Good weekend, everyone! 🌺 Time stamps: Question one - 1:14 Question two - 11:17 Question three - 19:13 Question four - 28:25 Question five - 36:20 Question six - 40:28 Question seven - 50:27 Question eight - 55:41 Question nine - 1:01:17
Especially question three and six were very helpful to me here, so I want to thank both those who asked the questions and Kati for giving such great, understandable and validating answers!
On the question regarding causing a person to feel something… I can understand how the sentiment “you can’t make someone feel something” can be confusing or even distressing for some people. I think Kati is right in the answer she gave, but I get it. I’m a person who is very driven by a sense of fairness and justice. So when I feel someone has done something wrong I can get fixated or angry about it. Especially in the cases of childhood abuse, domestic violence, racism and the other “isms”. It’s almost like there is a need in me to ensure or want that perpetrator to be held accountable for their actions that hurt others. So if that is also where the questioner is coming from, I can get that. We understand that we have the power to respond in a way that is our own, not theirs. But we also want the “wrong” or “bad” person to be held accountable. If they are not, it can feel like the pain they caused is being dismissed and victims are not being validated. So those are my thoughts. This is something I practice daily… questioning my own responses to situations. Ie. road rage or irritation at work. I’ve learned to stop, question the true root of those feelings and then choose how I want to respond (not react). And I truly believe it comes from my worldview - that I expect things to be fair and orderly and for justice to be served. Obviously that doesn’t always happen! Anyway, such an interesting question and I am glad the original questioner asked again.
I'm the person who asked and yes I agree with you on this but I was asking more about why the emotions are there in the first place (not to do with how we respond/react). We don't just feel emotions for absolutely no reason (I mean, maybe sometimes), there is almost always something that triggered/caused them. There is a REASON for why we have a change in emotions. I just don't understand how people can say you can't make/cause someone to feel something when it a person's hurtful words/actions that are the reason for someone's pain/feelings. Obviously they can't CHOOSE how we feel or how much we feel it, but I think I'm just going to have to disagree with Kati that they are not still the cause of the change in emotions when it only happened because they were being abusive. That's like saying a traumatic event is not the cause/reason someone is traumatized, they just have trauma for no reason. But that's not true. Something happened that triggered it. Therefore "caused" it.
My response to Question 5. I would like to share my unique and creative way of celebrating the many years of working and achieving milestones in therapy. From the age of 5 I always wanted to change my name. My parents always said no. Very recently I changed my first and middle given names and feel proud that I now have a name I chose for myself. I feel this rewards the years it has taken to work on the damage and multiple diagnosis’ that they and the world had done. My new birth certificate arrived this week and I now have a new date to celebrate my new name and success. Fortunately I am married so I also have a new surname that I love.
I asked that question, thank you so much for sharing! This is a lovely story, names hold so much meaning. I’m glad you have a name you love and a family that loves you ☺️!
happy thanksgiving! i started watching these awhile back and really just the stuff that i felt related specially to me, but now i find myself watching every video start to finish. i think it’s a great supplement to my own therapy but also helps gain a little insight into what other people may be dealing with and how to be a better friend, s.o. or even just a random kind stranger. i’ve always had huge amount of empathy but the understanding part really helps with perspective. i love that you are so passionate and dedicated to what you do. ❤️
Thank you for answering my question, Kati! I LOVE the ribbon/wreath idea, I’ll have to start one and share it with friends. I’m always feeling crafty in the colder months, so it’s perfect timing.
33 minutes in I feel the person asking the question is being emotionally abused by a care taker and then invalidated by being told, "I can't make you feel anything" when they react. In that respect it's an impossible expectation to not react when provoked. (Feel free to correct me if I'm misinterpreting)
Happy Thanksgiving! Thank you for this video and reassurance in the first question. I have complex ptsd and I’ve been reassured by many providers it’s not BPD, but I have this experience specifically with older women who I see as a mother figure. I have been mothering myself and even when I mother myself I still experience it at times. I allow space for my inner child to long for this and am learning to not make her wrong. 🙏🏼♥️
Thank you for answering my follow-up. I think I might just have to agree to disagree about the feelings question. People don't just get traumatized or feel hurt for no reason at all, there is something that happens that results in that change of emotions. It just seems like cause and effect to me.. I understand what you're saying about how people will feel differently based on their circumstances though. That's just still a little off my point. But if someone is hurt by abuse, is the abuse not the reason/cause of that pain? This is what I don't get.. And to the people commenting that I just don't like the answer or want a pity party, that's not true. I'm just genuinely trying to understand. Thank you Kati for being kind about it. I appreciate that you're open to follow-ups.
It is the THOUGHTS you have about a certain situation that determine how you feel, not the situation itself. For example: it's raining and you think to yourself: "damn, now I cant go outside, my day is ruined". You might feel angry or depressed. When you think: "now its the perfect time to start reading my new book", you might feel happy and content. Same situation (rainy day), different feeling. The same goes for someone hitting you for example. If you go "thats a terrible person" you may feel angry. If you think "I must be a terrible person, I deserve this", you may feel shame. "This person is probably just having a bad day, its not a big deal", may make you feel no big emotions whatsoever. So people or situations don't directly CAUSE a particular feeling
I *think* I'm good about noticing my anger and thinking about why I feel that way, but this doesn't really help me dissipate it unfortunately :S (side note: I do however have a history of feeling shame around anger/negative feelings, and like you mentioned, felt like being angry made me "bad" or "ugly"... so it's only in the past few years I've started to let myself feel rage/anger... which is obviously too long of a story to put here, but anyway, I feel like I'm still wrestling with being able to use anger healthily.
I feel like I’ve always had a favorite person. Always wanted attention from females as far back as kindergarten. I believe I suffer from bpd. I hate rejection it can be a trigger for me. I’m also an empath and struggle to regulate my emotions. I’ve also looked for parent figures and wished I was like Matilda or madeleine. I’m scared to let go of the trauma too. I’ve just recently started to understand some of these terms and feelings
So the causing feelings/emotions question… Are you just saying then that another person's actions aren't the only contributing factor to the emotions we experience? A person doesn't "cause" us to feel something because our feelings are caused by a combination of things, and that person's action is only one thing that contributes to our feelings and emotions?
Maybe look up cause and effect?. She has answered this question twice now. I'm not sure if you were the one that originally asked but it sounds like op just doesn't like the answer?.
@@coffeeandhorses7991 I'm the OP and don't make assumptions about me. I am trying to understand this better, I don't just "not like the answer". And cause and effect is exactly what I'm talking about. Emotions don't just come up out of nowhere, there is a reason for them. So if someone is being abusive, is the abuse not the cause of someone being hurt? This is what I'm saying. It just doesn't make sense to me.
@@maddie_142 I think I get what you're asking, and I'm stuck in a similar loop trying to understand how it all works. I want to take responsibility for my part, but I need to know what that part is!
@@coffeeandhorses7991 No, it sounds like the OP still doesn't understand. And when we don't understand something, we ask clarifying questions and keep working at it until we *do* understand.
"Everyone's got something." But that's not ok. That comes from poor parenting and why it's a dumpster fire now. Women with issues (BPD, trauma and even specifically mother issues) have been found to not bond/respond properly with their children.
Good weekend, everyone! 🌺
Time stamps:
Question one - 1:14
Question two - 11:17
Question three - 19:13
Question four - 28:25
Question five - 36:20
Question six - 40:28
Question seven - 50:27
Question eight - 55:41
Question nine - 1:01:17
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Happy Thanksgiving ❤️
Happy regular Thursday from Sweden! 😅❤️
I love it when each podcast is cohesive & revolving 'round a specific subject. Lucky to have you! :)
Especially question three and six were very helpful to me here, so I want to thank both those who asked the questions and Kati for giving such great, understandable and validating answers!
On the question regarding causing a person to feel something… I can understand how the sentiment “you can’t make someone feel something” can be confusing or even distressing for some people. I think Kati is right in the answer she gave, but I get it. I’m a person who is very driven by a sense of fairness and justice. So when I feel someone has done something wrong I can get fixated or angry about it. Especially in the cases of childhood abuse, domestic violence, racism and the other “isms”. It’s almost like there is a need in me to ensure or want that perpetrator to be held accountable for their actions that hurt others. So if that is also where the questioner is coming from, I can get that. We understand that we have the power to respond in a way that is our own, not theirs. But we also want the “wrong” or “bad” person to be held accountable. If they are not, it can feel like the pain they caused is being dismissed and victims are not being validated.
So those are my thoughts. This is something I practice daily… questioning my own responses to situations. Ie. road rage or irritation at work. I’ve learned to stop, question the true root of those feelings and then choose how I want to respond (not react). And I truly believe it comes from my worldview - that I expect things to be fair and orderly and for justice to be served. Obviously that doesn’t always happen! Anyway, such an interesting question and I am glad the original questioner asked again.
I'm the person who asked and yes I agree with you on this but I was asking more about why the emotions are there in the first place (not to do with how we respond/react). We don't just feel emotions for absolutely no reason (I mean, maybe sometimes), there is almost always something that triggered/caused them. There is a REASON for why we have a change in emotions. I just don't understand how people can say you can't make/cause someone to feel something when it a person's hurtful words/actions that are the reason for someone's pain/feelings. Obviously they can't CHOOSE how we feel or how much we feel it, but I think I'm just going to have to disagree with Kati that they are not still the cause of the change in emotions when it only happened because they were being abusive. That's like saying a traumatic event is not the cause/reason someone is traumatized, they just have trauma for no reason. But that's not true. Something happened that triggered it. Therefore "caused" it.
My response to Question 5. I would like to share my unique and creative way of celebrating the many years of working and achieving milestones in therapy. From the age of 5 I always wanted to change my name. My parents always said no. Very recently I changed my first and middle given names and feel proud that I now have a name I chose for myself. I feel this rewards the years it has taken to work on the damage and multiple diagnosis’ that they and the world had done. My new birth certificate arrived this week and I now have a new date to celebrate my new name and success. Fortunately I am married so I also have a new surname that I love.
I asked that question, thank you so much for sharing! This is a lovely story, names hold so much meaning. I’m glad you have a name you love and a family that loves you ☺️!
Thank you for your lovely comment beautiful☺️
Yay! New name. New start.
@@eloisemarie5219 Cheers to that 😆
happy thanksgiving! i started watching these awhile back and really just the stuff that i felt related specially to me, but now i find myself watching every video start to finish. i think it’s a great supplement to my own therapy but also helps gain a little insight into what other people may be dealing with and how to be a better friend, s.o. or even just a random kind stranger. i’ve always had huge amount of empathy but the understanding part really helps with perspective. i love that you are so passionate and dedicated to what you do. ❤️
Thank you for answering my question, Kati! I LOVE the ribbon/wreath idea, I’ll have to start one and share it with friends. I’m always feeling crafty in the colder months, so it’s perfect timing.
This work is very powerful work
33 minutes in I feel the person asking the question is being emotionally abused by a care taker and then invalidated by being told, "I can't make you feel anything" when they react. In that respect it's an impossible expectation to not react when provoked. (Feel free to correct me if I'm misinterpreting)
I'm the person who asked, and you are interpreting this correctly
Happy Thanksgiving! Thank you for this video and reassurance in the first question. I have complex ptsd and I’ve been reassured by many providers it’s not BPD, but I have this experience specifically with older women who I see as a mother figure. I have been mothering myself and even when I mother myself I still experience it at times. I allow space for my inner child to long for this and am learning to not make her wrong. 🙏🏼♥️
Thanksgiving wishes to our American friends - love from Canada ❤
Happy Thanksgiving!
Same to you Ray! Happy Thanksgiving :)
Thank you for answering my follow-up. I think I might just have to agree to disagree about the feelings question. People don't just get traumatized or feel hurt for no reason at all, there is something that happens that results in that change of emotions. It just seems like cause and effect to me.. I understand what you're saying about how people will feel differently based on their circumstances though. That's just still a little off my point. But if someone is hurt by abuse, is the abuse not the reason/cause of that pain? This is what I don't get..
And to the people commenting that I just don't like the answer or want a pity party, that's not true. I'm just genuinely trying to understand. Thank you Kati for being kind about it. I appreciate that you're open to follow-ups.
It is the THOUGHTS you have about a certain situation that determine how you feel, not the situation itself. For example: it's raining and you think to yourself: "damn, now I cant go outside, my day is ruined". You might feel angry or depressed. When you think: "now its the perfect time to start reading my new book", you might feel happy and content. Same situation (rainy day), different feeling. The same goes for someone hitting you for example. If you go "thats a terrible person" you may feel angry. If you think "I must be a terrible person, I deserve this", you may feel shame. "This person is probably just having a bad day, its not a big deal", may make you feel no big emotions whatsoever. So people or situations don't directly CAUSE a particular feeling
I *think* I'm good about noticing my anger and thinking about why I feel that way, but this doesn't really help me dissipate it unfortunately :S (side note: I do however have a history of feeling shame around anger/negative feelings, and like you mentioned, felt like being angry made me "bad" or "ugly"... so it's only in the past few years I've started to let myself feel rage/anger... which is obviously too long of a story to put here, but anyway, I feel like I'm still wrestling with being able to use anger healthily.
happy thanksgiving
You too PH!
I have got to see my life I have had favourite people I choose and settle for the wrong people.
Here is a question, does reading articles or watching videos about childhood neglect actually reinforce old feelings of neglect?
Happy Thanksgiving🦃
Just my experience (ADHD & likely BPD), but my fixations and FP never combined.
I feel like I’ve always had a favorite person. Always wanted attention from females as far back as kindergarten. I believe I suffer from bpd. I hate rejection it can be a trigger for me. I’m also an empath and struggle to regulate my emotions. I’ve also looked for parent figures and wished I was like Matilda or madeleine. I’m scared to let go of the trauma too. I’ve just recently started to understand some of these terms and feelings
❤
So the causing feelings/emotions question… Are you just saying then that another person's actions aren't the only contributing factor to the emotions we experience? A person doesn't "cause" us to feel something because our feelings are caused by a combination of things, and that person's action is only one thing that contributes to our feelings and emotions?
Maybe look up cause and effect?. She has answered this question twice now. I'm not sure if you were the one that originally asked but it sounds like op just doesn't like the answer?.
@@coffeeandhorses7991 I'm the OP and don't make assumptions about me. I am trying to understand this better, I don't just "not like the answer". And cause and effect is exactly what I'm talking about. Emotions don't just come up out of nowhere, there is a reason for them. So if someone is being abusive, is the abuse not the cause of someone being hurt? This is what I'm saying. It just doesn't make sense to me.
@@maddie_142 I think I get what you're asking, and I'm stuck in a similar loop trying to understand how it all works. I want to take responsibility for my part, but I need to know what that part is!
@@coffeeandhorses7991 No, it sounds like the OP still doesn't understand. And when we don't understand something, we ask clarifying questions and keep working at it until we *do* understand.
Can you do an age regression video?
"Everyone's got something." But that's not ok. That comes from poor parenting and why it's a dumpster fire now. Women with issues (BPD, trauma and even specifically mother issues) have been found to not bond/respond properly with their children.
Happy thanksgiving
🎉 You Too!