As someone whose married and been in a relationship for 12 years, you might be overthinking it. Romantic love is amazing but a relationship is more than just romance. Its about partnership. If you want a love like in the movies, your already starting on the wrong foot. At the end of the day loving someone is a choice not a tingly feeling or obsession. We've all been programmed (mostly by Disney & Hollywood) that love is something its not. Also just because it doesn't last forever, doesn't mean it's not love. Sometimes when you love someone you have to let them go. That doesn't mean the love never existed or is fake.
I think that's exactly it. It's not that love doesn't exist, but the love as the one taught to us by fairytales and Hollywood might not. I would say that as I grow older I realize love should be much more about trust, respect, communication than excitement, passion and drama. Love should be peaceful.
I agree that the way love has been portrayed in media for a long time is flawed, just look at The Notebook, or Leia and Han Solo lol, etc., but I don't think Emma said anything to suggest rejecting that notion, or any of what you're saying, for that matter. She was focusing on how a staggering amount of people rush into marrige before coming out of the honeymoon phase, and end up having to deal with pain from seperation or wasted time afterwards. In addition, she elaborated on seperating love from things it's not, but often gets mistaken for. While most of her thoughts might've gone down a predictable path thorughout the talk, she kind of knows this already (given from all the times she prefaced that smth she believes is cliche) + while for us it's obvious, there are still lots of people, who might benefit from hearing these things said out loud.
This take is so tired. The media feeds us a narrative that romantic love is dead, but think about the 1950’s. Arguably, they were the most love sick generation. That’s because their media was centered around being in love and getting married. If you don’t want to be a part of the 50% who gets divorced, realize that it’s going to require WORK. And it’s not always cute or fun to be in a long term relationship. But, it’s rewarding as hell. Realize that this narrative that Tik Tok and pop music feeds us doesn’t have to be the standard! We create the standard, so if you don’t like it, be the change!
I agree, because yes romantic love isn't real because people get divorces. The bad thing about the internet is that anyone can have a voice . It's also good, but Golly..
Not only that, but America was in between wars. They call them Boomers for a reason... those soldiers came home and immediately started families. It wasn't just a reproduction thing. Being that close to death will make you appreciate your significant other a lot more to the point of romanticizing them. The 2000s were like that lowkey... I saw a lot more couples in love back then.
So many people in the 50s ended up in abusive relationships, overburdened and trapped too young in life with too many kids. I’m sure many had their white picket fence fantasies come true - maybe that is your family’s story. I know conservatives love to romanticize a rose-tinted glasses version of the 50s but I think you also need to acknowledge how much unhappiness in trapped marriages led to domestic abuse, alcoholism and many societal problems too. Ultimately too complicated to generalize about.
it kinda bummed me out when she didn't bring up friendship in romantic relationships once, makes me feel shitty for the partners she's had cause friendship I would say is often the meat or like the glue of a healthy romantic relationship
@@jacob_massengale for her + and her partners bc it doesn't seem like there was a fulfilling friendship within the romantic relationships and imo thts a major part of the fun - being someone's bestie and hanging out with them along w the romance part and sexual attraction part, hope this clarifies!
I don't think romantic love is real or special, and I think romantic relationships are a bad thing. I think humans should just stop being in romantic relationships. I feel like this world would be a much better place without romance than it is with it. Romance seems like an ugly thing. Many mothers and fathers won't allow their daughters to date when they are in high school or still living with them. It does seem that nearly all parents are hoping that their daughters never date or get married and remain single for their whole life due to the dangers and risks of romantic relationships. The overprotective parent thing is proof that romantic relationships are a bad thing, and that this world would be a much better place without them. If someday that the human race ditches the concept of romance and romantic relationships, and got rid of stuff like dating and marriage, mothers and fathers would be happy about it since they wouldn't ever have to worry about their daughters ever dating if that ever happened. People (especially women) should avoid being in a romantic relationship and be single for life since romantic relationships are dangerous.
I don't think the romantic type of love is special, and I think that the romantic type of love isn't real. More than half of romantic couples either break up with each other or divorce each other. I think humans should just ditch concepts like dating, marriage, and pair bonding. I feel like this world would be a much better place without romance than it is with it. In my opinion, it is quite natural to love your parents more than your spouse. Your parents come before your spouse. Romantic love isn't special and it's probably not even real. No one will ever love you like your parents. A romantic partner is replaceable, a person can get remarried, a romantic partner isn't a guarantee in life. Your parents if they do a good job will always remain. Your love for your parents is eternal. Spousal love fades over time. Parental love is much longer lasting. Your parents are the ones who gave you life. After all, they are the reason for your existence and much more. The love that a child receives from a parent in most cases (with the exception of abusive parent child relationships), is unconditional. Your parents will love you a lot more than your romantic partner ever will.
If you love your spouse more than your parents, then you have no loyalty. You are not someone that is worth developing any sort of emotional bond with. Parental love is stronger by far than any other love on earth, pure and simple. Blood is thicker than water. There is no comparison between the number of divorces one sees, compared to the number of parents who disown their children. Parental love is almost totally unconditional, whereas any other love is totally conditional. The love between a parent and child is the most powerful in the world. Unrelenting and unconditional. It never fades. Romantic love, even marital love, can fade just fine. You’d get your parent or child’s name tattooed on you. A spouse or partner? Bad idea. Marriages don’t always last. Family does. Society forces you into monogamy, the only natural thing in this world is your parents, your children, and death. Romantic love is at the end of the day a construct humans created. Sibling love is also almost as strong as parental love. Platonic love can also be pretty strong too and can be as strong as sibling love.
If you love your spouse more than your parents, then you have no loyalty. You are not someone that is worth developing any sort of emotional bond with. Parental love is stronger by far than any other love on earth, pure and simple. Blood is thicker than water. There is no comparison between the number of divorces one sees, compared to the number of parents who disown their children. Parental love is almost totally unconditional, whereas any other love is totally conditional.
The love between a parent and child is the most powerful in the world. Unrelenting and unconditional. It never fades. Romantic love, even marital love, can fade just fine. You’d get your parent or child’s name tattooed on you. A spouse or partner? Bad idea. Marriages don’t always last. Family does. Society forces you into monogamy, the only natural thing in this world is your parents, your children, and death. Romantic love is at the end of the day a construct humans created. Sibling love is also almost as strong as parental love. Platonic love can also be pretty strong too and can be as strong as sibling love.
I remind myself that true love exists because it exists inside of me, therefore it MUST exist inside of others. "the love for me exists simply because I do"!!!! I do not think love is a delusion, rather, I think love is the MOST human experience one could have. But, as others have mentioned, relationships are about and need much more than just love. They need trust, consideration, respect, healthy communication, etc. A lot of people are not equipped with the tools OR unfortunately do not have the curiosity or care to learn them, which is why I believe a lot of marriages end in divorce. I also think a lot of people confuse love with lust.
Its because society glorifies romantic love when in fact platonic love from friendships and community is more important in having a fulfilling life. Partnership/ romantic relationship formed from this, usually stood the test of times and have much more stronger connection
Ok see, I think “romantic” love and “platonic” love are the same fundamentally. Romantic love has the addition of sexual attraction but take that away & you should still have the same exact love. Patriarchy created a false separation to give romantic love different standards so men can get away with treating women less than human & for consumerism. That’s a hot take though I guess.
@@MeelaMeela000 this I also have a hard time to distinguish platonic love and romantic love as an Aroace person. What people think "romantic" love is usually just attraction.
Romantic love and platonic love are no where near the same. I do not feel the same way about my best friend and boyfriend. The connection with him goes way deeper and sex is just an expression of that connection. I’m close with friends but it is just not the same and I think anyone in a long term committed relationship would say the same.
I don't think the romantic type of love is special and I don't think the romantic type of love is even real, while I do think platonic love is real and special. More than half of romantic couples either break up with each other or divorce each other, while most platonic best friends remain friends until death. People tend to fight with their partner or spouse a lot more than they do with a platonic best friend, and you never fight with your best friend the way you fight with your partner or spouse. Partners and spouses are just temporary. If you break up or divorce them, it's hard to go back to them. With your platonic best friend, you're going to make things work, because they are your best friend, they are your go to partner. It's always easier to make amends with them than it is with a romantic partner. Romantic relationships are pointless, while platonic relationships are not.
i really do think that if something feels real, then its real. There is no point in dissecting it further. There are innumerable scholars around the world that think we are living in a simulation, that our entire experience isn't "real" - but who cares. At the end of the day, the entire conversation is inconsequential because it feels real to us. So, whether romantic love exists or not, it doesn't matter if what you are feeling feels real to you in that moment. Don't let some pseudo-intellectual conversation about what's real and what's an illusion stop you from living your life and diving head first into things that feel right.
@@creativeb549 and they can waste their lives running their little thought experiments and talking about it ad nauseam. I'm too busy experiencing my life to care!
Love is patient and kind. Love does not envy or boast. It is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way. It is not irritable or resentful. It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
i disagree. my boyfriend is irritable that i drink all the time and he holds me accountable and i will cut back for him, thats love. me getting upset with him about not working was love, now he works and were growing our relationship together. I was not gonna be "patient" and "kind"forever for our relationship to move to the next step. you dont have to bear everything your partner does in the name of love, you should love yourself enough to understand what kind of love you deserve and maybe motivate your partner to understand that as well, so you dont just up and leave at least give them a chance if theyre struggling, but if theyre always struggling to love you right, you should leave and not endure that. men especially will give you the bare minimum and not go out of their way to show you they truly love you, it took me a while to realize that if you just love unconditionally and are empathetic towards their toxic behavior youll lose your golden years to some loser. Love doesnt bear all things, kids are sometimes raped by their step fathers and because the mom doesnt want to look at her husband as a rapist she just endures it. love doesnt bear all things. lets not teach women to think this way. true love is about respecting each other
the technical term is oxytocin bonding. of course we do things backwards in our culture. we try to fall in love first then get to know the person when we should be doing the reverse (vasopressin bonding). if you want the entire relationship to be a honeymoon not just the first 6 months you'll have to learn how to attach securely with experiential therapy and change your vetting strategy.
love is a belief at the end of the day. you will never be able to “prove” its existence. the closest you can get is staying true to your values, keeping your word, being honest and authentic, etc. then when you say you love someone, or someone like that says they love you, you know its real because they truly embody their beliefs. and that makes love real. if that makes sense.
My favorite definition of love is by Aquinas "to consistently will and choose the good of the other." Romantic love, equality, World Peace, No man Left behind, and No one is free until everyone is free, are notions that have no defined destination, They exist in the domain of infinite games(learnt from Simon Sinek).(The purpose of the infinite game is to keep our deepest values[such as love, patience, kindness etc] in play) As such there are no winners or losers. Just ahead and behind, anyone can grow in and out of them at any point.
Romantic love is real, you just need to want it, make that effort to be romantic, but also have that romance reciprocated. I’d say the failure rate is partly because love isn’t always enough to hold a relationship in the long run, as someone going through a break up, I find myself still loving my ex, but we had to part because we weren’t compatible in the end of the day, and love couldn’t save us, to last we required more. Many people get together but aren’t asking each other important questions, like views on finances, family, morals, love languages, fighting styles, etc. And that’s what I realized what had happened with my past relationship. I think it’s important to understand to love someone isn’t always sunshine and rainbows, because we as humans are flawed, we have trauma, issues, and when we don’t deal with those issues in our singleness, or even in our relationships, it can cause more damage than good. But to love someone id say romantically is to also love them unconditionally, to choose to love despite the rainy days, just as they are choosing to love you on those rainy days, everyday isn’t going to be easy to choose their partner, and maybe that’s why people divorce or cheat, they chose the wrong person, not knowing them completely until being married, or maybe they don’t realize or want to put in the work of having a loving, romantic relationship. Id agree wholeheartedly with you tho, when you say you need to be realistic about love and choose to be selfless, when you and a person choose each other in that sense, there is security and compatibility and a mission to choose each other, do the work, and never give up, but maybe grow together which can be a strong bond, but alas it takes two and well finding that other person can be hard, lol I’m ranting but I loved your talk :)
I rarely ever comment but feel compelled to just say that all of this is facts and what you ended on is a truly beautiful statement. I’m really sorry to hear about your breakup, but am so proud of you, stranger on the internet, for ultimately choosing what was right for you. Just from reading your comment, the right someone, someday, is going to be really lucky to have had you choose them. Wishing you all the best 🤍
high rate of divorce could imply that people are actually belive in "real romantic love". They end their marriages because they cant develop deeper feelings for the other person when sense of excitement an newnes wears off. They don't want to deal with reality and overcome everyday problems together with love and understanding - they seem something new, "easier" and exciting. Idea of romantic love which comes mostly from books and movies ruins marriages and true love...
The statistic is incredibly misleading and i thought people already knew that lol. The statistic is skewed by individuals who divorce multiple times over and over. It’s actually much lower.
I agree with 99%, but I don’t think people pick each other bc we feel they are better than others. We all have our imperfections and I think we pick those who we have a “connection” to bc we feel seen and heard from this individual
Kind of, but this misses the filter of attraction that people can have at the beginning. It limits the pool of people to which that connection can be had. To be clear, not everyone is like this
I think you maybe are searching for a word that does not exist in English, as far as I know, in order to be able to differentiate between love and erotic infatuation. In my language, Greek, we differentiate the two as different concepts with the words agape and eros. The loose translation is love and falling in love.
Literally thought the same. I would really love the comfort of an all giving, loving and just god but i only see horrible things in his world. While the people that believe in a god which i dont think is real do actually get allot of comfort out of him just like the people really believing in love get that comfort. Although eventually they might feel betrayed by their believes. At which point they lose the comfort for ever.
it does, you've just never experienced it. which is why you need to ensure other people feel they haven't either. otherwise it makes the loneliness more jarring.
Maybe the reason why experiencing real love is so rare it's because we live in a selfish society, which considers love as something you need to achieve in order to be happy. Everybody cares only about their own happiness.
Love exists, because theres a mothers love, fathers love, platonic love, romantic love. Love is real and its too chose to love someone everyday because you want them in your life, its connection.
As someone who recently decided to end my 7 year relationship, I relate and and agree with so much of what she’s saying. Being single is also very fulfilling and peaceful. Thanks for speaking on this.
Society puts romance on a pedestal. Too much emphasis on it, no wonder why so many people end up with partners that they hate. Almost like you must be with someone just because you like each other, even though you are not compatible. Romance is not going anywhere any time soon so, I don't understand the point of going nuts over it. A lot of people are not going to find "the one" and that's alright. Then you'll find "the one" is you. Or a friend. I love my friends above any romantic partner.
It's because factually we have not evolved past communal living, it was around the time Mormonism took hold that monogamy became the social norm. It was not the result of evolution. Romantic love fades gradually, and a new partner is wanted. We have the ability to decide whether to give in to this drive or not. It doesn't make sense to many people to give in to that drive, due to the way society is structured around the nuclear family now. This fact, and the fact that during sex, female humans take on the male DNA, even if they don't procreate together, and start to resemble that male over time (long term relationships) makes me think we end up becoming more like family with our partner over the course of time, and less like a romantic partner, which gives credence to the whole evolutionary response of wanting to seek new partners. I struggle with jealousy, but as someone who doesnt really like polyamory, I sure as hell question the longevity of monogamy.
I’m so impressed as a 50 year old woman, that you’ve discovered this so young..it’s all hormone driven and society feeds off the insecurities of girls when it comes to “finding “ the one.. all love becomes more like friends in the end imo🎉🎉
The divorce rate is higher because divorce is becoming more normalized in society than ever before. Before people understood it was a benefit to them and to society and they believed in religion which supports marriage and looks down on divorce.
As someone who’s parents had an arranged marriage and then got divorced 21 years later, I totally agree with the being in love bs truly loving. My parents never were in love but they do love each other like after everything that happened between them and us, my parents will still take care of eachother when they’re sick, my mom will cook for my dad if he wants it. There’s a sense of protectiveness of their new spouses as well, honestly like Emma put so many of my thoughts to words in this episode
I think all of these feelings can co-exist within the same relationship, just the fact that infatuation and the feeling of security are present, doesn't mean that there aren't moments/ an underlying feeling of true love.
i think love is more like an unstoppable force and romantic love is a manifestation of that in a certain context. you know it when it happens. love being an illusion in exclusion to reality requires reality to not be an illusion. tried and true, tempered, and might i add not all romantic love requires permanent marriage. some things are timely, some things are forever, and sometimes those are the same thing. go figure. go study philotic resonance.
Romantic love is not innate to us its a culturally shaped experience. Doesn't mean people dont experience it but for us who don't its a hell of a world because it's all directed towards that. We end up alone bc all our friends are married and starting families etc. The law and government also favours couples.
I agree, though, I think people are starting to change definitions for love. Limerance is what you were describing, that obsessive, happy chemical type of attachment. Whereas, a truer romantic love (prob rare) would be more like wanting to understand a person, as close as possible. I think the problem is that society makes it so romantic love automatically means getting together, (ready or not.) When rom-love is actually deeply feeling someone to be special. Thus reserving special things for them- kissing, gifts. I do think it’s silly that monogamy is standard tho. Perhaps a work around would be therapy, or dating a friend pragmatically lol TLDR: society’s social construct version of love is the limerence illusion, whereas actual romantic love is choosing the best life for both- not without those crushy, ‘illogical’ feelings but despite of them.
I understand, Emma, wholeheartedly. It was refreshing to hear my unpopular opinion aloud. People rarely experience unconditional love, even from their own parents. People deem relationships “unhealthy” when there’s no reciprocity. It in fact is rooted in ego and entitlement. People are quick to dismiss the love felt when a person walks away, there’s no selfless love in letting go.
Romantic love isn't what you feel, it's what you do, what you practice, and people are lazy and don't practice much of anything anymore. Romeo and Julliet isn't a tragedy, it's a comedy. It's Shakespeare making fun of Romantic Love or what people's preconceived notions are of it. Love is work, love is duty, love is anything but romantic, although at times it can be quite romantic indeed.
Life is not so black and white it’s many different shades and tones and life and people never ever do exactly what you want or expect your first problem is your own expectations
Wrong. Love is actually impossible because the very reason you love someone is because they have something that you want or need which is beneficial for you. Love is like a business, that’s why feelings are subject to change. So love is simply an illusion, we get into relationships because we benefit from it, you can’t deny that.
@@dripxenseixensei3822 You can disagree with me but I don’t think you should say I am wrong. What you are talking about is a conditional love which I do not believe is a true love.
@@maya-od if you are wrong, then of course I’m going to correct you. There’s no such thing as true or false love, it’s just the mechanism of dopamine, serotonin, etc - a product of evolution. The love that you speak of is just a human concept, it has no empirical or rational evidence to support it but my version of love is supported by evidence. If “true love” is real, then show me evidence, oh wait, you can’t 😂 I’m not trying to offend you, I just find it funny how deluded people are, believing they know what is real or not, yet they don’t realise that “confirmation bias” is at play. If I may ask, what is true love? Maybe your definition is real. But the traditional love or romantic love is an illusion, it simply can’t be real because it’s not possible.
I think ur right, it's all a game of "pretending" for our egos but at the same time I think it's a necessary game to play in order to have the human experience and understand ourselves better.
Honestly, Emma, this sent me spiraling into a philosophical rabbit hole. From what I’m understanding, Buddhism sees pure love and romantic love as incompatible-one’s all about selflessness, while the other often seeks validation from others, or at least, the expectation of being loved back (fantastic!). Can these two concepts even coexist (fml)? It’s like trying to find Keith Richards at Coachella… good luck. Perhaps the answer lies in finding someone who understands these love dynamics-maybe that could lead us to a more sustainable, lasting romance that beats the divorce odds. Perhaps it's all about balancing Kant's ideals and Freud's passions ! Perhaps, the less we know the better. Hope this sparks some inspiration for your next Friday night ;)
romantic love is real, its just misunderstood imo, love is always one sided and by coincidence sometimes two people's one sided love coincides. in this case their romantic love serves as a driving force to keep the relationship afloat, both are equally as invested and trying. if only one person has one sided feelings then they either break the relationship or are unhappy in the relationship. both people must choose each other for it to really work and thats very tricky. everyone is a hopeless romantic, theyre just hopeless romantics for different people. find someone who actually aligns with you and chooses you. sometimes some people actually want to have someone who has a one sided love for them, and they go along with it because it benefits them and they dont have to put in any effort, they can just say they chose the other but its not true
My parents told me love is a choice to stan by the person you choose to for the rest of your life, if you make that desision purely on feeling it's more likely to fail, like, love use to be something you did, now it's just something you are supposed to feel all the time otherwise it's not a thing, and therefor you must separte or smth like that, Idk, maybe it's not about just feeling, it takes more than that, no single human thing is just purely about feeling
Romantic love has to be separated from sexual desire. Don't act on those desires with someone very appealing to u then u will have more room in ur soul to accept the total plainness & wholesomeness of romantic love. Eventually u can act on those desires under commitment & also u both get to decide not to get too distracted physically in order to reach each other more mentally & emotionally. ❤❤❤
Over time if you *chose* to stay with a person, there will be spikes and dips in the level of infatuation but that in of itself is part of romantic love. Its the chase, the catch, the hold and the chase again and again over time.
I think it also depends on how a person/ the two people define love for themselves. For some security is love, and for others, it's certain traits that match up (e.g ambition, vision for the future, etc). The definition of love inherently should be fluid, everchanging, and most importantly relative. No one person is like the other therefore it follows that no perception/definition of love is exactly the same. I guess the part that determines whether love works between two people is how well their definitions match up to one another. It doesn't have to be the same but it sure as hell can't directly conflict for it to work.
Friendzone in a nutshell; "I like you and I want you. But, I definitely don't NEED you." "I love you enough to know that you deserve the best. And that the best is certainly not me." THAT is selfless love. It comes from your "Friends". There's a saying from Mark Manson that says; The person you grow to love, is the person you grow to hate. Let that sink in.
I think the biggest factor in this is obviously among ever changing societal norms and differences and a plethora of other factors, love in media and culture is romanticized. We’re taught that you find your true love, when, from what I’ve heard from others, much older and more experienced, true love is built.
you can't be selfless if you don't already harness love. since emotions aren't felt by another other than yourself until its manifested through action or gesture there no way for the other person to really understand your love. you must give yourself to the other to be in love
Romantic love is real, it just becomes more of a purposeful action as time goes by. My husband and I have been together ten years, two kids. It was effortless the first five years, but the heart and soul needs to prepare for turbulence. This world can be messy and unpredictable. True love is also. It can sometimes be arduous even. But as long as both parties are playing by the rules, if two people actually love each other they'll fight for the relationship in times of turbulence. Not arguing, but being strong together.
Common healthy "romantic" love is more like friends with benefits thats leveled up by 1. Most people who actually stuck with their partner for decades say that their SO is mostly just a close friend. But I do believe that in very rare cases people do find "true romantic love." There are people who’ve been in the honeymoon phase from beginning to end. Many of these people die within a few years of each other too. The vast majority of people will not experience this and shouldn't expect it. I think saying it's not real is easier than excepting that it's rare. "If i can't have it, then nobody can." The love people should expect isn't particularly special and needs a lot of work to maintain. It's hard. Like swimming in the ocean without a life jacket hard. That's why so many marriages don't work. Not everyone wants to or can swim like that.
It’s ok to feel hurt, jaded but Real love has no expiration date, romance/attraction does. With real love, romance can ebb and flow but it isn’t necessary at all times. Research limerence. Also, attatchment style and trauma will definitely make you more likely to have unhealthy and fast paced romances. It’s the calmness of knowing and caring about someone that matters. If you put someone on a pedestal, you value anxiety/strong feelings over familiarity and friendship then yeah romantic love sucks, but that’s not healthy? Just because unhealthy romantic love exists doesn’t mean good romantic love doesn’t. Which you never said it didn’t, to be fair. I’m a child of divorce, and also been burnt by the honeymoon phases. I’m now in a long term relationship, and still care about my previous long term relationship because I did love them, truly. But i’m happy we can have better lives separately. However, the short term ones are the ones I feel angry and bitter about, the ones that torment me because I didn’t love them and feel I wasted my energy on it, the ones I would make a video essay akin to this one about. It feels embarrassing, shameful even to be so wrong about love. To mistake a crush for love, hope for love, toxicity for love etc. but love takes time.
romance isn't fundamental its a desire just like lust love in general is real self love is the only love one actually needs to master if not they'll never find love bc love is what you make
You dont have to be naive, nor blind, you just have to meet the right person, which, I agree, is not a simple task. I found mine at 39 but I have always been a romantic at heart and I never lose hope to find real love. But I assure you, when you find it, it is mind blowing, even the movies dont mesure up to that.
romantic love is real trust me - I still love my first love even if we're not together anymore, And I recently fell in love again, but it was one sided - I still consider it romantic love
Can you go off like this on every important factor in life? So good. Such great questioning. Such great insight. Kuddos I know it’s tough to see reality though, so cheers sista
Romantic love is obviously real. That's why people keep chasing it. It's just destined to fail. Now, what I find really amazing is how incredibly rare it is to find the correct analysis about it: that romantic love is ALWAYS unilateral. It flows from the less powerful/lower status/most insecure to the other. It only exists in doubt and insecurity. This thing is not the correct basis for relationship.
As a man who’s passionate about science and philosophy, I will tell you what evolution or nature says - Love is actually impossible. The very reason you love someone is because they have something that you “want or need” which is beneficial for you. Love is like a business, a couple benefits from each other, feelings are subject to change which is why couples fall out of love and go seek out new people. There must be a reason why you would choose a certain person over others, and that very reason is beneficial for you. If the guy didn’t have the qualities you want or need, then you would have looked for someone else. There’s no escaping it, we are not free from our wants and needs. We all benefit from each other. Life is a business, we are just using each other for mutual benefits which increases our chances of survival, this is why I no longer have an interest in love or romantic love. Love is simply an illusion, we get into relationships because we benefit from it. Realising or being aware that love is not real can make the world a better place because people would stop being narcissistic, irrational, delusional, desperate, etc.
I think the message of this video could be reduced to romantic love is real like anger is real. Someone does something, it makes you feel something, but then the emotion goes away over time. You could still choose to take on the obligation to someone else, but that is a separate thing like choosing to dancing.
Romantic love is a real thing ,we just lack on the responsibility of keeping it and growing within it and ourselves in the presence of our partner because it can be really confusing if u rlly are in love with someone and that person is truly the person that meets ur standards for the “perfect”partner for urself or there’s people that rlly just can’t deal with the fact of having and being stuck to just one person and then that’s just fear of that affectionate responsibility it’s a real thing with our generation nowadays,but real romantic love does exist we just are the problem in this love cycle
I ended things with my ex of 4+ years because of incompatibility in lifestyle due to work. we both loved each other for who we were and agreed that if capitalistic-based societal expectations for success (i.e .monetary gain, social status) didn’t exist, we’d be much happier. however, this is not reality- so we decided to split in order to pursue personal goals distraction free.
As someone who has never been "in" love: A relationship can be great without being "in" love. You can be physically attracted, enjoy each others company, be each others partners in life and you you can even love each other. As you say yourself being "in" love subsides anyway. - And even when that doesn't last for whatever reasons doesn't mean it wasn't real while it lasted.
Actions of love are great, but if you are not in love with someone and you just feel the obligation to give without feeling that strong desire, they may not be the one for you
@@emilytreu2312it’s probably a sign if you feel this way early in the relationship that they aren’t the one, but if you have been with someone for a long duration, It’s understandable
Gurl I’ve been saying this for years!!! I never fallin in love cuz I’ve always seen the difference of the delusional falling for someone and actually loving someone. Also I totally played house constantly as a kid
just because romantic love doesn’t always last does not mean it isn’t real??? most of those divorced couples have been in love at one point. just because it ended doesn’t mean it wasn’t real or had no meaning and importance.
Its an illusion but the choice to not wake up and be clear headed is ours. Ignorance is bliss. Ive only experienced true true true love as defined by Buddha through my three children.
Love not existing is like free will not existing. Even if true, I take responsibility for my actions not just say free will is an illusion, so I am not responsible. Love exists if we make it exist. So I for one will love as I have before. The decision to love and focus on it and my partner makes for a better life for both of us. To me this is one of those "so what" questions. I don't think it improves life. It is a kind of emotional nihilism.
Romantic love is a facet of love, but lasting love has to be built on a foundation of friendship. Yeah, marriage fails, Ive been divorced. However, I still believe in the concept of romantic love, just not the fairy tale version that is pushed in movies, etc. Love is a verb, and takes action, patience, commitment and determination. The brain drugs come and go, and if we just chase the oxytocin, and don't put in the work, well that's just addictive behavior. And there is no guarantee it will last. So at least for me... I choose to love, regardless of the outcome, and accept that if it ends, it ends. It was still a gift.
If we want that real romantic, selfless love. Instead of that pedestal obsession… then maybe we need to learn to love all the parts of a person. Even the parts that don’t love us back. Even if it means holding off on marriage- or never getting together, if that’s what best for all. Doing the hard sacrifices is the real romance.
Romantic love is choosing a person and stick with it no matter what in every phase of life and oneself , it’s a choice. And of course not choose whoever but when you found him or her keep choosing him/her always . And btw you forget a very important point we are humans which means not perfect so we can’t have a perfect love which is the true love, but we can make the best out of what we have/are so we can simply love not perfectly just love also love is a thing that we can only determine after years or maybe when we die.
Aren’t all emotions of creation of human mind thus they aren’t actually real? Does it matter if we’re delusional or not? Universe doesn’t care about that so why should we neither. Just enjoy your thing as long as it lasts.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
reciprocity is like the foundation of a relationship tho... I don't know what they're really like, I've never had one, but I've had relationships and like... that's the point...
I think the growth in divorce rate is impacted from factors that doesnt necessarily involve 'romance' and if whether 'romantic love' is real for humans Theres cultural and economic shifts in our society throughout history that influence our relationships with the world and with people around us For example, the decline of religion in the west does bring to most people a lifestyle thats further away to the idealized parter-family life way of living, and as an atheist myself, i do believe it has had its negative effects on new generations because of this, as well as an inclination towards the scientific explanations of things on the last few decades, which for some people, narrow down the idea of what is 'love' alongside other things, disapointing themselves with the 'it is only a chemical effect in your brain and no more' things that for some, dull down the concept of romance I will say i dont think romance is simply a made up thing to polish the fact that we do most of what we do for biological reasons, because we have consiousness, and we rationalize and are able to change the way we do things and the why's which is what makes us different from everyother animal in the planet So it doesnt matter how love or romance looks like, i do think theres a more profound reason of why it is there and why i believe, has always been there no matter how subcounsious, especially as we evolve, and our brains develop But going back, marriage is a thing people would do in the past for reasons either political or religious, that no longer stand ground nowadays, which means it solely is used to represent nowadays something that is constantly changing over time It will obviously be way more fragile than it once used to be especially when we now more than ever, have the freedom to be and choose whoever and how ever many people we want to be with, divorces happen also, between people who are still in love, theres several reasons why the percentages are what they are, its not a yes or no sort of dicussion, but a much more complex and difficult to narrow down phenomenon Not only lack of religion, but also, the lack of trust in the govermentn, in institutions, technological advances, climate change and economy which impacts many things like people not wanting to have kids anymore, etc Oh man i could also begin a whole new parragraph yapping about what is 'romantic love' supposed to be and how the historical time frames have sculptured what romance is and how it looks like depending on the moment in time youre in.. im not going to go on, im just saying theres not a simple answer, as with most things in life, and thats if there is indeed one for this conversation, it definitely is not in between the black&white of if romantic love exists or not
interesting point of view. The intentions of marriage...married under the church...or the fact you're lawfully husband and wife doesn't have an important input to marriage.
Well love is a real thing, it's just not this movie like thing, it's more of an OH you're cool, you exist, I love you! I love that you exist! And that's it, like simple... And then the rest of "romantic" love is just sexual attraction I've found, which you can go from partner to partner with. You don't have to force all things with one person, it's just weird yk????
As someone whose married and been in a relationship for 12 years, you might be overthinking it. Romantic love is amazing but a relationship is more than just romance. Its about partnership. If you want a love like in the movies, your already starting on the wrong foot. At the end of the day loving someone is a choice not a tingly feeling or obsession. We've all been programmed (mostly by Disney & Hollywood) that love is something its not. Also just because it doesn't last forever, doesn't mean it's not love. Sometimes when you love someone you have to let them go. That doesn't mean the love never existed or is fake.
I think that's exactly it. It's not that love doesn't exist, but the love as the one taught to us by fairytales and Hollywood might not. I would say that as I grow older I realize love should be much more about trust, respect, communication than excitement, passion and drama. Love should be peaceful.
I think you misunderstood her big time.
nah real romantic love that isn’t a “choice” exists. you just have to meet someone who’s your best friend and it just happens naturally. ya’ll are sad
I agree that the way love has been portrayed in media for a long time is flawed, just look at The Notebook, or Leia and Han Solo lol, etc., but I don't think Emma said anything to suggest rejecting that notion, or any of what you're saying, for that matter. She was focusing on how a staggering amount of people rush into marrige before coming out of the honeymoon phase, and end up having to deal with pain from seperation or wasted time afterwards. In addition, she elaborated on seperating love from things it's not, but often gets mistaken for. While most of her thoughts might've gone down a predictable path thorughout the talk, she kind of knows this already (given from all the times she prefaced that smth she believes is cliche) + while for us it's obvious, there are still lots of people, who might benefit from hearing these things said out loud.
Now I think you’re the one who should the video on love, not her
This take is so tired. The media feeds us a narrative that romantic love is dead, but think about the 1950’s. Arguably, they were the most love sick generation. That’s because their media was centered around being in love and getting married. If you don’t want to be a part of the 50% who gets divorced, realize that it’s going to require WORK. And it’s not always cute or fun to be in a long term relationship. But, it’s rewarding as hell. Realize that this narrative that Tik Tok and pop music feeds us doesn’t have to be the standard! We create the standard, so if you don’t like it, be the change!
Preach! We need more romance to be shown in the media-im tired of nihilism!
I agree, because yes romantic love isn't real because people get divorces. The bad thing about the internet is that anyone can have a voice . It's also good, but Golly..
so what ur saying is that love is dead
Not only that, but America was in between wars. They call them Boomers for a reason... those soldiers came home and immediately started families. It wasn't just a reproduction thing. Being that close to death will make you appreciate your significant other a lot more to the point of romanticizing them. The 2000s were like that lowkey... I saw a lot more couples in love back then.
So many people in the 50s ended up in abusive relationships, overburdened and trapped too young in life with too many kids. I’m sure many had their white picket fence fantasies come true - maybe that is your family’s story. I know conservatives love to romanticize a rose-tinted glasses version of the 50s but I think you also need to acknowledge how much unhappiness in trapped marriages led to domestic abuse, alcoholism and many societal problems too. Ultimately too complicated to generalize about.
Its just choosing eachother everyday
Super simple
"True Love" is just a really good friendship punctuated with bouts of infatuation
it kinda bummed me out when she didn't bring up friendship in romantic relationships once, makes me feel shitty for the partners she's had cause friendship I would say is often the meat or like the glue of a healthy romantic relationship
@@jojopatrice19 why do you feel bad for her partners?
@@jacob_massengale for her + and her partners bc it doesn't seem like there was a fulfilling friendship within the romantic relationships and imo thts a major part of the fun - being someone's bestie and hanging out with them along w the romance part and sexual attraction part, hope this clarifies!
I don't think romantic love is real or special, and I think romantic relationships are a bad thing. I think humans should just stop being in romantic relationships. I feel like this world would be a much better place without romance than it is with it. Romance seems like an ugly thing.
Many mothers and fathers won't allow their daughters to date when they are in high school or still living with them. It does seem that nearly all parents are hoping that their daughters never date or get married and remain single for their whole life due to the dangers and risks of romantic relationships.
The overprotective parent thing is proof that romantic relationships are a bad thing, and that this world would be a much better place without them. If someday that the human race ditches the concept of romance and romantic relationships, and got rid of stuff like dating and marriage, mothers and fathers would be happy about it since they wouldn't ever have to worry about their daughters ever dating if that ever happened.
People (especially women) should avoid being in a romantic relationship and be single for life since romantic relationships are dangerous.
I don’t think romantic love has to last forever to exist :’)
This ^
I don't think the romantic type of love is special, and I think that the romantic type of love isn't real. More than half of romantic couples either break up with each other or divorce each other. I think humans should just ditch concepts like dating, marriage, and pair bonding. I feel like this world would be a much better place without romance than it is with it.
In my opinion, it is quite natural to love your parents more than your spouse. Your parents come before your spouse. Romantic love isn't special and it's probably not even real. No one will ever love you like your parents.
A romantic partner is replaceable, a person can get remarried, a romantic partner isn't a guarantee in life. Your parents if they do a good job will always remain. Your love for your parents is eternal. Spousal love fades over time. Parental love is much longer lasting. Your parents are the ones who gave you life.
After all, they are the reason for your existence and much more. The love that a child receives from a parent in most cases (with the exception of abusive parent child relationships), is unconditional. Your parents will love you a lot more than your romantic partner ever will.
If you love your spouse more than your parents, then you have no loyalty. You are not someone that is worth developing any sort of emotional bond with.
Parental love is stronger by far than any other love on earth, pure and simple. Blood is thicker than water. There is no comparison between the number of divorces one sees, compared to the number of parents who disown their children. Parental love is almost totally unconditional, whereas any other love is totally conditional.
The love between a parent and child is the most powerful in the world. Unrelenting and unconditional. It never fades. Romantic love, even marital love, can fade just fine. You’d get your parent or child’s name tattooed on you. A spouse or partner? Bad idea. Marriages don’t always last. Family does.
Society forces you into monogamy, the only natural thing in this world is your parents, your children, and death. Romantic love is at the end of the day a construct humans created. Sibling love is also almost as strong as parental love. Platonic love can also be pretty strong too and can be as strong as sibling love.
If you love your spouse more than your parents, then you have no loyalty. You are not someone that is worth developing any sort of emotional bond with.
Parental love is stronger by far than any other love on earth, pure and simple. Blood is thicker than water. There is no comparison between the number of divorces one sees, compared to the number of parents who disown their children. Parental love is almost totally unconditional, whereas any other love is totally conditional.
The love between a parent and child is the most powerful in the world. Unrelenting and unconditional. It never fades. Romantic love, even marital love, can fade just fine. You’d get your parent or child’s name tattooed on you. A spouse or partner? Bad idea. Marriages don’t always last. Family does.
Society forces you into monogamy, the only natural thing in this world is your parents, your children, and death. Romantic love is at the end of the day a construct humans created.
Sibling love is also almost as strong as parental love. Platonic love can also be pretty strong too and can be as strong as sibling love.
I remind myself that true love exists because it exists inside of me, therefore it MUST exist inside of others. "the love for me exists simply because I do"!!!! I do not think love is a delusion, rather, I think love is the MOST human experience one could have. But, as others have mentioned, relationships are about and need much more than just love. They need trust, consideration, respect, healthy communication, etc. A lot of people are not equipped with the tools OR unfortunately do not have the curiosity or care to learn them, which is why I believe a lot of marriages end in divorce. I also think a lot of people confuse love with lust.
This should be the top comment ❤
My love, mine all mine
Its because society glorifies romantic love when in fact platonic love from friendships and community is more important in having a fulfilling life. Partnership/ romantic relationship formed from this, usually stood the test of times and have much more stronger connection
Ok see, I think “romantic” love and “platonic” love are the same fundamentally. Romantic love has the addition of sexual attraction but take that away & you should still have the same exact love. Patriarchy created a false separation to give romantic love different standards so men can get away with treating women less than human & for consumerism. That’s a hot take though I guess.
@@MeelaMeela000 this I also have a hard time to distinguish platonic love and romantic love as an Aroace person. What people think "romantic" love is usually just attraction.
Romantic love and platonic love are no where near the same. I do not feel the same way about my best friend and boyfriend. The connection with him goes way deeper and sex is just an expression of that connection. I’m close with friends but it is just not the same and I think anyone in a long term committed relationship would say the same.
@@MeelaMeela000this is such common sense to me it baffles me it’s a hot take
I don't think the romantic type of love is special and I don't think the romantic type of love is even real, while I do think platonic love is real and special. More than half of romantic couples either break up with each other or divorce each other, while most platonic best friends remain friends until death.
People tend to fight with their partner or spouse a lot more than they do with a platonic best friend, and you never fight with your best friend the way you fight with your partner or spouse. Partners and spouses are just temporary. If you break up or divorce them, it's hard to go back to them.
With your platonic best friend, you're going to make things work, because they are your best friend, they are your go to partner. It's always easier to make amends with them than it is with a romantic partner.
Romantic relationships are pointless, while platonic relationships are not.
Romantics are a dying breed but we still exist
thus, we must persist
@@JessicaChloé-ChristHeart but can we coexist?
@@soonaftermidnight in bliss! And yet true love will only be known after the tryst, lets try leave no opportunity missed
its only women who are romantics … men have 0 inclination towards romance , they pretend so that they get the kitty.
@@yudollia Wrong
girly sells coffee but is serving tea
She actually sells tea too😂
i'm afraid you ate w that statement
@@justagirl17i agree!!!
the matcha next to her
@@justagirl17
i really do think that if something feels real, then its real. There is no point in dissecting it further. There are innumerable scholars around the world that think we are living in a simulation, that our entire experience isn't "real" - but who cares. At the end of the day, the entire conversation is inconsequential because it feels real to us. So, whether romantic love exists or not, it doesn't matter if what you are feeling feels real to you in that moment. Don't let some pseudo-intellectual conversation about what's real and what's an illusion stop you from living your life and diving head first into things that feel right.
Philosophers and mathematicians beg to differ on that one.
@@creativeb549 and they can waste their lives running their little thought experiments and talking about it ad nauseam. I'm too busy experiencing my life to care!
I think slowly falling in love with someone is far better than any highs and lows cuz then youll know the person
Love is patient and kind. Love does not envy or boast. It is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way. It is not irritable or resentful. It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
i disagree. my boyfriend is irritable that i drink all the time and he holds me accountable and i will cut back for him, thats love. me getting upset with him about not working was love, now he works and were growing our relationship together. I was not gonna be "patient" and "kind"forever for our relationship to move to the next step. you dont have to bear everything your partner does in the name of love, you should love yourself enough to understand what kind of love you deserve and maybe motivate your partner to understand that as well, so you dont just up and leave at least give them a chance if theyre struggling, but if theyre always struggling to love you right, you should leave and not endure that. men especially will give you the bare minimum and not go out of their way to show you they truly love you, it took me a while to realize that if you just love unconditionally and are empathetic towards their toxic behavior youll lose your golden years to some loser. Love doesnt bear all things, kids are sometimes raped by their step fathers and because the mom doesnt want to look at her husband as a rapist she just endures it. love doesnt bear all things. lets not teach women to think this way. true love is about respecting each other
just because the christian worldview works for you doesn’t mean it works for everyone else!
Yes leave & don't endure that. Take care of urself too. We can be patient from afar while we do our own things. @@7empestwaters
That's from the "Bible" and it's not real.
@@terrycraig6386 oh so... U can't be all of those things?
the technical term is oxytocin bonding. of course we do things backwards in our culture. we try to fall in love first then get to know the person when we should be doing the reverse (vasopressin bonding). if you want the entire relationship to be a honeymoon not just the first 6 months you'll have to learn how to attach securely with experiential therapy and change your vetting strategy.
Excellent! This is it.
love is a belief at the end of the day. you will never be able to “prove” its existence. the closest you can get is staying true to your values, keeping your word, being honest and authentic, etc. then when you say you love someone, or someone like that says they love you, you know its real because they truly embody their beliefs. and that makes love real. if that makes sense.
My favorite definition of love is by Aquinas "to consistently will and choose the good of the other." Romantic love, equality, World Peace, No man Left behind, and No one is free until everyone is free, are notions that have no defined destination, They exist in the domain of infinite games(learnt from Simon Sinek).(The purpose of the infinite game is to keep our deepest values[such as love, patience, kindness etc] in play) As such there are no winners or losers. Just ahead and behind, anyone can grow in and out of them at any point.
Romantic love is real, you just need to want it, make that effort to be romantic, but also have that romance reciprocated. I’d say the failure rate is partly because love isn’t always enough to hold a relationship in the long run, as someone going through a break up, I find myself still loving my ex, but we had to part because we weren’t compatible in the end of the day, and love couldn’t save us, to last we required more. Many people get together but aren’t asking each other important questions, like views on finances, family, morals, love languages, fighting styles, etc. And that’s what I realized what had happened with my past relationship. I think it’s important to understand to love someone isn’t always sunshine and rainbows, because we as humans are flawed, we have trauma, issues, and when we don’t deal with those issues in our singleness, or even in our relationships, it can cause more damage than good. But to love someone id say romantically is to also love them unconditionally, to choose to love despite the rainy days, just as they are choosing to love you on those rainy days, everyday isn’t going to be easy to choose their partner, and maybe that’s why people divorce or cheat, they chose the wrong person, not knowing them completely until being married, or maybe they don’t realize or want to put in the work of having a loving, romantic relationship. Id agree wholeheartedly with you tho, when you say you need to be realistic about love and choose to be selfless, when you and a person choose each other in that sense, there is security and compatibility and a mission to choose each other, do the work, and never give up, but maybe grow together which can be a strong bond, but alas it takes two and well finding that other person can be hard, lol I’m ranting but I loved your talk :)
denial
I rarely ever comment but feel compelled to just say that all of this is facts and what you ended on is a truly beautiful statement. I’m really sorry to hear about your breakup, but am so proud of you, stranger on the internet, for ultimately choosing what was right for you. Just from reading your comment, the right someone, someday, is going to be really lucky to have had you choose them. Wishing you all the best 🤍
@@jaim2000 Thank you so much fellow internet stranger, that made my day :) wishing you the same blessings
@@joonjonjewnothing to say, huh?
high rate of divorce could imply that people are actually belive in "real romantic love". They end their marriages because they cant develop deeper feelings for the other person when sense of excitement an newnes wears off. They don't want to deal with reality and overcome everyday problems together with love and understanding - they seem something new, "easier" and exciting. Idea of romantic love which comes mostly from books and movies ruins marriages and true love...
This is facts
The statistic is incredibly misleading and i thought people already knew that lol. The statistic is skewed by individuals who divorce multiple times over and over. It’s actually much lower.
great words
I agree with 99%, but I don’t think people pick each other bc we feel they are better than others. We all have our imperfections and I think we pick those who we have a “connection” to bc we feel seen and heard from this individual
this is absolutely true
Connection!
Kind of, but this misses the filter of attraction that people can have at the beginning. It limits the pool of people to which that connection can be had. To be clear, not everyone is like this
I think you maybe are searching for a word that does not exist in English, as far as I know, in order to be able to differentiate between love and erotic infatuation. In my language, Greek, we differentiate the two as different concepts with the words agape and eros. The loose translation is love and falling in love.
I feel like romantic love is similar to religion
You are correct if referring to Christianity. God loves the church as a man loves his wife.
Literally thought the same. I would really love the comfort of an all giving, loving and just god but i only see horrible things in his world. While the people that believe in a god which i dont think is real do actually get allot of comfort out of him just like the people really believing in love get that comfort. Although eventually they might feel betrayed by their believes. At which point they lose the comfort for ever.
Chris Evans back now and right now and see if you cool in now soon sex life me and my now free day luck with that one
it does, you've just never experienced it. which is why you need to ensure other people feel they haven't either. otherwise it makes the loneliness more jarring.
at the end she said that she believes that it can be real but its extremely hard to find
Maybe the reason why experiencing real love is so rare it's because we live in a selfish society, which considers love as something you need to achieve in order to be happy. Everybody cares only about their own happiness.
Love exists, because theres a mothers love, fathers love, platonic love, romantic love. Love is real and its too chose to love someone everyday because you want them in your life, its connection.
emma straight channeling wisdom, this came up in my recs right when im dealing w a situation like it. THANKYOU🌟
emma straight chaimberlaining . Someone who knows Emma just let her know I’m single thanks
okay so because it doesnt last forever it doesnt mean that romantic love doesnt exist lol
word
Right
True.
As someone who recently decided to end my 7 year relationship, I relate and and agree with so much of what she’s saying. Being single is also very fulfilling and peaceful. Thanks for speaking on this.
Society puts romance on a pedestal. Too much emphasis on it, no wonder why so many people end up with partners that they hate. Almost like you must be with someone just because you like each other, even though you are not compatible. Romance is not going anywhere any time soon so, I don't understand the point of going nuts over it. A lot of people are not going to find "the one" and that's alright. Then you'll find "the one" is you. Or a friend. I love my friends above any romantic partner.
It's because factually we have not evolved past communal living, it was around the time Mormonism took hold that monogamy became the social norm. It was not the result of evolution. Romantic love fades gradually, and a new partner is wanted. We have the ability to decide whether to give in to this drive or not. It doesn't make sense to many people to give in to that drive, due to the way society is structured around the nuclear family now.
This fact, and the fact that during sex, female humans take on the male DNA, even if they don't procreate together, and start to resemble that male over time (long term relationships) makes me think we end up becoming more like family with our partner over the course of time, and less like a romantic partner, which gives credence to the whole evolutionary response of wanting to seek new partners.
I struggle with jealousy, but as someone who doesnt really like polyamory, I sure as hell question the longevity of monogamy.
I’m so impressed as a 50 year old woman, that you’ve discovered this so young..it’s all hormone driven and society feeds off the insecurities of girls when it comes to “finding “ the one.. all love becomes more like friends in the end imo🎉🎉
The divorce rate is higher because divorce is becoming more normalized in society than ever before. Before people understood it was a benefit to them and to society and they believed in religion which supports marriage and looks down on divorce.
I think we hear more about ‘bad love’ because beautiful real love doesn’t ask for attention. It goes unnoticed to most
spot on
As someone who’s parents had an arranged marriage and then got divorced 21 years later, I totally agree with the being in love bs truly loving. My parents never were in love but they do love each other like after everything that happened between them and us, my parents will still take care of eachother when they’re sick, my mom will cook for my dad if he wants it. There’s a sense of protectiveness of their new spouses as well, honestly like Emma put so many of my thoughts to words in this episode
I think all of these feelings can co-exist within the same relationship, just the fact that infatuation and the feeling of security are present, doesn't mean that there aren't moments/ an underlying feeling of true love.
i think love is more like an unstoppable force and romantic love is a manifestation of that in a certain context. you know it when it happens. love being an illusion in exclusion to reality requires reality to not be an illusion. tried and true, tempered, and might i add not all romantic love requires permanent marriage. some things are timely, some things are forever, and sometimes those are the same thing. go figure. go study philotic resonance.
not believing in love is the delusion. not love is the illusion.
wheres the emma chatbot so i can continue this conversation
Romantic love is not innate to us its a culturally shaped experience. Doesn't mean people dont experience it but for us who don't its a hell of a world because it's all directed towards that. We end up alone bc all our friends are married and starting families etc. The law and government also favours couples.
I agree, though, I think people are starting to change definitions for love. Limerance is what you were describing, that obsessive, happy chemical type of attachment. Whereas, a truer romantic love (prob rare) would be more like wanting to understand a person, as close as possible. I think the problem is that society makes it so romantic love automatically means getting together, (ready or not.) When rom-love is actually deeply feeling someone to be special. Thus reserving special things for them- kissing, gifts. I do think it’s silly that monogamy is standard tho. Perhaps a work around would be therapy, or dating a friend pragmatically lol
TLDR: society’s social construct version of love is the limerence illusion, whereas actual romantic love is choosing the best life for both- not without those crushy, ‘illogical’ feelings but despite of them.
Marriage doesn't mean romantic love, and romantic love doesn't mean marriage.
I understand, Emma, wholeheartedly. It was refreshing to hear my unpopular opinion aloud. People rarely experience unconditional love, even from their own parents. People deem relationships “unhealthy” when there’s no reciprocity. It in fact is rooted in ego and entitlement. People are quick to dismiss the love felt when a person walks away, there’s no selfless love in letting go.
Romantic love isn't what you feel, it's what you do, what you practice, and people are lazy and don't practice much of anything anymore. Romeo and Julliet isn't a tragedy, it's a comedy. It's Shakespeare making fun of Romantic Love or what people's preconceived notions are of it. Love is work, love is duty, love is anything but romantic, although at times it can be quite romantic indeed.
love doesn't have to be immortal in order to be real
Life is not so black and white it’s many different shades and tones and life and people never ever do exactly what you want or expect your first problem is your own expectations
Love has stages. Romantic love will turn into a deep friendship and companionship over years if you are with the right person.
Wrong. Love is actually impossible because the very reason you love someone is because they have something that you want or need which is beneficial for you. Love is like a business, that’s why feelings are subject to change. So love is simply an illusion, we get into relationships because we benefit from it, you can’t deny that.
@@dripxenseixensei3822 You can disagree with me but I don’t think you should say I am wrong. What you are talking about is a conditional love which I do not believe is a true love.
@@maya-od if you are wrong, then of course I’m going to correct you. There’s no such thing as true or false love, it’s just the mechanism of dopamine, serotonin, etc - a product of evolution. The love that you speak of is just a human concept, it has no empirical or rational evidence to support it but my version of love is supported by evidence. If “true love” is real, then show me evidence, oh wait, you can’t 😂 I’m not trying to offend you, I just find it funny how deluded people are, believing they know what is real or not, yet they don’t realise that “confirmation bias” is at play. If I may ask, what is true love? Maybe your definition is real. But the traditional love or romantic love is an illusion, it simply can’t be real because it’s not possible.
@@dripxenseixensei3822 i wish you nothing but the best
@@dripxenseixensei3822 i wish u the best.
I think ur right, it's all a game of "pretending" for our egos but at the same time I think it's a necessary game to play in order to have the human experience and understand ourselves better.
Agreed, love isn’t a feeling, it is an action
Honestly, Emma, this sent me spiraling into a philosophical rabbit hole. From what I’m understanding, Buddhism sees pure love and romantic love as incompatible-one’s all about selflessness, while the other often seeks validation from others, or at least, the expectation of being loved back (fantastic!). Can these two concepts even coexist (fml)? It’s like trying to find Keith Richards at Coachella… good luck.
Perhaps the answer lies in finding someone who understands these love dynamics-maybe that could lead us to a more sustainable, lasting romance that beats the divorce odds. Perhaps it's all about balancing Kant's ideals and Freud's passions !
Perhaps, the less we know the better. Hope this sparks some inspiration for your next Friday night ;)
“They were very flawed” 😂😂😂
“Grandma, I’ve found the one…” 😂
You had me at NOT a Real thing! xo Lets move on and be real! Our Girl got a point xx
romantic love is real, its just misunderstood imo, love is always one sided and by coincidence sometimes two people's one sided love coincides. in this case their romantic love serves as a driving force to keep the relationship afloat, both are equally as invested and trying. if only one person has one sided feelings then they either break the relationship or are unhappy in the relationship. both people must choose each other for it to really work and thats very tricky. everyone is a hopeless romantic, theyre just hopeless romantics for different people. find someone who actually aligns with you and chooses you. sometimes some people actually want to have someone who has a one sided love for them, and they go along with it because it benefits them and they dont have to put in any effort, they can just say they chose the other but its not true
My parents told me love is a choice to stan by the person you choose to for the rest of your life, if you make that desision purely on feeling it's more likely to fail, like, love use to be something you did, now it's just something you are supposed to feel all the time otherwise it's not a thing, and therefor you must separte or smth like that, Idk, maybe it's not about just feeling, it takes more than that, no single human thing is just purely about feeling
Romantic love has to be separated from sexual desire. Don't act on those desires with someone very appealing to u then u will have more room in ur soul to accept the total plainness & wholesomeness of romantic love. Eventually u can act on those desires under commitment & also u both get to decide not to get too distracted physically in order to reach each other more mentally & emotionally. ❤❤❤
Thankyou for giving me another view point
Over time if you *chose* to stay with a person, there will be spikes and dips in the level of infatuation but that in of itself is part of romantic love. Its the chase, the catch, the hold and the chase again and again over time.
I think it also depends on how a person/ the two people define love for themselves. For some security is love, and for others, it's certain traits that match up (e.g ambition, vision for the future, etc). The definition of love inherently should be fluid, everchanging, and most importantly relative. No one person is like the other therefore it follows that no perception/definition of love is exactly the same. I guess the part that determines whether love works between two people is how well their definitions match up to one another. It doesn't have to be the same but it sure as hell can't directly conflict for it to work.
Sooo true !!!❤❤
Friendzone in a nutshell;
"I like you and I want you. But, I definitely don't NEED you."
"I love you enough to know that you deserve the best. And that the best is certainly not me."
THAT is selfless love. It comes from your "Friends".
There's a saying from Mark Manson that says; The person you grow to love, is the person you grow to hate. Let that sink in.
I think the biggest factor in this is obviously among ever changing societal norms and differences and a plethora of other factors, love in media and culture is romanticized. We’re taught that you find your true love, when, from what I’ve heard from others, much older and more experienced, true love is built.
you can't be selfless if you don't already harness love. since emotions aren't felt by another other than yourself until its manifested through action or gesture there no way for the other person to really understand your love. you must give yourself to the other to be in love
It’s about fighting for the one you love. And standing together through everything
Romantic love is 100% real. Monogamy and/or the structure of hetero relationships is what’s possibly the issue.
Romantic love is real, it just becomes more of a purposeful action as time goes by. My husband and I have been together ten years, two kids. It was effortless the first five years, but the heart and soul needs to prepare for turbulence. This world can be messy and unpredictable. True love is also. It can sometimes be arduous even. But as long as both parties are playing by the rules, if two people actually love each other they'll fight for the relationship in times of turbulence. Not arguing, but being strong together.
Common healthy "romantic" love is more like friends with benefits thats leveled up by 1. Most people who actually stuck with their partner for decades say that their SO is mostly just a close friend. But I do believe that in very rare cases people do find "true romantic love." There are people who’ve been in the honeymoon phase from beginning to end. Many of these people die within a few years of each other too. The vast majority of people will not experience this and shouldn't expect it. I think saying it's not real is easier than excepting that it's rare. "If i can't have it, then nobody can." The love people should expect isn't particularly special and needs a lot of work to maintain. It's hard. Like swimming in the ocean without a life jacket hard. That's why so many marriages don't work. Not everyone wants to or can swim like that.
philosophical AF, i dig it
It’s ok to feel hurt, jaded but
Real love has no expiration date, romance/attraction does. With real love, romance can ebb and flow but it isn’t necessary at all times.
Research limerence.
Also, attatchment style and trauma will definitely make you more likely to have unhealthy and fast paced romances. It’s the calmness of knowing and caring about someone that matters. If you put someone on a pedestal, you value anxiety/strong feelings over familiarity and friendship then yeah romantic love sucks, but that’s not healthy? Just because unhealthy romantic love exists doesn’t mean good romantic love doesn’t. Which you never said it didn’t, to be fair. I’m a child of divorce, and also been burnt by the honeymoon phases. I’m now in a long term relationship, and still care about my previous long term relationship because I did love them, truly. But i’m happy we can have better lives separately.
However, the short term ones are the ones I feel angry and bitter about, the ones that torment me because I didn’t love them and feel I wasted my energy on it, the ones I would make a video essay akin to this one about. It feels embarrassing, shameful even to be so wrong about love. To mistake a crush for love, hope for love, toxicity for love etc. but love takes time.
romance isn't fundamental its a desire just like lust love in general is real self love is the only love one actually needs to master if not they'll never find love bc love is what you make
You dont have to be naive, nor blind, you just have to meet the right person, which, I agree, is not a simple task. I found mine at 39 but I have always been a romantic at heart and I never lose hope to find real love. But I assure you, when you find it, it is mind blowing, even the movies dont mesure up to that.
I think romantic love is a phase in some relationships. There are so many different types of love and everyone has a different definition of it.
romantic love is real trust me - I still love my first love even if we're not together anymore, And I recently fell in love again, but it was one sided - I still consider it romantic love
Can you go off like this on every important factor in life? So good. Such great questioning. Such great insight.
Kuddos
I know it’s tough to see reality though, so cheers sista
Romantic love is obviously real. That's why people keep chasing it. It's just destined to fail.
Now, what I find really amazing is how incredibly rare it is to find the correct analysis about it: that romantic love is ALWAYS unilateral. It flows from the less powerful/lower status/most insecure to the other. It only exists in doubt and insecurity.
This thing is not the correct basis for relationship.
As a man who’s passionate about science and philosophy, I will tell you what evolution or nature says - Love is actually impossible. The very reason you love someone is because they have something that you “want or need” which is beneficial for you. Love is like a business, a couple benefits from each other, feelings are subject to change which is why couples fall out of love and go seek out new people. There must be a reason why you would choose a certain person over others, and that very reason is beneficial for you. If the guy didn’t have the qualities you want or need, then you would have looked for someone else. There’s no escaping it, we are not free from our wants and needs. We all benefit from each other. Life is a business, we are just using each other for mutual benefits which increases our chances of survival, this is why I no longer have an interest in love or romantic love. Love is simply an illusion, we get into relationships because we benefit from it. Realising or being aware that love is not real can make the world a better place because people would stop being narcissistic, irrational, delusional, desperate, etc.
I can listen to Emma yapping all day
I need to save this video for later as a reminder for when I think Im in love
4:54 STOP, TAKE IT BACK.!!
Emma, I love you though. You’re so aware, and I relate to a lot of your ideas and thoughts.
I think the message of this video could be reduced to romantic love is real like anger is real. Someone does something, it makes you feel something, but then the emotion goes away over time. You could still choose to take on the obligation to someone else, but that is a separate thing like choosing to dancing.
Romantic love is a real thing ,we just lack on the responsibility of keeping it and growing within it and ourselves in the presence of our partner because it can be really confusing if u rlly are in love with someone and that person is truly the person that meets ur standards for the “perfect”partner for urself or there’s people that rlly just can’t deal with the fact of having and being stuck to just one person and then that’s just fear of that affectionate responsibility it’s a real thing with our generation nowadays,but real romantic love does exist we just are the problem in this love cycle
just came here to tell you that you are so FCKNG cute and beautiful.
I ended things with my ex of 4+ years because of incompatibility in lifestyle due to work. we both loved each other for who we were and agreed that if capitalistic-based societal expectations for success (i.e .monetary gain, social status) didn’t exist, we’d be much happier. however, this is not reality- so we decided to split in order to pursue personal goals distraction free.
Just let that smoothie die in the background, damn.
As someone who has never been "in" love: A relationship can be great without being "in" love. You can be physically attracted, enjoy each others company, be each others partners in life and you you can even love each other. As you say yourself being "in" love subsides anyway. - And even when that doesn't last for whatever reasons doesn't mean it wasn't real while it lasted.
Love is an action not a feeling
Actions of love are great, but if you are not in love with someone and you just feel the obligation to give without feeling that strong desire, they may not be the one for you
@@bobbyvaldez185 strong desire fades over time. That’s reality. Everything else is fairy tale. Sorry
@@emilytreu2312it’s probably a sign if you feel this way early in the relationship that they aren’t the one, but if you have been with someone for a long duration,
It’s understandable
@@bobbyvaldez185 I don’t think there is a “one”
Gurl I’ve been saying this for years!!! I never fallin in love cuz I’ve always seen the difference of the delusional falling for someone and actually loving someone. Also I totally played house constantly as a kid
just because romantic love doesn’t always last does not mean it isn’t real??? most of those divorced couples have been in love at one point. just because it ended doesn’t mean it wasn’t real or had no meaning and importance.
Its an illusion but the choice to not wake up and be clear headed is ours. Ignorance is bliss. Ive only experienced true true true love as defined by Buddha through my three children.
C.S. Lewis wrote an incredible book called The Four Loves. It’s incredible and addresses so much that goes untouched far too often!
Love not existing is like free will not existing. Even if true, I take responsibility for my actions not just say free will is an illusion, so I am not responsible. Love exists if we make it exist. So I for one will love as I have before. The decision to love and focus on it and my partner makes for a better life for both of us. To me this is one of those "so what" questions. I don't think it improves life. It is a kind of emotional nihilism.
Romantic love is a facet of love, but lasting love has to be built on a foundation of friendship. Yeah, marriage fails, Ive been divorced. However, I still believe in the concept of romantic love, just not the fairy tale version that is pushed in movies, etc. Love is a verb, and takes action, patience, commitment and determination. The brain drugs come and go, and if we just chase the oxytocin, and don't put in the work, well that's just addictive behavior. And there is no guarantee it will last. So at least for me... I choose to love, regardless of the outcome, and accept that if it ends, it ends. It was still a gift.
what’s brand of your glasses?
❤❤
If we want that real romantic, selfless love. Instead of that pedestal obsession… then maybe we need to learn to love all the parts of a person. Even the parts that don’t love us back. Even if it means holding off on marriage- or never getting together, if that’s what best for all. Doing the hard sacrifices is the real romance.
It’s not real but if you want the practical, material benefits of marriage, you’ve got to play along.
Romantic love is choosing a person and stick with it no matter what in every phase of life and oneself , it’s a choice. And of course not choose whoever but when you found him or her keep choosing him/her always .
And btw you forget a very important point we are humans which means not perfect so we can’t have a perfect love which is the true love, but we can make the best out of what we have/are so we can simply love not perfectly just love also love is a thing that we can only determine after years or maybe when we die.
Aren’t all emotions of creation of human mind thus they aren’t actually real? Does it matter if we’re delusional or not? Universe doesn’t care about that so why should we neither. Just enjoy your thing as long as it lasts.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
"Romantic love is not a real thing".....have you watched BBC SHERLOCK
emmmmmma romantic love is not a real thing but i love you bc youre literally saying everything on my mind
reciprocity is like the foundation of a relationship tho... I don't know what they're really like, I've never had one, but I've had relationships and like... that's the point...
I think the growth in divorce rate is impacted from factors that doesnt necessarily involve 'romance' and if whether 'romantic love' is real for humans
Theres cultural and economic shifts in our society throughout history that influence our relationships with the world and with people around us
For example, the decline of religion in the west does bring to most people a lifestyle thats further away to the idealized parter-family life way of living, and as an atheist myself, i do believe it has had its negative effects on new generations because of this, as well as an inclination towards the scientific explanations of things on the last few decades, which for some people, narrow down the idea of what is 'love' alongside other things, disapointing themselves with the 'it is only a chemical effect in your brain and no more' things that for some, dull down the concept of romance
I will say i dont think romance is simply a made up thing to polish the fact that we do most of what we do for biological reasons, because we have consiousness, and we rationalize and are able to change the way we do things and the why's which is what makes us different from everyother animal in the planet
So it doesnt matter how love or romance looks like, i do think theres a more profound reason of why it is there and why i believe, has always been there no matter how subcounsious, especially as we evolve, and our brains develop
But going back, marriage is a thing people would do in the past for reasons either political or religious, that no longer stand ground nowadays, which means it solely is used to represent nowadays something that is constantly changing over time
It will obviously be way more fragile than it once used to be especially when we now more than ever, have the freedom to be and choose whoever and how ever many people we want to be with, divorces happen also, between people who are still in love, theres several reasons why the percentages are what they are, its not a yes or no sort of dicussion, but a much more complex and difficult to narrow down phenomenon
Not only lack of religion, but also, the lack of trust in the govermentn, in institutions, technological advances, climate change and economy which impacts many things like people not wanting to have kids anymore, etc
Oh man i could also begin a whole new parragraph yapping about what is 'romantic love' supposed to be and how the historical time frames have sculptured what romance is and how it looks like depending on the moment in time youre in.. im not going to go on, im just saying theres not a simple answer, as with most things in life, and thats if there is indeed one for this conversation, it definitely is not in between the black&white of if romantic love exists or not
interesting point of view. The intentions of marriage...married under the church...or the fact you're lawfully husband and wife doesn't have an important input to marriage.
The growth in the divorce rate is actually over. It's largely going down now. Her talking points are about 2 decades out of date.
There's too much talking and not enough loving in the world nowadays.
My father told me to “find a friend” when looking for a partner.
I love myself. It's going well.
As someone who has parents who have been married for 30 years, I disagree.
Well love is a real thing, it's just not this movie like thing, it's more of an OH you're cool, you exist, I love you! I love that you exist! And that's it, like simple... And then the rest of "romantic" love is just sexual attraction I've found, which you can go from partner to partner with. You don't have to force all things with one person, it's just weird yk????