I hope it's ok to say that I've missed DreamSounds, especially since your subsequent videos didn't show up in my suggested videos...until this one. I am so thankful that it did. Thank you for your honesty and ability to express your experiences and feelings the best that you can. I've missed you and thankful that we are reunited. I look forward to future videos.
0:26 I'm reminded of something that came up during a music review of all things. There's this concept of creating art as therapy, and that how that art may not necessarily be good, but in making the art, you discover more about what you are trying to say and what you really want than if it were "good art." Art as therapy doesn't have to be good. In fact, it should be messy. That's what it's supposed to be for. Please don't feel bad for not releasing that video - that's fine. The footage and the process of editing it already served its purpose. Sometimes we create things so that we can process our emotions in a way that looks like how that it feels inside. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. It's incredibly encouraging.
i love this! years ago i started writing poetry about things i was dealing with, because it was really helpful in beginning to process it. it's almost like forcing myself to look at my experiences in third person so i can analyze it. i still do that to this day, and i've joked that i write poetry to deal with trauma. it's all really intimate to me though, and i've never shared any of it with anyone, even though i think purely as poetry they are pretty okay. i'm very happy to hear that the creating art out of trauma thing is common with more people than just me.
Your story resonated very deeply with me. I went through a similar situation with my CPTSD in college; when I moved away from my abuser into a safer living situation with my now-wife, my mental health nosedived terribly. It took a lot of time and work (and, coincidentally, transitioning) for my health to improve. I'm still working on improving my circumstances, but hearing from someone who has been on a similar path gives me more hope that things *will* improve. Also, HELL YEAH EMDR! I haven't been through it myself, but I studied it as a student and I find it fascinating that it's so effective despite us not having a complete grasp of how or why it works as well as it does.
Having your body/mind think “okay you’re finally in a safe and comfortable enough spot that we can just BREAK DOWN” is the most backhanded compliment your own self can deliver you 😅 Haven’t had the mental version yet, but I moved out of the US to a country and job that means I’m pretty much covered for all physical issues for free or a very negligible amount, and suddenly it’s like my body went “oh cool, let’s just fall apart” in ways that were definitely in there all along and would’ve been noticed if I could have had doctor visits back in America. Like oh thanks, me, I’m so glad you feel so at home you could do this to me 😅
this felt haunting and comforting at the same time. what really resonated with me was this choice of yours to start those sessions, knowing their potential effect. to comfort and essentially relive the past in order to get better... it sounds like a scary thing to do and I commend you for your courage to take that step. sending all the love. lovely music and visuals as always.
I love your videos so much. Your voice is beautiful and you tell a story in such a beautiful, pensive, haunting way. I’ve also had a rough journey living with and trying to heal from CPTSD for many years. Real help, support and understanding is so hard to come by and it takes so long to manage. Grief and processing is such an important part of it and it’s not a linear process. You deserve health, happiness and healing. Wishing you well on your journey.
@@DreamsoundsVideo Your voice is incredibly beautiful! Not to sound weird or anything but, I can usually tell if someone is trans by their voice, even if it's a good one and very passable. I've been blind since birth so I just pick up on details others don't. If I hadn't known you were trans, I never would have even been able to tell. And your singing is wonderful as well! Thanks for sharing both it and your struggles with us.
i had a private EMDR session today as part of an IOP program, and this video actually really helped me. i’ve been struggling to trust that once i graduate my program that i will be able to find another therapist who can help bring me the kind of clarity i’ve been getting, and being able to hear your experience not only reassures me that there are plenty of people who are able to access this kind of help, but also affirms that i’m in the right zone for recovering. it’s been hard, especially as a dissociative person, to get to inner layers of stuff, and when it comes it is as disturbing and painful as you describe but as my therapist always says, clarity is painful AND good. nothing beats the feeling of finally knowing “what’s going on with me” i don’t feel so crazy anymore. you’re so real for being able to share, thank you. i think it’ll be ok… i don’t know how or when. but i think it will. best of luck on your journey. the planetarium monologue is my favorite too it’s so incredible
Thanks for sharing your experience, I’m glad to hear that you’re finding your way. “Clarity is painful AND good” resonates so much while I still am finding my way through this process. Wishing you all the best for healing 💗
@ same to u, as someone in the work rn i know firsthand how difficult it can be. the folks i know who are in it are the strongest and bravest i have ever known, you among them. been following a few years now and i don’t plan on stopping. i know too that this intensive therapy has allowed me to reignite and connect more deeply to my passion for art and music, so i look forward to hearing more from u as u move through this!! 💪
thank you for sharing as someone who has ptsd/cptsd and other mental health disorders what you shared made me feel seen even if my trauma is different. thank you for being vulnerable feeling like we were a safe community to be vulnerable too- I know how difficult and scary that can be and feel.
You make some of the best video's I have seen on this platform, and they open my eyes to new things each time I go back to re-watch them. Thanks for making this, and thanks for coming back (:
Thank you for this video and sharing your journey. I love the new EP. I think Sick of Sick is my favorite, but I do love each song. I’m wishing for you & John to get through this time ok. Trauma feels impossible to talk about, but I appreciate so much you try. It helps me feel like I can be brave too.
Your connection with art throughout your journey is so inspiring, and the pink opaque has hit so deeply! I am newly recognizing just how much EMDR might be something I should consider, with many many hazy childhood patches of my own. Thank you so, so much for sharing your continuing healing 💖
My personal mental health issues, ptsd, ocd, crippling anxiety plague me rn, and i don't think i can finish your video rn.... But i just wanted to tell you thank you for opening up and sharing. I know it's hard. I'm so thankful for people like you. Makes things feel a tiny bit less lonely. 💙
Thank you for using your voice and sharing your experiences with us. Your voice has always been a huge comfort to me, ever since I found your videos for the first time. Thank you for visiting us again, and I hope things keep improving on your end. Best wishes.
I've actually been thinking that I might be ready for EMDR soon- this video came at such a perfect time for me, wow. Glad you're getting better, too. Thank you for sharing this.❤
It is amazing how I came here originally for your music nerdy histories and we have also now seen your journey. It never stops and I appreciate you sharing your story and wish you find peace.
Thank you for sharing such an intensely personal experience. I always look forward to your video releases, because your art brings such insight and solace to the human condition. Like others in the comments, I've also had experiences that left me with CPTSD and have been on a journey of healing as well. Your journey has been such an inspiration and it is such an honor to be witness to such a personal expression of self. Thank you so much
If you could please ignore someone skipping your songs in your metrics I would be very grateful. When I'm ready your songs are so important to me but I cannot hear such true honest feelings today I'm so sorry. Love you so very much, you have helped me get help.
wow, your videos and your channel have made such a 360, I fucking love it! from the nerdy Disney analysis to this deep, dark, cut through, wounds open, depressive and sensual honnest narrations of your life. all of your latest videos and music (what a sweet voice) are oozing melancholia.
thank you for being so open about these things. My mother also struggled with ptsd for something similar to your experience and hearing you talk about it helped me better understand her. I am not out or stealth in my classes for some of the negativity from strangers that you described even though not signing/labeling my work with my true name even when it gets very personal hurts more than anything. I hope what I do can be as authentic someday. also you just convinced me to watch I saw the tv glow:)
Wow! This essay is wonderful, it’s pure art. I love your mind and I really enjoy your intense music. (Loved recognizing you on The Voice) I’m sending you lots of love and a Konsensumarmung in case you need and want one. Thank you ❤
This video is so stunning and well put together, thank you for sharing this art 💗💗 also I saw the tv glow was truly an experience, I was hoping you’d talk about it so YIPPE YIPPE!
At the moment I can't stop crying while watching this video. You reflect so so so so much that is going on or has been going on for me. Believe me, it makes so much sense to me. I hadn't heard about emdr before but now checked the profile of the trauma therapist again who i will start seeing next year, i saw that she does that too and it might be very helpful for me. All my love goes out to you. Thank you so very much for this video. From another trans person in Germany, fighting to get trauma therapy and struggling with transition, I can only say thank you so so much. You make me feel seen in a way i have felt seen hardly ever before, and have said things here that resonate deeply with me. I hope so much that you'll keep getting better ❤ you deserve the world.
I am so sorry you’re fighting for trauma therapy as well. The way the current German healthcare system is set up (and sadly underfunded/understaffed) creates such gaps in care for people who need it. I’ll never forget crying on the phone to the crisis line when they told me there was nothing they could do, telling them I just wanted the suffering to stop. It shouldn’t be that way. You have my endless support and sympathy, wishing you all the best 💗
You sharing this is so helpful to many who would think "I must not be doing enough to get better" I did EMDR as well for a bit, and its just as intense as you describe AND it can increase flashbacks and nightmares for a bit while working through stuff. hearing you share this and your description of this really made me understand why I dont take my sessions lightly. theyre no joke, and they have to be done very slowly and start from the smaller stuff and get bigger (hopefully your therapist is doing that?) Also, make sure to do the calm place and compartmentalize stuff if you can with slower bilateral stims if possible? thats another method that helps me with this process
I say this with a lot of love and respect for your videos and what you do. The extent of my respect for your videos is huge. Your coming out video is actually what encouraged me to come out as a trans man. And I also respect that you've come out to talk about your trauma, and if it is an important part of your healing journey, then I support you in that journey. My worry for you, though, is that I hope that this isn't you feeling obligated to share with your audience why you haven't been uploading. You do not owe us a single explanation if you don't want to share. I'm hoping that this is shared only for the fact that it will help you process and to help others in their journey. But if it is uploaded out of a sense of obligation and explanation, know that you don't owe that to us. I hope that you continue on your path to healing, loving yourself, and living a happy, authentic life like your videos have helped me to do so.
Thank you so much for the kindness. Making videos and writing songs is how I make sense of my feelings and the world, so I’ll likely continue posting here as long as that continues to be the case. What I’ve learned over the years is that for me to feel fulfilled by it, I have to post at my own pace, which is why it takes me months to finish videos now. Before I would get them out much quicker to try and be a “more efficient” UA-camr but I’ve found I’m much happier with my work when I take time to process my emotions and have multiple drafts. You can’t speed run life, and since my videos have become more about my life they come together and fall apart as I do. I am grateful to have a space to share my thoughts where people want to hear them, so thank you for being a part of that
Marlene, your content has remained incredibly inspiring to me. Your content reminds me that there's always light at the end of the tunnel. It's also been wonderful to see how you've evolved your content, from Disney music, to queer issues. Marlene. Keep creating, and keep moving forward. Thank you for being inspiring.
This resonated with me as well. I also did EMDR therapy. It sounded like pseudoscience to me at first but I can't argue with the results. So glad you're healing!
listening to you discuss your trauma i feel such compassion for a fellow sufferer. i somehow developed very effective coping mechanisms, including dissociation. i also use distance running to get back into my body. i have a lot of shame and self-disgust that have been very much helped by my medical transition. i do worry that my coping mechanisms will eventually fail but i’m content to live an unexamined life. therapy has been a source of trauma for me and i refuse to try it again. i do hope this journey opens your life up to the joys of your new body and new life with your husband. ❤
I can totally relate to the language and trauma connection. I only enjoy dirty talk in my second language because hearing it in English can sometimes trigger a flashback. I had a similar experience with EMDR. I did it for a bit, but had to take a break because it got too intense and I was struggling both physically and mentally from it. I'm still going to therapy and working through my trauma, but I won't be picking up EMDR again until later in the year I think
I am 6 min in, and already teary. I will probably continue updating this comment as I go, but I, a random internet person, am glad you're doing your stuff.
ISTTVG is a great movie that I really *didn't* get at first. I understood there were trans themes, but didn't realize that the entire movie was supposed to be a trans allegory. I got caught up in the cool supernatural story elements, expecting them to be more than "just a metaphor" and actually be somehow diagetic, only to be a little pissed off at the end when they weren't. Now that I properly understand the film, it scares me a bit. I'm AMAB and have been considering transition for almost a year now, but I'm scared I'll change my mind later in life and detransition. But I'm also scared of waiting so long that I become the protagonist of ISTTVG. I bounce back and forth between "this is definitely what I want for myself" and "I'm really not sure this is what I want for myself" and it's always so confusing when my thoughts in the present moment conflict with my thoughts from just the day before. The anxiety is somewhat compounded by the fact that _inaction is an action_ in and of itself, and that whether I like it or not, I am going to need to make a real choice about my gender eventually. The good news is, I have time. I'm only in my early 20s. I have faith that with a lot of introspection, some self-improvement, and a really good therapist, I _will_ figure this out eventually. Anyways, I'm rambling now. Thanks for making this video. Your vulnerability, honesty, and artistry are inspiring to me.
Godspeed OP - like the film said, there is still time. If it helps, transition is often a bit of a leap of faith. You try shit to see if it makes you & your life better, and then at some point you commit to making leaps you can't take back, and seeing how those go too. The whole first year after questioning, I couldn't tell how long my feelings would last, but I decided to follow them for as long as they were around, and well. That was back in 2018. You'll figure it out, and I hope your first steps afterward are joyful too
@DreamsoundsVideo yeah that was awesome, really liked how you did that entrance thing with the violin and the sampler, kinda got me into sampling again haha^^
I really hated EMDR. Desensitization is nice but it also doesn't really do anything except help you ignore the damage. What I need is to get the shit fixed that my trauma broke when I was a child, but that's never gonna happen so at least some sort of behavioral therapy or a way to rewire my brain, what's desensitization gonna do except prevent flashbacks
You look like a beautiful German woman from 1930s Berlin 😍 You should embrace your Germanness, and sing in German, it suits you beautifully. A throwback German sound and aesthetic is something you need to pursue 🙏🏻
EMDR is basically a placebo, it works if you believe it'll work. Glad it worked for you, but much of the data on its efficacy is shaky at best. I've had therapists force EMDR on me without telling me that's what it was, and left me completely unhinged after the "treatment" didn't do what they wanted
Your experience is different from mine in many of the specifics, but your experience does kind of remind me of how I made my life in NYC, one of the American trans utopias (overpriced apartments and all). Does migration seem like an inherent part of transitioning? Or is that just the “hero’s journey”? EDIT: most of my own trauma is from Los Angeles, and I left not long before I transitioned.
Thank you for trying to get better even when this overloaded medical system is doing everything to stop you from it! I really hope this will continue to help you because the world is better with you in it! Thank you for sharing such a personal journey! ❤️🩹 Edit:I need to add: I'm always amazed by your art. Even (or especially?) With those serious topics and topics filled with grief and saddness, your videos are so beautiful and give sth to all of it that adds some kind of melancholy, beauty and or hope to all of it! And your art has some softness in it in this harsh world that I can't explain, but it's really impressive and important for me.
My new EP "how i'm learning to let go" is out now wherever you stream your music! Link in the description💗
Thank you for sharing your journey with us
thank you for watching and listening
I hope it's ok to say that I've missed DreamSounds, especially since your subsequent videos didn't show up in my suggested videos...until this one. I am so thankful that it did. Thank you for your honesty and ability to express your experiences and feelings the best that you can. I've missed you and thankful that we are reunited. I look forward to future videos.
I was just diagnosed with PTSD yesterday after waiting years to see a doctor, thank you for sharing your progress and a path forward
Wishing you all the best 💗 there is so much more to life than this.
I also have ptsd. Best to you both ❤
how do u find out if u have it. i think i am having a mental breakdown .
0:26 I'm reminded of something that came up during a music review of all things. There's this concept of creating art as therapy, and that how that art may not necessarily be good, but in making the art, you discover more about what you are trying to say and what you really want than if it were "good art." Art as therapy doesn't have to be good. In fact, it should be messy. That's what it's supposed to be for. Please don't feel bad for not releasing that video - that's fine. The footage and the process of editing it already served its purpose. Sometimes we create things so that we can process our emotions in a way that looks like how that it feels inside. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. It's incredibly encouraging.
i love this! years ago i started writing poetry about things i was dealing with, because it was really helpful in beginning to process it. it's almost like forcing myself to look at my experiences in third person so i can analyze it. i still do that to this day, and i've joked that i write poetry to deal with trauma. it's all really intimate to me though, and i've never shared any of it with anyone, even though i think purely as poetry they are pretty okay. i'm very happy to hear that the creating art out of trauma thing is common with more people than just me.
Your story resonated very deeply with me. I went through a similar situation with my CPTSD in college; when I moved away from my abuser into a safer living situation with my now-wife, my mental health nosedived terribly. It took a lot of time and work (and, coincidentally, transitioning) for my health to improve. I'm still working on improving my circumstances, but hearing from someone who has been on a similar path gives me more hope that things *will* improve. Also, HELL YEAH EMDR! I haven't been through it myself, but I studied it as a student and I find it fascinating that it's so effective despite us not having a complete grasp of how or why it works as well as it does.
Having your body/mind think “okay you’re finally in a safe and comfortable enough spot that we can just BREAK DOWN” is the most backhanded compliment your own self can deliver you 😅
Haven’t had the mental version yet, but I moved out of the US to a country and job that means I’m pretty much covered for all physical issues for free or a very negligible amount, and suddenly it’s like my body went “oh cool, let’s just fall apart” in ways that were definitely in there all along and would’ve been noticed if I could have had doctor visits back in America. Like oh thanks, me, I’m so glad you feel so at home you could do this to me 😅
this felt haunting and comforting at the same time. what really resonated with me was this choice of yours to start those sessions, knowing their potential effect. to comfort and essentially relive the past in order to get better... it sounds like a scary thing to do and I commend you for your courage to take that step. sending all the love. lovely music and visuals as always.
Coincidentally, I just came home after a PTSD episode and put on something to distract me. This was so beautiful and resonated deeply
I love your videos so much. Your voice is beautiful and you tell a story in such a beautiful, pensive, haunting way.
I’ve also had a rough journey living with and trying to heal from CPTSD for many years. Real help, support and understanding is so hard to come by and it takes so long to manage.
Grief and processing is such an important part of it and it’s not a linear process.
You deserve health, happiness and healing. Wishing you well on your journey.
Thank you for helping me to better understand a struggle someone I love is going through. I'm so proud of you.
Wow! What a video. Thank you for sharing something so personal and challenging.
Thank you for watching! This video was probably the most challenging one for me to make thus far.
@@DreamsoundsVideo Your voice is incredibly beautiful! Not to sound weird or anything but, I can usually tell if someone is trans by their voice, even if it's a good one and very passable. I've been blind since birth so I just pick up on details others don't. If I hadn't known you were trans, I never would have even been able to tell. And your singing is wonderful as well! Thanks for sharing both it and your struggles with us.
Your voice is so beautiful!
Your music is a genre that that I never find myself listening to, but beautiful songs are beautiful songs and I'll be streaming your album tonight
i had a private EMDR session today as part of an IOP program, and this video actually really helped me. i’ve been struggling to trust that once i graduate my program that i will be able to find another therapist who can help bring me the kind of clarity i’ve been getting, and being able to hear your experience not only reassures me that there are plenty of people who are able to access this kind of help, but also affirms that i’m in the right zone for recovering. it’s been hard, especially as a dissociative person, to get to inner layers of stuff, and when it comes it is as disturbing and painful as you describe but as my therapist always says, clarity is painful AND good. nothing beats the feeling of finally knowing “what’s going on with me” i don’t feel so crazy anymore. you’re so real for being able to share, thank you. i think it’ll be ok… i don’t know how or when. but i think it will. best of luck on your journey. the planetarium monologue is my favorite too it’s so incredible
Thanks for sharing your experience, I’m glad to hear that you’re finding your way. “Clarity is painful AND good” resonates so much while I still am finding my way through this process. Wishing you all the best for healing 💗
@ same to u, as someone in the work rn i know firsthand how difficult it can be. the folks i know who are in it are the strongest and bravest i have ever known, you among them. been following a few years now and i don’t plan on stopping. i know too that this intensive therapy has allowed me to reignite and connect more deeply to my passion for art and music, so i look forward to hearing more from u as u move through this!! 💪
thank you for sharing as someone who has ptsd/cptsd and other mental health disorders what you shared made me feel seen even if my trauma is different. thank you for being vulnerable feeling like we were a safe community to be vulnerable too- I know how difficult and scary that can be and feel.
You make some of the best video's I have seen on this platform, and they open my eyes to new things each time I go back to re-watch them.
Thanks for making this, and thanks for coming back (:
Facts! They've been so beautiful and high quality from the very beginning.
Thank you for this video and sharing your journey. I love the new EP. I think Sick of Sick is my favorite, but I do love each song. I’m wishing for you & John to get through this time ok. Trauma feels impossible to talk about, but I appreciate so much you try. It helps me feel like I can be brave too.
I appreciate how open you are with your struggling in these videos, always makes me feel less alone 🙏
Your connection with art throughout your journey is so inspiring, and the pink opaque has hit so deeply! I am newly recognizing just how much EMDR might be something I should consider, with many many hazy childhood patches of my own. Thank you so, so much for sharing your continuing healing 💖
My personal mental health issues, ptsd, ocd, crippling anxiety plague me rn, and i don't think i can finish your video rn.... But i just wanted to tell you thank you for opening up and sharing. I know it's hard. I'm so thankful for people like you. Makes things feel a tiny bit less lonely. 💙
Thank you for using your voice and sharing your experiences with us. Your voice has always been a huge comfort to me, ever since I found your videos for the first time. Thank you for visiting us again, and I hope things keep improving on your end. Best wishes.
I've actually been thinking that I might be ready for EMDR soon- this video came at such a perfect time for me, wow. Glad you're getting better, too. Thank you for sharing this.❤
Your voice is absolutely gorgeous. The music video section was so moving.
Wow! Thanks for sharing this! ❤❤❤
Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this journey. It really resonates with me. Also your voice is so beautiful!!
It is amazing how I came here originally for your music nerdy histories and we have also now seen your journey. It never stops and I appreciate you sharing your story and wish you find peace.
Thank you for sharing such an intensely personal experience. I always look forward to your video releases, because your art brings such insight and solace to the human condition. Like others in the comments, I've also had experiences that left me with CPTSD and have been on a journey of healing as well. Your journey has been such an inspiration and it is such an honor to be witness to such a personal expression of self. Thank you so much
The new year has been ROUGH, thank you for this video!
If you could please ignore someone skipping your songs in your metrics I would be very grateful. When I'm ready your songs are so important to me but I cannot hear such true honest feelings today I'm so sorry. Love you so very much, you have helped me get help.
wow, your videos and your channel have made such a 360, I fucking love it! from the nerdy Disney analysis to this deep, dark, cut through, wounds open, depressive and sensual honnest narrations of your life. all of your latest videos and music (what a sweet voice) are oozing melancholia.
I don't know if I can watch your videos. They hit too close to home. And I don't want to think about it.
Stay safe 🫂
Take care of yourself, I totally understand 💗
I feel that. A lot of the time, I start the videos, but don't finish them. 🥺
thank you for being so open about these things. My mother also struggled with ptsd for something similar to your experience and hearing you talk about it helped me better understand her. I am not out or stealth in my classes for some of the negativity from strangers that you described even though not signing/labeling my work with my true name even when it gets very personal hurts more than anything. I hope what I do can be as authentic someday. also you just convinced me to watch I saw the tv glow:)
Wow! This essay is wonderful, it’s pure art. I love your mind and I really enjoy your intense music. (Loved recognizing you on The Voice)
I’m sending you lots of love and a Konsensumarmung in case you need and want one.
Thank you ❤
This video is so stunning and well put together, thank you for sharing this art 💗💗 also I saw the tv glow was truly an experience, I was hoping you’d talk about it so YIPPE YIPPE!
You’re amazing. Always make me feel alive
At the moment I can't stop crying while watching this video. You reflect so so so so much that is going on or has been going on for me. Believe me, it makes so much sense to me. I hadn't heard about emdr before but now checked the profile of the trauma therapist again who i will start seeing next year, i saw that she does that too and it might be very helpful for me.
All my love goes out to you. Thank you so very much for this video.
From another trans person in Germany, fighting to get trauma therapy and struggling with transition, I can only say thank you so so much. You make me feel seen in a way i have felt seen hardly ever before, and have said things here that resonate deeply with me. I hope so much that you'll keep getting better ❤ you deserve the world.
I am so sorry you’re fighting for trauma therapy as well. The way the current German healthcare system is set up (and sadly underfunded/understaffed) creates such gaps in care for people who need it. I’ll never forget crying on the phone to the crisis line when they told me there was nothing they could do, telling them I just wanted the suffering to stop. It shouldn’t be that way. You have my endless support and sympathy, wishing you all the best 💗
Beautiful video, beautiful songs, beautiful person! Love the channel and I hope you're well 💟
This is truly a meaningful video everyone can relate to 🙏🙏🙏
Wow, love the song at the end. Beautiful voice.
I don't think I can watch this in one go; resonates too much!
You sharing this is so helpful to many who would think "I must not be doing enough to get better"
I did EMDR as well for a bit, and its just as intense as you describe AND it can increase flashbacks and nightmares for a bit while working through stuff.
hearing you share this and your description of this really made me understand why I dont take my sessions lightly. theyre no joke, and they have to be done very slowly and start from the smaller stuff and get bigger (hopefully your therapist is doing that?)
Also, make sure to do the calm place and compartmentalize stuff if you can with slower bilateral stims if possible? thats another method that helps me with this process
Thank you for this comment - I'm still in the process of EMDR and feeling challenged by healing, so I will definitely keep what you said in mind
I say this with a lot of love and respect for your videos and what you do. The extent of my respect for your videos is huge. Your coming out video is actually what encouraged me to come out as a trans man. And I also respect that you've come out to talk about your trauma, and if it is an important part of your healing journey, then I support you in that journey. My worry for you, though, is that I hope that this isn't you feeling obligated to share with your audience why you haven't been uploading. You do not owe us a single explanation if you don't want to share. I'm hoping that this is shared only for the fact that it will help you process and to help others in their journey. But if it is uploaded out of a sense of obligation and explanation, know that you don't owe that to us. I hope that you continue on your path to healing, loving yourself, and living a happy, authentic life like your videos have helped me to do so.
Thank you so much for the kindness. Making videos and writing songs is how I make sense of my feelings and the world, so I’ll likely continue posting here as long as that continues to be the case. What I’ve learned over the years is that for me to feel fulfilled by it, I have to post at my own pace, which is why it takes me months to finish videos now. Before I would get them out much quicker to try and be a “more efficient” UA-camr but I’ve found I’m much happier with my work when I take time to process my emotions and have multiple drafts. You can’t speed run life, and since my videos have become more about my life they come together and fall apart as I do.
I am grateful to have a space to share my thoughts where people want to hear them, so thank you for being a part of that
Marlene, your content has remained incredibly inspiring to me. Your content reminds me that there's always light at the end of the tunnel. It's also been wonderful to see how you've evolved your content, from Disney music, to queer issues. Marlene. Keep creating, and keep moving forward. Thank you for being inspiring.
This resonated with me as well. I also did EMDR therapy. It sounded like pseudoscience to me at first but I can't argue with the results. So glad you're healing!
I'm doing A.R.T therapy for much the same reasons. Jury's still out for me on if its effective. Good luck and hope things improve
Hold on to life, wishing you all the best!
listening to you discuss your trauma i feel such compassion for a fellow sufferer. i somehow developed very effective coping mechanisms, including dissociation. i also use distance running to get back into my body. i have a lot of shame and self-disgust that have been very much helped by my medical transition.
i do worry that my coping mechanisms will eventually fail but i’m content to live an unexamined life. therapy has been a source of trauma for me and i refuse to try it again.
i do hope this journey opens your life up to the joys of your new body and new life with your husband. ❤
I’m just glad you’re still with us
This video hurt something inside me. I don't even have words for it really. I hope EMDR continues to help you.
I can totally relate to the language and trauma connection. I only enjoy dirty talk in my second language because hearing it in English can sometimes trigger a flashback.
I had a similar experience with EMDR. I did it for a bit, but had to take a break because it got too intense and I was struggling both physically and mentally from it. I'm still going to therapy and working through my trauma, but I won't be picking up EMDR again until later in the year I think
💚💚💚
I am 6 min in, and already teary. I will probably continue updating this comment as I go, but I, a random internet person, am glad you're doing your stuff.
“Sick of sick” is so poignant
im crying
Thank you 🙏
Thank you for watching! Did I by chance see you in Łukasz Majcher's power bear doku? If so, I enjoyed it
14:23 been recommended EMDR for my (C)PTSD; this gives me hope
Thanks for sharing your story.
ISTTVG is a great movie that I really *didn't* get at first. I understood there were trans themes, but didn't realize that the entire movie was supposed to be a trans allegory. I got caught up in the cool supernatural story elements, expecting them to be more than "just a metaphor" and actually be somehow diagetic, only to be a little pissed off at the end when they weren't.
Now that I properly understand the film, it scares me a bit. I'm AMAB and have been considering transition for almost a year now, but I'm scared I'll change my mind later in life and detransition. But I'm also scared of waiting so long that I become the protagonist of ISTTVG. I bounce back and forth between "this is definitely what I want for myself" and "I'm really not sure this is what I want for myself" and it's always so confusing when my thoughts in the present moment conflict with my thoughts from just the day before. The anxiety is somewhat compounded by the fact that _inaction is an action_ in and of itself, and that whether I like it or not, I am going to need to make a real choice about my gender eventually.
The good news is, I have time. I'm only in my early 20s. I have faith that with a lot of introspection, some self-improvement, and a really good therapist, I _will_ figure this out eventually.
Anyways, I'm rambling now. Thanks for making this video. Your vulnerability, honesty, and artistry are inspiring to me.
Godspeed OP - like the film said, there is still time. If it helps, transition is often a bit of a leap of faith. You try shit to see if it makes you & your life better, and then at some point you commit to making leaps you can't take back, and seeing how those go too. The whole first year after questioning, I couldn't tell how long my feelings would last, but I decided to follow them for as long as they were around, and well. That was back in 2018. You'll figure it out, and I hope your first steps afterward are joyful too
@@carterlin1719 Thank you for the kind words and advice. I hope you have a lovely evening :3
I hope things get better soon!
Wishing all the best!
Beutiful video as always!
thank you for sharing
this was posted on my birthday :)
I saw you at that mini concert you did in Bremen, Germany, wild that I found you again lmao
Oh wow, small world! That was the day I finished writing “sick of sick” (in this video), I remember playing it at that concert
@DreamsoundsVideo yeah that was awesome, really liked how you did that entrance thing with the violin and the sampler, kinda got me into sampling again haha^^
I really hated EMDR. Desensitization is nice but it also doesn't really do anything except help you ignore the damage. What I need is to get the shit fixed that my trauma broke when I was a child, but that's never gonna happen so at least some sort of behavioral therapy or a way to rewire my brain, what's desensitization gonna do except prevent flashbacks
Aaaaaaaandd 27 minutes later I’m in tears 😣😢🫥
Cool story bro
You look like a beautiful German woman from 1930s Berlin 😍 You should embrace your Germanness, and sing in German, it suits you beautifully. A throwback German sound and aesthetic is something you need to pursue 🙏🏻
❤
EMDR is basically a placebo, it works if you believe it'll work. Glad it worked for you, but much of the data on its efficacy is shaky at best. I've had therapists force EMDR on me without telling me that's what it was, and left me completely unhinged after the "treatment" didn't do what they wanted
Was the choice of that particular picture of Kuda Bux an intention nod to the self titled Giles Corey album?
Absolutely, I grew up in Connecticut and loved the Giles Corey album in high school
My psychiatrist recommended emdr, I’m still thinking about it
Edit: after watching your video fully, I think maybe I’m ready to try it ❤
awwww portsmouth! i grew up there :)
this video was beautiful
Your experience is different from mine in many of the specifics, but your experience does kind of remind me of how I made my life in NYC, one of the American trans utopias (overpriced apartments and all).
Does migration seem like an inherent part of transitioning? Or is that just the “hero’s journey”?
EDIT: most of my own trauma is from Los Angeles, and I left not long before I transitioned.
What a beautiful video and a beautiful voice. Thank you so much for this, it means a lot as a young and lost trans person🫶
Thank you for trying to get better even when this overloaded medical system is doing everything to stop you from it! I really hope this will continue to help you because the world is better with you in it!
Thank you for sharing such a personal journey! ❤️🩹
Edit:I need to add: I'm always amazed by your art. Even (or especially?) With those serious topics and topics filled with grief and saddness, your videos are so beautiful and give sth to all of it that adds some kind of melancholy, beauty and or hope to all of it! And your art has some softness in it in this harsh world that I can't explain, but it's really impressive and important for me.
I needed to see this today, I am feeling so disheartened with myself this first week.
New year, same agonizing I was doing last year. 🫣