The Real Reason You Don't Get A Second Date
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- Опубліковано 25 тра 2024
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In today's video we'll be talking about why dudes have a hard time getting second dates. Dr K breaks down why the darting advice out there is wrong, teaches the science of attraction, addresses the friendzone, and why you should talk about your interest.
▼ Timestamps ▼
────────────
00:00 - Introduction
02:34 - A lot of dating advice sucks
04:20 - Do not talk about your interests
05:21 - Shared emotional experiences
09:15 - Creating a hassle free situation
12:07 - Keep interactions 90 minutes or less
14:09 - Addressing the "friendzone"
15:14 - Conclusion
────────────
Check Out Dr. K's Book Here: bit.ly/3IAEu0A
Harvard-trained psychiatrist and former gaming addict Dr. Alok Kanojia-known as “Dr. K” to his millions of followers-offers a proven, tested plan to help parents define, set, and reinforce healthy boundaries around video games and help kids who have developed an addiction to gaming.
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Y'all are getting first ones?
Baaahaaahaahaaa
No
i was about to say he skipped a step
The real secret that’s he not telling you is to be REALLY GAY.
This secret will even help you get dates with men too !
After kinda 100 attempts i can get a one first date
After 1000 attempts maybe second date
Can you make a prequel to this about the secret behind getting a first date
he also mentioned in one of his other videos that often you dont realize when you start dating, you just start being aquainted and then start meeting each other more and more.
@@thodds68most guys don’t even have that so please stop
i swiped on bumble for 5000 swipes (yes, i made an autoswipe macro on my phone which swiped at like 7 swipes a second and kept count) and got one..honestly it's all i can get and i went on my first date ever..thing is it's been almost a month and she keeps making excuses so here i am on this video
@@mat-mt8wt let it go if she is making excuses bro if u talk to her often still great otherwise dont trip there are other girls who will make excuses just to hang out with you. Also if you're using bumble dont autoswipe it messes up your chances take time to look at profiles and bumble will reward you with more connections lol
@@mat-mt8wtThat type of brute force approach reminds me of shiny hunting haha. Try out different apps and work on yourself chief; it'll be like getting your own shiny charm buff lol
I’ve gone on three dates with a girl and what I’ve taken away from this video is that for my fourth date I should write her an essay in Spanish.
😂😂
use babble. i hear you can get fluent in a few weeks ;)
LOL no, you'll need to clarify on what sort of essay to write and not start before instructions are clear. If an essay is demanded, then they better are matured enough already to be able to voice what topic they wanna see and in what language :P
Greetings, just a lady from the HG community
What do you think made her want to go on a second date with you (for science-I’m happily married) ?
I think humans should just ditch concepts like dating, marriage, and pair bonding. I feel like this world would be a much better place without romance than it is with it.
It does seem that nearly all fathers and brothers are hoping that their daughters and sisters never date or get married and remain single for the rest of their lives. Romantic relationships seem like a bad thing since there is a lot of dangers when it comes to them.
The overprotective father/brother thing is proof that romantic relationships are a bad thing, and this world would be a much better place without them.
If someday that the human race ditches the concept of romance and romantic relationships, and got rid of stuff like dating and marriage, fathers and brothers would be happy about it since they wouldn't ever have to worry about their daughters and sisters ever dating if that ever happened.
Stranger on a dating app: Meet me on a rickety bridge in the forest.
Me: Sure, sounds legit.
Yeah and don't forget your harness!
Lol exactly. It seems there is lack of consideration for someone who is being pressured to do something that could be dangerous for the woman (or make her feel like she can't be treated like a lady- unless she is already tomboyish etc then it is little different)
Meet me in the isolated area, do some physical activity that no one was prepared or consulted with, come over to my house to eat, jump in my car, or go to a movie without any other time spent doing something else... ALL not good ideas to her meeting you for the first time!
So, I’d suggested to a woman once to view a meteor shower-good experience, but she didn’t like the idea that a dark sky location that her friends wouldn’t know and that might be out of cell phone range (we did stay friends for a while anyway)
@@jameswilkerson4412 Wise woman.
😂🤣😂
Thankfully this hasn't been a struggle for me. Mostly because I never got that first date.
Have you asked?
Real
keep telling yourself that cope, lonely man
@@42smash36 Yeah, that's the joke...
😭
Yooo I just managed to secure a third date with a really attractive woman I met last week on Tinder. I'm 32 and it was the first time I went on a date with someone I didn't know before. We went to see a movie and later she invited me to her house. Last night we ate burgers and I followed her home on my bicycle. lmao (SHE INVITED ME GUYS)
For some reason I never got nervous and she really liked me and complimented my confidence after the second date and said she was really into me. I was just focused on being present and not overthinking, future-tripping or having expectations. I have been working on myself physically and mentally and I have had a tiny bit of experience with women in the last 4 years. Mostly talking. I think I didn't get nervous bc I'm dead inside but I had a lot of fun. Compliment them, be nice, be respectful, listen and think of interesting questions to ask and make it clear that you're attracted to them and they will give you little hints and openings.
Happy for you man. It gives me hope at 23 that I still have time to first work on myself and find some sweet girls at the end of the rope.
"I didn't get nervous because I'm dead inside" 💀
@@the1stmetalheadGood luck Zeke
K I N G
congratulations brother!
So get an addiction and go to rehab, got it
Yeah that's what I thought too
Now that you mention it.. I might have several addictions already
Get addicted - Go to rehab - Clap cheeks - Repeat
Y'all need Rehab Room
Why have coed rehab if that's what happens? Coed prisons wouldn't work either
Yo those cute rehab girls... That's where it's at!
Ngl, the whole "shared emotional experiences = attraction" thing is why, when I started group therapy, I made a vow to both myself *and* my individual therapist, that I would not get romantically or intimately involved with anyone until I finished therapy, because I couldn't trust myself not to let that attraction interfere with the therapy. It was the smartest call I ever made, because instead...I just started to befriend the others in the group therapy, and felt a drive to support them as much as they had been supporting me. Which, I was told, is the exact kind of dynamic the group therapy likes to see.
I even had a PTSD episode in the middle of a session at one point, and one of the others in the group session actually walked home with me to make sure I wouldn't get too caught up in my own thoughts.
Neither of us felt it was wise to start fuckin'. But we did find it to be wise, to start friendin', lol.
That's a good call. Don't AA have a similar rule about not dating for a year after joining AA?
From a woman - I have realized: THIS IS EVERYTHING.
@@rejectionisprotection4448daring those in AA, you mean? Or in general?
@@jameswilkerson4412 Both I'd imagine. It's easy to get off course.
I'll keep this in my back pocket, it'll be useful if I ever get a first date.
keep telling yourself that cope, lonely man
@@42smash36 r/woosh
oh wow, didn't expect such detailed tips
most of the dating advice in the internet is very vague like don't be boring, show confidence etc.
"Just be yourself" is the most overused piece of advice
It's more detailed and explicit than most other advice you'll find, yes. But does that make it actually easier to implement? Like, "don't be boring, show confidence" - while it is indeed vague, I at least have a vague idea how to do it. But what kind of first date is a shared emotional experience, while being as hassle-free as possible for the other person, and also lasting not longer than 90 minutes? I mean, maybe it's just me because I'm especially uncreative when it comes to coming up with ideas for activities. But two or three examples would have been a huge help here.
@@lonestarr1490i think there’s so much variance in what’s going to be a good emotional experience that you have to be vague. Any specific advice is kinda sus given how different all humans are, an effective script doesn’t exist it has to flow naturally from both people.
@@lonestarr1490he gave a few. Something like an escape room, going dancing (there are dance classes or events that often take roughly an hour)…and simply be aware of your date’s experience.
@@lonestarr1490 see, there is no such a thing as "uncreative", every human is creative. What happen is that some of us were bashed down and had our creativity limited right early in the childhood. I would say that you should just talk to the other person, you are trying to develop a relationship with, what about actually asking what they like? If their ideas do not match to what you usually do, think twice: would I enjoy it? Am I open to experience something new? And start from there. It's just human relationship. If even this sounds out of the world, maybe learn more about emotional intelligence and connect better with yourself before trying to connect to someone else.
A relationship is doomed to fail miserably if the people involved are out of touch with their own feelings and needs.
Second dates are usually where it goes wrong for me, not the first date. It tends to be that the first date has alot of happy chemicals and idealization of what 'could be' and then the second date we get to know each other more, and reality sets in that the other person does not fit the expectations you formed.
@@Dimitris_Balf It's not just me that creates expectations unfortunately, also it can be hard to not form expectations
It's good to ease up on the expectations (as much as possible) but also realize that dating takes a lot of time. Just think about how few people are actually a match for each other. It's ok to go on dozens of first dates, even if it feels like treading water while you're doing it.
Same, I struggle getting a third date. Usually things fizzle out after 2-3 weeks. (I'm a straight woman).
@@jiffpop5143 It's like with feelings LOL You are not supposed to "not have feeling", nor are you gonna be OK if feeling run your life all the time as thy please with 0 intervention.
Just like "having feelings is OK but does not mean you need to run with them 24/7"
"Letting go of expectations" does NOT equal "don't have any". It means "Do not give them the power to determine things quite that much".
You want to know your non-negotiable relationship expectations, as in TRULY negotiable (which are actually very very few). And then you want to keep the rest of them in the "negotiable" range and be willing to budge in order to make room for a relationship.
Careful! I am NOT saying "discard them". I am saying "Make room to choose to accommodate the relationship instead" AND "Make room to negotiate how else and by whom else needs can be met, with mutual consense, if the relationship cannot cover that".
Example: Is them hating that thing you love really non-negotiable? Do they care to open up out of love for you and what your needs are? Is having to back them up in sth. they're terrible at, truly not an option? Assume it's never going to "improve", can you care for them enough to care for that? If not, how could you help them to supply themselves with said help? (Aka if they suck at keeping order and you need order, can someone be hired to help with order, if e.g. therapy showed to not help or is out of reach. Or will it help if you tackle "keeping order" together, even just by your body doubling and sitting in the room as they're at it).
Have expectations, learn from them. And then soften your heart towards when the other person needs. And search for a person willing to do the same for you.
That's what I was thinking near the end of the video. You may be able to build a mutual attraction, but things like how many kids do you want, are you a "free spirit" with your finances, and how seriously do you take your religion are all factors you need to eventually consider too
Yep, this is what I have been telling people ever since I went from 50 first dates to married. A date should be a shared experience not interview. And if scheduling a date is too much of a hassle it's probably not going to happen.
I think I might be on the interview spectrum. I've already received some feedback from one girl that I'm talking with that I don't need to know every single thing and ask every single question because it feels boring.
As much as it hurt me and I felt as if she did not understand me one one level, on the other one that completely makes sense to me. I'm trying to do the "figuring out if that person is the right partner" type of shit whereas she appears to be simply looking for a good time type thing.
Any suggestions on how to create that connection and have a good experience? I have a hard time understanding this and coming up with examples, haven't had much experience with this in the past few years.
@@gedas7058i feel the same way, hey let's a have a date. Lol 😂
What do you like to do, to make dating more of an experience? Some concrete examples would have been helpful in this video. I get the concept, but could really use some examples to kickstart idea generation.
@@Bertinator-nm9ld museum, flea market, dance lesson, architecture walk, short performance or sporting event
@@materialsdan Thanks! Some of those feel like maybe a bit much for a first date, but others seem like good ideas! Or maybe I'm just overthinking how casual first dates should be.
Dr K, thanks for using the word "fucking" instead of a softer word. It really helps to get the point.
Well it sure wasn't "making love" 😅
Hi Dr.K , i was the one who talked to you on the Tinder horror stories. I had a girlfriend now who i had been with almost a year :)
Just wanna thank you for all you had done, rewatching realize i did a lot of right things that made her chose me in the end.
90 minute or less, and was focusing on making it hassle free for her. I did all that subconsciously cause i discarded all the method i used in the past. Somehow trusting your instinct just works better. Sounds cheesy but i just believe in myself. Which i would had never done if i didn't had the conversation with you Dr.K
It's not cheesy. It should be the normal state of operation of all people. The point of that not being the case talks to just how much trauma is present in way too many people. :3 Lovely that you could reclaim that part of your self.
The thing is, not everyone has the same "instinct". Having a concrete "to do" list is far more useful for people like me.
I really think that the job interview style of date is long over due to stop. Thanks for the info HealthyGamer and Dr K.
It’s a losing proposition anyway. If a girl is into you she won’t be quizzing you like that.
I feel like I don't even mind people asking a lot of questions if it feels like it's oriented toward wanting to know more about me rather being being quizzed or going down a list or something.
Thank you. Makes a lot of pressure anyway. When there is actual interest you get to know the person anyway and it also feels more natural than this "I need to be/have something special" kind of thinking.
I generally agree with the first advice, but if you're currently struggling emotionally (e.g. depression) be careful about bonding with someone who is also in the same place. I've done it before, and some toxic aspects of your mindset might drag each other down and prevent you from getting better.
Isn't it better to focus on improving your mental health first if you're "struggling emotionally". You have to be fairly emotionally robust to start dating in the first place.
@@rejectionisprotection4448My problem is I'm always managing clinical depression and some other conditions, I live with them and haven't ever been able to be completely depression free. It makes dating and relationships difficult.
If you’re currently struggling with depression don’t date to begin with. Honestly this is a huge reason why a lot of people aren’t good with dating. If a guy takes me on a date I wanna have a good time not leave depressed.
@@jaybee4288 I have a female friend with depression before she met her bf. They are still together.
Then again, guys are usually more willing to embrace a girl's depression.
I’m autistic, so this might not apply to all women, but I really like when men interview me lol. Or maybe, what I like is when men are curious about me and ask me questions. I also prefer deep convos over small talk (again, might be the autism) generally, feeling seen and heard are big turn ons for me
Same, deep convos are a must.
Feeling seen and heard are universal desires.
Being an ADHD male myself, I've noticed one thing we and Au people share is our hatred for small talk. I will literally start avoiding people (no matter how hot they are physically) if they can't stop babbling about meaningless stuff - and it seems most want to do exactly that. The struggle is real 😂
@@sheezle3 Yeah, it's why my go-to date spots are arcades, minigolf, bowling, etc...places where we can actually *do* something. Less pressure to have small talk because the talk is more likely to center around the activity, than just some random inane topic that serves no purpose for getting to know each other better.
It's probably the autism (source: I'm another human with autism and this makes checks out)
My issue back in the day was that I was putting so much pressure on every date. I didn't feel worth in myself and thought I could aquire worth by being in a relationship. So I spent every first date being super anxious hoping to turn that person into someone who validate me. It was a low key creepy vibe and never resulted in second dates
So how did you solve that - the feeling that you needed a relationship to feel worthy?
@@kirokirov460 Oh man. It took a long time and a lot of work. Like years.
The most true but also most annoyingly cliche thing is that I learned to love myself, and even like myself. I started doing things I was proud of. I took a solo kayak/bicycle tour. I wrote a couple of folk punk albums, and I stumbled into a job I loved and could excel at.
The music in particular was great for receiving positive feedback. I remember jokingly telling my friends "if yall don't stop telling me I'm awesome I'm gonna start believing it."
Along with nurturing good friendships I started silently cutting people out of my life. I no longer had space for people that made me feel small and worthless. I started to pay attention to the ways I would self minimize in social situations under the belief that I was being humble and polite.
At the same time I was also trying out more traditional therapy methods. I tried a little bit of CBT from what I'd learned online and I started to actually notice all the times I called myself an ass randomly throughout the day. I was able to see a counselor for basic talk therapy on a sliding scale and work through some stuff with her. I also tried some pretty intense affirmations I found online that would sometimes make me cry.
I can't tell you how much of an effect any one thing had on its own. It was a whole multi year effort to not feel like shit all the time, but I hope maybe some of this could be helpful.
@@kirokirov460for me it’s diving deep into your flaws and things that you dislike about yourself and knowing that it’s okay to be you.
for example, my biggest issues are i’m insecure about my eyes and my weight
obviously the weight thing is something i can better about myself, so it’s on me but i also don’t let it control me.
the eyes thing is something i can’t control, and so i had to learn to be okay w my flaws.
u can’t control what u can’t control. love yourself, and know that everyone has their own insecurities and that if they are worth it u are worth it
Idk about the “90 minutes or less” rule…. Any time I’ve had a date that was short I then ended up getting rejected or ghosted for a second date. Any time it’s been over 90 minutes I’ve either hooked up with them and/or continued going on other dates with them…. I feel like that advice might be more for people that struggle to keep a woman’s interest for a long period of time. If a date ends 90 minutes in it for me it means she wanted to leave.
I absolutely agree, I actually made it a rule to never go to dinner or a movie on a first date (internet dating) because if there is not an initial attraction I would feel trapped and I didn't want to waste someone's time. I would do mid afternoon coffee and then if there was a spark we would have time to add on to the date.
The spark is basically a person that is connected - chances are that a person picking a movie for first meeting is willing to not engage. Likewise the spark doesn't happen under broad daylight, stark lights, in an interview type sitting position (yes sitting positions are real body language too) where it is expected to exit or even agree to meet without a little bit of context from interactions prior.
3 months ago I went on a date with a girl that asked me out to go get pizza. We ate and the date lasted 3 hours, before that day I didn't know what it felt like to "click" with someone. There was very little dead air and we both had stories to share, we texted for a week and when I asked her if she was free to do something she said she realized she didn't have time for a relationship right now. I'm unsure if this was her just letting me down easy or if she really just was too busy. (she started a new job the day after we met.) Definitely was a bummer because I really thought I finally met someone I clicked with...I often think about texting her to see if her situation has changed but I don't want to be a "creep"
@@blankdeck31 you got nothing to lose dog. 3 months things might have changed. I’d reach out if I were you but don’t expect anything. And hopefully you’ve been able to go on other dates in the meantime for more experience.
Yeah, my first date with my last girlfriend was for at least 5 hours (dinner, drinks, taking a walk on the waterway) and I don't think anyone felt drained. In fact it was after the third or fourth hour where SHE asked ME if I wanted to meet again.
This relationship flourished for two years.
Unfortunately bipolar depression got the best of the relationship. 😅
Ive been dealing with this for a YEAR STRAIGHT. I got sober 4 years ago, got in great shape, have been making incredible strides in therapy, finally have a high paying job in a field I love and still i cannot get girls to meet me twice. They all say im a great guy but the most common phrase i get is "i just dont think im ready for a relationship." Well im sick of being the guy they figure this out with. Its emotionally exhausting.
Also what Dr. K said about rehab romances is 100% true. I never fell victim to that during my few times in inpatient but it's an incredibly common and usually hilarious phenomenon.
Do you have a clingy needy vibe? I find most addicts and removing addicts do. They want a relationship just not an overwhelming one
@@crystallaner230 not at all in fact in my last serious relationship in sobriety which was 2 years, my girlfriend often complained that I was too unattached at times. My therapist suggested that maybe I limit how much I divulge about my sobriety from the start so I'm going to try that route.
>Second date
Huge assumption there Dr. K. 😅
hehe, well technically he's given lots of advice on how to get a first date in several different videos, here I'm thinking it's about how to succeed in your first one :D
keep telling yourself that cope, lonely man
@@42smash36 ay yo chill
@@42smash36 how the f you have time to answer same shit all the coments?
Hi, thought I'ld leave a thank you. My health has been going down across the board, but this helped a bit to keep me grounded from my thoughts and worries. Thanks again
I’m glad he’s actually talking about the emotional connection of it Vs the job interview aspect of it. God knows how many therapists have told me “but the excitement is due to trauma and lust - it’s not good for long term. For a good long term partner, go for the logical things. No chemistry? Well 🤷🏼♂️ if they’re a good logical fit, trust me, the lack of chemistry means it’s safe and stable! So go for it! You feel excited? Red flag! Run!”
Okay I am EXTREMELY oversimplifying what I have been told, but that’s… almost… kinda what I was told
Ew. They must be based though, maybe a lot of their patients are simple minded and their emotions are too simplistic? I'm not sure I should have said that. I don't get therapists sometimes, they discriminate each other, their advice is more hit or miss than advice from my cousin and some friends I have, they want to turn me into a woman or something...
That last point about compassion vs a shared emotional experience is really important. Would you consider making a video that focuses on that more specifically?
00:00 📚 Common dating advice might not be effective; understanding the science of attraction is crucial.
01:11 🤔 Initial attraction doesn't guarantee a second date; shared emotional experiences play a vital role.
04:37 🚫 Modern dating often confuses short-term attraction with long-term potential; don't rely solely on shared interests.
06:15 💑 Shared emotional experiences create chemistry; opt for activities fostering similar emotions.
10:29 ⚠ Make dating hassle-free; don't burden the other person with excessive questions or demands.
13:03 ⏱ Keep initial interactions within 90 minutes; extended dates might hinder the development of chemistry.
15:06 👫 Understand the friend zone; being compassionate doesn't guarantee romantic attraction or reciprocity.
I hate these kind of comments. Just watch the video
@@minabotieso6944 I suspect that it is A.I.
@@dameanvil coming from the guy who had AI write his comment lol
@@milesdevine1161 You are making a lot of assumptions, but that is okay.
Sounds exhausting and manipulative.
The strangest experience I have is where I don't feel friend zoned I'm just in a non sexual situation-ship. The chemistry is there, the compatibility is there. We see good partners in each other. But we do not cross physical lines. Just the emotional ones.
That is not a "non sexual situation-ship". That is really just a romantic relationship in progress. Aka be sure if they actually feel it's mutual and not you perceiving it as mutual. Be sure that you (both) know how to even go about consent to physical touch. Be sure you know how to verbalise your readiness to cross said lines and ask about how they feel.
Aka did you even establish yet, that physical lines will ever be crossed? Or if they'll ever be crossed prior to marriage? Or if you both even feel safe to cross? You might have to mutually accommodate for things like trauma related to physical contact.
The friend zone is not a thing. It's called "friendship" or "a person agreeing to friendship while being unable to transfer their feeling that direction". And in the same way, there's no situation-ship, other than you being unsure how to progress from one level of establishing stages of romantic relationships to the next step. And you can learn to do that, together. Really start by casually talking about it.
"I feel like we like each other and there's attraction between that. Do you find that to be correct?"
"I feel like we're headed the point where we can establish physical contact. But I'm not sure how to go about it, because it's important to me that you're comfortable. Is this a good time to talk about it, or would you rather not go there yet? Or maybe you feel like we can start out by casually getting in touch in small ways? Do you feel comfortable leading? If I'm leading, how do you feel safe letting me know when you're uncomfortable? Would you like us to have a safe word, to make sure we're always safe to signal "plz stop" even when we're outside amongst other people?"
If you look to questions "how to establish consent" and the likes, you'll find a lot of advice on how to work with boundaries safely. Your own and those of others.
Pretty easy to answer your question... make a move and you got your answer. If you don't make a move most likely nothing will happen..
Why don’t y’all have a literal conversation with each other about it?
I feel like getting a second date is actually very easy. I'm funny and good at deeptalk so it's pretty much a non issue. Almost all my first dates have had followup. Now, getting a first date? Fucking nightmare. Tinder is useless. I go to volleyball, choir, christian young adult meetup (tho I'm not even christian) and it's still not happening
Ahaha, pulling away is always harder than keeping momentum, keep on doing things you like, time will come ! I'm shit at getting the first dates aswell, partly because I don't dare, and partly because I struggle being attracted by other women than lesbians
Do you ask people on dates ?
That "not doing a interview or talking about intrests" Are so much me. I am good at having alot of good talks with people. But I am bad at creating chemestry.
keep telling yourself that cope, lonely man
I confessed my feelings after platonically talking to a girl for 4 months. I assured her that I had no intention to solicit a response nor was the confession a declaration of relationship boundaries - she apologized that she’s “not quite there yet”.
A couple weeks have passed and we’ve gotten a lot closer with her taken advances to enroll us in shared activities as well as showing me affection through her love language. So my experience taught me that confession of romantic aspirations can be a great way for both of you to start fostering mutual romantic feelings, in my case where we communicated that we’re rather uninterested in traditional courtships and dating rituals beforehand.
Everybody is different and the biggest thing about confession is to make sure that you share an established connection. (Just my ¢2)
Your comment shows zero actual results. Only words. Emotions.
Affection does not make romantic. Sexuality is a véry different kind of animal.
Really I hope it will work out for you but there is this huge difference/chasm between words and physical.
And women don't understand that so when they experience affection they somehow expect and *hope* for the physical part to come. And yet it won't. It never does.
That's been my experience and plenty of other men's. But please, by all means, prove me wrong. It would restore some hope for me.
@@SuspiriaX What results are supposed to come? All I'm saying is that confession is not the end of the world.
@@SuspiriaXerr it’s not necessarily hope for physical because people work differently. It took me some time to get physical attraction to my significant other.
create a shared emotion: watch this video with her on our first date🗿
I love how you present your videos in a way that is easy for people with attention deficit to grasp it
Oh wow these vids are actually pretty cool. He talks about empirical evidence from studies instead of giving the general, abstract advice so common among videos of this type. I’ll try these out
That point about shared emotional experiences really is an eye-opener.
Throughout my life I've only ever been truly interested in two people, one was my childhood best friend since kindergarten who i went on misadventures with every day; and the other one is my current partner, whom I first met in summer camp ten years ago (and who i would of course see every other summer camp since then, where we would go night hiking, compete in games together against other teams, visit swimming pools and roughhouse with the other kids over floating platforms etc, not to mention all the other occasional events our youth group organized like theme park or science museum visits).
I figured i just had a strange taste in men, but this makes sense of everything.
I never noticed but damn dawg Dr.k is looking fit. If youre working out man we can tell 💪
I think reciprocity is getting harder now on dates. i find the interview questions happen when the other person doesn't want to engage and is waiting for the other person to do everything. the reality there is a lot of leverage on dates now and people are constantly testing people. and on top of that. it also takes a social mind to engage with someone in a manner to create reciprocity. ive been on dates that were planned by me but felt like i was on probation once the date started. its kinda a double edge sword because if one person doesn't engage and leaves the date unsatisfied. its always the the other persons fault no matter what. then word gets around and you get this cycle of people who are so guarded on dates that you might as well stay home.
I hate how pessimistic this take is, and how close it treads to “women’s fault I’m lonely” territory. At the same time, you’ve described most of my dating experience exactly (except for the bit about “word getting around”, never witnessed that).
Actually a really good comment. Totally agree
Thanks for speaking some sense into the manosphere dr k, you're doing gods work
Going on a 3rd date tonight and 4th date we’re going on a 2 night trip!! Little nervous with the 90 min less rule but I’m confident we’ll have a good time 🙏🏽
I don't think the 90 minute applys for something like a 4th date. If you manage to get to a 4th date with someone, there is clearly some attraction there.
The ninety minute rule is bad intelligence. I have 90ish kills and the best results are always after really long dates. You just have to be worth being around for that long. By four dates in now, I’m sure she thinks you are :)
Good job
@@mw2sauce "90ish kills" 😆Can you clarify? I don't think I'm getting the metaphor
@RT-. Two options:
1. he talks about his number of spicy moments with girls, with a very poor choice of words.
2. He’s on a watchlist and the fbi is on its way.
Shared Emotional Experiences Lead to Attraction. If you really think about it, THAT is often the catalyst for two people to connect for a date to begin with. Perhaps, when hanging out with a prospect you really like (or maybe even for the first time) exploit the environment with a discussion or activity you can emotionally connect to... rather than acting like you're in pursuit of them. See if that gets a response in kind.
Ice breakers like funny tee shirts or just corny pickup lines will actually make people smile and have an effect to a lesser degree that might be appropriate for settings where one can not or should not overshare.
This makes a lot of sense.
I recently have been going on dates with someone. We are currently in university in similar courses, and university is a struggle.
It makes sense that we bonded a bit, even though the first date was a bit interview-esque, we're both older so it was interesting to hear about what she's done in life.
This is very useful not just for second dates but also for new meeting people in general. From what I’ve learned, I should focus on carefree/fun topics rather than serious, personal, or closed questions when I first meet someone.
Well ..... for some ppl like myself that can be the part where we do not bond lol. Aka lead by light topics and when heading towards deep topics, you must pay attention to:
- establish consent to talking about it
- keep an eye on how both of you are feeling. If the mood gets too heavy, be ready to get you two out of there again
- keep an eye on time. Make sure you do not END exhausted and deep into sth. difficult. You want to ease yourselves out and have some cool-down and light time after that.
- when you part, the mood should be light and the energy high or a sated comfy sort of sleepy.
- in best case you deep dive for concentrated periods and then "come up for air" together
- no matter how deep you dive, be WITH each other not against. Even if you disagree, you should be firmly mutually aware that disagreements do not impact your respect and care for reach other.
- The thing they ruminate on while you do not see each other should bot be the difficult topic and them getting tired just from the thought of seeing you. They should ruminate on how safe and comfortable it is to even deep dive with you, because it'll NOT escalate into dis-regulated emotion vomiting till utter exhaustion. XD
Neither deep diving nor conflicts are "a problem". People sucking at managing both well, is what's the problem. That is why it's not advised. Because ppl require advanced practice to be able to do it safely. It's like the requirements between "holding hands", "having intercourse" and "taping into advanced sexual practises" have different entry requirements. Or how giving general public expert level of advice is likely to not do a good job. :'D
yes to open questions!!
Uhhhh we talked about everything.
Please make a video on how to socialise with women when you didn’t do it in college.
I’m 23 and feel stuck cause I don’t have any female relationships platonic or romantic and don’t know where to find one either. All the places I can think require money like gym, classes, clubs, bars, etc.
parks in the morning at the weekends for example.
If you want to practice socialising with women one of the best options imo would be getting to know your friend's female friends. And try to ignore that they're women, speaking with them isn't that different than speaking with men.
For a good opportunity, new year's eve is coming up. You could try to get yourself invited to a party that one of your friends is going to.
@@akospapanitz8390 I don’t have female friends and none of my male friends are kind enough to introduce me to a girl. It feels like after high school and college, men can’t make friends or relationships without spending money.
I guess I’ll just work alone and lonely for the next few years on my career, health, etc and get to a place where I’m financially secure and comfortable with spending money so that I can meet new women and make some lasting friends and or relationships.
@RealMistarin maybe I'm just paranoid, but I thought women don't like just getting approached in public randomly. I'd be worried about getting called a creep
When a woman is not on a phone in public without headphones it's a sign she definitely wants to e approached. Give it a try. At first you may be as you say "creepy" but we are all just humans and live the same struggles. If she's mature enough, you don't need to worry. Sooner or later you will build up some charisma. The hardest part is to start. Than it's pretty enjoyable experience even if you get rejected. You can say to them: "Well, take it as a compliment", and "See you around" Turn around and just go to another one. Worked for me like a charm :)@@guntar3371
Very intriguing concepts. I wrote them down. Shared emotional connection building intimacy makes sense. Sex, Marriage, Children. All shared emotional experiences. So I suppose vacations and travel are another.
The other advice I've taken notes of as well. It has connected many dots in other areas in my head.
Laughter and being a source of relief in some way - emotional experience. Being taken care of in some way (maybe driven or paid for or like doing a act of service) is another emotional bond. Basically be a present human.
Watching a scary movie. Going on a ski trip with friends. Tasting a new seasonal ice cream flavour. Taking a walk in the rainy forest. Cooking a new Thai recipe. Going on a dance class. Visiting a new gym.
Sharing emotions happens in small things too.
I never did "official" dates, instead I just suggested doing together something I wanted to do anyway. It was an amazing way to get to know the person, without asking anything.
8:55 Actually some really based advice that i haven’t heard yet and that I will consider going forward
So grateful for this amazingly informative and no-bs channel. Please keep on doing what you do
Forget second dates. I want to get first dates.
Real
Yeah never take your date to a boring place, take her somewhere physical, like bowling or something. It’s way easier to build contact rapport and talk about different stuff during activities
Really agree! It also enables more than words to do the talking. Ideally a little time with both is perfect- if you haven't met before or had little exposure
I hate activities with people I barely know lol, dating sucks. Bowling in particular is literally the worst "sport"
Mini golf is the go to, it's semi-competitive but also kinda silly so it's a great icebreaker for bantering and having fun and great to avoid the "interview" trap and the awkwardness of forced conversation
This is bad advice for a first date
All of this kinda makes me feel like finding love is doomed for me today if I have to engineer my dates... 😮💨
I would love to see some of the research that you used for this video.
Dr.k coming through with the heat once again 🔥🔥🔥💯💯💯
That's quite fascinating. I'm sure those tips would at least help. For a lot of women including myself, when I can tell a guy really likes me that's a big turn on. I won't always reciprocate but a man doting on me is the best way to get me feeling the same towards him.
If it's a first date, banter and tease a little. It's a good sign if she playfully slaps him on the arm.
lol that description of dating is perfect. I also love when people are playing some weird game of mental chess like they are trying to find out something specific without asking any questions
So many people are commenting about the “2nd” phrasing, but really it is still insightful for the first date too. 👍
Damn... all this dating stuff sounds like such a friking hassle... I think id rather be alone than go through so much bs
Valid as hell! The best ones come when you aren't looking..
It really does. Shame people will shame you for calling it out though. I guess it's either meet people organically or die alone lol
keep telling yourself that cope, lonely man
@@42smash36
I assume you’re knee deep in klunge 24/7?
It's indeed an option. Human relationship are complex and require effort. If you are not willing to work on yourself and also help your significant other too (it works both way) best not enter at all. I'm 35, been married for 13 years by now, if it comes to the point of us splitting or if I end up alone, I won't ever do that same effort again. I'm autistic, I already been out of my way to be someone better to my husband. I won't ever to this again to anyone else.
Omg if I majored in psych and if you were my professor, I WOULD ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE CLASS! you are so awesome, funny, and you explain things really well. Can you replace my psychosocial teacher for nursing???? Lmao
All this seems like reasonable advice. I will say tho that I did all of this stuff wrong when I met my last girlfriend and we still dated for a year and a half. Yea, sure I couldn't get a second date with like 5 or 6 other girls before her but when we met, things kindof just clicked.
Hinge can be helpful with getting the long term stuff out of the way cause you've already put that on your profile
There was a different Bridge Experiment as well where one group walked over a stable bridge and the other over a riggety bridge and on the other end was an attractive woman with a questionair and the men on the riggety bridge called her up more than the men who walked over the stable bridge, so it seems a missattribution of senses seems to play into the "shared emotional experiences" theorey
Wow. He just summarized everything that's puzzled me for years about the difference between a friendship relationships and a sexual one in a 20 min youtube video. Nobodies been able to explain this to me before.
He :- Hey It was nice meeting you lets get to know each other some more 🙂.
She:- Sorry you cant reply to this conversation. Learn more.🙃
notes
1. 90 minutes length!
2. Symmetrical emotional experience (same emotions, not complementary emotions!)
3. Hassle-free (throw out a suggestions and give them the option to adjust it)
Dr K rocking the most fashionable knit ever! Grear colour mate! Give your stylist a highfive!
7:00 very true. My ex slept around when she was in rehab. Prob still doing it. It never occurred to me. Doesn't change anything bit the puzzle pieces come together a bit easier.
Good video, but I disagree with the idea that a date should 90 minutes or less. Most of my best first dates(that led to relationships) lasted hours, but all of those dates had multiple activities involved. Maybe he means each activity should be kept to 90 minutes or less? Like start with coffee (30 min), go for a walk(1 hour), get dinner(90 min), get ice cream(15 min), etc.
I suppose he means as a general rule of thumb, because if date is too long you might risk killing the momentum and feeling fatigued, losing your date’s interest, and ending the date on a lower-energy note. Of course, that is not always the case, humans are complicated, and nothing is black and white, but as a rule of thumb, you shouldn't plan for a date to be longer than 90 minutes, unless both of you clearly want to continue and are not close to fatigued, the main thing is not ending on a bad note, because while it's good it's great, but if it goes bad for some reason the date is probably gonna end there.
That depends also on whether and how long you knew each other before the first date, where there was already opportunity to establish that you were comfortable and felt safe with him, before you agreed on the first date, even though you might have had some connection before hand. I've had that experience where the 5 minute conversation turned into 45 minute coffee or hanging out in the park as the sun was setting because we were vibing hard. Maybe I was just lucky that the girl in question was not hung up on formality like "This is a first date" or "this is a second". Maybe it was different for you, or you were lucky that there was chemistry and mutual interest from the start.
Yeah, I had a 10 hour date one time. We met up around 1:30pm and went home around midnight. We started with coffee, walked around a small town, went to an art gallery, shopping for gift cards for her job, beer, then food, then a bar, it was wonderful..like 3 dates in one..
Imagine if someone went through all this learning and effort for you. Always seems to be me chasing and never the other way around
@PrettyDecentDude what is the part that's what maturing feels like?
Because we're not worth chasing. If we were someone would've picked up on it by now.
No. We do the chasing. We get good at it. And we make the best of a bad situation. Atleast that's what I intend to do
@@inquisitionagent9052it took me a long time and a lot of pain to accept that I’m not worth chasing. But it’s ok, it’s what most men go through and it’s a part of life. We have to get better, and we have to do the chasing. Eventually we will find someone who will appreciate us. If not, I dunno. But gotta at least try.
If u think about it, if there were someone else doing the chasing, it’s gonna be someone you’re not that into. Otherwise you’d also put in >51%. It often feels frustrating to be chased (maybe not as frustrating as chasing) but the one being chased is often overwhelmed with confusion, pressure, and guilt if they’re really not on the same wavelength.
The ideal is not to be chased but to have a reciprocal relationship.
@@TumblinWeeds but we’re obviously talking about being chased by the people we’re chasing. So yes, reciprocity, in more correct terms.
gold mine of content that have helped me so much. Thank you dr K
Dr K. with the relationship strats. much appreciated
Trauma bonding is serious business and so hard to reject; but it is so important to do so. - someone who trauma bonded on a first date and our relationship after 6 months was the worst breakup I've ever had.
Can you explain what you mean by trauma bonding? Did you find out you share the same kind of trauma, or did you both get traumatized by the same thing on the date?
WE NEED MORE VIDEOS ABOUT DATING!
This does help explain some stuff that I have, so far, not been able to understand.
"You're trying to have fun and form a connection."
But how? What is fun to me may not be fun to others? And a lot of times it's hard to connect with others, especially someone of a different gender...
Going on a date with someone because they are attractive isn't wrong. Dating someone because they are attractive isn't wrong either. You just gotta treat them as human.
If you dont know the difference between initial attraction and romantic chemistry thats the real problem
@@codyp2808 Are you disagreeing with my comment? Because what I said is true for most people on this earth. It's globally, morally okay. And it is okay, it is human nature
Don't even know how It'd feel like to be desired by a woman.
Are you sure the rigidity bridge research is not part of the James Lange theory? The idea that we feel tension and we confuse that for chemistry.
I'm gonna keep this in mind. Thanks doc.
The concept of “90 minutes date is good past that you’re trolling” is so awful and I hate that it’s the case. I don’t wanna be thinking about a timer with someone I’m into when I call them or meet up somewhere, it’s so counterintuitive. At what point do you change from keeping interactions fairly short to longer format?
But will try it out next time I guess…
I'd love to see a version of this with Kruti's perspective too, for us girlies out here
This is great advice. Thanks very much.
That would explain why i feel attracted to fellow players of rpg sessions. True, the session lasts longer than 90 minutes (in my case), but engages all players emotionally... Interesting to know!
This is fantastic stuff.
That said, if you’re looking for a serious long term relationship, how do you reconcile the fact that you’re purposefully avoiding talking about things that may end up being a problem later on? Is this just something to focus on for date one, and then slowly start talking more deeply later? A relationship built on just this may cause issues down the line, right?
@@Dimitris_Balf Not what I said. It’s not 1 or 0, it’s a range. A combination of doing something fun and then maybe going for a walk where you talk about feelings. “I really like this…” “One day I want to do this…”. Stuff including but not limited to that.
You can’t spend your entire relationship just having fun without… talking, you know? Just going on dopamine things and never actually finding out what they like to do at home and stuff, you know?
@@Dimitris_Balf My point was moving forward. The discussion here makes it sound like it’s a good idea to focus on the sexual attraction part every time and repeat this. Hence why I said “is this just something to focus on for date one, and then slowly start talking more deeply later?”
You bring up great point. In my opinion you should be able to have a bit of the basic import deal breaker level stuff out of the way before you even meet however if it is just other stuff you will see for yourself along the way. No need to maybe rely on words when whatever it is becomes clearer. You will notice the things that are relevant.
Imho things tend to come up in the way you interact that are more significant than any brute facts about the person. Like insecurities often don't stay hidden for long.
Oof it doesn't even hurt anymore knowing I never got past the talking stage, although having some approaching me in the past.
Why is you content exactly what I need to a personal level
Yeah.. I definitely feel like meeting people is like a job interview more than just saying "hey, what's up?"
This man is an absolute lad
This one could not have come at a better moment 🙏
Okay, finally a good set of guidelines on what works (worked for me)...but there's a slight problem with "not talking about interests".
From my experience, I can filter out real human trash by talking about it. Girls having daddy issues, stealing from their own parents etc. It comes out naturally really quickly (for me at least) but we go into that "bad zone of interests" with it. People with issues usually have no interests or have them limited to a certain group of typical, low-quality interests.
For me the worst experience in dating is a feeling of wasted time...and if I have a great time with someone, only to learn they are trash, it makes me question that good time as wasted on someone that I don't want to remember anymore. Yes, I want to have good time but only with people I care about.
For me, this is a no-solution situation because I must either expose myself to immense waste of time and energy, maybe even get hurt badly (yes, I had experiences like girls trying to kill themselves for attention due to my low interest in them, bipolars are currently a new normal as well etc.)...or not get any experience at all.
Keep up the great work man!
Yep. Do something as a first date, something fun and a bit risky. (Extreme sport is my thing) Not sit there and eat dinner.
Who else is “prepping” for a date? This is the best dating video on the entire internet, Dr. K you are amazing!
Don’t talk about your interests; learned that the hard way
Do a video on getting the second "friend date", or just retaining friends as an adult in the modern world.
It means that people are quite certain they won’t develop physical attraction if they say that.
Ummm be nice to your coworkers???
I feel like in order to create an emotional connection, it might be better to ask more introspective questions vs the regular “what x things do you like” date questions. I feel like those have their place, but asking the person about their passions, what excites them, etc. can still lead to that connection I think. I feel like jumping to an escape room type of activity still doesn’t get you to know them and some people might be put off with something like that. I’ll do that stuff on later dates, not necessarily a first one.
this concept pretty much applies to generally getting most people you meet for the first time to want to see you again. good advice !!!
i was just being myself in my british literature course, discussing with my group my thoughts on what we read. being a little jokey and my adhd self. afterwards one of the girls came up to me and gave me her number because she thought i was cool. now im like Fuck the possible friendship process is HARD
6:07 this really opened my eyes to an issue I've been having with people using me to vent to (without me volunteering for such) and then later finding out they've caught feelings HARD. I'm always already in a relationship in these scenarios and it makes things incredibly awkward and of course I have to turn them down. Now that I know the cause, I'm no longer going to be a ear for new friends.
Thanks for this!
I'm gonna need some examples of dates where you share the same emotions, because realistically, ZERO PERCENT of all first dates has been to an escape room. Being trapped in a room with a stranger for an hour... who does that?
i, a female, went on a date with a guy who talked about pokemon go for like 45 minutes. i didn't think the conversation was going to keep going and going and going. and it was not even a conversation. it was just him talking about pokemon go. he messaged me later than day asking if i would be interested in going out to an italian restaurant... i never responded to him again.
Whats not to like!?!?
Lmao that sucks hahah
Words can't quite do justice to the sheer level of epiphany I just felt. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW
keep telling yourself that cope, lonely man
On the ground things are different. It is super hard to create chemistry, it is either there or not 🤷♀️
Sounds like amazing advice
The secret is you remember to ask them out again.