Wow. I should have watched this video years ago because it would have saved me a lot of unnecessary heartache and misunderstandings. It took a bit but my husband learned to tell me “I am upset with the situation; not you or us. My anger has nothing to do with how I feel about us. I love you; I’m just mad at the current situation”. He’s so good to me. He knows I overthink.
That is the best explanation I've heard for part of INFP's relationship complexity. However, it lacks the INFP's darker interpretations of themselves held in their shadow, caused by unfortunate interpretations of negative parental messages. So that the, 'what did I do wrong' question can become, 'how can I correct my being wrong? Which in turn gets projected out onto the world as the world being wrong(ed) and in need of healing.
Very much this. High expectations for the self projected onto the world. Failure to meet self-expectations and frustration that the world is not the idyllic place it SHOULD be. Sometimes expressed in efforts to help, perhaps in a helping profession, only to burn out when faced with the uncaring reality of the world, and the lack of direct impact. Bitterness and resentment. If only the world could see things my way... maybe then... And then turned inward: I shouldn't be so judgmental, I should be more accepting, I should be... High expectations for the self... and the cycle repeats.
@@tylrp24 That's a tough place to be in. Here's what helped me: 1. Lowering my expectations for myself. Perfection is subjective: what I think is perfect someone else hates and vice versa. So now I just do my best. 2. Recognizing the difference between intention vs. outcome. I can't control outcomes. I can do everything right and still fail. But I can control my intentions. So I try to approach situations with specific intentions, such as improving this relationship, helping this person, etc., but don't get too miffed if it doesn't work out. 3. Removing expectations for others. I try to approach my relationships with curiosity instead of judgement or expectations. One trick that worked for me was replacing "why" with "what" or "how." Why tends to be very accusatory, even in our self-dialogue, whereas what/how are curious. Example: "Why did I do that again?" becomes "What led me to do this again?" 4. Challenging my assumptions / beliefs. Whenever a SHOULD cropped up in my thoughts, I would stop to question what led me to believe that thing. This is a great way to uncover deeply held beliefs, where they came from and whether they are helpful or a hinderance. 5. Listening to my intuition. Almost every time I've been taken advantage of happened when I ignored a gut feeling. So now I listen to my intuition. If I feel uncomfortable saying yes to someone, then I don't. Including this if you have a problem with burnout, which in my experience was primarily from people pleasing. And lastly... but probably most importantly... therapy. For me, all of this, plus a year of regular therapy. I attended EMDR and found it effective.
This resonates with me. My spouse suffers from chronic pain, and just seeing their pain causes me bouts of anxiety due to an over-active sense of responsibility for others' feelings. Looking back, this was due to an alcoholic mother who made the entire family responsible for her emotional state. What's especially irritating to me is how I don't feel like I have permission to have, let alone express, "negative" emotions. Are there any other INFPs or INFJs who feel this way? It's like the only anger I'm allowed to have is righteous anger -- but not for myself, only others. I can be sad, but not around others, lest I upset them. Life is walking on eggshells in fear of upsetting (being rejected by) someone else.
I feel that too. Also my partner has the same issue. I got into conclusion to go inside myself further and further and that would be the ultimate goal of mine. This is not about reserving from society but quite the opposite...just passing by others easily and without any obsessions and obligations.
I also had an alcoholic mother and I didn't feel like I had permission to be mad about the things she did. She died over 20 years ago and I still feel completely numb when I think about her. I didn't cry at her funeral, I have this persistent thought of "I don't know how I feel about my mom"
You just described my mom, she's also an INFP 😪 I had no idea I was codependent. Exactly, I always used to think I'm at fault. My INFJ partner helps me understand myself 💛
How you two deal with your mutual sensibility? 😢 My partner is also an INFJ and we are so frustated because we both are caring and emotional people and sometime we end up falling on a loop of support eachother 😢 After a few months we are both depressed and is sad, because we really love eachother.
@@ranarene5965 Hi Francisca, I thought about your question for a long time. I think each partner must care for themselves and tell the other when there is a problem - when you are in a bad mood, when you are tired from work, when you are sad, when you are having a shitty week and can't take any more problems. You must communicate this. You can't always give, sometimes you need to recharge yourself and your partner needs to know what state you are in. Also, really really get to know yourself - your triggers, fears, hopes, weaknesses and strengths :) I think to be in a relationship, we must get to know ourselves too.
“We must bear in mind that we do not make projections, rather they happen to us.” Projection happens when we are “certain we know what other people think or what their true character is,” and interact with them based on those assumptions. Carl Jung
I didn’t experience that in childhood with my parents. My father put in a lot of time with me for sure, but not as my friend, but as a father. And I’m thankful for that. My mother focused more on my brother (for practical reasons I won’t elaborate on since it’s a long story). In a sense, I was shown lots of love by both, and with my father there was a master/apprentice dynamic.
As INFP, I feel a lot and keep overthinking. I used to have INFJ friend at school. We both are suffering as girls who are introvert and born in the broken home. But INFJ leave me without say goodbye. After all the memories spend together, she left me. Change her phone number and leave the city. No letter, no sms, no email. Nothing. I feel betrayed and abandoned by her. After all the money I share with her. I share everything including my stuffs. I open the door when she come to my house and let her stay as long as she want. I believe her. I trust her like my own body parts. But she left me. I don't understand why she do that to me. The INTJ friend (her neighbor that I used to know but not so close to him) told me about her moving out. But I don't know about it. Last time, I said "see you tomorrow" with a smile and wave my hands. But next day, she is gone. It hurts me so much. I become so bitter and close minded. No smile. No excitement. I went to college and meet INTP. I decide to be open with my feelings. I also help INTP for art class. But. I feel betrayed again. When I walked and accidentally hear INTP laughing at my pain (broken home means my dad leave mom, using medicine for my diabetes, traumatic memories, etc), I feel like my world went to dark again. I cried alone. Like why INTP. I never talk or think poorly about you and you're family. It is like she is forget about all the work I've done together with her. She forget who is stay on her side when she is sick. It's me. Not the ENTP and ENFP. But why she talk like that with laugh. I don't understand why being INFP always treated like a cry baby and weaklings. I cry for you. I think about you. I care for you. I pray for you. You can call me and be yourself. No need to hesitate and just talk to me. I will listen to you. Lend you my shoulder and give a glass of water. If you ask for help, I will try my best. Just let me know what to do. But again. She betrayed my trust. I blocked her and never want to spend long time with any INTP. So, I don't trust anybody. Entp, estp, estj, enfp are bullies. It is like I am destined to be alone.
It would be worth your time and money to talk to a counselor. Get to the source of what is looking like a pattern. You are either picking people who are below average character, or you are displaying something that is causing otherwise good people to reject some aspect of yourself. MBTI is of little value in these types of issues. Good luck!
@@Wellch …have you ever considered that just because you put more thought into things than most other people that for you it’s the perfect amount of thinking ?
This was the most astoundingly accurate description of the dynamics of how INFPs (e.g. me, in this case) get obsessed with trying to fix something they think they’ve done when they haven’t done anything wrong, and how that leads to a conflict because the partner feels smothered by the attempts to fix things (esp. if the partner is INFJ). Obviously, I say this from current and past experience. Really on the mark. Thank you.
What youre talking about here can be experienced with most people that have had emotional inconsistency in childhood. Yes INFPs are more likely, all feelers are more susceptible to this dynamic. But its not exclusive to INFPs. The dynamic is typical of an anxious attachment style.
Yep, you're not responsible for other people's feelings. It's worthwhile turning that into an incantation. I am not responsible for other people's feelings. I am not responsible for other people's feelings. I am not responsible for other people's feelings. I am not responsible for other people's feelings. I am not responsible for other people's feelings. I am not responsible for other people's feelings. I am not responsible for other people's feelings. I am not responsible for other people's feelings. I am not responsible for other people's feelings. I am not responsible for other people's feelings. repeat it 10 times in the morning and 10 times before you go to sleep for 30 days so your subconscious gets the message.
I am INFJ I have a roommate who is INFP its really hard with him sometimes, because I I like to do things for him or both of us, choose to pay for meal, and he doesn't reciprocate as much. Idk what I want from him tbf. Maybe I will just do less too.
I am an INFP and I believe it’s a love language issue here. INFJs tend to have acts of service vas very high on their love language priorities, but INFPs tend to have quality time as such (and some actually struggle to show affection at all)
Your love language is probably gifts and/or acts of service from your Fe function. Find out what the roommates love language is. He might just think you are just being nice and that you just like doing that. I know it’s not glamorous but tell him you what you would like from him without criticism or judgement. Then allow him to decide if he wants to do that because Fi is his first function. If he can’t accept him for who he is. INFP’s value authenticity
Thank you for your comments, I am an INFP and appreciate it…. Another INFJ person on her ch say that she tell the INFP person that it isn’t his or her fault …and gently ask to give her time to process her feelings …and say, check with me in 3 or 4 days…and go from there.
This INFJ tends to take on the other person's lack of communication as being my cause or problem...but since I'm right in betweeen J/P, maybe in this way, I'm more INFPish. Letting go of them/their emotional state is good advice Thank you. I'm realizing I take on the other person's emotional state as my responsibility, without noticing I'm doing this. For me it is all about my deficit of not having someone with whom I can truly connect, and connect deeply.
Also father was abusive in the sense he would yell very badly when i was a child. And id get hit sometimes but nothing like some others iv heard. Was very sheltered and overprotected. Mother has mental illness and broken english so she didnt offer much emotional support though she did do all other motherly things. Funny thing is even though my father was very strict he was also the only parent i spent most of my time with. I guess i have a lot of unprocessed feelings on my parents.
How can I be in a state of "Im not responsible for other people's feeling" without looking like I don't care? How can I give them space to process their emotions and at the same time let them know I care? How do I communicate that?
I do a recap of times when I overgive… & ask myself what would it look like if I gave less in this instance because I usually do the most? And the i wash rinse and repeat for a similar situation when it arises. I just see it as functioning more normally. Where as I am more naturally inclined to over give my attention, time, effort money etc. you change your mindset essentially and spend more energy on your talents
That’s a really difficult thing to do at first, but don’t completely distance yourself, you can still show compassion for them without feeling responsible for how they feel, however, if you feel you can’t do that, sometimes distance is necessary, even for a short while. When it comes to someone you trust and feel comfortable with, you can be honest and upfront with them and explain that you’re trying to work on yourself and not take on other’s emotions, even though you still really care about them and what they’re going through. When it comes to those you’re less comfortable opening up to it’s more a matter of your mindset, when/if you’re listening to what’s going on in their lives check yourself, ask, “how much emotion am I taking from this?” It doesn’t even have to be negative emotion, simply treating the situation as if you were going through it takes a serious toll on the long run, especially if you’re like me and a lot of people open up to you. Most people worth keeping around will understand if you communicate you need space and why, and the ones you really treasure will be proud of you for it. But when you don’t feel like you need space, just remember to check yourself, and if you’re taking too much on try to think of it in a third person perspective “how should I be feeling about this?” Chances are, if you’re taking too much on you’ll see that, and once you do it’s easier to redirect. But if you’re worried about seeming cold and distant, just tell them the honest truth, that you still care about them and what they’re going through, (even though you can’t treat their problems like your own) you can say things like “That sounds really difficult, I’m sorry you had to go through that.” And that clearly communicates that you care, but you can truthfully say that without taking on their emotions as your own. I know that was a lot, but I hope you got something out of it, I’m still working on this too but I promise it gets easier with time. Keep working on yourself and stay safe ❤️
Yes, same here not to mention my husband is an unhealthy INTP. My dad is also a thinker, but he’s an extrovert and he’s all about good, constructive feedback and assertiveness and advocacy. I learned overtime to put my foot down and say not just what I feel but what I’m thinking. Example, do you realize how much your mother is wreaking havoc on this relationship with her toxicity? She’s not only smothering you, but she’s damaging our relationship. I already set my personal boundaries against her. you let her walk all over you because you don’t use the word no. He’s an electrician and he says well with electrical things they need help. I followed his logical unsolicited advice pattern. Then do only electric work for them. Your mother is more than capable doing other things on her own. You’re spreading yourself thin for someone who believes you’re not good enough.. Took a lot of time we used to have big blowups until properly communicating Said use your logical thinking with psychology, set some healthy boundaries assisting you does not mean she should mistreat anybody and violate privacy and show up uninvited that is a sign of disrespect
I found this very spot on except that it seems there is a lot of attention on childhoods being a cause of certain dysfunctional patterns in adulthood, when it seems clear to me that it is predominantly a personality type-brain wiring situation at play rather than something caused by a parent. I struggle with these things but did not have this situation with a parent. I think I have, by nature, always had this characteristic of internalizing someone else's moods or problems and being anxious that I either caused it or made it worse, and that I either need to fix it or could fix it and not being able to tolerate those I love being unhappy or troubled. It is painful to me to see others suffering and I feel desperate to help them relieve their pain. This is the same reason I am so careful about monitoring what I say. Before I say anything, I run it all past myself from many different angles as to how it could be received (as quickly as possible) so I can say it in the most accurate way so there is no misunderstanding. This is exhausting. I agree that this is a problem for me and my relationships, and your explanation that the partner feels smothered by it rings true in my experience. Hard to change, though!! And one of the reasons I frequently wish I was not an INFP. A therapist once told me to practice "holding the tension" and that does give me a way to endure it rather than to feel so frantic and distressed.
Infp female here with diagnosed bpd and a few other lovely diagnosis. Relationship for me is hard. I only had one partner still with partner. He is an istp personality type but sometimes hs inability to hear my feelings or respect my feelings can be rather an issue....especially when i get triggered. Communication is better sometimes but sometimes i can get very childish and coldshoulder him for not wanting to listen. Sometimes i wonder if I'm just too sensitive and not realistic sometimes as my bpd can distort whats what. I am questioning myself often if i am even capable of having a relationship with all my excess baggage though he has a lot too...ahhhh the complications of relationships. I may be over thinking the matter. Good content anyway. 😊
Interesting temperament pair. May I ask how you two met? What do you have in common? I ask because as an INFP I wish I had an ISTP friend. I have none.
INFJ here; This was very insightful and timely. Brought some light to a perceived co-dependency issue with an INFP I’m trying to date right now. Thanks.
💖👁 I had massive insights recently. 👁💖 Your statements is good and helped me alot realizing what happens, sadly I experienced this recently with and INFJ I love, I was walking into this trap of trying to fix things... I was fustrated with it, and and it made me want to fix things even more. What was the solution? the fix is as you say, to not fix.. in this case. What makes it most confusing to me is probably how this strategy *does* work most of the time. I am very very skilled on fixing relationship issues, but what I realized is that for it to work, the other person involved *has* to be equally adept at being vulnerable and dealing with conflict in a way that is loving and caring. (someone with anxious attachmentstyle typically, they prefer to solve all problems together in team) The big insight to me is that the way you (youtuber) talk about this indicates you have avoidant attachmentstyle (btw I love your analysis and it's very very very valuable stuff here). But when you say "it feels like the INFP is ON you, energetically, and that it is smothering", it's partly said exactly in that form as a reflection of you yourself having experienced this in the past and how it triggered your avoidant attachment style in the negative sense (triggered by anxious attachment style of INFP, aka putting the energy on you). You probably started to be annoyed, resentful and distrusting, making the INFP even more confused and try to force a talk because *they know the situation would be resolved if it happened* (we are very very confident on this skill of ours because it works and we are very good at it, we are peak experts on this sort of vulnerability). However on avoidant attachment people this effect will be opposite *because* the avoidant attachment person can't stand the danger of vulnerability because unconsciously extremely afraid of the possibility of being attacked while having the armor down. In other words, the INFP will typically never get to have the healing conversation they know would fix it, and instead make the avoidant person even more defensive and convinced that this relationship is *not* going to work no matter what. They will dislike the INFP alot sadly. This is not to say that anxious attachment is any better than avoidant attachment btw. I believe they are equally bad, and whatever that truly *is* bad in the anxious attachment is what the avoidant person will hyper focus on during these times. Never did they know that this compassionate irl talk face to face without defensiveness and attack would heal everything and that the INFP is unusally skilled at it. Instead only flaws will be seen, the INFP will be understood instead as intrusive and controlling. And to be fair they do try to control, not in a manipulate sense but simply because they know they have the key if the other partner allows themselves to get close. However sense the relationship is avoidant vs anxious, the INFP in this situation will need to change to something he is less confident in, a more avoidant and independent attitude. He needs to do what the avoidant INFJ is doing. He needs to step away (but def not cricitice the avoidant INFJ even if they critice the anxious INFP nonstop as a defense mechanism. Yep they pick on their partner but would never handle being picked on. The INFP likely wouldn't pick on the partner anyway, but we can sometimes try to signal in a rather soft way that all the issues they pick on exists in both directions. However this is a veeeery bad idea to do, as the INFJ and avoidant is wired to percieve any criticism as attack even if it's not and meant in a contstructive loving way. Especially when amped up and in high defensive energy and happening over text rather than real life face to face. It might sound crazy to think INFJs have avoidant attachment style (can also be fearful avoidant, and also I think many infjs with avoidant attachmentstyle will try to think they don't have it). But consider this.. they are highely independent like avoidant personalities, they dislike (eventually) too intense emotions in the beginning of forming a relationship, they don't like to be vulnerable and use armor to protect themselves, they dislike victim mentality and look down upon people who are incel victimized codependent etc (which reflects their distaste for vulnerability and imperfections even if momentary), they (heard this from 3 different INFJs, the exact same line and they believe it is intuition) have relationship problems and think they are only meant to help people grow and then move on to next person (moves from person to person even though they genuinely are loyal and want only their current relationship to work out), they constantly doubt the future of their relationship and think it must be their intuition speaking to them (it's not, instead these are trauma signals most of the time). I apologize if there is projection here btw, I was hurt afterall, but I love her and I believe I avoided alot of projection ideas due to this. I hope it's true 🙏 INFPs similarly, even though my eyes on this fact is weaker, probably have anxious attachment style. INFJs go to their left brain logic and try to reasonably convince themselves of facts and logic for why the other person is the problem (even though behind this they feel a negative feeling which influence their thoughts, and they don't see that the resentment is a lack of vulnerability. In fact instead they think that they should be allowed to feel whatever they feel which is alright and important to validate, but the real feeling under the resentment is a vulnerable one they refuse to visit because of childhood trauma). INFPs instead go to the right brain and start to feel bad and desparate. I wish I could say more on this part because it's not fair to say that bad stuff is not happening on this part. I'm blind to my own shadows you know :( I love the INFJ still very very much, I am sad for hurting her without knowing, I didn't even criticise her much at all, I was just too pushy with trying to fix it I suppose. I know we love each other, I will be waiting for her if she wants
I am an INFP but I only relate partially, yes I used to feel I'm the reason my partner isn't feeling well or upset but I just always ask why they're feeling upset or what's wrong before I jump to conclusions which is something I hate, I always take my time to try to understand rhe situation and ask when necessary. I always communicate clearly about what's happening and love honestly and clarity so does that not make me an INFP? I also didn't have a childhood of codependency with my mother in which she would sort of force me to make things better or blame me for whenever she's upset or mad as far as I remember
Can this also be an INFj problem if you were raised by a mom with borderline personality- she always projected her stuff on me and I would take it on as my own and want to fix it. I’m trying to figure out if I’m INFj or infp I think INFj bc I relate more to that, but I definitely have this particular problem.
Yeah a big Bias on this. To be honest i learned pretty fast that when someone is mad of sad its on them they feel that way. I should check if i can help by asking or paying attantion on them but again he/she is in that mood not me. In the end its on them to fix it.
Talking about enmeshment as an INFP trait is wrong and irresponsible. That happens to all personality types. Making videos about personality types means you have to intently dig and parse. Since every personality type can have parents who is emotionally dependent on the child THAT is not an INFP trait. So what is the trait that INFP's have which feels akin to enmeshment to you? Which trait of INFP is the driver of that relational vulnerability? How does having the opposite trait influence the development of relationships, which the INFP will encounter? This isn't a poor video about INFPs; this is a poor video on enmeshment. It's like a freshman paper where the student borrows information from other classes to fill in ignorance of the topic they're SUPPOSED to be writing on. Don't quit making content. You've got this
I'm an INFP, and I relate to wanting to merge with a close friend. But enmeshment is different? Also, my Fi is responsible for any percieved co-dependency. It's because I care so much. However, I don't think I personally show it as much as I think about the other person.
Subscribe to Lauren’s newsletter: laurensapala.com/newsletter/
ENFJ is the cling master; harmony.
Wow. I should have watched this video years ago because it would have saved me a lot of unnecessary heartache and misunderstandings. It took a bit but my husband learned to tell me “I am upset with the situation; not you or us. My anger has nothing to do with how I feel about us. I love you; I’m just mad at the current situation”. He’s so good to me. He knows I overthink.
That is the best explanation I've heard for part of INFP's relationship complexity. However, it lacks the INFP's darker interpretations of themselves held in their shadow, caused by unfortunate interpretations of negative parental messages. So that the, 'what did I do wrong' question can become, 'how can I correct my being wrong? Which in turn gets projected out onto the world as the world being wrong(ed) and in need of healing.
Very much this.
High expectations for the self projected onto the world.
Failure to meet self-expectations and frustration that the world is not the idyllic place it SHOULD be.
Sometimes expressed in efforts to help, perhaps in a helping profession, only to burn out when faced with the uncaring reality of the world, and the lack of direct impact.
Bitterness and resentment. If only the world could see things my way... maybe then...
And then turned inward: I shouldn't be so judgmental, I should be more accepting, I should be...
High expectations for the self... and the cycle repeats.
@@milocat6387 This is the exact cycle I find myself in. It's challenging because even with recognizing it, what am I supposed to do about it?
@@tylrp24 That's a tough place to be in.
Here's what helped me:
1. Lowering my expectations for myself. Perfection is subjective: what I think is perfect someone else hates and vice versa. So now I just do my best.
2. Recognizing the difference between intention vs. outcome. I can't control outcomes. I can do everything right and still fail. But I can control my intentions. So I try to approach situations with specific intentions, such as improving this relationship, helping this person, etc., but don't get too miffed if it doesn't work out.
3. Removing expectations for others. I try to approach my relationships with curiosity instead of judgement or expectations. One trick that worked for me was replacing "why" with "what" or "how." Why tends to be very accusatory, even in our self-dialogue, whereas what/how are curious. Example: "Why did I do that again?" becomes "What led me to do this again?"
4. Challenging my assumptions / beliefs. Whenever a SHOULD cropped up in my thoughts, I would stop to question what led me to believe that thing. This is a great way to uncover deeply held beliefs, where they came from and whether they are helpful or a hinderance.
5. Listening to my intuition. Almost every time I've been taken advantage of happened when I ignored a gut feeling. So now I listen to my intuition. If I feel uncomfortable saying yes to someone, then I don't. Including this if you have a problem with burnout, which in my experience was primarily from people pleasing.
And lastly... but probably most importantly... therapy. For me, all of this, plus a year of regular therapy. I attended EMDR and found it effective.
This resonates with me. My spouse suffers from chronic pain, and just seeing their pain causes me bouts of anxiety due to an over-active sense of responsibility for others' feelings. Looking back, this was due to an alcoholic mother who made the entire family responsible for her emotional state.
What's especially irritating to me is how I don't feel like I have permission to have, let alone express, "negative" emotions. Are there any other INFPs or INFJs who feel this way?
It's like the only anger I'm allowed to have is righteous anger -- but not for myself, only others. I can be sad, but not around others, lest I upset them. Life is walking on eggshells in fear of upsetting (being rejected by) someone else.
I feel that too. Also my partner has the same issue. I got into conclusion to go inside myself further and further and that would be the ultimate goal of mine. This is not about reserving from society but quite the opposite...just passing by others easily and without any obsessions and obligations.
I also had an alcoholic mother and I didn't feel like I had permission to be mad about the things she did. She died over 20 years ago and I still feel completely numb when I think about her. I didn't cry at her funeral, I have this persistent thought of "I don't know how I feel about my mom"
INFP are sweethearts ❤️
I'm dating one now! You are right, it the most natural term of endearment I call her. I am ENFP.
You just described my mom, she's also an INFP 😪 I had no idea I was codependent. Exactly, I always used to think I'm at fault. My INFJ partner helps me understand myself 💛
How you two deal with your mutual sensibility? 😢
My partner is also an INFJ and we are so frustated because we both are caring and emotional people and sometime we end up falling on a loop of support eachother 😢
After a few months we are both depressed and is sad, because we really love eachother.
@@ranarene5965 Hi Francisca, I thought about your question for a long time. I think each partner must care for themselves and tell the other when there is a problem - when you are in a bad mood, when you are tired from work, when you are sad, when you are having a shitty week and can't take any more problems. You must communicate this. You can't always give, sometimes you need to recharge yourself and your partner needs to know what state you are in. Also, really really get to know yourself - your triggers, fears, hopes, weaknesses and strengths :) I think to be in a relationship, we must get to know ourselves too.
“We must bear in mind that we do not make projections, rather they happen to us.” Projection happens when we are “certain we know what other people think or what their true character is,” and interact with them based on those assumptions.
Carl Jung
I didn’t experience that in childhood with my parents. My father put in a lot of time with me for sure, but not as my friend, but as a father. And I’m thankful for that. My mother focused more on my brother (for practical reasons I won’t elaborate on since it’s a long story). In a sense, I was shown lots of love by both, and with my father there was a master/apprentice dynamic.
As INFP, I feel a lot and keep overthinking. I used to have INFJ friend at school. We both are suffering as girls who are introvert and born in the broken home. But INFJ leave me without say goodbye. After all the memories spend together, she left me. Change her phone number and leave the city. No letter, no sms, no email. Nothing. I feel betrayed and abandoned by her. After all the money I share with her. I share everything including my stuffs. I open the door when she come to my house and let her stay as long as she want. I believe her. I trust her like my own body parts. But she left me. I don't understand why she do that to me. The INTJ friend (her neighbor that I used to know but not so close to him) told me about her moving out. But I don't know about it. Last time, I said "see you tomorrow" with a smile and wave my hands. But next day, she is gone. It hurts me so much.
I become so bitter and close minded. No smile. No excitement. I went to college and meet INTP. I decide to be open with my feelings. I also help INTP for art class. But. I feel betrayed again. When I walked and accidentally hear INTP laughing at my pain (broken home means my dad leave mom, using medicine for my diabetes, traumatic memories, etc), I feel like my world went to dark again. I cried alone. Like why INTP. I never talk or think poorly about you and you're family. It is like she is forget about all the work I've done together with her. She forget who is stay on her side when she is sick. It's me. Not the ENTP and ENFP. But why she talk like that with laugh. I don't understand why being INFP always treated like a cry baby and weaklings. I cry for you. I think about you. I care for you. I pray for you. You can call me and be yourself. No need to hesitate and just talk to me. I will listen to you. Lend you my shoulder and give a glass of water. If you ask for help, I will try my best. Just let me know what to do. But again. She betrayed my trust. I blocked her and never want to spend long time with any INTP. So, I don't trust anybody. Entp, estp, estj, enfp are bullies. It is like I am destined to be alone.
It would be worth your time and money to talk to a counselor. Get to the source of what is looking like a pattern. You are either picking people who are below average character, or you are displaying something that is causing otherwise good people to reject some aspect of yourself. MBTI is of little value in these types of issues. Good luck!
....pretty much all thinking is "over thinking" when it comes down to it.
me enfj almost crying by just reading your story, im pretty sure you will find someone whogenuinely love you, keep the journey and self growth
As an INFP, I overthink things too.
@@Wellch …have you ever considered that just because you put more thought into things than most other people that for you it’s the perfect amount of thinking ?
This was the most astoundingly accurate description of the dynamics of how INFPs (e.g. me, in this case) get obsessed with trying to fix something they think they’ve done when they haven’t done anything wrong, and how that leads to a conflict because the partner feels smothered by the attempts to fix things (esp. if the partner is INFJ). Obviously, I say this from current and past experience. Really on the mark. Thank you.
What youre talking about here can be experienced with most people that have had emotional inconsistency in childhood. Yes INFPs are more likely, all feelers are more susceptible to this dynamic. But its not exclusive to INFPs.
The dynamic is typical of an anxious attachment style.
Yep, you're not responsible for other people's feelings. It's worthwhile turning that into an incantation.
I am not responsible for other people's feelings. I am not responsible for other people's feelings.
I am not responsible for other people's feelings. I am not responsible for other people's feelings.
I am not responsible for other people's feelings. I am not responsible for other people's feelings.
I am not responsible for other people's feelings. I am not responsible for other people's feelings.
I am not responsible for other people's feelings. I am not responsible for other people's feelings.
repeat it 10 times in the morning and 10 times before you go to sleep for 30 days so your subconscious gets the message.
say it louder for the people at the back
I am INFJ I have a roommate who is INFP its really hard with him sometimes, because I I like to do things for him or both of us, choose to pay for meal, and he doesn't reciprocate as much.
Idk what I want from him tbf. Maybe I will just do less too.
I am an INFP and I believe it’s a love language issue here. INFJs tend to have acts of service vas very high on their love language priorities, but INFPs tend to have quality time as such (and some actually struggle to show affection at all)
Your love language is probably gifts and/or acts of service from your Fe function. Find out what the roommates love language is. He might just think you are just being nice and that you just like doing that. I know it’s not glamorous but tell him you what you would like from him without criticism or judgement. Then allow him to decide if he wants to do that because Fi is his first function. If he can’t accept him for who he is. INFP’s value authenticity
What about those who did not have that kind of friend/parent? We were left out of this.
Thank you for your comments, I am an INFP and appreciate it…. Another INFJ person on her ch say that she tell the INFP person that it isn’t his or her fault …and gently ask to give her time to process her feelings …and say, check with me in 3 or 4 days…and go from there.
Thanks for the cry this morning lol
This INFJ tends to take on the other person's lack of communication as being my cause or problem...but since I'm right in betweeen J/P, maybe in this way, I'm more INFPish. Letting go of them/their emotional state is good advice Thank you. I'm realizing I take on the other person's emotional state as my responsibility, without noticing I'm doing this. For me it is all about my deficit of not having someone with whom I can truly connect, and connect deeply.
wtf why is this so true thank you so much
Thanks a lot for putting words on my latest (bad) experience in my romantic relationship, I couldn't have formulated it better.
Also father was abusive in the sense he would yell very badly when i was a child. And id get hit sometimes but nothing like some others iv heard. Was very sheltered and overprotected. Mother has mental illness and broken english so she didnt offer much emotional support though she did do all other motherly things. Funny thing is even though my father was very strict he was also the only parent i spent most of my time with. I guess i have a lot of unprocessed feelings on my parents.
This can happen to an INFJ as well who has been in a codependent/enmeshed child/parent relationship. Thank you!
How can I be in a state of "Im not responsible for other people's feeling" without looking like I don't care? How can I give them space to process their emotions and at the same time let them know I care? How do I communicate that?
I do a recap of times when I overgive… & ask myself what would it look like if I gave less in this instance because I usually do the most?
And the i wash rinse and repeat for a similar situation when it arises.
I just see it as functioning more normally. Where as I am more naturally inclined to over give my attention, time, effort money etc. you change your mindset essentially and spend more energy on your talents
That’s a really difficult thing to do at first, but don’t completely distance yourself, you can still show compassion for them without feeling responsible for how they feel, however, if you feel you can’t do that, sometimes distance is necessary, even for a short while.
When it comes to someone you trust and feel comfortable with, you can be honest and upfront with them and explain that you’re trying to work on yourself and not take on other’s emotions, even though you still really care about them and what they’re going through. When it comes to those you’re less comfortable opening up to it’s more a matter of your mindset, when/if you’re listening to what’s going on in their lives check yourself, ask, “how much emotion am I taking from this?” It doesn’t even have to be negative emotion, simply treating the situation as if you were going through it takes a serious toll on the long run, especially if you’re like me and a lot of people open up to you.
Most people worth keeping around will understand if you communicate you need space and why, and the ones you really treasure will be proud of you for it. But when you don’t feel like you need space, just remember to check yourself, and if you’re taking too much on try to think of it in a third person perspective “how should I be feeling about this?” Chances are, if you’re taking too much on you’ll see that, and once you do it’s easier to redirect. But if you’re worried about seeming cold and distant, just tell them the honest truth, that you still care about them and what they’re going through, (even though you can’t treat their problems like your own) you can say things like “That sounds really difficult, I’m sorry you had to go through that.” And that clearly communicates that you care, but you can truthfully say that without taking on their emotions as your own.
I know that was a lot, but I hope you got something out of it, I’m still working on this too but I promise it gets easier with time. Keep working on yourself and stay safe ❤️
Beautiful job, Lauren, as usual. Right on the money and very helpful. Thanks
Yes, same here not to mention my husband is an unhealthy INTP. My dad is also a thinker, but he’s an extrovert and he’s all about good, constructive feedback and assertiveness and advocacy. I learned overtime to put my foot down and say not just what I feel but what I’m thinking. Example, do you realize how much your mother is wreaking havoc on this relationship with her toxicity? She’s not only smothering you, but she’s damaging our relationship. I already set my personal boundaries against her. you let her walk all over you because you don’t use the word no. He’s an electrician and he says well with electrical things they need help. I followed his logical unsolicited advice pattern. Then do only electric work for them. Your mother is more than capable doing other things on her own. You’re spreading yourself thin for someone who believes you’re not good enough.. Took a lot of time we used to have big blowups until properly communicating Said use your logical thinking with psychology, set some healthy boundaries assisting you does not mean she should mistreat anybody and violate privacy and show up uninvited that is a sign of disrespect
I found this very spot on except that it seems there is a lot of attention on childhoods being a cause of certain dysfunctional patterns in adulthood, when it seems clear to me that it is predominantly a personality type-brain wiring situation at play rather than something caused by a parent. I struggle with these things but did not have this situation with a parent. I think I have, by nature, always had this characteristic of internalizing someone else's moods or problems and being anxious that I either caused it or made it worse, and that I either need to fix it or could fix it and not being able to tolerate those I love being unhappy or troubled. It is painful to me to see others suffering and I feel desperate to help them relieve their pain. This is the same reason I am so careful about monitoring what I say. Before I say anything, I run it all past myself from many different angles as to how it could be received (as quickly as possible) so I can say it in the most accurate way so there is no misunderstanding. This is exhausting. I agree that this is a problem for me and my relationships, and your explanation that the partner feels smothered by it rings true in my experience. Hard to change, though!! And one of the reasons I frequently wish I was not an INFP. A therapist once told me to practice "holding the tension" and that does give me a way to endure it rather than to feel so frantic and distressed.
What does “holding the tension” mean?
Infp female here with diagnosed bpd and a few other lovely diagnosis. Relationship for me is hard. I only had one partner still with partner. He is an istp personality type but sometimes hs inability to hear my feelings or respect my feelings can be rather an issue....especially when i get triggered. Communication is better sometimes but sometimes i can get very childish and coldshoulder him for not wanting to listen. Sometimes i wonder if I'm just too sensitive and not realistic sometimes as my bpd can distort whats what. I am questioning myself often if i am even capable of having a relationship with all my excess baggage though he has a lot too...ahhhh the complications of relationships. I may be over thinking the matter. Good content anyway. 😊
Interesting temperament pair. May I ask how you two met? What do you have in common? I ask because as an INFP I wish I had an ISTP friend. I have none.
You are tremendously smart hit the HAMMER on my INFP NAIL AND CRUNCHED MY INFP TOES😂 JK
of course one person can be responsible for someones feelings (at least partly) !!
INFJ here; This was very insightful and timely. Brought some light to a perceived co-dependency issue with an INFP I’m trying to date right now. Thanks.
Yes
I know an INFP (or at least someone who I believe is one) that seems to have these problems👍
Run away fast. Not good people
I completely agree with your assessment but I’m sure it wasn’t the result of a parent, at least not in my case
Thank you this helped...alot.
Thank you. ❤
💖👁 I had massive insights recently. 👁💖 Your statements is good and helped me alot realizing what happens, sadly I experienced this recently with and INFJ I love, I was walking into this trap of trying to fix things... I was fustrated with it, and and it made me want to fix things even more. What was the solution? the fix is as you say, to not fix.. in this case. What makes it most confusing to me is probably how this strategy *does* work most of the time. I am very very skilled on fixing relationship issues, but what I realized is that for it to work, the other person involved *has* to be equally adept at being vulnerable and dealing with conflict in a way that is loving and caring. (someone with anxious attachmentstyle typically, they prefer to solve all problems together in team)
The big insight to me is that the way you (youtuber) talk about this indicates you have avoidant attachmentstyle (btw I love your analysis and it's very very very valuable stuff here). But when you say "it feels like the INFP is ON you, energetically, and that it is smothering", it's partly said exactly in that form as a reflection of you yourself having experienced this in the past and how it triggered your avoidant attachment style in the negative sense (triggered by anxious attachment style of INFP, aka putting the energy on you). You probably started to be annoyed, resentful and distrusting, making the INFP even more confused and try to force a talk because *they know the situation would be resolved if it happened* (we are very very confident on this skill of ours because it works and we are very good at it, we are peak experts on this sort of vulnerability). However on avoidant attachment people this effect will be opposite *because* the avoidant attachment person can't stand the danger of vulnerability because unconsciously extremely afraid of the possibility of being attacked while having the armor down. In other words, the INFP will typically never get to have the healing conversation they know would fix it, and instead make the avoidant person even more defensive and convinced that this relationship is *not* going to work no matter what. They will dislike the INFP alot sadly.
This is not to say that anxious attachment is any better than avoidant attachment btw. I believe they are equally bad, and whatever that truly *is* bad in the anxious attachment is what the avoidant person will hyper focus on during these times. Never did they know that this compassionate irl talk face to face without defensiveness and attack would heal everything and that the INFP is unusally skilled at it. Instead only flaws will be seen, the INFP will be understood instead as intrusive and controlling. And to be fair they do try to control, not in a manipulate sense but simply because they know they have the key if the other partner allows themselves to get close.
However sense the relationship is avoidant vs anxious, the INFP in this situation will need to change to something he is less confident in, a more avoidant and independent attitude. He needs to do what the avoidant INFJ is doing. He needs to step away (but def not cricitice the avoidant INFJ even if they critice the anxious INFP nonstop as a defense mechanism. Yep they pick on their partner but would never handle being picked on. The INFP likely wouldn't pick on the partner anyway, but we can sometimes try to signal in a rather soft way that all the issues they pick on exists in both directions. However this is a veeeery bad idea to do, as the INFJ and avoidant is wired to percieve any criticism as attack even if it's not and meant in a contstructive loving way. Especially when amped up and in high defensive energy and happening over text rather than real life face to face.
It might sound crazy to think INFJs have avoidant attachment style (can also be fearful avoidant, and also I think many infjs with avoidant attachmentstyle will try to think they don't have it). But consider this.. they are highely independent like avoidant personalities, they dislike (eventually) too intense emotions in the beginning of forming a relationship, they don't like to be vulnerable and use armor to protect themselves, they dislike victim mentality and look down upon people who are incel victimized codependent etc (which reflects their distaste for vulnerability and imperfections even if momentary), they (heard this from 3 different INFJs, the exact same line and they believe it is intuition) have relationship problems and think they are only meant to help people grow and then move on to next person (moves from person to person even though they genuinely are loyal and want only their current relationship to work out), they constantly doubt the future of their relationship and think it must be their intuition speaking to them (it's not, instead these are trauma signals most of the time).
I apologize if there is projection here btw, I was hurt afterall, but I love her and I believe I avoided alot of projection ideas due to this. I hope it's true 🙏
INFPs similarly, even though my eyes on this fact is weaker, probably have anxious attachment style. INFJs go to their left brain logic and try to reasonably convince themselves of facts and logic for why the other person is the problem (even though behind this they feel a negative feeling which influence their thoughts, and they don't see that the resentment is a lack of vulnerability. In fact instead they think that they should be allowed to feel whatever they feel which is alright and important to validate, but the real feeling under the resentment is a vulnerable one they refuse to visit because of childhood trauma). INFPs instead go to the right brain and start to feel bad and desparate. I wish I could say more on this part because it's not fair to say that bad stuff is not happening on this part. I'm blind to my own shadows you know :(
I love the INFJ still very very much, I am sad for hurting her without knowing, I didn't even criticise her much at all, I was just too pushy with trying to fix it I suppose.
I know we love each other, I will be waiting for her if she wants
I am an INFP but I only relate partially, yes I used to feel I'm the reason my partner isn't feeling well or upset but I just always ask why they're feeling upset or what's wrong before I jump to conclusions which is something I hate, I always take my time to try to understand rhe situation and ask when necessary.
I always communicate clearly about what's happening and love honestly and clarity so does that not make me an INFP?
I also didn't have a childhood of codependency with my mother in which she would sort of force me to make things better or blame me for whenever she's upset or mad as far as I remember
Thank you
Can this also be an INFj problem if you were raised by a mom with borderline personality- she always projected her stuff on me and I would take it on as my own and want to fix it. I’m trying to figure out if I’m INFj or infp
I think INFj bc I relate more to that, but I definitely have this particular problem.
Not all INFP were enmeshed with a parent. In fact, mine were pretty distant emotionally.
Yeah a big Bias on this. To be honest i learned pretty fast that when someone is mad of sad its on them they feel that way. I should check if i can help by asking or paying attantion on them but again he/she is in that mood not me. In the end its on them to fix it.
Agree. There cannot be assumption that an INFP had a parent whom conducted themselves this way
Can you make a video about green flags in a partner for infp
sooo true
That's so me I'm an infj 😂😂
wow
INFP are great at giving space, pity if you want intimacy or encouragement or affection from an INFP.
Talking about enmeshment as an INFP trait is wrong and irresponsible. That happens to all personality types.
Making videos about personality types means you have to intently dig and parse. Since every personality type can have parents who is emotionally dependent on the child THAT is not an INFP trait. So what is the trait that INFP's have which feels akin to enmeshment to you? Which trait of INFP is the driver of that relational vulnerability? How does having the opposite trait influence the development of relationships, which the INFP will encounter?
This isn't a poor video about INFPs; this is a poor video on enmeshment. It's like a freshman paper where the student borrows information from other classes to fill in ignorance of the topic they're SUPPOSED to be writing on.
Don't quit making content. You've got this
I'm an INFP, and I relate to wanting to merge with a close friend.
But enmeshment is different?
Also, my Fi is responsible for any percieved co-dependency. It's because I care so much.
However, I don't think I personally show it as much as I think about the other person.
What are these "relationship" things you speak of?
Do we born an INFP or we became an INFP?
Hmm, this also sounds a lot like an insecure attachment style
Yas
🙏🙏💕
I think you're explaining an infj than an infp
Why are you talking like that
So true