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I tested at 40% dismissive and 40%fearful avoidant. The narrative we create in our own head can be so strong that it overrides the reconciliation we actually do want and possibly even achieve w/ said partner. We may create a narrative so rooted in our own head that we falsely “KNOW FOR CERTAIN” that a reconciliation is a prolonged heartbreak. Believe it or not, we don’t actively look to hurt our partner, nor ourselves. We just need to believe we can have a healthy relationship and sometimes even that scares us, because many of us are prone to believing the worst about ourselves and by extension others including our partners
I tried for 4 years to uplift him, empower him, but he just kept pulling me in and pushing me away. Now that we’re not talking, I have no idea what to do. 🤷🏼♀️
This is why I (as an axious-leaning secure person) told my FA that it was inappropriate for her to message me until she's actually leaving her abuser, but also that she has to start therapy like she said 5 times she would. If she's not doing the REAL work which requires vulnerability with a skilled mental health worker, then she's just going to find OTHER reasons to pull the same crap. I've pointed her to this kind of content and all kinds of great tools, and it's like she needs to cut down the trauma tree in her yard and she's using a spork, while I've dropped off 2 chainsaws, 5 axes, 8 hatchets, a couple hand saws, and an electric meat carver. And she sits there saying "my way works for me," which is really code for "this way, I can SAY I'm doing the work, without actually facing the stuff underneath the bark, and I can keep the tree there."
@jtiltin No Contact is the way to go. On some level they know they're screwed up and that they need to heal. They need to feel consequences for their actions in order to become fully aware of their actions. And you need to heal. As someone going into year 2 of no contact (she still updates her WhatsApp photo that she knows only I see, btw), I know it's hard, but it's so worth it. You just...get tired of how pathetic their paralysis is.
Thank you for sharing such a thoughtful perspective. It highlights how deeply internal narratives can shape avoidant behaviors and the struggle to believe in the possibility of healthy relationships. It's a tough cycle, but awareness like this is a powerful first step toward breaking it and creating more balanced connections.💜
I’m a FA trying to get to secure. And when I’m at my DAs house when he comes home from work I’m sitting there with my arms open waiting for my hug. And if I’m busy he comes up and gives me a hug and a kiss.
That’s a great example of creating small, meaningful moments of connection. It shows how consistent gestures can help build security and closeness, even in relationships with different attachment styles. Keep nurturing those moments-they make a big difference! 💛
MASTERFUL ! I am speechless in this episode how the Fearful Avoidant (ME) is described lol. I am all of this and the crazy part my ex is Dismissive Avoidant. Sadly I am learning all after the breakup, but am grateful to be learning it nonetheless. Not only am I learning about all about him and our failed relationship, I am learning so much about me and how I can heal. This episode has me downloading it, bringing out my notebook and listening a few more times. Trust is still my biggest hurdle, but this episode is making me see so much toward breaking that down! I was definitely the partner who felt he didn’t care because I didn’t get a hug or kiss when walking in the door lol. Thank you so much!
What Thais said about pushing away because they didn't communicate things but felt overwhelmed, I definitely felt that with a dance crush, she didn't give me a chance or communicate things just 3dates into it she said she wanted to be friends and when we chatted and she briefly communicated the things that was bothering her, in my mind I was like wow those could been addressed at the moment if she just told me that it bothered her. But I respect her wanting to be friends....It feels even more awkward now for me I tried to be a friend but she still seems to be avoiding me or anything to do with me and we see each other quite often since we in the same dance school. How could I show up show that I showing her I genuinely want to be friends ? Thank you Thais love you❤
My biggest dealbreaker is feeling like the other person isn’t loyal/trustworthy. And when that happens. I will feel deep pain- that will knock me over. That person becomes unsafe. And I will walk away & not look back. I can not have unsafe people in my space. I would rather be alone than to deal with that.
There’s no way to gain back that trust and feeling of safeness? My ex-fiancé and I have a daughter and I’m pregnant and he’s completely told me to move on but I know he’s very hurt and angry.
@@kristen6915that sounds like a very different situation. A massive & deep apology on your end would help. Maybe even going into therapy to show that you are trying to change.
@Thais hit the nail on the head when she expressed how a FA feels when we need to flee a situation. My anxiety, temp, and mind builds up and I have to leave right that moment! And no we don’t want to rush into another relationship right away.
It's a big step to recognize your attachment style and how it plays a role in your relationships. Breakups can be tough, especially when attachment dynamics are involved. Be kind to yourself as you process everything. You're not alone in this journey. 💙
My ex FA just broke up with me (amicable after 5 years together), and offered right away to remain friends. I declined the "generous" offer . We agreed to be on no contact for now on after the break up. After viewing this video, I'm wondering whether it is even worth the time and effort to try to reconnect with a FA 😮😮. Do FA(more anxious) actually consider a new relationship with their ex?
I’m an FA but I’ve been doing the work for a while to become secure. I love your channel it taught me so much about my attachment style. I just ‘broke up’ with a DA I’ve been friends with for 10 years and I’ve known since childhood. We broke up because I would share my needs and he would say he ‘understands’ but nothing changed. So then it would create an argument later down the line. After I realized nothing was going to change, I ended it. He could not be bothered to read my messages on the matter. So now I feel like he didn’t ever care. And I feel that it’s on him, no internalization. How do you know if you’re experiencing FA tendencies or just the reality that maybe that person did not care?
My experience being an FA and breaking up multiple times with a DA I used to think he didn’t care. But I truly believe they try it’s just we’re speaking different languages. The gentle advise I give to you is work on yourself and heal to be secure and you start to figure out how to voice your boundaries early in the next relationship. Check what he said around 33 mins or so
I need help please.. my ex is FA or a mix with DA I think, since independence is a high value for her She broke up with me 4 weeks ago. Last week she liked one of my posts, we are not following each other. I don’t know how to react, because I set myself boundaries that I’m only reacting if she’s taking the initiative to reach out in a meaningful way. But I feel a bit pressured because I know that FA struggle with that and that there maybe is just a time slot where she’s open to reconnect. So I don’t know if I should hold on to my boundaries or if I should reach out..
Isn’t no contact what they call the silent treatment and isn’t it known as a harmful tactic of abuse? Especially if people are doing it strategically to get some type of response or behavior from another?
No contact and silent treatment can seem similar but have different intentions. No contact is often used for personal healing and establishing boundaries, while silent treatment is typically a manipulative tactic meant to control or punish. The key difference is the intention behind it. 💜
And also the fact that the person initiating non contact communicates to the ex-partner that they are going non contact and for their own wellbeing and healing. At least the person has been made aware, it's been communicated in a kind and skillful way. The silent treatment however aways feels to me like something that doesn't come with an explanation or a warning, it keeps the person on the receiving end in limbo, waiting and wondering..which can feel like a bomb out of nowhere and leave the other person feeling tortured. If repeated in cycles it can feel like intermittent reinforcement.
Omg 😂😅😢it’s so true I would feel so hurt because my DA partner would not give me a hug and kiss and say good morning when we wake up and I definitely felt he doesn’t care about me and thought that I can’t be with someone like that. And I would feel even more hurt because I didn’t think communication would help because I would feel I’m pressuring the DA to do something that he was not comfortable do and that would push him away so I would harbor resentments for that and it builds up with other things where I felt my needs only pressures the DA and I end up repressing those needs and harboring resentment and blow up after a little while. So hard to navigate this
I have been with a FA for 14 years (9 living together and 5 married). She bailed out on me 9 months ago taking our infant son and moving to her parents 600miles away. Nothing that I have tried to get us back together has worked and listening to this podcast has me believing that she has already closed the chapter on us. That said, she has not moved to divorce me, and I have maintained my position that I am standing for our marriage, but the timeframes given here lead me to believe that the marriage may be toast regardless. I just don't get why she hasn't actually finished this off? We have only entered a relative "no contact" phase recently, going on for about the last 4 weeks but were speaking before that. I am not even sure why I am still standing for the marriage anymore, maybe it's for the sake of my son. Quite frankly, I am at the point where I feel that relationships with avoidants of any kind are just not worth the investment or the risk.
I have tested secure but lean anxious and found being with my FA ex, brought out my anxious attachment because of the confusion of the hot and cold behavior. I loved this episode because it gave me insight as to what could have been going on in his mind but how do you ask someone what their needs are if they might not even know what they are themselves? After asking several times (for both romantic and friendship needs - since he said he wanted to remain friends) I was always left with “I’ll put some thought into that..” but have yet to be told. Is it possible that an FA actually doesn’t know what they need or are they so scared to admit them, even to themselves? Note: He left our relationship saying he needed space to think and was in another relationship within a month and is still in it 5 months later. He continues to want me as his friend even without specifying what that means and what those needs are - even if I’ve shared my own. My fear is that if he truly doesn’t know what his needs are, what does that mean for our friendship or a potential future reconciliation romantically?
If there pendulum was left in silence with no response for three weeks despite no arguments, only great times together, would one offer via text or call to get together to let them know you have been thinking about them and would like to out and pick things up and only Chat about needs in person? We have a date scheduled before the last pendulum swing…… or wait to see if the FA shows up? Ie give them the chance to return on their own accord? I’m previously FA so I accept and love her without conditions. Thanks for this great video. Cheers
You are right, however, from my experience as a fearful avoidant, if you make it to a place in the relationship where there is complete trust, it can become the best relationship you've ever had. Fearful avoidants long to feel safe and secure.
It’s true that everyone deserves to be in a relationship where their well-being is respected, and while supporting a partner is part of a healthy relationship, it’s not anyone’s responsibility to "fix" someone else. Prioritizing your own emotional health is essential. 💙
@@stacyrodriguez3683 "Fearful avoidants long to feel safe and secure." LOLZ... you give an FA safety and security and they'll run away screaming shiiiite about their "independence". You can't win with these people. They're potty
I think the warming up period can take WAY longer than 8 weeks. Disagree that FAs will want to start talking about the issues in the relationship so soon, at least from the dumper's perspective. They usually dip their toe in to test the waters with the initial contact, but it can take quite a while before they feel safe to even talk about the relationship/breakup. And this is even when the dumpee is aware of the "Goldilocks" thing you mentioned.
The FA man I was with always give me an act of service love language, is it because he's leaning dismissive?? But he definitely likes to be given the words of affirmation and love quality time.. and for me, I'm an fa lean anxious but he always give me act of service,, I didnt realize it then I only just realize it when he pulled away because he thinks I dont apprciate him often.. I guess in a way he did act of service in order to get words of affirmation from me.. maybe.. I dont know, because like any other FA he doesnt communicate this, I only figure this out myself..
So waiting multiple weeks before bringing up what would be needed from the partner of the FA to not push the pendulum? 8 weeks after reconnecting? Or upon reconnecting?
Can a fearful avoidant person come back, especially if after 1 month after the breakup they said "I was not so much in love" despite evidence to the contrary? Their past experiences lead them to misinterpret our healthy communication by comparing it to their previous toxic relationships. With little experience in healthy love-mostly short flings with toxic partners-they struggle to recognize what real love feels like. The "felt love" only once during a long-distance relationship (their first one) with a person recovering from a toxic relationship while they were talking everyday for their ex and how he traumatized her (co-dependency?). They are self-aware and want to heal but struggle to find the right tools (and the right questions) and are governed by their fear after 3 months in the relationship. They broke up after 7 months to address anxiety, despite they see our compatibility and how we "mirror" each other. They do well at a distance. I don't invest myself in anymore, just wondering: Is there hope for them to return? Will they realize what goes on with them (soon) ?
@The_Whimsical_Avoidant I get it, thanks for the feedback! According to Thais' quiz, I'm securely attached with 30% FA tendencies, which might explain my understanding of them. After 3+ months in and while they initiated to become official couple, their behavior turned hot and cold: They expressed missing me, had moments of jealousy and avoidance, anxious about how serious we were, and feeling overwhelmed, but struggled to articulate why. Still they remained very affectionate and caring. Their hyper-vigilance often fixates on my flaws, and they get uneasy when deeper issues aren't present, but never expressed any "red flag" - and we openly talk about everything. When I said "they convinced themselves" it’s because: Even when they broke up with me, they hesitated and questioned "it might be me" or "it might be bad period". The "checkup" date came after 4 weeks when I sensed their still avoidant phase. Regarding communication: we both recognize our deep connection and super compatibility. They even say we are mirrors! They always appreciate my compassion and admire my patience. But still seem questioning our 'style of communication'. I realized theirs stems from a trauma bond from their first relationship, which was unhealthy and co-dependent (abused ex talked daily about her ex!). They seem to miss that intensity, also coming from a dysfunctional family with unresolved traumas. It’s a shame because they have so many great qualities. And we both admit we didn't met at the right moment in our paths.
@The_Whimsical_Avoidant Definitely! And he's self-aware about it. Just wondering if there's any come-back to expect. (Even though, I will be super hesitant and I'm already feeling off the relationship)
@The_Whimsical_Avoidant No prob :) Absolutely. My primary concern is being in a healthy relationship. I was willing to support them on their journey, but it seems my efforts fell short. I'm uncertain if they have the necessary resources to truly address the underlying issues, which leaves me feeling less hopeful tbh
I’ve been coming so much more secure and changed very much since my journey started 4 years ago. I didn’t notice before I fell in love this year and actually was open and vulnerable and direct. I noticed he started to distance him self and asked openly if everything was okay and that I felt rejected but that I would respect if he doesn’t want a relationship or if he needs space. He said sorry, that everything is okay and to never feel scared that he’ll ghost. Then he ghosted the next day. So I’m disappointed that even when sharing my needs this happens. I’ve never been happy right after a break up like other FA’s, I’m rather devastated and can’t get out of bed for a few weeks. Then I’m ice cold, like now, if my recent ex had reached out a few weeks ago I would have been open to it, but now the window is closed and I wish him well but he’s just dead to me forever.
My FA ex self sabotaged the relationship 4 months ago. He ended it via text after an 18 month relationship, saying: “Unfortunately, I don’t think I’m in a place where I can provide you what you need and deserve. I love you completely and want only you. I’m not looking for anything else. I just am not in a great place right now. I’m sorry.” I tried contacting him for a couple weeks after the breakup, but he never responded. I let him know if he ever got to a place where he can have an honest and vulnerable conversation to reach out to me. Should I give up any hope?
@ I tried to communicate this initially. He never responded to anything I sent- texts and emails. I’ve been in no contact for almost 4 months, but have left the door open for him if he ever wants to have an honest conversation about what happened. In the meantime, I’ve been working on myself, but do hope one day soon he will reach out to have a conversation about everything. Part of me wonders if it was just a line to let me down easy, but he always told me he never felt this way about anyone and no one has ever made him feel so loved. It sucks.
It's understandable to feel conflicted. His message shows care, but his actions suggest he's not ready. Focus on your healing and what you deserve. If he reaches out, you can reassess then. 💙
Dude……. Im being stonewalled currently because of how I over spilled my anxiety & she blocked me… she unblocked me but I didn’t add her back asap so she reblocked… and then I saw her out & she was not open for reconnecting right then… then she told a mutual acquaintance that she cares about me & she just needs space…. So I’m giving her space…. Idk for how long though….should I wait 30 days or like 2 weeks???
@@jamie-r2034heard that:…some other guy said the window to reconnect is shorter than people think & a lady on here said avoidants want you to be around and exist independently without engaging so they know you can exist on your own lol
If someone who you're in an.intimate relationship with, a place where one is supposed to feel safe, is behaving like this (regardless of their intentions and trauma responses) why would you wait? Personally I think it tells you all you need to know. Put your energy and care into making yourself as whole as you can and wait for someone who is ready to give you what you deserve ❤️
Right, my avoidant ex is sharing things that are the opposite opinions or thoughts when we was together? Anyone know what’s happening here I’m assuming she’s ’changing’ who she is to who she’s with she’s with someone else and it’s just making me question the person I love is she real? Like anyone got any thoughts I’ll be honoured to hear
@bulldogsnewleaf-m7gso why would you change your opinions on big issues? Like complete opposite stans, I agree with what you’re saying but didn’t answer my statement they do change themselves to a point and value independence I’m aware of that
It’s common for avoidants to adapt their behavior depending on who they’re with. Your ex may be changing to fit her new relationship, which can make you question her authenticity. It’s important to focus on your own growth and trust your feelings, especially when faced with these dynamics.
@ I am focusing on me, it’s not attractive to see her seeing and saying things that are the polar opposite to what she said to me makes me think, what’s really her? Like who is she is the girl I love her or not, I don’t think it’s fair to adapt on their partner like some things I can but your opinion on kids or being happy in your sexuality like they’re things that should be set answers, I’ve been working on me and understanding her and me and our attachment styles but this threw me off guard if you ever did a video on this I would be so grateful ☺️ but thanks for all
I tried reaching out to my FA after three months. She was open to a conversation, but I could tell she had significant emotional walls and had just avoided processing the breakup. After three weeks of this dynamic, I decided to step up and set a boundary, stating that I couldn’t pretend to be platonic while still having romantic feelings. Since then, I’ve been in strict no contact. It’s been two months since I set the boundary and six months since the breakup. Recently, she started deleting me from social media-about one account per week over the past three weeks-and I find it... odd. I think she’s starting to feel the breakup, and I wish I could reconnect, but it’s not up to me now. :(
You’re in strict no contact, you told her you can’t be friends but it’s “odd” she’s cutting you out of her life on social media? It’s “up to her” to reconnect but YOU initiated a no contact protocol?
@@drevolan I think MJ has a point. It seems your FA is more scared than she is willing. You set a boundary and she couldn’t conform to it, so to avoid getting hurt, she is trying to move on or is going through an angry and painful phase. In any way, she wants to move on. You did things right. It doesn’t seem like your FA can do things in a timeframe that you could be happy with.
@@Legorreta.M.D Yeah... that's what I fear and with what I've been grappling with lately. It's been 6 months into the breakup and im transitioning from being incredibly anxious / stalkerish vibes to a more depressed / melancholic hopeless phase. Because I feel she is just starting to feel the breakup and by the time she has actually processed what it meant I will have most likely outgrown her ... which is very bittersweet
@@drevolan It is very difficult to say. The timelines you outline work more for the dismissive avoidant. The FA takes way less time, but also the time frame is important. An FA will first feel liberated and then anxiously miss you. Then the hurt will trigger the avoidant side hard. So by what you say, I think it may be late. An FA usually takes 40 to 60 days to activate their anxious side, and they may try to contact you. If you don't seem to care in a right balance (not too little that it hurts them and they regret the contact and shut down and not too strongly that it overwhelms them and they become avoidant). It is a hard balance. It is more sticking to the recommended days and ways than looking for signs, because your FA might have been too scared to contact you. In my opinion, too much time passed, your FA is trying to move on, has understood that nothing will happen and is trying to remove you from sight, so you are out of mind. Removing your pictures from social media means that person doesn't get reminded of you, and if a new date sees the social media, there will be less questions asked on the past and they seem easier to date. In my opinion, it is too late. What you can do if you want to test the waters is send a nice message near Christmas. Something like "Hi, I saw (X thing she likes) and it reminded me of you. I hope you have a great Christmas near your loved ones. I wish you the best for this new year :)" It seems genuinely caring, it doesn't make it clear that you want them back, it is normal to contact people you don't often contact for Christmas, and it is thoughtful. That way, it's only positive feelings that can be associated to it.Then some other day, like the 27th, reply with a picture of how you celebrated Christmas and say it was a lot of fun. It will seem like you are thinking of that person, but your life doesn't revolve around them and it shouldn't trigger fears. Then keep things casual and fun for 8 weeks. That person won't be in the head space to continue together before that. Don't mention relationships until it seems to that person like it could arise organically. (And I agree, it is ridiculous that we need to be so careful and aware of a million tiny details. I am one week into my no contact and it already feels unbearable... does it get easier?)
FA here.Communicated verbally and at some point even in written to my as I understand now,DA ex husband. He promised,never followed through. Eve when I was leaving,he was verbally insulting me and trying to diminish my worth. The point is: learn the difference between lack of communication and simple ignorance. Especially from DAs
Dude.... this guy is so ANXTIOUS, that he keeps ASKING Thais if what he is saying is "okay" ... Horrible to watch .. like he is instructed in what to say.. for Thais benefit.. geez
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I tested at 40% dismissive and 40%fearful avoidant. The narrative we create in our own head can be so strong that it overrides the reconciliation we actually do want and possibly even achieve w/ said partner. We may create a narrative so rooted in our own head that we falsely “KNOW FOR CERTAIN” that a reconciliation is a prolonged heartbreak. Believe it or not, we don’t actively look to hurt our partner, nor ourselves. We just need to believe we can have a healthy relationship and sometimes even that scares us, because many of us are prone to believing the worst about ourselves and by extension others including our partners
I tried for 4 years to uplift him, empower him, but he just kept pulling me in and pushing me away. Now that we’re not talking, I have no idea what to do. 🤷🏼♀️
This is why I (as an axious-leaning secure person) told my FA that it was inappropriate for her to message me until she's actually leaving her abuser, but also that she has to start therapy like she said 5 times she would. If she's not doing the REAL work which requires vulnerability with a skilled mental health worker, then she's just going to find OTHER reasons to pull the same crap. I've pointed her to this kind of content and all kinds of great tools, and it's like she needs to cut down the trauma tree in her yard and she's using a spork, while I've dropped off 2 chainsaws, 5 axes, 8 hatchets, a couple hand saws, and an electric meat carver. And she sits there saying "my way works for me," which is really code for "this way, I can SAY I'm doing the work, without actually facing the stuff underneath the bark, and I can keep the tree there."
@jtiltin No Contact is the way to go. On some level they know they're screwed up and that they need to heal. They need to feel consequences for their actions in order to become fully aware of their actions. And you need to heal. As someone going into year 2 of no contact (she still updates her WhatsApp photo that she knows only I see, btw), I know it's hard, but it's so worth it. You just...get tired of how pathetic their paralysis is.
Thank you for sharing such a thoughtful perspective. It highlights how deeply internal narratives can shape avoidant behaviors and the struggle to believe in the possibility of healthy relationships. It's a tough cycle, but awareness like this is a powerful first step toward breaking it and creating more balanced connections.💜
@@vorbis4860My ex FA was saying the same phrase - "I do the work in my own way because that's how I survived"
I’m a FA trying to get to secure. And when I’m at my DAs house when he comes home from work I’m sitting there with my arms open waiting for my hug. And if I’m busy he comes up and gives me a hug and a kiss.
That’s a great example of creating small, meaningful moments of connection. It shows how consistent gestures can help build security and closeness, even in relationships with different attachment styles. Keep nurturing those moments-they make a big difference! 💛
MASTERFUL ! I am speechless in this episode how the Fearful Avoidant (ME) is described lol. I am all of this and the crazy part my ex is Dismissive Avoidant. Sadly I am learning all after the breakup, but am grateful to be learning it nonetheless. Not only am I learning about all about him and our failed relationship, I am learning so much about me and how I can heal. This episode has me downloading it, bringing out my notebook and listening a few more times. Trust is still my biggest hurdle, but this episode is making me see so much toward breaking that down! I was definitely the partner who felt he didn’t care because I didn’t get a hug or kiss when walking in the door lol. Thank you so much!
What Thais said about pushing away because they didn't communicate things but felt overwhelmed, I definitely felt that with a dance crush, she didn't give me a chance or communicate things just 3dates into it she said she wanted to be friends and when we chatted and she briefly communicated the things that was bothering her, in my mind I was like wow those could been addressed at the moment if she just told me that it bothered her. But I respect her wanting to be friends....It feels even more awkward now for me I tried to be a friend but she still seems to be avoiding me or anything to do with me and we see each other quite often since we in the same dance school. How could I show up show that I showing her I genuinely want to be friends ?
Thank you Thais love you❤
"I'm going to go to another state" MOOD GIRL.
Preach! Say no to people pleasing and codependent toxic relationships
My biggest dealbreaker is feeling like the other person isn’t loyal/trustworthy. And when that happens. I will feel deep pain- that will knock me over. That person becomes unsafe. And I will walk away & not look back. I can not have unsafe people in my space. I would rather be alone than to deal with that.
There’s no way to gain back that trust and feeling of safeness? My ex-fiancé and I have a daughter and I’m pregnant and he’s completely told me to move on but I know he’s very hurt and angry.
@@kristen6915that sounds like a very different situation. A massive & deep apology on your end would help. Maybe even going into therapy to show that you are trying to change.
@ I started therapy twice a week. I am trying to really make positive changes either myself.
@Thais hit the nail on the head when she expressed how a FA feels when we need to flee a situation. My anxiety, temp, and mind builds up and I have to leave right that moment! And no we don’t want to rush into another relationship right away.
I just just used to hug my ex partner and he just got used to doing it because I did it consistently
I'm an FA. You totally pegged me..and I didn't even know all this until a few days ago. I'm currently broke up with my DA.
It sucks… there’s a lot to help fix it on here though
It's a big step to recognize your attachment style and how it plays a role in your relationships. Breakups can be tough, especially when attachment dynamics are involved. Be kind to yourself as you process everything. You're not alone in this journey. 💙
Thank you PDS. It's much like getting a diagnosis..now let's get help.
My ex FA just broke up with me (amicable after 5 years together), and offered right away to remain friends. I declined the "generous" offer .
We agreed to be on no contact for now on after the break up.
After viewing this video, I'm wondering whether it is even worth the time and effort to try to reconnect with a FA 😮😮.
Do FA(more anxious) actually consider a new relationship with their ex?
I’m an FA but I’ve been doing the work for a while to become secure. I love your channel it taught me so much about my attachment style. I just ‘broke up’ with a DA I’ve been friends with for 10 years and I’ve known since childhood. We broke up because I would share my needs and he would say he ‘understands’ but nothing changed. So then it would create an argument later down the line. After I realized nothing was going to change, I ended it. He could not be bothered to read my messages on the matter. So now I feel like he didn’t ever care. And I feel that it’s on him, no internalization. How do you know if you’re experiencing FA tendencies or just the reality that maybe that person did not care?
My experience being an FA and breaking up multiple times with a DA I used to think he didn’t care. But I truly believe they try it’s just we’re speaking different languages. The gentle advise I give to you is work on yourself and heal to be secure and you start to figure out how to voice your boundaries early in the next relationship. Check what he said around 33 mins or so
I need help please.. my ex is FA or a mix with DA I think, since independence is a high value for her She broke up with me 4 weeks ago. Last week she liked one of my posts, we are not following each other. I don’t know how to react, because I set myself boundaries that I’m only reacting if she’s taking the initiative to reach out in a meaningful way. But I feel a bit pressured because I know that FA struggle with that and that there maybe is just a time slot where she’s open to reconnect. So I don’t know if I should hold on to my boundaries or if I should reach out..
Omg this coming back after a breakup and acting like we’re back together without ever discussing it is me every relationship lol. Extremely accurate
Isn’t no contact what they call the silent treatment and isn’t it known as a harmful tactic of abuse? Especially if people are doing it strategically to get some type of response or behavior from another?
No contact and silent treatment can seem similar but have different intentions. No contact is often used for personal healing and establishing boundaries, while silent treatment is typically a manipulative tactic meant to control or punish. The key difference is the intention behind it. 💜
And also the fact that the person initiating non contact communicates to the ex-partner that they are going non contact and for their own wellbeing and healing. At least the person has been made aware, it's been communicated in a kind and skillful way.
The silent treatment however aways feels to me like something that doesn't come with an explanation or a warning, it keeps the person on the receiving end in limbo, waiting and wondering..which can feel like a bomb out of nowhere and leave the other person feeling tortured. If repeated in cycles it can feel like intermittent reinforcement.
Omg 😂😅😢it’s so true I would feel so hurt because my DA partner would not give me a hug and kiss and say good morning when we wake up and I definitely felt he doesn’t care about me and thought that I can’t be with someone like that. And I would feel even more hurt because I didn’t think communication would help because I would feel I’m pressuring the DA to do something that he was not comfortable do and that would push him away so I would harbor resentments for that and it builds up with other things where I felt my needs only pressures the DA and I end up repressing those needs and harboring resentment and blow up after a little while. So hard to navigate this
I have been with a FA for 14 years (9 living together and 5 married). She bailed out on me 9 months ago taking our infant son and moving to her parents 600miles away. Nothing that I have tried to get us back together has worked and listening to this podcast has me believing that she has already closed the chapter on us. That said, she has not moved to divorce me, and I have maintained my position that I am standing for our marriage, but the timeframes given here lead me to believe that the marriage may be toast regardless. I just don't get why she hasn't actually finished this off?
We have only entered a relative "no contact" phase recently, going on for about the last 4 weeks but were speaking before that. I am not even sure why I am still standing for the marriage anymore, maybe it's for the sake of my son.
Quite frankly, I am at the point where I feel that relationships with avoidants of any kind are just not worth the investment or the risk.
Right. These people are mentally sick. Their thinking and judgements is not right.
I have tested secure but lean anxious and found being with my FA ex, brought out my anxious attachment because of the confusion of the hot and cold behavior. I loved this episode because it gave me insight as to what could have been going on in his mind but how do you ask someone what their needs are if they might not even know what they are themselves? After asking several times (for both romantic and friendship needs - since he said he wanted to remain friends) I was always left with “I’ll put some thought into that..” but have yet to be told. Is it possible that an FA actually doesn’t know what they need or are they so scared to admit them, even to themselves? Note: He left our relationship saying he needed space to think and was in another relationship within a month and is still in it 5 months later. He continues to want me as his friend even without specifying what that means and what those needs are - even if I’ve shared my own. My fear is that if he truly doesn’t know what his needs are, what does that mean for our friendship or a potential future reconciliation romantically?
OMG! Spot on
Do you think it takes longer to heal if you are really diving deep into the work? Because you are bringing up so much old stuff too?
So even if the DA and the FA break up w you, you have to reach out first? Or they will be offended/ rejected?
If there pendulum was left in silence with no response for three weeks despite no arguments, only great times together, would one offer via text or call to get together to let them know you have been thinking about them and would like to out and pick things up and only Chat about needs in person? We have a date scheduled before the last pendulum swing…… or wait to see if the FA shows up? Ie give them the chance to return on their own accord? I’m previously FA so I accept and love her without conditions. Thanks for this great video. Cheers
Any person that truly loves self doesn’t put up with this behavior. It’s not anyone’s job to mentally fix another adult.
You are right, however, from my experience as a fearful avoidant, if you make it to a place in the relationship where there is complete trust, it can become the best relationship you've ever had. Fearful avoidants long to feel safe and secure.
It’s true that everyone deserves to be in a relationship where their well-being is respected, and while supporting a partner is part of a healthy relationship, it’s not anyone’s responsibility to "fix" someone else. Prioritizing your own emotional health is essential. 💙
Amen
@@stacyrodriguez3683 "Fearful avoidants long to feel safe and secure." LOLZ... you give an FA safety and security and they'll run away screaming shiiiite about their "independence".
You can't win with these people. They're potty
Signing up for a lifetime of TRAUMA. NO THANK YOU.
I think the warming up period can take WAY longer than 8 weeks. Disagree that FAs will want to start talking about the issues in the relationship so soon, at least from the dumper's perspective. They usually dip their toe in to test the waters with the initial contact, but it can take quite a while before they feel safe to even talk about the relationship/breakup. And this is even when the dumpee is aware of the "Goldilocks" thing you mentioned.
The FA man I was with always give me an act of service love language, is it because he's leaning dismissive?? But he definitely likes to be given the words of affirmation and love quality time.. and for me, I'm an fa lean anxious but he always give me act of service,, I didnt realize it then I only just realize it when he pulled away because he thinks I dont apprciate him often.. I guess in a way he did act of service in order to get words of affirmation from me.. maybe.. I dont know, because like any other FA he doesnt communicate this, I only figure this out myself..
So waiting multiple weeks before bringing up what would be needed from the partner of the FA to not push the pendulum? 8 weeks after reconnecting? Or upon reconnecting?
Can a fearful avoidant person come back, especially if after 1 month after the breakup they said "I was not so much in love" despite evidence to the contrary?
Their past experiences lead them to misinterpret our healthy communication by comparing it to their previous toxic relationships. With little experience in healthy love-mostly short flings with toxic partners-they struggle to recognize what real love feels like. The "felt love" only once during a long-distance relationship (their first one) with a person recovering from a toxic relationship while they were talking everyday for their ex and how he traumatized her (co-dependency?).
They are self-aware and want to heal but struggle to find the right tools (and the right questions) and are governed by their fear after 3 months in the relationship. They broke up after 7 months to address anxiety, despite they see our compatibility and how we "mirror" each other. They do well at a distance.
I don't invest myself in anymore, just wondering: Is there hope for them to return? Will they realize what goes on with them (soon) ?
@The_Whimsical_Avoidant I get it, thanks for the feedback! According to Thais' quiz, I'm securely attached with 30% FA tendencies, which might explain my understanding of them.
After 3+ months in and while they initiated to become official couple, their behavior turned hot and cold: They expressed missing me, had moments of jealousy and avoidance, anxious about how serious we were, and feeling overwhelmed, but struggled to articulate why. Still they remained very affectionate and caring. Their hyper-vigilance often fixates on my flaws, and they get uneasy when deeper issues aren't present, but never expressed any "red flag" - and we openly talk about everything.
When I said "they convinced themselves" it’s because:
Even when they broke up with me, they hesitated and questioned "it might be me" or "it might be bad period".
The "checkup" date came after 4 weeks when I sensed their still avoidant phase.
Regarding communication: we both recognize our deep connection and super compatibility. They even say we are mirrors! They always appreciate my compassion and admire my patience. But still seem questioning our 'style of communication'. I realized theirs stems from a trauma bond from their first relationship, which was unhealthy and co-dependent (abused ex talked daily about her ex!). They seem to miss that intensity, also coming from a dysfunctional family with unresolved traumas.
It’s a shame because they have so many great qualities. And we both admit we didn't met at the right moment in our paths.
@The_Whimsical_Avoidant Definitely! And he's self-aware about it. Just wondering if there's any come-back to expect. (Even though, I will be super hesitant and I'm already feeling off the relationship)
@The_Whimsical_Avoidant No prob :)
Absolutely. My primary concern is being in a healthy relationship. I was willing to support them on their journey, but it seems my efforts fell short. I'm uncertain if they have the necessary resources to truly address the underlying issues, which leaves me feeling less hopeful tbh
I’ve been coming so much more secure and changed very much since my journey started 4 years ago. I didn’t notice before I fell in love this year and actually was open and vulnerable and direct. I noticed he started to distance him self and asked openly if everything was okay and that I felt rejected but that I would respect if he doesn’t want a relationship or if he needs space. He said sorry, that everything is okay and to never feel scared that he’ll ghost. Then he ghosted the next day. So I’m disappointed that even when sharing my needs this happens. I’ve never been happy right after a break up like other FA’s, I’m rather devastated and can’t get out of bed for a few weeks. Then I’m ice cold, like now, if my recent ex had reached out a few weeks ago I would have been open to it, but now the window is closed and I wish him well but he’s just dead to me forever.
My FA ex self sabotaged the relationship 4 months ago. He ended it via text after an 18 month relationship, saying: “Unfortunately, I don’t think I’m in a place where I can provide you what you need and deserve. I love you completely and want only you. I’m not looking for anything else. I just am not in a great place right now. I’m sorry.”
I tried contacting him for a couple weeks after the breakup, but he never responded. I let him know if he ever got to a place where he can have an honest and vulnerable conversation to reach out to me. Should I give up any hope?
@ I tried to communicate this initially. He never responded to anything I sent- texts and emails. I’ve been in no contact for almost 4 months, but have left the door open for him if he ever wants to have an honest conversation about what happened. In the meantime, I’ve been working on myself, but do hope one day soon he will reach out to have a conversation about everything. Part of me wonders if it was just a line to let me down easy, but he always told me he never felt this way about anyone and no one has ever made him feel so loved. It sucks.
It's understandable to feel conflicted. His message shows care, but his actions suggest he's not ready. Focus on your healing and what you deserve. If he reaches out, you can reassess then. 💙
An avoidant saying that I didn't fight for the relationship sounds crazy to me.
Right!! 😭
Dude……. Im being stonewalled currently because of how I over spilled my anxiety & she blocked me… she unblocked me but I didn’t add her back asap so she reblocked… and then I saw her out & she was not open for reconnecting right then… then she told a mutual acquaintance that she cares about me & she just needs space…. So I’m giving her space…. Idk for how long though….should I wait 30 days or like 2 weeks???
I'd wait at least 30 days.
@@jamie-r2034heard that:…some other guy said the window to reconnect is shorter than people think & a lady on here said avoidants want you to be around and exist independently without engaging so they know you can exist on your own lol
If someone who you're in an.intimate relationship with, a place where one is supposed to feel safe, is behaving like this (regardless of their intentions and trauma responses) why would you wait?
Personally I think it tells you all you need to know.
Put your energy and care into making yourself as whole as you can and wait for someone who is ready to give you what you deserve ❤️
Right, my avoidant ex is sharing things that are the opposite opinions or thoughts when we was together? Anyone know what’s happening here I’m assuming she’s ’changing’ who she is to who she’s with she’s with someone else and it’s just making me question the person I love is she real? Like anyone got any thoughts I’ll be honoured to hear
@bulldogsnewleaf-m7gso why would you change your opinions on big issues? Like complete opposite stans, I agree with what you’re saying but didn’t answer my statement they do change themselves to a point and value independence I’m aware of that
@ don’t be sorry thank you for your insight
It’s common for avoidants to adapt their behavior depending on who they’re with. Your ex may be changing to fit her new relationship, which can make you question her authenticity. It’s important to focus on your own growth and trust your feelings, especially when faced with these dynamics.
@ I am focusing on me, it’s not attractive to see her seeing and saying things that are the polar opposite to what she said to me makes me think, what’s really her? Like who is she is the girl I love her or not, I don’t think it’s fair to adapt on their partner like some things I can but your opinion on kids or being happy in your sexuality like they’re things that should be set answers, I’ve been working on me and understanding her and me and our attachment styles but this threw me off guard if you ever did a video on this I would be so grateful ☺️ but thanks for all
I tried reaching out to my FA after three months. She was open to a conversation, but I could tell she had significant emotional walls and had just avoided processing the breakup. After three weeks of this dynamic, I decided to step up and set a boundary, stating that I couldn’t pretend to be platonic while still having romantic feelings. Since then, I’ve been in strict no contact. It’s been two months since I set the boundary and six months since the breakup. Recently, she started deleting me from social media-about one account per week over the past three weeks-and I find it... odd.
I think she’s starting to feel the breakup, and I wish I could reconnect, but it’s not up to me now. :(
You’re in strict no contact, you told her you can’t be friends but it’s “odd” she’s cutting you out of her life on social media? It’s “up to her” to reconnect but YOU initiated a no contact protocol?
@@MJ-gm7km What are you trying to say with this?
@@drevolan I think MJ has a point. It seems your FA is more scared than she is willing. You set a boundary and she couldn’t conform to it, so to avoid getting hurt, she is trying to move on or is going through an angry and painful phase. In any way, she wants to move on. You did things right. It doesn’t seem like your FA can do things in a timeframe that you could be happy with.
@@Legorreta.M.D Yeah... that's what I fear and with what I've been grappling with lately.
It's been 6 months into the breakup and im transitioning from being incredibly anxious / stalkerish vibes to a more depressed / melancholic hopeless phase.
Because I feel she is just starting to feel the breakup and by the time she has actually processed what it meant I will have most likely outgrown her ... which is very bittersweet
@@drevolan It is very difficult to say. The timelines you outline work more for the dismissive avoidant. The FA takes way less time, but also the time frame is important. An FA will first feel liberated and then anxiously miss you. Then the hurt will trigger the avoidant side hard. So by what you say, I think it may be late. An FA usually takes 40 to 60 days to activate their anxious side, and they may try to contact you. If you don't seem to care in a right balance (not too little that it hurts them and they regret the contact and shut down and not too strongly that it overwhelms them and they become avoidant). It is a hard balance. It is more sticking to the recommended days and ways than looking for signs, because your FA might have been too scared to contact you.
In my opinion, too much time passed, your FA is trying to move on, has understood that nothing will happen and is trying to remove you from sight, so you are out of mind. Removing your pictures from social media means that person doesn't get reminded of you, and if a new date sees the social media, there will be less questions asked on the past and they seem easier to date. In my opinion, it is too late.
What you can do if you want to test the waters is send a nice message near Christmas. Something like "Hi, I saw (X thing she likes) and it reminded me of you. I hope you have a great Christmas near your loved ones. I wish you the best for this new year :)"
It seems genuinely caring, it doesn't make it clear that you want them back, it is normal to contact people you don't often contact for Christmas, and it is thoughtful. That way, it's only positive feelings that can be associated to it.Then some other day, like the 27th, reply with a picture of how you celebrated Christmas and say it was a lot of fun. It will seem like you are thinking of that person, but your life doesn't revolve around them and it shouldn't trigger fears. Then keep things casual and fun for 8 weeks. That person won't be in the head space to continue together before that. Don't mention relationships until it seems to that person like it could arise organically. (And I agree, it is ridiculous that we need to be so careful and aware of a million tiny details. I am one week into my no contact and it already feels unbearable... does it get easier?)
FA here.Communicated verbally and at some point even in written to my as I understand now,DA ex husband. He promised,never followed through. Eve when I was leaving,he was verbally insulting me and trying to diminish my worth.
The point is: learn the difference between lack of communication and simple ignorance. Especially from DAs
Dude.... this guy is so ANXTIOUS, that he keeps ASKING Thais if what he is saying is "okay" ... Horrible to watch .. like he is instructed in what to say.. for Thais benefit.. geez
*first*