that. I’m glad that you were able to move out and live your life ❤❤❤
@@justPisfinethanksunderstood. Also the people around you weren’t your real friends it seems as they left once the help stopped. :( that’s so sad :(
Going through a similar experience now at 23. Although I've been out of the house since 18, I was still heading home often from university and giving my all for those around me. If I learned anything, people pleasers are great at attracting self-centered individuals. We were raised to be told taking care of yourself is selfish, but if you don't pour into yourself, how will you have the energy for those deserving of your time and love? Keep protecting yourself and your boundaries
Yes the moment you stop doing for others anf saying Im sorry , I cant, people start talking badly about you. Theyll say you have changed ect.
Boundaries! No matter what the culture, you can be a good person and treat people well, but there has to be some boundaries, otherwise your life is going to be suffering.
It is not that easy to set boundaries in Korean society. There are certain rules you are expected to follow. Being nice to elders is one of them. It is not always good to just be nice for your mental health.
This is harder to do in a collectivist society compared to an individualistic society!
It’s easier to set boundaries in an individualist society as everyone lives for self and setting boundaries is applauded!
In a collectivist society, everyone acts for the betterment of the group and once you move outside of the perimeters of the group, you are shunned and seen differently!
@@niratomas579 you just have to stop being liked by everyone simple 😅 let people hate you.
As a recovering people pleaser myself, it’s so important to remember the difference between nice and kind. The definition of nice includes agreeableness where the definition of kindness does not. As a Christian, I believe that’s why kindness is a fruit of the spirit and not niceness. If you are too agreeable, you are going to be run over and taken advantage of.
I know exactly what you mean! My husband's family took advantage of my generosity and turned on me when it went south and I started to say "no" to his family at every opportunity they wanted something from me. To this day, they don't ask anymore.
People take advantage of others using niceness too. It's not true kindness but politics. Not everyone expects something in return but some do.
@olive4naito i don't expect anything in return.
Yes. I learned this after doing some inner work years ago. God actually led me to look up the definition of nice vs kind. And I got the revelation of what you just said. Also, Matthew 10:16 helped me.
Also (coming from a recovering people pleaser as well 😭) being nice has an aspect of performing/ maintaining an image
Whilst kindness is about being genuine and true to one’s identity
I’m not Asian but have dated several Asian guys who all tend to be nice guys. The very first one traumatized the absolute shit out of me because of their people pleasing.
I think one of the worst parts of people pleasers/nice guys is that they inevitably do cruel and calculated bad behavior out of resentment and covert contracts, and they end up always having perfect excuses or justifications *because* they’ve been “nice.”
You cant blame them. This is how us men have been socially conditioned by the media for decades and partly from women as well saying they want nice guys. The reality is what women say they want and what they do incongruent. They hate nice guys bc they dont feel safe around this type of man. A man that can set boundaries say no and stand up to her is a man that a woman can respect and love. Without respect a woman is not capable to love a man. A woman can only love a man when she looks up to him. A love from woman to man is similar to how a daughter looks up to her loving father.(not in weird way)
@@davidpark2509 What you said is in a weird way. I admire my spouse and not in a father way but an actual life partner way. You can trust that they can lean on you during hard times and that you can lean on them. You're supposed to be a team.
@@davidpark2509What you're saying is true, however I will still lay blame on them, just the same way men blame women for becoming crazy liberals. Some accountability needs to be taken. At some point an honest person will recognize what they've been doing isn't working and reflect on that. It's the people that can't or won't look at their own behavior in any situation that are a problem.
@@davidpark2509women ?? JAJKSKS talking as like woman have any power in media
@@davidpark2509ultimately we all are responsible for how we act. I don’t blame my parents, society, or the opposite gender for my behavior. I am in control over me because I choose integrity and accountability. I don’t trust anyone that uses others as a justification for their actions.
So basically people pleasers, anyone who disregard their own needs and “sacrifices” their happiness for their parents, kids, society will never be happy internally until they establish boundaries & do things for themselves for their own fulfillment. That built up resentment from not having their needs met and always sacrificing will always come out in the form of passive aggression, constant complaining/nitpicking, and entitlement. HONORING AND COMMUNICATING YOUR NEEDS AND BOUNDARIES IS KEY.
NOW dont get this mistaken… you definitely want to be with someone who is genuinely kind, who is considerate, appreciates you for you and enjoys helping out & being there for you. When it come from a healthy place (meaning they honor their OWN needs and boundaries and others) this is THE best and most loving partner you’ll ever come across.
💯 to everything you've written. I've seen a lot of people-pleasing end up in passive aggression and it's not cute.
Yes, Nice vs Kind.
I'm Korean American and I was never allowed to have boundaries growing up. It was so difficult to have boundaries my entire life and my 20's was spent learning that with people who just took and took from me. After having children, I really have no extra to give, and my girls deserve the best mom. I don't want to set that example for them. I stand my ground with boundaries with people more and more, and I have conversations with the girls about boundaries as well. You do not need to keep toxic people in your life. No one is owed or entitled to your energy and time. When it comes to my Korean mom, it's extremely difficult. I understand her as a woman but as her child, it's incredibly difficult. I am good to her but I am Korean American, not Korean. I do not give her regular 용돈 ($$$) but I have given her large sums even though I was rarely cared for on my birthdays. She expects gifts from me but not from my brother or even my dad. My mom is furious with us moving away to another state but my parents didn't visit us much when we lived 7 minutes away (they expected us to drive to them). She would complain about watching our kids even though she had us move 6.5 hours to her. It has never been easy with her and she's the one I still have so much difficulty with in terms of boundaries. She's gotten better but went backwards after getting hit by a car and breaking nearly every bone in her body. To some, your videos is simply entertaining but for us who actually has to live through it, it's really difficult.
Korean culture is raw though. There's difficult aspects but some aspects are so great as well. I don't want to paint a negative picture all the way. I do appreciate many parts of it as well.
What does your brother think about y’all’s boundaries with your parents? And hope your mom is doing better after that car accident. I still remember the reaction after my grandma passed at around mid 60s on my mom’s side, my mom took it pretty badly for a long while
What you described about your mom is exactly like what I have experienced with MIL. I understand the frustration and pain to endure because younger generations are expected to endure. I don’t have hopes. That is the reason I wouldn’t be ecstatic if my daughter brings a Korean guy.
@mhypark For some reason this reminded me of Crying in H Mart. It's a great book that describes the complexities of mother-daughter relationships. If you haven't read it, I recommend it.
For me, it’s more so about avoiding conflict and arguments. And I believe that’s from a combo of groomed to be a people pleaser AND bullying from a parent & the favorite child. I realized I have a hard time saying no due to the fear of creating an argument. I ask my therapist all the time how can I get my word across without arguing and being a bully bc it’s a behavioral pattern learned from caretaker. I’m still working on how to speak up and create healthy boundaries without causing tension or losing a friend.
I think that’s the surface level fear involved with people pleasing though. But much deeper than that, there’s a fear of experiencing the psychological and physiological symptoms of fear- chest pain, lightheadedness, shortness of breath, etc which comes from not feeling good enough, being a burden, or having a low opinion of yourself.
It’s all internal and hence it’s self centered because it’s actually less concerned about the conflict at hand or the other person and more about not wanting to feel uncomfortable. You’re putting your emotional safety over the authentic lives or relationships with other people- hence the “selfishness” of people pleasing.
sometimes an argument cant be avoided
I think alot of us struggle with that, I know I do! I had good parents but they were very assertive and dominant, and I was a really sensitive child with not alot of assertiveness. I do believe that assertiveness can be learned though, and it is possible to have boundaries that are unflinching and firm, without creating a terrible argument. Just think, you can only create a two-way argument if you participate in it. Instead, I've learned to just say no when I need to, and end of story. If there is a situation you want to make a compromise on, you can, but if not then don't. If they'd like to fight with me fine, but I won't be participating in a conflict, and eventually they will just deflate anyway and the conflict will be over. It's uncomfortable, for sure, but you get better the more you practice it. I have had to try doing it online first for practice, then in person the more practice you get at it. It's a work in progress for sure! I know for me, people pleasing is born out of a fear of "not being good enough" for my parents, and it often starts really early in kids lives.
Sometimes after an argument, a healthier relationship is formed and sometimes you have to be willing to lose friends, some friends need to be let go.
I agree, nice people who have no boundaries will not be able to protect their loved ones. My family is Chinese, but my parents fit the description perfectly. They are like kids constantly asking for praise. They didn't realize they had kids themselves and even threw us under the bus for the praise of people who disliked us. It took us kids a big part of our adult life to recover, but we are now setting boundaries and protecting our loved ones.
Trust me you don't want my parents either. There are extremes to this. They are anything but nice and have ruined my life. They weren't physically abusive but mentally abusive. Asswholes who don't have boundaries as well are almost worse.
Oh this feels too much ❤️🩹 Hope all is well now 🫶
It’s so funny because its something that I’ve noticed while living here in South Korea. I’ve noticed there is a lot of politeness and niceness but I don’t see a lot of acts of kindness. I actually see more acts of kindness when I go back to London which is more of an individualistic society. But there is always variations with different societies. I have a family member who appears to be kind but actually does it to appear a certain way so they can monitor what other people in the family are doing and actually bad mouths family members behind their back. It’s quite manipulative. But they are slowly being exposed.
This!! That's why I always say I prefer a kind man over a nice man any day!
I was in seoul just for 3 days and took the subway to meet friends. There were some red seats who were 'reserved' i guess and an elder woman came in and there was no place to sit. Nobody offered the seat and my ass thinking 'isn't anyone offering seat to ahjuma' then i stood up and offered. She declined with a smile.
Megan - you are 100% SPOT ON with all of this. My last relationship was with a Korean man (and we are not even based in Korea) and everything you described was exactly why we fell apart. I feel so seen and understood. Thank you so much for making this video. ❤ Merry Christmas!
You can blame the social conditioning by the media and movies on how men are supposed to chase women and treat women nicely to win over her love. All of this is not based in reality and don't show true female nature. Even women perpetuate this nonsense by saying that they want a nice guy. Their words may say this but their actions prove they don't. A man needs to lead and set boundaries and learn to say no to women when they're getting out of line. Never ever be a pushover to a woman. woman has to look up to a man to love and respect him. Period.
I’m not Korean but I feel like you are talking about me. I gotta fix up. I’ll say though. It’s extremely hard to break out of this…been working on breaking this cycle this year. Therapy was great for me to have a place where I could be ugly (and ugly being just saying things that aren’t harmful but what I felt other people would hate about me) and doing little things to prove to myself that if I prioritize myself, I will be loved regardless, or hated, but I will not die haha. If you have this problem I recommend making small changes like, saying no to someone you usually say yes by visualizing them rejecting you etc. Now I’m vegetarian, and being vegetarian I’m able to ask people to consider me, etc. Or seeing people dislike you, and use that to push yourself to make even more people dislike you….by being yourself. The urge and voice to people please is very strong but you have to fight it. Kind of sad lol but it’s a process. As kids when you’re raised with this upbringing you feel if you don’t act properly you will literally die but we have to learn we are adults and will not die even if people dislike you 😜
Oh no. I’m sorry to hear you struggle with this. But I’m glad you are working on it and are taking care of yourself more and more ❤❤
I also felt a little bit like oh no that's me haha, but it is a problem I know I have and have been getting a lot better about over the past few years. Specifically I'm an overworker and those demands on myself I do sometimes subconsciously apply to other people, especially family (so I could for sure see myself doing it to a spouse).
Thank you for this video! I felt some light bulbs going off while you were talking. This explains so much about my last few relationships! Guys doing things so they can be the "nice guy", but then not knowing what to do when it interferes with the relationship and makes you mad. Also the problem when you are with this "nice guy" and the mask comes off, cause he's had a hard day...and no one believes you because he's nice to everyone but you! 😭
Yes~~ I’ve heard about that. When the nice guy mask comes off at home. It’s very hard to deal with
This was so insightful Megan and not only for spouses from Korea but spoke in general thank very much
My Mom always wanted to "keep the peace" in the family, which made her sibs walk all over her. When I, as a young teen, admonished them for it (actually, I WENT IN on them, by letter), and they got mad about it, she tried to get me to stop.
My protective nature ended up saving her life. There were people (whom I pretty much ignored) telling me what a "good daughter" I was for the things I did. I ignored them bc I didn't care about anyone's praise, I just wanted my mom to have the best possible quality of life...but I still worked full-time and played in a working band.
As long as my (very independent) Mom never suffered, I was cool. My religion teaches that you don't do things for praise, and you don't brag abt it, which is also cool.
When my parents were alive, I never mentioned these things. However, I lived the life *I* wanted to live, by my rules. I WAS a "good daughter" but, outside of that, I was still my own person.
Bottom line, a people pleaser can raise a child who isn't one...but only if the parents raise their offspring to be an Independent Thinker.
There's hope...but it's not an easy ride.
Yeah! Thanks for sharing. Usually kids go opposite of the parents. If your mom was a people pleaser you recognized that she needed help and became a protector of sorts. It’s good that you are your own person but also help others. I think you found the right balance~ I bet your mom was so grateful for you standing up for her in the end.
I have so much respect and admiration for you! I can't even imagine doing what you did, I hope the rest of your life is much easier and enjoyable.
First video of yours I ever watched, and I gotta say, thank you. I'm a Korean female who's been stuck between divorcing parents, and it's been a nightmare for nearly 10 years because my mom leeched onto me (more than usual) during the process. I nearly committed suicide this year (still not out of the woods yet), but I feel immensely validated right now hearing that there's similar experiences to mine. I thought I was the lazy and ungrateful one for all these years, and that crushing guilt was THE thing that nearly drove me to suicide, but hearing your words in this video helps me not feel gaslit for the first time in my life. I don't think there's anybody who's actually talking about this sort of thing nowadays (since it's a such distinctly cultural problem), so again, thanks. I knew precisely what the problem in my life was, but it comforts me that I'm not the only one experiencing it and that I'm not utterly crazy. Will check out Kim Chang Wook's video as well.
Will confirm by the way that the "nice" Koreans in society are often not very nice privately. Everyone tells my mom that she's an angel, and she is in many ways, but she was a nightmare to her children. She's amazing as an individual, but as a mother....I felt utterly cannibalized by her.
This was just super insightful overall discussing enmeshed families, lack of boundaries, etc. I think some of these things may need to change to help the falling marriage and birth rates.
I think people are starting to realize it and are moving in the right direction here.
@@MrsMeganMoonoh that’s great to hear!
This is the same problem with Indian men too..............the elders dream for a "nice man" some sort of ideal person who takes care of everything and in the process forgets to LOVE his woman and grow with her...........
So true😂😂
In the process of him doing everything you just exist and consume every bit of value in his life while also expecting him to do the LOVE part of the relationship.
@@dzpol566 Sadly LOVE is only that thing one needs........man or woman in todays world everything else is doable by both.......LOVE is certainly the one and only this you can give......................
Hi Megan, I’m normally silent viewer since your teaching Korean videos and I just want to say I’m so proud of the person you are! It was so courageous for you to move to a foreign country, learn the language and now have your own cute family. I appreciate your insight on topics like this ❤
😍😍😍😍
This is so true!! Ladies please take notes. My father is 100% like this, a very good loyal son to my grandparents but not a very good husband to my mother. He has absolutely no boundaries with his family and always worried about their opinions and approval. Men like this who can’t prioritise their spouse don’t make good husbands. Because ladies, in the event that you end up being with a man and his parents are abusive to you, your man will not protect you, he will not stand up for you. Learn from my mother’s mistake, don’t just be with a man who’s very nice to his family. Make sure he’s got boundaries and that he’s not someone who lets his family take advantage of him.
Very educational. this is not only for Koreans or people who wanted to marry Koreans. this is applicable to all.
You're so smart and articulate. Thanks for making this video, it's so refreshing to see. Makes me happy seeing people being so mature.
I was an overly nice person once upon a time, but not because I wanted praise or recognition but because I was taught that I needed to be this way. That in order to make friends. To be accepted. To be a proper lady…. It only got me bullied and taken advantage of. When I went to my dad in tears about the bullying he told me I wasn’t being nice enough…I needed to be nicer. My mom changed her view point and was like nope! Be nice. Be polite. Be a lady. But set boundaries and know when to put your foot down… or in a persons behind 🦶 🍑 know when to say no and don’t let yourself be disrespected. Things changed drastically 😂 other kids learned real quick don’t mess with Marlinah 😆 I took what my mom said and ran a country mile with it 😁 Family is harder. It’s hard to say no or set boundaries with your elders. It took me a long time. Now at 52 I’ve cut contact with both sides of my family. The toxicity was real. I lost my mom in April of 2020 and my grandmother several months before that. I only talk to my siblings, their children, my children, and my grandchildren. I’m a lot happier now and more peaceful.
This is very true. The nice ones need praise. They cannot take criticism and you will hear them get defensive (or shut down) if you have a problem with them of any kind. They can't say no to people outside the family and you will be the one that comes in last place. Also people who need constant praise have low self worth. They may initially put you on a pedestal to acquire validation and access to you, but it will flip and do a 180° as soon as they think they have you locked down or see you getting attached to them. But usually they will show signs of not being able to take criticism early on. It's usually that you don't see the red flags. You might not express the same enthusiasm for music they like and they might take it personally. Stuff like that. You'll notice that if any friend of yours expresses way more of that kind of artificial praise and enthusiasm they'll gravitate towards them more. The red flags are there but if you ignore them it will eventually come to a head. All the frustration they feel from being "nice" will eventually be taken out on their partner either by fighting or cheating.
I like the video first, then watch it 😂😂 because I know it's gonna be 🔥🔥🔥
❤❤❤❤ yaaay! I appreciate the faith you have in me
It's so true that your spouse will treat you the way they treat themselves!
This is sooooo true. Lived in Korea for a few years and made Korean friends and obviously friends in the expat community who married Korean guys. Everything you’ve said here rings true in what I’ve seen for both Korean and foreigners in relationships with Koreans
Recently started my journey of not being a chronic people pleaser because I wanted to always be perceived as a “selfless, nice” person and I was obsessed with people’s perception of me. Even if this video is mainly about couples, a lot of the things you spoke about reminded me that I need to just be true to my self, set boundaries, and even let go of friends, even if it’s looked at as “bad” to others. And to me, striving to only be “nice” does not make you a nice person.
That is wonderful! I’ve been on the journey for 15 years or so, and it has gotten much easier! I find the people who come into my life are more kind and grounded, too. I’m still learning, but the progress is worth all the discomfort and uncertainty along the way ❤
I feel like you should have more videos like this, it felt like a podcast on marriage and relationships … really nice
I had to teach my 60 year old black mother this with her 80 year old mother. When I set boundaries with the my mother early on, she called me mean and disrespectful, now she understands.
I really enjoy these sit down videos 🩷
❤❤❤❤ thanks for watching and supporting
@ thanks for replying 🥰🩷
You look extra beautiful lately 😍✨🪬
❤❤❤
This is DEEP!! 💎 THANK YOU MEGAN!!! 👏🏾👏🏾
Megan this analysis could apply to so many African cultures. Appreciate you Sis.❤
I relate to this some too as a white Canadian female since I was raised by a narc mother and a sexually abusive "father." You learn to just be perfectionistic and follow all the rules but you basically set yourself up for misery and eventually hate yourself and wait for the day you snap. You'll either wanna "tap out" or fight back [stop abandoning yourself, stand up for yourself, set healthy boundaries, cut out toxic relationships (family or otherwise), learn to reparent yourself in a healthy way, get counseling, etc....] I've been in counseling and left my family 6 months ago. It's been getting a lot better already although not easy. I've even had to stay away from other people attached to my toxic family members too because they are a lability now too. I believe my inner child is proud of me for standing up for myself, pouring into myself, healing, seeking counseling, and setting up healthy boundaries. I believe I'm setting a positive example for others too.
Sending love and healing to those suffering through this sort of thing. 😔🙏❤🩹
🫂🙏🏾
❤️
Happiness to you ❤
Congratulations and God bless you
This happened to me, but I was the nice one. After I got married is when I realized how bad that was for me and my own marriage. After a few years I was able to identify that I had to put boundaries and now my marriage is better and I’m better. My mother is still having trouble but I found peace on putting myself first. Now I realize how actually happy I can be.
It's nice to hear someone being real about this. I've broken up with a lot of people pleasers and i always get flack for it but it's problematic on so many levels 😢 thanks Megan. I feel seen 🥰
I'm a half-Korean recovering "nice girl"... it's a rough life, and I'm staying single so I don't ruin anybody's life. Lol.
I should add... while I'm healing/recovering. I still have hope for my future, 100%.
Former nice girl people pleaser here. There is light on the other side. I stopped being Ms. Nice girl/people pleaser as a young girl in middle school… at least with those outside my family. My mom encouraged me to stand up for myself and say no. To set boundaries and not let myself be walked on. I realized I can be a nice person and still say no and set boundaries. Stopping being a people pleaser with my family was harder. I cut off my mother’s family when I was 32. I stopped taking my father’s abuse When I was 46. I’m much happier now and peaceful. I’m not afraid of being disliked anymore. I speak my mind and just let it be. Know that if you are in the right. You’re not being unfair or unreasonable it doesn’t matter what someone else says or thinks. People are who they are. They feel how they feel and think how they think. You can’t change that so why make yourself miserable trying to. You have to take care of yourself and be happy and healthy first before you can think about others. Never set yourself on fire just to keep someone else warm. Much love to you from Michigan ❤
You can stay single if it feels right for you but don’t do it if it is hurting you 😇 We are all broken in this or other way. We just have to keep growing
Always good to have hope ❤
I heard a marriage counseling Pastor say “half a woman and half a man makes half a marriage”. “A whole woman and a whole man makes a whole marriage”. It’s good to take time to work on yourself first.
This is honestly ground breaking for so many countries as well as Korea. Including the US. The reasons might differ, but the issues as a result of the situations remain the same.
I hope foreigners who wanna get married to a korean person or wanna live here stumble onto your channel. Good content, thanks and long life to your couple, kiss to your mother in law! 😄
I would describe myself as “nice,” with both the good and bad qualities that word evokes. I’m grateful to have gotten better at avoiding people pleasing and enmeshment with others as I’ve aged.
My husband helped me with that. He is kind but not what I would call “nice.” He is not rude, just assertive, direct, and honest. I feel bad that he got dragged into my unhealthy interactions with others over the years, but his “WTF?!” reaction to them helped me see how skewed my own perception was. I have good friends that helped in the same way.
You should watch the kdrama Daily does of sunshine. It covers mental health and common issues you’ve talked about.
You need someone who is nice because of their heart and morals and not because of obligations. Some obligations are really unfair.
That is a person who is kind, not nice.
My family is East European and the parenting method of choice was/is authoritarian. It’s definitely placed more so on women (but I’ve heard it’s kind of reversed in SK?), especially for my Mom’s generation. Feminism in the 80s-00s was so hell bent on a Mom being the family caretaker, the nurse for aging family members, a full time career woman, a hands on mother, and a dutiful wife… it just burnt out my Mom, like many others. It’s only as a young adult that I really recognized how little she actually cares for herself but demands all her strength to people who take advantage of her. She doesn’t schedule doctor appointments for herself, she works until a limb will break or she physically has to be walked to bed, and won’t let her body recover. It’s always the same excuse “I can’t take care of myself, because there won’t be time for -“ 😞
My parents get so angry at me for not “contributing to the family” but simultaneously want me to have enough money to pay rent for an apartment and have a car etc… Those two expectations are completely contradictory to each other. I can’t have money or save it if I’m giving them the majority of what I get, like I’ll never be able to leave. That’s what I think they truly want, for the money and labor at least, they just don’t want to have to say the words out loud.
You’re mom sounds exactly like my mom. She’s Korean. I’m 40. She’s 68 and still works even though her body is falling apart. Does everything for everyone. It saddens me. I’ve been trapped and only recently realized I’m in a co-dependent relationship and she’s so unhappy in her marriage she’s relied on me for her happiness… im gay land my mom and I are really close.. she’s been so ado accepting of me and so I stayed in a small town, ignoring my dreams and happiness to make her happy bc she was in a way the best mom I could have asked for... but the truth is… My life sucks. My mom sacrificed so much in life for me and my siblings, and my siblings long moved on to their own lives… I feel too guilty to just leave her by herself bc my dad doesn’t take care of her well and she doesn’t take care of herself. I don’t know what to do. It’s like I’ve sacrifices my life bc she did that for me… but she’s the parent. I didn’t ask to be born. Sorry for trauma dumping. I just needed to say this out loud. It’s the first time I’ve really ever said anything.
People tend to think that being a good son or a people pleaser translates into being a good hubby, so they encourage it. So much for the real life deal though😅 Thx for the video!
Being kind, doing what’s morally right, treating others with common respect, and knowing the boundaries to not be taken advantage is a better way to live life than someone that is not kind, doesn’t care to act on what’s morally right, thinks of themselves even at the expense of others, and doesn’t worry about boundaries as they default to not help others. They are the ones actively trying to take advantage of others.
It’s unreasonable to say that being kind is a worse way to go about life than being unkind/self thinking. You can be kind and self preserving at the same time, and you can be unkind and self preserving, it’s better to be kind.
It’s true being kind can lead to being taken advantage of at a young age, as young people are easily manipulated and unsure of themselves and lack confidence. But generally kind people grow up to learn the boundaries to not be taken advantage of. If they never learn and accept to have a conceding personality, then your argument is true. But in my opinion, being unkind/self thinking is a bigger problem that’ll lead to more unhappy marriages. Isn’t that a reasonable rational.
To live the perfect life, you need to have good values, be kind to others and kind to yourself, learn to have those boundaries to not be taken advantage of. That is the way to live life rather than being a generally self thinking person. 😏
This really gave me an explanation to give my kids about the goods and bad of human selfishness and it’s not even something I thought to cover! But it is so important!
I learned this the hard way when I first came to Korea. The worst are two faced nice to everyone but behind closed doors are another face. 🙅🏼♀️🙅🏼♀️🙅🏼♀️ luckily I caught on very quickly and saved myself from that relationship
This is really good Megan. You broke it down to the tenth power!
Spot-on analysis Megan. People pleasing, unfortunately, is not really an expression of love but rather of fear-- of being abandoned, of being unlovable, of not being good enough... And relationships that are predicated on fear cannot thrive.
I'm distracted 😂 your hair is so stunning and long 💕
Don’t be fooled. It’s some clip ins
@@MrsMeganMoon I love! 😍 Where did you get them? I suck at doing my hair but I want to try some of these
Not "selfish", just know to say "No" or be taken advantage of continuously.
Facts in my family, I was doing things for my siblings and being extremely nice to my siblings but these folks were really messing around with me especially my brother’s wife until I had to switch it up and they were shook!😂😂.
They started saying they didn’t know I was this mean.
But guess what?
I don’t care cause I feel more sane and uncontrolled being the way I am now!😩🙏🏾😩.
Well some don’t look at it the same way due to cultural expectations and pressures
5 minutes into the video and I am already getting more out of it than a session with a psychotherapist.
Off topic but Megan’s outfits are always so pretty 🤩
TBH I feel like most ppl pleasers just feel scared of offending other ppl so they always try to seem nice and out-going to avoid any conflict
To add a dimension, they aren’t just scared of offending others, they are are afraid of being judged by others who are offended. It’s rooted in how they want to be perceived more, they want to be seen as a good person more than anything else in the world, it’s more important to them than actually being good person. To be an actual good person it means having to occasionally have conflict or to have set boundaries or relaying uncomfortable feedback to loved ones--that’s the only way to have healthy relationships and so therefore it’s what is actually good. For people pleasers they will take the low hanging fruit of conflict avoidance, which is really to protect their own egos, over doing the sometimes hard work of building a truly healthy relationship.
The part of parents feeling betrayed after their children built a new family is rather interesting to me because in my religion, once a man got married his wife and children comes first before his parents. People who don't balance this or prioritise their parents to the point of neglecting their new family that they're now solely responsible for often get criticized by society.
Another tea time with Megan yaaas
It's better to be respected than to be considered nice, because sometimes to give yourself space to be a kind person you have to establish boundaries which may be uncomfortable for everyone else.
I wish I could smash the like button 17 times... this doesn't just go for Korea... Americans in tight-knit subcultures like "church-life" or "activist-life" ....almost every young person probably needs to hear this and I Hope you Saved it in a playlist of some sort... like "adulting and relationships" or something ...you made so many points in this video, This video was fire. It looks like you put a lot of work into it as well. Awesome job! thank you so much
A few months ago, I heard someone say, "It’s great to put others before yourself, but not instead of yourself." I believe your analysis of the balance between self-care and caring for others is incredibly insightful and rooted in self-awareness and active listening to your own needs.
This perspective is especially important for understanding the struggles of people-pleasers. They often neglect their own boundaries, which can lead to personal dissatisfaction and strain in relationships. Their constant sacrifices for others may result in a lack of reciprocation, leaving them feeling isolated and frustrated despite receiving praise or validation.
On the other hand, my sister is the complete opposite of a people-pleaser. Growing up with that type of personality is challenging too, and because she faces so many difficulties in the outside world, my siblings and I had to learn to be very tolerant and patient. Often, this bordered on sacrificing our own well-being just to keep the peace. It took me time to accept that, despite the learned family dynamic and the desire to accommodate more than usual because of our bond, I really needed to strengthen my boundaries. I realized over time that things weren’t improving, and maintaining those boundaries became so essential. She prioritizes her own interests to such an extent that she seems genuinely unaware of how this impacts others.
Both extremes-over-sacrificing for others and an absolute focus on oneself-create significant challenges. People-pleasers might face solitude despite their efforts to please everyone, while self-centered individuals may find themselves isolated due to a lack of connection and empathy.
Ultimately, finding and maintaining a healthy balance is an ongoing effort that requires self-awareness and daily commitment. Thanks for another great video! :)
This hits so close to home for me. And I would like to add that this doesn't just applies to men, women too make bad partners if they can't set boundaries. My sister and her husband are both "nice people", which has become a headache for me. They live with his family mother, brother and recently SIL. He earns like 5x his brother's salary and pays for literally everything in the house, including the laptop his brother bought for "work". His brother used to pay for groceries but once he got married he stopped that too(both him and his wife earn bdw). My sis is a SAHM, she does all the chores while the SIL does nothing most of the time, even on weekends. Everytime my sister is like I won't cook let SIL look, the MIL starts acting like "I have to cook myself, if want food in this house"(she rarely does since my sis married into the family), then my sis' husband(I do not want to be related tot his guy) starts putting pressure on my sis and she eventually bends. This happens for every little thing when my sis tries to lessen her load. This affects our family as an extension, everytime my mom starts talking about how my sis is "suffering", I shut her down, Its been almost a decade since they got married, if she can't stand up for herself, I don't want to hear it. It mentally f$$ks with me so much, just writing this is getting me angry. Even if my mom is ill, we can't expectany help from her. She had to do all the chores there, come here and go back before her kids get home bc she knows no one will care for them. Her kids have no respect for their mom bc no one in the family respects her.
This is in fact really sad. She doesn't want to offend them or make her stay in the home uncomfortable by setting boundaries. See how you can help her find tools to overcome those limiting beliefs to then have that mindset change. Only then will she stand up for herself boldly despite how the others in that family will feel. All the best to both of you.
Love these videos. Super informative and a gentle reminder of the things that we need to work on to become better people and forge healthier connections.
I'm South African (Cape Coloured) and I find so many similar mindsets and behaviors in my communities. Learning about S.Korea has helped me to appreciate my community and our blended culture so much.
Thank you for your pov and deep respect your channel provides.
This is exactly my experience (not married to a Korean but to a different kind of collective-mindset Asian). It is very hard.
I think there is more going on. I think the story about the 40-year-old man demonstrates how there is a perception on the part of the people-pleasers that they are incapable or destined to fail if they don't do what they people they feel beholden to say. I suspect the parents are deliberately undermining the (adult) child and putting them down in every way EXCEPT for the ways that directly benefit the parents. It's something that starts in childhood and leaves a massive scar, undermining their confidence in themselves and ability to make the necessary decisions and boundaries they need to in adult life because they feel like without their parents' approval, they won't be able to survive.
Thank you for this! I've transformed myself and my boundaries and attitude, and it was a lot of suffering firey arrows to the face -- alone. I'm proud of that in myself now. I still lack a big % of confidence, though, in my ability to make it alone (because I've worked so hard, tried and failed so many times..)
And even though it's not guilt anymore, I'm struggling with giving myself permission to truly have my own life -- I wish people wouldn't mentally throw people 40+ away or talk to us like we're children *sigh* Some of us have proven ourselves in battle, just not the way most would recognize. I'm determined to have a free & living future...
I love listening to you talk in depth about these semi-serious interesting topics + i dated many guys like this it was miserable
This is true. I'm married to one and it's not Korea. People pleasing can be in any race and culture. Life is difficult because the person does everything for everyone and put you last since they can't have other people think they're selfish.
Back then, I use to do everything what my parents wanted and it got overwhelming for me and finally I started to say NO. I really needed to live my own life. So glad I got out of that environment.
This is so so so true! And I live in America lol. Thank God, my hubs decided to work on his people pleasing behaviors. It was long overdue.This whole video is accurate!
It's hard to even be friends with people like that. I had a friend in college who almost didn't past his own exams because he was helping everyone in our class to finish their tests. He was basically doing things for over 20 people and not doing his stuff. We were class president together, and people knew how he was and used him for it. I had a 3 hour conversation with him about all of this, and he still didn't see it. I then talked with our teacher, and she talked with us and repeated all I said to him. That made him listen, and he got a little better at things like saying no. But it would kill him after, he felt so guilty about it. I basically had to pick him up after. It was brutal. That teached him not to be in a position like that again. But he is still him. I don't think he'll ever completely change that about his personality. I don't see him at all now. I've moved, but we talk sometimes, and he seems the same because he is always exhausted.
Thank you for the new Korean words! It helps my studies!❤
i am not korean but this video has helped me view myself and my own culture differently. my culture is also community-oriented, but i've always known that it felt bad to be selfless 100% of the time. from a young age, i was sort of labelled a problem child simply because i would decide to make my own choices rather than constantly follow the advice of others. ONLY in my 8th grade year and freshman year of highschool did i fall into people pleasing because insecurity is very prominent at that age, but i grew out of it and learned even more that selfishness is important.
things i wish i knew and that others my age in my culture knew:
- if someone is not scared to lose you, they will not respect you. this is not to say you should isolate yourself, but if someone treats you badly, distance yourself and don't even explain it!
- overexplaining yourself is the same as telling others, "i am afraid you won't like me or what i do, so i will try to give you reasons to not fulfill that fear". sometimes, being shitty/weird/unlikeable is ok. if people dislike you or judge you, that is something they shoulder, NOT you!
- yield only to people who have been consistently reliable and kind to you in the past. LET PEOPLE PROVE THEMSELVES TO YOU! not everyone is worth being buddy-buddy with upon the first meeting.
- if someone treats you well but your loved ones badly, do not choose them. their obsession lies with you alone, which means they are fixated on what you OFFER them, NOT on who you are.
- choosing to be yourself and choosing yourself (healthily) means your prospects for love and friendship will narrow down. this may feel or sound bad because now you won't get along with as many people, but think of it as you catering to a specific crowd that would ACTUALLY appreciate who you are in reality. the more you carve out who you are, the more precise your aim will be when you shoot your shots. if people can feel strongly about disliking you, people will also feel strongly about loving you (polarities SHOULD exist).
- there's nothing to prove to anyone. if you feel like being kind, do it! if you feel like doing your own thing, do it! you were born good, and as long as you know that, others will see it too. and if they don't, let them choose that, it's not your problem.
- speaking of problems, sometimes letting people struggle to figure out their own problems is THE pinnacle of kindness. it allows them to figure out who they are, and genuinely make and learn from their own mistakes (give others autonomy). if you're solving other people's problems all the time, you're not letting other people grow on their own, and this will hinder them from ever achieving their goals.
- you DO NOT need to fight others to be treated right or to get what you know you deserve. fighting is the same as overexplaining- you are scared that you do not have what you want/deserve, so you want to reason with others why you SHOULD have said things. distance is important and way less stressful. believe me, i have FOUGHT!
- respect yourself enough to not tell anyone why you are who you are. just be. sometimes clairifying to others why you do certain things is ok if you may have hurt their feelings, but otherwise it's pointless. you are who you are the same way the sky is blue- just let it be and don't point out what is seemingly obvious to you. for example, i don't usually tell people i'm nonbinary and bi aroace, but a lot of people end up being comfortable enough to come out me just cuz i give off "the vibe". and at the same time i don't have people giving me shit bc i wouldn't tell anyone who wouldn't respect me anyway.
- ignore people. yes, ignore them. it relates to the first tip, but it's also just because ignorance is bliss. "not my circus, not my monkeys" will SAVE your life. if a problem was meant to be yours to solve, it would be stopping you from living comfortably. if a problem is NOT stopping you from living comfortably, what fucking ever!
Korean society needs to hear this. Are there other cultures that need to hear this?????
Speaking as an Italian, Italians! Esp the previous generation. The demands of my grandmother's generation were out of control and my dad's generation really went thru this. I hope my generation changes things.
Absolutely!
Unfortunately it’s Asian culture in general that needs to hear this 😢
Indian society 😂
In my country, we have a saying for people like that: 'dark at home, a streetlamp outside.' Reflecting on those examples, I can better understand many of my dad's behaviors toward my mom. Just like you mentioned in the video, it's hard to help them because they’ll get angry if you point out what they’re doing wrong.
We say ''Joker outside, dungeon at home.
Megan, please make more of these videos! They’re so helpful in so many ways! ❤
What other topics do you want to see?
This was very good
People pleasers make the worse partners. They expect you to deal with the boundary crossing thats done by someone theyre trying to please.
I am not married but I have people like that in my family. There is a giver and there is a taker. I always giver and didn’t get anything back and always blamed on first. Takers don’t do anything but always get first from you.
yo, this was the most triggering and relatable video I've seen about this topic. lulz, thanks for upload!
Girl, this seems like a universal problem in my opinion. I quickly discovered that people don't like being challenged or having their views challenged, hence I've been referred to as rude by family members simply because I started setting my boundaries quite early. I can be kind but I recognise bullshit from a mile off and call people out on it. Of course, it hasn't always been like this but I'm a mother now, I can't afford for my daugher to grow up being a doormat. I've become even more stern now than before she was born, although I started recognising how my parents are people-pleasers and that I didn't want to be like them quite early. I've enjoyed more peace from cutting out toxic friends and family members than any other time in my life. Of course, it's sad how a lot of these relationships ended but it was necessary.
I am 34 and I am only now finding out what I 'want' it's crazy
This is so accurate. I was in a relationship for 15 yrs with this type of person (they are American) and I just couldn't understand why I always felt like I came second, especially during difficult situations. And they were so "nice" so how could I blame them. I notice this "niceness" in Korean men in general as well. Megan's right, stay away!
why is it that people pleasers always please the wrong people and never you?
You think you are the center of the world? XD
Not for all, but for some "people pleasers", they were or felt like there were or were told that they were one of the wrong people that didn't deserve to be pleased.
So it becomes easier to look at someone who seems like they don't deserve anything and say, "that's the exact person who deserves more". Many "overly nice" people are that way because they were treated in a way that might justify them turning toxic- but instead they transform it into servitude. Not serving you is saying that you clearly aren't suffering or in need relative to others. If he makes you the recipient, it's because he/she/they think(s) you're needy
I’m not Korean, but I am part of a more conservative environment in America, and I am also more people pleaser-y. I don’t need compliments necessarily, more I feel very hurt when others feel wronged or unhappy with me. It is something I am working on changing my perspective on. It’s difficult, but I’m glad you brought up this issue from an outside and gentle perspective. One day I want to be a good spouse; that will add to my efforts to have a better more healthy perspective.
Basically, try and avoid people who built their sense of self solely around extrinsic values rather than intrinsic ones.
Extrinsic = depended on outside factors than your self like recognision (you need other people for compliments, fame, follows, likes, status) power (again, you need other people to give you power) wealth (and again, wealth can be given/taken by other people and is always relative to those around you)
Intrinsic= value within you that cannot be controlled by anyone but you. (i am kind, i am curious, i am happy)
For example „owning a house“.
If someone is more extrinsically focused, they say „I am successful because I own a house“. So the house is part of their of who they are.
Someone intrinsically focused would say „I am successful because I am hard-working, endurant and curageous. This led me to be able to buy a house.“ In both scenarios, the person has a house. But in one, the house is part of their identity and self-worth. losing it would mean failure as a person. In the other, the house is just a by-product of who they are and the skill they possess. Even If they lose the house, the skill won’t vanish and they can get one again.
People with intrinsic values are therefore less swayed by other people‘s opinion and actions, and more likely to stay with their partner. They are their own happiness.
Great video Megan. Love yourself speak yourself. It’s a lifelong process for me.
This is such a good video! Also, random, but the picture you showed about going to college is a pic of my undergrad college and it completely threw me off because I wasn’t expecting to see that in a video from someone who lives in Korea! Worlds colliding!!
Hey Megan, these topics are super interesting. Keep these videos coming, please 😂❤
I love these types of videos you make. So interesting.
I married a Nigerian with this problem. It was hard to end the relationship because he seems very nice, but he came with BIG ISSUES. One of them being his family.
That is typically for Nigerian families to cause issues in a relationship.
People pleasing is a trauma response it makes sense this happens in Asia since mental health is taboo
i clicked so fast i think i even farted haha ,. good timing megan!
🤣🤣🤣
AYO
😂😂😂😂 thanks for coming and watching ❤❤
Wowww you are describing my family so accurately it’s almost scary. But I’m glad I’m not alone.
Thank you for sharing this video. Quite honestly I check a lot of those boxes of being a “nice person” and I’m actively trying to unlearn them and live for myself. It’s a long journey but I’m trying my best. Im actually planning to move to Korea soon so I feel less burdened to please everyone in my life and just be on my own for a while. ❤
Thank you so much Megan , I hope you make more videos where you talk about social experiences because I honestly enjoy watching you talk and benefit from your ideas .
I'm not Korean, but the ideas and issues I find in my culture as well.
I look at it like this; when you get married your immediate family, your mom and dad etc., become your extended family. Your spouse is now your immediate family. Your extended family is still important but your immediate family comes first. I'm a single mom and my child will always be the most important person in my life. When he gets married his spouse will be the most important in his life. It doesnt mean that he'll care about me less it just means he has different priorities and his marital relationship comes before every other relationship. I feel like that's how it should be.
You can’t let the family you came from ruin the family you’re building. By getting married your partner and future children are your primary family members and everyone else is extended family.