Radically acceptance is when you basically stop gaslighting yourself and you finally validate your perception and your feelings over the narcissistic bs
True love is unconditional love. Is anyone normal? No, because no one is like anyone else. However I have have found there to be 2 distinct groups of people. Those who are far from perfect, and those who know they are far from perfect. Regardless of the personality type of your spouse, if you plan to be married for long then you are going to have to accept a lot of stupid s'''"t
Seen this months ago: Grief is really just love. It's all the you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and the hallow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.
Yes, it's so true! When I'm overwhelmed with grief and it feels stuck in my body I sometimes do a loving-kindness meditation and mentally send it into the universe. It makes me feel like I'm turning something sad into something good, even if it's only in my mind, and it helps me work past those feelings. But I definitely run into days where I don't have the presence of mind to do that too, and I let myself wallow. It's always a work in progress I guess.
The radical acceptance was a pivotal point for me . It was was like a kick in the pants. My husband went off on his regular explosive attack on me one night before dinner. I actually looked at him and said. “I am so done with you”. It just came out of my mouth. God it felt so good. The next day I started on how to leave him. Where to live etc. I am now after an excruciating 1 1/2 years of grey rocking and weathering through the emotional storm. I am proud to say I am now at two months living in my own beautiful place. Slowly recovering. Your videos have been a huge help on this trying journey. Thank you!!!
It's hard, but you can love yourself even better with practice. I am finding great comfort in the fact that I can now be the parent to myself that I always wished for.
@@asparrow5505 yes I did have peace, when she would get mean I would just say I got to go, see you later and I left or got off the phone. I had much peace when she died, I did what I could. I accepted this is just who she was.
"Living on hope..." that hit me really hard, because narcs suck everything else out of you, so all you have left to live on is hope, and even that is false hope. Nobody deserves this.
@@LiveFreeWarrior no, that’s not always true. Some hopes can be good to have because they’re accurate and point to something that is possible within the realms of reality. But hoping an incorrigible person will change to stop hurting you... that’s not a hope, it’s a death wish, and we all deserve better than that, because out there in the world there is so much better than that!
@@skylaralexis7699 I think having our own definition of what hope is in the works on an individual level may be a better approach. There is no right or wrong, only our own healing journey!
I never knew there was a term for this until now. The day it happened I came home early from work and found my narcissistic ex-husband with his mistress (one of many it turned out) messing around in front of our youngest daughter, who was six months old at the time. I separated from him that day and that night woke up at 4am, our six month old curled up next to me, and when I looked at the silhouette of her peaceful, sleeping face in the darkness, it felt like a sledgehammer hit me in the chest. I began to weep uncontrollably as the truth sank in. Up until that day, I still had hope. Hope that he wasn't as awful as I knew deep down he truly was. Hope that he would change. But after the events of that day, *I* was done. And as a result, our children would never know a birthday or holiday without division. Our youngest would never experience a single Christmas morning where she wakes up and is simply at home. For several years I felt guilty for making the decision to end the marriage and thus "destroying" my children's family, but he is the one who destroyed it though years of abuse, lies, and coercive control. And it had been destroyed long before that day, that day was just when I finally accepted reality. The grief of it was nearly unbearable and that night was the beginning of an excruciating and life-threatening chess game for freedom, but I chose authenticity for my children and for myself, prayed to the universe to help us navigate hell, and we did. Hugs and love to everyone out there struggling with this ❤. And thank you, Dr. Ramani for your incisive and elucidating videos on this subject.
Oh my god I am so incredibly sorry for what you've been through that is unspeakably agonizing and my heart goes out to you for your struggle for the fight of your life but you broke away and so YOU WON. You won your life back and did the right thing and your actions are teaching your children how to enforce their boundaries with toxic individuals.
Navigating hell... That's powerful.. although my narcissist and i don't have such deep connection my husband has it. It's his mom. I had radical acceptance and cut off and moved on.. i often wonder why my husband still has hope.. it's because it's hell to navigate once you get to radical acceptance because of such deep bond.... I don't think he'll ever let go of the hope.. the guilt is way too much..
I'm proud that you found the strength to leave after all the years of abuse and control . May your path be blessed, peace be found and love follow you all the rest of your days.
Ideas about death are a good approach ... you're imagining you have only one year. For me, (in '07) ...I 'killed myself off' ...I killed off the self identity, self concept of what my life was...
@@sk6964 thanks for the reply. Very well. The basic end result was I realized how much baggage I had accumulated in my self identity that was really other people ...uh, (🤔 projecting?) ...expectations for my life. ...those things were never MY expectations. I could list a lot of specifics but that would be a lot of writing. ... religion, creativity, marriage...just to generalize. It was a sort of awakening experience in '07, very powerful. I couldn't explain it even if I tried. ...at times I felt like I was going crazy, I even talked to a crisis therapist about it... But, yeah, I live life day to day now. 😁👍
Instead of holding out hope for the narcissist, what if we (through radical acceptance) refocus that hope on ourselves? Hope that we can learn from the grief, hope that we will be stronger because of our experiences, hope that we will make the difficulties we've survived become our superpowers.
It is strange, we survivors hold onto immense hope for the narc to change, yet we do not give nearly as much hope, forgiveness and acceptance to ourselves. I wish you all the best on your journey to peace and authenticity 👍
When you accept the person for exactly who they are you suddenly are free and you take back your power when you decide you are no longer part of the drama and games they are playing.
@@mollymaina4973 so true. At some point you have to ask would it be acceptable for the narcissist / toxic asshole to treat someone you cherished the same as they treat you? Normally you won’t make excuses for them at that point and you realize the answer is no and therefore it’s just as unacceptable for them to treat you poorly too.
I finally understand my brother will never change. I tried to bribe him with candy when we were kids to be nice me. The last time I spoke to him I told him it doesn't have to be this way....his reply was You always have to be right about everything....projecting. Okay, I've had it. I'm. just going to walk away. It's sad, but better than the abuse.
Having to accept that my parents have so much contempt for me was the worst heartbreak of my life. The grief is terrible but the peace of mind is priceless. Radical acceptance saved my life!
Once you know that they will never change. It will set you free to move on with your life and end the relationship. It is hard and painful but it is better than living in delusion .
I just left a HELLA toxic, abusive marriage after 25 years on Monday. I was lucky that The Lord allowed me to detach during the marriage the last 3 years because He saw what I didn't yet. I radically accepted that things weren't even gonna change and this was NOT how I wanted to live the rest of my life. After 42 years of toxic people from family, to friends, teachers, and my husband, grief has become my closest friend.....
At age 59, oldest of 7, professional scapegoat I am. It's taken Dr. Ramani, Dr. Carter & others to illustrate WHY I've FINALLY come to this stage. Acceptance. Lonely, yes! but healthy. Thank you again, Dr. Ramani, for all the intricately worded & deeply important lectures. You've helped me immensely.
It was a single moment, and it changed my life. When it clicked, I became a different person. I understood FINALLY that this person did not care about me and that nothing would ever change. And that was it. I was free.
Baby steps that’s how I’m trying to do it. Every time I miss him I close my eyes and remember how alone, how empty how devaluated he made me feel. It’s been really hard, to let go of the dream of a happy family. You’re videos have been life changing. THANK YOU
You are the family Ximena. Meditation and the now will help you focus on you and over time the pain will subside (for me it was years). Then you will be the authentic, awesome you!
I’m currently experiencing radical acceptance of my narcissistic upbringing..I couldn’t remember my childhood & now it is playing in my head like a movie.
I hear that. I had hidden so much from myself, it just came bubbling up and I was stunned how clearly I remembered almost everything. I feel fortunate that I have some very compassionate friends. I needed them to process all those memories.
thank you for sharing that; one of my greatest hopes is that I will be able to find the childhood memories I 'lost'/ repressed. as painful as they may be, I yearn to know the completeness of my own story, and to have this integration!
One thing that really helped me move on, was when the girl who replaced me immediately saw his bullshit, confronted him and left him. When I heard that she had done that, I got SO jealous. I wasnt even jealous that she was dating him bc I was so ready to leave. But I felt shame that I had not been smart enough or strong enough to do what she did. So whenever I'm in a situation like this where i know i should leave, I think of the jealousy I felt for that girl and how I wanted to be the girl who respected herself, who set boundaries and was honest. The authenticity I saw in her was a million times more attractive to me than anything my ex could have given me. So when this happens to me, I have two choices; chose my ego and spend my life chasing after something i dont want or building a life for myself that's fulfilling in every way.
One of the most complex things about radical acceptance is that when we start doing the deep dive into our patterns we find the toxicity is rooted in multiple sources. So we are left having to radically accept a large mass of things and may not be able to cognitively or emotionally take this all on at once. We may have reached indifference with one person which leaves a void that beckons vulnerability to lapsing into hope that another will change.
So true, I've gotten a better handle on my radical acceptance with my marriage but it's bringing to light the narcissistic patterns in my family, which are almost more painful in some ways. But I'm using what I learned to work through those issues as well, and I've been supporting my cousins with their struggle with toxic behaviors in the family.
This was the case for me as well and realized I was plagued with narcissistic relationships all around me. First my husband of 20 years, the person I considered my one close friend, and now members of my family. It's painful to have so many relationships of conditional love that looking back I'm surprised I got this far. Unfortunately a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms were a part of my life because of my experiences and trying to deal with and overcome those in therapy. I divorced in the summer and it has been unbelievably hard and lonely because of judgement and grief of what could've or should've been, but there is hope.
@@melissagraber2687 You are very brave to make these major changes and be 100% honest with yourself. It is scary when the Matrix starts to break down around us and we begin to see things as they are - your story is very relatable. It is a lonely road, but at least we are all in good company here :) Take care and best wishes as you move into this new chapter.
Radical acceptance REQUIRES me to look at my attachment issues. Asking myself, what's my hope rooted in? Why do I keep coming back for more? Could it be as simple as reliving my childhood wish that my parents would notice me? Yes, it is. I've got to radical accept that too.
Did anyone else start sobbing when she discussed down regulating our feelings just to survive the narcissistic relationship? Like oh... there's all the emotions I've been suppressing! 🥺😭
@@stevemeacham6880 It gets better, I've been doing counselling every week for almost two years now and I have a new career and am starting to have some plans for my future. Takes a lot to get over years of narc abuse, but it's worth the effort
Radical acceptance brought me peace. And yes, the grief & mourning returns every now and then, but overall I'm so much better off now than when I was holding on to hope. When holding on to hope, the grief happens DAILY! But once you accept that he/she will not ever change, you can move forward.
Look at me, a trial lawyer, when it got to the point where I recognized my ex was gas lighting me, I treated him like a hostile witness, I would cross-examine him back. I never backed down from his b/s and I could cross-examine him to the point where I could knock the wind out of him. Word salad central. You have to walk away. Otherwise, you're just living in a house with this person, barely saying a word to each other. Get a cat and move out.
This is me currently with my grandmother that I’ve now come to realize is a sociopath I would spend so much time fighting with her and I’ve finally gotten to the point where I’ve realized it’s best to just not speak to her it’s hard to do when u live with them but life has been getting better
The heartbreak, disappointment, feeling invisible and unheard and the twisting of my feelings and what actually happened is something I have to remind myself on the days where I feel the grief hits me. I had 3 weeks of powering through and radical acceptance then a week of intense grief. But slowly getting there with help from you as well!
No one likes feeling pain, we try to avoid it. It's a survival instinct - it tells us what is injurious or dangerous to our safety & well being. Crying turns to stone if you don't get it out. Sending you thoughts from afar. 🌏🌱
Did you also constantly think about the good things? I feel like I'm going crazy, it's like I have two different brains running in parallel, one that remembers all the bad things that you mentioned and another that remembers all the good things that also existed. How did you manage to stop thinking about/longing for the good things?
Dr Ramini - Thank you for exposing narcissism and shedding light on it! I grew up with a narcissist mother and then married one. What a roller coaster ride that was. I left my marriage 6 years ago, after 34 years of ‘radical acceptance’. I have to add... I just had the best time with my mother the last 3 years, as she suffered from dementia and did not know who she was! We talked as if we were strangers and I made her laugh. She did not know who I was but she was always happy to see me. I am still trying to come to terms with the grieving of all the wasted years. However, now I have hope and it’s my own.
Once I realized that forgiveness was only delaying the inevitable the only option was walking away. The risks are too high that I will be placed in that abusive cycle again. If it happened once it can happen again. There was nothing worth salvaging. I would rather grieve what was in the past and begin to move forward than hope and grieve everyday of my life by staying with him. I’m done hoping he will change, I’m saving my hope for myself and better days for me. Maybe today will be the day I won’t grieve for what was or could have been.
Wow, the fact that choosing the forgiveness (or as Dr. Ramani was alluding to, denial) path is “delaying the inevitable” put things into perspective for me. That certainly adds to the complexity of radical acceptance.
Forgiveness isn't denial. Forgiveness is choosing to not seek revenge toward that person and not allowing your heart to become bitter or hardened but still walking away from someone who will not change.
I agree with you. Forgiveness is accepting what was done but not excusing the behavior. We know what we deserve & our worth. Send them on their way and we go our way in grace.
Truth! This is how I explain it when asked: leaving a narc (experiencing radical acceptance) is realizing you are on a battlefield, stuck in a trap, and choosing to amputate your own leg to survive. Grieving the loss takes time...but the leg will grow back. You loose your 'story' of what 'you' (yes, you) helped paint your life to look like. Some of the guilt comes from accepting that you helped perpetuate the narcs lies. That is a hard pill to swallow.
My dads brain injury wasn't enough to change my mom... becoming a grandma (twice) during a pandemic wasn't enough to change my mom... 2021 is the year of radical acceptance for me. I appreciated this video today... so much grieving.
My wife and I were hoping her Narc Father would change when he became a Grandfather but we feel it made him worse. He clamped down even harder on his adult kids and he made sure his grandchildren knew by the age of 3 that he was the one in charge. I've never seen such a toxic family dynamic before. It was shocking. My wife and I walked away from it when our son was 3 months old. He turns 5 next week :)
@@Dr.Dark78 That must have been such a painful decision to make when your son was so young. But it's a beautiful thing that you and your wife were able to see past the guilt trips and make the decision to protect your family above all. Happy early birthday to your little one
@@Dr.Dark78 ignore the haters. I hear you, after loosing 4 children, a cancer battle and more, I thought my miracle child would bring realisation to my family on how precious life is... Raised by narc's married a narc (stayed 25 yrs) How wrong I was, they just wanted to corrupt and own little one, and further scapegoat me. We fled to a refuge for safety, leaving all. I did look back and gave yet another chance with boundaries in place. The toxicity and sabotage increased, they delight in cruelty. Sadly I had to face the truth to save my children's children. My little one is 5, we are alone, I'm a working mom in healthcare, life is not easy but it's sure better than it was. I cry when needed but I have joy. Jesus rescued me from a pit. So pleased you and your wife saved your son, birthday wishes 😁
For me, I was so emotionally exhausted and absolutely at the end of my rope, that radical acceptance was the less of two evils so to speak. Ten months out of that 16yr toxic situation, and never felt more optimistic, healthier and more at peace! Thank you so much Dr. Ramani. You are a life saver 💖
My radical acceptance definitely came after an intense few weeks of grief. Every morning for a whole week I would wake up before my wife to make breakfast and I would just sob for 20 minutes realizing that my family would never have my back and would just blame me and gaslight me when it came to my sister's emotionally abusive husband assaulting me in my house. I just had to accept that they were never gonna do anything about it because they didn't care about me, my wife, or how we felt about it. They just wanted me to get over it and stop "making things hard" for them. I had to accept that they will never confront my sister or her husband about his toxic behavior and animal abuse. They'll never do anything about keeping my toddler nieces safe. I just had to accept all of that and it was painful. It was excruciating. I never cried that much in my life. But now, I feel just relieved that I can walk away and no longer deal with it. I still hurt from time to time. It comes and goes. I don't think there will ever be a day when I never think about it again. I'm okay with that. My wife and I are about to have our son, our first child. I take comfort knowing that he will never be exposed to that toxicity. For those of you are who afraid to do it, who are overwhelmed by the painful process, the guilt and the grief, I understand. I'm not going to pressure you one way or the other or try to prescribe my solution to your situation. But if you can bring yourself to do it, *I promise you,* the grief is worth the relief. ❤ You got this ✊🏻
@@floxendoodle942 there's animal and by extension child abuse. My wife is a mandated reporter, and we filed a report. But you already know how that stuff goes.
You speak like you've been through this Dr. R. I feel your pain in this one. Going thru it myself and it's the hardest and most isolating, lonely thing I've ever experienced, yet also the most freeing. Weird AF, but I'll take it because it gave me a new kind of hope - a hope in myself being enough and learning to craft the exact kind of life I've secretly always dreamed of. I am creating it now. Finally.
I endured “no more” for nearly 20 years. Finally I grabbed my daughter and fled. It was NOT easy - in fact he’s still trying to worm his way back in. Even though it was the right thing to do, the grievance is real. I’m still working on myself.
👊👍 Thank you for youself and your daughter! It is incredibly difficult/terrifying to leave It will continue to be difficult But the goals/results become drastically different and well worth it ❤
Same! After 20 years I grabbed my daughter and ran away from home a few months ago. I am in the same emotional state as yours and my guy is doing the same. He is weeping and crying and asking for forgiveness, but still telling the world that he is sorry for his part of the mistake even if I do not apologize for my mistake. He says, he is willing to take the entire blame.
@@julianasteven4211 I’ve gotten many versions of that, unfortunately. After being together for so many years, I’ve come to recognize his cycles. At the beginning, he was full of hope, how he’d take of me, he’s gonna build me a house (he’s in construction), we’re gonna go to Hawaii, Bali, Australia, Spain... Reality: fired off of literally every job he got, got heavy into drugs and alcohol, he didn’t work more than 3-4 months total between 2008 - 2016, while I worked 2 jobs and was going to school. But I would keep bouncing back to him when he’d make even a tiny effort to support the household, he’d love bomb the hell out of me (and I always fell for it, even though I knew it wouldn’t last), but cyclically he’d be back to his old ways of not working, stealing money from kids to buy drugs/alcohol, and of course have excuse after excuse why he didn’t have a job. Any NORMAL person would’ve left loooong ago, but not me 😖. I’ve gotten to the very sad realization that I’ve radically accepted this person, he will NEVER change, and honestly I’m sad about it. But.... I thank god that this lock down was just me and my teenage daughter, and not him to create chaos for us.
Sometimes all I want is to sit down with a responsible, trustworthy, smart, compassionate, good adult and have a healthy conversation. This is something I've never had! Please help me.
I am a person that lives by the spirit of "hope. love and believe". Whether it is in yourself, in others or in life. I always had hope that the narc will finally understand my feelings, I always had unconditional love for them. I always had the believe that everything they say (even if it is invalidating) it was true. Not anymore. It is hard to accept that I can't apply this spirit towards narcs and their behavior. Because I always forget to consider the hope, love and believe towards myself. When dealing with the narc it is so draining and annoying. I created a poem on my channel about the feeling and healing. It is a way I cope and grief. Unfortunately we are robbed of our happiness and peace, but we can reclaim it. It is tough, but we can do it. Don't give up.
Similarly to you, I believe in being an open book, practicing radical honesty, having no boundaries (at least before I met the narc), and being a free & open spirit. “Ask me anything” kind of attitude. Then I met someone in my partners family. My radical honesty, open-book attitude quickly had me in the center of a family intervention. Everything I had told her had been twisted around, untruths added in, and had made me out to be absolutely crazy, out of control, reckless. I had miles of backtracking, explaining, clarifying to do. Smear campaign, scapegoating, gaslighting, all of it took place... I didn’t know what was happening until I found Dr. Ramani. And I’m so grateful to her for getting me through this tough patch. This chapter of my life is completely changing it. Redirecting my life path, and changing my personality to be much more guarded, boundaries in full force, and much less trusting or hopeful in my interactions with people. Like you, I believe everyone, love and hope for their inner spirit to be nothing but full of love. It’s so depressing to find that the whole world isn’t like that, and that people with this personality disorder can be so detrimental to our lives. One things for certain, I won’t be fooled again.
I hope that your seeing an unpleasant truth has also revealed to you new paths to move forward in your life. Please remember to be kind and gentle to yourself now and always through your continued healing in life.
I grew up with a narcissistic mother and I just broke off an engagement with a narcissist and went no contact and honestly for me it wasn’t a hard choice because I know myself worth I know what I bring to the table I am a Christian I believe in God and Jesus Christ and I know from the Bible that light cannot cohabitate with darkness and I categorically refuse to be in a relationship or as I say Situationship that is not equally yoked and that made it a lot more doable when I set my mind on the right perspective..... I did go through a grieving process but it was not elaborate or lengthy and grieving is a natural process of healing so fast forward one year I am in my best trajectory of life and living the best version of myself and I wish and pray for all of this for all of you and thank you so much Dr. Ramani for all that you do!!!
"Light cannot cohabitate with darkness". Regardless of one's religious convictions (or not) this is a perfect way to put it. :) Not only did I have to end a 21 year marriage to a narcissist, but I've had to cut ties with my father and siblings as well once I realized that they are wired up the same way and surely the reason why I attracted and was attracted to toxic men in the first place. Sadly, they are also "darkness" and I can no longer be in any kind of relationship with them. I thought that I did, but really what I wanted was their approval-which I'll never get. What I realized is that It was always one-sided so I'm not really missing anything. In fact, my life is much more peaceful now that I don't have to walk on eggshells wondering which one of them will be the next in line to stab me in the back. Thanks for your comment! I will keep the light/darkness idea in mind.
@@hollymccanncoaching1913 You are very welcome! It's so great that we can freely share our thoughts and beliefs without fear of criticism or judgement as we are all unique individuals who have the freedom to make their own choices. Every best wish of wellness and success to you!! Blessings!!
Bianney Sanchez Amen to that and I will be praying for you both And we both know God is a very faithful and amazing Heavenly Father to us and he never fails us!
a friend of mine said to me you had better face it, those 2 kids of yours have a lot of their Daddy in them. Their father was an alcoholic and very neglectful, I was so lonely with him. Got rid of him and then my 2 kids turn out like him. It is so painful and lonely with them, they have no time for anyone just like him. This is not easy. Like you said will always be some bad days. Most days are good now. I dont want a life time of disappointment so I am making myself accept this. Thanks Dr Ramani for opening up my eyes, I dont want to be ripped to shreads. Yes, grieving the life I could have had. I refused to accept this because of being overwhelmed, time for me to change.
Near the end of my 21 year marriage to a covert narcissist I gave up hope. It was freeing and gave me the emotional space I needed to heal enough to eventually leave the marriage. In retrospect I see this was the radical acceptance you recommend. I've been divorced a little less than a year and it has been a wonderful year in spite of the pandemic, etc. My aunt is letting me and my youngest child stay with her as we go to school. I'll be done soon and will get a new job and start my new life. No matter what happens from here, at least my child and I don't have to live in a situation rife with daily emotional abuse.
I've recently started to actively practice radical acceptance, the moment thoughs of hope start to appear, I repeat myself that it's a path that takes me nowhere but the lost of my identity. When I was a kid I always tried to make things "right", to accept the guilt my father gave me, to make plans over and over again in order to "fix" that house that kept falling down; those where painful and exhausting years, and that was my childhood as well, living with the believe something was wrong with me. Now, I know that I can't go back and change my childhood, that those dreams and plans are make-believes. I still cry almost every day, and feel exhausted. I can go to therapy now and forgive myself, but after those sessions the pain does not dissapear, I don't feel happy, I grieve for my past and all the pain I still feel. Is hard to cry and at the same time recognice I'm doing what is right for me. Thank you for this videos, they remind me that I'm not alone, and that there is a reason for me doing all this work, I'm doing this for myself.
I accepted that none of these peole would change only at the end of 2020 at the age of 44. Have reached out to a psychologist and healing slowly. The clarity is good. The grief is bad. I get sleepless nights thinking of my fears of ending up alone.
I have had sleepless nights as well & wondering if I will be alone. The truth is I remember feeling alone even when I was with him. My GF said he has never even been a good friend let alone a boyfriend cause your friends would NEVER treat you so badly. This is true. Wr can do it, hang in there. 😊
oof. why you trying to make me cry Dr Ramani? 😭 When you said, its easier to be in denial and think that there is hope, then to radically accept, while facing the grief head on. Yea, that really hit home. I conditioned myself like that, so I can stay more positive. You are right, the days go back and forth. Some days, better than others. I do see where radical acceptance and working through those negative emotions can pay off for better mental health. It definitely is a tall order, so you are right its a journey. Its a skill basically then, something that will get easier to do over time with practice. Thank you for sharing. I always appreciate the thought provoking content on the daily :)
Radical acceptance for me was both freeing and painful. I have a friend who is living in what I call denial hope. I chose not to live that way anymore. I am now living with truth. The truth that I am not responsible for his feelings and actions. I can live with the pain, I can't live without truth.
I chose radical acceptance. I process the grief in therapy. Some days living 100 miles away is enough, some days it doesn't make up for a lost childhood. I do enjoy the clarity though at the end of the day.
As my mother's bright public side tricked many into seeing her in only a positive way, it took me a long time to accept her dark side. And the grieving you speak of is real. I had to come to that place, and I grieved and grieved for quite a while until at last, acceptance was complete. I no longer tried to convince her of things she could not see. As hard as it was to come alongside her in her last years, the emotional maturity acceptance produced I will forever cherish. Now, with eyes wide open I continue to walk my path with clarity. Thank you, Dr. Romney, for your words of truth that help many.
One of the most painful realizations I had in my relationship w/ a narcissist was when I had to see a cardiologist. He was sitting beside me when the doctor told me I have an enlarged heart. A short time later I mentioned it. He didn't know what I was talking about. He was there but he didn't care enough to listen to my diagnosis. I had to accept that I or my health truly doesn't matter to this man. I'm going to be so screwed if I ever need him to advocate for me in a medical situation. I have a few health issues. I'm certain he couldn't tell you anything about my health even if you put a gun to his head. I found myself testing him to see if he remembers information I've shared w/ him. It lead to the realization that he hasn't bothered to get to know me. After sharing my life w/ this man for so many yrs I'm basically living w/ a stranger. He put me in a box from day one & thats where I'll stay in his mind. I'll never be anything to him except the false perception he projects on to me. I'm not that person but he doesn't care enough to know the real me. It's so depressing to feel like I've wasted over half my life w/ this person. I gave up hoping he'll change. By learning about narccisim I've come to understand my relationship w/ my mother & how I ended up in relationships with ppl that..... don't care. I'm financially stuck in this situation. I fantasize about what it'd be like to be in a healthy relationship. Don't ignore your lack of happiness. Don't waste your life thinking you have a chance at happiness if only someone changes. I understood narcissism before I realized I'm living w/ one. The day I came to realize he's a narcissist was the worst. I cried & tried to convince myself that it wasn't true. The truth will not be ignored though. I don't want revenge on my narcissists. I just want to be the person I could have had been if not for being raised by narcissists. I want a partner that's capable of loving me. I accept that the man I love will never love me. I don't say this lightly. This is destroying me. I hate myself for being so weak.
@@Gwen13061 thank you for your kind words. If you only knew how little positive feed back or encouragement I've been given throughout my life. My brother once told me I was a good runner because I beat him in a race. That one comment drove me to join track & win. I'm embarrassed at how empowered your words made me feel and why am I crying? I will return to read this countless times. I know i will. Thank you. 💛
Crazy how sometimes you know the truth, but hearing it OUT LOUD ( everything you said Dr. R.) from an unbiased professional, somehow helps... after all, we've been so carefully trained (or groomed) to second guess our thoughts, actions, even our own feelings...it only makes sense we wonder if we are being overly sensitive, dramatic, or harsh toward our narc...thank you for validating and reassuring us, that it's OK (and normal and part of the process) to be "not ok". It hurts, but that's ok. 😑
I remember my radical acceptance moment when sitting in the parking lot of a church while attending a marriage seminar that our pastor thought would help. It had been so horrible and my husband was punishing me for making him attend! I started crying uncontrollably thinking how can this man love me when he treats me this way? He bagel throwing Kleenex at me and telling me to stop crying because we had to go back inside and I was going to look horrible and embarrass him! That was my radical acceptance moment! I went back to school, finally got him to move out and then filed for divorce! Yes, it was extremely painful! But it was more painful to stay!
Thank you for this video. I was so trapped in the "everyone can change" denial bubble for years. I was slowly killing my voice, my mind, and my spirit. After breaking off contact, I have felt so free. I am putting all the effort I put into the relationship into mending my relationship with myself. Thank you for this video because it is what I needed to hear today.
after 8 years of his narc abuse,, I knew I loved myself too much to stay ,, 8 months No Contact,, blocked on all devices,, the mourning process,, the anger ,, the sadness,, and now I’m accepting the realization and impact of this facade,,,, I had to forgive myself for seeing the red flags,, and ignoring them ,,, this has taught me to be cautious around people,, and listen to my heart ❤️
Truth remains the truth whether you accept it or not. More painful is your life when you are surrounded by narcissists and you have to do it every other time. At one point of time, you feel lonely..all alone in this world. You can weep about it and with helplessness, accept your reality and move on.
My children’s father is a narcissistic person I’ve been told. He left me with second child in arms at 18 days old 2 years ago when I confronted him as I found out he was having an affair with a work colleague and also had a hidden wife. There turns out to be 5 women and families involved and he became violent past two years after I threw him out to me. My kids and my life is destroyed and I am watching your videos to get myself help. I grieve as he appeared normal before the finding out. I am having to go through this process of radical acceptance and I think you have helped me a tonne today by saying that I am doing it right regardless of the pain bcos it will still hurt so thank you. I want to write a book about my life over 15 years with him and the 5 double lives he led concurrently to teach others that this does go on.
I'm so profoundly glad your channel exists. It's so validating to hear that all of this unhealthy behavior this person had were not just a "bad childhood" and "born in the ghetto" and "had it rough growing up" and this is why they act the way they do. Just accepting that this person is 30 years old now, and cannot blame anyone anymore for their own behavior. Not mommy or daddy or ex-boyfriends or me. When I realized that I realized that it really is ALL THEM. That's when I accepted that it's never going to change.
There is a lot of grief. I noticed that once you are on this pathway of radical acceptance, you also grieve the person you once were..which for the most part, is someone naive who always tried seeing the best in everyone.
Dr. Ramani - Thank you. I’m one of the millions of people you have helped through your books and UA-cam channel. I made the decision to radically accept that my narcissistic husband will never change. It is excruciating to give up that hope. But, I want to tell everyone that once you accept the reality, despite the pain, it does get better. Replace the hope you had for the narcissist to change, with faith in yourself to change. You can have a great future. A great life. It doesn’t matter how old you are or what your circumstances are. For some people it is easier than for others. But for every single one of us, we can change from hoping someone else will change to believing we can change our future to whatever we want it to be. Much love to everyone suffering. Narcissists will always be narcissists. We can be whatever we want to be. I’m so grateful to you, Dr. Ramani. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I've been no contact w my dad since late 2015. Even after making the decision to go no contact, I felt so much guilt. Initially, I was pretty self assured in my decision. I knew that he was verbally and emotionally abusive, but I had a hard time actually saying those words about him. As the years have passed, especially after I moved out of state in 2018, I've come to the radical acceptance. Last summer, I got in an argument with my mom over text and realised this: There will be no mic drop moment. Being on good terms with my parents means that I will have to leave my self respect at the door. My dad is part of a toxic family system that goes back much further than just his and my relationship. My constant mental gymnastics of what I'd say in any given argument will get torn to shreds. There will be no good faith arguments. Only putting my mental health on a platter for my family to pulverize.
"Radical acceptance sucks" I started crying when you said this. It does suck! Its so hard and I try so hard to face life but life sucks sometimes, and it seems like it sucks for some of us more than othes from the starting line. I persevere and try to stay healthily positive and "embrace the suck" but I also dont always let myself become too aware of how much it all sucks sometimes because it can be so daunting. I am healing so much and Im proud of myself but the more I heal, the more horrified I am of just how much I've healed and how much more there is to go.
For me it started with telling myself, "He is who he is." Then I started noticing the inconsistencies and broken future promises. Once I started noticing it spiraled. I couldn't unsee things and go back.
I had to accept the "Sophie's Choice" and accept the fact my family had devolved into a nest of narcs. I may be lonely but I have my self respect and, finally, peace.
I just realizing to accept my dad, & others i just have to feel GRATITUDE when i say, " they are doing the best they can with what they know" as we ALL do. Change is only for me to do not expecting others to do.
This was very poignant for me. I’ll never forget the day I finally accepted that it would never change. I watched my last narcissist walk out to the car and leave for work. I knew I would be leaving her. It was such a sad moment, knowing the person I adored was disordered, incapable of love or change. And I did leave. The grief has been exquisite. If I had known how painful it would be I might not have had the courage to leave. But thankfully I didn’t know and I did escape. I’m not sure I’ll ever be done with the grief, but what I do I know is I’ll get better and better at coping with it and moving forward because now I’m free. And I’ll never let someone like that in my life again. I’m worth more than that to myself now.
My goodness....I'm reading this for the first time, 2 years after you wrote that deeply intense commentary. I hope you are in good spirits and living your best life. 🙏
Thank you for this video Dr.Ramani! You truly understand and get us , survivors, and for those who are still fighting. Thank you for validating us. I will keep on walking forward no matter how lonely and at times painful the road is.
Radical acceptance has helped me to let go of all the gaslighting. It turned out to be a very positive step. God is there with me and His love heals me.
My therapist encourages radical acceptance but I found it hard to get there. Thank you so much for explaining. I have found that it is preferable to being tortured by a narcissist for the rest of my life. Therefore, I put my hope in having a healthier relationship with myself with the intention of cultivating new and healthy relationships with others. I can do this - I have to.
It is excruciating. And my grief is so deep and so intense. Even still after being nearly 2 years out of the relationship. She was the narc and she was awful. But her three little boys from her previous marriage were sweet and authentic and I had never experienced that sort of love. I have never lost children like this before. Losing them has left holes in my heart that nothing can fill.
I have the opposite situation: my ex abandoned the kids. I can’t imagine what he is thinking. Your comment made me so sad. Maybe let’s just both know that the love we all feel, for these children or for ourselves, is good and present and empowers us to go on. Your love for those kids is real. Let it guide you to a peaceful place
@@LostInTheSauce818 You know nothing about me. I know plenty about true loss. If you are going to make those kind of assumptions and comments on these threads, I suggest keeping them to yourself.
@@taiticius I’m legitimately sorry for downplaying your loss. Please forgive me. I know all too well how painful it can be to be separated from those you love whether they are adults or children. I’m sorry my brother.
I just recently have hit radical acceptance, i do get those hits of grief and i'm so glad u posted this video because i know now that it's ok to have those moments or even parts of days etc. Getting over narc abuse has been so hard, especially whilst i have to face my abuser in court and hear completely made up tales about me. I lost my home and newborn baby to his lies, im lucky i documented the abuse towards the end and got away before our child was born. Baby is with my family, he made me homeless, now i got an apartment of my own, he took everything from me, the worst being my mental health and sanity. He has to see me gain it all back and best of all, he has to see the absolute lack of control or care for him. Goodbye narcissist, i won't thank you for the lessons but i promise you, i won't ever fall for this again.
I resolved that in always giving toxic people the "benefit of the doubt" I was circuitously turning their abuse as being somehow my fault because nobody could purposely be that messed up--so it has to be something I'm doing. No, there are bad people. It's been almost 40 years that I came to terms with that truth and toxic types not to even try it. I hear, "you're guarded." I'm thinking, "No, I'm not going to let my guard down so you can f### with my head" Today, I'm free, confident, stable, and discerning. That wasn't always the case.
Acceptance is never easy. It is like burying your Dreams and hope. You become more irritating as every thing looks unfair. You have to realise that at the end, it is what it is. Turning your blind site towards it will not make it better.
Its been 6 months since I left him. I was nice and I would respond up until Jan 1, 2021 ... it finally occurred to me I was triggered every time he contacted me, I was upset for days ... I had to stop denying how I felt to myself. Again, I feel so much better!!! I was STILL in denial, NO CONTACT is best. E When I lived with him I remember the bargaining with myself, praying today would be a good day, nope. RADICAL ACCEPTANCE and LOVE FOR MYSELF helped me walk away. Now I Am truly Away ... and I acknowledge my Grief
They don't teach this anywhere.. to run across this info at the right time (when you're ready and able to really hear it) is like finding a needle in a haystack. Brava, I'm proud of you ❤️
only when I accepted that he is the way he is, I could grieve and get past the hurt. Only then could I see all the red flags I missed. Although, I had seen them, but at that moment I radically ignored them, because I couldn't accept that the person I loved was that broken.
Radical acceptance came in like a train on Christmas eve 10 months ago. I guess I knew nothing was going to change for quite some time, and people would tell me that my dad wouldn't change, but i kept up hope. But then he called me brainwashed and kept calling me that and not only did that hurt, it showed me that he is never going to change and be the dad i want him to be. I've accepted the hurt, but here's the thing, since cutting off communication with him, I feel happier, i feel better, i feel less stressed.
I've mourned many relationships that should've been healthy, which requires pain and tears, but has allowed me to move forward. It's sad our society encourages narcissism, it's ruined so many of the people in my life. I know it's forbidden to talk about on these channels, but I'm pissed off at the people who rule from the shadows that perpetuate narcissism, and so should everyone else that's had to deal with the destruction they've brought to our society for the purpose of subjugating decent people that could challenge the status quo and global financial elites. I really wish a health professional could muster the courage to speak about this destruction of society THAT IS BY DESIGN, NOT AN ACCIDENT, AND NOT NATURAL.
Kira Barsmit- I wish that you didn't have to write in riddles, and could speak your mind, because the vast majority of the public won't have any idea what you are talking about. But I do.
having grief from a death in the family made me aware that life is short and brought me to the point of accepting the narcissist would not change and it was up to me to make the break, and then having to give up on a lot to do so, so yes, layers of grief
Im numb to basically everything at this point but im stuck for so many reasons. I know im grieving. Ive given up thinking he'll be better if I dont say or do something that sets him off........but you know he can find fault or something to belittle me with, in pure fresh air! Wrong tone, wrong look, wrong level of interest....God hes tiring! I seem to say ok or whatever, a lot these days. Its just easier! Not right, but easier!
@@Hundredacredaycare so you're stuck and have to just deal with it? My email is donnaberryartist@gmail.com if you wanna chat some time. Im in South Australia so our time zones might not match but I'll always reply if you reach out. In the meantime, take care of yourself and know that I get it. xx
It has taken me 2 years after splitsville to really get and feel this. My narc sees I get it now too and doesn't like it so he tries to drag me back into his grasp. I won't be fooled. This man-child is not allowed in my world any more. Now I'm away from him I have hope I can have some self worth and be free to feel good about myself. I'm proud of my bravery in leaving.
Thank you so much for this! I was under the impression rapid acceptance was a one and done thing. That I just couldn't get it. Turns out I'm not doing it wrong 😆 That truly is a weight lifted because yes it is not easy at all.
I had someone tell me once “healing is going to feel like two steps forward and two steps back.” Emphasis on the “feel like.” Trust me, there is a lot of work being done internally even though it may feel you are fluctuating or at a standstill. You’re not alone, and you’re exactly where you need to be right now.
It's like a grieving process,with confusion,anger,sadness etc,yet that persons still alive and you could be the person dying because they have not accepted you in anyway at anytime
You make me feel like I'm home again... Thank you... (have not been in a narcissistic relationship but have suffered gaslighting by tribe and a narcissistic grandpa... Your videos are so relatable)
I had an "aha moment of radical acceptance yesterday." I remembered a moment when my Narc husband & I started our marraige. He had a huge crush on an 18 year old girl at work (he was 42 at the time). I remember the feeling, his hiding, lying & covering up. Recently, I noted him repeating his indescretions. He deflects, boomarangs & dehumanizes me if I try to talk it over. I realized, it will never change. In truthful moment with myself, I was able to look back & see he will never change. Never has.
Grief work is EXTREMELY essential‼️ You must let go of that emotional baggage & negative energy in order to truly express your authentic self & experience true joy & peace with yourself
Thank you for your videos. It made me end my marriage with a narcissist, I didn’t even know the term and when you started explaining it felt like you were talking about my life.
I radically accepted in 1998 and had him removed from the home. There was no grief on my part as I knew it, but now that I'm watching your video I realized I'm grieving the toll it took on our two kids to live in the house with a Psychopathic narcissist. You are spot-on as usual
Thank you. One of the biggest take always from your recent videos is that this is a life long process. I’ve been working on this stuff for 30 yrs and I just feel like I should be over it already. Realizing that I won’t get over it and that’s ok has helped take the pressure off and allowed me to give myself some grace when I’m feeling the feelings that I want to avoid.
Radically acceptance is when you basically stop gaslighting yourself and you finally validate your perception and your feelings over the narcissistic bs
True love is unconditional love. Is anyone normal? No, because no one is like anyone else. However I have have found there to be 2 distinct groups of people. Those who are far from perfect, and those who know they are far from perfect. Regardless of the personality type of your spouse, if you plan to be married for long then you are going to have to accept a lot of stupid s'''"t
Wow. This beautiful. Thanks for writing this, ❤️🙏
Yas!
I couldn't have said it better. Exactly!
Amen!
Radical acceptance takes you from “there’s noting I can do” to “nothing is required of me”. There’s freedom in that.
Ooooh, I love the way you expressed that.
Thank you for that brilliant insight 😊
@@Megan6772 Have a great day! ♥️💃🏿
So insightful! I love it
Yes there is!!❤️
Seen this months ago:
Grief is really just love.
It's all the you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and the hallow part of your chest.
Grief is just love with no place to go.
Yes, it's so true! When I'm overwhelmed with grief and it feels stuck in my body I sometimes do a loving-kindness meditation and mentally send it into the universe. It makes me feel like I'm turning something sad into something good, even if it's only in my mind, and it helps me work past those feelings. But I definitely run into days where I don't have the presence of mind to do that too, and I let myself wallow. It's always a work in progress I guess.
That was beautifully said and painfully enlightening. You just blew my mind 🤯
So well put!
It’s a very physical thing isn’t it? 😢
Beautiful 💖
Yes, beautifully said. In fact, that comment is a poem.
The radical acceptance was a pivotal point for me . It was was like a kick in the pants. My husband went off on his regular explosive attack on me one night before dinner. I actually looked at him and said. “I am so done with you”. It just came out of my mouth. God it felt so good. The next day I started on how to leave him. Where to live etc. I am now after an excruciating 1 1/2 years of grey rocking and weathering through the emotional storm. I am proud to say I am now at
two months living in my own beautiful place. Slowly recovering. Your videos have been a huge help on this trying journey.
Thank you!!!
For me, radical acceptance came after a long period of grief
same
Same
... And now, with every trigger, think to me: how embarrassing and outrageous is it? And must laugh completely and am relieved to be rid of it.
Yup. Me too. Took me a couple of years.
Same
Knowing that my mom is incapable of loving me in the ways that I've needed has been a sobering reality that I'm learning to fully accept now.
It's hard, but you can love yourself even better with practice. I am finding great comfort in the fact that I can now be the parent to myself that I always wished for.
Exactly
yes I just had to protect myself to get peace. She died in October, never changed but I did.
@@sunshine-sm6nf I'm so sorry. 🤗 That peace is so vital.
@@asparrow5505 yes I did have peace, when she would get mean I would just say I got to go, see you later and I left or got off the phone. I had much peace when she died, I did what I could. I accepted this is just who she was.
"Living on hope..." that hit me really hard, because narcs suck everything else out of you, so all you have left to live on is hope, and even that is false hope.
Nobody deserves this.
hope is a dead end maze, there is no light at the end, just a spiral downward
@@LiveFreeWarrior no, that’s not always true. Some hopes can be good to have because they’re accurate and point to something that is possible within the realms of reality. But hoping an incorrigible person will change to stop hurting you... that’s not a hope, it’s a death wish, and we all deserve better than that, because out there in the world there is so much better than that!
@@skylaralexis7699 I think having our own definition of what hope is in the works on an individual level may be a better approach. There is no right or wrong, only our own healing journey!
Right? they treat you so poorly you have to imagine an entirely different person who can treat you with decency and respect!
My experience exactly... Hope is all I had to keep me going, and it's very difficult to let go of now.
I never knew there was a term for this until now. The day it happened I came home early from work and found my narcissistic ex-husband with his mistress (one of many it turned out) messing around in front of our youngest daughter, who was six months old at the time. I separated from him that day and that night woke up at 4am, our six month old curled up next to me, and when I looked at the silhouette of her peaceful, sleeping face in the darkness, it felt like a sledgehammer hit me in the chest. I began to weep uncontrollably as the truth sank in. Up until that day, I still had hope. Hope that he wasn't as awful as I knew deep down he truly was. Hope that he would change. But after the events of that day, *I* was done. And as a result, our children would never know a birthday or holiday without division. Our youngest would never experience a single Christmas morning where she wakes up and is simply at home. For several years I felt guilty for making the decision to end the marriage and thus "destroying" my children's family, but he is the one who destroyed it though years of abuse, lies, and coercive control. And it had been destroyed long before that day, that day was just when I finally accepted reality. The grief of it was nearly unbearable and that night was the beginning of an excruciating and life-threatening chess game for freedom, but I chose authenticity for my children and for myself, prayed to the universe to help us navigate hell, and we did. Hugs and love to everyone out there struggling with this ❤. And thank you, Dr. Ramani for your incisive and elucidating videos on this subject.
This touched me. ‘Life threatening’ and ‘hell’ are not an exaggeration. You really do walk through hell when you get ensnared by a narc
Oh my god I am so incredibly sorry for what you've been through that is unspeakably agonizing and my heart goes out to you for your struggle for the fight of your life but you broke away and so YOU WON. You won your life back and did the right thing and your actions are teaching your children how to enforce their boundaries with toxic individuals.
I'm so sorry 😔
Navigating hell... That's powerful.. although my narcissist and i don't have such deep connection my husband has it. It's his mom. I had radical acceptance and cut off and moved on.. i often wonder why my husband still has hope.. it's because it's hell to navigate once you get to radical acceptance because of such deep bond.... I don't think he'll ever let go of the hope.. the guilt is way too much..
I'm proud that you found the strength to leave after all the years of abuse and control . May your path be blessed, peace be found and love follow you all the rest of your days.
Start living your life like you only have a year to live and your standards will go 📈📈📈
And create power statements to upgrade your belief system about yourself.
-I am enough
-I am respected
-I am loved and loving
-etc
Ideas about death are a good approach ... you're imagining you have only one year.
For me, (in '07) ...I 'killed myself off' ...I killed off the self identity, self concept of what my life was...
@@dougarnold7955 how did that work for you?
@@sk6964 thanks for the reply.
Very well. The basic end result was I realized how much baggage I had accumulated in my self identity that was really other people ...uh, (🤔 projecting?) ...expectations for my life. ...those things were never MY expectations. I could list a lot of specifics but that would be a lot of writing. ... religion, creativity, marriage...just to generalize.
It was a sort of awakening experience in '07, very powerful. I couldn't explain it even if I tried. ...at times I felt like I was going crazy, I even talked to a crisis therapist about it...
But, yeah, I live life day to day now. 😁👍
Thanks! That's an excellent idea!!
Instead of holding out hope for the narcissist, what if we (through radical acceptance) refocus that hope on ourselves? Hope that we can learn from the grief, hope that we will be stronger because of our experiences, hope that we will make the difficulties we've survived become our superpowers.
It is strange, we survivors hold onto immense hope for the narc to change, yet we do not give nearly as much hope, forgiveness and acceptance to ourselves. I wish you all the best on your journey to peace and authenticity 👍
Saving all things for ourselves that once went into futile narcissist oblivion... 👍☺❤
Amen
That's what happens when the grieving is over. It's part of our recovery process.
When you accept the person for exactly who they are you suddenly are free and you take back your power when you decide you are no longer part of the drama and games they are playing.
I accepted and decided self love 💯
These words fit what I am going through!
@@mollymaina4973 so true. At some point you have to ask would it be acceptable for the narcissist / toxic asshole to treat someone you cherished the same as they treat you? Normally you won’t make excuses for them at that point and you realize the answer is no and therefore it’s just as unacceptable for them to treat you poorly too.
I finally understand my brother will never change. I tried to bribe him with candy when we were kids to be nice me. The last time I spoke to him I told him it doesn't have to be this way....his reply was You always have to be right about everything....projecting. Okay, I've had it. I'm. just going to walk away. It's sad, but better than the abuse.
@@psycheread3258 you won’t miss him. He’ll miss having you to abuse. It will freak him out. He deserves to be freaked out. Good luck.
Having to accept that my parents have so much contempt for me was the worst heartbreak of my life. The grief is terrible but the peace of mind is priceless. Radical acceptance saved my life!
🤦😭😭😭 OMG!!! IT is the absolute worst.. but also so freeing 🥲🙌
We exchange our hope in them for our hope in ourselves. That part eventually leads us to real joy and peace.
Yes, so very painful!
Once you know that they will never change. It will set you free to move on with your life and end the relationship. It is hard and painful but it is better than living in delusion .
Even if you decide to stay, it's better to live in truth.
I just left a HELLA toxic, abusive marriage after 25 years on Monday. I was lucky that The Lord allowed me to detach during the marriage the last 3 years because He saw what I didn't yet. I radically accepted that things weren't even gonna change and this was NOT how I wanted to live the rest of my life. After 42 years of toxic people from family, to friends, teachers, and my husband, grief has become my closest friend.....
@@marieborchardt2910 yes yes yes!! Better to live in truth!! You got it!
Lonely and painful but yes better than living in delusion. I agree!!
This is the stage I'm in now. It hurts to give up on someone I love, but the alternative is to give up on myself. I deserve better.
At age 59, oldest of 7, professional scapegoat I am. It's taken Dr. Ramani, Dr. Carter & others to illustrate WHY I've FINALLY come to this stage. Acceptance. Lonely, yes! but healthy.
Thank you again, Dr. Ramani, for all the intricately worded & deeply important lectures. You've helped me immensely.
Spot on 👍👍
Lonely but healthy! Yes I resonate with these 2. Thanks!
We all belong to scar clan.
Yep.
Sorry dear sir that your were a scapegoat, but SO glad you have moved on and are starting to thrive!!! Hugs!
It was a single moment, and it changed my life. When it clicked, I became a different person. I understood FINALLY that this person did not care about me and that nothing would ever change. And that was it. I was free.
Baby steps that’s how I’m trying to do it. Every time I miss him I close my eyes and remember how alone, how empty how devaluated he made me feel. It’s been really hard, to let go of the dream of a happy family. You’re videos have been life changing. THANK YOU
Yes. One day at a time. You can do it!
How could it be hard to forget? If he wasn't shit
You have such a beautiful name. I wish you much success and happiness on your healing journey. Goodness knows it's not easy.
I thank God for her videos, I was hopeless when I met them through you tube. Thank you Dr. Ramani
You are the family Ximena. Meditation and the now will help you focus on you and over time the pain will subside (for me it was years). Then you will be the authentic, awesome you!
I’m currently experiencing radical acceptance of my narcissistic upbringing..I couldn’t remember my childhood & now it is playing in my head like a movie.
I hear that. I had hidden so much from myself, it just came bubbling up and I was stunned how clearly I remembered almost everything. I feel fortunate that I have some very compassionate friends. I needed them to process all those memories.
thank you for sharing that; one of my greatest hopes is that I will be able to find the childhood memories I 'lost'/ repressed. as painful as they may be, I yearn to know the completeness of my own story, and to have this integration!
It really does come in like waves🌊😭
One thing that really helped me move on, was when the girl who replaced me immediately saw his bullshit, confronted him and left him. When I heard that she had done that, I got SO jealous. I wasnt even jealous that she was dating him bc I was so ready to leave. But I felt shame that I had not been smart enough or strong enough to do what she did. So whenever I'm in a situation like this where i know i should leave, I think of the jealousy I felt for that girl and how I wanted to be the girl who respected herself, who set boundaries and was honest. The authenticity I saw in her was a million times more attractive to me than anything my ex could have given me. So when this happens to me, I have two choices; chose my ego and spend my life chasing after something i dont want or building a life for myself that's fulfilling in every way.
One of the most complex things about radical acceptance is that when we start doing the deep dive into our patterns we find the toxicity is rooted in multiple sources. So we are left having to radically accept a large mass of things and may not be able to cognitively or emotionally take this all on at once. We may have reached indifference with one person which leaves a void that beckons vulnerability to lapsing into hope that another will change.
So true, I've gotten a better handle on my radical acceptance with my marriage but it's bringing to light the narcissistic patterns in my family, which are almost more painful in some ways. But I'm using what I learned to work through those issues as well, and I've been supporting my cousins with their struggle with toxic behaviors in the family.
@@jaimiehorton9669 Sounds like a healthy and sustainable approach! All the best to you :)
This was the case for me as well and realized I was plagued with narcissistic relationships all around me. First my husband of 20 years, the person I considered my one close friend, and now members of my family. It's painful to have so many relationships of conditional love that looking back I'm surprised I got this far. Unfortunately a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms were a part of my life because of my experiences and trying to deal with and overcome those in therapy. I divorced in the summer and it has been unbelievably hard and lonely because of judgement and grief of what could've or should've been, but there is hope.
@@melissagraber2687 You are very brave to make these major changes and be 100% honest with yourself. It is scary when the Matrix starts to break down around us and we begin to see things as they are - your story is very relatable. It is a lonely road, but at least we are all in good company here :) Take care and best wishes as you move into this new chapter.
Radical acceptance REQUIRES me to look at my attachment issues. Asking myself, what's my hope rooted in? Why do I keep coming back for more? Could it be as simple as reliving my childhood wish that my parents would notice me? Yes, it is. I've got to radical accept that too.
Did anyone else start sobbing when she discussed down regulating our feelings just to survive the narcissistic relationship? Like oh... there's all the emotions I've been suppressing! 🥺😭
Yes. I've been numb for the last 27 years and now I'm free from the narc I am overcome with all those repressed feelings and lost hopes.
@@playalot8513 I’m at 28 years and just discovered why I thought that she is always unhappy and it’s always my fault.
@@stevemeacham6880 It gets better, I've been doing counselling every week for almost two years now and I have a new career and am starting to have some plans for my future. Takes a lot to get over years of narc abuse, but it's worth the effort
Yes it was cathartic listening to this. Wishing you the best!
Radical acceptance brought me peace. And yes, the grief & mourning returns every now and then, but overall I'm so much better off now than when I was holding on to hope.
When holding on to hope, the grief happens DAILY! But once you accept that he/she will not ever change, you can move forward.
Look at me, a trial lawyer, when it got to the point where I recognized my ex was gas lighting me, I treated him like a hostile witness, I would cross-examine him back. I never backed down from his b/s and I could cross-examine him to the point where I could knock the wind out of him. Word salad central. You have to walk away. Otherwise, you're just living in a house with this person, barely saying a word to each other. Get a cat and move out.
This is me currently with my grandmother that I’ve now come to realize is a sociopath I would spend so much time fighting with her and I’ve finally gotten to the point where I’ve realized it’s best to just not speak to her it’s hard to do when u live with them but life has been getting better
You go girl! I spent 16 years eating his word salad then did just that. Got out and got 2 cats 🐈 🐈⬛
Not so easy to do with this person is your only family member left in the world and you're not married.
The heartbreak, disappointment, feeling invisible and unheard and the twisting of my feelings and what actually happened is something I have to remind myself on the days where I feel the grief hits me. I had 3 weeks of powering through and radical acceptance then a week of intense grief. But slowly getting there with help from you as well!
I completely resonate with this! we can do it!
Yes. Me too.
No one likes feeling pain, we try to avoid it. It's a survival instinct - it tells us what is injurious or dangerous to our safety & well being. Crying turns to stone if you don't get it out. Sending you thoughts from afar. 🌏🌱
Can someone please let me know if there is a support group that helps with this?
Did you also constantly think about the good things? I feel like I'm going crazy, it's like I have two different brains running in parallel, one that remembers all the bad things that you mentioned and another that remembers all the good things that also existed. How did you manage to stop thinking about/longing for the good things?
Dr Ramini - Thank you for exposing narcissism and shedding light on it! I grew up with a narcissist mother and then married one. What a roller coaster ride that was. I left my marriage 6 years ago, after 34 years of ‘radical acceptance’. I have to add... I just had the best time with my mother the last 3 years, as she suffered from dementia and did not know who she was! We talked as if we were strangers and I made her laugh. She did not know who I was but she was always happy to see me. I am still trying to come to terms with the grieving of all the wasted years. However, now I have hope and it’s my own.
Once I realized that forgiveness was only delaying the inevitable the only option was walking away. The risks are too high that I will be placed in that abusive cycle again. If it happened once it can happen again. There was nothing worth salvaging. I would rather grieve what was in the past and begin to move forward than hope and grieve everyday of my life by staying with him. I’m done hoping he will change, I’m saving my hope for myself and better days for me. Maybe today will be the day I won’t grieve for what was or could have been.
Wow, the fact that choosing the forgiveness (or as Dr. Ramani was alluding to, denial) path is “delaying the inevitable” put things into perspective for me. That certainly adds to the complexity of radical acceptance.
Forgiveness isn't denial. Forgiveness is choosing to not seek revenge toward that person and not allowing your heart to become bitter or hardened but still walking away from someone who will not change.
I agree with you. Forgiveness is accepting what was done but not excusing the behavior. We know what we deserve & our worth.
Send them on their way and we go our way in grace.
@Allen B perhaps acceptance is a better word than forgiveness.
Good for you!!!! I did the same and am so much happier by myself! Wish you much love! Hugs!!!!
Truth!
This is how I explain it when asked: leaving a narc (experiencing radical acceptance) is realizing you are on a battlefield, stuck in a trap, and choosing to amputate your own leg to survive. Grieving the loss takes time...but the leg will grow back.
You loose your 'story' of what 'you' (yes, you) helped paint your life to look like. Some of the guilt comes from accepting that you helped perpetuate the narcs lies. That is a hard pill to swallow.
Well said
Beautifully expressed. Thank you for giving me perspective.
Ouch! But that's the truth!
Agree
Oh, my. You said It. Speaking truth, no easy path to know, as Dr. R so compassionately and honestly said here.
Truth, Sister 💝
My dads brain injury wasn't enough to change my mom... becoming a grandma (twice) during a pandemic wasn't enough to change my mom... 2021 is the year of radical acceptance for me. I appreciated this video today... so much grieving.
My wife and I were hoping her Narc Father would change when he became a Grandfather but we feel it made him worse. He clamped down even harder on his adult kids and he made sure his grandchildren knew by the age of 3 that he was the one in charge. I've never seen such a toxic family dynamic before. It was shocking. My wife and I walked away from it when our son was 3 months old. He turns 5 next week :)
@@Dr.Dark78 That must have been such a painful decision to make when your son was so young. But it's a beautiful thing that you and your wife were able to see past the guilt trips and make the decision to protect your family above all. Happy early birthday to your little one
@@Dr.Dark78 babies are not miracle shamans that can remove narcissism from people, that’s silly. What did you expect? Come on.
@@Dr.Dark78 ignore the haters. I hear you, after loosing 4 children, a cancer battle and more, I thought my miracle child would bring realisation to my family on how precious life is... Raised by narc's married a narc (stayed 25 yrs) How wrong I was, they just wanted to corrupt and own little one, and further scapegoat me. We fled to a refuge for safety, leaving all. I did look back and gave yet another chance with boundaries in place. The toxicity and sabotage increased, they delight in cruelty. Sadly I had to face the truth to save my children's children. My little one is 5, we are alone, I'm a working mom in healthcare, life is not easy but it's sure better than it was. I cry when needed but I have joy. Jesus rescued me from a pit. So pleased you and your wife saved your son, birthday wishes 😁
Kandy B don't look back, a leopard can not change its spots. Press on, heal, find healthy friends. God bless you 🙏🏻
For me, I was so emotionally exhausted and absolutely at the end of my rope, that radical acceptance was the less of two evils so to speak. Ten months out of that 16yr toxic situation, and never felt more optimistic, healthier and more at peace! Thank you so much Dr. Ramani. You are a life saver 💖
My radical acceptance definitely came after an intense few weeks of grief. Every morning for a whole week I would wake up before my wife to make breakfast and I would just sob for 20 minutes realizing that my family would never have my back and would just blame me and gaslight me when it came to my sister's emotionally abusive husband assaulting me in my house. I just had to accept that they were never gonna do anything about it because they didn't care about me, my wife, or how we felt about it. They just wanted me to get over it and stop "making things hard" for them. I had to accept that they will never confront my sister or her husband about his toxic behavior and animal abuse. They'll never do anything about keeping my toddler nieces safe. I just had to accept all of that and it was painful.
It was excruciating. I never cried that much in my life. But now, I feel just relieved that I can walk away and no longer deal with it. I still hurt from time to time. It comes and goes. I don't think there will ever be a day when I never think about it again. I'm okay with that.
My wife and I are about to have our son, our first child. I take comfort knowing that he will never be exposed to that toxicity.
For those of you are who afraid to do it, who are overwhelmed by the painful process, the guilt and the grief, I understand. I'm not going to pressure you one way or the other or try to prescribe my solution to your situation. But if you can bring yourself to do it, *I promise you,* the grief is worth the relief. ❤ You got this ✊🏻
Hugs dear sir!❤️
You should call the proper authorities if there is animal abuse.
@@floxendoodle942 there's animal and by extension child abuse. My wife is a mandated reporter, and we filed a report. But you already know how that stuff goes.
@@floxendoodle942 the accused would probably just deny it
You speak like you've been through this Dr. R. I feel your pain in this one. Going thru it myself and it's the hardest and most isolating, lonely thing I've ever experienced, yet also the most freeing. Weird AF, but I'll take it because it gave me a new kind of hope - a hope in myself being enough and learning to craft the exact kind of life I've secretly always dreamed of. I am creating it now. Finally.
I endured “no more” for nearly 20 years. Finally I grabbed my daughter and fled. It was NOT easy - in fact he’s still trying to worm his way back in. Even though it was the right thing to do, the grievance is real. I’m still working on myself.
👊👍 Thank you for youself and your daughter!
It is incredibly difficult/terrifying to leave
It will continue to be difficult
But the goals/results become drastically different and well worth it ❤
@@mahnamahna3252 Thank you for your kindness. It means a lot ☀️
Same! After 20 years I grabbed my daughter and ran away from home a few months ago. I am in the same emotional state as yours and my guy is doing the same. He is weeping and crying and asking for forgiveness, but still telling the world that he is sorry for his part of the mistake even if I do not apologize for my mistake. He says, he is willing to take the entire blame.
@@julianasteven4211 I’ve gotten many versions of that, unfortunately. After being together for so many years, I’ve come to recognize his cycles. At the beginning, he was full of hope, how he’d take of me, he’s gonna build me a house (he’s in construction), we’re gonna go to Hawaii, Bali, Australia, Spain... Reality: fired off of literally every job he got, got heavy into drugs and alcohol, he didn’t work more than 3-4 months total between 2008 - 2016, while I worked 2 jobs and was going to school. But I would keep bouncing back to him when he’d make even a tiny effort to support the household, he’d love bomb the hell out of me (and I always fell for it, even though I knew it wouldn’t last), but cyclically he’d be back to his old ways of not working, stealing money from kids to buy drugs/alcohol, and of course have excuse after excuse why he didn’t have a job. Any NORMAL person would’ve left loooong ago, but not me 😖. I’ve gotten to the very sad realization that I’ve radically accepted this person, he will NEVER change, and honestly I’m sad about it. But.... I thank god that this lock down was just me and my teenage daughter, and not him to create chaos for us.
@@SueP-D amen!
Sometimes all I want is to sit down with a responsible, trustworthy, smart, compassionate, good adult and have a healthy conversation. This is something I've never had! Please help me.
i'm here to talk. i know exactly how that feels. like your sanity has been robbed of you
Me too 😰
If you can't afford therapy, many churches have free counseling sessions. My ladies Sunday school group is my weekly support!
I am a person that lives by the spirit of "hope. love and believe". Whether it is in yourself, in others or in life. I always had hope that the narc will finally understand my feelings, I always had unconditional love for them. I always had the believe that everything they say (even if it is invalidating) it was true.
Not anymore. It is hard to accept that I can't apply this spirit towards narcs and their behavior. Because I always forget to consider the hope, love and believe towards myself. When dealing with the narc it is so draining and annoying. I created a poem on my channel about the feeling and healing. It is a way I cope and grief.
Unfortunately we are robbed of our happiness and peace, but we can reclaim it. It is tough, but we can do it. Don't give up.
Yes, we can definitely fly again! There's beauty in the midst of grief as well. Blessings to you on your journey to healing. All will be well. 😊
Similarly to you, I believe in being an open book, practicing radical honesty, having no boundaries (at least before I met the narc), and being a free & open spirit. “Ask me anything” kind of attitude.
Then I met someone in my partners family. My radical honesty, open-book attitude quickly had me in the center of a family intervention. Everything I had told her had been twisted around, untruths added in, and had made me out to be absolutely crazy, out of control, reckless.
I had miles of backtracking, explaining, clarifying to do. Smear campaign, scapegoating, gaslighting, all of it took place...
I didn’t know what was happening until I found Dr. Ramani. And I’m so grateful to her for getting me through this tough patch.
This chapter of my life is completely changing it. Redirecting my life path, and changing my personality to be much more guarded, boundaries in full force, and much less trusting or hopeful in my interactions with people.
Like you, I believe everyone, love and hope for their inner spirit to be nothing but full of love. It’s so depressing to find that the whole world isn’t like that, and that people with this personality disorder can be so detrimental to our lives.
One things for certain, I won’t be fooled again.
This really hit me something deep. It’s just one of those kinda days 😔
Thank you for your words.
I didn't know i was grieving and entire childhood until an acid trip made me see how my inner child was broken and scared
I hope that your seeing an unpleasant truth has also revealed to you new paths to move forward in your life. Please remember to be kind and gentle to yourself now and always through your continued healing in life.
It seems to me that this is also true about living in difficult times, as we are. Saying "it shouldn't be like this" does not change the situation.
It was so hard for me, i could not believe the love of my life was sick and it was irreversible. But i did at last.
I grew up with a narcissistic mother and I just broke off an engagement with a narcissist and went no contact and honestly for me it wasn’t a hard choice because I know myself worth I know what I bring to the table I am a Christian I believe in God and Jesus Christ and I know from the Bible that light cannot cohabitate with darkness and I categorically refuse to be in a relationship or as I say Situationship that is not equally yoked and that made it a lot more doable when I set my mind on the right perspective..... I did go through a grieving process but it was not elaborate or lengthy and grieving is a natural process of healing so fast forward one year I am in my best trajectory of life and living the best version of myself and I wish and pray for all of this for all of you and thank you so much Dr. Ramani for all that you do!!!
"Light cannot cohabitate with darkness". Regardless of one's religious convictions (or not) this is a perfect way to put it. :) Not only did I have to end a 21 year marriage to a narcissist, but I've had to cut ties with my father and siblings as well once I realized that they are wired up the same way and surely the reason why I attracted and was attracted to toxic men in the first place. Sadly, they are also "darkness" and I can no longer be in any kind of relationship with them. I thought that I did, but really what I wanted was their approval-which I'll never get. What I realized is that It was always one-sided so I'm not really missing anything. In fact, my life is much more peaceful now that I don't have to walk on eggshells wondering which one of them will be the next in line to stab me in the back. Thanks for your comment! I will keep the light/darkness idea in mind.
@@hollymccanncoaching1913 You are very welcome! It's so great that we can freely share our thoughts and beliefs without fear of criticism or judgement as we are all unique individuals who have the freedom to make their own choices. Every best wish of wellness and success to you!! Blessings!!
@@NarcissismExposed And you as well!
SOAR Coaching-Surpass Obstacles-Achieve Results 🤗💕🌺🌸
Bianney Sanchez Amen to that and I will be praying for you both And we both know God is a very faithful and amazing Heavenly Father to us and he never fails us!
As I watch this video I am packing and leaving in the morning ! 🙏 Wish me luck 🎊
We all.support ya! Courage and stregnth be upon you.
Can we get an update? ❤
Accepting my mother is a narcissist is tough, but it is her problem...not mine.
Bless her on her journey. I AM moving on.
radical acceptance gave me the clarity i needed to leave the relationship.
"When you do get there, the clarity feels really good but the grief feels really heavy."
That is so true.
a friend of mine said to me you had better face it, those 2 kids of yours have a lot of their Daddy in them. Their father was an alcoholic and very neglectful, I was so lonely with him. Got rid of him and then my 2 kids turn out like him. It is so painful and lonely with them, they have no time for anyone just like him. This is not easy. Like you said will always be some bad days. Most days are good now. I dont want a life time of disappointment so I am making myself accept this. Thanks Dr Ramani for opening up my eyes, I dont want to be ripped to shreads. Yes, grieving the life I could have had. I refused to accept this because of being overwhelmed, time for me to change.
Near the end of my 21 year marriage to a covert narcissist I gave up hope. It was freeing and gave me the emotional space I needed to heal enough to eventually leave the marriage. In retrospect I see this was the radical acceptance you recommend. I've been divorced a little less than a year and it has been a wonderful year in spite of the pandemic, etc. My aunt is letting me and my youngest child stay with her as we go to school. I'll be done soon and will get a new job and start my new life. No matter what happens from here, at least my child and I don't have to live in a situation rife with daily emotional abuse.
I've recently started to actively practice radical acceptance, the moment thoughs of hope start to appear, I repeat myself that it's a path that takes me nowhere but the lost of my identity. When I was a kid I always tried to make things "right", to accept the guilt my father gave me, to make plans over and over again in order to "fix" that house that kept falling down; those where painful and exhausting years, and that was my childhood as well, living with the believe something was wrong with me. Now, I know that I can't go back and change my childhood, that those dreams and plans are make-believes. I still cry almost every day, and feel exhausted. I can go to therapy now and forgive myself, but after those sessions the pain does not dissapear, I don't feel happy, I grieve for my past and all the pain I still feel. Is hard to cry and at the same time recognice I'm doing what is right for me. Thank you for this videos, they remind me that I'm not alone, and that there is a reason for me doing all this work, I'm doing this for myself.
I accepted that none of these peole would change only at the end of 2020 at the age of 44. Have reached out to a psychologist and healing slowly. The clarity is good. The grief is bad. I get sleepless nights thinking of my fears of ending up alone.
I have had sleepless nights as well & wondering if I will be alone. The truth is I remember feeling alone even when I was with him. My GF said he has never even been a good friend let alone a boyfriend cause your friends would NEVER treat you so badly. This is true. Wr can do it, hang in there. 😊
I’m alone and it is actually really great. 💕
I've reached a place of radical acceptance and it's like being let out of a life sentence. I feel free.
oof. why you trying to make me cry Dr Ramani? 😭 When you said, its easier to be in denial and think that there is hope, then to radically accept, while facing the grief head on. Yea, that really hit home. I conditioned myself like that, so I can stay more positive. You are right, the days go back and forth. Some days, better than others. I do see where radical acceptance and working through those negative emotions can pay off for better mental health. It definitely is a tall order, so you are right its a journey. Its a skill basically then, something that will get easier to do over time with practice. Thank you for sharing. I always appreciate the thought provoking content on the daily :)
Radical acceptance for me was both freeing and painful. I have a friend who is living in what I call denial hope. I chose not to live that way anymore. I am now living with truth. The truth that I am not responsible for his feelings and actions. I can live with the pain, I can't live without truth.
I chose radical acceptance. I process the grief in therapy. Some days living 100 miles away is enough, some days it doesn't make up for a lost childhood. I do enjoy the clarity though at the end of the day.
As my mother's bright public side tricked many into seeing her in only a positive way, it took me a long time to accept her dark side. And the grieving you speak of is real. I had to come to that place, and I grieved and grieved for quite a while until at last, acceptance was complete. I no longer tried to convince her of things she could not see. As hard as it was to come alongside her in her last years, the emotional maturity acceptance produced I will forever cherish. Now, with eyes wide open I continue to walk my path with clarity. Thank you, Dr. Romney, for your words of truth that help many.
One of the most painful realizations I had in my relationship w/ a narcissist was when I had to see a cardiologist. He was sitting beside me when the doctor told me I have an enlarged heart. A short time later I mentioned it. He didn't know what I was talking about. He was there but he didn't care enough to listen to my diagnosis. I had to accept that I or my health truly doesn't matter to this man. I'm going to be so screwed if I ever need him to advocate for me in a medical situation. I have a few health issues. I'm certain he couldn't tell you anything about my health even if you put a gun to his head. I found myself testing him to see if he remembers information I've shared w/ him. It lead to the realization that he hasn't bothered to get to know me. After sharing my life w/ this man for so many yrs I'm basically living w/ a stranger. He put me in a box from day one & thats where I'll stay in his mind. I'll never be anything to him except the false perception he projects on to me. I'm not that person but he doesn't care enough to know the real me. It's so depressing to feel like I've wasted over half my life w/ this person. I gave up hoping he'll change. By learning about narccisim I've come to understand my relationship w/ my mother & how I ended up in relationships with ppl that..... don't care. I'm financially stuck in this situation. I fantasize about what it'd be like to be in a healthy relationship. Don't ignore your lack of happiness. Don't waste your life thinking you have a chance at happiness if only someone changes. I understood narcissism before I realized I'm living w/ one. The day I came to realize he's a narcissist was the worst. I cried & tried to convince myself that it wasn't true. The truth will not be ignored though. I don't want revenge on my narcissists. I just want to be the person I could have had been if not for being raised by narcissists. I want a partner that's capable of loving me. I accept that the man I love will never love me. I don't say this lightly. This is destroying me. I hate myself for being so weak.
You will figure it out. I can tell from what you expressed here. Hang in there. I relate to what you said here.
@@Gwen13061 thank you for your kind words. If you only knew how little positive feed back or encouragement I've been given throughout my life. My brother once told me I was a good runner because I beat him in a race. That one comment drove me to join track & win. I'm embarrassed at how empowered your words made me feel and why am I crying? I will return to read this countless times. I know i will. Thank you. 💛
Crazy how sometimes you know the truth, but hearing it OUT LOUD ( everything you said Dr. R.) from an unbiased professional, somehow helps... after all, we've been so carefully trained (or groomed) to second guess our thoughts, actions, even our own feelings...it only makes sense we wonder if we are being overly sensitive, dramatic, or harsh toward our narc...thank you for validating and reassuring us, that it's OK (and normal and part of the process) to be "not ok". It hurts, but that's ok. 😑
Get very comfortable with the idea and feeling of FUTILITY and see yourself step closer to radical acceptance.
I remember my radical acceptance moment when sitting in the parking lot of a church while attending a marriage seminar that our pastor thought would help. It had been so horrible and my husband was punishing me for making him attend! I started crying uncontrollably thinking how can this man love me when he treats me this way? He bagel throwing Kleenex at me and telling me to stop crying because we had to go back inside and I was going to look horrible and embarrass him! That was my radical acceptance moment! I went back to school, finally got him to move out and then filed for divorce! Yes, it was extremely painful! But it was more painful to stay!
Thank you for this video. I was so trapped in the "everyone can change" denial bubble for years. I was slowly killing my voice, my mind, and my spirit. After breaking off contact, I have felt so free. I am putting all the effort I put into the relationship into mending my relationship with myself. Thank you for this video because it is what I needed to hear today.
I''ve learned a long time ago, you can't love some one's potential. It's my projection on to them....an ethereal dream...
after 8 years of his narc abuse,, I knew I loved myself too much to stay ,, 8 months No Contact,, blocked on all devices,, the mourning process,, the anger ,, the sadness,, and now I’m accepting the realization and impact of this facade,,,, I had to forgive myself for seeing the red flags,, and ignoring them ,,, this has taught me to be cautious around people,, and listen to my heart ❤️
Truth remains the truth whether you accept it or not. More painful is your life when you are surrounded by narcissists and you have to do it every other time. At one point of time, you feel lonely..all alone in this world. You can weep about it and with helplessness, accept your reality and move on.
My children’s father is a narcissistic person I’ve been told. He left me with second child in arms at 18 days old 2 years ago when I confronted him as I found out he was having an affair with a work colleague and also had a hidden wife. There turns out to be 5 women and families involved and he became violent past two years after I threw him out to me. My kids and my life is destroyed and I am watching your videos to get myself help. I grieve as he appeared normal before the finding out. I am having to go through this process of radical acceptance and I think you have helped me a tonne today by saying that I am doing it right regardless of the pain bcos it will still hurt so thank you. I want to write a book about my life over 15 years with him and the 5 double lives he led concurrently to teach others that this does go on.
It's TRUE.. very difficult but still true
My only grief is losing 8 years of my life -- and having to take time to heal, -- then start over at 58.
And losing the ability to Trust.
I'm so profoundly glad your channel exists. It's so validating to hear that all of this unhealthy behavior this person had were not just a "bad childhood" and "born in the ghetto" and "had it rough growing up" and this is why they act the way they do. Just accepting that this person is 30 years old now, and cannot blame anyone anymore for their own behavior. Not mommy or daddy or ex-boyfriends or me. When I realized that I realized that it really is ALL THEM. That's when I accepted that it's never going to change.
There is a lot of grief. I noticed that once you are on this pathway of radical acceptance, you also grieve the person you once were..which for the most part, is someone naive who always tried seeing the best in everyone.
Radical acceptance for me was having the courage to leave and go no contact, best gift I ever gave myself ❤️
Dr. Ramani - Thank you. I’m one of the millions of people you have helped through your books and UA-cam channel. I made the decision to radically accept that my narcissistic husband will never change. It is excruciating to give up that hope. But, I want to tell everyone that once you accept the reality, despite the pain, it does get better. Replace the hope you had for the narcissist to change, with faith in yourself to change. You can have a great future. A great life. It doesn’t matter how old you are or what your circumstances are. For some people it is easier than for others. But for every single one of us, we can change from hoping someone else will change to believing we can change our future to whatever we want it to be. Much love to everyone suffering. Narcissists will always be narcissists. We can be whatever we want to be. I’m so grateful to you, Dr. Ramani. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I've been no contact w my dad since late 2015. Even after making the decision to go no contact, I felt so much guilt. Initially, I was pretty self assured in my decision. I knew that he was verbally and emotionally abusive, but I had a hard time actually saying those words about him.
As the years have passed, especially after I moved out of state in 2018, I've come to the radical acceptance. Last summer, I got in an argument with my mom over text and realised this: There will be no mic drop moment. Being on good terms with my parents means that I will have to leave my self respect at the door. My dad is part of a toxic family system that goes back much further than just his and my relationship. My constant mental gymnastics of what I'd say in any given argument will get torn to shreds. There will be no good faith arguments. Only putting my mental health on a platter for my family to pulverize.
"Radical acceptance sucks"
I started crying when you said this. It does suck! Its so hard and I try so hard to face life but life sucks sometimes, and it seems like it sucks for some of us more than othes from the starting line. I persevere and try to stay healthily positive and "embrace the suck" but I also dont always let myself become too aware of how much it all sucks sometimes because it can be so daunting. I am healing so much and Im proud of myself but the more I heal, the more horrified I am of just how much I've healed and how much more there is to go.
For me it started with telling myself, "He is who he is." Then I started noticing the inconsistencies and broken future promises. Once I started noticing it spiraled. I couldn't unsee things and go back.
I had to accept the "Sophie's Choice" and accept the fact my family had devolved into a nest of narcs. I may be lonely but I have my self respect and, finally, peace.
I just realizing to accept my dad, & others i just have to feel GRATITUDE when i say, " they are doing the best they can with what they know" as we ALL do. Change is only for me to do not expecting others to do.
This was very poignant for me. I’ll never forget the day I finally accepted that it would never change. I watched my last narcissist walk out to the car and leave for work. I knew I would be leaving her. It was such a sad moment, knowing the person I adored was disordered, incapable of love or change. And I did leave. The grief has been exquisite. If I had known how painful it would be I might not have had the courage to leave. But thankfully I didn’t know and I did escape. I’m not sure I’ll ever be done with the grief, but what I do I know is I’ll get better and better at coping with it and moving forward because now I’m free. And I’ll never let someone like that in my life again. I’m worth more than that to myself now.
‘If I had not known how painful it would be, I might not have had the courage to leave..’- this is poignant
My goodness....I'm reading this for the first time, 2 years after you wrote that deeply intense commentary. I hope you are in good spirits and living your best life. 🙏
Thank you for this video Dr.Ramani! You truly understand and get us , survivors, and for those who are still fighting. Thank you for validating us. I will keep on walking forward no matter how lonely and at times painful the road is.
Radical acceptance has helped me to let go of all the gaslighting. It turned out to be a very positive step. God is there with me and His love heals me.
My therapist encourages radical acceptance but I found it hard to get there. Thank you so much for explaining. I have found that it is preferable to being tortured by a narcissist for the rest of my life. Therefore, I put my hope in having a healthier relationship with myself with the intention of cultivating new and healthy relationships with others. I can do this - I have to.
Grief is the beginning of acceptance. It is the beginning of freedom.
It is excruciating. And my grief is so deep and so intense. Even still after being nearly 2 years out of the relationship. She was the narc and she was awful. But her three little boys from her previous marriage were sweet and authentic and I had never experienced that sort of love. I have never lost children like this before. Losing them has left holes in my heart that nothing can fill.
I have the opposite situation: my ex abandoned the kids. I can’t imagine what he is thinking. Your comment made me so sad. Maybe let’s just both know that the love we all feel, for these children or for ourselves, is good and present and empowers us to go on. Your love for those kids is real. Let it guide you to a peaceful place
They aren’t your kids. Your sense of loss is low level. You don’t know anything about true loss. Buck up
@@LostInTheSauce818 You know nothing about me. I know plenty about true loss. If you are going to make those kind of assumptions and comments on these threads, I suggest keeping them to yourself.
@@taiticius I’m legitimately sorry for downplaying your loss. Please forgive me. I know all too well how painful it can be to be separated from those you love whether they are adults or children. I’m sorry my brother.
@@LostInTheSauce818 thank you for this. I really appreciate it.
I just recently have hit radical acceptance, i do get those hits of grief and i'm so glad u posted this video because i know now that it's ok to have those moments or even parts of days etc. Getting over narc abuse has been so hard, especially whilst i have to face my abuser in court and hear completely made up tales about me. I lost my home and newborn baby to his lies, im lucky i documented the abuse towards the end and got away before our child was born. Baby is with my family, he made me homeless, now i got an apartment of my own, he took everything from me, the worst being my mental health and sanity. He has to see me gain it all back and best of all, he has to see the absolute lack of control or care for him. Goodbye narcissist, i won't thank you for the lessons but i promise you, i won't ever fall for this again.
Radical acceptance ("It is what it is") is liberating when you come to that place and the earlier the easier.
I resolved that in always giving toxic people the "benefit of the doubt" I was circuitously turning their abuse as being somehow my fault because nobody could purposely be that messed up--so it has to be something I'm doing. No, there are bad people. It's been almost 40 years that I came to terms with that truth and toxic types not to even try it. I hear, "you're guarded." I'm thinking, "No, I'm not going to let my guard down so you can f### with my head" Today, I'm free, confident, stable, and discerning. That wasn't always the case.
Acceptance is never easy. It is like burying your Dreams and hope. You become more irritating as every thing looks unfair. You have to realise that at the end, it is what it is. Turning your blind site towards it will not make it better.
Its been 6 months since I left him. I was nice and I would respond up until Jan 1, 2021 ... it finally occurred to me I was triggered every time he contacted me, I was upset for days ... I had to stop denying how I felt to myself. Again, I feel so much better!!! I was STILL in denial, NO CONTACT is best. E
When I lived with him I remember the bargaining with myself, praying today would be a good day, nope. RADICAL ACCEPTANCE and LOVE FOR MYSELF helped me walk away. Now I Am truly Away ... and I acknowledge my Grief
The whole thing is so painful. Radical acceptance at least provides some kind of light at the end of the tunnel.
Took me 47 years.
Here you are now and I am incredibly proud of you! ❤️
You got there in the end! Go you!
Better than 48 years!
I put in 46 myself!!! Lol. Isn't it wonderful?
They don't teach this anywhere.. to run across this info at the right time (when you're ready and able to really hear it) is like finding a needle in a haystack. Brava, I'm proud of you ❤️
only when I accepted that he is the way he is, I could grieve and get past the hurt. Only then could I see all the red flags I missed. Although, I had seen them, but at that moment I radically ignored them, because I couldn't accept that the person I loved was that broken.
Radical acceptance came in like a train on Christmas eve 10 months ago. I guess I knew nothing was going to change for quite some time, and people would tell me that my dad wouldn't change, but i kept up hope. But then he called me brainwashed and kept calling me that and not only did that hurt, it showed me that he is never going to change and be the dad i want him to be. I've accepted the hurt, but here's the thing, since cutting off communication with him, I feel happier, i feel better, i feel less stressed.
i radically accepted and moved on...started focusing on myself and self love can help you
grieve, walk away, heal and never run back. you'll thank yourself in the end from getting out of this relationshit.
Relationshit LOL
I've mourned many relationships that should've been healthy, which requires pain and tears, but has allowed me to move forward. It's sad our society encourages narcissism, it's ruined so many of the people in my life. I know it's forbidden to talk about on these channels, but I'm pissed off at the people who rule from the shadows that perpetuate narcissism, and so should everyone else that's had to deal with the destruction they've brought to our society for the purpose of subjugating decent people that could challenge the status quo and global financial elites. I really wish a health professional could muster the courage to speak about this destruction of society THAT IS BY DESIGN, NOT AN ACCIDENT, AND NOT NATURAL.
Kira Barsmit- I wish that you didn't have to write in riddles, and could speak your mind, because the vast majority of the public won't have any idea what you are talking about. But I do.
It’s a glaring enormous example playing out in front of the entire world, you are absolutely right❤️
having grief from a death in the family made me aware that life is short and brought me to the point of accepting the narcissist would not change and it was up to me to make the break, and then having to give up on a lot to do so, so yes, layers of grief
There’s so much I don’t want to give up
"The clarity feels really good, and the grief feels really heavy." - Dr. Ramini we love you. ❤️
Im numb to basically everything at this point but im stuck for so many reasons. I know im grieving. Ive given up thinking he'll be better if I dont say or do something that sets him off........but you know he can find fault or something to belittle me with, in pure fresh air! Wrong tone, wrong look, wrong level of interest....God hes tiring! I seem to say ok or whatever, a lot these days. Its just easier! Not right, but easier!
Yes. That’s me too
@@Hundredacredaycare so you're stuck and have to just deal with it?
My email is donnaberryartist@gmail.com if you wanna chat some time. Im in South Australia so our time zones might not match but I'll always reply if you reach out. In the meantime, take care of yourself and know that I get it. xx
It has taken me 2 years after splitsville to really get and feel this. My narc sees I get it now too and doesn't like it so he tries to drag me back into his grasp. I won't be fooled. This man-child is not allowed in my world any more. Now I'm away from him I have hope I can have some self worth and be free to feel good about myself. I'm proud of my bravery in leaving.
Thank you so much for this! I was under the impression rapid acceptance was a one and done thing. That I just couldn't get it. Turns out I'm not doing it wrong 😆 That truly is a weight lifted because yes it is not easy at all.
I had someone tell me once “healing is going to feel like two steps forward and two steps back.” Emphasis on the “feel like.” Trust me, there is a lot of work being done internally even though it may feel you are fluctuating or at a standstill. You’re not alone, and you’re exactly where you need to be right now.
Same here. Need to remind myself daily, hourly to accept everything and expect nothing. And yes! It’s not easy at all.
It's like a grieving process,with confusion,anger,sadness etc,yet that persons still alive and you could be the person dying because they have not accepted you in anyway at anytime
You make me feel like I'm home again... Thank you...
(have not been in a narcissistic relationship but have suffered gaslighting by tribe and a narcissistic grandpa... Your videos are so relatable)
Yeah, she makes me feel safe.
I had an "aha moment of radical acceptance yesterday." I remembered a moment when my Narc husband & I started our marraige. He had a huge crush on an 18 year old girl at work (he was 42 at the time). I remember the feeling, his hiding, lying & covering up. Recently, I noted him repeating his indescretions. He deflects, boomarangs & dehumanizes me if I try to talk it over. I realized, it will never change. In truthful moment with myself, I was able to look back & see he will never change. Never has.
The moment is good to recognize. How did you go about living like this for the past one year
Get out .
Grief work is EXTREMELY essential‼️ You must let go of that emotional baggage & negative energy in order to truly express your authentic self & experience true joy & peace with yourself
Thank you for your videos.
It made me end my marriage with a narcissist, I didn’t even know the term and when you started explaining it felt like you were talking about my life.
I radically accepted in 1998 and had him removed from the home. There was no grief on my part as I knew it, but now that I'm watching your video I realized I'm grieving the toll it took on our two kids to live in the house with a Psychopathic narcissist. You are spot-on as usual
I wonder how you had him removed. I need to do that.
Thank you. One of the biggest take always from your recent videos is that this is a life long process. I’ve been working on this stuff for 30 yrs and I just feel like I should be over it already. Realizing that I won’t get over it and that’s ok has helped take the pressure off and allowed me to give myself some grace when I’m feeling the feelings that I want to avoid.