i mean theres really no point in getting a girlfriend if you have unresolved trauma. being there for another person's problems is really emotionally taxing, now imagine if you have unresolved trauma
@@rodrigo_tmto highlight the fallacy: you are acknowledging the emotional baggage and trauma of your partner while invalidating your own. What do you think your girlfriend would say if she heard you say that? Probably hard to think of an answer to that question when you can't imagine a girlfriend (that cares). A relationship is a form of collaborative story telling, your traumas and past are just as important of a component as theirs to the whole.
What a good video. Honestly, I often think to myself "I don't need a girlfriend, fuck dating", and then I go "Wait, is that my mind trying to make me avoid the uncomfort process of getting a girlfriend? Is my mind trying to supress its own desires?". I still cannot decide which one is correct though.
Sounds like you lack confidence, if you knew that you had chance you wouldnt feel that way. It sounds like your subconscious are doing wrong success estimations...
Obviously it is because of the tone of ‘FUCK dating’. If it was not you would NOT use this language and tone. If it was from a more non coping bs way you would instead say ‘ Now is pointless to date because i want all my energy and focus at this stage in my life towards this final exam / upcoming competition like a athlete etc.
I’ve been single for five years. I thought I had resigned myself to just stay single but just last week a girl actually approached me. Today we exchanged numbers and later tonight I’m gonna ask how her day was. I’m not trying to brag. I just wanted to say that I think I can do this. I’m gonna choose to take this video as a sign that I should try my best.
Instructions unclear: I'm trying to be the very best, that noone ever was. Now battling my six girlfriends against the girlfriends of 8 Gym leaders. Uncertain how this happened.
I did a lot more than just go to the gym. I went to eight gyms and defeated the elite four. Why do I still not have a girlfriend? I should have a wife and 10 kids by now.
0. Be in love not just liking eachother 1. Have fun together (spend time together) 2. Feel comfortable and appreciated around each other 3. Respect each other and listen to each other to a degree of point 2 > Do that in general, do not put gender roles into it. Everyone wants this and/or at the very least appreciates it.
@@Kino_Cartoonehhh isnt that the other way around? like, being in the right kind of love, just enables all of that like a switch. my expetience though. it either happens bco feelings or i dunno whats wrong.
@@Kino_Cartoon you see i know all of this, what i dont get is why i become so uninteresting down the line. its like im worth keeping enough to get cheated on, but not worth leaving enough to be honest with. i think im just the last human being left on this rock.
Dr K really messed up by saying that. I like to just brush rejection aside and end the interaction. I feel grateful that the girl didn't waste my time and I move on to a better girl.
Very true. Usually dr k videos are months old when I find them. The only other one I clicked early was the “how to be happy alone” which was uploaded 40 ish minutes before I watched it 🤣
I used to be a loser with no friends, girlfriend, or money. Then I switched from Windows 10 to Arch Linux, now I live in a mansion with a hot European wife and 2 Latin American side chicks.
I love how you're putting such emphasis on diagnosis. I've gone to quite a few doctors and therapists who refused to diagnose anything- it was literally their philosophy, only treating the symptoms (coughphysiatrycough), their treatments always made me significantly worse. The best doctors dig for the underlying problem, before throwing a fix at it. Not diagnosing before jumping into treatment can instantly ruin your life.
With your opinion, it is not surprise it didn't work, it was you how decided that it would not work, so it not work. You waste they and your time. If someone don't remember who this problem begin, you don't need to remind it to change it. But it is important how _you_ view things, so then you are not open on therapy or therapies don't listen to what you are saying, this leading to nowhere.
Holy shit... I have to say, I recently got diagnosed with adhd, after a severe depression. Started asking myself, who am I and why am I. So I researched about adhd and neurodiversity. Stumbled multiple times over you videos, watched and learned from your videos and when I had severe anxiety symptomes I could relax myself or lower the symptoms. And I have to say there is no other youtuber or article out there, that can better describe every situation that made me feel triggered in the past. I feel like you lived my life and used me for study. After seeing this video I was so shocked how perfectly you described what I was thinking in the past about getting a girlfriend or having the feeling of beeing rejected. 13:38-15:05 is so freaky because that is exactly all the time what was going on in my mind and I somehow always knew it but didnt want it to realize, because I felt during that time not beeing really in control of my life (like automated) and had no sense of who I actually am. Your Videos helped me so much you cant even imagine. Because of you I survived and that not because you actively helped me by talking with me or perscribing meds but you shared your knowledge. I finally found an answer to my question that bothered me 22 years long "why am I like that". Because of you I slowly menaged to gain control of my body and also start undestanding people more. I found your videos in a time where I zoned out starting to have suicidal thoughts, wich I knew havent come out of myself. Because of you I menaged to become nearly symptomes free in 6 months and in addition to that I got severly hooked up in undestanding the psychology and neurology of humans. In my opinion you are doing an perfect job. You are really amazing and I am pretty sure that there are thousends of viewers out there that got aswell the chance to life longer and finally enjoy beeing alive just because you are here and decided to produce these videos. You taught me in that 6 months that yes indeed you can enjoy life. Thank you from all my hart. Greetings from Germany
I feel this. I struggled with really bad depression in high and into my early 20s. Tried various antidepressants for like a year and even though they didn’t help a ton, it did help me change my trajectory. Managed to finish school and get a career started and shortly after that pursued the ADHD diagnosis. Stimulants help my depression much better. I felt a sense of loss, confusion, grief to some extent for maybe two years proceeding diagnosis but it’s long since passed now. If you haven’t tried stimulants yet, I would suggest it. They can alleviate some variations of anxiety that might be resulting from or exacerbated by ADHD
Yea I got aderall but my problem is that the symptoms still bother me a lot when I dont take them and who wants to stay permanently on pills haha. And I am actually doing a lot progress changing adhd habbits or reducing the symptoms by learning about the big why. I started to kind of re-wire my brain or the way I think by learning and it helped me really a lot even when I am not taking meds for days/weeks. I mean the motivation still stays most of the time without meds unpredictable but at least the impulsivity and all the judgement that was bothering me is mostly gone or heavily reduced. And the meds are helping actually in most of the other parts with adhd. So win win I guess?
He just like me, for real. Real talk, though, bro, I've had similar experiences. I was depressed throughout most of my twenties and was diagnosed with ADHD at 27. You got this, brother.
I have tried for 35 years to find a relationship with a woman. I have been mostly rejected by women for 35 years. I honestly find it very hard to see any progress when I kept on getting rejected. At 50, I accepted that I failed in finding love and decided to be kind and live the rest of my life alone.
read the dating playbook for men by andrew ferebee. it will actually help you. be careful about dating advice from medical professionals, they don't get laid or know how to. other recommendations are no more mr nice guy by robert glover. whatever you do, don't give up
Does anyone else feel super overwhelmed by all this, like maybe this should have been taught at an early age, and not stumbled onto at such a late stage in life?
It's a lot, and it will take a ton of energy and time to work on this. But somehow this gives me so much hope and a positive outlook. Because it makes me realize that these things can be worked on. But yeah, parents didn't prepare us for this world. But to be fair, the world changed a lot due to technology in a short time. We will be the ones to figure this out.
At school I was very into exact sciences, and if you had said that psychology is the most important thing you can learn, I would not have believed you...
@@Darknfrog No. Because the paradigm of dating has completely changed over the last 15 years. Social media and dating apps have made "too many options" for women. The MeToo movement, and others like it, in the wake of extreme feminism have completely changed courtship. Your parents/teachers could have never prepared you for the dating climate we're all in now. It's a new age.
13 years in therapy since i was 22 , and i still feel lost in pretty much every aspect of my life , i've made some progress but this needs to change , especially when your only option is "go to therapy , take this pill , etc" i'm starting to believe some people need more than " you'll be fine and you can do it".
By the way no i don't have problems getting a girlfriend is me not sabotaging said relationship with many intrusive thoughts , probably low self esteem even though i most of the time appear confident to people around me. ( Don't even know how this can be since i'm actually not confident but always overthinking everything )
@@MinosML Thinking about it , in my country i couldn't find anything similar to "coaching" so i couldn't turn anywhere else to make a true change in my life , it's the time that i feel i've wasted that haunts me...
@@raapyna8544 Oh no believe me , i've made 0 friends in the last 12 years, only 1 friend remains but i'm greatful for such awesome human being putting up with my nonesense I have very deep trust issues when it comes to people becouse of physical and psychological abuse from my parents, not to mention that i always tried to protect my sisters from said abuse ( i couldn't be there always but i tried my best , took beatings from them , and fought my parents when they were saying nonsense to them etc) It got so bad that police would come every now and then and do NOTHING , my sisters used to ask me to sleep in my room becouse they were afraid... "I'm afraid mom/dad is going to kill us" I would of course say " i would never let anyone hurt you, mom and dad would never do something like that ..." , my 3 sisters spent years sleeping in my room afraid, not knowing that i was also terrified but at the same time trying to make them happy and laugh... My many therapists over the years have made remarks about how incredibly insane our situation was and they end up saying " it's incredible you are this sane ! you are doing more than great" I'm not giving up just yet but my life feels like a blur i wouldn't miss.
Falling in love is not just about thristing for each other's bodies Falling in love is when you stay up all night long And someone tells you about the hardships in their life Tells you about their hopes & dreams And you're there with them It's all about emotional connection
Getting lost in the little details of how they do things, getting interested in topics they like, and genuinely wanting the best for them in everything. You should be absolutely fascinated with this person, vice versa, and you should both make a good team.
This short section really resonated with me because this is something I’ve been feeling in my life recently but haven’t been able to articulate so well yet. What stood out to me more than anything else in the whole 30 minutes was the advice that men need to learn how to have platonic relationships with women. The idea that we’re “starved” in so many ways that it leads us to dump all our pent up needs and emotions on any poor random girl that begins to establish mutual connection is something I had never considered before. Even better, it’s important to make the clarification that we’re literally so starved that we mistake this budding emotional connection for “love,” and it screws us over because we overreact.
As a girl, I confirm that I always have this fear in the back of my head. Whenever I meet a new male person, I wonder if getting slightly closer to him could make him become obsessed or even a stalker. I wonder if his nice and friendly behaviour is sincere, or if he is aiming at something more from me. I know plenty of good men, and I trust my male friends, because I spent time getting to know them and now I know that our friendship is sincere. But whenever I meet a new man, as long as I don't have a proof of sincerity, I am quite wary. I bet there are plenty of men I haven't met who are super kind without ulterior motives, but there are also some who are not kind, and unfortunately I can't tell the difference before getting to know them and therefore maybe getting into troubles. That is why I am wary.
@elisaelisaross it depends on some factors. Are you good looking? If the answer is yes, the majority of guys who approach you are intrasted in you. If you are single, you should integrate new guys in your life conscious that they are probably intrasted in you romantically? If you are not single, you shouldn't integrate new guys. They are only going to make your situation harder
5:32 The thing I find with this "mistake", speaking from my own experience, is that you don't always know what your problem was in the first place, until you finally solved it. Sometimes there are things you think come from other people, when instead it comes from yourself, and the other way around too.
I had no confidence, no social life, and never had a girlfriend. Then I read Angelic Soulmate by Lentlish, and it changed my life. It reminded me of The Game by Neil Strauss but with simpler advice anyone can follow. If you’re ready to transform your mindset and find real love, this is the book for you.
Thank you so much for removing the super loud music at the end of the video! I don't know if anyone read my comment on the previous video, but I feel seen
I think you missed the point a little bit Dr. K. Emotional connection is what most of us are seeking. We were told that improving yourself makes you more attractive to potential mates. The point being, that it would help us get the initial match on dating apps. As you said, we evolved for real life interaction. But most of us are lacking in choices in that area. That's why we have to use dating apps. But we can't even get an initial match, to even be able to try to form an emotional connection through conversation. Do you understand now? We can't form a connection when no one will even talk to us. THAT'S the point.
what i'm learning more and more over time is that getting into a relationship or not is not as much on my hands as it is up to chance because nowadays dating is so fucked there is not much you can do but do your own things and hope someone finds that attractive (and then hope you also find that person attractive back)
@@stephanieherman2861 same. it feels like the rare people who are into me are people who are even worse off than me mentally, like way worse. i may not have all my shit together, but i'm resilient, and know i will get it together when the time is right
It explains things most guys don’t think about. I also learned a lot from reading a book called Flirtosphere Seduction by Vexoner. The book helped me understand women better and feel more confident. Combining tips from videos like this and the book really made a difference for me.
first of all, great conclusion to the topic before the outro, that put a smile on my face but now for my actual comment: it feels so tiring having to think about all that and improving yourself so much just to have a chance to date, and for people that feel needy and deprived of romance that feels so cruel and unfair to have people naturally creating bonds with eachother, something that should be simply natural and intuitive feels now what it must feel like playing chess against magnus carlsen himself
Girl here, honestly, just accepting the fact that you have things to work on is enough to attract a lot of good hearted women. The #1 thing women consider is "are you going to be abusive?". Once you can confidently answer "not physically or verbally, and only as emotionally as any other human being would", you're a catch. Most women nowadays also have issues, and they want a man who can relate to them. And lets face it, it's impossible for anyone to not abuse their partner to some degree. All that is expected is that you don't lash out with violence or downright cruelty. We are far simpler creatures than we're given credit for. But there is a lot of us, so it still will probably take a few rejections to settle with the most compatible one
@@ghostratsarah Any amount of abuse isn't acceptable imo. But I think I have a narrower definition of abuse than you do. Arguments and heated emotions aren't emotinally abusive, it's maliciousness and excessive mistreatment.
@ghostratsarah Maybe I'm just out of luck or ain't taking enought risks, but I can see how being humble enough to acknowledge your weaknesses can be attractive I don't know, it just feels so impossible to meet someone willing to commit into a serious relationship that's not either someone I wouldn't want to live with or someone that does not care at all
I think you are mistaking one crucial part here. You don't have to have COMPLETED all of the parts before you are able to find a girlfriend. That's not the point. Working on yourself is an eternal struggle, and no one can ever be perfect, but they can strive to be the best version of themselves. Besides, you cannot have any idea how you truly look like in a relationship unless you actually get in one. Introspection and healthy appearance is something that you work towards and maintain, it's not something you get once and that's it. But that's exactly what is so liberating about the whole thing, you don't have to reach the end of your inner and outer goals before you begin dating. As long as you keep at it, you will see positive results. One solid piece of advice I can give you is to focus on learning to have platonic relationships with the opposite sex, as Dr K mentioned. It is INCREDIBLY hard to truly connect with someone you only view as potential partner material and literally nothing else.
@@tonyoik1012 I've been into a couple relationships and I've learned multiple things from them, I don't really make an effort to look better but I have self-esteem enough to not look bad. I also agree that you need to add to a relationship, not be completed by one. I'm not saying everything is wrong and I don't have problems to solve or people are just bad, I'm just expressing that it's too hard and complicated and that I feel like it shouldn't be edit: Sorry, I didn't read properly, but yeah, I agree you don't have to complete all parts of yourself before meeting someone, but it does sound tiring that you need to work on everything for something that should be natural. also, I do have woman friends and I don't meet every one with the intent of having a relationship or something, it's just that the longer you be alone, the lonier you feel, and when that happens you long for companionship
I met my current girlfriend at the arcade. I had joined a club at my college for playing DDR, and eventually made friends through that hobby. I wasn't expecting a girlfriend, I was doing it because it was fun and was a place to go to out in public. And I guess something about me was attractive enough for her to introduce herself and eventually shoot her shot. Mind you, I never dated in high school, and had only gone on a few lackluster dating app dates before that. I'm not some super successful guy 😅
@@Navefreamo The best thing imo is to focus on enjoying life and connecting with other people. I don't make a new best friend whenever I go to bars to play pool, or go to arcades to play DDR. That would get exhausting. I just have fun with the people around me for the evening I have them in my life. I try to treat women the same way, and sometimes those women will want more than just one evening with you.
That one pacient in residency asking for help with getting girlfriend really got himself a cozy place in the brain, we heard about him so many times. And here it is, Dr Chad Thundercock delivered.
Sorry, Doctor, but I’m calling 100% BS on this “emotional availability” bit. Every, EVERY woman I’ve known, intimately or otherwise, has had NO CLUE WHATSOEVER how to handle a man who shows his emotions, grief, sadness or whatever. They’re just incapable of it. Today’s women are just as effed up as today’s men. Getting a gf is the least of my problems, looking back at the last 15 years
That's not what "emotional availability" means. It means being able to form healthy emotional connections with others. It's not a lack of self regulation where you bottle everything up until it erupts like a pressure cooker.
Then take a break. Probably you should reframe rejections as learning opportunities. Also, you should only count when you get to at least some decent conversation. And I can already tell, you are trying too hard. That repels women. When you learn the art of not giving an F about rejection (or needing to find just someone), you'll do much better.
I you follow these steps thoroughly you have not failed, you have won. Now you have a better understanding of yourself, a stronger sense of identity and perhaps better habits and increased social skills.
Honestly needed this perspective. A lot to unpack from this. Huge point that hit home was learning how to form plutonic relationships and how all the emotional/sexual needs get tangled and can scare off women. Unfortunately due to not knowing how to form that plutonic relationship, especially with someone I was almost immediately interested in, I've done that to the person I'm crushing on and she's hit that 'creeped out and scared' point, it's a co worker. I've asked her out twice, and the last thing that pushed it too far was asking what she'd be up to on a future day because I was just so focused on getting to know her outside of work. Not sure how to recover, I figure I'll just continue saying hello in the morning and try to back up and back off to maybe reach a mutual comfort point, but I'm really just not sure. Anxiety really threw me through the wringer with this. Another thing that hit home in the video was the secure - anxious - avoidant attachment styles, I've been trying to pinpoint my discomfort with myself for a long time and the anxious attachment style described it perfectly; another thing to work on myself about, one thing that's been at forefront of my stress over the last 3 weeks. What can I do to form a plutonic relationship? What kind of mindset can I take on to salvage my situation? I really do like this girl, but struggling would be an understatement. I have been focusing on active listening information and other skills I think I need improvement on, but as you started off with, diagnostics matter and I think, after hearing you mention plutonic relationships, I can conclude my diagnoses has been wrong everyday for 3 weeks.
Don't become her therapist, you'll become exhausted and burnt out. Make sure you snag a girl who's as emotionally supportive as you are, and appreciates your psychoanalyzing. There are a lot of us out there, who treasure men like you, it just might take some rounds of rejection to find one. Don't settle! If she was put off by your nature, or she felt exhausting to you, she's not a safe bet.
@@ghostratsarahI 100% agree. I dealt with someone like that and eventually had a meltdown and in the end I ended up looking like the bad guy. Don't try to save anyone. Don't be anyone's therapist. There must be someone else who they can talk to about those kinds of problems
@@MuhluriYeah or they throw you away In conclusion: NEVER EVER be ANYONE's therapist. EVER! Seriously, there's not even a single exception here, don't make any exception! NEVER be anyone's therapist!!!
@@mvashi It's normal to want to eat, but if the most popular video on a channel was "how to find food" that would be concerning. The sad part is that so many people are unable to fulfill a basic and normal human need.
I do agree with you on this The era of instant entertaining and fast results really made finding and investing on a individual hard And people peing lost with reallity over internet addiction and etc.. make it worse@@someguycalledcerberus9805
No, this absolutely me, and it makes perfect sense. I have a best friend, but he's still a senior in high school, and I'm a freshman in college, so we talk sparsely. I basically don't talk to friends ever. Not daily, at least. When I become friends with a female, I ALWAYS develop a crush. It doesn't matter to my brain if they don't check my boxes. The emotional connection always turns into a crush. It's so weird because aside from immediate family the people I'm closest to are my two female cousins who are the same age as me. I love spending time with them because they just always bring an energy or connection that no one does in my life, not my sister and not my male friends, so it's so refreshing to have a "built in" female friend. So I don't understand why I can't let myself have a female friend. But it totally makes sense that having a female friend, or even just closer friends, would help me dump less onto people that I'm interested in.
18:10 I think that a rather big issue around this concept of creating identify is that it's a common tactic to berate virgin and less sexually active men for their state, as if it was one of the main aspects determining value of a male in current society. I can to a degree understand why toxic men without that problem spread this agenda, as competition is a common occurrency and driving force between men and objectification of women is sadly sometimes a part of this reality, but such rhetoric comming from women themselfs look to me like it's directly clashing with the whole societal change of desexualization and deobjectification that are one of the most universaly desired outcome shared by women as a community.
You should really not lump billions of women into one agreeable group. I think it would expedite you in understanding that plenty of women would not berate a virgin or less sexually active men. And eventually you might even realize they are people just like men, possessing both good and bad traits, behaviors, etc
That aspect of the video desperately needs an entire 40 video of its own. The biggest problem people are facing today is that their efforts are completely decoupled from the results.
Such advice is ALWAYS this way. No one ever actually explains the getting part. This is because it is impossible to give advice on the getting part without being "problematic".
Excellent video. I got divorced last year in my early forties and it has been a hard and lonely time, maybe more so because of the difficulty of meeting new people altogether rather than failing to get into the same mind space with women, sort of. But this video is a great checklist, with stuff I've noticed myself from own experiences and some things I have to keep in mind not to fall into easy traps when getting too negative on life in general.
The point you made about learning to form platonic relationships with women without dumping all your emotional needs onto them is really important. It’s very challenging but can be a good stepping stone.
I'm single and suck at making irl friends because I spent my entire childhood pursuing my interests and waiting for extroverts to adopt me. It never failed for 21 years and then it never worked again.
Your comment with your pfp makes me assume you're a dog at the pound. It paints a very heart wrenching vision. This blurb doesn't mean much but I thought it was amusing enough to share with you.
if you are interested in you can still learn it. remember making friends is different when you are at school bored with 20 other people you see every day or when you are a grown up, living alone working from home
Unfortunately simply “asking women what they want”, especially in a group setting, will mostly yield lies. You’ll get very different answers from the same woman depending if you ask the same question in front of people compared to asking it as a friend in a one-on-one setting
Regardless of the setting they just lie. No woman has ever told me what they looked for and it actually lines up with who they go out with. Idk if it’s a conscious thing they do, but asking women what they look for is stupid because they don’t have to look to find someone who likes them
As someone who works as a therapist and heavily invests this topic and enjoys learning about relationships this is by far one of the absolute best videos I have ever seen. I love your videos Dr. K and this one is a home run!
I love this video even though I'm not looking for a girlfriend. I needed to know if this video has better advice than the red pill machoism type of videos. Lots of solid things here I talk about with my friends.. I'm glad that this video exists, anyone should watch it.
I wouldn’t suggest emotional bonding right away. I got into a situation ship with an avoidant woman who seemed on the level at first. Give it a month. Look at signs of immaturity and if they keep testing you it isn’t looking good. I sadly got attached and not im feeling it. Guard your heart guys
@@andrewquiroz4335 from behalf of avoidant womens, i wanna say sorry. we are scared kids in adult bodies. hope she is seeking therapy. i think you as a warm person was attractive to her. im sure you are a nice guy and i hope you find or grow a secure relationship sooner or later in life.
this misses the most important practical reason, and that is opportunity/access what the hell are you meant to do if you: don't have female friends, or friends that have know women don't have a place you can go to where there are women to interact with only have interest in male-exclusive hobbies (e.g. nerd stuff like board/card/wargames, etc) are not part of any online communities that have women in them you could have the best mental outlook on yourself and relationships but unless you actually know women it's over
Yeah that's the issue I have, I just don't know where to meet women that are looking for a relationship, I'm not just gonna approach every woman I see, god knows that probably get enough of that already and I don't want to come off as a creep
@@tyleralan1470I stopped caring about not having a gf because I know that this is always just a pure luck, or an act of God etc. But the point is that you can't decide to be lucky, you either lucky or not.
"only have interest in male-exclusive hobbies (e.g. nerd stuff like board/card/wargames, etc)" My dude what is this "male-exclusive hobbies" you speak of? There are women who like D&D or gaming, or Magic or board games, or plenty of other nerdy stuff. I know it because I'm one of them and I see women in those places too. It's really strange how you are talking about women as if they are a rare pokemon, that only exist in secluded parts of the world that you can't access to, but we are over half the population lol. Just broaden your horizons, get out of your internet bubble, touch some grass, and make friends. The romantic relationships will organically flow from there if there's chemistry and common interests.
The hard truth at the end was learning how to form platonic friendships because as someone who grew up sheltered and went to an all male school for a period I never really saw girls in a platonic way because that was just socially starved of me since outside of school my parents pretty much always had me at home or out with them. It's troubled me since because unless I see someone that I know I have no attraction to, talking to them for a significant period of time it becomes hard to not want a relationship out of it. This is just made worse given my social anxiety.
They arent black and white. There is an an anxious-avoidant type. And as you said there may be certain things that get to you. I feel like its rare to be 100% in one bucket though
You can most def be a mix. Plus, some ppl can come along & inadvertently trigger things you weren't aware needed work or present you with situations you haven't been in before. Relationships are a dance.
I've read up a lot on attachment theory and it's a spectrum+ fluid! Meaning you have a tendency, though depending on the person+ situation, your anxiety/ avoidance can be triggered to different proportions. Hope this helps!
This is true for a lot of folks, but it's also true that not being able to connect with others in the first place is a real and common issue. If your walls are too thick or your social skills are too... shall we say lacking (think of incels and such), then that's an issue that needs to be resolved first. She can only carry the relationship for so long, if she's even willing to/in a position to do so in the first place.
I agree don’t force it, but the other stuff isn’t that binary. I recall the matchmaker Patti Stanger from the reality show Millionaire Matchmaker would say some women are “crockpot women” (this could obviously apply to men too)….this resonates with me. I need more time getting to know someone, more time to warm up to them. I wouldn’t say it’s from a lack of trust or anything but rather that I need more established trust and a more established foundation in more typical friendship ways, particularly because I strongly value curiosity and high mental stimulation/engagement (aka good conversations). People (guys) mostly move way too fast for me in my experience and ultimately the efforts to move faster, escalate, etc just backfire. If I continue to communicate and hang out with someone, for me it’s closer to the “she wants you” option but it’s probably not gonna be obvious to people who don’t understand this sorta “crockpot” way. I imagine it presents as ambivalent, apathetic, unserious or something like that. I’ve experimented with being more upfront to varying degrees but honestly a lot of guys basically ignore or selectively listen and additionally don’t really do “checkins” (like asking “how are feeling about things” or something). As a woman, it’s a catch 22 to do this earlier on to guys because a sizable amount of guys will just say whatever if they think it gets them sex and it’s difficult to discern if a guy is that type or not. To some extent, this was a long winded way of saying, try asking your date how they feel (if they feeling connected, attracted, or whatever specific thing). I think a lot of women would find this to be attractive even as it presents as having communication skills, being considerate, respectful, etc
there is a guy above you who said he tried for 35 years until he turned 50 and for 35 years he received nothing by rejections. i feel like this is the future for most people here
You know honestly i dont even want a girlfriend im perfectly content with being alone, at least at this stage of my life but i find these videos so interesting to watch because I had this mindset of why cant i get a girlfriend back in highschool and was depressed because of it, and it always validated me to know that other men have or are experiencing the same situation and mentality that I used to go through, because i always thought I was weird for not having one during highschool even though I was actively trying.
Even knowing all this stuff and having learned to accurately see myself (well, lets just imagine this is true), I think the effect of being in your late 20s or onwards without ever receiving any attention and only being rejected by (in my case) women just seems so unsurmountable. You've made the point about negative value judgements about oneself countless times and how patterns of the past dont have to repeat themselves. But the thing is, these patterns do keep repeating, whether the point of reference was 1 or 10 years ago.
You don't even have to go to the gym, there are plenty of other options. The important thing is to find a social physically strenuous activity that can help you get in shape and stay healthy. Running clubs for example.
I'm only allowed to have platonic relationships with women. I've only EVER existed to lift heavy things, and fix cars and computers. I was always the really great guy who was going to make some other woman, very happy someday. Relationships with women only exist as long as I remember there's not supposed to be anything in it for me.
Dr.K is out of touch with reality on many fronts. He says a lot of good stuff but he lacks nuance (dark reality nuance) because he is trying hard to be socially and politically correct.
Wait a minute, platonic relationship is not fixing cars and computers. It's basically having a friend of an opposite sex, with whom you can talk openly about your feelings, issues, desires, etc. Someone you can trust.
@ I understand exploitation. I meant to say that such a relationship is not platonic in the original sense of the word. Just because the manipulator calls it platonic doesn't make it platonic.
thanks bro ngl im glad i didnt jump to the conclusions but the reasons u gave genuine almost exacly related to me and i realized thats why i feel werid when people compliment me
Banger video Dr. K. I've been on a self-improvement kick for a while now and have been getting very frustrated that nothing ever seems to "work." Just what I needed to hear right now.
Effort, rejection, pain, avoidance In my experience I'd say it's more like: Investment, rejection, pain, avoidance. The problem for me is not asking someone out and getting rejected, it's going out with someone, investing into that and then finding out they never took you seriously or they just show up one day with some other guy. So it's not the rejection from some stranger, it's the pain of rejection after having invested in someone you thought were taking you seriously only to find out you were nothing to them.
Investment implies a transaction. When investing in someone / something, we expect a return on investment, otherwise why would we be doing it. This can make it very hard to connect. (The video adresses this in the part about "internal pleasure" and being attached to actions instead of outcomes.)
@@TheTwoHeadedDragon It becomes different when people use you. If you are always attached to action without outcome then you're a slave. You're essentially advocating for relationships where one side gives and one takes instead of give and take on both sides. That's parasitic. But that's not really the point, you're being too literal. Investment is just spending time with a person and making them and their life part of your life and all that comes with it.
@@TheTwoHeadedDragon Actually, the analogy kind of works anyway. If you invest in a company, you don't always get a return, but you expect the company to act in good faith and be transparent and honest and you can cut your losses if things don't go well. If you invest in a relationship with person, then you'd want the same thing. If they're not feeling it, they should let you know, not string you along, play into your advances and leech until they get bored.
I'm 31 years old. I never had a girlfriend in my life, and I also never had a sexual relationship with a woman. I am a devout Catholic, and I guess that I also expect that from my future girlfriend. Is virginity the most important thing that a woman can offer me? Certainly not, that would be herself and her character. I don't believe that I have no chance in Life to find a girl that I can make laugh and feel loved.....but it is very difficult. I would appreciate a girl who is strong-minded and is strong-willed. I actually don't even know why I'm writing this. I wish all viewers a good night.
Gotta be emotionally well rounded and confident in most cases, better yet if you can roll with verbal punches or help others through issues. Women generally want someone at least a little bit capable and almost always someone emotionally healthy.
This video was super insightful, in my experience, I can get dates somewhat consistently but I would still think to myself that I need to exercise to be attractive enough for a relationship. I dont think thats necessarily true for me (I mean, it probably would help) but I now realize that the major part that I'm missing is the flirting and the deeper conversations. I can talk about work or school, or whatever event we are at, but really, who is she? How was her childhood? What do her friends and family mean to her? Those are some deeper questions I thought of but I have no Idea what flirty comments or questions could be made 😅
I'm giving up all of my bad habits overnight, much thanks to you Dr K. I'll be documenting it on my channel and I'm hoping it can heal my shattered brain. Thanks for your inspo, cheers!
18:36 so funny: this just happened to me and I am happy. I worked up the courage to tell a girl I have been crushing on the entire semester I liked them and they said they weren’t interested but I was still proud of myself because this was the first time I asked someone that I liked and I never did that before. (Of course I have dated before but those people asked me.) so of course I still wish they said yes 😊but in the end I am so happy because I did it!
That was brave... A great way, too, is just to invite them to something with a few others, then find time to chat with them alone. See I'd you havw things in common and ask if she would like to do one of those things together... If she agrees to spend time with you that is a good sign, then it is safer with small flirting or features to see how she responds... Then flirt... Try small things and see how she responds.... Look for small cues... And then you know to step forward or stop... It's a safer way with someone in your social circle
Seeing comments of people saying that they had people into them and i know that's supposed to be normal but that is something that feels completely alien to me it's insane.
The low self esteem thing really hits home I've been gaining some self confidence nowadays but then fell into a deep hole of stress and anxiety, thanks for the help Dr.K
@@Steven_DunbarSL stupid drama from the internet, as usual. Basically he talked to a streamer that had been suicidal for years. After the talk, the streamer said it was helpful to him. And like a year later, he finally had a successful attempt at ending his life, and some people couldn't help but say it was because of him having talked to Dr. K Hope that clears things up.
I feel like im on that flipside where I've done a lot of the emotional work to figure out who I am and be mostly confident in that but now I'm not sure where to even start with learning how to flirt and get out there and actually do all of the "getting a girlfriend" things. And I definitely struggle with the confusing platonic vulnerability with intimacy stuff, and I'm not sure how I can bridge the gap between vulnerability and intimacy or I guess not sure how and when to have one or the other, and I dont know how I can actually learn these things like it's not as if there's a college class or youtube series I can watch on it
I already know I m in the right place when the vid starts like this. A genuine connection to another person has more to it then just that. I look for character empathy and self confidence in my fiancé not a golddigger or someone focused on outside values. Don’t give me wrong it is important for the first impression but beyond that you will fall flat if this is the only thing you offer.
Thb though i dont think ill ever have a relationship even after this video. Im 18 but I am like severely anxious, can't hold a platonic friendship with women without eventually coming off as a creep, and have tons of self-esteem issues. I am in college now and don't think ill ever form those skills necessary to get a girl either cause I find myself too busy/nervous to talk to people most of the time. Honestly idk what id do without the internet haha. Though the point about not looking for people broken like you and trying to find a secure attachment was damm good advice that completely changed my world view, but in turn also made me realize to connect with a securely attached person id have to overcome all of the above so.... yeah. GL to you all though.
Just find unattractive women and try talking to them the same way you'd be talking with men. Superficial friendships are easy to form, be they with men or women. How you'll actually move on to an actual relationship from there - that I do not know.
If you think that sh1t's supposed to be easy, it's not. Only 40÷ of men reproduced historically. 60÷+ below 30 have no s3x. If you don't feel like doing it, don't do it despite what others may say. You can go to a hook3r (a more experienced one) to gain confidence. weightlifting helped me with anxiety.
@@merkuree Prolly no dad, I'm in the same boat and I feel like shit really wrecked me on some level, besides just being dirt poor in a one parent household
For the past few days I've been thinking about starting to go on dates/asking girls out sometime in the near future. Now this appeared in my feed. Apparently Dr. K is a psychic.
No cap "Adopt a child" (Don't have to be literally) first see how things work out, if you like it maybe you can get a gf then, i would pretty much advise the same for girls. If you seem to like kids as in play and can understand what they are saying or rather are trying to say intuitively then you are A ok. Next when interacting with adults understand these beings are not people they only have 1 ego state and that is of a child, severally mentally retired child so i would refer you to a book by Harriet Eleanor Blodgett "Mentally "retired" children;: What parents and others should know" hide the fact that you know that they are "retired" and act accordingly you should have no problems then.
I have BPD, and im single now. When i have a relationship i don't want to be in it. And now im willing to get a gf, but the sense of calm that you get is way higher
Women should just start the initation honestly, most of the animal kingdom women chooses then man. This would avoid any creepy male interactions, eliminate false understandings and save both sides from having unwanted interactions. If no woman interacts with you, your cooked if you cant find a man you like, its a you problem, both sides cant point the finger at anyone but themselves. Women fear for their own safety from men, granted less life threatening men know most women carry pepper spray where its legal as a deterrent, and the second they use it its guilty until proven innocent. America grows ever so divisive and humans overall start to fear/hate each other. There is defiantly a macro overarching problem with the world atm and this lonleyness epidemic on both sides is just a byproduct of it.
Good idea on paper that would be bad in reality. They’re already used to not approaching. Besides, if they suddenly all started approaching, they’d only approach a slim number of men. More guys would end up perpetually single and lonely.
Dude you came exactly when I needed this, I have a girl that has been into me but I’m stuck at having expressed my feelings, addressing mutual feelings (not really well tho), and just chilling for now and flirting
@ I mean stuck in that I definitely feel some mutual romantic connection, but my samskara of not being enough as I am - without having to prove that my internal qualities are worth considering - is scaring me away from taking a definite next step. I’m enjoying how things are going now, it seems like she’s growing more comfortable and opening herself up to further the relationship. At the same time I don’t have confidence that she knows me well enough to see how my good qualities cancel out what I’m insecure about (awkwardness, inexperience w girls, masculinity and inadequacy). Basically torn between keeping my chill in the flirtatious and safe zone where the attraction is there but not defined (side 1) and then taking the next steps and asking her out or asking what she wants out of the relationship or something (side 2). I hope this was readable and concise enough !
@@connorholmes8786 If you converse in the right way, she will notice those qualities. For example, not a lot of men actually ask women questions on a date (look this up, its really common LOL). If you ask her questions about herself and display genuine interest that's a green flag. What other qualities may you have you're probably wondering? Well, if you really have such qualities, you'll already be naturally expressing them unless you deliberately block your authenticity. Remember, pretending to be someone you're not will actually backfire and make you look like a bad person (this is how a lot of players operate). And if she sees your authenticity as unattractive or whatever, then she was never good for you. For example, if you're nurturing, you'll probably be attentive and considerate. If you're empathic, you'll be non-judgemental. Communication naturally resolves a lot of misconceptions about the other person. So, flow with the river.
diagnose 31 ugly and social awkward adhd . only thing i learned that everybody is horrible. no matter how much you do your best ,i'll always treaded like shit
@cortesimerci35 yep, seeking approval. Wrong. Gave up trying to find someone years ago. I dont even have ppl that i can consider talking to, so whos approval do i seek.
@@ChopChip-c3n tried i have, but it doenst seems to matter at all. i can ask ppl that i considered as friends to meet up or just chat with them 95% just get ignored. i have tried speeddating 8 tims so far .hopely to find someone who will like me, but more to just practice to talk to complete strangers. to know avail. the urge to speak is so low that i lot of days that i wont say any words. mostly just because i dont have anything to say and no one to say stuff to. it doenst seems to matter if i try or not the result stays the same.
My problem is that I never actually shoot my shot because I’m always “waiting for the right moment.” It’s funny because I always heard people say that and thought it was dumb asf until next thing I know, I’m here myself
I think a lot of stuff probably applies to a lot of people, but honestly, I feel like literally nothing applied to me. Overall well explained once again
I don't even know where to look to meet women period. It feels like people of our generation have to be soo focused and put soo much time of our lives into our work that other than maybe the library, and I don't read really, I don't see women around, atleast not ones who seem like they would be ok with somone instigating a conversation, most are partnered already and or within a large friend group. Makes it hard to put out interest or express it. I go to bars and events, usually with friends yes but sometimes alone and it just surprises me how many men have expressed interest but not a single woman. Could just be societal normalities but oof.
Maybe I'm just gay and I naturally don't have attraction to women, I do I just realize I pay more attention to how men look out in the wild. Could just be that internalized homophobia I was tought that forces my mind to veiw things a certain way.
It is not about you, basicly relationship market is disbalaced to the point the stratification and inequality is much bigger than any totalitarian regime has lol.
Dr K I have too many girlfriends now, please make a video about reducing my excess girlfriends.
so effing me
you could send some over here. We're running short of them lately xD
@cobalius no >: )
Be as gross and creepy as inhumanly possible
Auction them off
>video about getting a girlfriend
>look inside
>deep psychological trauma
i mean theres really no point in getting a girlfriend if you have unresolved trauma. being there for another person's problems is really emotionally taxing, now imagine if you have unresolved trauma
@@rodrigo_tm As if that's how it ever worked
@@rodrigo_tmthat's the fallacy that stops depressed smart people from being in relationships lol
@@gothicfan52 what do you mean
@@rodrigo_tmto highlight the fallacy: you are acknowledging the emotional baggage and trauma of your partner while invalidating your own. What do you think your girlfriend would say if she heard you say that? Probably hard to think of an answer to that question when you can't imagine a girlfriend (that cares). A relationship is a form of collaborative story telling, your traumas and past are just as important of a component as theirs to the whole.
Why would I need a girlfriend,when I have Dr.k in my life
Exactly
@@CookieCrumble-d7x that's just borderline sad
For those who have girlfriends but don't have Dr K
HAHHAHAHHAHA
I don't know why i found this comment cute
They had us in the first half ngl@@V-MAX34
What a good video.
Honestly, I often think to myself "I don't need a girlfriend, fuck dating", and then I go "Wait, is that my mind trying to make me avoid the uncomfort process of getting a girlfriend? Is my mind trying to supress its own desires?". I still cannot decide which one is correct though.
Sounds like you lack confidence, if you knew that you had chance you wouldnt feel that way. It sounds like your subconscious are doing wrong success estimations...
I feel that struggle/confusion so much too…
Obviously it is because of the tone of ‘FUCK dating’. If it was not you would NOT use this language and tone. If it was from a more non coping bs way you would instead say ‘ Now is pointless to date because i want all my energy and focus at this stage in my life towards this final exam / upcoming competition like a athlete etc.
only way to find it is to give it a go for its own sake. that way you'll be sure you're capable, and you'll find out if the hassle is worth it
@@maxxbenavente second guessing is one hell of a thing
I’ve been single for five years. I thought I had resigned myself to just stay single but just last week a girl actually approached me. Today we exchanged numbers and later tonight I’m gonna ask how her day was. I’m not trying to brag. I just wanted to say that I think I can do this. I’m gonna choose to take this video as a sign that I should try my best.
Good luck!! 🎊👍🏻
Keep us updated :)
@@cologne2728 You CAN do this!
It’s your time to shine
Let us know if you need motivation for the next step.
Thanks Dr.K i just got a girlfriend i watched this video in 15x speed
Goat
What youre sayingkis you signed up for various dancing classes and emailed the teacher you dont have a partner
2 minute efficiency V watching :D
I watched it in 30x and got two girls accidentally what do i do
Shameful, shameful comment. Just shameful
wow it worked, i'm already divorced!
@@Cwahsawnt speedrun i quess
😂😂
I think you missed the get therapy and work on on your attachment style and issues part.
@@Sunflowerdnlook it’s the “get therapy” “be better” person
@@sneakymitchell7802 look it's the bitter hate everyone of the opposite gender and blame everyone else person.
I finished this video and a wild girlfriend appeared. I threw a pokeball at her at now she is mine.
Instructions unclear: I'm trying to be the very best, that noone ever was. Now battling my six girlfriends against the girlfriends of 8 Gym leaders. Uncertain how this happened.
Would you like to give Girlfriend a nickname?
@@rincewindtwoflower3989 AAAAAAA
Name her cuddle buddy lol
You just revealed you don't see women as people 😂
I did a lot more than just go to the gym. I went to eight gyms and defeated the elite four. Why do I still not have a girlfriend? I should have a wife and 10 kids by now.
That's just it, it's not a reward.
Congrats! You beat the elite 4
You get the option to choose one of these as your girlfriend:
Misty/ Cynthia/ May
Realest comment on here
Have you completed the pokedex?
Every time I finally complete a Pokédex, they make a new game with more Pokémon.
Being okay with someone rejecting or questioning my identity is key
Just a mental note I made
@@Lightenin resonate with this and will do the same
Also being OK with divorce and never seeing your children ever again (or rarely seeing them, also them getting depression because of that).
Next one: how to keep a girlfriend
0. Be in love not just liking eachother
1. Have fun together (spend time together)
2. Feel comfortable and appreciated around each other
3. Respect each other and listen to each other to a degree of point 2
> Do that in general, do not put gender roles into it. Everyone wants this and/or at the very least appreciates it.
Lock the doors and windows...
@@Kino_Cartoon oh wow. Thats a beautiful summary. Its on point, well written and you startet to count by 0. Perfekt
@@Kino_Cartoonehhh isnt that the other way around? like, being in the right kind of love, just enables all of that like a switch. my expetience though. it either happens bco feelings or i dunno whats wrong.
@@Kino_Cartoon you see i know all of this, what i dont get is why i become so uninteresting down the line. its like im worth keeping enough to get cheated on, but not worth leaving enough to be honest with. i think im just the last human being left on this rock.
Finally boys, its time, girlfriend arc in 2025
i'm looking forward to that as well bro
@@cobalius You guys got this! I believe in you
@@paperking64 we got this gentlemen
Jajajaja
4B
Timing is always impeccable
tbf he could have posted this any time and the timing would have been impeccable for all of us
@@ddanenelastute
@@ddanenelreal
@@skies988 I read trimming 😄
Yeah I was just wanting a girlfriend.
Rejection is not pleasurable. Saying you can get pleasure from failing with 0 successes over 5 years is actually monstrous.
Yeah that's masochism
They all have no clue... only bla bla bla
Dr K really messed up by saying that. I like to just brush rejection aside and end the interaction. I feel grateful that the girl didn't waste my time and I move on to a better girl.
@TARed-hq8cf i have done that with 191 girls over 5 years. After awhile you stop trying.
Unless I missed it, he never said that.
Never clicked HealtyGG video so fast like this one!
real af
Same
Very true. Usually dr k videos are months old when I find them. The only other one I clicked early was the “how to be happy alone” which was uploaded 40 ish minutes before I watched it 🤣
Same bro
you just like me fr.
I used to be a loser with no friends, girlfriend, or money. Then I switched from Windows 10 to Arch Linux, now I live in a mansion with a hot European wife and 2 Latin American side chicks.
That's one way to do it 😭
You are my idol. Switching to Linux after No Nut November then❤
The ladies can't handle the power of Arch
sudo pacman -S girlfriend
the power of `touch woman`
I love how you're putting such emphasis on diagnosis. I've gone to quite a few doctors and therapists who refused to diagnose anything- it was literally their philosophy, only treating the symptoms (coughphysiatrycough), their treatments always made me significantly worse. The best doctors dig for the underlying problem, before throwing a fix at it. Not diagnosing before jumping into treatment can instantly ruin your life.
They watched too much House
Blame society. Move out of state if you are in US. Be passport bro. Just get out of this toxic community.
Yeah, I recommend Philippines for the guys
With your opinion, it is not surprise it didn't work, it was you how decided that it would not work, so it not work. You waste they and your time. If someone don't remember who this problem begin, you don't need to remind it to change it. But it is important how _you_ view things, so then you are not open on therapy or therapies don't listen to what you are saying, this leading to nowhere.
Holy shit...
I have to say, I recently got diagnosed with adhd, after a severe depression. Started asking myself, who am I and why am I. So I researched about adhd and neurodiversity. Stumbled multiple times over you videos, watched and learned from your videos and when I had severe anxiety symptomes I could relax myself or lower the symptoms. And I have to say there is no other youtuber or article out there, that can better describe every situation that made me feel triggered in the past. I feel like you lived my life and used me for study. After seeing this video I was so shocked how perfectly you described what I was thinking in the past about getting a girlfriend or having the feeling of beeing rejected. 13:38-15:05 is so freaky because that is exactly all the time what was going on in my mind and I somehow always knew it but didnt want it to realize, because I felt during that time not beeing really in control of my life (like automated) and had no sense of who I actually am. Your Videos helped me so much you cant even imagine. Because of you I survived and that not because you actively helped me by talking with me or perscribing meds but you shared your knowledge. I finally found an answer to my question that bothered me 22 years long "why am I like that". Because of you I slowly menaged to gain control of my body and also start undestanding people more. I found your videos in a time where I zoned out starting to have suicidal thoughts, wich I knew havent come out of myself. Because of you I menaged to become nearly symptomes free in 6 months and in addition to that I got severly hooked up in undestanding the psychology and neurology of humans. In my opinion you are doing an perfect job. You are really amazing and I am pretty sure that there are thousends of viewers out there that got aswell the chance to life longer and finally enjoy beeing alive just because you are here and decided to produce these videos. You taught me in that 6 months that yes indeed you can enjoy life.
Thank you from all my hart.
Greetings from Germany
I feel this. I struggled with really bad depression in high and into my early 20s. Tried various antidepressants for like a year and even though they didn’t help a ton, it did help me change my trajectory. Managed to finish school and get a career started and shortly after that pursued the ADHD diagnosis. Stimulants help my depression much better. I felt a sense of loss, confusion, grief to some extent for maybe two years proceeding diagnosis but it’s long since passed now. If you haven’t tried stimulants yet, I would suggest it. They can alleviate some variations of anxiety that might be resulting from or exacerbated by ADHD
Yea I got aderall but my problem is that the symptoms still bother me a lot when I dont take them and who wants to stay permanently on pills haha. And I am actually doing a lot progress changing adhd habbits or reducing the symptoms by learning about the big why. I started to kind of re-wire my brain or the way I think by learning and it helped me really a lot even when I am not taking meds for days/weeks. I mean the motivation still stays most of the time without meds unpredictable but at least the impulsivity and all the judgement that was bothering me is mostly gone or heavily reduced. And the meds are helping actually in most of the other parts with adhd. So win win I guess?
He just like me, for real.
Real talk, though, bro, I've had similar experiences. I was depressed throughout most of my twenties and was diagnosed with ADHD at 27. You got this, brother.
“We are Not trained thinkers”
….”think about it for a sec”
Dr K whatttttt!😭😭
I have tried for 35 years to find a relationship with a woman. I have been mostly rejected by women for 35 years. I honestly find it very hard to see any progress when I kept on getting rejected. At 50, I accepted that I failed in finding love and decided to be kind and live the rest of my life alone.
I gave up at the age of 25. I'm open to a relationship if it happens, but I'm no longer actively looking for it.
monkmaxx bro
@@Terepin64 man please do not give up, you are still young, do not lose hope!
@@Terepin64honestly same, if it happens it happens
read the dating playbook for men by andrew ferebee. it will actually help you. be careful about dating advice from medical professionals, they don't get laid or know how to. other recommendations are no more mr nice guy by robert glover. whatever you do, don't give up
Does anyone else feel super overwhelmed by all this, like maybe this should have been taught at an early age, and not stumbled onto at such a late stage in life?
Parents didn't teach us as they were never taught themselves, another thing we can thank the damn Boomers for
It's a lot, and it will take a ton of energy and time to work on this. But somehow this gives me so much hope and a positive outlook. Because it makes me realize that these things can be worked on. But yeah, parents didn't prepare us for this world. But to be fair, the world changed a lot due to technology in a short time. We will be the ones to figure this out.
At school I was very into exact sciences, and if you had said that psychology is the most important thing you can learn, I would not have believed you...
“It wasn’t my parents’ fault, it was my parents’ parents’ fault.”
Bro what are you smoking. Why does everybody hate my grandparents for getting lucky?
@@Darknfrog No. Because the paradigm of dating has completely changed over the last 15 years.
Social media and dating apps have made "too many options" for women. The MeToo movement, and others like it, in the wake of extreme feminism have completely changed courtship.
Your parents/teachers could have never prepared you for the dating climate we're all in now. It's a new age.
13 years in therapy since i was 22 , and i still feel lost in pretty much every aspect of my life , i've made some progress but this needs to change , especially when your only option is "go to therapy , take this pill , etc" i'm starting to believe some people need more than " you'll be fine and you can do it".
That's when coaching comes into the equation
By the way no i don't have problems getting a girlfriend is me not sabotaging said relationship with many intrusive thoughts , probably low self esteem even though i most of the time appear confident to people around me. ( Don't even know how this can be since i'm actually not confident but always overthinking everything )
Then it sounds like you are not struggling with every aspect of your life. Your social skills are fine. It's your mental health that needs work.
@@MinosML Thinking about it , in my country i couldn't find anything similar to "coaching" so i couldn't turn anywhere else to make a true change in my life , it's the time that i feel i've wasted that haunts me...
@@raapyna8544 Oh no believe me , i've made 0 friends in the last 12 years, only 1 friend remains but i'm greatful for such awesome human being putting up with my nonesense
I have very deep trust issues when it comes to people becouse of physical and psychological abuse from my parents, not to mention that i always tried to protect my sisters from said abuse ( i couldn't be there always but i tried my best , took beatings from them , and fought my parents when they were saying nonsense to them etc)
It got so bad that police would come every now and then and do NOTHING , my sisters used to ask me to sleep in my room becouse they were afraid...
"I'm afraid mom/dad is going to kill us" I would of course say " i would never let anyone hurt you, mom and dad would never do something like that ..." , my 3 sisters spent years sleeping in my room afraid, not knowing that i was also terrified but at the same time trying to make them happy and laugh...
My many therapists over the years have made remarks about how incredibly insane our situation was and they end up saying " it's incredible you are this sane ! you are doing more than great"
I'm not giving up just yet but my life feels like a blur i wouldn't miss.
Falling in love is not just about thristing for each other's bodies
Falling in love is when you stay up all night long
And someone tells you about the hardships in their life
Tells you about their hopes & dreams
And you're there with them
It's all about emotional connection
That's cute
exactly! This feeling of affection is way beyond the thirst of pleasure!
Getting lost in the little details of how they do things, getting interested in topics they like, and genuinely wanting the best for them in everything. You should be absolutely fascinated with this person, vice versa, and you should both make a good team.
W
Nah, not if your ex runs of with another guy to do the same thing to replicate what yall had, aka monkey branching.
Still not love.
This short section really resonated with me because this is something I’ve been feeling in my life recently but haven’t been able to articulate so well yet. What stood out to me more than anything else in the whole 30 minutes was the advice that men need to learn how to have platonic relationships with women. The idea that we’re “starved” in so many ways that it leads us to dump all our pent up needs and emotions on any poor random girl that begins to establish mutual connection is something I had never considered before. Even better, it’s important to make the clarification that we’re literally so starved that we mistake this budding emotional connection for “love,” and it screws us over because we overreact.
As a girl, I confirm that I always have this fear in the back of my head. Whenever I meet a new male person, I wonder if getting slightly closer to him could make him become obsessed or even a stalker. I wonder if his nice and friendly behaviour is sincere, or if he is aiming at something more from me. I know plenty of good men, and I trust my male friends, because I spent time getting to know them and now I know that our friendship is sincere. But whenever I meet a new man, as long as I don't have a proof of sincerity, I am quite wary. I bet there are plenty of men I haven't met who are super kind without ulterior motives, but there are also some who are not kind, and unfortunately I can't tell the difference before getting to know them and therefore maybe getting into troubles. That is why I am wary.
@elisaelisaross it depends on some factors. Are you good looking? If the answer is yes, the majority of guys who approach you are intrasted in you. If you are single, you should integrate new guys in your life conscious that they are probably intrasted in you romantically? If you are not single, you shouldn't integrate new guys. They are only going to make your situation harder
As a divorced kid, this is extremely helpful learning the framework of what is Healthy and not Dysfunctional.
Thank you K
You got divorced as a kid? That’s rough buddy
@@ethanquinn385 pinnacle of comedy
@ thank you, I try
Dr K needs to heart this comment
Man that sucks. Did you at least get to keep the kids?
5:32 The thing I find with this "mistake", speaking from my own experience, is that you don't always know what your problem was in the first place, until you finally solved it.
Sometimes there are things you think come from other people, when instead it comes from yourself, and the other way around too.
I had no confidence, no social life, and never had a girlfriend.
Then I read Angelic Soulmate by Lentlish, and it changed my life.
It reminded me of The Game by Neil Strauss but with simpler advice anyone can follow.
If you’re ready to transform your mindset and find real love, this is the book for you.
bot
Is this legit?
@@mera6479 Obviously not, isn't even on goodreads, the comment has so many likes but so less replies
@@mera6479its a bot.
beep boop
Thank you so much for removing the super loud music at the end of the video! I don't know if anyone read my comment on the previous video, but I feel seen
I think you missed the point a little bit Dr. K. Emotional connection is what most of us are seeking. We were told that improving yourself makes you more attractive to potential mates. The point being, that it would help us get the initial match on dating apps. As you said, we evolved for real life interaction. But most of us are lacking in choices in that area. That's why we have to use dating apps. But we can't even get an initial match, to even be able to try to form an emotional connection through conversation. Do you understand now? We can't form a connection when no one will even talk to us. THAT'S the point.
Nooo not the apps!! Change your life to meet people irl.
what i'm learning more and more over time is that getting into a relationship or not is not as much on my hands as it is up to chance because nowadays dating is so fucked there is not much you can do but do your own things and hope someone finds that attractive (and then hope you also find that person attractive back)
most of the time i dont find them attractive back. actually all the time
@@stephanieherman2861 My strategy is to only focus on being attractive to the kinds of people that I'd find attractive.
@stephanieherman2861 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️ maybe lower your standards or get to bettering yourself to bump into the people your more attractive to.
@@stephanieherman2861I think a lot of males are NOT attractive physically or emotionally.
@@stephanieherman2861 same. it feels like the rare people who are into me are people who are even worse off than me mentally, like way worse. i may not have all my shit together, but i'm resilient, and know i will get it together when the time is right
It explains things most guys don’t think about. I also learned a lot from reading a book called Flirtosphere Seduction by Vexoner. The book helped me understand women better and feel more confident. Combining tips from videos like this and the book really made a difference for me.
The bots just keep invading
bot
first of all, great conclusion to the topic before the outro, that put a smile on my face
but now for my actual comment: it feels so tiring having to think about all that and improving yourself so much just to have a chance to date, and for people that feel needy and deprived of romance that feels so cruel and unfair to have people naturally creating bonds with eachother, something that should be simply natural and intuitive feels now what it must feel like playing chess against magnus carlsen himself
Girl here, honestly, just accepting the fact that you have things to work on is enough to attract a lot of good hearted women. The #1 thing women consider is "are you going to be abusive?". Once you can confidently answer "not physically or verbally, and only as emotionally as any other human being would", you're a catch. Most women nowadays also have issues, and they want a man who can relate to them.
And lets face it, it's impossible for anyone to not abuse their partner to some degree. All that is expected is that you don't lash out with violence or downright cruelty. We are far simpler creatures than we're given credit for. But there is a lot of us, so it still will probably take a few rejections to settle with the most compatible one
@@ghostratsarah Any amount of abuse isn't acceptable imo. But I think I have a narrower definition of abuse than you do. Arguments and heated emotions aren't emotinally abusive, it's maliciousness and excessive mistreatment.
@ghostratsarah Maybe I'm just out of luck or ain't taking enought risks, but I can see how being humble enough to acknowledge your weaknesses can be attractive
I don't know, it just feels so impossible to meet someone willing to commit into a serious relationship that's not either someone I wouldn't want to live with or someone that does not care at all
I think you are mistaking one crucial part here. You don't have to have COMPLETED all of the parts before you are able to find a girlfriend. That's not the point. Working on yourself is an eternal struggle, and no one can ever be perfect, but they can strive to be the best version of themselves. Besides, you cannot have any idea how you truly look like in a relationship unless you actually get in one. Introspection and healthy appearance is something that you work towards and maintain, it's not something you get once and that's it.
But that's exactly what is so liberating about the whole thing, you don't have to reach the end of your inner and outer goals before you begin dating. As long as you keep at it, you will see positive results.
One solid piece of advice I can give you is to focus on learning to have platonic relationships with the opposite sex, as Dr K mentioned. It is INCREDIBLY hard to truly connect with someone you only view as potential partner material and literally nothing else.
@@tonyoik1012 I've been into a couple relationships and I've learned multiple things from them, I don't really make an effort to look better but I have self-esteem enough to not look bad.
I also agree that you need to add to a relationship, not be completed by one.
I'm not saying everything is wrong and I don't have problems to solve or people are just bad, I'm just expressing that it's too hard and complicated and that I feel like it shouldn't be
edit: Sorry, I didn't read properly, but yeah, I agree you don't have to complete all parts of yourself before meeting someone, but it does sound tiring that you need to work on everything for something that should be natural.
also, I do have woman friends and I don't meet every one with the intent of having a relationship or something, it's just that the longer you be alone, the lonier you feel, and when that happens you long for companionship
I’m 30 and have given up. I think trying to find happiness by myself is more important than trying to find love at this point.
Copium
@@riki4644 he doesn't deny that he gave up, so it's not a copium
@ how so?
brutal blackpill
@@bro918 And a good pill probably.
-wait for robot waifu
-power her on
Congratulations you now have a girlfriend
"Lars and the Real Girl"
I met my current girlfriend at the arcade. I had joined a club at my college for playing DDR, and eventually made friends through that hobby. I wasn't expecting a girlfriend, I was doing it because it was fun and was a place to go to out in public. And I guess something about me was attractive enough for her to introduce herself and eventually shoot her shot. Mind you, I never dated in high school, and had only gone on a few lackluster dating app dates before that. I'm not some super successful guy 😅
Love to hear that, that’s literally what I would like to have in my life.
@@Navefreamo The best thing imo is to focus on enjoying life and connecting with other people. I don't make a new best friend whenever I go to bars to play pool, or go to arcades to play DDR. That would get exhausting. I just have fun with the people around me for the evening I have them in my life. I try to treat women the same way, and sometimes those women will want more than just one evening with you.
@@Darth_InsidiousDDR? Deutsche Demokratische Republik?
would you say from a male competition standpoint that you were more attractive than your other friends there?
@@SpieleSuchti894 I wasn't with any of my friends that evening. I just went cause I was passing through the area and wanted to enjoy myself for a bit.
Ain't no way Dr.K just made this 💀
@@mihajlo6489 it’s a good video
He made a video about gooning. Expect the unexpected from now on 😂
That one pacient in residency asking for help with getting girlfriend really got himself a cozy place in the brain, we heard about him so many times.
And here it is, Dr Chad Thundercock delivered.
@@Dolritto What? That blue pilled guy? He's still just shifting the blame onto men.
Thx Dr K. You healed me, now i don't want a girlfriend anymore.
"You have to get rejected by 80 people before you get 1 acceptance."
Me who's on an 8,000-rejection streak. T_T
lost me at "if somebody likes you", aint never hapenned.
Sorry, Doctor, but I’m calling 100% BS on this “emotional availability” bit. Every, EVERY woman I’ve known, intimately or otherwise, has had NO CLUE WHATSOEVER how to handle a man who shows his emotions, grief, sadness or whatever. They’re just incapable of it. Today’s women are just as effed up as today’s men. Getting a gf is the least of my problems, looking back at the last 15 years
That's not what "emotional availability" means. It means being able to form healthy emotional connections with others. It's not a lack of self regulation where you bottle everything up until it erupts like a pressure cooker.
I'm at 100+ rejections, 0 dates, virgin at 31.
I've tried what seems like everything.
I want to give up. I'm so tired.
I'm only counting rejections at the level of either getting ghosted or actually rejected. Swipes etc. Are not counted.
@@StiveGuy the first 1000 aproarches are just a warm up bro
Then take a break.
Probably you should reframe rejections as learning opportunities. Also, you should only count when you get to at least some decent conversation.
And I can already tell, you are trying too hard. That repels women.
When you learn the art of not giving an F about rejection (or needing to find just someone), you'll do much better.
@@gergelymagyarosi9285 The only thing they learn is that looks matters A LOT.
Give all your money to Dr K, your life is gonna change real quick 🥸
Thank you HealthyGamer, I shall follow these steps thoroughly and fail at them miserably :3c
keep your chin up bro!!
@@Jahsicles me and u both dude
If you fail, you will fail spectacularly!
I you follow these steps thoroughly you have not failed, you have won. Now you have a better understanding of yourself, a stronger sense of identity and perhaps better habits and increased social skills.
@ this precisely
Thanks for the video. Now I'm understand why I am alone. (I'm not going to change anything in my life and die alone)
Biggest mood
Same LOL
How sad 😭
Honestly needed this perspective. A lot to unpack from this. Huge point that hit home was learning how to form plutonic relationships and how all the emotional/sexual needs get tangled and can scare off women. Unfortunately due to not knowing how to form that plutonic relationship, especially with someone I was almost immediately interested in, I've done that to the person I'm crushing on and she's hit that 'creeped out and scared' point, it's a co worker. I've asked her out twice, and the last thing that pushed it too far was asking what she'd be up to on a future day because I was just so focused on getting to know her outside of work. Not sure how to recover, I figure I'll just continue saying hello in the morning and try to back up and back off to maybe reach a mutual comfort point, but I'm really just not sure. Anxiety really threw me through the wringer with this.
Another thing that hit home in the video was the secure - anxious - avoidant attachment styles, I've been trying to pinpoint my discomfort with myself for a long time and the anxious attachment style described it perfectly; another thing to work on myself about, one thing that's been at forefront of my stress over the last 3 weeks.
What can I do to form a plutonic relationship? What kind of mindset can I take on to salvage my situation? I really do like this girl, but struggling would be an understatement. I have been focusing on active listening information and other skills I think I need improvement on, but as you started off with, diagnostics matter and I think, after hearing you mention plutonic relationships, I can conclude my diagnoses has been wrong everyday for 3 weeks.
So I am dying single.
This is the only time I clicked fast for a HealthyGamerGG video
Same, I usually get notification for them and then maybe watch after a couple of days. Here it was insta click
@@malborboss same😂,I only don't click it because it don't relate to me
Just went home from a date in which she was talking and I was full psychologist mode, it’s literally the only thing I can do
Don't become her therapist, you'll become exhausted and burnt out. Make sure you snag a girl who's as emotionally supportive as you are, and appreciates your psychoanalyzing. There are a lot of us out there, who treasure men like you, it just might take some rounds of rejection to find one. Don't settle! If she was put off by your nature, or she felt exhausting to you, she's not a safe bet.
@@ghostratsarahI 100% agree. I dealt with someone like that and eventually had a meltdown and in the end I ended up looking like the bad guy.
Don't try to save anyone. Don't be anyone's therapist.
There must be someone else who they can talk to about those kinds of problems
Is psych content all you consume? You might have to reset and take a break from it all. Go find another kind of media or hobby to try out.
@@MuhluriYeah or they throw you away
In conclusion: NEVER EVER be ANYONE's therapist. EVER!
Seriously, there's not even a single exception here, don't make any exception! NEVER be anyone's therapist!!!
This is about to become Dr K's most viewed video
And that's really sad when you think about it. :/
@@someguycalledcerberus9805 I don't think so, I think it's completely normal that people want someone to spend time with
@@mvashi It's normal to want to eat, but if the most popular video on a channel was "how to find food" that would be concerning.
The sad part is that so many people are unable to fulfill a basic and normal human need.
I do agree with you on this
The era of instant entertaining and fast results really made finding and investing on a individual hard
And people peing lost with reallity over internet addiction and etc.. make it worse@@someguycalledcerberus9805
@@someguycalledcerberus9805 engineered dystopia
No, this absolutely me, and it makes perfect sense.
I have a best friend, but he's still a senior in high school, and I'm a freshman in college, so we talk sparsely.
I basically don't talk to friends ever. Not daily, at least. When I become friends with a female, I ALWAYS develop a crush. It doesn't matter to my brain if they don't check my boxes. The emotional connection always turns into a crush. It's so weird because aside from immediate family the people I'm closest to are my two female cousins who are the same age as me. I love spending time with them because they just always bring an energy or connection that no one does in my life, not my sister and not my male friends, so it's so refreshing to have a "built in" female friend. So I don't understand why I can't let myself have a female friend. But it totally makes sense that having a female friend, or even just closer friends, would help me dump less onto people that I'm interested in.
Dr K your room is absolutely Beautiful. The design makes me feel relaxed :)
18:10 I think that a rather big issue around this concept of creating identify is that it's a common tactic to berate virgin and less sexually active men for their state, as if it was one of the main aspects determining value of a male in current society.
I can to a degree understand why toxic men without that problem spread this agenda, as competition is a common occurrency and driving force between men and objectification of women is sadly sometimes a part of this reality, but such rhetoric comming from women themselfs look to me like it's directly clashing with the whole societal change of desexualization and deobjectification that are one of the most universaly desired outcome shared by women as a community.
You should really not lump billions of women into one agreeable group. I think it would expedite you in understanding that plenty of women would not berate a virgin or less sexually active men. And eventually you might even realize they are people just like men, possessing both good and bad traits, behaviors, etc
@@franjkav My first GF didn't care at all that i was a virgin at 26.
divorcing yourself from outcomes and just being satisfied with effort isn't gonna work for vast majority of people
That aspect of the video desperately needs an entire 40 video of its own. The biggest problem people are facing today is that their efforts are completely decoupled from the results.
This is more of a how to HAVE a girlfriend than about actual GETTING a girlfriend.
Getting one is off initial attractive this is more of talking stage material
@@Ninjabdul rip to us guys who just aren't flashy and wealthy enough lol
Such advice is ALWAYS this way. No one ever actually explains the getting part. This is because it is impossible to give advice on the getting part without being "problematic".
Excellent video. I got divorced last year in my early forties and it has been a hard and lonely time, maybe more so because of the difficulty of meeting new people altogether rather than failing to get into the same mind space with women, sort of. But this video is a great checklist, with stuff I've noticed myself from own experiences and some things I have to keep in mind not to fall into easy traps when getting too negative on life in general.
The point you made about learning to form platonic relationships with women without dumping all your emotional needs onto them is really important. It’s very challenging but can be a good stepping stone.
It’s not that important.
You say that, but most ppl I know in relationships don’t really have many opposite sex friends
Impossible, thats the truth(for men)
‘The parts of ourselves that we ignore are where all of our problems arise from’ KABOOM
I'm single and suck at making irl friends because I spent my entire childhood pursuing my interests and waiting for extroverts to adopt me. It never failed for 21 years and then it never worked again.
Your comment with your pfp makes me assume you're a dog at the pound. It paints a very heart wrenching vision. This blurb doesn't mean much but I thought it was amusing enough to share with you.
if you are interested in you can still learn it. remember making friends is different when you are at school bored with 20 other people you see every day or when you are a grown up, living alone working from home
Unfortunately simply “asking women what they want”, especially in a group setting, will mostly yield lies.
You’ll get very different answers from the same woman depending if you ask the same question in front of people compared to asking it as a friend in a one-on-one setting
Almost like different women want different things cause they're human beings lol
There is a ton of research in the realm of stated preferences vs. revealed preferences that nearly everyone who should know better ignores.
Bro said he gets different answers from the same person but just in different contexts @@sallijunttila3006
Regardless of the setting they just lie. No woman has ever told me what they looked for and it actually lines up with who they go out with. Idk if it’s a conscious thing they do, but asking women what they look for is stupid because they don’t have to look to find someone who likes them
I really like the GG CHAT and the ending message! fun, not too serious, and then ending on a lowkey heartfelt note
As someone who works as a therapist and heavily invests this topic and enjoys learning about relationships this is by far one of the absolute best videos I have ever seen. I love your videos Dr. K and this one is a home run!
I love this video even though I'm not looking for a girlfriend. I needed to know if this video has better advice than the red pill machoism type of videos. Lots of solid things here I talk about with my friends.. I'm glad that this video exists, anyone should watch it.
to be fair redpill isnt even advice. it's "they are wrong" validation
@@SpieleSuchti894 redpill is literally "go to gym, make more money, buy my dating course" its mostly grifter slop
I wouldn’t suggest emotional bonding right away. I got into a situation ship with an avoidant woman who seemed on the level at first. Give it a month. Look at signs of immaturity and if they keep testing you it isn’t looking good. I sadly got attached and not im feeling it. Guard your heart guys
@@andrewquiroz4335 guard your heart sounds like a losing strategy, just learn your lessons and move on bruh
Men shouldn't try emotional bonding before she wants to anyway.
@@andrewquiroz4335 from behalf of avoidant womens, i wanna say sorry. we are scared kids in adult bodies. hope she is seeking therapy. i think you as a warm person was attractive to her. im sure you are a nice guy and i hope you find or grow a secure relationship sooner or later in life.
yep, not an emotional attachment first month. think of this as trial
this misses the most important practical reason, and that is opportunity/access
what the hell are you meant to do if you:
don't have female friends, or friends that have know women
don't have a place you can go to where there are women to interact with
only have interest in male-exclusive hobbies (e.g. nerd stuff like board/card/wargames, etc)
are not part of any online communities that have women in them
you could have the best mental outlook on yourself and relationships but unless you actually know women it's over
Yeah that's the issue I have, I just don't know where to meet women that are looking for a relationship, I'm not just gonna approach every woman I see, god knows that probably get enough of that already and I don't want to come off as a creep
@@tyleralan1470I stopped caring about not having a gf because I know that this is always just a pure luck, or an act of God etc. But the point is that you can't decide to be lucky, you either lucky or not.
Good look + good luck are the basic factors.
"only have interest in male-exclusive hobbies (e.g. nerd stuff like board/card/wargames, etc)" My dude what is this "male-exclusive hobbies" you speak of? There are women who like D&D or gaming, or Magic or board games, or plenty of other nerdy stuff. I know it because I'm one of them and I see women in those places too.
It's really strange how you are talking about women as if they are a rare pokemon, that only exist in secluded parts of the world that you can't access to, but we are over half the population lol. Just broaden your horizons, get out of your internet bubble, touch some grass, and make friends. The romantic relationships will organically flow from there if there's chemistry and common interests.
Board games in particular is a very gender split hobby In my experience.
The hard truth at the end was learning how to form platonic friendships because as someone who grew up sheltered and went to an all male school for a period I never really saw girls in a platonic way because that was just socially starved of me since outside of school my parents pretty much always had me at home or out with them. It's troubled me since because unless I see someone that I know I have no attraction to, talking to them for a significant period of time it becomes hard to not want a relationship out of it. This is just made worse given my social anxiety.
It's super easy to never have a proper girlfriend into middle age. I'm living proof.
Are attachment styles black and white? Or can I be like 70% healthy with 30% anxious?? How do you guys feel it is for you? Are you 100% in one bucket?
They arent black and white. There is an an anxious-avoidant type. And as you said there may be certain things that get to you. I feel like its rare to be 100% in one bucket though
It's more like a spectrum and a mixture of attachment styles
You can most def be a mix. Plus, some ppl can come along & inadvertently trigger things you weren't aware needed work or present you with situations you haven't been in before. Relationships are a dance.
I've read up a lot on attachment theory and it's a spectrum+ fluid! Meaning you have a tendency, though depending on the person+ situation, your anxiety/ avoidance can be triggered to different proportions. Hope this helps!
Dont force it. Either u two connect, or u don't. Either she wants you, or she doesn't
This is true for a lot of folks, but it's also true that not being able to connect with others in the first place is a real and common issue. If your walls are too thick or your social skills are too... shall we say lacking (think of incels and such), then that's an issue that needs to be resolved first. She can only carry the relationship for so long, if she's even willing to/in a position to do so in the first place.
I agree don’t force it, but the other stuff isn’t that binary. I recall the matchmaker Patti Stanger from the reality show Millionaire Matchmaker would say some women are “crockpot women” (this could obviously apply to men too)….this resonates with me. I need more time getting to know someone, more time to warm up to them. I wouldn’t say it’s from a lack of trust or anything but rather that I need more established trust and a more established foundation in more typical friendship ways, particularly because I strongly value curiosity and high mental stimulation/engagement (aka good conversations). People (guys) mostly move way too fast for me in my experience and ultimately the efforts to move faster, escalate, etc just backfire.
If I continue to communicate and hang out with someone, for me it’s closer to the “she wants you” option but it’s probably not gonna be obvious to people who don’t understand this sorta “crockpot” way. I imagine it presents as ambivalent, apathetic, unserious or something like that. I’ve experimented with being more upfront to varying degrees but honestly a lot of guys basically ignore or selectively listen and additionally don’t really do “checkins” (like asking “how are feeling about things” or something). As a woman, it’s a catch 22 to do this earlier on to guys because a sizable amount of guys will just say whatever if they think it gets them sex and it’s difficult to discern if a guy is that type or not.
To some extent, this was a long winded way of saying, try asking your date how they feel (if they feeling connected, attracted, or whatever specific thing). I think a lot of women would find this to be attractive even as it presents as having communication skills, being considerate, respectful, etc
there is a guy above you who said he tried for 35 years until he turned 50 and for 35 years he received nothing by rejections. i feel like this is the future for most people here
Spoiler she doesn't
If she does it's for a few months until she gets bored, or you show real love
You know honestly i dont even want a girlfriend im perfectly content with being alone, at least at this stage of my life but i find these videos so interesting to watch because I had this mindset of why cant i get a girlfriend back in highschool and was depressed because of it, and it always validated me to know that other men have or are experiencing the same situation and mentality that I used to go through, because i always thought I was weird for not having one during highschool even though I was actively trying.
"no matter what you do you get screwed" well technically no matter what you do, you don't get screwed in this scenario
Even knowing all this stuff and having learned to accurately see myself (well, lets just imagine this is true), I think the effect of being in your late 20s or onwards without ever receiving any attention and only being rejected by (in my case) women just seems so unsurmountable. You've made the point about negative value judgements about oneself countless times and how patterns of the past dont have to repeat themselves.
But the thing is, these patterns do keep repeating, whether the point of reference was 1 or 10 years ago.
Why continue to beat your head against the brick wall of dating
You don't even have to go to the gym, there are plenty of other options. The important thing is to find a social physically strenuous activity that can help you get in shape and stay healthy. Running clubs for example.
I'm only allowed to have platonic relationships with women. I've only EVER existed to lift heavy things, and fix cars and computers. I was always the really great guy who was going to make some other woman, very happy someday. Relationships with women only exist as long as I remember there's not supposed to be anything in it for me.
Literally this, learned when I was 15-16 never to let myself be a doormat/living wallet again
Dr.K is out of touch with reality on many fronts. He says a lot of good stuff but he lacks nuance (dark reality nuance) because he is trying hard to be socially and politically correct.
Wait a minute, platonic relationship is not fixing cars and computers. It's basically having a friend of an opposite sex, with whom you can talk openly about your feelings, issues, desires, etc. Someone you can trust.
@@Hexanitrobenzene Exploiting men and calling it a platonic relationship is extremely common. Don't know why this is so unthinkable to you.
@
I understand exploitation. I meant to say that such a relationship is not platonic in the original sense of the word. Just because the manipulator calls it platonic doesn't make it platonic.
thanks bro ngl im glad i didnt jump to the conclusions but the reasons u gave genuine almost exacly related to me and i realized thats why i feel werid when people compliment me
Banger video Dr. K. I've been on a self-improvement kick for a while now and have been getting very frustrated that nothing ever seems to "work." Just what I needed to hear right now.
Effort, rejection, pain, avoidance
In my experience I'd say it's more like: Investment, rejection, pain, avoidance.
The problem for me is not asking someone out and getting rejected, it's going out with someone, investing into that and then finding out they never took you seriously or they just show up one day with some other guy.
So it's not the rejection from some stranger, it's the pain of rejection after having invested in someone you thought were taking you seriously only to find out you were nothing to them.
This! Exactly.. it hurts that the time you invested into someone is in vain.
Women go through this, too. It's about mutual investment and so many other things.
Investment implies a transaction. When investing in someone / something, we expect a return on investment, otherwise why would we be doing it. This can make it very hard to connect. (The video adresses this in the part about "internal pleasure" and being attached to actions instead of outcomes.)
@@TheTwoHeadedDragon It becomes different when people use you. If you are always attached to action without outcome then you're a slave. You're essentially advocating for relationships where one side gives and one takes instead of give and take on both sides. That's parasitic.
But that's not really the point, you're being too literal. Investment is just spending time with a person and making them and their life part of your life and all that comes with it.
@@TheTwoHeadedDragon Actually, the analogy kind of works anyway. If you invest in a company, you don't always get a return, but you expect the company to act in good faith and be transparent and honest and you can cut your losses if things don't go well. If you invest in a relationship with person, then you'd want the same thing. If they're not feeling it, they should let you know, not string you along, play into your advances and leech until they get bored.
I'm 31 years old. I never had a girlfriend in my life, and I also never had a sexual relationship with a woman. I am a devout Catholic, and I guess that I also expect that from my future girlfriend. Is virginity the most important thing that a woman can offer me? Certainly not, that would be herself and her character. I don't believe that I have no chance in Life to find a girl that I can make laugh and feel loved.....but it is very difficult. I would appreciate a girl who is strong-minded and is strong-willed. I actually don't even know why I'm writing this. I wish all viewers a good night.
Gotta be emotionally well rounded and confident in most cases, better yet if you can roll with verbal punches or help others through issues. Women generally want someone at least a little bit capable and almost always someone emotionally healthy.
Rarely do I click on a notif so fast
Thank GOD I'm subbed🙏🙏🙏🙏
This video was super insightful, in my experience, I can get dates somewhat consistently but I would still think to myself that I need to exercise to be attractive enough for a relationship. I dont think thats necessarily true for me (I mean, it probably would help) but I now realize that the major part that I'm missing is the flirting and the deeper conversations.
I can talk about work or school, or whatever event we are at, but really, who is she? How was her childhood? What do her friends and family mean to her? Those are some deeper questions I thought of but I have no Idea what flirty comments or questions could be made 😅
I'm giving up all of my bad habits overnight, much thanks to you Dr K. I'll be documenting it on my channel and I'm hoping it can heal my shattered brain. Thanks for your inspo, cheers!
Mental health professionals reluctance to take responsibility for important outcomes in their patients lives 💯
18:36 so funny: this just happened to me and I am happy. I worked up the courage to tell a girl I have been crushing on the entire semester I liked them and they said they weren’t interested but I was still proud of myself because this was the first time I asked someone that I liked and I never did that before. (Of course I have dated before but those people asked me.) so of course I still wish they said yes 😊but in the end I am so happy because I did it!
That was brave... A great way, too, is just to invite them to something with a few others, then find time to chat with them alone. See I'd you havw things in common and ask if she would like to do one of those things together... If she agrees to spend time with you that is a good sign, then it is safer with small flirting or features to see how she responds... Then flirt... Try small things and see how she responds.... Look for small cues... And then you know to step forward or stop... It's a safer way with someone in your social circle
Lets fucking go bro! You did what 90% of guys wouldn't have done :) Keep the momentum going and keep shooting your shots
Coping...
Yeah, the first time i was proud too, the problem is when its the 13 time...
@@Sunflowerdn cope is hard.
Seeing comments of people saying that they had people into them and i know that's supposed to be normal but that is something that feels completely alien to me it's insane.
How old are you
@@ClumpypooCP 22
@@SWEGFFFF same here
Almost 30 here, same bro.
real also 22 😭
The low self esteem thing really hits home
I've been gaining some self confidence nowadays but then fell into a deep hole of stress and anxiety, thanks for the help Dr.K
Thanks
bro is gonna get his license reprimanded again 💀
Again?? What happened previously?
@@Steven_DunbarSL I haven't been watching for long but he seems like he knows his stuff and tries to keep up to date, I'm curious what happened too
@@Steven_DunbarSL stupid drama from the internet, as usual.
Basically he talked to a streamer that had been suicidal for years.
After the talk, the streamer said it was helpful to him.
And like a year later, he finally had a successful attempt at ending his life, and some people couldn't help but say it was because of him having talked to Dr. K
Hope that clears things up.
@@ROVERLORDD_ what do you mean ? He made him more succesful 😂😂😂
@@smiercksiazka776 not a funny remark. Its tragic what happened to him
Once you have the first 4 things ironed out then the real difficulty starts.
"You need to go out, go to the gym, learn to be flirtatious and sexy !" It's so over guys
LMAO right? I'm an average (appearance wise at least) 21 yr old living near a big city in the rust belt of the US... SO SO OVER
Never had a chance begin with..
I feel like im on that flipside where I've done a lot of the emotional work to figure out who I am and be mostly confident in that but now I'm not sure where to even start with learning how to flirt and get out there and actually do all of the "getting a girlfriend" things. And I definitely struggle with the confusing platonic vulnerability with intimacy stuff, and I'm not sure how I can bridge the gap between vulnerability and intimacy or I guess not sure how and when to have one or the other, and I dont know how I can actually learn these things like it's not as if there's a college class or youtube series I can watch on it
I already know I m in the right place when the vid starts like this. A genuine connection to another person has more to it then just that. I look for character empathy and self confidence in my fiancé not a golddigger or someone focused on outside values. Don’t give me wrong it is important for the first impression but beyond that you will fall flat if this is the only thing you offer.
Thb though i dont think ill ever have a relationship even after this video. Im 18 but I am like severely anxious, can't hold a platonic friendship with women without eventually coming off as a creep, and have tons of self-esteem issues. I am in college now and don't think ill ever form those skills necessary to get a girl either cause I find myself too busy/nervous to talk to people most of the time. Honestly idk what id do without the internet haha. Though the point about not looking for people broken like you and trying to find a secure attachment was damm good advice that completely changed my world view, but in turn also made me realize to connect with a securely attached person id have to overcome all of the above so.... yeah. GL to you all though.
Do you want a relationship? Where do your self esteem issues originate from?
Just find unattractive women and try talking to them the same way you'd be talking with men. Superficial friendships are easy to form, be they with men or women.
How you'll actually move on to an actual relationship from there - that I do not know.
Those are things you think about yourself, not who you are. You have to believe that you are worth it
If you think that sh1t's supposed to be easy, it's not. Only 40÷ of men reproduced historically. 60÷+ below 30 have no s3x. If you don't feel like doing it, don't do it despite what others may say. You can go to a hook3r (a more experienced one) to gain confidence. weightlifting helped me with anxiety.
@@merkuree Prolly no dad, I'm in the same boat and I feel like shit really wrecked me on some level, besides just being dirt poor in a one parent household
For the past few days I've been thinking about starting to go on dates/asking girls out sometime in the near future. Now this appeared in my feed.
Apparently Dr. K is a psychic.
Maybe it's a sign 🙃
Nah, I'm not ready for a gf yet. I couldn't handle the whole situation
Nothing wrong with that
true for me
Same here, I need to get myself in a stable situation before I can start thinking about being in a stable relationship.
No cap "Adopt a child" (Don't have to be literally) first see how things work out, if you like it maybe you can get a gf then, i would pretty much advise the same for girls.
If you seem to like kids as in play and can understand what they are saying or rather are trying to say intuitively then you are A ok.
Next when interacting with adults understand these beings are not people they only have 1 ego state and that is of a child, severally mentally retired child so i would refer you to a book by Harriet Eleanor Blodgett "Mentally "retired" children;: What parents and others should know"
hide the fact that you know that they are "retired" and act accordingly you should have no problems then.
Good on you for understanding that.
I have BPD, and im single now. When i have a relationship i don't want to be in it. And now im willing to get a gf, but the sense of calm that you get is way higher
Women should just start the initation honestly, most of the animal kingdom women chooses then man. This would avoid any creepy male interactions, eliminate false understandings and save both sides from having unwanted interactions. If no woman interacts with you, your cooked if you cant find a man you like, its a you problem, both sides cant point the finger at anyone but themselves. Women fear for their own safety from men, granted less life threatening men know most women carry pepper spray where its legal as a deterrent, and the second they use it its guilty until proven innocent. America grows ever so divisive and humans overall start to fear/hate each other. There is defiantly a macro overarching problem with the world atm and this lonleyness epidemic on both sides is just a byproduct of it.
Good idea on paper that would be bad in reality. They’re already used to not approaching. Besides, if they suddenly all started approaching, they’d only approach a slim number of men. More guys would end up perpetually single and lonely.
@@stephengrant4841 exactly it would just be tinder in real life lol
I would approach, but i'm afraid to do it. Idk, men seems to be more cruel rejecting a woman if they don't find her attractive.
@@moonamoonz I think it goes both ways, if someone rejects you cruely you just dodged a red flag. man or woman
Dude you came exactly when I needed this, I have a girl that has been into me but I’m stuck at having expressed my feelings, addressing mutual feelings (not really well tho), and just chilling for now and flirting
What do you mean by stuck? Are you enjoying how things are going with the person?
@ I mean stuck in that I definitely feel some mutual romantic connection, but my samskara of not being enough as I am - without having to prove that my internal qualities are worth considering - is scaring me away from taking a definite next step. I’m enjoying how things are going now, it seems like she’s growing more comfortable and opening herself up to further the relationship. At the same time I don’t have confidence that she knows me well enough to see how my good qualities cancel out what I’m insecure about (awkwardness, inexperience w girls, masculinity and inadequacy). Basically torn between keeping my chill in the flirtatious and safe zone where the attraction is there but not defined (side 1) and then taking the next steps and asking her out or asking what she wants out of the relationship or something (side 2). I hope this was readable and concise enough !
@@connorholmes8786 If you converse in the right way, she will notice those qualities. For example, not a lot of men actually ask women questions on a date (look this up, its really common LOL). If you ask her questions about herself and display genuine interest that's a green flag.
What other qualities may you have you're probably wondering? Well, if you really have such qualities, you'll already be naturally expressing them unless you deliberately block your authenticity. Remember, pretending to be someone you're not will actually backfire and make you look like a bad person (this is how a lot of players operate). And if she sees your authenticity as unattractive or whatever, then she was never good for you.
For example, if you're nurturing, you'll probably be attentive and considerate. If you're empathic, you'll be non-judgemental. Communication naturally resolves a lot of misconceptions about the other person. So, flow with the river.
Spend time with them, and stuff will figure itself out, usually
diagnose 31 ugly and social awkward adhd . only thing i learned that everybody is horrible. no matter how much you do your best ,i'll always treaded like shit
@cortesimerci35 yep, seeking approval. Wrong. Gave up trying to find someone years ago. I dont even have ppl that i can consider talking to, so whos approval do i seek.
You haven’t tried finding someone to talk to?
@@ChopChip-c3n tried i have, but it doenst seems to matter at all. i can ask ppl that i considered as friends to meet up or just chat with them 95% just get ignored. i have tried speeddating 8 tims so far .hopely to find someone who will like me, but more to just practice to talk to complete strangers. to know avail. the urge to speak is so low that i lot of days that i wont say any words. mostly just because i dont have anything to say and no one to say stuff to. it doenst seems to matter if i try or not the result stays the same.
@@arocelllif you want a friend, Id love to be your friend man
I want to become a man who has the wisdom of Dr. K rather than focusing on a GF.
My problem is that I never actually shoot my shot because I’m always “waiting for the right moment.” It’s funny because I always heard people say that and thought it was dumb asf until next thing I know, I’m here myself
I think a lot of stuff probably applies to a lot of people, but honestly, I feel like literally nothing applied to me. Overall well explained once again
I don't even know where to look to meet women period. It feels like people of our generation have to be soo focused and put soo much time of our lives into our work that other than maybe the library, and I don't read really, I don't see women around, atleast not ones who seem like they would be ok with somone instigating a conversation, most are partnered already and or within a large friend group. Makes it hard to put out interest or express it. I go to bars and events, usually with friends yes but sometimes alone and it just surprises me how many men have expressed interest but not a single woman. Could just be societal normalities but oof.
Maybe I'm just gay and I naturally don't have attraction to women, I do I just realize I pay more attention to how men look out in the wild. Could just be that internalized homophobia I was tought that forces my mind to veiw things a certain way.
It is not about you, basicly relationship market is disbalaced to the point the stratification and inequality is much bigger than any totalitarian regime has lol.