i mean theres really no point in getting a girlfriend if you have unresolved trauma. being there for another person's problems is really emotionally taxing, now imagine if you have unresolved trauma
@@rodrigo_tmto highlight the fallacy: you are acknowledging the emotional baggage and trauma of your partner while invalidating your own. What do you think your girlfriend would say if she heard you say that? Probably hard to think of an answer to that question when you can't imagine a girlfriend (that cares). A relationship is a form of collaborative story telling, your traumas and past are just as important of a component as theirs to the whole.
What a good video. Honestly, I often think to myself "I don't need a girlfriend, fuck dating", and then I go "Wait, is that my mind trying to make me avoid the uncomfort process of getting a girlfriend? Is my mind trying to supress its own desires?". I still cannot decide which one is correct though.
Sounds like you lack confidence, if you knew that you had chance you wouldnt feel that way. It sounds like your subconscious are doing wrong success estimations...
Obviously it is because of the tone of ‘FUCK dating’. If it was not you would NOT use this language and tone. If it was from a more non coping bs way you would instead say ‘ Now is pointless to date because i want all my energy and focus at this stage in my life towards this final exam / upcoming competition like a athlete etc.
I’ve been single for five years. I thought I had resigned myself to just stay single but just last week a girl actually approached me. Today we exchanged numbers and later tonight I’m gonna ask how her day was. I’m not trying to brag. I just wanted to say that I think I can do this. I’m gonna choose to take this video as a sign that I should try my best.
It explains things most guys don’t think about. I also learned a lot from reading a book called Flirtosphere Seduction by Vexoner. The book helped me understand women better and feel more confident. Combining tips from videos like this and the book really made a difference for me.
0. Be in love not just liking eachother 1. Have fun together (spend time together) 2. Feel comfortable and appreciated around each other 3. Respect each other and listen to each other to a degree of point 2 > Do that in general, do not put gender roles into it. Everyone wants this and/or at the very least appreciates it.
@@Kino_Cartoonehhh isnt that the other way around? like, being in the right kind of love, just enables all of that like a switch. my expetience though. it either happens bco feelings or i dunno whats wrong.
@@Kino_Cartoon you see i know all of this, what i dont get is why i become so uninteresting down the line. its like im worth keeping enough to get cheated on, but not worth leaving enough to be honest with. i think im just the last human being left on this rock.
Instructions unclear: I'm trying to be the very best, that noone ever was. Now battling my six girlfriends against the girlfriends of 8 Gym leaders. Uncertain how this happened.
I did a lot more than just go to the gym. I went to eight gyms and defeated the elite four. Why do I still not have a girlfriend? I should have a wife and 10 kids by now.
I have tried for 35 years to find a relationship with a woman. I have been mostly rejected by women for 35 years. I honestly find it very hard to see any progress when I kept on getting rejected. At 50, I accepted that I failed in finding love and decided to be kind and live the rest of my life alone.
read the dating playbook for men by andrew ferebee. it will actually help you. be careful about dating advice from medical professionals, they don't get laid or know how to. other recommendations are no more mr nice guy by robert glover. whatever you do, don't give up
Very true. Usually dr k videos are months old when I find them. The only other one I clicked early was the “how to be happy alone” which was uploaded 40 ish minutes before I watched it 🤣
I love how you're putting such emphasis on diagnosis. I've gone to quite a few doctors and therapists who refused to diagnose anything- it was literally their philosophy, only treating the symptoms (coughphysiatrycough), their treatments always made me significantly worse. The best doctors dig for the underlying problem, before throwing a fix at it. Not diagnosing before jumping into treatment can instantly ruin your life.
Does anyone else feel super overwhelmed by all this, like maybe this should have been taught at an early age, and not stumbled onto at such a late stage in life?
It's a lot, and it will take a ton of energy and time to work on this. But somehow this gives me so much hope and a positive outlook. Because it makes me realize that these things can be worked on. But yeah, parents didn't prepare us for this world. But to be fair, the world changed a lot due to technology in a short time. We will be the ones to figure this out.
At school I was very into exact sciences, and if you had said that psychology is the most important thing you can learn, I would not have believed you...
Holy shit... I have to say, I recently got diagnosed with adhd, after a severe depression. Started asking myself, who am I and why am I. So I researched about adhd and neurodiversity. Stumbled multiple times over you videos, watched and learned from your videos and when I had severe anxiety symptomes I could relax myself or lower the symptoms. And I have to say there is no other youtuber or article out there, that can better describe every situation that made me feel triggered in the past. I feel like you lived my life and used me for study. After seeing this video I was so shocked how perfectly you described what I was thinking in the past about getting a girlfriend or having the feeling of beeing rejected. 13:38-15:05 is so freaky because that is exactly all the time what was going on in my mind and I somehow always knew it but didnt want it to realize, because I felt during that time not beeing really in control of my life (like automated) and had no sense of who I actually am. Your Videos helped me so much you cant even imagine. Because of you I survived and that not because you actively helped me by talking with me or perscribing meds but you shared your knowledge. I finally found an answer to my question that bothered me 22 years long "why am I like that". Because of you I slowly menaged to gain control of my body and also start undestanding people more. I found your videos in a time where I zoned out starting to have suicidal thoughts, wich I knew havent come out of myself. Because of you I menaged to become nearly symptomes free in 6 months and in addition to that I got severly hooked up in undestanding the psychology and neurology of humans. In my opinion you are doing an perfect job. You are really amazing and I am pretty sure that there are thousends of viewers out there that got aswell the chance to life longer and finally enjoy beeing alive just because you are here and decided to produce these videos. You taught me in that 6 months that yes indeed you can enjoy life. Thank you from all my hart. Greetings from Germany
I feel this. I struggled with really bad depression in high and into my early 20s. Tried various antidepressants for like a year and even though they didn’t help a ton, it did help me change my trajectory. Managed to finish school and get a career started and shortly after that pursued the ADHD diagnosis. Stimulants help my depression much better. I felt a sense of loss, confusion, grief to some extent for maybe two years proceeding diagnosis but it’s long since passed now. If you haven’t tried stimulants yet, I would suggest it. They can alleviate some variations of anxiety that might be resulting from or exacerbated by ADHD
Yea I got aderall but my problem is that the symptoms still bother me a lot when I dont take them and who wants to stay permanently on pills haha. And I am actually doing a lot progress changing adhd habbits or reducing the symptoms by learning about the big why. I started to kind of re-wire my brain or the way I think by learning and it helped me really a lot even when I am not taking meds for days/weeks. I mean the motivation still stays most of the time without meds unpredictable but at least the impulsivity and all the judgement that was bothering me is mostly gone or heavily reduced. And the meds are helping actually in most of the other parts with adhd. So win win I guess?
He just like me, for real. Real talk, though, bro, I've had similar experiences. I was depressed throughout most of my twenties and was diagnosed with ADHD at 27. You got this, brother.
Falling in love is not just about thristing for each other's bodies Falling in love is when you stay up all night long And someone tells you about the hardships in their life Tells you about their hopes & dreams And you're there with them It's all about emotional connection
Getting lost in the little details of how they do things, getting interested in topics they like, and genuinely wanting the best for them in everything. You should be absolutely fascinated with this person, vice versa, and you should both make a good team.
I used to be a loser with no friends, girlfriend, or money. Then I switched from Windows 10 to Arch Linux, now I live in a mansion with a hot European wife and 2 Latin American side chicks.
Dr K really messed up by saying that. I like to just brush rejection aside and end the interaction. I feel grateful that the girl didn't waste my time and I move on to a better girl.
I had no confidence, no social life, and never had a girlfriend. Then I read Angelic Soulmate by Lentlish, and it changed my life. It reminded me of The Game by Neil Strauss but with simpler advice anyone can follow. If you’re ready to transform your mindset and find real love, this is the book for you.
My biggest mistake in terms of relationships was looking at them like there is a potential outcome to everything I do, it took me a while to learn that relationships are an organism not a mechanism.
Thank you so much for removing the super loud music at the end of the video! I don't know if anyone read my comment on the previous video, but I feel seen
That one pacient in residency asking for help with getting girlfriend really got himself a cozy place in the brain, we heard about him so many times. And here it is, Dr Chad Thundercock delivered.
Then take a break. Probably you should reframe rejections as learning opportunities. Also, you should only count when you get to at least some decent conversation. And I can already tell, you are trying too hard. That repels women. When you learn the art of not giving an F about rejection (or needing to find just someone), you'll do much better.
I met my current girlfriend at the arcade. I had joined a club at my college for playing DDR, and eventually made friends through that hobby. I wasn't expecting a girlfriend, I was doing it because it was fun and was a place to go to out in public. And I guess something about me was attractive enough for her to introduce herself and eventually shoot her shot. Mind you, I never dated in high school, and had only gone on a few lackluster dating app dates before that. I'm not some super successful guy 😅
@@Navefreamo The best thing imo is to focus on enjoying life and connecting with other people. I don't make a new best friend whenever I go to bars to play pool, or go to arcades to play DDR. That would get exhausting. I just have fun with the people around me for the evening I have them in my life. I try to treat women the same way, and sometimes those women will want more than just one evening with you.
This short section really resonated with me because this is something I’ve been feeling in my life recently but haven’t been able to articulate so well yet. What stood out to me more than anything else in the whole 30 minutes was the advice that men need to learn how to have platonic relationships with women. The idea that we’re “starved” in so many ways that it leads us to dump all our pent up needs and emotions on any poor random girl that begins to establish mutual connection is something I had never considered before. Even better, it’s important to make the clarification that we’re literally so starved that we mistake this budding emotional connection for “love,” and it screws us over because we overreact.
As a girl, I confirm that I always have this fear in the back of my head. Whenever I meet a new male person, I wonder if getting slightly closer to him could make him become obsessed or even a stalker. I wonder if his nice and friendly behaviour is sincere, or if he is aiming at something more from me. I know plenty of good men, and I trust my male friends, because I spent time getting to know them and now I know that our friendship is sincere. But whenever I meet a new man, as long as I don't have a proof of sincerity, I am quite wary. I bet there are plenty of men I haven't met who are super kind without ulterior motives, but there are also some who are not kind, and unfortunately I can't tell the difference before getting to know them and therefore maybe getting into troubles. That is why I am wary.
@elisaelisaross it depends on some factors. Are you good looking? If the answer is yes, the majority of guys who approach you are intrasted in you. If you are single, you should integrate new guys in your life conscious that they are probably intrasted in you romantically? If you are not single, you shouldn't integrate new guys. They are only going to make your situation harder
5:32 The thing I find with this "mistake", speaking from my own experience, is that you don't always know what your problem was in the first place, until you finally solved it. Sometimes there are things you think come from other people, when instead it comes from yourself, and the other way around too.
this misses the most important practical reason, and that is opportunity/access what the hell are you meant to do if you: don't have female friends, or friends that have know women don't have a place you can go to where there are women to interact with only have interest in male-exclusive hobbies (e.g. nerd stuff like board/card/wargames, etc) are not part of any online communities that have women in them you could have the best mental outlook on yourself and relationships but unless you actually know women it's over
Yeah that's the issue I have, I just don't know where to meet women that are looking for a relationship, I'm not just gonna approach every woman I see, god knows that probably get enough of that already and I don't want to come off as a creep
@@tyleralan1470I stopped caring about not having a gf because I know that this is always just a pure luck, or an act of God etc. But the point is that you can't decide to be lucky, you either lucky or not.
first of all, great conclusion to the topic before the outro, that put a smile on my face but now for my actual comment: it feels so tiring having to think about all that and improving yourself so much just to have a chance to date, and for people that feel needy and deprived of romance that feels so cruel and unfair to have people naturally creating bonds with eachother, something that should be simply natural and intuitive feels now what it must feel like playing chess against magnus carlsen himself
Girl here, honestly, just accepting the fact that you have things to work on is enough to attract a lot of good hearted women. The #1 thing women consider is "are you going to be abusive?". Once you can confidently answer "not physically or verbally, and only as emotionally as any other human being would", you're a catch. Most women nowadays also have issues, and they want a man who can relate to them. And lets face it, it's impossible for anyone to not abuse their partner to some degree. All that is expected is that you don't lash out with violence or downright cruelty. We are far simpler creatures than we're given credit for. But there is a lot of us, so it still will probably take a few rejections to settle with the most compatible one
@@ghostratsarah Any amount of abuse isn't acceptable imo. But I think I have a narrower definition of abuse than you do. Arguments and heated emotions aren't emotinally abusive, it's maliciousness and excessive mistreatment.
@ghostratsarah Maybe I'm just out of luck or ain't taking enought risks, but I can see how being humble enough to acknowledge your weaknesses can be attractive I don't know, it just feels so impossible to meet someone willing to commit into a serious relationship that's not either someone I wouldn't want to live with or someone that does not care at all
I think you are mistaking one crucial part here. You don't have to have COMPLETED all of the parts before you are able to find a girlfriend. That's not the point. Working on yourself is an eternal struggle, and no one can ever be perfect, but they can strive to be the best version of themselves. Besides, you cannot have any idea how you truly look like in a relationship unless you actually get in one. Introspection and healthy appearance is something that you work towards and maintain, it's not something you get once and that's it. But that's exactly what is so liberating about the whole thing, you don't have to reach the end of your inner and outer goals before you begin dating. As long as you keep at it, you will see positive results. One solid piece of advice I can give you is to focus on learning to have platonic relationships with the opposite sex, as Dr K mentioned. It is INCREDIBLY hard to truly connect with someone you only view as potential partner material and literally nothing else.
@@tonyoik1012 I've been into a couple relationships and I've learned multiple things from them, I don't really make an effort to look better but I have self-esteem enough to not look bad. I also agree that you need to add to a relationship, not be completed by one. I'm not saying everything is wrong and I don't have problems to solve or people are just bad, I'm just expressing that it's too hard and complicated and that I feel like it shouldn't be edit: Sorry, I didn't read properly, but yeah, I agree you don't have to complete all parts of yourself before meeting someone, but it does sound tiring that you need to work on everything for something that should be natural. also, I do have woman friends and I don't meet every one with the intent of having a relationship or something, it's just that the longer you be alone, the lonier you feel, and when that happens you long for companionship
what i'm learning more and more over time is that getting into a relationship or not is not as much on my hands as it is up to chance because nowadays dating is so fucked there is not much you can do but do your own things and hope someone finds that attractive (and then hope you also find that person attractive back)
@@stephanieherman2861 same. it feels like the rare people who are into me are people who are even worse off than me mentally, like way worse. i may not have all my shit together, but i'm resilient, and know i will get it together when the time is right
13 years in therapy since i was 22 , and i still feel lost in pretty much every aspect of my life , i've made some progress but this needs to change , especially when your only option is "go to therapy , take this pill , etc" i'm starting to believe some people need more than " you'll be fine and you can do it".
By the way no i don't have problems getting a girlfriend is me not sabotaging said relationship with many intrusive thoughts , probably low self esteem even though i most of the time appear confident to people around me. ( Don't even know how this can be since i'm actually not confident but always overthinking everything )
@@MinosML Thinking about it , in my country i couldn't find anything similar to "coaching" so i couldn't turn anywhere else to make a true change in my life , it's the time that i feel i've wasted that haunts me...
@@raapyna8544 Oh no believe me , i've made 0 friends in the last 12 years, only 1 friend remains but i'm greatful for such awesome human being putting up with my nonesense I have very deep trust issues when it comes to people becouse of physical and psychological abuse from my parents, not to mention that i always tried to protect my sisters from said abuse ( i couldn't be there always but i tried my best , took beatings from them , and fought my parents when they were saying nonsense to them etc) It got so bad that police would come every now and then and do NOTHING , my sisters used to ask me to sleep in my room becouse they were afraid... "I'm afraid mom/dad is going to kill us" I would of course say " i would never let anyone hurt you, mom and dad would never do something like that ..." , my 3 sisters spent years sleeping in my room afraid, not knowing that i was also terrified but at the same time trying to make them happy and laugh... My many therapists over the years have made remarks about how incredibly insane our situation was and they end up saying " it's incredible you are this sane ! you are doing more than great" I'm not giving up just yet but my life feels like a blur i wouldn't miss.
Honestly needed this perspective. A lot to unpack from this. Huge point that hit home was learning how to form plutonic relationships and how all the emotional/sexual needs get tangled and can scare off women. Unfortunately due to not knowing how to form that plutonic relationship, especially with someone I was almost immediately interested in, I've done that to the person I'm crushing on and she's hit that 'creeped out and scared' point, it's a co worker. I've asked her out twice, and the last thing that pushed it too far was asking what she'd be up to on a future day because I was just so focused on getting to know her outside of work. Not sure how to recover, I figure I'll just continue saying hello in the morning and try to back up and back off to maybe reach a mutual comfort point, but I'm really just not sure. Anxiety really threw me through the wringer with this. Another thing that hit home in the video was the secure - anxious - avoidant attachment styles, I've been trying to pinpoint my discomfort with myself for a long time and the anxious attachment style described it perfectly; another thing to work on myself about, one thing that's been at forefront of my stress over the last 3 weeks. What can I do to form a plutonic relationship? What kind of mindset can I take on to salvage my situation? I really do like this girl, but struggling would be an understatement. I have been focusing on active listening information and other skills I think I need improvement on, but as you started off with, diagnostics matter and I think, after hearing you mention plutonic relationships, I can conclude my diagnoses has been wrong everyday for 3 weeks.
I you follow these steps thoroughly you have not failed, you have won. Now you have a better understanding of yourself, a stronger sense of identity and perhaps better habits and increased social skills.
I wouldn’t suggest emotional bonding right away. I got into a situation ship with an avoidant woman who seemed on the level at first. Give it a month. Look at signs of immaturity and if they keep testing you it isn’t looking good. I sadly got attached and not im feeling it. Guard your heart guys
@@andrewquiroz4335 from behalf of avoidant womens, i wanna say sorry. we are scared kids in adult bodies. hope she is seeking therapy. i think you as a warm person was attractive to her. im sure you are a nice guy and i hope you find or grow a secure relationship sooner or later in life.
Effort, rejection, pain, avoidance In my experience I'd say it's more like: Investment, rejection, pain, avoidance. The problem for me is not asking someone out and getting rejected, it's going out with someone, investing into that and then finding out they never took you seriously or they just show up one day with some other guy. So it's not the rejection from some stranger, it's the pain of rejection after having invested in someone you thought were taking you seriously only to find out you were nothing to them.
Investment implies a transaction. When investing in someone / something, we expect a return on investment, otherwise why would we be doing it. This can make it very hard to connect. (The video adresses this in the part about "internal pleasure" and being attached to actions instead of outcomes.)
@@TheTwoHeadedDragon It becomes different when people use you. If you are always attached to action without outcome then you're a slave. You're essentially advocating for relationships where one side gives and one takes instead of give and take on both sides. That's parasitic. But that's not really the point, you're being too literal. Investment is just spending time with a person and making them and their life part of your life and all that comes with it.
@@TheTwoHeadedDragon Actually, the analogy kind of works anyway. If you invest in a company, you don't always get a return, but you expect the company to act in good faith and be transparent and honest and you can cut your losses if things don't go well. If you invest in a relationship with person, then you'd want the same thing. If they're not feeling it, they should let you know, not string you along, play into your advances and leech until they get bored.
Why do I have to do all this work when people who are in way worse condition (mentally and physically) than me get into relationships seemingly out of thin air. I’ve spent years and years and years working hard on myself just to see a girl with a guy who constantly disrespects her and does this and that. But me trying to be the best version of myself doesn’t even get a chance. Make it make sense.
People can fall in love with someone who is bad, just as someone can fall in love as someone who is good. Typically, in relationships where the guy disrespects the girl, it usually started off as excellent, but devolved into constant abuse after a couple of months/years. At that point, women (the same can be said in the opposite scenario, this problem is not gender-specific) are too afraid to leave because they don't value themselves (they don't believe they deserve anything better). You shouldn't look at relationships like that and say "wow, I can be an asshole and still be in a relationship, since I haven't been in a relationship, I must be even worse than asshole", because those men initially offered something of value to their SO, it just got muddied after some time because of the disrespect of the guy. You just need to accept that nothing is black and white, and even in disrespectful and toxic relationships, initially, there was a lot of value in it. What you need to figure out is what you can offer in a relationship, what can you bring to the table to make a woman say "wow, I really love spending time with him!". Generally, you can't make a woman say that if you are desperate, which is exactly what I smell from your 30 word comment. Would you like to have a guy friend who constantly spams you to spend time with them? Just interact with women like normal people, and if you're a good person, you'll find some you vibe with, and who vibes with you, and at that point you just have to be open with them and start a conversation about a possibility of a romantic connection. Ever since I've started to acknowledge my personal issues, started being emotionally vulnerable around women, and started being more comfortable around them, the more success I got romantically.
@@crimsonair8890this 100%. A lot of those “assholes” who initially do well with girls do so because they mistake the guys arrogance and narcissism for confidence. Don’t be jealous of them, try to work on building your own true confidence
No cap "Adopt a child" (Don't have to be literally) first see how things work out, if you like it maybe you can get a gf then, i would pretty much advise the same for girls. If you seem to like kids as in play and can understand what they are saying or rather are trying to say intuitively then you are A ok. Next when interacting with adults understand these beings are not people they only have 1 ego state and that is of a child, severally mentally retired child so i would refer you to a book by Harriet Eleanor Blodgett "Mentally "retired" children;: What parents and others should know" hide the fact that you know that they are "retired" and act accordingly you should have no problems then.
Excellent video. I got divorced last year in my early forties and it has been a hard and lonely time, maybe more so because of the difficulty of meeting new people altogether rather than failing to get into the same mind space with women, sort of. But this video is a great checklist, with stuff I've noticed myself from own experiences and some things I have to keep in mind not to fall into easy traps when getting too negative on life in general.
18:36 so funny: this just happened to me and I am happy. I worked up the courage to tell a girl I have been crushing on the entire semester I liked them and they said they weren’t interested but I was still proud of myself because this was the first time I asked someone that I liked and I never did that before. (Of course I have dated before but those people asked me.) so of course I still wish they said yes 😊but in the end I am so happy because I did it!
That was brave... A great way, too, is just to invite them to something with a few others, then find time to chat with them alone. See I'd you havw things in common and ask if she would like to do one of those things together... If she agrees to spend time with you that is a good sign, then it is safer with small flirting or features to see how she responds... Then flirt... Try small things and see how she responds.... Look for small cues... And then you know to step forward or stop... It's a safer way with someone in your social circle
Changing the question from how do I get a gf" to "why don't I have a gf" is so brilliant. Instead of assuming you need to be fit, wealthy, social, funny,... the 2nd question already assumes these things in a way. It gives me soo much confidence
I don’t have one because I’m not a normie I have little in common with the average person and I’m a 4/10 in looks while being attracted to 1% of the population
18:10 I think that a rather big issue around this concept of creating identify is that it's a common tactic to berate virgin and less sexually active men for their state, as if it was one of the main aspects determining value of a male in current society. I can to a degree understand why toxic men without that problem spread this agenda, as competition is a common occurrency and driving force between men and objectification of women is sadly sometimes a part of this reality, but such rhetoric comming from women themselfs look to me like it's directly clashing with the whole societal change of desexualization and deobjectification that are one of the most universaly desired outcome shared by women as a community.
You should really not lump billions of women into one agreeable group. I think it would expedite you in understanding that plenty of women would not berate a virgin or less sexually active men. And eventually you might even realize they are people just like men, possessing both good and bad traits, behaviors, etc
This is wonderful. Brill. Very, very insightful and helpful. We want to derive pleasure from our actions, rather than outcomes. One mere example on the humor aspect here (for a priceless second): the expression on the word "desperate" is hilarious.
I love this video even though I'm not looking for a girlfriend. I needed to know if this video has better advice than the red pill machoism type of videos. Lots of solid things here I talk about with my friends.. I'm glad that this video exists, anyone should watch it.
You know honestly i dont even want a girlfriend im perfectly content with being alone, at least at this stage of my life but i find these videos so interesting to watch because I had this mindset of why cant i get a girlfriend back in highschool and was depressed because of it, and it always validated me to know that other men have or are experiencing the same situation and mentality that I used to go through, because i always thought I was weird for not having one during highschool even though I was actively trying.
They arent black and white. There is an an anxious-avoidant type. And as you said there may be certain things that get to you. I feel like its rare to be 100% in one bucket though
You can most def be a mix. Plus, some ppl can come along & inadvertently trigger things you weren't aware needed work or present you with situations you haven't been in before. Relationships are a dance.
I think you missed the point a little bit Dr. K. Emotional connection is what most of us are seeking. We were told that improving yourself makes you more attractive to potential mates. The point being, that it would help us get the initial match on dating apps. As you said, we evolved for real life interaction. But most of us are lacking in choices in that area. That's why we have to use dating apps. But we can't even get an initial match, to even be able to try to form an emotional connection through conversation. Do you understand now? We can't form a connection when no one will even talk to us. THAT'S the point.
Banger video Dr. K. I've been on a self-improvement kick for a while now and have been getting very frustrated that nothing ever seems to "work." Just what I needed to hear right now.
As someone who works as a therapist and heavily invests this topic and enjoys learning about relationships this is by far one of the absolute best videos I have ever seen. I love your videos Dr. K and this one is a home run!
thanks bro ngl im glad i didnt jump to the conclusions but the reasons u gave genuine almost exacly related to me and i realized thats why i feel werid when people compliment me
diagnose 31 ugly and social awkward adhd . only thing i learned that everybody is horrible. no matter how much you do your best ,i'll always treaded like shit
@cortesimerci35 yep, seeking approval. Wrong. Gave up trying to find someone years ago. I dont even have ppl that i can consider talking to, so whos approval do i seek.
The point you made about learning to form platonic relationships with women without dumping all your emotional needs onto them is really important. It’s very challenging but can be a good stepping stone.
@@mvashi It's normal to want to eat, but if the most popular video on a channel was "how to find food" that would be concerning. The sad part is that so many people are unable to fulfill a basic and normal human need.
I do agree with you on this The era of instant entertaining and fast results really made finding and investing on a individual hard And people peing lost with reallity over internet addiction and etc.. make it worse@@someguycalledcerberus9805
@@Steven_DunbarSL stupid drama from the internet, as usual. Basically he talked to a streamer that had been suicidal for years. After the talk, the streamer said it was helpful to him. And like a year later, he finally had a successful attempt at ending his life, and some people couldn't help but say it was because of him having talked to Dr. K Hope that clears things up.
The low self esteem thing really hits home I've been gaining some self confidence nowadays but then fell into a deep hole of stress and anxiety, thanks for the help Dr.K
Even knowing all this stuff and having learned to accurately see myself (well, lets just imagine this is true), I think the effect of being in your late 20s or onwards without ever receiving any attention and only being rejected by (in my case) women just seems so unsurmountable. You've made the point about negative value judgements about oneself countless times and how patterns of the past dont have to repeat themselves. But the thing is, these patterns do keep repeating, whether the point of reference was 1 or 10 years ago.
This is true for a lot of folks, but it's also true that not being able to connect with others in the first place is a real and common issue. If your walls are too thick or your social skills are too... shall we say lacking (think of incels and such), then that's an issue that needs to be resolved first. She can only carry the relationship for so long, if she's even willing to/in a position to do so in the first place.
I agree don’t force it, but the other stuff isn’t that binary. I recall the matchmaker Patti Stanger from the reality show Millionaire Matchmaker would say some women are “crockpot women” (this could obviously apply to men too)….this resonates with me. I need more time getting to know someone, more time to warm up to them. I wouldn’t say it’s from a lack of trust or anything but rather that I need more established trust and a more established foundation in more typical friendship ways, particularly because I strongly value curiosity and high mental stimulation/engagement (aka good conversations). People (guys) mostly move way too fast for me in my experience and ultimately the efforts to move faster, escalate, etc just backfire. If I continue to communicate and hang out with someone, for me it’s closer to the “she wants you” option but it’s probably not gonna be obvious to people who don’t understand this sorta “crockpot” way. I imagine it presents as ambivalent, apathetic, unserious or something like that. I’ve experimented with being more upfront to varying degrees but honestly a lot of guys basically ignore or selectively listen and additionally don’t really do “checkins” (like asking “how are feeling about things” or something). As a woman, it’s a catch 22 to do this earlier on to guys because a sizable amount of guys will just say whatever if they think it gets them sex and it’s difficult to discern if a guy is that type or not. To some extent, this was a long winded way of saying, try asking your date how they feel (if they feeling connected, attracted, or whatever specific thing). I think a lot of women would find this to be attractive even as it presents as having communication skills, being considerate, respectful, etc
there is a guy above you who said he tried for 35 years until he turned 50 and for 35 years he received nothing by rejections. i feel like this is the future for most people here
Thb though i dont think ill ever have a relationship even after this video. Im 18 but I am like severely anxious, can't hold a platonic friendship with women without eventually coming off as a creep, and have tons of self-esteem issues. I am in college now and don't think ill ever form those skills necessary to get a girl either cause I find myself too busy/nervous to talk to people most of the time. Honestly idk what id do without the internet haha. Though the point about not looking for people broken like you and trying to find a secure attachment was damm good advice that completely changed my world view, but in turn also made me realize to connect with a securely attached person id have to overcome all of the above so.... yeah. GL to you all though.
Just find unattractive women and try talking to them the same way you'd be talking with men. Superficial friendships are easy to form, be they with men or women. How you'll actually move on to an actual relationship from there - that I do not know.
If you think that sh1t's supposed to be easy, it's not. Only 40÷ of men reproduced historically. 60÷+ below 30 have no s3x. If you don't feel like doing it, don't do it despite what others may say. You can go to a hook3r (a more experienced one) to gain confidence. weightlifting helped me with anxiety.
@@merkuree Prolly no dad, I'm in the same boat and I feel like shit really wrecked me on some level, besides just being dirt poor in a one parent household
Unfortunately simply “asking women what they want”, especially in a group setting, will mostly yield lies. You’ll get very different answers from the same woman depending if you ask the same question in front of people compared to asking it as a friend in a one-on-one setting
Regardless of the setting they just lie. No woman has ever told me what they looked for and it actually lines up with who they go out with. Idk if it’s a conscious thing they do, but asking women what they look for is stupid because they don’t have to look to find someone who likes them
Don't become her therapist, you'll become exhausted and burnt out. Make sure you snag a girl who's as emotionally supportive as you are, and appreciates your psychoanalyzing. There are a lot of us out there, who treasure men like you, it just might take some rounds of rejection to find one. Don't settle! If she was put off by your nature, or she felt exhausting to you, she's not a safe bet.
@@ghostratsarahI 100% agree. I dealt with someone like that and eventually had a meltdown and in the end I ended up looking like the bad guy. Don't try to save anyone. Don't be anyone's therapist. There must be someone else who they can talk to about those kinds of problems
@@MuhluriYeah or they throw you away In conclusion: NEVER EVER be ANYONE's therapist. EVER! Seriously, there's not even a single exception here, don't make any exception! NEVER be anyone's therapist!!!
I think you nailed it with the trained thinkers part. I studied math and it really changed my outlook on life and how i approach certain problems. It gave me a lot of space in my head. Although these days i mostly use my intuitive thinking and let the ideas come to me, I have a vast array of tools at my use to verify whether these ideas are really what they seem and validate the thought process. I think that's what a lot of education today lacks and it translates very very directly to every life area. I am able to grow very fast in a certain new area thanks to that skillset. But on the other hand, learning that type of thinking is very hard. Just grasping the basic concepts of formal critical thinking takes at least a year of dedicated work for a competent person. It gives me great sadness to realize that with high probability many people will never achieve high capacities of such thinking. Maybe future teaching methods will change that
I hope iam not alone in this but there is a conflict between two parts of me , one part of me , the part that is wired to find a mate wants a partner but the other part wants to be alone for whole life and have calculated the cost benefit ratio and says cost far more outweighs benefits. So on some days i think what i need is a girlfriend but on some days i think I am better alone.
Women should just start the initation honestly, most of the animal kingdom women chooses then man. This would avoid any creepy male interactions, eliminate false understandings and save both sides from having unwanted interactions. If no woman interacts with you, your cooked if you cant find a man you like, its a you problem, both sides cant point the finger at anyone but themselves. Women fear for their own safety from men, granted less life threatening men know most women carry pepper spray where its legal as a deterrent, and the second they use it its guilty until proven innocent. America grows ever so divisive and humans overall start to fear/hate each other. There is defiantly a macro overarching problem with the world atm and this lonleyness epidemic on both sides is just a byproduct of it.
Good idea on paper that would be bad in reality. They’re already used to not approaching. Besides, if they suddenly all started approaching, they’d only approach a slim number of men. More guys would end up perpetually single and lonely.
I don’t have one because I gave up and am not looking for somebody anymore. And I’m okay with this conclusion now, which is kinda scary. But a win is a win.
Is easy if you are willing to lower your standards and get a girl with lots of baggage. For unattractive males there is no way to get a real partner, you either get it because of money or because you are her "settle down", at the end of the day is that even real? Maybe if you are making tons of money as a 30yo you can get a decent 20 something.
That's extremely pessimistic, there's definitely women who care very little about appearances and are attracted to emotional health and capability. You're assuming the toxic/shallow ones are the majority, and that's not true for the same reason it isn't for men.
It's ironic. For the longest time I was depressed because I couldn't get a gf. But once I worked through my issues, my depression, I realized that I don't even want one really. And the weirdest part - once I stopped caring, girls started to approach me and hang out with me :D And I even fell in love with one girl out of nowhere, just because she was such a nice person and we were a good fit for each other. Dr. K told a similar story many times, how he only found success with relationships once he let go of it
@@SpieleSuchti894 i think its true, for some reason when in your head your not actively thinking about girls, girls can sense that or something and go and try to get you to think about them. And when you do think about them, they don't. It seems like they got a sensor in their brain for this.
I believe in you man, another important factor is luck/fate, like someone could have done the same thing as you but it is not guaranteed that he'd get the same results, but happy for you though!
@@pixelforg oh, absolutely, luck is a big factor, and there are many people who just get unlucky despite doing everything right. And to the people above - I hope they find peace of mind
2:15 I'm french, in my 3 years of studying psychology, you inspired alot. I laught hard because where i'm studying (Freud / Lacan : Psychanalyse) to a certain extent it's the feeling I have during class... I feel like i'm in a cult sometimes x-p !
Great info, a note I’d like to add for situations outside of dating apps: a lot of women feel very uneasy if it seems that you are talking to them under the pretense of trying to figure out if they’re a potential partner. Under that pretense, we function with the awareness that you may be putting up a mask of kindness to get something from us. This is a protective defense mechanism. The best way to prevent women from feeling that way towards you is going into conversations sincerely without expectations. Only if you have a genuinely enjoyable, reciprocal conversation/report, should you then consider asking her out. This requires a lot of self awareness and willingness to be platonic until there’s an actual mutual spark and a willingness to accept that there might not ever be a spark
Dude you came exactly when I needed this, I have a girl that has been into me but I’m stuck at having expressed my feelings, addressing mutual feelings (not really well tho), and just chilling for now and flirting
@ I mean stuck in that I definitely feel some mutual romantic connection, but my samskara of not being enough as I am - without having to prove that my internal qualities are worth considering - is scaring me away from taking a definite next step. I’m enjoying how things are going now, it seems like she’s growing more comfortable and opening herself up to further the relationship. At the same time I don’t have confidence that she knows me well enough to see how my good qualities cancel out what I’m insecure about (awkwardness, inexperience w girls, masculinity and inadequacy). Basically torn between keeping my chill in the flirtatious and safe zone where the attraction is there but not defined (side 1) and then taking the next steps and asking her out or asking what she wants out of the relationship or something (side 2). I hope this was readable and concise enough !
@@connorholmes8786 If you converse in the right way, she will notice those qualities. For example, not a lot of men actually ask women questions on a date (look this up, its really common LOL). If you ask her questions about herself and display genuine interest that's a green flag. What other qualities may you have you're probably wondering? Well, if you really have such qualities, you'll already be naturally expressing them unless you deliberately block your authenticity. Remember, pretending to be someone you're not will actually backfire and make you look like a bad person (this is how a lot of players operate). And if she sees your authenticity as unattractive or whatever, then she was never good for you. For example, if you're nurturing, you'll probably be attentive and considerate. If you're empathic, you'll be non-judgemental. Communication naturally resolves a lot of misconceptions about the other person. So, flow with the river.
No, this absolutely me, and it makes perfect sense. I have a best friend, but he's still a senior in high school, and I'm a freshman in college, so we talk sparsely. I basically don't talk to friends ever. Not daily, at least. When I become friends with a female, I ALWAYS develop a crush. It doesn't matter to my brain if they don't check my boxes. The emotional connection always turns into a crush. It's so weird because aside from immediate family the people I'm closest to are my two female cousins who are the same age as me. I love spending time with them because they just always bring an energy or connection that no one does in my life, not my sister and not my male friends, so it's so refreshing to have a "built in" female friend. So I don't understand why I can't let myself have a female friend. But it totally makes sense that having a female friend, or even just closer friends, would help me dump less onto people that I'm interested in.
Strange that the top 10% don't need to connect emotionally, his status will make the emotional connection with her all by itself without him doing anything. No wonder Dr K dislikes the red pill. Nah, I'm out of this, tired of the bull.
Quick sexual relationships don't actually have emotional depth 90% of the time. Your mind is clouded with pessimism and you're misidentifying lust for love.
@@suruxstrawde8322 Or it's your mind thats clouded by too much fairytale thin.... eeerm I mean optimism. Yeah, in 90% of cases she had an emotional connection with him and he didn't have any with her. Yeah, that's why it lacks depth, but the thing I'm wondering about is whether she made that connection on her part anyway.
@@nightmareTomek Ah you mean when women are starstruck, that's obsession, and also lust. Not love. It's also not exclusive to women, men also have status related crushes on celebrities of many kinds, and in both cases it's not a genuine connection on either side as it's parasocial and shallow.
Dr K I have too many girlfriends now, please make a video about reducing my excess girlfriends.
so effing me
you could send some over here. We're running short of them lately xD
@cobalius no >: )
Be as gross and creepy as inhumanly possible
Auction them off
>video about getting a girlfriend
>look inside
>deep psychological trauma
i mean theres really no point in getting a girlfriend if you have unresolved trauma. being there for another person's problems is really emotionally taxing, now imagine if you have unresolved trauma
@@rodrigo_tm As if that's how it ever worked
@@rodrigo_tmthat's the fallacy that stops depressed smart people from being in relationships lol
@@gothicfan52 what do you mean
@@rodrigo_tmto highlight the fallacy: you are acknowledging the emotional baggage and trauma of your partner while invalidating your own. What do you think your girlfriend would say if she heard you say that? Probably hard to think of an answer to that question when you can't imagine a girlfriend (that cares). A relationship is a form of collaborative story telling, your traumas and past are just as important of a component as theirs to the whole.
Why would I need a girlfriend,when I have Dr.k in my life
Exactly
@@CookieCrumble-d7x that's just borderline sad
For those who have girlfriends but don't have Dr K
HAHHAHAHHAHA
I don't know why i found this comment cute
They had us in the first half ngl@@V-MAX34
What a good video.
Honestly, I often think to myself "I don't need a girlfriend, fuck dating", and then I go "Wait, is that my mind trying to make me avoid the uncomfort process of getting a girlfriend? Is my mind trying to supress its own desires?". I still cannot decide which one is correct though.
Sounds like you lack confidence, if you knew that you had chance you wouldnt feel that way. It sounds like your subconscious are doing wrong success estimations...
I feel that struggle/confusion so much too…
Obviously it is because of the tone of ‘FUCK dating’. If it was not you would NOT use this language and tone. If it was from a more non coping bs way you would instead say ‘ Now is pointless to date because i want all my energy and focus at this stage in my life towards this final exam / upcoming competition like a athlete etc.
only way to find it is to give it a go for its own sake. that way you'll be sure you're capable, and you'll find out if the hassle is worth it
@@maxxbenavente second guessing is one hell of a thing
Thanks Dr.K i just got a girlfriend i watched this video in 15x speed
Goat
What youre sayingkis you signed up for various dancing classes and emailed the teacher you dont have a partner
2 minute efficiency V watching :D
I watched it in 30x and got two girls accidentally what do i do
Shameful, shameful comment. Just shameful
I’ve been single for five years. I thought I had resigned myself to just stay single but just last week a girl actually approached me. Today we exchanged numbers and later tonight I’m gonna ask how her day was. I’m not trying to brag. I just wanted to say that I think I can do this. I’m gonna choose to take this video as a sign that I should try my best.
Good luck!! 🎊👍🏻
Keep us updated :)
@@cologne2728 You CAN do this!
It’s your time to shine
Let us know if you need motivation for the next step.
wow it worked, i'm already divorced!
@@Cwahsawnt speedrun i quess
😂😂
I think you missed the get therapy and work on on your attachment style and issues part.
@@Sunflowerdnlook it’s the “get therapy” “be better” person
@@sneakymitchell7802 look it's the bitter hate everyone of the opposite gender and blame everyone else person.
It explains things most guys don’t think about. I also learned a lot from reading a book called Flirtosphere Seduction by Vexoner. The book helped me understand women better and feel more confident. Combining tips from videos like this and the book really made a difference for me.
The bots just keep invading
Next one: how to keep a girlfriend
0. Be in love not just liking eachother
1. Have fun together (spend time together)
2. Feel comfortable and appreciated around each other
3. Respect each other and listen to each other to a degree of point 2
> Do that in general, do not put gender roles into it. Everyone wants this and/or at the very least appreciates it.
Lock the doors and windows...
@@Kino_Cartoon oh wow. Thats a beautiful summary. Its on point, well written and you startet to count by 0. Perfekt
@@Kino_Cartoonehhh isnt that the other way around? like, being in the right kind of love, just enables all of that like a switch. my expetience though. it either happens bco feelings or i dunno whats wrong.
@@Kino_Cartoon you see i know all of this, what i dont get is why i become so uninteresting down the line. its like im worth keeping enough to get cheated on, but not worth leaving enough to be honest with. i think im just the last human being left on this rock.
Being okay with someone rejecting or questioning my identity is key
Just a mental note I made
@@Lightenin resonate with this and will do the same
Also being OK with divorce and never seeing your children ever again (or rarely seeing them, also them getting depression because of that).
Finally boys, its time, girlfriend arc in 2025
i'm looking forward to that as well bro
@@cobalius You guys got this! I believe in you
@@paperking64 we got this gentlemen
Jajajaja
4B
Timing is always impeccable
tbf he could have posted this any time and the timing would have been impeccable for all of us
@@ddanenelastute
@@ddanenelreal
@@skies988 I read trimming 😄
Yeah I was just wanting a girlfriend.
I finished this video and a wild girlfriend appeared. I threw a pokeball at her at now she is mine.
Instructions unclear: I'm trying to be the very best, that noone ever was. Now battling my six girlfriends against the girlfriends of 8 Gym leaders. Uncertain how this happened.
Would you like to give Girlfriend a nickname?
@@rincewindtwoflower3989 AAAAAAA
Name her cuddle buddy lol
You just revealed you don't see women as people 😂
I did a lot more than just go to the gym. I went to eight gyms and defeated the elite four. Why do I still not have a girlfriend? I should have a wife and 10 kids by now.
That's just it, it's not a reward.
Congrats! You beat the elite 4
You get the option to choose one of these as your girlfriend:
Misty/ Cynthia/ May
Realest comment on here
Have you completed the pokedex?
Every time I finally complete a Pokédex, they make a new game with more Pokémon.
I have tried for 35 years to find a relationship with a woman. I have been mostly rejected by women for 35 years. I honestly find it very hard to see any progress when I kept on getting rejected. At 50, I accepted that I failed in finding love and decided to be kind and live the rest of my life alone.
I gave up at the age of 25. I'm open to a relationship if it happens, but I'm no longer actively looking for it.
monkmaxx bro
@@Terepin64 man please do not give up, you are still young, do not lose hope!
@@Terepin64honestly same, if it happens it happens
read the dating playbook for men by andrew ferebee. it will actually help you. be careful about dating advice from medical professionals, they don't get laid or know how to. other recommendations are no more mr nice guy by robert glover. whatever you do, don't give up
Never clicked HealtyGG video so fast like this one!
real af
Same
Very true. Usually dr k videos are months old when I find them. The only other one I clicked early was the “how to be happy alone” which was uploaded 40 ish minutes before I watched it 🤣
Same bro
you just like me fr.
I love how you're putting such emphasis on diagnosis. I've gone to quite a few doctors and therapists who refused to diagnose anything- it was literally their philosophy, only treating the symptoms (coughphysiatrycough), their treatments always made me significantly worse. The best doctors dig for the underlying problem, before throwing a fix at it. Not diagnosing before jumping into treatment can instantly ruin your life.
They watched too much House
Blame society. Move out of state if you are in US. Be passport bro. Just get out of this toxic community.
Yeah, I recommend Philippines for the guys
Does anyone else feel super overwhelmed by all this, like maybe this should have been taught at an early age, and not stumbled onto at such a late stage in life?
Parents didn't teach us as they were never taught themselves, another thing we can thank the damn Boomers for
It's a lot, and it will take a ton of energy and time to work on this. But somehow this gives me so much hope and a positive outlook. Because it makes me realize that these things can be worked on. But yeah, parents didn't prepare us for this world. But to be fair, the world changed a lot due to technology in a short time. We will be the ones to figure this out.
At school I was very into exact sciences, and if you had said that psychology is the most important thing you can learn, I would not have believed you...
Holy shit...
I have to say, I recently got diagnosed with adhd, after a severe depression. Started asking myself, who am I and why am I. So I researched about adhd and neurodiversity. Stumbled multiple times over you videos, watched and learned from your videos and when I had severe anxiety symptomes I could relax myself or lower the symptoms. And I have to say there is no other youtuber or article out there, that can better describe every situation that made me feel triggered in the past. I feel like you lived my life and used me for study. After seeing this video I was so shocked how perfectly you described what I was thinking in the past about getting a girlfriend or having the feeling of beeing rejected. 13:38-15:05 is so freaky because that is exactly all the time what was going on in my mind and I somehow always knew it but didnt want it to realize, because I felt during that time not beeing really in control of my life (like automated) and had no sense of who I actually am. Your Videos helped me so much you cant even imagine. Because of you I survived and that not because you actively helped me by talking with me or perscribing meds but you shared your knowledge. I finally found an answer to my question that bothered me 22 years long "why am I like that". Because of you I slowly menaged to gain control of my body and also start undestanding people more. I found your videos in a time where I zoned out starting to have suicidal thoughts, wich I knew havent come out of myself. Because of you I menaged to become nearly symptomes free in 6 months and in addition to that I got severly hooked up in undestanding the psychology and neurology of humans. In my opinion you are doing an perfect job. You are really amazing and I am pretty sure that there are thousends of viewers out there that got aswell the chance to life longer and finally enjoy beeing alive just because you are here and decided to produce these videos. You taught me in that 6 months that yes indeed you can enjoy life.
Thank you from all my hart.
Greetings from Germany
I feel this. I struggled with really bad depression in high and into my early 20s. Tried various antidepressants for like a year and even though they didn’t help a ton, it did help me change my trajectory. Managed to finish school and get a career started and shortly after that pursued the ADHD diagnosis. Stimulants help my depression much better. I felt a sense of loss, confusion, grief to some extent for maybe two years proceeding diagnosis but it’s long since passed now. If you haven’t tried stimulants yet, I would suggest it. They can alleviate some variations of anxiety that might be resulting from or exacerbated by ADHD
Yea I got aderall but my problem is that the symptoms still bother me a lot when I dont take them and who wants to stay permanently on pills haha. And I am actually doing a lot progress changing adhd habbits or reducing the symptoms by learning about the big why. I started to kind of re-wire my brain or the way I think by learning and it helped me really a lot even when I am not taking meds for days/weeks. I mean the motivation still stays most of the time without meds unpredictable but at least the impulsivity and all the judgement that was bothering me is mostly gone or heavily reduced. And the meds are helping actually in most of the other parts with adhd. So win win I guess?
He just like me, for real.
Real talk, though, bro, I've had similar experiences. I was depressed throughout most of my twenties and was diagnosed with ADHD at 27. You got this, brother.
Falling in love is not just about thristing for each other's bodies
Falling in love is when you stay up all night long
And someone tells you about the hardships in their life
Tells you about their hopes & dreams
And you're there with them
It's all about emotional connection
That's cute
exactly! This feeling of affection is way beyond the thirst of pleasure!
Getting lost in the little details of how they do things, getting interested in topics they like, and genuinely wanting the best for them in everything. You should be absolutely fascinated with this person, vice versa, and you should both make a good team.
W
Nah, not if your ex runs of with another guy to do the same thing to replicate what yall had, aka monkey branching.
Still not love.
I used to be a loser with no friends, girlfriend, or money. Then I switched from Windows 10 to Arch Linux, now I live in a mansion with a hot European wife and 2 Latin American side chicks.
That's one way to do it 😭
You are my idol. Switching to Linux after No Nut November then❤
The ladies can't handle the power of Arch
sudo pacman -S girlfriend
the power of `touch woman`
Rejection is not pleasurable. Saying you can get pleasure from failing with 0 successes over 5 years is actually monstrous.
Yeah that's masochism
They all have no clue... only bla bla bla
Dr K really messed up by saying that. I like to just brush rejection aside and end the interaction. I feel grateful that the girl didn't waste my time and I move on to a better girl.
@TARed-hq8cf i have done that with 191 girls over 5 years. After awhile you stop trying.
Unless I missed it, he never said that.
I had no confidence, no social life, and never had a girlfriend.
Then I read Angelic Soulmate by Lentlish, and it changed my life.
It reminded me of The Game by Neil Strauss but with simpler advice anyone can follow.
If you’re ready to transform your mindset and find real love, this is the book for you.
bot
Is this legit?
@@mera6479 Obviously not, isn't even on goodreads, the comment has so many likes but so less replies
@@mera6479its a bot.
beep boop
My biggest mistake in terms of relationships was looking at them like there is a potential outcome to everything I do, it took me a while to learn that relationships are an organism not a mechanism.
Good insight
Thank you so much for removing the super loud music at the end of the video! I don't know if anyone read my comment on the previous video, but I feel seen
Ain't no way Dr.K just made this 💀
@@mihajlo6489 it’s a good video
He made a video about gooning. Expect the unexpected from now on 😂
That one pacient in residency asking for help with getting girlfriend really got himself a cozy place in the brain, we heard about him so many times.
And here it is, Dr Chad Thundercock delivered.
@@Dolritto What? That blue pilled guy? He's still just shifting the blame onto men.
I'm at 100+ rejections, 0 dates, virgin at 31.
I've tried what seems like everything.
I want to give up. I'm so tired.
I'm only counting rejections at the level of either getting ghosted or actually rejected. Swipes etc. Are not counted.
@@StiveGuy the first 1000 aproarches are just a warm up bro
Then take a break.
Probably you should reframe rejections as learning opportunities. Also, you should only count when you get to at least some decent conversation.
And I can already tell, you are trying too hard. That repels women.
When you learn the art of not giving an F about rejection (or needing to find just someone), you'll do much better.
@@gergelymagyarosi9285 The only thing they learn is that looks matters A LOT.
As a divorced kid, this is extremely helpful learning the framework of what is Healthy and not Dysfunctional.
Thank you K
You got divorced as a kid? That’s rough buddy
@@ethanquinn385 pinnacle of comedy
@ thank you, I try
Dr K needs to heart this comment
I’m 30 and have given up. I think trying to find happiness by myself is more important than trying to find love at this point.
Copium
@@riki4644 he doesn't deny that he gave up, so it's not a copium
@ how so?
brutal blackpill
@@bro918 And a good pill probably.
I met my current girlfriend at the arcade. I had joined a club at my college for playing DDR, and eventually made friends through that hobby. I wasn't expecting a girlfriend, I was doing it because it was fun and was a place to go to out in public. And I guess something about me was attractive enough for her to introduce herself and eventually shoot her shot. Mind you, I never dated in high school, and had only gone on a few lackluster dating app dates before that. I'm not some super successful guy 😅
Love to hear that, that’s literally what I would like to have in my life.
@@Navefreamo The best thing imo is to focus on enjoying life and connecting with other people. I don't make a new best friend whenever I go to bars to play pool, or go to arcades to play DDR. That would get exhausting. I just have fun with the people around me for the evening I have them in my life. I try to treat women the same way, and sometimes those women will want more than just one evening with you.
@@Darth_InsidiousDDR? Deutsche Demokratische Republik?
would you say from a male competition standpoint that you were more attractive than your other friends there?
@@SpieleSuchti894 I wasn't with any of my friends that evening. I just went cause I was passing through the area and wanted to enjoy myself for a bit.
This short section really resonated with me because this is something I’ve been feeling in my life recently but haven’t been able to articulate so well yet. What stood out to me more than anything else in the whole 30 minutes was the advice that men need to learn how to have platonic relationships with women. The idea that we’re “starved” in so many ways that it leads us to dump all our pent up needs and emotions on any poor random girl that begins to establish mutual connection is something I had never considered before. Even better, it’s important to make the clarification that we’re literally so starved that we mistake this budding emotional connection for “love,” and it screws us over because we overreact.
As a girl, I confirm that I always have this fear in the back of my head. Whenever I meet a new male person, I wonder if getting slightly closer to him could make him become obsessed or even a stalker. I wonder if his nice and friendly behaviour is sincere, or if he is aiming at something more from me. I know plenty of good men, and I trust my male friends, because I spent time getting to know them and now I know that our friendship is sincere. But whenever I meet a new man, as long as I don't have a proof of sincerity, I am quite wary. I bet there are plenty of men I haven't met who are super kind without ulterior motives, but there are also some who are not kind, and unfortunately I can't tell the difference before getting to know them and therefore maybe getting into troubles. That is why I am wary.
@elisaelisaross it depends on some factors. Are you good looking? If the answer is yes, the majority of guys who approach you are intrasted in you. If you are single, you should integrate new guys in your life conscious that they are probably intrasted in you romantically? If you are not single, you shouldn't integrate new guys. They are only going to make your situation harder
5:32 The thing I find with this "mistake", speaking from my own experience, is that you don't always know what your problem was in the first place, until you finally solved it.
Sometimes there are things you think come from other people, when instead it comes from yourself, and the other way around too.
Thanks for the video. Now I'm understand why I am alone. (I'm not going to change anything in my life and die alone)
Biggest mood
this misses the most important practical reason, and that is opportunity/access
what the hell are you meant to do if you:
don't have female friends, or friends that have know women
don't have a place you can go to where there are women to interact with
only have interest in male-exclusive hobbies (e.g. nerd stuff like board/card/wargames, etc)
are not part of any online communities that have women in them
you could have the best mental outlook on yourself and relationships but unless you actually know women it's over
Yeah that's the issue I have, I just don't know where to meet women that are looking for a relationship, I'm not just gonna approach every woman I see, god knows that probably get enough of that already and I don't want to come off as a creep
@@tyleralan1470I stopped caring about not having a gf because I know that this is always just a pure luck, or an act of God etc. But the point is that you can't decide to be lucky, you either lucky or not.
Good look + good luck are the basic factors.
first of all, great conclusion to the topic before the outro, that put a smile on my face
but now for my actual comment: it feels so tiring having to think about all that and improving yourself so much just to have a chance to date, and for people that feel needy and deprived of romance that feels so cruel and unfair to have people naturally creating bonds with eachother, something that should be simply natural and intuitive feels now what it must feel like playing chess against magnus carlsen himself
Girl here, honestly, just accepting the fact that you have things to work on is enough to attract a lot of good hearted women. The #1 thing women consider is "are you going to be abusive?". Once you can confidently answer "not physically or verbally, and only as emotionally as any other human being would", you're a catch. Most women nowadays also have issues, and they want a man who can relate to them.
And lets face it, it's impossible for anyone to not abuse their partner to some degree. All that is expected is that you don't lash out with violence or downright cruelty. We are far simpler creatures than we're given credit for. But there is a lot of us, so it still will probably take a few rejections to settle with the most compatible one
@@ghostratsarah Any amount of abuse isn't acceptable imo. But I think I have a narrower definition of abuse than you do. Arguments and heated emotions aren't emotinally abusive, it's maliciousness and excessive mistreatment.
@ghostratsarah Maybe I'm just out of luck or ain't taking enought risks, but I can see how being humble enough to acknowledge your weaknesses can be attractive
I don't know, it just feels so impossible to meet someone willing to commit into a serious relationship that's not either someone I wouldn't want to live with or someone that does not care at all
I think you are mistaking one crucial part here. You don't have to have COMPLETED all of the parts before you are able to find a girlfriend. That's not the point. Working on yourself is an eternal struggle, and no one can ever be perfect, but they can strive to be the best version of themselves. Besides, you cannot have any idea how you truly look like in a relationship unless you actually get in one. Introspection and healthy appearance is something that you work towards and maintain, it's not something you get once and that's it.
But that's exactly what is so liberating about the whole thing, you don't have to reach the end of your inner and outer goals before you begin dating. As long as you keep at it, you will see positive results.
One solid piece of advice I can give you is to focus on learning to have platonic relationships with the opposite sex, as Dr K mentioned. It is INCREDIBLY hard to truly connect with someone you only view as potential partner material and literally nothing else.
@@tonyoik1012 I've been into a couple relationships and I've learned multiple things from them, I don't really make an effort to look better but I have self-esteem enough to not look bad.
I also agree that you need to add to a relationship, not be completed by one.
I'm not saying everything is wrong and I don't have problems to solve or people are just bad, I'm just expressing that it's too hard and complicated and that I feel like it shouldn't be
edit: Sorry, I didn't read properly, but yeah, I agree you don't have to complete all parts of yourself before meeting someone, but it does sound tiring that you need to work on everything for something that should be natural.
also, I do have woman friends and I don't meet every one with the intent of having a relationship or something, it's just that the longer you be alone, the lonier you feel, and when that happens you long for companionship
what i'm learning more and more over time is that getting into a relationship or not is not as much on my hands as it is up to chance because nowadays dating is so fucked there is not much you can do but do your own things and hope someone finds that attractive (and then hope you also find that person attractive back)
most of the time i dont find them attractive back. actually all the time
@@stephanieherman2861 My strategy is to only focus on being attractive to the kinds of people that I'd find attractive.
@stephanieherman2861 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️ maybe lower your standards or get to bettering yourself to bump into the people your more attractive to.
@@stephanieherman2861I think a lot of males are NOT attractive physically or emotionally.
@@stephanieherman2861 same. it feels like the rare people who are into me are people who are even worse off than me mentally, like way worse. i may not have all my shit together, but i'm resilient, and know i will get it together when the time is right
13 years in therapy since i was 22 , and i still feel lost in pretty much every aspect of my life , i've made some progress but this needs to change , especially when your only option is "go to therapy , take this pill , etc" i'm starting to believe some people need more than " you'll be fine and you can do it".
That's when coaching comes into the equation
By the way no i don't have problems getting a girlfriend is me not sabotaging said relationship with many intrusive thoughts , probably low self esteem even though i most of the time appear confident to people around me. ( Don't even know how this can be since i'm actually not confident but always overthinking everything )
Then it sounds like you are not struggling with every aspect of your life. Your social skills are fine. It's your mental health that needs work.
@@MinosML Thinking about it , in my country i couldn't find anything similar to "coaching" so i couldn't turn anywhere else to make a true change in my life , it's the time that i feel i've wasted that haunts me...
@@raapyna8544 Oh no believe me , i've made 0 friends in the last 12 years, only 1 friend remains but i'm greatful for such awesome human being putting up with my nonesense
I have very deep trust issues when it comes to people becouse of physical and psychological abuse from my parents, not to mention that i always tried to protect my sisters from said abuse ( i couldn't be there always but i tried my best , took beatings from them , and fought my parents when they were saying nonsense to them etc)
It got so bad that police would come every now and then and do NOTHING , my sisters used to ask me to sleep in my room becouse they were afraid...
"I'm afraid mom/dad is going to kill us" I would of course say " i would never let anyone hurt you, mom and dad would never do something like that ..." , my 3 sisters spent years sleeping in my room afraid, not knowing that i was also terrified but at the same time trying to make them happy and laugh...
My many therapists over the years have made remarks about how incredibly insane our situation was and they end up saying " it's incredible you are this sane ! you are doing more than great"
I'm not giving up just yet but my life feels like a blur i wouldn't miss.
“We are Not trained thinkers”
….”think about it for a sec”
Dr K whatttttt!😭😭
Honestly needed this perspective. A lot to unpack from this. Huge point that hit home was learning how to form plutonic relationships and how all the emotional/sexual needs get tangled and can scare off women. Unfortunately due to not knowing how to form that plutonic relationship, especially with someone I was almost immediately interested in, I've done that to the person I'm crushing on and she's hit that 'creeped out and scared' point, it's a co worker. I've asked her out twice, and the last thing that pushed it too far was asking what she'd be up to on a future day because I was just so focused on getting to know her outside of work. Not sure how to recover, I figure I'll just continue saying hello in the morning and try to back up and back off to maybe reach a mutual comfort point, but I'm really just not sure. Anxiety really threw me through the wringer with this.
Another thing that hit home in the video was the secure - anxious - avoidant attachment styles, I've been trying to pinpoint my discomfort with myself for a long time and the anxious attachment style described it perfectly; another thing to work on myself about, one thing that's been at forefront of my stress over the last 3 weeks.
What can I do to form a plutonic relationship? What kind of mindset can I take on to salvage my situation? I really do like this girl, but struggling would be an understatement. I have been focusing on active listening information and other skills I think I need improvement on, but as you started off with, diagnostics matter and I think, after hearing you mention plutonic relationships, I can conclude my diagnoses has been wrong everyday for 3 weeks.
Thank you HealthyGamer, I shall follow these steps thoroughly and fail at them miserably :3c
keep your chin up bro!!
@@Jahsicles me and u both dude
If you fail, you will fail spectacularly!
I you follow these steps thoroughly you have not failed, you have won. Now you have a better understanding of yourself, a stronger sense of identity and perhaps better habits and increased social skills.
@ this precisely
Thx Dr K. You healed me, now i don't want a girlfriend anymore.
I wouldn’t suggest emotional bonding right away. I got into a situation ship with an avoidant woman who seemed on the level at first. Give it a month. Look at signs of immaturity and if they keep testing you it isn’t looking good. I sadly got attached and not im feeling it. Guard your heart guys
@@andrewquiroz4335 guard your heart sounds like a losing strategy, just learn your lessons and move on bruh
Men shouldn't try emotional bonding before she wants to anyway.
@@andrewquiroz4335 from behalf of avoidant womens, i wanna say sorry. we are scared kids in adult bodies. hope she is seeking therapy. i think you as a warm person was attractive to her. im sure you are a nice guy and i hope you find or grow a secure relationship sooner or later in life.
yep, not an emotional attachment first month. think of this as trial
I really like the GG CHAT and the ending message! fun, not too serious, and then ending on a lowkey heartfelt note
Effort, rejection, pain, avoidance
In my experience I'd say it's more like: Investment, rejection, pain, avoidance.
The problem for me is not asking someone out and getting rejected, it's going out with someone, investing into that and then finding out they never took you seriously or they just show up one day with some other guy.
So it's not the rejection from some stranger, it's the pain of rejection after having invested in someone you thought were taking you seriously only to find out you were nothing to them.
This! Exactly.. it hurts that the time you invested into someone is in vain.
Women go through this, too. It's about mutual investment and so many other things.
Investment implies a transaction. When investing in someone / something, we expect a return on investment, otherwise why would we be doing it. This can make it very hard to connect. (The video adresses this in the part about "internal pleasure" and being attached to actions instead of outcomes.)
@@TheTwoHeadedDragon It becomes different when people use you. If you are always attached to action without outcome then you're a slave. You're essentially advocating for relationships where one side gives and one takes instead of give and take on both sides. That's parasitic.
But that's not really the point, you're being too literal. Investment is just spending time with a person and making them and their life part of your life and all that comes with it.
@@TheTwoHeadedDragon Actually, the analogy kind of works anyway. If you invest in a company, you don't always get a return, but you expect the company to act in good faith and be transparent and honest and you can cut your losses if things don't go well. If you invest in a relationship with person, then you'd want the same thing. If they're not feeling it, they should let you know, not string you along, play into your advances and leech until they get bored.
"You need to go out, go to the gym, learn to be flirtatious and sexy !" It's so over guys
LMAO right? I'm an average (appearance wise at least) 21 yr old living near a big city in the rust belt of the US... SO SO OVER
Never had a chance begin with..
Why do I have to do all this work when people who are in way worse condition (mentally and physically) than me get into relationships seemingly out of thin air. I’ve spent years and years and years working hard on myself just to see a girl with a guy who constantly disrespects her and does this and that. But me trying to be the best version of myself doesn’t even get a chance. Make it make sense.
People can fall in love with someone who is bad, just as someone can fall in love as someone who is good. Typically, in relationships where the guy disrespects the girl, it usually started off as excellent, but devolved into constant abuse after a couple of months/years. At that point, women (the same can be said in the opposite scenario, this problem is not gender-specific) are too afraid to leave because they don't value themselves (they don't believe they deserve anything better). You shouldn't look at relationships like that and say "wow, I can be an asshole and still be in a relationship, since I haven't been in a relationship, I must be even worse than asshole", because those men initially offered something of value to their SO, it just got muddied after some time because of the disrespect of the guy.
You just need to accept that nothing is black and white, and even in disrespectful and toxic relationships, initially, there was a lot of value in it. What you need to figure out is what you can offer in a relationship, what can you bring to the table to make a woman say "wow, I really love spending time with him!". Generally, you can't make a woman say that if you are desperate, which is exactly what I smell from your 30 word comment. Would you like to have a guy friend who constantly spams you to spend time with them? Just interact with women like normal people, and if you're a good person, you'll find some you vibe with, and who vibes with you, and at that point you just have to be open with them and start a conversation about a possibility of a romantic connection.
Ever since I've started to acknowledge my personal issues, started being emotionally vulnerable around women, and started being more comfortable around them, the more success I got romantically.
@@crimsonair8890Very well said!
@@crimsonair8890this 100%. A lot of those “assholes” who initially do well with girls do so because they mistake the guys arrogance and narcissism for confidence.
Don’t be jealous of them, try to work on building your own true confidence
@@crimsonair8890 This. 👏🏻
Nah, I'm not ready for a gf yet. I couldn't handle the whole situation
Nothing wrong with that
true for me
Same here, I need to get myself in a stable situation before I can start thinking about being in a stable relationship.
No cap "Adopt a child" (Don't have to be literally) first see how things work out, if you like it maybe you can get a gf then, i would pretty much advise the same for girls.
If you seem to like kids as in play and can understand what they are saying or rather are trying to say intuitively then you are A ok.
Next when interacting with adults understand these beings are not people they only have 1 ego state and that is of a child, severally mentally retired child so i would refer you to a book by Harriet Eleanor Blodgett "Mentally "retired" children;: What parents and others should know"
hide the fact that you know that they are "retired" and act accordingly you should have no problems then.
Thanks
Excellent video. I got divorced last year in my early forties and it has been a hard and lonely time, maybe more so because of the difficulty of meeting new people altogether rather than failing to get into the same mind space with women, sort of. But this video is a great checklist, with stuff I've noticed myself from own experiences and some things I have to keep in mind not to fall into easy traps when getting too negative on life in general.
18:36 so funny: this just happened to me and I am happy. I worked up the courage to tell a girl I have been crushing on the entire semester I liked them and they said they weren’t interested but I was still proud of myself because this was the first time I asked someone that I liked and I never did that before. (Of course I have dated before but those people asked me.) so of course I still wish they said yes 😊but in the end I am so happy because I did it!
That was brave... A great way, too, is just to invite them to something with a few others, then find time to chat with them alone. See I'd you havw things in common and ask if she would like to do one of those things together... If she agrees to spend time with you that is a good sign, then it is safer with small flirting or features to see how she responds... Then flirt... Try small things and see how she responds.... Look for small cues... And then you know to step forward or stop... It's a safer way with someone in your social circle
Lets fucking go bro! You did what 90% of guys wouldn't have done :) Keep the momentum going and keep shooting your shots
Coping...
In other words, it's not going to happen. GG
Rarely do I click on a notif so fast
Thank GOD I'm subbed🙏🙏🙏🙏
Changing the question from how do I get a gf" to "why don't I have a gf" is so brilliant. Instead of assuming you need to be fit, wealthy, social, funny,... the 2nd question already assumes these things in a way. It gives me soo much confidence
I don’t have one because I’m not a normie I have little in common with the average person and I’m a 4/10 in looks while being attracted to 1% of the population
18:10 I think that a rather big issue around this concept of creating identify is that it's a common tactic to berate virgin and less sexually active men for their state, as if it was one of the main aspects determining value of a male in current society.
I can to a degree understand why toxic men without that problem spread this agenda, as competition is a common occurrency and driving force between men and objectification of women is sadly sometimes a part of this reality, but such rhetoric comming from women themselfs look to me like it's directly clashing with the whole societal change of desexualization and deobjectification that are one of the most universaly desired outcome shared by women as a community.
You should really not lump billions of women into one agreeable group. I think it would expedite you in understanding that plenty of women would not berate a virgin or less sexually active men. And eventually you might even realize they are people just like men, possessing both good and bad traits, behaviors, etc
This is the only time I clicked fast for a HealthyGamerGG video
Same, I usually get notification for them and then maybe watch after a couple of days. Here it was insta click
@@malborboss same😂,I only don't click it because it don't relate to me
This is wonderful. Brill. Very, very insightful and helpful. We want to derive pleasure from our actions, rather than outcomes. One mere example on the humor aspect here (for a priceless second): the expression on the word "desperate" is hilarious.
I love this video even though I'm not looking for a girlfriend. I needed to know if this video has better advice than the red pill machoism type of videos. Lots of solid things here I talk about with my friends.. I'm glad that this video exists, anyone should watch it.
to be fair redpill isnt even advice. it's "they are wrong" validation
@@SpieleSuchti894 redpill is literally "go to gym, make more money, buy my dating course" its mostly grifter slop
You know honestly i dont even want a girlfriend im perfectly content with being alone, at least at this stage of my life but i find these videos so interesting to watch because I had this mindset of why cant i get a girlfriend back in highschool and was depressed because of it, and it always validated me to know that other men have or are experiencing the same situation and mentality that I used to go through, because i always thought I was weird for not having one during highschool even though I was actively trying.
LET'S GOOOO TUTORIAL JUST DROPPED 🗣🗣🗣🗣
‘The parts of ourselves that we ignore are where all of our problems arise from’ KABOOM
Are attachment styles black and white? Or can I be like 70% healthy with 30% anxious?? How do you guys feel it is for you? Are you 100% in one bucket?
They arent black and white. There is an an anxious-avoidant type. And as you said there may be certain things that get to you. I feel like its rare to be 100% in one bucket though
It's more like a spectrum and a mixture of attachment styles
You can most def be a mix. Plus, some ppl can come along & inadvertently trigger things you weren't aware needed work or present you with situations you haven't been in before. Relationships are a dance.
I think you missed the point a little bit Dr. K. Emotional connection is what most of us are seeking. We were told that improving yourself makes you more attractive to potential mates. The point being, that it would help us get the initial match on dating apps. As you said, we evolved for real life interaction. But most of us are lacking in choices in that area. That's why we have to use dating apps. But we can't even get an initial match, to even be able to try to form an emotional connection through conversation. Do you understand now? We can't form a connection when no one will even talk to us. THAT'S the point.
Banger video Dr. K. I've been on a self-improvement kick for a while now and have been getting very frustrated that nothing ever seems to "work." Just what I needed to hear right now.
As someone who works as a therapist and heavily invests this topic and enjoys learning about relationships this is by far one of the absolute best videos I have ever seen. I love your videos Dr. K and this one is a home run!
thanks bro ngl im glad i didnt jump to the conclusions but the reasons u gave genuine almost exacly related to me and i realized thats why i feel werid when people compliment me
It's super easy to never have a proper girlfriend into middle age. I'm living proof.
diagnose 31 ugly and social awkward adhd . only thing i learned that everybody is horrible. no matter how much you do your best ,i'll always treaded like shit
@cortesimerci35 yep, seeking approval. Wrong. Gave up trying to find someone years ago. I dont even have ppl that i can consider talking to, so whos approval do i seek.
The point you made about learning to form platonic relationships with women without dumping all your emotional needs onto them is really important. It’s very challenging but can be a good stepping stone.
It’s not that important.
You say that, but most ppl I know in relationships don’t really have many opposite sex friends
Amazing video! Thank you so much, made me reflect on myself and my personal struggles 🧡
Mental health professionals reluctance to take responsibility for important outcomes in their patients lives 💯
This is about to become Dr K's most viewed video
And that's really sad when you think about it. :/
@@someguycalledcerberus9805 I don't think so, I think it's completely normal that people want someone to spend time with
@@mvashi It's normal to want to eat, but if the most popular video on a channel was "how to find food" that would be concerning.
The sad part is that so many people are unable to fulfill a basic and normal human need.
I do agree with you on this
The era of instant entertaining and fast results really made finding and investing on a individual hard
And people peing lost with reallity over internet addiction and etc.. make it worse@@someguycalledcerberus9805
@@someguycalledcerberus9805 engineered dystopia
bro is gonna get his license reprimanded again 💀
Again?? What happened previously?
@@Steven_DunbarSL I haven't been watching for long but he seems like he knows his stuff and tries to keep up to date, I'm curious what happened too
@@Steven_DunbarSL stupid drama from the internet, as usual.
Basically he talked to a streamer that had been suicidal for years.
After the talk, the streamer said it was helpful to him.
And like a year later, he finally had a successful attempt at ending his life, and some people couldn't help but say it was because of him having talked to Dr. K
Hope that clears things up.
@@ROVERLORDD_ what do you mean ? He made him more succesful 😂😂😂
@@smiercksiazka776 not a funny remark. Its tragic what happened to him
The low self esteem thing really hits home
I've been gaining some self confidence nowadays but then fell into a deep hole of stress and anxiety, thanks for the help Dr.K
Even knowing all this stuff and having learned to accurately see myself (well, lets just imagine this is true), I think the effect of being in your late 20s or onwards without ever receiving any attention and only being rejected by (in my case) women just seems so unsurmountable. You've made the point about negative value judgements about oneself countless times and how patterns of the past dont have to repeat themselves.
But the thing is, these patterns do keep repeating, whether the point of reference was 1 or 10 years ago.
Why continue to beat your head against the brick wall of dating
Dont force it. Either u two connect, or u don't. Either she wants you, or she doesn't
This is true for a lot of folks, but it's also true that not being able to connect with others in the first place is a real and common issue. If your walls are too thick or your social skills are too... shall we say lacking (think of incels and such), then that's an issue that needs to be resolved first. She can only carry the relationship for so long, if she's even willing to/in a position to do so in the first place.
I agree don’t force it, but the other stuff isn’t that binary. I recall the matchmaker Patti Stanger from the reality show Millionaire Matchmaker would say some women are “crockpot women” (this could obviously apply to men too)….this resonates with me. I need more time getting to know someone, more time to warm up to them. I wouldn’t say it’s from a lack of trust or anything but rather that I need more established trust and a more established foundation in more typical friendship ways, particularly because I strongly value curiosity and high mental stimulation/engagement (aka good conversations). People (guys) mostly move way too fast for me in my experience and ultimately the efforts to move faster, escalate, etc just backfire.
If I continue to communicate and hang out with someone, for me it’s closer to the “she wants you” option but it’s probably not gonna be obvious to people who don’t understand this sorta “crockpot” way. I imagine it presents as ambivalent, apathetic, unserious or something like that. I’ve experimented with being more upfront to varying degrees but honestly a lot of guys basically ignore or selectively listen and additionally don’t really do “checkins” (like asking “how are feeling about things” or something). As a woman, it’s a catch 22 to do this earlier on to guys because a sizable amount of guys will just say whatever if they think it gets them sex and it’s difficult to discern if a guy is that type or not.
To some extent, this was a long winded way of saying, try asking your date how they feel (if they feeling connected, attracted, or whatever specific thing). I think a lot of women would find this to be attractive even as it presents as having communication skills, being considerate, respectful, etc
there is a guy above you who said he tried for 35 years until he turned 50 and for 35 years he received nothing by rejections. i feel like this is the future for most people here
Spoiler she doesn't
If she does it's for a few months until she gets bored, or you show real love
There is far too much rejection rn in life IN GENERAL.
Grandpa really could work hard and achieve something!
Do the same thing now? Nope.
Thb though i dont think ill ever have a relationship even after this video. Im 18 but I am like severely anxious, can't hold a platonic friendship with women without eventually coming off as a creep, and have tons of self-esteem issues. I am in college now and don't think ill ever form those skills necessary to get a girl either cause I find myself too busy/nervous to talk to people most of the time. Honestly idk what id do without the internet haha. Though the point about not looking for people broken like you and trying to find a secure attachment was damm good advice that completely changed my world view, but in turn also made me realize to connect with a securely attached person id have to overcome all of the above so.... yeah. GL to you all though.
Do you want a relationship? Where do your self esteem issues originate from?
Just find unattractive women and try talking to them the same way you'd be talking with men. Superficial friendships are easy to form, be they with men or women.
How you'll actually move on to an actual relationship from there - that I do not know.
Those are things you think about yourself, not who you are. You have to believe that you are worth it
If you think that sh1t's supposed to be easy, it's not. Only 40÷ of men reproduced historically. 60÷+ below 30 have no s3x. If you don't feel like doing it, don't do it despite what others may say. You can go to a hook3r (a more experienced one) to gain confidence. weightlifting helped me with anxiety.
@@merkuree Prolly no dad, I'm in the same boat and I feel like shit really wrecked me on some level, besides just being dirt poor in a one parent household
Im so impeessed how he explain such topics. I love this types of videos, watched the dopamin video before. Awsome channel
This is a very good video. Thank you for creating it!
This is more of a how to HAVE a girlfriend than about actual GETTING a girlfriend.
Getting one is off initial attractive this is more of talking stage material
@@Ninjabdul rip to us guys who just aren't flashy and wealthy enough lol
Unfortunately simply “asking women what they want”, especially in a group setting, will mostly yield lies.
You’ll get very different answers from the same woman depending if you ask the same question in front of people compared to asking it as a friend in a one-on-one setting
Almost like different women want different things cause they're human beings lol
There is a ton of research in the realm of stated preferences vs. revealed preferences that nearly everyone who should know better ignores.
Bro said he gets different answers from the same person but just in different contexts @@sallijunttila3006
Regardless of the setting they just lie. No woman has ever told me what they looked for and it actually lines up with who they go out with. Idk if it’s a conscious thing they do, but asking women what they look for is stupid because they don’t have to look to find someone who likes them
Just went home from a date in which she was talking and I was full psychologist mode, it’s literally the only thing I can do
Don't become her therapist, you'll become exhausted and burnt out. Make sure you snag a girl who's as emotionally supportive as you are, and appreciates your psychoanalyzing. There are a lot of us out there, who treasure men like you, it just might take some rounds of rejection to find one. Don't settle! If she was put off by your nature, or she felt exhausting to you, she's not a safe bet.
@@ghostratsarahI 100% agree. I dealt with someone like that and eventually had a meltdown and in the end I ended up looking like the bad guy.
Don't try to save anyone. Don't be anyone's therapist.
There must be someone else who they can talk to about those kinds of problems
Is psych content all you consume? You might have to reset and take a break from it all. Go find another kind of media or hobby to try out.
@@MuhluriYeah or they throw you away
In conclusion: NEVER EVER be ANYONE's therapist. EVER!
Seriously, there's not even a single exception here, don't make any exception! NEVER be anyone's therapist!!!
I think you nailed it with the trained thinkers part. I studied math and it really changed my outlook on life and how i approach certain problems. It gave me a lot of space in my head. Although these days i mostly use my intuitive thinking and let the ideas come to me, I have a vast array of tools at my use to verify whether these ideas are really what they seem and validate the thought process.
I think that's what a lot of education today lacks and it translates very very directly to every life area. I am able to grow very fast in a certain new area thanks to that skillset.
But on the other hand, learning that type of thinking is very hard. Just grasping the basic concepts of formal critical thinking takes at least a year of dedicated work for a competent person. It gives me great sadness to realize that with high probability many people will never achieve high capacities of such thinking. Maybe future teaching methods will change that
This video is gold, all the reasoning and advices together
I hope iam not alone in this but there is a conflict between two parts of me , one part of me , the part that is wired to find a mate wants a partner but the other part wants to be alone for whole life and have calculated the cost benefit ratio and says cost far more outweighs benefits. So on some days i think what i need is a girlfriend but on some days i think I am better alone.
Yeah same
Women should just start the initation honestly, most of the animal kingdom women chooses then man. This would avoid any creepy male interactions, eliminate false understandings and save both sides from having unwanted interactions. If no woman interacts with you, your cooked if you cant find a man you like, its a you problem, both sides cant point the finger at anyone but themselves. Women fear for their own safety from men, granted less life threatening men know most women carry pepper spray where its legal as a deterrent, and the second they use it its guilty until proven innocent. America grows ever so divisive and humans overall start to fear/hate each other. There is defiantly a macro overarching problem with the world atm and this lonleyness epidemic on both sides is just a byproduct of it.
Good idea on paper that would be bad in reality. They’re already used to not approaching. Besides, if they suddenly all started approaching, they’d only approach a slim number of men. More guys would end up perpetually single and lonely.
@@stephengrant4841 exactly it would just be tinder in real life lol
I would approach, but i'm afraid to do it. Idk, men seems to be more cruel rejecting a woman if they don't find her attractive.
@@moonamoonz I think it goes both ways, if someone rejects you cruely you just dodged a red flag. man or woman
I don’t have one because I gave up and am not looking for somebody anymore. And I’m okay with this conclusion now, which is kinda scary. But a win is a win.
Yeah pass on that stuff, it just wasn't meant to be
Interesting take on the topic. Keep up the good work Dr. K!
divorcing yourself from outcomes and just being satisfied with effort isn't gonna work for vast majority of people
The trending page isn't ready for this one 🗣🗣🗣
Is easy if you are willing to lower your standards and get a girl with lots of baggage.
For unattractive males there is no way to get a real partner, you either get it because of money or because you are her "settle down", at the end of the day is that even real? Maybe if you are making tons of money as a 30yo you can get a decent 20 something.
That's extremely pessimistic, there's definitely women who care very little about appearances and are attracted to emotional health and capability. You're assuming the toxic/shallow ones are the majority, and that's not true for the same reason it isn't for men.
It's ironic. For the longest time I was depressed because I couldn't get a gf. But once I worked through my issues, my depression, I realized that I don't even want one really. And the weirdest part - once I stopped caring, girls started to approach me and hang out with me :D And I even fell in love with one girl out of nowhere, just because she was such a nice person and we were a good fit for each other. Dr. K told a similar story many times, how he only found success with relationships once he let go of it
im gonna be the doomer guy in your comments who doubts this story is real
@@SpieleSuchti894 i think its true, for some reason when in your head your not actively thinking about girls, girls can sense that or something and go and try to get you to think about them. And when you do think about them, they don't. It seems like they got a sensor in their brain for this.
Smells like survivorship bias.
I believe in you man, another important factor is luck/fate, like someone could have done the same thing as you but it is not guaranteed that he'd get the same results, but happy for you though!
@@pixelforg oh, absolutely, luck is a big factor, and there are many people who just get unlucky despite doing everything right. And to the people above - I hope they find peace of mind
Phenomenal video Dr.K, I am a huge fan of all your content, you give such insightful theories and amazing examples/descriptions.
Thanks for the content. Ive learned so much from you. Keep up the great work.
2:15 I'm french, in my 3 years of studying psychology, you inspired alot. I laught hard because where i'm studying (Freud / Lacan : Psychanalyse) to a certain extent it's the feeling I have during class... I feel like i'm in a cult sometimes x-p !
You lost me at the second word
@@aidenrodgers681 What do you mean, May I help you ?
@@torpote he's making a joke about not liking the French
@@Mario_Lugo It was very funny.
Thanks for the clarification Mario
Lacan is cool in the realm of philosophy, but man I would never trust a Freudian or Lacanian therapist to help me 😂
Great info, a note I’d like to add for situations outside of dating apps: a lot of women feel very uneasy if it seems that you are talking to them under the pretense of trying to figure out if they’re a potential partner. Under that pretense, we function with the awareness that you may be putting up a mask of kindness to get something from us. This is a protective defense mechanism. The best way to prevent women from feeling that way towards you is going into conversations sincerely without expectations. Only if you have a genuinely enjoyable, reciprocal conversation/report, should you then consider asking her out. This requires a lot of self awareness and willingness to be platonic until there’s an actual mutual spark and a willingness to accept that there might not ever be a spark
Dude you came exactly when I needed this, I have a girl that has been into me but I’m stuck at having expressed my feelings, addressing mutual feelings (not really well tho), and just chilling for now and flirting
What do you mean by stuck? Are you enjoying how things are going with the person?
@ I mean stuck in that I definitely feel some mutual romantic connection, but my samskara of not being enough as I am - without having to prove that my internal qualities are worth considering - is scaring me away from taking a definite next step. I’m enjoying how things are going now, it seems like she’s growing more comfortable and opening herself up to further the relationship. At the same time I don’t have confidence that she knows me well enough to see how my good qualities cancel out what I’m insecure about (awkwardness, inexperience w girls, masculinity and inadequacy). Basically torn between keeping my chill in the flirtatious and safe zone where the attraction is there but not defined (side 1) and then taking the next steps and asking her out or asking what she wants out of the relationship or something (side 2). I hope this was readable and concise enough !
@@connorholmes8786 If you converse in the right way, she will notice those qualities. For example, not a lot of men actually ask women questions on a date (look this up, its really common LOL). If you ask her questions about herself and display genuine interest that's a green flag.
What other qualities may you have you're probably wondering? Well, if you really have such qualities, you'll already be naturally expressing them unless you deliberately block your authenticity. Remember, pretending to be someone you're not will actually backfire and make you look like a bad person (this is how a lot of players operate). And if she sees your authenticity as unattractive or whatever, then she was never good for you.
For example, if you're nurturing, you'll probably be attentive and considerate. If you're empathic, you'll be non-judgemental. Communication naturally resolves a lot of misconceptions about the other person. So, flow with the river.
Spend time with them, and stuff will figure itself out, usually
No, this absolutely me, and it makes perfect sense.
I have a best friend, but he's still a senior in high school, and I'm a freshman in college, so we talk sparsely.
I basically don't talk to friends ever. Not daily, at least. When I become friends with a female, I ALWAYS develop a crush. It doesn't matter to my brain if they don't check my boxes. The emotional connection always turns into a crush. It's so weird because aside from immediate family the people I'm closest to are my two female cousins who are the same age as me. I love spending time with them because they just always bring an energy or connection that no one does in my life, not my sister and not my male friends, so it's so refreshing to have a "built in" female friend. So I don't understand why I can't let myself have a female friend. But it totally makes sense that having a female friend, or even just closer friends, would help me dump less onto people that I'm interested in.
This was the best video on the topic I have ever seen. Thank you for educating so many people with your knowledge, I'm subscribing! ❤
Strange that the top 10% don't need to connect emotionally, his status will make the emotional connection with her all by itself without him doing anything. No wonder Dr K dislikes the red pill.
Nah, I'm out of this, tired of the bull.
Lmao
Quick sexual relationships don't actually have emotional depth 90% of the time. Your mind is clouded with pessimism and you're misidentifying lust for love.
@@suruxstrawde8322 Or it's your mind thats clouded by too much fairytale thin.... eeerm I mean optimism. Yeah, in 90% of cases she had an emotional connection with him and he didn't have any with her. Yeah, that's why it lacks depth, but the thing I'm wondering about is whether she made that connection on her part anyway.
@@suruxstrawde8322 These words emotional connection the other gender has invented and you're using them to rationalize things.
@@nightmareTomek
Ah you mean when women are starstruck, that's obsession, and also lust. Not love. It's also not exclusive to women, men also have status related crushes on celebrities of many kinds, and in both cases it's not a genuine connection on either side as it's parasocial and shallow.