I solved most of this stuff by depersonalizing and dissociating. Which is to say that I don't handle it very well at all, but getting an appropriate diagnosis and support is far harder than it should be just because of how internalized it is. And one of the "great" things about not having top down perception sometimes is that things seem to make sense at the moment, but then are completely confusing a few minutes later when it starts to process.
Of all the ones you mentioned, only my solution to where the car is parked comes to mind. Either it's parked as far away from the access door as possible (and, therefore, usually in plain view) or I have paid attention to and stored away such things as "the more left row from the H when facing the building." Also, since diagnosis, I have gone back to spending oodles of time by myself---even though I'm married. There are rules for how to approach me when I'm off doing something by myself and he's learned them---for the most part. Oh, yes, and I'm funny. People often are spitting their guts with laughter as I go on. I had always thought that it was what I call The Jester Syndrome. That is, the jester was usually incredibly observant and the matter-of-fact presentation of the true situation is so ridiculous that we laugh, but also realise how cuttingly true it is. And, we remember what was presented because it made us laugh. At least, that's how it looks to me. I noticed it first when I bought a really crappy umbrella in Calgary and was telling the person who was with me---and watching the crappy umbrella, too---"Look! Who'd have expected it to be that totally crappy" or some such. She split a gut throughout the story that she was a part of by standing and watching me fight the crappy umbrella. I wasn't trying to be funny. I was exasperated by the cruelty of the crappy umbrella. Missing the first part of the first sentence! Wow, it's not just me! Thanks for that one. :-)
Honestly, I just think that people talk for the talking. The same way I look at pictures just for that or my sister goes hiking just for the sake of being hiking. I don't really have a different explanation, but then again, I am often times so overly talkative that people struggle to shut me up. And because i have so many different interests and so much knowledge, i usually find a topic with almost anyone. Which makes it even Mor euncomfortable if i dont' find something to talk about with someone.
And it's even more frustrating when they just do it in the middle of a grocery store aisle or something. Go outside or something. Stop annoying everyone else.
I always felt like an asshole for not wanting to hear people’s stories. It has been a real struggle with my father. He is getting older and doing that thing where he repeats stories which sets my brain on fire.
I'm an Australian postman.. And that's what it's like in my office.. Everyone talk and laughs about things that seem so puerile - or totally unimportant... Even the manager comes out and does a group meeting then most of what he says sounds like guff... It's as if he gets paid to waste our time.. I'd rather be working than listening to useless conversations...
I laughed out loud at this one, because it was so true. (Especially as a woman, never mind an autistic woman. There are so many things people expect you to care about, simply because you're a woman, and I'm like... "Uh, no.")
it's a dreadful feeling, most people can see you are faking it but won't say it to you. I just go with "it is what it is" instead don't pretend to care because most won't for you.
The weird thing is that you really do care about that person if you are trying to show interest in what they're saying. With people I don't care about, I don't really care about pretending to care. I would like to actually show attention to the people that I care about though. It's difficult stuff.
@@gummywormjim can I ask about family members as I’m with my stepson who is a high functioning autistic but has all these characteristics. I just try not to react anymore but trying to teach him when we are no longer here makes me concerned. Thanks
Right? For a little while there there was a trend to have short videos about ADHD where the point of the video was text on the screen, but there would also be music with competing lyrics (or a semi-related audio clip from a movie/TV show) and a video of someone dancing with a cyclorama color overlay. Made me seriously doubt that the makers were ND.
I’ve forced myself to conform, to make eye contact, make small talk, etc that now everyone thinks I’m a popular, social person. I’m so exhausted and in physical pain.
Same. But that may be attributed to the way females are raised and all that societal expectations stuff. How we're SUPPOSED to behave. Nobody understands how hard it is to appear normal or how fucking exhausting it is.
@lauraalopez I distanced myself from those friends, now I have a small group of like 5 good friends vs 20. It sucks but it's better this way. And my true friends were the ones that asked me if I was OK, and when I told them about what I was going through they understood and don't bother me as much. My worse fear was people thinking I didn't care because I didn't tall to them every day. But now they know we're always friends even if I'm not around. Besides, as cynical as it sounds I realized they have other friends to fill that social roll and don't need me for that. I interact with someone personally about once every couple weeks. I'm not saying drop all your friends, but dropping a few helped my mental health so far.
I do the bit where I look at people's forehead or nose rather than their eyes. And I don't even do that often. I don't typically like looking at people at all when I talk to them, so I'll look near them but not at them.
I came to realize that was killing me. Masking set expectations (from others and for myself) that I could not maintain. That led to shame, depression, anxiety, and a total breakdown.
a few years ago I made a decision: I won't have a social life anymore. Period. And I am doing so much better now.... Today I just need masking at my workplace... and NO, I will not have dinner with the guys, I eat my own food from home...
Something my psych professor told us last time, it was "People rejoice in the good actions of a community or a self-start act; then there are people who rejoice in degrading and humiliating others in community or alone. It's much like a rush from a drug. Their dopamine is highest when they make others suffer. It's so addicting that they don't know right from wrong. There are other inmates who years later realize their errors and find better ways to use, to cope with that rush. And they wish to help the police to find their victims and ask for forgiveness or the cadaver. Others don't go through the realization of 'Aha!'. And yet, these people live amongst us masking their horrible dopamine rush. " This hit us right in the gut. This is terrifying. Sociopaths who also mask as normal.
In my family, the only accepted emotions were anger and contempt. Bullying was part of everyday life. I was an adult before I got far enough away from that culture to learn better behaviours.
As an actor, it’s wild to see how a lifetime of observation and pretend due to my autism gave me all my acting skills from being a high masker - downside: figuring out who I am under it all ♥️ thank you!
This is super interesting as ive had a theory that all this masking makes a great actor and then find out that so many people in the arts are neuro diverse
Yes! Henry, I had this realization myself this year. I'm an INCREDIBLE mimic and can camelion myself into any role... but... who am I? I am only JUST beginning to figure that out at 43.
I was a great actor as a young person. Won a scholarship. I never pursued it because I was fat and had crooked teeth and RSD. Couldn’t do it. (But now that I lost weight, got the teeth straightened and retired …). My son is also autistic (he’s how I know I’m autistic). He’s a good actor. I knew it when he was two and we had to act out Cinderella. Soooo… I was wondering whether I’m a good actor because I mask or I’m good at masking because I’m a good actor.
I'm not an actor (well, not in title anyways) but yeah, I feel like I've always played pretend better than the average bear. Figuring out which parts of the various personas I've picked up to define an acceptable visage to the rest of society are actually really parts of me is so goddamn exhausting
@@gaylynyoung6387yes. Actually, both. Being autistic creates a need for you to act. The need makes you develop the skill. And since it's probably hereditary, your ancestors who thrived were probably good actors, as well. Who says you can't inherit acting ability? Or musical gifts, another trait that's highly correlative in the autism community.
Me too! I'm fine with not talking all day, even at work. I like talking, too, sometimes, but only in the right conditions and circumstances. I hate it when people ask me, "Why are you so quiet?" Um, because I don't know you, lol. If you want to talk, why don't you start a conversation, then? Asking me why I'm quiet is NOT an appropriate conversation starter, however.
Same here. Since I was a kid, in the first nine years, I was non-verbal, and they had me examined by dozens of doctors. I didn't budge up or peep. I finally became verbal and learned the sounds and pronunciation of things, suddenly I heard people saying things in front of me and behind my back "Why doesn't she shut up for a moment, or a day?" Looking back, it makes no sense. You don't talk. You must be broken or shy. You speak too much, you are broken, or you are a parrot. 😂 I don't speak much to strangers or family members. If they wanna start a conversation. Sure, I'll follow as long as the conversation is interesting. Lol!
I hate haircuts so much. The smells, small talk, and getting a haircut I don’t like. I learned how to cut and colour hair like a professional, got a tri-fold mirror and some professional shears, and now I don’t have to endure the nightmare any longer. Necessity begets learning.
Wow same, I didn't realise how bad it was until I went recently for the first time in a while, and noticed how desperate I was for it to be over. Might have to teach myself too
Diagnosed about 6 weeks ago, at 64 years old, it's like having your whole life explained, unfolded, unlocked... I was misdiagnosed by professionals many years ago with 'situational depression', and 'everybody's on the spectrum somewhere', which led to my discounting my struggles and myself as 'just weird'. My personal, family, school and career struggles have been many, I know now why I'm alone, but something that really bothers me is not knowing how things would have turned out, or how far I could have gone if I'd known, and others knew, and helped and supported me instead of antagonizing, ignoring, or bullying. Maybe if there was instruction or counseling when I was young I wouldn't have been blindsided by some tragic events, and leveraged my autistic talents better too. Right now, it feels like I'm finally finding out who I am.
I’m about to be 40 and figured mine out around 4 or 5 years ago. I have a similar experience. When I figured it out it’s like my whole life all of a sudden made sense.
I am 57 and self-declared about 3 years ago. One of the hardest things for me has been to let go of self recriminations over my "failures." Things like my lousy relationship with my mom and the career and education I never had. But I finally feel as though I am beginning to understand that these "failures" have been a joint venture. Now, instead of trying to learn about me, I am learning the stuff about nom-autistics I didn't know. Like I am a direct communicator, but most non-autistics are indirect communicators. Also of help, being "older" gives us permission to seem cranky. When someone says, "Why would you say(do) that?"You cn respond with 'why wouldn't you say(do) that?!"
In fairness to yourself (and me; I'm 65) when you were in school, autism was considered VERY rare. And then it was "only boys." It hasn't been very long ago that high masking autism was recognized as autism at all. I think there's a reason for us. I think we're the door openers for all the little girls (and others) who won't be left behind or sit in a corner watching the other kids play because they haven't figured out how to join in.... And we're old enough now to insist on what we need. And what _they_ need. To build muscle, you have to break it, because it's the repair that makes it stronger. We must be some kind of bionic by now, don't you think?
I was a massage therapist for 7 years. Because people were face down, I didn't have to make eye contact and they couldn't observe my body language. They gave me the benefit of the doubt when something I said was misconstrued. People didn't treat me with contempt or disdain. For the first time, I felt like a real person. For a while, I loved it. Then it hit me. My whole life people have treated me as some kind of alien just because of my body language and facial expressions. Pisses me off. Why can't they give us the benefit of the doubt even when they're looking at us? Why do we have to work so hard just to be treated with a modicum of dignity?
I hear you, fellow neurodivergent person! Rather than get angry and resent them for not understanding, try to see things from their point of view. After all, you’re smart, and you didn’t understand it at first!
@@LivingroomTV-me9oz There's a difference between intelligence and empathy. Empathy is giving someone a chance, even if you don't understand them at first. The narrative is that we're the ones lacking empathy, but that's obviously wrong. Get an entire civilization to belittle and deconstruct a group of people that have been alienated since birth, because you can't stand some 'je ne sais quoi' about how they present themselves - who's lacking empathy there?
@@G8tr1522 Exactly, when I was in school I was always with the other strange kids, and it was ok. I never had the need to become friend of the "normal" kids, although with some normal people it was working good, but I never tried very hard. If somebody don't like me, no problem, the world is full of people, I just move on. So I end up with 3 friends who I can contact from time to time to see how they are doing, and they are ok with this. That's enough social contact for me.
@G8ter1522 I think there’s a balance to be struck with validation. Yes, being comfortable with who you are, rather than depending on outside affirmation is a good thing. But it’s gradually sinking into me that yes, excessive need for external validation and fragile self image tend to flow from not having received enough emotional support. Humans actually need that external support, and this need has been recognized in psychology circles for a long time. Those who haven’t received it are the ones that have the hardest time dealing with invalidation. I think it’s important to recognize this when making the type of statement you have. Absent that, it can lead people with validation issues further into feelings of moral failure: why am I concerned about what others think? Why can’t I recognize my own self worth implicitly? It helps to recognize that the people who are grounded in this area probably did not do it on their own; they likely had emotional support from people close to them, and this may be why they don’t struggle with self worth in the way that a person who never had that support does.
i just wanna say that i really appreciate that you went to the trouble of shooting your own b roll. i find stock footage incredible distracting and irrelevant most of the time. i often miss the point entirely because i’m wondering why i’m looking at some random kid eating ice cream or whatnot. thank you. the extra effort is noted.
I think this is a point not a lot of people would bring up. I also thought it was a nice touch, but didn't think about the effort that went into it enough. Yeah it was pretty cool.
My problem is that I am so high masking as a female that now I am not sure what is masking and what isn’t. Having introception issues does not help matters. I also don’t feel like my spouse gets any of it or me. So crazy as I was originally watching all of these videos, because my counselor thought that he might possibly be on the spectrum. He still might be, he’s old and doesn’t really care. Whereas my world has been rocked. It explains so much. Everything. But now it’s feeling like an existential midlife crisis. Sigh. Thank you for the video!
I also have masking as so integral part of me that I don't know how I would be without masking. It also explains why I struggle answering any questionnaires about myself. Often I have no clue. I guess part of it is also autism and ADHD having kind of contradicting traits. Like doing small decisions often is much harder for me (autism) than doing big decisions (ADHD kind of overrides my autism there I guess). Choosing an appliance can be a more overwhelming decision for me than deciding to move abroad. For real. By a huge margin.
@@fintux "Choosing an appliance can be a more overwhelming decision for me than deciding to move abroad." Same for me. The latter might sometimes be decided in one second (like: Yeah, a new adventure is coming up! Sure I'm in!), whereas for the one a looot of data needs to be collected before a choice can be made. 😅 Edit: But honestly? I like both parts of me. Collecting data is a fun way to spend your time with either. 😊
I resonate with you in regards to my partner not understanding any of it or me. I've been there for the past 6 months and I am patiently waiting for the understanding and acceptance to come along. I think an issue for my partner is that she has a friend who has 2 ASD-2 Children, and she can't accept a level 1 diagnosis because it doesn't show as these grown up children.
@@fintux funny about the appliance comment. I resonate strongly with this. I've actually moved abroad and it took a lot less effort than it did to make choices on things to purchase - so much data mining required.
@@InterDivergent I've moved abroad not just once, but twice. I made both decisions pretty quickly, basically in a matter of minutes. For a vacuum cleaner, I made a spreadsheet, read test reports, called manufacturers, visited several shops. It was a long project. I've not regretted any of those decisions, but yeah looking back it does seem a bit odd. (Of course I did not actually move abroad just like that, it required paperwork, planning etc., but I did not question the decision - though I guess also my opportunities were such that I didn't also need to think about which country or city to move in).
It’s been 2 years, I was diagnosed at 45. It’s been a revolution in my life, and changed how I make all my choices. I can now meet some of my own needs, and know why to avoid losing battles. Its incredible. I just wish I hadn’t lost my friends and even my found family. Being alone is hard. But I don’t let people be mean to me anymore.
Yeah, I haven't "lost" my friends exactly, but my abilities changed and I'm in the process of gradually redesigning a lot of things about my life to suit my current limitations. They're out there, but there is no longer a playing field in which we can meet (mostly because the ones they're on no longer suit me). It's a lot to figure out, and since I definitely miss having more connection, it's important to me. So I'm taking the time to do it slowly.
@Judymontel apologies for projecting my experience onto yours 😊 Although similar in some ways. I've got better at asking for my needs to be met. Meeting one person at a time, location preferences and asking to leave if sensory overloaded. It's been hard letting go of acquaintances but I'm glad I'm only focusing on people I class as friends. I'm lucky I work in a big workplace so generally get my social needs met through the day to day fleeting interactions. Those are my favourite because their scripted
I have lost a lot of friends in life, for god knows what reason. But at a certain point I also cleaned house, getting rid of friends who were abusive and who bullied me. I seemed to collect such people, and they were among my best friends. I don't claim to be guiltless in these relationships; I guess I'm really irritating on some level, but I can't have such people in my life, regardless of where the blame lies.
I am just coming up on my 69th birthday and I just got that I am on the spectrum this year. what a realization! 45= YEARS OF DEPRESSION explained in a single epiphany.. moved out to the country and don't see anyone or interact and poof, depression gone. you have nailed my life of "masking". didn't even know I was doing it. thanks
Glad you figured out what you need and found a way to get it - I’m still learning but getting there. What you found (the quiet life in the country) is what I feel myself gravitating towards more and more now. Thanks for sharing this! Also, early happy birthday! 🙌
I grew up with ADHD being "bad parenting" and autism being "failure to thrive", but now as I read these comments I realize just how many autistic traits my dad has, which makes my and my sisters' struggles make SO MUCH more sense.
Me too! I'm late diagnosed woman, at age 50, and yes, in a single take, I wasn't depressed constantly anymore. They tried putting all kinds of labels that just didn't fit. My son is autistic, and my dad/that side of family is autistic, and I'm the only child...but because I'm a woman, I was automatically passed over, even though some immediate family are autistic. It's simultaneously liberating, yet makes me angry that I was ignored ALL this time. And some STILL question because I'm so high masking...but in recent weeks, I've been letting it fall, and it's been great!! Good luck and Cheers to your birthday🥂💃
@@acelibrarian autism => failure to thrive. Exactly what happened with my son. My ex-wife and I were young, and the doctors just blamed us for his 'failure to thrive'. He was born to an alcholic mother, and his earliest diagnosis (at 5 years old) was FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome). He has the physical signs, but that wasn't all. We gave him up as a Ward of the Court eventually, due to our frustrations and my inability to cope. Later on, he was diagnosed bi-polar (my twin brother, his uncle, was also) and autistic (Aspergers). I was diagnosed as Aspergers (simply 'on the spectrum' now) shortly after re-aquainting with him when he turned 18. My diagnosis was unrelated, but when I was told he was Aspergers, it confirmed my own 'self-diagnosis'. My employer paid for my assessment due to issues at work when I claimed a disability. My own father still will not accept my professional diagnosis, and not at all interested in accepting my 'behaviour', insists that it's something I must control.
@billdevany3303 I love your post. I too moved out to the country. Desensitized one animal at a time. Now have great Pyrenees, cat, AND some chickens!! Woo-hoo!!!
"It's always about people. It's so boring and stupid. " I strongly relate to every point made in the video, but that one hit me HARD! Good job, author.
It would have been so nice to know these things when I was a kid. Back then it really bothered me that I was different from my peers. Now I am 59 and I have embraced being different and it’s what makes me special and unique. However, knowing others have these same issues has been incredibly helpful and affirming. It’s also helped me help my autistic son, who is a teen.
My third tutor taught me years ago. If someone is talking to you but they are going too fast, nod in agreement and smile, and repeat the last sentence they have said. This has helped in some situations, in others....... well, I'm being asked. Why are you smiling? This is the worst day ever!" Ooops! 😅 If people speak slower, then yes. I can follow along a conversation without nodding. 🗣
Oh man, that bit about burnout and toning it down - problem was, trying to do and keep jobs which paid the bills and bought the groceries burned me out for good over a decade ago.
Yep, I've struggled with keeping jobs my entire life. I was diagnosed with Asperger's at age 28, but that didn't make things better (I'm 42 now). I've had 43 jobs at 31 companies in a span of 26 years (which including many years without working at all). I'm currently unemployed. Every job I've ever had has been horrible and low paying, even though I have a Bachelor's degree (in geography from 2005). I only survive by getting government assistance and loans from family members. I can't handle living with other people, so I don't have anyone to share bills or chores with. I also have no friends. I like I might also have ADHD because I have trouble focusing on tasks and am always wanting to do something else. I have massive amounts of free time but struggle to make myself do anything useful with it. I had (and still have, I hope) a lot of potential, having accomplished some impressive things when I was young, despite my disadvantages. I hope things get better soon, but my life is unpredictable.
@@LSD-420 Yes, I've been obsessed with maps since I was a toddler! Land surveyor doesn't sound like an easy job to get and the skills involved have very little to do with what I know about maps. If I was ever going to consider being a land surveyor, I should have done it 20 years ago. It's too late for that now.
This is my life! Especially the thoughts you held up on the cards. I didn't even realize that I struggle with proper conversation, but since Self-Diagnosing, many of my friends and family have expressed their relief that I now realize that I more monologue than Converse. I never even noticed I do that. Like all the time.
Even this I compensate with masking. I figured out very early that I do this so what I'll do as a compromise between me wanting to talk about a certain topic and other people's need to have a flowy conversation is going on my little rant and then building a bridge for them to connect to it by asking "do you feel similarly about this topic?" or "you told me something similar a while ago". We want to be heard and they want to be seen. Both can be possible at the same time.
Thank you! I relate to everything you said. Especially: Being frustrated for being frustrated with myself for being so easily frustrated. YES! Sensory overload to many things but especially sounds. Car alarms. Chainsaws. Bouncing balls. Buzzing insects. Dripping faucet. Instant fight or flight reaction. Huge startle response. Meltdowns (raging or crying). Can't (or no interest in) following conversations. Being flooded with thoughts Interrupting or holding it in (when I can) Small talk. And definitely, "Will you PLEASE get to the point!" Uncomfortable around most people. More than two at a time is usually overwhelming. I become anxious and either shutdown or leave. High expectations of myself and others. Not understanding why everyone isn't this way. Toss in an unhealthy dose of perfectionist procrastination, avoidance, or paralysis. Still learning how to manage and navigate this world. So grateful for your channel. 🙋♀️💖
I had to check the name on this comment. I was like: did I write a comment already and forget? Hard agree with everything. I'll add that glaring lights are literal violence. Design engineers, please try to figure out how to fully illuminate a room without pushing needles into my eyes and trigging migraines! K thx bye
I'm a piano tuner, and was listening to a video with Emmanuel Pahud playing flute. He is an amazing flautist, but he would sometimes hit high notes that actually hurt my ears. I wondered whether he knew how bad those notes sounded, but quickly realized that most people don't even hear the overtones that I am hearing.
I have finally gotten old enough that I can tell people "hey, I'm old. I have an old processor. You need to start at the beginning. The point before I realized you were talking to me" amazingly enough it works, even better then saying "what!". My daught sometimes will wait until I put whatever I'm doing down before she starts the actual conversation. Most of time time I have no idea what everyone is talking about, especially in a group. When I do get in a coversation with someone I've notice most people won't let me finish my sentence. I know I don't ramble because I find myself paussing often when talking to my therapist, waiting for her thoughts on whatever I'm talking with her about. I have people staying at my home right now and I have found I'm having more meltdowns. They keep trying to reorganize my home. I can't find anything and it sends me into a tailspin. Then they get mad because I put everything back were it was. I can make eye contact when I first start to talk to people but after that first initial contact I will look away, otherwise I can't pay attention to what is being said, or think about how I should respond. Trying to make eye contact while talking is too distracting. I also don't like music playing while driving, don't like loud parties, and don't like large crowds. I got to see my grandson tonight. I haven't seen him in a really long time. He is low functioning autistic. After hanging out with him for a little while I asked him if it was ok to have a hug. He gave me a really big smile and actually said 'sure'. He walked over to me and gave me a really big hug. Then a little bit later he walked over to me and held my hand. There was some music playing in the background and I noticed his lips were moving to the song. I rocked our hand a little to the music. He seemed to like that so I asked him if he would like to dance. He started pulling me out of my chair. I talked him through our dance moves. After a while I told him I needed to sit back down. He's sister came over and said he had never done that with anyone before. I'm thinking no one ever asked his permission before. Oh, my grandson is 7yo. I would also pause between calling his name and then talking to him. He is considered none verbal but if you ask him something requiring really short answers and give him time to answer he will answer just fine.
I really like the metaphor of riding the wave. I really appreciate the few people I know who are willing to "sit back and watch me ride the wave like a badass."
The problem is all the dogs and dog lovers that want to break your surfing flow by pointing out the cute dog or cat in the street. But also yeah… that surf is usually louder than what the person is saying.
I am 64 this year and just diagnosed a couple of days ago with high functioning autism and that l mask it very well. I feel so peaceful about it yet tinged with a little sadness because it took so long. Now I can understand everything a lot easier and I can be kinder to me. Some may not believe me when they find out and that is okay as it is a sign they can’t understand. Finding this channel is very helpful and it feels like a safe and understanding place.
@@stevendaleschmitt For once I don’t have any questions about feeling great. It doesn’t feel abnormal and everything now seems to just click into place. One other thing I now realise is that when you are with others who have autism you no longer feel odd or on the outside looking in. Hoping the best in your discovery of a new perspective in life.
The frustration snowball hits me so hard now that I know why I get frustrated so easily… It’s like I went from putting a fire out by letting it burn, to throwing gas on it because I forget in the moment that gas is flammable
Yup yup yup ! Am an ASPIE ! Learned and learning to manage my ''ASPIE SYMPTOMS'' ! Got 3 main obsessive interests ! Love ya fellow ASPIE ! ASPIES of the WORLD UNITE !
I was self-checking out at the grocery store, and the guy next to me was having a loud phone conversation, and it broke my concentration while trying to pay, and suddenly all the noise and light in the store hit me all at once and I just stood there staring at the checkout screen in a daze until the guy left. I felt bad for holding up the line but reminded myself that this was a sensory overwhelm and to take it easy and not get ashamed over it. I’ve been learning how to unmask, and part of that is recognizing that sensory overload is a frequent occurrence when I am doing everyday things. Before, I would feel it but not realize that it wasn’t something everyone was dealing with to that level of intensity and somehow handling better, and I can cut myself a break.
Thank you so much for these videos. My husband and I have been married for 23yrs and we always communicated differently. He is, well, different. Blunt, so so smart, but adorably clueless in a lot of things. I just assumed it was how he was. But it created alot of misunderstandings and frustrating conversations for both of us. Then we started watching 'The Big Bang Theory' and at one point we looked at each other and almost together we were like 'You're a Sheldon!'. I know it's just a show but it was our 1st experience seeing someone very similar to him that he could relate too. Because the people on TV were never like him. Then hubby made friends with an older gentleman who we later found out was on the high end of the spectrum. We were both SO glad he was open about his diagnosis and encouraged us to do research. We didn't know anything about this type of autism. These type of videos are so helpful!!! Not just for him, but for me. To know he NEEDS a break from talking (I'm a big talker), he doesn't look at me not because he's not paying attention, and we just see the world differently. But in a lot of ways that's a bonus because we learn so much from each other! Please keep making content like this! It's so helpful!
6:49 OMG THAT MOSQUITOE IS HUGE! Tell me other people noticed it? Loved this video! My adult son was recently diagnosed and I showed him this. So many things here he can relate to. Thank you for letting him know he's not alone!
That’s amazing to hear! We love hearing that our content helps others better understand themselves and their loved ones - that’s awesome how you and your son are learning more together. I have a lot more coming soon about my experience as a late diagnosed adult, and it’s been a long process (and ongoing) to relearn so much about myself. Your son is lucky to have someone as supportive as you! And he’s definitely not alone in this journey 😊 And PS the mosquito 😂😂😂
The missing the first part of the first sentence thing is so real. It's like brain is in a mode that doesn't allow conversation, so when someone starts talking, it feels like i have to do a quick reset to load the conversion module. By that point they've already gotten halfway through what they wanted to say 😅
I LOVE this video. Thank you! I struggle with those same thoughts. Thank you for your vulnerability. I feel so much better knowing I'm not the only one who has some thoughts that feel irrational. This is so helpful. Thank you for finding the words I struggle to find. ❤
I'm waiting for an autism assessment, at age 51. I'm trying to unmask at home, your video's are really helpful. I've found that I really like to say the word 'tiny' in a tiny voice, probably in most situations over and over again 😂
I don't know it this is the same, but when I'm driving or riding the motorbike.. If I run over a lump or bump I say "bink" out loud.. I do it all the time.. When I cross railway tracks it gets stretched out to "binkety bink" I've been doing it for years...
Sometimes you will either get a wrong assessment or none at all. My sister done 4 years of college, in psychology. I was suspected and diagnosed as NOT having it age 17. Age 42, my sister nervously tells me what she thinks. And while it's not full blown, that exactly WHY I was diagnosed as not having autism. But traits are definitely there, just don't affect me quite as badly as most autistics I hear about. And in some things I've trained myself extremely well.
34 yo and go my diagnose almost a years ago. It is definitely a journey to get to a point where I'm not ashamed of regulating myself with others, I have been able to stim more with my co-workers present or give myself a moment of silence to try to understand after someone said something to me and sometimes even ask to repeat or explain without being afraid of judgement. Working from home more after my diagnose have been a life saver ❤.
I can only unmask fully when I know no one is around. That's basically never. Even being in a secluded room: noises or sounds disturb the other autistics in the house. Yes. One day things will get better. Making the best of the situation I am in now... Thanks for your content. Really enjoy watching it and feel less alone in all of this.
Oh my word. You just made me realise I have that too. Missing the 1st part of the sentence. So now I know it's an autism thing. Thank you so much. Edit - diagnosed with autism at 54, diagnosed with fibromyalgia 2 years ago and self diagnosed with ADD last year.
Same! And only having the second part - that you already got - repeated back to you, come on… I now realise that this has probably happened countless times in my life
that one is soo huge for me!! i will specifically and clearly repeat the portion i heard back to them n ask “what came before (quotes all the rest of the sentence)?” and STILL they wont repeat the opening part i missed!!! i dont understand how i can make it any clearer! theyll just stare and say like, yeah, thats what i said, whats your answer? completely ignoring that i asked them to repeat the first part i didnt hear. this happens to me constantly and i dont know how to be any more crystal clear. I’ll spell it out in detail, “i heard (this part) but i didnt hear anything before that. what did you say in the beginning?” and ill just get blank stares. i cant answer the question if i dont know if you asked Where is (the thing), Do i like (the thing), Do we have any more of (the thing), maybe you said You hate (the thing), maybe you said Hand me (the thing). All we have established is you mentioned something about THE THING but i have no idea why you brought it up or what you want me to say about it! and ten minutes later no progress has been made because they’re just repeating, yeah! the thing! thats right! so whats the answer? ARRRRGHHGHHH this is why i wish people wouldn’t talk to me ever!!! it would be so nice to be invisible and go through my day in peace.
I've never bothered with eye contact since highschool. I tell people to tell me when something is a secret. One thing I think works really well is I find the gossips in a work environment, to get a sort of "intro to office drama" course. And that helps me know who to observe more and preps me for bad interactions. I never take the gossips word for things because of how emotions cloud what people think. But it's a good way to navigate confusing areas. The gossips love having an audience, they love when you ask questions "I'm not used to this dynamic bc I'm so introverted, how can you tell x person is mean?" And they can help you look for certain cues. I also, end up making friends with the sarcastic people a lot, they dont need me to be witty, they just neef me to tolerate their jokes. And the fact that I'm never sure if it's a joke or if this is a gap in their intelligence, so I never laugh just in case they'd feel stupid, is somehow ok with them . (I'm trying to change my world view to understand most sarcastic people will roll with it and make a joke about themselves if they had a stupid moment
I have quite a few autistic traits, but I am very fluent in sarcasm. That’s one reason I’m not convinced that I’m autistic myself. I can read people really well, I just choose not to engage a lot of the time. I know there are a lot of parallels with Autism and OCD. I’m more likely the latter.
oh my god, not knowing if I should laugh because I don't know if it's a joke or they're not aware of what they're saying is so hard...Every political discussion ever it's so hard to tell if people are being serious or not, cause people believe some wild things!
Life has been unbearable and insufferable for me. I lost all my family early in life and found myself alone in a very strange and hateful world. I don't have the extraordinary talents many Autistics are known for. I've been bullied all my life and in every situation to this very day. I cannot understand the lies that other people tell and the manipulation games. Loud noises, souped up cars and other machines send me into a meltdown. I look normal and attract the worst bc everyone thinks I'm a pushover. I've been called names even in public places for no reason because I get amazed with random things and zone in on whatever catches my interest. This is a very cruel world and always a set up and everything is a trap. Others are unfazed, but me, I'm always on the brink of insanity trying to appear 'normal'. I'm not so good at it still.
I don't know you but I feel like I understand. Loud music is bad, but TELEVISION is the worst. I have stood outside in storms rather than endure television in doctors' offices. In fact, I choose doctors and dentists and lawyers solely on the quietness of their waiting rooms.
You're not alone. It's hard to get by in the world when you're constantly persecuted. When I have a bad day, it's BAD, but I'm learning to navigate that. On the other hand, sometimes I think, 'these people are all trapped on a giant hamster wheel' and at least I'm not on it with them!
I relate a lot to your comment. I wish all of us could have our own The Shire or just a calm nd friendly place. Away and without this normalized apathy/cruelty, without hidden rules and agendas, without meaningless noise... just tranquility and truth...😢
I have recently been diagnosed with ASD and I also have ADHD, you are describing my life perfectly. I have spent my life either thinking I am broken or not understanding why others don’t see the world as I do. Thank you so much for your video.😊
high masking self and late diagnosed person here. My daughter has a diagnosis and I'm debating on seeking one. One of my problems is I don't understand what/why stuff happens and can't figure out the answer and didn't get a satisfactory answer when I asked. Like it's stuff I should just know. But I don't. Since my husband passed I'm way more stuck, I didn't even realize he was doing that interpretation between the real world and me.
My husband passed away five years ago. I had no idea how dependant I was on him. I'm only just beginning to be able to navigate the world again, but in a much more restricted way than I did when he was around. Even going to the shops on my own is hard, and socialising with anyone other than close family seems impossible. Diagnosed recently aged 64 - it's mind blowing that I've gone through most of my life without knowing.
@@skeovkp48598 Mine passed about 8 months ago. It's been hard. We had a contentious relationship, but we were together for 34 years. It is crazy that we didn't know we are on the spectrum, but then I always remember: when my daughter was diagnosed, it was cause I kept telling the people who were diagnosing her they were wrong until they said it's autism, I went to the library and verified. They said girls don't get autism. I figured maybe she's a tomboy like me. Nah, turns out my mom was great at teaching me to mask, I sucked at it with teaching my daughter.
I feel you both. I also lost my husband six years ago to cancer. I was very much a bullied outsider before I started dating him at 15, but when we were together I was more accepted by our peers. I didn't figure out that I'm very likely neurodivergent until after I had lost him. Now I'm back to being super awkward and spending most of my time alone. I didn't realize just how much I relied on him for our social relationships. Also, I ended up going through an early midlife crisis because I've been trying to figure out who I am without him and without the masking that I didn't realize I was doing. It's definitely been a journey.
@@Brynnthebookworm /virtual hugs It's tough, it hasn't even been a year for me and every day can vary so much. Fight with disability to get my kid her benefits, I so wished he was here so he could help...
@@nannywhumpers5702 Thanks! /returned virtual hugs Man, those first 2-3 years were tough. I would burst into tears at the slightest thing. The only thing that kept me going in the first year was focusing on remodeling/ spiffing up our house so I could sell it and move to a cheaper city. And I didn't have any kids to contend with, so you have an extra layer of hard mode.
I just got diagnosed (29F). I thought i was a lot less resilient than everyone else, getting overwhelmed easily and not understanding how people could be so casually cruel when im so openly trying to understand... I think people get overwhelmed with me because i get too excited to talk about stuff? Especially if its my interests. But i could never keep up with the conversation, couldnt hear everything, couldnt find the right place to through my ideas out without seeming too blunt and rude and ahh... i knew i was living on hard mode. I cant believe i got a degree while raw dawging my autism like this 😂
IvyHale 😂😂😂 raw dawging!! I'm nearly 60 & look back at the busy, overfilled & stressful life I somehow raw dawged, with wonder. Many NTs couldn't have done it! Would I have been kinder to & more understanding of myself if I'd been diagnosed back then 🤔🤷♂️
Oh boy that 'wave of awesomeness' analogy is such a brilliant way of putting it; I'm going to use that to explain to 'normies' why conversations are tricky. Edit: I have AuDHD, my ADHD does also fire massive waves of comedy awesome-ness (mainly short sketches) that I struggle not to laugh at.
You’re not alone, I do that too! People look at me weird. But if they know me, they look forward to my explanations of it and we have a laugh together. It gets very awkward if I’m in a public place when it happens though.
Covid lockdown and then getting a fully remote job, then my son getting his diagnosis (he’s autistic and adhd) I slowly realized I was unmasking without realizing it. I just went on a trip to Sicily and the part where you say you startle easy is MY LIFE. I brought my earplugs with me and actually used them multiple times! This is the first time in public as a 34 year old woman. Life saver. I wear Loops for more inconspicuous help and noise cancelling headphones for listening to podcasts when I shop.
When you talked about missing the fiest part of a sentence I literally out loud yelled, "yes! Yes!" Because that happens to me ALL THE TIME, especially the part where people repeat the last thing they said (aka - the bit I already hear because my brain realized I was being spoken to and awoke from its slumber)
This is so very relateable. I'm only 6 months into discovering that I'm Autistic at 46yo. There is a lot of masking and it is very tiring. I realise that I have to continue masking in order to 'conform', else I am downright rude, and unlike you, I don't have humor on my side. I have become more rude recently. I now don't bother with trying to comply with small talk, I just ignore it. I'm only just coming out of Burnout. Looking back on life through a different lens was a major struggle. If I think about it too much, it is downright depressing. I'm now working on accepting myself for who I am and moving forward in more of a positive way, as apposed to all the negative diagnostic ways.
I believe sensory sensitivity for me it’s the unexpected change of my plans and lack of control. I can listen Hardcore music blasting in my ears without any issue but when somebody listen any kind of music it triggers me because I have no control over it. Same with the sunlight, I can’t switch it off so it triggers me and gives me headaches. People driving slow, I’m feeling trapped in my own vehicle, I get enraged, punching my car and start crying, sometimes I have to listen to Canon in D for an hour before calming. Also the heath or extreme cold, I can’t control it, the wind 😡 anything. The router stopped working, I once punched so hard to make it work I broke it and my landlord made me paying for it. Also my masking is more a survival game, I can be extremely cunning (that’s why sometimes I don’t think I’m on the spectrum) and I twist my words to avoid confrontations with my loved ones. I say something, they get angry, I change my words to reflect what they are saying. When I do or say something my mind think of any potential escalation, at the point of using logic to create an entire conversation that has just started and predict how thing could go if I keep talking about that topic, so I could change on the go if I perceive any difference… 🤯🤯
Lack of control is my #1 challenge too. It's why childhood was the worst, but now as an adult I've created my own "fortress of solitude"; a controlled environment with minimal triggers. Life is much better being able to retreat from uncomfortable situations (and allowing myself to do so), and having a home that always feels safe.
I am in a similar boat. I dont mind when other people listen to music, it is when they sing to the song. I am trying to listen shush! Sunlight and general lights are extremely triggering for me. Dont even get me started on flashing lights. It is cool to see someone else who is photosensitive too. Always hear about noise sensitivity. ❤
Look up PDA, Pathological (or Persistent) Demand Avoidance. Harry Thompson has a channel with some good info. He's had things to deal with recently, but he has older material that made me recognize myself. I don't really do rage or meltdowns, but Harry talks about them. If you're cunning and lack empathy, you could be sociopathic, but from your first paragraph, I think PDA/autism with significant SPD is likely.
Don't mind loss of control at all, and surprises are fine for me. But that last bit about conversation hit home. I can't have a conversation where the other people understand me immediately and I can't automatically adjust because they don't want to hear the truth. Ive learned to mask and cover with humor or just stop completely if the conversation is going off the rails. Like literally just cut off mid sentence and turn and leave.
I relate to so much of this. I wouldn’t say you’re not on the spectrum just because you can manipulate people and situations to deescalate conflict. As someone who lives with someone with anger issues and possibly is a narcissist too, I do the same thing all the time. It sounds way more like a trauma response than evidence against being autistic. It takes a very analytical interpersonal mind to know how people tick, and I actually think that level of masking around those kinds of people is a lot of work that I’m guessing neurotypical people either don’t have as hard of a time with, or don’t care to do because fawning to someone with a short fuse isn’t worth it to them because it doesn’t continue to wear on their own mental health when someone is mean or nasty to them.
To me, small talk never made much sense. I enjoy driving, and when I have company in my car, I don't mind silence. I really like to be into my thoughts and the road. However, I understand that for many people, silence can feel awkward, and to erase this feeling I usually unload a good amount of disconnected subjects into a conversation.
Until my early 20s, I didn't mind silence. But people told so many time me I was so awkward by being fine with silence, that I started to feel uncomfortable too with silence. So now, for 10 years or so, I try to do small talk. But I can't do small talk; no matter what, the conversation soesn't click, but I can't stop, I just can't, I have to try to fit. So I'm uncomfy with silence and totally stressed by small talk... I would like to enjoy silence again. 😢
@@grenade8572 I will use myself as an example. When I stopped thinking, "Oh, you need to say something!" and stopped forcing myself, I began to feel comfortable, and the conversations started to flow naturally. Pushing myself had been creating a negative feedback loop. Nowadays, the conversations might not even be connected to the subjects I initially bring up, but... at least my subconscious is accepting that I tried so that negative feeling is not an issue anymore.
For me, it's been a joy to enjoy both silence and sounds. After being paired with different coaches over the years for training on my "anger management" and "self hurt," my favorite part of all the training I've been through are sitting somewhere outside in silence on a blanket, only birds and water rushing about is nice. Being submerged in the pool or the river, pure silence, but you can hear your heart beating and ear temples. And then there's wintertime, indoors listening to music or podcasts, enjoying hot chocolate, semi silence, but good vibes going on. I have been through loud sounds over years of training, and my ears burn. I really can't. It's important to know how to live with sounds and silence, as long as it is pleasant to you, of course. ❤
@johnclapshoe8059 Even my phone is on silence most of the time. I barely look at it or glance at it unless it's an important call, of course. I wish more people enjoyed silence, which is very pleasant.
For the last 23 years I’ve thought everything about me was fundamentally wrong. It was drilled into me that I wasn’t autistic by my dad, so I grew up for years and years thinking I was just built from less quality material than everyone else. I recently looked over my medical notes from a 5250, diagnosed with autism off the get go. So that’s why he still kept me from getting a therapist I suppose, I was never told until now. These describe my experiences to a near T. The thoughts, masking. I’m not fundamentally flawed after all. I was just different the whole time. God.
You mentioned that taking to strangers stresses you out. For me this is actually really nice. I like to get to know new people, even more when the conversation goes deep quite fast. But what scares me is when someone gets to know me better because I think they might not like me with all of my facets (and struggles). But this might change with time the more I get to know my true self and the less I mask.
Hello Dande_lion, I love your user name! 😊 I have found ways to speak to strangers, too, and go into indept conversations, such as life, finances, politics, travel, or my own interests or other interesting topics. I guess it's easier because after that interaction, I won't see that person again. But they have left, or I have left a positive mark in their minds. People think I'm being funny, but I'm not really funny at all. I stutter and fumble up words. Or state something that's on my mind (and suddenly it's out of their minds, too). Lol! My safe words when I'm stressed out are Yelp, Howwie! and Yellop! (Hello!). My small circle of friends finds it funny every time. If you don't mind, what are your safe words?
@@hameley12 "I guess it's easier because after that interaction, I won't see that person again. But they have left, or I have left a positive mark in their minds." Exactly. Regarding safe words: I never thought of them outside the bedroom before. But might be worth developing some. But just as now, most people around me would not understand the need of that anyways.
@@dande_lion After my last kidnapping, my coach gave me two words to use in case I need to leave a short message or give over the phone. 😄 And years ago, a wacko shot at me, I ended up in the hospital and had no way of sending out an SOS message (prior to mobile phones) to my family or my coach. I was in the ER on my own for three days 'til they found me. Anyways, amongst friends to have a safe word whenever I am exhausted or overwhelmed (insert word), and they know I've had enough excitement and I'm going home. It has def helped in different situations.
@@hameley12 Oh, that sounds awful. Guess I am lucky I didn't experience something like that (so far). Will definitely think about safe words to use with friends and family. But the biggest to manage is making them understand why this is needed - and for me to realize that I indeed can leave if neccessary and have not to push through to satisfy others and appear normal.
@dande_lion My conversation with my small circle of friends took three sessions, with my family (bigger circle, the ones who still talk to me) it took four months. And passerbyers that's the largest circle, they don't know these words. It began with me explaining why I feel safer with them (friends), why I trust them, and what I love about them. Then, they shared their own safe words with us. But it def took three meetings for them to let down their guard. Some people will take longer. That's okay. In the third session, Michael told them why I would be needing some alone time after a party, a job, or social interactions. Amazingly, some of my own friends shared that they hated being around large crowds. It made me feel safer to know they do understand. So it really depends on the people you surround yourself with who will understand why these safe words exist, why they are in place, and them sharing their own with you. Hope this helps. Take care of yourself always.
So appreciate your covering this list. I’m an 83 year old neurotypical married to a 78 year old on the spectrum. Just last year he self diagnosed. That put 50 years of confusion into perspective, an entry into a world we had never understood. Thank you for the introspection it has taken to be able to convey your own struggles so that we who are just beginning the process can learn how we might navigate this new journey.
The only place for me to safely unmask or fully stim is at home. Depending on where I am out of my house, I can get away with either singing or reciting lines from something.
Dang. I miss the first part of what someone says to me, too. I had no idea that happens to other people. And, yes, it's very frustrating when they only repeat the later part. I keep reminding my wife to please say my name first, and wait for me to acknowledge, before continuing to talk to me; it's still hit or miss. Your "riding the wave" observation hits home, too. When I was younger, my brain would record what the other person was saying (very much like an old telephone answering machine), and I could "rewind" and play it back later (seconds, minutes, hours...). Alas, that has gotten harder as I've gotten older. "White lies" are a pet peeve of mine. The whole premise is absurd. But it also causes problems with me trying to learn social cues. Just when I think I've figured one out ("I think you're mad at me."), someone will tell me a white lie ("No, I'm not mad.") -- or at least I think they're lying. Then I second guess my "reading" of the social cue, don't trust myself, and just go quiet.
Honestly, all that subtext is difficult for foreigners to understand too. So, I just take people at their word. And often will tell them. I don't play guessing games, so if you have a problem with me, let me know, otherwise I'll assume everything is fine.
I'm proud of you on admitting your struggles, Chris. A lot of what you say really resonates with me as I also struggle with social anxiety even with people I'm familiar with.
This is really good as someone who is late diagnosed at 46 and high masking with AuADHD i really do struggle with some of these things, especially related to communication and in all honesty as I get older it gets worse because now I just dont see the point interacting with most people. It often feels like a fine line of balance between sanity and insanity.
Just posted a similar comment before I saw yours! Great video, but also a gigantic mosquito. I expected him to black out due to blood loss at some point 😮
YEAY! Great video!!! Opening packages feels like HELL to me. The fiddly stuff, the packaging, the mess, the having to sort the recycling, the needing to LEARN how to operate said item... why ARE things so hard to open?! "I get away with it because I'm funny." Story of my life, Chris. Although like you I'm not trying, I'm probably just making a genuine observation.... PS Loving the bloopers :-D xx
I know I order things then get overwhelmed by the aspect of putting them together, so they sit in boxes in my living room until I can convince one of my adult children to do it.
Did not even know that I could be autistic as an adult. Did not have diagnosis until over 60. Agree about how much energy it takes to mask and the small talk thing is such a difficulty. When other people walk up to a group talking the "circle" opens and they are allowed in. Not me. I end up walking away so much of the time.
@@JMA864 omg same, I always wonder why they don't want to invite me in, I'm super nice and friendly, I guess maybe because I'm a large man with a beard maybe I look intimidating? I always try to put on a smile when I'm in public, I've noticed people respond better when I feign the pleasantries like "how are you doing?" "lovely weather" and all that, especially a little smile helps make people more understanding.
Double down on that tsunami of ideas with the constant monolog that I have in my head because I ALSO have aphantasia (no ability to visualize in my mind). So instead of the visualize onslaught of ideas and tangents I have this monolog onslaught of ideas and random tangents all talking over the conversation I'm supposed to be listening to!!
Love the question boards at the end of the first segment. All questions I wrestle with every day. Meltdown? I wish. I'm never in a place where I can just let go of the control.
This is a really good way of communicating my issues with people in general. I still to this day can't pinpoint where people go wrong and I end up leaving the room.
Thanks Chris and Debby. This is the most helpful channel for navigating a "mixed marriage". I'm really looking forward to watching this video with my husband and unpacking some of the implications. I think the part where you give him permission to not take things personally is going to help the most. I can have social anxiety even anticipating him coming home if I'm in burnout mode, and that's very hurtful to him. But the need for full and complete solitude is real, and it's not about him, it's about any human. Even the cat asking for a treat can feel like too much social interaction some days. It is what it is. Pretending otherwise just adds to the burnout.
If someone’s talking to me during an announcement over the speakers, I fundamentally cannot listen to either. The words turn into noise. I also hate loud music. I understand how people can enjoy it, but the music is like a giant hand that reaches out and keymashes my emotion-board in my head Humor is my secret weapon too! I very often say things that I think are totally innocuous, but people interpret as salacious. It’s mortifying. Ive started doing that on purpose as a joke as a sort of defense mechanism. Like a “haha I got you, get your mind out of the gutter” kind of thing
Two insights have really made a difference for me lately. They are, 1) Matrixlessness, and 2) Private masking. Both help me to get a handle on sooo much of my life experience, both the outward kind and the inner, visceral kind. About the first.... I've come irresistibly to the conclusion that intrinsic to autism is the absence of a perceptive-cognitive matrix. The absence is relative, sometimes more, sometimes less (very possibly the degree of absence determines how "high-functioning" one is), but in all cases of autism there is some degree of matrix deficit. I could go on and on about what I mean by this, but here's one short illustration instead. When my elementary school teacher would get frustrated with me over my incapacity to process arithmetic she'd finally, nearly, yell, "56! FIFTY-SIX! 8x7 is 56!!!" Two things I could not process: 1) why this was so important to her, and, 2) why the answer being 56 today meant it would still be the answer tomorrow. I totally lacked an inner schematic, a matrix, to plug these pieces into. This absence of a matrix is something I also conceptualize as "matrix amnesia." It's why every sortie to the supermarket is kind of like the first time you've ever gone to a supermarket all over again. Not that you really forget the basic routine: pick up merchandise, go to checkout, pay, leave store. Of course not. But there's a deeper level at which the entire construction, the surface manifestation of it all, is like something you've never assimilated before and from which YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT. Matrix amnesia seems so obviously to be behind hyper-sensitivity, too. You're at church in the social hall with a hundred other people, already struggling from hearing a hundred people talking at once, and then some child lets out a typical childish shriek. And unlike everybody else who seems barely to notice, you nearly leap out of your shoes? Why? Because it's like part of your brain--not the intellectual part that knows these things happen, but some other part in control of your responses--had no idea anything like such a shriek could occur, and immediately you are thrown into crisis mode. Which is why autistic masking is light-years remote from the pose of a hypocrite or con man. Sure, there are people who adopt a persona and maintain it for years, decades. But autistic masking is an immediate, inwardly breathless scramble to improvise just to survive the moment. And of course the most profound difference: run-of-the-mill social phoniness is an attempt to get noticed and come out ahead in the social dance. Autistic masking is a scramble NOT to stick out and just to survive till you can git outta there. That's matrixlessness, or matrix autism. The other is Private Masking. And that one's the killer. Deep autistic masking doesn't stop the moment you've escaped the crush and press of the crowd. Even in your most private solitude, right there inside your body and soul, you are still, viscerally, over-regulating, artificially conditioning and manufacturing the "right" feelings and responses and "postures," expectations and values that the neurotypical world has blasted to you that EVERY NORMAL PERSON HAS INSIDE. Therefore you must and you will. All. The. Time. You're constantly working on yourself, in essence driving yourself toward your own (inaccurate) phantom of neurotypical-ness, so you hardly need a neurotypical crowd around you to make it worse. It's this "private masking" that wreaks such desperate long-term damage, quite literally to your guts, your nerves, your psyche. In the year-plus-some since my autism discovery I've been shedding incalculable layers of influences, impressions, "ghosts" and false values, the accretions of a lifetime's worth of both public and private masking. It has been like meeting my eight-year-old self again, underneath all that. And he smiled at me and said, "I've been waiting for you, what took you so long?"
Yes, I think the Private Masking starts as a form of practicing a skill. Just that it's a toxic skill. But I bet the same muscles you used to do it before are coming in handy in the process of practicing un-masking. The noticing (this time, of inner dynamics) and practicing respecting them and trying out different ways to respond to them. Warm regards to you and your eight year old self.
Thanks so much for taking the time to share so much so eloquently, Ken! (If you're writing a book, consider this my pre-order. Or if you're on Threads or somewhere else, I'd love to follow more of your writing.) I'm so glad you talked about why learning math was hard. It's literally a grief in my life that I couldn't learn basic math skills, because at some level I'm aware that there is this profound beauty that is shut out from me. The matrix concept helps so much! WHY is it 56? What are we using that information for? If I fail to mindlessly memorize that it is 56, what skills can you give me to figure it out on my own next time? And yes, private masking! Never thought about it. I'm all alone on a Saturday, and I'm thinking, "what would a respectable mid-50s woman be doing in this situation" instead of just acting however I want to act. Why is that a consideration? But I never really noticed that I was thinking like that before. Like, do I think someone is going to give me a failing mark on how I spent my Saturday?
@@Judymontel Thank you! You're right. The ramifications of a lifetime's struggle to survive an incomprehensible matrix are certainly far from categorically negative. One does grow strong, after all, in intensely inward and (autistically) unique ways. That strength then comes in hugely handy after your autism realization when you set yourself to the tasks of deconstruction and new construction.
Omg I relate SO MUCH to literally all of this!!!! I srsly have lived my 51 years thinking I am the only person living *this* life experience!!!! I have no words for how this feels, to hear another person speak my own reality to me before I try to explain it in attempts to relate & connect socially first. Literally, I am at a complete loss for words rn & feel understood & heard for THE first time in my life - & if you knew me, the very idea of me being at a loss for words wouldn't be reconcilable with the very Me of ME!!! THANK YOU!!!! ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️ This is the first vid I've watched of yours, but I've liked & subscribed & set notifications to "all", *&* I'm prolly gonna be binge watching SO MUCH more of your content today. I like to quote Shakespeare's Hamlet at times like this: "Words! Words! Words!" 💓💓💓💓💓💗 THANK YOU!!!!!!
I went shopping to Aldi the day before yesterday. Yesterday I was completely shut down. A hot bath and sleeping helped. Lesson - never go to Aldi again. Diagnosed recently aged 64 and so only now realising why these things are so hard.
When I didn't want to be around people but needed food,, I went thru aldi with my corded ear phones on listening to music I like to help drown out the other people and energy, its how I set me to me instead of them. With the cord they see it,, and leave me alone. Hope this helps, it was a game changer for me.
I always go to supermarkets with my sunglasses on so that the environment isn't as bright, I also try my best to go when I think there will be less people
Some other supermarkets are adopting "sensory hours" usually early morning. They will either shut off music and or turn the lighting down by half in the majority of the store.
Holy shit. Everything you said is me. My wife once asked if I was autistic and I just laughed, but the more I’ve looked into it the more it seems likely and would explain so many difficulties I’ve had before
I've learned to smile a lot. Even if I'm not feeling it. I try not to talk too much. The less you say, the less criticism you get. If I feel like I'm going to melt down, I remove myself as quickly as I can and cool down before returning. I am in a better place now that my husband has passed. Not putting him down, but he was difficult, then got a brain tumour. My kids have autism too. So I have to just put up with what life throws at me. I am private and try hard not to overshare and bore people.
I appreciate how clearly you explained these things. Masking is deeply exhausting and I feel more empowered in and understanding of the struggles I have with it. I recognize more of just how many small, accumulative ways it all adds up to be the deep level of frustration that it is.
One thing I like about having a techie job is that most people instinctively begin any new conversation by saying the name of the person they want to start talking with, instead of just talking to the air and expecting that the correct individual (out of maybe 10 people there) will know it's for them.
I love the decor of the room you are in. "Normies" might say the room lacks decor. They are wrong. It's just the right amount. (In overly decorated rooms I find myself saying to myself, "OK, that's gotta go, that's gotta go, that's gotta go, and that wallpaper... what were you thinking?")
I was trying to read the questions on the card and you moved them so fast, that I couldn’t hear the rest of the video! I wasn’t in a position to pause the video and that is also extremely annoying to do! I do find it strange that autistic/ND people do things that make it hard for other autistics like forced captions on the screen and moving placards really fast. We have processing issues dude 😂 please slow down!
Sorry about that!! I understand about the processing speed 😂😂 Sure not trying to annoy anyone. Appreciate your feedback and will make adjustments with this kind of thing in the future.
@@ChrisandDebby I couldn't keep up either but it must be REALLY difficult to find the 'line of best fit' to accommodate the maximum number of people's needs when making videos & I think it's admirable you're trying to, in addition to working with (& having others understand) your own. Respect
I have a coworker who continues to talk WELL AFTER she’s gotten her point across but no matter how much I show I understand, she doesn’t. Stop. TALKING. And this bothers me more because I’m usually in the middle of a time-sensitive task when she does it. We work at a daycare, so I can’t sit and chat because I have to keep the kids from killing each other. But I can’t cut her off because then I’m rude so I’m ROOTED in the spot until she stops and it’s PAINFUL
this is my mom😭 i force myself to hold my tongue but i just want her to STOP TALKING, especially on car rides. she knows i prefer my car rides to be in silence while i listen to music with my headphones, and yet she still fills the space with small talk for some reason and expecting me to reply to every little thing she says. i’ve never understood it and it honestly just pisses me off, but i can’t say anything because then she’ll just get mad and talk even MORE and yell
Something a lot of autistic people struggle with is saying "no". You can just tell someone "I gotcha, I'd keep listening but I am kinda busy" and they will just go "oh yeah gotcha" and will literally be okay. They want to talk and will repeat themselves, if it's getting too much, stop them. It's entirely possible. It can be difficult though, a lot of autistic people have social anxiety in addition to everything else
I hope in the future we are going to have a complete different name for high masking autistic people. I get discredited every time I say I am diagnosed as autistic person because I don’t look like one. I have a regular life apparently, but the struggle is real. Every point in this video resonates with me. I believe there’s a completely different diagnosis for high masking, because at the end of the day no one can say we are disabled in any way. It’s more of a matter of raising awareness that everyone is different and we cannot conform with a standard of what is proper or not. Whoever came up with the idea of “common sense” left out everyone else besides themselves. We are key to bring people out of the delusion that the system imposes to the average population. There is no average in fact.
YESYESYES. Diagnoses have charged so much in my lifetime, and I know we are not there yet. Things will look so different in another hundred years. As neuroscience gradually replaces observation and theory, I kind of expect that blanket diagnoses will be replaced with neural profiles based on the specifics of a person’s brain physiology. One of the reasons that it gets so confusing is that, for example, there are probably only so many ways for a brain to register anxiety, whatever the diagnosis. In the meantime, I’m gradually going back to calling myself an Aspie, which is what I would have been diagnosed with had it happened in my thirties. I can see some reasons why it was replaced with ASD, and there are some benefits to this approach, but it has also unleashed a torrent of conflict. I’m tired of hearing that I “don’t look autistic” - that may fade with time and education, but I don’t think the parents of type 3 kids will ever stop feeling invalidated by us, and insisting that we are “faking it” at their kids’ expense. I understand why they might feel that emotion, but we did not invent this system of classification. Aspie was still in broad use until a few years ago, when revelations about Asperger came out. I get that he was a terrible person, but I’m tired of throwing myself on a grenade because of that. I’ll be using Aspie at least some of the time from now on.
@@jimwilliams3816 I still use the term Aspie for that reason. That was my diagnosis, and it described my issues better than the current definitions, so I'm sticking with what works. The fact that it's named after a person who did some very bad things doesn't disqualify the accuracy of the syndrome described. But I can see how the average neurotypical would value protecting sensitive feelings over accurate diagnoses. /s
I think in the current model it's levels of autism, like level 1, 2, and 3. I believe level 1 autism is what was previously defined as aspergers, but they moved away from that term because of the absolutely horrendous person Asperger himself was, and how horrific his practices were. (Forced sterilization and literally sending autistic people to Nazi death camps.)
Aspie was still in pretty common use, even after the changes in DSM 5, and yes, I’d say it was the revelations about Asperger that really caused it to fall out of use. I eschewed the term for some time because of these, but the personal downsides have grown too onerous. “Type 1” vs Type 2 is too subtle and technical a distinction, so I hear from parents that I am a poseur who is invalidating their struggles. I hear from psychiatrists that I am “not what they were taught to diagnose as ‘autism’.” “High/low functioning” is also despised in the community, and rightly so. Many dislike “high/low masking,” and it doesn’t resonate with me TBH. So I’m tired of feeling like I’m painting a bullseye on myself by suggesting I’m “autistic” in many settings. I’m not ashamed of calling myself autistic, and I feel kinship for people on the spectrum. But IMO the ASD system simply is not working in the popular culture. So I will use Aspie when I feel it’s appropriate, political correctness be damned. At least until there are decent alternatives.
I think the frustration tolerance part is largely linked to how "just try again - and it will work", "practice makes perfect" and (worst of all) "learning from feedback" just... maybe not don't work at all, but certainly tend to work in a way that mismatches regular expectations (and thus collides with established learning infrastructure). Most of that I started realizing after reading an article (can't recall what it was called, no idea where to find it, not even fully sure what language I read it in...) on animal training and how it also applies to humans. Reading that, I totally realized I'm not compatible with this sort of training. Sometimes, when task is clearly defined and I have enough data in advance, I can just figure most of it out right away and resolve smaller issues in the process - completely avoiding the struggles others stumble upon. But that creates unrealistic expectations for the things that don't work this way - including problems with asking dor help (others get impression you never need help; also, when you really need help, they usually can't provide the help you actually need - so it discourages asking for it even more). Result: most things fall into 2 categories: either accomplished with barely any visible struggle (nobody sees the 300% mental effort poured into figuring it out on the fly - and why I might need to blank out after that), or they just don't work without some fundamental adjustments no matter the struggle. Others see it as "low frustration tolerance" and "quitting at the first signs of difficulty". For me, it's recognizing this isn't working and refusing to proceed with sunk cost fallacy without proper explanation of the big picture. But applying the "animal training" approach is the recipe for disaster: There is apparently a component of somewhat conscious variability expected for the method to work. If you tell me to try again without explaining what needs to be adjusted, I'll do exactly the same thing within the precision of my performance (or even perception). You won't get the variance to give feedback on - and if some fluctuation happens, I won't be able to tell where it stems from or how to reliably repeat it (and it ends up in the inconsistent feedback territory). Practice... well, some things may require more practice than usual to polish the reflexes. If you proceed to the next step the moment the previous one starts somewhat working, expecting the regular level of practice to finalize the previous step, sooner or later it may grow into a huge mess that starts backfiring everywhere because half the steps aren't polished enough to work together at this demand (getting driving license was a total mess... haven't even used it since) I, personally, also have near zero ability to measure negative feedback. And if it's not clear if a small adjustment is asked for or half the thing isn't workable - when you get me to deliberately add variability in the search of right solution, it will likely be so all over the place, that all the attempts will end up even worse. (plus, anxiety goes off the scale) And finally, when adding steps one-by-one without giving the full picture in advance, it may end up with the existing steps already being 120% (because there was no indication what total demand to optimize them for) and you planning to add 5 more things on top. Sooner or later, I'll just get mad at you for lying about the total scale of assignment. And throw half of it back in your face. And delete the empty formalities altogether.
Thanks for this insight, Chris. As someone with untreated ADHD and GAD my whole life, masking became my way of life and survival. I'm going through therapy and coaching in hopes of dropping the mask over time. Being easier on myself through the process has been key. The amount of self-awareness you have to understand your challenges is amazing. I hope to get there some day.
This is really good. Short videos are great for us with less attention span. I dont evwn know how I mask or fully understand it. What I DO know is that stimming is generally only at home. Once I realize what I am doing, I grab the stress bal or a fidget toy. Because I now know what I am doing, it seems creepy to rub my race, neck, etc. This is also a great cideo for autistics to understand what thry need in a relationship. I statted erimenopause qbout a year ago, and thats when my behaviors and memory issues seemed to get really bad. I dont know how I would navigate with anyone but my husband of 29 years. We have been through a lot, so this wont stop us! Thank you for your content!
Ooooh! I noticed that my struggles got worse starting in my late 40's. In my early 50's, I got diagnosed with obstructive sleep apnea. I assumed that the apnea and lack of oxygen killed off a bunch of brain cells. Now I'm wondering if there's an age-related physical change in men that might exacerbate autistic challenges.
@@markday3145 yes, I have sleep apnea. I was 48, but knew it was an issue for years. I am 52 now. I do think there is research suggesting links between estosterone levels and symptoms seeming worse.
I'm 57 and officially diagnosed AuDHD, uh, yesterday. 6___9 (I always knew something was 'wrong' and began suspecting Autism a few years ago.) "Shifting Allistic Expectations" of myself is my current struggle. Noticing that I'm in pain and exhausted before it gets unbearable; determining why it's happening; and resolving it so I can avoid the problem in the future. I feel tired just thinking about how much work this is going to be. So, thank you (and other Autistic creators) for blazing paths in the foggy wilderness.
This is so relatable. People always tell me I'm funny. I think what's actually happening is I was unaware socially. I always tell the truth and I'm kind and that's what gets me through.
Learning I have autism (at 40) helped me cut back on my dysfunctional substance use and made me more accepting of the traits that I struggled with for so many years. Knowing that there are others out there that share some of these attributes makes it feel less alienating and I’m so grateful for the awareness I’ve gained through video like these and the people who comment. 💕
I agree with a few other comments, thank you for not adding music! It makes the video so much easier to process and less overwhelming. Great content, I related so much to everything you said lol!
As a fellow AuDHDer, I think my two biggest struggles are 1) interruptions and 2) getting my energy depleted. 2) is in a big part caused by 1). I work in IT and we have a lot of meetings and people calling and sending IMs. The constant interruptions are so exhausting and kill my productivity. Working from home has made it easier as at least I don't get interrupted by other people's conversations.
I'm really laughing a lot,you're so funny. At the same time I feel the pain of all of these things you talk about, literally physically. The constant distraction, the fear of being lost or not finding a place....I had an amazing day yesterday and I met three really, really nice and funny people. In the evening, I waa lying on the sofa and my husband was extremely worried because I was in severe physical pain
Thanks so much for the support and also for this comment!!! We appreciate having you here - let us know if you have suggestions for topics you’d like to see us discuss too!
Excellent pacing and editing. Beautiful explanations. I'm well impressed with the videos you make. AND I learn more about myself and others. Subscribed.
OK, a little pointer. Many people who are autistic have slow processing speed, and you had your signs flash by so quickly that no one could even read that fast. Please slow it down next time. Thank you. And I really do like your videos.
I was looking for someone who commented on that. I noticed how fast the signs flashed by, and yes, they _were_ too fast; but I don't think that's a bad thing. It makes for an excellent visual demonstration of what "disruptive thoughts" can be like; trying to read, but before you're finished the next one is already smash-cut right in front of you. Then you try to read that one, but it flash to the next one too fast. I thought it was an _outstanding_ visual metaphor for what it's like for thoughts to just constantly jump in and out of active thought. Imagine trying to do or focus on anything while the ideas are "flashing by" in your head too fast to properly take in, but are there just long enough to get your attention. You know it was _something,_ and you kind of want to go back and see what it was, or slow it down, but you can't do that for a racing brain. At first I thought it was done deliberately, but given the reply, it looks like he didn't even realize his own genius... I guess the idea flashed by too fast for him to notice it. I'd suggest you incorporate *even more* visual metaphors like that; ways to demonstrate how difficult it is to do a typical, routine, mundane task (for a neurotypical, anyway) when your brain is being uncooperative.
Being required to attend meetings that I don't see any value in is a huge trigger for me... I do a lot of praying for cancellations. And I also figure out ways to get out of it. Keeping my hands busy during meetings is helpful stimming, when I can do it without getting caught
when I see your car ... I could never find my car again in a parking lot 🤣 When someone is pointing on something with their finger I also have troubles finding that ... I always say: "what do you mean?" I feel stupid 🤣
@@anjachan ahh yes, finding the car. I try to park in the same vicinity every time. And our cars are different in color and style, which helps. When we had the black SUV, ugh! How many times I tried to get in someone else's 🤣
@anjachan ah well two ways of looking at it. Nobody really notices, and its not like I know many people. I don't hang out with coworkers, and we have only been here 6 years. 😁
Sometimes when I'm greeting a person whether stranger or acquaintance, I can avoid masking by feeling/thinking "Open, Welcome," and then focusing on them. Agape. It's like an instant little attitude adjustment that sort of shifts my perspective so instead of feeling stressed or alarmed by the "intrusion," I feel calm, interested, expectant. I choose to really care. I'm not worried about what they think of me. I'm not putting on a show. Most of the time, not always, that allows me to have a pleasant interaction that leaves me feeling okay and seems to satisfy them as well. I don't need to do this with people who know me well, although it does improve the interaction then too if I do. These encounters are generally short, 5 to 20 minutes. If it goes on too long, sensory issues start requiring me to go soothe and then I'll excuse myself with love. Again it's not them I'm trying to convince that I'm feeling loving toward. It's me. It's how I FEEL. Their reaction to me is not the reason I'm doing it. I'm not faking it. I'm choosing to send them love in my heart. And then I'm not exhausted because I've been mirroring or trying to present a certain facade or behave a certain way. Like I said, it doesn't always work, but much of the time it does. I learned it by watching a high-functioning autistic.
I have no idea how to stop having neurotypical expectations of myself. not only audhd ,but also some physical/immune issues. and perfectionism. luckily i'm fairly good at conversations - well, as long as the conversation isnt focused on putting people down or a show i dont watch. Omg i get frustrated with studying and work when its too hard or too boring and then i shut down and cant study or work for at least 20 minutes but possibly 2 days. worst thing for me on a walk is scented fabric softener wafting out of peoples houses. also best part - hubby doesnt like socializing either so we just stay home
Oh my god, the smell of dryers, YES! Both my wife and I have always been sensitive to scents. Manufactured stuff is the worst, but I also can’t have most flowers in the house.
Sometimes I want to throw up when I’m with a group of people. Hearing every conversation and being unable to focus on just one, the horror of music playing too loud, people laughing abruptly, feeling like i have to moderate my body language and facial expression, it is so overwhelming for me. I had all of this reminded to me recently at a 4th of July party, and I felt so bad because I wanted to engage and have fun, but I just couldn’t.
If you're a high-masking and/or late-diagnosed autistic adult, what are some of your struggles? And have you found anything that helps?
I solved most of this stuff by depersonalizing and dissociating. Which is to say that I don't handle it very well at all, but getting an appropriate diagnosis and support is far harder than it should be just because of how internalized it is.
And one of the "great" things about not having top down perception sometimes is that things seem to make sense at the moment, but then are completely confusing a few minutes later when it starts to process.
Heya Chris, thanks for this, I can't get diagnosed cz it means I get very shit rights in my current situation hahha so your vids help heh thanks
Would you be willing to read my book 'Living with Autism Undiagnosed '
I'd love your feedback on it.
Sometimes when somebody is saying something to me I only hear maybe 3 or 4 words if they're talking a lot especially if I'm focused on something else
Of all the ones you mentioned, only my solution to where the car is parked comes to mind. Either it's parked as far away from the access door as possible (and, therefore, usually in plain view) or I have paid attention to and stored away such things as "the more left row from the H when facing the building." Also, since diagnosis, I have gone back to spending oodles of time by myself---even though I'm married. There are rules for how to approach me when I'm off doing something by myself and he's learned them---for the most part.
Oh, yes, and I'm funny. People often are spitting their guts with laughter as I go on. I had always thought that it was what I call The Jester Syndrome. That is, the jester was usually incredibly observant and the matter-of-fact presentation of the true situation is so ridiculous that we laugh, but also realise how cuttingly true it is. And, we remember what was presented because it made us laugh. At least, that's how it looks to me. I noticed it first when I bought a really crappy umbrella in Calgary and was telling the person who was with me---and watching the crappy umbrella, too---"Look! Who'd have expected it to be that totally crappy" or some such. She split a gut throughout the story that she was a part of by standing and watching me fight the crappy umbrella. I wasn't trying to be funny. I was exasperated by the cruelty of the crappy umbrella.
Missing the first part of the first sentence! Wow, it's not just me! Thanks for that one. :-)
"I just don't understand Why they talk so much about absolutely nothing important" God, that resonated with me so much
Honestly, I just think that people talk for the talking. The same way I look at pictures just for that or my sister goes hiking just for the sake of being hiking.
I don't really have a different explanation, but then again, I am often times so overly talkative that people struggle to shut me up. And because i have so many different interests and so much knowledge, i usually find a topic with almost anyone.
Which makes it even Mor euncomfortable if i dont' find something to talk about with someone.
And it's even more frustrating when they just do it in the middle of a grocery store aisle or something.
Go outside or something. Stop annoying everyone else.
I always felt like an asshole for not wanting to hear people’s stories. It has been a real struggle with my father. He is getting older and doing that thing where he repeats stories which sets my brain on fire.
I'm an Australian postman.. And that's what it's like in my office.. Everyone talk and laughs about things that seem so puerile - or totally unimportant... Even the manager comes out and does a group meeting then most of what he says sounds like guff... It's as if he gets paid to waste our time.. I'd rather be working than listening to useless conversations...
Yesss
The part where you know you should pretend to care about things people are talking about but you just can't bring yourself to fake caring is so real.
It’s a big struggle!! I can’t lie to myself and pretend to care anymore.
I laughed out loud at this one, because it was so true. (Especially as a woman, never mind an autistic woman. There are so many things people expect you to care about, simply because you're a woman, and I'm like... "Uh, no.")
it's a dreadful feeling, most people can see you are faking it but won't say it to you. I just go with "it is what it is" instead don't pretend to care because most won't for you.
The weird thing is that you really do care about that person if you are trying to show interest in what they're saying. With people I don't care about, I don't really care about pretending to care. I would like to actually show attention to the people that I care about though. It's difficult stuff.
@@gummywormjim can I ask about family members as I’m with my stepson who is a high functioning autistic but has all these characteristics. I just try not to react anymore but trying to teach him when we are no longer here makes me concerned. Thanks
Thank you for not adding music!
Right? For a little while there there was a trend to have short videos about ADHD where the point of the video was text on the screen, but there would also be music with competing lyrics (or a semi-related audio clip from a movie/TV show) and a video of someone dancing with a cyclorama color overlay.
Made me seriously doubt that the makers were ND.
YES
Ah! I was wondering why I wasn’t as annoyed as I often get watching yt vids. Appreciate you pointing that out 👍🏼
Yeah, that's terrible. Every radio here has music, even during news and talkshows... I'm Dutch.
Yes! Thank you!
I’ve forced myself to conform, to make eye contact, make small talk, etc that now everyone thinks I’m a popular, social person. I’m so exhausted and in physical pain.
Same. But that may be attributed to the way females are raised and all that societal expectations stuff. How we're SUPPOSED to behave. Nobody understands how hard it is to appear normal or how fucking exhausting it is.
@lauraalopez I distanced myself from those friends, now I have a small group of like 5 good friends vs 20. It sucks but it's better this way. And my true friends were the ones that asked me if I was OK, and when I told them about what I was going through they understood and don't bother me as much. My worse fear was people thinking I didn't care because I didn't tall to them every day. But now they know we're always friends even if I'm not around. Besides, as cynical as it sounds I realized they have other friends to fill that social roll and don't need me for that. I interact with someone personally about once every couple weeks. I'm not saying drop all your friends, but dropping a few helped my mental health so far.
I do the bit where I look at people's forehead or nose rather than their eyes. And I don't even do that often. I don't typically like looking at people at all when I talk to them, so I'll look near them but not at them.
I came to realize that was killing me. Masking set expectations (from others and for myself) that I could not maintain. That led to shame, depression, anxiety, and a total breakdown.
a few years ago I made a decision: I won't have a social life anymore. Period. And I am doing so much better now....
Today I just need masking at my workplace... and NO, I will not have dinner with the guys, I eat my own food from home...
“Why would people bully others, why are they so cruel?” That hit bc I ask myself that so often
Yes. A keen sense of Unfairness seems to be a common theme
Something my psych professor told us last time, it was "People rejoice in the good actions of a community or a self-start act; then there are people who rejoice in degrading and humiliating others in community or alone. It's much like a rush from a drug. Their dopamine is highest when they make others suffer. It's so addicting that they don't know right from wrong. There are other inmates who years later realize their errors and find better ways to use, to cope with that rush. And they wish to help the police to find their victims and ask for forgiveness or the cadaver. Others don't go through the realization of 'Aha!'. And yet, these people live amongst us masking their horrible dopamine rush. "
This hit us right in the gut. This is terrifying. Sociopaths who also mask as normal.
In my family, the only accepted emotions were anger and contempt. Bullying was part of everyday life. I was an adult before I got far enough away from that culture to learn better behaviours.
social darwinism.
Because people are trash.
As an actor, it’s wild to see how a lifetime of observation and pretend due to my autism gave me all my acting skills from being a high masker - downside: figuring out who I am under it all ♥️ thank you!
This is super interesting as ive had a theory that all this masking makes a great actor and then find out that so many people in the arts are neuro diverse
Yes! Henry, I had this realization myself this year. I'm an INCREDIBLE mimic and can camelion myself into any role... but... who am I? I am only JUST beginning to figure that out at 43.
I was a great actor as a young person. Won a scholarship. I never pursued it because I was fat and had crooked teeth and RSD. Couldn’t do it. (But now that I lost weight, got the teeth straightened and retired …). My son is also autistic (he’s how I know I’m autistic). He’s a good actor. I knew it when he was two and we had to act out Cinderella.
Soooo… I was wondering whether I’m a good actor because I mask or I’m good at masking because I’m a good actor.
I'm not an actor (well, not in title anyways) but yeah, I feel like I've always played pretend better than the average bear. Figuring out which parts of the various personas I've picked up to define an acceptable visage to the rest of society are actually really parts of me is so goddamn exhausting
@@gaylynyoung6387yes.
Actually, both. Being autistic creates a need for you to act. The need makes you develop the skill. And since it's probably hereditary, your ancestors who thrived were probably good actors, as well. Who says you can't inherit acting ability? Or musical gifts, another trait that's highly correlative in the autism community.
“People talk so long about absolutely nothing” hit home! I have that thought so many times a day. 😂
Me too! I'm fine with not talking all day, even at work. I like talking, too, sometimes, but only in the right conditions and circumstances. I hate it when people ask me, "Why are you so quiet?" Um, because I don't know you, lol. If you want to talk, why don't you start a conversation, then? Asking me why I'm quiet is NOT an appropriate conversation starter, however.
My main thought, when I must be around most people or, I'm like in a crowded place, is how stupid people are...
Same here. Since I was a kid, in the first nine years, I was non-verbal, and they had me examined by dozens of doctors. I didn't budge up or peep. I finally became verbal and learned the sounds and pronunciation of things, suddenly I heard people saying things in front of me and behind my back "Why doesn't she shut up for a moment, or a day?"
Looking back, it makes no sense. You don't talk. You must be broken or shy. You speak too much, you are broken, or you are a parrot. 😂 I don't speak much to strangers or family members. If they wanna start a conversation. Sure, I'll follow as long as the conversation is interesting. Lol!
I doubt I have autism, but I can relate to this big time
I hate haircuts so much. The smells, small talk, and getting a haircut I don’t like. I learned how to cut and colour hair like a professional, got a tri-fold mirror and some professional shears, and now I don’t have to endure the nightmare any longer. Necessity begets learning.
Same here. The trouble I have now is getting round to cutting it, so now I'm growing it, until the next time I decide I can't cope with long hair.
Wow same, I didn't realise how bad it was until I went recently for the first time in a while, and noticed how desperate I was for it to be over. Might have to teach myself too
And you save money too!
I was thinking about getting one of those things George Clooney uses to cut his hair. A Flowbe????? I'm a bit chicken though.
@@skeovkp48598 That's where I am. It's below my waist, and I really don't like it.
Diagnosed about 6 weeks ago, at 64 years old, it's like having your whole life explained, unfolded, unlocked... I was misdiagnosed by professionals many years ago with 'situational depression', and 'everybody's on the spectrum somewhere', which led to my discounting my struggles and myself as 'just weird'. My personal, family, school and career struggles have been many, I know now why I'm alone, but something that really bothers me is not knowing how things would have turned out, or how far I could have gone if I'd known, and others knew, and helped and supported me instead of antagonizing, ignoring, or bullying. Maybe if there was instruction or counseling when I was young I wouldn't have been blindsided by some tragic events, and leveraged my autistic talents better too. Right now, it feels like I'm finally finding out who I am.
Best to you as you navigate the new narrative. Hopefully you will find the positive aspects of the present moments ahead.
I’m about to be 40 and figured mine out around 4 or 5 years ago. I have a similar experience. When I figured it out it’s like my whole life all of a sudden made sense.
I am 57 and self-declared about 3 years ago. One of the hardest things for me has been to let go of self recriminations over my "failures." Things like my lousy relationship with my mom and the career and education I never had. But I finally feel as though I am beginning to understand that these "failures" have been a joint venture. Now, instead of trying to learn about me, I am learning the stuff about nom-autistics I didn't know. Like I am a direct communicator, but most non-autistics are indirect communicators. Also of help, being "older" gives us permission to seem cranky. When someone says, "Why would you say(do) that?"You cn respond with 'why wouldn't you say(do) that?!"
🩷
In fairness to yourself (and me; I'm 65) when you were in school, autism was considered VERY rare. And then it was "only boys." It hasn't been very long ago that high masking autism was recognized as autism at all.
I think there's a reason for us. I think we're the door openers for all the little girls (and others) who won't be left behind or sit in a corner watching the other kids play because they haven't figured out how to join in.... And we're old enough now to insist on what we need. And what _they_ need.
To build muscle, you have to break it, because it's the repair that makes it stronger. We must be some kind of bionic by now, don't you think?
Oh my god, pretending to care even slightly about things I don't care about is almost physically painful.
I was a massage therapist for 7 years. Because people were face down, I didn't have to make eye contact and they couldn't observe my body language. They gave me the benefit of the doubt when something I said was misconstrued. People didn't treat me with contempt or disdain. For the first time, I felt like a real person. For a while, I loved it. Then it hit me. My whole life people have treated me as some kind of alien just because of my body language and facial expressions. Pisses me off. Why can't they give us the benefit of the doubt even when they're looking at us? Why do we have to work so hard just to be treated with a modicum of dignity?
I hear you, fellow neurodivergent person! Rather than get angry and resent them for not understanding, try to see things from their point of view. After all, you’re smart, and you didn’t understand it at first!
@@LivingroomTV-me9oz There's a difference between intelligence and empathy. Empathy is giving someone a chance, even if you don't understand them at first. The narrative is that we're the ones lacking empathy, but that's obviously wrong. Get an entire civilization to belittle and deconstruct a group of people that have been alienated since birth, because you can't stand some 'je ne sais quoi' about how they present themselves - who's lacking empathy there?
@@alliem.182 "desire is the root of all suffering". Stop trying to get their approval. Lead your own path, and they will follow.
@@G8tr1522 Exactly, when I was in school I was always with the other strange kids, and it was ok. I never had the need to become friend of the "normal" kids, although with some normal people it was working good, but I never tried very hard. If somebody don't like me, no problem, the world is full of people, I just move on. So I end up with 3 friends who I can contact from time to time to see how they are doing, and they are ok with this. That's enough social contact for me.
@G8ter1522 I think there’s a balance to be struck with validation. Yes, being comfortable with who you are, rather than depending on outside affirmation is a good thing. But it’s gradually sinking into me that yes, excessive need for external validation and fragile self image tend to flow from not having received enough emotional support. Humans actually need that external support, and this need has been recognized in psychology circles for a long time. Those who haven’t received it are the ones that have the hardest time dealing with invalidation.
I think it’s important to recognize this when making the type of statement you have. Absent that, it can lead people with validation issues further into feelings of moral failure: why am I concerned about what others think? Why can’t I recognize my own self worth implicitly? It helps to recognize that the people who are grounded in this area probably did not do it on their own; they likely had emotional support from people close to them, and this may be why they don’t struggle with self worth in the way that a person who never had that support does.
The feeling of euphoria from finally recognizing myself in these in ways that I was previously ashamed and confused about.
I know that feeling too! It’s hard to unlearn but so necessary for understanding yourself. Hope you’ll find our content helpful for that 🙌
Bingo!
i just wanna say that i really appreciate that you went to the trouble of shooting your own b roll. i find stock footage incredible distracting and irrelevant most of the time. i often miss the point entirely because i’m wondering why i’m looking at some random kid eating ice cream or whatnot. thank you. the extra effort is noted.
Lol! So many of these comments making me laugh because they're thoughts I've always had that I've never seen written or said anywhere else.
OMG Yes! This.
@@connoralbertson2843I keep giggling thinking the same reading these comments. I feel at home here lol
That's very true!
I think this is a point not a lot of people would bring up. I also thought it was a nice touch, but didn't think about the effort that went into it enough. Yeah it was pretty cool.
My problem is that I am so high masking as a female that now I am not sure what is masking and what isn’t. Having introception issues does not help matters. I also don’t feel like my spouse gets any of it or me. So crazy as I was originally watching all of these videos, because my counselor thought that he might possibly be on the spectrum. He still might be, he’s old and doesn’t really care. Whereas my world has been rocked. It explains so much. Everything. But now it’s feeling like an existential midlife crisis. Sigh. Thank you for the video!
I also have masking as so integral part of me that I don't know how I would be without masking. It also explains why I struggle answering any questionnaires about myself. Often I have no clue. I guess part of it is also autism and ADHD having kind of contradicting traits. Like doing small decisions often is much harder for me (autism) than doing big decisions (ADHD kind of overrides my autism there I guess). Choosing an appliance can be a more overwhelming decision for me than deciding to move abroad. For real. By a huge margin.
@@fintux "Choosing an appliance can be a more overwhelming decision for me than deciding to move abroad."
Same for me. The latter might sometimes be decided in one second (like: Yeah, a new adventure is coming up! Sure I'm in!), whereas for the one a looot of data needs to be collected before a choice can be made. 😅
Edit: But honestly? I like both parts of me. Collecting data is a fun way to spend your time with either. 😊
I resonate with you in regards to my partner not understanding any of it or me. I've been there for the past 6 months and I am patiently waiting for the understanding and acceptance to come along. I think an issue for my partner is that she has a friend who has 2 ASD-2 Children, and she can't accept a level 1 diagnosis because it doesn't show as these grown up children.
@@fintux funny about the appliance comment. I resonate strongly with this. I've actually moved abroad and it took a lot less effort than it did to make choices on things to purchase - so much data mining required.
@@InterDivergent I've moved abroad not just once, but twice. I made both decisions pretty quickly, basically in a matter of minutes. For a vacuum cleaner, I made a spreadsheet, read test reports, called manufacturers, visited several shops. It was a long project. I've not regretted any of those decisions, but yeah looking back it does seem a bit odd. (Of course I did not actually move abroad just like that, it required paperwork, planning etc., but I did not question the decision - though I guess also my opportunities were such that I didn't also need to think about which country or city to move in).
It’s been 2 years, I was diagnosed at 45. It’s been a revolution in my life, and changed how I make all my choices. I can now meet some of my own needs, and know why to avoid losing battles. Its incredible. I just wish I hadn’t lost my friends and even my found family. Being alone is hard. But I don’t let people be mean to me anymore.
They weren't your friends. You'll find them soon, stick to your values and you'll find them ❤
Yeah, I haven't "lost" my friends exactly, but my abilities changed and I'm in the process of gradually redesigning a lot of things about my life to suit my current limitations. They're out there, but there is no longer a playing field in which we can meet (mostly because the ones they're on no longer suit me). It's a lot to figure out, and since I definitely miss having more connection, it's important to me. So I'm taking the time to do it slowly.
@Judymontel apologies for projecting my experience onto yours 😊 Although similar in some ways. I've got better at asking for my needs to be met. Meeting one person at a time, location preferences and asking to leave if sensory overloaded. It's been hard letting go of acquaintances but I'm glad I'm only focusing on people I class as friends. I'm lucky I work in a big workplace so generally get my social needs met through the day to day fleeting interactions. Those are my favourite because their scripted
I have lost a lot of friends in life, for god knows what reason. But at a certain point I also cleaned house, getting rid of friends who were abusive and who bullied me. I seemed to collect such people, and they were among my best friends. I don't claim to be guiltless in these relationships; I guess I'm really irritating on some level, but I can't have such people in my life, regardless of where the blame lies.
Stay strong, friend- you're not alone
I am just coming up on my 69th birthday and I just got that I am on the spectrum this year. what a realization! 45= YEARS OF DEPRESSION explained in a single epiphany.. moved out to the country and don't see anyone or interact and poof, depression gone.
you have nailed my life of "masking". didn't even know I was doing it. thanks
Glad you figured out what you need and found a way to get it - I’m still learning but getting there. What you found (the quiet life in the country) is what I feel myself gravitating towards more and more now. Thanks for sharing this! Also, early happy birthday! 🙌
I grew up with ADHD being "bad parenting" and autism being "failure to thrive", but now as I read these comments I realize just how many autistic traits my dad has, which makes my and my sisters' struggles make SO MUCH more sense.
Me too! I'm late diagnosed woman, at age 50, and yes, in a single take, I wasn't depressed constantly anymore. They tried putting all kinds of labels that just didn't fit. My son is autistic, and my dad/that side of family is autistic, and I'm the only child...but because I'm a woman, I was automatically passed over, even though some immediate family are autistic. It's simultaneously liberating, yet makes me angry that I was ignored ALL this time. And some STILL question because I'm so high masking...but in recent weeks, I've been letting it fall, and it's been great!! Good luck and Cheers to your birthday🥂💃
@@acelibrarian autism => failure to thrive. Exactly what happened with my son. My ex-wife and I were young, and the doctors just blamed us for his 'failure to thrive'. He was born to an alcholic mother, and his earliest diagnosis (at 5 years old) was FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome). He has the physical signs, but that wasn't all. We gave him up as a Ward of the Court eventually, due to our frustrations and my inability to cope. Later on, he was diagnosed bi-polar (my twin brother, his uncle, was also) and autistic (Aspergers). I was diagnosed as Aspergers (simply 'on the spectrum' now) shortly after re-aquainting with him when he turned 18. My diagnosis was unrelated, but when I was told he was Aspergers, it confirmed my own 'self-diagnosis'. My employer paid for my assessment due to issues at work when I claimed a disability. My own father still will not accept my professional diagnosis, and not at all interested in accepting my 'behaviour', insists that it's something I must control.
@billdevany3303 I love your post. I too moved out to the country. Desensitized one animal at a time. Now have great Pyrenees, cat, AND some chickens!! Woo-hoo!!!
"It's always about people. It's so boring and stupid. "
I strongly relate to every point made in the video, but that one hit me HARD! Good job, author.
In my state it's all about bloody football. If I was dictator, I would ban it just so people would stop talking about it
I did too! And pop-culture. Who gives a flying crap about what these people talk about??? I'm amazed that they even care.
Oh so much this. Especially famous people. They don't matter!
It would have been so nice to know these things when I was a kid. Back then it really bothered me that I was different from my peers. Now I am 59 and I have embraced being different and it’s what makes me special and unique. However, knowing others have these same issues has been incredibly helpful and affirming. It’s also helped me help my autistic son, who is a teen.
“I pretend I understand how conversation work” 😂I feel you there bruv
My third tutor taught me years ago. If someone is talking to you but they are going too fast, nod in agreement and smile, and repeat the last sentence they have said.
This has helped in some situations, in others....... well, I'm being asked. Why are you smiling? This is the worst day ever!" Ooops! 😅
If people speak slower, then yes. I can follow along a conversation without nodding. 🗣
Oh man, that bit about burnout and toning it down - problem was, trying to do and keep jobs which paid the bills and bought the groceries burned me out for good over a decade ago.
Yes
100%. Not to belittle your experience, but I’m right there with you I think.
Yep, I've struggled with keeping jobs my entire life. I was diagnosed with Asperger's at age 28, but that didn't make things better (I'm 42 now). I've had 43 jobs at 31 companies in a span of 26 years (which including many years without working at all). I'm currently unemployed. Every job I've ever had has been horrible and low paying, even though I have a Bachelor's degree (in geography from 2005). I only survive by getting government assistance and loans from family members. I can't handle living with other people, so I don't have anyone to share bills or chores with. I also have no friends. I like I might also have ADHD because I have trouble focusing on tasks and am always wanting to do something else. I have massive amounts of free time but struggle to make myself do anything useful with it. I had (and still have, I hope) a lot of potential, having accomplished some impressive things when I was young, despite my disadvantages. I hope things get better soon, but my life is unpredictable.
@@MatthewTheWanderer
Are you obsessed with maps like me? Ever looked into being a land surveyor?
@@LSD-420 Yes, I've been obsessed with maps since I was a toddler! Land surveyor doesn't sound like an easy job to get and the skills involved have very little to do with what I know about maps. If I was ever going to consider being a land surveyor, I should have done it 20 years ago. It's too late for that now.
This is my life! Especially the thoughts you held up on the cards. I didn't even realize that I struggle with proper conversation, but since Self-Diagnosing, many of my friends and family have expressed their relief that I now realize that I more monologue than Converse. I never even noticed I do that. Like all the time.
It's good that your family and friends are so accepting of your self-diagnosis.
Even this I compensate with masking. I figured out very early that I do this so what I'll do as a compromise between me wanting to talk about a certain topic and other people's need to have a flowy conversation is going on my little rant and then building a bridge for them to connect to it by asking "do you feel similarly about this topic?" or "you told me something similar a while ago". We want to be heard and they want to be seen. Both can be possible at the same time.
Thank you! I relate to everything you said. Especially:
Being frustrated for being frustrated with myself for being so easily frustrated. YES!
Sensory overload to many things but especially sounds. Car alarms. Chainsaws. Bouncing balls. Buzzing insects. Dripping faucet. Instant fight or flight reaction.
Huge startle response. Meltdowns (raging or crying).
Can't (or no interest in) following conversations. Being flooded with thoughts Interrupting or holding it in (when I can) Small talk. And definitely, "Will you PLEASE get to the point!"
Uncomfortable around most people. More than two at a time is usually overwhelming. I become anxious and either shutdown or leave.
High expectations of myself and others. Not understanding why everyone isn't this way. Toss in an unhealthy dose of perfectionist procrastination, avoidance, or paralysis.
Still learning how to manage and navigate this world. So grateful for your channel. 🙋♀️💖
I get that stuff!
I had to check the name on this comment. I was like: did I write a comment already and forget? Hard agree with everything. I'll add that glaring lights are literal violence. Design engineers, please try to figure out how to fully illuminate a room without pushing needles into my eyes and trigging migraines! K thx bye
I'm a piano tuner, and was listening to a video with Emmanuel Pahud playing flute. He is an amazing flautist, but he would sometimes hit high notes that actually hurt my ears. I wondered whether he knew how bad those notes sounded, but quickly realized that most people don't even hear the overtones that I am hearing.
"It's frustrating to be frustrated at yourself for being so easily frustrated"
Yeah, that infinite frustration loop is SO exhausting
Yes!!
I honestly feel like 9 times out of 10 if I ask myself how I'm feeling (and it isn't "happy") the answer is "frustrated".
I have finally gotten old enough that I can tell people "hey, I'm old. I have an old processor. You need to start at the beginning. The point before I realized you were talking to me" amazingly enough it works, even better then saying "what!". My daught sometimes will wait until I put whatever I'm doing down before she starts the actual conversation. Most of time time I have no idea what everyone is talking about, especially in a group. When I do get in a coversation with someone I've notice most people won't let me finish my sentence. I know I don't ramble because I find myself paussing often when talking to my therapist, waiting for her thoughts on whatever I'm talking with her about. I have people staying at my home right now and I have found I'm having more meltdowns. They keep trying to reorganize my home. I can't find anything and it sends me into a tailspin. Then they get mad because I put everything back were it was.
I can make eye contact when I first start to talk to people but after that first initial contact I will look away, otherwise I can't pay attention to what is being said, or think about how I should respond. Trying to make eye contact while talking is too distracting.
I also don't like music playing while driving, don't like loud parties, and don't like large crowds.
I got to see my grandson tonight. I haven't seen him in a really long time. He is low functioning autistic. After hanging out with him for a little while I asked him if it was ok to have a hug. He gave me a really big smile and actually said 'sure'. He walked over to me and gave me a really big hug. Then a little bit later he walked over to me and held my hand. There was some music playing in the background and I noticed his lips were moving to the song. I rocked our hand a little to the music. He seemed to like that so I asked him if he would like to dance. He started pulling me out of my chair. I talked him through our dance moves. After a while I told him I needed to sit back down. He's sister came over and said he had never done that with anyone before. I'm thinking no one ever asked his permission before. Oh, my grandson is 7yo. I would also pause between calling his name and then talking to him. He is considered none verbal but if you ask him something requiring really short answers and give him time to answer he will answer just fine.
❤️
so much love❤
❤ listening is so important.
I really like the metaphor of riding the wave. I really appreciate the few people I know who are willing to "sit back and watch me ride the wave like a badass."
Treasure those few
Interjecting and blurting my thought before the wave breaks is my urgent cycle. Some hate it and some roll with it. Freaking annoying sometimes.
The problem is all the dogs and dog lovers that want to break your surfing flow by pointing out the cute dog or cat in the street.
But also yeah… that surf is usually louder than what the person is saying.
I am 64 this year and just diagnosed a couple of days ago with high functioning autism and that l mask it very well. I feel so peaceful about it yet tinged with a little sadness because it took so long. Now I can understand everything a lot easier and I can be kinder to me. Some may not believe me when they find out and that is okay as it is a sign they can’t understand. Finding this channel is very helpful and it feels like a safe and understanding place.
I'm also 64, found out about six weeks ago, and I agree with every single word.
@@stevendaleschmitt For once I don’t have any questions about feeling great. It doesn’t feel abnormal and everything now seems to just click into place. One other thing I now realise is that when you are with others who have autism you no longer feel odd or on the outside looking in. Hoping the best in your discovery of a new perspective in life.
"Being kinder to me" - exactly
How cool that you're both recently Dx'd, both 64 & both called Steven S!
@@hannahmitchell87 That is really cool and I like the way you noticed that.
What a great reason to take judgement out of social values! Never judge, always be kind
I'm a recently diagnosed 34 year old and I've never related to anything more than to the wave analogy; it so good!
The frustration snowball hits me so hard now that I know why I get frustrated so easily…
It’s like I went from putting a fire out by letting it burn, to throwing gas on it because I forget in the moment that gas is flammable
Yup yup yup ! Am an ASPIE ! Learned and learning to manage my ''ASPIE SYMPTOMS'' ! Got 3 main obsessive interests ! Love ya fellow ASPIE ! ASPIES of the WORLD UNITE !
I was self-checking out at the grocery store, and the guy next to me was having a loud phone conversation, and it broke my concentration while trying to pay, and suddenly all the noise and light in the store hit me all at once and I just stood there staring at the checkout screen in a daze until the guy left. I felt bad for holding up the line but reminded myself that this was a sensory overwhelm and to take it easy and not get ashamed over it.
I’ve been learning how to unmask, and part of that is recognizing that sensory overload is a frequent occurrence when I am doing everyday things. Before, I would feel it but not realize that it wasn’t something everyone was dealing with to that level of intensity and somehow handling better, and I can cut myself a break.
Same here. Sensory overloads. Now I give myself more time to process.
Thank you so much for these videos. My husband and I have been married for 23yrs and we always communicated differently. He is, well, different. Blunt, so so smart, but adorably clueless in a lot of things. I just assumed it was how he was. But it created alot of misunderstandings and frustrating conversations for both of us. Then we started watching 'The Big Bang Theory' and at one point we looked at each other and almost together we were like 'You're a Sheldon!'. I know it's just a show but it was our 1st experience seeing someone very similar to him that he could relate too. Because the people on TV were never like him. Then hubby made friends with an older gentleman who we later found out was on the high end of the spectrum. We were both SO glad he was open about his diagnosis and encouraged us to do research. We didn't know anything about this type of autism. These type of videos are so helpful!!! Not just for him, but for me. To know he NEEDS a break from talking (I'm a big talker), he doesn't look at me not because he's not paying attention, and we just see the world differently. But in a lot of ways that's a bonus because we learn so much from each other! Please keep making content like this! It's so helpful!
6:49 OMG THAT MOSQUITOE IS HUGE! Tell me other people noticed it?
Loved this video! My adult son was recently diagnosed and I showed him this. So many things here he can relate to. Thank you for letting him know he's not alone!
That’s amazing to hear! We love hearing that our content helps others better understand themselves and their loved ones - that’s awesome how you and your son are learning more together. I have a lot more coming soon about my experience as a late diagnosed adult, and it’s been a long process (and ongoing) to relearn so much about myself. Your son is lucky to have someone as supportive as you! And he’s definitely not alone in this journey 😊
And PS the mosquito 😂😂😂
The missing the first part of the first sentence thing is so real. It's like brain is in a mode that doesn't allow conversation, so when someone starts talking, it feels like i have to do a quick reset to load the conversion module. By that point they've already gotten halfway through what they wanted to say 😅
I LOVE this video. Thank you! I struggle with those same thoughts. Thank you for your vulnerability. I feel so much better knowing I'm not the only one who has some thoughts that feel irrational. This is so helpful. Thank you for finding the words I struggle to find. ❤
I'm waiting for an autism assessment, at age 51. I'm trying to unmask at home, your video's are really helpful. I've found that I really like to say the word 'tiny' in a tiny voice, probably in most situations over and over again 😂
I don't know it this is the same, but when I'm driving or riding the motorbike.. If I run over a lump or bump I say "bink" out loud.. I do it all the time.. When I cross railway tracks it gets stretched out to "binkety bink" I've been doing it for years...
Oh no... I just tried this and it felt so good. You have infected me.
And you just gifted me with a new verbal stim, I'm both annoyed and entertained that it was that easy.
Sometimes you will either get a wrong assessment or none at all. My sister done 4 years of college, in psychology. I was suspected and diagnosed as NOT having it age 17. Age 42, my sister nervously tells me what she thinks. And while it's not full blown, that exactly WHY I was diagnosed as not having autism. But traits are definitely there, just don't affect me quite as badly as most autistics I hear about. And in some things I've trained myself extremely well.
The flashes. Awesome video, but for the next one please could you exclude the flashes in between? For us light sensitive people that would be great!
Yes, please - I was wearing sunglasses when watching and the flashes still hurt my eyes. Was really surprised to find them on a video about autism
34 yo and go my diagnose almost a years ago. It is definitely a journey to get to a point where I'm not ashamed of regulating myself with others, I have been able to stim more with my co-workers present or give myself a moment of silence to try to understand after someone said something to me and sometimes even ask to repeat or explain without being afraid of judgement. Working from home more after my diagnose have been a life saver ❤.
I can only unmask fully when I know no one is around. That's basically never. Even being in a secluded room: noises or sounds disturb the other autistics in the house. Yes. One day things will get better. Making the best of the situation I am in now... Thanks for your content. Really enjoy watching it and feel less alone in all of this.
Same. I love my boyfriend but he is always home. I wish I could have the house to myself sometimes.
Oh my word. You just made me realise I have that too. Missing the 1st part of the sentence. So now I know it's an autism thing. Thank you so much. Edit - diagnosed with autism at 54, diagnosed with fibromyalgia 2 years ago and self diagnosed with ADD last year.
Same! And only having the second part - that you already got - repeated back to you, come on… I now realise that this has probably happened countless times in my life
I have Fibromyalgia as well, along with Psoriasis, and Psoriatic Arthritis. Doesn't being Autistic make life fun?
that one is soo huge for me!! i will specifically and clearly repeat the portion i heard back to them n ask “what came before (quotes all the rest of the sentence)?” and STILL they wont repeat the opening part i missed!!! i dont understand how i can make it any clearer! theyll just stare and say like, yeah, thats what i said, whats your answer? completely ignoring that i asked them to repeat the first part i didnt hear. this happens to me constantly and i dont know how to be any more crystal clear. I’ll spell it out in detail, “i heard (this part) but i didnt hear anything before that. what did you say in the beginning?” and ill just get blank stares. i cant answer the question if i dont know if you asked Where is (the thing), Do i like (the thing), Do we have any more of (the thing), maybe you said You hate (the thing), maybe you said Hand me (the thing). All we have established is you mentioned something about THE THING but i have no idea why you brought it up or what you want me to say about it! and ten minutes later no progress has been made because they’re just repeating, yeah! the thing! thats right! so whats the answer?
ARRRRGHHGHHH this is why i wish people wouldn’t talk to me ever!!! it would be so nice to be invisible and go through my day in peace.
I've never bothered with eye contact since highschool. I tell people to tell me when something is a secret.
One thing I think works really well is I find the gossips in a work environment, to get a sort of "intro to office drama" course. And that helps me know who to observe more and preps me for bad interactions. I never take the gossips word for things because of how emotions cloud what people think. But it's a good way to navigate confusing areas.
The gossips love having an audience, they love when you ask questions "I'm not used to this dynamic bc I'm so introverted, how can you tell x person is mean?" And they can help you look for certain cues.
I also, end up making friends with the sarcastic people a lot, they dont need me to be witty, they just neef me to tolerate their jokes. And the fact that I'm never sure if it's a joke or if this is a gap in their intelligence, so I never laugh just in case they'd feel stupid, is somehow ok with them .
(I'm trying to change my world view to understand most sarcastic people will roll with it and make a joke about themselves if they had a stupid moment
I have quite a few autistic traits, but I am very fluent in sarcasm. That’s one reason I’m not convinced that I’m autistic myself. I can read people really well, I just choose not to engage a lot of the time. I know there are a lot of parallels with Autism and OCD. I’m more likely the latter.
Good suggestions. I always looked for the one confidante at a new place, the one who knew all the tea.
oh my god, not knowing if I should laugh because I don't know if it's a joke or they're not aware of what they're saying is so hard...Every political discussion ever it's so hard to tell if people are being serious or not, cause people believe some wild things!
Life has been unbearable and insufferable for me. I lost all my family early in life and found myself alone in a very strange and hateful world. I don't have the extraordinary talents many Autistics are known for. I've been bullied all my life and in every situation to this very day. I cannot understand the lies that other people tell and the manipulation games. Loud noises, souped up cars and other machines send me into a meltdown. I look normal and attract the worst bc everyone thinks I'm a pushover. I've been called names even in public places for no reason because I get amazed with random things and zone in on whatever catches my interest. This is a very cruel world and always a set up and everything is a trap. Others are unfazed, but me, I'm always on the brink of insanity trying to appear 'normal'. I'm not so good at it still.
Don't put too much stock in "those extraordinary talents." For most of us, surviving and thriving is extraordinary enough.
I don't know you but I feel like I understand. Loud music is bad, but TELEVISION is the worst. I have stood outside in storms rather than endure television in doctors' offices. In fact, I choose doctors and dentists and lawyers solely on the quietness of their waiting rooms.
Hey ya, give yourself regular breaks of peace and quiet. Also getting into nature is really calming xxx
You're not alone. It's hard to get by in the world when you're constantly persecuted. When I have a bad day, it's BAD, but I'm learning to navigate that. On the other hand, sometimes I think, 'these people are all trapped on a giant hamster wheel' and at least I'm not on it with them!
I relate a lot to your comment. I wish all of us could have our own The Shire or just a calm nd friendly place. Away and without this normalized apathy/cruelty, without hidden rules and agendas, without meaningless noise... just tranquility and truth...😢
I have recently been diagnosed with ASD and I also have ADHD, you are describing my life perfectly. I have spent my life either thinking I am broken or not understanding why others don’t see the world as I do. Thank you so much for your video.😊
high masking self and late diagnosed person here. My daughter has a diagnosis and I'm debating on seeking one.
One of my problems is I don't understand what/why stuff happens and can't figure out the answer and didn't get a satisfactory answer when I asked. Like it's stuff I should just know. But I don't. Since my husband passed I'm way more stuck, I didn't even realize he was doing that interpretation between the real world and me.
My husband passed away five years ago. I had no idea how dependant I was on him. I'm only just beginning to be able to navigate the world again, but in a much more restricted way than I did when he was around. Even going to the shops on my own is hard, and socialising with anyone other than close family seems impossible. Diagnosed recently aged 64 - it's mind blowing that I've gone through most of my life without knowing.
@@skeovkp48598 Mine passed about 8 months ago. It's been hard. We had a contentious relationship, but we were together for 34 years. It is crazy that we didn't know we are on the spectrum, but then I always remember: when my daughter was diagnosed, it was cause I kept telling the people who were diagnosing her they were wrong until they said it's autism, I went to the library and verified. They said girls don't get autism. I figured maybe she's a tomboy like me. Nah, turns out my mom was great at teaching me to mask, I sucked at it with teaching my daughter.
I feel you both. I also lost my husband six years ago to cancer. I was very much a bullied outsider before I started dating him at 15, but when we were together I was more accepted by our peers. I didn't figure out that I'm very likely neurodivergent until after I had lost him. Now I'm back to being super awkward and spending most of my time alone. I didn't realize just how much I relied on him for our social relationships. Also, I ended up going through an early midlife crisis because I've been trying to figure out who I am without him and without the masking that I didn't realize I was doing. It's definitely been a journey.
@@Brynnthebookworm /virtual hugs
It's tough, it hasn't even been a year for me and every day can vary so much. Fight with disability to get my kid her benefits, I so wished he was here so he could help...
@@nannywhumpers5702 Thanks! /returned virtual hugs
Man, those first 2-3 years were tough. I would burst into tears at the slightest thing. The only thing that kept me going in the first year was focusing on remodeling/ spiffing up our house so I could sell it and move to a cheaper city. And I didn't have any kids to contend with, so you have an extra layer of hard mode.
I just got diagnosed (29F). I thought i was a lot less resilient than everyone else, getting overwhelmed easily and not understanding how people could be so casually cruel when im so openly trying to understand...
I think people get overwhelmed with me because i get too excited to talk about stuff? Especially if its my interests. But i could never keep up with the conversation, couldnt hear everything, couldnt find the right place to through my ideas out without seeming too blunt and rude and ahh...
i knew i was living on hard mode. I cant believe i got a degree while raw dawging my autism like this 😂
IvyHale 😂😂😂 raw dawging!! I'm nearly 60 & look back at the busy, overfilled & stressful life I somehow raw dawged, with wonder. Many NTs couldn't have done it! Would I have been kinder to & more understanding of myself if I'd been diagnosed back then 🤔🤷♂️
Oh boy that 'wave of awesomeness' analogy is such a brilliant way of putting it; I'm going to use that to explain to 'normies' why conversations are tricky. Edit: I have AuDHD, my ADHD does also fire massive waves of comedy awesome-ness (mainly short sketches) that I struggle not to laugh at.
You’re not alone, I do that too! People look at me weird. But if they know me, they look forward to my explanations of it and we have a laugh together. It gets very awkward if I’m in a public place when it happens though.
omg same on the crazy sort sketches, sometimes people will say "why are you like this?" They always laugh though!
Covid lockdown and then getting a fully remote job, then my son getting his diagnosis (he’s autistic and adhd) I slowly realized I was unmasking without realizing it. I just went on a trip to Sicily and the part where you say you startle easy is MY LIFE. I brought my earplugs with me and actually used them multiple times! This is the first time in public as a 34 year old woman. Life saver. I wear Loops for more inconspicuous help and noise cancelling headphones for listening to podcasts when I shop.
Wow, the audio is so much better, no reverb. I usually have to stop watching after a couple of minutes. Thanks!
I agree. No music, no sound effects. It was so much easier to watch and pay attention to
When you talked about missing the fiest part of a sentence I literally out loud yelled, "yes! Yes!" Because that happens to me ALL THE TIME, especially the part where people repeat the last thing they said (aka - the bit I already hear because my brain realized I was being spoken to and awoke from its slumber)
I had no clue this was a thing. Thought something was wrong with me. Nice to know it goes w ASD.
This is so very relateable. I'm only 6 months into discovering that I'm Autistic at 46yo. There is a lot of masking and it is very tiring. I realise that I have to continue masking in order to 'conform', else I am downright rude, and unlike you, I don't have humor on my side. I have become more rude recently. I now don't bother with trying to comply with small talk, I just ignore it. I'm only just coming out of Burnout. Looking back on life through a different lens was a major struggle. If I think about it too much, it is downright depressing. I'm now working on accepting myself for who I am and moving forward in more of a positive way, as apposed to all the negative diagnostic ways.
I believe sensory sensitivity for me it’s the unexpected change of my plans and lack of control.
I can listen Hardcore music blasting in my ears without any issue but when somebody listen any kind of music it triggers me because I have no control over it. Same with the sunlight, I can’t switch it off so it triggers me and gives me headaches. People driving slow, I’m feeling trapped in my own vehicle, I get enraged, punching my car and start crying, sometimes I have to listen to Canon in D for an hour before calming. Also the heath or extreme cold, I can’t control it, the wind 😡 anything. The router stopped working, I once punched so hard to make it work I broke it and my landlord made me paying for it.
Also my masking is more a survival game, I can be extremely cunning (that’s why sometimes I don’t think I’m on the spectrum) and I twist my words to avoid confrontations with my loved ones. I say something, they get angry, I change my words to reflect what they are saying. When I do or say something my mind think of any potential escalation, at the point of using logic to create an entire conversation that has just started and predict how thing could go if I keep talking about that topic, so I could change on the go if I perceive any difference… 🤯🤯
Lack of control is my #1 challenge too. It's why childhood was the worst, but now as an adult I've created my own "fortress of solitude"; a controlled environment with minimal triggers. Life is much better being able to retreat from uncomfortable situations (and allowing myself to do so), and having a home that always feels safe.
I am in a similar boat. I dont mind when other people listen to music, it is when they sing to the song. I am trying to listen shush!
Sunlight and general lights are extremely triggering for me. Dont even get me started on flashing lights.
It is cool to see someone else who is photosensitive too. Always hear about noise sensitivity. ❤
Look up PDA, Pathological (or Persistent) Demand Avoidance. Harry Thompson has a channel with some good info. He's had things to deal with recently, but he has older material that made me recognize myself.
I don't really do rage or meltdowns, but Harry talks about them.
If you're cunning and lack empathy, you could be sociopathic, but from your first paragraph, I think PDA/autism with significant SPD is likely.
Don't mind loss of control at all, and surprises are fine for me. But that last bit about conversation hit home. I can't have a conversation where the other people understand me immediately and I can't automatically adjust because they don't want to hear the truth. Ive learned to mask and cover with humor or just stop completely if the conversation is going off the rails. Like literally just cut off mid sentence and turn and leave.
I relate to so much of this. I wouldn’t say you’re not on the spectrum just because you can manipulate people and situations to deescalate conflict. As someone who lives with someone with anger issues and possibly is a narcissist too, I do the same thing all the time. It sounds way more like a trauma response than evidence against being autistic. It takes a very analytical interpersonal mind to know how people tick, and I actually think that level of masking around those kinds of people is a lot of work that I’m guessing neurotypical people either don’t have as hard of a time with, or don’t care to do because fawning to someone with a short fuse isn’t worth it to them because it doesn’t continue to wear on their own mental health when someone is mean or nasty to them.
To me, small talk never made much sense. I enjoy driving, and when I have company in my car, I don't mind silence. I really like to be into my thoughts and the road. However, I understand that for many people, silence can feel awkward, and to erase this feeling I usually unload a good amount of disconnected subjects into a conversation.
Until my early 20s, I didn't mind silence.
But people told so many time me I was so awkward by being fine with silence, that I started to feel uncomfortable too with silence. So now, for 10 years or so, I try to do small talk. But I can't do small talk; no matter what, the conversation soesn't click, but I can't stop, I just can't, I have to try to fit. So I'm uncomfy with silence and totally stressed by small talk...
I would like to enjoy silence again. 😢
@@grenade8572 I will use myself as an example. When I stopped thinking, "Oh, you need to say something!" and stopped forcing myself, I began to feel comfortable, and the conversations started to flow naturally. Pushing myself had been creating a negative feedback loop. Nowadays, the conversations might not even be connected to the subjects I initially bring up, but... at least my subconscious is accepting that I tried so that negative feeling is not an issue anymore.
For me, it's been a joy to enjoy both silence and sounds. After being paired with different coaches over the years for training on my "anger management" and "self hurt," my favorite part of all the training I've been through are sitting somewhere outside in silence on a blanket, only birds and water rushing about is nice. Being submerged in the pool or the river, pure silence, but you can hear your heart beating and ear temples. And then there's wintertime, indoors listening to music or podcasts, enjoying hot chocolate, semi silence, but good vibes going on.
I have been through loud sounds over years of training, and my ears burn. I really can't. It's important to know how to live with sounds and silence, as long as it is pleasant to you, of course.
❤
Silence is probably the reason I'm still single. It sucks. But it's comfortable.
@johnclapshoe8059 Even my phone is on silence most of the time. I barely look at it or glance at it unless it's an important call, of course. I wish more people enjoyed silence, which is very pleasant.
For the last 23 years I’ve thought everything about me was fundamentally wrong. It was drilled into me that I wasn’t autistic by my dad, so I grew up for years and years thinking I was just built from less quality material than everyone else. I recently looked over my medical notes from a 5250, diagnosed with autism off the get go. So that’s why he still kept me from getting a therapist I suppose, I was never told until now.
These describe my experiences to a near T. The thoughts, masking. I’m not fundamentally flawed after all. I was just different the whole time. God.
Wow, that is a heavy load to process. I hope you can get some explanations & understanding from your Dad (if you want them & communicatng is possible)
You mentioned that taking to strangers stresses you out. For me this is actually really nice. I like to get to know new people, even more when the conversation goes deep quite fast. But what scares me is when someone gets to know me better because I think they might not like me with all of my facets (and struggles).
But this might change with time the more I get to know my true self and the less I mask.
Hello Dande_lion, I love your user name! 😊 I have found ways to speak to strangers, too, and go into indept conversations, such as life, finances, politics, travel, or my own interests or other interesting topics.
I guess it's easier because after that interaction, I won't see that person again. But they have left, or I have left a positive mark in their minds.
People think I'm being funny, but I'm not really funny at all. I stutter and fumble up words. Or state something that's on my mind (and suddenly it's out of their minds, too). Lol!
My safe words when I'm stressed out are Yelp, Howwie! and Yellop! (Hello!). My small circle of friends finds it funny every time. If you don't mind, what are your safe words?
@@hameley12 "I guess it's easier because after that interaction, I won't see that person again. But they have left, or I have left a positive mark in their minds."
Exactly.
Regarding safe words: I never thought of them outside the bedroom before. But might be worth developing some. But just as now, most people around me would not understand the need of that anyways.
@@dande_lion After my last kidnapping, my coach gave me two words to use in case I need to leave a short message or give over the phone. 😄 And years ago, a wacko shot at me, I ended up in the hospital and had no way of sending out an SOS message (prior to mobile phones) to my family or my coach. I was in the ER on my own for three days 'til they found me.
Anyways, amongst friends to have a safe word whenever I am exhausted or overwhelmed (insert word), and they know I've had enough excitement and I'm going home. It has def helped in different situations.
@@hameley12 Oh, that sounds awful. Guess I am lucky I didn't experience something like that (so far).
Will definitely think about safe words to use with friends and family. But the biggest to manage is making them understand why this is needed - and for me to realize that I indeed can leave if neccessary and have not to push through to satisfy others and appear normal.
@dande_lion My conversation with my small circle of friends took three sessions, with my family (bigger circle, the ones who still talk to me) it took four months. And passerbyers that's the largest circle, they don't know these words.
It began with me explaining why I feel safer with them (friends), why I trust them, and what I love about them. Then, they shared their own safe words with us. But it def took three meetings for them to let down their guard. Some people will take longer. That's okay.
In the third session, Michael told them why I would be needing some alone time after a party, a job, or social interactions. Amazingly, some of my own friends shared that they hated being around large crowds. It made me feel safer to know they do understand.
So it really depends on the people you surround yourself with who will understand why these safe words exist, why they are in place, and them sharing their own with you. Hope this helps. Take care of yourself always.
So appreciate your covering this list. I’m an 83 year old neurotypical married to a 78 year old on the spectrum. Just last year he self diagnosed. That put 50 years of confusion into perspective, an entry into a world we had never understood. Thank you for the introspection it has taken to be able to convey your own struggles so that we who are just beginning the process can learn how we might navigate this new journey.
The only place for me to safely unmask or fully stim is at home. Depending on where I am out of my house, I can get away with either singing or reciting lines from something.
I have about ten songs that go through my head on repeat, lol.
Dang. I miss the first part of what someone says to me, too. I had no idea that happens to other people. And, yes, it's very frustrating when they only repeat the later part. I keep reminding my wife to please say my name first, and wait for me to acknowledge, before continuing to talk to me; it's still hit or miss.
Your "riding the wave" observation hits home, too. When I was younger, my brain would record what the other person was saying (very much like an old telephone answering machine), and I could "rewind" and play it back later (seconds, minutes, hours...). Alas, that has gotten harder as I've gotten older.
"White lies" are a pet peeve of mine. The whole premise is absurd. But it also causes problems with me trying to learn social cues. Just when I think I've figured one out ("I think you're mad at me."), someone will tell me a white lie ("No, I'm not mad.") -- or at least I think they're lying. Then I second guess my "reading" of the social cue, don't trust myself, and just go quiet.
Honestly, all that subtext is difficult for foreigners to understand too. So, I just take people at their word. And often will tell them. I don't play guessing games, so if you have a problem with me, let me know, otherwise I'll assume everything is fine.
I'm proud of you on admitting your struggles, Chris. A lot of what you say really resonates with me as I also struggle with social anxiety even with people I'm familiar with.
This is really good as someone who is late diagnosed at 46 and high masking with AuADHD i really do struggle with some of these things, especially related to communication and in all honesty as I get older it gets worse because now I just dont see the point interacting with most people. It often feels like a fine line of balance between sanity and insanity.
Anyone else notice the mosquito on his face around 6:59? Not related to the topic at hand, but I could not stop staring at the mosquito.
Just posted a similar comment before I saw yours! Great video, but also a gigantic mosquito. I expected him to black out due to blood loss at some point 😮
I couldn't follow his monologue anymore. Had to re-watch the section three times and close my eyes to actually listen.
Yeah, it was there from the start of that segment from 6:44.
My eyes got double wide and audibly gasped, "Oh my god". Paused the video and immediately Ctrl+F'd for mosquito and yeah. Hey, everyone. 😅
@@joespkr8715 I had to look away in order to listen. I tried over and over and just couldn't focus LOL
YEAY! Great video!!!
Opening packages feels like HELL to me. The fiddly stuff, the packaging, the mess, the having to sort the recycling, the needing to LEARN how to operate said item... why ARE things so hard to open?!
"I get away with it because I'm funny." Story of my life, Chris. Although like you I'm not trying, I'm probably just making a genuine observation....
PS Loving the bloopers :-D xx
I know I order things then get overwhelmed by the aspect of putting them together, so they sit in boxes in my living room until I can convince one of my adult children to do it.
Did not even know that I could be autistic as an adult. Did not have diagnosis until over 60. Agree about how much energy it takes to mask and the small talk thing is such a difficulty. When other people walk up to a group talking the "circle" opens and they are allowed in. Not me. I end up walking away so much of the time.
This happens to me so often! It hurts so much. I should watch when other people do this…what’s the “tell” that I’m getting wrong??!
@@JMA864 omg same, I always wonder why they don't want to invite me in, I'm super nice and friendly, I guess maybe because I'm a large man with a beard maybe I look intimidating? I always try to put on a smile when I'm in public, I've noticed people respond better when I feign the pleasantries like "how are you doing?" "lovely weather" and all that, especially a little smile helps make people more understanding.
Double down on that tsunami of ideas with the constant monolog that I have in my head because I ALSO have aphantasia (no ability to visualize in my mind). So instead of the visualize onslaught of ideas and tangents I have this monolog onslaught of ideas and random tangents all talking over the conversation I'm supposed to be listening to!!
YESSSS
Love the question boards at the end of the first segment. All questions I wrestle with every day.
Meltdown? I wish. I'm never in a place where I can just let go of the control.
This is a really good way of communicating my issues with people in general.
I still to this day can't pinpoint where people go wrong and I end up leaving the room.
Thanks Chris and Debby. This is the most helpful channel for navigating a "mixed marriage". I'm really looking forward to watching this video with my husband and unpacking some of the implications. I think the part where you give him permission to not take things personally is going to help the most. I can have social anxiety even anticipating him coming home if I'm in burnout mode, and that's very hurtful to him. But the need for full and complete solitude is real, and it's not about him, it's about any human. Even the cat asking for a treat can feel like too much social interaction some days. It is what it is. Pretending otherwise just adds to the burnout.
If someone’s talking to me during an announcement over the speakers, I fundamentally cannot listen to either. The words turn into noise. I also hate loud music. I understand how people can enjoy it, but the music is like a giant hand that reaches out and keymashes my emotion-board in my head
Humor is my secret weapon too! I very often say things that I think are totally innocuous, but people interpret as salacious. It’s mortifying. Ive started doing that on purpose as a joke as a sort of defense mechanism. Like a “haha I got you, get your mind out of the gutter” kind of thing
Two insights have really made a difference for me lately. They are, 1) Matrixlessness, and 2) Private masking.
Both help me to get a handle on sooo much of my life experience, both the outward kind and the inner, visceral kind.
About the first.... I've come irresistibly to the conclusion that intrinsic to autism is the absence of a perceptive-cognitive matrix. The absence is relative, sometimes more, sometimes less (very possibly the degree of absence determines how "high-functioning" one is), but in all cases of autism there is some degree of matrix deficit.
I could go on and on about what I mean by this, but here's one short illustration instead. When my elementary school teacher would get frustrated with me over my incapacity to process arithmetic she'd finally, nearly, yell, "56! FIFTY-SIX! 8x7 is 56!!!" Two things I could not process: 1) why this was so important to her, and, 2) why the answer being 56 today meant it would still be the answer tomorrow. I totally lacked an inner schematic, a matrix, to plug these pieces into.
This absence of a matrix is something I also conceptualize as "matrix amnesia." It's why every sortie to the supermarket is kind of like the first time you've ever gone to a supermarket all over again. Not that you really forget the basic routine: pick up merchandise, go to checkout, pay, leave store. Of course not. But there's a deeper level at which the entire construction, the surface manifestation of it all, is like something you've never assimilated before and from which YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT.
Matrix amnesia seems so obviously to be behind hyper-sensitivity, too. You're at church in the social hall with a hundred other people, already struggling from hearing a hundred people talking at once, and then some child lets out a typical childish shriek. And unlike everybody else who seems barely to notice, you nearly leap out of your shoes? Why? Because it's like part of your brain--not the intellectual part that knows these things happen, but some other part in control of your responses--had no idea anything like such a shriek could occur, and immediately you are thrown into crisis mode.
Which is why autistic masking is light-years remote from the pose of a hypocrite or con man. Sure, there are people who adopt a persona and maintain it for years, decades. But autistic masking is an immediate, inwardly breathless scramble to improvise just to survive the moment. And of course the most profound difference: run-of-the-mill social phoniness is an attempt to get noticed and come out ahead in the social dance. Autistic masking is a scramble NOT to stick out and just to survive till you can git outta there.
That's matrixlessness, or matrix autism. The other is Private Masking. And that one's the killer.
Deep autistic masking doesn't stop the moment you've escaped the crush and press of the crowd. Even in your most private solitude, right there inside your body and soul, you are still, viscerally, over-regulating, artificially conditioning and manufacturing the "right" feelings and responses and "postures," expectations and values that the neurotypical world has blasted to you that EVERY NORMAL PERSON HAS INSIDE. Therefore you must and you will. All. The. Time. You're constantly working on yourself, in essence driving yourself toward your own (inaccurate) phantom of neurotypical-ness, so you hardly need a neurotypical crowd around you to make it worse.
It's this "private masking" that wreaks such desperate long-term damage, quite literally to your guts, your nerves, your psyche.
In the year-plus-some since my autism discovery I've been shedding incalculable layers of influences, impressions, "ghosts" and false values, the accretions of a lifetime's worth of both public and private masking. It has been like meeting my eight-year-old self again, underneath all that. And he smiled at me and said, "I've been waiting for you, what took you so long?"
I love this insight!
Yes, I think the Private Masking starts as a form of practicing a skill. Just that it's a toxic skill. But I bet the same muscles you used to do it before are coming in handy in the process of practicing un-masking. The noticing (this time, of inner dynamics) and practicing respecting them and trying out different ways to respond to them. Warm regards to you and your eight year old self.
Thanks so much for taking the time to share so much so eloquently, Ken! (If you're writing a book, consider this my pre-order. Or if you're on Threads or somewhere else, I'd love to follow more of your writing.)
I'm so glad you talked about why learning math was hard. It's literally a grief in my life that I couldn't learn basic math skills, because at some level I'm aware that there is this profound beauty that is shut out from me. The matrix concept helps so much! WHY is it 56? What are we using that information for? If I fail to mindlessly memorize that it is 56, what skills can you give me to figure it out on my own next time?
And yes, private masking! Never thought about it. I'm all alone on a Saturday, and I'm thinking, "what would a respectable mid-50s woman be doing in this situation" instead of just acting however I want to act. Why is that a consideration? But I never really noticed that I was thinking like that before. Like, do I think someone is going to give me a failing mark on how I spent my Saturday?
@@DharleneValeda Exactly, Dharlene, that's it exactly! You really gave words in such a relatable way to what I was trying to say. Thank you!
@@Judymontel Thank you! You're right. The ramifications of a lifetime's struggle to survive an incomprehensible matrix are certainly far from categorically negative. One does grow strong, after all, in intensely inward and (autistically) unique ways. That strength then comes in hugely handy after your autism realization when you set yourself to the tasks of deconstruction and new construction.
Omg I relate SO MUCH to literally all of this!!!! I srsly have lived my 51 years thinking I am the only person living *this* life experience!!!! I have no words for how this feels, to hear another person speak my own reality to me before I try to explain it in attempts to relate & connect socially first.
Literally, I am at a complete loss for words rn & feel understood & heard for THE first time in my life - & if you knew me, the very idea of me being at a loss for words wouldn't be reconcilable with the very Me of ME!!!
THANK YOU!!!! ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
This is the first vid I've watched of yours, but I've liked & subscribed & set notifications to "all", *&* I'm prolly gonna be binge watching SO MUCH more of your content today.
I like to quote Shakespeare's Hamlet at times like this:
"Words! Words! Words!"
💓💓💓💓💓💗
THANK YOU!!!!!!
I went shopping to Aldi the day before yesterday. Yesterday I was completely shut down. A hot bath and sleeping helped. Lesson - never go to Aldi again. Diagnosed recently aged 64 and so only now realising why these things are so hard.
When I didn't want to be around people but needed food,, I went thru aldi with my corded ear phones on listening to music I like to help drown out the other people and energy, its how I set me to me instead of them. With the cord they see it,, and leave me alone. Hope this helps, it was a game changer for me.
I always go to supermarkets with my sunglasses on so that the environment isn't as bright, I also try my best to go when I think there will be less people
@@LunarWind99 Yes I always go early to avoid people. There's just something about Aldi, other supermarkets aren't quite as bad.
@@evilbarbie2160 Thank you, I'll try that.
Some other supermarkets are adopting "sensory hours" usually early morning. They will either shut off music and or turn the lighting down by half in the majority of the store.
Holy shit. Everything you said is me. My wife once asked if I was autistic and I just laughed, but the more I’ve looked into it the more it seems likely and would explain so many difficulties I’ve had before
I've learned to smile a lot. Even if I'm not feeling it. I try not to talk too much. The less you say, the less criticism you get. If I feel like I'm going to melt down, I remove myself as quickly as I can and cool down before returning. I am in a better place now that my husband has passed. Not putting him down, but he was difficult, then got a brain tumour. My kids have autism too. So I have to just put up with what life throws at me. I am private and try hard not to overshare and bore people.
I appreciate how clearly you explained these things. Masking is deeply exhausting and I feel more empowered in and understanding of the struggles I have with it. I recognize more of just how many small, accumulative ways it all adds up to be the deep level of frustration that it is.
One thing I like about having a techie job is that most people instinctively begin any new conversation by saying the name of the person they want to start talking with, instead of just talking to the air and expecting that the correct individual (out of maybe 10 people there) will know it's for them.
I love the decor of the room you are in. "Normies" might say the room lacks decor. They are wrong. It's just the right amount. (In overly decorated rooms I find myself saying to myself, "OK, that's gotta go, that's gotta go, that's gotta go, and that wallpaper... what were you thinking?")
When you ask them to "say it again" add in "from the top" to your request. It helps me alot.
Super relatable. My main coping strategy is living alone, but there are times I really wish I didn’t have to do it all
I was trying to read the questions on the card and you moved them so fast, that I couldn’t hear the rest of the video! I wasn’t in a position to pause the video and that is also extremely annoying to do! I do find it strange that autistic/ND people do things that make it hard for other autistics like forced captions on the screen and moving placards really fast. We have processing issues dude 😂 please slow down!
Sorry about that!! I understand about the processing speed 😂😂 Sure not trying to annoy anyone. Appreciate your feedback and will make adjustments with this kind of thing in the future.
@@ChrisandDebby I couldn't keep up either but it must be REALLY difficult to find the 'line of best fit' to accommodate the maximum number of people's needs when making videos & I think it's admirable you're trying to, in addition to working with (& having others understand) your own. Respect
Those questions at the first almost made me cry as I sit here exhausted before I even start my day with many of them on my mind. *hugs*
I have a coworker who continues to talk WELL AFTER she’s gotten her point across but no matter how much I show I understand, she doesn’t. Stop. TALKING. And this bothers me more because I’m usually in the middle of a time-sensitive task when she does it. We work at a daycare, so I can’t sit and chat because I have to keep the kids from killing each other. But I can’t cut her off because then I’m rude so I’m ROOTED in the spot until she stops and it’s PAINFUL
this is my mom😭 i force myself to hold my tongue but i just want her to STOP TALKING, especially on car rides. she knows i prefer my car rides to be in silence while i listen to music with my headphones, and yet she still fills the space with small talk for some reason and expecting me to reply to every little thing she says. i’ve never understood it and it honestly just pisses me off, but i can’t say anything because then she’ll just get mad and talk even MORE and yell
Something a lot of autistic people struggle with is saying "no".
You can just tell someone "I gotcha, I'd keep listening but I am kinda busy" and they will just go "oh yeah gotcha" and will literally be okay.
They want to talk and will repeat themselves, if it's getting too much, stop them. It's entirely possible. It can be difficult though, a lot of autistic people have social anxiety in addition to everything else
Oh you met my mum....
I hope in the future we are going to have a complete different name for high masking autistic people. I get discredited every time I say I am diagnosed as autistic person because I don’t look like one. I have a regular life apparently, but the struggle is real. Every point in this video resonates with me.
I believe there’s a completely different diagnosis for high masking, because at the end of the day no one can say we are disabled in any way. It’s more of a matter of raising awareness that everyone is different and we cannot conform with a standard of what is proper or not. Whoever came up with the idea of “common sense” left out everyone else besides themselves.
We are key to bring people out of the delusion that the system imposes to the average population. There is no average in fact.
YESYESYES. Diagnoses have charged so much in my lifetime, and I know we are not there yet. Things will look so different in another hundred years. As neuroscience gradually replaces observation and theory, I kind of expect that blanket diagnoses will be replaced with neural profiles based on the specifics of a person’s brain physiology. One of the reasons that it gets so confusing is that, for example, there are probably only so many ways for a brain to register anxiety, whatever the diagnosis.
In the meantime, I’m gradually going back to calling myself an Aspie, which is what I would have been diagnosed with had it happened in
my thirties. I can see some reasons why it was replaced with ASD, and there are some benefits to this approach, but it has also unleashed a torrent of conflict. I’m tired of hearing that I “don’t look autistic” - that may fade with time and education, but I don’t think the parents of type 3 kids will ever stop feeling invalidated by us, and insisting that we are “faking it” at their kids’ expense. I understand why they might feel that emotion, but we did not invent this system of classification. Aspie was still in broad use until a few years ago, when revelations about Asperger came out. I get that he was a terrible person, but I’m tired of throwing myself on a grenade because of that. I’ll be using Aspie at least some of the time from now on.
@@jimwilliams3816 I still use the term Aspie for that reason. That was my diagnosis, and it described my issues better than the current definitions, so I'm sticking with what works. The fact that it's named after a person who did some very bad things doesn't disqualify the accuracy of the syndrome described.
But I can see how the average neurotypical would value protecting sensitive feelings over accurate diagnoses. /s
I think in the current model it's levels of autism, like level 1, 2, and 3. I believe level 1 autism is what was previously defined as aspergers, but they moved away from that term because of the absolutely horrendous person Asperger himself was, and how horrific his practices were. (Forced sterilization and literally sending autistic people to Nazi death camps.)
Aspie was still in pretty common use, even after the changes in DSM 5, and yes, I’d say it was the revelations about Asperger that really caused it to fall out of use. I eschewed the term for some time because of these, but the personal downsides have grown too onerous. “Type 1” vs Type 2 is too subtle and technical a distinction, so I hear from parents that I am a poseur who is invalidating their struggles. I hear from psychiatrists that I am “not what they were taught to diagnose as ‘autism’.” “High/low functioning” is also despised in the community, and rightly so. Many dislike “high/low masking,” and it doesn’t resonate with me TBH.
So I’m tired of feeling like I’m painting a bullseye on myself by suggesting I’m “autistic” in many settings. I’m not ashamed of calling myself autistic, and I feel kinship for people on the spectrum. But IMO the ASD system simply is not working in the popular culture.
So I will use Aspie when I feel it’s appropriate, political correctness be damned. At least until there are decent alternatives.
I think the frustration tolerance part is largely linked to how "just try again - and it will work", "practice makes perfect" and (worst of all) "learning from feedback" just... maybe not don't work at all, but certainly tend to work in a way that mismatches regular expectations (and thus collides with established learning infrastructure).
Most of that I started realizing after reading an article (can't recall what it was called, no idea where to find it, not even fully sure what language I read it in...) on animal training and how it also applies to humans. Reading that, I totally realized I'm not compatible with this sort of training.
Sometimes, when task is clearly defined and I have enough data in advance, I can just figure most of it out right away and resolve smaller issues in the process - completely avoiding the struggles others stumble upon. But that creates unrealistic expectations for the things that don't work this way - including problems with asking dor help (others get impression you never need help; also, when you really need help, they usually can't provide the help you actually need - so it discourages asking for it even more).
Result: most things fall into 2 categories: either accomplished with barely any visible struggle (nobody sees the 300% mental effort poured into figuring it out on the fly - and why I might need to blank out after that), or they just don't work without some fundamental adjustments no matter the struggle.
Others see it as "low frustration tolerance" and "quitting at the first signs of difficulty". For me, it's recognizing this isn't working and refusing to proceed with sunk cost fallacy without proper explanation of the big picture.
But applying the "animal training" approach is the recipe for disaster:
There is apparently a component of somewhat conscious variability expected for the method to work. If you tell me to try again without explaining what needs to be adjusted, I'll do exactly the same thing within the precision of my performance (or even perception). You won't get the variance to give feedback on - and if some fluctuation happens, I won't be able to tell where it stems from or how to reliably repeat it (and it ends up in the inconsistent feedback territory).
Practice... well, some things may require more practice than usual to polish the reflexes. If you proceed to the next step the moment the previous one starts somewhat working, expecting the regular level of practice to finalize the previous step, sooner or later it may grow into a huge mess that starts backfiring everywhere because half the steps aren't polished enough to work together at this demand (getting driving license was a total mess... haven't even used it since)
I, personally, also have near zero ability to measure negative feedback. And if it's not clear if a small adjustment is asked for or half the thing isn't workable - when you get me to deliberately add variability in the search of right solution, it will likely be so all over the place, that all the attempts will end up even worse. (plus, anxiety goes off the scale)
And finally, when adding steps one-by-one without giving the full picture in advance, it may end up with the existing steps already being 120% (because there was no indication what total demand to optimize them for) and you planning to add 5 more things on top. Sooner or later, I'll just get mad at you for lying about the total scale of assignment. And throw half of it back in your face. And delete the empty formalities altogether.
Thank you for your channel. It is helping me a lot and making me feel less alone. 💕
Thanks for this insight, Chris. As someone with untreated ADHD and GAD my whole life, masking became my way of life and survival. I'm going through therapy and coaching in hopes of dropping the mask over time. Being easier on myself through the process has been key. The amount of self-awareness you have to understand your challenges is amazing. I hope to get there some day.
This is really good. Short videos are great for us with less attention span. I dont evwn know how I mask or fully understand it. What I DO know is that stimming is generally only at home. Once I realize what I am doing, I grab the stress bal or a fidget toy. Because I now know what I am doing, it seems creepy to rub my race, neck, etc.
This is also a great cideo for autistics to understand what thry need in a relationship.
I statted erimenopause qbout a year ago, and thats when my behaviors and memory issues seemed to get really bad. I dont know how I would navigate with anyone but my husband of 29 years. We have been through a lot, so this wont stop us!
Thank you for your content!
Ooooh! I noticed that my struggles got worse starting in my late 40's. In my early 50's, I got diagnosed with obstructive sleep apnea. I assumed that the apnea and lack of oxygen killed off a bunch of brain cells. Now I'm wondering if there's an age-related physical change in men that might exacerbate autistic challenges.
@@markday3145 yes, I have sleep apnea. I was 48, but knew it was an issue for years. I am 52 now. I do think there is research suggesting links between estosterone levels and symptoms seeming worse.
There is def a connection with hormone imbalances, as they affect SO much of our chemistry @@markday3145
I'm 57 and officially diagnosed AuDHD, uh, yesterday. 6___9 (I always knew something was 'wrong' and began suspecting Autism a few years ago.)
"Shifting Allistic Expectations" of myself is my current struggle. Noticing that I'm in pain and exhausted before it gets unbearable; determining why it's happening; and resolving it so I can avoid the problem in the future. I feel tired just thinking about how much work this is going to be. So, thank you (and other Autistic creators) for blazing paths in the foggy wilderness.
This is so relatable. People always tell me I'm funny. I think what's actually happening is I was unaware socially. I always tell the truth and I'm kind and that's what gets me through.
Learning I have autism (at 40) helped me cut back on my dysfunctional substance use and made me more accepting of the traits that I struggled with for so many years. Knowing that there are others out there that share some of these attributes makes it feel less alienating and I’m so grateful for the awareness I’ve gained through video like these and the people who comment. 💕
I agree with a few other comments, thank you for not adding music! It makes the video so much easier to process and less overwhelming. Great content, I related so much to everything you said lol!
As a fellow AuDHDer, I think my two biggest struggles are 1) interruptions and 2) getting my energy depleted. 2) is in a big part caused by 1). I work in IT and we have a lot of meetings and people calling and sending IMs. The constant interruptions are so exhausting and kill my productivity. Working from home has made it easier as at least I don't get interrupted by other people's conversations.
I'm really laughing a lot,you're so funny. At the same time I feel the pain of all of these things you talk about, literally physically. The constant distraction, the fear of being lost or not finding a place....I had an amazing day yesterday and I met three really, really nice and funny people. In the evening, I waa lying on the sofa and my husband was extremely worried because I was in severe physical pain
Thanks! Your content is my favorite ❤
Thanks so much for the support and also for this comment!!! We appreciate having you here - let us know if you have suggestions for topics you’d like to see us discuss too!
Excellent pacing and editing. Beautiful explanations. I'm well impressed with the videos you make. AND I learn more about myself and others. Subscribed.
OK, a little pointer. Many people who are autistic have slow processing speed, and you had your signs flash by so quickly that no one could even read that fast. Please slow it down next time. Thank you. And I really do like your videos.
Yes, we will work on that part in editing next time! Thanks for being here 😊
I was looking for someone who commented on that. I noticed how fast the signs flashed by, and yes, they _were_ too fast; but I don't think that's a bad thing. It makes for an excellent visual demonstration of what "disruptive thoughts" can be like; trying to read, but before you're finished the next one is already smash-cut right in front of you. Then you try to read that one, but it flash to the next one too fast. I thought it was an _outstanding_ visual metaphor for what it's like for thoughts to just constantly jump in and out of active thought. Imagine trying to do or focus on anything while the ideas are "flashing by" in your head too fast to properly take in, but are there just long enough to get your attention. You know it was _something,_ and you kind of want to go back and see what it was, or slow it down, but you can't do that for a racing brain.
At first I thought it was done deliberately, but given the reply, it looks like he didn't even realize his own genius... I guess the idea flashed by too fast for him to notice it. I'd suggest you incorporate *even more* visual metaphors like that; ways to demonstrate how difficult it is to do a typical, routine, mundane task (for a neurotypical, anyway) when your brain is being uncooperative.
Me, too. Came to the comments to see if I was the only one.
@@omargoodman2999 love this interpretation!
Being required to attend meetings that I don't see any value in is a huge trigger for me... I do a lot of praying for cancellations. And I also figure out ways to get out of it. Keeping my hands busy during meetings is helpful stimming, when I can do it without getting caught
when I see your car ... I could never find my car again in a parking lot 🤣 When someone is pointing on something with their finger I also have troubles finding that ... I always say: "what do you mean?" I feel stupid 🤣
@@anjachan ahh yes, finding the car. I try to park in the same vicinity every time. And our cars are different in color and style, which helps. When we had the black SUV, ugh! How many times I tried to get in someone else's 🤣
@@TheVOLTAGEVIDEOS I know that feeling. it´s so embarrassing 🤣
@anjachan ah well two ways of looking at it. Nobody really notices, and its not like I know many people. I don't hang out with coworkers, and we have only been here 6 years. 😁
Sometimes when I'm greeting a person whether stranger or acquaintance, I can avoid masking by feeling/thinking "Open, Welcome," and then focusing on them. Agape. It's like an instant little attitude adjustment that sort of shifts my perspective so instead of feeling stressed or alarmed by the "intrusion," I feel calm, interested, expectant. I choose to really care. I'm not worried about what they think of me. I'm not putting on a show. Most of the time, not always, that allows me to have a pleasant interaction that leaves me feeling okay and seems to satisfy them as well. I don't need to do this with people who know me well, although it does improve the interaction then too if I do. These encounters are generally short, 5 to 20 minutes. If it goes on too long, sensory issues start requiring me to go soothe and then I'll excuse myself with love. Again it's not them I'm trying to convince that I'm feeling loving toward. It's me. It's how I FEEL. Their reaction to me is not the reason I'm doing it. I'm not faking it. I'm choosing to send them love in my heart. And then I'm not exhausted because I've been mirroring or trying to present a certain facade or behave a certain way. Like I said, it doesn't always work, but much of the time it does. I learned it by watching a high-functioning autistic.
I have no idea how to stop having neurotypical expectations of myself. not only audhd ,but also some physical/immune issues. and perfectionism.
luckily i'm fairly good at conversations - well, as long as the conversation isnt focused on putting people down or a show i dont watch.
Omg i get frustrated with studying and work when its too hard or too boring and then i shut down and cant study or work for at least 20 minutes but possibly 2 days.
worst thing for me on a walk is scented fabric softener wafting out of peoples houses.
also best part - hubby doesnt like socializing either so we just stay home
Oh my god, the smell of dryers, YES! Both my wife and I have always been sensitive to scents. Manufactured stuff is the worst, but I also can’t have most flowers in the house.
Sometimes I want to throw up when I’m with a group of people. Hearing every conversation and being unable to focus on just one, the horror of music playing too loud, people laughing abruptly, feeling like i have to moderate my body language and facial expression, it is so overwhelming for me. I had all of this reminded to me recently at a 4th of July party, and I felt so bad because I wanted to engage and have fun, but I just couldn’t.