Q: Why did the narcissist cross the road? A: He thought it was a boundary! Narcissists never respect boundaries. One in six people is a narcissist. The world would be a much better and saner place if all narcs were relegated to an isolated island… let them deal with each other!
Best boundaries you can set is DISTANCE. I am so glad I left my GRANDIOSE narcissistic raging verbal abuser. I am never allowing people to scream and rage in public and at home. NARCS ruin every VACATION.
They ruined any situation if it’s not about them their children’s birthdays, parties, vacations, anything even if you’re just in a happy mood it’s a war on Joy
They do not respect boundaries at all and the abuse gets worse when you try to set boundaries. No contact is the best way to go. Learning to protect myself from these types of personalities is my goal. Jim, your videos are very helpful, thank you.
I naturally started with assertiveness, then boundaries, then grey rock then no contact. I am blessed that it is only my brother that is the narcissist and not a spouse. My heart goes out to people caught in a marriage or co-parenting situation with one.
Update: I have now realized that my mother is also a narcissist but since she is more of the martyr type rather than predator type narcissist I think I can just keep her at arm’s length but she is 74 so dealing with her in her old age will be a challenge to my mental health.
Over caring that is the point for me, caring what my parents think and get upset about that my grandchildren like me that my brother in law talk about me behind my back. I discovered when nobody like me, i still like myself a lot. And when i dont care i feel a lot free in what i do or not. You are so good in explaining and say what you can do about things. Thank you for your advices and good videos
This video was what I need to be reminded of this morning…I will not find intimacy or validation from my spouse. I have been living in the grey rock state with him for a couple of years and he 12:08 said just recently he has had enough and his going to leave and now that has triggered my fears😭financially and loneliness. I so badly wanted a great marriage and worked so hard at it until I was exhausted. Married 37 yrs now…and 🤦🏻♀️ he always treated his family & friends better than me so I have felt left out for a long time! God help me🙏
Please, Dear, do everything to become financially independent, and LEAVE that empty void he is. They only crave to DESTROY every partner, without empathy, without a soul, they are not fully human. RUN! ❤
I never told my mother my boundaries. I moved out when I was 18 and then I’d be the one visiting her… so when she was acting up or telling me to change my clothes… I’d walk out and go home. I ignored her when she’d give me the silent treatment and she would end up getting frustrated and contacting me. One time she blocked me for 2 years and then was so frazzled that I didn’t reach out to her lol She gave me another backhanded compliment and I stopped answering her calls 1.5 week ago. The best thing I did though is moving to a different continent and became completely independent a very long time ago. I still slip sometimes and I want my mom’s emotional support and then I get it thrown in my face and used against me. I’m completely done reaching out when I’m struggling. I’m reaching out to an imaginary person. Talking to my labrador will be a lot more soothing and productive. At least my dog loves me unconditionally.
Hey. I totally understand you about the emotional support. I can highly recommend reading "The power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle, this helped me to dissolve all my trauma and any emotional neediness over time. I feel as solid as a rock now, no matter the outside circumstances.
I must say, this is brilliant and game changing. I dont have enough words to express how gratefull I am for all your work on this channel. For over 10 years of my relationship with a narcissist this is the most strenghthening knowledge. Everything starts to clear up and I can finally protect myself from any further abuse. You care for us more than all Our partners combine. Thank You, Sir.
When I put up boundaries to my mother, with that I mean when she for a example tells me ( while mocking me)that she knows more how I feel and thinks than I do; and I tell her calmly there is no chance you can do that just like I can’t know how you feel and think she exploits and screams out loud do you know you are talking to your mother? Or as simple as when my phone beeps and I’m not looking at my message right away she tells me you go look and tell me who it is, what they are saying so I know if it’s important and how we will answer. Then I say calmly I will look at it later,now im making dinner. She then gets furious and says you are a awful human being! My god I’m 42 year old! I’m constantly trying to be calm, not react and not explain and defend but it’s very hard especially with the defend, she just want take no for a answer and she want to own me and eat me alive. My enabler father just helping her with what she want and helps with the abuse. I’m the scapegoat in my family and my golden child older brother have become a narcissist or sociopath. I’m planning to go no contact with them. Thanks for all your great videos, you are so calm and clear and they are so concise. It’s makes it easy to understand even with my brain fog 😊
@@Greenawareness188 You’re welcome and thank you for that, that makes me also feel less alone. I think it important to see that this just doesn’t happen to one self. Even if one can see that they are the problem it’s comforting that it’s not that personal if you know what I mean.. this dynamic happens to others also. When you have been indoctrinated your whole life that your the problem it’s really hard to not take it personally. The best way for me is meditation and work with my inner child, to really heel and give love to that wounded child. God luck for you in your journey!
So Jim....this video is excellent counsel. It's a keeper. I'll watch again and again. You are so generous to share these "how tos." I'm very appreciative. Your advice really helps us learn what we are dealing with and learn to manage our expectations.
I love your calm manner and frankness. 6 months ago I was a confused and broken person. Thanks to these U-tube videos I have regained my life. You actually give the sentences to say to these people! I now have the tools to recognize them and what to do if my boundaries don't work. Run! I didn't know it was such a pattern in people! Amazing! I am healing and have gone no contact. Your videos help me quickly recognize if someone like that shows up in my life again.
My sister told my raging mom that if she couldn't treat her and speak to her with respect, she'd hang up the phone (which she did). Later, my mom texted her this: "We need to stop this anger between us; you shouldn't let the sun go down on your anger." Like my sister was the angry one. It's quite stunning, the projection.
Thank you for these wonderful videos. Similar methods work like a charm with my older sister, who is highly narcissistic, and can be really nasty and mean sometimes. Over the years, I developed a set of guidelines, limitations, non-reactivenesa, not engaging in arguments when I disagree, but at the same time not giving in when my decisions in these situations differ, not calling her out on things I know she won't change and would just create arguments, etc. The longer I practices that, the more I developed acceptance of her without previous anger her behaviors awoke in me, and the more she saw my behavior as loving, and better than what most gave her. I think we're in the highest possible place in our relationship. It's a limited one, but very predictable and acceptable now. On the other hand, on the subject of my covert narcissistic ex and setting boundaries, when I stated I can't have a vacation with his female friend, or spend my work evenings on regular basis with her, he accused me of being controlling, giving ultimatums, being immature and unkind. So I said goodbye. It wasn't an ultimatum. It was a description of my needs in a romantic relationship. Not an argument whether they're reasonable in his opinion.
Jim, you’re amazing because I’m watching this and making predictions on what the narc/psycho will do, but you’re so calm, cool and collected even though, you too, know what they’re gonna do! It just makes me laugh. I’m to the educational point now where they are so predictable. They’re so predictable that people leave comments that simply say, exit the relationship. And those comments get 1,000 likes! lol! But, I know, it takes steps, experience and growth. Oh ok, I watched the rest of the video and you do talk about the grey rock method and to leave the relationship. This was a very good video, as always, thank you, Jim!
Really great information on this video, I had to set some hard boundaries recently with my mother and father-in-law. I wish I would have viewed this video before hand. Your take on expectations is spot on. Once you except the fact that they will never do THEIR part it makes room for a lot of growth.
Mr. Brillon , Thank you for your helpful video. You combine hard realism with a calm manner. I will definitely watch more videos to learn and cope in daily life.
I did the grey rock method the last part of my marriage while I made plans to get out. I do not do parent with him. We have no contact and my youngest daughter has no contact. We are finally happy and live in peace! I hope people who are in these types of abusive relationships get out ASAP.
I figured out that my parent enjoys picking on people, specially when she sees they're getting more frustrated or angry then she highers her doses even more.. As if it gives her a sense of control. She was even bragging for years that she runs me and my siblings with a remote control. 🤦🏻♀️
My ex is a covert narcissist. I share a child with him and now my kid is a mirror of me. Which breaks my heart because I developed a fawning trauma response, and I see my son doing the same. I have been on a journey and work on being the “grey rock”
I haven't found anything thst worked, all I do is keep quiet on my own goals so they can't destroy it and never meet them outside of the house. I don't go out with my narcissistic sister. All she does it turn everyone against me because it gives her joy to "expose me". I don't care about her friends anyway. I just ealka way from anyone she hangs with. It's been such a life saver to just stay away.
I've gone No Contact with my Golden Child older sister, because I just don't seem to have the ability to set boundaries with her. Plus, she's mean!!! I feel as if she walks right in to my body and wants to control my thoughts, my breathing, my everything. She "triggers" all of the same emotions that I had with my raging, controlling, abusive, alcoholic father. She rages at me if I don't obey, just as he did. And she says the most hateful things, then conveniently forgets. And I'm over it. I just can't be that little, defiant, terrified, sad child anymore. How do you escape your familial role of Scapegoat, without getting rid of your entire family? Honestly, I take them everywhere I go anyway. Their words are on a continuous, hateful, hurtful loop in my head. For example, my daughter suffers from non-remitting migraines. It's absolutely awful. She's currently seeing a neurologist at the Goldberg migraine/headache clinic at UCLA. We saw her dr last week and her dr wants to hospitalize her for a 3x a day, 5 day DHE infusion. This isn't made up. These damn migraines have robbed her of so much of her life already. And the drs don't know how to fix her. Any parent with a sick kid knows how devastating it is... For the whole family. She is on her 5th neurologist. Each neurologist has been specialized in the treatment of migraines. She has had so many treatments, seen so many drs: Botox, Occipital Nerve Blocks, Sphenopalatine Ganglion blocks, CGRP injections, B2 and Magnesium IVs, every kind of rapid treatment, seizure meds, depression meds, everything the drs can think of, she tries. Botox helps a little. She's seen Pain specialists, Occupational therapist, Physical therapists, Irlen specialists, ENT specialists, maxillofacial specialists, Endocrinologists, Pituitary specialist.... Ugh... This has been a nightmare. She's 22 and these began when she was in 8th grade. Just a few, at first. Shed have to go sit in the nurses office during choir, which was her favorite class. Then, by junior year, she was non-remitting. She had to go on home schooling, where she struggled to do any work at all. It's awful to watch your child suffer and for there to be no cure. Honestly, I'm grieving. Grieving for my child's pain, grieving for her lost years, grieving for the normal life that I'd hoped for my daughter. Just to grow up and find a passion for a career. Perhaps, fall in love and live happily ever after. The normal stuff. This is a kid who was voted most likely to succeed in Jr. High. She was a GATE, honors, AP, Presidential award student. Her science teacher nominated her to go to a STEM camp at the Naval Academy in her 8th grade summer. She loved it. She had high hopes. She dreamed of being a chemical engineer. Instead, we go to drs. Instead, she sits in her room. Instead, the house is silent. She has two younger brothers and it's been very difficult for them. And I'm trying to make life normal for them. But, how? Plus, I'm the full-time caregiver of my 86-year-old mother. Where are my siblings? MIA. I have told no one outside of the family and very few friends about her condition. I mainly have only spoken to health professionals and her former school about her health. Yet, my sister has used it to gain sympathy all over her neighborhood. Her friends, neighbors, acquaintances, church group all know about my child. When I go to her house, they want to discuss at length everything they know about migraines and give me false sympathy. In my opinion, her friends and neighbors are gossipy vipers, just like my sister. Most people say, "Oh, I knew someone once who had migraines. Has she tried drinking more water? Or, taking a walk? Or, taking a cold bath?" As if we didn't try that when she was 14. Usually people have migraines a few times a month. But my daughter has them everyday. So, because I l'm a good Scapegoat, I keep things to myself. So, its uncomfortable for me to know that everyone knows everything about my family, even though I can't even remember the neighbors name, because I've met them so few times. Honestly, You open up, you get hurt. So, I keep our family struggles to the professionals. Unfortunately, my sister knows. She accused me of Munchausen by proxy. Damn. That hurt more than if she'd shot me. I can't express how painful it is not to be able to lean on a sibling. Not to find someone who is on your side when you're faced with life's challenges. Of course, I should have expected something like that. She says that I'm the reason why our Dad was an alcoholic. "If it hadn't been for you, we would have been a happy family." I was the reason why our mom struggled with her weight. I'm the reason why my brother doesn't come to see our mom. Me. If you have a sick kid, you already feel as if it's your fault. Perhaps, I broke her brain? Maybe, I pushed her too hard in math 6th grade year? Maybe, it's because I was pregnant during September 11th...on and on and on. But to have a sister, who claims to love me and my child, essentially accuse my daughter of faking and me enjoying her pain is, pardon my French, f*cking demented. She has two healthy, thriving kids. She could never understand how awful it is to have a kid who is not healthy and thriving. So, I went No Contact. If she isn't by my side in life, I don't want her anywhere near me. Not in back of me, stabbing me. Nor in front of me, punching me where it hurts. What makes someone so cruel? I guess I should just remember how spoiled-rotten and entitled my parents made her. Then, I'll have my answer.
I believe my husband is a narcissist. It’s very difficult to have any healthy conversation as he baits me, puts me down, uses vulnerability such as my family relationships against me. I try to put boundaries down, but he invades them, texts me 100s of times with put downs of things that I did or didn’t do in the past. He can’t be talked to when he’s in a rage, to be honest, it’s very scary.
If someone behaves with all of these traits; negativity, anger, controlling, invalidation, blaming, projection, and superiority towards their partner, but doesn’t act confidently themselves (#1 motivation in life is to avoid embarrassment, doesn’t find themselves pretty) are they a covert narcissist? Are they something else? Are they rightly disappointed?!
So many of the therapists on you tube talk about winning against a narcissist or outsmarting them or beating them at their own game. I hate these videos! This doesn’t help someone in a long-term married w/kids situation. I just want to survive this the best I can and help my daughter not become a narcissist and be able to spot and avoid narcissists
bad character can destroy ur good character Proverbs really explains these people u must walk away at 83 she remains the same but pretends she is the best follower of God the only Bride this is deceptive no humility Pride and arrogance it is just deception they believe the lie their lie sad but if they will not listen to God they sure will not listen to u move on and be the best u can be great vid
What about when people accuse you of being a narcissist to AVOID communicating with you. Like, "I can't talk to you because you're just going to XYZ," but that's not true.
I like things done a certain way, my way,,,When you ask me to do something, it make me not want to do it,,,I don't compromise,,,I like to remember things the way I remember them, not necessarily how they happened,,, I like to push the boundaries - these are some of the things I hear. Are these examples of something a Covert Narcissist would say?
@ingridwieneriw , Well , those statements do seem kind of familiar. Narcissists can be very tricky . I wish I could stop being upset by my Mom's invalidating comments.
When someone demands that I explain, pushes me to react or engage, or asks me to defend myself when I’m detaching myself not to react….sometimes they know what buttons to push. What is the best tool I can use?
My stalker broke the radiant heating in my floor that cost me thousands to install and obviously I count on this to keep warm- overall I am deeply concerned about a hate group of any kind which this is. I don’t have to stay in relationships where I’m being abused .
“Childhood trauma is not an excuse for bad behavior as an adult.” 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Q: Why did the narcissist cross the road?
A: He thought it was a boundary!
Narcissists never respect boundaries. One in six people is a narcissist. The world would be a much better and saner place if all narcs were relegated to an isolated island… let them deal with each other!
😂😂😂
Best boundaries you can set is DISTANCE. I am so glad I left my GRANDIOSE narcissistic raging verbal abuser. I am never allowing people to scream and rage in public and at home. NARCS ruin every VACATION.
Agreed! I can't get away from the narcissist in my life.😢 it's my mother.😢
They ruined any situation if it’s not about them their children’s birthdays, parties, vacations, anything even if you’re just in a happy mood it’s a war on Joy
EVERY VACATION EVER
This is the most exhausting relationship to have to navigate
They do not respect boundaries at all and the abuse gets worse when you try to set boundaries. No contact is the best way to go. Learning to protect myself from these types of personalities is my goal. Jim, your videos are very helpful, thank you.
I naturally started with assertiveness, then boundaries, then grey rock then no contact.
I am blessed that it is only my brother that is the narcissist and not a spouse. My heart goes out to people caught in a marriage or co-parenting situation with one.
Update: I have now realized that my mother is also a narcissist but since she is more of the martyr type rather than predator type narcissist I think I can just keep her at arm’s length but she is 74 so dealing with her in her old age will be a challenge to my mental health.
As a co parent it is hell. on. earth.
Over caring that is the point for me, caring what my parents think and get upset about that my grandchildren like me that my brother in law talk about me behind my back.
I discovered when nobody like me, i still like myself a lot. And when i dont care i feel a lot free in what i do or not.
You are so good in explaining and say what you can do about things. Thank you for your advices and good videos
This video was what I need to be reminded of this morning…I will not find intimacy or validation from my spouse. I have been living in the grey rock state with him for a couple of years and he 12:08 said just recently he has had enough and his going to leave and now that has triggered my fears😭financially and loneliness. I so badly wanted a great marriage and worked so hard at it until I was exhausted. Married
37 yrs now…and 🤦🏻♀️ he always treated his family & friends better than me so I have felt left out for a long time! God help me🙏
Please, Dear, do everything to become financially independent, and LEAVE that empty void he is. They only crave to DESTROY every partner, without empathy, without a soul, they are not fully human. RUN! ❤
Thank you for taking time to make this video. So precious, practical and to the point.
I never told my mother my boundaries. I moved out when I was 18 and then I’d be the one visiting her… so when she was acting up or telling me to change my clothes… I’d walk out and go home. I ignored her when she’d give me the silent treatment and she would end up getting frustrated and contacting me. One time she blocked me for 2 years and then was so frazzled that I didn’t reach out to her lol
She gave me another backhanded compliment and I stopped answering her calls 1.5 week ago.
The best thing I did though is moving to a different continent and became completely independent a very long time ago. I still slip sometimes and I want my mom’s emotional support and then I get it thrown in my face and used against me. I’m completely done reaching out when I’m struggling. I’m reaching out to an imaginary person. Talking to my labrador will be a lot more soothing and productive. At least my dog loves me unconditionally.
Hey. I totally understand you about the emotional support. I can highly recommend reading "The power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle, this helped me to dissolve all my trauma and any emotional neediness over time. I feel as solid as a rock now, no matter the outside circumstances.
@@cavallopazzo340 thank you so much! I just ordered it.
This is so on point, the best video on this topic I've ever seen. Thank you so much!
Some narcissists you can cut off. Others you must learn how to manage.
I must say, this is brilliant and game changing. I dont have enough words to express how gratefull I am for all your work on this channel.
For over 10 years of my relationship with a narcissist this is the most strenghthening knowledge. Everything starts to clear up and I can finally protect myself from any further abuse.
You care for us more than all Our partners combine.
Thank You, Sir.
When I put up boundaries to my mother, with that I mean when she for a example tells me ( while mocking me)that she knows more how I feel and thinks than I do; and I tell her calmly there is no chance you can do that just like I can’t know how you feel and think she exploits and screams out loud do you know you are talking to your mother?
Or as simple as when my phone beeps and I’m not looking at my message right away she tells me you go look and tell me who it is, what they are saying so I know if it’s important and how we will answer. Then I say calmly I will look at it later,now im making dinner. She then gets furious and says you are a awful human being! My god I’m 42 year old!
I’m constantly trying to be calm, not react and not explain and defend but it’s very hard especially with the defend, she just want take no for a answer and she want to own me and eat me alive. My enabler father just helping her with what she want and helps with the abuse. I’m the scapegoat in my family and my golden child older brother have become a narcissist or sociopath. I’m planning to go no contact with them.
Thanks for all your great videos, you are so calm and clear and they are so concise. It’s makes it easy to understand even with my brain fog 😊
That sounds exhausting and stressful. I hope you can find a way to put some distance between yourself and this toxic person
Thank you so much! I hope so too and I’m working on it.
@Mia-gu4qh , Thank you , I appreciated your comment . I feel less alone. I look forward to seeing more of what you think about.
@@Greenawareness188
You’re welcome and thank you for that, that makes me also feel less alone. I think it important to see that this just doesn’t happen to one self. Even if one can see that they are the problem it’s comforting that it’s not that personal if you know what I mean.. this dynamic happens to others also. When you have been indoctrinated your whole life that your the problem it’s really hard to not take it personally. The best way for me is meditation and work with my inner child, to really heel and give love to that wounded child.
God luck for you in your journey!
So Jim....this video is excellent counsel. It's a keeper. I'll watch again and again. You are so generous to share these "how tos." I'm very appreciative. Your advice really helps us learn what we are dealing with and learn to manage our expectations.
I love your calm manner and frankness. 6 months ago I was a confused and broken person. Thanks to these U-tube videos I have regained my life. You actually give the sentences to say to these people! I now have the tools to recognize them and what to do if my boundaries don't work. Run! I didn't know it was such a pattern in people! Amazing! I am healing and have gone no contact. Your videos help me quickly recognize if someone like that shows up in my life again.
My sister told my raging mom that if she couldn't treat her and speak to her with respect, she'd hang up the phone (which she did). Later, my mom texted her this: "We need to stop this anger between us; you shouldn't let the sun go down on your anger." Like my sister was the angry one. It's quite stunning, the projection.
Such a great video. A friend of mine and I call ultimatums "Old Tomatoes". They are weak and mushy, and no one wants them. Have a great day!
I have never been successful in setting a boundary with my mother. I hate her more than words can say.
Thank you for these wonderful videos.
Similar methods work like a charm with my older sister, who is highly narcissistic, and can be really nasty and mean sometimes. Over the years, I developed a set of guidelines, limitations, non-reactivenesa, not engaging in arguments when I disagree, but at the same time not giving in when my decisions in these situations differ, not calling her out on things I know she won't change and would just create arguments, etc. The longer I practices that, the more I developed acceptance of her without previous anger her behaviors awoke in me, and the more she saw my behavior as loving, and better than what most gave her. I think we're in the highest possible place in our relationship. It's a limited one, but very predictable and acceptable now.
On the other hand, on the subject of my covert narcissistic ex and setting boundaries, when I stated I can't have a vacation with his female friend, or spend my work evenings on regular basis with her, he accused me of being controlling, giving ultimatums, being immature and unkind. So I said goodbye. It wasn't an ultimatum. It was a description of my needs in a romantic relationship. Not an argument whether they're reasonable in his opinion.
Jim, you’re amazing because I’m watching this and making predictions on what the narc/psycho will do, but you’re so calm, cool and collected even though, you too, know what they’re gonna do! It just makes me laugh. I’m to the educational point now where they are so predictable. They’re so predictable that people leave comments that simply say, exit the relationship. And those comments get 1,000 likes! lol! But, I know, it takes steps, experience and growth.
Oh ok, I watched the rest of the video and you do talk about the grey rock method and to leave the relationship.
This was a very good video, as always, thank you, Jim!
This was on point ☝️ thank you for sharing 🙂🙂🙂
I've learned to hide and conceal the things I love and like since I was a teenager.. My parent is still making me feel bad even for that.
This video is very helpful. Definitely going to save it and watch it over and over and over.
Thank you sir
Thank you sir😊
Really great information on this video, I had to set some hard boundaries recently with my mother and father-in-law. I wish I would have viewed this video before hand. Your take on expectations is spot on. Once you except the fact that they will never do THEIR part it makes room for a lot of growth.
Mr. Brillon , Thank you for your helpful video. You combine hard realism with a calm manner. I will definitely watch more videos to learn and cope in daily life.
Stun gun?😂😂😂😂 no not really may make the SCREAMING ragers go to higher pitch
I did the grey rock method the last part of my marriage while I made plans to get out. I do not do parent with him. We have no contact and my youngest daughter has no contact. We are finally happy and live in peace! I hope people who are in these types of abusive relationships get out ASAP.
I figured out that my parent enjoys picking on people, specially when she sees they're getting more frustrated or angry then she highers her doses even more.. As if it gives her a sense of control.
She was even bragging for years that she runs me and my siblings with a remote control. 🤦🏻♀️
The best boundary to set with a narcissist is that you are not in a relationship with them. Go no contact. You will be much happier.
Ask them why they get upset about anything in front of other people.
My ex is a covert narcissist. I share a child with him and now my kid is a mirror of me. Which breaks my heart because I developed a fawning trauma response, and I see my son doing the same. I have been on a journey and work on being the “grey rock”
I haven't found anything thst worked, all I do is keep quiet on my own goals so they can't destroy it and never meet them outside of the house. I don't go out with my narcissistic sister. All she does it turn everyone against me because it gives her joy to "expose me". I don't care about her friends anyway. I just ealka way from anyone she hangs with. It's been such a life saver to just stay away.
I've gone No Contact with my Golden Child older sister, because I just don't seem to have the ability to set boundaries with her.
Plus, she's mean!!!
I feel as if she walks right in to my body and wants to control my thoughts, my breathing, my everything.
She "triggers" all of the same emotions that I had with my raging, controlling, abusive, alcoholic father.
She rages at me if I don't obey, just as he did. And she says the most hateful things, then conveniently forgets.
And I'm over it.
I just can't be that little, defiant, terrified, sad child anymore.
How do you escape your familial role of Scapegoat, without getting rid of your entire family?
Honestly, I take them everywhere I go anyway. Their words are on a continuous, hateful, hurtful loop in my head.
For example, my daughter suffers from non-remitting migraines.
It's absolutely awful.
She's currently seeing a neurologist at the Goldberg migraine/headache clinic at UCLA. We saw her dr last week and her dr wants to hospitalize her for a 3x a day, 5 day DHE infusion.
This isn't made up.
These damn migraines have robbed her of so much of her life already. And the drs don't know how to fix her.
Any parent with a sick kid knows how devastating it is... For the whole family.
She is on her 5th neurologist. Each neurologist has been specialized in the treatment of migraines.
She has had so many treatments, seen so many drs: Botox, Occipital Nerve Blocks, Sphenopalatine Ganglion blocks, CGRP injections, B2 and Magnesium IVs, every kind of rapid treatment, seizure meds, depression meds, everything the drs can think of, she tries. Botox helps a little.
She's seen Pain specialists, Occupational therapist, Physical therapists, Irlen specialists, ENT specialists, maxillofacial specialists, Endocrinologists, Pituitary specialist....
Ugh...
This has been a nightmare.
She's 22 and these began when she was in 8th grade. Just a few, at first. Shed have to go sit in the nurses office during choir, which was her favorite class.
Then, by junior year, she was non-remitting. She had to go on home schooling, where she struggled to do any work at all.
It's awful to watch your child suffer and for there to be no cure.
Honestly, I'm grieving.
Grieving for my child's pain, grieving for her lost years, grieving for the normal life that I'd hoped for my daughter. Just to grow up and find a passion for a career. Perhaps, fall in love and live happily ever after.
The normal stuff.
This is a kid who was voted most likely to succeed in Jr. High. She was a GATE, honors, AP, Presidential award student. Her science teacher nominated her to go to a STEM camp at the Naval Academy in her 8th grade summer. She loved it.
She had high hopes. She dreamed of being a chemical engineer.
Instead, we go to drs. Instead, she sits in her room. Instead, the house is silent.
She has two younger brothers and it's been very difficult for them. And I'm trying to make life normal for them. But, how?
Plus, I'm the full-time caregiver of my 86-year-old mother.
Where are my siblings? MIA.
I have told no one outside of the family and very few friends about her condition. I mainly have only spoken to health professionals and her former school about her health.
Yet, my sister has used it to gain sympathy all over her neighborhood. Her friends, neighbors, acquaintances, church group all know about my child.
When I go to her house, they want to discuss at length everything they know about migraines and give me false sympathy. In my opinion, her friends and neighbors are gossipy vipers, just like my sister.
Most people say, "Oh, I knew someone once who had migraines. Has she tried drinking more water? Or, taking a walk? Or, taking a cold bath?"
As if we didn't try that when she was 14.
Usually people have migraines a few times a month. But my daughter has them everyday.
So, because I l'm a good Scapegoat, I keep things to myself. So, its uncomfortable for me to know that everyone knows everything about my family, even though I can't even remember the neighbors name, because I've met them so few times.
Honestly,
You open up, you get hurt.
So, I keep our family struggles to the professionals.
Unfortunately, my sister knows.
She accused me of Munchausen by proxy.
Damn. That hurt more than if she'd shot me.
I can't express how painful it is not to be able to lean on a sibling. Not to find someone who is on your side when you're faced with life's challenges.
Of course, I should have expected something like that.
She says that I'm the reason why our Dad was an alcoholic. "If it hadn't been for you, we would have been a happy family." I was the reason why our mom struggled with her weight. I'm the reason why my brother doesn't come to see our mom.
Me.
If you have a sick kid, you already feel as if it's your fault. Perhaps, I broke her brain? Maybe, I pushed her too hard in math 6th grade year? Maybe, it's because I was pregnant during September 11th...on and on and on.
But to have a sister, who claims to love me and my child, essentially accuse my daughter of faking and me enjoying her pain is, pardon my French, f*cking demented.
She has two healthy, thriving kids. She could never understand how awful it is to have a kid who is not healthy and thriving.
So, I went No Contact.
If she isn't by my side in life, I don't want her anywhere near me. Not in back of me, stabbing me. Nor in front of me, punching me where it hurts.
What makes someone so cruel?
I guess I should just remember how spoiled-rotten and entitled my parents made her. Then, I'll have my answer.
I believe my husband is a narcissist. It’s very difficult to have any healthy conversation as he baits me, puts me down, uses vulnerability such as my family relationships against me. I try to put boundaries down, but he invades them, texts me 100s of times with put downs of things that I did or didn’t do in the past. He can’t be talked to when he’s in a rage, to be honest, it’s very scary.
If someone behaves with all of these traits; negativity, anger, controlling, invalidation, blaming, projection, and superiority towards their partner, but doesn’t act confidently themselves (#1 motivation in life is to avoid embarrassment, doesn’t find themselves pretty) are they a covert narcissist? Are they something else? Are they rightly disappointed?!
Self absorbed folks dont respect boundaries the world revolves around their needs dont waste your time.
Me setting the boundary with my husband didn't cause me to lose any intimacy, because there was none there to begin with.
I would like to know what you think about EMDR. I did it for a year but I don't know if it doesn't work or it doesn't work on me.
Thank you
So many of the therapists on you tube talk about winning against a narcissist or outsmarting them or beating them at their own game. I hate these videos! This doesn’t help someone in a long-term married w/kids situation. I just want to survive this the best I can and help my daughter not become a narcissist and be able to spot and avoid narcissists
bad character can destroy ur good character Proverbs really explains these people u must walk away at 83 she remains the same but pretends she is the best follower of God the only Bride this is deceptive no humility Pride and arrogance it is just deception they believe the lie their lie sad but if they will not listen to God they sure will not listen to u move on and be the best u can be great vid
What about when people accuse you of being a narcissist to AVOID communicating with you. Like, "I can't talk to you because you're just going to XYZ," but that's not true.
I like things done a certain way, my way,,,When you ask me to do something, it make me not want to do it,,,I don't compromise,,,I like to remember things the way I remember them, not necessarily how they happened,,, I like to push the boundaries - these are some of the things I hear. Are these examples of something a Covert Narcissist would say?
@ingridwieneriw , Well , those statements do seem kind of familiar. Narcissists can be very tricky . I wish I could stop being upset by my Mom's invalidating comments.
Jim how can I cohabit with a malignant narcissistic husband?
Get away
When someone demands that I explain, pushes me to react or engage, or asks me to defend myself when I’m detaching myself not to react….sometimes they know what buttons to push. What is the best tool I can use?
This sounds physically unsustainable for a close or romantic relationship. Like truly this sounds so exhausting and not a life at all.
Luckily I never STAYED with anyone who mistreated me!! Because I do not actually have boundary problems!
Probably why someone who is toxic is robbing my house. That and outing people on social media platforms who are participating in hate campaigns.
My stalker broke the radiant heating in my floor that cost me thousands to install and obviously I count on this to keep warm- overall I am deeply concerned about a hate group of any kind which this is. I don’t have to stay in relationships where I’m being abused .
Fet away from these people
Move to a different continent?
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