Are We Done Having Kids? *Emotional Topic*
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- Опубліковано 27 жов 2024
- We are a rainbow family documenting our journey.
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As a retired developmental psychotherapist, I started off my career knowing that each child needs an enormous amount of attention. What I didn't fully grasp then is how much each child needs a high level of specialized attention, called attunement. This is really important, and the more children in a family, the harder it is to do. So, a good yard stick is to really listen deeply to yourself and stop when you get a sense that you are likely to feel perennially stretched. Many of my clients came from families where their parents were often too depleted to pay attention to their children, let alone attunement to them. It says a lot about who you two are, that you are really examining the question deeply and carefully.
Wow, that’s really helpful advice! Thank you, Carol!
This is SO well said. It's clear the Scotts could financially support another child. What they have to decide is if they will have the time, energy, and desire, realistically, to give each child the emotional attention each child needs. It will be a different answer for every couple, no matter how cute babies are. I'm a retired early childhood educator and social worker who spent many years in child protective service. I'm also the foster / adoptive mother of a ( now adult ) special needs child. Finally, I was in foster care much of my youth because of my mom's schizophrenia. As such, let me tell you that EVERY child who is brought into this world deserves to be wanted and nurtured.
I think also depends on the spacing! I have 4 but 10 year gap then 14 months. and then 6 almost 7 years.... So young adult. 2 elementary and one baby. NOW 4 all at once or closer or even THREE in like 7 years time would be too much for me. So for me it's the spacing not the #. ❤
@@GreatScotts Have you thought about doing a surrogate if you want more kid's
@@GreatScotts I can’t imagine what a difficult decision this is for both of you! Regardless, it will be the right decision! Sending much love and peace to you!
You’ll always have a little wistfulness for the baby days, even when you are “done”. It’s not an all or nothing. I have 3 kids, originally we thought we’d have 4, but after the 3rd I felt pretty “done”. Now they are all grown (23, 21 and 19). Having older children is so, so lovely. Teenagers are fabulous (hard times but also lots of joy). You reach a point where you find a peacefulness with the fact that chapter has closed, but the book is still being read. That doesn’t mean that you never miss those little people, or have moments of doubt, but life is so full as your kids get older. ❤❤
Wow, I love that sentiment. "That chapter is closed, but the book is still being read." Thank you!
This is so beautifully said! I completely agree. ❤❤
The same questions can arise when you so easily can conceive. I wanted to have many children. We were very young, immature, inexperienced immigrants. I had quickly 2 little boys, 18 mo. apart. Even though we struggled, couldn’t speak English well, I LOVED being a Mom. But, we had to quickly grow up as I physically got weaker and financially struggled seriously. A very wise mature Dr. sat down with us and helped us to be rational about having more children, at least while being in our early 20’s, and helped us along. We grew up and focused on building ourselves up so we could lead our boys on a best educational path and opportunity we never had growing up. It was the hardest (for me to accept) but the BEST decision. They grew up as fine educated professionals, and are fathers of 3 fine college children each.
I am sure that many young families struggle with ‘family building’ decisions. I admire each who take those considerations serious as so much is at stake in creating human life.
I so LOVE your thoughtful, open, sensitive discussions! Beautiful family - viewed through the eyes from an ‘old Oma (82)’ ❤❤
My daughter and her husband (after two and a half years of infertility) had their first child, a daughter on 7th December. IVF babies are pure Blessings, gifts and wonders. 💗🙏💜
All children are a gift from God. Psalms 127:3
My daughter is Dec 7th baby too!
Aww my birthday is December 7th too
@@donnazasgoat2274reps want to take all our rights & choices away!!
It's crazy how much Shay seems so much more natural and relaxed now after most of the change. You can someone relieved, and seeing someone with such support and love is great.
"Ethically" what works for you, is the most ethical. This is your life and you have a right to live it how you chose. I feel that whatever you decide, it will be o.k., it truly will. I am enjoying your journey and I must say thank you for sharing these deeply personal things with us. Wishing you peace in this holiday season.
We had a difficult time having children as I had a sexual development problem ( intersex) . It took 7 years for the first child and another six years for the second child. Shortly after I developed form of testicular -ovarian cancer. With all that came so many surgeries and chemo. These changed me greatly. Im both male and female and we welcome our children.
Same here.
After my 4th baby I just new this would be my last one.. but in your situation and knowing you still have two more embryos, I would 100% use both of them and embrace the possibilities of having two more children ❤❤
Same. I would definitely just use both and see what happens ❤️
The pure Love and Respect you two have for each other is so evident. I strongly feel that often the Universe decides for us on little and huge things . Shay,being emotional and tearing up is not a negative. Being caring and sensitive is not a negative. NOT being yourself is a negative. Following you from Canada 🇨🇦,Minding my own business,not yours,lol .Have a lovely Holiday Season.
It was hard coming to terms of not becoming a mother, but I have learned to be content with my life as it turned out. Don’t get me wrong, there are moments that are still incredibly hard when I see others who didn’t struggle in the way I did, but that is life right? Life didn’t promise me a rose garden, after all.
I have to say one thing, you two make stunningly beautiful children, and not only that, they are bright. I would say if you could afford it mentally and financially more of you would be a good thing, but only you can make that decision. What a lovely family, getting to know you is an experience of how to love unconditionally. Thank you for sharing Shaye and Amanda, whatever you choose to do it's 100% supported.❤️
100% agree to all of this!
We had infertility with our first. Our second was also a surprise. They’re 14 months apart. We felt maxed out! I never had that feeling of being done either. We decided to try for #3 when they were 6 & 7. I worried about feeling like we started over, but it hasn’t felt that way. He immediately fit right into our family and our older children were so amazed at watching him grow and experience his firsts. They never got to do that since they were so close. After #3 we still didn’t have that feeling of being done. We felt like maybe we should be, but then also felt like our littlest was missing out on the bond the older two had. I thought about those early days of parenting and how hard that was having two little ones so close in age. Even though I didn’t feel done, I thought, maybe we should be. Little did I know…at that very moment…I was already pregnant. Another surprise baby! We went for the ultrasound at 9 weeks and found out I was carrying twins! We almost stopped at 3 and now we were having 5! Our youngest was 19 months old when they were born. Now we’ve officially made it impossible to have more. I still never got that feeling people talk about. Where they just know they are done, but I also don’t feel like anyone is missing like I did after 3 was born. I felt more like, we can financially afford to provide for 5, we can fit 5 in one vehicle, I couldn’t imagine putting my kids through another pregnancy, and while I may be ok with having 6, I’m not not ok with having 7. Now that my body is pumping them out two at a time, that wasn’t a risk we were willing to take.
My oldest would have been 46 in April. My youngest is 4! I have a total of 14, not all bio but they are all mine! Said all that to say there are children of all ages that need a loving home, and if adoption isn’t a right fit you can start slow by becoming a foster family! I love my beautiful life I’m just feeling way too old to have a tiny little 4 year old lol.
Grandbabies are the best and something to look forward to. You will have that baby experience again, when you're nice and ready for it. Highly recommend!
Their kids are really young. It's a lot of pressure to put on those kids to act like there's a guarantee any of them will have kids of their own. More and more people of younger generations aren't choosing to have kids, and that's okay.
I have adult kids. It's their life, their decision.
Every aspect of being done with the having babies stage of life was full of unexpected grief for me. EVERY aspect. It raised so many issues I didn't even know I had, or even might have at some point. So - yeah, a roller coaster. Sending you strength and love as you navigate this journey, together and separately. It's very real, not easy, and kind of messy. Hugs.
I'm in a same sex marriage. We both wanted a lot of kids after being raised in the church. Obviously it wasn't easy for us to have kids and it was quite the journey. I had our first and got pregnant the 1st try using IUI and donor sperm. After a few years we wanted to try again. This time it wasn't easy. I tried for months with no success so my wife started trying too. She got pregnant this time. Our kids were 5 years apart and we thought we were done. When our 2nd kid was 4, I just felt like I wanted to try again and that if it worked out our 2nd and 3rd would be 5 years apart too. We decided to give it 6 months and if it worked great! If not then we week be done. Well 6 months came and went and it didn't work. We said one more try. On month 7 it worked! So now we have 3 kids each 5 years apart and it felt perfect and we felt done. IVF is not always guaranteed and you guys seem really torn. You should do one last try with both embryos and see what happens. Whatever is meant to be will be! It's such a hard decision. I love being pregnant and I love babies so much, I didn't think I'd ever feel done, but I finally did after our 3rd.
I knew I was done. I would lean toward embryo adoption rather than disposing or donating to science
I was thinking about that too if it feels too hard or wrong to discard healthy embryot.
@@teijaflink2226🙄🙄🙄🙄only in America do people think it’s ok to give their opinion on what’s “right” or “wrong” for other people!! It’s insane!!
We have 4 children, the first 3 were 2 yrs apart, we thought we were done & happy with our decision, then 7yrs later, “surprise you’re not done yet”. I had many emotions at 37 & expecting, disbelief, scared, acceptance then excitement. They were a gift to us & now as adults a gift to the world❤
Your videos are so very thoughtful and honest and vulnerable. I think we often know what we believe is right for our family BUT the heart always has a tug for the baby days. My advice or comment - is just to enjoy your kids as they get older. It truly becomes more and more richly textured. Be as present in the now as possible. And donation to science is a lovely thing to do since it will only advance IVF and infertility treatment processes for future people who need some medical science to help them create their families. Whatever you do - as you say - all valid. But thank you for bringing up sensitive topics that so very many people are going through. And you’re also doing a great service by the LGBTQ + community as IVF etc is often the way they can create families if that is what they desire. I’ll just add too for everyone: adoption is a really beautiful choice as well. Older kids especially need good loving homes. So nothing is easy and nothing is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. We all just follow our heart-mind-body-soul. ☮️❤️🌷
As a retired CPS worker, who also worked in California adoptions, thanks for bringing up that option. I couldn't have children naturally because of having cancer earlier., but there are many valid ways to create a family and so many children who need a home. I ended up adopting.
I have so much respect for both of you. I am currently teaching my daughter to be a women, as I grieve the loss of my son. It’s the hardest most loving transition.
I love being a mom, I gave everything of myself, but having a large family I was shamed for having so many kids, i have 7, yet now as they are all adults there all very successful at there jobs and being parents themselves now.
I think you do what's right for you and your family, being a parent is no small task it takes enormous amount of patience, but when you see them grow up and live a good life, you know you did your best. That's the blessing
You were the one to take care of them and give them what they needed! What works for one doesn’t always for another, people are mean and say mean stupid things. Here’s to 7 kids ! Cheers❤
With 3 kids, there is a good chance that you will be grandparents one day. Grandkids are a special blessing to look forward to.
I was raised LDS, left at 18 years old. My views of motherhood used to be very wrapped up with my lds upbringing. It was so difficult for me to be okay with our decision to stop at 2 children. I knew it was the right decision and that my body would bot handle another pregnancy but I had this leaking feeling that I was responsible for bringing these little souls to earth even as a non believer. It was so hard on me but now that my youngest is 10 years old, I am confident the decision to stop at 2 kids was the right one for us. Being authentic with yourselves and trusting your decisions can be hard in post mormon life.
I had two children. I don't know how parents who have more find the ways to make it to school functions, extracurricular activities that the children have a passion for, time to help with homework, one on one time, heart to heart discussions. Quality time is SO important. And time for your own individual interests as well as having time to nurture your marriage is equally important. God bless you if you can have more children and have the stamina to offer all that is needed. Oh and let's not forget to mention your careers. I know you both love what you do.
Shae, because I have followed Five To Love for 6 years, I know that you came from a large family. How did you feel as a child? Did you and your siblings receive all you desired in the way of time & nurturing?
You are such wise and compassionate people, you will make the right decision for yourselves and your children. 🙏✌️♥️
I too left the LDS church at 18 and now have been married nearly 8 years.. I will be 32 this year and still have no children. It's still difficult to wrap my head around due to my upbringing. We are very unsure if we will have kids and if you asked me at 20 I wanted at least 4 by this age. I go back and forth about it every day.
It's a strange thing and is still hard for me. I met my husband when we were 34 and each had a child from a previous marriage. I had tried 3 years to get pregnant with my son and desperately wanted more children. A year into our relationship I had a miscarriage from an unplanned pregnancy which was hard but at the same time my health was deteriorating so we were not sure if having another child was a good idea. It took me a few more years to accept I was done. That was nearly 6 years ago and it was undoubtedly the right choice as my health kept worsening so I can't imagine trying to parent a young child right now and we're enjoying the freedom having older kids, but I regularly feel sad at never having a biological child with my husband. Like I wasn't emotionally done, but physically and practically done. So I definitely understand how you both feel and get why it must be even harder with having embryos. I've accepted that part of me will always feel a bit sad while knowing it was the right choice. Maybe that's how things will be for you. Sending love.
My sister and I are twelve years apart. I can't imagine never knowing her. God Bless you both ❤
Would love to hear more about Amanda’s journey with endo. If you’re willing to share such a personal experience! As I’m currently waiting to see a doctor about it and possibly getting diagnosed with it.
Your honesty and integrity are an inspiration to me:). Keep showing up:). You bring such light to me and to our world!
Only you two can answer this question. We have 4 daughters, all grown now and two granddaughters. Motherhood is an extraordinary gift and ride! LOL
You are both wonderful and will bless as many or the three you already have. Thank you for being you! ❤️❤️
One way to think about this might be thinking in terms of the “surprise perimenopause baby.” In a way to translate that into your embryo situation, perhaps you two can write down a number for annual storage fees and IF the storage fee exceeds that number, then you will implant one or both embryos if you are under X age. If you have entered menopause you can donate them or your ethical belief mandates. Since storage costs usually increase by an unknown amount every year, due to cost of living increases, if you two agree to tie it to a number you don’t directly control then you can feel like there is a bit of “fate” within the choice. Also, if either of you have siblings with infertility issues you can donate the embryos to your sibling so you know the child is being raised in a family you know and trust.
I was diagnosed with endometriosis when I was 15 and I learned that my eggs were non-existent when I was 30. The DAY we learned this we drove straight to our adoption lawyer’s office and we saw, on video, that afternoon the then 10 year old Guatemalan boy we would formally adopt about a year later. That boy is now 32 years old and a father himself. ICSI (one step beyond IVF) didn’t work for my body and I really wish I had the experience of knowing what it was like carrying a child but it wasn’t meant to be. Instead, we adopted an older child and we also fostered a number of teenage boys for years at a time.
Clarity is such a huge Gift. I pray for clarity for myself alot and now I will pray for you both to have peace in your heart one way or another. You are such a gorgeous couple with a beautiful family! Happy Holidays. I look forward to seeing your next post.
As a grandmother of three, you get to experience your babies all over again when you have grandbabies, just an FYI it’s not gone forever❤️
If you have grandkids. Many with few children end up nowadays with few or even no grandchildren at all. Everything has changed from being about the children to being about the adults. Which seems to result in few children.
My dad always says people who expect grandkids from their kids didn’t enjoy their kids enough. It’s really damaging to put this weight and your wishes on your children , just because you chose to not have more kids. It’s their life and not everyone has kids these days.
@@aj_usnobody ever said or hinted that 😂
Obviously, a person isn’t guaranteed anything in this life. As a mother of four, I would absolutely love to have grandchildren. Odds are, it’ll probably happen. But if it doesn’t, I would be totally fulfilled and support whatever choice my children make.
My daughter (24), is sure she doesn’t desire motherhood. My oldest son is almost 22, and is still young and not sure what the future will bring. My youngest are autistic and I highly doubt one (they are twins), ever has children. I love the idea of grandchildren but desiring grandchildren doesn’t mean I expect my children to procreate, especially to their own detriment. I don’t understand why you chose to take the worst possible scenario and apply her comment to that.
Donate to someone that can't have any. What a beautiful gift to give.
But the genetically they have two children out here in the world … and they’re not okay with not taking care of their own children
That's a bit glib. It's far more complicated, rationally and emotionally, than that.
Two kids early, then one unplanned pregnancy 5 years later that ended in a second trimester miscarriage. We knew we were done-we couldn’t go through losing another pregnancy. I occasionally wished we had one more and wondered how our lives would have been with that third child, but realistically, with my emotional makeup, I knew 2 were enough for me. Now those 2 are married with 2 wonderful kids each, and my oldest is now a grandma-I am a great-grandma!
It’s a very hard decision. I had my son, then two late miscarriages and 4.5 years later I had my daughter. I wanted more but my now ex husband didn’t want to go through any problems if I should have them and realistically he was 9 yrs older than me so he wasn’t looking to have more children in his 40s. I’m a grandmother now and I still wish I had more
Thank you for this video. My husband and I have 2 biological children. We planned for them, and had simple conception, pregnancy and birth. But our older daughter has severe life long disability from an unexpected illness immediately after birth. And one day after the birth of our second daughter my husband was hospitalized for his severe and chronic mental illness. Our second child was very young when we chose for my husband to have a vasectomy. I grieve as I dream of a third baby in our family. But I simply can't keep us afloat if I have another life to care for. So this is where I find myself now. My girls are 6 and 8 years old.
I think your discussion about two more embryos is very fascinating and complicated and yes, full of ethical quagmire. I wish you peace and clarity in whatever path you choose.
Thank you for this video.
My parents didn't show interest in myself or my brother, I grew up knowing the impact of that. I chose to have a single child, determined to do a great job with one, instead of having to divide resources among more than one. But I love kids and part of my dream could have been many kids honestly, so I've never been completely comfortable with my choice. I have done a great job with my son. I also have a ton of love left to give. I followed my intellect, as I was raised to do. But my intuitions are much more reliable than my intellect. Look into your heart, is my advice.
I have 4 grown sons. Still.. its hard for us sometimes knowing that part of our lives is over. I didnt necessarily want more kids. I just grieved the closed door of.my fertility, new beginnings. Its a sense of mortality.
I have five precious children through adoption. After our fifth child, I just knew I was done. We were complete.
Clearly neither of you is ready to make this final decision! Take the pressure off yourselves and keep your options open for another year. When you are ready, you'll know. Right now you are too much in your heads. For me it was easy - at first I didn't want any children at all, but then I "compromised" with my husband who wanted many. However I was very adamant that I would only have two. I am so happy that I had them, and I am also glad that I was certain and stuck to my decision. No regrets. "What ifs" are hard to live with and are in the end useless - we don't know what the future holds. Give yourselves one more year of grace - the answer will become clearer. And maybe you'll have to compromise, too. One of you might have stronger convictions, then this person should make the call.
"We probably, ethically, should be done..." I think you have your answer, loud and clear. For ethical reasons, I have chosen to remain childless, with zero regrets, knowing that I was doing my part for humanity and the world of the future. Having children because they go through cute phases when they are little, seems like an incredibly shallow reason for bring more people into the world. I think that an argument for more than the "replacement number" is difficult to make in our resource-limited world. For some reason, people accuse those like me who are willfully childless of being "selfish", but I think quite the opposite is true.
It's beautiful to see the emotions from the both of you. It's raw and real. It's actually why I love listening and understanding how the change you have been going through and are going through, includes us. I thank you for sharing such emotion. Blessings to ALL of you ❤️
I have been done for 7 years. And we can't have more. We have had phases where we have wanted another. At the end of the day, we are happy with the 3 we have.
People can ADOPT those embryos. I never knew this, but maybe a consideration to bless another family. They implant them and are gestated by the adoptive mom.
Sometimes people wouldn’t be cool with having two or their biological kids running around in the world without them. Super valid.
I thought I’d never be able to come to terms with being done having babies. In fact my husband offered to go get a vasectomy and I told him to wait until I was 100% sure. 2 months later I found out I was pregnant. We both cried. My youngest was 10 months old and I have horribly hard pregnancies. I didn’t know how I was going to be able to do it. I knew then that if I was sad about the fact I was having a baby that I was done. I’m so glad we had our little surprise baby. She is everything we didn’t know our family needed, but I’m also so glad my husband got a vasectomy 2 weeks before she was born. No more surprises for us! After her delivery the dr told me having another baby would literally kill me. It was a great confirmation that we were done for sure.
My co-parent and I have three children together, ages 11, 15, and 17. We talked early on and decided that we wanted to try to have three, if we could, or possibly adopt if we couldn't. After our third, we discussed again and still felt the same. We had even considered that if we wanted a 4th child that we would adopt. This was all before I came out to her and transitioned. Unfortunately, our marriage was not able to continue with my transition, but in hindsight it was what was best for our family at the time. As a result, her and I actually have a far healthier relationship with each other now, and our children have a better home life as well. These are all things that no one explains to you before marriage, and I doubt that anyone could. Marriage, parenting, neither come with instruction manuals and what one couple finds that works for them, may not work for the next couple. Open communication in your relationship is very critical to navigate through these things with your spouse or partner. There's single right answer or path - it's a difficult part of being in a relationship and with being a parent. Love y'all - happy holidays :)
My experience as an "oops baby" as in, I was born 8 years after my siblings in the mid 1980s. My formative years were being co-raised with mom's mom, Oma, and my folks who were working. I love my folks, but I was super impacted by my grandparents. Grandparenthood is valid parenthood. You both would be amazing grandparents, so maybe not have another child if that isn't what you both want..
I had 4 successful pregnancies then a very traumatic miscarriage and another extremely traumatic pregnancy which resulted in having my tubes tied. It was a choice outside my control, because I couldn't risk my health for another pregnancy or leaving my children without a mother. It's never black or white and never an easy choice. It's the end of an Era, but the beginning of a new wonderful stage of life, that I believe you just have to accept and move forward into. That's just my journey, and yours if different from mine, and both are challenging. Either way, think about the baby you would bring into the world and if the reasons are selfish, like just loving having babies, and not about the child, then maybe that's the answer? It's so hard.
If you are still holding on to the embryos! Definitely go for it!! I wish I had that chance 😊🙏🏻😍
I don't think there's anything wrong with an age gap, even a very big one, between your children. I know some people have another kid when their older ones are leaving home, so that's another thing to consider.
After my third was born I knew I was done because my body couldn’t handle another pregnancy. We wanted to stop at 2, but like you I cried my eyes out getting baby clothes together to donate. We figured we would try until my 37 birthday which was one year. If it was meant to be great, if not then we move on. I got pregnant two weeks before my birthday 🎉best wishes as you decide. I think it would be easier if you didn’t have two embryos. That would be very difficult for me too. I am adopted so I would bless another couple with the two embryos, it might give you peace.
The mini ballerina routine had me in tears right away! So precious…
Just give it time before it’s a definitive decision because you both seem sad and obviously affected over the idea of not having one more baby. There’s nothing worse than living with a regret. Don’t rush into anything and take it one day at a time. Many more blessings to you both. ❤❤
I was done before I even started. I'm turning 40 next year and I don't have any kids. For many reasons, my husband and I decided it wasn't for us. We are both content with the decision, and it's a relief now after we decided, but it was a lot of thinking getting there. And I do think it will be a bit of a sorrow for us not having the opportunity to experience parenthood, but in the end it was the right decision for us. Love you guys, thank you for being such an inspiration 💛
For me, we got pregnant on accident with my first and struggled for years, many miscarriages and many tears for a second child. We had some infertility help and none of it worked. I felt like I had to stop in order to be a healthy mother to my daughter. I tried so hard to give her a sibling but in doing that, I was depressed and withdrawn. Like you said Amanda, you never ever relax when going through it. It has taken years but I’m finally at peace with the decision we made. I now volunteer with foster children and I would’ve never been able to do so if I had had more.
My parents thought they were done with 3. 10 years later, 2 more came along. And I have to say they brought so much joy to our family in a dark time. But everyone's experience is so much different. In the end you have to do what feels right for you.
We have 7 children by birth and adoption, and the three birth children are all 5 years apart... and are SUPER close. Don't let the age gap between Desmond and a new baby worry you at all. What I'm hearing in your voices--which I feel are echoing what is in your hearts--is that you are not done. I think having the two embryos implanted ... soon... and hoping that both 'take' so you get your twins is what you might well want to go for. And if only one takes, then that's your one last child, and you will know you did the right thing in trying. And if neither 'takes' then you'll know you have done your best to parent all the children you have conceived.
We felt pretty done after three children, then unexpectedly became pregnant with our fourth, who always felt like an unexpected gift. However, I felt very clear after her birth that I was really done, and no more space for unexpected gifts! Each child is such a huge being and needs attention and presence from parents, often the numbers were doubled with friends too. Teenage years can be very challenging! Now they are fully fledged adults with partners and we have four beautiful granddaughters. We adore them and they each other. As you say there is nothing like having a new baby and all the joy that brings, but for us, it was very clear when we were done, and the energy and time then to focus on the ones we have, and other things in my life.
Thank you for sharing this journey ❤ I wouldn’t have thought you guys struggled with fertility it gives me hope on the fact I just started my fertility treatments but we’ve been trying to conceive for 3 years now. ❤
I always wanted 7 kids and had them. I thought I was done. But when we would kneel down for family prayer, it always felt like there was a child missing. We were using birth control so we weren’t really trying. I kept praying about it and said if I don’t get pregnant by the next month, I would have my tubes tied as I didn’t want the last child to be 3 years younger than the last baby. I got pregnant the next month🤷♀️and after she came, I knew she was the last one. Good Luck in finding the best answer.
Beautiful family demonstrating unconditional love that the world needs to see and experience. Thanks for sharing your stories!
I’m a nurse who works night shift so my husband had to step up at night when I was at work and take care of our babies alone at night half the week. He pretty much said when our youngest was 1 that he was done and didn’t think he could go through newborn stage again. I felt logically that we were done but my heart still struggles with it. Time goes so quickly. The time of our kids being babies and us having babies came and went so fast that it’s hard to come to terms with. I miss baby snuggled and breastfeeding and all the firsts. So all this to say, I too did not have a solid “We are done” feeling.
So my situation is a bit different. I thought I was done after my son was born, mostly because I had complications during labor, and I didn't want to risk doing it again. My husband agreed and got a vasectomy. Now our son is five, he's super extroverted, and we're not. Plus he's expressed that he feels lonely, and wishes he had a brother or sister to play with. My husband and I have both agreed that maybe another child would be a good idea, but my husband doesn't want to reverse his vasectomy, so we've been considering foster to adopt.
I get the feeling listening to you speak together that you are not ready to shut the door on having children. That choice was made for me because of medical complications with my pregnancies. I think there are many people, mothers in particular, who wish they had had more children. I have never heard one mother regret the children she bore and raised. Go for it. Embrace those embryos and the unique and precious life contained in those DNA strands.
When I had my second I had myself spayed and it was such a relief. For medical reasons another pregnancy would be scary and 2 is enough for us. I think the lack of relief and the sadness of not having another may mean another would be a blessing. Weigh your pros and cons and do what's best for your family. Sending love ❤
Whatever you all decide, it will be right for you. There are so many people who can't conceive that would gladly adopt your embryos. However, you've got to do what is right for you and your family.
If you're not sure you're done.. you probably aren't done.. just sayin.. 🤗❤ love you guys.. good luck..
That decision is so hard. I'm not sure there is a right answer except to make the best choice that you can. Someone once offered me this advice "if there is room in your heart, make room in your home " That has my guiding principle since, because I have found that it rarely feels like the ideal time to have a child but every single one is so unique and wonderful that if I feel that tug in my heart, I have to listen and make space. (But for real, just make the best choice that you can. ❤️)
Although, I’m not a parent and after listening to your story your logic isn’t wrong. It’s ok to go through the emotional process and then let go of the what if’s. It’s always important to be clear and have clear intentions. Makes your decision that more solid without feeling any type of negative emotion.
Future thinking can bring anxiety and/or depression to anyone if they don’t catch themselves being fully in the present. The present is the gift. One day there is a possibility that you both will be grandparents and then will you get to experience a bundle of joy.
Your children are beautiful just have fun and enjoy them. If you decide to give the gift of life and donate your eggs that decision is based on the love you both have to offer that to another.
I think if y'all decided to have another kid, the child would be so loved and blessed with great parents and siblings, but I get that is such a hard decision to make! One thing to remember is you'll probably have grandkids! So in some way you'll be able to enjoy that young stage again. It's okay to not know, even though that feeling is such an uneasy one, sometimes time is what's needed 💗💓💞
You only have two embryos left. Completely your choice, but if you try you will never wonder "what if" you had. If you adopt out the embryos, can you work an open adoption with a couple that accepts your life choices?
The children are beautiful!! Emmy has Amanda's essence! You both are great parents!!
I don’t have any children myself, but as the youngest in my family, I was told that my dad essentially told my mom he didn’t want any more when they found out I was going to be a girl (I have two older brothers). My mom originally wanted four and was pregnant four times, but lost the first (also a girl) and continued to have somewhat difficult pregnancies, so I think that contributed to my dad’s decision
My body told me after my youngest. Something happened, not sure what, and had to have a hysterectomy when my youngest was 5 months. I'm a big believer that God does some things that are hard because he knows best so I was at peace with it. I never got my lil girl but my 3 boys are my world.
That skatepark scene…brilliant and hilarious!
I have so much respect for you both! Whatever you decide will be the right thing!
I really feel for people that have to make a decision about embryos. It took us 3 years to get pregnant and it happened on a lark when we decided to stop trying for a while before doing IVF.
Even before getting pregnant I knew I was one and done. A rough pregnancy and post partum (for me, baby was great) cinched it. I got my IUD 11 weeks post partum. If I had a miracle pregnancy, I'd terminate. My responsibility is my existing kid, who I wouldn't be able to properly provide for if I had the same experience with pregnancy again.
You seem to be such lovely people. Thank you for your authenticity and honesty.
I battled PCOS & infertility for 10 yrs & had 4 miscarriages along the way. 1 failed IUI, & couldn't afford IVF. Then I had Lap Band surgery for weight loss, lost 120 lbs in 1 year, & conceived my son naturally at age 34. Then a year later was surprised to find out I was pregnant with my daughter. I felt like God was telling me we'd have a 3rd & I waited patiently for 5 yrs, then assumed it wasn't going to happen. My son & daughter then told me they asked Jesus & Santa to bring them a little bro or sister for Christmas. I laughed at that, but then found out 2 months later on Valentine's Day that we were expecting #3! I was 41 & just knew after that we'd be done, so I had my tubes tied during the C-section. If I had frozen embryos, I'd feel the same way as you. I'd have more kids if it weren't for my age & health issues. I'd probably go the adoption route to be honest.😊❤
I struggled with infertility also and had 3 pregnancies that were all 7 years apart and all 3 I ended up on bedrest. In my last pregnancy, I knew this was it and our family was complete. Part of it felt like the decision was made for me because of the age gaps, my age, infertility, and the hard pregnancies, but part of it truly knowing our family was complete. It is so complex and emotional when the finality of that stage of life is over.
Unfortunately I have no insight into what is best for your family, but I love seeing more of Shay since she transitioned. 💕💕
We only have one. Financial reasons were the biggest factor and while we’re biologically still able to have more, our son is almost 15 and we’re so happy with our tiny family and don’t really want to start over with an infant. I’m an only child too so I relate to the loneliness but our son is thriving and so amazing that I’m content with our family being complete. The three of us are so close and I feel that our family is exactly the way it should be ❤Don’t get me wrong, I’m very excited for grandkids one day!!
I came from a family of four children and desperately wanted to change past familial cycles. I only wanted two because I felt I would have the best chance of changing those cycles with fewer children. My husband didn't want children but was willing since I did. So after we had our second, I knew I was done and really didn't feel the need for more after that. Years later, when we were no longer able to have children without intervention, he said he wished we would have had more. But I always and forever love holding babies and interacting with small children. I don't think that part will ever go away for me. :)
I have 4 beautiful children. After my last pregnancy I got a tubal ligation and I feel like it wasn't the right decision for me. I love children and I love being a mother. Every aspect of being a mother is so fulfilling to me. I think from a financial standpoint it was a smart decision but I never had that for sure answer in my heart that I was done. I just know I will forever be grateful that God gave me the opportunity to be a mother and see all 4 of my beautiful children grow.
I think you guys are amazing parents, and the world need more parents like you two. You love and cherish your children and I think you guys would be blessed to have more kids bc you are so amazing at raising children them❤ ( it is hard but it is so worth it)
I don’t know if this might help, but maybe, depending on your spiritual views. I have come to believe that our souls are independent from our bodies and we are here in this physical form, inhabiting our bodies temporarily; but, it’s not who we are. I’m sure you’ve grown to understand that better for having been trans/married to a trans woman.
Given that, that means our souls must enter our body at some point and there is some evidence that that happens just prior to birth or right after. So what I’m trying to say is that letting go of your embryos is not as if you’re giving up two souls. Even with abortion and miscarriage, the soul has often just simply decided not to enter the body at that time and they will instead enter into a future baby, often with the same parents. A soul always gets to choose the body they enter and they can change their mind (in the case of miscarriages and abortions) so it’s part of their journey to decide that. You’re never hurting a soul by deciding not to have kids. The souls that might have inhabited those embryos may or may not want to enter into them and I’m sure it depends a lot on what you want. So go easy in yourselves and just follow your heart, what you truly want to do. Either way, it’s going to be okay. 💕
I have heard it said many times that someone "just knew" that they were done having kids but that was not my experience. Throughout my pregnancy with my second I didn't solidly feel like this would be our last child or the last time I would be pregnant. After he was born I still felt like I might want a third child. My spouse expressed very early on that he was done at two kids and it was very sad to hear. My youngest is now 2.5 and over the last couple of years I have come to terms with being done having kids. It really is like a grieving process and I think that's normal. I never experienced just knowing that we were done having kids but my spouse and I both feel that we are at our limit with two kids. As you guys said, kids need so much and I feel like we can give them the most financially, emotionally etc by not adding to our family.
You make beautiful babies!
They do don't they, and both parents are intelligent, kind and compassionate.
@@bkm2797I couldn’t agree more, we need more parents in the world like them so I say have more!
You seem like such responsible parents who think about so much before having kids. Your children seem so so happy. I also love how your eldest is into Japanese culture and that you guys encourage her to be who she is. There should be more people like you. Side note you’re both so gorgeous. Love from Australia.
I can’t imagine having to make that choice aghh my heart goes out to you. You will make the right choice for your family. There will be “what ifs” no matter what path you choose. Great channel btw, the video editing/music/everything is on point with your vids.
10:35 it's so rare that people are this vulnerable and uncertain publicly.
I think it shows just how genuine y'all are that you didn't wait to share this with us, waiting to be 150% unwaivering
My heart aches for you both!
It sounds to me like if you can, give it a bit more time. I think if you have all of these doubts about stopping, something is really pushing you to bring atleast one of them into the world! The pros seem to out way the cons. Either way, sending you both love! I adore you and your family! ❤
I think that even when you "know" you've completed your family, it can be hard to make that final decision to not have any more children. It's definitely okay to grieve that loss of potential children all the while moving on to lovingly parent the children you have!! Give yourself the same grace as you have given yourselves to live your authentic lives while you move towards your final decision about expanding your family. ❣
Just an opinion, but... since Shaye has not experienced pregnancy, wouldn't it be wonderful, for her to experience it , as a woman with a pregnant wife?
You could get moonbumps and she could participate in the pregnancy as much as she can, physically, for herself.
Just a thought. 😊
We ‘paused’ having kids after our first two, because I wasn’t ready to admit we were done or wanting more. I also really wanted to be a surrogate for someone (in Australia surrogates can’t be paid, it’s altruistic, but it felt like a way I could give to someone, preferably an LGBTQI+ couple.)
Things didn’t quite go as planned and by the time my youngest hit 7 I had to admit we weren’t having any more, nor was I able to be a surrogate.
I’m content and happy, but I still wonder ‘what if’ sometimes. In my experience about 60% knew they were done (either by choice or circumstances) after the birth of their last child, and 40% kind of stumbled into ‘doneness’.
You guys are going to still be together!!!❤❤❤
We have two boys now 5 and 2 and after the second one we thought we still want at least 3rd, but when our youngest reached 1yr we started to often feel really exhausted. We agreed together that we won't be able to handle more than two kids. I say if you have enough attention to give to more children then it's a yes from me😊
Really commend your bravery talking about this. I imagine a lot of the pain ties in to the fact that it took you so long to have those embryos that ending that journey is something you never had to imagine because starting it felt impossible. I don't have children so can't comment on the pain but really appreciate you chatting about it.
I think that even if you decide that this is the end of you raising more biological kids this doesn't have to be the end of you finding that love in other ways. I don't know you but you seem endlessly kind, intelligent and inclusive. I just know there are young people out there who need your influence, even if it's not in the traditional way. This may not be the end end, there are lots of at-risk queer kids who would probably find a lot of comfort in your presence so maybe mentoring or raising them is a path you take one day. Doesn't have to be now though and this doesn't have to be a forever decision.
We had the same struggle of deciding what to do with our extra embryos. We did IVF and got 5 viable embryos. We did a live transfer (2012) of 2 and got twins!! Best and hardest thing ever. My husband was diagnosed with a heart condition 2 years later and being overwhelmed and unsure of the future we paid up annually to store those 3 remaining embryos. I was content with our family of 4 but my husband (post successful heart surgery and recovery) convinced me to do another implantation when our boys were 4. By that time I was 34 and we decided to do a single transfer not wanting twins again. It failed and took a toll on my mental condition. A few months later we tried again for a double implantation but one embryo wasn't viable so we went ahead with the last one. I got pregnant but soon after miscarried. It broke me. I was so sad over a decision that I wasn't even sure I wanted in the first place. It took me a year to climb back from that sadness to be able to appreciate the beautiful family we have grown. For me it is better to never have tried than to have loved and lost. We were so excited and the boys were so excited........... Just my two cents from a mama who has been there.
I remember when we decided we were done having children. The day my husband went to have his vasectomy I cried. Two weeks later when I thought I was pregnant, I cried. Now, after raising our two children and not knowing then all that would happen in those years, I am so glad we made the decision we did.
My sibling and I are 5 years apart, and honestly age gap doesn't matter. We still do everything together. Growing up we played hours together. Age gap doesn't matter.
I'm 37 and I 'm having a hard time saying 100% that I'm done. :(
It is an answer only the two of you can find together. My husband and I loved having two kids, and when I turned 35, my desire to do newborn stuff totally. Disappeared. My husband agreed. We are complete.
its hard to let go of the idea that more kids are coming. Its a bit of a mourning. We had 2 boys in 18mons and then decided to be done. Our youngest is autistic and we had to mourn the idea of what his future will look like. We are at a place now where we are so grateful that he is autistic.