@@brooklynalexander2452 100%!!! 👏👏👏 Cheaters make conscious decisions and must own ALL of their sin. From experience I know often they truly have NO clue how much they will hurt their Significant Other when they cheat. They lie to themselves. They tell themselves that she will never find out. But when it inevitably ALL comes out they often minimize her pain or tell her to just ‘get over it.’ These cowards truly can’t stand to see the damage they caused. They have NO idea the pain & trauma she must live with. This stuff takes EPIC time and effort to overcome. The guy you love is most likely not a monster but a supremely selfish idiot with little to no boundaries or relationship with Christ. In my opinion he became someone you don’t even recognize any more because the enemy comes in to steal, kill and destroy. ‘Father forgive them for they know not what they do.’ What both partners need to know is that there IS redemption in Christ but they must turn towards him. There is the ‘sinners prayer’ for a reason. This guy CAN be redeemed and his partner & relationship CAN be repaired. But GUARANTEED it will take longer and be harder than either one of them would like. Recovering from infidelity will be one of the greatest challenges of your life. But it IS possible to overcome. 💕
I have a very hard time with the word forgiveness. Instead I use the word release and that works for me. I release the energy around this person and this damage. Every time something comes up I just repeat that and it works and it's almost gone now it's 6 years out. Can't say the relationship has entirely healed not even close but I can say that I have pretty much to the best of what's available under the circumstances. I really looked at all the things I chose to overlook in that relationship. The things that led me to being blindsided. Have learned so so much. I learned that relationships are extremely hard and I can be proud that I did not do this to anybody
I have learned that yes I can forgive : my relationships with the people who betrayed me does not have to be the same.. and should not be the same as the betrayer showed me who he really is! Different than who I believed him to be.
@@elizabethlasseigne5361 I agree I can never give forgiveness, but understanding what he has repeatedly done to himself and his family not why But what he has done has given me absolute release
I would like to add a comment: when you have been betrayed, do NOT think about how you feel about her.....ask yourself this: how do you think she feels about you, given her behavior. Her lack of love, empathy and fidelity toward you should put you on the proper course of action.
I have often wondered about this but my ex tells me what a wonderful woman she is and that she sends me her best wishes. I can't feel warmly towards this at all
OMG. " if I can't forgive you, you will forever own a piece of my soul, if you've been that evil to me" That really struck me. " and then "Finding some within myself and acceptance". I hope that I can get to this point. Thanks for this great advice
Here trying to forgive my ex and my parents and my so called friends for severe forms of betrayal. I'm in so much pain it takes my breath away. Knowing it was deliberately done, and knowing that I will have life long issues now makes it harder. It's really affecting me. Here to learn how to get past the pain. Hopefully I can. Love to all who have been betrayed.
I can relate to you. How do you feel now, months later. I’m only 2 weeks in and the trauma and pain is immense. Do you feel better now. I need hope. Anyway much love. Xo
@@brianmery761Hi. I’m in the trenches with you 55 years old and I’m still getting hit by a lifetime of hurt. It snowballs and until it rolls off the mountain plunges and crashes nothing else can bust the lie wide open And only then can you begin the journey of getting out the the matrix lie and start working through the layers of lies and deception and pain. It does get better you will be a fucking hero of yourself. Be proud of what you are about to accomplish ❤. Gods love for you.
@@brianmery761 I hear you Brian. 💕 I have LIVED this walk through h*ll myself and came out the other side. The pain from infidelity & being stabbed in the back by the one person you trusted the most DOES subside over time. Life CAN get better but it takes effort, in my opinion. For my OCD personality it took years of processing this crud and looking for answers. I had to read massive amounts of stuff and turn over every rock to see what lies beneath. But that’s just me. Infidelity is such a devastating thing. I HAD to understand this craziness from every possible angle. Upon discovery, I went into shock & started shaking. My body was freaking out. The only way I could effectively offload the incredible stress was by walking. This is when I talked to God about EVERYTHING. I also had unhealthy coping mechanisms like: Pick the drug of your choice to numb the pain. For example, over eating / alcohol / drugs / shopping / gambling (or God forbid) revenge cheating - which I never would do. These will give temporary relief but only hurt us in the end. You are only a few months into the repair of your heart, soul (and maybe your relationship.) Give yourself grace and time, Brian. 💕 Take good care of yourself as you would if you had a child who got seriously hurt. I treated myself as if I had had a severe illness. I ate comforting, healthy food to recover, I tried my best to sleep (when I would wake up with those horrible visions in my head I asked God to put me back to sleep), I prayed for God to give me strength to get through it every single day, and He helped me. I kept looking for ways to handle the crazy trauma. (My nervous system was so shot I couldn’t relax.). Brian - you CAN heal. It IS possible. It takes work, but you can do it! You never deserved what happened to you, no matter how ‘bad’ of a spouse you were or how bad your relationship was. BOTH parties are responsible for the condition of the relationship before the infidelity happened. But the cheater needs to own what they did: That’s on THEM - 100%. 💕 God bless everyone who has been cheated on. You all are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. 💕
It's been a year and a half for me. The first nine months felt like I was drowning. After that it felt like I was on the beach. Broken, bloody, but no longer drowning and still traumatized. Now, I'm doing better but it has taken work.@@brianmery761
I forgave my husbands 4.5 year affair... He said 3 women!! I was trying to save my marraige and family.... I had NO IDEA!!!! My body makfunctioned... Rage, dispair, deep betrayal, crazy hurt... I had 4 strokes. After my husband apologized, he didy need to say sorry again! Beware... Be ready for the storm of your life. Realizing every memory was a lie... Its too much!! My family is ruined?
Hi Lisa, My wife had a 6 year affair with her boss. I stayed in marriage for our small children. That was in 1988. I waited until 2015 to get professional help to deal with the intrusive thoughts that pop into my head. Years of depression. Only 8 times in 36 years did I have sex with my wife and the thought of the AP did Not appear in my thoughts. How sick is that? I did forgive, butr can not forget of the all the bad memories. Thankfully, all of our children are doing so well and would not have if I had gotten a divorce. I truly hope you can finish your life strong and your faith in God has never been diminished.
Thank you. I now understand much more clearly what my wife is feeling and thinking. I also now understand much more about my own thoughts and feelings. You have also given solid strategies for starting the healing process.
I personally could not. THe thought of staying with her after her infidelity was never an option. My singular path to recovery was a complete disassociation from her......which I did by getting my employer to transfer me 1,500 miles away. I let my lawyer handle the divorce by threatening to make her immoral conduct known to her family, friends and employer.....so it went as well as could be expected. In the last 18 years, I have never attempted to contact her......THAT IS HOW A MAN SHOULD HANDLE FOUL BEHAVIOR !!
What about a woman? Under age children? My husband never confessed , he tried to make me think it was my imagination. I even went to my Dr and discovered I had a STD. Dr said don’t go home and accuse your husband of cheating. Well what then? I haven’t cheated. Can’t catch it on a toilet seat. I loved him so much but I was in college getting my nursing degree and had in my heart made up my mind that after I finished school and got a job I was leaving him. The closer my graduation came I think he sensed that’s what I was thinking although I never said anything. He took me out for our 20 something anniversary. I was holding back the tears. He asked men”Do you want to get married again? I shook my head no as tears flowed. I wish I had asked him if we did would you keep your wedding vows? I didn’t. We went along trying to live our lives and raise the children. I let denial take over and I did love him so much. After 58+ years of marriage he died after five long years of fighting metastatic prostrate cancer. He was at home on hospice. Two days before he died he told me he tried to be faithful to you. All those years of wondering who and why I didn’t ask and he didn’t say. Grief over a loss of a spouse after many years of marriage is hard but throw in a deathbed confession with no time to get answers and have some kind of validation of my feelings has been excruciating. It’s been three years next month. I’ve been to grief counseling, kept a journal and wrote explicitly what I went through and I’m still going through. Im now 77. My daughter and my granddaughter lives with me in another city. I couldn’t live there without him. In the years leading up to his death he told me “Thank you for marrying me”. I would do it again if only I could do some things differently. If we could start all over and do things right. 😢😢😢
@@LcJohnson7962 Well, as a man with no children, it was easy to leave her, as opposed to living with a woman for whom I had no respect, no trust and no attraction. Life on my own is just a lot more peaceful.
@@michaelcollins8328 Peace is such a good goal to have after what we have been through. There IS hope and there IS peace on the other side of infidelity - if we look for it and don’t give up. 💕
thanks, @@rakhmianwar6785 despair makes you histrionic sometimes. technically, I'm helped by disability benefits and my emotional support pet. hope your future gets brighter.
I felt the same. I lost relationships with family members over this. They did not understand what I was going through and made a mess of the relationship that we did have.
Im struggling right now and kind of searching ways that work for me and make sense to me so I can forgive and heal. I dont want to hold onto this pain. I want to move forward. But I'm having a hard time.
What I am having issues with is that he says he's sober from pa/sa, but still abandons, doesn't protect, still lies, has poor communication. We've spent thousands upon thousands on therapy/psychiatrist/CSAT. He said he was scared, a real fear, he can't change. He could have low grade aspergers. He has been diagnosed with ADD/bipolar. I keep being hurt, but I know he can treat others with care/empathy. For some reason it's difficult with me. I love him but don't like him as a person.
I am so sorry for your ongoing pain. You deserve to be loved & swaddled. I understand this all too well. My spouse is bipolar & an addict & in denial. It’s hard to know sometimes how much you need to give & when it’s time to walk away. I pray you have clarity of heart & mind. Take care.
You’re welcome. I do believe he still should be held accountable for the pain he is causing to you especially since he can treat others with care/empathy. The saying is true that hurt people hurt people especially those closest to us. Hopefully, he is in therapy and if not, you can strongly encourage therapy to get resolution on this. Therapy wound be great for you if you’re not already going especially someone to just talk to about it all. My soon to be ex is bipolar & an addict with deep anger/resentment issues. I just went thru his 2nd meltdown episode in our 5 year marriage where he began adjusting his meds/stopped them began marijuana (which makes him volatile/aggressive/& crazy). He has verbally abused me, shows no empathy, refused to openly communicate, lies, etc…then began discarding me. I went thru this 3 years ago with him also. We almost divorced after separation for 8 months. He returned as the sweet man I remembered promising me he would do everything he could be committed WITH me to his mental health & our marriage. Once this new episode began, he told me his promises he had written for me 3 years ago could not/would not be held over his head & used as control. 🙄We had stress in our marriage & he began lying 8 weeks ago-changing his meds up, started marijuana again, & then it has been hell on earth for about 8 weeks while I tried to figure out what was going on. I thought, and he told me, that he needed space. I thought it was his bipolar & I was trying to be sensitive & empathetic to his needs. So, I gave him lots of space for 6 weeks. Turns out, he was lying & manipulating me. He went & got a whole new cell phone plan apart from mine, he distanced himself emotionally which worsened and then vascillated (bought me a set of golf clubs for us to play together & 24 hours later he told me we are finished) which was days before I kicked him out. He locked me out of our business account twice & then would apologize & say it was wrong & immature & give me access again. He was on shopping sprees getting himself new clothes, etc…looking good bc he deserved it as he told me in other words. He had restarted going to AA in the last several days & was hitting a lot of meetings & even went to church for the first time in a year. He came home from church to tell me again that he is finished with our marriage & affirmed me in saying I was right that he is selfish. He believes he needs to be single…blah, blah. I could also see where he was beginning to set the stage to see what assets he was going to get bc of the things he was saying ( I was beginning to understand & see the manipulation at this point). I am in a profession that does quite well & I have supported him since he lost his job 3 years ago. I believe he either met someone over the weekend right before I kicked him out or had his eye on someone bc his behavior (he became very cold ending our marriage abruptly after telling me 6 weeks before he couldn’t see living life without me) & the disconnect intensified very fast! I met with a therapist Rhoberta Shaler who helped give me clarity. She stated he was up to something. She was right! She also asked me why I was still there??!! By this point everything was intensifying astronomically with his actions yet his words were ‘he is taking time to think.’ He had already moved in to another room in our house & was coming & going over the last several days as he pleased. That night I questioned him bc he still wasn’t home at 10:30. I decided I needed answers & he is accountable for those answers. He had his phone on silent so I text him. He eventually called me & went on an attack as to how I have no hold on him, we are done, he filed for divorce earlier that day (5 days later nothing has been filed per court records). He called me horrible names on that call, said everyone thinks I’m crazy, etc. At that point, I knew enough was enough. I told him don’t come home. He immediately began crying & begging to please let him get his stuff. He totally flipped & became an apologetic begging man. Now, it would be easy to try to excuse him bc of the bipolar & with the remembrance of the husband he could be (at least what I was labeling as love which now I’m realizing wasn’t love as I learn more from binging on UA-cam & therapy). My gut told me ‘No, do not allow this terrible behavior. You have tolerated & given enough. This is manipulation to continue his temper tantrum.’ I have been praying for God to give me clarity. I found this therapist online & she affirmed me. She affirmed he has to be accountable for keeping his bipolar in check. He also has narcissistic tendencies. We, as women, are such nurturers! It is easy for us to be manipulated, used, & abused! There is another Christian therapist I’ve been watching. He says he is sick of the abuse so he wrote a book called Enough is Enough by David Clarke. I shared all of this to give you some insight. Sometimes it’s helpful to hear other people’s stories. I understand what you feel when you say you don’t like him as a person & it sounds like it’s hard to respect him bc of the way he treats you. This is no way to live. I also did not like who my husband was as a person bc of his harsh abusive treatment. There were good times in there but I realized there was something missing which was intimacy. I don’t even think I truly know what it is to be loved honestly…he would take my trauma wounds & turn them to hurt me. My therapist said he is weaponizing your vulnerabilities. I would forgive & move on & then sometimes give it back to him-reactive abuse. All of this is crazy making & I decided I needed to get off of this roller coaster especially because my husband refused help. Anyways, I REALLY hope this helps you. I pray you find clarity & peace of mind. It is utter hell to be held in such pain that keeps being perpetuated & then excused without real change. Take care!🌷 I will be praying for you as you’re on this journey bc I know how confusing it can be & can keep you in gridlock which is an emotional hell.
A book that may help the betrayer understand the impact on the betrayed is On the Journey, by Elaine VandeReis Gentle Path Press. Also good for the betrayed to see the process of moving through the profound emotions after betrayal and moving toward freedom from the rage, fear and attachment to the trauma.
The betrayer already knows this. It takes deep thought and deep planning to continue to have an affair. The only remorse they have is that they got caught And have to deal with the crazy wife at home every day …
Kristin, thank you. You are so right about grief. You so, "get it". I lost my 7 year old daughter in a tragic accident in 2003. I've had sponsors in Al Anon ask me "why aren't you over it yet?" I try to explain that this magnitude of grief is as crippling as an addiction. I will have to work through it at times for the rest of my life. The anniversary of her birth and death days are difficult. I will be in grief "recovery" for life most likely. I respect so much what you are saying about grief i can trust what you are telling me about healing from betrayal. I've known/suspected the betrayal for some time. I've processed through every emotion. Right now I'm numb and could frankly care less. I was thinking my life feels like that George Straight country song called, "This Time She Didn't Cry." I feel total apathy about this r.n. He's offered to go to therapy, go into a 12 step revovery for lying, but still won't or can't admit to the behaviours that preceed the lying. That he's addicted to these behaviors. Thank you for these podcasts. They've gotten me through a pretty confusing week.
My experience is my soon to be ex wife didn't have the same definition of loyalty as I did. I took her back at least 10 times. Now she got out of debt, and I'm having to go bankruptcy, she don't want to work on our marriage. I'm struggling with forgiveness and anger
My wife did the same. Finally wanted to commingle our finances the last couple of years, she let me pay more towards her bills (she was in debt) In the end she cheated with a co-worker but tried to make it sound like she wanted to separate to work on herself & her feelings. It was clear that she just wanted to use my income to help her get an apartment etc. I got my own bank account and filed for divorce and she got upset. Funny how they don’t like it when you call them out.
Wow yes so important to keep in mind that these addictions are the solution, the coping mechanisms to other core issues. The coping mechanism becomes the problem too.
19:35 When I found the p@rn, and found out how long this was going on, I said the most horrible things. I apologized for that, even though I’m still angry, because that is not me. I wanted to accept my accountability for that.
It certainly becomes a lot more overwhelming as one gets older and the relationship spans over a lifetime. Have you found the support groups on Sexandrelationshiphealing.com? That have groups specifically for older people with longer-term marriages.
In retrospect of my grief events ( multiple over the decades) , people don't understand the need to hold space for someone to let them process on their timeline. People want to push or minimize your processing timeline "under the rug "saying for example " it's in the past." Well intentioned but not understanding the need to hold space.
You sound like you're in a great deal of pain and I'm sorry this is happening to you. I have a few videos on (generally) why people cheat (from my clinical and personal experience). It sounds like you're trying to make sense of this pain. I hope you can find some help and support
@KristinSnowden yes it's still fresh and I'm being treated like dirt by her and her family. I was closer with them than my own. It's like being kicked when I'm already down.
It is not the physical appearance of the Wife that makes men capable of cheating. It is the content of their character. This is evidenced by beautiful women like Halle Berry being cheated on. Cheaters are broken people. They CAN change and they CAN get help on how to become a better person but it is much easier to point the finger and blame the spouse. BOTH contributed to the state of the marriage before the affair. But you can NEVER be responsible for someone else’s sin. Cheaters must own their stuff 100%.
@@Lauren-i8i women deny their responsibility to making their husbands wanting to cheat on them. Lack of love and nurturing is a big thing that women deny their husbands. There’s always contributing factors.
I’m watching after the fact I’ve been divorced since January and still trying to figure out this. I’m still processing it and I found this out in November 2020 it blew my mind. Yes sex addiction porn addiction going to prostitutes and transgender this is a man I was with for 25 years and had three children with and my dream And vision for my life was 100% shattered when I first found out I think I was in disassociation for at least a few months! Forgiveness is definitely a process because I immediately said that I forgive him but even still, I feel very angry and it bounces back-and-forth for sadness for this person for the dream for our family and on a good day I feel sympathy and pity for this man! And I did not react away I would think I would react because I have a social service background and I was screaming and yelling, but it’s good to know about all of this because I understand now that I had reactive abuse
It took me ten years to feel free of the fear and pain associated with my divorce and a couple noe years to invite my ex husband to join us for Christmas. Even so it was a bit hard to hear he was trying to sell my Wedgwood dinner service and my Waterford service off glasses . I vvhad let him have them in the asset split even though he had made no contribution to the pretty high cost.
I'm having a really hard time as it is more then just betrayal. But she kept our house our farm I barely see my children. Says I never wanted to be a father but I did and I did love her very much. Says it's my fault so did her mother. It's not my place to punish her anymore like I feel like. But my loss is so much larger. I don't even want to look at picture of my own children and they're very young 1 and 3. She says I can see them they're but it hurts to much to come and go from our home we built together. Plus she moved on very very fast on top of everything.
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you’re able to find a divorce or betrayed partners community to walk with you through this extremely painful time.
I hear how painful a situation like this can be, Keith. 💕💕 Pain like this is off the charts and is immeasurable. But I must say as a Dad your #1 obligation is to your children. They NEED their Dad. This means you must endure frequently seeing your ex and putting up with the (hopefully ex) Mother in Laws input. No matter what, you NEED to be there for your kids! NO ONE can replace you! Come h*ll or high water, you MUST be a consistent presence for them. Raising your kids is likely your greatest purpose in life. You can be the stable role model who is a voice of reason. They will grow up and NEVER forget how you handled this crisis. They are ALWAYS learning by watching you - even when you think they aren’t paying attention. Little kids absorb EVERYTHING. You MUST counteract your exes attempts to convince the kids you don’t want to be a Dad. Beware of just giving ‘lip service.’ Words are cheap - ACTION means everything. Show up when you say you’re going to show up. Remember their Birthdays and Christmas. See them REGULARLY. Know who their friends are as they grow. Know who their favorite teacher is. Know what they hate most about school. PROVE to your Ex she was WRONG. It may hurt to go to the house you built- No doubt - especially if she’s already got some other dude there. 🤢 But this is NOT about YOU two. The focus is ALL about the KIDS. You are fighting for a relationship with YOUR children. This is the toughest battle you will ever fight & God is on your side. 👍 Put on your Armor and do it. You love your kids and they love YOU. Screw this up, Keith, and it will likely be your biggest regret in life. Your kids DESERVE a good Dad. It’s not hard. Just be there. Love on them. YOU CAN DO IT!!! 👏👏👏
I feel like I forgave him it took me years but I honestly don't think I can ever forgive him for what he did to our children. He took away their innocence because they had to deal with all these big grown up emotions. He didn't just leave me he left them too. I had to watch them lose their innocence and I watch them become angry. I begged him to please do something they are getting angry please please do something. He told me that's what I wanted hahaha. I know I need to forgive for all the things he put our kids through but I just can't. You can't go around hurting someone children like that. He was supposed to be the person that helped me protect them but he broke them over and over. How do you forgive for that.
I think you let your angry emotions affect the kids. You couldn’t keep it together for the sake of them. They are innocent, but you, as the wife are the one that should be dealing solely with your unfaithful husband. Why dragged the kids into this? I’m sure he still loves them the same way as he did.
My battle is, were to from here? He has come clean. Identified the triggers, stopped (nofab). He has moved past many struggles, we discuss the topic daily. He is partialy over lusting. I just don't know where to go from here. Ive been trying for him to see the problem for the 25years. He now realizes what all I went through and after DDay went cold turkey and gives me my space when I need it. How do I trust again after so many attempts? When will I even feel sexually attracted to him again? Will I ever be able to have descent intimate sex without worrries. He is working really hard and I can see him changing into his old self with his brain rewiring ect. BUT... How do I start healing myself after only concentrating on him getting the help that he needed? I feel so uncertain and affraid. WE want to make our marriage work and I am trying my best to forgive him for falling in this trap, but now I am the one fighting with my inner self
Have you been able to engage a supportive group of women who’s struggled in a similar way? Like the free support of WeTonglen or SexandRelationshipHealing.com? Your questions are all very important and can/should be processed with safe, trusted others. I hope you find that safe space. You don’t have to do this alone.
I struggle with the same thing. How do I not be triggered anymore when I see a romantic scene on tv, see a woman in a bathing suit, etc? My husband is committed and so am I. He treated me like a platonic but nice roommate for years. I thought he had low testosterone and does have ED, and those were the reasons for his lack of desire. Didn’t know he was using porn and had plenty of desire. How do I get past the resentment of decades of being ignored despite the fact he is now the man of my dreams? I feel disoriented, guilty for not just feeling overjoyed at the changed, and confused. I’ll check out the sex and relationship site suggested. Thank you
Simply because he wanted to sleep with someone else. He’ll never admit it, but he probably loved her. These thoughts never go away. The only thing you can do for yourself in which it matters is divorce him. These bad feelings never ever go away… sorry
Is this projection or denial? It’s strange. So many things she claimed I was guilty of, she was as well. I drank WAY too much. But during the divorce (and after) I saw her wasted several times (with our kids), yet she threatened to tell the judge that I shouldn’t be around our children due to my drinking. She claimed to be the “primary care giver” yet I think she just wanted to have every other week of so she could see her friends and boyfriend. She even brings them to my house to complete their homework when she “can’t deal with them”. She used to get jealous if I spoke to long to another woman, but in the end she ended up having an emotional affair before/during the divorce. Is this projection?
Forgive yourself so the shame of having been abused by your parent doesn't stay with you. Forgive yourself for feeling shame over something you had no control over
We can reject the pain that is trying to take us down. The enemy wants to steal, kill and destroy us any way possible. Resentment is SO tenacious. It moves in to the center of our soul and is SO HARD to shake. You can harbor (VERY justifiable) resentments FOREVER. This stuff can eat away at us from the inside & some say the stress can promote disease. We must fight the natural inclination to develop a hardened heart after being cheated on - but it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I tried forgiving a million times but the anger is the last to go. Allowing resentment to take root in our soul is toxic. It will change who you are for the worse (if you let it.) It can turn into bitterness. Bitterness can LITERALLY wreck you. We must reject this darkness in the name of Jesus. I refuse to let someone else’s sin to destroy MY life.
There is great information here. I really like it. But there seems to be a clear lack of compassion for the men who are experiencing the pain of their pathologies and the pain of losing their wives, girlfriends, and entire families on top of it. I get those who refuse to face their addictive activitities and continue to abuse those closest to them. You have to take care of yourself and protect children. But if these are men that are legitimately trying to walk down a new path, why give up on them? It is too easy to just say "it is all your fault" and walk away without ever considering the role you played in the dysfunction. It all seems pretty convenient.
Just something to mention moving forward, at least half of the time the WOMAN IS THE CHEATER- So I would make the pronouns more interchangeable because it only further humiliates, and embarrasses the men that go through this living hell-
Unless you have been betrayed you have no idea trust me on this
Agree.
I'm sure everyone has at one point or another, sending love❤
I think even the betraying has no idea the amount of pain they level on their spouse
@@brooklynalexander2452
100%!!! 👏👏👏
Cheaters make conscious decisions and must own ALL of their sin.
From experience I know often they truly have NO clue how much they will hurt their Significant Other when they cheat. They lie to themselves.
They tell themselves that she will never find out.
But when it inevitably ALL comes out they often minimize her pain or tell her to just ‘get over it.’
These cowards truly can’t stand to see the damage they caused.
They have NO idea the pain & trauma she must live with.
This stuff takes EPIC time and effort to overcome.
The guy you love is most likely not a monster but a supremely selfish idiot with little to no boundaries or relationship with Christ.
In my opinion he became someone you don’t even recognize any more because the enemy comes in to steal, kill and destroy.
‘Father forgive them for they know not what they do.’
What both partners need to know is that there IS redemption in Christ but they must turn towards him.
There is the ‘sinners prayer’ for a reason.
This guy CAN be redeemed and his partner & relationship CAN be repaired.
But GUARANTEED it will take longer and be harder than either one of them would like.
Recovering from infidelity will be one of the greatest challenges of your life.
But it IS possible to overcome. 💕
In the end we just gotta forgive our past selves and also forgive the other person who wronged us … it’s for peace ☮️
I have a very hard time with the word forgiveness. Instead I use the word release and that works for me. I release the energy around this person and this damage. Every time something comes up I just repeat that and it works and it's almost gone now it's 6 years out. Can't say the relationship has entirely healed not even close but I can say that I have pretty much to the best of what's available under the circumstances. I really looked at all the things I chose to overlook in that relationship. The things that led me to being blindsided. Have learned so so much. I learned that relationships are extremely hard and I can be proud that I did not do this to anybody
Thank you so much for sharing this! I’m sure it will be helpful to many.
The word “release” instead of “forgive” is a FANTASTIC suggestion. It feels soooo much easier. Thank you!
I have learned that yes I can forgive : my relationships with the people who betrayed me does not have to be the same.. and should not be the same as the betrayer showed me who he really is! Different than who I believed him to be.
@@elizabethlasseigne5361 I agree I can never give forgiveness, but understanding what he has repeatedly done to himself and his family not why
But what he has done has given me absolute release
I would like to add a comment: when you have been betrayed, do NOT think about how you feel about her.....ask yourself this: how do you think she feels about you, given her behavior. Her lack of love, empathy and fidelity toward you should put you on the proper course of action.
Interesting. I will try that. Thanks
I have often wondered about this but my ex tells me what a wonderful woman she is and that she sends me her best wishes. I can't feel warmly towards this at all
OMG. " if I can't forgive you, you will forever own a piece of my soul, if you've been that evil to me" That really struck me. " and then "Finding some within myself and acceptance". I hope that I can get to this point. Thanks for this great advice
We did learn the golden rule at school, if everyone would treat others with respect and love the world would be better.
AMEN ! 👏
Here trying to forgive my ex and my parents and my so called friends for severe forms of betrayal. I'm in so much pain it takes my breath away. Knowing it was deliberately done, and knowing that I will have life long issues now makes it harder. It's really affecting me. Here to learn how to get past the pain. Hopefully I can. Love to all who have been betrayed.
I can relate to you. How do you feel now, months later. I’m only 2 weeks in and the trauma and pain is immense. Do you feel better now. I need hope. Anyway much love. Xo
Hope, love, prayers to all!
@@brianmery761Hi. I’m in the trenches with you 55 years old and I’m still getting hit by a lifetime of hurt. It snowballs and until it rolls off the mountain plunges and crashes nothing else can bust the lie wide open
And only then can you begin the journey of getting out the the matrix lie and start working through the layers of lies and deception and pain. It does get better you will be a fucking hero of yourself. Be proud of what you are about to accomplish ❤. Gods love for you.
@@brianmery761
I hear you Brian. 💕
I have LIVED this walk through h*ll myself and came out the other side.
The pain from infidelity & being stabbed in the back by the one person you trusted the most DOES subside over time.
Life CAN get better but it takes effort, in my opinion.
For my OCD personality it took years of processing this crud and looking for answers. I had to read massive amounts of stuff and turn over every rock to see what lies beneath.
But that’s just me.
Infidelity is such a devastating thing.
I HAD to understand this craziness from every possible angle.
Upon discovery, I went into shock & started shaking. My body was freaking out. The only way I could effectively offload the incredible stress was by walking. This is when I talked to God about EVERYTHING.
I also had unhealthy coping mechanisms like:
Pick the drug of your choice to numb the pain.
For example, over eating / alcohol / drugs / shopping / gambling (or God forbid) revenge cheating - which I never would do.
These will give temporary relief but only hurt us in the end.
You are only a few months into the repair of your heart, soul (and maybe your relationship.)
Give yourself grace and time, Brian.
💕
Take good care of yourself as you would if you had a child who got seriously hurt.
I treated myself as if I had had a severe illness. I ate comforting, healthy food to recover, I tried my best to sleep (when I would wake up with those horrible visions in my head I asked God to put me back to sleep), I prayed for God to give me strength to get through it every single day, and He helped me.
I kept looking for ways to handle the crazy trauma. (My nervous system was so shot I couldn’t relax.).
Brian - you CAN heal. It IS possible.
It takes work, but you can do it!
You never deserved what happened to you, no matter how ‘bad’ of a spouse you were or how bad your relationship was.
BOTH parties are responsible for the condition of the relationship before the infidelity happened.
But the cheater needs to own what they did:
That’s on THEM - 100%.
💕 God bless everyone who has been cheated on. You all are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. 💕
It's been a year and a half for me. The first nine months felt like I was drowning. After that it felt like I was on the beach. Broken, bloody, but no longer drowning and still traumatized. Now, I'm doing better but it has taken work.@@brianmery761
I forgave my husbands 4.5 year affair... He said 3 women!! I was trying to save my marraige and family.... I had NO IDEA!!!! My body makfunctioned... Rage, dispair, deep betrayal, crazy hurt... I had 4 strokes. After my husband apologized, he didy need to say sorry again! Beware... Be ready for the storm of your life. Realizing every memory was a lie... Its too much!! My family is ruined?
Hi Lisa, My wife had a 6 year affair with her boss. I stayed in marriage for our small children. That was in 1988. I waited until 2015 to get professional help to deal with the intrusive thoughts that pop into my head. Years of depression. Only 8 times in 36 years did I have sex with my wife and the thought of the AP did Not appear in my thoughts. How sick is that? I did forgive, butr can not forget of the all the bad memories. Thankfully, all of our children are doing so well and would not have if I had gotten a divorce. I truly hope you can finish your life strong and your faith in God has never been diminished.
Thank you. I now understand much more clearly what my wife is feeling and thinking. I also now understand much more about my own thoughts and feelings. You have also given solid strategies for starting the healing process.
I personally could not. THe thought of staying with her after her infidelity was never an option. My singular path to recovery was a complete disassociation from her......which I did by getting my employer to transfer me 1,500 miles away. I let my lawyer handle the divorce by threatening to make her immoral conduct known to her family, friends and employer.....so it went as well as could be expected. In the last 18 years, I have never attempted to contact her......THAT IS HOW A MAN SHOULD HANDLE FOUL BEHAVIOR !!
What about a woman? Under age children? My husband never confessed , he tried to make me think it was my imagination. I even went to my Dr and discovered I had a STD. Dr said don’t go home and accuse your husband of cheating. Well what then? I haven’t cheated. Can’t catch it on a toilet seat. I loved him so much but I was in college getting my nursing degree and had in my heart made up my mind that after I finished school and got a job I was leaving him. The closer my graduation came I think he sensed that’s what I was thinking although I never said anything. He took me out for our 20 something anniversary. I was holding back the tears. He asked men”Do you want to get married again? I shook my head no as tears flowed. I wish I had asked him if we did would you keep your wedding vows? I didn’t. We went along trying to live our lives and raise the children. I let denial take over and I did love him so much. After 58+ years of marriage he died after five long years of fighting metastatic prostrate cancer. He was at home on hospice. Two days before he died he told me he tried to be faithful to you. All those years of wondering who and why I didn’t ask and he didn’t say. Grief over a loss of a spouse after many years of marriage is hard but throw in a deathbed confession with no time to get answers and have some kind of validation of my feelings has been excruciating. It’s been three years next month. I’ve been to grief counseling, kept a journal and wrote explicitly what I went through and I’m still going through. Im now 77. My daughter and my granddaughter lives with me in another city. I couldn’t live there without him. In the years leading up to his death he told me “Thank you for marrying me”. I would do it again if only I could do some things differently. If we could start all over and do things right. 😢😢😢
@@LcJohnson7962 Well, as a man with no children, it was easy to leave her, as opposed to living with a woman for whom I had no respect, no trust and no attraction. Life on my own is just a lot more peaceful.
@@LcJohnson7962 How long was his affair ? Did he cheat throughout the marriage or was it a one time thing ?
@@michaelcollins8328
Peace is such a good goal to have after what we have been through.
There IS hope and there IS peace on the other side of infidelity - if we look for it and don’t give up. 💕
@@LcJohnson7962❤
no one could ever understand my trauma. no one could help me besides me. this world sux.
I can feel you, I'm going through the same thing. I'm sending you my prayers that you'll be ok No matter what.
thanks, @@rakhmianwar6785 despair makes you histrionic sometimes. technically, I'm helped by disability benefits and my emotional support pet. hope your future gets brighter.
I don't think that's true. There are a lot of groups out there. It's hard finding a fit. I'm sorry you've had such a horrible time.
@@candacedavenport9425 the world is filled with incompetent, selfish people with no exception, but I appreciate your condolences.
I felt the same. I lost relationships with family members over this. They did not understand what I was going through and made a mess of the relationship that we did have.
Im struggling right now and kind of searching ways that work for me and make sense to me so I can forgive and heal. I dont want to hold onto this pain. I want to move forward. But I'm having a hard time.
2 years, I'm not over it. Think about it every day...💔
You’re not alone. These are deep wounds. Betrayal is devastating.
20 years
@@sandraredmond4812 I'm so sorry❤️
Same here
Same…
THIS IS A VERY POWERFUL WEBINAR!!!!!
What I am having issues with is that he says he's sober from pa/sa, but still abandons, doesn't protect, still lies, has poor communication. We've spent thousands upon thousands on therapy/psychiatrist/CSAT. He said he was scared, a real fear, he can't change. He could have low grade aspergers. He has been diagnosed with ADD/bipolar. I keep being hurt, but I know he can treat others with care/empathy. For some reason it's difficult with me. I love him but don't like him as a person.
I'm Sorry it hurts lots when someone you love can display these forms of empathy with others but not you . I only know all to well what this is like
It sounds like he is sober but has not recovered. That can take years and he has to really want to be that person.
I am so sorry for your ongoing pain. You deserve to be loved & swaddled. I understand this all too well. My spouse is bipolar & an addict & in denial. It’s hard to know sometimes how much you need to give & when it’s time to walk away. I pray you have clarity of heart & mind. Take care.
Thank you for your replies.💙
You’re welcome. I do believe he still should be held accountable for the pain he is causing to you especially since he can treat others with care/empathy. The saying is true that hurt people hurt people especially those closest to us. Hopefully, he is in therapy and if not, you can strongly encourage therapy to get resolution on this. Therapy wound be great for you if you’re not already going especially someone to just talk to about it all.
My soon to be ex is bipolar & an addict with deep anger/resentment issues. I just went thru his 2nd meltdown episode in our 5 year marriage where he began adjusting his meds/stopped them began marijuana (which makes him volatile/aggressive/& crazy). He has verbally abused me, shows no empathy, refused to openly communicate, lies, etc…then began discarding me. I went thru this 3 years ago with him also. We almost divorced after separation for 8 months. He returned as the sweet man I remembered promising me he would do everything he could be committed WITH me to his mental health & our marriage. Once this new episode began, he told me his promises he had written for me 3 years ago could not/would not be held over his head & used as control. 🙄We had stress in our marriage & he began lying 8 weeks ago-changing his meds up, started marijuana again, & then it has been hell on earth for about 8 weeks while I tried to figure out what was going on. I thought, and he told me, that he needed space. I thought it was his bipolar & I was trying to be sensitive & empathetic to his needs. So, I gave him lots of space for 6 weeks. Turns out, he was lying & manipulating me. He went & got a whole new cell phone plan apart from mine, he distanced himself emotionally which worsened and then vascillated (bought me a set of golf clubs for us to play together & 24 hours later he told me we are finished) which was days before I kicked him out. He locked me out of our business account twice & then would apologize & say it was wrong & immature & give me access again. He was on shopping sprees getting himself new clothes, etc…looking good bc he deserved it as he told me in other words. He had restarted going to AA in the last several days & was hitting a lot of meetings & even went to church for the first time in a year. He came home from church to tell me again that he is finished with our marriage & affirmed me in saying I was right that he is selfish. He believes he needs to be single…blah, blah. I could also see where he was beginning to set the stage to see what assets he was going to get bc of the things he was saying ( I was beginning to understand & see the manipulation at this point). I am in a profession that does quite well & I have supported him since he lost his job 3 years ago. I believe he either met someone over the weekend right before I kicked him out or had his eye on someone bc his behavior (he became very cold ending our marriage abruptly after telling me 6 weeks before he couldn’t see living life without me) & the disconnect intensified very fast! I met with a therapist Rhoberta Shaler who helped give me clarity. She stated he was up to something. She was right! She also asked me why I was still there??!! By this point everything was intensifying astronomically with his actions yet his words were ‘he is taking time to think.’ He had already moved in to another room in our house & was coming & going over the last several days as he pleased. That night I questioned him bc he still wasn’t home at 10:30. I decided I needed answers & he is accountable for those answers. He had his phone on silent so I text him. He eventually called me & went on an attack as to how I have no hold on him, we are done, he filed for divorce earlier that day (5 days later nothing has been filed per court records). He called me horrible names on that call, said everyone thinks I’m crazy, etc. At that point, I knew enough was enough. I told him don’t come home. He immediately began crying & begging to please let him get his stuff. He totally flipped & became an apologetic begging man. Now, it would be easy to try to excuse him bc of the bipolar & with the remembrance of the husband he could be (at least what I was labeling as love which now I’m realizing wasn’t love as I learn more from binging on UA-cam & therapy). My gut told me ‘No, do not allow this terrible behavior. You have tolerated & given enough. This is manipulation to continue his temper tantrum.’ I have been praying for God to give me clarity. I found this therapist online & she affirmed me. She affirmed he has to be accountable for keeping his bipolar in check. He also has narcissistic tendencies. We, as women, are such nurturers! It is easy for us to be manipulated, used, & abused! There is another Christian therapist I’ve been watching. He says he is sick of the abuse so he wrote a book called Enough is Enough by David Clarke.
I shared all of this to give you some insight. Sometimes it’s helpful to hear other people’s stories. I understand what you feel when you say you don’t like him as a person & it sounds like it’s hard to respect him bc of the way he treats you. This is no way to live. I also did not like who my husband was as a person bc of his harsh abusive treatment. There were good times in there but I realized there was something missing which was intimacy. I don’t even think I truly know what it is to be loved honestly…he would take my trauma wounds & turn them to hurt me. My therapist said he is weaponizing your vulnerabilities. I would forgive & move on & then sometimes give it back to him-reactive abuse. All of this is crazy making & I decided I needed to get off of this roller coaster especially because my husband refused help.
Anyways, I REALLY hope this helps you. I pray you find clarity & peace of mind. It is utter hell to be held in such pain that keeps being perpetuated & then excused without real change.
Take care!🌷
I will be praying for you as you’re on this journey bc I know how confusing it can be & can keep you in gridlock which is an emotional hell.
A book that may help the betrayer understand the impact on the betrayed is On the Journey, by Elaine VandeReis Gentle Path Press. Also good for the betrayed to see the process of moving through the profound emotions after betrayal and moving toward freedom from the rage, fear and attachment to the trauma.
Thank you for sharing this with me and the community
The betrayer already knows this. It takes deep thought and deep planning to continue to have an affair. The only remorse they have is that they got caught
And have to deal with the crazy wife at home every day …
Kristin, thank you.
You are so right about grief. You so, "get it".
I lost my 7 year old daughter in a tragic accident in 2003. I've had sponsors in Al Anon ask me "why aren't you over it yet?"
I try to explain that this magnitude of grief is as crippling as an addiction. I will have to work through it at times for the rest of my life. The anniversary of her birth and death days are difficult. I will be in grief "recovery" for life most likely.
I respect so much what you are saying about grief i can trust what you are telling me about healing from betrayal.
I've known/suspected the betrayal for some time. I've processed through every emotion. Right now I'm numb and could frankly care less.
I was thinking my life feels like that George Straight country song called, "This Time She Didn't Cry."
I feel total apathy about this r.n.
He's offered to go to therapy, go into a 12 step revovery for lying, but still won't or can't admit to the behaviours that preceed the lying. That he's addicted to these behaviors.
Thank you for these podcasts. They've gotten me through a pretty confusing week.
Thank you for sharing some of your story. I hope you’re finding you’re not alone in this journey.
My experience is my soon to be ex wife didn't have the same definition of loyalty as I did. I took her back at least 10 times. Now she got out of debt, and I'm having to go bankruptcy, she don't want to work on our marriage. I'm struggling with forgiveness and anger
My wife did the same. Finally wanted to commingle our finances the last couple of years, she let me pay more towards her bills (she was in debt) In the end she cheated with a co-worker but tried to make it sound like she wanted to separate to work on herself & her feelings. It was clear that she just wanted to use my income to help her get an apartment etc. I got my own bank account and filed for divorce and she got upset. Funny how they don’t like it when you call them out.
@@cmockingjay7265they really don't like it because before you used to give in. Keep strong.
Wow yes so important to keep in mind that these addictions are the solution, the coping mechanisms to other core issues. The coping mechanism becomes the problem too.
19:35 When I found the p@rn, and found out how long this was going on, I said the most horrible things. I apologized for that, even though I’m still angry, because that is not me. I wanted to accept my accountability for that.
Brilliant conversation. Thanks.
The a answer is ABSOLUTELY NOT ……SORRY TO DISAPPOINT…..I decided I will stay single till I die.
Same
Love the analysis of the platitude. It truly does no good. ❤
Our culture struggles with the whole platitude thing. Big time.
But to do this at 67 after 40 yrs of marriage?
It certainly becomes a lot more overwhelming as one gets older and the relationship spans over a lifetime. Have you found the support groups on Sexandrelationshiphealing.com? That have groups specifically for older people with longer-term marriages.
In retrospect of my grief events ( multiple over the decades) , people don't understand the need to hold space for someone to let them process on their timeline. People want to push or minimize your processing timeline "under the rug "saying for example " it's in the past." Well intentioned but not understanding the need to hold space.
This was spectacular, thank you both!
I think you have to let go of the thought he loved you in the first place
She's beautiful. No one would cheat on her
You sound like you're in a great deal of pain and I'm sorry this is happening to you. I have a few videos on (generally) why people cheat (from my clinical and personal experience). It sounds like you're trying to make sense of this pain. I hope you can find some help and support
@KristinSnowden yes it's still fresh and I'm being treated like dirt by her and her family. I was closer with them than my own. It's like being kicked when I'm already down.
It is not the physical appearance of the Wife that makes men capable of cheating.
It is the content of their character.
This is evidenced by beautiful women like Halle Berry being cheated on.
Cheaters are broken people.
They CAN change and they
CAN get help on how to become a
better person but it is much easier to point the finger and blame the spouse.
BOTH contributed to the state of the marriage before the affair.
But you can NEVER be responsible for someone else’s sin.
Cheaters must own their stuff 100%.
@@Lauren-i8i women deny their responsibility to making their husbands wanting to cheat on them.
Lack of love and nurturing is a big thing that women deny their husbands. There’s always contributing factors.
I’m watching after the fact I’ve been divorced since January and still trying to figure out this. I’m still processing it and I found this out in November 2020 it blew my mind. Yes sex addiction porn addiction going to prostitutes and transgender this is a man I was with for 25 years and had three children with and my dream And vision for my life was 100% shattered when I first found out I think I was in disassociation for at least a few months! Forgiveness is definitely a process because I immediately said that I forgive him but even still, I feel very angry and it bounces back-and-forth for sadness for this person for the dream for our family and on a good day I feel sympathy and pity for this man! And I did not react away I would think I would react because I have a social service background and I was screaming and yelling, but it’s good to know about all of this because I understand now that I had reactive abuse
It took me ten years to feel free of the fear and pain associated with my divorce and a couple noe years to invite my ex husband to join us for Christmas. Even so it was a bit hard to hear he was trying to sell my Wedgwood dinner service and my Waterford service off glasses . I vvhad let him have them in the asset split even though he had made no contribution to the pretty high cost.
You’re worried about money???
I'm having a really hard time as it is more then just betrayal. But she kept our house our farm I barely see my children. Says I never wanted to be a father but I did and I did love her very much. Says it's my fault so did her mother. It's not my place to punish her anymore like I feel like. But my loss is so much larger. I don't even want to look at picture of my own children and they're very young 1 and 3. She says I can see them they're but it hurts to much to come and go from our home we built together. Plus she moved on very very fast on top of everything.
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you’re able to find a divorce or betrayed partners community to walk with you through this extremely painful time.
I hear how painful a situation like this can be, Keith. 💕💕
Pain like this is off the charts and is immeasurable.
But I must say as a Dad your #1 obligation is to your children.
They NEED their Dad.
This means you must endure frequently seeing your ex and putting up with the (hopefully ex) Mother in Laws input.
No matter what, you NEED to be there for your kids!
NO ONE can replace you!
Come h*ll or high water, you MUST be a consistent presence for them.
Raising your kids is likely your greatest purpose in life.
You can be the stable role model who is a voice of reason.
They will grow up and NEVER forget how you handled this crisis.
They are ALWAYS learning by watching you - even when you think they aren’t paying attention. Little kids absorb EVERYTHING.
You MUST counteract your exes attempts to convince the kids you don’t want to be a Dad.
Beware of just giving ‘lip service.’
Words are cheap - ACTION means everything.
Show up when you say you’re going to show up.
Remember their Birthdays and Christmas.
See them REGULARLY.
Know who their friends are as they grow.
Know who their favorite teacher is.
Know what they hate most about school.
PROVE to your Ex she was WRONG.
It may hurt to go to the house you built-
No doubt - especially if she’s already got some other dude there. 🤢
But this is NOT about YOU two.
The focus is ALL about the KIDS.
You are fighting for a relationship with YOUR children.
This is the toughest battle you will ever fight & God is on your side. 👍
Put on your Armor and do it.
You love your kids and they love YOU.
Screw this up, Keith, and it will likely be your biggest regret in life.
Your kids DESERVE a good Dad.
It’s not hard.
Just be there.
Love on them.
YOU CAN DO IT!!!
👏👏👏
@@KristinSnowdenwhere do you look for these communities to be a part of?
I feel like I forgave him it took me years but I honestly don't think I can ever forgive him for what he did to our children. He took away their innocence because they had to deal with all these big grown up emotions. He didn't just leave me he left them too. I had to watch them lose their innocence and I watch them become angry. I begged him to please do something they are getting angry please please do something. He told me that's what I wanted hahaha. I know I need to forgive for all the things he put our kids through but I just can't. You can't go around hurting someone children like that. He was supposed to be the person that helped me protect them but he broke them over and over. How do you forgive for that.
I think you let your angry emotions affect the kids. You couldn’t keep it together for the sake of them. They are innocent, but you, as the wife are the one that should be dealing solely with your unfaithful husband. Why dragged the kids into this? I’m sure he still loves them the same way as he did.
i want to stop feeling lol
My battle is, were to from here? He has come clean. Identified the triggers, stopped (nofab). He has moved past many struggles, we discuss the topic daily. He is partialy over lusting. I just don't know where to go from here. Ive been trying for him to see the problem for the 25years. He now realizes what all I went through and after DDay went cold turkey and gives me my space when I need it. How do I trust again after so many attempts? When will I even feel sexually attracted to him again? Will I ever be able to have descent intimate sex without worrries. He is working really hard and I can see him changing into his old self with his brain rewiring ect. BUT... How do I start healing myself after only concentrating on him getting the help that he needed? I feel so uncertain and affraid. WE want to make our marriage work and I am trying my best to forgive him for falling in this trap, but now I am the one fighting with my inner self
Have you been able to engage a supportive group of women who’s struggled in a similar way? Like the free support of WeTonglen or SexandRelationshipHealing.com? Your questions are all very important and can/should be processed with safe, trusted others. I hope you find that safe space. You don’t have to do this alone.
I struggle with the same thing. How do I not be triggered anymore when I see a romantic scene on tv, see a woman in a bathing suit, etc? My husband is committed and so am I. He treated me like a platonic but nice roommate for years. I thought he had low testosterone and does have ED, and those were the reasons for his lack of desire. Didn’t know he was using porn and had plenty of desire. How do I get past the resentment of decades of being ignored despite the fact he is now the man of my dreams? I feel disoriented, guilty for not just feeling overjoyed at the changed, and confused. I’ll check out the sex and relationship site suggested. Thank you
Simply because he wanted to sleep with someone else. He’ll never admit it, but he probably loved her. These thoughts never go away. The only thing you can do for yourself in which it matters is divorce him.
These bad feelings never ever go away… sorry
You speak truth so identify
Is this projection or denial? It’s strange. So many things she claimed I was guilty of, she was as well. I drank WAY too much. But during the divorce (and after) I saw her wasted several times (with our kids), yet she threatened to tell the judge that I shouldn’t be around our children due to my drinking. She claimed to be the “primary care giver” yet I think she just wanted to have every other week of so she could see her friends and boyfriend. She even brings them to my house to complete their homework when she “can’t deal with them”. She used to get jealous if I spoke to long to another woman, but in the end she ended up having an emotional affair before/during the divorce. Is this projection?
Why would u need to forgive yourself if the severity of harm done to u was done by your parent
Forgive yourself so the shame of having been abused by your parent doesn't stay with you. Forgive yourself for feeling shame over something you had no control over
You can forgive don't forget, they will do it again. And it will be your fault.
I will never come into agreement with betrayal.....this is from darkness, not our Christ
We can reject the pain that is trying to take us down.
The enemy wants to steal, kill and destroy us any way possible.
Resentment is SO tenacious.
It moves in to the center of our soul and is SO HARD to shake.
You can harbor (VERY justifiable) resentments FOREVER.
This stuff can eat away at us from the inside & some say the stress can promote disease.
We must fight the natural inclination to develop a hardened heart after being cheated on - but it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I tried forgiving a million times but the anger is the last to go.
Allowing resentment to take root in our soul is toxic.
It will change who you are for the worse (if you let it.)
It can turn into bitterness.
Bitterness can LITERALLY wreck you.
We must reject this darkness in the name of Jesus.
I refuse to let someone else’s sin to destroy MY life.
There is great information here. I really like it. But there seems to be a clear lack of compassion for the men who are experiencing the pain of their pathologies and the pain of losing their wives, girlfriends, and entire families on top of it. I get those who refuse to face their addictive activitities and continue to abuse those closest to them. You have to take care of yourself and protect children. But if these are men that are legitimately trying to walk down a new path, why give up on them? It is too easy to just say "it is all your fault" and walk away without ever considering the role you played in the dysfunction. It all seems pretty convenient.
43:38 i like that
No
Just something to mention moving forward, at least half of the time the WOMAN IS THE CHEATER- So I would make the pronouns more interchangeable because it only further humiliates, and embarrasses the men that go through this living hell-
Bias
I don't think reaearch supports your statement of half and half. Maybe take a look at that.
Not in my view. And I have evidence. Its probably 50/50.