My grandmother used to say that if you notice a small flaw in the beginning, it usually only escalates and worsens after marriage and this tiny thing later becomes a giant issue. She advised me to not only choose someone based on similarities and good traits, but also based on their flaws and she was right! It's easy to pick when you're deciding solely based off of good traits while ignoring or downplaying any flaws.
What a wise lady! I totally agree. Somewhere along the way, I heard flaws referred to as the “price of admission.” Like, are you able to tolerate the flaws and what they will “cost” you to enter a close relationship with the person. It sounds transactional, and of course humans are nuanced and complex, and so are relationships. But it is a good reminder that someone’s bad traits do end up extracting something from those around them. Of course, their good qualities contribute positively to the people around them. But the “currency” is not always the same.
@@elusivemayfly7534 That's exactly what she was referring to as there's always a price to pay, but we can choose what we can and can't afford. Some people can handle a more jealous partner better than others and the same applies to any negative trait such as frugality although there's a thin line between frugality and stinginess, politeness and hypocrisy, compliment and irony. Unfortunately, as with everything in life the universal currency is energy regardless of the form it takes.
@@cristina14k Thanks to her, I'm still single 😄(by choice) especially, since my parents were the worst example. I hope you're doing great now though! I once read a quote, smart people learn from their mistakes while the wise learn from other's mistakes. The secret is to wait for them to make those mistakes first. The important thing is that we learn, develop and avoid repeating any negative patterns. Sometimes, we have to get close enough to the fire to understand that it burns. All of us learn differently and that's okay.
You're describing my mom. People always talk about how nice she is, but she doesn't take care of herself and was very neglectful towards my siblings, and I when we were younger. She comes home and brags about all the nice things people say about her. We just roll our eyes because she is a nightmare to live with. She will give a stranger her last and won't care if she and her household starves.
Sometimes parent's expectations for their children is so selfish and damaging. My mom was incredibly angry at me when I moved out at 18 because she wanted me to contribute to their rent, but I knew if I stayed I would stay stuck there and I'm not about to stay stuck with mom until 40! That niceness has happened to me before I used to spend my entire days helping acquaintances, neighbors, family, family friends etc. because with whatever they needed, it was incredibly stressful but when I finally stopped saying yes they all disappeared and I'm much happier now spending my time doing things I enjoy without the burden of having to keep doing favors for others.
Going through a similar experience now at 23. Although I've been out of the house since 18, I was still heading home often from university and giving my all for those around me. If I learned anything, people pleasers are great at attracting self-centered individuals. We were raised to be told taking care of yourself is selfish, but if you don't pour into yourself, how will you have the energy for those deserving of your time and love? Keep protecting yourself and your boundaries
As a recovering people pleaser myself, it’s so important to remember the difference between nice and kind. The definition of nice includes agreeableness where the definition of kindness does not. As a Christian, I believe that’s why kindness is a fruit of the spirit and not niceness. If you are too agreeable, you are going to be run over and taken advantage of.
I know exactly what you mean! My husband's family took advantage of my generosity and turned on me when it went south and I started to say "no" to his family at every opportunity they wanted something from me. To this day, they don't ask anymore.
Yes. I learned this after doing some inner work years ago. God actually led me to look up the definition of nice vs kind. And I got the revelation of what you just said. Also, Matthew 10:16 helped me.
Also (coming from a recovering people pleaser as well 😭) being nice has an aspect of performing/ maintaining an image Whilst kindness is about being genuine and true to one’s identity
Boundaries! No matter what the culture, you can be a good person and treat people well, but there has to be some boundaries, otherwise your life is going to be suffering.
I agree, nice people who have no boundaries will not be able to protect their loved ones. My family is Chinese, but my parents fit the description perfectly. They are like kids constantly asking for praise. They didn't realize they had kids themselves and even threw us under the bus for the praise of people who disliked us. It took us kids a big part of our adult life to recover, but we are now setting boundaries and protecting our loved ones.
Trust me you don't want my parents either. There are extremes to this. They are anything but nice and have ruined my life. They weren't physically abusive but mentally abusive. Asswholes who don't have boundaries as well are almost worse.
Megan - you are 100% SPOT ON with all of this. My last relationship was with a Korean man (and we are not even based in Korea) and everything you described was exactly why we fell apart. I feel so seen and understood. Thank you so much for making this video. ❤ Merry Christmas!
So basically people pleasers, anyone who disregard their own needs and “sacrifices” their happiness for their parents, kids, society will never be happy internally until they establish boundaries & do things for themselves for their own fulfillment. That built up resentment from not having their needs met and always sacrificing will always come out in the form of passive aggression, constant complaining/nitpicking, and entitlement. HONORING AND COMMUNICATING YOUR NEEDS AND BOUNDARIES IS KEY. NOW dont get this mistaken… you definitely want to be with someone who is genuinely kind, who is considerate, appreciates you for you and enjoys helping out & being there for you. When it come from a healthy place (meaning they honor their OWN needs and boundaries and others) this is THE best and most loving partner you’ll ever come across.
Hey Megan, there’s this concept called “self-erasure” that I came across when looking at my own people pleasing. It’s like you become so focused outwardly on other people’s expectations and needs that you without knowing it “erase” yourself (your likes, dislikes, opinions, goals, desires in life etc) to the point that you don’t know who you are or what you want anymore. It sounds like this is what you are describing in the video. That’s why when you ask a people pleaser where they want to eat dinner they genuinely don’t know how to answer..
I’m not Korean but I feel like you are talking about me. I gotta fix up. I’ll say though. It’s extremely hard to break out of this…been working on breaking this cycle this year. Therapy was great for me to have a place where I could be ugly (and ugly being just saying things that aren’t harmful but what I felt other people would hate about me) and doing little things to prove to myself that if I prioritize myself, I will be loved regardless, or hated, but I will not die haha. If you have this problem I recommend making small changes like, saying no to someone you usually say yes by visualizing them rejecting you etc. Now I’m vegetarian, and being vegetarian I’m able to ask people to consider me, etc. Or seeing people dislike you, and use that to push yourself to make even more people dislike you….by being yourself. The urge and voice to people please is very strong but you have to fight it. Kind of sad lol but it’s a process. As kids when you’re raised with this upbringing you feel if you don’t act properly you will literally die but we have to learn we are adults and will not die even if people dislike you 😜
I also felt a little bit like oh no that's me haha, but it is a problem I know I have and have been getting a lot better about over the past few years. Specifically I'm an overworker and those demands on myself I do sometimes subconsciously apply to other people, especially family (so I could for sure see myself doing it to a spouse).
I'm Korean American and I was never allowed to have boundaries growing up. It was so difficult to have boundaries my entire life and my 20's was spent learning that with people who just took and took from me. After having children, I really have no extra to give, and my girls deserve the best mom. I don't want to set that example for them. I stand my ground with boundaries with people more and more, and I have conversations with the girls about boundaries as well. You do not need to keep toxic people in your life. No one is owed or entitled to your energy and time. When it comes to my Korean mom, it's extremely difficult. I understand her as a woman but as her child, it's incredibly difficult. I am good to her but I am Korean American, not Korean. I do not give her regular 용돈 ($$$) but I have given her large sums even though I was rarely cared for on my birthdays. She expects gifts from me but not from my brother or even my dad. My mom is furious with us moving away to another state but my parents didn't visit us much when we lived 7 minutes away (they expected us to drive to them). She would complain about watching our kids even though she had us move 6.5 hours to her. It has never been easy with her and she's the one I still have so much difficulty with in terms of boundaries. She's gotten better but went backwards after getting hit by a car and breaking nearly every bone in her body. To some, your videos is simply entertaining but for us who actually has to live through it, it's really difficult. Korean culture is raw though. There's difficult aspects but some aspects are so great as well. I don't want to paint a negative picture all the way. I do appreciate many parts of it as well.
What does your brother think about y’all’s boundaries with your parents? And hope your mom is doing better after that car accident. I still remember the reaction after my grandma passed at around mid 60s on my mom’s side, my mom took it pretty badly for a long while
I'm a half-Korean recovering "nice girl"... it's a rough life, and I'm staying single so I don't ruin anybody's life. Lol. I should add... while I'm healing/recovering. I still have hope for my future, 100%.
Former nice girl people pleaser here. There is light on the other side. I stopped being Ms. Nice girl/people pleaser as a young girl in middle school… at least with those outside my family. My mom encouraged me to stand up for myself and say no. To set boundaries and not let myself be walked on. I realized I can be a nice person and still say no and set boundaries. Stopping being a people pleaser with my family was harder. I cut off my mother’s family when I was 32. I stopped taking my father’s abuse When I was 46. I’m much happier now and peaceful. I’m not afraid of being disliked anymore. I speak my mind and just let it be. Know that if you are in the right. You’re not being unfair or unreasonable it doesn’t matter what someone else says or thinks. People are who they are. They feel how they feel and think how they think. You can’t change that so why make yourself miserable trying to. You have to take care of yourself and be happy and healthy first before you can think about others. Never set yourself on fire just to keep someone else warm. Much love to you from Michigan ❤
You can stay single if it feels right for you but don’t do it if it is hurting you 😇 We are all broken in this or other way. We just have to keep growing
I heard a marriage counseling Pastor say “half a woman and half a man makes half a marriage”. “A whole woman and a whole man makes a whole marriage”. It’s good to take time to work on yourself first.
It’s so funny because its something that I’ve noticed while living here in South Korea. I’ve noticed there is a lot of politeness and niceness but I don’t see a lot of acts of kindness. I actually see more acts of kindness when I go back to London which is more of an individualistic society. But there is always variations with different societies. I have a family member who appears to be kind but actually does it to appear a certain way so they can monitor what other people in the family are doing and actually bad mouths family members behind their back. It’s quite manipulative. But they are slowly being exposed.
I was in seoul just for 3 days and took the subway to meet friends. There were some red seats who were 'reserved' i guess and an elder woman came in and there was no place to sit. Nobody offered the seat and my ass thinking 'isn't anyone offering seat to ahjuma' then i stood up and offered. She declined with a smile.
I'm South African (Cape Coloured) and I find so many similar mindsets and behaviors in my communities. Learning about S.Korea has helped me to appreciate my community and our blended culture so much. Thank you for your pov and deep respect your channel provides.
This is very true. The nice ones need praise. They cannot take criticism and you will hear them get defensive (or shut down) if you have a problem with them of any kind. They can't say no to people outside the family and you will be the one that comes in last place. Also people who need constant praise have low self worth. They may initially put you on a pedestal to acquire validation and access to you, but it will flip and do a 180° as soon as they think they have you locked down or see you getting attached to them. But usually they will show signs of not being able to take criticism early on. It's usually that you don't see the red flags. You might not express the same enthusiasm for music they like and they might take it personally. Stuff like that. You'll notice that if any friend of yours expresses way more of that kind of artificial praise and enthusiasm they'll gravitate towards them more. The red flags are there but if you ignore them it will eventually come to a head. All the frustration they feel from being "nice" will eventually be taken out on their partner either by fighting or cheating.
This was just super insightful overall discussing enmeshed families, lack of boundaries, etc. I think some of these things may need to change to help the falling marriage and birth rates.
For me, it’s more so about avoiding conflict and arguments. And I believe that’s from a combo of groomed to be a people pleaser AND bullying from a parent & the favorite child. I realized I have a hard time saying no due to the fear of creating an argument. I ask my therapist all the time how can I get my word across without arguing and being a bully bc it’s a behavioral pattern learned from caretaker. I’m still working on how to speak up and create healthy boundaries without causing tension or losing a friend.
I think that’s the surface level fear involved with people pleasing though. But much deeper than that, there’s a fear of experiencing the psychological and physiological symptoms of fear- chest pain, lightheadedness, shortness of breath, etc which comes from not feeling good enough, being a burden, or having a low opinion of yourself. It’s all internal and hence it’s self centered because it’s actually less concerned about the conflict at hand or the other person and more about not wanting to feel uncomfortable. You’re putting your emotional safety over the authentic lives or relationships with other people- hence the “selfishness” of people pleasing.
My family is East European and the parenting method of choice was/is authoritarian. It’s definitely placed more so on women (but I’ve heard it’s kind of reversed in SK?), especially for my Mom’s generation. Feminism in the 80s-00s was so hell bent on a Mom being the family caretaker, the nurse for aging family members, a full time career woman, a hands on mother, and a dutiful wife… it just burnt out my Mom, like many others. It’s only as a young adult that I really recognized how little she actually cares for herself but demands all her strength to people who take advantage of her. She doesn’t schedule doctor appointments for herself, she works until a limb will break or she physically has to be walked to bed, and won’t let her body recover. It’s always the same excuse “I can’t take care of myself, because there won’t be time for -“ 😞 My parents get so angry at me for not “contributing to the family” but simultaneously want me to have enough money to pay rent for an apartment and have a car etc… Those two expectations are completely contradictory to each other. I can’t have money or save it if I’m giving them the majority of what I get, like I’ll never be able to leave. That’s what I think they truly want, for the money and labor at least, they just don’t want to have to say the words out loud.
I was an overly nice person once upon a time, but not because I wanted praise or recognition but because I was taught that I needed to be this way. That in order to make friends. To be accepted. To be a proper lady…. It only got me bullied and taken advantage of. When I went to my dad in tears about the bullying he told me I wasn’t being nice enough…I needed to be nicer. My mom changed her view point and was like nope! Be nice. Be polite. Be a lady. But set boundaries and know when to put your foot down… or in a persons behind 🦶 🍑 know when to say no and don’t let yourself be disrespected. Things changed drastically 😂 other kids learned real quick don’t mess with Marlinah 😆 I took what my mom said and ran a country mile with it 😁 Family is harder. It’s hard to say no or set boundaries with your elders. It took me a long time. Now at 52 I’ve cut contact with both sides of my family. The toxicity was real. I lost my mom in April of 2020 and my grandmother several months before that. I only talk to my siblings, their children, my children, and my grandchildren. I’m a lot happier now and more peaceful.
This is the same problem with Indian men too..............the elders dream for a "nice man" some sort of ideal person who takes care of everything and in the process forgets to LOVE his woman and grow with her...........
Thank you for this video! I felt some light bulbs going off while you were talking. This explains so much about my last few relationships! Guys doing things so they can be the "nice guy", but then not knowing what to do when it interferes with the relationship and makes you mad. Also the problem when you are with this "nice guy" and the mask comes off, cause he's had a hard day...and no one believes you because he's nice to everyone but you! 😭
Hi Megan, I’m normally silent viewer since your teaching Korean videos and I just want to say I’m so proud of the person you are! It was so courageous for you to move to a foreign country, learn the language and now have your own cute family. I appreciate your insight on topics like this ❤
Recently started my journey of not being a chronic people pleaser because I wanted to always be perceived as a “selfless, nice” person and I was obsessed with people’s perception of me. Even if this video is mainly about couples, a lot of the things you spoke about reminded me that I need to just be true to my self, set boundaries, and even let go of friends, even if it’s looked at as “bad” to others. And to me, striving to only be “nice” does not make you a nice person.
That is wonderful! I’ve been on the journey for 15 years or so, and it has gotten much easier! I find the people who come into my life are more kind and grounded, too. I’m still learning, but the progress is worth all the discomfort and uncertainty along the way ❤
This is sooooo true. Lived in Korea for a few years and made Korean friends and obviously friends in the expat community who married Korean guys. Everything you’ve said here rings true in what I’ve seen for both Korean and foreigners in relationships with Koreans
I had to teach my 60 year old black mother this with her 80 year old mother. When I set boundaries with the my mother early on, she called me mean and disrespectful, now she understands.
This is such a good video! Also, random, but the picture you showed about going to college is a pic of my undergrad college and it completely threw me off because I wasn’t expecting to see that in a video from someone who lives in Korea! Worlds colliding!!
I relate to this some too as a white Canadian female since I was raised by a narc mother and a sexually abusive "father." You learn to just be perfectionistic and follow all the rules but you basically set yourself up for misery and eventually hate yourself and wait for the day you snap. You'll either wanna "tap out" or fight back [stop abandoning yourself, stand up for yourself, set healthy boundaries, cut out toxic relationships (family or otherwise), learn to reparent yourself in a healthy way, get counseling, etc....] I've been in counseling and left my family 6 months ago. It's been getting a lot better already although not easy. I've even had to stay away from other people attached to my toxic family members too because they are a lability now too. I believe my inner child is proud of me for standing up for myself, pouring into myself, healing, seeking counseling, and setting up healthy boundaries. I believe I'm setting a positive example for others too. Sending love and healing to those suffering through this sort of thing. 😔🙏❤🩹
I’m not Asian but have dated several Asian guys who all tend to be nice guys. The very first one traumatized the absolute shit out of me because of their people pleasing. I think one of the worst parts of people pleasers/nice guys is that they inevitably do cruel and calculated bad behavior out of resentment and covert contracts, and they end up always having perfect excuses or justifications *because* they’ve been “nice.”
It's nice to hear someone being real about this. I've broken up with a lot of people pleasers and i always get flack for it but it's problematic on so many levels 😢 thanks Megan. I feel seen 🥰
My Mom always wanted to "keep the peace" in the family, which made her sibs walk all over her. When I, as a young teen, admonished them for it (actually, I WENT IN on them, by letter), and they got mad about it, she tried to get me to stop. My protective nature ended up saving her life. There were people (whom I pretty much ignored) telling me what a "good daughter" I was for the things I did. I ignored them bc I didn't care about anyone's praise, I just wanted my mom to have the best possible quality of life...but I still worked full-time and played in a working band. As long as my (very independent) Mom never suffered, I was cool. My religion teaches that you don't do things for praise, and you don't brag abt it, which is also cool. When my parents were alive, I never mentioned these things. However, I lived the life *I* wanted to live, by my rules. I WAS a "good daughter" but, outside of that, I was still my own person. Bottom line, a people pleaser can raise a child who isn't one...but only if the parents raise their offspring to be an Independent Thinker. There's hope...but it's not an easy ride.
Yeah! Thanks for sharing. Usually kids go opposite of the parents. If your mom was a people pleaser you recognized that she needed help and became a protector of sorts. It’s good that you are your own person but also help others. I think you found the right balance~ I bet your mom was so grateful for you standing up for her in the end.
I am not married but I have people like that in my family. There is a giver and there is a taker. I always giver and didn’t get anything back and always blamed on first. Takers don’t do anything but always get first from you.
I would describe myself as “nice,” with both the good and bad qualities that word evokes. I’m grateful to have gotten better at avoiding people pleasing and enmeshment with others as I’ve aged. My husband helped me with that. He is kind but not what I would call “nice.” He is not rude, just assertive, direct, and honest. I feel bad that he got dragged into my unhealthy interactions with others over the years, but his “WTF?!” reaction to them helped me see how skewed my own perception was. I have good friends that helped in the same way.
This is honestly ground breaking for so many countries as well as Korea. Including the US. The reasons might differ, but the issues as a result of the situations remain the same.
Facts in my family, I was doing things for my siblings and being extremely nice to my siblings but these folks were really messing around with me especially my brother’s wife until I had to switch it up and they were shook!😂😂. They started saying they didn’t know I was this mean. But guess what? I don’t care cause I feel more sane and uncontrolled being the way I am now!😩🙏🏾😩.
I learned this the hard way when I first came to Korea. The worst are two faced nice to everyone but behind closed doors are another face. 🙅🏼♀️🙅🏼♀️🙅🏼♀️ luckily I caught on very quickly and saved myself from that relationship
This is so accurate. I was in a relationship for 15 yrs with this type of person (they are American) and I just couldn't understand why I always felt like I came second, especially during difficult situations. And they were so "nice" so how could I blame them. I notice this "niceness" in Korean men in general as well. Megan's right, stay away!
Just yesterday I saw a video where the daughter complimented her mother by saying '"you are so nice, you always put others needs before yours aww" and they both almost started crying by how loving and kind the mother was by doing that and all I could just think abiut was ugh that's a real issue right there please don't get moved by it, mom might just be in the middle of developing a chronic illness and then you can curse the universe about how unfair it is for doing this to the nicest people..
Speaking as an Italian, Italians! Esp the previous generation. The demands of my grandmother's generation were out of control and my dad's generation really went thru this. I hope my generation changes things.
It's better to be respected than to be considered nice, because sometimes to give yourself space to be a kind person you have to establish boundaries which may be uncomfortable for everyone else.
Back then, I use to do everything what my parents wanted and it got overwhelming for me and finally I started to say NO. I really needed to live my own life. So glad I got out of that environment.
Girl, this seems like a universal problem in my opinion. I quickly discovered that people don't like being challenged or having their views challenged, hence I've been referred to as rude by family members simply because I started setting my boundaries quite early. I can be kind but I recognise bullshit from a mile off and call people out on it. Of course, it hasn't always been like this but I'm a mother now, I can't afford for my daugher to grow up being a doormat. I've become even more stern now than before she was born, although I started recognising how my parents are people-pleasers and that I didn't want to be like them quite early. I've enjoyed more peace from cutting out toxic friends and family members than any other time in my life. Of course, it's sad how a lot of these relationships ended but it was necessary.
People tend to think that being a good son or a people pleaser translates into being a good hubby, so they encourage it. So much for the real life deal though😅 Thx for the video!
I’m Christian but have a lot of respect for Buddhists. I think there is a stoicism in both religions, where we recognize the world is very flawed, but we can focus on making positive changes in it. That involves gratitude for the many beautiful things and ideas we encounter but also an effort not to cling too hard to temporary gifts.
I think there is more going on. I think the story about the 40-year-old man demonstrates how there is a perception on the part of the people-pleasers that they are incapable or destined to fail if they don't do what they people they feel beholden to say. I suspect the parents are deliberately undermining the (adult) child and putting them down in every way EXCEPT for the ways that directly benefit the parents. It's something that starts in childhood and leaves a massive scar, undermining their confidence in themselves and ability to make the necessary decisions and boundaries they need to in adult life because they feel like without their parents' approval, they won't be able to survive.
In my country, we have a saying for people like that: 'dark at home, a streetlamp outside.' Reflecting on those examples, I can better understand many of my dad's behaviors toward my mom. Just like you mentioned in the video, it's hard to help them because they’ll get angry if you point out what they’re doing wrong.
The part of parents feeling betrayed after their children built a new family is rather interesting to me because in my religion, once a man got married his wife and children comes first before his parents. People who don't balance this or prioritise their parents to the point of neglecting their new family that they're now solely responsible for often get criticized by society.
This black and white thinking is just so prevalent in Korean society, but even in other Asian cultures such as Chinese, Japanese, and even Singaporean cultures. It is such a major form of stress for those who do not detach themselves from its toxic expectations.
Dang Megan! Keep it up!!! Love this type of content!! Teaches us a lot of interesting different new ways of doing analysis of ourselves and others. Pure gold! Love it!!!!
This is so so so true! And I live in America lol. Thank God, my hubs decided to work on his people pleasing behaviors. It was long overdue.This whole video is accurate!
Thank you Megan!!!! I am enjoying these topics!!! Please please keep it up! I want to add that this idea of 착간 남자 happens here also..it seems to happen if you attach yourself to what we call “Mama’s boy”…I have an 8 year old son and while I love him very much, I don’t want him to be a “mama’s boy” or a people pleaser”.
Urgh! As someone who lives in the west but comes from a collective community. Everything said i saw in my community. You also find overly giver, overly takers within family members and one individual is poured into. It’s so bizarre.
Early christmas gift in the form of a videooo, thank you❤ I've always wanted an inside POV on this in modern times, in a visibly collective society ✨️👀✨️
@MrsMeganMoon Always! It's comforting to see someone along their journey, even better than you work hard and maintain a level head wherever possible. I know that can't be easy, and I'm grateful you're still sharing with us. My best wishes to you and your family all over the world❤️
if you're a nice guy, stay a nice guy, focus on your work, do what you believe is the best thing to do and you'll eventually meet the right person for you and you'll wake up every day knowing that you never lost your personal morals for sex or fame
Maybe your friend has already developed a deep relationship with his mom that he doesn't want to leave because he's already close to her used to her, knows what she likes, and another person, there's just too many unknowns. Your mom loves you no matter what and she already knows your weaknesses. A new person has no such requirement and you don't know if they will accept your weakness. A lot of weaknesses cannot be improved. So he might just be scared of the judgement a new partner would give him. Sometimes its no about people pleasing but emotional safety. Like maybe he doesn't want to learn how to do certain chores, he's just happy the way it is and that's fine. Maybe he won't tell you the real reason because its too vulnerable.
loved everything about this video even though I'm not in Korea and I'm not married to a Korean man, this phenomenon is universal I think. but your comments @14:00 sounds a bit off in my opinion. when you come from an individualistic culture, you can never convince a person who grew up in a collectivistic culture, raised by collectivistic parents, surrounded by collectivistic mindset to do the same as you. I come from a collectivistic culture and currently in another collectivistic culture (China). My Chinese friends would understand my relationship with my family because they have it too, but when I tell my European friends about my family problems, they always don't understand the logic behind it and always blame me for being too attached to my family. I cannot change that and will never change that, it is somehow guilt-tripping but I believe that my parents are my responsibility too. So the only way to solve family problems is to compromise, to understand that your parents are going to be there, like we say in my country: you can't remove your nose from your face. So compromising is the key, no need to cut ties or move far away just to prove that you're independent. so the best thing is first to understand your friend, second maybe guide him to find a middle solution, and third, please don't compare your situation to his because you both come from the opposite extreme ends of the spectrum. we also don't understand how Americans and Europeans leave their parents' houses at the age of 18, so young, hahaha.
When people interact with one another in a blind date setting, I hope that being respectful and kind isn't misunderstood as being a "nice guy" or as a person without personal boundaries-a people pleaser. The video message was really good and well put together, but I worry that those who need this advice might draw the opposite conclusion, missing the point that it's not really about being a "nice guy" or needing a "bad guy." We don't need another explanation like "Why Bad Guys Make the Worst Husbands in Korea: You Will Suffer" Part 2 several years from now. People who are self-centered without being selfish represent a balanced way of interacting with others in life. Bad people tend to have strict boundaries for themselves but won't respect the boundaries of others. It's all about the boundaries.
In the culture it wasn’t just a one way thing it would be equal measures. A 50/50 with family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, acquaintances of giving, sharing and doing each other favors
Parent's like that are extremely selfish! Parents should live to raise their children to live healthy and independent! The ultimate idea is for children to leave the nest, the coup. You can't stay with your mama till you're 40 because she had an unhappy marriage, for goodness sake. Parents need a bit of emotional intelligence too. Parents who demand from their children, time, or money or to treat them like a service of sorts, a playback, in Western culture, you're going to grow old alone! It's called emotional blackmailing! My husband tends to be a do-gooder, but only up to a point, then he sais to hell with that. I'm the firecracker who points out the toxic or selfish actions. I'm extremely "selfish" in that regard. If you're using me for your own gain, don't expect anything in future. It's not conducive to a healthy, happy life. Marriage is a complex dimanics that requires mutual effort and respect. No way in heaven and on earth would I choose my parents above my spouse or children. Neither would I welcome destructive in-laws, come hell or high water. We should respect our elders, but not at the cost of your marriage or own hapiness! You create your own hapiness. Once you're married, my advice, after 27 years of marriage, is to cut parents off who wrap an imbecile cord around you. It's not natural. My parents were protective of me, but once I set healthy boundaries they respected that. The know me and understand my mindset. That's what's important in the end is that you respects your children and their own space! I raised my kids the same, they need to be healthy, responsible adults ..... who are happy.
15:24 This is why I say some people have kids for selfish reasons. They want someone to love them and to control. So they have a kid, who will grow up and leave 🧐? See they think love means you will always be around and be present. You have to be able to let go of things and people you love. Otherwise you will never live a full life.
I don’t think it’s been selfish. I think the mother-in-law‘s being selfish but I think that it’s a shame that it happens in the states too. I think people need to stand up for themselves and not be bothered with other people what they think just the speaker, her teacher her teacher told her that you are never going to be a writer you can’t, speak the word of English just go figure out something else. This woman is now a professor of English. She is a speaker. She listen to other people would’ve never went and left her authentic self.
Maybe less gossip. Just one gossip but mostly info in this one hehe. But maybe I can do some stories of how these situations got bad. I’ve heard of many of them
@@MrsMeganMoon would love it if you could. And this is definitely not just a SK thing. The "nice guy" problem is everywhere. And the children get the hurt as well. Badly.
My grandmother used to say that if you notice a small flaw in the beginning, it usually only escalates and worsens after marriage and this tiny thing later becomes a giant issue. She advised me to not only choose someone based on similarities and good traits, but also based on their flaws and she was right! It's easy to pick when you're deciding solely based off of good traits while ignoring or downplaying any flaws.
What a wise lady! I totally agree.
Somewhere along the way, I heard flaws referred to as the “price of admission.” Like, are you able to tolerate the flaws and what they will “cost” you to enter a close relationship with the person.
It sounds transactional, and of course humans are nuanced and complex, and so are relationships. But it is a good reminder that someone’s bad traits do end up extracting something from those around them.
Of course, their good qualities contribute positively to the people around them. But the “currency” is not always the same.
@@elusivemayfly7534 That's exactly what she was referring to as there's always a price to pay, but we can choose what we can and can't afford. Some people can handle a more jealous partner better than others and the same applies to any negative trait such as frugality although there's a thin line between frugality and stinginess, politeness and hypocrisy, compliment and irony. Unfortunately, as with everything in life the universal currency is energy regardless of the form it takes.
@ Well said!!
What a wise soul.. I wish I could have had that advice when I was younger.. I learned the lesson though.. 😢
@@cristina14k Thanks to her, I'm still single 😄(by choice) especially, since my parents were the worst example. I hope you're doing great now though! I once read a quote, smart people learn from their mistakes while the wise learn from other's mistakes. The secret is to wait for them to make those mistakes first. The important thing is that we learn, develop and avoid repeating any negative patterns. Sometimes, we have to get close enough to the fire to understand that it burns. All of us learn differently and that's okay.
You're describing my mom. People always talk about how nice she is, but she doesn't take care of herself and was very neglectful towards my siblings, and I when we were younger. She comes home and brags about all the nice things people say about her. We just roll our eyes because she is a nightmare to live with. She will give a stranger her last and won't care if she and her household starves.
I wonder what the psychology behind this is?
@specificallysallie7481 Savior complex
Isn't that a form of narcissism? 😢
Sometimes parent's expectations for their children is so selfish and damaging. My mom was incredibly angry at me when I moved out at 18 because she wanted me to contribute to their rent, but I knew if I stayed I would stay stuck there and I'm not about to stay stuck with mom until 40! That niceness has happened to me before I used to spend my entire days helping acquaintances, neighbors, family, family friends etc. because with whatever they needed, it was incredibly stressful but when I finally stopped saying yes they all disappeared and I'm much happier now spending my time doing things I enjoy without the burden of having to keep doing favors for others.
years off my life "helping" others aka neglecting my needs
Oh wow. Yeah unfortunately there are some like that. I’m glad that you were able to move out and live your life ❤❤❤
@@justPisfinethanksunderstood. Also the people around you weren’t your real friends it seems as they left once the help stopped. :( that’s so sad :(
Going through a similar experience now at 23. Although I've been out of the house since 18, I was still heading home often from university and giving my all for those around me. If I learned anything, people pleasers are great at attracting self-centered individuals. We were raised to be told taking care of yourself is selfish, but if you don't pour into yourself, how will you have the energy for those deserving of your time and love? Keep protecting yourself and your boundaries
Yes the moment you stop doing for others anf saying Im sorry , I cant, people start talking badly about you. Theyll say you have changed ect.
As a recovering people pleaser myself, it’s so important to remember the difference between nice and kind. The definition of nice includes agreeableness where the definition of kindness does not. As a Christian, I believe that’s why kindness is a fruit of the spirit and not niceness. If you are too agreeable, you are going to be run over and taken advantage of.
I know exactly what you mean! My husband's family took advantage of my generosity and turned on me when it went south and I started to say "no" to his family at every opportunity they wanted something from me. To this day, they don't ask anymore.
People take advantage of others using niceness too. It's not true kindness but politics. Not everyone expects something in return but some do.
@olive4naito i don't expect anything in return.
Yes. I learned this after doing some inner work years ago. God actually led me to look up the definition of nice vs kind. And I got the revelation of what you just said. Also, Matthew 10:16 helped me.
Also (coming from a recovering people pleaser as well 😭) being nice has an aspect of performing/ maintaining an image
Whilst kindness is about being genuine and true to one’s identity
Boundaries! No matter what the culture, you can be a good person and treat people well, but there has to be some boundaries, otherwise your life is going to be suffering.
I agree, nice people who have no boundaries will not be able to protect their loved ones. My family is Chinese, but my parents fit the description perfectly. They are like kids constantly asking for praise. They didn't realize they had kids themselves and even threw us under the bus for the praise of people who disliked us. It took us kids a big part of our adult life to recover, but we are now setting boundaries and protecting our loved ones.
Trust me you don't want my parents either. There are extremes to this. They are anything but nice and have ruined my life. They weren't physically abusive but mentally abusive. Asswholes who don't have boundaries as well are almost worse.
Megan - you are 100% SPOT ON with all of this. My last relationship was with a Korean man (and we are not even based in Korea) and everything you described was exactly why we fell apart. I feel so seen and understood. Thank you so much for making this video. ❤ Merry Christmas!
So basically people pleasers, anyone who disregard their own needs and “sacrifices” their happiness for their parents, kids, society will never be happy internally until they establish boundaries & do things for themselves for their own fulfillment. That built up resentment from not having their needs met and always sacrificing will always come out in the form of passive aggression, constant complaining/nitpicking, and entitlement. HONORING AND COMMUNICATING YOUR NEEDS AND BOUNDARIES IS KEY.
NOW dont get this mistaken… you definitely want to be with someone who is genuinely kind, who is considerate, appreciates you for you and enjoys helping out & being there for you. When it come from a healthy place (meaning they honor their OWN needs and boundaries and others) this is THE best and most loving partner you’ll ever come across.
💯 to everything you've written. I've seen a lot of people-pleasing end up in passive aggression and it's not cute.
Hey Megan, there’s this concept called “self-erasure” that I came across when looking at my own people pleasing. It’s like you become so focused outwardly on other people’s expectations and needs that you without knowing it “erase” yourself (your likes, dislikes, opinions, goals, desires in life etc) to the point that you don’t know who you are or what you want anymore. It sounds like this is what you are describing in the video. That’s why when you ask a people pleaser where they want to eat dinner they genuinely don’t know how to answer..
Yeah. It seems so sad :( and so hard to live that way
I’m not Korean but I feel like you are talking about me. I gotta fix up. I’ll say though. It’s extremely hard to break out of this…been working on breaking this cycle this year. Therapy was great for me to have a place where I could be ugly (and ugly being just saying things that aren’t harmful but what I felt other people would hate about me) and doing little things to prove to myself that if I prioritize myself, I will be loved regardless, or hated, but I will not die haha. If you have this problem I recommend making small changes like, saying no to someone you usually say yes by visualizing them rejecting you etc. Now I’m vegetarian, and being vegetarian I’m able to ask people to consider me, etc. Or seeing people dislike you, and use that to push yourself to make even more people dislike you….by being yourself. The urge and voice to people please is very strong but you have to fight it. Kind of sad lol but it’s a process. As kids when you’re raised with this upbringing you feel if you don’t act properly you will literally die but we have to learn we are adults and will not die even if people dislike you 😜
Oh no. I’m sorry to hear you struggle with this. But I’m glad you are working on it and are taking care of yourself more and more ❤❤
I also felt a little bit like oh no that's me haha, but it is a problem I know I have and have been getting a lot better about over the past few years. Specifically I'm an overworker and those demands on myself I do sometimes subconsciously apply to other people, especially family (so I could for sure see myself doing it to a spouse).
I'm Korean American and I was never allowed to have boundaries growing up. It was so difficult to have boundaries my entire life and my 20's was spent learning that with people who just took and took from me. After having children, I really have no extra to give, and my girls deserve the best mom. I don't want to set that example for them. I stand my ground with boundaries with people more and more, and I have conversations with the girls about boundaries as well. You do not need to keep toxic people in your life. No one is owed or entitled to your energy and time. When it comes to my Korean mom, it's extremely difficult. I understand her as a woman but as her child, it's incredibly difficult. I am good to her but I am Korean American, not Korean. I do not give her regular 용돈 ($$$) but I have given her large sums even though I was rarely cared for on my birthdays. She expects gifts from me but not from my brother or even my dad. My mom is furious with us moving away to another state but my parents didn't visit us much when we lived 7 minutes away (they expected us to drive to them). She would complain about watching our kids even though she had us move 6.5 hours to her. It has never been easy with her and she's the one I still have so much difficulty with in terms of boundaries. She's gotten better but went backwards after getting hit by a car and breaking nearly every bone in her body. To some, your videos is simply entertaining but for us who actually has to live through it, it's really difficult.
Korean culture is raw though. There's difficult aspects but some aspects are so great as well. I don't want to paint a negative picture all the way. I do appreciate many parts of it as well.
What does your brother think about y’all’s boundaries with your parents? And hope your mom is doing better after that car accident. I still remember the reaction after my grandma passed at around mid 60s on my mom’s side, my mom took it pretty badly for a long while
I'm a half-Korean recovering "nice girl"... it's a rough life, and I'm staying single so I don't ruin anybody's life. Lol.
I should add... while I'm healing/recovering. I still have hope for my future, 100%.
Former nice girl people pleaser here. There is light on the other side. I stopped being Ms. Nice girl/people pleaser as a young girl in middle school… at least with those outside my family. My mom encouraged me to stand up for myself and say no. To set boundaries and not let myself be walked on. I realized I can be a nice person and still say no and set boundaries. Stopping being a people pleaser with my family was harder. I cut off my mother’s family when I was 32. I stopped taking my father’s abuse When I was 46. I’m much happier now and peaceful. I’m not afraid of being disliked anymore. I speak my mind and just let it be. Know that if you are in the right. You’re not being unfair or unreasonable it doesn’t matter what someone else says or thinks. People are who they are. They feel how they feel and think how they think. You can’t change that so why make yourself miserable trying to. You have to take care of yourself and be happy and healthy first before you can think about others. Never set yourself on fire just to keep someone else warm. Much love to you from Michigan ❤
You can stay single if it feels right for you but don’t do it if it is hurting you 😇 We are all broken in this or other way. We just have to keep growing
Always good to have hope ❤
I heard a marriage counseling Pastor say “half a woman and half a man makes half a marriage”. “A whole woman and a whole man makes a whole marriage”. It’s good to take time to work on yourself first.
It’s so funny because its something that I’ve noticed while living here in South Korea. I’ve noticed there is a lot of politeness and niceness but I don’t see a lot of acts of kindness. I actually see more acts of kindness when I go back to London which is more of an individualistic society. But there is always variations with different societies. I have a family member who appears to be kind but actually does it to appear a certain way so they can monitor what other people in the family are doing and actually bad mouths family members behind their back. It’s quite manipulative. But they are slowly being exposed.
This!! That's why I always say I prefer a kind man over a nice man any day!
I was in seoul just for 3 days and took the subway to meet friends. There were some red seats who were 'reserved' i guess and an elder woman came in and there was no place to sit. Nobody offered the seat and my ass thinking 'isn't anyone offering seat to ahjuma' then i stood up and offered. She declined with a smile.
I'm South African (Cape Coloured) and I find so many similar mindsets and behaviors in my communities. Learning about S.Korea has helped me to appreciate my community and our blended culture so much.
Thank you for your pov and deep respect your channel provides.
This was so insightful Megan and not only for spouses from Korea but spoke in general thank very much
I like the video first, then watch it 😂😂 because I know it's gonna be 🔥🔥🔥
❤❤❤❤ yaaay! I appreciate the faith you have in me
This is very true. The nice ones need praise. They cannot take criticism and you will hear them get defensive (or shut down) if you have a problem with them of any kind. They can't say no to people outside the family and you will be the one that comes in last place. Also people who need constant praise have low self worth. They may initially put you on a pedestal to acquire validation and access to you, but it will flip and do a 180° as soon as they think they have you locked down or see you getting attached to them. But usually they will show signs of not being able to take criticism early on. It's usually that you don't see the red flags. You might not express the same enthusiasm for music they like and they might take it personally. Stuff like that. You'll notice that if any friend of yours expresses way more of that kind of artificial praise and enthusiasm they'll gravitate towards them more. The red flags are there but if you ignore them it will eventually come to a head. All the frustration they feel from being "nice" will eventually be taken out on their partner either by fighting or cheating.
This was just super insightful overall discussing enmeshed families, lack of boundaries, etc. I think some of these things may need to change to help the falling marriage and birth rates.
I think people are starting to realize it and are moving in the right direction here.
For me, it’s more so about avoiding conflict and arguments. And I believe that’s from a combo of groomed to be a people pleaser AND bullying from a parent & the favorite child. I realized I have a hard time saying no due to the fear of creating an argument. I ask my therapist all the time how can I get my word across without arguing and being a bully bc it’s a behavioral pattern learned from caretaker. I’m still working on how to speak up and create healthy boundaries without causing tension or losing a friend.
I think that’s the surface level fear involved with people pleasing though. But much deeper than that, there’s a fear of experiencing the psychological and physiological symptoms of fear- chest pain, lightheadedness, shortness of breath, etc which comes from not feeling good enough, being a burden, or having a low opinion of yourself.
It’s all internal and hence it’s self centered because it’s actually less concerned about the conflict at hand or the other person and more about not wanting to feel uncomfortable. You’re putting your emotional safety over the authentic lives or relationships with other people- hence the “selfishness” of people pleasing.
sometimes an argument cant be avoided
My family is East European and the parenting method of choice was/is authoritarian. It’s definitely placed more so on women (but I’ve heard it’s kind of reversed in SK?), especially for my Mom’s generation. Feminism in the 80s-00s was so hell bent on a Mom being the family caretaker, the nurse for aging family members, a full time career woman, a hands on mother, and a dutiful wife… it just burnt out my Mom, like many others. It’s only as a young adult that I really recognized how little she actually cares for herself but demands all her strength to people who take advantage of her. She doesn’t schedule doctor appointments for herself, she works until a limb will break or she physically has to be walked to bed, and won’t let her body recover. It’s always the same excuse “I can’t take care of myself, because there won’t be time for -“ 😞
My parents get so angry at me for not “contributing to the family” but simultaneously want me to have enough money to pay rent for an apartment and have a car etc… Those two expectations are completely contradictory to each other. I can’t have money or save it if I’m giving them the majority of what I get, like I’ll never be able to leave. That’s what I think they truly want, for the money and labor at least, they just don’t want to have to say the words out loud.
I was an overly nice person once upon a time, but not because I wanted praise or recognition but because I was taught that I needed to be this way. That in order to make friends. To be accepted. To be a proper lady…. It only got me bullied and taken advantage of. When I went to my dad in tears about the bullying he told me I wasn’t being nice enough…I needed to be nicer. My mom changed her view point and was like nope! Be nice. Be polite. Be a lady. But set boundaries and know when to put your foot down… or in a persons behind 🦶 🍑 know when to say no and don’t let yourself be disrespected. Things changed drastically 😂 other kids learned real quick don’t mess with Marlinah 😆 I took what my mom said and ran a country mile with it 😁 Family is harder. It’s hard to say no or set boundaries with your elders. It took me a long time. Now at 52 I’ve cut contact with both sides of my family. The toxicity was real. I lost my mom in April of 2020 and my grandmother several months before that. I only talk to my siblings, their children, my children, and my grandchildren. I’m a lot happier now and more peaceful.
It's so true that your spouse will treat you the way they treat themselves!
This is the same problem with Indian men too..............the elders dream for a "nice man" some sort of ideal person who takes care of everything and in the process forgets to LOVE his woman and grow with her...........
Thank you for this video! I felt some light bulbs going off while you were talking. This explains so much about my last few relationships! Guys doing things so they can be the "nice guy", but then not knowing what to do when it interferes with the relationship and makes you mad. Also the problem when you are with this "nice guy" and the mask comes off, cause he's had a hard day...and no one believes you because he's nice to everyone but you! 😭
Yes~~ I’ve heard about that. When the nice guy mask comes off at home. It’s very hard to deal with
Very educational. this is not only for Koreans or people who wanted to marry Koreans. this is applicable to all.
Hi Megan, I’m normally silent viewer since your teaching Korean videos and I just want to say I’m so proud of the person you are! It was so courageous for you to move to a foreign country, learn the language and now have your own cute family. I appreciate your insight on topics like this ❤
😍😍😍😍
This is DEEP!! 💎 THANK YOU MEGAN!!! 👏🏾👏🏾
This is really good Megan. You broke it down to the tenth power!
Recently started my journey of not being a chronic people pleaser because I wanted to always be perceived as a “selfless, nice” person and I was obsessed with people’s perception of me. Even if this video is mainly about couples, a lot of the things you spoke about reminded me that I need to just be true to my self, set boundaries, and even let go of friends, even if it’s looked at as “bad” to others. And to me, striving to only be “nice” does not make you a nice person.
That is wonderful! I’ve been on the journey for 15 years or so, and it has gotten much easier! I find the people who come into my life are more kind and grounded, too. I’m still learning, but the progress is worth all the discomfort and uncertainty along the way ❤
This is sooooo true. Lived in Korea for a few years and made Korean friends and obviously friends in the expat community who married Korean guys. Everything you’ve said here rings true in what I’ve seen for both Korean and foreigners in relationships with Koreans
You should watch the kdrama Daily does of sunshine. It covers mental health and common issues you’ve talked about.
You need someone who is nice because of their heart and morals and not because of obligations. Some obligations are really unfair.
That is a person who is kind, not nice.
I had to teach my 60 year old black mother this with her 80 year old mother. When I set boundaries with the my mother early on, she called me mean and disrespectful, now she understands.
I really enjoy these sit down videos 🩷
❤❤❤❤ thanks for watching and supporting
@ thanks for replying 🥰🩷
This is such a good video! Also, random, but the picture you showed about going to college is a pic of my undergrad college and it completely threw me off because I wasn’t expecting to see that in a video from someone who lives in Korea! Worlds colliding!!
I relate to this some too as a white Canadian female since I was raised by a narc mother and a sexually abusive "father." You learn to just be perfectionistic and follow all the rules but you basically set yourself up for misery and eventually hate yourself and wait for the day you snap. You'll either wanna "tap out" or fight back [stop abandoning yourself, stand up for yourself, set healthy boundaries, cut out toxic relationships (family or otherwise), learn to reparent yourself in a healthy way, get counseling, etc....] I've been in counseling and left my family 6 months ago. It's been getting a lot better already although not easy. I've even had to stay away from other people attached to my toxic family members too because they are a lability now too. I believe my inner child is proud of me for standing up for myself, pouring into myself, healing, seeking counseling, and setting up healthy boundaries. I believe I'm setting a positive example for others too.
Sending love and healing to those suffering through this sort of thing. 😔🙏❤🩹
🫂🙏🏾
❤️
I’m not Asian but have dated several Asian guys who all tend to be nice guys. The very first one traumatized the absolute shit out of me because of their people pleasing.
I think one of the worst parts of people pleasers/nice guys is that they inevitably do cruel and calculated bad behavior out of resentment and covert contracts, and they end up always having perfect excuses or justifications *because* they’ve been “nice.”
It's nice to hear someone being real about this. I've broken up with a lot of people pleasers and i always get flack for it but it's problematic on so many levels 😢 thanks Megan. I feel seen 🥰
5 minutes into the video and I am already getting more out of it than a session with a psychotherapist.
Another tea time with Megan yaaas
This is exactly my experience (not married to a Korean but to a different kind of collective-mindset Asian). It is very hard.
Thank you for the new Korean words! It helps my studies!❤
My Mom always wanted to "keep the peace" in the family, which made her sibs walk all over her. When I, as a young teen, admonished them for it (actually, I WENT IN on them, by letter), and they got mad about it, she tried to get me to stop.
My protective nature ended up saving her life. There were people (whom I pretty much ignored) telling me what a "good daughter" I was for the things I did. I ignored them bc I didn't care about anyone's praise, I just wanted my mom to have the best possible quality of life...but I still worked full-time and played in a working band.
As long as my (very independent) Mom never suffered, I was cool. My religion teaches that you don't do things for praise, and you don't brag abt it, which is also cool.
When my parents were alive, I never mentioned these things. However, I lived the life *I* wanted to live, by my rules. I WAS a "good daughter" but, outside of that, I was still my own person.
Bottom line, a people pleaser can raise a child who isn't one...but only if the parents raise their offspring to be an Independent Thinker.
There's hope...but it's not an easy ride.
Yeah! Thanks for sharing. Usually kids go opposite of the parents. If your mom was a people pleaser you recognized that she needed help and became a protector of sorts. It’s good that you are your own person but also help others. I think you found the right balance~ I bet your mom was so grateful for you standing up for her in the end.
I am not married but I have people like that in my family. There is a giver and there is a taker. I always giver and didn’t get anything back and always blamed on first. Takers don’t do anything but always get first from you.
I would describe myself as “nice,” with both the good and bad qualities that word evokes. I’m grateful to have gotten better at avoiding people pleasing and enmeshment with others as I’ve aged.
My husband helped me with that. He is kind but not what I would call “nice.” He is not rude, just assertive, direct, and honest. I feel bad that he got dragged into my unhealthy interactions with others over the years, but his “WTF?!” reaction to them helped me see how skewed my own perception was. I have good friends that helped in the same way.
This is honestly ground breaking for so many countries as well as Korea. Including the US. The reasons might differ, but the issues as a result of the situations remain the same.
Not "selfish", just know to say "No" or be taken advantage of continuously.
Facts in my family, I was doing things for my siblings and being extremely nice to my siblings but these folks were really messing around with me especially my brother’s wife until I had to switch it up and they were shook!😂😂.
They started saying they didn’t know I was this mean.
But guess what?
I don’t care cause I feel more sane and uncontrolled being the way I am now!😩🙏🏾😩.
Well some don’t look at it the same way due to cultural expectations and pressures
You look extra beautiful lately 😍✨🪬
❤❤❤
I learned this the hard way when I first came to Korea. The worst are two faced nice to everyone but behind closed doors are another face. 🙅🏼♀️🙅🏼♀️🙅🏼♀️ luckily I caught on very quickly and saved myself from that relationship
This is so accurate. I was in a relationship for 15 yrs with this type of person (they are American) and I just couldn't understand why I always felt like I came second, especially during difficult situations. And they were so "nice" so how could I blame them. I notice this "niceness" in Korean men in general as well. Megan's right, stay away!
Megan, please make more of these videos! They’re so helpful in so many ways! ❤
What other topics do you want to see?
Just yesterday I saw a video where the daughter complimented her mother by saying '"you are so nice, you always put others needs before yours aww" and they both almost started crying by how loving and kind the mother was by doing that and all I could just think abiut was ugh that's a real issue right there please don't get moved by it, mom might just be in the middle of developing a chronic illness and then you can curse the universe about how unfair it is for doing this to the nicest people..
People pleasers are exhausting to be around, and it is exhausting to be a people pleaser.
Embrace honesty and boundaries.
I'm distracted 😂 your hair is so stunning and long 💕
Don’t be fooled. It’s some clip ins
@@MrsMeganMoon I love! 😍 Where did you get them? I suck at doing my hair but I want to try some of these
Korean society needs to hear this. Are there other cultures that need to hear this?????
Speaking as an Italian, Italians! Esp the previous generation. The demands of my grandmother's generation were out of control and my dad's generation really went thru this. I hope my generation changes things.
Absolutely!
Unfortunately it’s Asian culture in general that needs to hear this 😢
It's better to be respected than to be considered nice, because sometimes to give yourself space to be a kind person you have to establish boundaries which may be uncomfortable for everyone else.
Back then, I use to do everything what my parents wanted and it got overwhelming for me and finally I started to say NO. I really needed to live my own life. So glad I got out of that environment.
Girl, this seems like a universal problem in my opinion. I quickly discovered that people don't like being challenged or having their views challenged, hence I've been referred to as rude by family members simply because I started setting my boundaries quite early. I can be kind but I recognise bullshit from a mile off and call people out on it. Of course, it hasn't always been like this but I'm a mother now, I can't afford for my daugher to grow up being a doormat. I've become even more stern now than before she was born, although I started recognising how my parents are people-pleasers and that I didn't want to be like them quite early. I've enjoyed more peace from cutting out toxic friends and family members than any other time in my life. Of course, it's sad how a lot of these relationships ended but it was necessary.
As a former people pleaser let me tell you when you discover the he power of “NO” it’s so liberating.
People tend to think that being a good son or a people pleaser translates into being a good hubby, so they encourage it. So much for the real life deal though😅 Thx for the video!
Great video Megan. Love yourself speak yourself. It’s a lifelong process for me.
Hey Megan, these topics are super interesting. Keep these videos coming, please 😂❤
I’m Christian but have a lot of respect for Buddhists. I think there is a stoicism in both religions, where we recognize the world is very flawed, but we can focus on making positive changes in it. That involves gratitude for the many beautiful things and ideas we encounter but also an effort not to cling too hard to temporary gifts.
I think there is more going on. I think the story about the 40-year-old man demonstrates how there is a perception on the part of the people-pleasers that they are incapable or destined to fail if they don't do what they people they feel beholden to say. I suspect the parents are deliberately undermining the (adult) child and putting them down in every way EXCEPT for the ways that directly benefit the parents. It's something that starts in childhood and leaves a massive scar, undermining their confidence in themselves and ability to make the necessary decisions and boundaries they need to in adult life because they feel like without their parents' approval, they won't be able to survive.
In my country, we have a saying for people like that: 'dark at home, a streetlamp outside.' Reflecting on those examples, I can better understand many of my dad's behaviors toward my mom. Just like you mentioned in the video, it's hard to help them because they’ll get angry if you point out what they’re doing wrong.
Wowww you are describing my family so accurately it’s almost scary. But I’m glad I’m not alone.
I love listening to you talk in depth about these semi-serious interesting topics + i dated many guys like this it was miserable
Yesssss toxic positivity is so unpalatable
The part of parents feeling betrayed after their children built a new family is rather interesting to me because in my religion, once a man got married his wife and children comes first before his parents. People who don't balance this or prioritise their parents to the point of neglecting their new family that they're now solely responsible for often get criticized by society.
This black and white thinking is just so prevalent in Korean society, but even in other Asian cultures such as Chinese, Japanese, and even Singaporean cultures. It is such a major form of stress for those who do not detach themselves from its toxic expectations.
Your outfit really brings out your eyes❤ are they hazel?
This was very good
i clicked so fast i think i even farted haha ,. good timing megan!
🤣🤣🤣
AYO
😂😂😂😂 thanks for coming and watching ❤❤
Dang Megan! Keep it up!!!
Love this type of content!! Teaches us a lot of interesting different new ways of doing analysis of ourselves and others. Pure gold! Love it!!!!
I am 34 and I am only now finding out what I 'want' it's crazy
This is so so so true! And I live in America lol. Thank God, my hubs decided to work on his people pleasing behaviors. It was long overdue.This whole video is accurate!
It is applicable all over Asia, honestly.
I love these types of videos you make. So interesting.
This was a great video!
Thank you Megan!!!! I am enjoying these topics!!! Please please keep it up! I want to add that this idea of 착간 남자 happens here also..it seems to happen if you attach yourself to what we call “Mama’s boy”…I have an 8 year old son and while I love him very much, I don’t want him to be a “mama’s boy” or a people pleaser”.
Urgh! As someone who lives in the west but comes from a collective community. Everything said i saw in my community. You also find overly giver, overly takers within family members and one individual is poured into. It’s so bizarre.
In the history of Korea has any dude’s mom actually slid a white envelope of cash across the table to a baddie? 😂
Early christmas gift in the form of a videooo, thank you❤
I've always wanted an inside POV on this in modern times, in a visibly collective society ✨️👀✨️
❤❤❤❤ yeah. That’s what I’m trying to serve these days. Thanks for watching and supporting
@MrsMeganMoon Always! It's comforting to see someone along their journey, even better than you work hard and maintain a level head wherever possible. I know that can't be easy, and I'm grateful you're still sharing with us. My best wishes to you and your family all over the world❤️
if you're a nice guy, stay a nice guy, focus on your work, do what you believe is the best thing to do and you'll eventually meet the right person for you
and you'll wake up every day knowing that you never lost your personal morals for sex or fame
Maybe your friend has already developed a deep relationship with his mom that he doesn't want to leave because he's already close to her used to her, knows what she likes, and another person, there's just too many unknowns. Your mom loves you no matter what and she already knows your weaknesses. A new person has no such requirement and you don't know if they will accept your weakness. A lot of weaknesses cannot be improved. So he might just be scared of the judgement a new partner would give him. Sometimes its no about people pleasing but emotional safety. Like maybe he doesn't want to learn how to do certain chores, he's just happy the way it is and that's fine. Maybe he won't tell you the real reason because its too vulnerable.
loved everything about this video even though I'm not in Korea and I'm not married to a Korean man, this phenomenon is universal I think. but your comments @14:00 sounds a bit off in my opinion. when you come from an individualistic culture, you can never convince a person who grew up in a collectivistic culture, raised by collectivistic parents, surrounded by collectivistic mindset to do the same as you. I come from a collectivistic culture and currently in another collectivistic culture (China). My Chinese friends would understand my relationship with my family because they have it too, but when I tell my European friends about my family problems, they always don't understand the logic behind it and always blame me for being too attached to my family. I cannot change that and will never change that, it is somehow guilt-tripping but I believe that my parents are my responsibility too. So the only way to solve family problems is to compromise, to understand that your parents are going to be there, like we say in my country: you can't remove your nose from your face. So compromising is the key, no need to cut ties or move far away just to prove that you're independent. so the best thing is first to understand your friend, second maybe guide him to find a middle solution, and third, please don't compare your situation to his because you both come from the opposite extreme ends of the spectrum. we also don't understand how Americans and Europeans leave their parents' houses at the age of 18, so young, hahaha.
When people interact with one another in a blind date setting, I hope that being respectful and kind isn't misunderstood as being a "nice guy" or as a person without personal boundaries-a people pleaser. The video message was really good and well put together, but I worry that those who need this advice might draw the opposite conclusion, missing the point that it's not really about being a "nice guy" or needing a "bad guy." We don't need another explanation like "Why Bad Guys Make the Worst Husbands in Korea: You Will Suffer" Part 2 several years from now.
People who are self-centered without being selfish represent a balanced way of interacting with others in life. Bad people tend to have strict boundaries for themselves but won't respect the boundaries of others. It's all about the boundaries.
Super interesting, & makes sense; thanks for sharing!
My husband and I were people pleaser. I’m now a recovering people pleaser but my husband is still very much a people pleaser. It’s hard.
Yeah. It can be hard :( I’m glad you are growing. And maybe your husband will see you and will grow from it one day. Best of luck to you guys
Oh my, this is helpful for American’s ❤
In the culture it wasn’t just a one way thing it would be equal measures. A 50/50 with family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, acquaintances of giving, sharing and doing each other favors
One thing is being kind and another totally different is being nice.
Parent's like that are extremely selfish! Parents should live to raise their children to live healthy and independent! The ultimate idea is for children to leave the nest, the coup. You can't stay with your mama till you're 40 because she had an unhappy marriage, for goodness sake. Parents need a bit of emotional intelligence too.
Parents who demand from their children, time, or money or to treat them like a service of sorts, a playback, in Western culture, you're going to grow old alone! It's called emotional blackmailing!
My husband tends to be a do-gooder, but only up to a point, then he sais to hell with that. I'm the firecracker who points out the toxic or selfish actions. I'm extremely "selfish" in that regard. If you're using me for your own gain, don't expect anything in future. It's not conducive to a healthy, happy life. Marriage is a complex dimanics that requires mutual effort and respect. No way in heaven and on earth would I choose my parents above my spouse or children. Neither would I welcome destructive in-laws, come hell or high water.
We should respect our elders, but not at the cost of your marriage or own hapiness! You create your own hapiness. Once you're married, my advice, after 27 years of marriage, is to cut parents off who wrap an imbecile cord around you. It's not natural. My parents were protective of me, but once I set healthy boundaries they respected that. The know me and understand my mindset. That's what's important in the end is that you respects your children and their own space! I raised my kids the same, they need to be healthy, responsible adults ..... who are happy.
I'm absolutely loving these videos! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Love these types of videos. Thank you ❤
Thank you for this video ❤❤
15:24 This is why I say some people have kids for selfish reasons.
They want someone to love them and to control.
So they have a kid, who will grow up and leave 🧐?
See they think love means you will always be around and be present. You have to be able to let go of things and people you love. Otherwise you will never live a full life.
I don’t think it’s been selfish. I think the mother-in-law‘s being selfish but I think that it’s a shame that it happens in the states too. I think people need to stand up for themselves and not be bothered with other people what they think just the speaker, her teacher her teacher told her that you are never going to be a writer you can’t, speak the word of English just go figure out something else. This woman is now a professor of English. She is a speaker. She listen to other people would’ve never went and left her authentic self.
This was eye-opening; with my own people pleasing and people I've known before.
Yes!!
Gossiping time! 🎉🎉😂😂
Maybe less gossip. Just one gossip but mostly info in this one hehe. But maybe I can do some stories of how these situations got bad. I’ve heard of many of them
@@MrsMeganMoon would love it if you could.
And this is definitely not just a SK thing. The "nice guy" problem is everywhere.
And the children get the hurt as well. Badly.