A Narcissist's Playbook For Whittling Away Your Independence
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- Опубліковано 12 кві 2024
- Each person wants a reasonable amount of independence and self-determination. But when a narcissist plays a major role in your life, they convey that it is not okay for you to be your own distinct person. Dr. Les Carter explains the tactics they use as they whittle away at your legitimate need to feel free.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his UA-cam channel, his videos have received more than 110 million views.
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One narcissist told me that I should stop listening to these types of videos because they are way too depressing. I don’t think so, there’s nothing wrong with educating yourself. I was catching on to him.
I agree with you.
They don't want you to get help. They would rather have you dependent on them for everything, as they control you 100% The narcissist co worker in my life calls getting help, "negativity"!
Thanks for sharing. Now I am no longer going to wonder how I am being percieved by anyone whenever someone tells me the same kind of lame advice.
Amen! Dr C is cool; Education is a nice thing!!!!!
Lol 😊
A playbook many of us have studied. Chapter 1 is the love bombing, gifts, compliments, holidays, future faking. Chapters 2-8 focus on devaluing the ensnared victim, using a range of manipulations including put downs, silent treatment, threats, gaslighting, physical intimidation and rage. Chapter 9 is the discard, an end to the toxic relationship. Chapter 10 is the hoover, whereby the narcissist tries to get one last bit of supply from their victim. Chapters 11 and 12 focus on the narcissist’s never-ending search to find new victims as they descend into a bitter, lonely old age. The final chapter in this book is written by the victim, co-authored by Dr C and is a celebration of their escape to a life based on dignity, respect, civility.
Also the guilt they want you to feel for not appreciating the narcissist!
This ! 💯%
☮️
You’re taking the words right out of my mouth! He tried to Hoover me last fall & now that he’s about to turn 73 it’s so apparent that his future is not a great destiny
Narcissist's all follow the same script. They play nice to trap their target then play mean to create a trauma-bond in them. This set's up the cruel narcissist to get full satisfaction from seeing their target destroyed and sinking lower into the ashes after their final discard. Rise up Survivor's the show must go on the narcissist needs to realize that they underestimated you.🦅
I'm gonna screenshot your comment and share it, it's Narcissism, perfectly and succinctly explained. Thank u!
@@velvetgardenia good idea - lots of pearls in the comment section. TY
Yup
@@velvetgardenia Thank you for your kind words much appreciated. Keep well. 🕊🌻
@@tiffanyanderson9437 Thank you it's a blessing that us Survivor's have found each other. 🕊🙂
Financial dominance over you is also a way of trapping you.
Uh huh amen
Sooo true
Exactly....he did not want me to have a job. So I stayed home clean house, cooked, yard work, and most of all...took Care of our children. Later on...he abused me for not having a job. Once our kids were teenagers....he was telling them to do criminal things to me, or at work or wherever. And they did that. I got enough and I filed for divorce and next he said "Now I have to destroy your life'...He has tried to abuse me even 23 years after I divorced him.
He's plain Evil...
It's NOT dominance at me, it's insane but only my Lord can track that DNA 😂
This is a big one. The financial prison that gets built.
I ignored red flags. That's on me for sure. The flags were flapping in my face. I'd never experienced a narc before, or knew what one was. But I obviously have some weakness's to deal with. I'm dismounting the rollercoaster for sure.
And If I had $, it would be this minute.
I was a very independent, curious, happy, outgoing child so of course my narc dad despised me. He tried for 18 years to break me, but I didn’t let him. I left at 18 and am now middle-aged. He’s still mad that I’m alive & thriving. He really thought I’d never be able to function without his control over my life. These people are evil.
Me 2 ❤️🩹
Same but for me it was my Mom. She tried to force me to stay reliant on her by never teaching me how to cook, run a washer/dryer or even wash dishes. I was not allowed to do anything in the kitchen. I left home in my mid 20s after saving up to buy my own place. She told me to not even think of coming back if I fell flat on my face. She disinherited me. She died a few years ago and I do not miss her at all.
@@l.5832I wish mine would die soon. But she, of course, is hanging on - control freak that she is.
Same
Me too but my mom still thinks she can get to me using my daughter. I'm 38 and had enough to completely go no contact bc she doesn't care about my needs and what i want to talk about.
These areToxic relationships
Where an individual wants another person to be dependent on them
It's not done for love and support, but rather to keep one person codependent and caged.
Friends support each other and help free each other
But these toxic relationships foster confusion, dependency and covert control
I realize now that not one of the long-term relationships I had with men was about them loving me for who I am. Every one of them was about what he could get from me.
Absolutely spot on
Exactly!
This is fantastic, thank you for sharing this, Peace, love and respect to you 😃💗💙💚❤💛💜👽✌🦄🌹🌈🌌🕊🦁😃
Being raised in a narcissistic family to be a people pleaser, the hardest thing to do is simply saying, “No.” It is also the very thing that will push the narcissist right over the edge.
Also going gray rock
This is the best narcissist help on YT.. I've listened to others, but here, I can "rest" while I learn.. Thank you, Dr C
So pleased!
He’s the best there is!
Indeed, Dr Carter is the best. He is an excellent communicator, succinct and to the point while also being warm and caring.
Yes, he is the BEST & very funny too!!! 😅 He's given me many good laughs, which is a bonus!!! 😂😊😅
@@snowbear1877
The best of both worlds! ❤️🕊
So true. My ex said once, "If you'd just do everything I tell you, everything would be fine." Hence he is my ex! What was really bad about being married to a narssisist was he wasn't as special and knowledgable as he wanted to be. When I was right he would explode at the thought I knew something he didn't and 'showed him up'. Trying to be dominate was a constant stuggle of looking inferior, in his eyes, and wanting to appear superior. I learned quickly to keep my mouth shut if I wanted to feel somewhat safe, but I never was entirely safe, walked on eggshells constantly.
That sounds like a very "ex" thing!
That sounds all too familiar. I'm glad you escaped.
They want to write the script and assign the roles. In many cases they do this very covertly but with their own kind of confidence. Such a grandiose thing to do. They essentially try to play ‘god’ and think they have the right.
My (recently) ex used to tell me that things would be fine if I just adopted his highly superior ideas and beliefs on everything and everybody!
Oh my!! I went through the same thing with my narc husband and it was maddening.
My mother is starting her smear campaign against my daughter-in-law, because she and my son are divorcing.
I have tolerated everything she’s thrown at me for 68 years.
I will not tolerate this.
Watch me, mother.
Don’t let her make you sink to their level. I took that bait.
Whittling away at your independence and eventually destroying your soul.
My parents basically said everything that made up my identity was stupid. That way they could break me down and control me. It didn't work forever.
They must be quite insecure.
My parents did the same.
Relationship? Or dictatorship? Being used, continually, as "supply"-every interaction a transaction - it's no wonder we get depleted. Stay strong. Fill YOUR cup with a huge helping of healthy! And remember - you ARE worth it!!
Amen! I AM worth it! 💯
He told me once: "I'm gonna break you" I said: "Good luck with that."
33+ years of tolerating this nonsense. Always praying for change which came in small ways, however, for very short stints. After a couple of failed attempts to leave, I was finally successful 3 yrs ago. Instead of being overwhelmed by all his ridiculous, child-like behaviors and control, I'm not overwhelmed by how much healing & growth I have done since then.
Good for you ❤
💯
"A confident YOU will DETRACT from my quality of life" wow! I just had an epiphany...thats why they are demeaning, critical, and abusive- to shatter your self confidence and create self doubt in yourself.
Yup
This week I was breadcrumbed for the 3rd time, and got up this morning saying "I have to listen to some Dr. Carter, this isn't a good situation". Sometimes when we're being influenced, these pieces of sound advice and reminders are like a life saver being thrown out. Thank you Dr. Carter. This is exactly what I need. Be me.
Let his voice become your inner guidance to exit toxicity ❤
They are very hierarchial and they have to be at the top.
You see the hypocrisy and one sidedness of this narcissistic relationship- it’s all about benefiting the narcissist only
Narcissist- “I DEMAND independence but you can’t have any because you see .. I’m special , you’re not - I also DEMAND you to obey and comply with my boundaries- I don’t need to comply with your boundaries- because you see … again… I’m special … you’re not you’re a loser …I’m the WINNER”
This thinking is behind their type 1 and type 2 forms of communication too - and why they can never reach types 3 thru 5 levels of communication
🎯
Narcissist: "I don't feel like my needs are being met...."
Add obessive stalking, illegal infiltration of cell phones, computers, destruction of property, and to isolate to try to dominate over you.
My N-ex convinced (via gaslighting) me to give up my debit card to our account that my work was funding with every paycheck. Suddenly, I had no access to my own income.
Then came the time monitoring. She knew exactly how long it took for me to get home from work, and anything more than a fraction of a minute over was met with accusations of all kinds of evil. This began my grey rock response. I learned to shrug off all accusations, enter the home in silence, and maintain that silence until I arrived at work the following day.
Oh yikes!
@aaronkwolfe I'm glad your narc is an ex. That sounds horrible.
My ex-husband paid for his lawyer with my last deposited paycheck... cleaned out our joint account! Left me penniless with a 5 month old baby... Refused to pay child support! His family was his employer!!
@@annjohnson8437 It WAS horrible. I had 5 years of devalue before discard. I actually laughed to myself the morning I woke up and realized she'd left during the night. Then came the understanding. And the healing. Now, I just hope to be a source of help to those still in need of help, healing, and/or understanding.
Spot on dr Carter ❤when you stay with a narcissist long enough you discover that there is no ME left, they have erased you. We must not allow those malevolent abusers to suck the life out of us! Thank you for your help and support ❤😊 God bless you ❤
The most empowering thing you can say to the abuser is, "No." Own your mistakes in the conflict but stay firm about who you are as a person. A polite but swift no and they're out of the picture. Thence, a pathological manipulator is disclosed.
Another thing they do is when you make a contribution to the conversation they just ignore it, or say yes and then keep on talking. There is no discussion on the point or real interest. Over time that makes the person feel like they have nothing if values to add. It’s a great way of sending the message you don’t know what’s what so I have no need to really consider what points you put forward. So interesting to see this. I have had to listen for hours but when I speak I may get 3mins then have to listen for another hour. The balance is way out, it is not a two way conversation.
Because the narcissist wants a smiling, attentive, worshiping audience. That's it. If you give them that, asking for nothing in return, then you are playing your part. If you expect a two-way exchange, that's asking too much. It makes them angry.
My mom dismissed whatever I said when I would challenge her behavior and trying to drive a wedge between my wife and I. It's impossible to get through to her. It's all about her "backstory" or God. I tried every possible way to try and get her to see my perspective and all she could do was contradict and flip everything around on me like it was my fault and I should feel guilt and shame and responsibility. It's so confusing because a rational person can't make sense how they think.
It's so sad to realise you thought they loved you for who you were, but it may as well have been Joe Blow down the street for all their appreciation for you as YOU.
Freedom and independence can be taken away from us knowledge can be taken with us every where.
"I must be in control and I'm willing to destroy people if that's what I have to do to maintain my position."
“ my way or highway “
Narc mom wanted me to be a certain type of profession that would've put me $400k in debt and start my career in my 30s. I had to pretend to pursuing it, then just said I didn't get in. She went off and lied about everything "wrong" with me. I had to stay quiet about my real career goals and pursued them secretly.
one thing I noticed about some narcs, (this sort of goes to the point about calling your character into question), is that they may see you having a good day, or in a generally good mood, and then suddenly, out of nowhere ask, "How you doing, man? are YOU ok...?" which might be followed up by, "I'm concerned about you...",
This is them projecting their own misery onto you and trying to destroy your joy.
Very disgusting, and once you're on to it.., it can become utterly repulsive. especially if they try to give you a 'hug" to "make it all better."
It's just a way to put you down. Like when they say are you ok? You don't look so good. On a day when you know you look fine. So transparent.
@@nancyswiniarski8022 yes, they are trying to get you to dought your own wellbeing.
to make you question your own happiness and ultimately hope to convince you that there is something wrong with you.
My mom visited my wife and I and our 4yr old daughter at the time and she wouldn't look me in the eyes, I could feel a lot of contempt and deep anger and rage towards me for being in a healthy relationship with my wife and being happy, She was almost repulsive when I tried to give her a hug bc I was hoping for some change and I wanted us to all get along but she was angry that I was gaining my freedom from her toxicity. She knew she was losing control ever since we had said we were pregnant and she looked disappointed at the good news. It really devastated me to realize it doesn't matter to her and spending my whole life trying to please her but no way I could meet her expectations. At 38 I know it was all a thing to get supply. I'm a possession to her and my wife was a "threat" to her supply. She said I was being mean to her to my younger brother (triangulation) and my wife was supposedly controlling every aspect of my life. Now she has no one in her life that did care genuinely about her because she's alienated everyone and then plays the victim martyr. I'm starting the healing process and getting counseling and it's so freeing and I don't have as much anxiety and depression and shame and guilt and the constant negative self doubt. My self confidence was shattered and I felt totally responsible for her but now I'm learning I was conditioned to feel this way for a sinister purpose. I'm thankful I wasn't 68 when I figured this out. My wife is my support system and I give her a lot of credit for supporting my path to healing. ❤
Hence why I treat him as a roommate, he tries, I just shut him down with the quickness! What I do is none of his business.
That’s the biggie Dr Carter. Independence is their hate as they need someone to reflect them all of the time.
Indeed: WATCH ME! Working on my doctorate now, at 54! How I’ve been insulted and devalued regarding this by these evil entities, Dr. C! Deplorables to whom I proclaim: WATCH ME!! 💪🌟💪
Dr. C, would you consider doing an episode about how a narcissistic father might abuse his authority by putting his wife and/or children under siege? Merriam-Webster has this to say about siege: a military blockade of a city or fortified place to compel it to surrender; to pursue diligently or persistently; the cutting off of an area by military means to stop the flow of people or supplies (I would say, to stop a person from getting their needs met) and there are some very interesting and serious synonyms that go along with the word “siege”. I would love to hear what you have to say about the intersection of narcissism and “coercive control” especially now that some laws have been enacted making coercive control illegal in some places. Thank you for all your information, support, reasoning, and integrity. This work means a lot to many people!
Wouldn't it be hard to prove "coercive control" in a court of law?
I agree, this is a topic I’d also like to see covered. Initially, coercive control is so difficult to detect and there are so many ways an abuser can execute it.
Coercive control is like boiling a frog in a pot, starting with cold water. Slowly, the heat rises and the frog just stays put because he gets used to it a little at a time. Whereas if you threw a frog into a hot pot, his reflexes would kick in. People caught the snare of coercive control can easily be blind to what is happening because it is gradual and insidious. Also, the colors of controller has brainwashed his victim by redefining reality. It is the dictionary according to _____ . You almost have to grab the victim by the shoulders and shove a pair of glasses with good clear lenses in them and force them to take a good look at what has been happening. Even then, the incredible fear that they have been trained to experience (at the molecular level) can totally eclipse any rational thought and any healthy decision-making process. This can easily lead to victim blaming. Coercive control is under recognized and absolutely underestimated by society in general.
My husband: How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Me: One... they hold the bulb and the whole world revolves around them.
My husband: None... they use gas lighting.
It's so insidious. Yes, to all of this and then add financial dominance and it's "game over." Thank you for your expertise , Dr. C., it's astonishing how accurate this all is for what I experienced.
Ha mine used to tell me how stupid I was at anything I did ...why did you do that that way you should have done this way..yet I was the person doing all the physical work besides all the cooking etc because I wasnt to smart until I found Dr. CARTER and am learning to heal and 30 yrs wasted Im like how did I not see this how,??? And again everything Dr. CARTER states was my life ..I like one day he told me I didn't know how to make mashed potatoes??? I said umm thats weird been making them for how many years and you havent had any trouble wating them..its short of them being crazy!!!
I was the youngest and raised to be a “weakling” and “a shell of a person” by a mother with narcissistic personality disorder with borderline traits, and two out of three brothers with narcissistic personality disorder. They are undiagnosed of course which means they don’t have it. (But they have it.) My father was only physically present to me in the household, declaring to me that he was going to be concentrating all of his time with my next oldest brother who needed him more and that he was “letting your mother have you.”
It was a chaotic, terrifying, unpredictable, and violent environment.
I’ve always known something was wrong with my family, but still I internalized it. It was me. I could not show negative emotions. I could never share what I was struggling with. I could never complain. I could never achieve. That was instilled from the beginning.
I am in my fifties now and didn’t start putting it all together solidly until the past few years. I feel so utterly and irreparably broken and ashamed of myself. I feel profoundly inadequate much of the time. So much is programmed I struggle with whose voice I’m hearing, theirs or mine. I have a tremendous internal struggle.
I am stuck. What can I do?
may take time - it gets better ❤
@@chloebell22Thank you. It’s hard to imagine it getting better, but I have to believe you. I have a new start. I am no longer in contact with my family. I have a beautiful family of my own, a supportive wife, a strong faith in God and a church community. Baby steps I guess. I should have finished the video before asking what I can do. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. It looks like there are some good resources available here.
You just described my family. For me, the biggest change occurred when I went no contact over four years ago- 100% completely. That was the easy part. The next few years I was struggling to learn good coping skills and replacing those horrible voices with kind and supportive self talk, ( thank you Carter and Ramani). Unfortunately, our society is filled with broken people who want to remain in these damaging cycles so it’s hard. They are everywhere. I believe that Dr. Carter and Ramani are true revolutionaries , guiding us pioneers into a better way of living. You are not broken, beautiful bird. You just need to give yourself permission to fly again. You can do it.
@@kurtisjohnson9530 sounds wonderful to me! This week I noticed the soundtrack that narrates my inadequacies was NOT PLAYING. There was quiet and I could watch TV! I realised the lie of being perfect or punished had been debunked. It hurts to have been treated as if you are bad, but it’s wonderful getting out! the narrator shuts up, you should feel less inadequate and more peace ❤️❤️
My ex narc would come home from work and accuse me of cheating because he'd seen a car similar to mine parked at a hotel. My question to him was what was he doing at the hotel? You always had to be in a defense mode.
Exactly
Thank you so much! This is really starting to sink in now. I woke up this morning seeing the way this has stopped me from being able to accomplish what I need to accomplish in my life. I recalled the ways I have been manipulated and scared out of being me. I put a prayer out there to be restored to where I need to be and who I need to be in life. I don’t know all the steps yet to get to there but I’m working on it and asking god/the universe, how ever one wants to view it, for the way back to me, and to no longer be scared to be who I am. All of the creativity that is lost and art and music and potential in people to give to the world because of this is so huge. Like you said, and I am deepening my understanding of this point, they are still in the school yard in their mentality and thoughts that, no one can be better as they see it. Really starting to get it.
Seek Yahweh our Creator God dear one... HE created the universe. Seek HIM not His creation for help, via His son Yeshua/Jesus. He is REAL and TRUE... Many have NO REASON to lie to other about HIM. Be blessed... Keep praying and seeking spiritual strength from Him. But you must ask HIM directly, He WILL HEAR YOU. Learn more about Gods ways... He is a good Father.
My husband told me I should stop listening to these videos. He's scared because my eyes are open now and I understand what's happening. God bless you sir for your videos.
That's interesting. Keep learning!
That gives some insight as to why I have attracted so many narcissists over my life time. They needed me to be broken down. That set me up for the next one. Sometimes, it's just better to be alone.
AGREE!
It's weird how similar they are to each other. I could make a checklist and rest assured every single one of them would show every single behavioral construct that's on that list.
After figuring them out you can predict a pattern which I find very helpful actually. Helpful in avoiding these narcissists, but also helpful in navigating areas where you can't avoid them for some reason or other.
For example I recently started sprinkling in compliments to see how they react and they eat that up like it's honey. Saying what they want to hear is is going to help anyone a great deal.
Personally I'm fiercely independent and I now have a partner who not only respects me, but also my values which include my independence(bc my independence isn't a threat for him)
Narcissists and enablers around them, want you to settle. Never settle. Always go for what you want. Not for what other's want for you.
Thanks, Les! I'm beginning to understand that MOST of my friends, family, bosses and coworkers were/are narcissists. I'm also trying to weed out ANY and all narcissistic traits in my own heart. I've always known something was wrong in this world, but couldn't quite put a finger on it. Your videos have educated and encouraged me SO much! Have a nice week.
You're quite welcome.
Quite simply Dr C has the best information we can use as guidance to exit this toxicity safely as well as quickly ♥️ because of him I’m now narc free & just have purchased some land to build my dream home for retirement alone!
So pleased for you, Carole.
Another good one was when I was watching the original Shrek movie the scene where Shrek and Fiona find the snake and frog and turn them into balloons the narcissist got angry at my choice of movie and said that that scene is teaching children how to abuse animals. Everyone knows you can’t turn a real animal into a real balloon. I almost laughed at him but I didn’t because his reaction seemed weird to me.
Gus is so lovely and loyal in the background there. Makes me smile.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom Dr Carter, I have been helped immensely just listening to your videos. Thankyou.😊
The covert REALLY whittles away at your independence they hate it.
I knew I had made a mistake when my ex tried directing me on how I should rake leaves. We were both outside, and I was just trying to have fun, and he was super serious with mansplaining how I was doing it wrong. Never mind the fact that I grew up raking since I was old enough to hold a rake, and he was from a place that did not have a fall season!
You're describing my wife 100%.
I'm doing something about it these days.
You are brilliant at putting narcissists crazy making behaviors and tactics into words. It’s extremely validating!! Thanks Dr. C
You are quite welcome
It’s even worse than you’re saying, because my dad wanted me to BELIEVE I was autonomous and free and confident, but he did everything to undermine all that he was saying until I didn’t understand which end was up.
Spot on Dr C. It's fascinating to me how it's often like you were there, watching it all unfold.
WOW!! this describes my 'friend' perfectly!
He makes the 'rules' but I seem to be the only one to follow them. Add double standard to this.
You definitely have to know if someone wants to lower you so badly,why would that be a need for them? What does your doing well or confidence hurt them? I believe it's obvious,but they'll use justification, something you did so you deserve it somehow,that's a cover for what's really going on!
I've been through all these. I'm thankful I got away. Experiencing & recovering from it has been brutal.
this was the most fitting video I've heard of the last 18 years of my marriage. So glad we're divorcing!
I am a healed narcissist.
1) I had to make the decision and commitment to heal. The only thing that convinced me to do that was deep heartbreak- losing things and people I truly cared about. And yes, I cared about people.
2) Having people who SHOWED me how to be loving, were patient while I learned to be vulnerable, and didn’t just agree with me.
3) The more I gained self awareness, the more the surface-level romantic relationships seemed empty and unsatisfying. The quick fixes didn’t work to distract me anymore. I began to see how shallow they were and selfish they truly were in life.
4) I had to cut out anyone who wasn’t helping me to heal for my own healing. This meant I needed a break from other narcissists abusing me to feel safe- including my own father.
5) I started understanding empathy, true love, etc. I started understanding how we feed low self esteem and fears within us. How that terrible voice inside us may sound like our parents, an ex, a terrible past teacher, etc. but it’s really our ego trying to protect us. Its our inner child begging for is to heal trauma.
6) Now, when I am around a narcissist and cant avoid it, I used psychopathic tactics to render them powerless. Psychopaths eat narcs for breakfast.
6) I dont wear masks anymore. I dont tear myself down.
7) I had to learn how-to SELF SUPPLY, which is the key for a narc to heal. They have to stop using people. They have so much self-doubt, fear of intimacy and abandonment,etc that they dont trust themselves to generate love. I literally had to coach myself to USE MYSELF to get my needs. “I am safe. I am capable. I am love.”
Thank you Dr. Carter for changing my life in the way that I now fully understand exactly what I endured for almost 60 years. It’s literally like you are telling me about my ´sister’ word for word. I just can’t believe this latest video. This is what I lived through and thought it was all my fault when there is an actual name for all of this craziness. Edit: I did have no choice but to go No Contact over 10 years go and I should have done it back in the 1970’s when it went out of control, there is truly no hope for these people.
On one hand, I'm sorry for your circumstances. On the other hand, I'm glad you've been figuring it out and that I get to be on that path with you. #TeamHealthy
At first I was like you were describing my mother. She said back in 86 that I let you join the army. No, I was 18. Old enough to enlist. Then my sister came up in your talk. She was 18 years older and possibly my mother. She did the smear no contact bs ALL my life. Hard to describe how detailed she would get. And I knew the bs was coming when she would say “Oh, Ida” before any sentence. Oh Ida. All the time. Or the silence refusing to visit me or not showing up and silence. Drove me batty. Meanwhile I’m making a life for my daughter and I. I swear she would have been happy seeing me in section 8 housing for the end of my years. Jokes on her I am far from that!!! Beaches!!!
I remember telling the narcissist about a friend of mine's break up. He only knew the friend from sight. It wasn't a mutual friend.
And the narcissist said, "Well they weren't really dating were they? What those people do isn't actually dating."
As always, Dr. Carter is a gem! I learn so much from every video. Thank you for doing what you do.
You're quite welcome.
Coercive control is like boiling a frog in a pot, starting with cold water. Slowly, the heat rises and the frog just stays put because he gets used to it a little at a time. Whereas if you threw a frog into a hot pot, his reflexes would kick in. People caught the snare of coercive control can easily be blind to what is happening because it is gradual and insidious. Also, the colors of controller has brainwashed his victim by redefining reality. It is the dictionary according to _____ . You almost have to grab the victim by the shoulders and shove a pair of glasses with good clear lenses in them and force them to take a good look at what has been happening. Even then, the incredible fear that they have been trained to experience (at the molecular level) can totally eclipse any rational thought and any healthy decision-making process. This can easily lead to victim blaming. Coercive control is under recognized and absolutely underestimated by society in general.
My sister fell for the extraordinary and many talents of the man she met. My parents and I recognised his fraudulent claims immediately. Unfortunately, she believed every word, married him and years later she is a shadow of her former self She was an intelligent woman whose confidence he, who is as thick as mince, destroyed bit by bit. He did a Markle with my parents. It was them or him. As a result my sister rarely saw them. I've kept in contact in order that she knows she has an ally, but clearly my independence threatens him and I tread on eggshells simply because he has the power to stop our meeting. And he would. So very, very sad.
It's a very hard thing to watch people you love needlessly destroyed.
P.S. to the destruction of your soul…By God’s grace, there will be a bit of your soul left, and given time, therapy and support-and His continued grace, love and help-there will be a rebuilding. Never give up!
Thank you so much for doing these podcasts, Dr. Carter! You have helped me so much in the past few years.
So pleased!
Little that I know my independence was whittled away by my narcissistic husband until it was too late
My degree, my school contract, my marriage, immediate change of plans, petitioning the state to leave with my child, from there it was just increasing dependence.
One of the most clear videos about narcs
Good I have to see mine tomorrow. Nervous.
You got this!
Remember your dignity, respect and civility. ❤
It is almost as if you were in my house watching this unfold for the last fifty years. It took me years to be who I was the day before I said "I DO"
You are so right about these people down to the smallest details, every time I listen to you , you describe exactly what the narcissist did in my life to the tee, I am now away from her and have healed quite a bit, Thank you for all that you do to help us know we are not alone and or are we the crazy ones 😂❤
Quick question sir. My son is diagnosed with autism and I found out about 7 years ago when my ex, remarried, would pick my son up for a visit I found out he was sexually and physically abusing badly. Would you do a video on the root of this type of narssissist? The cruelty was horrible and it resulted in my son having outbursts that at first seemed to be out of nowhere until I discovered what had been occuring. My ex could be so schizophrenic, jekyll and hyde, that kept it hidden for too long. What happens when a narssissists need to control go to the level of abusing a young adult who cannot fight back? He claims to be a Christian, yet hurt him terribly. This is absolutely demonic activity to me.
Thank you so much for this DR Les, Being free is our birthright, No one has a right to step on someone's boundaries, Human rights, No one can force someone to be with someone, Especially when you know exactly what they are and they throw hate abuse, threats because they are exposed and can't handle the truth, I won't allow myself to get in to abusive relationships again, You're a great bloke, Peace , love and respect to you, Gus and everyone, Thank you universe, All glory to the most high God 😃🦁🕊🌌🌈🌹🦄✌👽💜💛❤💚💙💗😃
Have watched many of DRC sessions , this one more than
Others , nailed it fir my current situation , self freedom , it’s saved me from being a lost soul 🐘
I am going through something like this right now. I am a very senior post-doc who has been encouraged to become faculty. The lab chief that I have working with over the past year gets jealous when I speak to people in the department, some of whom I have known for over 20 years. She started out by telling me how lucky I was that I met someone as kind and generous as her. She has even insulted allies of mine, one of whom is the person who introduced me to her. The weird dynamic here is that I am an African-American researcher who was trained at a predominantly White university which shares a city with the predominantly Black university, at which I currently work. The African-American researchers in the city tend to know each other. When I speak to my colleagues, they openly tell me how vindictive she is. I suspect that I am seeing a narcissistic boss who is on her way down.
I think you are right. Be careful that she doesn’t take you on her way down, keep fostering better relationships around you.
NOTE: Narc Boss has failed to curtail my & co-worker's independence. However, none of her behaviors have changed for better or worse.
For the record- 🐶 puppy 🐶 GUS looks good 😊: again: good 😊: happy smile 😃
Woof!
Truth. I had to stop listening because it was all too true and too much to bear today.
Pray.
They cycle through love bombing and devaluation because it trauma bonds you. It hooks you like an addiction. Just ignore it and expect the cycle… let them leave.
Yes. My late stepfather treated me that way.
Thank you Dr. Les for explaining this; I get it!
There is something so therapeutic about your dog sleeping on your couch in your videos. Can you tell us more about your cutie?
Gus is a rescue dog (terrier mutt) who is now 10 years old. I got him at 10 months. Almost immediately he began going to my office with me each day and my patients loved him. He's having some back issues these days, so that has slowed him down. Gus is a great companion.
@@SurvivingNarcissism terriers are my favorite and are truly the greatest companions. He is lucky to have you. Hope Gus feels better after some good long naps. Thanks for sharing him with us and all of your wonderful videos.
Southcentral Texas: USA 🇺🇸: btw: thank you 😊: again; thank you 😊
Man, this makes me realize I got out early when I cut off my ex last week. Phew!
Exactly what you say Mr Carter. You say what happened to me
Thank you Gus and Dr. C
From Cynthia in JANESVILLE, WI
Whoa…rings true!
My narc is making it very difficult for me to go outside. Our front porch and ramp and our back deck needs to be replaced and he has been procrastinating. I am a fall risk, and every time I bring it up, he makes excuses about not fixing them. He has also got mad when I've told him something I learned from OTHER PEOPLE. If HE didn't teach it to me, then I was taught wrong. He does the same thing when he goes with me to the doctor. HE tells the doctor about things to make ME look like I'm doing things to MYSELF!!! Yeah, like ASKED to fall on our deck because I WANTED TO FALL and hurt myself and become disabled and I ASKED to have Vertigo ON TOP of it so that I can fall every time I take a step. AND HE'S A VOLUNTEER FIRE FIGHTER!!!! HE should KNOW that things INSIDE our house is a fire hazard to the point I may not be able to get out with our 3 fur babies!!!!! He is just doing it so that I don't leave again. He was humiliated when his first wife left, and he won't go through that again. But I caught on after a few videos like this back in early 2020. Then I left, but came back because no one knew how long the pandemic would last. Now he's making it so that I can't go outside AT ALL. Not caring that even being INSIDE is not good for me because he is not cleaning the house to keep me free from dust. He doesn't care that I am disabled. Just as long as I have to rely on HIM ONLY to take care of me, he acts like the "perfect" husband. But he's not. IF he loved me as much as he says he does, he would FIX those things that would put me in grave danger!!! If I keep falling, I will continue to hurt my back, no matter HOW I fall, and then I would end up paralyzed permanently so that I can't go outside AT ALL. He enjoys watching me be in constant pain. Like he's telling himself he's winning. And not a lot of people can see what he is doing. And when someone says something about it, he makes the excuse he's waiting for better weather. It's been a few years that he's known these things needed fixing!!! But yet, he has people thinking that I'm delusional. What do I do????!!! Hi, Gus!!!!
Be careful because after they’ve lost one woman then they’re less likely to let you go & murder is the result
Umm.. he is a narc because you are needy and disabled? Sounds like he just can’t fix the deck and is a hoarder and sucks at cleaning. Being disabled is your problem not his.
I think my brother does fear my independence. I'd go to prison rather than say guilty of something I'm not 🏴
Yup absolutely true 👍👍
You are so right!
Pamela
Thank you Dr. Carter
Hi, i have seen what you say. How the one? person have meet hate against, but is also play boss about how someone must do. To kick against who take a piece gum.....is overdrive an don't help to create it more peacefull.
Today I have been doing the whole day what the mother of my son wanted even cooked for her did the dishes washing machine went twice out to the beach with my son because she asked me, walked 10km and at the end of the day when my son wants to be with me and runs away from her she is angry with me saying that weekends are for her to spent time with him…even though she asked me to be with him, she rarely spend quality time with him and then it’s jealous and manufacturing drama…I’m grey rock because there is no possible solution to this madness…I wonder if some dad has similar experience? I feel at this point I could write a book about all the things…thankfully I’ve been doing a video blog for the past two months but relationship was like this for five years. Her mother was bipolar and she blocked her on whatsup when she was still alive, I never knew why but they did see each other. I’m not sure if she is narcissist or some codependent or histrionic or what, I’m completely confused because of I find it hard to put her in a specific category…if I were to guess I’d say a covet narcissist and possibly some comorbidities…the better I became the more nasty she got, when I stopped smoking she told me that I still drink…when I won in bodybuilding competition she only talked about herself, etc etc
My mom is like that with my half brother - gets jealous and tries to interfere whenever I talk or interact with him; she is in love with her kid and thinks he is her playmate and her boyfriend; it is sickening
@@claireh.7605 I can only imagine....
DRC!😊🕊☺
Thank you very much Dr. Carter for your descriptions and advice. May God bless your heart.
You are very welcome
Thank you for your channel. It has helped me immensely to learn what I have been dealing with for the last 25 years of marriage. It's still an awful situation but at least I now know what I am dealing with. This sort of content is what keeps me working on becoming stronger.
I spent a long time doing some very deliberate personal growing. Anything in an area where I could be shamed or undermined was fine with him, although he clearly didn't recognize that I was making progress despite his best efforts. Where the trouble came in was where I was working on being open-minded. I commented that I was trying to understand the points of view of people I really disagreed with. He could think very loudly, and I almost drowned in a wave of silent disapproval. Besides, the way I liked to cook carrots was wrong. Not incorrect. Morally offensive.
Thank u for another enlightening podcast Dr. C!!!!!!
Thank you, Dr. Carter!