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I might have watched this and commented on it before but it is so good that I can keep watching it over and over. When I calmly state my boundaries with my family or others like them they do whatever they can to get their way. It really gets down to accepting them as a Narcissist. I was walking the other day and I was hyping myself up to stand up for myself and all of a sudden there was a snake right next to the trail. At least 3 feet long. Yeah I screamed and jumped. I accept it as a snake and I have to take proper precautions to protect myself.
It's cool to hear a pastor talk about these things. I was raised by a malignant narcissist mother, who is also a "professed" Christian.....i say professed because her narcissism prohibits her from actually being obedient to God as she slanders, gossips, manipulates, envies, controls and holds grudges. And the worst part is how she used God to spiritually manipulate me, expecting me to always disregard myself and bow to her needs as the mother. But since God is good and just, He healed me and showed me it was never His will to be a slave to my mother. I've overcome codependency now for 4 years and nolonger am reactive. The hugest thing for me was when I became able to live without being offended in the face of insults. I no longer feel the need to explain or defend myself to people who don't matter to me. I watch these videos to help keep me reminded of things so I don't slip back into my old ways. Thanks, Jerry!
Star Luv Yes there is hope! Once I stopped regarding myself as a victim and took responsibility for allowing people to control me, I realized I had the power in my own life to choose to tell the victimizers to take a hike. We don't owe anyone who victimizes a darn thing. For those who love us, we owe them love in return.....but we don't need to be offended by abusers or put up with them. When we learn to stop absorbing guilt and walking in a false sense of responsibility to abusive people, we get free! Feeling sorry for abusive people is a way that we victimize ourselves....that false compassion keeps us bound to them. Narcissistic parents *demand our empathy* and demand we put up with never receiving any empathy *from them.* So we learn a pattern of always abandoning ourselves in favor of *them* and their happiness. Their happiness is not our responsibility....plus its a losing game because they will never be happy. Chasing their approval is like chasing the wind.
@@tessw9744 feeling sorry for abusive people is a way we victimize ourselves... So spot-on! I see this in my siblings who refuse to make my narc mother accountable for anything and instead for so sorry for her because she's 82... Meanwhile I'm the scapegoat forced to live with her at the moment a my life is pure hell..... who does my older sister feel sorry for... Yep! My narc mom. Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and encouragement they have uplifted me hugely and I thank you thank you thank you!😘😘😘
I love being alone ...infact I'm in love with myself!!! Don't get me wrong i love people with all my heart i have learn to love people from a distance because i don't know what they're doing behind close door ...
As an ACOA your videos are the best I’ve come across to both describe what I’ve felt with and provide help and resources on how to get the help I need. Thank you.
I over react when people give me suggestions or advice when I don’t ask for or want it so now instead of getting over reactive I say thanks for the suggestion . & that just stops it . It doesn’t mean I’m going to do it it’s just acknowledging it so they can think their advice or suggestions have been heard then they seem real pleased with themselves & important & that’s ok .
I'm starting to get it now, whereas alot of therapy methodologies focus on achieving the higher self by addressing our cognitive mind, you advocate for addressing the emotional mind which is tied to the emotional circuitry from our family of origin. When we work in transforming the role we play in that circuitry, we will eventually start to transform all other relationships and heal oir emotional brain which gives room for the thinking brain to thrive
You are exactly correct. Wow, you have such insight. Now trying helping others to understand this. LOL I'm trying the best I can. Thanks for watching Keshi.
You look well. Did you lose weight too, if so, that is also a good thing too for your health. You are a really nice man who is emotionally balanced and it's nice to know that there are men who can share true feelings and be as sweet as you are. Thank you for just being who God made you to be. Thanks for your honesty and telling some of your own struggles.
There are some people we have to stay away from, and learn to have very firm boundaries with. That takes time to develop. The problem with running away is that there will always be part of us that is scared, which is part of what the problem was in the first place. We were scared to stand up for ourselves and have a voice and feel we had rights and a right to those rights. If we can work on stepping in for ourselves as Jerry talks about we will start to feel so good about ourselves and finally like we are showing up for ourselves and that feeling and realization that that strength was in us all along is such a feeling of victory and accomplishment. I’ve been there too.
Priceless! Thank you for sharing your expertise and experience, you’re generous and compassionate. This is a multidimensional deep pool of wisdom and it’s overflowing with answers and solutions! Will listen again (and again) and will begin to apply some of the concepts immediately. Thank you so very much! God bless, enrich and sustain you.
Great video! My takeaway: Our "Reacting" response is more deeply rooted than most of us would think; in the lower, "reptilian" part of the brain. It is imprinted upon us very much like birds imprint upon their hatchlings. We must go back to that root to heal this "Reaction Response." Helpful things to maintain an awareness of: 1. Am I maintaining a separateness while also staying connected to the people I am around? 2. Am I observing more? 3. Am I listening more? 4. Am I able to validate the feelings/opinions of others without feeling the urge to escalate or mirror their same feelings back? 5. Learn tobdistinguish between FEEL vs. FACT
I had to leave my family more than a few times, but they find ways to bother me by calling, I block them and then, they come to my house. The guy in this video is not explaining real life. You have to leave your family and DO NOT react to their flying monkeys. Have no response as if you're dead inside. They want the reaction to make you look crazy. Act dead inside completely when you know a new game has started even if you left & they live near by.
My mother moved in with me when I was 30 without invitation . Her mother lived 2 doors down and wanted her to move in with her but she wouldn’t. 20+ years later after my many friends had left and I had finally given in to her and moved back to the town she owned a home. I bought it and completely remodeled and paid her cash using all my savings. When I FINALLY began to notice that she lied and she subtly put me down; blaming me for her unhappiness, etc. I did what I always did and nicely approached her about the need for changes in both of us as I felt the relationship was her expectations for me to always take care of my siblings and her… She agreed at the time but the living conditions worsened. Looking back I can see how she kept me from talking to my siblings with her controlling all the communication. In two years time my youngest brother, who was very close to me after we lost my younger sister at 18, went from thanking me for his never having to worry or interrupt his life because I had been always taking care of mothers physical needs, (cancer and her mastectomy) along with her emotional and financial need and wants to yelling at me for ruining mother’s life and being selfish, irrational, etc. It was unbelievable and yet once again I looked at where I needed to improve. Well, months after my middle brother and his wife moved in with us (he wasn’t working and I had gotten her a job at the school I was teaching, my life became unbearable. My brother was constantly mad at me about something with his wife (who was crazy I found out) and he knew was pathological liar. When he found out that the house was still in mother name as she “found out” she couldn’t sign it over (even after I bought it paying her more than it was worth) he got worse. After mother kept putting off my request for family meeting to address some issues . He got very upset when I came in to watch my weekly Friday night religious program. Although I’d moved my tv into his bedroom he wanted to watch it in the den. When I said something to mother all hell broke lose!!! She started yelling at me and backed my brother and then my sister in law. I tried calming her down Saturday morning by conceding to being at fault ( I knew I wasn’t but I didn’t like conflict and it was horrible yelling and demeaning to me). I just wanted it to stop. Well, it continued all weekend. I just left for periods going to the school. When I was going through some things that didn’t add up I found that she had been taking cash from my account. My brother was paying a few hundred to help with bills, and she was taking over half. I paid for everything and gave her $500-$750 a month on top of that. It honestly left me with $200 month. When I confronted her and my brother they just laughed and said I couldn’t do anything about it. They had agreed to it and would lie if I tried telling my other siblings. I lost it and hated that I said some horrible things to both of them. At this point I was told to leave or the police would be called. I had a little over $200 and no friends in the town we’d moved to 3 years earlier. As I backed out of the driveway I knew I had a choice. Return and lose the last tiny spark of myself or leave …getting myself back but knowing that I’d pay for it… Well, I never returned. My mother even went as far as sending the police to the school claiming I’d stolen my grandmothers rings (which she had given me) and a watch. Living in a small town it could have ruined my career… I walked out with a weeks worth of clothes, makeup and my meds. I was never allowed to return to get anything. She had my sister in law and brother throw some of my clothes in my classroom floor one weekend. She sold my things in garage sale or gave them to my siblings and their children. I’ve never spoken to my siblings since that weekend. They wouldn’t respond to my texts or calls. God provided everything I needed beginning with someone calling needing me to pick them up before I drove 2 blocks from the house. They asked what was wrong and offered me a place for the week. My parish priest was huge support and began helping me understand it wasn’t me…she was not who I thought she was… I got into a great counselor. My principal who had just been moved down from HS was unbelievably kind and did so much for me during the following 2 years when he retired. I’m now sitting here writing this without praying for God to take me each night. I’ve married and I have a &home. I’m still struggling with fear and anxiety but have gained back some self esteem and I can laugh now. My biggest QUESTION…. I do wonder if during those years and living with her (I was told she was a covert, malignant narcissistic who was a master manipulator) if it somehow changed my brain????? I was easy going. I could find the humor in nearly every situation which helped put it in perspective. I did not “sweat the small stuff”…. I’m definitely different now. I’ve had a few friends that I’d known since college come back in my life. They told me how mother very “kindly “ got them to quit visiting and calling… I had one very close friend stop one day and look at me after I’d gotten nervous about something…. Saying “my gosh, what did she do to you, Nancy, what kind of hell have you been in?? You have never been like this…where is your self assurance gone?? I’m just wondering…. I know I am not the same. I don’t know what to do about it…. I’m am glad I didn’t go back!! It hasn’t been easy the last 9 years and I am better… I’m still not myself
@nancyrolfe3033 I went to the movies for the first time in nearly a decade this weekend. A children's movie. I laughed til I cried, I was so surprised, it was so much fun. I've lost so much life, time and opportunity under the brunt of a narcissistic family system and marriage. I need to get back to who I was - a lover of knowledge and experience, movies and books, my hobbies and languages. I felt that part of me was gone but no, it's not true. It's up to us to put in the work to rekindle our inner child, our sense of self. There is still joy within you. You are much stronger than you know. Your family are the weak ones, the weak attack the strong. As time goes on, we will Become again. Become who we were always meant to be - me, a writer. You? Please let me know what you discover 🙏🏽 Keep the faith and Much love to you xx
It's so good to see you have your own channel. You and Rinda Hall's videos are my favorite. I've heard bad things from Mark Smith's ex clients on facebook groups, also I wasn't liking how much he was talking about himself most of the time so I unsubscribed from Family Tree Counseling long time ago even though I'd love to hear from you. I absolutely love your work! Thank you for being here!!!!
I can't begin to tell you how helpful this video (and the one on going without approval) have been for me. I've listened to them like 50+ times while I work. The message sinks in more and more, and I just keep maturing and feeling better and better! All areas of my life just continue to improve. Huge thanks!!!
Yes this is the problem I'm having.....some therapists just want to scratch the service and ask me why I feel a certain way when I am dealing with confrontation, like do I think I am being judged... and I try I tell them no, it's nothing conscious, it's like this fight or flight comes up and I have no idea why.
Thank you, Jerry. You are so correct in that our familys conditioning is so deep, it runs our lives until we start feeling the pressure, uncertainty that brings, we feel our Self arises from different space in us and we start acting and change the beliefs and then actions follow. indeed.
I think without quite realising it in the way I do now, I've always been deeply independent by nature: I have noticed looking back that every abusive tantrum my parents have thrown at me in adulthood has been substantially a reaction to not reacting to their bullshit. Thus we have the absurd situation where my supposedly terrible bullying consists of calmly stating boundaries that they don't like, quietly saying that no, I'm not going to do that or talk about that with you, and most of all ignoring foul behaviour, while minimizing contact; their epically tragic victimhood, on the other hand, consists of dictating orders, attacking my character with imaginary crimes I haven't ever committed, trying to set up little rifts between my wife and I that don't exist, screaming tantrums and vicious abuse. I have realised that a great deal of this is just trying to get me to engage in the drama. My point is that being non-reactive is not going to fix anyone but you. It may very well be that your very lack of reactive engagement will itself trigger tantrums, so be prepared for this.
Thank you Jerry! And I thought this ancient lizard brain is just a part of my unchangeable personality. I always knew how to observe and analyze myself but I never really managed to drop my reactiveness. At least not subconsciously. Now I know EXACTLY what to work on and feel very positive about changing myself. SUBBED!!
Thank you, so much Jerry! I discovered a whole new world of relationships when I started to gradually declare my self to others, manage my feelings and response vs react. Yesterday, I had a long conversation with my ex, with whom we couldn't make peace for ca long time, and whom I was labeling all sorts of things on order to emotionally distance myself from her (family staff). Thanks to the self-differentiation approach, we finally were able to find resolution and let each other be who we want to be and each be responsible for our feelings and also actions, even if they are uncomfortable to others. I continue to discover myself in all my important relationships by staying in contact and in balance, not running away as I used to before (family reactivity). A HUGE, thank you, Mr Wise, and God bless you!
It's difficult not to become reactive when you are being attacked and threatent on every front...even at home and family and people are promoting this on purpose ....it's just sick
Jerry thank you for making this video.. this video really helps me to understand the origin of my own over reactivity to others. I appreciate your knowledge and great ability to explain it with your own life examples really helps to apply it to my own life. I also appreciate the steps you give to help make changes. I will be "chewing " on this video for awhile to get every morsel I can to make changes in my "lizard brain". Your the best Jerry!!
I do appreciate your idea about we need to focus on thinking more instead of letting our feelings take control of us. However we must keep in mind that processing our feelings is extremely important and that could take a while. It takes a lot of work to basically feel and heal. But yes the point is we must Implement our brains and use our thinking modes and develop thinking skills in order to live a healthy mentally healthy life
Dear Jerry,Thank you for posting this video. I love your work because you are addressing self observation, in a very accessible , strait forward, practical way. You have encredible human humble inner ambiance which helps the audience to connect with your teaching. At least I fed hay way. Thank you for your hard work to help people. I am learning a lot from your videos and I’ve been e-mailing you as well. Hope that one day you will reply to my e-mails and I will be lucky to work with you on my own issues. In case you read this comment , please consider to reply to my e-mails👏🏻 As one of he previous commenters said : I will be watching and chewing on this particular video for a while! I hope with time to be able to apply tour tips in real life. God bless you Jerry and thank you again
Jerry, something similar in my life happened. I was still PERMANENTLY rejected by some family members because I did not want to sing at their son's wedding after a very long flight which I paid for myself to come to the wedding at my own time and resource expense. Never got even a positive acknowledgement of the tremendous effort it took for me to come from another CONTINENT to come to the wedding when I had very little money. Well, "Good riddance!" I say - as I believe it was used as an excuse to reject me.....perhaps simple evil on their part and now they were feeling "emboldened" to "express themselves". Son was getting married to a high official's daughter, and their "tails have never stopped wagging" with arrogance since then. And so they now treat the rest of the family as second class citizens. Eight years later they are still not speaking to me, and gossip evil things behind my back. Very childish. I have not engaged or entertained their "speakings" as they have never spoken to me with respect about the matter since my "No". I chose to focus on staying firm in my goodness and love for the family members who sincerely care about me. I no longer contact them.
how did your mother react when you refused to say the prayers? Did someone else step in|? That is a very good example how to be assertive with the narcissist. I did that once too when my narc mother insisted that I cut her hair, as I had done this before, even though not a hairdresser. She actually laughed when I said I wouldn't do it. She was sure she could persuade me to do this with her manipulation.
I am learning more from your channel and being encouraged. I 💝 thinking of pings as coming from my lizard brain! That adds truth and humor to the "wars and rumors of wars" that have gone on in there. Lately sometimes I feel a complete calm. It feels like a miracle to me when that happens. When I'm not obsessing or ruminating I can feel me. I will never quit this process of discovering who God made. I know I'm worth it. Slowly lowering my godless expectations of myself. That feels a lot better too. My lizard is learning how to relax in the 🌞! Thank you for being a voice crying out in this wilderness of emotional confusion.😍
I am learning (after listening to .Ross Rosenberg) to observe not absorb. Very hard with a particular narcissist but your video was very helpful. Thanks and God bless. A new subscriber.
@@Imma_Nutt Start over, run away, call it whatever you want. That pain stays with you for a good amount of time until you figure out how to overcome it. Even when it's been overcome you'll still have bad days. It fades into the background but it never truly fully goes away. But life does improve with time.
I would be happy if you put out some boundaries. Im not a paster here i'm a son and brother. No you tell them how you feel and stand your ground. If they don't understand its o.k. You might function higher than the other family members. No anger needed. Mother had a personality disorder. Thank you Ross Rosenberg. Observe don't absorb.
I feel like I am always nitpicked and it causes me to overreact. I feel like when I am too passive the anger just builds. I don't know how to have an inbetween reaction.
I'll SAY GRACE!!! 🙋 Abba Father, we love you too very much! And we still love our family even though we have an intense need to detach from them, and we do. We love others as we love ourselves, but ONLY In a HEALTHY way! Thank you for all the spiritual food you give us to nourish and heal our souls as well as the physical food to nourish and heal our bodies and all the insight as well to heal us from the inside, out. You make my❤blow up! In Yeshua's precious name Big Daddy, Amain!!! 🤗😙🙏🙌💖
When should one cut out a family member? I just did because they refuse to accept my boundaries and were causing me much distress. I could not take it anymore. I wish them well in my heart, but i do not want to deal with them on any level any more. I changed my phone number as well. Not easy for me to do this. But, I feel I had no choice. Very sad :(
@@BexnRN Thank you. I have been attending meditation classes and it is a miracle. Helps to calm and control the mind so it is easier to deal with stressful events and people. It is all about inner peace. xo
X2Y2 good for you! I’ve been dabbling in meditation also. It helps to stop the repetitive mind talk-mine is generally negative lol. Helps with some sort of feeling of control and not be mentally and emotionally jerked around.
I’m glad I found you today. I have been observing and berating myself on the relationship that is emerging with my 33 month old son. I’m yelling and I’m cold, I’m cut off from my feelings. I don’t want to be this way, I always envisioned a beautiful and loving relationship with him.. it has been for the most part thus far. But he’s becoming a person with a will. And I feel like a prisoner of who I am. Thanks. 🙏
kidsmoked ....My mom got controlled by her narc son. We didn't know anything about NPD. I was close in my assessment, but still so far. If only I knew to research NPD, I could have saved her and my younger sister a lot of turmoil. After my dad died, my older brother had his only barrier removed. I was living out of state and had no idea what he was doing. He literally called his (he was much older but wouldn't leave his free housing sanctuary) younger sister (16 years old) a bitch. She was doing nothing wrong. He also started controlling my mom by making her feel guilty about every insignificant thing. He lived virtually rent free until his mid forties since his tiny rent included food and electric and property taxes etc. that my mom paid. He was a narc. Now his emotional abuse to my sister led her running into the arms of the first guy who treated her nice while dating. Yep....a narc. I now know so much about human behavior since I have studied it for years after getting used by my self employed sales boss owner....a narc! Frankly, I am practically an expert on human behavior since I started analyzing everything about behavior since getting fooled by my boss 30 years ago. People are not "adults" because they reach the age of 18 and get that high school diploma. Narcs are so successful because society and the media never teaches us what's really important. In over 2000 local news shows, NPD has never been brought up. (Yes...I would remember) The news is owned by the top 10 grossing businesses in the world. It's no mistake millions more young adults will go through hell. The "news" is so silly reporting car crashes, house fires, and street crime EVERY single night! They know better but never change....just like narcs.
Happy to help! Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also, Please sign up for the upcoming workshop “Getting Your Family of Origin Out of You” Workshop Date: February 6, Saturday Time: 1pm EST - 5pm EST Zoom www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events [Even if you are not able to attend, if you sign up for this workshop, I will send you your own copy of the full workshop and the workshop notes]
I believe is fear they might become the family's garbage can like at school when someone is bullied, most of them take the side of the bully for fear of getting the abuse and they become enablers.
By accepting others can see your bad/cr@ppy behaviors and can point out and not gaslighting them as more/less reactive. And when one is not choosing you for your irresponsibilities (not talking about responsible mature and non-gamer ones who actually is more real victim), how to let them go.
Glad it was helpful! “Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist” Workshop Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time On Zoom Topics: The Illusions of the Narcissist The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists Living in the War Zone 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have And more… Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos. Q & A Role Plays Volunteer participation You will receive the recorded workshop You will receive the notes for the workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
Jerry, thank you from my lower brain. I work on those issues myself and highly value body work like massage. Do you have any recommendation how to connect lower brain to some part of body available for bodywork. I used to massage frontal part of brain ( lobe part of my face-3rd eye) and it made huge difference for my memory, emotional stability and ability to analyze. My father died from stroke happened in lower part of brain, i was told that blood vessels were worned out and very fragile. I wonder, if i'd knew it then he could live longer(i am a nurse). And yes, you look stunningly well. I think I struck gold when found your channel.
Well Jerry, you answered my message the other day about if I was a narcissist ( married to a malignant 26 yrs then married to a malignant 5 yrs ), and you said I was being reactive ( in my new marriage to a NON narcissist). We are constantly fighting, suddenly after 9 months of marriage. He says I have a passion for fighting. I certainly hope not !!! I guess I am reactive!! 1- Do you have other videos to help me with this? 2- Also you said this comes from my family of origin. Is there ANY WAY it came from the 26 yrs with the malignant narcissist?? I was married to him from age 25 -51 and was very physically and mentally ill when I left Blessings to you Sir
How funny because I was also married to one for 26 years. He’s very confused and liked to tell people bad things about me to anyone who would listen and help him be the victim he always played. This man was cheating with women my whole entire life and then acted like it was my fault and that I was the reason he had to leave. He’s just a manipulator and because of his job is very good at making others think poorly about me. I saw this too late and thought the world of him. Too bad he was the one who decided to not work on us. I really wanted us to work. But now see he wasn’t anything but toxic
My mother thinks I'm her husband. If i don't do something she gets upset & threaten me (calling 911). She blames me for my hurt. I have neglected some of my family members because of emotional and physical abuse as a child.
I am so sorry that your mother treats you like her husband, that sounds really hard to deal with! I have found the books "Emotional Blackmail" and " Who's Pulling Your Strings?" very helpful in terms of identifying the manipulation and then learning to be a tougher target for manipulators. I hope you can find a way to gradually pull yourself away from your mother and create more healthy separateness.
this seems good but I think it not realistic when your family is highly abusive. they will not accept your authentic self and nothing you do will change them or the system.
Because our families are still in us, we can learn to detach and become less reactive while staying in contact, it helps us grow up. Cutting off from our families can keep the family stuck in us emotionally. I am not saying to stay in physical contact with toxic, abusive, families.
I don't think anybody can go without "Love". Babies die, if they have to go without Love and affection. I am very "reactive". but learning how not to be, some people do it, as they know how to push my buttons. But I have called them out on it, so I don't think they will be doing it again in a hurry. And it is not just family that do it.
So nice of you Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also, Please sign up for the upcoming workshop “Getting Your Family of Origin Out of You” Workshop Date: February 6, Saturday Time: 1pm EST - 5pm EST Zoom www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events [Even if you are not able to attend, if you sign up for this workshop, I will send you your own copy of the full workshop and the workshop notes]
Thank you Jerry for this video. When im tired i seem to react more, usually im really quite easy going. I sometimes suffer from insomnia due to years of abuse so hence why i over react.
Jerry, you are one of those persons whose name describes them. Yanks have a relief pitcher named Holder. I knew RE agent named Bill and Sharon House. Etc.
While being authentic is so important, here do you draw the line between obliging every now and then as an act of kindness and cultivating that attitude versus choosing myself and my needs ? The Buddhist concept of wholesome goodness resonates better with me. Because alot of comments here seem to be about choosing one's own needs versus collective good? For example, ofcourse when you are not in the mood to lead prayers, you should be respected to make those choices. What about a special request on someone's birthday? Would you then be agreeable to oblige? That is the kind of thing I am referring to. I feel that it should be about flexibility and not forcing things but a general attitude of give and take?
Hi there, I'm a first time viewer, and am trying to get this, ... is it like our conscious brain as opposed to our subconscious brain ? The methods I prefer to use in my life are to respect the fact that some people choose to or unable to budge in the way that they think or feel, I try to accept it and come to terms of understanding that were all flawed in some way(s). I try to recite my favourite prayer daily,the Serenity Prayer God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. It's the best way I know to live.
After my mother's passing the family photo albums ended up with Sister #2. She has been holding them hostage from the rest of the surviving family. She will not give access unless and until we "get along" with her. I miss my mother dearly and long to see a picture of her. Sister #1 and father have considered the photos destroyed and have moved on. I am having trouble doing so.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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I might have watched this and commented on it before but it is so good that I can keep watching it over and over. When I calmly state my boundaries with my family or others like them they do whatever they can to get their way. It really gets down to accepting them as a Narcissist. I was walking the other day and I was hyping myself up to stand up for myself and all of a sudden there was a snake right next to the trail. At least 3 feet long. Yeah I screamed and jumped. I accept it as a snake and I have to take proper precautions to protect myself.
Jerry Wise, I love your community of followers who are working on becoming their true selves.
It's cool to hear a pastor talk about these things. I was raised by a malignant narcissist mother, who is also a "professed" Christian.....i say professed because her narcissism prohibits her from actually being obedient to God as she slanders, gossips, manipulates, envies, controls and holds grudges. And the worst part is how she used God to spiritually manipulate me, expecting me to always disregard myself and bow to her needs as the mother. But since God is good and just, He healed me and showed me it was never His will to be a slave to my mother.
I've overcome codependency now for 4 years and nolonger am reactive. The hugest thing for me was when I became able to live without being offended in the face of insults. I no longer feel the need to explain or defend myself to people who don't matter to me. I watch these videos to help keep me reminded of things so I don't slip back into my old ways. Thanks, Jerry!
Tess W wow... sounds almost like my own mother!
Wow this really gives me hope !
Star Luv
Yes there is hope! Once I stopped regarding myself as a victim and took responsibility for allowing people to control me, I realized I had the power in my own life to choose to tell the victimizers to take a hike. We don't owe anyone who victimizes a darn thing. For those who love us, we owe them love in return.....but we don't need to be offended by abusers or put up with them. When we learn to stop absorbing guilt and walking in a false sense of responsibility to abusive people, we get free! Feeling sorry for abusive people is a way that we victimize ourselves....that false compassion keeps us bound to them. Narcissistic parents *demand our empathy* and demand we put up with never receiving any empathy *from them.* So we learn a pattern of always abandoning ourselves in favor of *them* and their happiness. Their happiness is not our responsibility....plus its a losing game because they will never be happy. Chasing their approval is like chasing the wind.
@@tessw9744 feeling sorry for abusive people is a way we victimize ourselves... So spot-on! I see this in my siblings who refuse to make my narc mother accountable for anything and instead for so sorry for her because she's 82... Meanwhile I'm the scapegoat forced to live with her at the moment a my life is pure hell..... who does my older sister feel sorry for... Yep! My narc mom.
Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and encouragement they have uplifted me hugely and I thank you thank you thank you!😘😘😘
whoa...this description is so fitting of my mother...:/
I'm ok,with being alone,rather than being with someone who calls me names ,belittles me and looks down on and tells me that's love.
I love being alone ...infact I'm in love with myself!!! Don't get me wrong i love people with all my heart i have learn to love people from a distance because i don't know what they're doing behind close door ...
instablaster
Same. I rather be alone than with ppl that treat me wrong and then go around and say they know what's best for me.
As an ACOA your videos are the best I’ve come across to both describe what I’ve felt with and provide help and resources on how to get the help I need. Thank you.
this was very helpful because sometimes i blow up unexpectedly and people are flabbergasted .
haha yes the 0 - 60 thing
😂😂😂 I'm sorry it's the flabbergastation for me.
Just discovered Jerry Wise and I’m LOVING his wisdom. I’m not sure how I missed his videos on YT after all this time.
Welcome to the family Kathleen, I'm glad you're loving my videos!
I over react when people give me suggestions or advice when I don’t ask for or want it so now instead of getting over reactive I say thanks for the suggestion .
& that just stops it . It doesn’t mean I’m going to do it it’s just acknowledging it so they can think their advice or suggestions have been heard then they seem real pleased with themselves & important & that’s ok .
Yes that’s you being defensive and assuming they are saying you don’t know what you are doing.
@@Amy.Munson34 i love giving advice and I never looked at it that way 🤔 I wish someone can give me advice lol
Listening to your videos made me lose my insomnia. Thank God for you Jerry Wise.
For some reason I’ve had to watch this multiple times. My stubborn head needs a reminder!
I'm starting to get it now, whereas alot of therapy methodologies focus on achieving the higher self by addressing our cognitive mind, you advocate for addressing the emotional mind which is tied to the emotional circuitry from our family of origin. When we work in transforming the role we play in that circuitry, we will eventually start to transform all other relationships and heal oir emotional brain which gives room for the thinking brain to thrive
You are exactly correct. Wow, you have such insight. Now trying helping others to understand this. LOL I'm trying the best I can. Thanks for watching Keshi.
You look well. Did you lose weight too, if so, that is also a good thing too for your health. You are a really nice man who is emotionally balanced and it's nice to know that there are men who can share true feelings and be as sweet as you are. Thank you for just being who God made you to be. Thanks for your honesty and telling some of your own struggles.
your videos are my absolute favorite on ACoA issues , thank you so much , so grateful to have found your new channel
Hi Sara, thank you for watching. I hope you will share them on your social media. I'm glad you found my channel. I will be adding more videos soon.
I have been binge watching for about 3 months and telling everyone:)
thank you Sara, you are so kind. I will be adding more videos soon. One new one is done, two on the way Jerry
There are some people we have to stay away from, and learn to have very firm boundaries with. That takes time to develop. The problem with running away is that there will always be part of us that is scared, which is part of what the problem was in the first place. We were scared to stand up for ourselves and have a voice and feel we had rights and a right to those rights. If we can work on stepping in for ourselves as Jerry talks about we will start to feel so good about ourselves and finally like we are showing up for ourselves and that feeling and realization that that strength was in us all along is such a feeling of victory and accomplishment. I’ve been there too.
That background looks dreamy.
Priceless! Thank you for sharing your expertise and experience, you’re generous and compassionate. This is a multidimensional deep pool of wisdom and it’s overflowing with answers and solutions! Will listen again (and again) and will begin to apply some of the concepts immediately. Thank you so very much! God bless, enrich and sustain you.
Great video! My takeaway:
Our "Reacting" response is more deeply rooted than most of us would think; in the lower, "reptilian" part of the brain. It is imprinted upon us very much like birds imprint upon their hatchlings. We must go back to that root to heal this "Reaction Response."
Helpful things to maintain an awareness of:
1. Am I maintaining a separateness while also staying connected to the people I am around?
2. Am I observing more?
3. Am I listening more?
4. Am I able to validate the feelings/opinions of others without feeling the urge to escalate or mirror their same feelings back?
5. Learn tobdistinguish between FEEL vs. FACT
the sad thing is the more I learn the more I think I need to go no contact with my family. they are just too crazy and screwed up to work with.
At least to heal yes u have to!
Most people want you to remain what you are to them. They don't like you to change.
I had to leave my family more than a few times, but they find ways to bother me by calling, I block them and then, they come to my house.
The guy in this video is not explaining real life. You have to leave your family and DO NOT react to their flying monkeys. Have no response as if you're dead inside.
They want the reaction to make you look crazy. Act dead inside completely when you know a new game has started even if you left & they live near by.
My mother moved in with me when I was 30 without invitation . Her mother lived 2 doors down and wanted her to move in with her but she wouldn’t.
20+ years later after my many friends had left and I had finally given in to her and moved back to the town she owned a home. I bought it and completely remodeled and paid her cash using all my savings.
When I FINALLY began to notice that she lied and she subtly put me down; blaming me for her unhappiness, etc. I did what I always did and nicely approached her about the need for changes in both of us as I felt the relationship was her expectations for me to always take care of my siblings and her…
She agreed at the time but the living conditions worsened. Looking back I can see how she kept me from talking to my siblings with her controlling all the communication.
In two years time my youngest brother, who was very close to me after we lost my younger sister at 18, went from thanking me for his never having to worry or interrupt his life because I had been always taking care of mothers physical needs, (cancer and her mastectomy) along with her emotional and financial need and wants to yelling at me for ruining mother’s life and being selfish, irrational, etc.
It was unbelievable and yet once again I looked at where I needed to improve.
Well, months after my middle brother and his wife moved in with us (he wasn’t working and I had gotten her a job at the school I was teaching, my life became unbearable.
My brother was constantly mad at me about something with his wife (who was crazy I found out) and he knew was pathological liar.
When he found out that the house was still in mother name as she “found out” she couldn’t sign it over (even after I bought it paying her more than it was worth) he got worse. After mother kept putting off my request for family meeting to address some issues . He got very upset when I came in to watch my weekly Friday night religious program. Although I’d moved my tv into his bedroom he wanted to watch it in the den.
When I said something to mother all hell broke lose!!! She started yelling at me and backed my brother and then my sister in law. I tried calming her down Saturday morning by conceding to being at fault ( I knew I wasn’t but I didn’t like conflict and it was horrible yelling and demeaning to me). I just wanted it to stop.
Well, it continued all weekend. I just left for periods going to the school.
When I was going through some things that didn’t add up I found that she had been taking cash from my account. My brother was paying a few hundred to help with bills, and she was taking over half. I paid for everything and gave her $500-$750 a month on top of that. It honestly left me with $200 month.
When I confronted her and my brother they just laughed and said I couldn’t do anything about it. They had agreed to it and would lie if I tried telling my other siblings.
I lost it and hated that I said some horrible things to both of them.
At this point I was told to leave or the police would be called. I had a little over $200 and no friends in the town we’d moved to 3 years earlier.
As I backed out of the driveway I knew I had a choice.
Return and lose the last tiny spark of myself or leave …getting myself back but knowing that I’d pay for it…
Well, I never returned.
My mother even went as far as sending the police to the school claiming I’d stolen my grandmothers rings (which she had given me) and a watch. Living in a small town it could have ruined my career…
I walked out with a weeks worth of clothes, makeup and my meds.
I was never allowed to return to get anything. She had my sister in law and brother throw some of my clothes in my classroom floor one weekend.
She sold my things in garage sale or gave them to my siblings and their children.
I’ve never spoken to my siblings since that weekend. They wouldn’t respond to my texts or calls.
God provided everything I needed beginning with someone calling needing me to pick them up before I drove 2 blocks from the house. They asked what was wrong and offered me a place for the week.
My parish priest was huge support and began helping me understand it wasn’t me…she was not who I thought she was…
I got into a great counselor.
My principal who had just been moved down from HS was unbelievably kind and did so much for me during the following 2 years when he retired.
I’m now sitting here writing this without praying for God to take me each night.
I’ve married and I have a &home.
I’m still struggling with fear and anxiety but have gained back some self esteem and I can laugh now.
My biggest QUESTION…. I do wonder if during those years and living with her (I was told she was a covert, malignant narcissistic who was a master manipulator) if it somehow changed my brain?????
I was easy going. I could find the humor in nearly every situation which helped put it in perspective. I did not “sweat the small stuff”….
I’m definitely different now.
I’ve had a few friends that I’d known since college come back in my life. They told me how mother very “kindly “ got them to quit visiting and calling…
I had one very close friend stop one day and look at me after I’d gotten nervous about something…. Saying “my gosh, what did she do to you, Nancy, what kind of hell have you been in?? You have never been like this…where is your self assurance gone??
I’m just wondering….
I know I am not the same. I don’t know what to do about it….
I’m am glad I didn’t go back!! It hasn’t been easy the last 9 years and I am better…
I’m still not myself
@nancyrolfe3033 I went to the movies for the first time in nearly a decade this weekend. A children's movie. I laughed til I cried, I was so surprised, it was so much fun. I've lost so much life, time and opportunity under the brunt of a narcissistic family system and marriage. I need to get back to who I was - a lover of knowledge and experience, movies and books, my hobbies and languages. I felt that part of me was gone but no, it's not true. It's up to us to put in the work to rekindle our inner child, our sense of self. There is still joy within you. You are much stronger than you know. Your family are the weak ones, the weak attack the strong. As time goes on, we will Become again. Become who we were always meant to be - me, a writer. You? Please let me know what you discover 🙏🏽 Keep the faith and Much love to you xx
It's so good to see you have your own channel. You and Rinda Hall's videos are my favorite. I've heard bad things from Mark Smith's ex clients on facebook groups, also I wasn't liking how much he was talking about himself most of the time so I unsubscribed from Family Tree Counseling long time ago even though I'd love to hear from you. I absolutely love your work! Thank you for being here!!!!
Thank you tw, I hope you will share my videos on your social media. Thanks again for watching.
Rinda is now married to Mark....lol
I can't begin to tell you how helpful this video (and the one on going without approval) have been for me. I've listened to them like 50+ times while I work. The message sinks in more and more, and I just keep maturing and feeling better and better! All areas of my life just continue to improve. Huge thanks!!!
Yes this is the problem I'm having.....some therapists just want to scratch the service and ask me why I feel a certain way when I am dealing with confrontation, like do I think I am being judged... and I try I tell them no, it's nothing conscious, it's like this fight or flight comes up and I have no idea why.
Thank you, Jerry. You are so correct in that our familys conditioning is so deep, it runs our lives until we start feeling the pressure, uncertainty that brings, we feel our Self arises from different space in us and we start acting and change the beliefs and then actions follow. indeed.
I think without quite realising it in the way I do now, I've always been deeply independent by nature: I have noticed looking back that every abusive tantrum my parents have thrown at me in adulthood has been substantially a reaction to not reacting to their bullshit. Thus we have the absurd situation where my supposedly terrible bullying consists of calmly stating boundaries that they don't like, quietly saying that no, I'm not going to do that or talk about that with you, and most of all ignoring foul behaviour, while minimizing contact; their epically tragic victimhood, on the other hand, consists of dictating orders, attacking my character with imaginary crimes I haven't ever committed, trying to set up little rifts between my wife and I that don't exist, screaming tantrums and vicious abuse. I have realised that a great deal of this is just trying to get me to engage in the drama. My point is that being non-reactive is not going to fix anyone but you. It may very well be that your very lack of reactive engagement will itself trigger tantrums, so be prepared for this.
Thank you Jerry! And I thought this ancient lizard brain is just a part of my unchangeable personality. I always knew how to observe and analyze myself but I never really managed to drop my reactiveness. At least not subconsciously. Now I know EXACTLY what to work on and feel very positive about changing myself. SUBBED!!
Thank you Jerry. Makes more sense to me now ..further along the healing journey. Deep teaching. Thank you ❤
Thank you, so much Jerry! I discovered a whole new world of relationships when I started to gradually declare my self to others, manage my feelings and response vs react. Yesterday, I had a long conversation with my ex, with whom we couldn't make peace for ca long time, and whom I was labeling all sorts of things on order to emotionally distance myself from her (family staff). Thanks to the self-differentiation approach, we finally were able to find resolution and let each other be who we want to be and each be responsible for our feelings and also actions, even if they are uncomfortable to others. I continue to discover myself in all my important relationships by staying in contact and in balance, not running away as I used to before (family reactivity). A HUGE, thank you, Mr Wise, and God bless you!
It's difficult not to become reactive when you are being attacked and threatent on every front...even at home and family and people are promoting this on purpose ....it's just sick
Absolutely amazing! You have the most helpful youtube channel I know thank you for sharing your wisdom and knowledge!
👍Excellent!
Your example of yourself in your family is very helpful.
Amazing Jerry!! I am so happy I found your video and what to work on me being less reactive so I don't destroy my relationships
Thank you for watching.
Any donation would help in making these videos.
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations
This has been great Jerry I will watch again to get this embedded in my head God Bless this has helped me an awful lot.
Jerry thank you for making this video.. this video really helps me to understand the origin of my own over reactivity to others. I appreciate your knowledge and great ability to explain it with your own life examples really helps to apply it to my own life. I also appreciate the steps you give to help make changes. I will be "chewing " on this video for awhile to get every morsel I can to make changes in my "lizard brain". Your the best Jerry!!
I do appreciate your idea about we need to focus on thinking more instead of letting our feelings take control of us. However we must keep in mind that processing our feelings is extremely important and that could take a while. It takes a lot of work to basically feel and heal. But yes the point is we must Implement our brains and use our thinking modes and develop thinking skills in order to live a healthy mentally healthy life
Dear Jerry,Thank you for posting this video. I love your work because you are addressing self observation, in a very accessible , strait forward, practical way. You have encredible human humble inner ambiance which helps the audience to connect with your teaching. At least I fed hay way. Thank you for your hard work to help people. I am learning a lot from your videos and I’ve been e-mailing you as well. Hope that one day you will reply to my e-mails and I will be lucky to work with you on my own issues. In case you read this comment , please consider to reply to my e-mails👏🏻 As one of he previous commenters said : I will be watching and chewing on this particular video for a while! I hope with time to be able to apply tour tips in real life. God bless you Jerry and thank you again
Jerry, something similar in my life happened. I was still PERMANENTLY rejected by some family members because I did not want to sing at their son's wedding after a very long flight which I paid for myself to come to the wedding at my own time and resource expense. Never got even a positive acknowledgement of the tremendous effort it took for me to come from another CONTINENT to come to the wedding when I had very little money.
Well, "Good riddance!" I say - as I believe it was used as an excuse to reject me.....perhaps simple evil on their part and now they were feeling "emboldened" to "express themselves". Son was getting married to a high official's daughter, and their "tails have never stopped wagging" with arrogance since then. And so they now treat the rest of the family as second class citizens.
Eight years later they are still not speaking to me, and gossip evil things behind my back. Very childish. I have not engaged or entertained their "speakings" as they have never spoken to me with respect about the matter since my "No". I chose to focus on staying firm in my goodness and love for the family members who sincerely care about me. I no longer contact them.
Thank you Jerry you are the most helpful therapeut i have ever listened to !! You are a gift to all of us ❤️🙏🌷☀️
how did your mother react when you refused to say the prayers? Did someone else step in|? That is a very good example how to be assertive with the narcissist. I did that once too when my narc mother insisted that I cut her hair, as I had done this before, even though not a hairdresser. She actually laughed when I said I wouldn't do it. She was sure she could persuade me to do this with her manipulation.
I am learning more from your channel and being encouraged. I 💝 thinking of pings as coming from my lizard brain! That adds truth and humor to the "wars and rumors of wars" that have gone on in there. Lately sometimes I feel a complete calm. It feels like a miracle to me when that happens. When I'm not obsessing or ruminating I can feel me. I will never quit this process of discovering who God made. I know I'm worth it. Slowly lowering my godless expectations of myself. That feels a lot better too. My lizard is learning how to relax in the 🌞! Thank you for being a voice crying out in this wilderness of emotional confusion.😍
Excellent teaching, I can utilise a lot of this into a hypnosis session, thank you, I can add another dimension to what I do.
Very well done Jerry. Looking forward to discussing some of these points with you further.
Thanks you for sharing this with all of us
Thanks for watching jacpost. Hope you will share this video on your social media. Thanks again.
this was amazing Jerry! very valuable piece of information
Glad it was helpful!
I am a huge fan of your videos as of today! I found you by miracle work...thank God and thank you!!!
Amazing!
I will rewatch this video and take notes!
Very helpful. This will help me not play into the expected role I am expected to play in the pageant.
You are so calming
Your approach is fantastic! Thank you!
Thank you for your channel, best from all I found
I am learning (after listening to .Ross Rosenberg) to observe not absorb. Very hard with a particular narcissist but your video was very helpful. Thanks and God bless. A new subscriber.
I have used observing not absorbing in my practice for years. I'm glad RR has helped you to embrace this.
Thank you for subscribing. Jerry Wise
All wise in a nutshell. Thanks Jerry.
Unless you're the scapegoat. Don't even try. Running away and starting over is the only way. :(
I agree with this. it's sad but it's more realistic.
Separating ourselves from unhealthy people is important. Running away is not starting over because you're taking all the pian with you.
@@Imma_Nutt Start over, run away, call it whatever you want. That pain stays with you for a good amount of time until you figure out how to overcome it. Even when it's been overcome you'll still have bad days. It fades into the background but it never truly fully goes away. But life does improve with time.
I feel there us insiders meaning to your words..dont undersrand
@@timothybuckley3621 it's about being raised by a narcissit mother. "We" develope a "specially bad" pattern
You have the right last name because you are wise. Thank you, I can't say it enough. I wish I could afford a counselor like you. God bless you.
thank you mary, god bless you too
Thank you Mary
Loved it! Thank you, because I really need help.
Thank you very much. Very helpful.
Greetings from Germany
I would be happy if you put out some boundaries. Im not a paster here i'm a son and brother. No you tell them how you feel and stand your ground. If they don't understand its o.k.
You might function higher than the other family members. No anger needed. Mother had a personality disorder. Thank you Ross Rosenberg. Observe don't absorb.
Thank you 😊 for the helpful information!!
Glad it was helpful!
Your videos are quite different in the sense of I can listen its clear and straight thank you for that. Greetings from genX Sweden.
You look terrific. This video really helped me right now. Everything else I was trying was making me worse.
That is great Mallory, please join my you tube channel. Thanks Jerry
Hard to know who we authentically are after being who everyone else expects us to be.
Hi Jerry, I know this will be another great video. Thanks in advance!
Great content. Thanks so much sir!
Glad you liked it!
Thank you for watching.
Any donation would help in making these videos.
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations
I feel like I am always nitpicked and it causes me to overreact. I feel like when I am too passive the anger just builds. I don't know how to have an inbetween reaction.
You’ve got a new subscriber... thank you for your advice!!!
Thank you for this video
I'll SAY GRACE!!! 🙋
Abba Father, we love you too very much! And we still love our family even though we have an intense need to detach from them, and we do. We love others as we love ourselves, but ONLY In a HEALTHY way! Thank you for all the spiritual food you give us to nourish and heal our souls as well as the physical food to nourish and heal our bodies and all the insight as well to heal us from the inside, out. You make my❤blow up! In Yeshua's precious name Big Daddy, Amain!!! 🤗😙🙏🙌💖
When should one cut out a family member? I just did because they refuse to accept my boundaries and were causing me much distress. I could not take it anymore. I wish them well in my heart, but i do not want to deal with them on any level any more. I changed my phone number as well. Not easy for me to do this. But, I feel I had no choice. Very sad :(
X2Y2 my toxic mom lives with me. yay. You’re lucky to be able to get away from them.
@@BexnRN sorry to hear. Take care of yourself.
X2Y2 :) thanks! You too.
@@BexnRN Thank you. I have been attending meditation classes and it is a miracle. Helps to calm and control the mind so it is easier to deal with stressful events and people. It is all about inner peace. xo
X2Y2 good for you! I’ve been dabbling in meditation also. It helps to stop the repetitive mind talk-mine is generally negative lol. Helps with some sort of feeling of control and not be mentally and emotionally jerked around.
I’m glad I found you today. I have been observing and berating myself on the relationship that is emerging with my 33 month old son. I’m yelling and I’m cold, I’m cut off from my feelings. I don’t want to be this way, I always envisioned a beautiful and loving relationship with him.. it has been for the most part thus far. But he’s becoming a person with a will. And I feel like a prisoner of who I am. Thanks. 🙏
kidsmoked ....My mom got controlled by her narc son. We didn't know anything about NPD. I was close in my assessment, but still so far. If only I knew to research NPD, I could have saved her and my younger sister a lot of turmoil. After my dad died, my older brother had his only barrier removed. I was living out of state and had no idea what he was doing. He literally called his (he was much older but wouldn't leave his free housing sanctuary) younger sister (16 years old) a bitch. She was doing nothing wrong. He also started controlling my mom by making her feel guilty about every insignificant thing. He lived virtually rent free until his mid forties since his tiny rent included food and electric and property taxes etc. that my mom paid. He was a narc. Now his emotional abuse to my sister led her running into the arms of the first guy who treated her nice while dating. Yep....a narc. I now know so much about human behavior since I have studied it for years after getting used by my self employed sales boss owner....a narc! Frankly, I am practically an expert on human behavior since I started analyzing everything about behavior since getting fooled by my boss 30 years ago. People are not "adults" because they reach the age of 18 and get that high school diploma. Narcs are so successful because society and the media never teaches us what's really important. In over 2000 local news shows, NPD has never been brought up. (Yes...I would remember) The news is owned by the top 10 grossing businesses in the world. It's no mistake millions more young adults will go through hell. The "news" is so silly reporting car crashes, house fires, and street crime EVERY single night! They know better but never change....just like narcs.
Thank you for your great help!
Happy to help!
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Fascinating. Do other members of the family see that a family member is being canabalized? Why dont they say something to try to stop it?
I believe is fear they might become the family's garbage can like at school when someone is bullied, most of them take the side of the bully for fear of getting the abuse and they become enablers.
Wow such great content!!! Needed to hear this X 100000
Glad you liked it!!
Thank you very much for this. You are very wise (no pun intended! Ha!)
Thank you for the book- recommendations you gave. I like watching your video's.
LOVE YOUR VIDEOS, THANK YOU!!
By accepting others can see your bad/cr@ppy behaviors and can point out and not gaslighting them as more/less reactive. And when one is not choosing you for your irresponsibilities (not talking about responsible mature and non-gamer ones who actually is more real victim), how to let them go.
This information is very good.
Glad it was helpful!
“Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist”
Workshop
Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC
July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time
On Zoom
Topics:
The Illusions of the Narcissist
The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists
Living in the War Zone
7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist
10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently
Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding
Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment
Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents
Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have
And more…
Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos.
Q & A
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Jerry, thank you from my lower brain. I work on those issues myself and highly value body work like massage. Do you have any recommendation how to connect lower brain to some part of body available for bodywork. I used to massage frontal part of brain
( lobe part of my face-3rd eye) and it made huge difference for my memory, emotional stability and ability to analyze. My father died from stroke happened in lower part of brain, i was told that blood vessels were worned out and very fragile. I wonder, if i'd knew it then he could live longer(i am a nurse). And yes, you look stunningly well. I think I struck gold when found your channel.
Well Jerry, you answered my message the other day about if I was a narcissist ( married to a malignant 26 yrs then married to a malignant 5 yrs ), and you said I was being reactive ( in my new marriage to a NON narcissist).
We are constantly fighting, suddenly after 9 months of marriage. He says I have a passion for fighting. I certainly hope not !!!
I guess I am reactive!!
1- Do you have other videos to
help me with this?
2- Also you said this comes from my family of origin. Is there ANY WAY it came from the 26 yrs with the malignant narcissist?? I was married to him from age 25 -51 and was very physically and mentally ill when I left
Blessings to you Sir
How funny because I was also married to one for 26 years. He’s very confused and liked to tell people bad things about me to anyone who would listen and help him be the victim he always played. This man was cheating with women my whole entire life and then acted like it was my fault and that I was the reason he had to leave. He’s just a manipulator and because of his job is very good at making others think poorly about me. I saw this too late and thought the world of him. Too bad he was the one who decided to not work on us. I really wanted us to work. But now see he wasn’t anything but toxic
My mother thinks I'm her husband. If i don't do something she gets upset & threaten me (calling 911). She blames me for my hurt. I have neglected some of my family members because of emotional and physical abuse as a child.
I am so sorry that your mother treats you like her husband, that sounds really hard to deal with! I have found the books "Emotional Blackmail" and " Who's Pulling Your Strings?" very helpful in terms of identifying the manipulation and then learning to be a tougher target for manipulators. I hope you can find a way to gradually pull yourself away from your mother and create more healthy separateness.
Another great video......very helpful. 💙
thank you, you give me hope
this seems good but I think it not realistic when your family is highly abusive. they will not accept your authentic self and nothing you do will change them or the system.
You dont get all this until you gots it! 😉 everything came once i understood my lost self
Good points here. Thanks.
My question is, why stay connected to some families if spending time with them isn't even enjoyable?
Because our families are still in us, we can learn to detach and become less reactive while staying in contact, it helps us grow up. Cutting off from our families can keep the family stuck in us emotionally.
I am not saying to stay in physical contact with toxic, abusive, families.
Thanks for watching LilBrownieD
@@jerrywise 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾 Thank you for replying! Learning so much
I don't think anybody can go without "Love". Babies die, if they have to go without Love and affection. I am very "reactive". but learning how not to be, some people do it, as they know how to push my buttons. But I have called them out on it, so I don't think they will be doing it again in a hurry. And it is not just family that do it.
Just let it happen captain instead of out of family of origin rules and roles.
Did you know there is a UFO at about 13 mins in ...oh wait thats a para sail i think ! lol just kidding Jerry ,I love your vids.Such great advice.
I would love to hear your story how you lost your weight and your awakening
Awesome video! :)
Thank you.
You're welcome!
Hello sir
How are you?
I hope you are keeping yourself safe in this corona time
Lots of love and respect
So nice of you
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Well said. Thank u sir.
Thank you Jerry for this video. When im tired i seem to react more, usually im really quite easy going. I sometimes suffer from insomnia due to years of abuse so hence why i over react.
Love this video
Jerry, you are one of those persons whose name describes them. Yanks have a relief pitcher named Holder. I knew RE agent named Bill and Sharon House. Etc.
Great video!
While being authentic is so important, here do you draw the line between obliging every now and then as an act of kindness and cultivating that attitude versus choosing myself and my needs ? The Buddhist concept of wholesome goodness resonates better with me. Because alot of comments here seem to be about choosing one's own needs versus collective good? For example, ofcourse when you are not in the mood to lead prayers, you should be respected to make those choices. What about a special request on someone's birthday? Would you then be agreeable to oblige? That is the kind of thing I am referring to. I feel that it should be about flexibility and not forcing things but a general attitude of give and take?
Hi there, I'm a first time viewer, and am trying to get this, ... is it like our conscious brain as opposed to our subconscious brain ? The methods I prefer to use in my life are to respect the fact that some people choose to or unable to budge in the way that they think or feel, I try to accept it and come to terms of understanding that were all flawed in some way(s). I try to recite my favourite prayer daily,the Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
It's the best way I know to live.
Excellent info. Subbing 👏👏
I wish i had a way out but i dont see it anymore ..... miserable, dont know who to trust anymore and crashing down
After my mother's passing the family photo albums ended up with Sister #2. She has been holding them hostage from the rest of the surviving family. She will not give access unless and until we "get along" with her. I miss my mother dearly and long to see a picture of her. Sister #1 and father have considered the photos destroyed and have moved on. I am having trouble doing so.
+Epic Quintessence Thank you.
That sounds familiar!!!
how do you deal with someone who is being reactive? what does the person who is getting the brunt of the reactivity supposed to do?