10 Worst Responses To A Narcissist's Games
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- Опубліковано 3 кві 2024
- Once exposed to a narcissist's mistreatments, you can have all sorts of emotional reactions. That's to be expected. Dr. Les Carter explains, though, that your frustrations can bring out responses that will only worsen the situation. He highlights ten of the most common problematic responses that can take you into the wrong direction.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his UA-cam channel, his videos have received more than 110 million views.
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The best response is to not engage with their games. 😊
Exactly. They want you to react so walk away if you can and don't let them see they've rattled you.
Yes, exactly 💯 They also use your responses to learn how they can rattle your cage most effectively.
No response is best. / Reverse psychology (= Give them an averse reaction to something that doesnt bother you, but is what you actually want) can also work in some situations.
🎯
MUCH easier when seldom around them.
Ty
Best response is no response. The silent treatment really annoys them! They can dish it out, but cannot take it.
It also saves you from a futile battle, wasting your life energy and mental health.
Exactly. Block them on everything.
Exactly
my channel discusses abuse too, Narcissist Hex
@NarcissistHex-nf9eq
They don't deserve the argument they want
Never be honest with a narcssistic person. It will be used against you sooner or later.
Better strategy is to be only business like around them while keeping our distance from them much as possible.
I never thought I would be an abused husband. Her voice makes me jump and my hands start shaking. I'm looking for a men's shelter.
It’s hard because nobody believes men so we get gaslit by the system too 😕
It exists more than you can imagine. Men dont talk about it either because they are not aware of the problem or because they dont know how to get out of it. Love yourself and find a way out. You desere a good life and you owe it to yourself. Such people are not worth the trouble. 💜
The way I found to get out from under their thumb is to be honest, authentic, and say back to them what they say to us. People don't do well when they hear their ideas out of someone else's mouth. Take care of yourself. Be alone for a while. It's no different than fixing a broken leg. Your mind is injured. Once you are aware of who they are it becomes very easy to understand their games and not engage in them. They don't do well when you are honest, don't engage in their delusion or lies. They have absolutely no idea how to react to the truth.
@matteblak6158 100%! The mother of my child aggressively snatched my phone from my pocket while I was doing dishes. In response, my reaction was to grab my phone. All I did was hold on to my phone her grip slipped, and she fell back a foot into cabinets. Her response was that I was calling the cops as she did but said I pushed her when I absolutely did not, but I went to jail, then probation and classes about 6k after the court railroaded through the system...
I've had PTSD from a BPD woman and her NPD mother. I'm starting to feel a bit better after being away for 8 months.
To be honest, I will feel a sense of relief the day I hear they have passed. Yes, I will feel sad, but overall relieved.
I get what you're saying.
❤🩹You are not alone with this thought, it’s a tough one. Or even just the wish (in my case my parents) that they would go further away and just leave me out of their daily life. A nice, peaceful and even boring life without unnecessary drama sounds like bliss 😊.
me too.
And I will also feel some amount of peace knowing that my parents’ suffering will be over, as I cannot imagine that they are, at their core, happy people who can say “yes, mine was a life well-lived.” I have compassion for them even though I went No Contact. I wish it could have been different but I had to finally, finally, put myself first. That has been, and counties to be, very difficult.
When my dad died it was a literal weight off.
No response
And its a powerful response
Exactly 💪
No communication is communication. Smile while not speaking. Then leave.
my channel discussed abuse...Narcissist Hex
@NarcissistHex-nf9eq
A “worst” response: asking a narcissist to explain why.
When they are ready for the final discard, they won’t tell you anything. You can ask them the simplest, most obvious questions and they will just look at you with disgust. It’s absolutely impossible to get any meaningful answers.
"BUT WHY!!!"
Much Compassion & Respect to Anyone Having This Ruminating Question
I woke up at 4am this morning ruminating on that still feeling like trying to talk and ask why. It is so strange all of this. Perhaps if we ask why they hear it like we are saying it has happened and that’s the thing we are not “allowed” to do, say this actually happened this way. No reality as I see it or feelings I have about things are allowed to exist or be spoken about in a good way. I have to be traumatised and punished for having my own view or words or pain.
Thank you for your compassion!🍃🩷✨
I woke up wanting to ask why and it’s amazing because here we are talking about it. Incredible channel this. Thank goodness it is here. It’s 5.42am in New Zealand I’m awake as usual. It’s really hard the way they are leaving things unresolved is part of the mean stuff they do which I don’t understand. Ignoring, shaming and abandoning you for having your own views or holding anyone to account. The lesson is don’t speak or you’ll be in trouble.
This is how narcissist thinks:
I am gonna make sure I never lose in the blame game I like to play with people.
Never expected to be hated, much less so much. LOL. My favorite thought when they start to bother me, is: being mean to me aint gonna fix what's wrong with you. Stay healthy y'all.
Great way to look at it.
Healthy thought!
It would be so nice to actually say that to them. But, we know that'll do nothing. Thinking it is a good idea though! ❤
@@SurvivingNarcissismYes. @melody5683 touched on it. And precisely what is the it? The fact that we are dealing with people who are in error before us & God, because they have not repented before God. They are blaming us because they haven't accepted responsibility for their own sin, going back to Genesis 3. And thus, that also leads to them feeling justified in their unforgiveness, because that is also what's going on here. They all haven't forgiven, so it keeps them locked up so to speak. We dance around all the symptoms of what they are doing, but that is the root disease.
@@SurvivingNarcissismalso for consideration regarding their hatred is Jn 15:18-27. And regarding being fooled by them and who we're really dealing with, Rev 12:7-13, in particular v9 regarding being deceived. And one of the many methods of deceit used is getting us to believe in clinical diagnosis instead of divine diagnosis...
I often times think about how someone approached Buddha and asked him "Should I not be accepting and loving of all people based on your teachings ?" Buddha smiled and said "Be respectful of a snake and love them from a distance. For if you approach the snake and hold it, the snake will bite you. Do the same with certain people that are like the snake".
So accurate.
Starting to doubt your own reality - ... so you start to narc yourself Internally ... even in absence of the original threat
😔😔
👌
So true! 😢
So true.
This is exactly right! Narcissists want us to react badly to make themselves feel justified in their rudeness, so they can blame us even if they started it all. My brother used to poke at me continually as a child until I blew up in anger and then he would say; "see how you are." He never repented from this and carried it on into our adult years. He never changed so I put him out of my life.
Best response is walking out the door wirhout another word and not going back
Explaining yourself, asking them why they are behaving that way, crying in front of them…
Love yourself. Dont do that.
@@northstar5919 oh trust me those days are LOOOOONG over.. I definitely love myself. I’m a very different person today. I was answering the question not describing my life.
💜
They see crying as a weakness not a plea for understanding because of the amount of inconsideration they plough you with until you are brought to tears. I don't cry anymore...
@@tariqalodat720 the one I was with said that I was manipulating him with my tears and that when women cry in general that’s all he sees. So glad I left that relationship.. I knew better even then. I would tell him I am crying because his ugly disgusting behavior and words were hurtful. That didn’t make one bit of difference.. I learned what I needed to learn about him AND myself and moved the entire F on.
The best response is as little contact as possible.
The best thing to do is get away completely from these people if you can. And then go no contact!
If only...what a dream that is and what a nightmare they are!!!😢😒😧
But what if you can't?
A bit tricky to do when it's your 15 year old daughter.
@@seankay8137 Thanks to all you who who replied to my comment. I was lucky to have been able to get away from my narc. He was my boss and I left that company in order to get away from him and his behaviour. However, he has lived rent free in my head ever since then, ie for some thirty-four years. Watching Dr Carter's videos has given me so much information and understanding and I wish I had found them sooner. I realise that not everyone is as lucky as I was, especially those people who have narcs in their families. That is a real nightmare. Good luck.
Yep once he started doing the silent treatment (creating distance/getting away) I waited for a bit then blocked on everything 😊
Happy birthday day to you happy birthday to our dearest friend Dr.C!
Les is more Les is more
More of what we need in this world!🎂🍿🎂
You're kind, Fred. Thank you!
@@SurvivingNarcissismYes, Happy Birthday Dr Carter 💖 You are so loved and honored for your dedication to humanity. You are inspiring!
YAY, YAY! “Les is more” our new slogan! 🎺🎺🎺🎺
Happy Birthday Dr.Carter🎉🎂🎊
I am so grateful for this videos is helping me so much .Thank you❤
Happy birthday Dr Carter 🎂 ❤️
I'm sure I reacted to the ex narcissist with some of these responses. They can drive you nuts.
Me too ✋️
I finally realized after many years that I was not responsible for my narsassitic husband's bad behavior. He owned it! I finally stopped covering and making excuses for him.
I was at a party with my (then) husband. He was behaving like the jerk he always was. I was staying away. A total stranger said to me "he's a real a$$hole." I agreed and said I feel really badly for his wife. The stranger said "oh that poor woman". I told him I appreciate the sympathy. Best party ever.
Very wise!
Taking any notice of them at all is a mistake
True.
I could probably take this one for you, DrC (head in hands)! I had to learn the hard way. To those of you who are just now figuring all of this out, don’t be hard on yourselves. We don’t know what we don’t know. And when we finally do know, do better 💜
Hey Kelly...Let's just say you received your doctorate in narcissism the hard way.
💙
Happy Birthday, Dr. C 🎉❤
Well said ❣️
Well said Dr C!!
Hard lessons to learn - and the longer you are with a narcissist, the easier it is for them to alter your reality a little bit at a time every day to the point you lose yourself by constantly adjusting. They're sadly broken and have no desire to change. Walk away clean.
I’ve been hiding for decades because of horrible judgment in my head from my family. Very depressing very lonely. I had tremendous success. The narcissist trashed me. I feel terrible. I have no family.
Me too , but keep being your best self you can be now Karen !
And I hope you have developed a “family” of good friends to take their place in your life!
I’m heading towards I very paired back family. Trying to juggle around all my feelings about it too. Being in it is probably just as lonely as being outside it and less negating and painful. We need to individuate and find joy in our own separate lives. The choices we now make without them. Our own lives.
Watch Jerry Wise about narc families
Yes! Family doesn't have to be biological.
Nothing is happening in my life now. I never see or talk to the narcissist. It’s the thoughts and ruminations about past abuse that is so painful and feels impossible to shake. That is what is eating me up.
@stefaniweiss . . . I am certainly no expert but I am a survivor of a 32 year marriage with a passive aggressive narcissist. In therapy, I was given this feedback and will pass onto you in case you find it helpful.
Whenever I would think about a past hurt in our marriage and dwell upon it, my therapist explained that I was continuing to give my power away to my X . . . that I was still allowing him to make me feel sad/angry/mad many years after the event occurred.
I cannot change what happened but I can change my reaction to what happened. I saw that continuing to be hurt is still giving my power away and I no longer wanted to do that.
Everything is energy and, this way, you are stopping that energy leak in you.
My best to you. ❤
Maybe I did some of those bad responses. 😖 For example:
❌ Blame them
❌ Criticize them
❌ Call them out
❌ Teach them
❌ Point them out
etc.
Same here. I’m not perfect but, at least I know it! My Narc is completely convinced he is in fact, perfect.
Which are normal responses.
Narcs take things you teach them and twist it for evil. If you teach them the stove is hot then they now realize they can burn people. Don't teach them about history, especially dictators and how they came to power. Yeah that was really dumb of me but I wasn't thinking Hitler is sitting right in front of me. He looked like my dad.
Me too....I don't like that person I become only in that company. It's a pattern with narcs. Wash, rinse, repeat. No more. This will be the 1st time in decades I won't be sending a birthday call or txt. She never responds but came to visit me recently for 3 days. Needed familiarity after her mother passed but said nothing I had to say would change the hatred she has for her mother. I guess she wanted to collect some data.
Very normal responses. They need to be told.😊
I am guilty of getting angry too often with a Narcissist at a job I had not too long ago.
My husband just retired from a job he had for 10 years because he had finally had it with an narcissistic coworker.
Once you learn the frustrations and negatives of communicating with a narcissist, you begin to respond, (when/if you do), without emotionally engaging.
Yes. All this. Defend yourself against their accusations, and they say "you must be guilty" don't defend yourself and "you must be guilty." You cannot win. No response will work.
After I began voicing my opinions again, the narcissistic person would say “Contact me when you decide to pull your head out of your a**”
Instead of justifying myself or self doubting, it’s much more freeing and calming to stay true to who I am. My opinion hasn’t changed!
*now
Being raised by two mean narcissists, one skill I developed was to explain. Until every aspect was covered. Often it was not enough. But the skill served me very well in my career. My mind can and does easily grasp the big picture and I knew, now know, what to do. I'm not at all a nit picky detail oriented person, thanks to that ability. But lordy can I lay it out to managers and teammates when needed. Clearly and persuasively. Hey making lemonade here.
Good for you 👍👍😊
I am still amazed by the simple realization helping me so much to define these people, as ones with the absence of 'love'. I feel like this is the missing piece to the puzzle just found. Like they don't even 'see' you, they are just looking up over and around and past you for what of their needs you can provide, no matter if it hurts you and others.
They cannot handle authentic ppl so just be yourself and learn to say no some are very persistent but stand your ground and let them know their behavior is unacceptable
What you say is accurate!
Happy Birthday Dr. C!!! I turned 74 on April 2. I am celebrating 3 years of freedom, thanks to your videos, from my narc ex-husband! Thank you so much for all you do!
Pleased for you, Elaine. And thanks for the birthday wishes.
So many people seem to hurting here, love yourself and let them worry about themselves. I will no longer be shut up but have learnt not to respond 😂
Ten worst responses to a narcissist's games:
1) suppressing emotions, healthy initiatives - being way to calculated in the way you engage with them
2) you are sucked into ineffective arguing
3) responding to stubbornness and control with the same
4) pleading for adjustments or understanding
5) unable to get beyond simmering anger, disgust
6) compelled to justify and explain far too strongly when you are accused
7) you can dread being honest - can’t explain who I am... Which leads to...
8) hiding, keeping secrets, being evasive
9) engage in self-sabotaging rebellion (“I don’t even care anymore, my life is just a wreck anyway”)
10) being embarrassed when others learn about you
****These all indicate that we're letting the narcissist set our pace****
REMEMBER
1) you are meant to be loved!
2) you've been judged way too many times and the narcissist not qualified to be your judge!
3) at times, your anger makes sense - yet the anger need not become mean... It needs to be assertive!
4) narcissists love to feed off of your dysregulation!
5) narcissists are threatened by your distinctions
6) self restraint is your friend
7) your calm resolve becomes your superpower - you can refuse to being pulled in by the one whose desire is to keep you dysregulated
8) narcissists are not mature, nor are they wise... Therefore don't be in reactor mode - instead be in an independent frame of mind!
9) bottom line is that it is not enough to say, "I just don't like the way they treat me. You become most effective when you realize, "I’m not going to try to reform the narcissist... Being me is sufficient. I am going to see what is good inside of me and I am going to live into that"
We have a work narc who thrives on chaos and dissent. Secretive covert who pretends to be charming, pits everyone against each other. No one sees the snake until they get bit. I feel for the ones who don’t see it coming and my warnings fall on deaf ears. There is some small consolation in knowing I am not the only target. Since I can leave at any time, there is no power over me any longer. I now respond, instead of the knee jerk reaction. Dr. Les,therapy, self care. My heart goes out to those who refuse to see. They will be next.
Unfortunately there seems to be 1 of these in pretty much all organisations. Guess the workplace is a preferred playground for them, as it is one of those places people have to interact with each other and cannot easily leave (unlike friendships, dating etc.)
Yes, painfully impossible to point out to the nice coworkers before they see it for themselves... Only way is to point out certain narc behaviors as annoying behavior (without attaching any labels), as they witness the stuff for themselves firsthand. Hopefully this helps them see the complete pattern more quickly....
Just make sure you can get away enough to recharge your own batteries. Hang in there
Narcs are impossible. The difficult part is when no city official will hild them accountable to law.
Thought I was in the clear until he said “keeping secrets and keeping your personal life private.” That’s my best strategy come on!
Calm resolve is our superpower!✅
Right now i am going through severe narcissist abusal all i do is try to remain as calm as possible... Hoping one day i would be free
Dr Carter, your videos have been key to understanding my role in the mess surrounding my narcissist. You have improved my life so very much and I cannot thank you enough. God bless you Sir
So pleased for you Jeff. Keep it up!
Whenever we had any conflict, or misunderstanding, she wouldn't call me or come over so we could discuss things like adults. NOOOO. It was always a Facebook message full of things I did wrong, what she hated about my friends, etc. Things were always ok when we were together, it's when she was safely separated that she'd start writing her rants and put-downs.
This reminds me of when I was in my late 50s visiting my parents. A topic was brought up and I decided to weigh in for a change. As usual I only got oartway through what I was saying when my dad began talking over me loudly. My mom held up her hand to my father and said “wait, I want to hear what she has to say”. I was absolutely stunned. I remember looking at her and hesitating to share because I could not trust that it wasn’t going to be used to put me down or criticize what i had to say. Sad.
My current struggle with the covert narc is the frustration over not being able to discuss Anything with him.
Dealing with a covert husband myself I'm really at the point of telling him to leave
Narc don't discuss anything, they make proclamations (always putting themselves into a good light, and you in a subjugated position).
These ‘how to:’ type videos really help. I buried myself in childhood and am trying to find her again in my 60’s.
I’m 65 ❤️🩹 survivor to thriver ♥️ you are loved❣️
Glad they resonate!!
When he stormed off, muttering to himself, after our short exchange, I let him. I did not call after him or chase him down, nor seek him out the next day.
Happy birthday dr c❤❤❤
When they go into their demeaning abusive tirade,ask them as cooly as you can.
" Who are you and what gives you the right to speak to me this way?"
Be prepared for an extended period of the Silent treatment 😊
Hello Dr Carter, a year ago I watched all your videos once I was discarded. Everyday was painful, my life was getting better but inside it was deep deep pain. I decided to go back to the narcissist even after being discarded so savagely. The narcissist said he wanted to marry and made me so many promises however things weren’t changing, we were still arguing and I was being left crying and isolated. However just 2 days ago, I called the narcissist and a women picked up the phone and now I am completely blocked and discarded all over again. How could I be such a fool. I feel hopeless lost. Confused, baffled. I can’t go without crying for a few hours. I don’t think I have the power to heal anymore, I already went through the healing stage for a year and that was so painful, now I have to heal again and I know I won’t be able to forget the distinct memory of that women’s voice picking up the phone and my heart sinking, thinking, this can’t be happening again. I think I am a lost cause, I’ll never truly move on from this (8 year relationship btw)
My best response to a narcissist is : I couldn't care less what they or others think. If 'others' want to take a narcissists side >> good !! Because they have exposed themselves to me as not my friends. Bye, bye narc and your flying monkeys✈✈
Cashier was very revengeful/controlling/smiling at the same time/trying to make me look bad etc... I felt sorry for any kids/husband with her controlling that she was showing off. I just pretended nothing was happening and did not fight back. I did not explain to the manager my side of the story to counteract her version which would be twisted. I saw this cashier today after many days not seeing her. She smiled at me. I did not go into her line. I did not want a repeat of what happened again. Saw another cashier who is tall wearing shoes that made her like 7 feet tall. Crazy world out there.
I want to concentrate on the right and good and can’t risk associating myself with the narcissist. I want to live my life with dignity, respect, civility, love and compassion for myself and others none of which is the narcissist able to provide. Thank you for your help and support dr Carter ❤ Happy Birthday 🎂 ❤😊 God bless you ❤
I must admit that sometimes I have to say that he's evil and a very sick person, can't help it. It is exhausting to keep everything inside without any reaction.
I used to feel fearful when people were mad at me. My narc has cured that. It feels good.
thank you Dr. Carter, this video just turned my whole head around after feeling like I've been through a ton, tried to rise, got beaten down inside, after a childhood of being abandoned emotionally for being me, and trying to figure out who i am and what connection is. After feeling downtrodden and empty this video spoke to where I'm at and shined a light down the tunnel Im in. thank you so much.
Hello I read your comment and my name is Jennifer and I just wanted to say your worth all the work it takes to be well have hope don't give up God bless you
Thanks God it’s over
“They need you to be dysregulated.” I keep repeating this in my head today.
It has been a bad weekend where I have been in the presence of the bully.
I have come a long way and my counselor agrees. 😊
However, and I need to keep this in mind, I am vulnerable to sliding back back to fear and weakness while in his company, especially in a crisis; specifically, more like a mini crisis, as I describe what I felt I was in yesterday when interacting with the bully; of course, yes, I was totally thrown off track.
This is an episode I had listened to prior and had saved to my favorites. I am so glad I have it saved because listening and taking it in really helped me today!
I am grateful.
Thank you to Dr. C.
Stay strong!!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you! 🤗
THERES NO WAY OUT OF THIS IF YOU MARRY ONE
My favorite professor at Bible college was Dr. Samuel W. Fowler (ThD from Dallas Theological Seminary), who once read a poem he wrote, based on Ps. 90:10, called Threescore and Ten, More or Less. Wishing you "by reason of strength" for so much more.
They are the worst - i have 5 of them in my life - FAMILY - my dad is one - I told him my cancer might be back and I may have only 6 months to live - he said... "the footy is starting", he sounded annoyed and hung up. No call back, no empathy, NOTHING.
@alankeeling2946 I would check in again, (sadly enough when no sports or other distractions might be competing for his attention) on whether he heard you, as he could have been distracted by getting ready for the start of the game.
Narcissists are the devil angling to take us out (because they are of their father, the devil, a known destroyer), cause us upset and loss, etc. Trying to make the lives of others a living hell, as that is what awaits them if they don't repent and turn to God.
However, some people just exhibit narcissistic traits, or aren't able to show love for others well. God is love. Devil is nasty hatred, to say the least. God loves people, and wants to share His love for people through Christians. It takes Christian maturity to be able to love others well. Extending His love to you now, with an invitation to get to know Him, and learn what Christianity is about.
Being a Christian and knowing my Heavenly Father's love for me as I was able to see from reading His word, and having experienced His love through the Christians in my family is what got me through the painful narcissistic experiences I had with the narcissists in my family and marriage.
Jesus responded to the devil's lies and deceit with prayer, and the word of God. So must we. He fasted too, but that's probably not advisable in your situation, ask your doctor if you're interested in pursuing that though. Or you might also contact Christian churches or ministries, and ask if they could pray & fast on your behalf. I also will pray for you ❤
@alankeeling2946 I responded but it was removed. Wondering if you possibly were able to see it on your end.
Yay for team healthy never stop doing better, peace to all of us!
Calm resolve really annoys my narcissist
it really betters my mental health to tune into Dr. C thank you sir😊
My mom died never really knowing me. It was so much easier to hide from her than submit to her crap if I had the audacity to express my opinion. I don't know what to think about it all.
Every video I think it's your best one yet, and then the next one is even better. ❤
My elderly mom is narcissistic and I help her almost daily and I fail a lot with my attitude and I try to gray rock but I fail as many times as I don’t. I feel like I can’t get a step ahead.
Happy birthday, Dr C! I’ll be 69 in two days. So glad I found your channel. Better late than never. Thanks
Thanks, and I'm glad you're here!
The best that works for me is also to stay grey rock and stonewall when it comes to the drama queen or king.
typical reference to narcissist they can never be your judge or anyone for you since its they who bring out worst in you to stay frozen.
Shift blaming, shift lying & just 'plain' fake..... You try to just be general nice & limited general conversation, their anger still persist-- sad
In chat today while searching for a term, I looked at notes. Maybe it is Coercive Control or DARVO. It is mentioned in Dr Carter's interview with Christina Cocchiola titled 'Coercive Control and Domestic Abuse', one month ago.
At 4 mins she starts to go into how it is the foundation of Abuse. How Control is exerted that diminishes autonomy so you forget who you are.
7 mins, She is talking about how it plants doubt in the children.
I wonder if you could recap on this aspect of minimalizing.
I'm bringing it up because her latest video tells not only what to spot but how to react in these situations. I felt it related to today's topic in a way and worth mentioning..
Last time I was attacked..it took me by surprise…then she said…I was only joking..I responded…I certainly hope so…seemed ok as I think about it
Very good reply.👌
I dealt with a covert narcissist owner/ manager for 10 years. I knew I should leave, but I didn't because my retirement was 10 years away, and it was so easy to take off if needed. In my early employment, she gave everyone in the office a psychological test paper to fill out. Oh boy! If I knew then what I know now, I would have left ASAP! Knowledge is power!
They never get it.
Sunday night mental guide tonight was Joel Osteen and Dr. Carter. Two pages of spiritual and positive notes I have taken from the evening messages.. I like how you ended this broadcast with the " sustained peace " as our goal. My life outlook is focused. These two leaders tonight gave me my tonic and moral compass. Good work and keep the healthy thoughts coming.
#1 -- That was me with my Dad about 95% of the time, for most of 40 years. NO healthy.
#9 -- That's what my BROTHER did, multiple times, from grammar school to Junior High to High school and then when he joined a fraternity in college. Repeatedly, he was somehow drawn to the most out of control trouble-makers, as a way of rebelling against our Dad's INSANELY-strict control. I'd be the one trying so hard to do what Dad told me to, but my brother was "the chosen one". He eventually got a job 3000 miles away so he wouldn't have to deal with Dad much. Sadly, he also exhibitted NARC traits... though, never anywhere near as bad as Dad's were.
After 35 years of marriage to a covert narcissist wife I finally realized that the bottom-line of ANY encounter is a need for supply. However I choose to respond, or not respond, makes little difference.
No response is a response. I learned this fro from a narcissist but I feel it is a good defense
I would suggest that secrecy can be necessary. The outraged narc neighbour who has tormented me - because I know what she is and refuse to engage with her - relies on information and habit in order to pre-empt and manipulate situations. An example is having to change my routine regularly because the narc would monitor and be waiting to pounce on a particular thing I did and then claim I am attacking her. I have had to Journal all things from brushing my teeth to entering/leaving my home because of the retaliations and traps the narc sets. I've even had to schedule phone calls to be made/taken when I am not at home. Her obsession is relentless.
2, 3, and 6 are my typical reactions. Mainly 2 and 6. I've tried just about everything to avoid #2 but she even gets angry when I don't argue with her. I think she enjoys it or just doesn't know how to have a peaceful conversation. Maybe she likes it because it gives her something to blame me for.
Yes I realized a few weeks ago how much I stifled my own emotions for my narcissistic grandmother.
Happy birthday 🥳🥳🥳
will be the best response to your 70th birthday, Dr Carter 😉
"What age is happiest?
Had you asked me,
I would have made this plea:
the Now is best.
What joy to live with zest each newborn day;
and from the Moment wrest what Life will give away.
The Past is but a guest who came and went,
and left this one behest: to be content.
Think how To-day is blest!
We’ve eyes to see Nature in Beauty drest for you.
What matter that the crest of Youth is past.
Youth lives within the breast with joys that last.
The will to do our best, and hands for giving.
Oh! Now’s the happiest, best time for living!
What age is happiest?
Oh! hear my vow, for I have put the test -
the happiest’s Now.
Sweet sighs and kindly jest for warmth and cheer;
and Love’s most high bequest to crown the year."
Wow! This is such wonderful writing. Thanks so much for all your support, Roxy!
That is beautiful! Read aloud.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Pleased that you like the poem. You are very welcome, Dr Carter and I hope you had a wonderful birthday dinner!
@@sage9836 Thank you so much, Sage.
This is so lovely 😍
When my ex accused me of faking narcolepsy or lying about how it affects me I would beg him to come to my appointments with the sleep specialist. When he refused to do that I got the specialist to give me pamphlets and medical literature. He also refused to look at that. After all, either one would have proven him wrong
Then he asked me how I was so sure I had narcolepsy and I reminded him that I had FOUR sleep studies - two to come to the diagnosis and 2 to evaluate how my meds were working. He asked when I had those, in a mocking voice. I said, "You know - the four nights I slept at the sleep clinic." He just walked away. When I think about it now, Im surprised he didn't accuse me of sleeping with men and just saying that I was at a sleep clinic. But he probably just didn't think of it
Dr. Carter,
I have a lot of respect for what you do. I hope I can inform you that better help, your sponsor, has recently and in the past been involved in “drama.” What I mean by this is there have been many problems with patients, who have shared their stories; this includes long waits, unlicensed therapists and sale of personal information. I in no way mean any disrespect, I just hope you look into better help and make a well informed decision about your sponsorships. Many other UA-cam channels have also been sponsored by better help and I only recently learned of their controversy; so I don’t blame you for also accepting a sponsorship from them.
Narcs can bring out the worst in you because they love to feed off of your disregulation, which is their game.
Worst responses:
1. Suppressing emotions, healthy initiatives
2. Sucked into ineffective arguing
3. Responding to stubbornness and control with the same
4. Pleading for adjustments/understanding
5. Unable to get beyond simmering anger/disgust
6. Compelled to justify and explain
7. Dread being honest
8. Hiding, keeping secrets, being evasive
9. Engage in self-sabotaging rebellion
10. Being embarrassed when others learn about you (going beyond your shield way too much)
Be aware:
》Narcs are not mature, nor are they wise
You can do so much better because the Narc is not qualified to judge you!!!
》You are meant to be loved
》Self restraint is your friend
》Anger can make sense but it does not need to become mean
》Calm resolve becomes your superpower
》Being you is sufficient
Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈
This is so helpful. Thank you so much🌺🌻🍃💛
Thanks once again, Roxy!
@@andreacook6000 Glad to hear that it's helpful 😊 and you are very welcome, Andrea 💛
@@SurvivingNarcissism You are quite welcome, Dr Carter.
Arguments with them get nowhere. It's always ineffective. Thanks for the note. 📓✍
I have made all these worst responses.
The narcissist wants to keep you disregulated to "prove" to themselves that they are superior. So don't be a reactor - learn self-restraint and calm resolve. Your anger makes sense but learn to manage it healthily. Remember you are meant to be loved, and to love, and they can't. You've been judged and they are not qualified to judge you - radical acceptance and detach emotionally. They have a right to believe whatever they choose. Watch Dr C's video Calm Confidence.
Happy Birthday 🎂
Your videos have truly changed my life. This one is exactly what I needed. Thank you
A worse response is asking a narcissist anything period
Observe the behavior, the cycles. They are repetitive. It's true however that their narrative can change from minute to minute. Consistently inconsistent.
Hi Gus
Boundaries are my best friends when dealing with these people. Example: when I am home, I don't take calls from them if not necessary, and I totally disengage as much as possible. I'm an adult, so I now also refuse to date anyone who becomes challenging to this level, and I absolutely will not live with them. Even my own provocative family and friends I don't visit and / or associate with anymore. In situations where I have to engage with them such as in the work place, I keep a hidden written record of every incident which I use as evidence if I need to file report against bullying or anything of the sort. Narcissistic bosses? I avoid them during my personal time and also keep my personal detailed record of every conversation. When I'm not at work, I block my work number, and nobody hears from me until I am back on duty. If my colleagues take my cell number and randomly texting me with enquiries about work when I'm not on duty, they get an instant firm response that they usually don't like, but I don't care. I don't set boundaries because I hate people, but rather because when I don't, I find that these people and their long lists of associated behaviours distresses me, and I'm fed up with it. My dad passed away when I was 13 years old, but my mom is still alive, and I have never argued with my mother. However, if she crosses the line with me, I immediately just exit and stay away, cut all contact, and I never say a word. When I do speak, if I have to, I am clear, and then I'm done. My mom told me that of all her children, I am the one she is most careful with because I'm very much like my dad. I have some specific siblings who are sometimes troublesome. How do I deal with them? Easy, not at all. I have never argued with any of my siblings, I just stay away from them. However, one sister did something very upsetting and illegal and my mom told me, due to the fact that she was living with my mom her actions would have got my mom into trouble with the law and an investigation was ongoing regarding the discovery by the authorities. So, I sent my sister a message, I gave her a time frame to fix the matter by correcting the issue honestly, do that, or else I will do it for her. Before the deadline was up, she sorted it out, thank God. I didn't want to get her into serious trouble, but our mom is elderly and it was unfair to allow that sort of trouble to come up on her. If my mom was guilty, I would show love but tell her the same thing. I think that we are who we are not just because of what others put us through but also because of how we choose to react to them and our own mindsets. Is my life perfect? Far from it, I'm a messy person sometimes emotionally, and this is why I can not allow other people's messiness to overwhelm me anymore.
👌💯 This !
NB: very good point regarding work calls in your free time. I now have 2 cell phones: 1 Private, 1 associated with work stuff. On weekend and holidays i simply shut off the work phone, and only take my private one. The work calls go immediately to voicemail, that gets replied to when working hours start again. So much more peaceful !
I get more comfort than I can convey when I listen to Dr. C. Thank you for all do for us struggling to deal with, and work through these issues.
You are very welcome
Hi Dr. CARTER MY NAME IS JENNIFER I've been tuned in to your tube channel and subscriber for about a month now I am in a 14 year relationship with a narcissist at this point in time I'm getting desperate for a solution to this abuse I'm realizing that the pressure is so strong I think I'm gonna need some coaching to get out of this crazy relationship before it gets me like a bird flying straight for the bird trap! Thankyou for explaining what in the world I'm dealing with with this disturbed companion of mine it's really helpful I watch everyday thankyou😢
Keep learning, and I wish you the best as you move forward!
Thankyou Dr Carter keep the videos coming you communicate in such a clear and simple manner and most of all your no nonsense
Approach while teaching is so refreshing this video in particular was very honest subject with impact
Thank you Dr C! My plan with family members who display these traits is to have as many conversations with witnesses. I don't give much emotion with my response which are mostly hmmm. They are more interested in what they are saying than I could ever be!
I am into healing now about two years. I live with the narcissist and the other one is nearby so discernment hasn't come easy. I am to a point where I am spending a good amount of my time discerning my responses now that I am aware more of what is going on within me. I am thinking I am learning internal boundaries that also include external boundaries. The internal is something new for me so it is a bit more time consuming, and I have found it to be worth the time.
The devil tried to contact me through other people… “he wishes we could be together again..7 months later …and his pick up line was… I never cheated on her. She use that as an excuse to break up with me.😂😂😂😂 I replied to his friend …running away from me with his cellphone throwing elbows is a strong indicator that something isnt right lol!! And it wasn’t the cheating it’s all the things before that!! That last part was the closing of the curtain 🎉 ive banished since! and there is no stretch of the imagination that can change that! 😂😂😂😂 celebrating me! 🎉 I laugh at the clowns now.. I don’t cry for them or date them!
This was more than helpful..will listen again and take notes😊 ty
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you for your lecture,Dr C. There'a question I'd like to ask. You suggested once turning on zen in a difficult situation. But is it possible to do so without suppressing emotions? And doesn't self restraint mean suppressing your emotions as well?
Now the Narcissist in my life felt slighted, still not sure why and stopped speaking to me. It has been pleasant but because of a legal situation he can't do that. He will only speak to my Husband who is not on the legal contract. We will see how it goes but I will keep records.