Many good points here. But I would add a bit of nuance as well by saying that it doesn't mean we cannot engage in interdependence with people. So many of my friends with ADHD have tremendous social trauma and are still in this colonial mindset of "I am solely responsible for everything in my life." It lands them often burned out, isolated, shameful, shaming others, counterdependent. We are tribe animals and don't exist in a vacuum. Sometimes we can support each other and seek help in healthy amounts to push everybody towards the top, rather than fighting a rat race at the bottom. Yes in the end we have to own our conditions, but it doesn't mean we have to face them alone.
I didn't even know I had ADHD until 2022 at the age of 36. Yet I have always lived my life with the idea that no one owes me anything and that I have to take responsibility for my actions and inaction. Those were taught to me by my parents from a young age. I may not be some big success story, but I live a good life. Better now that I am receiving treatment for my ADHD.
What if I own and accept my ADHD, but my family, spouse, insurance and clinicians cannot? I am seeking treatment yet my parents believe that medications are poison/ADHD is just a figment of modern society/going vegan will cure everything? What if my spouse thinks I’m blaming my laziness, lateness, and other character flaws on a concept called ADHD that isn’t really a thing? What about doctors that won’t prescribe stimulants due to excessive (and understandable) regulations and treat me like a drug addict? As a nearly 40-year-old woman these are the hoops I’m jumping through in order to try to heal myself after years of struggling in silence, because for women after all, everything is in our heads and we're just messy and lazy.
I hear you, and can relate very strongly to u. Let me know if you need any support like venting out to a stranger women who has experienced most of what u just said.
Watching this in a country where ADHD is still way less acknowledged and diagnosed, this somewhat personal perspective from Dr. Barkley seems a bit US centric. In Germany, the "excuses" and "denial of your ADHD" and "You can't have it because XY" are more likely to come from your health care provider. It's slowly changing, but that already leads to people claiming ADHD is overdiagnosed and medication is being overprescribed. At the same time, antidepressants are being prescribed like candy. Just saying, its more difficult to stand up for yourself, own your ADHD and get treatment in this environment. I was diagnosed with ADD this year at 34, but I had to fight to be heard and taken seriously.
Wie penibel war der Psychiater denn bei Fremdbestätigung deiner Symptome aus der Kindheit? Habe bald meinen Termin zur Diagnose, komme aber aus einem Haushalt wo meine Eltern generell nicht an sowas glauben. Grundschulzeugnisse fehlen auch. Habe Angst, dass der behandelnde Psychiater eine Diagnose deswegen generell verweigern wird, egal wie sehr meine Symptome ausgeprägt sind.
@@batataandshawarmalover Very detailed but fair. One report from elementary school had clear signs of ADD that met the criterion of onset before the age of 12, and we also did an interview with my mother to corroborate. But I've also heard from friends that in more obvious cases where hyperactivity and impulsivity are more outwardly present, just the school reports were enough.
@@batataandshawarmalover google the videos from prof. barkley that talk about how girls in the development phase (childhood - adulthood) don't necessarily show symptoms of hyperactivity. and there is probably a percentage of boys who are similar. make sure your doctor knows that, because mine didn't take it seriously enough.
@@Oneill117 I had symptoms of hyperactivity in childhood, now it's more so mental hyperactivity instead of physical like when I was a child. That's not the issue though. The issue is that the diagnostic criteria requires outside confirmation of one's symptoms from before the age of 12. If taken literally, which I have heard has happened to many people here in Germany, this means that the doctor will deny a diagnosis if you can't provide outside confirmation of your symptoms from childhood, ie they won't even consider diagnosing you regardless of how severe your symptoms are, and regardless of wether or not you meet all the other criteria. This is a huge issue for me, because none of my report cards have any notes in them about my behavior in class (different country in childhood), and my parents, the only people who could corroborate my symptoms from childhood, generally don't believe in anything related to mental health except the most severe of illnesses (ie very severe things that can be seen from the outside immediately, and that make a person dangerous to others and to themselves). Anyways, I'm not gonna assume a negative outcome before my appointment. There's a 30-50% chance the doctor at my appointment will be both knowledgeable and understanding of my specific situation (ie no report cards or outside confirmation). So the chances are fairly good. Even if this one isn't the best, I have a way of obtaining appointment fairly fast, and everything is paid by insurance anyway, so I'll be able to have a new appointment like every month until I land on a good one. Diagnosis process itself could be anywhere in the neighborhood of 1-3 months after finding a good one.
As someone who suffers with extreme severe anxiety I can totally relate to her. I would stop eating for days at a time as a punishment. I worry a lot about my life, everyone around me and pleasing everyone. It's absolutely crippling, so glad she got the help she needed, lovely young lady it's so sad that society has 1 in 3 people suffering mental health issues. I hope everyone seeks help
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about how mushrooms and psychedelics treats anxiety, but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
I have pretty impairing ADHD. But I am also ‘successful’ in the normal sense, I have a degree in physics, a masters in pharmacology and PhD from the University of Michigan in physiology and have published in nature etc although my area is in stem cells and electrophysiology not adhd, but I’d certainly qualify as ‘successful’ in a normal way but I would ask you to read your list and pretend you’re talking to someone with down syndrome or someone with cancer or someone with essentially any kind other kind of impairing cognitive or physical condition. The things you list are true, life is hard and no one owes anyone anything etc. but it certainly isn’t empowering to be told that that’s how you need to learn how to cope with being impaired, just suck it up and ‘fix yourself’ so the rest of us don’t have to be annoyed by your life. This is not going to result in any positive change and worse it’s likely going to lead to the loved ones of ADHD people to doing harm to the ones struggling the most with their adhd. It firstly assumes that treatment actually fixes ADHD and prevents the ‘bad choices’ that you are suggesting are responsible for the ‘sad’ unsuccessful lives many people with ADHD lead. But it definitely doesn’t. For me personally it makes it just about to the level that I can mask when needed. But despite my intelligence, access to good healthcare and many other privileges, treatment has never been close to enough for me to come off as normal or prevent stupid impulses or talking too fast or chronic time blindness etc. you get the picture. And it has absolutely Nothing to do with me not taking responsibility for my life. Nor is that the case for those who have ADHD who have not been successful. It is not an issue of personal responsibility even though I know full well that’s exactly what it looks like from the outside. I think this is the most important concept that needs to change in the way people look at ADHD. I know the kind of behaviors you’re talking about, my younger brother fit exactly what you’re describing. And the difference between me being able to pull of the pretense of normal functionality vs him is that his health insurance lapsed and he stopped being able to get his adderall in his 20s and he just kept going with life doing his best. Which is the point. Essentially everyone is just doing their best for themselves. He would get into financial problems all of the time by not paying bills on time and racking up late fees etc, he would be late to work etc many of the exact same problems I would have, only I could clean up the problems a little sooner and stay on top of the issues a bit better because of adderall and having a stable job. My point is that there is NO difference between those of us with ADHD who have become ‘successful’ and those who haven’t except for luck and circumstances. All of the rest, the blaming others, not being able to make changes (like navigating health care and appointments two things which can be remarkably hard for someone with ADHD despite best intentions and necessity), the lying to make it seem like things are fine etc etc. everything you talked about your brother doing, all of that is just a defense for not being able to manage better. True, occasionally people with adhd fall for their own bs, but it’s always just bs. And when it’s not bs, its depression as a result of the seeming futility of life with adhd, and it is the depression which is stopping the changes from happening to reach a better state of functioning. My point is would you tell someone with depression or parkinsons or whatever other conditions to not get upset with the way people treat you, or that your life like this is just a choice? No you wouldn’t. I’m sorry to say this but it sounds you’ve fallen for the common ADHD bs that adhd people often tell ourselves and others defensively to keep ourselves intact. It’s not real, the blame and the complaints on the system etc, the blame or complaints may be true or not but they are not in anyway interrupting the process of improving our lives. It’s not the cause of why bills don’t get paid or appointments get missed. It’s just a bs defense against our own overly critical thoughts that were born out of everyone else’s continuous criticisms of us. And yes it annoys the - out of everyone around us listening to us complain when they (and we) can very obviously see what went wrong and had we just not been adhd making adhd problems for ourselves as always that we wouldn’t be in this mess. I do know people with adhd who start to believe their own bs and all of the anger they have towards themselves gets an outlet to go to, but it’s a coping mechanism, from trauma essentially. It’s not the adhd that is doing that, it’s the trauma response. That needs to be addressed separately from the adhd. Owning our differences and knowing ourselves allows us to make sure we can figure out the right hacks to get things done better and function better in our societal structure. But there is absolutely cause to complain about how we are treated, and the schools and works environments do need to change if we want a functional society that doesn’t outcast members who are different. Ableism is no different than racism or sexism. And while it remains true that no one owes women or minorities anything either, how about we take the moral stand and focus the anger and disappointment you have towards those like your brother and mine and focus it on those not living up to an equitable social contract. And instead let those with ADHD know that yes the system is rigged against us in some very significant ways. And work to undo the defensive trauma responses that are actually the problem as a result of society’s wrongs. From that point the person with adhd can stop getting caught up as much and know in themselves that they aren’t inherently a failure of a human that it’s not because they are lazy or stupid etc. Empowerment will work a million times better than the suck it up and face it life is hard method I promise you.
Thank you for writing this. I too am "successful", and with the added challenge of being a single mother with two teens (one quite violent) who both have ADHD. I own it. I research it. I advocate for it. I treat myself and my children (again, because I am "successful" and have a job with insurance and thus accesses to treatments). But the world IS NOT MADE for us. I used to think I was broken but I've worked hard to get "fixed" and I know understand the truth: we don't fit into this world as constructed and this world isn't interested in being reconstructed to one that is more aligned with the equity and understanding you argue is needed.
Yes! Thank you. Well said. I was diagnosed very late in life. I tried my entire life to improve my self and my life. Own my mistakes and foibles. Self-help/improvement was my hyper focus. It still didn't matter. No one ever suspected that I was ADHD-I and ASD. The mask from childhood was so good it took decades to unpack. I am still unpacking. Things finally make sense, but it isn't any easier. I am still royally traumatized despite eventually getting education and training as a trauma information counselor and EFT Tapping practitioner. Now I am having an identity crisis and a ton of regret, even though I know that I did the best that I could do.
Thank you I am quite taken aback by this video because it seems at odds with other things I've heard from Dr Berkeley. Saying that schools don't owe it to their students to accommodate their neurodevelopmental issues and that the students should be able to own it and deal with it themselves seems ludicrous. Additionally, thinking of the ADHD successes listed, I believe that some people are successful because of their ADHD, not just in spite of it- by this I mean that being wired differently is who we are, it's not just the problems we develop as a result. We may be driven to find something more rewarding (like a sport for example) than an NT person. We might be more prepared to take the risks required to pursue something like a musical career. I don't think adhd should only be seen as the negative symptoms as though they are unrelated to the person's strengths. I agree that support and luck is a big differentiator between those who are successful enough to be able to mitigate for their symptoms and those who can't. With the example of you and your brother it's really clear how there is a feedback loop that is very hard to break out of when things are going badly.
This is the most boomer video Dr. Barkley has ever done. We need to remember that people are product of their time. I agree with you that this is a terrible strategy, even if there's some pieces of truth in it.
Think the difference between me and Justin Timberlake is the access to good therapy and medicine. Here in the UK waiting lists are 5+years. Mental health system is BROKEN. So without appropriate support - it's sometimes difficult to see the wood for the trees.
I was diagnosed 2 years ago. Left with no treatment, medication or therapy. It's difficult trying to make friends with a new person. And re learn who I am.
@@batataandshawarmalover I am BRO🤣. How old are you 7? Hence why I sought a diagnosis and why I listen to Russ. Doesn't always make it easy. Just like it's not easy for an alcoholic to quit beer alone with no professional support.
@@truth-hurts3089 I know. My comment was sarcastic. The notion of "just take rEspOnsibiLitEEe Brahh" with regards to illness, and framing poor choices and life outcomes directly caused by having ADHD, as voluntary, or as something one is choosing to do, is an insane take I never thought I'd hear from Dr. Barkley after having listened to all his other materials. I'm in Germany, so same issue with getting treatment. Half the psychiatrists don't even believe it's real, or that it only exists in kids. Appointment is very soon, let's hope for the best.
I obviously don’t know your financial situation, but if you can even just barely afford it I would seriously suggest going private. Having a formal diagnosis and access to medication will easily save you more money in the long run, let alone the profound impact it will have on your life.
I don't disagree with anything that's been said, but before you can own your ADHD you have to know that you have it. I'm only 6 years younger than Dr Barkley, and have just been diagnosed, after working out for myself that I must have it two years ago, and have not got the the stage where I'm getting treatment yet. Now I understand ADHD and how it affects me, I'm doing my best to take ownership. But I can't take all the responsibility for problems in my life, including those that were due to the actions of others, where my attempts to resolve things didn't work because I had no knowledge that I'm different to most people and need to deal with things differently. And I'm already overwhelmed by the 13 years since I started to discover I may have ASD, that was diagnosed 5 years ago, and not understanding why trying to take ownership of that wasn't working. It's only now I understand it's a combination of ASD and ADHD, but I've got 68 years of damage and taking wrong actions to recover from. I don't feel bad about blaming others occasionally!
I'm in a similar boat with age and discovery of my ASD and ADHD so late in life. It was partly through coaching mainly teenagers, some I understood their tangential thinking that left other coaches baffled then later finding out about their ASD and/or ADHD. Unlike my older brothers my childhood was a combination of neglect and being pushed to be independent (mother was expecting a daughter and after I was born was unable to have more children - found that out after she passed while I was in therapy for another childhood abuse issue and so many other weird things were coming up). As someone else commented I kept falling into lucky situations, a friends family took me in as I recovered from a drug addiction, I was more careful with drugs after that for a number of years as I denied my alcoholism but had many watching over me from the underbelly of society as I survived by legal and illegal means. I then met my to be wife and her mother saw something more in me than an older long haired hippy leather craftsman, over a number of years she encouraged me to find more stable employment via education. After a number of years as a mature student I found a position that played to my ASD and ADHD strengths, my last boss never caught on to my leaving information requests sitting on my desk for weeks until I came in one morning with an idea of how to solve it in ten minutes or so. Work colleagues some of whom may also be on the spectrum would remind me of the time and getting time sensitive things done, they also appreciated my ability to solve problems and my accumulated knowledge. Wife didn't suspect until after doing considerable research into autism with regard to a grandson, then she put it together - and she is now more understanding of my challenges. Retired now but as my youngest put it I'm growing up to be like him and getting paid to alpine ski - just have to look after injured people on the slopes and get them down. Skiing has been a life long passion of mine suggested by a great aunt who very likely also had ADHD.
Yep. I am younger than you, but not young and just figuring out that I have ADHD-I two years ago and now realizing that I am ASD as well. I've spent my life trying to become a better person and failing at so many things. Not taking responsibility was never the problem. Not knowing what was wrong with me, why I was different, was the problem. Lots of therapy and even going back to school for counseling psychology. Becoming accredited for EFT Tapping. Therapists not understanding why I struggled, because my childhood was not any kind of typical traumatic thing, yet I have a lot of trauma. Finally figuring it out at 48. Too late the damage is done. I now have MS from a lifetime of trauma, striving to figure it out and not ever getting answers just struggling from one thing to the next. I tried to live a life with no regret after my husband died when I was 29, but now I only have regrets. It really sucks.
Same here! Worked out for myself 2 years ago aged 51 whilst studying for my BA Hons in Criminology. I love my ADHD because I love me and it's what makes me quirky!
Thank you for sharing this! Because he's essentially scolding us like we're being obstinate children and I'm over here like ah excuse me Sir I'm 38 years old and just realized omg I have ADHD and have been trying to figure out what's wrong with me and why I just can't seem to fit the mf mold 🤦 So way to try and shame someone for not being or doing well enough by society standards who is already wellllll aware of their difficulties. 🙄 Jerk
I was diagnosed with combined type last year at 55 years of age. I felt such a sense of relief when I was given information and found out about ADHD. I wholeheartedly accept my diagnosis and everything along with it - it makes complete sense to me. What I find slightly annoying is my friends and others who do not know me as well, is the “but everyone is like that” comments. No, they’re not - or they might be occasionally, but they do not experience the differences and deficits every day like someone with a diagnosis does. I am not special in any way, but how I percieve life and react to it is different. I have always apologised for my behaviour and have been a people pleaser for decades. I walked away from 2 marriages etc., etc. etc
It was difficult to take responsibility for something I didn’t know I had until my late 40s. Something that I have been abused for my whole childhood. Fair enough once you know you have this condition, but for some of us we have had a lifetime of punishment for something we didn’t know we had. Sometimes the damage is already done.
Blaming others is not a great way to improve a situation. But all in all, this goes both ways. If an ADHD person accepts themself as who they are, then that works best when others around them also accept them as who they are. And that goes for all people, essentially: people with ADHD, other conditions, and all sorts of neurotypicals too. I guess there may still be ADHD people who are like your brother, Dr. Barkley, and who externalize their problems. And that is not acceptable, and a cause for more problems. But on the other hand, the ADHD people I meet tend to internalize their problems. And that often leads to problems like anxiety and its disorder, rumination and even depression. We know about these. And there is withdrawal from society. We also know that other neurodevelopmental disorders are relatively commonly co-occurring with ADHD: dyslexia, dyspraxia, ASD, to name a few. These further limit the ways how these people can negotiate their way to a more successful outcome in society, and own their disorder. And let’s not forget that the co-occurrence of some of these conditions has only recently, 11 years ago, been accepted and embraced by the DSM. People who had several of these conditions were at a complete loss to identify them correctly in themselves. Our “official” understanding did not reflect their reality … so they and people around them were essentially gaslit into seeking other explanations. (And I may very well be one of the affected people.) To own our disorder(s), we need to know and understand them, and we need to know ways how to deal with them. These are not at all obvious, all the time. In the end, I believe, all this comes down to good science, education and understanding … on all sides. (Hasn’t learning about our hard-found knowledge in general been a great tool to improve our ability to adapt?) I do imagine that we need to learn about the differences in people in schools. Because we all are the same, in many ways, but also different in other ways. And as we learn to understand and deal with these differences better, we can learn how to improve the situation for everyone. One last comment about asking ADHD people to negotiate their way to a more successful outcome. I do not disagree … but the limitations in executive functions make this more difficult for people with ADHD. (There are other disorders, like schizophrenia or ASD, who also make this (much) more difficult, but for different reasons and in different ways.) All in all, I agree that people should try to make the best out of their situation … to the extent that they are able to do it. And as I wrote in the beginning, I also agree that people should stop blaming others, when the problems lie in their own limitations. But again, this also requires that people know their limitations and how to help them deal with them, and that there are opportunities for people who have limitations in central functioning areas like EF (for ADHD) or social abilities (for ASD), and so on. Medications can help, and sometimes they help a lot, and non-medical things can help as well … but they don’t make these conditions disappear completely. In the end, I agree with what you are saying to the extent that people need to hear this when they are externalizing their problems and blaming others beyond measure and do not learn and accept themselves and work on themselves while having the capacity to do that. But I believe this message needs to be extended to society in general … there need to be accepting as well and provide reasonable accommodations. (This is often possible, even at low or no cost or at a net benefit … not completely without problems, but maybe with “better” problems.) Overdoing the “it’s you!” message leads to the problems of internalizing that I mentioned above. We need to find a reasonable middle ground. (One example: if gay people still had to solve all their problems themselves, by “simply adapting” to society as it was, then we would not have gay partnerships and gay people would still go into unhappy heterosexual relationships to conform to societal expectations, with all the mental health problems associated with that.) We need to remember that we, as a society, are best off when we are well informed and able to work together, in the best ways possible, as a whole and as individuals … rather than asking for the impossible. Edits: for clarity, examples and more about my conclusion. Sorry, I felt I had to.
You forgot the most important point: DON'T BLAME YOURSELF! ADHD is incredibly difficult to live with, especially without the proper support, and it is ok for people to struggle, and it is NOT their fault! I think Barkley hinted at this, but as someone who has worked with ADHD all these years, he should know the harm he can cause by not explicitly saying this. ADHDers have been blamed for everything all their lives, and they tend to absorb criticism like a sponge. Self-blame and self-hatred should probably be a diagnostic criteria at this point. Personal responsibility is important, but most ADHDers I know have plenty of it, but struggle with having a healthy sense of selfworth. Final point: while I agree that the blame game is not particularly helpful, it seems hypocritical that ADHDers aren't supposed to blame the world for not accommodating their differences, when, meanwhile, the world constantly blames ADHDers for being different. Also, blaming others for ones own problem is hardly unique to ADHD; Have you ever watched Fox News?
The power games are pointless, but we are but actors in the theater of this reality, and some people just don't want to understand or have much to gain. The neurotypical consists of mostly mild to major psychopaths. Their not having ADHD is seen as a relative advantage over you. If you point out the inherent unfairness and violence of the real world, you removed the underpinning justification of why they have what they have. The only moral way to tackle the issue is the formation of communities and organisations to state the truth.
We should seek solutions, not problems. Blaming may cause another never ending problem, instead of solution. I think it is false dichotomy to say: I will blame others or they will blame me. Blame game is rarely beneficial for anyone
I grew up a pretty optimistic and happy kid, especially around 15-18 I had a growth mindset and the self-assurance that everything would work out in the end. I even attended an orientation for that Covey book you mentioned at that age. Not sure where things went wrong, but it became very hard to return to it despite logically knowing that no matter the circumstances, it is the only mindset that offers a positive path forward. I guess I just had one too many honest attempts to do what everybody says you're supposed to be doing and failing, that I gave up trying for a while. I am getting treated now, it's helping me do some things that benefit me and could make it easier to get back on my feet, but it still feels like I am lying through my teeth to rebuild my self-worth.
I relate strongly to your comment. Something that's helped me is redefining success. I congratulate myself on the completion of smaller tasks. At first this felt cheap, but recognizing that I'm managing my entire life now - with much less guidance than I had as a child! So I think child me simply couldn't have grown as much as he did without a lot of invisible, structural support. Such support is less common in adult life, though I think it ought to be.
@@blobberberry I appreciate your response. Could you explain a bit more concretely how you would congratulate yourself in the beginning to redefine that self perception of success?
This video just hits different, it just looks like a speech coming from still not healed wound of brother. The tone is also different. Also, the success stories, we know, and you said it yourself in earlier videos, are in the minority, and that one should be realistic. Also, in a lot of places around the world (and a lot of people that are not in the USA are following this account, including myself) have extreme problems of finding any doctor or psychiatrist that "believes" in adult adhd, let alone that he knows how to diagnose. And to get a medication, is close to impossible, and in some places truly impossible. I understand everything that you said and the main message, but it's just harsh and full of anger.
This is more about your beliefs, than it's really about ADHD. I do share a lot of them, but as I'm not American, I can also clearly see that some are even culture here. In DK it's generally a firm belief that schools of course should be acommedating. It's quite more debated how good they are at it and how they should do it. And trying to raise above the culture.. well - I do agree with the world around also having responsibilities towards handicap. Any handicap, and ADHD is one. We as people have a responsibility for creating an environment that is acommedating where that is fairly easy to do. Where it leaves people strugling too much. It's not either or. It doesn't mean the we should not take responsibility for our self, but also employers should be accomdating. As they should be responsible towards the environment and diversity too. But of course we also need to do our part, and try to resolve what we can.
Thank you so much for your bluntness. There is such a flood of anti-medication channels here (don’t get me started on TikTok) that it’s easy for people to be sucked into the latest clickbait trends and never realize that meds are literally life prolonging for those with ADHD. Your channel is what got me to go for meds for my son instead of only using occupational therapy. I’m grateful for the research you share and link. I believe it will help my son throughout his lifetime. Thank you.
I have always been hugely in favor of taking responsibility for myself my actions, my decisions, etc. That's how I've raised my children as well. I have never, ever in my life enjoyed owning an issue of my own as much as I enjoy owning my newly discovered ADHD. (60; as yet not officially diagnosed) Nothing has given me as much gratification as to understand why I am the way I am, why I behave the way I do, and to finally work towards solutions to the problems that have plagued me my entire life. I have made so much progress in just a few weeks from owning this condition, doing as much study and research as I can, and setting up systems in my life to help me manage it. Also, I see how all of the wonderful positive ADHD traits are reflected, have always been reflected, in my life. More joy in understanding! And thank you Dr Barkley! You have truly been a godsend!
It felt so hard to me to hear these words. I truly think that people withb ADH, including myself, need a bit more attention, caring and empathy. After watching this video I felt like I'm abandoned in a hospital of not-normal-people and I receive this words to my request of help to fix a bit of my life.
Everybody in this world needs more caring and empathy. But your condition, and mine, do not entitle us to extra empathy above everyone else. And we certainly should not be blaming or resentful toward the world for failing to provide it. Those are just self-defeating feelings, as Russ has explained.
Entitlement even when justified leads to disappointment. Unless you have the ability to enforce it. It's about being smart instead of right. It's a lot easier for me to deal with my as ADHD as best as I could, then wait and expect the world to accommodate me. And fail until they do. I would rather live my life with the best results I can. We may have less control over ourselves. But we still have more control over ourselves then control over other people. Now I certainly appreciate empathy. And I think we could should all be kinder and nicer, but I can't wait until everyone gives me that.
These are the words I wish Mr. Barkley had added. Just to say " the world ows you nothing" is a slab in the face of a person in need. Thank you for adding clarification. It's not about " don't bother the world with your problems" . It's about avoiding a victim - mindset to be able to take action.
@@DaveSmith-pm2yqThese are the words I wish Mr. Barkley had added. Just to say " the world ows you nothing" is a slab in the face of a person in need. Thank you for adding clarification. It's not about " don't bother the world with your problems" . It's about avoiding a victim - mindset to be able to take action.
@@katoptron6583 sometimes a tough- love approach is needed for people who refused to take responsibility for themselves. Kindness is a virtue but I am sure Dr Barkley has seen plenty of cases that don't respond to that. ADHD blunts our perception of reality so reality has to get tough.
When it comes to owning up to the decision to stay in treatment, I don't think it's fair to say you have to own 100% of that decision. There may be factors that suffer as a result of getting treatment, such as going into debt to afford therapy when you're health insurance is expensive, going into debt because of health care costs, or having utilities shut off because of wage garnishment in the case of filing for bankruptcy. To this one, the decision is still one of cost vs benefit, and the decision you make is yours, but there is a reasonable amount of blame to be put on those other factors. To this point, I would say to be mindful of whether you could've controlled those factors, and accept when you couldn't (don't take ownership, but allow it to be true without judging it or emotionally wresting with it). In other words, take ownership, but to the extent that you could control everything that you could, because there might be factors you couldn't control. I think it's okay to say "I had to stop treatment because I couldn't afford it; if only my health insurance made it easier to get treatment".
Hello, I was diagnosed with ADHD a few weeks ago (27M) and I'd like to share something I've discovered that helps me manage my condition. The basis for this was the recommendation to parents of children with ADHD that their kids take regular breaks to recharge the "working battery" Russell's referred to in the past, an idea I took and ran with for the sake of helping me feel less like a zombie while watching youtube or playing videogames, but I've found another benefit of doing this. So I set a timer on my smart watch, regardless of whether I'm doing something productive or not, and take regular short breaks. Taking a short break, 3-5min depending on what you need (I do 20min on, 4min off) to recharge and refresh and maybe stretch a little isn't very hard to motivate yourself to do even if the activity you're pausing is very engaging. But once your break is over, it becomes easier to simply not return to that unproductive thing you were doing and choose a different task, like prepping dinner or recognising that the buss leaves in twenty minues and getting ready for that. It's a way to "cheat" your way out of perseveration behaviour. It doesn't work every time, but it's improved my ability to put entertainment aside in favour of more important tasks immensely.
As someone diagnosed last year age 47, I think it’s really important to fight against victim mentality whilst honoring your own experience. I found this video tough but helpful.
So many people just cant see it like this, I agree with you 1000% I am 45 , and have severe ADHD and was diagnosed last year. I had a horrific childhood but you know what I wont spend the rest of my life as a victim and blaming anyone else or my ADHD for the lack of success in my life. As much as it is to swallow an unfair pill, i am going to as there are no other options. Make the best of it or give up. I am not a quiter never ever!
Just to say " the world ows you nothing" is a slab in the face of a person in need. I would like to add some clarification. It's not about " don't bother the world with your problems" . It's about avoiding a victim - mindset to be able to take action to make your life better.
My ADHD makes me kind of bad at board games. I can start out pretty good, understand the rules, be scoring points, and then suddenly some impulse comes over me and I make a bad choice. Consequently, I rarely win. You would think that makes me less likely to play board games. Or that I wouldn't enjoy board games. But instead, over the years I've continued to play board games. At some point I realized this and I realized that the fun of board games for me was the act of playing, being together with friends, going through the journey of the game and having fun. The fun wasn't in the winning. So even though I'm not good at board games, if you want to say good is winning, I still play them and I will always play them. Another thing that sometimes happens with my ADHD, is that I space out on things that are responsibilities that I shouldn't space out on. For example, I pet sit for friends. Most of the time this goes great. I try to adapt to my ADHD by making sure it's in my calendar and setting reminders and timers etc. But every once in awhile something happens and I don't do those things and I may forget. This happened recently when a friend went away for a weekend and asked me to watch her cats. When she got back from her trip she texted me to tell me that she was back and that was the first time I remembered that I was supposed to be going and taking care of her cats. Luckily it was just a few days so the cats were fine because she always leaves them plenty of food and water. I was mortified. I said I was so so so so so sorry. And she said they seemed okay and it was okay. And I sat with that for a little bit, and then I realized that it wasn't okay. So I said to her, "You're very kind to forgive me. But I know how I would feel if it was my cats." Because I didn't want to just leave it and have bitter feelings between us. I wanted to acknowledge that I made a mistake that had consequences. Luckily those consequences did not occur, but I couldn't just accept her forgiveness without at least acknowledging out loud that that could have been a lot worse.
honestly yes, this year has got to be one of the best so far cause i've taken accountability and i'm succeeding at it! accepting who i am and getting the help i needed was an ABSOLUTE must
This video does carry a lot of personal baggage. Speaking of his brother when he was younger, would the young Russel Barkley have given the same advice to his brother, than the Russel Barkley now? Successful in convincing the younger versions to act in a /better/ way? I don't think this video is good a good example in conveying the ideas or concepts that are meant. Take a break for yourself.
As in most situations, different people need to hear different advice. Depending on who you are, you may already be overly owning or blaming your ADHD for your problems, or you could be ignoring its major subsidiary deficits and overestimating your ability to “just do it.” The important part is to truly consider that your default viewpoint could be wrong and take stock. At the end of the day, a lot of it is your responsibility whether or not it’s fair. You can’t get better by ignoring your problems and weaknesses, but neither can you do so by always submitting to them.
I needed to hear this! Thank you so much Dr. Barkley. You gave me the courage to seek treatment for my ADHD! It’s been a life changing experience and journey 😊
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯 Spot on. Thank you so much for this video. It needed to be said. No one owes you anything. Accepting reality as it is is the first step towards mastering your life and experiences.
I would like to add that owning it is the way to take control into our own hands. It’s the same with many other mental health disorders and life circumstances. People who blame others and don’t take responsibility unfortunately have very little control over consequences. Taking responsibility requires courage and belief in oneself but it’s the only way to get out of miserable life as hard as constant financial drama, substance abuse and homelessness.
I so needed to hear this and am looking forward to sharing it with my 17 yr old tomorrow. We just had a very similar conversation to this earlier today where he left feeling judged and misunderstood by me😢 Dr. Barkley you are Heaven sent❤ I am grateful for your videos.
the first half of my life (so far) was hell, the second was education and therapeutical work. today my life is as atypical as my brain, today i can finally fully enjoy being me. deciding for a life concept that matches with my system and for people who do not judge but appreciate me was liberating and helped healing from the many old wounds. ciao normative, hello life ❤
Dr. Barkley, this video really hits the nail on the head for me. I am currently getting evaluated for ADHD at 27 years old after a decade of denial and avoidance with regards to my symptoms. I still struggle with accepting that I am not a neurotypical person, and every once in a while I fall into the same old pattern of thinking that I am simply not as smart as I would like to be and that I am just trying to find excuses for that. It's really not easy to accept oneself in this regard. Especially if someone, like in my case, lives in a culture that barely recognizes the existence of ADHD. It will take a while to decondition myself from the accusations of laziness and intellectual incapacity that have been projected onto me since childhood. But I am determined to do it. Thank you for your videos, they have been a tremendous source of relief and understanding for me.
These are very important things to internalize as quickly as possible. Not only will you suffer less from the symptoms of the disorder wrecking your life by seeking treatment, acknowledging that it's a disorder you're always going to have to work around is very helpful in understanding that it's actually not a matter of character. We get so much condemnation, often from those closest to us, and it can feel like a value judgment that inculcates a crippling amount of shame. Even people with physical disabilities can experience that kind of unfair shade...so we need to always keep in mind how much harder it is for other people to discern our daily battles since it's an invisible disability. There's something very expansive and liberating in understanding that when that negative feedback comes in and wants to ignite shame and self-loathing that we can see the hostility for what it is: mistaken as to our intentions and the causes of whatever problem created that moment of conflict. At that point you can push the accusation aspect aside and think rationally that although the person is trying to make you agree that this event was a deliberate personal slight against them, it isn't, whether they're capable of seeing the truth or not. They don't need to see it, and although it would be nice if they did, you don't need them to see it to be okay, because you see it and you know the whats and whys far better than they do. Push the bit that they're wrong about aside and ask yourself if you're really the cause of their issue, and ask yourself if you owe them amends. In thar case, apologize, make amends. But take out the part where you vow to be better and promise never to do it again, because you won't "be better" and you can't guarantee you won't do it again. The possibility of reoeat offenses is just something they're going to have to accept about you, or end the relationshi. If whatever happened isn't your fault, ask yourself: well, despite the fact that they're mistaken and acting childish, is there anything I can do for them right now? Because if you are able to offer no strings attached help when they're having a bad moment, it is an extended amends for things you really did do in the past and a good way of showing them that you do value them, and it builds affection that will keep them close to you...despite the fact that they've really got you all wrong in some ways. Rejection sensitivity hurts so bad and honestly doesn't do anything good for yourself or others, it's ok to dismiss that shame and focus on repairing the damage in the present moment. You have to own your ADHD before you can get to that point.
My jobs have all involved organization - I new I was smarter than my performance indicated. I'm a smart cookie, but not organized. I'm now a 911 dispatcher and I'm great at the job, get paid fairly (in a big city), and do work that I love. The urgent nature of the work is more stimulating and engaging than any job I've had. It pays to my strengths and doesn't require use of skills that ADHD impairs. The only organizing I have to do is show up on time, which the medication helps with (first time in my life that I've shown up to work on time consistently!) I personally prefer not to disclose that I have ADHD. I do think it's a disability and it's deserving of accommodations, but you have to take into consideration whether your social environment is accommodating of that.
Very wise words! For me, understanding and accepting my ADHD has made all the difference! I’m older though (75) and I don’t have all the career, parenting, life stress, etc issues to deal with. My life is more under my own direction more than it’s ever been. But I have thoroughly researched ADHD, assessed myself, and made choices that are healthy for me. And learning from you was one of those important choices! 🙏🏼
Your brother’s approach to blame others for his circumstances is a very early learned defense mechanism. Likely a result of the greatly increased negative feedback ADHD kids receive as a young child in comparison to other kids their age. I’m not saying it’s adaptive of course, it’s harmful behavior for an adult, but it was almost certainly a survival mechanism to keep any kind of sense of self worth intact as a kid. So addressing this behavior as a ‘choice’ and another bad action he needs to take responsibility for is not an approach that ever would have helped and it is definitely not going to help anyone using this approach to inform their loved ones that they better shape up and take responsibility. It’s only going to make things worse and make you less likely to get through to them in the future. Compassion and getting them to self reflect and figure out what they want and how to make it happen in a way completely devoid of accusations is the only way to get through. Blaming others is just a way to self sooth to keep you safe from your internal opinion of yourself and others opinions of you.
As in many medical conditions in adults, that were acquired genetically pre-natally or in early childhood utlimately: "it's not your fault, but it is your responsibility to take care of it".
@@grzegorzp.1827 that isn’t exactly true. You have to live with it, but it’s not possible to ‘take care of it’. Which is the main problem with the stigma around ADHD. All the symptoms of ADHD appear to most people (including most people with adhd) that they can be managed and taken care of if you just ‘try hard enough’. But that is exactly the problem, they literally can’t or it wouldn’t be a disorder in the first place. Someone born with the inability to walk (or any other physical or mental condition) is never ever going to be able to ‘take care of’ the issue either. The best they can do is find a way to cope. This is true for ADHD too. The only difference is while its perfectly clear to everyone what is happening watching someone in a wheelchair frustratingly navigate a badly designed inaccessible entrance to a building, nothing is clear to an outsider when a person with adhd is encountering similar boundaries and is trying their best to make things work. For the person with ADHD struggling, this Always looks like laziness or stupidity to everyone. But that is not what is happening. This isn’t about shirking responsibility, it’s about understanding that fundamentally nearly every single person is trying to do the best for themselves. It is cruel to think this is not true for people with adhd too. People don’t give this kind of life is hard suck it up and take responsibility for yourself advice for really any other condition except maybe depression. And it’s because of this lack of understanding. I have pretty severe adhd but I take responsibility for my life and I’ve worked very hard to become a scientist with a phd. But all that separated my ‘success’ from someone else’s ‘failure’ in life is luck and circumstances. Sure over time people give up trying hard when they meet failure after failure but that’s perfectly normal. The point is that essentially everyone regardless of what disability or no disability they have, they are already taking responsibility for themselves in the best ways they are able to. I hope this helps.
@@GreenSharpieScience I think that every listener to Russel knows that simply trying harder or many other neurotypical advices isn't good for ADHD. This is not what I meant. We're living in 2024 and there is a ton of stuff about evidence based treatments for ADHD be it medication, psychotherapy.
@@grzegorzp.1827 that’s definitely true, it doesn’t always do enough to get rid of problematic symptoms but it can definitely do a lot of good for most. Thanks for clarifying what you were getting at.
Hey there, Dr. Russell Barkley! 😊 I just wanted to express my gratitude for all your help. Since learning about my ADHD, I've been dedicated to researching and understanding it better to manage my life more effectively. 🧠 It's time to own it.
I really agree with this. I think you need to accept that you are likely to do things that others might find annoying (like forgetting things or lacking motivation) but change your mindset so you don't see this as a character flaw, but part of your condition. The next step is to not use these as an excuse, but use that self-awareness to adapt your habits and coping techniques to mitigate their effect. Once you have done that, you can ask other people to help you or make allowances, as if people can see you are doing everything you can to help yourself, they are much more likely to support you in doing what they can to help!
I have decided to stop telling anyone. Nobody cares about my strategies for adapting and coping, they don't understand exec. function deficit, designing a prosthetic environment etc. and if I start to explain it, their eyes glaze over. They tell me I don't have ADHD and I need to try harder. My friends cannot help me, and I should not expect them to understand or empathize anyway unless they also have it. I get what you're saying. I only found out about ADHD and got diagnosed for it a month ago, so I haven't shown improvement yet. People don't need to hear about what I'm doing to manage it right now, they just need to see results.
I have ADHD and I needed to be reminded of the facts. It did remind me how many people helped even if it didn't work at the time. We all just have to keep moving forward.
this one, I'm afraid, is probably going to hit differently across the generational lines. for one thing, when we changed to standardized testing in schools, specifically "teaching to the tests" schools stopped teaching kids actually HOW to learn, and that started maybe in the mid 90s? It was for sure after I graduated high school, maybe college. But those later millennials and certainly GenZ did NOT develop the kind of critical thinking, improvisational problem solving (e.g. "MacGyvering") skills until way later in life. in some cases, it seems, if at all. As a GenX, and female, I was for sure skipped in diagnosis. BUT, I did have that kind of "grab a screwdriver and take it apart" attitude, so despite a lot of struggling, falling down, trying again, I did develop systems on my own without even really realizing what they were (I didn't get dx until I was 50, thanks to concussion #4 + menopause). So I do kind of get some of the younger folks request for accomodations - time blocking, reduced distractions - because honestly, EVERYONE can benefit from that. but having seen more than one person insisting that no one should ever have to be on time for an appointment, never finish or even do take home assignments, interact with others civilly, develop impulse control, to the point they should be allowed to have an adult tantrum in public? no. that's infantilization. no it isn't your fault you have ADHD. it isn't your fault where you were born or to whom, either. but you CAN take responsibility for understanding more about the differences in ADHD brains, why certain states of mind or difficulties occur and make efforts to improve.
Appreciate the other points in this video , but I find it too cynical and individualistic to think that no one owes each other anything...we all owe kindness, understanding and support to each other, that's what the very concept of a society is based on. No man is an island, yes we each have the personal responsibility to take care of ourselves and own up to our actions as best as we can, that's part of being a good citizen, but everyone needs help and accommodations at some point, there's the saying that everyone will become disabled eventually unless they die young. Some may need more than others, but in a normal and good society, we wouldn't be placing all the blame on the individual when it's impossible to separate the individual from the environment they exist in - or, as Dr Sapolsky presents in his books, free will as is defined in the collective perception, does not really exist. Some could say that neurodivergent people accomodate neurotypicals all the time too. It seems too black and white, and honestly a symptom of the extreme kind of neoliberalism we are living in, to say that everyone is only responsible for themselves. I understand and can appreciate the point of taking ownership over one's life and that this video is made in a tough love style, but I think we all ought to be careful of the kind of mentality we are encouraging, lest we not slide into past ideologies of the "useless eaters". We have enough selfishness in this world - we cannot exist independently of our micro and macro environements. Everyone deserves to have the basic accommodations they need to live a decent life because everyone deserves to live a decent life even if they don't neatly fit into the mold of what this current (mostly ableist) system deems worthy of life, that's why wheelchair ramps exist - I hope no one here would tell someone in a wheelchair that their existence doesn't automatically entail receiving basic (not everything on a silver platter, but at least basic) assistance.
Very helpful. Thank you. I think another way of framing this is: 'Accept help' (eg treatment). Accept that you need help and don't try to be independent. In my case, when my spouse suggests that perhaps I should get ready to go out and once I'm ready, see if there's time left to read a book or go on my laptop, I often think that I'll just read a chapter or whatever and then get ready. Then I make us late for things. So in my case owning my ADHD is to admit that others (husband and adult children) can see better than I can where I'm going wrong.
Thank you so much, Dr Russ! It's tough but I truly needed to hear this right now. I'm late diagnosed and from South Africa (grew up too poor to get tested). A huge part of my struggle is accepting my ADHD and taking it seriously. My whole life I was told that I was just lazy and I had to try harder. Even after diagnosis, so few people around me understand anything about ADHD. So it seems easier in the moment to keep ignoring my ADHD and fall back on the old coping strategies I know - relying on anxiety, pulling all-nighters, lying, sacrificing my mental health and social life to catch up on work I procrastinate. Long-term goals? I don't know her. I need to actually accept this as the disability it is. I literally just submitted a half-done assignment because I procrastinated too hard. I'm letting ADHD sabotage my dreams. No amount of shame or wishful thinking is going to make me function "normal".
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Yes, dr.porassss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
Something you did not mention is that when you own your ADHD you learn about it and then adjust your surroundings to work with, not against it. I was diagnosed in 1982. My mom called working with your brain compensating skills. She helped me recognize where I have trouble and then either seek out the help I needed or figure out a way to compensate for what I lack. For instance, I use a lot of alarms because I have trouble with time. I don't use the crisper drawers in the fridge because if I don't see the vegetables they aren't there and they rot. I link things like putting something in the microwave and while it's cooking clean the counters in the kitchen. I do it without even being conscious I'm doing it. Is life still hard? For sure :) but I can function
I was only diagnosed at 50, just a few years ago... I just learned that if I take my socks off at night and fold them together they are easier to find in the morning! After a couple months of doing this its become a habit and I no longer have to toss all the blankets and clothes around the room trying to find them, wasting time. Small wins can be big.
@@katzrantz She was a special lady. I never realized how extraordinary she was until I had my own kids. The amount of time and energy it takes to support without enabling them is crazy. ADHD is no superpower.
Can you folks perhaps do a vid on why the Stimulants don't work on some of us with ADHD? From what I remember up to 20% of us do not respond to them. Thanks
YES! I have tried most meds, up the the highest possible level. I might as well be eating grapes, for all the good they do me. NO DIFFERENCE. Whereas for my child, a daily dose of 27mg of methylphenidate has been ~ quite literally ~ life-changing. Also.... If anyone has a link and time-stamp for the explanation about some of us getting no benefit from stims because we lack the enzyme that bonds to them (mentioned by @aybikeanacali8414, below), please drop it here! I'm not able to find it.
@@Handle8844 I have searched in UA-cam and Google Chrome for perhaps 7 years with zero results on why etc. I have asked the ADD/ADHD experts and zero replies. These stimulants are cheap and dirty versions of Crystal Meth and can be made easily by anyone with a BS degree.'Science degree'. Apparently there is an FDA approved Crystal Meth version that is used rarely/likely for us non responsive people. Can't remember the name though.
@@aybikeanacali8414 Haha I missed this. Thanks, This is first time I came across anything as mentioned.. Will look up and see if there are any workarounds.
I learned these lessons the hard way, and I recognize that this isn't unique. I want to say though, the final piece didn't click in was to get into psychotherapy. In therapy I had to BE TAUGHT to actually love myself. I hated myself and that was my normal. I was masking so much, my ego and my superficial presentation was my ID. It was a prison guard keeping me in line and keeping my flaws as hidden as possible. This eventually had to give and that's when I went into therapy, and the first thing my therapist taught me was to love myself, and it's a lot harder than it sounds after a lifetime being terrified pf being a f*ck up, and beating my self esteem to a pulp with criticism. BUT when I finally learned my lesson, to love myself, and that I would be horrified if I saw myself treating anyone else like I treated myself, I could forgive myself. When I could forgive myself, and not just stuff my feelings somewhere else, I could allow myself to make mistakes and to see all of my mistakes for what they were. I could finally learn from them, the real lessons. I learned what to fix and how to go about finding solutions to improving myself and making things as right as I could with others, or just doing better in the future. For me, I couldn't "own" anything until I could forgive myself for it, and love myself enough make life better for myself. It's at least as difficult to "just own" your ADHD as it is to "just pay more attention," like the world has told you all of your life.
If one is diagnosed with ADHD aged 41 and has other neurodivergent conditions such as dyspraxia, and perhaps has some autistic traits , they might have had a traumatic experience to get there . There are people who got degree or degrees with undiagnosed ADHD, they may have undertaken all the treatment available, but it can be hard to progress in life in their mid 40s. It is not the end of the world . Systems do not always work well , especially mental health services. It can be hard to get ADHD detected in adults.
For me, this talk was fine, I was raised to take personal responsibility for my actions and I don’t see any other way to be a good person in this world than to do exactly that - deflection, blame, victimhood, denial - I’ve done them all. But here’s the rub - I lived 6 decades with my condition entirely UNDIAGNOSED, in no small part because I was also by grace gifted with very high intelligence. As a result, for decades, my brain found workarounds that kept me functional, but geez - I look back at all of the lost potential of my life because I didn’t know what I didn’t know. This channel is such a blessing, I am owning all of it - BUT the notion that nobody owes you anything - couldn’t disagree more. We live in a society that is far, far, far from the level of justice and morality and care for each other, of which we are all fully capable. So yes, I take personal responsibility, but I also have no problem calling out BULLSHIT that is plain for all to see in this world - the level of inequality and unequal distribution of resources of our society is absurd. Many of us dedicate our lives to changing the world, because there is no more noble pursuit than to give selfless devotion to making the world a better place for the least of us. Be strong 💪, live your truth, and in your journey I say always demand justice, it is your birthright.
I’m going to take the benefit of the doubt and assume you meant well with the ownership part. But to realistically assess this, you have to ask why these neurodivergent folks that indeed succeeded in life are the exception to the rule. Being equally blunt, this video left a bad taste in my mouth. For a bit of context, I’m a 28 year old AuDHD that works with software development. While I can be independent, work on what I like, have my hobbies, support my loved ones, mask my traits and behaviors, and have resources to medications, that did not spare me of suffering from being outcast from my peers when growing up. Or rather, it didn’t spare me from verbal and physical abuse for my quirkiness, which I’m pretty aware that didn’t cause others any harm. Being flexible enough to go through teenage years to adulthood in social settings didn’t spare me from depression and constant anxiety in trying to fit in a mold of society’s expectations. While I did have support from family, growing up in Brazil, managing to learn a foreign language as a kid and fostering my curiosity in tech, I must say that I’m here not only because I “took responsibility” for myself, but because the circumstances that I was in have favoured me to get here. And I can’t help but relate and see how many other neurodivergent folks didn’t have the same circumstances and suffered way worse than I did. Blows my mind in saying that the society does not have any degree of fault for our outcomes when, at the same time, outcasts and pushes others away when they don’t fit or meet the absurd standards that themselves, neurotypicals, can’t even meet them. Blaming the world for mishappenings in life is not limited to neurodivergent: I’ve too seen neurotypicals doing the same thing, so does everyone else in this world. This discourse in “get over it/suck it up” is past due, and it’s about time for us to stop treating each other like opponents and give more compassion and understanding for the struggles we suffer. Is this unreasonable to ask for? Based on the comments, it seems to be the case.
Schopenhaur had the right idea. We are all prisoners in the prison of the world, for which we did not ask to be in. The only moral, ethical and logical way is profound and total compassion and understanding towards one another. All the -isms only seek to divide and make us easier to control and rob and those are why we are made to feel bad in the first place.
@@soccom8341576thank you for your response. Although we can only go so far in regards of empathy towards others, in a sense that “we can only see as far as our eyes can see”, we should definitely strive towards doing the best we have in our capacity to support and help each other out. Tough love or “gaslighting” our experiences in favour of sparing society’s role in our outcomes is extremely unhelpful, and this kind of rationale steems from a place of ableism and survivorship bias. I hope you’re doing well, take care! :)
Thank you for this, I felt the exact same way. How can we overcome what he says is a physical disorder, one that can't just be wished away, when we can't find the help we need?
I think you've missed the point slightly. I don't think Dr Barkley is saying that taking responsibility for yourself is the *only* way to succeed, but that it is one of many very necessary strategies of success. You get nowhere by blaming "society". Society is not an entity that can be held accountable, such as a person or organisation or a party may be. You can't change the past either. You may have been dealt a weaker hand than others due to autism and ADHD, but you still have to play that hand the best that you can. Not doing so will only lead to more failure. Having said that, if you're in software development then you're already doing better than the majority of the population. It requires a level of intelligence that is well above average, so you're probably a lot more intelligent than the average person is, and as a consequence, you probably earn a lot more than the median wage. Intellect is an extremely valuable neurological advantage in a world, or "society", that highly values intellectual capability above many other capabilities. Think about that in context when you bemoan the neurological disadvantages that your autism and ADHD brings. Would you swap your intelligent ND brain for an NT brain of average intelligence? Perhaps the hand that you've been dealt is, on balance, not weaker after all?
@@sirblew You keep saying that "blaming society"' is like cursing and pointing to the clouds, but I wonder if you can support the neurodivergent folks, especially the ones that has more impairments, and turn a blind eye to the flaws that society has in expecting "normative" function. I can't help you to understand if you keep seeing "blame"' as "yapping to the void"' instead of "identifying flaws in order to opt for accommodations". "Society is not an entity that can be held accountable" Well, it is. It's composed by human beings. By people like you and me. You cannot separate yourself from society if your words and actions has consequences on other beings, uncomfortable that it may be for your individualistic self. You can be held accountable for things that you do or say to others at some degree. "Not doing so will only lead to more failure" Lol, are you implying that people can only blame and not do something about it? Even if you think that someone is not doing something about, they are at some degree, even if you see it as "more failure". Stop making such assumptions and take the benefit of the doubt, like I did for Dr. Barkley. "Would you swap your intelligent ND brain for an NT brain of average intelligence?" That's another assumption that you're making, that I see ADHD/ASD like a curse, and maybe my discourse on my privileges has a fault on it. Again, this stems from the fact that I had better circumstances and better inputs while growing up. While the only thing that I can agree is that we must we willing to put some work in taking advantages of these said privileges: one cannot do it if they don't have it, even if they work harder and harder. To make it clear: it's not a curse, nor a gift. It's something that I have to live with, that's who I am.
I'm in a long queue for ADHD testing - my GP said I've got all the signs since childhood (frustrated my parents didn't deal with it back then!)....the GP did say though that because I'm a qualified accountant and software engineer, I wouldn't get treatment because I'm highly functioning - the only reason I got through any education at all was because I was frustrated that I couldn't even read a page of a book without rereading it - reading it again and again....no progress at all. So I looked up all I could on nootropics and other things. I stumbled upon modafinil and have self medicated on and off for 18 years now. I would like to get the proper medicine as I'm certain even the modafinil isn't working now but it did help me focus on many things to get a career.
Getting diagnosed at 32 with inattentive ADHD while my symptoms are getting worse due to being a full time working mother with a child also recently diagnosed with ADHD, seeing this video fills me with nothing but rage, impotence and grief. Accept what exactly? That despite fighting all my life to stay afloat, I’ve no one to blame, not even myself. All the gaslighting from family, friends, employers, teachers, professors, doctors all those years…everything was just circumstantial? WHY? And because of this, now I have a son who must suffer the same humiliation, helplessness, people-pleasing, betrayals, misunderstandings as I did? Had I known about my ADHD earlier I wouldn’t have had children! To pass this misery on… how to cope with this now? So I would appreciate that you don’t mock our situation when some of us perhaps spent half a decade not knowing what’s wrong with us and why we can’t fit in? We already experience a low self esteem and practically hate ourselves on a daily basis, we don’t need others to judge and mock us too - because many have already, it’s not helping. Solutions other than guilt tripping us would be more efficient!
It is, in part, the fault of others when the courts have to intervene to stop them abusing an individual with ADHD. Then, bear in mind that treatment for adult ADHD was not available until 2013, regardless of how desperately the individual sort help for their shortcomings. However, post treatment for both the ADHD and consequential trauma, the responsibility for what happens next lies solely with the individual, and rightly so.
For me I call this acceptance paradox “emotional acceptance”. It is all good and instructive to know yourself on paper, and rational responses to ADHD might work. Intuitively, emotionally is different. This takes time, to know what is going to happen on a much more intuitive stage instead of going through an instruction. These are your symptoms, they won’t go away, treatment alleviate them - for the rest of your life: this takes time. For me the more whole picture of this process is akin to the Five stages of grief model, famously known as Kübler Ross model.
I agree 100%!! Being diagnosed was such a blessing. I had the symptoms since forever, so the problems were always there but I didn't know why I was like that and had also no clue what to do about it. What worked for everybody else never worked for me, so what could I do. Since I know I have ADHD my life improved by a lot. Finally I knew why I was like that and what to do about it. Approaching my problems in accordance to my ADHD finally bring some relief and helps me!! My brother however: 1. did not seek a diagnosis, although he has even more symptoms than me, 2. blames everyone else for his problems, 3. does not believe his doctors. I pitty him to be honest, he's making his life harder for no reason. Thank you Dr. Barkley for your honest words and for your videos!!
This makes me want to cry. It feels like you're saying I don't deserve compassion or empathy or understanding. It reinforces everything I've told myself while I was undiagnosed, that I failed because I was deficient or inferior or just plain lazy. Those are incredibly harmful thoughts to have rattling around ones head on repeat. The video makes me feel so alone and hopeless, which I'm sure wasn't the intention but nevertheless it is the result.
I understand why this would have been hard to watch and I also see how upset you are. It is true that no one owes us anything but that doesn’t mean we cannot ask for help if we feel we need it. I think what he is saying is that we need to work with the people trying to help us and be the ones to take charge of our ADHD. Not that you are a bad person or deserved names or labels that are unkind. If life isn’t going well, look at what is in your control to change, and ask for help in the things that don’t. It doesn’t mean someone has to help you, but they may well do that anyway because they care. I recommend checking out the book Non Violent Communication if you didn’t already. Before reading it, a video like this would have hurt me deeply but now I just look to take away what is helpful for me from the video. I hope you find some peace from the upset you feel and figure it out in good time. It’s not easy but all we can do is try.
I understand why you feel that way - we all have a negative soundtrack in our heads from the negative feedback we were given as kids and we all have dysregulated emotions. What he’s saying is not about facing everything alone and is not about being deficient or lazy. It’s about making the effort to use tools that mitigate your adhd so you can function in society and have a better life outcome. There are lots of places where you can learn these tools and there is COMMUNITY, here and in other places, of people having the same struggles and trying to find the best tools for themselves too. You aren’t alone. You are not alone. But you ARE responsible for you. That’s all he’s trying to convey.
Two of your replies say "What he was trying to say" NO WHAT HE SHOULD HAVE SAID... I love all of his videos and this one just felt like he was speaking to his twin angrily, "the world doesn't owe you anything," and then he ends with, I don't have time for reading your comments. 🤔
@@lotusflower3613 yes, ‘what he was trying to say’ because I think what he was saying was obvious, but some people have taken it in the worst possible light, through the filter of their RSD and negative self talk. So what he was trying to say, which is a positive message about controlling your own life, is not what everybody heard. Also, he makes this content in his retirement, to give us a valuable reference library that we can use to help us control our own lives. I wouldn’t expect him to have time to read every comment.
I agree with the general premise of “stop lying to yourself” … but using Adam Levine (cheating scandals in 2022) and Justin Timberlake (DWI scandal from just last week) as two examples of celebs who accept/successfully manage their ADHD has got me laughing HARD
What a wonderful video. Each of us is responsible for our own growth and development. We must be accountable for our own actions. I find it very interesting that so many people are offended because they are called to accountability. Rather than doing some introspection and focusing on getting a plan of action, they choose to personally attack Dr. Barkley and blame their country, the doctors, their families, etc. Everyone but themselves is to blame. Some people choose to remain victims their whole life. I loved the video, but the comments made me sad.
One more thing that confused me for a long, long time: the meaning of "changing yourself" and "adapting". I thought changing meant learning to be like everyone else. But it actually meant learning how to be _abnormal_ in an acceptable way. Trying - and failing - to be normal is how I turned my life into a perpetual dumpster fire. Once I stopped trying to be normal and focused on solving specific issues in ways that didn't feel _wrong_ to me, the dumpster fire became much easier to manage.
Regarding "who's at fault" I partially disagree on the basis of what I do at work: I make sure edge cases work. Now, what if 10-20% of the population turns out to have a level of ADHD as opposed to what is now believed to be "just a kid every now and then"? And I don't suggest that people with ADHD giving up; I suggest that the educational system truly accommodates neurodivergency and teaches every kid to own their problems but understand their own limitations and their peers' limitations.
That’s words and no rhymes today! However, when I was a kid (no diagnoses then and certainly not for girls!) I often heard I’m ”impossible”. But that was my normal, I didn’t know to think and do otherwise, because it didn’t work. And even if I could define some issues in my investigation, there was a lot executive function issues coming up that I wasn’t aware of. As others already commented, You need awareness to identify what you may change, should change and what not. That’s a process. And I highly agree with your words: when you get help, be thankful! I would add: if you don’t get help, find your resources, like your channel!
Why would a rational person ever decide to not take ownership where they could? Is it because they want to avoid blaming themselves? Is it because they are 'lazy'? What does that even mean? If a person does think they are inherently lazy and blameworthy, is that more or less likely to motivate them to change? Personally, I've spent my whole life subconsciously believing everything is my fault, and it's just perpetuated my social anxiety, dread, and depression, creating a vicious cycle. Actually, when we believe ourselves inferior, we become subservient to others, which is the opposite of self-ownership. Most ADHDers are not narcissists and already have low self-esteem. If determinism is true, then people really are the product of their circumstance. Surely we should try to discern what we as individuals can and cannot control at any given moment, although, simultaneously we are part of the environment and deserve self-acceptance and understanding. I don't think people really listen to each other or have the safety to be vulnerable. Schooling, for example, is coercive and traumatic. Most children simply do not consent to schooling. We've made it too easy to point to others and say they're not taking responsibility when we have no curiosity about what they are really thinking and feeling. All that being said, I do think self-ownership and the idea that nobody 'owes you' are helpful. If nobody was around to tie your shoelaces, you're going to have to do it yourself, and it is your responsibility in any case. Though self-efficacy begins with a positive self-regard, does it not?
I completely understand the tough love side, but to say the "world doesn't owe you anything" when the world has no sense of true nerodiversity sense and they believe, oh everyone has a little ADHD, YES THE WORLD DOES OWE me something, accommodations. I understand I can't be late to work every day because I have time blindness, but I deserve accommodations legally. I had a hard time filling out my SAVE plan for my new school loans left after spending 20 years in school to be a special education teacher. I should and do have legal rights to get accommodations to help me read all the legal language I'm signing my name to. I had to advocate for myself, and someone stayed on the phone to read everything to me, if I had any questions they were on the phone to answer, so yes the world owes me accommodations just as a deaf or blind person get accommodations
There would be uproar if he said the same things about the bind, deaf, mentally challenged etc. For them, there is no question that they must be helped, and society has accepted this to be the truth of reality.
That's exactly the point though. As an invisible disability, under most circumstances, the world is unlikely to accomodate or even be understanding as it's just difficult/impossible for others to imagine what you are going through. Even for neurotypicals, owning your mistakes and flaws is the best first step towards positive change in my opinion, but this must especially be the case for ND individuals. You can and probably should still ask for help, but you can't expect it from people you don't have an emotional bond with (or give money to) because in general, only your close friends and relatives would help you without fully grasping what you're going through (unless the other person has ADHD as well).
You speak in idealistic terms, not realistic terms. You may think that the world owes you accommodations, but, until it actually delivers those, you will have to work within the bounds and expectations that it is now.
Addendum: there are some who need to hear this lecture, especially if it so happens that they are following all the popular Facebook posts telling people to turn away from those who don't jump right away to help them. This is an important lecture! But also, this is a conversation that can go all over the place. I think that how well we own our ADHD must be, and I don't know how it could be otherwise, at least partially based on our personality. Overcoming personality stuff requires great executive function, imo. Me, I dont have it. I can try till the cows come home, and I can't change certain things about myself. Now, I don't blame others, but the world is full of those who blame others, and some have ADHD and some don't have ADHD. It is heartbreaking what a person's loved one cannot or won't do on account of ADHD. I think some people need your lecture.This is a magnificent lecture! But it's not for all of us, imo. Love ya!
Finally a positive video, thank you! It is so important for us to have that same vibrancy we had as a child. It's just hard to heal from the traumas we experienced growing up, but it's possible.
If you were to insert other diseases, poor countries, etc., what he said would be scandalous. (“We owe you nothing! It’s your responsibility for where you are. You can kindly ask for help (which we won’t give you because you are at the bottom of our priorities).”) People with ADHD also have to constantly consider others’ needs and limitations and support them.
There's a pretty major implied idea in this video: "Results in life are mostly based on personal choice." This idea is flat out wrong. Place of birth is based on luck, genes are based on luck, parents are based on luck, early friendships are based on luck, hormonal systems and a thousand other potential physiological problems are based on luck. In short, luck is responsible for at least 99% of human outcomes. I would go as far as to say that determinism is the objective truth, based on what I've seen so far. I have yet to see any proof whatsoever that free will exists and thus change irrespective of outside and inner circumstances is possible. Quite the opposite in fact, there are many experiments done on people with short-term amnesia which show that given the same circumstances, they will make the same exact choice indefinitely. As such, blaming the sad outcomes that people experience on 'personal choice' strikes me as incredibly callous and cruel.
Dr. Barkley has dedicated his life to helping those with ADHD, so I believe his goal here is to empower people. But I’ve been following the free will ideas and I do feel you on this. The question is: do we look at the past and blame or do we look at the present and find solutions within the agency we have today? However limited it may be. It’s such a delicate line… thank you for saying this!
Until I went through menopause, Id spent many decades on a roller coaster of hormonal upheaval that, combined with adhd, left a wake of destruction in my path so I do agree somewhat with what you say...but I think what Dr. Barkley is getting at is that once you know your limitations you, and only you, have the choice to work with it, continue railing against it, blame others or bury ones head in the sand. I do realize some people havent enough compos mentis to improve their lot, but most do. Think this is why early diagnosis is so important.
This is why I am a follower of Dr. Barkley, take responsibility for your ADHD. Don’t blame it on anyone else, don’t accept excuses, see it as the problem that it is and solve that problem. As Ari Tuckman says in his book, ‘The Integrative Treatment To ADHD,’ - ‘the rest of the world does not care that you have ADHD, they care about you meeting your obligations’ Take responsibility for your ADHD and change your life.
It can be difficult to get ADHD detected , diagnosed , treated . 75% - 80% of adults do not know they have ADHD. In the U.K, the treatment is only medication, having other neurodivergent can make the situation harder , treatment is often only medication, the system is generally dysfunctional. To have a good outcome is much harder if one is diagnosed in their 40s and above , but not impossible. Some people will not take it seriously, at all . A good video for some people.
@@ALADDIN22091978 I agree with the later diagnosis really making that change hard. I was diagnosed at 50 with adhd and numerous learning disabilities. Upon becoming aware of these obstacles and getting medication, life became radically better but that past life with adhd undiagnosed wore me out and I cant seem to shake it. Its as if the patterns of failure and defeat are so entrenched that I often dont even recognize small improvements. I keep trying though.
Taking what you're saying at face value, I agree. However, I think your hard prescriptive approach here is at odds with your thesis. Taking ownership of one's ADHD necessarily means developing and asserting your own self-understanding and perception instead of allowing others to entirely dictate your identity. That's going to be an ongoing journey of balancing between extremes, and it will likely appear a bit clumsy or wrong-headed to outside observers who are merely observing snapshots of your journey.
It's not other people that are dictating your identity, it's literally who you are in a vacuum. Even if everyone on the planet suddenly died, you still have the symptoms of ADHD. There is no balancing here, it is just facing the reality of who you are due to how your brain naturally works.
@@dkdisme That's one way to think of it, but one's journey doesn't necessarily fit into a simple beginning, middle, and end structure. Taking ownership of one's ADHD is really one aspect of the developmental journey of self-discovery. The point in time when you receive a diagnosis doesn't necessarily correspond to the point in time that ADHD becomes significant for you in understanding yourself, so it's natural that you go through fluid phases of denial and acceptance as you attempt to figure it all out.
@@superlazyguy00 If everyone on the planet had ADHD, then no one would have ADHD because it is defined with respect to a norm. Identity is not developed in a vacuum and is necessarily negotiated through conversation and social interaction.
@@steampunk_willy Yeah, I get what you mean. I guess I don't really think there's anything you can do about your identity especially if it's a characterization of how your brain functions that isn't really going to change and if it's relative to other people. I see it as the same side of the coin I guess. You are a certain way and you understand it and do your best with it. I don't really see a conflict unless you're in denial or you disagree with how you are compared.
I guess I could consider myself as a work in progress success story. Diagnosed with ADHD in 5th grade. Struggling and behind in school and bullied to the point of moving schools. That turned into graduating with a Electrical engineering degree in 4yrs(very rare for EE). Now I've been working these last few years as a substation engineer. BUT.. ADHD often interferes and causing alot of personal troubles between relationships and just keeping everything together at the house. But one major thing I think would help me immensely is having my fiance better understand the constant little battles I'm fighting with ADHD How do you recommend trying to potentially educate a spouse or significant others about the struggles an adult with ADHD faces daily? I'll just ask straight up, I would love to see a compact video that encompasses the main aspects of how adult ADHD affects our lices constantly that's tailored to spouses and significant others would be so helpful. I can't thank you enough for all the much insight ive learned about ADHD from you Dr. Barkley. You've helped me immensely.
My sister is an analogue to your brother. Her own abandonment of responsibility does not stem from her mental illness so much as her personal values-- what she deems situationally acceptable behavior upon engaging in self-reflection. My peace with my sister's selective abandonment of responsibility stems from empathy. Every single day I engage with systems merciless to my weaknesses. It's been that way since I was a child. Your education far outstrips mine in the domain of this disorder so I think you have plumbed the toll the self-doubt takes. It does not just challenge a limited patience or a capacity for consequence. It has always felt to me that my decency and character were in constant challenge. That changed in the workforce but only by a little bit. Frankly I cannot blame my sister for selectively blaming the world. This disorder forces the feeling that something is terribly, privately wrong. The labeling of the disorder legitimizes these struggles, but the labeling should not be required. I should not need a clinical diagnosis to feel sane. It upsets me that doctors are required to make what I am feeling real. My struggles should not require mortality statistics to legitimize. It is wrong. Think of what it would be like if as my wife mourned her grandfather's passing, I went in my mind to statistics and aggregated testimonials and the functioning of the brain-- it would be ridiculous. Her own pain should be enough. The conflict-- the struggle to behave appropriately in environments requiring self-regulation-- it's enabled by a critical lack of empathy. An essential element to disruptive behavior is that there is not the patience for it. Sometimes this is absolutely justified. But often, it seems that there is a basic handicapping for leaders and peers to treat people as individuals. The responsibility that I have as someone marred by this disorder is to practice an empathy and respect for neurotypical folks' needs, and to expect very little in return. You yourself have practiced a similar flavor of patience throughout your career, and as you know, it's a gauntlet. The critical difference, I think, is in the choice to pursue a path requiring that patience. I hold a degree in mechanical engineering. I am a self-taught software engineer. Currently I work at a prestigious defense company. My career requires the exact self-regulation ADHD tends to obliterate and the skillset required to mimic the wieldable focus employed by my peers is nontrivial. I don't accept my sister's behavior. It is wildly irresponsible and harms those closest to me. But all the same I cannot blame my sister for refusing to accept a thankless responsibility, which I myself have had to accept, over and over, every day. I think in doing so I have become very strong but if I could find something real and tangible to blame that trial on, I do not think I would want to forgive it, really. Thank you for your work-- I don't see eye-to-eye with you on this, but your talks and research have made a measurable, positive impact on my life. I think when young academics look to understand what their work could accomplish, they should look to you.
Thank you very much, the things are really accurate, for a moment you might think that this is another criticism of an average teacher... but it's really not!, to take responsibility means to free yourself from being a "slave" to the one way of "everyone" and start walking on my own path
I dont understand why people dislike his approach to this issue. It's a hard fact that I have ADHD and my life outcomes have been and will be worse because of it. Our society worries way too much about not hurting people's feelings to the point where we're afraid to just say, face, and accept the basic truths of life.
plus, his is closer to the truth and science. I don't want to be lied to about my own disorder and any abstraction has the potential to lead you further and further astray, i rather hear the literal running theory than metaphors funded in pseudo scientific evolutionary pyschologyesque parables of hunters and gatherers
I think it’s less about what he’s saying and more about how he’s saying it. He’s very emphatic when providing constructive criticism and that’s off putting to some people - especially since people with ADHD receive more criticism (constructive and otherwise) than others. If the viewer can get past that (by not taking his tone personally) and listen to the words he’s saying, they can benefit. Some people struggle to get past it 🤷♀️ what can ya do
Our Society has been Wussified by the School System, Politicians, Hollywood, The Lying Media aka "News Media", and the pHARMaceutical Industry. Change the W in "Wussified" to a P.
Omg this is exactly what I needed to hear 🙄. Thank you Mr.Barkley 🙌🙌 After the video you made on Grief made complete sense! Question: how long is supposed to take grief before ownership? 🙏🙏 help please
I get owning it but what if you didn't even know you had it for 4 decades!? Blaming yourself exclusively is a heavy burden. Family, schools, and even therapists missed this time and time again. I was even put in the "gifted" program in middle school. I don't know how so many clinical psychologists would miss it but I imagine that has to be quite common, unfortunately. Their grad schooling must have a few holes, simply put.
Many good points here. But I would add a bit of nuance as well by saying that it doesn't mean we cannot engage in interdependence with people.
So many of my friends with ADHD have tremendous social trauma and are still in this colonial mindset of "I am solely responsible for everything in my life." It lands them often burned out, isolated, shameful, shaming others, counterdependent.
We are tribe animals and don't exist in a vacuum. Sometimes we can support each other and seek help in healthy amounts to push everybody towards the top, rather than fighting a rat race at the bottom.
Yes in the end we have to own our conditions, but it doesn't mean we have to face them alone.
did you watch the whole video?
I didn't even know I had ADHD until 2022 at the age of 36. Yet I have always lived my life with the idea that no one owes me anything and that I have to take responsibility for my actions and inaction. Those were taught to me by my parents from a young age. I may not be some big success story, but I live a good life. Better now that I am receiving treatment for my ADHD.
What if I own and accept my ADHD, but my family, spouse, insurance and clinicians cannot? I am seeking treatment yet my parents believe that medications are poison/ADHD is just a figment of modern society/going vegan will cure everything? What if my spouse thinks I’m blaming my laziness, lateness, and other character flaws on a concept called ADHD that isn’t really a thing? What about doctors that won’t prescribe stimulants due to excessive (and understandable) regulations and treat me like a drug addict? As a nearly 40-year-old woman these are the hoops I’m jumping through in order to try to heal myself after years of struggling in silence, because for women after all, everything is in our heads and we're just messy and lazy.
I hear you, and can relate very strongly to u. Let me know if you need any support like venting out to a stranger women who has experienced most of what u just said.
Watching this in a country where ADHD is still way less acknowledged and diagnosed, this somewhat personal perspective from Dr. Barkley seems a bit US centric. In Germany, the "excuses" and "denial of your ADHD" and "You can't have it because XY" are more likely to come from your health care provider. It's slowly changing, but that already leads to people claiming ADHD is overdiagnosed and medication is being overprescribed. At the same time, antidepressants are being prescribed like candy. Just saying, its more difficult to stand up for yourself, own your ADHD and get treatment in this environment. I was diagnosed with ADD this year at 34, but I had to fight to be heard and taken seriously.
Wie penibel war der Psychiater denn bei Fremdbestätigung deiner Symptome aus der Kindheit?
Habe bald meinen Termin zur Diagnose, komme aber aus einem Haushalt wo meine Eltern generell nicht an sowas glauben. Grundschulzeugnisse fehlen auch.
Habe Angst, dass der behandelnde Psychiater eine Diagnose deswegen generell verweigern wird, egal wie sehr meine Symptome ausgeprägt sind.
@@batataandshawarmalover Very detailed but fair. One report from elementary school had clear signs of ADD that met the criterion of onset before the age of 12, and we also did an interview with my mother to corroborate. But I've also heard from friends that in more obvious cases where hyperactivity and impulsivity are more outwardly present, just the school reports were enough.
I hear this in the UK too. It's everywhere.
@@batataandshawarmalover google the videos from prof. barkley that talk about how girls in the development phase (childhood - adulthood) don't necessarily show symptoms of hyperactivity. and there is probably a percentage of boys who are similar. make sure your doctor knows that, because mine didn't take it seriously enough.
@@Oneill117 I had symptoms of hyperactivity in childhood, now it's more so mental hyperactivity instead of physical like when I was a child.
That's not the issue though. The issue is that the diagnostic criteria requires outside confirmation of one's symptoms from before the age of 12.
If taken literally, which I have heard has happened to many people here in Germany, this means that the doctor will deny a diagnosis if you can't provide outside confirmation of your symptoms from childhood, ie they won't even consider diagnosing you regardless of how severe your symptoms are, and regardless of wether or not you meet all the other criteria.
This is a huge issue for me, because none of my report cards have any notes in them about my behavior in class (different country in childhood), and my parents, the only people who could corroborate my symptoms from childhood, generally don't believe in anything related to mental health except the most severe of illnesses (ie very severe things that can be seen from the outside immediately, and that make a person dangerous to others and to themselves).
Anyways, I'm not gonna assume a negative outcome before my appointment. There's a 30-50% chance the doctor at my appointment will be both knowledgeable and understanding of my specific situation (ie no report cards or outside confirmation). So the chances are fairly good. Even if this one isn't the best, I have a way of obtaining appointment fairly fast, and everything is paid by insurance anyway, so I'll be able to have a new appointment like every month until I land on a good one. Diagnosis process itself could be anywhere in the neighborhood of 1-3 months after finding a good one.
As someone who suffers with extreme severe anxiety I can totally relate to her. I would stop eating for days at a time as a punishment. I worry a lot about my life, everyone around me and pleasing everyone. It's absolutely crippling, so glad she got the help she needed, lovely young lady it's so sad that society has 1 in 3 people suffering mental health issues. I hope everyone seeks help
People need to realise that people with anxiety disorders have oversensitised nerves, it's not a simple case of manning up and getting over it.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about how mushrooms and psychedelics treats anxiety, but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Please, how do I reach doctor Greg?
He’s on the internet
Microdosing helped me get out of the pit of my worst depressive episode, a three year long episode, enough to start working on my mental health.
My ADHD is me. It's the only me I've ever known. I'm cool with who I am. Thank you for this.
Good work.
It's only part of you 🙂
Same!
I have pretty impairing ADHD. But I am also ‘successful’ in the normal sense, I have a degree in physics, a masters in pharmacology and PhD from the University of Michigan in physiology and have published in nature etc although my area is in stem cells and electrophysiology not adhd, but I’d certainly qualify as ‘successful’ in a normal way but I would ask you to read your list and pretend you’re talking to someone with down syndrome or someone with cancer or someone with essentially any kind other kind of impairing cognitive or physical condition. The things you list are true, life is hard and no one owes anyone anything etc. but it certainly isn’t empowering to be told that that’s how you need to learn how to cope with being impaired, just suck it up and ‘fix yourself’ so the rest of us don’t have to be annoyed by your life. This is not going to result in any positive change and worse it’s likely going to lead to the loved ones of ADHD people to doing harm to the ones struggling the most with their adhd.
It firstly assumes that treatment actually fixes ADHD and prevents the ‘bad choices’ that you are suggesting are responsible for the ‘sad’ unsuccessful lives many people with ADHD lead. But it definitely doesn’t. For me personally it makes it just about to the level that I can mask when needed. But despite my intelligence, access to good healthcare and many other privileges, treatment has never been close to enough for me to come off as normal or prevent stupid impulses or talking too fast or chronic time blindness etc. you get the picture. And it has absolutely Nothing to do with me not taking responsibility for my life. Nor is that the case for those who have ADHD who have not been successful. It is not an issue of personal responsibility even though I know full well that’s exactly what it looks like from the outside. I think this is the most important concept that needs to change in the way people look at ADHD.
I know the kind of behaviors you’re talking about, my younger brother fit exactly what you’re describing. And the difference between me being able to pull of the pretense of normal functionality vs him is that his health insurance lapsed and he stopped being able to get his adderall in his 20s and he just kept going with life doing his best. Which is the point. Essentially everyone is just doing their best for themselves. He would get into financial problems all of the time by not paying bills on time and racking up late fees etc, he would be late to work etc many of the exact same problems I would have, only I could clean up the problems a little sooner and stay on top of the issues a bit better because of adderall and having a stable job.
My point is that there is NO difference between those of us with ADHD who have become ‘successful’ and those who haven’t except for luck and circumstances. All of the rest, the blaming others, not being able to make changes (like navigating health care and appointments two things which can be remarkably hard for someone with ADHD despite best intentions and necessity), the lying to make it seem like things are fine etc etc. everything you talked about your brother doing, all of that is just a defense for not being able to manage better. True, occasionally people with adhd fall for their own bs, but it’s always just bs. And when it’s not bs, its depression as a result of the seeming futility of life with adhd, and it is the depression which is stopping the changes from happening to reach a better state of functioning.
My point is would you tell someone with depression or parkinsons or whatever other conditions to not get upset with the way people treat you, or that your life like this is just a choice? No you wouldn’t. I’m sorry to say this but it sounds you’ve fallen for the common ADHD bs that adhd people often tell ourselves and others defensively to keep ourselves intact. It’s not real, the blame and the complaints on the system etc, the blame or complaints may be true or not but they are not in anyway interrupting the process of improving our lives. It’s not the cause of why bills don’t get paid or appointments get missed. It’s just a bs defense against our own overly critical thoughts that were born out of everyone else’s continuous criticisms of us. And yes it annoys the - out of everyone around us listening to us complain when they (and we) can very obviously see what went wrong and had we just not been adhd making adhd problems for ourselves as always that we wouldn’t be in this mess. I do know people with adhd who start to believe their own bs and all of the anger they have towards themselves gets an outlet to go to, but it’s a coping mechanism, from trauma essentially. It’s not the adhd that is doing that, it’s the trauma response. That needs to be addressed separately from the adhd.
Owning our differences and knowing ourselves allows us to make sure we can figure out the right hacks to get things done better and function better in our societal structure. But there is absolutely cause to complain about how we are treated, and the schools and works environments do need to change if we want a functional society that doesn’t outcast members who are different. Ableism is no different than racism or sexism. And while it remains true that no one owes women or minorities anything either, how about we take the moral stand and focus the anger and disappointment you have towards those like your brother and mine and focus it on those not living up to an equitable social contract. And instead let those with ADHD know that yes the system is rigged against us in some very significant ways. And work to undo the defensive trauma responses that are actually the problem as a result of society’s wrongs. From that point the person with adhd can stop getting caught up as much and know in themselves that they aren’t inherently a failure of a human that it’s not because they are lazy or stupid etc. Empowerment will work a million times better than the suck it up and face it life is hard method I promise you.
Thank you for writing this. I too am "successful", and with the added challenge of being a single mother with two teens (one quite violent) who both have ADHD. I own it. I research it. I advocate for it. I treat myself and my children (again, because I am "successful" and have a job with insurance and thus accesses to treatments). But the world IS NOT MADE for us. I used to think I was broken but I've worked hard to get "fixed" and I know understand the truth: we don't fit into this world as constructed and this world isn't interested in being reconstructed to one that is more aligned with the equity and understanding you argue is needed.
Yes! Thank you. Well said. I was diagnosed very late in life. I tried my entire life to improve my self and my life. Own my mistakes and foibles. Self-help/improvement was my hyper focus. It still didn't matter. No one ever suspected that I was ADHD-I and ASD. The mask from childhood was so good it took decades to unpack. I am still unpacking. Things finally make sense, but it isn't any easier. I am still royally traumatized despite eventually getting education and training as a trauma information counselor and EFT Tapping practitioner. Now I am having an identity crisis and a ton of regret, even though I know that I did the best that I could do.
Thank you
I am quite taken aback by this video because it seems at odds with other things I've heard from Dr Berkeley. Saying that schools don't owe it to their students to accommodate their neurodevelopmental issues and that the students should be able to own it and deal with it themselves seems ludicrous.
Additionally, thinking of the ADHD successes listed, I believe that some people are successful because of their ADHD, not just in spite of it- by this I mean that being wired differently is who we are, it's not just the problems we develop as a result. We may be driven to find something more rewarding (like a sport for example) than an NT person. We might be more prepared to take the risks required to pursue something like a musical career. I don't think adhd should only be seen as the negative symptoms as though they are unrelated to the person's strengths.
I agree that support and luck is a big differentiator between those who are successful enough to be able to mitigate for their symptoms and those who can't. With the example of you and your brother it's really clear how there is a feedback loop that is very hard to break out of when things are going badly.
This is the most boomer video Dr. Barkley has ever done. We need to remember that people are product of their time. I agree with you that this is a terrible strategy, even if there's some pieces of truth in it.
Wow yes, thank you. Taking notes from your comment. ❤
Think the difference between me and Justin Timberlake is the access to good therapy and medicine. Here in the UK waiting lists are 5+years. Mental health system is BROKEN. So without appropriate support - it's sometimes difficult to see the wood for the trees.
Just take rEspOnsibiLitEEe for it Brooooo
Nobody owes you anything Brooooooo
I was diagnosed 2 years ago. Left with no treatment, medication or therapy. It's difficult trying to make friends with a new person. And re learn who I am.
@@batataandshawarmalover I am BRO🤣. How old are you 7?
Hence why I sought a diagnosis and why I listen to Russ. Doesn't always make it easy. Just like it's not easy for an alcoholic to quit beer alone with no professional support.
@@truth-hurts3089 I know. My comment was sarcastic.
The notion of "just take rEspOnsibiLitEEe Brahh" with regards to illness, and framing poor choices and life outcomes directly caused by having ADHD, as voluntary, or as something one is choosing to do, is an insane take I never thought I'd hear from Dr. Barkley after having listened to all his other materials.
I'm in Germany, so same issue with getting treatment. Half the psychiatrists don't even believe it's real, or that it only exists in kids. Appointment is very soon, let's hope for the best.
I obviously don’t know your financial situation, but if you can even just barely afford it I would seriously suggest going private. Having a formal diagnosis and access to medication will easily save you more money in the long run, let alone the profound impact it will have on your life.
I don't disagree with anything that's been said, but before you can own your ADHD you have to know that you have it. I'm only 6 years younger than Dr Barkley, and have just been diagnosed, after working out for myself that I must have it two years ago, and have not got the the stage where I'm getting treatment yet. Now I understand ADHD and how it affects me, I'm doing my best to take ownership. But I can't take all the responsibility for problems in my life, including those that were due to the actions of others, where my attempts to resolve things didn't work because I had no knowledge that I'm different to most people and need to deal with things differently.
And I'm already overwhelmed by the 13 years since I started to discover I may have ASD, that was diagnosed 5 years ago, and not understanding why trying to take ownership of that wasn't working. It's only now I understand it's a combination of ASD and ADHD, but I've got 68 years of damage and taking wrong actions to recover from. I don't feel bad about blaming others occasionally!
Buck up. (Cowboy up.)
I'm in a similar boat with age and discovery of my ASD and ADHD so late in life. It was partly through coaching mainly teenagers, some I understood their tangential thinking that left other coaches baffled then later finding out about their ASD and/or ADHD. Unlike my older brothers my childhood was a combination of neglect and being pushed to be independent (mother was expecting a daughter and after I was born was unable to have more children - found that out after she passed while I was in therapy for another childhood abuse issue and so many other weird things were coming up). As someone else commented I kept falling into lucky situations, a friends family took me in as I recovered from a drug addiction, I was more careful with drugs after that for a number of years as I denied my alcoholism but had many watching over me from the underbelly of society as I survived by legal and illegal means. I then met my to be wife and her mother saw something more in me than an older long haired hippy leather craftsman, over a number of years she encouraged me to find more stable employment via education. After a number of years as a mature student I found a position that played to my ASD and ADHD strengths, my last boss never caught on to my leaving information requests sitting on my desk for weeks until I came in one morning with an idea of how to solve it in ten minutes or so. Work colleagues some of whom may also be on the spectrum would remind me of the time and getting time sensitive things done, they also appreciated my ability to solve problems and my accumulated knowledge. Wife didn't suspect until after doing considerable research into autism with regard to a grandson, then she put it together - and she is now more understanding of my challenges.
Retired now but as my youngest put it I'm growing up to be like him and getting paid to alpine ski - just have to look after injured people on the slopes and get them down. Skiing has been a life long passion of mine suggested by a great aunt who very likely also had ADHD.
Yep. I am younger than you, but not young and just figuring out that I have ADHD-I two years ago and now realizing that I am ASD as well. I've spent my life trying to become a better person and failing at so many things. Not taking responsibility was never the problem. Not knowing what was wrong with me, why I was different, was the problem. Lots of therapy and even going back to school for counseling psychology. Becoming accredited for EFT Tapping. Therapists not understanding why I struggled, because my childhood was not any kind of typical traumatic thing, yet I have a lot of trauma. Finally figuring it out at 48. Too late the damage is done. I now have MS from a lifetime of trauma, striving to figure it out and not ever getting answers just struggling from one thing to the next. I tried to live a life with no regret after my husband died when I was 29, but now I only have regrets. It really sucks.
Same here! Worked out for myself 2 years ago aged 51 whilst studying for my BA Hons in Criminology. I love my ADHD because I love me and it's what makes me quirky!
Thank you for sharing this! Because he's essentially scolding us like we're being obstinate children and I'm over here like ah excuse me Sir I'm 38 years old and just realized omg I have ADHD and have been trying to figure out what's wrong with me and why I just can't seem to fit the mf mold 🤦 So way to try and shame someone for not being or doing well enough by society standards who is already wellllll aware of their difficulties.
🙄 Jerk
Dr Barkley, thank you for everything!
Educating myself about ADHD is perhaps the biggest step I’ve taken to cope with it.
I was diagnosed with combined type last year at 55 years of age. I felt such a sense of relief when I was given information and found out about ADHD. I wholeheartedly accept my diagnosis and everything along with it - it makes complete sense to me.
What I find slightly annoying is my friends and others who do not know me as well, is the “but everyone is like that” comments. No, they’re not - or they might be occasionally, but they do not experience the differences and deficits every day like someone with a diagnosis does.
I am not special in any way, but how I percieve life and react to it is different. I have always apologised for my behaviour and have been a people pleaser for decades. I walked away from 2 marriages etc., etc. etc
Yes, exactly
It was difficult to take responsibility for something I didn’t know I had until my late 40s. Something that I have been abused for my whole childhood. Fair enough once you know you have this condition, but for some of us we have had a lifetime of punishment for something we didn’t know we had. Sometimes the damage is already done.
The point is that you need to take responsibility once you do know.
@@sirblewand even if you don’t know you’re still responsible for your actions.
Blaming others is not a great way to improve a situation. But all in all, this goes both ways. If an ADHD person accepts themself as who they are, then that works best when others around them also accept them as who they are. And that goes for all people, essentially: people with ADHD, other conditions, and all sorts of neurotypicals too.
I guess there may still be ADHD people who are like your brother, Dr. Barkley, and who externalize their problems. And that is not acceptable, and a cause for more problems. But on the other hand, the ADHD people I meet tend to internalize their problems. And that often leads to problems like anxiety and its disorder, rumination and even depression. We know about these. And there is withdrawal from society.
We also know that other neurodevelopmental disorders are relatively commonly co-occurring with ADHD: dyslexia, dyspraxia, ASD, to name a few. These further limit the ways how these people can negotiate their way to a more successful outcome in society, and own their disorder.
And let’s not forget that the co-occurrence of some of these conditions has only recently, 11 years ago, been accepted and embraced by the DSM. People who had several of these conditions were at a complete loss to identify them correctly in themselves. Our “official” understanding did not reflect their reality … so they and people around them were essentially gaslit into seeking other explanations. (And I may very well be one of the affected people.)
To own our disorder(s), we need to know and understand them, and we need to know ways how to deal with them. These are not at all obvious, all the time.
In the end, I believe, all this comes down to good science, education and understanding … on all sides. (Hasn’t learning about our hard-found knowledge in general been a great tool to improve our ability to adapt?) I do imagine that we need to learn about the differences in people in schools. Because we all are the same, in many ways, but also different in other ways. And as we learn to understand and deal with these differences better, we can learn how to improve the situation for everyone.
One last comment about asking ADHD people to negotiate their way to a more successful outcome. I do not disagree … but the limitations in executive functions make this more difficult for people with ADHD. (There are other disorders, like schizophrenia or ASD, who also make this (much) more difficult, but for different reasons and in different ways.) All in all, I agree that people should try to make the best out of their situation … to the extent that they are able to do it. And as I wrote in the beginning, I also agree that people should stop blaming others, when the problems lie in their own limitations. But again, this also requires that people know their limitations and how to help them deal with them, and that there are opportunities for people who have limitations in central functioning areas like EF (for ADHD) or social abilities (for ASD), and so on. Medications can help, and sometimes they help a lot, and non-medical things can help as well … but they don’t make these conditions disappear completely.
In the end, I agree with what you are saying to the extent that people need to hear this when they are externalizing their problems and blaming others beyond measure and do not learn and accept themselves and work on themselves while having the capacity to do that. But I believe this message needs to be extended to society in general … there need to be accepting as well and provide reasonable accommodations. (This is often possible, even at low or no cost or at a net benefit … not completely without problems, but maybe with “better” problems.) Overdoing the “it’s you!” message leads to the problems of internalizing that I mentioned above. We need to find a reasonable middle ground.
(One example: if gay people still had to solve all their problems themselves, by “simply adapting” to society as it was, then we would not have gay partnerships and gay people would still go into unhappy heterosexual relationships to conform to societal expectations, with all the mental health problems associated with that.)
We need to remember that we, as a society, are best off when we are well informed and able to work together, in the best ways possible, as a whole and as individuals … rather than asking for the impossible.
Edits: for clarity, examples and more about my conclusion. Sorry, I felt I had to.
You forgot the most important point: DON'T BLAME YOURSELF!
ADHD is incredibly difficult to live with, especially without the proper support, and it is ok for people to struggle, and it is NOT their fault! I think Barkley hinted at this, but as someone who has worked with ADHD all these years, he should know the harm he can cause by not explicitly saying this. ADHDers have been blamed for everything all their lives, and they tend to absorb criticism like a sponge. Self-blame and self-hatred should probably be a diagnostic criteria at this point. Personal responsibility is important, but most ADHDers I know have plenty of it, but struggle with having a healthy sense of selfworth.
Final point: while I agree that the blame game is not particularly helpful, it seems hypocritical that ADHDers aren't supposed to blame the world for not accommodating their differences, when, meanwhile, the world constantly blames ADHDers for being different. Also, blaming others for ones own problem is hardly unique to ADHD; Have you ever watched Fox News?
The power games are pointless, but we are but actors in the theater of this reality, and some people just don't want to understand or have much to gain.
The neurotypical consists of mostly mild to major psychopaths. Their not having ADHD is seen as a relative advantage over you.
If you point out the inherent unfairness and violence of the real world, you removed the underpinning justification of why they have what they have.
The only moral way to tackle the issue is the formation of communities and organisations to state the truth.
We should seek solutions, not problems. Blaming may cause another never ending problem, instead of solution. I think it is false dichotomy to say: I will blame others or they will blame me. Blame game is rarely beneficial for anyone
@@soccom8341576 In other words, Magneto was right! LOL. Don't mind me. Just teasing.
But also we need to do our part.
how can you own it but not take the blame? I don't understand.
I grew up a pretty optimistic and happy kid, especially around 15-18 I had a growth mindset and the self-assurance that everything would work out in the end. I even attended an orientation for that Covey book you mentioned at that age. Not sure where things went wrong, but it became very hard to return to it despite logically knowing that no matter the circumstances, it is the only mindset that offers a positive path forward. I guess I just had one too many honest attempts to do what everybody says you're supposed to be doing and failing, that I gave up trying for a while. I am getting treated now, it's helping me do some things that benefit me and could make it easier to get back on my feet, but it still feels like I am lying through my teeth to rebuild my self-worth.
I relate strongly to your comment. Something that's helped me is redefining success. I congratulate myself on the completion of smaller tasks. At first this felt cheap, but recognizing that I'm managing my entire life now - with much less guidance than I had as a child! So I think child me simply couldn't have grown as much as he did without a lot of invisible, structural support. Such support is less common in adult life, though I think it ought to be.
@@blobberberry I appreciate your response. Could you explain a bit more concretely how you would congratulate yourself in the beginning to redefine that self perception of success?
Real
This video just hits different, it just looks like a speech coming from still not healed wound of brother. The tone is also different. Also, the success stories, we know, and you said it yourself in earlier videos, are in the minority, and that one should be realistic. Also, in a lot of places around the world (and a lot of people that are not in the USA are following this account, including myself) have extreme problems of finding any doctor or psychiatrist that "believes" in adult adhd, let alone that he knows how to diagnose. And to get a medication, is close to impossible, and in some places truly impossible. I understand everything that you said and the main message, but it's just harsh and full of anger.
This is more about your beliefs, than it's really about ADHD. I do share a lot of them, but as I'm not American, I can also clearly see that some are even culture here. In DK it's generally a firm belief that schools of course should be acommedating. It's quite more debated how good they are at it and how they should do it. And trying to raise above the culture.. well - I do agree with the world around also having responsibilities towards handicap. Any handicap, and ADHD is one. We as people have a responsibility for creating an environment that is acommedating where that is fairly easy to do. Where it leaves people strugling too much. It's not either or. It doesn't mean the we should not take responsibility for our self, but also employers should be accomdating. As they should be responsible towards the environment and diversity too. But of course we also need to do our part, and try to resolve what we can.
Thank you so much for your bluntness. There is such a flood of anti-medication channels here (don’t get me started on TikTok) that it’s easy for people to be sucked into the latest clickbait trends and never realize that meds are literally life prolonging for those with ADHD. Your channel is what got me to go for meds for my son instead of only using occupational therapy. I’m grateful for the research you share and link. I believe it will help my son throughout his lifetime. Thank you.
I have always been hugely in favor of taking responsibility for myself my actions, my decisions, etc. That's how I've raised my children as well. I have never, ever in my life enjoyed owning an issue of my own as much as I enjoy owning my newly discovered ADHD. (60; as yet not officially diagnosed) Nothing has given me as much gratification as to understand why I am the way I am, why I behave the way I do, and to finally work towards solutions to the problems that have plagued me my entire life. I have made so much progress in just a few weeks from owning this condition, doing as much study and research as I can, and setting up systems in my life to help me manage it. Also, I see how all of the wonderful positive ADHD traits are reflected, have always been reflected, in my life. More joy in understanding!
And thank you Dr Barkley! You have truly been a godsend!
It felt so hard to me to hear these words. I truly think that people withb ADH, including myself, need a bit more attention, caring and empathy. After watching this video I felt like I'm abandoned in a hospital of not-normal-people and I receive this words to my request of help to fix a bit of my life.
Everybody in this world needs more caring and empathy. But your condition, and mine, do not entitle us to extra empathy above everyone else. And we certainly should not be blaming or resentful toward the world for failing to provide it. Those are just self-defeating feelings, as Russ has explained.
Entitlement even when justified leads to disappointment.
Unless you have the ability to enforce it.
It's about being smart instead of right.
It's a lot easier for me to deal with my as ADHD as best as I could, then wait and expect the world to accommodate me. And fail until they do.
I would rather live my life with the best results I can.
We may have less control over ourselves.
But we still have more control over ourselves then control over other people.
Now I certainly appreciate empathy.
And I think we could should all be kinder and nicer, but I can't wait until everyone gives me that.
These are the words I wish Mr. Barkley had added. Just to say " the world ows you nothing" is a slab in the face of a person in need. Thank you for adding clarification. It's not about " don't bother the world with your problems" . It's about avoiding a victim - mindset to be able to take action.
@@DaveSmith-pm2yqThese are the words I wish Mr. Barkley had added. Just to say " the world ows you nothing" is a slab in the face of a person in need. Thank you for adding clarification. It's not about " don't bother the world with your problems" . It's about avoiding a victim - mindset to be able to take action.
@@katoptron6583 sometimes a tough- love approach is needed for people who refused to take responsibility for themselves. Kindness is a virtue but I am sure Dr Barkley has seen plenty of cases that don't respond to that. ADHD blunts our perception of reality so reality has to get tough.
When it comes to owning up to the decision to stay in treatment, I don't think it's fair to say you have to own 100% of that decision. There may be factors that suffer as a result of getting treatment, such as going into debt to afford therapy when you're health insurance is expensive, going into debt because of health care costs, or having utilities shut off because of wage garnishment in the case of filing for bankruptcy. To this one, the decision is still one of cost vs benefit, and the decision you make is yours, but there is a reasonable amount of blame to be put on those other factors. To this point, I would say to be mindful of whether you could've controlled those factors, and accept when you couldn't (don't take ownership, but allow it to be true without judging it or emotionally wresting with it). In other words, take ownership, but to the extent that you could control everything that you could, because there might be factors you couldn't control. I think it's okay to say "I had to stop treatment because I couldn't afford it; if only my health insurance made it easier to get treatment".
I have finally owned my ADHD!! Thank you! Dr. Russel! You are the man. And I'm not just saying this.
Hello, I was diagnosed with ADHD a few weeks ago (27M) and I'd like to share something I've discovered that helps me manage my condition. The basis for this was the recommendation to parents of children with ADHD that their kids take regular breaks to recharge the "working battery" Russell's referred to in the past, an idea I took and ran with for the sake of helping me feel less like a zombie while watching youtube or playing videogames, but I've found another benefit of doing this.
So I set a timer on my smart watch, regardless of whether I'm doing something productive or not, and take regular short breaks. Taking a short break, 3-5min depending on what you need (I do 20min on, 4min off) to recharge and refresh and maybe stretch a little isn't very hard to motivate yourself to do even if the activity you're pausing is very engaging. But once your break is over, it becomes easier to simply not return to that unproductive thing you were doing and choose a different task, like prepping dinner or recognising that the buss leaves in twenty minues and getting ready for that. It's a way to "cheat" your way out of perseveration behaviour. It doesn't work every time, but it's improved my ability to put entertainment aside in favour of more important tasks immensely.
As someone diagnosed last year age 47, I think it’s really important to fight against victim mentality whilst honoring your own experience. I found this video tough but helpful.
So many people just cant see it like this, I agree with you 1000% I am 45 , and have severe ADHD and was diagnosed last year. I had a horrific childhood but you know what I wont spend the rest of my life as a victim and blaming anyone else or my ADHD for the lack of success in my life. As much as it is to swallow an unfair pill, i am going to as there are no other options. Make the best of it or give up. I am not a quiter never ever!
Just to say " the world ows you nothing" is a slab in the face of a person in need. I would like to add some clarification. It's not about " don't bother the world with your problems" . It's about avoiding a victim - mindset to be able to take action to make your life better.
My ADHD makes me kind of bad at board games. I can start out pretty good, understand the rules, be scoring points, and then suddenly some impulse comes over me and I make a bad choice. Consequently, I rarely win. You would think that makes me less likely to play board games. Or that I wouldn't enjoy board games. But instead, over the years I've continued to play board games. At some point I realized this and I realized that the fun of board games for me was the act of playing, being together with friends, going through the journey of the game and having fun. The fun wasn't in the winning. So even though I'm not good at board games, if you want to say good is winning, I still play them and I will always play them.
Another thing that sometimes happens with my ADHD, is that I space out on things that are responsibilities that I shouldn't space out on. For example, I pet sit for friends. Most of the time this goes great. I try to adapt to my ADHD by making sure it's in my calendar and setting reminders and timers etc. But every once in awhile something happens and I don't do those things and I may forget. This happened recently when a friend went away for a weekend and asked me to watch her cats. When she got back from her trip she texted me to tell me that she was back and that was the first time I remembered that I was supposed to be going and taking care of her cats. Luckily it was just a few days so the cats were fine because she always leaves them plenty of food and water. I was mortified. I said I was so so so so so sorry. And she said they seemed okay and it was okay. And I sat with that for a little bit, and then I realized that it wasn't okay. So I said to her, "You're very kind to forgive me. But I know how I would feel if it was my cats." Because I didn't want to just leave it and have bitter feelings between us. I wanted to acknowledge that I made a mistake that had consequences. Luckily those consequences did not occur, but I couldn't just accept her forgiveness without at least acknowledging out loud that that could have been a lot worse.
honestly yes, this year has got to be one of the best so far cause i've taken accountability and i'm succeeding at it! accepting who i am and getting the help i needed was an ABSOLUTE must
This video does carry a lot of personal baggage. Speaking of his brother when he was younger, would the young Russel Barkley have given the same advice to his brother, than the Russel Barkley now? Successful in convincing the younger versions to act in a /better/ way? I don't think this video is good a good example in conveying the ideas or concepts that are meant. Take a break for yourself.
From the sound of his frustration, I'm guessing he did exactly that.
I agree
As in most situations, different people need to hear different advice. Depending on who you are, you may already be overly owning or blaming your ADHD for your problems, or you could be ignoring its major subsidiary deficits and overestimating your ability to “just do it.”
The important part is to truly consider that your default viewpoint could be wrong and take stock. At the end of the day, a lot of it is your responsibility whether or not it’s fair. You can’t get better by ignoring your problems and weaknesses, but neither can you do so by always submitting to them.
I truly think EVERYONE (with or without ADHD) should see this! so many good advices for life!
I appreciate this dose of honesty.
Many successful and famous people with ADHD say the same thing: life is hard, but you can be harder. Never give up. Do the best that you can.
I needed to hear this! Thank you so much Dr. Barkley. You gave me the courage to seek treatment for my ADHD! It’s been a life changing experience and journey 😊
Thank you for being brave enough to say the things that will actually help people lead better lives.
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
Spot on. Thank you so much for this video. It needed to be said. No one owes you anything. Accepting reality as it is is the first step towards mastering your life and experiences.
I would like to add that owning it is the way to take control into our own hands. It’s the same with many other mental health disorders and life circumstances. People who blame others and don’t take responsibility unfortunately have very little control over consequences. Taking responsibility requires courage and belief in oneself but it’s the only way to get out of miserable life as hard as constant financial drama, substance abuse and homelessness.
I so needed to hear this and am looking forward to sharing it with my 17 yr old tomorrow. We just had a very similar conversation to this earlier today where he left feeling judged and misunderstood by me😢 Dr. Barkley you are Heaven sent❤ I am grateful for your videos.
the first half of my life (so far) was hell, the second was education and therapeutical work. today my life is as atypical as my brain, today i can finally fully enjoy being me. deciding for a life concept that matches with my system and for people who do not judge but appreciate me was liberating and helped healing from the many old wounds. ciao normative, hello life ❤
Dr. Barkley, this video really hits the nail on the head for me. I am currently getting evaluated for ADHD at 27 years old after a decade of denial and avoidance with regards to my symptoms. I still struggle with accepting that I am not a neurotypical person, and every once in a while I fall into the same old pattern of thinking that I am simply not as smart as I would like to be and that I am just trying to find excuses for that. It's really not easy to accept oneself in this regard. Especially if someone, like in my case, lives in a culture that barely recognizes the existence of ADHD. It will take a while to decondition myself from the accusations of laziness and intellectual incapacity that have been projected onto me since childhood. But I am determined to do it. Thank you for your videos, they have been a tremendous source of relief and understanding for me.
These are very important things to internalize as quickly as possible. Not only will you suffer less from the symptoms of the disorder wrecking your life by seeking treatment, acknowledging that it's a disorder you're always going to have to work around is very helpful in understanding that it's actually not a matter of character. We get so much condemnation, often from those closest to us, and it can feel like a value judgment that inculcates a crippling amount of shame. Even people with physical disabilities can experience that kind of unfair shade...so we need to always keep in mind how much harder it is for other people to discern our daily battles since it's an invisible disability. There's something very expansive and liberating in understanding that when that negative feedback comes in and wants to ignite shame and self-loathing that we can see the hostility for what it is: mistaken as to our intentions and the causes of whatever problem created that moment of conflict. At that point you can push the accusation aspect aside and think rationally that although the person is trying to make you agree that this event was a deliberate personal slight against them, it isn't, whether they're capable of seeing the truth or not. They don't need to see it, and although it would be nice if they did, you don't need them to see it to be okay, because you see it and you know the whats and whys far better than they do. Push the bit that they're wrong about aside and ask yourself if you're really the cause of their issue, and ask yourself if you owe them amends. In thar case, apologize, make amends. But take out the part where you vow to be better and promise never to do it again, because you won't "be better" and you can't guarantee you won't do it again. The possibility of reoeat offenses is just something they're going to have to accept about you, or end the relationshi. If whatever happened isn't your fault, ask yourself: well, despite the fact that they're mistaken and acting childish, is there anything I can do for them right now? Because if you are able to offer no strings attached help when they're having a bad moment, it is an extended amends for things you really did do in the past and a good way of showing them that you do value them, and it builds affection that will keep them close to you...despite the fact that they've really got you all wrong in some ways.
Rejection sensitivity hurts so bad and honestly doesn't do anything good for yourself or others, it's ok to dismiss that shame and focus on repairing the damage in the present moment. You have to own your ADHD before you can get to that point.
Thank you for this important reminder.
My jobs have all involved organization - I new I was smarter than my performance indicated. I'm a smart cookie, but not organized.
I'm now a 911 dispatcher and I'm great at the job, get paid fairly (in a big city), and do work that I love. The urgent nature of the work is more stimulating and engaging than any job I've had. It pays to my strengths and doesn't require use of skills that ADHD impairs. The only organizing I have to do is show up on time, which the medication helps with (first time in my life that I've shown up to work on time consistently!)
I personally prefer not to disclose that I have ADHD. I do think it's a disability and it's deserving of accommodations, but you have to take into consideration whether your social environment is accommodating of that.
Very wise words! For me, understanding and accepting my ADHD has made all the difference! I’m older though (75) and I don’t have all the career, parenting, life stress, etc issues to deal with. My life is more under my own direction more than it’s ever been. But I have thoroughly researched ADHD, assessed myself, and made choices that are healthy for me. And learning from you was one of those important choices! 🙏🏼
Professor, I want you to know that in my heart you are an amazing golfer. Stay awesome!
Your brother’s approach to blame others for his circumstances is a very early learned defense mechanism. Likely a result of the greatly increased negative feedback ADHD kids receive as a young child in comparison to other kids their age. I’m not saying it’s adaptive of course, it’s harmful behavior for an adult, but it was almost certainly a survival mechanism to keep any kind of sense of self worth intact as a kid. So addressing this behavior as a ‘choice’ and another bad action he needs to take responsibility for is not an approach that ever would have helped and it is definitely not going to help anyone using this approach to inform their loved ones that they better shape up and take responsibility. It’s only going to make things worse and make you less likely to get through to them in the future.
Compassion and getting them to self reflect and figure out what they want and how to make it happen in a way completely devoid of accusations is the only way to get through.
Blaming others is just a way to self sooth to keep you safe from your internal opinion of yourself and others opinions of you.
As in many medical conditions in adults, that were acquired genetically pre-natally or in early childhood utlimately: "it's not your fault, but it is your responsibility to take care of it".
@@grzegorzp.1827 that isn’t exactly true. You have to live with it, but it’s not possible to ‘take care of it’. Which is the main problem with the stigma around ADHD. All the symptoms of ADHD appear to most people (including most people with adhd) that they can be managed and taken care of if you just ‘try hard enough’. But that is exactly the problem, they literally can’t or it wouldn’t be a disorder in the first place. Someone born with the inability to walk (or any other physical or mental condition) is never ever going to be able to ‘take care of’ the issue either. The best they can do is find a way to cope. This is true for ADHD too. The only difference is while its perfectly clear to everyone what is happening watching someone in a wheelchair frustratingly navigate a badly designed inaccessible entrance to a building, nothing is clear to an outsider when a person with adhd is encountering similar boundaries and is trying their best to make things work. For the person with ADHD struggling, this Always looks like laziness or stupidity to everyone. But that is not what is happening. This isn’t about shirking responsibility, it’s about understanding that fundamentally nearly every single person is trying to do the best for themselves. It is cruel to think this is not true for people with adhd too. People don’t give this kind of life is hard suck it up and take responsibility for yourself advice for really any other condition except maybe depression. And it’s because of this lack of understanding.
I have pretty severe adhd but I take responsibility for my life and I’ve worked very hard to become a scientist with a phd. But all that separated my ‘success’ from someone else’s ‘failure’ in life is luck and circumstances. Sure over time people give up trying hard when they meet failure after failure but that’s perfectly normal. The point is that essentially everyone regardless of what disability or no disability they have, they are already taking responsibility for themselves in the best ways they are able to.
I hope this helps.
@@GreenSharpieScience I think that every listener to Russel knows that simply trying harder or many other neurotypical advices isn't good for ADHD. This is not what I meant.
We're living in 2024 and there is a ton of stuff about evidence based treatments for ADHD be it medication, psychotherapy.
@@grzegorzp.1827 that’s definitely true, it doesn’t always do enough to get rid of problematic symptoms but it can definitely do a lot of good for most. Thanks for clarifying what you were getting at.
Hey there, Dr. Russell Barkley! 😊 I just wanted to express my gratitude for all your help. Since learning about my ADHD, I've been dedicated to researching and understanding it better to manage my life more effectively. 🧠 It's time to own it.
I really agree with this. I think you need to accept that you are likely to do things that others might find annoying (like forgetting things or lacking motivation) but change your mindset so you don't see this as a character flaw, but part of your condition. The next step is to not use these as an excuse, but use that self-awareness to adapt your habits and coping techniques to mitigate their effect. Once you have done that, you can ask other people to help you or make allowances, as if people can see you are doing everything you can to help yourself, they are much more likely to support you in doing what they can to help!
I have decided to stop telling anyone. Nobody cares about my strategies for adapting and coping, they don't understand exec. function deficit, designing a prosthetic environment etc. and if I start to explain it, their eyes glaze over. They tell me I don't have ADHD and I need to try harder. My friends cannot help me, and I should not expect them to understand or empathize anyway unless they also have it.
I get what you're saying. I only found out about ADHD and got diagnosed for it a month ago, so I haven't shown improvement yet. People don't need to hear about what I'm doing to manage it right now, they just need to see results.
Thank you for taking the time to post this.
I have ADHD and I needed to be reminded of the facts. It did remind me how many people helped even if it didn't work at the time. We all just have to keep moving forward.
this one, I'm afraid, is probably going to hit differently across the generational lines. for one thing, when we changed to standardized testing in schools, specifically "teaching to the tests" schools stopped teaching kids actually HOW to learn, and that started maybe in the mid 90s? It was for sure after I graduated high school, maybe college. But those later millennials and certainly GenZ did NOT develop the kind of critical thinking, improvisational problem solving (e.g. "MacGyvering") skills until way later in life. in some cases, it seems, if at all.
As a GenX, and female, I was for sure skipped in diagnosis. BUT, I did have that kind of "grab a screwdriver and take it apart" attitude, so despite a lot of struggling, falling down, trying again, I did develop systems on my own without even really realizing what they were (I didn't get dx until I was 50, thanks to concussion #4 + menopause). So I do kind of get some of the younger folks request for accomodations - time blocking, reduced distractions - because honestly, EVERYONE can benefit from that.
but having seen more than one person insisting that no one should ever have to be on time for an appointment, never finish or even do take home assignments, interact with others civilly, develop impulse control, to the point they should be allowed to have an adult tantrum in public? no. that's infantilization.
no it isn't your fault you have ADHD. it isn't your fault where you were born or to whom, either. but you CAN take responsibility for understanding more about the differences in ADHD brains, why certain states of mind or difficulties occur and make efforts to improve.
Appreciate the other points in this video , but I find it too cynical and individualistic to think that no one owes each other anything...we all owe kindness, understanding and support to each other, that's what the very concept of a society is based on. No man is an island, yes we each have the personal responsibility to take care of ourselves and own up to our actions as best as we can, that's part of being a good citizen, but everyone needs help and accommodations at some point, there's the saying that everyone will become disabled eventually unless they die young. Some may need more than others, but in a normal and good society, we wouldn't be placing all the blame on the individual when it's impossible to separate the individual from the environment they exist in - or, as Dr Sapolsky presents in his books, free will as is defined in the collective perception, does not really exist. Some could say that neurodivergent people accomodate neurotypicals all the time too. It seems too black and white, and honestly a symptom of the extreme kind of neoliberalism we are living in, to say that everyone is only responsible for themselves. I understand and can appreciate the point of taking ownership over one's life and that this video is made in a tough love style, but I think we all ought to be careful of the kind of mentality we are encouraging, lest we not slide into past ideologies of the "useless eaters". We have enough selfishness in this world - we cannot exist independently of our micro and macro environements. Everyone deserves to have the basic accommodations they need to live a decent life because everyone deserves to live a decent life even if they don't neatly fit into the mold of what this current (mostly ableist) system deems worthy of life, that's why wheelchair ramps exist - I hope no one here would tell someone in a wheelchair that their existence doesn't automatically entail receiving basic (not everything on a silver platter, but at least basic) assistance.
Very helpful. Thank you. I think another way of framing this is: 'Accept help' (eg treatment). Accept that you need help and don't try to be independent. In my case, when my spouse suggests that perhaps I should get ready to go out and once I'm ready, see if there's time left to read a book or go on my laptop, I often think that I'll just read a chapter or whatever and then get ready. Then I make us late for things. So in my case owning my ADHD is to admit that others (husband and adult children) can see better than I can where I'm going wrong.
Thank you so much, Dr Russ! It's tough but I truly needed to hear this right now.
I'm late diagnosed and from South Africa (grew up too poor to get tested). A huge part of my struggle is accepting my ADHD and taking it seriously. My whole life I was told that I was just lazy and I had to try harder. Even after diagnosis, so few people around me understand anything about ADHD. So it seems easier in the moment to keep ignoring my ADHD and fall back on the old coping strategies I know - relying on anxiety, pulling all-nighters, lying, sacrificing my mental health and social life to catch up on work I procrastinate. Long-term goals? I don't know her.
I need to actually accept this as the disability it is. I literally just submitted a half-done assignment because I procrastinated too hard. I'm letting ADHD sabotage my dreams. No amount of shame or wishful thinking is going to make me function "normal".
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Yes, dr.porassss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
Yes he is dr.porassss.
Can dr.porassss send to me in UK?
Absolutely, his offerings extend to global delivery, prioritizing complete confidentiality for individuals valuing their privacy.
Something you did not mention is that when you own your ADHD you learn about it and then adjust your surroundings to work with, not against it. I was diagnosed in 1982. My mom called working with your brain compensating skills. She helped me recognize where I have trouble and then either seek out the help I needed or figure out a way to compensate for what I lack. For instance, I use a lot of alarms because I have trouble with time. I don't use the crisper drawers in the fridge because if I don't see the vegetables they aren't there and they rot. I link things like putting something in the microwave and while it's cooking clean the counters in the kitchen. I do it without even being conscious I'm doing it. Is life still hard? For sure :) but I can function
I was only diagnosed at 50, just a few years ago... I just learned that if I take my socks off at night and fold them together they are easier to find in the morning! After a couple months of doing this its become a habit and I no longer have to toss all the blankets and clothes around the room trying to find them, wasting time. Small wins can be big.
I love your mum ❤️ that's top shelf parenting. Supportive and solution driven ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
@@katzrantz She was a special lady. I never realized how extraordinary she was until I had my own kids. The amount of time and energy it takes to support without enabling them is crazy. ADHD is no superpower.
Wait, people were getting diagnosed for ADHD in 1982?
@@mutazah would've been called ADD then, but yes. It's been recognised as a diagnosis since DSM II in 1968.
Can you folks perhaps do a vid on why the Stimulants don't work on some of us with ADHD? From what I remember up to 20% of us do not respond to them.
Thanks
YES! I have tried most meds, up the the highest possible level. I might as well be eating grapes, for all the good they do me. NO DIFFERENCE. Whereas for my child, a daily dose of 27mg of methylphenidate has been ~ quite literally ~ life-changing.
Also.... If anyone has a link and time-stamp for the explanation about some of us getting no benefit from stims because we lack the enzyme that bonds to them (mentioned by @aybikeanacali8414, below), please drop it here! I'm not able to find it.
@@Handle8844 I have searched in UA-cam and Google Chrome for perhaps 7 years with zero results on why etc. I have asked the ADD/ADHD experts and zero replies. These stimulants are cheap and dirty versions of Crystal Meth and can be made easily by anyone with a BS degree.'Science degree'. Apparently there is an FDA approved Crystal Meth version that is used rarely/likely for us non responsive people. Can't remember the name though.
He explained that on Stimulants video. They work via bonding to a specific enzyme, some people lack that enzyme hence it doesn't work.
@@aybikeanacali8414 Haha I missed this. Thanks, This is first time I came across anything as mentioned.. Will look up and see if there are any workarounds.
@@ethimself5064 I think they suggest non-stimulant medication but I don't know their names.
Der Barkley, Thank you for your contribution and commiment on ADHD.
I learned these lessons the hard way, and I recognize that this isn't unique. I want to say though, the final piece didn't click in was to get into psychotherapy. In therapy I had to BE TAUGHT to actually love myself. I hated myself and that was my normal. I was masking so much, my ego and my superficial presentation was my ID. It was a prison guard keeping me in line and keeping my flaws as hidden as possible. This eventually had to give and that's when I went into therapy, and the first thing my therapist taught me was to love myself, and it's a lot harder than it sounds after a lifetime being terrified pf being a f*ck up, and beating my self esteem to a pulp with criticism. BUT when I finally learned my lesson, to love myself, and that I would be horrified if I saw myself treating anyone else like I treated myself, I could forgive myself. When I could forgive myself, and not just stuff my feelings somewhere else, I could allow myself to make mistakes and to see all of my mistakes for what they were. I could finally learn from them, the real lessons. I learned what to fix and how to go about finding solutions to improving myself and making things as right as I could with others, or just doing better in the future. For me, I couldn't "own" anything until I could forgive myself for it, and love myself enough make life better for myself. It's at least as difficult to "just own" your ADHD as it is to "just pay more attention," like the world has told you all of your life.
Helpful to a point, but surely listing successful people with ADHD is sating we all have the same experience of it.
If one is diagnosed with ADHD aged 41 and has other neurodivergent conditions such as dyspraxia, and perhaps has some autistic traits , they might have had a traumatic experience to get there . There are people who got degree or degrees with undiagnosed ADHD, they may have undertaken all the treatment available, but it can be hard to progress in life in their mid 40s.
It is not the end of the world .
Systems do not always work well , especially mental health services. It can be hard to get ADHD detected in adults.
For me, this talk was fine, I was raised to take personal responsibility for my actions and I don’t see any other way to be a good person in this world than to do exactly that - deflection, blame, victimhood, denial - I’ve done them all. But here’s the rub - I lived 6 decades with my condition entirely UNDIAGNOSED, in no small part because I was also by grace gifted with very high intelligence. As a result, for decades, my brain found workarounds that kept me functional, but geez - I look back at all of the lost potential of my life because I didn’t know what I didn’t know. This channel is such a blessing, I am owning all of it - BUT the notion that nobody owes you anything - couldn’t disagree more. We live in a society that is far, far, far from the level of justice and morality and care for each other, of which we are all fully capable. So yes, I take personal responsibility, but I also have no problem calling out BULLSHIT that is plain for all to see in this world - the level of inequality and unequal distribution of resources of our society is absurd. Many of us dedicate our lives to changing the world, because there is no more noble pursuit than to give selfless devotion to making the world a better place for the least of us. Be strong 💪, live your truth, and in your journey I say always demand justice, it is your birthright.
I’m going to take the benefit of the doubt and assume you meant well with the ownership part. But to realistically assess this, you have to ask why these neurodivergent folks that indeed succeeded in life are the exception to the rule.
Being equally blunt, this video left a bad taste in my mouth. For a bit of context, I’m a 28 year old AuDHD that works with software development. While I can be independent, work on what I like, have my hobbies, support my loved ones, mask my traits and behaviors, and have resources to medications, that did not spare me of suffering from being outcast from my peers when growing up. Or rather, it didn’t spare me from verbal and physical abuse for my quirkiness, which I’m pretty aware that didn’t cause others any harm.
Being flexible enough to go through teenage years to adulthood in social settings didn’t spare me from depression and constant anxiety in trying to fit in a mold of society’s expectations. While I did have support from family, growing up in Brazil, managing to learn a foreign language as a kid and fostering my curiosity in tech, I must say that I’m here not only because I “took responsibility” for myself, but because the circumstances that I was in have favoured me to get here. And I can’t help but relate and see how many other neurodivergent folks didn’t have the same circumstances and suffered way worse than I did.
Blows my mind in saying that the society does not have any degree of fault for our outcomes when, at the same time, outcasts and pushes others away when they don’t fit or meet the absurd standards that themselves, neurotypicals, can’t even meet them. Blaming the world for mishappenings in life is not limited to neurodivergent: I’ve too seen neurotypicals doing the same thing, so does everyone else in this world.
This discourse in “get over it/suck it up” is past due, and it’s about time for us to stop treating each other like opponents and give more compassion and understanding for the struggles we suffer. Is this unreasonable to ask for? Based on the comments, it seems to be the case.
Schopenhaur had the right idea.
We are all prisoners in the prison of the world, for which we did not ask to be in.
The only moral, ethical and logical way is profound and total compassion and understanding towards one another.
All the -isms only seek to divide and make us easier to control and rob and those are why we are made to feel bad in the first place.
@@soccom8341576thank you for your response.
Although we can only go so far in regards of empathy towards others, in a sense that “we can only see as far as our eyes can see”, we should definitely strive towards doing the best we have in our capacity to support and help each other out.
Tough love or “gaslighting” our experiences in favour of sparing society’s role in our outcomes is extremely unhelpful, and this kind of rationale steems from a place of ableism and survivorship bias.
I hope you’re doing well, take care! :)
Thank you for this, I felt the exact same way. How can we overcome what he says is a physical disorder, one that can't just be wished away, when we can't find the help we need?
I think you've missed the point slightly. I don't think Dr Barkley is saying that taking responsibility for yourself is the *only* way to succeed, but that it is one of many very necessary strategies of success.
You get nowhere by blaming "society". Society is not an entity that can be held accountable, such as a person or organisation or a party may be. You can't change the past either. You may have been dealt a weaker hand than others due to autism and ADHD, but you still have to play that hand the best that you can. Not doing so will only lead to more failure.
Having said that, if you're in software development then you're already doing better than the majority of the population. It requires a level of intelligence that is well above average, so you're probably a lot more intelligent than the average person is, and as a consequence, you probably earn a lot more than the median wage. Intellect is an extremely valuable neurological advantage in a world, or "society", that highly values intellectual capability above many other capabilities. Think about that in context when you bemoan the neurological disadvantages that your autism and ADHD brings. Would you swap your intelligent ND brain for an NT brain of average intelligence?
Perhaps the hand that you've been dealt is, on balance, not weaker after all?
@@sirblew You keep saying that "blaming society"' is like cursing and pointing to the clouds, but I wonder if you can support the neurodivergent folks, especially the ones that has more impairments, and turn a blind eye to the flaws that society has in expecting "normative" function. I can't help you to understand if you keep seeing "blame"' as "yapping to the void"' instead of "identifying flaws in order to opt for accommodations".
"Society is not an entity that can be held accountable"
Well, it is. It's composed by human beings. By people like you and me. You cannot separate yourself from society if your words and actions has consequences on other beings, uncomfortable that it may be for your individualistic self. You can be held accountable for things that you do or say to others at some degree.
"Not doing so will only lead to more failure"
Lol, are you implying that people can only blame and not do something about it? Even if you think that someone is not doing something about, they are at some degree, even if you see it as "more failure". Stop making such assumptions and take the benefit of the doubt, like I did for Dr. Barkley.
"Would you swap your intelligent ND brain for an NT brain of average intelligence?"
That's another assumption that you're making, that I see ADHD/ASD like a curse, and maybe my discourse on my privileges has a fault on it. Again, this stems from the fact that I had better circumstances and better inputs while growing up. While the only thing that I can agree is that we must we willing to put some work in taking advantages of these said privileges: one cannot do it if they don't have it, even if they work harder and harder. To make it clear: it's not a curse, nor a gift. It's something that I have to live with, that's who I am.
I am sorry for your loss, Mr. Barkley.
Thank you. Very thought provoking, insightful and honest.
Thank you. I was just going off on another, "maybe this doesn't really exist," trains of thought. This video was perfectly timed.
A problem well stated is a problem half solved... Owing up can be that powerful
I'm in a long queue for ADHD testing - my GP said I've got all the signs since childhood (frustrated my parents didn't deal with it back then!)....the GP did say though that because I'm a qualified accountant and software engineer, I wouldn't get treatment because I'm highly functioning - the only reason I got through any education at all was because I was frustrated that I couldn't even read a page of a book without rereading it - reading it again and again....no progress at all. So I looked up all I could on nootropics and other things. I stumbled upon modafinil and have self medicated on and off for 18 years now. I would like to get the proper medicine as I'm certain even the modafinil isn't working now but it did help me focus on many things to get a career.
Microdosing red fly agaric mushrooms and a quarter of a modafinil tablet help me; it's a great combination.
Full frontal on personal responsibility! Thank you for calling a spade a spade.
Getting diagnosed at 32 with inattentive ADHD while my symptoms are getting worse due to being a full time working mother with a child also recently diagnosed with ADHD, seeing this video fills me with nothing but rage, impotence and grief.
Accept what exactly? That despite fighting all my life to stay afloat, I’ve no one to blame, not even myself. All the gaslighting from family, friends, employers, teachers, professors, doctors all those years…everything was just circumstantial? WHY? And because of this, now I have a son who must suffer the same humiliation, helplessness, people-pleasing, betrayals, misunderstandings as I did?
Had I known about my ADHD earlier I wouldn’t have had children! To pass this misery on… how to cope with this now?
So I would appreciate that you don’t mock our situation when some of us perhaps spent half a decade not knowing what’s wrong with us and why we can’t fit in? We already experience a low self esteem and practically hate ourselves on a daily basis, we don’t need others to judge and mock us too - because many have already, it’s not helping. Solutions other than guilt tripping us would be more efficient!
It's very different for us women!
It is, in part, the fault of others when the courts have to intervene to stop them abusing an individual with ADHD. Then, bear in mind that treatment for adult ADHD was not available until 2013, regardless of how desperately the individual sort help for their shortcomings. However, post treatment for both the ADHD and consequential trauma, the responsibility for what happens next lies solely with the individual, and rightly so.
For me I call this acceptance paradox “emotional acceptance”. It is all good and instructive to know yourself on paper, and rational responses to ADHD might work.
Intuitively, emotionally is different. This takes time, to know what is going to happen on a much more intuitive stage instead of going through an instruction.
These are your symptoms, they won’t go away, treatment alleviate them - for the rest of your life: this takes time.
For me the more whole picture of this process is akin to the Five stages of grief model, famously known as Kübler Ross model.
I agree 100%!! Being diagnosed was such a blessing. I had the symptoms since forever, so the problems were always there but I didn't know why I was like that and had also no clue what to do about it. What worked for everybody else never worked for me, so what could I do. Since I know I have ADHD my life improved by a lot. Finally I knew why I was like that and what to do about it. Approaching my problems in accordance to my ADHD finally bring some relief and helps me!!
My brother however: 1. did not seek a diagnosis, although he has even more symptoms than me, 2. blames everyone else for his problems, 3. does not believe his doctors.
I pitty him to be honest, he's making his life harder for no reason.
Thank you Dr. Barkley for your honest words and for your videos!!
Wish everyone could take on this message for whatever their issues are.
This makes me want to cry. It feels like you're saying I don't deserve compassion or empathy or understanding. It reinforces everything I've told myself while I was undiagnosed, that I failed because I was deficient or inferior or just plain lazy. Those are incredibly harmful thoughts to have rattling around ones head on repeat.
The video makes me feel so alone and hopeless, which I'm sure wasn't the intention but nevertheless it is the result.
I understand why this would have been hard to watch and I also see how upset you are. It is true that no one owes us anything but that doesn’t mean we cannot ask for help if we feel we need it.
I think what he is saying is that we need to work with the people trying to help us and be the ones to take charge of our ADHD. Not that you are a bad person or deserved names or labels that are unkind. If life isn’t going well, look at what is in your control to change, and ask for help in the things that don’t. It doesn’t mean someone has to help you, but they may well do that anyway because they care. I recommend checking out the book Non Violent Communication if you didn’t already. Before reading it, a video like this would have hurt me deeply but now I just look to take away what is helpful for me from the video. I hope you find some peace from the upset you feel and figure it out in good time. It’s not easy but all we can do is try.
Yes it felt like blaming and ableism to me.
I understand why you feel that way - we all have a negative soundtrack in our heads from the negative feedback we were given as kids and we all have dysregulated emotions. What he’s saying is not about facing everything alone and is not about being deficient or lazy. It’s about making the effort to use tools that mitigate your adhd so you can function in society and have a better life outcome. There are lots of places where you can learn these tools and there is COMMUNITY, here and in other places, of people having the same struggles and trying to find the best tools for themselves too. You aren’t alone. You are not alone. But you ARE responsible for you. That’s all he’s trying to convey.
Two of your replies say "What he was trying to say" NO WHAT HE SHOULD HAVE SAID... I love all of his videos and this one just felt like he was speaking to his twin angrily, "the world doesn't owe you anything," and then he ends with, I don't have time for reading your comments. 🤔
@@lotusflower3613 yes, ‘what he was trying to say’ because I think what he was saying was obvious, but some people have taken it in the worst possible light, through the filter of their RSD and negative self talk. So what he was trying to say, which is a positive message about controlling your own life, is not what everybody heard. Also, he makes this content in his retirement, to give us a valuable reference library that we can use to help us control our own lives. I wouldn’t expect him to have time to read every comment.
I agree with the general premise of “stop lying to yourself” … but using Adam Levine (cheating scandals in 2022) and Justin Timberlake (DWI scandal from just last week) as two examples of celebs who accept/successfully manage their ADHD has got me laughing HARD
The fact that they - rich, successful people - still struggle only supports Dr Barkley’s points about how real and difficult adhd is.
You beat me to the punch with Timberlake. Isn't it ironic?
What a wonderful video. Each of us is responsible for our own growth and development. We must be accountable for our own actions. I find it very interesting that so many people are offended because they are called to accountability. Rather than doing some introspection and focusing on getting a plan of action, they choose to personally attack Dr. Barkley and blame their country, the doctors, their families, etc. Everyone but themselves is to blame. Some people choose to remain victims their whole life. I loved the video, but the comments made me sad.
One more thing that confused me for a long, long time: the meaning of "changing yourself" and "adapting".
I thought changing meant learning to be like everyone else.
But it actually meant learning how to be _abnormal_ in an acceptable way.
Trying - and failing - to be normal is how I turned my life into a perpetual dumpster fire. Once I stopped trying to be normal and focused on solving specific issues in ways that didn't feel _wrong_ to me, the dumpster fire became much easier to manage.
Regarding "who's at fault" I partially disagree on the basis of what I do at work: I make sure edge cases work. Now, what if 10-20% of the population turns out to have a level of ADHD as opposed to what is now believed to be "just a kid every now and then"? And I don't suggest that people with ADHD giving up; I suggest that the educational system truly accommodates neurodivergency and teaches every kid to own their problems but understand their own limitations and their peers' limitations.
That’s words and no rhymes today! However, when I was a kid (no diagnoses then and certainly not for girls!) I often heard I’m ”impossible”. But that was my normal, I didn’t know to think and do otherwise, because it didn’t work. And even if I could define some issues in my investigation, there was a lot executive function issues coming up that I wasn’t aware of. As others already commented, You need awareness to identify what you may change, should change and what not. That’s a process. And I highly agree with your words: when you get help, be thankful! I would add: if you don’t get help, find your resources, like your channel!
Why would a rational person ever decide to not take ownership where they could? Is it because they want to avoid blaming themselves? Is it because they are 'lazy'? What does that even mean? If a person does think they are inherently lazy and blameworthy, is that more or less likely to motivate them to change? Personally, I've spent my whole life subconsciously believing everything is my fault, and it's just perpetuated my social anxiety, dread, and depression, creating a vicious cycle. Actually, when we believe ourselves inferior, we become subservient to others, which is the opposite of self-ownership. Most ADHDers are not narcissists and already have low self-esteem.
If determinism is true, then people really are the product of their circumstance. Surely we should try to discern what we as individuals can and cannot control at any given moment, although, simultaneously we are part of the environment and deserve self-acceptance and understanding. I don't think people really listen to each other or have the safety to be vulnerable. Schooling, for example, is coercive and traumatic. Most children simply do not consent to schooling. We've made it too easy to point to others and say they're not taking responsibility when we have no curiosity about what they are really thinking and feeling.
All that being said, I do think self-ownership and the idea that nobody 'owes you' are helpful. If nobody was around to tie your shoelaces, you're going to have to do it yourself, and it is your responsibility in any case. Though self-efficacy begins with a positive self-regard, does it not?
Owning it and not using it as an excuse is also crucial.
After this speech I am now totally convinced that I must take medicine for ADHD . THANKS
I completely understand the tough love side, but to say the "world doesn't owe you anything" when the world has no sense of true nerodiversity sense and they believe, oh everyone has a little ADHD, YES THE WORLD DOES OWE me something, accommodations. I understand I can't be late to work every day because I have time blindness, but I deserve accommodations legally. I had a hard time filling out my SAVE plan for my new school loans left after spending 20 years in school to be a special education teacher. I should and do have legal rights to get accommodations to help me read all the legal language I'm signing my name to. I had to advocate for myself, and someone stayed on the phone to read everything to me, if I had any questions they were on the phone to answer, so yes the world owes me accommodations just as a deaf or blind person get accommodations
There would be uproar if he said the same things about the bind, deaf, mentally challenged etc.
For them, there is no question that they must be helped, and society has accepted this to be the truth of reality.
That's exactly the point though. As an invisible disability, under most circumstances, the world is unlikely to accomodate or even be understanding as it's just difficult/impossible for others to imagine what you are going through. Even for neurotypicals, owning your mistakes and flaws is the best first step towards positive change in my opinion, but this must especially be the case for ND individuals. You can and probably should still ask for help, but you can't expect it from people you don't have an emotional bond with (or give money to) because in general, only your close friends and relatives would help you without fully grasping what you're going through (unless the other person has ADHD as well).
You speak in idealistic terms, not realistic terms. You may think that the world owes you accommodations, but, until it actually delivers those, you will have to work within the bounds and expectations that it is now.
acceptance was the hardest part.
Addendum: there are some who need to hear this lecture, especially if it so happens that they are following all the popular Facebook posts telling people to turn away from those who don't jump right away to help them. This is an important lecture! But also, this is a conversation that can go all over the place. I think that how well we own our ADHD must be, and I don't know how it could be otherwise, at least partially based on our personality. Overcoming personality stuff requires great executive function, imo. Me, I dont have it. I can try till the cows come home, and I can't change certain things about myself. Now, I don't blame others, but the world is full of those who blame others, and some have ADHD and some don't have ADHD. It is heartbreaking what a person's loved one cannot or won't do on account of ADHD. I think some people need your lecture.This is a magnificent lecture! But it's not for all of us, imo. Love ya!
Finally a positive video, thank you! It is so important for us to have that same vibrancy we had as a child. It's just hard to heal from the traumas we experienced growing up, but it's possible.
If you were to insert other diseases, poor countries, etc., what he said would be scandalous. (“We owe you nothing! It’s your responsibility for where you are. You can kindly ask for help (which we won’t give you because you are at the bottom of our priorities).”)
People with ADHD also have to constantly consider others’ needs and limitations and support them.
There's a pretty major implied idea in this video: "Results in life are mostly based on personal choice."
This idea is flat out wrong. Place of birth is based on luck, genes are based on luck, parents are based on luck, early friendships are based on luck, hormonal systems and a thousand other potential physiological problems are based on luck. In short, luck is responsible for at least 99% of human outcomes.
I would go as far as to say that determinism is the objective truth, based on what I've seen so far. I have yet to see any proof whatsoever that free will exists and thus change irrespective of outside and inner circumstances is possible.
Quite the opposite in fact, there are many experiments done on people with short-term amnesia which show that given the same circumstances, they will make the same exact choice indefinitely.
As such, blaming the sad outcomes that people experience on 'personal choice' strikes me as incredibly callous and cruel.
Dr. Barkley has dedicated his life to helping those with ADHD, so I believe his goal here is to empower people. But I’ve been following the free will ideas and I do feel you on this. The question is: do we look at the past and blame or do we look at the present and find solutions within the agency we have today? However limited it may be. It’s such a delicate line… thank you for saying this!
Until I went through menopause, Id spent many decades on a roller coaster of hormonal upheaval that, combined with adhd, left a wake of destruction in my path so I do agree somewhat with what you say...but I think what Dr. Barkley is getting at is that once you know your limitations you, and only you, have the choice to work with it, continue railing against it, blame others or bury ones head in the sand. I do realize some people havent enough compos mentis to improve their lot, but most do. Think this is why early diagnosis is so important.
@@MariposaRedimida Read Sapolsky's book - Determined.
You did not choose to have ADHD.
Could you briefly mention some of the specific studies on people with short term amnesia? I'm intrigued.
This is why I am a follower of Dr. Barkley, take responsibility for your ADHD. Don’t blame it on anyone else, don’t accept excuses, see it as the problem that it is and solve that problem.
As Ari Tuckman says in his book, ‘The Integrative Treatment To ADHD,’
- ‘the rest of the world does not care that you have ADHD, they care about you meeting your obligations’
Take responsibility for your ADHD and change your life.
It can be difficult to get ADHD detected , diagnosed , treated .
75% - 80% of adults do not know they have ADHD.
In the U.K, the treatment is only medication, having other neurodivergent can make the situation harder , treatment is often only medication, the system is generally dysfunctional.
To have a good outcome is much harder if one is diagnosed in their 40s and above , but not impossible.
Some people will not take it seriously, at all .
A good video for some people.
@@ALADDIN22091978 I agree with the later diagnosis really making that change hard. I was diagnosed at 50 with adhd and numerous learning disabilities. Upon becoming aware of these obstacles and getting medication, life became radically better but that past life with adhd undiagnosed wore me out and I cant seem to shake it. Its as if the patterns of failure and defeat are so entrenched that I often dont even recognize small improvements. I keep trying though.
Thank you for this video and your content.
a tasered monkey omg man you made me laugh so hard there😂😂😂
Thanks for being real and helping us live with this, this is incredibly useful❤
Taking what you're saying at face value, I agree. However, I think your hard prescriptive approach here is at odds with your thesis. Taking ownership of one's ADHD necessarily means developing and asserting your own self-understanding and perception instead of allowing others to entirely dictate your identity. That's going to be an ongoing journey of balancing between extremes, and it will likely appear a bit clumsy or wrong-headed to outside observers who are merely observing snapshots of your journey.
And that journey begins with self-acceptance and accountability.
It's not other people that are dictating your identity, it's literally who you are in a vacuum. Even if everyone on the planet suddenly died, you still have the symptoms of ADHD. There is no balancing here, it is just facing the reality of who you are due to how your brain naturally works.
@@dkdisme That's one way to think of it, but one's journey doesn't necessarily fit into a simple beginning, middle, and end structure. Taking ownership of one's ADHD is really one aspect of the developmental journey of self-discovery. The point in time when you receive a diagnosis doesn't necessarily correspond to the point in time that ADHD becomes significant for you in understanding yourself, so it's natural that you go through fluid phases of denial and acceptance as you attempt to figure it all out.
@@superlazyguy00 If everyone on the planet had ADHD, then no one would have ADHD because it is defined with respect to a norm. Identity is not developed in a vacuum and is necessarily negotiated through conversation and social interaction.
@@steampunk_willy Yeah, I get what you mean. I guess I don't really think there's anything you can do about your identity especially if it's a characterization of how your brain functions that isn't really going to change and if it's relative to other people. I see it as the same side of the coin I guess. You are a certain way and you understand it and do your best with it. I don't really see a conflict unless you're in denial or you disagree with how you are compared.
Don't wait for the cavalry to come and rescue you - you ARE the cavalry!
Profoundly pessimistic. Social darwinism.
I guess I could consider myself as a work in progress success story.
Diagnosed with ADHD in 5th grade. Struggling and behind in school and bullied to the point of moving schools. That turned into graduating with a Electrical engineering degree in 4yrs(very rare for EE). Now I've been working these last few years as a substation engineer.
BUT.. ADHD often interferes and causing alot of personal troubles between relationships and just keeping everything together at the house.
But one major thing I think would help me immensely is having my fiance better understand the constant little battles I'm fighting with ADHD
How do you recommend trying to potentially educate a spouse or significant others about the struggles an adult with ADHD faces daily? I'll just ask straight up, I would love to see a compact video that encompasses the main aspects of how adult ADHD affects our lices constantly that's tailored to spouses and significant others would be so helpful.
I can't thank you enough for all the much insight ive learned about ADHD from you Dr. Barkley. You've helped me immensely.
My sister is an analogue to your brother. Her own abandonment of responsibility does not stem from her mental illness so much as her personal values-- what she deems situationally acceptable behavior upon engaging in self-reflection.
My peace with my sister's selective abandonment of responsibility stems from empathy. Every single day I engage with systems merciless to my weaknesses. It's been that way since I was a child. Your education far outstrips mine in the domain of this disorder so I think you have plumbed the toll the self-doubt takes. It does not just challenge a limited patience or a capacity for consequence. It has always felt to me that my decency and character were in constant challenge. That changed in the workforce but only by a little bit.
Frankly I cannot blame my sister for selectively blaming the world. This disorder forces the feeling that something is terribly, privately wrong. The labeling of the disorder legitimizes these struggles, but the labeling should not be required. I should not need a clinical diagnosis to feel sane. It upsets me that doctors are required to make what I am feeling real. My struggles should not require mortality statistics to legitimize. It is wrong. Think of what it would be like if as my wife mourned her grandfather's passing, I went in my mind to statistics and aggregated testimonials and the functioning of the brain-- it would be ridiculous. Her own pain should be enough.
The conflict-- the struggle to behave appropriately in environments requiring self-regulation-- it's enabled by a critical lack of empathy. An essential element to disruptive behavior is that there is not the patience for it. Sometimes this is absolutely justified. But often, it seems that there is a basic handicapping for leaders and peers to treat people as individuals.
The responsibility that I have as someone marred by this disorder is to practice an empathy and respect for neurotypical folks' needs, and to expect very little in return. You yourself have practiced a similar flavor of patience throughout your career, and as you know, it's a gauntlet. The critical difference, I think, is in the choice to pursue a path requiring that patience.
I hold a degree in mechanical engineering. I am a self-taught software engineer. Currently I work at a prestigious defense company. My career requires the exact self-regulation ADHD tends to obliterate and the skillset required to mimic the wieldable focus employed by my peers is nontrivial.
I don't accept my sister's behavior. It is wildly irresponsible and harms those closest to me. But all the same I cannot blame my sister for refusing to accept a thankless responsibility, which I myself have had to accept, over and over, every day. I think in doing so I have become very strong but if I could find something real and tangible to blame that trial on, I do not think I would want to forgive it, really.
Thank you for your work-- I don't see eye-to-eye with you on this, but your talks and research have made a measurable, positive impact on my life. I think when young academics look to understand what their work could accomplish, they should look to you.
That’s a lot of judgement for your sister. I’m sure she really appreciates your holier than thou attitude, but keep on postulating
Thank you very much, the things are really accurate, for a moment you might think that this is another criticism of an average teacher... but it's really not!, to take responsibility means to free yourself from being a "slave" to the one way of "everyone" and start walking on my own path
I dont understand why people dislike his approach to this issue. It's a hard fact that I have ADHD and my life outcomes have been and will be worse because of it. Our society worries way too much about not hurting people's feelings to the point where we're afraid to just say, face, and accept the basic truths of life.
plus, his is closer to the truth and science. I don't want to be lied to about my own disorder and any abstraction has the potential to lead you further and further astray, i rather hear the literal running theory than metaphors funded in pseudo scientific evolutionary pyschologyesque parables of hunters and gatherers
I think it’s less about what he’s saying and more about how he’s saying it. He’s very emphatic when providing constructive criticism and that’s off putting to some people - especially since people with ADHD receive more criticism (constructive and otherwise) than others. If the viewer can get past that (by not taking his tone personally) and listen to the words he’s saying, they can benefit. Some people struggle to get past it 🤷♀️ what can ya do
Our Society has been Wussified by the School System, Politicians, Hollywood, The Lying Media aka "News Media", and the pHARMaceutical Industry.
Change the W in "Wussified" to a P.
Omg this is exactly what I needed to hear 🙄. Thank you Mr.Barkley 🙌🙌 After the video you made on Grief made complete sense! Question: how long is supposed to take grief before ownership? 🙏🙏 help please
I get owning it but what if you didn't even know you had it for 4 decades!? Blaming yourself exclusively is a heavy burden. Family, schools, and even therapists missed this time and time again. I was even put in the "gifted" program in middle school. I don't know how so many clinical psychologists would miss it but I imagine that has to be quite common, unfortunately. Their grad schooling must have a few holes, simply put.
“Nobody owes you squat” 🤣