Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
OMG. I was gobsmacked when you said that. My late narc husband would come home, and in front of my kids say " Well, what did you do ALL Day". as he would look around disapprovingly. He did it so often, stopped answering him and just stared at him. To myself, I would say " I do not have to account to you, how I spent my time. I am a gown ass woman." Since he didn't get a rise, he said " Well you aren't very good at housekeeping". Not like he did any of it himself. He had a 1950 attitude, that because he worked all day, he didn't feel like working when he came home. He expected a servant, not a wife. It was hell.
That's how my dad was. Even if I was productive he would say I was lazy playing games all day and would yell "fuck you!!" Over and over to me. I really wonder what he went thru as a child to make him act this way
I am 55 and i have been to therapy or counciling a few time throughout but no one has ever spoke with some much knowledge. I am watching as many of his UA-cam videos as i am learning my part in my relationship with my narcissistic mother. I am learning how to REALLY detach in a way that makes sense in stead of my way of staying in a place of anger to be able set boundaries with her AND myself.
I'm happy to hear that you are working and struggling on finding your true self I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional
Thank you. Your concepts are really helpful. I feel I have been loaning self to my family system for the biggest part of my adult life and compensated a lot. I feel I cannot enjoy my own success, knowing that my parents and sister seem to be at a poor and unhappy, lonely state. I cannot break the cycle and I have become angry and resentful and impatient and overreactive as well. I don't want to be unjust and I understand them all to well. At the same time I feel that they don't understand me. I tried to change myself, however I could not take them with me. How to continue to grow myself if I feel that the responsibility is only with me and neither am I willing to "loan" anymore nor am I able to leave?
I don't need to steal a self from nobody. I know who I am. They only think that a one week infant should remember who her mother is. Can you make reality from dreams? The puzzle is coming together, but these people must be nuts.
This is an incredibly useful articulation for me. I’ve hung out in various roles all along this set of behavior patterns. I was particularly interested in the idea that acting out anxiety is an attempt at self-regulation, And the idea that I may shift roles within the workplace in an attempt to help create equilibrium in the workplace environment as a super self... I guess Polonius was right when he said, “Neither a lender nor a borrower be.” Sending virtual tater-tots of appreciation to you - I’ll come back and listen to these insights more than once!
Wonderful, thanks for watching I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also
Jerry this is so very very helpful.. It is helping me understand myself, become more self aware of my behaviors in my triggers. Thank you for shedding this powerful light and understanding so I can continue in my recovery of finding my TRUE Self. ♥️I am Grateful!
Glad it was helpful! That is wonderful Lisa I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional
This is really good. It helps me a lot. You've become my go-to guy on self-awareness, self-differentiation, and working on being non-reactive. Best of luck to you.
Wonderful! I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also
Glad it was helpful! I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also
My Family System therapist talked about borrow self. I want to find out more and find your video. SO well explained. I never realize I not only borrow self, but mostly loan myself to others like my Narcissistic family and then end up with CFS. Thank you SO much Jerry for all your videos.
People were generous to me in the past, I wanted to pay it forward I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also
Every minute of this is pure gold. I feel this way about all your videos. Thank you SO much, these concepts are so helpful to me and get at the crux of what my struggles have been and what I need to learn and grow. 🙏
This is great! You can see how you’re doing from your bank account! Are you lending and not getting back or borrowing and increasing your debts? Or both. What you do emotionally, it shows up in your tangible life.
I'm glad you enjoyed this Sanna I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com
Yeah I plan on watching them all a few times as I see myself in a chaotic equilibrium dynamic with my narcissist mom. He needs a few stations on TV and radio for all to see and hear his podcast like three times a day. We are all so ignorant in relationships with one another.
We borrow self when we are anxious by being angry, blaming, criticizing, dominating, and reactivity-the viking response The “I want some of you” feeling The I-need-to-take-from-you-to- have-what- I-need-feeling. We assign others to act as a source of self. We loan self when we become anxious and lend our abilities, our calmness, and our confidence. We assign ourselves as a source of self for others superself.
@@darinsmith2458 Exactly. When we borrow or lend self we have no self. We often do these at the same time- example: I take in your feeling of disappointment of me and at the same time I give away my calmness and being true to myself.
@@jerrywise It is a painful reality. I know you talk about ACA but I started with Alanon and I was taught in there what is my side of the street. Also really finding out who I am. Learning detachment is really big in that program. I think all this stuff applies to CODA too but I have never been to one of those meetings.
Great material. In upper left corner of the background "table" one can see it's end, it doesn't fill all the background, but it's just a little technical thing. I prefer the most the last story about husband asking wife about her day. It's not about an answer, it's about the impact! Brilliant. What I see from that video, is ppl can have 3 attitudes that come from their general perception of others. 1. Ppl can see others as equal to themselves. 2. Ppl can perceive others as lesser, less important, than themselves. 3. Ppl can see others as MORE important than themselves. Next ppl will act accordingly to their perception, and this may involve quite elaborate strategies to subdue for example, another, cause we see that person as subordinate. In effect we can deal with shrinking or inflating self or experienced self. Thanks!
Jerry, can you please do a video on the use of the phrase “I love you”? I noticed that when dealing with my family of origin (narcissistic and dysfunctional) - the words were never freely exchanged unless I said it first. I’m just coming to this realization now. I believe love in my family is conditional and dependent on certain behaviors that are pleasing to the narcissist/toxic party. I also believe my mom has some narcissistic traits. She is reserved, compliant to my narc dad and never did much to defend me enough back then or now for it to stick. It’s like she is in a trance and just feels comfortable with him. She told me growing up her family never talked about feelings. Loved this video - your exploration of thoughts, feelings, self and discernment are very helpful.
Great topic THLP Thank you for watching and sharing your thoughts I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional
You are so welcome I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also
Glad it was helpful! I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also
I listened twice to this podcast. These are difficult topics. I will have to work on this a lot in order to differentiate borrowing self from loaning self from becoming real self. But I play these roles all the time. I just don't have the necessary awareness of doing that. I liked how he says to listen to your emotions. When they start to burble up, it's time to bow out temporarily. Don't keep charging into the mist, striking out left and right. You're bound to trip and fall on your face. Ouch!!!
my mum borrows by hurting me and then getting angry if I try to have a boundary of '' acknowledging that it was hurtful''. So to her, her boundary is that I IGNORE her hurtful behaviour and buy in to the gaslighting. So I feel like reacting , not reacting, it's all hopeless. At the moment I am not contacting her after a year of her stonewalling me. I can't fix this one.
Susan best to you Thank you for watching I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional
Yes I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional If you sign up now, I will be offering a live broadcast with my paid members on You Tube soon…
Borrowing self: a “friend “ likes to make derogatory comments about the female anatomy that don’t conform to his tastes. It feels like the intent is to shame me for who I choose to date. Hoping this helps someone.
It suggests a "third space" where instead of taking everything on personally, you invite the idea into a middle space that is not attached to either person. Biblically this is inviting God in instead of handling everything in the flesh. Peterson's rule on "romance" suggests creating a third person or entity with the relationship that is outside of both parties that represents a higher ground or ideal both strive to.
Inner child work can reduce these anxieties, it doesn't always feel nice but sit with it and feel it you may learn something your innerchild needs to tell you. You will be less reactive. You observe your environment and see what is happening. Staying in a victim mode will show you there is always a perpetrator. We stay present we didn't make them feel anything. Don't help with peoples problems if they didn't ask for help. And maybe if they ask for help maybe there are steps they need to do. Like those who live in the superself. All these folks don't act independently; they can learn to find ways to cope. Its not my job to solve their problem even at work as a psychotherapist maybe they need me to point a direction. No need to rescue we can interpret why this may occur. We don't triangulate that is a power move.
When i get up in the morning, i like to sit down, with my coffee, and create MY SCHEDULE for MY DAY. I create it for MY NEEDS, and no one else’s needs, so that I MAY MANAGE MY DAY, when the “pace” picks up, and i have less ability to make good choices, as i do in the early hours of MY DAY, with the anticipation of the possible “distractions that MIGHT HAPPEN, TODAY. I WOULD APPRECIATE OTHERS THAT THEY WOULD understand that i am NOT CREATING THEIR SCHEDULE. THAT is THEIR responsibility, and it is NOT MINE. (I am trying to “head off” this idea of “entitlement” from others, toward me.)
hey jerry thank you for the resources you sent me the other day! you should write a book and lay out the whole concept of self differentiation fully, i would like to learn about this as a system
Thanks for the idea! I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com
I got angry to have a self. I wrote... I'm learning my lessons at others expenses brother and dad use alcohol mom puts her self in everyone. by being a Martyr. she guilt tripped me too.
Welcome back! I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also
I hope for the better Dena I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional
And I think that if you make a reference to the book or source during your lecture/performance it would be helpful to add a link to such book or source in description below video :) And last link to podcast on spotify cannot be found
What if the conversation never goes anywhere, positive or negative, nothing gets accomplished? How can I get the “detaching person” to treat the conversation seriously? Or must I continue to bare the burden of them constantly walking away “detaching” bc and no solutions are come to? Just to say, “we’ll talk about it tomorrow” never fixes the solution since there’s never a solution.
You are welcome Violet I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also
Question Jerry,is it a triangular to have group meetings / discussions, if i may, with fellow family members about our narcissistic mom, otherwise very healthy, 83 yrs old, who has always pitted and lied to all of us trying to pit us against one another. Now we all feel on same page and try reduce collateral damage with her and our small family. We try to treat this situation with her with kid gloves and think of it as her having a disease or bad mental illness. Any thoughts?? Advice?
I'm so glad you will be a new fan, thanks Karma I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional
Self differentiation is to be yourself while staying connected to others. This is a process and a life long journey. Here are videos you might find interesting- the basics of self differentiation- ua-cam.com/play/PLoYQTW09i3W12E61oiI1NvYkIyoXMgc3u.html
I'm not sure about how a lot of Jerry's advice is just how to deal with these people. I'm tired of dealing with them and watching hours of videos every day to figure it out. I want these people out of my life for good I'm tired of it. I don't think I can put up with assholes anymore
I have many videos on going no contact with narcissistic family members. You can find them by searching ‘Jerry wise no contact’ Here is 1 video of many- Narcissistic family: should you go no contact with them? ua-cam.com/video/9r66yx9pmEA/v-deo.htmlsi=ifsLfT99lwIBoqyb
Am I understanding correctly? I had a coworker who would openly say that she was “going to be a bitch” to various people. Was she borrowing self in order to maintain control?
Thanks for watching and being a member Zil! I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
OMG. I was gobsmacked when you said that. My late narc husband would come home, and in front of my kids say " Well, what did you do ALL Day". as he would look around disapprovingly. He did it so often, stopped answering him and just stared at him. To myself, I would say " I do not have to account to you, how I spent my time. I am a gown ass woman." Since he didn't get a rise, he said " Well you aren't very good at housekeeping". Not like he did any of it himself. He had a 1950 attitude, that because he worked all day, he didn't feel like working when he came home. He expected a servant, not a wife. It was hell.
That's how my dad was. Even if I was productive he would say I was lazy playing games all day and would yell "fuck you!!" Over and over to me. I really wonder what he went thru as a child to make him act this way
It’s interesting how even when we feel a deficit of self, we loan.
They are stealing yourself too.
I am 55 and i have been to therapy or counciling a few time throughout but no one has ever spoke with some much knowledge. I am watching as many of his UA-cam videos as i am learning my part in my relationship with my narcissistic mother. I am learning how to REALLY detach in a way that makes sense in stead of my way of staying in a place of anger to be able set boundaries with her AND myself.
Yes! I'm struggling with finding my true self. I've lived my life stealing joy to fill my emptiness and loaning my false self.
I'm happy to hear that you are working and struggling on finding your true self
I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021
“Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work
It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom
Sign up on website to get info on workshops
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop
Sign up now for early bird price
I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website:
• Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop
• Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop
• Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com
Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional
Thank you. Your concepts are really helpful. I feel I have been loaning self to my family system for the biggest part of my adult life and compensated a lot. I feel I cannot enjoy my own success, knowing that my parents and sister seem to be at a poor and unhappy, lonely state. I cannot break the cycle and I have become angry and resentful and impatient and overreactive as well. I don't want to be unjust and I understand them all to well. At the same time I feel that they don't understand me. I tried to change myself, however I could not take them with me. How to continue to grow myself if I feel that the responsibility is only with me and neither am I willing to "loan" anymore nor am I able to leave?
I had no idea I was loaning self So Much... all my life!
I don't need to steal a self from nobody. I know who I am. They only think that a one week infant should remember who her mother is. Can you make reality from dreams? The puzzle is coming together, but these people must be nuts.
This is an incredibly useful articulation for me. I’ve hung out in various roles all along this set of behavior patterns. I was particularly interested in the idea that acting out anxiety is an attempt at self-regulation, And the idea that I may shift roles within the workplace in an attempt to help create equilibrium in the workplace environment as a super self...
I guess Polonius was right when he said, “Neither a lender nor a borrower be.”
Sending virtual tater-tots of appreciation to you - I’ll come back and listen to these insights more than once!
Wonderful, thanks for watching
I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021
“Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work
It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom
Sign up on website to get info on workshops
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop
Sign up now for early bird price
I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website:
• Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop
• Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop
• Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com
Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information.
Also
Jerry this is so very very helpful.. It is helping me understand myself, become more self aware of my behaviors in my triggers. Thank you for shedding this powerful light and understanding so I can continue in my recovery of finding my TRUE Self. ♥️I am Grateful!
You are so welcome Joan, thank you for your kind words
Really helpful! I’ve never heard anything like this in 40 years of working on codependency issues. Gosh! I needed to hear this today!
Glad it was helpful!
That is wonderful Lisa
I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021
“Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work
It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom
Sign up on website to get info on workshops
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop
Sign up now for early bird price
I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website:
• Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop
• Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop
• Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com
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This is really good. It helps me a lot. You've become my go-to guy on self-awareness, self-differentiation, and working on being non-reactive. Best of luck to you.
Wonderful!
I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021
“Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work
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• Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop
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“Is there something you wanted me to do today?” Luv that wife’s “response”. Very helpful info in this video!
Glad it was helpful!
I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021
“Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work
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• Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop
• Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop
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There's so many layers to this
My Family System therapist talked about borrow self. I want to find out more and find your video. SO well explained. I never realize I not only borrow self, but mostly loan myself to others like my Narcissistic family and then end up with CFS. Thank you SO much Jerry for all your videos.
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you for watching.
Any donation would help in making these videos.
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YAY!!!! Thank you, Jerry! Eager to listen and absorb :)
Thanks for listening
You've shown up in my feed not a moment too soon. God is good!
I'm glad the timing was right!
Thank you Jerry for your generosity.
People were generous to me in the past, I wanted to pay it forward
I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021
“Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work
It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom
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I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website:
• Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop
• Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop
• Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop
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Every minute of this is pure gold. I feel this way about all your videos. Thank you SO much, these concepts are so helpful to me and get at the crux of what my struggles have been and what I need to learn and grow. 🙏
In narcstc family, some children are not being treated as individuals but as things that has no value
This is great! You can see how you’re doing from your bank account! Are you lending and not getting back or borrowing and increasing your debts? Or both. What you do emotionally, it shows up in your tangible life.
I'm glad you enjoyed this Sanna
I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021
“Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work
It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom
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I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website:
• Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop
• Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop
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deep insight Jerry, need to watch it a few more times! much appreciated as always.
This is my second time through this video. So much to learn! It's hard stuff to learn, and worth it.
Yeah I plan on watching them all a few times as I see myself in a chaotic equilibrium dynamic with my narcissist mom. He needs a few stations on TV and radio for all to see and hear his podcast like three times a day. We are all so ignorant in relationships with one another.
I guess I am still learning what the difference is between loaning the self and borrowing the self out.
We borrow self when we are anxious by
being angry, blaming, criticizing,
dominating, and reactivity-the viking
response The “I want some of you” feeling
The I-need-to-take-from-you-to- have-what-
I-need-feeling. We assign others to act as
a source of self.
We loan self when we become anxious and
lend our abilities, our calmness, and our
confidence. We assign ourselves as a
source of self for others superself.
@@jerrywise So borrowing is when we take and loaning is when we give. It still seams like it is about others and not self..
@@darinsmith2458 Exactly. When we borrow or lend self we have no self.
We often do these at the same time- example: I take in your feeling of disappointment of me and at the same time I give away my calmness and being true to myself.
@@jerrywise It is a painful reality. I know you talk about ACA but I started with Alanon and I was taught in there what is my side of the street. Also really finding out who I am. Learning detachment is really big in that program. I think all this stuff applies to CODA too but I have never been to one of those meetings.
Great material. In upper left corner of the background "table" one can see it's end, it doesn't fill all the background, but it's just a little technical thing. I prefer the most the last story about husband asking wife about her day. It's not about an answer, it's about the impact! Brilliant.
What I see from that video, is ppl can have 3 attitudes that come from their general perception of others.
1. Ppl can see others as equal to themselves.
2. Ppl can perceive others as lesser, less important, than themselves.
3. Ppl can see others as MORE important than themselves.
Next ppl will act accordingly to their perception, and this may involve quite elaborate strategies to subdue for example, another, cause we see that person as subordinate. In effect we can deal with shrinking or inflating self or experienced self. Thanks!
Brilliant! These examples of interaractions are very helpful for understanding and utilizing these important concepts.
Glad you think so!
Jerry, can you please do a video on the use of the phrase “I love you”? I noticed that when dealing with my family of origin (narcissistic and dysfunctional) - the words were never freely exchanged unless I said it first. I’m just coming to this realization now. I believe love in my family is conditional and dependent on certain behaviors that are pleasing to the narcissist/toxic party. I also believe my mom has some narcissistic traits. She is reserved, compliant to my narc dad and never did much to defend me enough back then or now for it to stick. It’s like she is in a trance and just feels comfortable with him. She told me growing up her family never talked about feelings. Loved this video - your exploration of thoughts, feelings, self and discernment are very helpful.
Great topic THLP
Thank you for watching and sharing your thoughts
I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021
“Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work
It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom
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• Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop
• Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop
• Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop
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Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional
Thank you for all the examples of responding and communicating real self.
Doing my 4th listen...this is amazing.....jerry your work is invaluable...
Thank you from my inner child lil sunny 😊
You are so welcome
I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021
“Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work
It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom
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I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website:
• Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop
• Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop
• Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop
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Thank you for this, Jerry. Loved the examples!
Glad it was helpful!
I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021
“Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work
It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom
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I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website:
• Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop
• Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop
• Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop
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Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information.
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I listened twice to this podcast. These are difficult topics. I will have to work on this a lot in order to differentiate borrowing self from loaning self from becoming real self. But I play these roles all the time. I just don't have the necessary awareness of doing that. I liked how he says to listen to your emotions. When they start to burble up, it's time to bow out temporarily. Don't keep charging into the mist, striking out left and right. You're bound to trip and fall on your face. Ouch!!!
This video comes at perfect timing for me . Thank you Jerry !!
So glad!
Narcsts make some children feel that they are useless though they may b better than other sublings
my mum borrows by hurting me and then getting angry if I try to have a boundary of '' acknowledging that it was hurtful''. So to her, her boundary is that I IGNORE her hurtful behaviour and buy in to the gaslighting. So I feel like reacting , not reacting, it's all hopeless. At the moment I am not contacting her after a year of her stonewalling me. I can't fix this one.
Susan best to you
Thank you for watching
I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021
“Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work
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• Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop
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This is all about enmeshment.
Yes
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• Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop
• Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop
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If you sign up now, I will be offering a live broadcast with my paid members on You Tube soon…
So enlightening, Jerry. Thank you!!
That’s very well said. You’ve described the layers so well.
I’m glad it resonated with you
Borrowing self: a “friend “ likes to make derogatory comments about the female anatomy that don’t conform to his tastes. It feels like the intent is to shame me for who I choose to date. Hoping this helps someone.
It suggests a "third space" where instead of taking everything on personally, you invite the idea into a middle space that is not attached to either person. Biblically this is inviting God in instead of handling everything in the flesh. Peterson's rule on "romance" suggests creating a third person or entity with the relationship that is outside of both parties that represents a higher ground or ideal both strive to.
Inner child work can reduce these anxieties, it doesn't always feel nice but sit with it and feel it you may learn something your innerchild needs to tell you. You will be less reactive. You observe your environment and see what is happening. Staying in a victim mode will show you there is always a perpetrator. We stay present we didn't make them feel anything. Don't help with peoples problems if they didn't ask for help. And maybe if they ask for help maybe there are steps they need to do. Like those who live in the superself. All these folks don't act independently; they can learn to find ways to cope. Its not my job to solve their problem even at work as a psychotherapist maybe they need me to point a direction. No need to rescue we can interpret why this may occur. We don't triangulate that is a power move.
When i get up in the morning, i like to sit down, with my coffee, and create MY SCHEDULE for MY DAY. I create it for MY NEEDS, and no one else’s needs, so that I MAY MANAGE MY DAY, when the “pace” picks up, and i have less ability to make good choices, as i do in the early hours of MY DAY, with the anticipation of the possible “distractions that MIGHT HAPPEN, TODAY. I WOULD APPRECIATE OTHERS THAT THEY WOULD understand that i am NOT CREATING THEIR SCHEDULE. THAT is THEIR responsibility, and it is NOT MINE. (I am trying to “head off” this idea of “entitlement” from others, toward me.)
💯
hey jerry thank you for the resources you sent me the other day! you should write a book and lay out the whole concept of self differentiation fully, i would like to learn about this as a system
Thanks for the idea!
I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021
“Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work
It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom
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• Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop
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I got angry to have a self.
I wrote... I'm learning my lessons at others expenses
brother and dad use alcohol
mom puts her self in everyone. by being a Martyr. she guilt tripped me too.
Very helpful 🙏🏻💜
I’m glad it was helpful 😊🤍
Excellent video.
Thank you very much!
Thank you, Jerry. I haven't watched your videos for sometime now. This was a well recieved reintroduction for me.
Welcome back!
I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021
“Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work
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• Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop
• Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop
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@@jerrywise Thank you, Jerry! I will look into it :)
Excellent video!
Mind blown!!
I hope for the better Dena
I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021
“Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work
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• Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop
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And I think that if you make a reference to the book or source during your lecture/performance it would be helpful to add a link to such book or source in description below video :)
And last link to podcast on spotify cannot be found
fantastic video ! very clear ! thank you !
Glad it was helpful!
So grateful to you ❤️
Wow! Amazing insights! TYSMFS! 😎
You are so welcome!
Thank you for watching.
Any donation would help in making these videos.
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What if the conversation never goes anywhere, positive or negative, nothing gets accomplished? How can I get the “detaching person” to treat the conversation seriously? Or must I continue to bare the burden of them constantly walking away “detaching” bc and no solutions are come to? Just to say, “we’ll talk about it tomorrow” never fixes the solution since there’s never a solution.
Thanks Jerry
Thank you for listening
Thank you Jerry.
You are welcome Violet
I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021
“Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work
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• Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop
• Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop
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Question Jerry,is it a triangular to have group meetings / discussions, if i may, with fellow family members about our narcissistic mom, otherwise very healthy, 83 yrs old, who has always pitted and lied to all of us trying to pit us against one another. Now we all feel on same page and try reduce collateral damage with her and our small family. We try to treat this situation with her with kid gloves and think of it as her having a disease or bad mental illness. Any thoughts?? Advice?
Hello:) I will be your new fan:)
I'm so glad you will be a new fan, thanks Karma
I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021
“Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work
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I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website:
• Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop
• Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop
• Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop
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Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional
Great video Jerry
Glad you enjoyed it
how can you honor a selfish parent
Oh, btw, u often underline the role of differentiation. Is it the best to differentiate from others in 100%?
Self differentiation is to be yourself while staying connected to others. This is a process and a life long journey.
Here are videos you might find interesting- the basics of self differentiation- ua-cam.com/play/PLoYQTW09i3W12E61oiI1NvYkIyoXMgc3u.html
I'm not sure about how a lot of Jerry's advice is just how to deal with these people. I'm tired of dealing with them and watching hours of videos every day to figure it out. I want these people out of my life for good I'm tired of it. I don't think I can put up with assholes anymore
I have many videos on going no contact with narcissistic family members. You can find them by searching ‘Jerry wise no contact’
Here is 1 video of many-
Narcissistic family: should you go no contact with them? ua-cam.com/video/9r66yx9pmEA/v-deo.htmlsi=ifsLfT99lwIBoqyb
Amazing
Am I understanding correctly?
I had a coworker who would openly say that she was “going to be a bitch” to various people. Was she borrowing self in order to maintain control?
Wow
4 19
Tater- tot... lol love it~
Thanks for watching and being a member Zil!
I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021
“Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work
It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom
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I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website:
• Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop
• Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop
• Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop