Why High Masking Autistics Struggle
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- Опубліковано 30 чер 2024
- Many late-diagnosed autistic adults have lived a lifetime masking - hiding their autistic tendencies, sometimes even to themselves. However, masking is harder than it seems and the toll is physically and mentally exhausting. It’s even been linked to a number of health risks that I’ll talk about in an upcoming video.
But what do high masking autistic people struggle with, and why is it so hard? Can it get better? Whether you're an autistic person trying to improve your life or someone who wants to support an autistic friend or loved one, we’ve got ideas for you. And if you’re a high masking autistic, what do you struggle with? What have you done to support yourself? Share your thoughts, ideas, and questions in the comments! ⤵️
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📌 Timestamps:
0:00 Intro
0:19 Expectations of Autistic vs. Non-Autistic Society - Shifting Allistic Expectations
1:46 Communication Challenges - Especially with Non-Autistics
4:49 Hidden Challenges That Other People Don’t Seem to Have
6:38 The Struggles Below the Surface
8:11 How to Help
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If you're a high-masking and/or late-diagnosed autistic adult, what are some of your struggles? And have you found anything that helps?
I solved most of this stuff by depersonalizing and dissociating. Which is to say that I don't handle it very well at all, but getting an appropriate diagnosis and support is far harder than it should be just because of how internalized it is.
And one of the "great" things about not having top down perception sometimes is that things seem to make sense at the moment, but then are completely confusing a few minutes later when it starts to process.
Heya Chris, thanks for this, I can't get diagnosed cz it means I get very shit rights in my current situation hahha so your vids help heh thanks
Would you be willing to read my book 'Living with Autism Undiagnosed '
I'd love your feedback on it.
Sometimes when somebody is saying something to me I only hear maybe 3 or 4 words if they're talking a lot especially if I'm focused on something else
Of all the ones you mentioned, only my solution to where the car is parked comes to mind. Either it's parked as far away from the access door as possible (and, therefore, usually in plain view) or I have paid attention to and stored away such things as "the more left row from the H when facing the building." Also, since diagnosis, I have gone back to spending oodles of time by myself---even though I'm married. There are rules for how to approach me when I'm off doing something by myself and he's learned them---for the most part.
Oh, yes, and I'm funny. People often are spitting their guts with laughter as I go on. I had always thought that it was what I call The Jester Syndrome. That is, the jester was usually incredibly observant and the matter-of-fact presentation of the true situation is so ridiculous that we laugh, but also realise how cuttingly true it is. And, we remember what was presented because it made us laugh. At least, that's how it looks to me. I noticed it first when I bought a really crappy umbrella in Calgary and was telling the person who was with me---and watching the crappy umbrella, too---"Look! Who'd have expected it to be that totally crappy" or some such. She split a gut throughout the story that she was a part of by standing and watching me fight the crappy umbrella. I wasn't trying to be funny. I was exasperated by the cruelty of the crappy umbrella.
Missing the first part of the first sentence! Wow, it's not just me! Thanks for that one. :-)
"I just don't understand Why they talk so much about absolutely nothing important" God, that resonated with me so much
Honestly, I just think that people talk for the talking. The same way I look at pictures just for that or my sister goes hiking just for the sake of being hiking.
I don't really have a different explanation, but then again, I am often times so overly talkative that people struggle to shut me up. And because i have so many different interests and so much knowledge, i usually find a topic with almost anyone.
Which makes it even Mor euncomfortable if i dont' find something to talk about with someone.
And it's even more frustrating when they just do it in the middle of a grocery store aisle or something.
Go outside or something. Stop annoying everyone else.
I always felt like an asshole for not wanting to hear people’s stories. It has been a real struggle with my father. He is getting older and doing that thing where he repeats stories which sets my brain on fire.
I'm an Australian postman.. And that's what it's like in my office.. Everyone talk and laughs about things that seem so puerile - or totally unimportant... Even the manager comes out and does a group meeting then most of what he says sounds like guff... It's as if he gets paid to waste our time.. I'd rather be working than listening to useless conversations...
Yesss
“People talk so long about absolutely nothing” hit home! I have that thought so many times a day. 😂
Thank you for not adding music!
Right? For a little while there there was a trend to have short videos about ADHD where the point of the video was text on the screen, but there would also be music with competing lyrics (or a semi-related audio clip from a movie/TV show) and a video of someone dancing with a cyclorama color overlay.
Made me seriously doubt that the makers were ND.
As an actor, it’s wild to see how a lifetime of observation and pretend due to my autism gave me all my acting skills from being a high masker - downside: figuring out who I am under it all ♥️ thank you!
This is super interesting as ive had a theory that all this masking makes a great actor and then find out that so many people in the arts are neuro diverse
Yes! Henry, I had this realization myself this year. I'm an INCREDIBLE mimic and can camelion myself into any role... but... who am I? I am only JUST beginning to figure that out at 43.
I was a great actor as a young person. Won a scholarship. I never pursued it because I was fat and had crooked teeth and RSD. Couldn’t do it. (But now that I lost weight, got the teeth straightened and retired …). My son is also autistic (he’s how I know I’m autistic). He’s a good actor. I knew it when he was two and we had to act out Cinderella.
Soooo… I was wondering whether I’m a good actor because I mask or I’m good at masking because I’m a good actor.
I'm not an actor (well, not in title anyways) but yeah, I feel like I've always played pretend better than the average bear. Figuring out which parts of the various personas I've picked up to define an acceptable visage to the rest of society are actually really parts of me is so goddamn exhausting
@@gaylynyoung6387yes.
Actually, both. Being autistic creates a need for you to act. The need makes you develop the skill. And since it's probably hereditary, your ancestors who thrived were probably good actors, as well. Who says you can't inherit acting ability? Or musical gifts, another trait that's highly correlative in the autism community.
Diagnosed about 6 weeks ago, at 64 years old, it's like having your whole life explained, unfolded, unlocked... I was misdiagnosed by professionals many years ago with 'situational depression', and 'everybody's on the spectrum somewhere', which led to my discounting my struggles and myself as 'just weird'. My personal, family, school and career struggles have been many, I know now why I'm alone, but something that really bothers me is not knowing how things would have turned out, or how far I could have gone if I'd known, and others knew, and helped and supported me instead of antagonizing, ignoring, or bullying. Maybe if there was instruction or counseling when I was young I wouldn't have been blindsided by some tragic events, and leveraged my autistic talents better too. Right now, it feels like I'm finally finding out who I am.
Best to you as you navigate the new narrative. Hopefully you will find the positive aspects of the present moments ahead.
I’m about to be 40 and figured mine out around 4 or 5 years ago. I have a similar experience. When I figured it out it’s like my whole life all of a sudden made sense.
I am 57 and self-declared about 3 years ago. One of the hardest things for me has been to let go of self recriminations over my "failures." Things like my lousy relationship with my mom and the career and education I never had. But I finally feel as though I am beginning to understand that these "failures" have been a joint venture. Now, instead of trying to learn about me, I am learning the stuff about nom-autistics I didn't know. Like I am a direct communicator, but most non-autistics are indirect communicators. Also of help, being "older" gives us permission to seem cranky. When someone says, "Why would you say(do) that?"You cn respond with 'why wouldn't you say(do) that?!"
🩷
In fairness to yourself (and me; I'm 65) when you were in school, autism was considered VERY rare. And then it was "only boys." It hasn't been very long ago that high masking autism was recognized as autism at all.
I think there's a reason for us. I think we're the door openers for all the little girls (and others) who won't be left behind or sit in a corner watching the other kids play because they haven't figured out how to join in.... And we're old enough now to insist on what we need. And what _they_ need.
To build muscle, you have to break it, because it's the repair that makes it stronger. We must be some kind of bionic by now, don't you think?
I’ve forced myself to conform, to make eye contact, make small talk, etc that now everyone thinks I’m a popular, social person. I’m so exhausted and in physical pain.
Same. But that may be attributed to the way females are raised and all that societal expectations stuff. How we're SUPPOSED to behave. Nobody understands how hard it is to appear normal or how fucking exhausting it is.
@lauraalopez I distanced myself from those friends, now I have a small group of like 5 good friends vs 20. It sucks but it's better this way. And my true friends were the ones that asked me if I was OK, and when I told them about what I was going through they understood and don't bother me as much. My worse fear was people thinking I didn't care because I didn't tall to them every day. But now they know we're always friends even if I'm not around. Besides, as cynical as it sounds I realized they have other friends to fill that social roll and don't need me for that. I interact with someone personally about once every couple weeks. I'm not saying drop all your friends, but dropping a few helped my mental health so far.
I do the bit where I look at people's forehead or nose rather than their eyes. And I don't even do that often. I don't typically like looking at people at all when I talk to them, so I'll look near them but not at them.
It’s been 2 years, I was diagnosed at 45. It’s been a revolution in my life, and changed how I make all my choices. I can now meet some of my own needs, and know why to avoid losing battles. Its incredible. I just wish I hadn’t lost my friends and even my found family. Being alone is hard. But I don’t let people be mean to me anymore.
They weren't your friends. You'll find them soon, stick to your values and you'll find them ❤
Yeah, I haven't "lost" my friends exactly, but my abilities changed and I'm in the process of gradually redesigning a lot of things about my life to suit my current limitations. They're out there, but there is no longer a playing field in which we can meet (mostly because the ones they're on no longer suit me). It's a lot to figure out, and since I definitely miss having more connection, it's important to me. So I'm taking the time to do it slowly.
@Judymontel apologies for projecting my experience onto yours 😊 Although similar in some ways. I've got better at asking for my needs to be met. Meeting one person at a time, location preferences and asking to leave if sensory overloaded. It's been hard letting go of acquaintances but I'm glad I'm only focusing on people I class as friends. I'm lucky I work in a big workplace so generally get my social needs met through the day to day fleeting interactions. Those are my favourite because their scripted
I have lost a lot of friends in life, for god knows what reason. But at a certain point I also cleaned house, getting rid of friends who were abusive and who bullied me. I seemed to collect such people, and they were among my best friends. I don't claim to be guiltless in these relationships; I guess I'm really irritating on some level, but I can't have such people in my life, regardless of where the blame lies.
Stay strong, friend- you're not alone
I hate haircuts so much. The smells, small talk, and getting a haircut I don’t like. I learned how to cut and colour hair like a professional, got a tri-fold mirror and some professional shears, and now I don’t have to endure the nightmare any longer. Necessity begets learning.
Same here. The trouble I have now is getting round to cutting it, so now I'm growing it, until the next time I decide I can't cope with long hair.
Wow same, I didn't realise how bad it was until I went recently for the first time in a while, and noticed how desperate I was for it to be over. Might have to teach myself too
And you save money too!
I was thinking about getting one of those things George Clooney uses to cut his hair. A Flowbe????? I'm a bit chicken though.
@@skeovkp48598 That's where I am. It's below my waist, and I really don't like it.
My problem is that I am so high masking as a female that now I am not sure what is masking and what isn’t. Having introception issues does not help matters. I also don’t feel like my spouse gets any of it or me. So crazy as I was originally watching all of these videos, because my counselor thought that he might possibly be on the spectrum. He still might be, he’s old and doesn’t really care. Whereas my world has been rocked. It explains so much. Everything. But now it’s feeling like an existential midlife crisis. Sigh. Thank you for the video!
I also have masking as so integral part of me that I don't know how I would be without masking. It also explains why I struggle answering any questionnaires about myself. Often I have no clue. I guess part of it is also autism and ADHD having kind of contradicting traits. Like doing small decisions often is much harder for me (autism) than doing big decisions (ADHD kind of overrides my autism there I guess). Choosing an appliance can be a more overwhelming decision for me than deciding to move abroad. For real. By a huge margin.
@@fintux "Choosing an appliance can be a more overwhelming decision for me than deciding to move abroad."
Same for me. The latter might sometimes be decided in one second (like: Yeah, a new adventure is coming up! Sure I'm in!), whereas for the one a looot of data needs to be collected before a choice can be made. 😅
Edit: But honestly? I like both parts of me. Collecting data is a fun way to spend your time with either. 😊
I resonate with you in regards to my partner not understanding any of it or me. I've been there for the past 6 months and I am patiently waiting for the understanding and acceptance to come along. I think an issue for my partner is that she has a friend who has 2 ASD-2 Children, and she can't accept a level 1 diagnosis because it doesn't show as these grown up children.
@@fintux funny about the appliance comment. I resonate strongly with this. I've actually moved abroad and it took a lot less effort than it did to make choices on things to purchase - so much data mining required.
@@InterDivergent I've moved abroad not just once, but twice. I made both decisions pretty quickly, basically in a matter of minutes. For a vacuum cleaner, I made a spreadsheet, read test reports, called manufacturers, visited several shops. It was a long project. I've not regretted any of those decisions, but yeah looking back it does seem a bit odd. (Of course I did not actually move abroad just like that, it required paperwork, planning etc., but I did not question the decision - though I guess also my opportunities were such that I didn't also need to think about which country or city to move in).
The feeling of euphoria from finally recognizing myself in these in ways that I was previously ashamed and confused about.
I know that feeling too! It’s hard to unlearn but so necessary for understanding yourself. Hope you’ll find our content helpful for that 🙌
Life has been unbearable and insufferable for me. I lost all my family early in life and found myself alone in a very strange and hateful world. I don't have the extraordinary talents many Autistics are known for. I've been bullied all my life and in every situation to this very day. I cannot understand the lies that other people tell and the manipulation games. Loud noises, souped up cars and other machines send me into a meltdown. I look normal and attract the worst bc everyone thinks I'm a pushover. I've been called names even in public places for no reason because I get amazed with random things and zone in on whatever catches my interest. This is a very cruel world and always a set up and everything is a trap. Others are unfazed, but me, I'm always on the brink of insanity trying to appear 'normal'. I'm not so good at it still.
Don't put too much stock in "those extraordinary talents." For most of us, surviving and thriving is extraordinary enough.
I don't know you but I feel like I understand. Loud music is bad, but TELEVISION is the worst. I have stood outside in storms rather than endure television in doctors' offices. In fact, I choose doctors and dentists and lawyers solely on the quietness of their waiting rooms.
@@claudialupper Just Absolutely!!! I so agree and that is my problem also. One of my doctors office knows to turn off the TV when I walk in the door. Nice to meet You!
I am just coming up on my 69th birthday and I just got that I am on the spectrum this year. what a realization! 45= YEARS OF DEPRESSION explained in a single epiphany.. moved out to the country and don't see anyone or interact and poof, depression gone.
you have nailed my life of "masking". didn't even know I was doing it. thanks
Glad you figured out what you need and found a way to get it - I’m still learning but getting there. What you found (the quiet life in the country) is what I feel myself gravitating towards more and more now. Thanks for sharing this! Also, early happy birthday! 🙌
I grew up with ADHD being "bad parenting" and autism being "failure to thrive", but now as I read these comments I realize just how many autistic traits my dad has, which makes my and my sisters' struggles make SO MUCH more sense.
I was a massage therapist for 7 years. Because people were face down, I didn't have to make eye contact and they couldn't observe my body language. They gave me the benefit of the doubt when something I said was misconstrued. People didn't treat me with contempt or disdain. For the first time, I felt like a real person. For a while, I loved it. Then it hit me. My whole life people have treated me as some kind of alien just because of my body language and facial expressions. Pisses me off. Why can't they give us the benefit of the doubt even when they're looking at us? Why do we have to work so hard just to be treated with a modicum of dignity?
Oh man, that bit about burnout and toning it down - problem was, trying to do and keep jobs which paid the bills and bought the groceries burned me out for good over a decade ago.
i just wanna say that i really appreciate that you went to the trouble of shooting your own b roll. i find stock footage incredible distracting and irrelevant most of the time. i often miss the point entirely because i’m wondering why i’m looking at some random kid eating ice cream or whatnot. thank you. the extra effort is noted.
Lol! So many of these comments making me laugh because they're thoughts I've always had that I've never seen written or said anywhere else.
OMG Yes! This.
@@connoralbertson2843I keep giggling thinking the same reading these comments. I feel at home here lol
That's very true!
I think this is a point not a lot of people would bring up. I also thought it was a nice touch, but didn't think about the effort that went into it enough. Yeah it was pretty cool.
It would have been so nice to know these things when I was a kid. Back then it really bothered me that I was different from my peers. Now I am 59 and I have embraced being different and it’s what makes me special and unique. However, knowing others have these same issues has been incredibly helpful and affirming. It’s also helped me help my autistic son, who is a teen.
The frustration snowball hits me so hard now that I know why I get frustrated so easily…
It’s like I went from putting a fire out by letting it burn, to throwing gas on it because I forget in the moment that gas is flammable
Oh my word. You just made me realise I have that too. Missing the 1st part of the sentence. So now I know it's an autism thing. Thank you so much. Edit - diagnosed with autism at 54, diagnosed with fibromyalgia 2 years ago and self diagnosed with ADD last year.
I've never bothered with eye contact since highschool. I tell people to tell me when something is a secret.
One thing I think works really well is I find the gossips in a work environment, to get a sort of "intro to office drama" course. And that helps me know who to observe more and preps me for bad interactions. I never take the gossips word for things because of how emotions cloud what people think. But it's a good way to navigate confusing areas.
The gossips love having an audience, they love when you ask questions "I'm not used to this dynamic bc I'm so introverted, how can you tell x person is mean?" And they can help you look for certain cues.
I also, end up making friends with the sarcastic people a lot, they dont need me to be witty, they just neef me to tolerate their jokes. And the fact that I'm never sure if it's a joke or if this is a gap in their intelligence, so I never laugh just in case they'd feel stupid, is somehow ok with them .
(I'm trying to change my world view to understand most sarcastic people will roll with it and make a joke about themselves if they had a stupid moment
I have quite a few autistic traits, but I am very fluent in sarcasm. That’s one reason I’m not convinced that I’m autistic myself. I can read people really well, I just choose not to engage a lot of the time. I know there are a lot of parallels with Autism and OCD. I’m more likely the latter.
Good suggestions. I always looked for the one confidante at a new place, the one who knew all the tea.
This is my life! Especially the thoughts you held up on the cards. I didn't even realize that I struggle with proper conversation, but since Self-Diagnosing, many of my friends and family have expressed their relief that I now realize that I more monologue than Converse. I never even noticed I do that. Like all the time.
It's good that your family and friends are so accepting of your self-diagnosis.
I can only unmask fully when I know no one is around. That's basically never. Even being in a secluded room: noises or sounds disturb the other autistics in the house. Yes. One day things will get better. Making the best of the situation I am in now... Thanks for your content. Really enjoy watching it and feel less alone in all of this.
I am 64 this year and just diagnosed a couple of days ago with high functioning autism and that l mask it very well. I feel so peaceful about it yet tinged with a little sadness because it took so long. Now I can understand everything a lot easier and I can be kinder to me. Some may not believe me when they find out and that is okay as it is a sign they can’t understand. Finding this channel is very helpful and it feels like a safe and understanding place.
I'm also 64, found out about six weeks ago, and I agree with every single word.
@@stevendaleschmitt For once I don’t have any questions about feeling great. It doesn’t feel abnormal and everything now seems to just click into place. One other thing I now realise is that when you are with others who have autism you no longer feel odd or on the outside looking in. Hoping the best in your discovery of a new perspective in life.
"Being kinder to me" - exactly
Thank you! I relate to everything you said. Especially:
Being frustrated for being frustrated with myself for being so easily frustrated. YES!
Sensory overload to many things but especially sounds. Car alarms. Chainsaws. Bouncing balls. Buzzing insects. Dripping faucet. Instant fight or flight reaction.
Huge startle response. Meltdowns (raging or crying).
Can't (or no interest in) following conversations. Being flooded with thoughts Interrupting or holding it in (when I can) Small talk. And definitely, "Will you PLEASE get to the point!"
Uncomfortable around most people. More than two at a time is usually overwhelming. I become anxious and either shutdown or leave.
High expectations of myself and others. Not understanding why everyone isn't this way. Toss in an unhealthy dose of perfectionist procrastination, avoidance, or paralysis.
Still learning how to manage and navigate this world. So grateful for your channel. 🙋♀️💖
I get that stuff!
I had to check the name on this comment. I was like: did I write a comment already and forget? Hard agree with everything. I'll add that glaring lights are literal violence. Design engineers, please try to figure out how to fully illuminate a room without pushing needles into my eyes and trigging migraines! K thx bye
I'm a piano tuner, and was listening to a video with Emmanuel Pahud playing flute. He is an amazing flautist, but he would sometimes hit high notes that actually hurt my ears. I wondered whether he knew how bad those notes sounded, but quickly realized that most people don't even hear the overtones that I am hearing.
high masking self and late diagnosed person here. My daughter has a diagnosis and I'm debating on seeking one.
One of my problems is I don't understand what/why stuff happens and can't figure out the answer and didn't get a satisfactory answer when I asked. Like it's stuff I should just know. But I don't. Since my husband passed I'm way more stuck, I didn't even realize he was doing that interpretation between the real world and me.
My husband passed away five years ago. I had no idea how dependant I was on him. I'm only just beginning to be able to navigate the world again, but in a much more restricted way than I did when he was around. Even going to the shops on my own is hard, and socialising with anyone other than close family seems impossible. Diagnosed recently aged 64 - it's mind blowing that I've gone through most of my life without knowing.
@@skeovkp48598 Mine passed about 8 months ago. It's been hard. We had a contentious relationship, but we were together for 34 years. It is crazy that we didn't know we are on the spectrum, but then I always remember: when my daughter was diagnosed, it was cause I kept telling the people who were diagnosing her they were wrong until they said it's autism, I went to the library and verified. They said girls don't get autism. I figured maybe she's a tomboy like me. Nah, turns out my mom was great at teaching me to mask, I sucked at it with teaching my daughter.
If someone’s talking to me during an announcement over the speakers, I fundamentally cannot listen to either. The words turn into noise. I also hate loud music. I understand how people can enjoy it, but the music is like a giant hand that reaches out and keymashes my emotion-board in my head
Humor is my secret weapon too! I very often say things that I think are totally innocuous, but people interpret as salacious. It’s mortifying. Ive started doing that on purpose as a joke as a sort of defense mechanism. Like a “haha I got you, get your mind out of the gutter” kind of thing
Did not even know that I could be autistic as an adult. Did not have diagnosis until over 60. Agree about how much energy it takes to mask and the small talk thing is such a difficulty. When other people walk up to a group talking the "circle" opens and they are allowed in. Not me. I end up walking away so much of the time.
This happens to me so often! It hurts so much. I should watch when other people do this…what’s the “tell” that I’m getting wrong??!
Oh boy that 'wave of awesomeness' analogy is such a brilliant way of putting it; I'm going to use that to explain to 'normies' why conversations are tricky. Edit: I have AuDHD, my ADHD does also fire massive waves of comedy awesome-ness (mainly short sketches) that I struggle not to laugh at.
You’re not alone, I do that too! People look at me weird. But if they know me, they look forward to my explanations of it and we have a laugh together. It gets very awkward if I’m in a public place when it happens though.
I hope in the future we are going to have a complete different name for high masking autistic people. I get discredited every time I say I am diagnosed as autistic person because I don’t look like one. I have a regular life apparently, but the struggle is real. Every point in this video resonates with me.
I believe there’s a completely different diagnosis for high masking, because at the end of the day no one can say we are disabled in any way. It’s more of a matter of raising awareness that everyone is different and we cannot conform with a standard of what is proper or not. Whoever came up with the idea of “common sense” left out everyone else besides themselves.
We are key to bring people out of the delusion that the system imposes to the average population. There is no average in fact.
YESYESYES. Diagnoses have charged so much in my lifetime, and I know we are not there yet. Things will look so different in another hundred years. As neuroscience gradually replaces observation and theory, I kind of expect that blanket diagnoses will be replaced with neural profiles based on the specifics of a person’s brain physiology. One of the reasons that it gets so confusing is that, for example, there are probably only so many ways for a brain to register anxiety, whatever the diagnosis.
In the meantime, I’m gradually going back to calling myself an Aspie, which is what I would have been diagnosed with had it happened in
my thirties. I can see some reasons why it was replaced with ASD, and there are some benefits to this approach, but it has also unleashed a torrent of conflict. I’m tired of hearing that I “don’t look autistic” - that may fade with time and education, but I don’t think the parents of type 3 kids will ever stop feeling invalidated by us, and insisting that we are “faking it” at their kids’ expense. I understand why they might feel that emotion, but we did not invent this system of classification. Aspie was still in broad use until a few years ago, when revelations about Asperger came out. I get that he was a terrible person, but I’m tired of throwing myself on a grenade because of that. I’ll be using Aspie at least some of the time from now on.
I'm waiting for an autism assessment, at age 51. I'm trying to unmask at home, your video's are really helpful. I've found that I really like to say the word 'tiny' in a tiny voice, probably in most situations over and over again 😂
I don't know it this is the same, but when I'm driving or riding the motorbike.. If I run over a lump or bump I say "bink" out loud.. I do it all the time.. When I cross railway tracks it gets stretched out to "binkety bink" I've been doing it for years...
Oh no... I just tried this and it felt so good. You have infected me.
The only place for me to safely unmask or fully stim is at home. Depending on where I am out of my house, I can get away with either singing or reciting lines from something.
Two insights have really made a difference for me lately. They are, 1) Matrixlessness, and 2) Private masking.
Both help me to get a handle on sooo much of my life experience, both the outward kind and the inner, visceral kind.
About the first.... I've come irresistibly to the conclusion that intrinsic to autism is the absence of a perceptive-cognitive matrix. The absence is relative, sometimes more, sometimes less (very possibly the degree of absence determines how "high-functioning" one is), but in all cases of autism there is some degree of matrix deficit.
I could go on and on about what I mean by this, but here's one short illustration instead. When my elementary school teacher would get frustrated with me over my incapacity to process arithmetic she'd finally, nearly, yell, "56! FIFTY-SIX! 8x7 is 56!!!" Two things I could not process: 1) why this was so important to her, and, 2) why the answer being 56 today meant it would still be the answer tomorrow. I totally lacked an inner schematic, a matrix, to plug these pieces into.
This absence of a matrix is something I also conceptualize as "matrix amnesia." It's why every sortie to the supermarket is kind of like the first time you've ever gone to a supermarket all over again. Not that you really forget the basic routine: pick up merchandise, go to checkout, pay, leave store. Of course not. But there's a deeper level at which the entire construction, the surface manifestation of it all, is like something you've never assimilated before and from which YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT.
Matrix amnesia seems so obviously to be behind hyper-sensitivity, too. You're at church in the social hall with a hundred other people, already struggling from hearing a hundred people talking at once, and then some child lets out a typical childish shriek. And unlike everybody else who seems barely to notice, you nearly leap out of your shoes? Why? Because it's like part of your brain--not the intellectual part that knows these things happen, but some other part in control of your responses--had no idea anything like such a shriek could occur, and immediately you are thrown into crisis mode.
Which is why autistic masking is light-years remote from the pose of a hypocrite or con man. Sure, there are people who adopt a persona and maintain it for years, decades. But autistic masking is an immediate, inwardly breathless scramble to improvise just to survive the moment. And of course the most profound difference: run-of-the-mill social phoniness is an attempt to get noticed and come out ahead in the social dance. Autistic masking is a scramble NOT to stick out and just to survive till you can git outta there.
That's matrixlessness, or matrix autism. The other is Private Masking. And that one's the killer.
Deep autistic masking doesn't stop the moment you've escaped the crush and press of the crowd. Even in your most private solitude, right there inside your body and soul, you are still, viscerally, over-regulating, artificially conditioning and manufacturing the "right" feelings and responses and "postures," expectations and values that the neurotypical world has blasted to you that EVERY NORMAL PERSON HAS INSIDE. Therefore you must and you will. All. The. Time. You're constantly working on yourself, in essence driving yourself toward your own (inaccurate) phantom of neurotypical-ness, so you hardly need a neurotypical crowd around you to make it worse.
It's this "private masking" that wreaks such desperate long-term damage, quite literally to your guts, your nerves, your psyche.
In the year-plus-some since my autism discovery I've been shedding incalculable layers of influences, impressions, "ghosts" and false values, the accretions of a lifetime's worth of both public and private masking. It has been like meeting my eight-year-old self again, underneath all that. And he smiled at me and said, "I've been waiting for you, what took you so long?"
I love this insight!
Yes, I think the Private Masking starts as a form of practicing a skill. Just that it's a toxic skill. But I bet the same muscles you used to do it before are coming in handy in the process of practicing un-masking. The noticing (this time, of inner dynamics) and practicing respecting them and trying out different ways to respond to them. Warm regards to you and your eight year old self.
Thanks so much for taking the time to share so much so eloquently, Ken! (If you're writing a book, consider this my pre-order. Or if you're on Threads or somewhere else, I'd love to follow more of your writing.)
I'm so glad you talked about why learning math was hard. It's literally a grief in my life that I couldn't learn basic math skills, because at some level I'm aware that there is this profound beauty that is shut out from me. The matrix concept helps so much! WHY is it 56? What are we using that information for? If I fail to mindlessly memorize that it is 56, what skills can you give me to figure it out on my own next time?
And yes, private masking! Never thought about it. I'm all alone on a Saturday, and I'm thinking, "what would a respectable mid-50s woman be doing in this situation" instead of just acting however I want to act. Why is that a consideration? But I never really noticed that I was thinking like that before. Like, do I think someone is going to give me a failing mark on how I spent my Saturday?
@@DharleneValeda Exactly, Dharlene, that's it exactly! You really gave words in such a relatable way to what I was trying to say. Thank you!
@@Judymontel Thank you! You're right. The ramifications of a lifetime's struggle to survive an incomprehensible matrix are certainly far from categorically negative. One does grow strong, after all, in intensely inward and (autistically) unique ways. That strength then comes in hugely handy after your autism realization when you set yourself to the tasks of deconstruction and new construction.
I have recently been diagnosed with ASD and I also have ADHD, you are describing my life perfectly. I have spent my life either thinking I am broken or not understanding why others don’t see the world as I do. Thank you so much for your video.😊
I believe sensory sensitivity for me it’s the unexpected change of my plans and lack of control.
I can listen Hardcore music blasting in my ears without any issue but when somebody listen any kind of music it triggers me because I have no control over it. Same with the sunlight, I can’t switch it off so it triggers me and gives me headaches. People driving slow, I’m feeling trapped in my own vehicle, I get enraged, punching my car and start crying, sometimes I have to listen to Canon in D for an hour before calming. Also the heath or extreme cold, I can’t control it, the wind 😡 anything. The router stopped working, I once punched so hard to make it work I broke it and my landlord made me paying for it.
Also my masking is more a survival game, I can be extremely cunning (that’s why sometimes I don’t think I’m on the spectrum) and I twist my words to avoid confrontations with my loved ones. I say something, they get angry, I change my words to reflect what they are saying. When I do or say something my mind think of any potential escalation, at the point of using logic to create an entire conversation that has just started and predict how thing could go if I keep talking about that topic, so I could change on the go if I perceive any difference… 🤯🤯
Lack of control is my #1 challenge too. It's why childhood was the worst, but now as an adult I've created my own "fortress of solitude"; a controlled environment with minimal triggers. Life is much better being able to retreat from uncomfortable situations (and allowing myself to do so), and having a home that always feels safe.
I am in a similar boat. I dont mind when other people listen to music, it is when they sing to the song. I am trying to listen shush!
Sunlight and general lights are extremely triggering for me. Dont even get me started on flashing lights.
It is cool to see someone else who is photosensitive too. Always hear about noise sensitivity. ❤
Look up PDA, Pathological (or Persistent) Demand Avoidance. Harry Thompson has a channel with some good info. He's had things to deal with recently, but he has older material that made me recognize myself.
I don't really do rage or meltdowns, but Harry talks about them.
If you're cunning and lack empathy, you could be sociopathic, but from your first paragraph, I think PDA/autism with significant SPD is likely.
I'm a recently diagnosed 34 year old and I've never related to anything more than to the wave analogy; it so good!
The flashes. Awesome video, but for the next one please could you exclude the flashes in between? For us light sensitive people that would be great!
YEAY! Great video!!!
Opening packages feels like HELL to me. The fiddly stuff, the packaging, the mess, the having to sort the recycling, the needing to LEARN how to operate said item... why ARE things so hard to open?!
"I get away with it because I'm funny." Story of my life, Chris. Although like you I'm not trying, I'm probably just making a genuine observation....
PS Loving the bloopers :-D xx
Dang. I miss the first part of what someone says to me, too. I had no idea that happens to other people. And, yes, it's very frustrating when they only repeat the later part. I keep reminding my wife to please say my name first, and wait for me to acknowledge, before continuing to talk to me; it's still hit or miss.
Your "riding the wave" observation hits home, too. When I was younger, my brain would record what the other person was saying (very much like an old telephone answering machine), and I could "rewind" and play it back later (seconds, minutes, hours...). Alas, that has gotten harder as I've gotten older.
"White lies" are a pet peeve of mine. The whole premise is absurd. But it also causes problems with me trying to learn social cues. Just when I think I've figured one out ("I think you're mad at me."), someone will tell me a white lie ("No, I'm not mad.") -- or at least I think they're lying. Then I second guess my "reading" of the social cue, don't trust myself, and just go quiet.
Honestly, all that subtext is difficult for foreigners to understand too. So, I just take people at their word. And often will tell them. I don't play guessing games, so if you have a problem with me, let me know, otherwise I'll assume everything is fine.
You mentioned that taking to strangers stresses you out. For me this is actually really nice. I like to get to know new people, even more when the conversation goes deep quite fast. But what scares me is when someone gets to know me better because I think they might not like me with all of my facets (and struggles).
But this might change with time the more I get to know my true self and the less I mask.
Double down on that tsunami of ideas with the constant monolog that I have in my head because I ALSO have aphantasia (no ability to visualize in my mind). So instead of the visualize onslaught of ideas and tangents I have this monolog onslaught of ideas and random tangents all talking over the conversation I'm supposed to be listening to!!
To me, small talk never made much sense. I enjoy driving, and when I have company in my car, I don't mind silence. I really like to be into my thoughts and the road. However, I understand that for many people, silence can feel awkward, and to erase this feeling I usually unload a good amount of disconnected subjects into a conversation.
Until my early 20s, I didn't mind silence.
But people told so many time me I was so awkward by being fine with silence, that I started to feel uncomfortable too with silence. So now, for 10 years or so, I try to do small talk. But I can't do small talk; no matter what, the conversation soesn't click, but I can't stop, I just can't, I have to try to fit. So I'm uncomfy with silence and totally stressed by small talk...
I would like to enjoy silence again. 😢
@@grenade8572 I will use myself as an example. When I stopped thinking, "Oh, you need to say something!" and stopped forcing myself, I began to feel comfortable, and the conversations started to flow naturally. Pushing myself had been creating a negative feedback loop. Nowadays, the conversations might not even be connected to the subjects I initially bring up, but... at least my subconscious is accepting that I tried so that negative feeling is not an issue anymore.
I LOVE this video. Thank you! I struggle with those same thoughts. Thank you for your vulnerability. I feel so much better knowing I'm not the only one who has some thoughts that feel irrational. This is so helpful. Thank you for finding the words I struggle to find. ❤
One thing I like about having a techie job is that most people instinctively begin any new conversation by saying the name of the person they want to start talking with, instead of just talking to the air and expecting that the correct individual (out of maybe 10 people there) will know it's for them.
This is so relatable. People always tell me I'm funny. I think what's actually happening is I was unaware socially. I always tell the truth and I'm kind and that's what gets me through.
34 yo and go my diagnose almost a years ago. It is definitely a journey to get to a point where I'm not ashamed of regulating myself with others, I have been able to stim more with my co-workers present or give myself a moment of silence to try to understand after someone said something to me and sometimes even ask to repeat or explain without being afraid of judgement. Working from home more after my diagnose have been a life saver ❤.
I'm 57 and officially diagnosed AuDHD, uh, yesterday. 6___9 (I always knew something was 'wrong' and began suspecting Autism a few years ago.)
"Shifting Allistic Expectations" of myself is my current struggle. Noticing that I'm in pain and exhausted before it gets unbearable; determining why it's happening; and resolving it so I can avoid the problem in the future. I feel tired just thinking about how much work this is going to be. So, thank you (and other Autistic creators) for blazing paths in the foggy wilderness.
Wow, the audio is so much better, no reverb. I usually have to stop watching after a couple of minutes. Thanks!
I agree. No music, no sound effects. It was so much easier to watch and pay attention to
This is so very relateable. I'm only 6 months into discovering that I'm Autistic at 46yo. There is a lot of masking and it is very tiring. I realise that I have to continue masking in order to 'conform', else I am downright rude, and unlike you, I don't have humor on my side. I have become more rude recently. I now don't bother with trying to comply with small talk, I just ignore it. I'm only just coming out of Burnout. Looking back on life through a different lens was a major struggle. If I think about it too much, it is downright depressing. I'm now working on accepting myself for who I am and moving forward in more of a positive way, as apposed to all the negative diagnostic ways.
What a great reason to take judgement out of social values! Never judge, always be kind
So appreciate your covering this list. I’m an 83 year old neurotypical married to a 78 year old on the spectrum. Just last year he self diagnosed. That put 50 years of confusion into perspective, an entry into a world we had never understood. Thank you for the introspection it has taken to be able to convey your own struggles so that we who are just beginning the process can learn how we might navigate this new journey.
Thanks Chris and Debby. This is the most helpful channel for navigating a "mixed marriage". I'm really looking forward to watching this video with my husband and unpacking some of the implications. I think the part where you give him permission to not take things personally is going to help the most. I can have social anxiety even anticipating him coming home if I'm in burnout mode, and that's very hurtful to him. But the need for full and complete solitude is real, and it's not about him, it's about any human. Even the cat asking for a treat can feel like too much social interaction some days. It is what it is. Pretending otherwise just adds to the burnout.
Anyone else notice the mosquito on his face around 6:59? Not related to the topic at hand, but I could not stop staring at the mosquito.
I've learned to smile a lot. Even if I'm not feeling it. I try not to talk too much. The less you say, the less criticism you get. If I feel like I'm going to melt down, I remove myself as quickly as I can and cool down before returning. I am in a better place now that my husband has passed. Not putting him down, but he was difficult, then got a brain tumour. My kids have autism too. So I have to just put up with what life throws at me. I am private and try hard not to overshare and bore people.
I went shopping to Aldi the day before yesterday. Yesterday I was completely shut down. A hot bath and sleeping helped. Lesson - never go to Aldi again. Diagnosed recently aged 64 and so only now realising why these things are so hard.
When I didn't want to be around people but needed food,, I went thru aldi with my corded ear phones on listening to music I like to help drown out the other people and energy, its how I set me to me instead of them. With the cord they see it,, and leave me alone. Hope this helps, it was a game changer for me.
I always go to supermarkets with my sunglasses on so that the environment isn't as bright, I also try my best to go when I think there will be less people
@@LunarWind99 Yes I always go early to avoid people. There's just something about Aldi, other supermarkets aren't quite as bad.
@@evilbarbie2160 Thank you, I'll try that.
I just got diagnosed (29F). I thought i was a lot less resilient than everyone else, getting overwhelmed easily and not understanding how people could be so casually cruel when im so openly trying to understand...
I think people get overwhelmed with me because i get too excited to talk about stuff? Especially if its my interests. But i could never keep up with the conversation, couldnt hear everything, couldnt find the right place to through my ideas out without seeming too blunt and rude and ahh...
i knew i was living on hard mode. I cant believe i got a degree while raw dawging my autism like this 😂
IvyHale 😂😂😂 raw dawging!! I'm nearly 60 & look back at the busy, overfilled & stressful life I somehow raw dawged, with wonder. Many NTs couldn't have done it! Would I have been kinder to & more understanding of myself if I'd been diagnosed back then 🤔🤷♂️
This is really good. Short videos are great for us with less attention span. I dont evwn know how I mask or fully understand it. What I DO know is that stimming is generally only at home. Once I realize what I am doing, I grab the stress bal or a fidget toy. Because I now know what I am doing, it seems creepy to rub my race, neck, etc.
This is also a great cideo for autistics to understand what thry need in a relationship.
I statted erimenopause qbout a year ago, and thats when my behaviors and memory issues seemed to get really bad. I dont know how I would navigate with anyone but my husband of 29 years. We have been through a lot, so this wont stop us!
Thank you for your content!
Ooooh! I noticed that my struggles got worse starting in my late 40's. In my early 50's, I got diagnosed with obstructive sleep apnea. I assumed that the apnea and lack of oxygen killed off a bunch of brain cells. Now I'm wondering if there's an age-related physical change in men that might exacerbate autistic challenges.
@@markday3145 yes, I have sleep apnea. I was 48, but knew it was an issue for years. I am 52 now. I do think there is research suggesting links between estosterone levels and symptoms seeming worse.
There is def a connection with hormone imbalances, as they affect SO much of our chemistry @@markday3145
Thanks for this insight, Chris. As someone with untreated ADHD and GAD my whole life, masking became my way of life and survival. I'm going through therapy and coaching in hopes of dropping the mask over time. Being easier on myself through the process has been key. The amount of self-awareness you have to understand your challenges is amazing. I hope to get there some day.
I'm proud of you on admitting your struggles, Chris. A lot of what you say really resonates with me as I also struggle with social anxiety even with people I'm familiar with.
I'm so grateful for people like you who provide free information and personal experience to people like me. I have an autistic son who is very bright and extremely extroverted and he struggles more than his less intelligent or more introverted autistic friends and family. There are unique challenges to being able, and highly motivated, to fake it most of the time. The rest of us tend to assume that the behavior reflects the underlying emotions and cognitive processes and are shocked and offended when the autism pops out. We need people like you who remind us to examine our assumptions.
As a fellow AuDHDer, I think my two biggest struggles are 1) interruptions and 2) getting my energy depleted. 2) is in a big part caused by 1). I work in IT and we have a lot of meetings and people calling and sending IMs. The constant interruptions are so exhausting and kill my productivity. Working from home has made it easier as at least I don't get interrupted by other people's conversations.
OK - for one, if I zone out during a conversation or miss things, I say that - "sorry, I totally zoned out. What was it you said about the dinosaurs?" or "I'm sorry, I missed the first part of what you said, where were you when you ran into that Olympic champion?" I am somewhat funny also, but I often use that to explain myself as well. If people see I'm laughing at my own quirks, it invites them to take them more lightly as well. I'm lucky because I come from a neurodivergent family, so I have a lot of history of my parents, siblings and children taking social norms with a grain (or a lot more than a grain) of salt. A lot of social norms are arbitrary. I try to make and maintain social habits that work for me, support me, play to my strengths. But it does mean I have to choose sometimes. When my crafting group continued to meet in the evenings because most members worked during the day, and I became too tired to go out at night, I stopped going. It's not personal, but I have to take the steps to take care of myself. It felt to me like I was withdrawing socially, but I realized that was MY feeling, and something I have to work out emotionally. I also try to use "I" language to help me focus appropriately on myself in my thoughts. If other people are behaving in a way that distresses me, I try to distance myself from that situation. When I start fixating on what others are doing, I've learned to make the effort to refocus back to what I'm feeling and what I can do to support myself. I've learned a number of reframing techniques over the years to help me with this, like Byron Katie's "The Work", "Focusing", a self-inquiry psychotherapeutic technique developed by Eugene Gendlin and most recently I've been doing a deeper dive into something called Internal Family Systems. This helps me sort out with myself what might be going on inside of me when I react to situations. But I think the main thing is that I have probably always been not particularly high masking. If you have a history of high masking, I'd say - come down very, very slowly. It takes time to get used to the consequences of masking less - and there too, there will be a whole new set of decisions to make and experiments to do about what to tolerate (and when) and what to stay away from.
2:35 This is me. Always losing the first part of the conversation and then feel like awkward when you have to ask the other person to repeat themselves and you get the "are you stupid?" look. You've explained so well how my brain works/when it starts processing it's scary but also so very helpful, because now I can use that to explain myself to others. Thank you.
Learning I have autism (at 40) helped me cut back on my dysfunctional substance use and made me more accepting of the traits that I struggled with for so many years. Knowing that there are others out there that share some of these attributes makes it feel less alienating and I’m so grateful for the awareness I’ve gained through video like these and the people who comment. 💕
I really like the metaphor of riding the wave. I really appreciate the few people I know who are willing to "sit back and watch me ride the wave like a badass."
Treasure those few
Just found your channel Chris. Thank you so much for explaining your point of view. I have a partner who is autistic and you have described all the things I see her experience, but most importantly, why she does them. I had figured a large majority of it out, but you clarify why. In the two and a half years we've been together I have learnt to stay at a distance, and give her the maximum space she needs. She even lives in another part of the house, and we come across each other during the day. Her routine, and I don't know if this is typical, is she is active throughout the evening and late into the night. We are both artists and I know that the silence at night is ideal for her. So I work in the morning, as long as I make no sound, as she has acute hearing. Afternoons we might see each other, and that's just fine. She however is a kind and loving person and is only able to show herself through the things she does for me. It has taken me this time being together to figure out what needs to done, and more importantly what NOT needs to be done. Thanks once again.
Excellent presentation and, yep, I can relate to all that a LOT! As a late-diagnosed ASD person, I was unwittingly learning masking habits for decades, with no insight into why I behaved the way I did! So there's been a LOT to unwind and unlearn. But hey, I'm getting there ...
I haven't identified with so many points that another person has made before.
Even if I haven't been diagnosed with autism (and I'm completely open to the possibility I'm not), hearing that others, similarly to myself, put on a front of social competence when we/they actually aren't following the gist of social interaction, as well as difficulties with sensory information, task switching and the variety of neural skills that go into navigation (I also worry about how to traverse towns and enter buildings), all of this encourages me to go easy on myself as autism may be what is causing my difficulties.
I haven't socialized for over ten years, and I've never felt lonely, I'm perfectly happy to keep to myself and interact with others on a formal basis. Thanks for putting this video up Chris, all the best to you!
Good for you!! Thanks for being here😍
Communicating with neurotypicals is possibly THE biggest challenge for me. I've put so much effort into learning about it, exercising, observing people, learning about mentalizing and the theory of mind, making adjustments... I used to live in a place where people were at least somewhat direct so eventually I learned how to talk to them more or less. But then I moved to a place where fakeness is a part of culture and I am so cooked. The goalpost for what is a decent level of communication skills has been yanked out of my hands and catapulted to friggin Pluto. It's scary, triggering and makes me feel hopeless. Gives me serious trouble at work too.
I swear I send my mom and best friend over half of these videos to help them understand me! Thank you!
This one really resonated with me. So many people have much more obvious struggles that it’s hard to not feel angry with yourself. It’s so hard to have seemingly invisible barriers and people mistaking it with social anxiety or a bad attitude. It sucks, but videos like this make me feel better. I can also relate to people thinking you’re super funny when you just have different trains of thought. I truly wish ASD was more understood and normalized in society. Thank you for posting your experiences!!
Thanks for sharing this - and yes, the invisible struggles somehow seem to be easy for others to disregard. Glad you found this helpful! This is a big part of why we started this channel and hopefully more people will understand better over time. More people sharing these experiences can help with that normalization process you mentioned - so thanks for sharing your thoughts too!
Just to comment on some of those thoughts that pop into your head: Some of them have underlying assumptions that I'm not sure are true. I think almost everyone in the world would benefit from a different type of work space!! Just because it doesn't seem to be unbearable to many people doesn't mean it isn't taking a serious toll on them. Many, many, many people would be healthier, happier and more productive with more breaks. The division that they may be better able to power through something that is inherently unhealthy for all people doesn't mean they're fine. I'm not minimizing differences. There are certain things that only neurodivergent people cope with, for sure. But I suggest that we would do better if we assume all individuals are different and try to adjust to their needs as they become apparent.
@Judymontel, Most NTs would respond to this with such derision- “That’s just weird!” Yet the situation is just so obvious. Good point.
Thank you for explaining it so well! I turn 60 later this year and only figured out I'm autistic and ADHD about 5 years ago. I love a lot of things about myself and how I think. Other things, not so much (overwhelm I'm looking at you!)
This video feels really important to me, and resonated so strongly. I have a lot to process here, but I can say it’s a bit reassuring to know that I’m not the only one struggling with these things under the surface.
I bring snacks, water, and my STP (stand to pee) device to any social event, and try to get as much information possible about the place and potential activities so I can dress as comfortably as possible. Then I go with a safe person who matches my capacity for social interaction so we’re ready to leave at the same time.
At a function, I really like people watching and flowing with different types of personalities and talking about shared interests. I spend a lot of time resting, just sitting by myself and enjoying my own company- if a party gets too packed and I can’t do that I get really worn down and it takes a lot to recover.
The most helpful thing, now that I’ve accepted who I am, is letting go of the things that didn’t go the way I wanted. Sometimes I just don’t click with people even if I think I’d like to, and that’s just how it goes sometimes. I no longer wrack my brain for every little faux pas or awkwardness or potential failure to charm someone into being ultra immediate bffs uwu. That’s just not realistic. 😂
This is one of the most helpful spot in videos of high masking adults with ASD. Thank you!
For me, intensive breath meditation - 1.5 hours a day - was a God-send... I feel SO lucky to have come accross it.
The “I just don’t understand why they talk so much about absolutely nothing” really resonates with me, except from the other direction. I am a parent of a 31 year old “man” who has been diagnosed with Asperger’s (which I know is no longer politically correct but, it was his original diagnosis as a child), ADHD, OCD, Severe Depression, hearing loss, vision issues, joint issues due to Stickler’s Syndrome, and as a child had a whole host of other gross/fine motor skill issues, poor muscle tone, just to name a few…. To the point, my son, talks incessantly about his interests, and very seldom does he think of anyone else or their interests for conversation. To have poor social skills, he is a very social person, but he still struggles with understanding boundaries and having consideration for others.
Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts, it’s really helpful. 😊👍
I need to find out what it's like to be unmasked again. For a long time I didn't realize that it had accompanied my self all my life and that I had to suppress my “natural” being. Now that it finally dawns on me, after all these years (52) of denial, it hurts. It hurts not to be taken seriously or really understood or that others think they know better than me what the diagnosis is or is not. “You can’t be autistic because you have compassion”…as if neurodiverse people are unemotional. “You can’t be autistic, you’re funny”…except I wasn’t joking…
I have covered up my real self for so many times and for so long and now I feel extremely drained and sad. However, I understand it better and better, also through your helpful videos. 🙏🏼
I have ADHD and quite possibly Autism (Definitely Ehlers Danlos, relentless bullying as a kid and was "Gifted" before ABI/TBI). My Dad is brilliant, but you're helping me see that the ways we end up at odds are likely manifestations of HIS undiagnosed Autism. Since he is unlikely to ever agree to testing or honestly answer questions for diagnosis, my understanding that this is how his brain works can help me brainstorm ways for us not to piss each other off.
I think it's interesting where different neurodivergences do and don't overlap. In Struggle #1 all but your last two boards felt strongly true to my experiences with ADHD and anxiety
For 90% of my life everyone around me devalidated my auditory overstimulation! Thank you so much for talking about it, I feel seen. Also thank you so much for mentioning how heat contributes to your overwhelm, I feel like the only person who has to hide from the heat like an earthworm.
Oh I am completely 1000% with you on the hiding from the heat, and it can lead to meltdowns for me at times - and it’s not only us! I’ve heard it varies greatly with regulating body temperature but also a lot of people who are always uncomfortably cold. Glad you enjoyed this one!
I was recently diagnosed with ASD. Love your wave analogy and I totally relate… the feeling of my brain being inundated with big thoughts and ideas.
When you talked about missing the fiest part of a sentence I literally out loud yelled, "yes! Yes!" Because that happens to me ALL THE TIME, especially the part where people repeat the last thing they said (aka - the bit I already hear because my brain realized I was being spoken to and awoke from its slumber)
This is 78% me. Its like I was watching a guy on the internet explain myself to me when I've never told anyone about these things. Simultaneously #Thankful #Intrigued #Annoyed.
It drives me nuts too, when people in a conversation take forever to get to the point. Sometimes I jump to the end and say what I have to say and they look at me and ask me, "Do you ever listen to what comes out of your mouth?" Sigh.
I have a coworker who continues to talk WELL AFTER she’s gotten her point across but no matter how much I show I understand, she doesn’t. Stop. TALKING. And this bothers me more because I’m usually in the middle of a time-sensitive task when she does it. We work at a daycare, so I can’t sit and chat because I have to keep the kids from killing each other. But I can’t cut her off because then I’m rude so I’m ROOTED in the spot until she stops and it’s PAINFUL
Your so relateable. You deserve a lot of subs for the energy put into these. Thank you
64 and realised a couple of years ago that this is very highly probable. Small talk and trying to socialise are particularly difficult. I also find what most people want to talk about an utter irrelevance...
Ohh myyyyyyy I absolutely love the way you described it, it helps me so much when I have to explain it to others, thank you for sharing this ❤
The one thing I really really struggle with is the repetition of only the last part, when I did not get the first part😅. I felt so seen in this.
I have spent my entire life seeing a confused look on the faces of others and being unable to understand why!
I really resonate with the humor to cover up my inadequacies in social situations! My friends think I’m hilarious. I lean into it. I do it much more intentionally now, cause it feels good to be the funny one, but there are definitely times when I give a “deadpan” response accidentally and people think it’s a hilarious response, when in reality I literally just didn’t hear what they said cause my brain didn’t process it
Working remotely has helped me immensely. Telling people (not in the workplace!) that I'm 'neurospicy' and leaving it at that up front has saved my ass quite a bit. And honestly? Things got a LOT better for me when I read the book Elephant In the Brain, which was written by sociologists studying the human need for self-deception, but they break down social interactions to a level where it felt like I had discovered the missing operator's manual on "How to Human Around Allistics". It gave me the vocabulary to forgive allistics because I finally got the clinical answer that no, they don't realize how irrational and horribly they communicate with me. I began to view Autistic folks as the "norm" and Allistic humanity as the mentally ill people, and it flipped the script for me in delightful ways. I still have my tantrum triggers, but I have a much better idea of what they are and how to stop them before they fully kick in. Doesn't always work, especially not in the office, but I learned the hard way that the ADA doesn't do shit to protect high masking folks.
At the very least, after 50 years of DIY solutions, that book Elephant In the Brain finally gave me the tools to feel compassion instead of blind rage at the poor, mentally challenged Allistic folks and their feeble attempts at effective communication. (I was diagnosed at age 46. Prior to that I was just 'weird'.)
I really enjoyed reading this comment. I’m going to look into that book you mentioned. 🙌🙌
Super relatable. Thank you for being so open and vulnerable about sharing your experience. I feel less alone. Thanks! 🙏
Thanks so much for your support ❤️ and so glad to hear this resonated with you! Really helps me also feel like I’m understanding our complex brains a bit better 😊
Hi...from Brazil!!!!
Your videos are awesome!!!!
So helpful!!!!
The bit about missing the first part of the sentence happens to me all the time. I hear “don’t worry about it” a lot and I can’t always get someone to understand that I just need that little bit of information to engage with the conversation. I’ve never heard anyone else talk about it. I am gobsmacked.
Yes, this is a challenge for me too - but it’s hard because sometimes I want to be part of the conversation, but without knowing what I missed, it’s hard to know how to be involved. Another thing that happens often is I’m coming into the conversation and have something to contribute but can’t figure out when to jump in without interrupting…and by the time I see my chance, the conversation has shifted 😑
Thanks for your comment - it’s great to hear how this part connected to your experiences too
Let's say I'm focused on a project for work. I get pulled off for something else, and no matter how small the latter is, it takes me way too long to get my brain back into the former after, and sometimes I have to start my train of thought all over again. This is why I hate interruptions, but you can't stop them at work.
Transfixed by the mosquito 🦟 on yr cheek in the mid bit- totally missed what you said during that time but overall relatable! Esp yr reaction to the high pitched voice. I jump so high! and the people at work thinking I am cracking a joke when I’m dead serious, and not laughing at something they find funny cuz i find it mean/awful 🤦♂️. (High masking queer woman, diagnosed at 51)
I learned more social skills working at a restaurant then I did in a dedicated social skills class in high school. That class made me hate being autistic. As an adult I came to understand my diagnosis, and have slowly accepted it. That said I still hide it. No one a work knew, though I think one of my coworkers suspected something, and my boss may have known.
Thank you, your videos help me to understand myself better and it also relieves me to know that I'm not alone in thinking all this. I loved the lava worms, it's exactly that feeling that I find so hard to describe. You both seem so caring that the videos are even more enjoyable to watch :)
in short, thank you very much