Thanks this really helped me realize that im demisexual I thought i was just ace or aro but realized i do have crushes so i was confused but ican relate to every thing in this video
I do not understand "angry sex" or "makeup sex." I had multiple exes try to explain it to me, and I just didn't get it. Being demi doesn't only apply to who you will be intimate with, but how and when. Like if the vibes are off I'm not into it. Apparently allosexual people can just block that out, or it doesn't play into whether they are attracted or not.
I’m a 46 year old virgin as I’m only attracted to people who share similar sexual values. I don’t understand hookup culture. I see sex as the most meaningful activity me or my partner could participate in. A significant amount of my relational worth comes from sharing sex with only one person who does the sesame for me. I feel people like me mate for life and can’t truly understand any other way or are repulsed by any other way. It’s not some kind of extreme religious view, it’s an attraction to shared values above most all other traits.
There are still days where I question my demisexuality cause I can still be aesthetically attracted to people every so often. But hookup culture is odd to me. I was shocked when I found out people could just have sex without any emotion connection.
@Dan Banny someone thinks they’re the center of the world cause not everyone thinks or feels the same things you do. Some people feel attraction some don’t can’t be helped but saying it’s “delusional brainwash ideology” is ignorance.
Another thing related to the timeline -- it's not just about SEX. I really can't do the "dating" thing where you go on a few dates, then start holding hands/kissing, and then a few dates later go further, etc. Like - I have to develop really deep emotional/intellectual intimacy before I can handle ANY physical intimacy, even holding hands or kissing.
Same oh my god. For the longest time I thought it was something to do with my childhood trauma or that I was defective in some way because physical intimacy was always so repulsive to me. But its hard to realize you're demi because most people won't sit and wait around for you to get to know them first so you never really get the chance to fall in love and to experience those things which is sad
Not my area of expertise but that sounds more like demiromantic. I'm demisexual and I love all the hand holding stuff, though obviously not everyone is the same, the only other demisexual I know personally is the same as me but that doesn't mean extremes don't exist (that's why they call it acespec after all, because it's a spectrum). Hower, what you described, based on my understanding sounds more about romantic attraction and interactions than sexual. Though I'm sure there are others who may understand it better than I do, but, well, it could be you are both demisexual & demiromantic.
@@hawkeyescoffee6399 Could be, but I don't mind any of the non-physical romance things: flowers, poetry, flirting, adoring glances, etc. It's specifically related to touch that may lead to sex eventually. But I will admit that I don't fully understand the romantic vs. sexual distinction in these things, so it's quite possible for me it's both. I could believe that.
The friends to lovers trope is so true XD I never understood how people could find any other romance trope better, and after I started questioning if I was demi I realized that that was a huge indicator and suddenly everything made sense lmao
@Doctor_Who I mean I didn't say I realized I was demisexual because of a romance trope, and sexuality isn't the same as romantic love. In fiction a lot of people like the ~sexual tension~ in the enemies to lovers trope whereas I never really understood how it could be there without positive/friendly interactions between the characters. After I realized I was demi I also realized that aspects of my fictional romance preferences line up with my sexuality lol
I love that trope! For me the only other trope that rivals it is, enemies to lovers! They hate each other, then grow to love each other. Some even end up together! It's all good til there's no more conflict between them (when they aren't enemies anymore and don't hate each other). But friends to lovers is also amazing! You see them fall for each other, pinning, slow burn, and the drama! Oh, the drama leading up to their eventual relationship... And eventual marriage! (if that happens)
frrr!!!! i’ve NEVER understood how someone could date someone without being good friends w them first. i’m lowkey abt to cry tears of joy rn bc i js found out what demisexuality is like an hour ago (don’t ask how i didn’t know before) and ive been down this rabbit hole, just stoked at how i do PERFECTLY relate to every sign of demisexuality. ive felt like this for so long but no one else could ever relate. it’s actually so comforting to know that there are a ton of other ppl like this
I think demisexuality is on a spectrum as well. I absolutely don't get hookup culture even though I have tried it before - found it very unsatisfying and potentially detrimental to me as I tend to get emotionally attached to someone quickly in that sort of scenario. I can feel sexual attraction to someone right away but me learning more about them can very much make me either completely lose interest or become very deeply attached. Hookup culture and non-monogamy are very hard for me to personally understand even though I know others are able to engage in those things. For me its always been about forming a deep connection with someone.
As a Demi, Enemies to lovers is a really good trope for me too, because first they're at each others throats, then over time they become frenemies/friends, then even more time and they might feel something more ❤
I hope this is speaking to me because I have been at war with my soul mate for a VERY long time and he has done some things, but I know we are meant to be together. Being demisexual explains why I'm still in love with this guy; he was my first, and I never built that bond I had with him with other people. I did have this really hot guy named Patrick come to me, and I wish we would get together. I wanted to show him I truly was the one, but we didn't do too well because of my attitude at the time due to anxiety. Still, I built an emotional bond with him. Being demisexual makes me feel so lonely because it takes me super long to build up wanting something real with someone. I would drop everything in a heartbeat to be with him if he asked to meet me and would so sleep with him fast.
@@SkinCareLuver I mean same. It's hard for demis to let go because they built that bond, and it's hard to find someone else that can invoke these feelings again. I hope everything works out for you.
I remember being confused why people wanted to date people they didn't already know. I think it was confusing to me because I was under the presupposition that you dated someone to establish a relationship that involves physical intimacy(holding hands, hugging, kissing, *other*). I always thought it was weird to date people to get to know them and to see if you're compatible. I really thought(and think, but only for me, myself, and I). "You should already know someone BEFORE you date them."
All through middle school and high school I wouldn't start to fantasize about my crushes until I'd invented a whole backstory about them and become their very best friend in my imagination 😂
I've identified as demi for many years. It's SO rare for me to like someone (romantically or sexually). I've never experienced "crushes". I've only ever experienced sexual attraction to one person and that first happened when I was 30 years old. Late right? Yeah, that's how rare it is. It took many months and years before that sexual attraction developed. And i was confused as f*ck when i first felt it - I was like what the heck is this weird feeling? 😂 I know you only pointed out 5 signs. The tricky part of our demisexual identity is how nuanced it is, and how difficult it is to describe to people. There's many other signs too. The erasure and invalidation of "oh that's just normal" hurts a lot. It hurts because demisexuals (and other aces and aros) experience a lot of hurtful, discriminatory and harmful things in today's hypersexualised society that allosexuals don't experience. We don't "choose" to be this way. It's not a choice. Whereas some people make it seem like we choose to be like this. The challenges experienced with being demisexual are so often overlooked and gone unrecognised. Dating apps. Hook up culture. Societal emphasis on physical attraction. Media's messaging of "sex sells" and the emphasis on physical and sexual over and above emotional bonds/closeness. Being demisexual also often feels like the reverse of how dating is structured in today's society. Allosexuals generally meet someone, feel attraction immediately, ask them to date in order to get to know them, and over time they perhaps bond and their attraction strengthens. Whereas demisexuals, it's in reverse: we need to build a friendship, strengthen emotional bonds and deep connection over time, and only then after time is it possible that attraction MIGHT (but not necessarily will) develop, and only after that might we consider dating them (i.e. dating them AFTER we already know them, not date in order to get to know them like alloseuxals often do). Sorry for the long comment 😂
I’m 45 years old and only learned of demi a couple years ago while searching for LGBTQIA+ terms for my own understanding. I wasn’t looking to learn something about myself but then I read about Demisexual and demiromantic and it was like someone finally explained why I was so different than my peers and so many assumptions were made. I thought I was broken. I mean, I am, but not because of this. Humanity is evolving. I’m glad I’m in one of the genetic lines that experiences physical attraction through emotional connection.
Heyyy! Your comment is 1 year old, so you might not see this, I just want to say how glad I am for you! ❤ I found out that I'm demisexual when I was almost 30 and, just like you, I had thought I was broken until then. Finding out that there's a term for it and that other people experience the same can be so freeing.
It's now a two year old comment, but just chiming in here now to say, as someone in their mid-50s, I did about the same as you. This part of the spectrum helps to explain a whole lot about my past adult relationships and my current place on that spectrum. I'd never thought of it before. But.... Knowledge is power, folks. Always. keep. learnin'.
I can't believe I wasn't already subbed to your channel! I definitely feel the "crushing on your friends" problem, but... sort of in a weird way? As in I have often thoughts I have romantic feelings for someone, only to have it turn out that I just really adore them platonically. In the past, it's taken me a while to differentiate between platonic and romantic love, because I don't really know the nature of my feelings until the sexual attraction kicks in down the line, if it does at all.
I've considered myself demi for about 5 years now. I always thought that it was normal to crush on friends, but my dating experience was practically non existent. I remember having massive crushes on my guy best friends at different times in middle school, but it wasn't until high school when I actually started dating and realized that I wasn't feeling the same thing as my peers. My boyfriend waited 2 years for me to be ready to have sex and he never pushed me or pressured me, in fact our first time we had to stop because I wasn't comfortable and it hurt, probably due to me being paranoid about what I needed to do and taking my mind out of it. He didn't sulk or make a big deal out of it, he just visited me while we watched tv;and then we just tried (successfully) the next day. I married that bf, and let me say, coming out to him was HARD. Nothing was different, I just had a new name for myself. He still doesn't quite understand the asexual/demisexual etc crowd, and I know he's still wrapping his head around it.....but that's why I appreciate other people making videos like these, to help explain it better. I've always thought that I was just... built wrong or I don't think about the right things and I should just get over myself for caring too much about little stuff, but I can't. It's just how I'm wired, and I guess people don't really have to understand it fully.. They just have to accept it :)
I find that I'm can feel immense sexual attraction to someone but I identify with the demisexual identify in regards to the fact that yes, I do feel sexual attraction to individuals I find attractive however realistically speaking I can't see myself sleeping with them or going through with any act like hookup does until I've developed a connection with them + I personally prioritize mental stimulation far more than I do physically stimulation as a gay man but I wonder if that's just my specific preference within My queerness rather than me being demi. But for some reason I still personally identify with demisexual even if it is fully by the book of the full spectrum of the identity
I'm the exact same! Seeing someone else being "unconventionally" demi honestly feels so validating, as I've been confused for a while about whether I fit into that label at all, but it's lovely to see I'm not the only one who feels this way.
omg yessss same!!! I was watching this video and was like hmm maybe I’m not fully demi according to these traits… but you explained my thoughts perfectly, I’m the exact same way
From my perspective I think this would by definition mean that you're not demisexual. Maybe graysexual? Or perhaps it truly is a decision you make. I say this because the thing about being demisexual is that I'm not capable of getting sexual attraction without an intense bond. Sometimes it sucks because I'd like to feel that attraction earlier on just to know if it's worth pursuing a relationship even if I do want to wait. If someone felt attraction to all genders, but only chose to have sex with one gender would you say that that person was gay? Straight? Pansexual? Most of these terms are designed to communicate how people experience attraction and love - not what they decide to do with it. I think it's perfectly fine to say that you like to take things slow if that's your preference, but I feel it would benefit the ace community if people didn't use this term if they are only applying it to their preferences on when to act on sexual attraction.
omg same!! you worded that perfectly. I thought I didn't fit in the Demi sexual criteria as well since I feel sexual attraction but prioritize mental attraction.
I think I am demi-sexual is cause even though I feel attraction to strangers sometimes, I still can't act on my sexual desires till I get to know them, I just totally clam up even though I do like them I just can't till I know them a little.
Do you know if it is sexual attraction you feel to strangers? Could it be aesthetic attraction or romantic attraction? That might be why you wouldn't/couldn't act on them?
I am straight, but never had sexual attraction to any men before. I don't understand hook ups nor I think it's a good idea. If you are looking for the right person, then make sure you know yourself first, have standards, and get to know the other person.
Thank you for the video! I’m nearly 33 and just in recent months have started to think I may be demi. I’m grateful for people talking about it b/c I only started wondering when I read about someone else’s experience about confusing friendship with romantic feelings. And then I started polling all my friends about how they experience sexual attraction 🤣 It has not affected my life too much, but it’s helping me understand myself a bit more
I happy to help! And yeah listening to other people and how they experience sexual attraction it always confuses me cause I’m like but you don’t know them how are you attracted to them lol
I love the hookup culture argument. It makes perfect sense to me! Also, I think we should always keep in mind the difference between physical attraction and aesthetic attraction. I've had crushes on some people without having any emotional bond with them. I would kiss them, but not have sex with them. Then, when I met someone with whom I had a very strong emotional connection, the sexual desire appeared. It was about the same time when I heard about demissexuality. I loved how everything clicked for me.
Yes that. I see there's variations in my own deminess...I do have crushes all the time, I want to have sex but when I try to force myself I just don't feel anything, just nothing at all, numb everywhere if you know what I mean. Not very satisfying for either of us. I've stopped trying, hoping for dates...
I am a lesbian-demisexual, I realized after having a really good conversation with my friends then I start having feelings for them and I’m like damn. Hook up culture I don’t understand it at all like just why especially with strangers like just why? But also demisexuals can be straight, bi, homosexual and all that.
THANK YOU I just learned what it meant today I realized the description fits me perfectly you have let me discover a new part of me I’ve never realized 😭
WHEN YOU SAID THE FRIENDS TO LOVERS THING MY JAW DROPPRED omg... omg I have been thinking if I'm demi a lot and I think this is my signal... wow, thank you. (btw, no, that isn't the only thing that makes me believe this, I've been doing quite a lot of research)
Thank you! This video actually helped me a lot because it made clear that I really am NOT demi, because not a single sign ringed a bell. I'm definitely on ace spec though.
This helped me A LOT!! I’m in that exact situation mentioned in the beginning of the video, I’m feeling confused and alone and wanna figure out what exactly I am! Thank you for this video, things are starting to make a lot of sense to me 😆
I don’t think I am demisexual because I have had hookups and I do feel initial attraction towards people but emotional connection is weighted super heavily for me. I’ve always been very open-minded when it comes to looks and the emotional connection can absolutely make or break my attraction to them. I also very much love the friends to lovers trope and I’ve had crushes on my friends but my attraction is amplified by that emotional connection. Granted, that could just be normal but I can’t see into the heads of other people lol. I find myself a lot more attracted to people I have a strong bond even if I may not feel much initial attraction towards them. On the flip side, a person can be strikingly beautiful but I won’t be attracted to them at all if I don’t like them as a person. I’m still very new to studying demisexuality and I very much appreciate this video! I apologize if there are significant gaps in my understanding. I’m trying to remedy that as we write
From what you have described in your comment, it feels like you are allosexual. And everything else sounds pretty standard to me. It is pretty common to feel that way.
I am similar and I'm pretty sure it's demi anyway. I need emotional connection to feel physical attraction, and I need base aesthetic attraction to develop physical. However I have, unlike most Demis in comments, no monogamous inclination. I am relationship-anarchous, which means I prefer for relationships to develop by themselves - it is descriptive not prescriptive, so I am not looking to "lock in" any particular type of relationship - and I'm not monogamous. However, I still need emotional connection. It can just happen very fast, even over one date, to then have sex. Or not. Could take way more, I don't care, though I notice that I look for sexually open and positive people. I love sexuality more than monogamy, but I don't do relationships without connection.
Thank you so much for your video, it really helped a lot. Especially telling apart platonic and romantic attraction is so hard for me. I feel like getting to know people (in a dating kind of way) is so confusing at times. Atm I‘m seeing a girl I met on tinder with the intention to find out whether or not there could be any kind of romantic relationship there. It was all great and stuff after our initial dates, at some point we also cuddled and I thought I might like to kiss her at some point as well. Well, fast forward to our first kiss a few dates after (all good in the situation itself) and a day after it happened my mind is all over the place. It kind of feels like my initial ˋcrush‘ feelings have suddenly disappeared and I don’t have any idea how to handle this situation. I‘m unsure whether or not time and a potentially closer emotional bond may lead to me feeling any kind of attraction. 🥺
Nice video and thank you for expressing some of your experiences. I still don't quite know where I fall (I'm inclined to say Gray-Asexual). I definitely find myself physically attracted to others, but don't have a desire to automatically pursue something sexual just because I am sexually attracted to them. I agree with a lot of the things you said. I don't get the appeal of hook up culture, I've definitely caught feelings for friends, friends to lovers is my ideal scenario, etc. I often feel burdened by my sexual "urges" and libido. As I'm still figuring myself out , it's nice to hear other's experiences and realize that it's a spectrum and that we're all different. I'll continue to try to figure myself and more and more. Thank you again and keep it up!
The Friends to Lovers trope really resonated with me, to the point where i had (admittedly still have) trouble understanding any other way for romance to occur. Even after decades, the Enemies to Lovers trope absolutely baffles me!
Your points were well expressed and understood. But it was your honest heart in this video that helped me. Your true confusion with relationships today matched my own so much. Your shared personal experience, struck a true cord. Sadly i am 33 and only now realizing so much. I let alot of my bafflement and confusion turn to resentment and solitude and I am working on that now. Its warm souls like you that are helping. Thank you for sharing. The world needs more of this understanding and self-less compassion.
I was confused for the longest time, I knew I must have belonged on the asexual spectrum but didn't know why I still grew those sort of intimate feelings towards friends I crushed on. Eventually learned about demisexuality and that felt more right, but I still didn't quite fully understand it until this video. Thanks Lynn, you just made things so much clearer to me.
Thank you so much for this video! I've been wondering for the past few days if I might be ace, honestly because of Hazbin Hotel and people commenting on Facebook about Alastor being ace. A few people have described it and sometimes I was like: Kay, that sounds like me. So I talked to my friend, who started out as a friend and is also an ex but we're still good friends, who is more savvy about the community than I am and she suggested your channel. I was watching a few videos and saw this one, and I was honestly like mentally checking off all the boxes. Like I've had celebraty crushes on both genders sort of, but the idea of having sex with either never came to the forefront. Like I would love to hang with them, but I don't want to have sex with them. I'd honestly be happy with a genuine hug. I was questioning my sexuality and my therapist actually suggested I watch an adult site, and it took two seconds of seeing a naked man to figure out I definitely wasn't into men at all. Then I watched a video of two girls and was like: I can see this. But honestly, I have a question: Am I the only one who wants to have sex purely on a "scientific" level? Like I've never had it and I'm just curious what it's like. I don't think about anyone in particular when I fantasize and am usually not myself. But I do fantasize sometimes. It's just not your normal fantasies because of my particular kink. So I guess I'm just curious if I'm the only one who wants to have sex only to satisfy my curiosity, but I'm fine with waiting for marriage. I hope my rambling made some sort of sense. I'm just glad to hear that I'm not the only one.
Yup, definitely with you on the friends to lovers thing. Or enemies to friends to lovers. Go through ALL the developmental stages together 😂 I really love your ace spec content so much. Would love some grey ace stuff in future, but either way, thanks so much for these. ❤️
Demisexual Bisexual, I originally developed crushes on boys and girls growing up and there was so much stigma that said that s** was the end all, but I never quite saw it that way. I only ever felt immense romantic attraction to crushes, and it wasn’t until I was with someone for a while that those other feelings started to develop. Then I learned about Demisexuality and it all made sense 😂 thank you
I mean I already know 110% but this is a great video :D I feel like demisexuality can be an uncomfortable topic to talk about sometimes Also your new hairstyle and workspace looks awesome!
Your words clicked with me, thank you. When you mentioned the friends to lovers trope, I had to stop the video and laugh a little as the realization hit me why I might adore the trope so much.
Awesome video, appreciate you doing this. I appreciate the insight the video provided. ❤ I definitely would have loved to hear about this a lot earlier in life. Im glad this kind of information is able to be found and discussed more openly.
TGABK YOU IM GONNA CRY I CANT EVEN TELL YOU HOW MUCH IF AN OUTSIDER I FELT THINKING I WAS THE ONLY ONE BUT I WAS LITERALLY GONNA SCREAM AFTER EVERYTHING U SAID BC I RELATE TO IT SO SO DO MUCHHH OMG THANK U 😭😭😭
I've been like this all of my life and now I have a word for it. Demisexuality can be a curse though. We are prone to fixation and feel the people we are attracted to are utterly unique, irreplaceable and uniquely attractive in some ways when they may be quite ordinary in reality. Demi's get locked in to crushes and unrequited attractions that can last for years to the detriment of a fulfilling much less complex reciprocal sex life!
"Hook up culture" exists because people like that are bad at relationships... not because they are particularly good at sex. Whereas sensuality is the most neglected aspect of either. I have videos on the topic: Explaining ethical-sexuality and contextual-sensuality. Which I think falls under flux, but like: Love, then sensuality and then sex. That's my preference. But the culmination of emotional & psychological connections and caressing combine into the most important aspects, that is what makes sense to me. To feel like oneself but shared with another. I would rather go without if I can't have that. And hopefully anything I have said gives people more room to defend or communicate what applies to themselves and their own personal boundaries.
i was talking to my friend the other day (a recently made friend), and we were talking about LGBTQ+ i mentioned that i only fall for people i feel a connection to, more likely to happen when i get to know them well. she turned to me with a smile, gasped and said, you're demisexual! i smiled back. we are both demisexual, she's lesbian and i'm straight. and i also got my first crush! i thought i'd never experience a crush. I've known him my entire life. so this is what a crush feels like... more intense than i thought. it's an interesting experience. honestly for a while i thought i might be Asexual. had this crush for 2 years. (lost contact for many years. regained contact about 3 years ago. when the crush developed i tried to keep my distance a bit, but all that did was create anxiety around him. started hanging out with him more to get more comfortable, now it's morphed into more of an excited feeling). I'm not the best when it comes to hiding it. i kinda slipped up in my body language a few times. actually... "kinda" is an understatement. my awkwardness and stupid flustered face 😅
what you said about hookup culture is so true. i honestly used to think that hookup culture just meant making out, so i thought "eh, ok, i guess that's still doable", but then when i found out that it was beyond that, i was so confused and concerned even. i remember watching a TV show where the main character initiated sex with a random dude she talked to for literally 5 minutes in the bar, and i really could not understand how they could just do it. also, yes, my favourite trope is friends to lovers, but may i also suggest another chef's kiss trope: fake dating haha
totally agree with you, personally my favourite trope is enemies to lovers but It has to be slow burn otherwise I want nothing to do with it, I’ve always adored slow burn romances in general regardless of the trope
No but I was questioning until you got to the hookup culture part. LITERALLY MY WHOLE LIFE, I keep asking people who I am friends with why exactly they take part in hookup culture. There’s no emotional connection, you don’t know them, nothing!!! I don’t understand it at all, and all of high school (I’m in my last year of high school now) I have been confused about it and wondering why I feel weirded out and confused and kind of grossed out by the idea of just having sex or even kissing someone you don’t have a strong bond with, and have that emotional connection and you know they’re your “person”. Like I’ve had two experiences where I’ve been kissed by guys, first without my permission and on the FIRST BLOODY HANGOUT, all I wanted was to watch a play and have coffee and learn about each other 😭😭, and the second time was just a friend and I thought maybe I was attracted to him because I didn’t know the difference, or that maybe it would develop with time (news flash: I wasn’t sexually attracted to him and it didn’t develop with time, there wasn’t any true emotional connection) and so with both guys after the kiss I felt like throwing up and running away as far as I could, I felt disgusted and horrified and freaked out, I barely knew them. And continuously throughout high school, more of my friends start going to clubs, kissing people for fun, getting drunk to do stupid stuff, etc, and I keep wondering why those things just never appeal to me. Maybe I am a late bloomer? But I’m nearly 18. The internet says the average age when teens have first had sex is 17, and majority from developing “rebellious tendencies” and that it is a part of puberty and brain chemicals and stuff. I’m nearly 18 and the idea of doing any of that intimate stuff with people you barely know just freaks and grosses me out. I just don’t understand it. Like why??? My friends say it’s “fun” and idk “relieves stress” and stuff but like wtf what?? How?? Idk I just don’t get itttt 😭😭😭 But demisexuality literally explains all of that SO well, and I’m so glad I know now, I felt broken but now I know there’s a reason and I feel part of a community. I’m not alone! ☺️
Being 61 yo being demi likely saved me from AIDS, STDs & in more recent years...dates. no on seems to date anymore... oh well ill just date myself. Good luck demi ppl, your not alone!
I am new to Asexuality but have identified as Demisexual for 2 years. My experience with dating and hookup culture hasn't been good. I relate to what your saying about having "crushes on your friends" one of my crushes was on my high school best friend who stopped talking to me after 1 time of "hanging out by ourselves" I was devastated and didn't understand what I did wrong. We never talked about dating or being more than friends but I definitely had a crush on him that was obvious to everyone. My mom said "he doesn't feel the same way and thats ok." He basically avoided me the rest of the school year before he graduated and joined the navy. I haven't heard from him since 2009. After that my other crush was partially my own fault since I "waited for someone" who had no idea that I wanted to be with him. I won't go into too much detail about what happened on the internet but when I did finally see this "family friend" again it didn't go according to my plan...We didn't talk about my feelings towards him and it was a very rushed situation as he was only in town for a day. (he was from out of state and moving to seattle to join the navy) basically we went bowling together with my female best friend from high school who was the only one who knew how I felt about him. My crush on him and desire to have the "childhood best friends to lovers" relationship outshined all of my common sense that day. But honestly I couldn't have predicted what happened that day if I tried. - I wish the internet was a safe place to go over the details of what happened that day BUT its rather embarrassing on my end that I've let one day ruin 2 friendships...but I digress (However? Can a persons bad hookup experience lead them to being Asexual?) (this story is so hard to explain without explaining what actually happened and I apologize) I have always been awkward about sex. I grew up believing that sex was for marriage and I always wanted to at least wait until I found the right person. But after the events of the second example (again poorly explained) I lost all confidence in myself and thought I was broken and undesirable because of my 2 (very hard hitting for me rejections). I did however experience my first relationship shortly after this experience BUT I had literally no confidence and that six month relationship was very high emotions in a short 6 month period. When he broke up with me I was devastated. I felt so broken. But at the time I was obsessed with fitting into societies mold of "going to college and getting a degree." My college experience was horrible I found the hookup culture to be absolutely disgusting "friends hooking up with friends". There were other factors that made my experience miserable that I won't go into but the hookup culture and the expectation to have sex was too much for me and I thought that again I was broken for not wanting any part of it. But I wanted a "love story" so I thought that I was the problem in this equation. Since college which was about 8 years ago at this point I haven't exactly put myself out there dating wise. I live at home and read a-lot of books. I don't exactly put myself out there to meet new people. I've been single for so long at this point I have no desire to be in a romantic relationship. Its not totally off the table but these days I don't find myself even connecting with anyone romantically or being attracted to them. It's almost like I flipped a switch and turned that side of me off. Am I actually Asexaul or is it a choice? Sorry to post my whole life story I just don't know who to talk to about this stuff. I have a couple of friends who know my situation but they don't always know what to say or what direction to point me towards...
thanks for this because i had no idea if what i was feeling at all was normal. The only crushes I had were my closest friends and kissing someone for the first time who i had no past-relationship (platonically) felt like kissing a brick wall. I guess all-in-all this really helped with easing my mind.
I experienced my first sexual attraction when I was 16 or even 17. That was a genuine shock to me and explained a lot of things, but also raised a lot of questions. For all these years I thought that having a crush on someone is finding them pretty, turned out all of my friends felt t h a t, even multiple times
I have felt like I might be demi for the past couple months now, I really relate to a lot of this, stuff thank you so much for helping me just clarify what I thought and realise it’s just me being me
I follow a lot of LGBTQIA+ creators, and I've always assumed that demisexuality was separate from asexuality--and in fact didn't put you under the umbrella at all (e.g. a straight demisexual is just a straight person and not queer). So this was informational! I've suspected I was demisexual for a few years (I'm almost 30), and what made me realize that was that I was so confused the first time I felt attraction/arousal towards someone, at the age of 26--I thought I needed medical help! When I shared it with my friends, they were genuinely surprised that I didn't have crushes (especially celebrity crushes), didn't self-gratify and didn't even recognize what it means to be horny. This checklist almost nearly confirms it though.
Yep, I really never get this "hook-up culture" My best friend has no boundaries when it comes to hooking up, he had sex with many women that has either a boyfriend or a husband, which confuses me a lot since he will tell me. Like is that something even to be proud of?
I often use the “people on the street” analogy to my friends. Where, if they are at a bar or walking on the street and they see someone attractive, that person could be Lana del ray, it could be Chris Hemsworth, it could be Scarlett Johansson, it could be Burnie Sanders. To me they are just a form on the street unless I get to know them. I’ve also felt attracted to friends, but didn’t fully understand and many time I felt bad about it! I was like “oh why am I suddenly thinking so differently about this person? Why am I treating them differently than everyone else? Is this ok? Am I objectifying them?” You knocked me out cold with the friends to lovers trope point 😂 god damn. Uppercut, loose change flying in the night type of hit. Spot on.😂😂
Thsi was very helpful i really identified with most of these. I always thought i was a shy bisexual with little to no experience but these really clicked. Ive been circling this "identify tag" for a while and while i dont know if it fulls fits it feels right and like a part of myself im finally understanding. Tha k you for this video
Your experience seems so similar to mine, I also am not fully sure but am starting to feel like demisexual might explain more than just inexperienced omnisexual. It’s so validating to see someone who a bit like me!!
The fact that the two first signs resonated with me is what really gets me. XD I am very confident about being pan but I felt there was more to it and I am so glad that I am not the only one. ❤
The only thing that gives me strong demisexual vibes about myself is the fact that I can't really feel attracted to random celebrities on magazine covers or people who I've literally just seen walking down the street. It's either my skepticism about them having a good personality to match their supposed 'good looks' (although most of the time it's my friends who point out supposedly attractive folk and I feel slightly alienated by them doing this) or it's pure-bred demisexuality. I've also never experienced hookup culture - I don't think it's really my scene. This fact doesn't necessarily mean that I'm a demisexual, as I am sometimes able to feel attraction to someone within mere days of knowing them - not always, but it's never less than that amount of time, as far as I know.
The section where you talk about tending to have crushes on friends - that is so much me. It makes me feel better that it is a demisexual thing. I just always feel embarrassed about it. It would be much easier to not have crushes on friends. But also, I always felt like that meant I was a bit pathetic and would crush on any guy who was friendly to me because I haven't had many relationships. So it is reassuring to realise that the crush happens specifically because they are someone I know and feel comfortable with.
This sounds like some of the most brilliant advice I've seen on UA-cam for young people. I can only see very good things about being extremely discriminating indeed about the issue of personal interactive intimacies. There is nothing positive whatsoever about hook-up culture, whether for your personal/social development or your self esteem, especially for girls. Everything about this wonderful short video promotes the edifying message: *"I will develop and sustain close nurturing friendships and I will avoid hook-up culture!"* Should be printed on a large banner above the entrance to every high school and college.
Please know that I am laughing tears from my eyes when you mentioned the 4th sign😂absolutely called me out and was the bit of reassurance I needed in learning about myself, thank you
Pretty much all of these apply to me. I get so frustrated with trying to explain how i experience attraction to people. This is a useful ressource - thanks!
I found out I was demi around two years ago! It was so relieving to find that out about myself because it was like my whole life had been explained. I never could relate to other girls when they would talk about having celebrity crushes or thinking a boy or something was cute. I could *tell* when someone was cute, but it was always like a nature documentary. Like, "Ah, yes, this male specimen of the homo sapien has aligned, symmetrical features and a defined muscular structure. He should have no problem finding himself a mate." But when asked if *I* wanted to kiss him or hold his hand or anything??? No, I didn't feel anything. I have 0 primary attraction, I don't think anyone is cute or hot from a personal preference. It's always like me just admiring a statue or work of art or something. This only got worse when I discovered that liking girls was a possibility too when I was a teenager because I didn't feel any sort of way towards girls e i t h e r. For a long time, I thought I might be asexual, but I was hesitant to put that label on myself because it didn't feel like it fit me all that well. Then, finally, I discovered demisexuality and it all suddenly clicked. For me, I like to think of demisexuality as me being asexual 99% of the time until I'm *not.* Then, and o n l y then, is it with someone I've developed a strong enough bond with. I can't imagine myself ever entering a relationship with someone I wasn't friends with first, which uh... might explain why I've never been in a relationship because it takes me so long to develop that connection/get the courage to pursue something more and risk ruining the friendship. So, in short; I don't have any primary attraction and while I can recognize that someone is attractive, it is like a narrator over a nature documentary or a patron admiring a carved statue. I related to all these signs, as my favorite trope ever is friends to lovers as I really *cannot* understand hookup culture XD I don't understand wanting to do anything with someone who you don't even know or are friends with, I can't wrap my head around it. Like, you don't even know their personal hopes and dreams, or even their favorite color, man, why do you want to sleep with them-
You opened my eyes. I always thought l'm just conservative, & don't get hookup culture. I think l am closer to demi. Men feel hypersexualized & gross to me with their fast moves. I can however catch feelings of lust within 2 dates if a guy is patient. But usually to have sex, need like few good dates to feel confident & connected, Maybe 5-7. And am looking for a relationship not a hookup
I got answer to most of the questions I had in mind. I always thought how could anyone sleep with whome ever they want. How do people even kiss their dates. The one and only person I ever wanted to kiss or felt like kissing was my husband. And that was also 9 months after we met. So I am not weird there are people like me.
I love this so much!!! Also…I may have just realized that hookup culture is real thanks to this video. 😆 I’m not demi, but I’m very very aroace, so I’m also very perplexed by people wanting to do it with people they don’t know.
This is me!!! I notice I become more attracted to someone the more sensitive, authentic, and vulnerable they are. I'm just attracted more when I connect emotionally!
My ex didn’t really understand I was Demi sexual and she’s took advantage of me 😕 it sucks sometimes because some people just assume you’re like everyone else and will want be sexual on the first date
My marriage recently fell apart and I'm only now realising I'm demisexual..now my dating joke about my self is welcome to the friend zone! Gotta laugh or I'd cry
Is it hard to know if you’re Demi if you’ve never felt sexual attraction before, like how would you know that that’s something you could potentially feel? Wouldn’t you just assume that you’re ace until you feel that attraction or do you just know that you would feel it if you had an emotional connection to someone? I hope this makes sense lol I think I’m over confusing this XD
For me it was actually just like you said, I indentified as asexual for I think about 2-3 years. Then I met my Partner and after about 2½ month I was just like "what the frick is that feeling now??" 😅
@@phantomkralle Thank you for your reply! I feel like nobody really talks about this in the ace/demi community. Why does sexuality have to be so confusing lol XD
It might be different for others, but for me being Demisexual is being ace until you’re not. I think it’s okay/normal to identify ace until you do develop sexual attraction to someone (and even then, you might still see yourself as ace or grey ace) I always thought I was straight all because I have experienced some romantic attraction (to a friend, what a surprise!) but then I wasn’t sexually attracted to my exboyfriend and we didn’t even kiss until like a month into the relationship. I didn’t realize (or had the tools to know) I was even on the ace spectrum until very recently. Plus, I’ve made a few more discoveries. So, in my case, I’m ace EXCEPT for the particular person I’m attracted to, if I happen to develop sexual attraction to someone. Hence, demisexual. I’m still confused and trying to work out what this means to me or if labeling myself is even worth it (especially being heteroromantic), but I wanted to share my experience to hopefully help you work it out, too!
jeez yes! what does sexual attraction feel like?? its like looking for A Thing everybody talks about but you have no idea what it looks like and nobody tells you, they're all just like 'You'll know it when you see it'. And I look at everything i encounter and ask myself if THAT is it, maybe? Can anybody describe to me the feeling with actual words, please? I'm so confused .-.
For me personally it was hard to figure out that I am Demi. I thought I was just asexual for a while until I got a little older and my friends started talking about sex and them feeling sexual attraction. One day I sat down and asked myself some questions. Dose sex gross me out? Would I be willing to have sex when I am older? Would I have hookups when I am older? With that information, I researched for a while trying to figure out what asexual identity fits me. Sex doesn't completely gross me out. I think I would be willing to have sex later on in life. No, I would not have a hookup when I am older. I kept going back and forth between greysexual and demiseuxal. After a while I kind of just gave up and started telling people I am somewhere on the asexual spectrum, it bothered me to not put a word to what I was feeling but I also couldn't fully describe what I was feeling at the time. Maybe a year later my now best friend and I were talking about our journey with figuring out our sexuality and gender and I told him how I am asexual but I am not sex-repulsed like he is. I told him about how for a while I used the term greysexual and then for a while I used demisexual but then gave up, he didn't really know what those terms were so I explained them to him and he looked it up as well. He told me that he thought demisexual best fit what I was describing and ever since then I have been using that term.
I was following, liking, and listening to this video, but the moment you got to Friends to Lovers…….I pushed up my glasses like an anime character like “So the real discussion begins.” 😎😂
I always felt so guilty and like something was wrong with me, because I just didn't feel a sexual attraction to my boyfriend for almost a full year after we got together. I felt like I was a bad person and that I was leading him on. But my friend said something to me that got me thinking about myself and I started doing research and talking to other people who identify as demi and I now feel like I understand myself a lot better. This video made so much sense and I feel more sure of my sexuality than ever 💛
I remember back in elementary school that people would have crushes on people they never even talked to,it was so weird to me and when I asked them why they liked that person they would point out how "attractive" or "cute" the other person is and I did not see it, I did not feel it,they asked me if I found that person cute and I felt forced to say yes. I felt so left out while growing up because I had little to no crushes on anyone
Honestly, I can relate. I am both demisexual and demiromantic so it always takes me a while to feel romantic and sexual attraction and it takes even longer for me to figure out if I like them as a partner or just as a friend. I had a crush on the same guy from first grade all the way to sixth grade and not once did I feel any sexual attraction to him. I also never understood how people would have a crush one week and then the next it would change and it would just constantly change. I also never understood how people would find someone "Hot" or "Attractive" when they barely knew each other or if they even knew each other at all. Since pretty much everyone knew I had a crush on this guy tons of people would ask me why I think he is cute and what I found hot about him. I would always lie and tell them what I always heard them say is hot about a person so they wouldn't think I was weird for not finding my crush hot and attractive. I still don't really understand how people can just look at someone and say "Damn I would smash them" but I do understand that most people feel that way, I just dont because I am Demi. lol.
All of these are rly true about me I’ve been Demi for a while,on the first day of school,I thought I liked this girl but,turns out when we dated it was for a second but,I didn’t know if I liked her or not and then when we got into the year and now we have been dating for a couple of weeks! Most of my crushes are on my friends 2. And the first one is wayyy too true,just all of these are ❤
Wow, incredible video!! I am 43, mother of a 8 yo, and I'm just starting to think I might be on the spectrum. So, thanks for your video and know that you're not only helping young folks, but also "ladies" like me 🥹🤗
I’m finally starting to understand my sexuality. Sometimes I’d think I was asexual. Because I don’t think about or care about sex like others do. When I’m single I just don’t think about it and feel like I could go without it for the long haul. But once I meet someone that I connect with, I get super turned on and into them.
I'm used to think that I'm gray-pansexual, because everytime someone asked about love stuff I always said that I need to know the person first of all, but even then I won't experience atraction too much. But as much as I dive in this theme it seems that I just misunderstood how is to be a pan. Although, I'm also not sure at all if I'm demisexual, because of my low level of understanding social interactions, for me it's hard to get what is that bound of emotional connection what are all demi speaking about. As a child I was daydreaming a lot and I really lived in my own world, so when I saw a cute human being I immediately started pretending like they're my friend in my world and our relationships grow, when in reality they could even hate me. Also I don't really get one thing, if a demisexual find "that one", it means that for them they'll experience attraction like every day? As if, as the game progresses, the character unlocks a new ability that can be used without a calldown? I really can't sleep because of this topic ((
this really helped i just don't get sexaual stuff and when i think about it all the crushes i wasn't pretending to have to please my gramma were on my friends
I am non-mono yet I'm pretty sure I'm demi too. I need emotional connection to feel physical attraction, and I need base aesthetic attraction to develop physical. However I have, unlike most Demis in comments, no monogamous inclination. I am relationship-anarchous, which means I prefer for relationships to develop by themselves - it is descriptive not prescriptive, so I am not looking to "lock in" any particular type of relationship - and I'm not monogamous, so this narrows down spectrum of partners greatly for me, because most people are 1) monogamous, 2) looking for "the one" relationship, and 3) I am a weird person in general. However, I still need emotional connection. It can just happen very fast, even over one date, to then have sex. Or not. Could take way more, I don't care, though I notice that I look for sexually open and positive people. I love sexuality more than monogamy, but I don't do relationships without connection. I've had my share of relationships and they was always connection, I am friends with my ex partners. I've tried "serious" relationship and mono one time and was unhappy. Male, 28, BTW.
It's true because when my friend Jennifer said that she had a crush in me I freaked out not because she was a girl because I have dated both my male and female ex and left me because I was too difficult. But in 2023 at work she wanted me to kiss her and in my head I'm like "this is so fucking wrong. She's my bestest friend!" So I said yes just so she can shut up about it. Then later on I grossed out and facing my worst fears for what my body has to experience and I said "no Jennifer no. Don't ever do that again" literally. As a child back then when valentine rolled in I would get jealous when someone gave another person a teddy bear and I'm like "I wish my buddy got me one too" but the I heard she was together and I'm like "😲😶☺️" because I'm such a fantasy mind of seeing love as a disney movie. No joke. But when I got my first boyfriend we shared a kiss and well I only learned more because of adult website's that was my fault as a troubled sexualized teen. We would make out and my intimacy would feel from 100 to 0 REAL quick. I'm not gonna go into my trauma because that is too.much to speak of. So now I realized I'm a demi sexual but afraid no one would understand what I'm dealing with.
I’m not bragging but I’m a good looking guy who identifies as Demisexual. I’m 36yrs old and have only had 4 girlfriends, with those relationships going for 2 or more years. I get hit on by girls all the time but I just cannot and have not ever had a one night stand with a stranger. I want too, but I just can’t, and my mates call me gay or make smart comments because I never can go through with it. I had an ex I hadn’t seen in 7 years come back into my life for a night, and I wanted too but I couldn’t get hard. That’s the life of a demisexual.
I'm demi. I hate it. Nobody is like me and nobody wants to invest that much time. I've lost too many friends because of this. They act betrayed after a few months of friendship when I say something.
omg yes! These are so relatable lol The friends to lovers is so true, I remember when I was a teen I was watching one of these generic high school movies (don't even remember what it was) and there was a group of girls having a conversation about who one of the girls should go out with or something like that, they were mentioning several guys but then the girl mentions her friend I don't remember why, and one of the girls go "*gasp* You don't go out with your friends! That's lame!" and I was like "The heck?! Who are you supposed to go out with then?!" That kind of mentality was a shock to me, years later I understand why lol Also before learning what demisexuality was, I used to explain that my relationships with people work exactly like The Sims, at least the first games, where you had to have a considerable level of friendship before unlocking the romantic/sexual interactions. I once read someone say that the relationship progression in the game was unrealistic, and I was so confused because for me it was pretty accurate. There's so many things that make sense in hindsight xD
Thank you for your thoughts and experiences shared, first of all. I relate to basically all 5 points. I've always thought that friends to lovers was the way things just went, but most times I was left emptihanded by someone who didn't have the same capacity for longevity (seeing whether or not they actually like me), as I did (I could wait for literally years and realize that my feelings exist). I have been I think subconsciously trying to convince myself that I can learn how to hook up or being casual with sexy stuff - but the truth is, I just don't feel natural at it. I could learn it - anyone could... flirting, just sexual talk... but my heart and soul don't vibrate in the same way as simply talking and finding out who the person truly is - how is their character? Now if I understand your character - my chances of sexual arousal naturally happening are 10x stronger. It's not even funny. So i honestly take it that, sure I could hook up with strangers, I DO feel sexual attraction to what's their physically. But my natural tendencies are SO in favor of getting to know someone, it's not even funny. That's just wild! I'm 21 and just kinda starting to put these puzzle pieces together :). Also I cannot stand others trying to tell other's how to feel. just shut up and live your life, simple as that. Thank you for your love and energy!
I think I'm either a demisexual or asexual panromantic, and my platonic vs romantic attraction is absolutely EVERYWHERE and hookup culture gives me a headache.
I 100% believe demisexuality is real and valid because I identify that way. And uh, I also think that hookup culture doesn’t have to do with peoples authentic feelings. What I observed in college was that people were doing it out of shame and confusion and lack of communication and/or education about healthy relationships. Hookups themselves I totally believe can happen out of individuals authentic feelings of immediate attraction, and can be a healthy expression of sexuality, because I have tons of friends who have expressed this type of attraction and I trust them. But I think hookup CULTURE is more a result of a lot of people being really confused and ashamed bc we have poor relationship and sex education, and doing things that aren’t always in line with their actual feelings. I say this because of its sort of inherent definition of being in the context of a *group* where people are conforming (thus, a culture), and the lack of proper communication so common in hookup culture. When my individual friends say they want to have sex with someone immediately, I believe them. When I’m on a college campus and 10,000 young adults with lots of feelings and shoddy sex education are in a small area and are making out and or fucking all over every couch in front of people (and intoxicated* is another big signal to me that it’s inauthentic), I am less inclined to believe that they are all acting completely out of authentic feelings and more inclined to believe they’re performing sexuality for acceptance and conformity, while meeting some of their sexual needs in a really unhealthy way (mostly lack of communication about desire because of shame). That’s not how hookups have to go. We need more sex education!!
I hope you all enjoyed this video. Let me know what helped you figure out you were demisexual in the comments below!
Thanks this really helped me realize that im demisexual
I thought i was just ace or aro but realized i do have crushes so i was confused but ican relate to every thing in this video
I do not understand "angry sex" or "makeup sex." I had multiple exes try to explain it to me, and I just didn't get it. Being demi doesn't only apply to who you will be intimate with, but how and when. Like if the vibes are off I'm not into it. Apparently allosexual people can just block that out, or it doesn't play into whether they are attracted or not.
Wtf thats a thing
@@theredhorn It is absolutely a thing. I was shocked about it, as well.
I’m a 46 year old virgin as I’m only attracted to people who share similar sexual values. I don’t understand hookup culture. I see sex as the most meaningful activity me or my partner could participate in. A significant amount of my relational worth comes from sharing sex with only one person who does the sesame for me. I feel people like me mate for life and can’t truly understand any other way or are repulsed by any other way. It’s not some kind of extreme religious view, it’s an attraction to shared values above most all other traits.
There are still days where I question my demisexuality cause I can still be aesthetically attracted to people every so often. But hookup culture is odd to me. I was shocked when I found out people could just have sex without any emotion connection.
yeah it's really odd to me too I've never understood it
@Dan Banny someone thinks they’re the center of the world cause not everyone thinks or feels the same things you do. Some people feel attraction some don’t can’t be helped but saying it’s “delusional brainwash ideology” is ignorance.
I just never understood that
I didn’t even know what sexual attraction was until I was in college. Like I couldn’t even understand the concept.
@@wishingonthemoon1 what!
Another thing related to the timeline -- it's not just about SEX. I really can't do the "dating" thing where you go on a few dates, then start holding hands/kissing, and then a few dates later go further, etc. Like - I have to develop really deep emotional/intellectual intimacy before I can handle ANY physical intimacy, even holding hands or kissing.
I'm exactly the same!
Same oh my god. For the longest time I thought it was something to do with my childhood trauma or that I was defective in some way because physical intimacy was always so repulsive to me. But its hard to realize you're demi because most people won't sit and wait around for you to get to know them first so you never really get the chance to fall in love and to experience those things which is sad
Not my area of expertise but that sounds more like demiromantic. I'm demisexual and I love all the hand holding stuff, though obviously not everyone is the same, the only other demisexual I know personally is the same as me but that doesn't mean extremes don't exist (that's why they call it acespec after all, because it's a spectrum). Hower, what you described, based on my understanding sounds more about romantic attraction and interactions than sexual. Though I'm sure there are others who may understand it better than I do, but, well, it could be you are both demisexual & demiromantic.
@@hawkeyescoffee6399 Could be, but I don't mind any of the non-physical romance things: flowers, poetry, flirting, adoring glances, etc. It's specifically related to touch that may lead to sex eventually. But I will admit that I don't fully understand the romantic vs. sexual distinction in these things, so it's quite possible for me it's both. I could believe that.
Literally
The friends to lovers trope is so true XD I never understood how people could find any other romance trope better, and after I started questioning if I was demi I realized that that was a huge indicator and suddenly everything made sense lmao
I love the friends to lovers trope but I also love the enemies to lovers trope… I don’t know what that says about me
@Doctor_Who I mean I didn't say I realized I was demisexual because of a romance trope, and sexuality isn't the same as romantic love. In fiction a lot of people like the ~sexual tension~ in the enemies to lovers trope whereas I never really understood how it could be there without positive/friendly interactions between the characters. After I realized I was demi I also realized that aspects of my fictional romance preferences line up with my sexuality lol
@@daydream5120keep your friends close but your enemies in bed with you
I love that trope! For me the only other trope that rivals it is, enemies to lovers! They hate each other, then grow to love each other. Some even end up together! It's all good til there's no more conflict between them (when they aren't enemies anymore and don't hate each other). But friends to lovers is also amazing! You see them fall for each other, pinning, slow burn, and the drama! Oh, the drama leading up to their eventual relationship... And eventual marriage! (if that happens)
frrr!!!! i’ve NEVER understood how someone could date someone without being good friends w them first. i’m lowkey abt to cry tears of joy rn bc i js found out what demisexuality is like an hour ago (don’t ask how i didn’t know before) and ive been down this rabbit hole, just stoked at how i do PERFECTLY relate to every sign of demisexuality. ive felt like this for so long but no one else could ever relate. it’s actually so comforting to know that there are a ton of other ppl like this
I think demisexuality is on a spectrum as well. I absolutely don't get hookup culture even though I have tried it before - found it very unsatisfying and potentially detrimental to me as I tend to get emotionally attached to someone quickly in that sort of scenario. I can feel sexual attraction to someone right away but me learning more about them can very much make me either completely lose interest or become very deeply attached. Hookup culture and non-monogamy are very hard for me to personally understand even though I know others are able to engage in those things. For me its always been about forming a deep connection with someone.
Yep, the lose interest one recently happened to me. It sucked but my mind was made up
🤎🤎🤎
As a Demi, Enemies to lovers is a really good trope for me too, because first they're at each others throats, then over time they become frenemies/friends, then even more time and they might feel something more ❤
I hope this is speaking to me because I have been at war with my soul mate for a VERY long time and he has done some things, but I know we are meant to be together. Being demisexual explains why I'm still in love with this guy; he was my first, and I never built that bond I had with him with other people. I did have this really hot guy named Patrick come to me, and I wish we would get together. I wanted to show him I truly was the one, but we didn't do too well because of my attitude at the time due to anxiety. Still, I built an emotional bond with him. Being demisexual makes me feel so lonely because it takes me super long to build up wanting something real with someone. I would drop everything in a heartbeat to be with him if he asked to meet me and would so sleep with him fast.
@@SkinCareLuver I mean same. It's hard for demis to let go because they built that bond, and it's hard to find someone else that can invoke these feelings again. I hope everything works out for you.
@@wolfesona Thank you. I hope so for you too!
I remember being confused why people wanted to date people they didn't already know. I think it was confusing to me because I was under the presupposition that you dated someone to establish a relationship that involves physical intimacy(holding hands, hugging, kissing, *other*). I always thought it was weird to date people to get to know them and to see if you're compatible. I really thought(and think, but only for me, myself, and I). "You should already know someone BEFORE you date them."
Yes! Thank you!! I feel the same way
All through middle school and high school I wouldn't start to fantasize about my crushes until I'd invented a whole backstory about them and become their very best friend in my imagination 😂
I've identified as demi for many years. It's SO rare for me to like someone (romantically or sexually). I've never experienced "crushes". I've only ever experienced sexual attraction to one person and that first happened when I was 30 years old. Late right? Yeah, that's how rare it is. It took many months and years before that sexual attraction developed. And i was confused as f*ck when i first felt it - I was like what the heck is this weird feeling? 😂
I know you only pointed out 5 signs. The tricky part of our demisexual identity is how nuanced it is, and how difficult it is to describe to people. There's many other signs too. The erasure and invalidation of "oh that's just normal" hurts a lot. It hurts because demisexuals (and other aces and aros) experience a lot of hurtful, discriminatory and harmful things in today's hypersexualised society that allosexuals don't experience. We don't "choose" to be this way. It's not a choice. Whereas some people make it seem like we choose to be like this. The challenges experienced with being demisexual are so often overlooked and gone unrecognised. Dating apps. Hook up culture. Societal emphasis on physical attraction. Media's messaging of "sex sells" and the emphasis on physical and sexual over and above emotional bonds/closeness.
Being demisexual also often feels like the reverse of how dating is structured in today's society. Allosexuals generally meet someone, feel attraction immediately, ask them to date in order to get to know them, and over time they perhaps bond and their attraction strengthens. Whereas demisexuals, it's in reverse: we need to build a friendship, strengthen emotional bonds and deep connection over time, and only then after time is it possible that attraction MIGHT (but not necessarily will) develop, and only after that might we consider dating them (i.e. dating them AFTER we already know them, not date in order to get to know them like alloseuxals often do).
Sorry for the long comment 😂
I love the aesthetic you’re going with! Your hair, your outfit, your background, even the computer! Very on point
Awwww thank you so much I was really trying with this one😅
I’m 45 years old and only learned of demi a couple years ago while searching for LGBTQIA+ terms for my own understanding. I wasn’t looking to learn something about myself but then I read about Demisexual and demiromantic and it was like someone finally explained why I was so different than my peers and so many assumptions were made. I thought I was broken. I mean, I am, but not because of this. Humanity is evolving. I’m glad I’m in one of the genetic lines that experiences physical attraction through emotional connection.
Heyyy! Your comment is 1 year old, so you might not see this, I just want to say how glad I am for you! ❤
I found out that I'm demisexual when I was almost 30 and, just like you, I had thought I was broken until then. Finding out that there's a term for it and that other people experience the same can be so freeing.
It's now a two year old comment, but just chiming in here now to say, as someone in their mid-50s, I did about the same as you. This part of the spectrum helps to explain a whole lot about my past adult relationships and my current place on that spectrum. I'd never thought of it before. But.... Knowledge is power, folks. Always. keep. learnin'.
Hey! I am in my 20s and I have struggled with this all my life and I am so happy there are other people who understand.
I can't believe I wasn't already subbed to your channel!
I definitely feel the "crushing on your friends" problem, but... sort of in a weird way? As in I have often thoughts I have romantic feelings for someone, only to have it turn out that I just really adore them platonically. In the past, it's taken me a while to differentiate between platonic and romantic love, because I don't really know the nature of my feelings until the sexual attraction kicks in down the line, if it does at all.
I've considered myself demi for about 5 years now. I always thought that it was normal to crush on friends, but my dating experience was practically non existent. I remember having massive crushes on my guy best friends at different times in middle school, but it wasn't until high school when I actually started dating and realized that I wasn't feeling the same thing as my peers. My boyfriend waited 2 years for me to be ready to have sex and he never pushed me or pressured me, in fact our first time we had to stop because I wasn't comfortable and it hurt, probably due to me being paranoid about what I needed to do and taking my mind out of it. He didn't sulk or make a big deal out of it, he just visited me while we watched tv;and then we just tried (successfully) the next day. I married that bf, and let me say, coming out to him was HARD. Nothing was different, I just had a new name for myself. He still doesn't quite understand the asexual/demisexual etc crowd, and I know he's still wrapping his head around it.....but that's why I appreciate other people making videos like these, to help explain it better. I've always thought that I was just... built wrong or I don't think about the right things and I should just get over myself for caring too much about little stuff, but I can't. It's just how I'm wired, and I guess people don't really have to understand it fully.. They just have to accept it :)
I find that I'm can feel immense sexual attraction to someone but I identify with the demisexual identify in regards to the fact that yes, I do feel sexual attraction to individuals I find attractive however realistically speaking I can't see myself sleeping with them or going through with any act like hookup does until I've developed a connection with them + I personally prioritize mental stimulation far more than I do physically stimulation as a gay man but I wonder if that's just my specific preference within My queerness rather than me being demi. But for some reason I still personally identify with demisexual even if it is fully by the book of the full spectrum of the identity
I'm the exact same! Seeing someone else being "unconventionally" demi honestly feels so validating, as I've been confused for a while about whether I fit into that label at all, but it's lovely to see I'm not the only one who feels this way.
I think you can be a sexual person and still have the qualities that make "demi" a distinct relationship style or "sexuality".
omg yessss same!!! I was watching this video and was like hmm maybe I’m not fully demi according to these traits… but you explained my thoughts perfectly, I’m the exact same way
From my perspective I think this would by definition mean that you're not demisexual. Maybe graysexual? Or perhaps it truly is a decision you make.
I say this because the thing about being demisexual is that I'm not capable of getting sexual attraction without an intense bond. Sometimes it sucks because I'd like to feel that attraction earlier on just to know if it's worth pursuing a relationship even if I do want to wait.
If someone felt attraction to all genders, but only chose to have sex with one gender would you say that that person was gay? Straight? Pansexual?
Most of these terms are designed to communicate how people experience attraction and love - not what they decide to do with it.
I think it's perfectly fine to say that you like to take things slow if that's your preference, but I feel it would benefit the ace community if people didn't use this term if they are only applying it to their preferences on when to act on sexual attraction.
omg same!! you worded that perfectly. I thought I didn't fit in the Demi sexual criteria as well since I feel sexual attraction but prioritize mental attraction.
Even though I know I’m demisexual already, I still watched this video.
The personal experiences and thoughts you mentioned were SO RELATABLE!
Same, lol.
I agree whole heartily!
I think I am demi-sexual is cause even though I feel attraction to strangers sometimes, I still can't act on my sexual desires till I get to know them, I just totally clam up even though I do like them I just can't till I know them a little.
Do you know if it is sexual attraction you feel to strangers? Could it be aesthetic attraction or romantic attraction? That might be why you wouldn't/couldn't act on them?
I am straight, but never had sexual attraction to any men before. I don't understand hook ups nor I think it's a good idea. If you are looking for the right person, then make sure you know yourself first, have standards, and get to know the other person.
This is a beautiful comment!😊👍
@@keyboarddancers7751 Thank you
although i still feel like i’m still figuring out what my identity is, this really helped!
I’m so happy it helped!
Same I am going towards demi straight though
@@closettoast9360 same
Thank you for the video! I’m nearly 33 and just in recent months have started to think I may be demi. I’m grateful for people talking about it b/c I only started wondering when I read about someone else’s experience about confusing friendship with romantic feelings. And then I started polling all my friends about how they experience sexual attraction 🤣 It has not affected my life too much, but it’s helping me understand myself a bit more
I happy to help! And yeah listening to other people and how they experience sexual attraction it always confuses me cause I’m like but you don’t know them how are you attracted to them lol
My new boyfriend just came out to me as demi, so I'm looking for info & your video is very well done ! Thank you !
I love the hookup culture argument. It makes perfect sense to me! Also, I think we should always keep in mind the difference between physical attraction and aesthetic attraction. I've had crushes on some people without having any emotional bond with them. I would kiss them, but not have sex with them. Then, when I met someone with whom I had a very strong emotional connection, the sexual desire appeared. It was about the same time when I heard about demissexuality. I loved how everything clicked for me.
Yes that. I see there's variations in my own deminess...I do have crushes all the time, I want to have sex but when I try to force myself I just don't feel anything, just nothing at all, numb everywhere if you know what I mean. Not very satisfying for either of us. I've stopped trying, hoping for dates...
I am a lesbian-demisexual, I realized after having a really good conversation with my friends then I start having feelings for them and I’m like damn. Hook up culture I don’t understand it at all like just why especially with strangers like just why? But also demisexuals can be straight, bi, homosexual and all that.
THANK YOU
I just learned what it meant today I realized the description fits me perfectly you have let me discover a new part of me I’ve never realized 😭
I'm happy you're able to find a word to fit what you're feeling
WHEN YOU SAID THE FRIENDS TO LOVERS THING MY JAW DROPPRED omg... omg I have been thinking if I'm demi a lot and I think this is my signal... wow, thank you.
(btw, no, that isn't the only thing that makes me believe this, I've been doing quite a lot of research)
Thank you! This video actually helped me a lot because it made clear that I really am NOT demi, because not a single sign ringed a bell. I'm definitely on ace spec though.
I’m happy it helped!
This helped me A LOT!! I’m in that exact situation mentioned in the beginning of the video, I’m feeling confused and alone and wanna figure out what exactly I am! Thank you for this video, things are starting to make a lot of sense to me 😆
Not understanding "hook up culture" AT ALL is one of the first clues to how I figured out I am on the ace spectrum...
I don’t think I am demisexual because I have had hookups and I do feel initial attraction towards people but emotional connection is weighted super heavily for me. I’ve always been very open-minded when it comes to looks and the emotional connection can absolutely make or break my attraction to them. I also very much love the friends to lovers trope and I’ve had crushes on my friends but my attraction is amplified by that emotional connection. Granted, that could just be normal but I can’t see into the heads of other people lol. I find myself a lot more attracted to people I have a strong bond even if I may not feel much initial attraction towards them. On the flip side, a person can be strikingly beautiful but I won’t be attracted to them at all if I don’t like them as a person.
I’m still very new to studying demisexuality and I very much appreciate this video! I apologize if there are significant gaps in my understanding. I’m trying to remedy that as we write
From what you have described in your comment, it feels like you are allosexual. And everything else sounds pretty standard to me. It is pretty common to feel that way.
I am similar and I'm pretty sure it's demi anyway. I need emotional connection to feel physical attraction, and I need base aesthetic attraction to develop physical. However I have, unlike most Demis in comments, no monogamous inclination. I am relationship-anarchous, which means I prefer for relationships to develop by themselves - it is descriptive not prescriptive, so I am not looking to "lock in" any particular type of relationship - and I'm not monogamous.
However, I still need emotional connection. It can just happen very fast, even over one date, to then have sex. Or not. Could take way more, I don't care, though I notice that I look for sexually open and positive people. I love sexuality more than monogamy, but I don't do relationships without connection.
This literally was so comforting and wholesome and reassuring to watch. Thank you
Thank you so much for your video, it really helped a lot. Especially telling apart platonic and romantic attraction is so hard for me. I feel like getting to know people (in a dating kind of way) is so confusing at times. Atm I‘m seeing a girl I met on tinder with the intention to find out whether or not there could be any kind of romantic relationship there. It was all great and stuff after our initial dates, at some point we also cuddled and I thought I might like to kiss her at some point as well. Well, fast forward to our first kiss a few dates after (all good in the situation itself) and a day after it happened my mind is all over the place. It kind of feels like my initial ˋcrush‘ feelings have suddenly disappeared and I don’t have any idea how to handle this situation. I‘m unsure whether or not time and a potentially closer emotional bond may lead to me feeling any kind of attraction. 🥺
Nice video and thank you for expressing some of your experiences. I still don't quite know where I fall (I'm inclined to say Gray-Asexual). I definitely find myself physically attracted to others, but don't have a desire to automatically pursue something sexual just because I am sexually attracted to them. I agree with a lot of the things you said. I don't get the appeal of hook up culture, I've definitely caught feelings for friends, friends to lovers is my ideal scenario, etc. I often feel burdened by my sexual "urges" and libido. As I'm still figuring myself out , it's nice to hear other's experiences and realize that it's a spectrum and that we're all different. I'll continue to try to figure myself and more and more. Thank you again and keep it up!
The Friends to Lovers trope really resonated with me, to the point where i had (admittedly still have) trouble understanding any other way for romance to occur. Even after decades, the Enemies to Lovers trope absolutely baffles me!
Your points were well expressed and understood. But it was your honest heart in this video that helped me. Your true confusion with relationships today matched my own so much. Your shared personal experience, struck a true cord. Sadly i am 33 and only now realizing so much. I let alot of my bafflement and confusion turn to resentment and solitude and
I am working on that now. Its warm souls like you that are helping.
Thank you for sharing. The world needs more of this understanding and self-less compassion.
I was confused for the longest time, I knew I must have belonged on the asexual spectrum but didn't know why I still grew those sort of intimate feelings towards friends I crushed on. Eventually learned about demisexuality and that felt more right, but I still didn't quite fully understand it until this video. Thanks Lynn, you just made things so much clearer to me.
Thank you so much for this video! I've been wondering for the past few days if I might be ace, honestly because of Hazbin Hotel and people commenting on Facebook about Alastor being ace. A few people have described it and sometimes I was like: Kay, that sounds like me.
So I talked to my friend, who started out as a friend and is also an ex but we're still good friends, who is more savvy about the community than I am and she suggested your channel.
I was watching a few videos and saw this one, and I was honestly like mentally checking off all the boxes. Like I've had celebraty crushes on both genders sort of, but the idea of having sex with either never came to the forefront. Like I would love to hang with them, but I don't want to have sex with them. I'd honestly be happy with a genuine hug. I was questioning my sexuality and my therapist actually suggested I watch an adult site, and it took two seconds of seeing a naked man to figure out I definitely wasn't into men at all. Then I watched a video of two girls and was like: I can see this.
But honestly, I have a question: Am I the only one who wants to have sex purely on a "scientific" level? Like I've never had it and I'm just curious what it's like. I don't think about anyone in particular when I fantasize and am usually not myself. But I do fantasize sometimes. It's just not your normal fantasies because of my particular kink. So I guess I'm just curious if I'm the only one who wants to have sex only to satisfy my curiosity, but I'm fine with waiting for marriage.
I hope my rambling made some sort of sense. I'm just glad to hear that I'm not the only one.
Yup, definitely with you on the friends to lovers thing. Or enemies to friends to lovers. Go through ALL the developmental stages together 😂
I really love your ace spec content so much. Would love some grey ace stuff in future, but either way, thanks so much for these. ❤️
Demisexual Bisexual, I originally developed crushes on boys and girls growing up and there was so much stigma that said that s** was the end all, but I never quite saw it that way.
I only ever felt immense romantic attraction to crushes, and it wasn’t until I was with someone for a while that those other feelings started to develop.
Then I learned about Demisexuality and it all made sense 😂 thank you
I mean I already know 110% but this is a great video :D I feel like demisexuality can be an uncomfortable topic to talk about sometimes
Also your new hairstyle and workspace looks awesome!
I love talking about being demi😅 and thank you so much I love my new hair a lot
Your words clicked with me, thank you. When you mentioned the friends to lovers trope, I had to stop the video and laugh a little as the realization hit me why I might adore the trope so much.
Awesome video, appreciate you doing this. I appreciate the insight the video provided. ❤ I definitely would have loved to hear about this a lot earlier in life. Im glad this kind of information is able to be found and discussed more openly.
These are one of my favorite types of videos you do ( ꈍᴗꈍ) , also I heavily relate to the friends to lovers trope, it feels very sweet!
It’s one of my favorites to make too! I’m hoping to do as many sexualities and genders as possible☺️
TGABK YOU IM GONNA CRY I CANT EVEN TELL YOU HOW MUCH IF AN OUTSIDER I FELT THINKING I WAS THE ONLY ONE BUT I WAS LITERALLY GONNA SCREAM AFTER EVERYTHING U SAID BC I RELATE TO IT SO SO DO MUCHHH OMG THANK U 😭😭😭
I've been like this all of my life and now I have a word for it. Demisexuality can be a curse though. We are prone to fixation and feel the people we are attracted to are utterly unique, irreplaceable and uniquely attractive in some ways when they may be quite ordinary in reality. Demi's get locked in to crushes and unrequited attractions that can last for years to the detriment of a fulfilling much less complex reciprocal sex life!
"Hook up culture" exists because people like that are bad at relationships... not because they are particularly good at sex.
Whereas sensuality is the most neglected aspect of either.
I have videos on the topic: Explaining ethical-sexuality and contextual-sensuality.
Which I think falls under flux, but like: Love, then sensuality and then sex.
That's my preference.
But the culmination of emotional & psychological connections and caressing combine into the most important aspects, that is what makes sense to me. To feel like oneself but shared with another.
I would rather go without if I can't have that. And hopefully anything I have said gives people more room to defend or communicate what applies to themselves and their own personal boundaries.
i was talking to my friend the other day (a recently made friend), and we were talking about LGBTQ+
i mentioned that i only fall for people i feel a connection to, more likely to happen when i get to know them well.
she turned to me with a smile, gasped and said, you're demisexual! i smiled back. we are both demisexual, she's lesbian and i'm straight.
and i also got my first crush! i thought i'd never experience a crush. I've known him my entire life.
so this is what a crush feels like... more intense than i thought.
it's an interesting experience.
honestly for a while i thought i might be Asexual. had this crush for 2 years.
(lost contact for many years. regained contact about 3 years ago. when the crush developed i tried to keep my distance a bit, but all that did was create anxiety around him. started hanging out with him more to get more comfortable, now it's morphed into more of an excited feeling).
I'm not the best when it comes to hiding it. i kinda slipped up in my body language a few times.
actually... "kinda" is an understatement. my awkwardness and stupid flustered face 😅
what you said about hookup culture is so true. i honestly used to think that hookup culture just meant making out, so i thought "eh, ok, i guess that's still doable", but then when i found out that it was beyond that, i was so confused and concerned even. i remember watching a TV show where the main character initiated sex with a random dude she talked to for literally 5 minutes in the bar, and i really could not understand how they could just do it.
also, yes, my favourite trope is friends to lovers, but may i also suggest another chef's kiss trope: fake dating haha
totally agree with you, personally my favourite trope is enemies to lovers but It has to be slow burn otherwise I want nothing to do with it, I’ve always adored slow burn romances in general regardless of the trope
No but I was questioning until you got to the hookup culture part. LITERALLY MY WHOLE LIFE, I keep asking people who I am friends with why exactly they take part in hookup culture. There’s no emotional connection, you don’t know them, nothing!!! I don’t understand it at all, and all of high school (I’m in my last year of high school now) I have been confused about it and wondering why I feel weirded out and confused and kind of grossed out by the idea of just having sex or even kissing someone you don’t have a strong bond with, and have that emotional connection and you know they’re your “person”. Like I’ve had two experiences where I’ve been kissed by guys, first without my permission and on the FIRST BLOODY HANGOUT, all I wanted was to watch a play and have coffee and learn about each other 😭😭, and the second time was just a friend and I thought maybe I was attracted to him because I didn’t know the difference, or that maybe it would develop with time (news flash: I wasn’t sexually attracted to him and it didn’t develop with time, there wasn’t any true emotional connection) and so with both guys after the kiss I felt like throwing up and running away as far as I could, I felt disgusted and horrified and freaked out, I barely knew them. And continuously throughout high school, more of my friends start going to clubs, kissing people for fun, getting drunk to do stupid stuff, etc, and I keep wondering why those things just never appeal to me. Maybe I am a late bloomer? But I’m nearly 18. The internet says the average age when teens have first had sex is 17, and majority from developing “rebellious tendencies” and that it is a part of puberty and brain chemicals and stuff. I’m nearly 18 and the idea of doing any of that intimate stuff with people you barely know just freaks and grosses me out. I just don’t understand it. Like why??? My friends say it’s “fun” and idk “relieves stress” and stuff but like wtf what?? How?? Idk I just don’t get itttt 😭😭😭 But demisexuality literally explains all of that SO well, and I’m so glad I know now, I felt broken but now I know there’s a reason and I feel part of a community. I’m not alone! ☺️
Being 61 yo being demi likely saved me from AIDS, STDs & in more recent years...dates. no on seems to date anymore... oh well ill just date myself. Good luck demi ppl, your not alone!
I am new to Asexuality but have identified as Demisexual for 2 years. My experience with dating and hookup culture hasn't been good. I relate to what your saying about having "crushes on your friends" one of my crushes was on my high school best friend who stopped talking to me after 1 time of "hanging out by ourselves" I was devastated and didn't understand what I did wrong. We never talked about dating or being more than friends but I definitely had a crush on him that was obvious to everyone. My mom said "he doesn't feel the same way and thats ok." He basically avoided me the rest of the school year before he graduated and joined the navy. I haven't heard from him since 2009.
After that my other crush was partially my own fault since I "waited for someone" who had no idea that I wanted to be with him. I won't go into too much detail about what happened on the internet but when I did finally see this "family friend" again it didn't go according to my plan...We didn't talk about my feelings towards him and it was a very rushed situation as he was only in town for a day. (he was from out of state and moving to seattle to join the navy) basically we went bowling together with my female best friend from high school who was the only one who knew how I felt about him. My crush on him and desire to have the "childhood best friends to lovers" relationship outshined all of my common sense that day. But honestly I couldn't have predicted what happened that day if I tried. - I wish the internet was a safe place to go over the details of what happened that day BUT its rather embarrassing on my end that I've let one day ruin 2 friendships...but I digress (However? Can a persons bad hookup experience lead them to being Asexual?) (this story is so hard to explain without explaining what actually happened and I apologize)
I have always been awkward about sex. I grew up believing that sex was for marriage and I always wanted to at least wait until I found the right person. But after the events of the second example (again poorly explained) I lost all confidence in myself and thought I was broken and undesirable because of my 2 (very hard hitting for me rejections). I did however experience my first relationship shortly after this experience BUT I had literally no confidence and that six month relationship was very high emotions in a short 6 month period. When he broke up with me I was devastated. I felt so broken. But at the time I was obsessed with fitting into societies mold of "going to college and getting a degree." My college experience was horrible I found the hookup culture to be absolutely disgusting "friends hooking up with friends". There were other factors that made my experience miserable that I won't go into but the hookup culture and the expectation to have sex was too much for me and I thought that again I was broken for not wanting any part of it. But I wanted a "love story" so I thought that I was the problem in this equation.
Since college which was about 8 years ago at this point I haven't exactly put myself out there dating wise. I live at home and read a-lot of books. I don't exactly put myself out there to meet new people. I've been single for so long at this point I have no desire to be in a romantic relationship. Its not totally off the table but these days I don't find myself even connecting with anyone romantically or being attracted to them. It's almost like I flipped a switch and turned that side of me off. Am I actually Asexaul or is it a choice?
Sorry to post my whole life story I just don't know who to talk to about this stuff. I have a couple of friends who know my situation but they don't always know what to say or what direction to point me towards...
thanks for this because i had no idea if what i was feeling at all was normal. The only crushes I had were my closest friends and kissing someone for the first time who i had no past-relationship (platonically) felt like kissing a brick wall. I guess all-in-all this really helped with easing my mind.
I experienced my first sexual attraction when I was 16 or even 17. That was a genuine shock to me and explained a lot of things, but also raised a lot of questions. For all these years I thought that having a crush on someone is finding them pretty, turned out all of my friends felt t h a t, even multiple times
I have felt like I might be demi for the past couple months now, I really relate to a lot of this, stuff thank you so much for helping me just clarify what I thought and realise it’s just me being me
I follow a lot of LGBTQIA+ creators, and I've always assumed that demisexuality was separate from asexuality--and in fact didn't put you under the umbrella at all (e.g. a straight demisexual is just a straight person and not queer). So this was informational! I've suspected I was demisexual for a few years (I'm almost 30), and what made me realize that was that I was so confused the first time I felt attraction/arousal towards someone, at the age of 26--I thought I needed medical help! When I shared it with my friends, they were genuinely surprised that I didn't have crushes (especially celebrity crushes), didn't self-gratify and didn't even recognize what it means to be horny. This checklist almost nearly confirms it though.
Yup hookup culture is weird AF to me(eww)/us(s), too?
RIGHT!! I’ll never understand it
I partook of it for a streak in 2014. It felt dirty and unnatural to me the next morning, gave me a hangover-of-the-heart so to say.
Yep, I really never get this "hook-up culture" My best friend has no boundaries when it comes to hooking up, he had sex with many women that has either a boyfriend or a husband, which confuses me a lot since he will tell me. Like is that something even to be proud of?
I often use the “people on the street” analogy to my friends. Where, if they are at a bar or walking on the street and they see someone attractive, that person could be Lana del ray, it could be Chris Hemsworth, it could be Scarlett Johansson, it could be Burnie Sanders.
To me they are just a form on the street unless I get to know them.
I’ve also felt attracted to friends, but didn’t fully understand and many time I felt bad about it! I was like “oh why am I suddenly thinking so differently about this person? Why am I treating them differently than everyone else? Is this ok? Am I objectifying them?”
You knocked me out cold with the friends to lovers trope point 😂 god damn.
Uppercut, loose change flying in the night type of hit. Spot on.😂😂
Thsi was very helpful i really identified with most of these. I always thought i was a shy bisexual with little to no experience but these really clicked. Ive been circling this "identify tag" for a while and while i dont know if it fulls fits it feels right and like a part of myself im finally understanding. Tha k you for this video
Your experience seems so similar to mine, I also am not fully sure but am starting to feel like demisexual might explain more than just inexperienced omnisexual. It’s so validating to see someone who a bit like me!!
Thank you so muuchh fr I was so confused and really needed this approval that I'm not just making that up and I just felt lost but thank you so much.
The fact that the two first signs resonated with me is what really gets me. XD I am very confident about being pan but I felt there was more to it and I am so glad that I am not the only one. ❤
The only thing that gives me strong demisexual vibes about myself is the fact that I can't really feel attracted to random celebrities on magazine covers or people who I've literally just seen walking down the street. It's either my skepticism about them having a good personality to match their supposed 'good looks' (although most of the time it's my friends who point out supposedly attractive folk and I feel slightly alienated by them doing this) or it's pure-bred demisexuality. I've also never experienced hookup culture - I don't think it's really my scene. This fact doesn't necessarily mean that I'm a demisexual, as I am sometimes able to feel attraction to someone within mere days of knowing them - not always, but it's never less than that amount of time, as far as I know.
The section where you talk about tending to have crushes on friends - that is so much me. It makes me feel better that it is a demisexual thing. I just always feel embarrassed about it. It would be much easier to not have crushes on friends. But also, I always felt like that meant I was a bit pathetic and would crush on any guy who was friendly to me because I haven't had many relationships. So it is reassuring to realise that the crush happens specifically because they are someone I know and feel comfortable with.
This sounds like some of the most brilliant advice I've seen on UA-cam for young people. I can only see very good things about being extremely discriminating indeed about the issue of personal interactive intimacies. There is nothing positive whatsoever about hook-up culture, whether for your personal/social development or your self esteem, especially for girls. Everything about this wonderful short video promotes the edifying message: *"I will develop and sustain close nurturing friendships and I will avoid hook-up culture!"* Should be printed on a large banner above the entrance to every high school and college.
Thanks, very clear information for what I needed to know. And I noticed that each of them is what I have experienced myself :) .
Please know that I am laughing tears from my eyes when you mentioned the 4th sign😂absolutely called me out and was the bit of reassurance I needed in learning about myself, thank you
Pretty much all of these apply to me. I get so frustrated with trying to explain how i experience attraction to people. This is a useful ressource - thanks!
THEY ALL APPLY TO ME! thank you so much this helped me understand myself better and helps me out a lot thank you
I found out I was demi around two years ago! It was so relieving to find that out about myself because it was like my whole life had been explained. I never could relate to other girls when they would talk about having celebrity crushes or thinking a boy or something was cute. I could *tell* when someone was cute, but it was always like a nature documentary. Like, "Ah, yes, this male specimen of the homo sapien has aligned, symmetrical features and a defined muscular structure. He should have no problem finding himself a mate." But when asked if *I* wanted to kiss him or hold his hand or anything??? No, I didn't feel anything. I have 0 primary attraction, I don't think anyone is cute or hot from a personal preference. It's always like me just admiring a statue or work of art or something.
This only got worse when I discovered that liking girls was a possibility too when I was a teenager because I didn't feel any sort of way towards girls e i t h e r. For a long time, I thought I might be asexual, but I was hesitant to put that label on myself because it didn't feel like it fit me all that well. Then, finally, I discovered demisexuality and it all suddenly clicked.
For me, I like to think of demisexuality as me being asexual 99% of the time until I'm *not.* Then, and o n l y then, is it with someone I've developed a strong enough bond with. I can't imagine myself ever entering a relationship with someone I wasn't friends with first, which uh... might explain why I've never been in a relationship because it takes me so long to develop that connection/get the courage to pursue something more and risk ruining the friendship.
So, in short; I don't have any primary attraction and while I can recognize that someone is attractive, it is like a narrator over a nature documentary or a patron admiring a carved statue. I related to all these signs, as my favorite trope ever is friends to lovers as I really *cannot* understand hookup culture XD I don't understand wanting to do anything with someone who you don't even know or are friends with, I can't wrap my head around it. Like, you don't even know their personal hopes and dreams, or even their favorite color, man, why do you want to sleep with them-
You opened my eyes. I always thought l'm just conservative, & don't get hookup culture. I think l am closer to demi. Men feel hypersexualized & gross to me with their fast moves. I can however catch feelings of lust within 2 dates if a guy is patient. But usually to have sex, need like few good dates to feel confident & connected, Maybe 5-7. And am looking for a relationship not a hookup
@@worldmonk1320 Northern CA
@@worldmonk1320 oh well...
@@worldmonk1320 l am not here to make a connection. With someone on the other side of the world. Please stop
Thanks for the space, information and validity
I got answer to most of the questions I had in mind.
I always thought how could anyone sleep with whome ever they want.
How do people even kiss their dates.
The one and only person I ever wanted to kiss or felt like kissing was my husband. And that was also 9 months after we met.
So I am not weird there are people like me.
I love this so much!!! Also…I may have just realized that hookup culture is real thanks to this video. 😆 I’m not demi, but I’m very very aroace, so I’m also very perplexed by people wanting to do it with people they don’t know.
It honestly took me having a friend who’s in an open relationship to understand hook up culture and it actually being a thing lol
This is me!!! I notice I become more attracted to someone the more sensitive, authentic, and vulnerable they are. I'm just attracted more when I connect emotionally!
My ex didn’t really understand I was Demi sexual and she’s took advantage of me 😕 it sucks sometimes because some people just assume you’re like everyone else and will want be sexual on the first date
My marriage recently fell apart and I'm only now realising I'm demisexual..now my dating joke about my self is welcome to the friend zone! Gotta laugh or I'd cry
Is it hard to know if you’re Demi if you’ve never felt sexual attraction before, like how would you know that that’s something you could potentially feel? Wouldn’t you just assume that you’re ace until you feel that attraction or do you just know that you would feel it if you had an emotional connection to someone? I hope this makes sense lol I think I’m over confusing this XD
For me it was actually just like you said, I indentified as asexual for I think about 2-3 years. Then I met my Partner and after about 2½ month I was just like "what the frick is that feeling now??" 😅
@@phantomkralle Thank you for your reply! I feel like nobody really talks about this in the ace/demi community. Why does sexuality have to be so confusing lol XD
It might be different for others, but for me being Demisexual is being ace until you’re not. I think it’s okay/normal to identify ace until you do develop sexual attraction to someone (and even then, you might still see yourself as ace or grey ace)
I always thought I was straight all because I have experienced some romantic attraction (to a friend, what a surprise!) but then I wasn’t sexually attracted to my exboyfriend and we didn’t even kiss until like a month into the relationship. I didn’t realize (or had the tools to know) I was even on the ace spectrum until very recently. Plus, I’ve made a few more discoveries. So, in my case, I’m ace EXCEPT for the particular person I’m attracted to, if I happen to develop sexual attraction to someone. Hence, demisexual.
I’m still confused and trying to work out what this means to me or if labeling myself is even worth it (especially being heteroromantic), but I wanted to share my experience to hopefully help you work it out, too!
jeez yes! what does sexual attraction feel like?? its like looking for A Thing everybody talks about but you have no idea what it looks like and nobody tells you, they're all just like 'You'll know it when you see it'. And I look at everything i encounter and ask myself if THAT is it, maybe? Can anybody describe to me the feeling with actual words, please? I'm so confused .-.
For me personally it was hard to figure out that I am Demi. I thought I was just asexual for a while until I got a little older and my friends started talking about sex and them feeling sexual attraction. One day I sat down and asked myself some questions. Dose sex gross me out? Would I be willing to have sex when I am older? Would I have hookups when I am older? With that information, I researched for a while trying to figure out what asexual identity fits me. Sex doesn't completely gross me out. I think I would be willing to have sex later on in life. No, I would not have a hookup when I am older. I kept going back and forth between greysexual and demiseuxal. After a while I kind of just gave up and started telling people I am somewhere on the asexual spectrum, it bothered me to not put a word to what I was feeling but I also couldn't fully describe what I was feeling at the time. Maybe a year later my now best friend and I were talking about our journey with figuring out our sexuality and gender and I told him how I am asexual but I am not sex-repulsed like he is. I told him about how for a while I used the term greysexual and then for a while I used demisexual but then gave up, he didn't really know what those terms were so I explained them to him and he looked it up as well. He told me that he thought demisexual best fit what I was describing and ever since then I have been using that term.
I was following, liking, and listening to this video, but the moment you got to Friends to Lovers…….I pushed up my glasses like an anime character like “So the real discussion begins.” 😎😂
This really helped me thank you!!! I’ve been questioning my sexually for a while how but this has helped me
“ I thought everyone was making it up!” YES about hookup culture 😂
Thankyou so much. this helps me out a ton.
I always felt so guilty and like something was wrong with me, because I just didn't feel a sexual attraction to my boyfriend for almost a full year after we got together. I felt like I was a bad person and that I was leading him on.
But my friend said something to me that got me thinking about myself and I started doing research and talking to other people who identify as demi and I now feel like I understand myself a lot better. This video made so much sense and I feel more sure of my sexuality than ever 💛
I remember back in elementary school that people would have crushes on people they never even talked to,it was so weird to me and when I asked them why they liked that person they would point out how "attractive" or "cute" the other person is and I did not see it, I did not feel it,they asked me if I found that person cute and I felt forced to say yes.
I felt so left out while growing up because I had little to no crushes on anyone
Honestly, I can relate. I am both demisexual and demiromantic so it always takes me a while to feel romantic and sexual attraction and it takes even longer for me to figure out if I like them as a partner or just as a friend. I had a crush on the same guy from first grade all the way to sixth grade and not once did I feel any sexual attraction to him. I also never understood how people would have a crush one week and then the next it would change and it would just constantly change. I also never understood how people would find someone "Hot" or "Attractive" when they barely knew each other or if they even knew each other at all. Since pretty much everyone knew I had a crush on this guy tons of people would ask me why I think he is cute and what I found hot about him. I would always lie and tell them what I always heard them say is hot about a person so they wouldn't think I was weird for not finding my crush hot and attractive. I still don't really understand how people can just look at someone and say "Damn I would smash them" but I do understand that most people feel that way, I just dont because I am Demi. lol.
All of these are rly true about me I’ve been Demi for a while,on the first day of school,I thought I liked this girl but,turns out when we dated it was for a second but,I didn’t know if I liked her or not and then when we got into the year and now we have been dating for a couple of weeks! Most of my crushes are on my friends 2. And the first one is wayyy too true,just all of these are ❤
Wow, incredible video!! I am 43, mother of a 8 yo, and I'm just starting to think I might be on the spectrum.
So, thanks for your video and know that you're not only helping young folks, but also "ladies" like me 🥹🤗
I’m finally starting to understand my sexuality. Sometimes I’d think I was asexual. Because I don’t think about or care about sex like others do. When I’m single I just don’t think about it and feel like I could go without it for the long haul. But once I meet someone that I connect with, I get super turned on and into them.
I'm used to think that I'm gray-pansexual, because everytime someone asked about love stuff I always said that I need to know the person first of all, but even then I won't experience atraction too much. But as much as I dive in this theme it seems that I just misunderstood how is to be a pan. Although, I'm also not sure at all if I'm demisexual, because of my low level of understanding social interactions, for me it's hard to get what is that bound of emotional connection what are all demi speaking about. As a child I was daydreaming a lot and I really lived in my own world, so when I saw a cute human being I immediately started pretending like they're my friend in my world and our relationships grow, when in reality they could even hate me.
Also I don't really get one thing, if a demisexual find "that one", it means that for them they'll experience attraction like every day? As if, as the game progresses, the character unlocks a new ability that can be used without a calldown?
I really can't sleep because of this topic ((
*happy demisexual noises*
All the happy demisexual noises☺️
this really helped i just don't get sexaual stuff and when i think about it all the crushes i wasn't pretending to have to please my gramma were on my friends
I'm so here for the new aesthetics!!
awwww thank you so much! I really appreciate it.
I am non-mono yet I'm pretty sure I'm demi too. I need emotional connection to feel physical attraction, and I need base aesthetic attraction to develop physical. However I have, unlike most Demis in comments, no monogamous inclination. I am relationship-anarchous, which means I prefer for relationships to develop by themselves - it is descriptive not prescriptive, so I am not looking to "lock in" any particular type of relationship - and I'm not monogamous, so this narrows down spectrum of partners greatly for me, because most people are 1) monogamous, 2) looking for "the one" relationship, and 3) I am a weird person in general.
However, I still need emotional connection. It can just happen very fast, even over one date, to then have sex. Or not. Could take way more, I don't care, though I notice that I look for sexually open and positive people. I love sexuality more than monogamy, but I don't do relationships without connection.
I've had my share of relationships and they was always connection, I am friends with my ex partners. I've tried "serious" relationship and mono one time and was unhappy.
Male, 28, BTW.
It's true because when my friend Jennifer said that she had a crush in me I freaked out not because she was a girl because I have dated both my male and female ex and left me because I was too difficult. But in 2023 at work she wanted me to kiss her and in my head I'm like "this is so fucking wrong. She's my bestest friend!" So I said yes just so she can shut up about it. Then later on I grossed out and facing my worst fears for what my body has to experience and I said "no Jennifer no. Don't ever do that again" literally. As a child back then when valentine rolled in I would get jealous when someone gave another person a teddy bear and I'm like "I wish my buddy got me one too" but the I heard she was together and I'm like "😲😶☺️" because I'm such a fantasy mind of seeing love as a disney movie. No joke. But when I got my first boyfriend we shared a kiss and well I only learned more because of adult website's that was my fault as a troubled sexualized teen. We would make out and my intimacy would feel from 100 to 0 REAL quick. I'm not gonna go into my trauma because that is too.much to speak of. So now I realized I'm a demi sexual but afraid no one would understand what I'm dealing with.
I’m not bragging but I’m a good looking guy who identifies as Demisexual. I’m 36yrs old and have only had 4 girlfriends, with those relationships going for 2 or more years. I get hit on by girls all the time but I just cannot and have not ever had a one night stand with a stranger. I want too, but I just can’t, and my mates call me gay or make smart comments because I never can go through with it.
I had an ex I hadn’t seen in 7 years come back into my life for a night, and I wanted too but I couldn’t get hard. That’s the life of a demisexual.
I'm demi. I hate it. Nobody is like me and nobody wants to invest that much time. I've lost too many friends because of this. They act betrayed after a few months of friendship when I say something.
BRO AINT NO WAY 😭😭😭 I’m new to all this and I literally just related to all these signs 😭
omg yes! These are so relatable lol
The friends to lovers is so true, I remember when I was a teen I was watching one of these generic high school movies (don't even remember what it was) and there was a group of girls having a conversation about who one of the girls should go out with or something like that, they were mentioning several guys but then the girl mentions her friend I don't remember why, and one of the girls go "*gasp* You don't go out with your friends! That's lame!" and I was like "The heck?! Who are you supposed to go out with then?!" That kind of mentality was a shock to me, years later I understand why lol
Also before learning what demisexuality was, I used to explain that my relationships with people work exactly like The Sims, at least the first games, where you had to have a considerable level of friendship before unlocking the romantic/sexual interactions. I once read someone say that the relationship progression in the game was unrealistic, and I was so confused because for me it was pretty accurate. There's so many things that make sense in hindsight xD
Thank you for your thoughts and experiences shared, first of all. I relate to basically all 5 points. I've always thought that friends to lovers was the way things just went, but most times I was left emptihanded by someone who didn't have the same capacity for longevity (seeing whether or not they actually like me), as I did (I could wait for literally years and realize that my feelings exist).
I have been I think subconsciously trying to convince myself that I can learn how to hook up or being casual with sexy stuff - but the truth is, I just don't feel natural at it. I could learn it - anyone could... flirting, just sexual talk... but my heart and soul don't vibrate in the same way as simply talking and finding out who the person truly is - how is their character? Now if I understand your character - my chances of sexual arousal naturally happening are 10x stronger. It's not even funny.
So i honestly take it that, sure I could hook up with strangers, I DO feel sexual attraction to what's their physically. But my natural tendencies are SO in favor of getting to know someone, it's not even funny. That's just wild! I'm 21 and just kinda starting to put these puzzle pieces together :).
Also I cannot stand others trying to tell other's how to feel. just shut up and live your life, simple as that. Thank you for your love and energy!
I think I'm either a demisexual or asexual panromantic, and my platonic vs romantic attraction is absolutely EVERYWHERE and hookup culture gives me a headache.
For me it takes almost a year or more because I also have trust issues
Thank u sm for this video I feel like ik what’s I thought what was wrong with me
I 100% believe demisexuality is real and valid because I identify that way. And uh, I also think that hookup culture doesn’t have to do with peoples authentic feelings. What I observed in college was that people were doing it out of shame and confusion and lack of communication and/or education about healthy relationships. Hookups themselves I totally believe can happen out of individuals authentic feelings of immediate attraction, and can be a healthy expression of sexuality, because I have tons of friends who have expressed this type of attraction and I trust them. But I think hookup CULTURE is more a result of a lot of people being really confused and ashamed bc we have poor relationship and sex education, and doing things that aren’t always in line with their actual feelings.
I say this because of its sort of inherent definition of being in the context of a *group* where people are conforming (thus, a culture), and the lack of proper communication so common in hookup culture. When my individual friends say they want to have sex with someone immediately, I believe them. When I’m on a college campus and 10,000 young adults with lots of feelings and shoddy sex education are in a small area and are making out and or fucking all over every couch in front of people (and intoxicated* is another big signal to me that it’s inauthentic), I am less inclined to believe that they are all acting completely out of authentic feelings and more inclined to believe they’re performing sexuality for acceptance and conformity, while meeting some of their sexual needs in a really unhealthy way (mostly lack of communication about desire because of shame). That’s not how hookups have to go. We need more sex education!!
This is actually really helpful