Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
Thank you for watching “Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist” Workshop A great workshop for ACOA’s, ACON’s, and any of you who come from dysfunctional families! Workshop leader: Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC LIVE July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time On Zoom Topics: The Illusions of the Narcissist The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists Living in the War Zone 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have And more… Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos. Q & A Role Plays Volunteer participation You will receive the recorded workshop You will receive the notes for the workshop Scholarships are available write to Jerry Wise at jerrywise5@gmail.com www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
Growing up with a borderline mother, failing to mirror my mother’s emotions completely was considered the ultimate betrayal. I felt like I had no right to view a situation differently than her or have my own relationship to people in our lives. Even as an adult I deal with the guilt of simply calling a family member “behind her back” (read: on my own terms). It’s taken a lot of work to reassert and affirm the self that was repressed all throughout my young life.
That’s so typical of damaged people as they see so jealous and controlling that shame on you to call someone without her being in on it.. mine was the same way. God bless you and I hope you can live a good life with or without her “junk”
Narcissistic individuals are like that. They are jealous of you for being happy and content with who you are. And they hate that you choose to think for yourself or what have you.
I very recently realized that enmeshment is the root of maaaany of my problems in life. I often heard myself say "I had a great childhood, my mom is awesome". Looking back with this new knowledge, I see many things that were actually quite odd in terms of boundaries and codependency. I'm 30 and still there is this gross invisible umbilical cord connecting myself to my mother. I also understand my siblings' behaviors much better. This truly feels like a breakthrough.
That's great! Please join as a support member here on UA-cam for only 1.99/month. This will help keep the free videos coming. They are time consuming to make and take many hours. Thanks for your support of this channel. I have a workshop coming up February 6, 2021 Saturday 1-5pm EST hosted on Zoom GETTING YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN OUT OF YOU, please sign up. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/getting-your-family-of-origin-out-of-you-workshop
I live 1000 miles away and even 7 years later I am still enmeshed. I dream of moving to another country sometimes and cutting off contact but it will never be enough. It's so true that the enmeshment is internalized, the only way out is through developing yourself and setting some strong boundaries. A little distance doesn't hurt though.
People do horrible things when they're confused because of harmful family systems like this. Those who have committed murder and suicide because they're a part of a system that is just confusing them and they don't even know it... that's heart-wrenching.
The reason I am sometimes afraid of them being angry at me, is because their anger is not healthy anger - they express narcissistic rage and the rage of a person who does not tolerate frustration - the result is agression from them - either overt aggression, covert agression including manipulation or passive aggression and that is painful and also dangerous. Oh and the fear of losing the relationship, which happens, when a person starts to set boundries within a dysfunctional enmeshed family system (just as dr.Cloud and Townsend write in their book Boundries) - I lost my brother, but I probably never had him. That is very painful.
I moved many miles away from my family for my safety and sanity so, to be honest, i am not enmeshed. I have been no contact for many years now. You are right they wanted me to play a role which i refused and just recently because certain people are getting old they are trying to get me back and it wont happen. Many thanks for your video.
Good example, good enmeshment phrase "Let me tell you who you are..." I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional
@@jerrywise Thanks. I will try to sign up and attend. Your videos and the comments have been great. It has been hard for me to articulate my family issues. It's one of those cases where I live on the other side of the country. So my siblings have had the opportunity to dictate the narrative. And since they are "pillars of the community," the "flake from San Francisco" must be out to get them.
Well, I think he's also a pastor - here he's presenting as therapy coach, using high-quality tools from psychology - (Bowen) family systems etc I'd say few pastors are as trained and experienced as he is.
Wait what? He's a pastor? This is awesome. I'm a Christian and it's so hard to find good things on this that aren't new age! I will look up all his other stuff too! PTL
Right He is awesome I showed a video to my estranged husband last year and he started to tear up I think I'm going to play a other one of his videos when I decide to go back
You loose your unique identity? Tangled up in this individual your obsessed with 🤷🏽♀️ before you know it years have passed and you no longer know who you are
This has been a burdensome issue destroying my life creating intense fear of intimacy and feeling iscolated. I just wanted to let you know this video and your insight was exactly what I needed to feel comfortable being vulnrable around the correct people. I truly appreciate you sharing your wisdom and skills
Unfortunately ive married into an enmeshed family. We see each other at every meal AND at office during work. Yet i dont feel part of the family and they dont truly have an interest in getting to know me. They probably dont know how suffocating its been and i can never tell them..
They don't want to know. It's so important to wait on the spirit of the Lord to lead you into marriage, and who you are to marry. The person is perfect for you. Because God put things in each of you to do His will together.
Hope you’re able to break away or at least internally. It’s not worth it… I understand, I saw it play out in my own Asian family saw it in my relatives
oh my god...this is what i recently realized. I really had to work on my self esteem in order to self differentiate. It explained everything, I grew up in emotionally abusive home where I was really undefined in sense of self and when I grew up whenever I entered a romantic relationship I always felt too swept away? sort of feeling and it was really confusing because I did not have a clearly defined sense of self and I couldn't handle it because my sense of self felt so unclear. I really had to put lot of effort in finding out who I am in order to actually self differentiate. When I saw your videos about a year ago I didn't reall understand what self differentiation really meant, but now I do.. and changing and control..so true. and what you say about geographic distance not making a difference...you're so right, it's what I went through. No amount of distance helped. What helped was serious commitment on working on myself internally. thank you for this video it really helps
Your words are like a mirror to me. Growing up in an enmeshed family, I always tried to distance myself and then when I had my own child, I repeated this enmeshment within my own family. Everything is quite clear now. Thank you, Jerry.
I know God is able to help us overcome any and everything. I pray that you develop a whole and complete with relationship with self and Him. If you haven't done so already. And possibly see if you can find a therapist/counselor to help you with your journey to healing in Jesus name. So you can break free from this. I hate that I didn't find this out prior to having my son. I know my mom have gotten inside his head in a bad way. He is not really motivated to try to do anything positive in life, or take risk when it come to making decisions that could be beneficial to him. And I know that he started being really concerned about his weight and dieting. Because she was up here talking about how much he would eat and stuff. Smh. I'm like people need to learn how to be quiet. Because they will speak certain things over people. I'm just over all of it.
The point about the alcoholism in your family of origin is so spot on! I was like that as a teen and I was absolutely letting the fear of my father's addiction define me. It's sort of like if i dont press the red button i'll be fine, but all you're thinking about is pressing the red button and it actually brings you closer to the thing you fear. So wise, you need to stay in neutral. It's a problem when other ppl's mental health difficulties are defining you
I am finding myself using anger to keep people away, because I am frustrated and I don’t know how to address it, when I feel overwhelmed by other’s’ agendas, ( especially their “kind” advice and desire to “make” me “happy”.) I feel flattered that they want to “make”me feel better, ( because they think I am angry when I take my attention off of them) but it seems like I am continually explaining myself so that THEY won’t feel badly, and I am restating my boundaries over and over again. I’m not trying to hurt anyone, but I AM trying to get MY LIFE in better order. It takes a great deal of time/effort from things I must get done. This is a pattern I don’t know how to break. Help, Jerry!
I have been confusing emo enmeshment with emo intimacy all my life in my family. I realised recently after forty plus years, that im actually alone in this. And true intimacy is not possible with my parents because they just arent capable of it. Cannot keep trying to convert the enmeshment into connection.
Moving to another part of the country doesn’t mean your avoiding and still enmeshed… I’m differentiated, I feel compassion for my parents but can’t control them continuously crossing my boundaries and turning up on my doorstep. (“We’re your parents we can turn up whenever we like”.) So moving to another state was another way to create distance and more boundaries.
@@TOLupe-ty6jb Byron Katie, who has plenty of videos on here, helped me tremendously. If you look back on your regrets, you will see that at that time that you did the best you could. The paradox here is that the way you 'hang in there' is by letting go. Godspeed 🙏🏼.
@@TOLupe-ty6jb It's never too late to make changes in your life, in yourself, and how you relate to them. Yes, it's sad, but you don't have to stay in that sadness. Life is about making choices. And you can make your own choices by also setting boundaries with them. Reach out to a relationship coach or Marriage and Family Therapist to teach you how and provide support for you even if your family members refuse to go, too. If that's the case, go just to work on yourself so you can self-differentiate and heal. You are worth it! I wish you the best! 💖
Same here...I have shared his "life coaching" videos as I like to think of them ...with those I have met in OA and with anyone who seems like they need encouragement from something he has talked about. This is such a blessing! Praise God!
My,soon to be ex-husband,is extremely narcissistic and he's also heavily bonded to his narcissistic mother,and family,after 20 years of being bullied,cursed at,put down and blamed for everything,that ever happened,He called me a stalker,(I realized,this is true,(looking back over,the way he's been toward me,I really was acting like a stalker,)So I'm getting a divorce.
Hi Jerry, This was the most clear, concise and informative video I’ve ever seen on Enmeshment. So much great information here that is easy to understand and relate to. Thankyou!
Thank you Jerry for all the examples and time you put into this with steps how to work on self-differentiation. I took notes! (not the first time I have taken notes by the way...on your videos) Its helping me to understand and take steps to heal. You are a blessing. May you also be blessed in return!
Thank you so much, Jerry, for your great insights and advices. I have discovered your videos yesterday (the one about the parents with narcissistic children) and now I am watching for the third one. Where can we find the transcript for your videos? Thanks again!
This video can change the entire course of a life. Thank you so much for your work, Jerry. I am so grateful that I found your channel. Truly life changing 🙏
I just heard you talking about religion relating to enmeshment. So many, if not most of us, in the Christian faith were raised on legalism (Old testament "thou shalt and shalt not" ) instead of with the knowledge of Grace through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Many, if not most of us, might know the Gospel, but still think we're on a point system , earning our tickets to Heaven. It's a very burdensome way to live, and, if we believe that for ourselves, we tend to lay that on others, as well. Legalism is not true Christianity. In witnessing, the Bible says to be "fishers of men" and to "sow seeds", being a light, a good example, out of honor to God, but always respecting the free will of others.
"For by GRACE you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is THE GIFT OF GOD, not of works, lest anyone should boast." -- Ephesians 2:8 (emphasis mine)
12 step programs use enmeshment in sponsorship. I like the observer not an absorber. Stop the mission to change others. Sponsors become to enmeshed with people they are trying to help.
Jerry, looking back at my childhood i only see the good things even though the bad easily outweighed the good. I think this is one of your most important videos.
Hello Jerry Wise! I hope it's not enmeshment to say your transformation is quite an accomplishment and congratulations! I saw an old video and realized what a fete you'd surmounted. I had the pleasure of losing weight also so I appreciate the challenge. Enjoying your helpful insights. Learning quite a bit. I am in the middle of avoidance and learning how to increase self differentiation. Thank you!!
Hey Jerry this is Sal the guy you spoke with a month-and-a-half ago I'm doing a lot better now and I appreciate this video of enmeshment because as I did a lot of self therapy and you were one of the biggest helps in my life I see now that too much togetherness too much in measurement was the root of my gaslighting family systems problem now I crave more than ever and been acting all my Cravings to be self differentiated and I'm more happier with my life and being alone appreciate and love more of myself and it's helped me to overcome being a sld thanks so much for this explanatory video😄😁☺😏
Listening to everything that Mr Jerry said here was so overwhelming true for me. Thank you Mr Jerry for your wisdom and helpful insight. Sending love and light to each and every person experiencing family of origin difficulties 🌻
The emeshment is unhealthy for me cuz my dad keeps disrespecting me n keeps crossing boundaries. He never calls me unless he doesn't hear from me for 3 months.
Elizabeth Seiden My mom and sister used to do this to me.....I was always the one calling to check on them, try to do things. ...conversation was always one sided...if I didn't call them, it'd take a few days, they'd call, all mad, "just calling to check on you, I haven't heard from you" What the???? Soooo glad I'm healthy enough now to be ME
@@PHlophe they eventually got into a show down where my father showed up at Ex:s work place and the police were called. Long story short: I know now that the 2 Narcs were fighting over their primary source like 2 dogs fighting over a bone. It's emotionally shattering to realize you are nothing more than a 'thing' that does their bidding to these folks. No contact is best even if it initially hurts
My older brother. I call and he doesn't reply. I ask why and he says, don't read into it. If i don't pick up when calls, he says, you need to fix your phone. OMG>
Excellent!! Thank you so very much for these invaluable life lessons! I often have to back up and listen again, and even repeat after you...to help me remember better. God bless you.
Could you do some videos on adult narcissistic children who will not let go. Not only do they refuse to launch but they refuse to live a normal life and they cause trouble on top of it and get into trouble and constantly need to be bailed out of something serious like homelessness, but of course they can't come home. You've got to do everything and then they just turn around and do it again
@@jerrywise so glad you did that video. Exactly what I needed. Now I can take the steps and free myself .It's going to take a lot of work especially with two grandchildren involved. I suppose I'll be helping them in some way too. Living with a narcissist daughter.
“Give up what you’re buying in trade-offs for your no-self position in relationships.” (peacemaking, can’t stand them being mad at me, compliance, lowered anxiety, etc) Wow.
I was goaded all my life and this gave fuel to my narc's , its still hard to undo this, i have no contact now. Many many thanks for all your video's they are so helpful.
Thank you for your kind words “Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist” Workshop Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time On Zoom Topics: The Illusions of the Narcissist The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists Living in the War Zone 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have And more… Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos. Q & A Role Plays Volunteer participation You will receive the recorded workshop You will receive the notes for the workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
I'm still having difficulty of finding that balance with enmeshment. When I was a young adult and I asked my mom questions she would give me vague answers and I never felt she was telling the truth. So now i seem to be doing the opposite of her behavior and when people ask me questions, I tell them more then I should. When do we know what is a good balance of not giving too much information? This is more of an issue I have with coworkers.
Glad it was helpful! Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also, I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com
The addiction thing makes me think of Peaches and Paula Geldof. She grew up knowing her mother died of a heroin overdose as a small child and then went on to die the same way. She was probably always thinking about that death in her darkest moments, the same with Sylvia Plath and her son. I think depression probably has a genetic component but when you lose a parent so young in such circumstances as addiction or suicide which are essentially the same thing it leaves an indelible mark on the child's psyche
So many families are toxic to grow up in. We are deprived of true acceptance and emotional support just to develop healthily and to flourish. Parents bring their own emotional baggage onto the marriage and it gets dumped on the children or marital problems sometimes are projected on to the children who are then rejected and scapegoated. Then those children have the added burden of needing the therapy because they grew up without the love they needed from their parents. Working through that emotional nightmare is so necessary in order to self-differentiate, heal, and be free.
Hi Jerry. I want to appreciate you for another wonderful video. I will like to work with you and get over my codependency and enmeshment. Can you please tell me the kinds of programs you have available and also the cost. Thanks and God bless
Oh I need help. Brought up with little family iv never been enmeshed with them. Now I absolutely dont understand my husbands constant daily expectation we revolve around his family. I dont mind occasionally but they dont like me and as time has passed iv grown not to want their company at all. We cant even move out of the area as the rule is he wont move more than a few streets away from them. I seriously need advice. I cant handle it anymore.
I was raised by a mother with her own attachment issues and when my dad left my big sis became fixer partner for my mom and I became emotional surrogate. No boundaries allowed. Ripe from that I went into 20 years domestic abuse with narcissist husband all the while being told have more faith pray more be long suffering dont repay evil for evil love is sacrifice, like Jesus. Don't be selfish! Just now learning how much Jesus loves me and my kids more than "marriage" and He hates oppression of all kinds! Its what He came to deliver us from! So hard to grow up erase the tapes.
Hi, we are taught to bond with our children when they are small, then they get to this weird stage 15, 16, 17, they still need us but are slowly supposed to grow independent from the parents. How can we have a healthy medium where that codependency and emeshment is at a minimum. I’m trying to be a good parent but it seems I only identify myself as so and sos parent , it’s like I don’t have an identity other than being this person parent. Love her to death but I need more videos for this weird stage , this older teen stage
@Elle D I don't yet have kids, but as someone that was once a teen froma dysfunctional background, I agree with what you said. Even going i to adulthood, I flt like mybdad always talked at me instead of to me. He was always too quick to try and fix me that he would forget I have a mind of my own to sometimes.
Try to see her/him more as your friend rather as your child. Also, reinforce other roles except that of a mother. You are also a woman, a friend, a wife, a business woman e.t.c
🎩 👁👁 👃🏻 👄. 👌🏻 Great to see you looking so healthy your transformation is just amazing and every bit as inspiring as your work on the development of self and relational contexts and dynamics.
Thank you for posting this video Jerry. After I watched this video, all elements fits on my husband and his family's relationship. I would like to have my husband to watch this video but he gets offensive about it. Any solution without making him feels offensive?? Please let me know, I do need your help. Thank you.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
“Given who they are and believing they won’t change, choose the relationship you want with them.” Powerful.
Thank you for watching
“Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist”
Workshop
A great workshop for ACOA’s, ACON’s, and any of you who come from dysfunctional families!
Workshop leader: Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC LIVE
July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time
On Zoom
Topics:
The Illusions of the Narcissist
The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists
Living in the War Zone
7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist
10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently
Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding
Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment
Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents
Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have
And more…
Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos.
Q & A
Role Plays
Volunteer participation
You will receive the recorded workshop
You will receive the notes for the workshop
Scholarships are available write to Jerry Wise at
jerrywise5@gmail.com
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
@freezo that WAS powerful, had to back track and listen again several times to let it really sink in. Thank you for this gem Mr. Wise
Same. Had to re-read
@daisyrelaxedsounds no
Growing up with a borderline mother, failing to mirror my mother’s emotions completely was considered the ultimate betrayal. I felt like I had no right to view a situation differently than her or have my own relationship to people in our lives. Even as an adult I deal with the guilt of simply calling a family member “behind her back” (read: on my own terms). It’s taken a lot of work to reassert and affirm the self that was repressed all throughout my young life.
I read the thick book, My borderline mother. A great read.
That’s so typical of damaged people as they see so jealous and controlling that shame on you to call someone without her being in on it.. mine was the same way. God bless you and I hope you can live a good life with or without her “junk”
Narcissistic individuals are like that. They are jealous of you for being happy and content with who you are. And they hate that you choose to think for yourself or what have you.
🤣
I can relate to what you wrote. I had the same experience.
I very recently realized that enmeshment is the root of maaaany of my problems in life. I often heard myself say "I had a great childhood, my mom is awesome". Looking back with this new knowledge, I see many things that were actually quite odd in terms of boundaries and codependency. I'm 30 and still there is this gross invisible umbilical cord connecting myself to my mother. I also understand my siblings' behaviors much better. This truly feels like a breakthrough.
That's great!
Please join as a support member here on UA-cam for only 1.99/month. This will help keep the free videos coming. They are time consuming to make and take many hours. Thanks for your support of this channel.
I have a workshop coming up February 6, 2021 Saturday 1-5pm EST hosted on Zoom GETTING YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN OUT OF YOU, please sign up. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/getting-your-family-of-origin-out-of-you-workshop
I totally agree.
Wow this is a breakthrough for me too, I want to look at it that way, IV been feeling very down and angry because of the reality of my past
Enmeshment means two bodies, one mind, and that mind is the narcissist's.
The individual is just as important as the family, because healthy individuals build a healthy family.
I live 1000 miles away and even 7 years later I am still enmeshed. I dream of moving to another country sometimes and cutting off contact but it will never be enough. It's so true that the enmeshment is internalized, the only way out is through developing yourself and setting some strong boundaries. A little distance doesn't hurt though.
People do horrible things when they're confused because of harmful family systems like this. Those who have committed murder and suicide because they're a part of a system that is just confusing them and they don't even know it... that's heart-wrenching.
The reason I am sometimes afraid of them being angry at me, is because their anger is not healthy anger - they express narcissistic rage and the rage of a person who does not tolerate frustration - the result is agression from them - either overt aggression, covert agression including manipulation or passive aggression and that is painful and also dangerous. Oh and the fear of losing the relationship, which happens, when a person starts to set boundries within a dysfunctional enmeshed family system (just as dr.Cloud and Townsend write in their book Boundries) - I lost my brother, but I probably never had him. That is very painful.
I read Dr. Clouds book too.
I moved many miles away from my family for my safety and sanity so, to be honest, i am not enmeshed. I have been no contact for many years now. You are right they wanted me to play a role which i refused and just recently because certain people are getting old they are trying to get me back and it wont happen. Many thanks for your video.
You are very courageous ⭐️
Run Bambi Run!! 🏃
God bless you
My personal favorite was: "let me tell you who you are." This is always followed by a list of my (alleged) faults.
Good example, good enmeshment phrase "Let me tell you who you are..."
I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021
“Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work
It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom
Sign up on website to get info on workshops
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop
Sign up now for early bird price
I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website:
• Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop
• Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop
• Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com
Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional
@@jerrywise Thanks. I will try to sign up and attend. Your videos and the comments have been great. It has been hard for me to articulate my family issues. It's one of those cases where I live on the other side of the country. So my siblings have had the opportunity to dictate the narrative. And since they are "pillars of the community," the "flake from San Francisco" must be out to get them.
Jerry you are a pastor. I don’t know pastors were capable to understand these relationship dynamics. That’s so refreshing to see.
Right?! No shade, Jerry.
if they are trained in pastoral counseling. or if they have dual credentials.
Well, I think he's also a pastor - here he's presenting as therapy coach, using high-quality tools from psychology - (Bowen) family systems etc
I'd say few pastors are as trained and experienced as he is.
Wait what? He's a pastor? This is awesome. I'm a Christian and it's so hard to find good things on this that aren't new age! I will look up all his other stuff too! PTL
Right
He is awesome
I showed a video to my estranged husband last year and he started to tear up
I think I'm going to play a other one of his videos when I decide to go back
Wow! Why does life in this beautiful planet end up being so difficult?
Because lots of people are severely damaged and disconnected
You loose your unique identity? Tangled up in this individual your obsessed with 🤷🏽♀️ before you know it years have passed and you no longer know who you are
Basically, everything indicates enmeshment. Therefore, we all all enmeshed.
This has been a burdensome issue destroying my life creating intense fear of intimacy and feeling iscolated. I just wanted to let you know this video and your insight was exactly what I needed to feel comfortable being vulnrable around the correct people. I truly appreciate you sharing your wisdom and skills
I can see how freeing it could be to let go of giving not-asked-for advice. And to observe instead of absorb.
My family is full of enmeshment! I've created clear boundaries. I'm an individual and don't fit into their enmeshment.
Unfortunately ive married into an enmeshed family. We see each other at every meal AND at office during work. Yet i dont feel part of the family and they dont truly have an interest in getting to know me. They probably dont know how suffocating its been and i can never tell them..
They don't want to know. It's so important to wait on the spirit of the Lord to lead you into marriage, and who you are to marry. The person is perfect for you. Because God put things in each of you to do His will together.
wow....I hope things have improved or/and been able to get away, at least for a while
I just left one…can’t do it, don’t understand it and it feels to cultish for me.
You too are now emeshed . Let the resentment begin.
Hope you’re able to break away or at least internally. It’s not worth it… I understand, I saw it play out in my own Asian family saw it in my relatives
oh my god...this is what i recently realized. I really had to work on my self esteem in order to self differentiate. It explained everything, I grew up in emotionally abusive home where I was really undefined in sense of self and when I grew up whenever I entered a romantic relationship I always felt too swept away? sort of feeling and it was really confusing because I did not have a clearly defined sense of self and I couldn't handle it because my sense of self felt so unclear. I really had to put lot of effort in finding out who I am in order to actually self differentiate. When I saw your videos about a year ago I didn't reall understand what self differentiation really meant, but now I do.. and changing and control..so true. and what you say about geographic distance not making a difference...you're so right, it's what I went through. No amount of distance helped. What helped was serious commitment on working on myself internally. thank you for this video it really helps
Wow.
Your words are like a mirror to me. Growing up in an enmeshed family, I always tried to distance myself and then when I had my own child, I repeated this enmeshment within my own family. Everything is quite clear now. Thank you, Jerry.
It's hard work to break that pattern of enmeshment. Keep seeking knowledge. Keep practicing what you learn. Your hard work will pay off!
I know God is able to help us overcome any and everything. I pray that you develop a whole and complete with relationship with self and Him. If you haven't done so already. And possibly see if you can find a therapist/counselor to help you with your journey to healing in Jesus name. So you can break free from this. I hate that I didn't find this out prior to having my son. I know my mom have gotten inside his head in a bad way. He is not really motivated to try to do anything positive in life, or take risk when it come to making decisions that could be beneficial to him. And I know that he started being really concerned about his weight and dieting. Because she was up here talking about how much he would eat and stuff. Smh. I'm like people need to learn how to be quiet. Because they will speak certain things over people. I'm just over all of it.
The point about the alcoholism in your family of origin is so spot on! I was like that as a teen and I was absolutely letting the fear of my father's addiction define me. It's sort of like if i dont press the red button i'll be fine, but all you're thinking about is pressing the red button and it actually brings you closer to the thing you fear. So wise, you need to stay in neutral. It's a problem when other ppl's mental health difficulties are defining you
Wow this is a great insight, your red button anaolgy really spoke to me so true, we become whatever we focus on even if it's anti- that thing whoa
Thank you for bringing things like this to light.
Your way of defining what is going on between people is so insightful. I really appreciate you!
I am finding myself using anger to keep people away, because I am frustrated and I don’t know how to address it, when I feel overwhelmed by other’s’ agendas, ( especially their “kind” advice and desire to “make” me “happy”.) I feel flattered that they want to “make”me feel better, ( because they think I am angry when I take my attention off of them) but it seems like I am continually explaining myself so that THEY won’t feel badly, and I am restating my boundaries over and over again. I’m not trying to hurt anyone, but I AM trying to get MY LIFE in better order. It takes a great deal of time/effort from things I must get done. This is a pattern I don’t know how to break. Help, Jerry!
I have been confusing emo enmeshment with emo intimacy all my life in my family. I realised recently after forty plus years, that im actually alone in this. And true intimacy is not possible with my parents because they just arent capable of it. Cannot keep trying to convert the enmeshment into connection.
Well that's a very important realization. Congratulations
Moving to another part of the country doesn’t mean your avoiding and still enmeshed… I’m differentiated, I feel compassion for my parents but can’t control them continuously crossing my boundaries and turning up on my doorstep. (“We’re your parents we can turn up whenever we like”.) So moving to another state was another way to create distance and more boundaries.
Amazing work thank you for this , enmeshment from childhood is very difficult to overcome . It requires long term work .
Family Bullying...
I have let my parents run my whole life it's sad! :(
Honey, you are innocent. You didn't have a say 💗
Yea that's true. Now I wake up everyday wondering why I even woke up? Living a life with regrets hurts soooo bad!!!
Chris Lupe But you are aware now. With awareness, you can change...even if it’s a little at a time.
@@TOLupe-ty6jb Byron Katie, who has plenty of videos on here, helped me tremendously. If you look back on your regrets, you will see that at that time that you did the best you could. The paradox here is that the way you 'hang in there' is by letting go. Godspeed 🙏🏼.
@@TOLupe-ty6jb It's never too late to make changes in your life, in yourself, and how you relate to them. Yes, it's sad, but you don't have to stay in that sadness. Life is about making choices. And you can make your own choices by also setting boundaries with them. Reach out to a relationship coach or Marriage and Family Therapist to teach you how and provide support for you even if your family members refuse to go, too. If that's the case, go just to work on yourself so you can self-differentiate and heal. You are worth it! I wish you the best! 💖
I love all your videos and tell anyone who will listen about them. Also, I appreciate it when you respond personally.
mary wolfe me too (telling anyone who’ll listen about Jerry’s videos). :)
Me too, I tag him all over Instagram. 😊
Same here...I have shared his "life coaching" videos as I like to think of them ...with those I have met in OA and with anyone who seems like they need encouragement from something he has talked about. This is such a blessing! Praise God!
WISE 💜
My,soon to be ex-husband,is extremely narcissistic and he's also heavily bonded to his narcissistic mother,and family,after 20 years of being bullied,cursed at,put down and blamed for everything,that ever happened,He called me a stalker,(I realized,this is true,(looking back over,the way he's been toward me,I really was acting like a stalker,)So I'm getting a divorce.
I was over parented and controlled by my mother. My life had been crippled by doubt for 20 years. could this be why?
Probably
You are changing/saving lives.❤
Thank you Julia, I'm glad the video was helpful heart ❤
Again jerry excellent insight and guidance. I so appreciate you. Heartfelt thanks 🙏
This is a wonderful perspective for those of us who struggle with boundaries. Thank you for sharing this information!
Hi Jerry,
This was the most clear, concise and informative video I’ve ever seen on Enmeshment. So much great information here that is easy to understand and relate to. Thankyou!
It takes all the miracles away, but pain as well. I moved from my parents 1500miles away and it did help. After couple of years.
Tera Balke Absolutely!!
Thank you Jerry for all the examples and time you put into this with steps how to work on self-differentiation. I took notes! (not the first time I have taken notes by the way...on your videos) Its helping me to understand and take steps to heal. You are a blessing. May you also be blessed in return!
I am having all of my videos transcribed. Hope this will help in the future. Jerry
Thank you so much, Jerry, for your great insights and advices. I have discovered your videos yesterday (the one about the parents with narcissistic children) and now I am watching for the third one. Where can we find the transcript for your videos? Thanks again!
This video can change the entire course of a life. Thank you so much for your work, Jerry. I am so grateful that I found your channel. Truly life changing 🙏
I just heard you talking about religion relating to enmeshment. So many, if not most of us, in the Christian faith were raised on legalism (Old testament "thou shalt and shalt not" ) instead of with the knowledge of Grace through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Many, if not most of us, might know the Gospel, but still think we're on a point system , earning our tickets to Heaven. It's a very burdensome way to live, and, if we believe that for ourselves, we tend to lay that on others, as well. Legalism is not true Christianity. In witnessing, the Bible says to be "fishers of men" and to "sow seeds", being a light, a good example, out of honor to God, but always respecting the free will of others.
"For by GRACE you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is THE GIFT OF GOD, not of works, lest anyone should boast." -- Ephesians 2:8 (emphasis mine)
12 step programs use enmeshment in sponsorship. I like the observer not an absorber. Stop the mission to change others. Sponsors become to enmeshed with people they are trying to help.
Anonymous except that people in such programs OBVIOUSLY WANT *to change.*
@@auntjemima2335 exactly no enmeshment but guidance and probably first real relationships...actually direct opposite of enmeshment.
Oh man I would kill to have you as my therapist! thank you for your wisdom!
Jerry, looking back at my childhood i only see the good things even though the bad easily outweighed the good. I think this is one of your most important videos.
Hello Jerry Wise! I hope it's not enmeshment to say your transformation is quite an accomplishment and congratulations! I saw an old video and realized what a fete you'd surmounted. I had the pleasure of losing weight also so I appreciate the challenge. Enjoying your helpful insights. Learning quite a bit. I am in the middle of avoidance and learning how to increase self differentiation. Thank you!!
Good stuff! Love your insight and wisdom, Jerry! Thank you!!❤️
I'm going to have to watch this again and maybe a third time. Every word is pure gold. Thank you!
Hey Jerry this is Sal the guy you spoke with a month-and-a-half ago I'm doing a lot better now and I appreciate this video of enmeshment because as I did a lot of self therapy and you were one of the biggest helps in my life I see now that too much togetherness too much in measurement was the root of my gaslighting family systems problem now I crave more than ever and been acting all my Cravings to be self differentiated and I'm more happier with my life and being alone appreciate and love more of myself and it's helped me to overcome being a sld thanks so much for this explanatory video😄😁☺😏
Amazing. Thank you so, so much, Jerry. This is the first time I clearly realised that enmeshment is something I need to look into.
Valerie we are all for this mini therapy . be safe
This is such an important video. Really, really useful -thank you so much Mr. Wise.
Listening to everything that Mr Jerry said here was so overwhelming true for me. Thank you Mr Jerry for your wisdom and helpful insight. Sending love and light to each and every person experiencing family of origin difficulties 🌻
Î've just discovered your videos. Great expertise and wisdom. Thank you so much for sharing.
The emeshment is unhealthy for me cuz my dad keeps disrespecting me n keeps crossing boundaries. He never calls me unless he doesn't hear from me for 3 months.
Elizabeth Seiden
My mom and sister used to do this to me.....I was always the one calling to check on them, try to do things. ...conversation was always one sided...if I didn't call them, it'd take a few days, they'd call, all mad, "just calling to check on you, I haven't heard from you" What the???? Soooo glad I'm healthy enough now to be ME
Same but it’s several times a month. I moved cross country as he was at my house every..single..day. My husband and I never had any privacy.
@@natthebratster ouch that is brutal. but your hubbie never told me off ?
@@PHlophe they eventually got into a show down where my father showed up at Ex:s work place and the police were called. Long story short: I know now that the 2 Narcs were fighting over their primary source like 2 dogs fighting over a bone. It's emotionally shattering to realize you are nothing more than a 'thing' that does their bidding to these folks. No contact is best even if it initially hurts
My older brother. I call and he doesn't reply. I ask why and he says, don't read into it. If i don't pick up when calls, he says, you need to fix your phone. OMG>
Excellent!! Thank you so very much for these invaluable life lessons! I often have to back up and listen again, and even repeat after you...to help me remember better. God bless you.
That was really amazing! Thank you!
This is why I hate any kind of family dynamics and it's a reflex for me to feel repelled and resistance when people try to get me involved.
Thank you so much. What an insightful video. Very much appreciated. I'm 59 and only just beginning to learn this.
Glad it was helpful!
Could you do some videos on adult narcissistic children who will not let go. Not only do they refuse to launch but they refuse to live a normal life and they cause trouble on top of it and get into trouble and constantly need to be bailed out of something serious like homelessness, but of course they can't come home. You've got to do everything and then they just turn around and do it again
What is pinging each other? Great video Jerry. Thanks so much.
I'm working on one today.
Jerry Wise Relationship Systems
I've gotten more help from you than I did from six months of therapy Thanks for your gracious reply.
I am doing that video today, it will be entitled "Parents Who Have Children Who Are Narcissists"
@@jerrywise so glad you did that video. Exactly what I needed. Now I can take the steps and free myself .It's going to take a lot of work especially with two grandchildren involved. I suppose I'll be helping them in some way too. Living with a narcissist daughter.
Thanks for another helpful video🙏🏻🌺
Tremendously helpful, Jerry - I shall be referring to this talk and connected ones. Take care of yourself.
Amazing how you've described my entire life, I have alot of work to do wrt self differentiation, I am pretty much at the extreme edge of that scale.
“Give up what you’re buying in trade-offs for your no-self position in relationships.” (peacemaking, can’t stand them being mad at me, compliance, lowered anxiety, etc) Wow.
I was goaded all my life and this gave fuel to my narc's , its still hard to undo this, i have no contact now. Many many thanks for all your video's they are so helpful.
Much needed perspective!
Thanks. That was a lot of what I needed. Your very good at that imo.
Very well explained Sir. Your clinical elaboration along with Bowen's concept is indeed v.helpful Sir. 😊🙏
Thank you for your kind words
“Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist”
Workshop
Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC
July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time
On Zoom
Topics:
The Illusions of the Narcissist
The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists
Living in the War Zone
7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist
10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently
Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding
Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment
Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents
Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have
And more…
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Q & A
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Verry Wise.
Jorgeruiz Clever 😁
😂
I'm still having difficulty of finding that balance with enmeshment. When I was a young adult and I asked my mom questions she would give me vague answers and I never felt she was telling the truth. So now i seem to be doing the opposite of her behavior and when people ask me questions, I tell them more then I should.
When do we know what is a good balance of not giving too much information? This is more of an issue I have with coworkers.
Watching this now , in 2021, years later. This is great!!! thank you. explains alot. whoah
Glad it was helpful!
Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information.
Also,
I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021
“Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work
It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom
Sign up on website to get info on workshops
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• Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop
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I am speechless.. thank you so much 😭😍
Thank you for explaining it so wise-ly ), it's helpful
You're very welcome!
Yes he won't let my breath OMG he has me googling shit I learn new stuff everyday
That was very helpful. Thank you
Thank you for this video! It helps ❤
You're so welcome!
This is good. Thank you
Thanks for your videos great insight
Your videos are so helpful Jerry thank you
🙏🏼❤️ thank you- terrific information 🙏🏼
Glad it was helpful!
The addiction thing makes me think of Peaches and Paula Geldof. She grew up knowing her mother died of a heroin overdose as a small child and then went on to die the same way. She was probably always thinking about that death in her darkest moments, the same with Sylvia Plath and her son. I think depression probably has a genetic component but when you lose a parent so young in such circumstances as addiction or suicide which are essentially the same thing it leaves an indelible mark on the child's psyche
So many families are toxic to grow up in. We are deprived of true acceptance and emotional support just to develop healthily and to flourish. Parents bring their own emotional baggage onto the marriage and it gets dumped on the children or marital problems sometimes are projected on to the children who are then rejected and scapegoated. Then those children have the added burden of needing the therapy because they grew up without the love they needed from their parents. Working through that emotional nightmare is so necessary in order to self-differentiate, heal, and be free.
Peaches Geldolf looked for answers in drugs and Thelema. Thelema will make even a “normal” person very dark and confused.
Hi Jerry. I want to appreciate you for another wonderful video. I will like to work with you and get over my codependency and enmeshment. Can you please tell me the kinds of programs you have available and also the cost. Thanks and God bless
Oh I need help. Brought up with little family iv never been enmeshed with them. Now I absolutely dont understand my husbands constant daily expectation we revolve around his family. I dont mind occasionally but they dont like me and as time has passed iv grown not to want their company at all. We cant even move out of the area as the rule is he wont move more than a few streets away from them. I seriously need advice. I cant handle it anymore.
Send me your email address and I will send you resources
Jerrywise5@gmail.com
I was raised by a mother with her own attachment issues and when my dad left my big sis became fixer partner for my mom and I became emotional surrogate. No boundaries allowed. Ripe from that I went into 20 years domestic abuse with narcissist husband all the while being told have more faith pray more be long suffering dont repay evil for evil love is sacrifice, like Jesus. Don't be selfish! Just now learning how much Jesus loves me and my kids more than "marriage" and He hates oppression of all kinds! Its what He came to deliver us from! So hard to grow up erase the tapes.
Hi, we are taught to bond with our children when they are small, then they get to this weird stage 15, 16, 17, they still need us but are slowly supposed to grow independent from the parents. How can we have a healthy medium where that codependency and emeshment is at a minimum. I’m trying to be a good parent but it seems I only identify myself as so and sos parent , it’s like I don’t have an identity other than being this person parent. Love her to death but I need more videos for this weird stage , this older teen stage
@Elle D I don't yet have kids, but as someone that was once a teen froma dysfunctional background, I agree with what you said. Even going i to adulthood, I flt like mybdad always talked at me instead of to me. He was always too quick to try and fix me that he would forget I have a mind of my own to sometimes.
Try to see her/him more as your friend rather as your child. Also, reinforce other roles except that of a mother. You are also a woman, a friend, a wife, a business woman e.t.c
The real crazy thing is they want to be emeshed and don't even genuinely LIKE you.
I relate to this perfectly
I live an ocean and a continent away from my mom, but still she tries soooooo hard to manipulate me. Miles do not affect her
M so happy to watch your every video...
Wow perfectly said!
I'm enmeshed
Every human being who has ever lived is involved in some form or another of emmeshment.
No that not true. There are healthy family systems. That's called interdependence
Can emeshment become crippling to a co dependant who has a narcissist dad? How can we disable emeshment permanately?
Amazing video thanks.
🎩
👁👁
👃🏻
👄. 👌🏻
Great to see you looking so healthy your transformation is just amazing and every bit as inspiring as your work on the development of self and relational contexts and dynamics.
Well done👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Good idea ..maybe helpful to some people
Great video
Glad you enjoyed it
Thank you.
Brilliant
Thanks Jerry, it was a informative video. Just would like to ask you if enmeshment & abuse , can it lead to CPTSD?
What about when the mother calls the siblings to gossip about them even tho they said keep this between us ?
Thank you for posting this video Jerry. After I watched this video, all elements fits on my husband and his family's relationship. I would like to have my husband to watch this video but he gets offensive about it. Any solution without making him feels offensive?? Please let me know, I do need your help. Thank you.