Toxic Family Structure: Are You An Only Child? Psychotherapy Crash Course
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- Опубліковано 2 сер 2024
- I like studying families. When I first began my career almost 11 years ago, I found myself running away from any counseling work involving family dynamics. You may be asking yourself why. Well, because I didn't want to be the therapist that sat between arguing family members every single week.
I studied people like Virginia Satire and Murray Bowen. I really tried to understand how to get in between toxic family members. With the help of Salvador Minuchin's structural family therapy, I could better understand the complicated puzzle pieces that go into the development and maintenance of healthy relationships.
In this video, I discuss the only child and some of the dynamics that play into an only child.
I welcome your thoughts, comments and experience.
Visit me on social media:
- Twitter @therapisttee
- Facebook @anchoredchild
*Apologies for lighting.
#anchoredchild #mentalhealth #tamarahilllpc
Im so happy to find this video. Everyone wants to call you "lucky" or "spoiled", but no one ever talks about how crippling being an only child can be.
this.
I’m an only child
It’s been rough
I believe you! I'm sorry.
@@TherapistTamaraHill I was a golden child one minute to my dad, and yelled at the next by him.
My mom was emotionally unavailable
It's nice to me. My mother had 13 siblings. It is 13 of them left, and the sibling rivalry between the sisters is horrific. I don't have to deal with any of that. Smh. They can keep and have all of that.
@@TherapistTamaraHill I can't give my child a sibling I had multiple miscarriages. Will my daughter hate me for this later on?
That's tough for sure. I'm sorry. It is hard to determine what she may think in the years to come. You can't control that, sadly. Buy you can be open with her as she grows older.
I’ve always hated being the only child. No one knows the struggle of an only child.
I'm an only child and enjoyed this video but had almost the opposite experience- I was neglected and left alone and now as an adult it's hard for me to live with other people, roommates etc because I never had others around growing up.
Thank you. Glad this video could relate to you. And I'm sorry you had to experience this. I find, in my work, that single kids (or kids without siblings) can often be neglected more than if the single kid had a sibling. It's almost as if some parents feel that they don't have to be "too responsible" for the single kid because they can handle themselves. It's a dynamic I have seen a few times. Very sad.
Nova and the Ghost, you didn't have others around? Didn't you live with your parents?
yeh same.
@@renealexander2703 even with people around u can still be alone...I was an only child my mother used to like going out and my father worked hard at the steel mill when he wasn’t working most of his time he and my mother played Softball and every other sport...I had the option to go sit at the hot ass park allllll day or stay at grandmas...my grandma was like a mother to me...dad took me places they both did but they did them a lot...they had friends over a lot...most of the time I sat alone in my room playing with alllllll my toys and developing my artistic skills and spirituality at a very young age...now they were good parents as for taking good care of me and played with me at times BUT they fought very bad every other day...I saw too much, and I was emotionally neglected, verbally abused by my mom and later step mother...that’s what messed me up! Then they got a divorce and that’s a whole nutha story...many times I felt alone inside and I was venting to flying monkeys and narcissistic aunts n uncles and they made me crazy!!!
Opposite for me too. Cant say I was neglected in a bad sense, I got the basics of what was needed to survive and I was loved, parents both worked full time so I was given a key and expected to fend for myself from the age of 9 until they got home. One could argue there was some neglect I guess. I stood out from the other kids and didn't get invited to play activities or friendship groups so withdrew into my shell. There was also a degree of bullying that occurred. That didn't help matters. Didn't have an older sibling to threaten bullies with lol. I was still affected as an adult. I prefer my own company or that of my immediate family (children/grandchildren). You wont find me in social situations. I was also prone to periods of stress. My late husband who had siblings was the opposite to what I was, but married over 30 years so we found a lot of common ground I guess. :)
I am an Only Adult child and it's been challenging. I have found other Onlies typically have at least one emtionally unstable parent, myself included. My heart goes out to the others that have been having a similar experience.♥️
I am an only child. I had a wonderful childhood and my adulthood is no different.
Holy. Shit. When you got to your point about getting to 21 and spiraling after years of "this is what your life should look like" / "make a decision about your career and stick to it" a true pit developed in my stomach. My entire life I have been told "once you set your mind to something - you will be the best at it" has left a crippling fear of making THAT decision. It's nice to know that i'm not totally alone in this, and that it has been identified as a true only child struggle. Thank you so much for this video.
Absolutely. You're welcome! A lot if people, primarily young people, feel this way but are never validated.
Negative experience for me... being constantly judged by others as a spoiled child and so it's rare to see persons who accept as i am and my story.. i began to accept that something was wrong with me
People are bigots.
yeh i hate this concept but as soon as i hear it, i know the person i'm dealing with is absolutely stupid.
I'm an only child from an emotionally abusive and sometimes physically abusive family. I feel emotionally crippled
I'm so sorry. This is a difficult position to be in. It's traumatizing to say the least. I do hope you can reach out to a psychotherapist, if you haven't already, to help you heal.
I feel emotionally crippled also. The adult parts of me are dead and I am trying so hard to resurrect them. I have the Cinderella Complex and it is sad.
Me too. I’m here with you. ❤
I hate being the only child. I’m a child of a single parent and sometimes I wish I was never born😔
I can’t even talk to my dad through the phone without crying.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me right now
I'm so sorry. This is tough. Most of the kids I see for counseling end up saying the very same thing. It's tough when all of the attention is on you and you may even begin to feel like the only target.
me too😓, I wish I wasn’t born, my father is in jail + my moms a single strict mom.
@@queenscorpio7473 awww. I'm sorry. Hang on. Things won't be this way always.
literally same. I hate it here
thank you for this. only children who especially come from single parent and working class families have a very unique experience of human relationships. at 25 I am living life with the reality of not having any familial grounding. my father has BPD and my mum would also emotionally lash out and depend on me. we have nowhere to go and we can feel like lifelong nomads or pariahs, not knowing how to have stable relationships. there is a lot to heal here within me, but to have this as a sounding board is the first step.
Yes, you're welcome!
I agree with this line: "only children who especially come from single parent and working class families have a very unique experience of human relationships. "
Very true. I'm just sorry to hear you have experienced this.
I’m an adult now but am an only child and I did not experience any of this. I loved my childhood
I loved my childhood as well.
im very happy i found this video and see that others can relate to me.
That's great!! Glad it was helpful.
Is this really an only child problem or is this more a bad parenting problem. I think this is a bad parenting problem!
It can be both.
yes but as an only child you don't have anyone to share that experience with.
Exactly. I have a sibling....and I grew up in a toxic family dynamic my whole childhood. My dad was an alcoholic and my mom stayed because we had no money. A sibling definitely didn’t make my issues disappear. I often wonder if my mom would have gotten me out of that toxic life if it were only me and she didn’t have 2 kids to look after. My daughter might not have a sibling, but she will have 2 parents who love each and a healthy household to live in. The grass isn’t magically greener because you have a sibling.
Imo it can be both but everything is more magnified when you’re an only child. One thing I used to hate about not having siblings is that when my parents would get angry and act up I had to deal with that all by myself. Everything mentioned in the video happened to me and I had no support. I noticed with my friends who had siblings, that even if they weren’t the closest, they still had some sort of support for each other bc their siblings knew how awful or how crazy their parents could get. Idk if this makes sense lol. There was no one in my house who could relate to me because I was the only one who had to deal with their outbursts.
This made me realized that I been really consumed by mom and. I need therapy ASAPPPP
Interesting. My husband and I are both only children. I was very isolated with just my parents but my husband was really involved with sports and extra curricular activities. We turned out very differently lol
@@alexandradominguez38 , prisoners who r isolated for to long lose social skills and turn in them self and cutting ties with the outside world to not get insane. Your husband had a lot of social contact and humans around him. I was isolated as a kid to and I see the difficultys
@@davidduck3652 Sorry you went though that as well, it's very lonely 😔
@@alexandradominguez38 yes I know.. I'm 23 now and like the Dr sad I'm flirting with drugs daily, but not to feel "freedom" maybe in a sense, i use dem to function in work life and all that so they give me a lil freedom. Without any substance i couldn't even function with this crippling anxiety, depression and self loathing.. stay strong we are difficult, i lost a 4y relationship with smbd who I loved but it was to much for her and can't blame nobody when Im my biggest enemy myself. Wish you much love strength and strength because there is no way around it ! Keep it pushin !
I don't think the problem is because you are the only child, but the type of parent you have. My parents were emotionally unavailable and super controlling. Both my brothers have many issues including myself as adults that require extensive therapy.
exactly. it's the type of parent however if you're on your own and you don't have someone else to share the experience with, it's much harder.
Ummm okay
But you still had siblings, you have no idea what it is to live as an only child.
Thank you for this video. All the points hit home run in my case. I am grown up, 21 and I have moved out of my house but I still can't change my perspective about the world, make quick decisions, be confident about my choices and connect with people.
The extraordinary pressure that I felt from 2 people wanting me to succeed in every aspect of life and being disappointed when I didn't was exhausting. Thanks for the video again:")
You're welcome and thank you for sharing this! :)
It sounds like, while you felt you were ready to leave home, you weren't as ready as you thought. I have so many youths your age who moved out too soon. I didn't consider myself a fully grown adult until around age 27! So many youths are pushed out to achieve, as you point out, too soon. Having parents who want the best for you, and yet, are pushing you too far can be traumatizing.
Hang in there! Don't feel bad if you need to slow things down. It's normal!
I am only child and though no one's life is perfect, overall I can say I had a happy childhood and have great adult relationship with my parents, especially my mother (she is an amazing woman though so perhaps I just got lucky). I think there is a confirmation bias in the data here, because you only ever see the unhappy proportion of only children when you are therapist. The overprotective thing is more function of the parents than the number of siblings.
I had a friend who was one of three and she was never allowed to do anything....her parents were super religious and wouldn't even let them buy magazines as teenagers...I have never been to therapy myself but this video just popped up in my feed, and felt the need comment in order "balance the data so to speak". I guess I could see how over protectiveness is more common in problem parents of only children, in the same way perhaps sibling bullying/lack parental attention might be more common in people with older or multiple siblings.
I will say though that parents of only children do need to ensure that their kids have lots of other kids around them to play with - playdates, activities etc when they are not in school. So if the parents are lazy/don't think about helping their kid socialise then their will obviously be problems...
so so true
I think we need to band together to create one place where we can find resources. When you see everyone else living their lives - it seems so much of that thrives on the idea that you have an equal in your family dynamic and I feel like because of that it’s hard for people to understand why we notice that and why we wish we had that. It’s SO HARD.
My husband and I are very laid back parents with an only child. He’s four and everything you described does not apply to us. It feels unfair to be so reductionistic to parents of one child. There are children with siblings and without siblings who have parents that act as you described but it comes down to the parents raising them.
Only child to a single mother. I think she has either NPD OR BPD. I cut her out of my life 2 years ago and I haven't looked back.
I had to be her partner, her best friend, her business partner, her parent. And I got scolded in return if I ever fell out of line. Now I life completely for me, I don't fear upsetting people or being alone. I was put here to please myself and no one else.
I was born 1960, parents circa 1930, so my perspectives are of a previous generation or so. Other factors unique to my situation:
- I was decidedly NOT an only by choice. 1960's blue collar row house Philly families like mine were typically 3 - 5 kids min. My Mom had multiple very late term miscarriages, one before me, 3 after me. Probably weighed on her heavily.
- I found out much later in life I am Autism Spectrum Disorder Type 1 (aka Hi Funct Autism / Asperger's Syndrome). In retrospect my parents were a little "on the spectrum" as well. I had a VERY difficult childhood, always a "problem child", in trouble, disruptive, no attention span, never got assigned work done, couldn't deal with peers, a chronic loner / weirdo, but was a genius at math, excellent memory, got caught up in my own obsessions about history, science, trains, ships, airplanes, military gear, etc.
So, in response to your video, I will go subject by subject:
- Over protection: My Mom was definitely like this, but my Dad was an Uber Alpha Male Sicilian Masonry Contractor, truck driver, teamster, all around Wise Guy, also a natural gifted athlete who almost made the major leagues. He was MORTALLY afraid I was not going to be sufficiently Macho thruout my childhood. Pushed me into sports (I was HORRIBLE, had bad astigmatism, no depth perception), pushed me into learning his trades (which was a good thing later in my civil engineering career), made me climb rickety scaffolding with many of the pins missing 2-1/2 stories up, boards barely long enuff to span, to reach out to scrape paint, apply paint or plaster, angry wasps & carpenter bees buzzing around my head. I had to do it, knees quaking in fear, lest I cross him or fall to my death, a preferable outcome lol.
- Strict Expectations: Well once I Sucked at sports Dad lost any interest really, except for teaching me his trades, which made me a useful cheap employee lol. Mom, on the other hand, had HUMUNGOUS expectations for me! Her father's family had been low level "blue blood" Scotch who'd been sent to Ireland to rule in the wake of Oliver Cromwell's conquest of Ireland, but her father had been excommunicated from his Presbyterian family for eloping & marrying their lower caste Irish Catholic washer woman/maid. So my Mom grew up poor, but always craved that privileged blue blood lifestyle. She had a career for awhile as a secretary in swanky bank & brokerage offices in the late 50's before marrying my Dad (how she ended up with a Sicilian is beyond me lol) so rubbed elbows with those types, who never considered her "marrying stock" as she was half Irish.
Sooooo, she wanted that Swanky lifestyle for me, & had it all laid out: Catholic school all the way, Villanova MBA & law degree, corporate lawyer/CEO, deacon at the church, president of Rotary Club, member of prestigious country club, hobnob with the movers & shakers, house in the swanky 'burbs, marry into a wealthy blue blood family (with a Sicilian last name? lol), 2.5 perfect children, mansion in the 'burbs, white picket fence.
Twas not to be tho - multiple Catholic schools kicked me out after only a few weeks - too disruptive & disobedient - the last one told her I was possessed by demons & needed an exorcist. Instead, I attended public school, still had problems there, but eventually straightened out enuff to master math & science, go to public university, earn degrees in civil, structural, environmental engineering, go on to a wildly successful 35 year career with a State DOT designing & managing large transportation infrastructure projects.
But for her - not good enuff. Engineering was too "blue collar". One of her old jobs was working for engineers at 3M. "Their clothes were old & frayed & out of style. They spoke poorly & didn't look you in the eye. They didn't care about making money. They were obsessed with their technical tasks & jargon" So I was a lifetime disappointment to my Mom. No matter how successful I was, she was always like "if only you'd succeeded better, you could have gotten a law degree from an ivy league school & really made money & had prestige". Like Johnny Carson & Quentin Tarantino's moms, there was just no pleasing her.
- Helicopter: This wasn't a factor until I got married (3rd relationship - I was a late bloomer) in 1992 at age 32. The first couple years were decent, I actually opened up to my parents & tried to bring them into our lives, we were planning on having kids too. But my Mom really really REALLY HATED HATED HATED my wife, like, FERALLY!!! Part of it being, for my mom, she was part "brown person" (not the desired "blue blood" - yes my parents were a tad racist - silent gen - duh), also, a similar status working/middle class family, not the Wealth she desired. My Mom treated my wife HORRIBLY for years, my wife put up with Hell, I tried to smooth things over between both of them, to no avail. My Dad was of no help, he just stayed aloof, didn't really care. When I got divorced 10 years later, much of the reason my wife left was my mother, it was THAT bad!!!
Parentified Child: Yeah my parents were both probably a bit Hi Funct Autistic so they didn't have friends at all, just business associates & such. Nor did they cultivate any sort of social life for me. We moved to a house in the burbs that was isolated on a very busy state highway where there weren't any other kids my age. Literally the worst of any situation to be an autistic only child in. When I eventually did go away to college I got a crash course in growing up fast but actually, despite some painful awkward experiences, did pretty well
This so interesting and so eye opening. It was just my mom and I when I was growing up. My parents were divorced and my dad died suddenly. I almost had no social groups growing up, all my moms friends were older and their children were in their teens so she felt there was no one around my age she could trust. I didn't have a support Person other than her and my grandmother which lead me to some pretty awful romantic relationships in my teens, I thought it was the only way I could get someone to care and talk to me. I am now 21 and struggling to keep friendships, I have almost no one from my childhood or my hometown I can talk to, and no relationship with my cousins of the same age. It's crippling, it took me three years of college to make a very small group of friends and I am constantly worrying those friendships won't last because I have no experiences keeping relationships in my life. Other than my mom, and even my relationship with her is hard most of the time. I have constant anxiety, and worry when I make mistakes people won't forgive me because that was the m.o growing up, so whenever I make a mistake I recede and lose relationships. It's hard I don't understand anything with people most of the time. I studied psych in college so that helped but it's still so hard. Lesson to be learned if you have an only child please please do what she says and socialize them, it really sucks growing up alone.
I'm sorry for your loss Alexis. That's tragic.
You point out an important point which is that only children may sink into depression without the supports around them that they need. If they don't have access to that, as you point out, then they end up in negative relationships.
The most important thing for you, Alexis, may be to build strength within yourself to be okay with being alone. Even those without your background suffer loss of friendships, family, etc. No one is going to be with us forever and as difficult as that is to accept, we have to be okay with being alone.This mindset helped me years ago when I was your age and felt the same fear of losing the relationships I had.
Take care
the way i relate to this had me speechless, and its the first time i come across someone speaking of similar experiences in detail, teared me up. i hope youre in a good place in your life and growing
I am glad I saw this video. We have only our daughter. She is 4. My husband totally hovers. I am glad I push her to speak up and have her voice. I want her to take all the risks and enjoy her life. I look forward to more videos on the subject, even if it might be hard to listen to, self reflection can be tough.
Very much agree. This can be hard to digest as a parent but needed for most families.
The thing is my parents are not super focused on me because I’m an only child. I feel like if I had siblings, my working parents would pay more attention to us because we’d be more of a handful. I actually AM kind of spoiled because they buy me everything I want to make up for not paying attention to me. But I still had no one to play with and no one to talk to. The pandemic has been an isolating hell.
Sometimes I feel like it would be better if my parents divorced because I’d imagine they’d kind of be forced to hang out with me?? Like if I only saw my dad once a week, he’d pay more attention right? Because I currently talk to him for about ten minutes every day.
god that must be hard
I hope it gets better for you
I'm a only child at 23 and it's been very hard for me. No one to talk to when you get home. No one to strike a convo. After covid I feel like my talking skills got destroyed since I was by my self for years. Also on my 21st birthday I was by my self. I hope if you become a parent. You don't have have one child.
My parents had me and just left me all alone. They were as emotionally distant from me as you could be. I never felt like I had any family I could confide in or felt safe with. I felt like my dad’s emotional punching bag.
I'm sorry you're experiencing that, i had similar experience and tried to give reason... it's the fact that we're the only thing thats front of them to blow everything on which is an immature behavior but some parents fall for that. know that it will get better in some way, and in other ways theyre meant to shape you into a strong figure that nothing and no one can break. its a long journey and i wish you the best
Many only children families are also dysfunctionally toxic.
Can you do a video on only children of histrionic/ narcissistic parents? And how it affects them in adulthood ♡
Great topic!! yes.
Grew up in the 80s and 90s as an undiagnosed autistic child. A lot of my autistic traits were blamed on me being an only by family and teachers. My meltdowns were spoiled child tantrums, my social difficulties were because I wasn't socialized with siblings, etc.
I have an only child which is why Im encouraging him to be social, freedom etc. 🥴 This is true for any toxic parenting regardless of how many children but I guess..
This is a good approach. I think it's good to encourage the child, if they are naturally that way, to be social and get out, travel, explore, etc. Only kids can go through A LOT so it's good when the parents are aware of that as it appears you are.
Interesting. I wanted to see what UA-cam has on this subject. I’m a 29 Banker from London. Shit was rough, social life took a dip at 16 which made me double down on other curiosities like trading/financial markets which ultimately led to a career long commitment lol.
As parents get older, health worsens and bills double, I am rarely smiling. But here to trying to connect dots. Thanks for this video.
When i was 5 years old my father took me from my mother with her conscent, to live with him and his new wife.
It quickly bacame apparent to me that she took an instant dislike to me, more like hatered. She had four children of her own. Anyway the abuse started off almost immediately making me stand in the corner of the room facing the wall for absolutely no reason that a five year old child would understand anyway. The days went on with low level mental abuse, well to a five year old boy it was devastating. My father was a long distant driver so all this abuse took place when he was out, but he could see that I was unhappy there. So her four children started to bully me and attacked me in the house. They had a dog that use to nip me, and they would all just laugh. I started to hear her mother say to her, "Why don't you just dump him somewhere." So after a year of mental tourment at the hands of everyone in that house, she finally decided to take her mothers advice and dump me on the street I was only 6 years. So Social services placed me with a foster family but after a year the moved me to a children's home. That was a blow to me because I became part of a loving family. When I was 8 years old they moved me to another children's gome where I stayed for 8 years. I left the children's home when I was 16, then they moved me to another children's home for a year, then when I was 17 they moved me to an half way house to get me use to an independant life. I left the care system as I went in feeling alone, worried, & affraid. Of course i have not put every awful experience in this post. Thank You.........................
oh lord. sorry for your experience. that's terrible.your father is a disgrace. he should probably be in jail. i hope you find therapy to help you undo the brainwashing. good luck in life. you deserve the world. x
Thank you so much for this video young lady it's the best that I've seen I recently even at my age of 63 Been Looking Backward in my life and seeing made mistakes and and the pressure did make me snap fortunately I was able to complete a career with the Postal Service but I do have a great degree of neediness and need for acceptance I returned to therapy in the last 2 weeks excellent job thank you I went the route that you mentioned I got into sort of undesirable choices in company
Thank you Mister Vince! I'm glad this was helpful. I may return to this topic and provide a better quality video now.
I think most people look back, as you shared, as they become wiser/older seniors. My mom has done the same and I think that's where emotional liberation is found. It all clicks. And the drive to live out the rest of your life in peace is most likely triggered by the insights you gain.
Take care
Freedom. A beautiful word that sounds like a wonderful land I can't go to. Like a peaceful, fascinating new world with magic and brighter colours than on a sunny day in summer. After all the things that have been I still feel like someone got myself trapped and as if I see my catcher everyday, say "I love you" only to avoid this cold and terrifying area, the shame, the giult and everything in repeat. I thought I would get my freedom from projection, gaslighting and being the garbage of the person who captured me. Even after trying to get professional help (some kind of CPS, I'm not from GB or the US so I don't know it exactly) I still feel hopeless.
*This was therapeutic. Being an only child @ 44. One thing I can say is we learn or evolve late becoz of overprotection & love.*
I hate being a only child and I have a single mom and I have no friends I hate it.
I'm so sorry. It is a lonely place to be in.
Gia is a floof, that has nothing to do with being an only child. What if you had a sibling who disliked you?
@@renealexander2703 bro this comment was like a year ago 😂 💀
@@JaZzyGfUnK0 , okay. Do you feel differently now?
@@renealexander2703 💀 sorta but im just lonely
I am an only child with loads of cousins.....like about 50 of them all together. I believe cousins are overlooked, underappreciated and underestimated. The only child labeled is ignorant to me. It seems like it's tge childs fault for being the only when it's not. Some aren't fortunate to have siblings. However, cousins will always be around. Cousins have a huge wide range from being surrogate parents, siblings, to best of friends. Cousins should get a lot of props.
I am glad that one person’s experience and situation is not another’s. I am a mother to my one and only daughter and by God’s grace she will be exactly who God wants her to be because I am not having another child shame. She can have her cousins as her brothers and sisters and I believe with all my heart that she is going to turn out just fine.
My mother thought the same and look at me now, 21 years old and absolutely screwed up emotionally and relationally.
Smh
Selfish to say the least
This is the story that i have. my alll grandparents had dead before i came down to the earth and i dont have any proper relatives whoo i could contact with them since my childhood Thus, i have tried to see my parents’ close friends as an aunt and uncle. After a while, I finally screwed up
In contrasts, i have never have normal family being or family due to my parents characteristics as well as their life style thoughts and super individualistic being etc. In spite of a everything , today my mom did confess that it shouldn’t have worked like this on the other hand our europeanish life style could remain me unfamiliar to the society i live in. At this point for me : this is the worst part of being only child in a strange family dynamic
I grew up a latchkey kid in a low income neighborhood. Always had lots of friends around but was judged as being spoiled or selfish simply cause I had no siblings. Truth is my parents split when I was young and probably realized they don’t want to be parents or have a family.
thankful for you for making this video and spreading awareness.. kept thinking if id send this to my parent but its too late. i wish they saw this when i was a kid. now im 22 thankfully overcame many things but still in battles.
You're welcome! We certainly do need more awareness of this dynamic, I agree.
I'm an only child to a single parent and my mom has been home for about 6hrs a day since I was 3. Work was scarce and so I was locked in the apartment for days before someone would come home or distant cousins would come visit. Moved around on a yearly basis till 16 and in all that time people have come in and left my life. I dont know any other life and I appreciate all the people whom come in and taught be valuable lessons but I'm still lost.
People have no idea how it feels being an only child who isn't privileged or has both sets of parents who show affection.
Nadia T that's terrible. It's so lonely when you finally realize that despite all the people who have come in and out of your life you are still empty. Still lost. Still hurting. That loneliness truly may be a void that only your mother could fill. It's tough, as you put it, being an only child and being an only child with little emotional support from the main parent. There needs to be more research studies on the emotional and psychological development of only children of single parents who are rarely around.
@@TherapistTamaraHill yes I mostly see either the good or bad but it's always with 2 parents or single parents who had help from grandma or other family members.
I feel like my mom never got love from her parents or her husband so she doesn't know how to truly love me even if I say something.
I have one very traumatic memory from age 3 when I awoke from a nap and no body was home. I called and eventualy cried myself to sleep multiple times that day before I realized that nothing will change and I need to stop crying. Mom did come home but she was out of 8 children so she or my family get how it feels to be alone.
Can you relate to this topic?
I am a middle child so things were a bit different for me.
However, I am the only girl and this dynamic created so many issues with an envious sibling over the years.
Family roles: ua-cam.com/video/7adZC6OJtCw/v-deo.html
Guess I'm an outlier. I liked being an only child. Especially when I went to friends house and saw their sibling dynamics (positive or negative). I sometimes wished I had an older brother buuuut that quickly vanished. I was content with friends and my cousins and I's relationships. After a full day of interacting with friends/family I could go home and not be bothered BUT I DID (DO) have a helicopter mother! Very very overprotective.
Tay M you point out that we, as humans, are often subjected to the "grass is greener on the other side" mentality. We always want something we don't necessarily need or want just because it looks good. I think a child, like myself, with siblings can sometimes feel shuffled around in the family. But an only child can feel lonely and depressed in some cases. It really just depends on the family dynamic, the type of child you are, and how much involved your parents are as well.
Tay M, I like being an only child too.
@@TherapistTamaraHill , a family with siblings can feel lonely and depressed too.
One of my neighbors is always trying to make play dates, events, girl scoots to make sure they're only child has other kids to play with.
The mom makes comments that all my kids have each other. Ever since the shut down in March 2020 the only child has not stepped foot into a classroom but is doing on line learning. I rarely see her leave the house. Not even in the backyard to play.
That's a bit overwhelming to everyone to say the least. And perhaps even selfish. Making playdates is okay in its place.
I'm the only child. Born overseas to military parents. So I didn't meet family in the states til a year in a half. Then moved around a lot. Parents got separated, then dad had a new child on the way we're 11yrs apart she's the only child to her mom as well. My son father is the only child to his mom. My son is the only child to me. Only challenge now is I'm not so close to my family anymore or half sister no longer with my child dad. Don't communicate with my dad enough but me and my mom is really close. She let me live my life. I always felt I didn't have the strict guidance my parents trusted every decision I made. But I felt I needed a lil lead at those young tender ages. Now I look forward to moving many miles away from my parents where I have cousins spreaded out if we want to link up. I'm excited about this it'll be me n my 17yr old son. Bigger cities more opportunities hope to meet great friends that want to go out to museums or for coffee.
Thank you for sharing your story. I think a lot of adult kids want to move away from their toxic families in order to gain some freedom from the toxicity. Sometimes that's the best way to go and it doesn't have to be forever. But if it is forever, it's probably best.
This is interesting, I’m have an only child. I was an only child for 13 years and enjoyed it, I’m a loner by nature , I wonder what life would have been like if I never had siblings right in to adulthood.
I hated being an only child
I am a loner too & introvert it want until my 20s and I realized being a only child 100% affects your development sometimes for better or worst
I'm an only child. I am 27 white and male. Your video is fascinating psychologically. I am an alcoholic with a failing liver. I have a few years left. The doctors say 2 to 3. If I made a reaction video to your video would you be willing to provide your opinions? I don't want people to end up like me. If I can provide information while I still can it would help me be at peace.
Hello, I’m so sorry no one responded. How are you?? Have you stopped drinking? I hope a miracle happened for you. Please update us.
I hope you don’t suffer any longer. Whatever it takes for you to be at peace, I hope you receive it.
yup had controlling parents...especially my helicopter mom...now after they both passed from cancer...it is hard to make decisions and basically don't want to screw things up...I probably should see like a life coach or something
I'm sorry for your loss. That's tough. It's almost as if they didn't teach you or prepare you for when you no longer have them. That can be crippling. I've seen it so many times.😔
Everyone's experience is different. There's no one size fits all approach. I have a 1 year old and I'm one and done. I don't want to do it again. I'm here for him and I let him be to give him some independence but he'll be alright. Let's not forget that kids are expensive as hell too.Edited: I'm married and we share duties and responsibilities. And it's still hard.
Agree. Very good points.
Why did you have a kid in the first place? 21F only child here and I absolutely hate it for reasons you probably can’t empathise with.
Will he have any family around his age? I don't and it sucks. There are things you just can't share with older/younger family members.
@@ellispiper6313 yeah he has cousins ages 3 and 6 who live 10 mins away.
I respect your choice to have 1 child but I hope and pray you two as parents aren't like over 40.
I just realized today that only child syndrome is a thing..... Mine is a twist though because I was in a very abusive environment with a abusive mother and rotating family and friends.
Any advice to cope?
I'm sorry to hear this. I think counseling may be helpful, even if short-term. Exploring what this means, how it impacts you or impacted you, and how to move forward may be needed to cope better.
It's hard to say.
Wow I would have thought I wrote that I can absolutely relate an I must say finding a good therapist changed my life I’m much happier and love myself , I’m not there all the way yet I miss not having bonds or that person that’s always there for you but I’m getting there an learning not to push people away and find out how to make better healthier ones
There is no only child syndrome. That's like saying there is a black syndrome.
Can you please do a video about only children of single moms?
I will certainly add it to the list. You may find this video close to what you are looking for too: ua-cam.com/video/5N7YvfMLoxE/v-deo.html.
Great thor ough informative video thank you
You're welcome!! Thanks for watching.
😭 so helpful
My situation is on the extreme side. I am an only child but I was also a Ward of the State from birth so I did not have parental influence
I do have a question in regards to what you mentioned for parents to get their children involved...what If those parents do not go that route and rather make school and home the only places the child can go to, as well as the over protection being so much so they need to be monitored in situations where they are allowed to do said activities. Would this more be close to enmeshment ? Would that be narcissistic parenting? What do you see happening to said child as to approach adulthood ? It's a fascinating topic that brings many questions.
I am an only child and I completely disagree with this video. I was researching videos on only children, but I found a video that really speaks to parenting style. The statements in this video are generalizations of "Only Children" but ate not inclusive to only children with responsive, supportive, authoritarian parents. There's already a bad connotation with the phrase "only child." We don't need this added to the list of misconceptions!
"Misconception"? ... Not at all. If a child makes it out of (is given the Privilege to avoid) abject poverty by being adopted by caring wealthy people, the overwhelming majority of the other (who didn't get a lucky break) [impoverished] children's experiences are the Rule, whereas the Lucky child who was kept from experiencing that life is the exception.
The misconception would be if you & other outliers' experiences were painted as the standard experience for what it means to be an Only child, because you are an exception rather than the Rule.
i am 15 years old
with 4 siblings
its so weird
because they are all older than me
I am an only child. I am about to turn 25 next month and I am beginning to struggle with it. I have two half brothers from my dad but he left them when they were kids.They are both almost 40 and I am just now starting to have a relationship with them. My mom was wonderful but my dad was a Narcissist (Took me until about two years ago to realise) and we havent talked in about a year because of his new wife. She just fuels the fire.
I’m an only child I spend most of the time with my grandparents
That's not a bad thing if they are great grandparents!
I had no siblings. When my cousins would spend the summer with us, I never wanted them to leave🥲
But that's too clingy. That's not a good thing.
@@renealexander2703 she/he is just speaking their truth.
What are the only children like, that display avoidant attachment behaviour as adults? What drives them to that and what is the best way to interact with them?
This is a great question and I don't think one answer is good enough. This is a new video for sure. I might incorporate this into my upcoming topic on trauma and parental relationships coming up in August. Stay tuned.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you
You're welcome!
Could you talk about when siblings are not close in age? Ex:5+ years difference. The older develops his personality ( in the first years) as an only child and once he become a teenager he will not be very motivated in playing and sharing with the baby sibling, the second child grows up following a model that is too distant from him. Isn’t that a situation potentially even more problematic than being an only child?
I had no siblings for 13 years. Maybe it’s coz I am African, but the only time I was alone was in the evenings, and that didn’t Matter coz it was TV time, and then soon after it was time for bed. Most of the day I’d be in the streets playing with my friends, literally all day till the street lights went on. The only effect I notice is that while I don’t mind being around people ... I don’t want to be around them for too long.
Mike Elward
1 minute ago (edited)
it made me a local- i remember when i first understood what college was and thought what! people go to different states and leave their parents alone to go to school? it was absurd to me- ended up at local schools etc it never mattered because i never felt leaving to go away was a real option- other than that the benefits were many although once both parents are i gone a feel like it will be weird
Soooo true
I can vouch for most of what she says
Imaging being an only child and having a father have a another family and forgot you existed. Pretty fun
So spot on with this.
Thanks for watching! Embarrassing first set of videos on this channel! Lol
@@TherapistTamaraHill We live and we learn ☺️
You touch on it a little but do you have full video with speaking about the a child that have been a only child for years and then gets a sibling in there teens
That's a good topic! I don't have a video like that. I might be able to squeeze that in one of my upcoming topics.
I have 2 good friends, but my relationship with them is not working. I see what they are doing to others, example their love partners. They are selfish, self-centered, It's all them and what they want. They can't keep a job long enough because a lack of commitment. I personally would not want a only child woman for my daughter-in-law. Am I wrong? lol
I'm an only child. 100 % spot on
🙂
I've never been so provoked by a video before. I am an only child. The description you give of parents of only children is categorical. Has throughout my upbringing loved to be an only child. Never felt I had to meet any requirements, or the dreams of my loved ones. Please do not judge all parents of only children, even if some undoubtedly have the characteristics you describe.
Of course! This doesn't describe ALL children. Just some! The purpose of the video is to point out one category of kids.
And let's not forget your experience is only one example of an only child.
@@TherapistTamaraHill , are you an only child?
I once met an only child who was told there mum might adopt a sibling...she said she'd kill it. This only child was nuts.
andgate2000, why blame that on them being an only child. You do realize some people with siblings kill each other, abuse each other and rape/molest each other.
Nope, just a happy child, aware of her privileges and afraid to lose them. I'm an only child too and I'd have answered the same 😂
lots of benefits but a controling parent vs only child causes stress for sure
I am an only child as well as my mom and my dad is also a single child..... Is that an anomaly?
A blended family issue is huge with an only child.
What do you mean?
Negative effect on my life
Are you from india? If yes I need a session waiting for your reply
Hi Sajin, I am not but have family who are. I'd love to visit India again!!! I'm sorry to say I am not.
@@TherapistTamaraHill I was born and raised in an extramly toxic disfunctional narcissistic family I didn't realize it until I got a job and saw the world I still have many effects left from the long abuse. Whom to consult?
Shoot some of this hit hard
1:00
3:10
4:00
Being an only child is a curse
Or sucks 😭💔
I've heard. I also see some of that with some of the families I see. However, as you know, there are some who like being an only child. It just depends!
With the wrong parents, yes. Yes it is.
@@TherapistTamaraHill people who like being an only child are probably introverts
In some cases perhaps.
Single children don’t learn to share