INFJs and INFPs and “Secret” Relationships
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- Опубліковано 10 кві 2023
- INFJ personality types and INFP personality types both experience romantic obsession. This is common and frequent for many INFJs and INFPs during their lifetime. These types of attractions are categorized as “secret” relationships because either no one knows that the INFJ or INFP has feelings for the person or they don’t know the true extent of those feelings.
These obsessions also happen to INFJs and INFPs who are in committed relationships, and they also remain secret. “Secret” relationships for INFJ and INFP personality types follow same pattern. The INFJ or INFP meets a person of interest and becomes attracted to them, and then begins to idealize them. Once this occurs, a type of romantic obsession is activated within the INFJ personality type or the INFP personality type.
It's common for INFJ personality types and INFP personality types to place all existential needs on the person, which means they may use their relationship or dynamic with the person to delve deeper into their philosophy on the meaning of life, or they may consider the person their “muse,” and become very creatively inspired by them.
Usually, the person will then either reject this role that the INFJ personality type or the INFP personality type has placed them in, or they will disappoint the INFJ or INFP’s expectations of them in this role. The INFJ or INFP is then shattered and heartbroken, and hardly anyone knows this whole cycle just happened because the INFJ or INFP has kept it a secret the entire time it was going on.
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What happened to your eye? Whose ass do I have to come and kick?
I'm an INFP in a 10 year relationship with an INFJ male. We idealized each other for years without the other knowing. We took 6 years to start dating! And because we were so idealizing of each other, we ended up working so hard to live up to each other's standards and apparently never disappointing each other. We have never gotten past the honeymoon phase and our relationship is filled with art.
How did it finally come out that you both liked each other? Did one person admit it first?
I’m an INFP myself with a major crush on an INFJ, but I’m afraid to tell them. 😅
@@Yahoolah58 haha that's so funny. In my personal experience the INFP-INFJ relationship is very intimate and beautiful. I started making myself more available and he took the cue. We started hanging out more frequently. Then one day he suddenly just lunged at my mouth and kissed me. It was both shocking and nice. I think everyone around us could see what was going on more than we wanted to admit, hahaha.
Good luck with your INFJ crush. Really, I just casually started to hang around him and he reciprocated. Because we were friends this was natural. Try doing the same and see if there's any sexual tension. It was so obvious with us that it all fell into place without traditional dating etc.
@@ANDROMEDAtheartist Wow That sounds beautiful! Thank you for sharing! I'll try not to hide away so much 😅
@@Yahoolah58 Good luck
When I fall in love, I am stuck thinking about that person 24/7. To the point that it is hard to function at all. It's sometimes so intense that I can't actually be with that person.
P or j?
I can relate to this, I am j.
@@MsThe90 J
Me too. I am an INFJ and though I don't find it often I know exactly what you mean. It consumes you.
@@mercedesparadisoExactly 💯. I started to say the same exact thing. It is like a drug but I cannot see being any other way. I must do something right though because my exes always chase me for many years or even a decade or more after I move on. I go all in but once I have decided it is over I don't normally go back but one time if that. I also try everything not to lose the feeling and to salvage the relationship while that drive is still there because I know I don't want to lose it after a break up.
Me an INFJ dating an INFP clicking on this video sooo fast 🤣🙊
My husband is infj and I am infp... Going strong for more then 12 years
When she said “muse,” my jaw dropped. Cuff me and take me to jail, I definitely seek a muse
I have muses non stop on repeat 🥹
It's so dangerous to over-expect others' potential. Some people don't have such potential at all. It often happens that you ignore a red flag.🚩 Adjust your expectations to realistic.
I just wanna tell my crush "hey I like you, your personality is cool, but because we don't have the same values + views I have to protect my heart from obsessing over you...
You are absolutely right. I find INFPs just adorable 🥰
As a writer and an artist INFJ I deeply resonated with this. It’s actually awful and painful but it’s also fuel for my art. So often the fantasy is better than the reality so we prefer to dwell there. For me it’s pretty rare to find that special person too so when I do I hold on to it energetically even if it goes nowhere in reality. Usually it’s when you realize the other person does not reciprocate the same intensity and passion that it’s disappointing irl. It would be nice to someday have an actual fulfilling relationship in real life.
Oh to be an idealist, heartbreaking stuff.
You did a previous video about the psychic connection between the INFJ and the object of their affection. I've got a story related to that. I once had a crush on a co-worker that went on for a couple of years. This guy was involved with someone else when I met him, but being an INFJ, I thought there was no harm in crushing on him. Anyway, I had this experience where I had to go to an intense work training thing that lasted a couple of days. The final day of training was 10 hours and by the time I walked out, I was wiped out. Absolutely zonked. I was capable of driving home, but that was about it. I didn't have a thought in my freakin head, I was so wide open. My head was actually buzzing with this empty energy. As I walked to my car I saw my crush guy off in the distance. But again, I wasn't honestly capable of any real thought or feeling about this guy at that moment. So I got in my car and as I started to leave, I had to pass him again. I paused to look both ways before pulling out of the parking lot and as I did, I got hit with this deep wave of emotion. I know it wasn't coming from me. I literally couldn't have produced those feelings at that moment to save my life. The feeling that I got coming from this guy, which hit me like a tidal wave, was the most soul-crushing loneliness. Nothing like anything I'd personally experienced before. And the essence of the feeling was a deep, pervasive hopelessness, and I knew he didn't believe it love. He was never gonna experience it or ever be able to return it, because he fundamentally did not believe it existed. Being an INFJ, of course, I couldn't let go of my crush. But ultimately when he did finally leave my life, it was just as well. I knew he could never be anything in the real world to me, not even a friend. It was the weirdest thing, I saw right to the bottom of his soul. And sadly, he didn't have it in him.
Oh my God that sounds equally amazing and terrifying. But I must applaud you for moving on. As infjs we are such people pleasers and saviours, we literally wanna make everyone feel comfortable and seen and heard. It would had been so easy to fall onto that place of you trying to save him. Glad you decided to not do anything . I feel bad for him though 😢
@@OzmaOfOzz I wish I deserved your praise, I still tried to save him in my imagination. LOL
@@cynthiajohnson9412 study about “love and limerence” by dorathy. Also there is lot of good videos about limerence in UA-cam’s too.
@@cynthiajohnson9412 you do deserve it! You tried in your imagination, that is so relateable, I so empathise with it, cause I am the same 🙈 but you did not act on it in real life and moved on, so it's still a positive and healthy behaviour! ❤️
@@OzmaOfOzz Thanks. I have a cure for limerance that I used in this case. For some reason this guy reminded me just a little of the vice principal disciplinarian at my junior high school, whom I could not stand. I couldn't put my finger on why that is, but anyway every time I started to muse on this guy, I'd quickly just substitute into my head the vice principal I despised in my youth. Within a week and a half I was cured of my infatuation. Lol. Pick a quality that you really don't like about the object of your affection and then substitute in someone whom you despise with that same quality in abundance. Kind of like being forced to smoke three packs of cigarettes until you puke to cure you of the urge to smoke.
Omg! Infj here😂 “Guilty” as charged😂… but also, I’m in a committed relationship with an infp. And before I came across this video I had feelings of 11:21 and I wanted to talk with him about all of it…….but………. (😂) he ended up door slamming that conversation with me and I respected him for it😂😂😂.
This video has been helpful thank you for helping me release lots more of the shame and guilt I can feel.
Enfj here. This behavior did harm me. Infp wanted to be with me but had a fantasy relationship about someone else at the same time, then once i wasnt inspiring anymore they dumped me and kept popping back into my life every 6 months for the past 2 years trying to be get platonic friendship when i already said i couldnt do that every time i was asked. Having been in love with them it was extremely painful and damaging to be continuosly offered what seemee like reconciliation only to realize it was not going to happen. Sadly I've grown to mistrust him each time this boundary was broken, and its dampened my views on letting someone that close again into my creative sphere.
As an infp I don't wanna be associated with her or him this is a flaw of character and has nothing to do with their MBTI and I'm so sorry you had to experience that.
@@safiaelbiaze7258I second this. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
That infp was stupid with an evil mindset personal values.Look I am an infp so I love being around enfj it's true the emotional connection of mine with them is weak but its entertaining and i trust them a lot their way of planning and making thinks done.They r quite encouraging.I don't know how enfj feels after a heartbreak but can say infp would be perfectly alright so just get rid of that infp.
Different infp has different moral values and they are different from one another.some one with a moral value of not cheating with partner and stick till the last will actually be with u.But who thinks that it's okay to let someone enter and break the other commited ones will not feel guilt trust me.The guilt that they feel they will pay you with a gift or sorry finish They think its done.
@@safiaelbiaze7258 you guys love to point fingers at others and call them this that based on your experiences with a particular mbti type. But god forbid anyone talks about their shitty experiences with your type.
I have had many such relatiionships. Sometimes, they've been mutual . Most of the time, there has been no desire to flesh them out, because, it would ruin what is.
i think she's speaking of limerence. i'm an infj and i have this bad. a lot of time, it fades over time once you are with the person, should you get with them. they can never live up to the fantasy.
I read The INFJ Revolution and it made me feel understood in so many areas. What stuck the most, and has shifted how I frame everything, is realizing with a more-objective awareness, that I am an intuitive in a society made for sensors. Didn't know you had a youtube channel until I found this vid! Subscribed \m/
Great vid! I can relate somewhat to the experience (especially while a profoundly meaningful 4 year relationship was inevitably ending due to a sad pretense that hijacked us, and misunderstandings, and no hope of communicating around our personalities and the complexities that had stacked up, and we never did fix our shit; I gather she was an ESFJ), but in general so much of this maps onto my unrealistic dreams.. within this realistic dream 🤣. INFJ-T, NVLD, dy/dt, 9, butt
So true. I’ve done this before but couldn’t understand why. Thank you for elaborating explanation.
man I felt like I was getting read like an absolute book here that was quite unnerving
As an INFJ, i had an INFP friend who had a hard crush on me. I could feel how he was puttin me on a pedestal. I kept telling him i wanna take things slow, see if theres physical attraction too, etc.
I told him to stop romanticising me, im not perfect and I make mistakes as everyone else does. No chance. The moment i rejected him, i fell hard from that pedestal because i wasnt living up to his romantic ideal and image he made in his head. The friendship ended abruptly, had to block him on all communication channels possible. It was just so toxic. Unhealthy infp s can be so clingy and unhealthy infj can be such enablers of this behavior (as in poor u infp im gonna take care of u). It can easily become co dependent.
Ive also had many crushes like this in my head but mostly kept silent about them lol.
Are u an infj or an enfj ?
Hi, I'm an INFP and also have a deep crush with an INFJ girl. She said exactly the same as you: that she feels anxious when I idealize her, that I have to stop "chasing" her. Our relationship became a bit toxic, she treated me like shit because I was so annoying. Last week I told her that I needed to stop, to keep distance, to learn how to love myself again. She said something that broke my expectations. I felt broken but I needed that, to stop the chasing and the obsession. I blocked her. I still love her, with my soul, but I know that we need to be apart, at least for now. You INFJs have something that mesmerizes us.
yeah it's heartbreaking actually when mbti forums make us seem like someone with no flaws. It's like bam, instant anxiety to be "perfect". Now the slightest of mistakes that are very human are gonna seem like "infjs are just fake people"
But i shud tell u something, it's usually xntps who do that to us not xnfps.
INFP here, in a 15 years relationship with an INFJ. This is one of the main reasons she felt betrayed by me, as an INFJ she was able to detect those vibes straight away. Seems that admitting and appologising were not enough to fix things. This issue combined with her midlife crisis and other external problems led her to detatch emotionally, seek distance and personal time.
It's such a difficult phase we are going through, I really don't know were it will lead us but I'm willing to do the best inorder to save it.
If you are having a "secret" relationship with someone your spouse doesn't know about that is a problem. If it feels "secret" there is a reason because emotional cheating is more about the emotion you feel for the other person than it does about the topics of conversations you have with them.
This was so good. I can't even begin to list all the people I have had a secret. largely one sided love affair with in my 5 decades of life! You are right that we are always looking for a person to inspire us. We are always looking through the mass of people until we again find that one person that speaks to us in some way and then we focus in on them intensely, mostly from afar. The internet makes that easier than ever. Then we meet that person or get to know them better and suddenly the light dims and we begin to lose some of our regard for the person. Before long we realize that they are not what we had imagined and our heart sinks and we plunge back into our search for the next shining star. We really have to try to become our own star and cease this energy draining quest to find some "other" to fill us up!😊
You have no idea how much I needed this.
Wow. Never thought I'd hear this talked about here, but it definitely hit me spot on.
I have these fleeting deep attraction infatuations like this, maybe six or so I can count over decades of an otherwise solid and wonderful 30+ year marriage and frankly I am shocked to hear there's nothing wrong with this.
I always end up dealing with such massive guilt weeks into my thoughts, even tho I have never followed up with one of these ever and never voiced my thoughts to anyone once. But I see the clear pattern over the years, now at 65 and so I just lean in and power thru the cycle of feelings and cover up.
Otherwise just thought this was typical for most humans and like so many others out there, you just end up pushing it down and suppressing it till it subsides. But wow, what a revelation to hear Laurens post.
Great information on these MBTI relationships! I stumbled upon your channel through the UA-cam algorithm today. Thanks for sharing! 🌟🌟🌟
I wish more ppl would talk abt this. I'm so glad you brought this up. I've been going through this for so many years and can't seem to put a label on it. Because it's kind of platonic but affectionate in some ways. Also, I don't want to feel like I'm 'emotionally cheating' like you said, because it's a different kind of interaction happening on a different platform. I'm still rooting for those people who have helped me grow over the years. They're precious to me, albeit not romantically.
Wait, you guys . . . have y'all heard of limerence? 😅 Causeeee this is it. :)
Not all obsession is limerence.
Your insights are wonderful! "They tell no one." Sometimes, a notable exception is that object of their affection. Reciprocation of appreciation can be a good result, and it can take some time for real personal sharing to grow between the two, depending on circumstances. A result can be genuine love and respect which grows and deepens. I don't think guilt can really show up when the internal stuff is squared away.
So accurate. I am glad I am not the only one doing this.
I think a better title is Secret "Relationships"
Wow, this hits me harder than I thought. Finally someone is able to talk abt this in such an enlightening manner. This is exactly how I've been feeling... The guilt, the excitement... These have no names for years... YEARSSS... and someone of my kind finally acknowledges this and actually talk abt it. I feel seen, thank you 🙏🙏❤️❤️
Thank you for making this video. You've put into words a cycle I've frustratingly experienced many times throughout my life. And more importantly, thank you for normalizing it. Like you've said, I feel weird and wrong with obsessing over people I barely know, thank you for helping me not feel so alone. I also love what you said about muses, because that's absolutely what's going on, it's inspiration cycle!
Glad I discovered your channel!
May I say you look great in yellow! Love your channel. Very keen insights for me as an INFJ.
First time viewer, I'm an INFJ and you made me feel very seen 😅 Instant subscribe; I look forward to more!
I like it so much that you use the word pattern so much in your vids. As an INFJ my whole world is about patterns. 😌🤫
I stopped giving a care if it's limerance or not 😂 Let me be delusional for a little bit. Who knows what could take place? I'm quite romantic & optimistic 🌹
I like how you think 😂
I'm an INFJ, and I currently have one of these secret relationships with another INFJ, and she feels the same way about me. We are both alike in every possible way. We even have the same zodiac signs, both sun and moon. We're both Libra/Pisces. Our love languages are exactly the same. We're both deeply empathic and deeply emotional, and we understand each other and make each other feel seen and heard in ways nobody else can.
We've known each other for a year now, and never had any sort of argument or even slight disagreement. There has been drama and misunderstandings in our friend group, and even smear campaigns against me by narcissists and abusers - and she is the only one who stayed by my side the whole way through and trusred me 100%. She has never once doubted me or suspected me in any way. Where others accuse me of lying, she knows I am completely authentic and genuine.
We both believe we were meant to be together, that we are soulmates and if we were together, we would make each other happy for the rest of our lives. Even some of our friends have told me that we are perfect for each other, and they can't see us ever having any problems with each other.
However... We are both in relationships already. And we both love our partners very, very much. They don't always understand us the way we understand each other, or fulfil every need that we have, like we do for each orher... But we are still deeply in love with our respective partners, and neither of us wants to leave them. We want to make our relationships work. We don't want to hurt anyone. Yet we also wish we met sooner, so we could be together.
The thing is though... We both feel guilty for even having these thoughts. Feeling this kind of love for somebody else, even if it feels right, it feels wrong too. Thinking somebody else would be better for me than my current partner is very painful for so many reasons. It almost makes it hard to look at her because I feel like I'm hurting her, even though she doesn't know. How could I wish to be with someone else, when the girl I love is right here with me?
The other INFJ feels exactly the same, like she's betraying her girlfriend, and we both cry about these feelings because we're both very sensitive and emotional.
It's like... If only we could both be together... but that's basically wishing our partners away, and that makes us feel very bad because we love them with all our hearts. This is so comfusing and complicated...
Clicked on this so fast 😂
However, i think ENTP's are super good at sniffing this out and bringing the ideation back to planet earth 😸 speaking from experience there
And then... The fun can really begin!
HalleluYah What an Good explainion I'm an INFJ And I Know i girl who's an INFP my secret love for us would be similar to what your describing here you know.
Lol like every time? 😂 It was kind of hilarious that my INFP and I had a secret relationship where we both knew we liked each other, and didn’t know if it was reciprocated because existing relationships… then for years just mutual friends of friends. Plus I have a feeling I know more INFPs…
Omg 😮 you are brilliant.
OMG you know me too well and everything you say is gold not kidding
Oh my God. I'm doing this right now with my esoteric guide. Lol.
I've realized that I idealize him and adore him. Love him. He inspires me like no one else and I feel so bad about it. I'd never tell him how I really feel about him because I don't want to cross boundaries or seem weird or intrusive. He is also much younger than me. I wouldn't want to impose myself on him. Eek!!
I guess it's fear of rejection but I think it's more that I feel like my feelings are inappropriate. I try to keep them in check but damn it he makes me want to be better and grow.
But I don’t want to let go.💔
I speak only from my experience, but I feel that intimacy is very amplified for INFJ's, and empaths in general. We feel on such high levels that it's always very intense; moreover, I think there are few of us that do intimacy halfway. The allure of sexual pleasure should really be put on hold while two people get to know each other. A self care that has been somewhat lost in modern culture. The heart is a multi-dimensional interface with our creator ❤ As we're perhaps in ascension processes, it can be a gateway to higher consciousness.
Thank you
I am an ENFP who has had an INFP bestie for 25 years. We have recently started dating, and he confessed to me that he’s had a crush on me for 20 of those years. Even through my marriage and death of my husband (who passed 4 years ago). I never knew.
I can tell now (based on this video and some things he has said to me) that he has idealised me, and I can only hope that I can live up to that in reality. Not going to lie, I am scared. But all we can do is try and see what happens… Thank you for this video. It has scared me more lol, but also heartened me. I want to know my partner better, and this has helped me. Thank you xx
Update?
Do fictional characters count?😅
Yes, I've crushed hard on a few fictional characters!
Thanks
So true...
I thought everyone was like this..?
As some one who has been this person x 3 with friends- I don’t think it’s fair to encourage this.
There is a fine line between fantasy and having it blur into reality- those left behind or subtly punished in a passive way are collateral damage and left feeling as though they did something wrong
I don't think anybody is encouraging this, and we don't actively do this to hurt other people... it's kind of painful for us also because we're always attached to somebody that will never exist or give us the love we need.
I understand your struggle (well as much as I can through understanding cognitive functions) as an enfp I have always been drawn to these types- guess it can hurt on all sides - I loved / love all three of these humans , I see the value in their minds and hearts… the old saying “hurt people hurt people”
I just had no idea they were hurting
Oh my lord it’s true
What if this dynamic is going between an INFJ and an INFP?
What would emotional cheating look like to an INFP if it isn’t this behaviour? My partner had these secret relationships on numerous women and it really hurt me throughout our relationship. It felt like cheating to me- as an ENFJ I was wholly focused on my partner and this felt like a complete betrayal of my trust and our relationship when I found out. Why would my partner want to imagine a life with someone else when they’re supposed to be in a committed relationship? Are they unable to feel emotionally committed to only one person?
It sounds like what you are describing is limerence.
Would you say there may be a problem if the only relationships you've had are fantasy ones?
Probably the best thing to do is to say stop to this secret relationship which has no solution as nothing realistic and constructive can be built.
Life is too short and as there are so many things to do more, keeping a romantic link by distance just for an pinch of pleasures and sensations can’t last in that way.
Never force anything especially if one of both only loves an image but rather be frank, be bold, be honest, be true and sincere and that’s it.
The real fact it’s not the secret and the strong relationship, it’s probably more the way of life vision as a duo.It’s certainly not fair and respectful.
Distance romantic relationship can’t last without realistic meeting especially in a digital world. It’s my point of view.
This is very strange … i am an infp (i used to be an infj) and it is very true this is how i tend to feel
Idk if the message helped. I still feel guilty for being so close to people 😅
Glad to know it not just me but I refuse to accept these secret worlds are all perfectly safe no matter how intriguing. 😑😑😑
I’ve never felt so seen.
?I am currently in a "secret" situationship............🤣🤣🤣🤣
💯💯💯💯
Every time I take a personality test and answer truthfully INFP comes up. A nightmare as I just don't care much for the traits we're supposed to have. Look at this video - the idealisation of someone from afar to inspire us to creative heights. Yes it happens (more in youth), but the person we're meant to idealise is really just a vessel for our own aspirations of love. Yuk!
I would love an INFP female too (INFJ)
Limerance is what this is called
limerence is a problem. it's just another unhealthy coping mechanism. i stopped thinking about this person as much (because i was getting healthier and journaling), until my grandma died. i started calling him all of the time until he wasn't living up to my idealized version of him again and then i'd disappear. then the mourning would become unbearable and i'd call him, or he'd call me and the cycle would restart. i wasn't thinking about my grandma as much when we were talking. it filled some weird void. the idealized version of him before i had him filled a greater void. i let Jesus fulfill those voids as well as productivity now. ppl with limerence should maybe ask themselves what void is limerence filling? what feelings or thoughts are they escaping from?
Underrated comment, thank you.
Sounds like a toxic cycle I don't want to be involved in.
Yup. HMU
Shame and cheating on their partner? I don't understand what she's talking about. She's talking about a cheating person. Why? That's not normal.
😮🫣
the thought is free, but not.
Just a little constructive feedback you can just say “INFs” instead of repeating “INFJ and INFP” over and over again.
Also you might direct us to a video as to why you lump both types into so much of the same stuff because cognitively they have nothing to do with one another.
I get where you’re coming from but would like to hear more about how you came to this conclusion. .
She is telling lies its actually wrong to cheat with partner emotionally.
Infj can talk to anyone. Infp cannot.
Infp are heavily immersed in their opinions and beliefs. They cannot bend to anyone else.
Infj love to see everyone’s point of views and make a judgement.
Infj are counsellors for reason. They see both sides of the same coin. Infp are purely immersive in their own thoughts. Big difference. I know an infp and see this.
Infp are purely the outsider in the mbti. They don’t have the insights to see what others think, however most other personality are the same.
Infj are a rare kind. Gifted at psychology and the human mind
hm.. sure you’re not an infp then?
@@emer4lds yes I’m 100 percent sure. Infj are black to infp white. Infp are more into their ideals and very dreamy people. They have a belief they stick to it Infj seem to be always in the middle somewhere. On both sides where it meets their opinions and values so to speak
Quite correct....the INFP believes and convinces themselves that they care about others but they are SO consumed by their own emotions and beliefs that they rarely know how to for others it seems....they continually confuse their feelings for other's feelings. An INFJ usually confuses others feelings with their own and only reverses that when they are occasionally caught up in an extreme scenario like obsession....and even when in limerance they can do it with their subject. THAT idealizing and need to be inspired by the other and obsession is definitely a mirrored thing with them however.
I know it's a bit taboo, but I think most of us just need to admit that we are meant to be polyamorous
never
No, we're not.
No, not me at all(INFP)
It's hard to meet someone who can fulfill this
Uuuf no thanks.
"Youre not emotionally cheating in your romantic obessession" yes you are.
Naaa you cant control your emotions. If you dont seek out interaction with that person, there is no emotional cheating because you dont entertain the feelings with actions.
it took me just 8 or 9 years to step back for such a pseudo-relationship. Why? Because it took me 8 years to meet the person outside of work and it was terrible. Okay, only extremely disappointing -_- (also I see way too much the potential ... and I am naive - she also told me, she is a writer. She wasn't - isn't.)
(not helping, that I saw her as my muse ... I feel seen by your video, thank you? 🥸)