The covert narcissist is more tricky to detect, but I've found these signs indicate a covert narcissist: 1) Disagreeing with everything I say all the time, 2) Competing with me all the time, 3) Envying me a lot, 4) Saying disrespectful things to get me to react, 5) Passive aggressive behavior towards me a lot, 6) Gaslighting me a lot.
Don't ever let him (the narc)open the door for you outta courtesy. I had my arms full, ready to open the door, and he came to the door and pulled it really fast, and I fell out the door stoop onto cement. My foot is twisted forever. He did never say sorry, but did drive me to ER. Another time, backing into the driveway, floored the gas, and crashed smack dab into the porch! Another time, he sped up on wet pavement, under an overpass, cars were stopped, and we slammed into the car ahead of us. I'm so sick of remembering how many times he has tried to hurt/kill me. He does not apologize. Never h a s. I left him once for 2 or 3 yrs, but I CAME BA C K! I just figured out all this late last year. Had I known of his sinister ways... I woulda never returned. I had the opportunity and I blew it. Nothing has been good except for the first 3 or 4 months. My advice: carefully run 🏃♂️. Get awa. Becuz now, after nearly 40 years of this happy horse doo doo, its a journey. Ill lose everything, but i dont much care. I care about me, My kids and grandkids. All those years are a big blank zero.
@@NoraN12-v7t The overt narcissist does all of these things too, but the way the overt narcissist does it is out in the open. A covert narcissist will disagree with everything a person says, but it will be a subtle disagreement most of the time. Covert narcissist will disagree in a passive aggressive manner that leaves people wondering what was going on at first; It's not unless a person understands narcissism, that it becomes clear what the covert narcissist was doing. The overt narcissist will disagree to a person's face with mockery and unjustified criticism, which makes it clear narcissistic abuse is happening..
@@sandyhenry3238 That happened to me. A covert narcissist was getting narcissistic supply from me. Once I could see him, I used Grey Rock Method. He said something rude to me and as I used Grey Rock Method, I could see him withering away as he didn't get the desired reaction out of me. He noticed at that moment the relationship had changed and stopped talking to me because I cut his narcissistic supply off for good.
It's hard to comprehend their are people with no empathy, no conscience, no soul. But they appear nice early on. Nobody told me to watch out for people like this.
@@sw6454haha, yes I feel exactly the same way. Got to the point where I now analyze every conversation and make entries in my journal after meeting new people. I don’t even argue anymore, after 2 red flags I just quietly disappear. No point in arguing, they will just gaslight you. If anything, this has taught me to value my peace and trust my own intuition.
I met my “best friend “ a few weeks after my narc husband died. The first year, she invited me out, to her house, we were inseparable and it was great. Second year, I noticed the controlling behavior, losing her mind over a simple disagreement. She was such an integral part of my life by now, I felt trapped. We had a big fight 2 months ago over me asking a question to a professional, when she already gave me her opinion. We Made up, but I stopped sharing anything personal from that night on. Few nights ago, we were out and had a disagreement about a general subject and she started losing it, she said, “I’ve been getting tired of you and your opinions for a while now”. I got up, very calmly and told her she doesn’t have to worry about that anymore and left. I was concerned about retaliation so I sent her a small, beautiful message next day wishing her the best….I feel so much relief knowing I don’t have to see her again.
@@AmbyJeans ohhhhh, after 33 years of enslavement to my late, narc husband…never again!!! I already deleted every pic and video, threw out all gifts. I never want to see her again 🥂
Dr. Les Carter who talks about narcissism on UA-cam was an anger management therapist. He says that it's when people get into a disagreement their true nature shows up. It sounds you were involved with an angry person that was masking the anger.
They are the most dangerous!! You start to shrink in life, you start to have health issues thinking that your dying from cancer. But you get all the bloodwork and scans back and you're fine. This keeps happening for years to the point where your bed ridden so much physical pain, your mind feels like it melting. And when you figure out the cancer is the person sleeping next to you, it's literally a miracle you are healed.
Thank you for bringing up the fact that narcissists are dangerous. These “people” will destroy your health and won’t think twice about driving you to suicide. Even if they’re your mother, sister… etc
Yes and when it seems like they have empathy for you, it’s still self serving. They have a need that they want to meet and they will alter their behavior however they need, in order to get it met. Sick people!
Too many Mothers raising their daughters to be victims a vicious cycle. Psychology needs to be mandatory in school. These demons will leave you for dead...zero empathy.
No Normal Emotions About Anything! But mostly, no concern for anyone else! Most obvious will be when Emotions are mentioned, there will be a Blank, Dead STARE.
❤YOU'VE SAID IT! This should've been discussed in health class- the importance of mental health, emotional stability and the toxic creeps who try to harm your psychological! 💯💯💯💯
It’s interesting how the covert narcissist lacks empathy yet they can only manipulate those with empathy. I think the trick in spotting them is they prey on your emotions and mainly manipulate with Words”. Never settle for Words alone, - Always Believe Behavior!!
Yea my ex had the gift of gab! He would express his true love for me and how I was all he wanted, but then exclude me from his life over and over. It was so toxic and his apologies were like no other. It’s been almost 1 year of limited contact since we share a child and I’m still healing. I went thru the back and forth for almost 13 years. Every time I would finally say enough, that’s when he’d step up and give me what I had been asking for…but it was never consistent and then when I pointed out the inconsistencies, I was labeled the problem and the one who was never happy with anything he did and always looked at things in a negative light. I’m so glad that’s over omg!!!! I never knew I was in an abusive relationship until it was finally over!
I was accused of having a specific pattern of behavior when i was in relationship and i was shocked. It always seemed like he was looking for something to find wrong, but on surface level he was extremely giving, helpful to everyone, and seemed so perfect. What he later became was extremely cold and dark. It was crazy.
Leaving a covert narc relationship is like hitchhiking and after getting out of the car learning you were with a sociopath- relieved you got away, but totally, forever creeped out.
Not just the narcs, but the whole of cluster B. I think that I've acquired a belief that undamaged, well-adjusted people are rare. I've even joked that being undamaged and well-adjusted is just a temporary thing. Usually a consequence of youth, combined with a lack of socialization. Our world and the people in it are out to get you, damage you, and derange your mind.
Everyone has SOME narcissistic traits. Very few people are full-blown diagnosable narcissists. So it might be more accurate to say you spot narcissistic traits everywhere and not narcissists everywhere. Let’s be careful about labeling people. This both normalizes calling everyone we disagree with a narcissist and delegitimizes and invalidates the experience of those who have been unfortunate enough to experience the narcissistic abuse of someone diagnosable with full-blown npd.
@@elinamirbaha so, everyone I disagree with,I consider them a "narcissist"? ,wow you know me so well,you must be an expert, exactly where did I say "everyone I meet is a narcissist"?. Sorry honey,not "everyone has narcissistic traits", albeit there are different degrees of narcissism. Weather it be "traits"or "full blown" the abuse inflicted is the same,& your comment diminishes that fact. There is a huge difference between "disagreeing" with & wanting to inflict pain on someone,so by your definition yes you are a narcissist. BTW gaslight much? Feeling better now that you got your dose of "supply"? Does it feel like adrenaline?
I went no contact with my narcissistic sister at age 66. Now my other sisters are her flying monkeys. What hurts me, is that I wasn't expecting to lose my other sister(s) because I finally set boundaries. So be it. I've pulled myself up and put my big girl panties on several times, and I'll do it again. Eventually, at some point they will realize her antics. They live out of state and see her maybe once a year. Keep up the good work. Knowledge is power against these people! ❤
I am also a member of the “I married a covert narcissist” club. I was so confused with all the inconsistencies, her unwillingness to work, the way she would evade responsibility. Ironically, it all changed when she projected onto me that I was a narcissist - a word that I had seen from time to time, but never researched. The further I went down the rabbit hole, the more I realized I had married one.
You wouldn’t know unless you talked to a victim. Passive aggression, messing with your head, future faking, no empathy. 🤮🤢💡absolutely brutal. The kind of brutal that makes a sober person wanna drink or a drunk wanna quit from soul poisoning. ❤you’ll never want to be with somebody who doesn’t love you above all material items. The lifestyle, the cars, the house: take away all the apologies and lost nights of sleep. You will never look back trust me. ❤😂
5 місяців тому+3
Very true!! So messed up. It's all fake. Feel like I've been cheated and an honest loving life stolen from me.
It really has been. Your honesty to yourself is the biggest sign you’re on your way to health. These are embarrassing and hurtful experiences you know.” You can’t change the past, but armed with the truth going forward, we no longer need to except this kind of abuse. I wish you all the best in recovery. 😎🙏💯
They are very weak but pretend to be strong a lot by repeating certain phrases (I'm strong and smart and I'm this and that) ...this is the most strange thing i saw in the covert narcissist
Mine, stood on her tippy toes, and said in my face, I have powerful friends (Family Court Liars) now! 4 of 5 committed fraud and perjury on Sworn and Affirmed Affidavits and Form 13.1 Financial Statements to be on welfare, by TaXpayer funded ill-Legal Aid! It is terrible what they did to the 4th honest Lawyer!
Sorry to hear. 12 years I. A previous relationship and 21 years in this one. Learning about my patterns in all this. Working on financial independence. Hoping to look forward and not backward.
Omg! Talk about confusion and not knowing the words to describe it. I knew nothing! I watched his behavior and every night i would get on my computer and study all kinds of mental illnesses, etc. This was a whole year of studying to get it right.
The "fake" realization came early, but total acceptance took a while. I am having a difficult time explaining this to friends and family...except my mom, who asked me what took me so long, and my son, who experienced some of it. Stay strong! Trust yourself.
Yes fear! Fear is what you experience when the person you thought was your friend at work suddenly lets their mask slip. Unpredictable behavior is scary. She kept me off balance by attacking when I least expected it. Usually when I was joyful or feeling good about something. The worst part is, I took this person into my confidence and told them things that they now know and probably shouldn’t.
I thought my daughter was Mt best friend until the Mask dropped and I found out she had joined a cult 26yrs prior and was a cult leader.... all hell broke loose
Yes! Even if you don't Suspect them of being Narcs, when you meet someone New, Never divulge personal details about your vulnerabilities. Wait a long time before you do that.
Covert abuse will steal your joy, your health, your self esteem, you will gut problems. My joints hurt and I developed exzema. I had trouble making up my own mind. There was no truth in mine.
Yes! The education phase!!! So true And the covert narcissist is so "covert". If mine would not have had a grandious outbreak in front of my counsler, then I would still not understand that I was/am dealing with a narcissist.
I laughed when you said I left the relationship having a PhD in narcissism. So true! The problem… even after working on myself for 3 ½ years and being in school to become a counselor, I married a second one. He was a deacon, and his wife had committed suicide (I get why now 😢). I was completely fooled while we were dating. Within 2 months of being married to him, the power and control started. I saw it, and took control of the situation. I have since become a counselor, love my job, and my husband has still not managed to control me. It is kinda of fun how the wheels have turned on him Lol. I am so grateful for the boundary work that I had done, and for knowing who I am in Christ. I went through a grieving stage, and I am now in acceptance stage knowing that I married someone who is mentally ill. God’s strength keeps me going!!
The money part is the craziest!! The double standards are outrages, they can spend and justify it. Then make it seem sweet when they take you shopping and tell you to get that item, but it's on their terms and time.
Finacial Abuse big time specially if they are tge bread winner. They buy whatever they want and you have to answer for everything and get scared to even buy new sneakers because you feel spending over $60 on yourself is sinful. Meantime they buy $1000's in gadgets and you never know.
Never mind the gadgets, in my case - it's online/off line hook ups and finding out the "only fans" account was the last straw for me. The thing is there not a good liar. I'm a sigma and Heyoka empath. I can see through all his BS. You don't have to say a word!
This is one of the very best discussions of this topic I have ever heard. Very relatable. I also grew up with an overtly abusive “dad” and felt proud of myself for not marrying an abuser. Oh, but I did… It’s a lot to absorb and accept being a victim.
I thought at the age of 62 I had finally found someone who loved me, understood me, wanted me. I was wrong, he was just a narcissist. It has taken me a long time to get over this betrayal. I don't think I will ever find true love
I would love for you to have people come on and talk about friendships with narcissists because many people are so blind to narcissism in general and will look at the romantic relationship examples only. No offense but people are a little slow with these things so it would be helpful if you could do this. Thanks so much for all you do and protecting the world from abuse! ❤️🩹🫶🏼
Last year I discovered I was in a covert narcissistic relationship. I got educated on the subject and learned a lot. Sadly I have to disagree. Female covert narcissists are everywhere and I just keep encountering them. Isolation has become the norm. Ironically I’m not sad to have to do it. It makes me feel safe that I can trust ME
I have to say I wholeheartedly disagree with the sentiment of telling a loved one, “good job” or “I’m so proud of you “ being construed as manipulative or patronizing. Perhaps your ex partner used a specific tone of voice to express those same words in a negative way, as all narcissists are capable of taking the most innocent of words and turning them into venom… but to generalize this into EVERYONE who tells you “good job” is patronizing you is simply not true.
What a horrible experience being married to a Narc! 27 years of pure lies, betrayed with other men, psychological abuse with an intermittent treatment, blamed for everything, gaslighting,hidding things to make me unstable, love bombing, discarded, no regret at all, hoovering again, manipulating all his phycologists, behaving like a perfect person to your family& friends, admited pying me, fake crying, throwing water on my bedroom floor to cause me an accident... yelling to his lungs when asked for such a crazy behavior! So erratic personality these Covert Narcisists, it took me years to see the reality... I am so scared of him, my family too! OMG! 😰😩😱
My Covert Narc happened to be someone that I had met 25 years earlier and carried a torch for, and then after half a lifetime, finally got my chance with. She was a member of my circle of friends. (The same circle that, coincidentally, I'm no longer welcomed in. Surprise!) Due to this long-term association, I completely vetted her and just let her right on in, ignoring a multitude of red flags. I'm glad I got out when I did, but the price continues to increase as I slowly wake up from her poison. Anyway, I have been getting my PhD, trying to connect the dots. THIS content really nails the covert position and describes my experience to a T. Sad, but true. These wolves will eat you alive. Thanks for sharing your stories and making my experience feel validated.
I was actually feeling bad for her lately; this is her lot in life. Ha ha, THEN today, I answered a ten point quick "screen your partner for sociopathy" quiz , and the eight out of ten result kinda took care of that feeling bad for her. What a change in viewpoint for me. After being no contact since I dumped her, and being truly afraid of what would happen if we were in the same place at the same time, I now want to see her in action. I want to watch her feeding. I am fascinated by the concept. I'm gonna make a movie.
I'm glad to be here even if it generates some triggers. I have to be strong! I made it out alive after being in a relationship with a passive aggressive covert narcissistic husband. 9 years of hell. Everyday it was something. You never knew what you were gonna get. I truly hate him. And healing? How much fun do you think I'm having? It's a long-ass process. But I feel better not living under the same roof with "the slow killer." I swear this type can graduate to be serial killers. I once asked him how many victims before me and he said "I don't want to talk about it." Talk about IT?? That says there were more. I hope God punishes him for his sick ways he tortured me with.
I disagree with the “proud of you.” 100%. Yes it “can” be manipulative. But in a healthy relationship,, I love when my woman says shes proud of me , or good job, and vise versa. Because it’s coming from love.
Ambient abuse!!!!! Oh my gosh!!!! I was never afraid- but he would “stonewall unanswer” I asked when his kids were coming and he would loooooook at me- my stomach would get QUEASY- then he wouldn’t answer me…. DAYS- of no answer. Then if I asked again it was three days of no answer but my body felt like I was on a ride sitting up high- WAITING IN ANXIETY TO DROP! Always stomach in knots
That's how mine was a marriage con. He got the divorce papers last Friday. Now he wants to be all in again was his exact words. I thought again. I've been no contact since March 22. 😂
Did the same 7 month ago. Couldn’t deal with her anymore. I was confused a lot of times. After I discarded her (of course after I called her out, I didn’t know better at that time) I educated myself about covert narcissism and could checked every box on her behaviour towards me in past. I went absolutely no-contact…best decision ever!
Oh gosh. You’re the first person to say “I’m proud of you” is manipulative. I have a friend who does that all the time and it makes me feel like I’m barely competent and finally meeting her approval. It has really started to irritate me and I couldn’t figure out why.
My issue has been PTSD for 20 years. I get nervous to relax sometimes because I get afraid I will get "tricked" and "dooped". This education is helping me sooo much finally!
Just got out of a narc relationship she was so kind and sweet at the beginning seem like we had a lot in common until she pushed insecurities on to me. Then being secretive, blowing off dates, being distant, stonewall me for 3 months until I stopped reaching out then she dumped me over text. There's a lot more that happened but now I'm in my healing journey never going back.
It is so insidious and hard to spot at first. Like she was talking about in the video, they can come off patronizing and insulting, but it is part of a carefully orchestrated plan. When you react to the insult, to the patronizing language, they take the role of victim, "you didn't understand, that's not what I said (gaslight), I'm hurt that you think I would treat you that way." This is to play on your empathetic nature so suddenly you feel confused or guilty and are now apologizing for pointing out the obvious. It's a carefully orchestrated dance where they are pulling the strings and if are you are not completely aware of what is going on it will over time erode your sense of self, make you anxious and fearful of interacting with this person (walking on eggshells). I speak from many painful years of ignorance and only recently from awareness.
What's scary is the niceness... so when the masks slips it's shocking.... it's true.... they really are so convincing it's confusing... be proud of yourself if you spot the behavior and call them out on their bs
Interesting...i had 3 therapist tell me that "loved me the best way they knew how" is actually manipulating. My ex absolutely was a covert narcissist and she said those words which crushed me. Also manipulative: i need to be loved like i love. because a narcissist love bombs you to9 train you how they expect you to treat them.. we all show and display love differently.
Thank you. The more it makes sence the more painful it is. At the end I had to record to see if I was crazy . My mind is so confused but this videos help me understand and let go
Covert when they have you trapped do Yell a lot. They are boystroyce in their home where no one hear, no one knows except the house hold. Ppl dismiss your complaints.. That is what's so hard. You deeply need someone to say yeah, he is treating you horrifically but, you Don't get that from the ppl closet to you. You are truly alone
That is so true, coverts will dominate and yell once they feel in control. My younger sister completely switched her tactics once I was diagnosed with an illness. I was at my weakest and she didn’t hold back.
Oh my goodness! Telling me they're proud of me, all the time. Also thanking me, often for routine things that I have done. Things that are my responsibility and I did them. And I'm an adult so you don't need to thank me and praise me every time I do it. And it took me years to realize this was devaluing. Because it sounds like that's a really kind person, right? That's a really supportive loving person. So I kept thinking, even though this feels weird, they are just being really supportive. But absolutely not. They were devaluing me.
When something feels wtong , it iS wrong, follow your first thought, your instinct to define / explain someones’ behaviour! The truth is always right there inside of us but oftentimes we do not trust our gut instinct/ feeling… in my relationship with a covert narcissist i remember i mostly had a bad feeling in my stomach and also felt restless and off😮. found out in the end that all this was a warning to protect me from lies and betrayal that were actually happening even though i was often hoping that my feelings were wrong and he was in fact a good person, just super damaged 😮! I was sooo wrong, 4 years later, physically, mentally and emotionally hurt but slowly realizing what happened! , i do feel i have wasted a lot of time but i thought i could change him with my love lol🤣🤣Thanks for the video, it helped me❤!Slow but steady recovery 😇By the way i have experienced the restaurant scenario among many others where he threatened to leave the restaurant if i did not stay absolutely quiet, and i had tears running down my face and he embarrassed me in front of the waiter saying that i was being dramatic 😮
I'm in a nest of narcissistic people who I have no doubt about their personality. Getting rid of one is not enough. They all have to go. They all have the same playbook. I'm thankful for my psych degree when other narcs questions my analysis of my suffered abuse. I know I have a lot of psychology behind me however my education online is invaluable from.others who have been victimized. The narcs around me are Covert and become Malignant as no ones watching. Narcs like sticking together like criminals do and lie and deny the same way
I knew nothing about this but a few months in the relationship I realised the manipulation. I started getting anxious and threw up. He is/call himself a "pastor, preacher, teacher. I could not even ask questions then I was told I am contentious!! He could pull scriptures from the Bible and quote them Afterwards you feel like you are such a bad person then later I realised but that is not who I am. I was so confused. He told me that I am not self self aware, insecure, stupid, an idiot, told me that I have problems because of my past and that I have pride, that I am a selfish, arrogant, immature little bitch! He was the first person in my whole life who called me that. Thank you for the information I have learnt so much since December 2023 about narcissists.
Thank you for this! I need to keep digging through your videos to see whether you've already addressed this, but if you have not yet made a vid, I would very much appreciate more info on narcissists and financial abuse.
I felt like I could see the manipulation cause my father was like that and my ex was like. I thought I could handle it but I really couldn’t and just left without saying goodbye after several months of verbal abuse.
It's hard to unsee it when you strip it bare. I still believe that without diagnosis, it's wrong to assume. But the traits are the traits. The abuse is the abuse. What's scary is that all looks Disney to the untrained eye. I've now swapped my addiction for my ex to gaining knowledge on the disorder which tbh, is helping my healing. Feeling hoodwinked from the get-go will take some work to overcome. But I've just accepted that the mirroring is a compliment. A positive way of looking at it to help in the healing journey is You actually fell in love with yourself. Picking up on men saying it's "women," I have to agree with you. But that works both ways. I've heard plenty that "all men are the same." I think it's far too easy to tarnish everyone with the same brush. It's also wrong to hold someone accountable for something they have no affiliation with, which is also a trait of a narcissist.
I agree with you. It isn’t a gender either. This is much much better than that. This is a cultural and morality issue. We’re losing sight of what it means to treat others with dignity and respect. To value them because of their humanity. Sad. Heartbreaking. But the loss of these virtues puts us at risk.
@KerryMcAvoyPhD you're speaking my language. When I was a child, there were unwritten rules, which most knew and lived by, and it didn't matter what tongue you spoke with. Ignorance has stolen the mic and taken centre stage. So sit back and watch their 💩 show crash and burn. Ignorance has become a fashion. Most fashions are short-lived. I do honestly believe those times will return. I just hope I'm here to witness it.
There can be no doubt that my adult daughter is a covert narcissist. She is completely ghosted my husband and I and her sister. We are all devastated.. Can you please do a segment on dealing with adult children who are covert narcissist? You have such great insights and I am looking for guidance where I can find it.
I struggle a lot because people hang unto his lips, because he is calm and speaks slowly and in a calm manner. He knows a lot about Spiritual things and preaches the Gospel but it makes me angry to know how many people are fooled by this and they think this man is the best thing that ever happened. Millions of people do not know enough about Narcissists
We got married and he left me within a year, went on a dating site. He told me that God wants us to restore our relationship Within the first week of trying I found out he got married to a lady from an African land They have no conscience!
19:00 they are UNABLE TO LOVE AND WILL K*LL YOU OR DRIVE YOU TO HURT YOURSELF given the opportunity, if you hurt them (real or perceived).... PERIOD. Protect yourself ❤
If it takes decades or the rest of your life before you begin to get wise, do research, and ask questions, you might have a fragile (vulnerable, covert) on your hands. These people manage to fool their therapists for years without being identified for who they are.
Is it possible for your narcissist covert husband to not of cheated on you? It started off him telling me when we met 8 yrs ago that he hates cheaters and he’s always been different than his friends. Blah blah and so when I have had doubts because he avoids vacations / etc and stays home and then blocks me. Or gives silent treatment and goes to a hotel as he says to get away because I’m toxic and I just down him. He is very dignant that how can i accuse him of being a cheater.
I thought I knew abuse if i seen it cause my exp had only been with overt narcs..but you haven't seen nothing until youve experienced a covert narcissist !!
And also the hard pill to swallow is when you find yourself sick they can go to everybody else's sick bed and everybody else's repasses and even give a word and even probably preach a word and still leave their wife or their loved one or their girlfriend alone at home by herself sick. As a dog I almost almost ready to die and probably have to call an ambulance for herself. And then it'll probably be mad that she had to call for help instead of waiting for him to come home. It's just sick in the head. This person's head brain is poisoned
Yes. Even he would say I was mad and I said things. That I learn is projection. Now during my divorce I don’t get upset because I know how I feel and everything he says it’s because his anger issues
I so relate to that. My father clearly abusive, I thought I'd got that. Nope! It took loosing my health and everything to wake up to how my mother has covertly abused me. Plus a .d.v. relationship as the cherry on the trauma cake. She didn't want the best for me, she just wanted to own me like a toy. I hadn't seen all the grudges she had held over the years, stored them up only to throw all ll of it all ll me right at the point when my health was ruined. Now to her im defective supply, least thats how i see it but i doubt she does.Your body feels it's, spot on.
I usually try to point the finger at myself and after listening to this, it has me thinking that this may be me.😮 The covert. However, for years, I have been under and still work for someone who I thought was a great man of God. Only to realize that every time I had a challenging question, it was interpreted as me challenging his "authority." There is much more, but when I think of my behavior in my first marriage and now my current one, I can't help but think I'm going crazy. I try to dig deep into how I am and come out full of anxiety with all this. I am in therapy but I feel so lost and alone.
It's like they had two parents. One was the beautiful kind sheep and the other parent was the evil wolf and they got together and they made a baby narcissist And that time it all started😢
Kerry we married a very similar man. I just wrote a ebook called Jack is Dead Emi Marley. Using the movie the Titanic, like Rose, I thought I was on a dream ship, but I was really on a slave ship, that is the ship being a metaphor for the relationship, and I had fallen in love with a man with two personalities like that of a "Jack and Cal," But combined as one man, but "Jack" eventually dies. Check it out.
Chronic health issues and the inability to work full-time and support myself have kept me financially dependent on, and living with my parents throughout my adult life. I experience all of the things mentioned in this video on a daily basis, except they're not with a spouse, but with my parents. I've never met another person who is in a situation like mine, and I've received a lot of criticism from friends who don't understand.
So I am 49 years in with a feminist covert narcissist who is a good person. So she loved control with victimhood, shame and ghosting, for almost 45 years I tried to figure her out blaming myself especially since she blamed me. She wanted kids and a house and has put up with me. Seven counselors led me on with no answers, I finally met others including Facebook groups and freed me and now I don’t care what she does, which is sad it took so long. #loveempty
And don't tell me they didn't know what they were doing ! They even sent people to tell me to mind my own business !! I mean come on !! People got lied to and used. And now they go to court they need to answer what the judge asks !! So before I go !!! I don't want to hear Jon sense ;;; fix my stuff or we go to court and you can explain there how a man with no job can save !!
We are recovering from covert narc abuse from a whole family towards ours. Much of what you describe can be applied to this family. After the 'falling out' we all were reeling with 'what just happened'. But I'm so thankful that its over. Though I hear from others the mother is still posting childish rants and accusations of projection. Pitiful.
After 27 years I see the signs. I still don’t want to believe this because it means everything was a lie and he is the father of my kids . Now I can live thinking he never cared about me but it hurts that he doesn’t care about my kids. I don’t think I can ever trust anyone else. Maybe we are all narcissists
You’re just trying to make a rational excuse for his destructive behavior & you’re not going to get out with your life as well as your kids unless you face this truth
The covert narcissist is more tricky to detect, but I've found these signs indicate a covert narcissist: 1) Disagreeing with everything I say all the time, 2) Competing with me all the time, 3) Envying me a lot, 4) Saying disrespectful things to get me to react, 5) Passive aggressive behavior towards me a lot, 6) Gaslighting me a lot.
It sounds like an overt narcissist
Once you SEE the real them... You start to stand up. Eventually they will leave you if you know how to work that for your best needs
Don't ever let him (the narc)open the door for you outta courtesy. I had my arms full, ready to open the door, and he came to the door and pulled it really fast, and I fell out the door stoop onto cement. My foot is twisted forever. He did never say sorry, but did drive me to ER.
Another time, backing into the driveway, floored the gas, and crashed smack dab into the porch! Another time, he sped up on wet pavement, under an overpass, cars were stopped, and we slammed into the car ahead of us.
I'm so sick of remembering how many times he has tried to hurt/kill me. He does not apologize. Never h a s. I left him once for 2 or 3 yrs, but I CAME BA C K! I just figured out all this late last year. Had I known of his sinister ways... I woulda never returned. I had the opportunity and I blew it.
Nothing has been good except for the first 3 or 4 months. My advice: carefully run 🏃♂️. Get awa. Becuz now, after nearly 40 years of this happy horse doo doo, its a journey. Ill lose everything, but i dont much care. I care about me, My kids and grandkids. All those years are a big blank zero.
@@NoraN12-v7t The overt narcissist does all of these things too, but the way the overt narcissist does it is out in the open. A covert narcissist will disagree with everything a person says, but it will be a subtle disagreement most of the time. Covert narcissist will disagree in a passive aggressive manner that leaves people wondering what was going on at first; It's not unless a person understands narcissism, that it becomes clear what the covert narcissist was doing. The overt narcissist will disagree to a person's face with mockery and unjustified criticism, which makes it clear narcissistic abuse is happening..
@@sandyhenry3238 That happened to me. A covert narcissist was getting narcissistic supply from me. Once I could see him, I used Grey Rock Method. He said something rude to me and as I used Grey Rock Method, I could see him withering away as he didn't get the desired reaction out of me. He noticed at that moment the relationship had changed and stopped talking to me because I cut his narcissistic supply off for good.
TELL THEM NOTHING ABOUT YOUR LIFE OR WHAT YOU ARE DOING! THEY WILL USE THAT TO ATTACK YOU. BE SILENT.
Agree!!
Actually run 🏃🏼♀️
I learned that the hard way!
Im so mad. I quit telling them anything. I met up after two years no contact and said everything. So mad at myself. I knew better.
Best. Advice. Ever.
It's hard to comprehend their are people with no empathy, no conscience, no soul. But they appear nice early on. Nobody told me to watch out for people like this.
Right??
Most of us weren’t warned. 😪
You only have to go through it once. And, well, in your family of origin that set you up.
Watch out
I love that “I went looking for love and came out with a PhD on Narcissism “ 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
It’s a great quote.
PhD in CPTSD from the School of Hard Knox with postdoctoral work in narcissistic abuse ❤️🩹
@@sw6454haha, yes I feel exactly the same way. Got to the point where I now analyze every conversation and make entries in my journal after meeting new people. I don’t even argue anymore, after 2 red flags I just quietly disappear. No point in arguing, they will just gaslight you. If anything, this has taught me to value my peace and trust my own intuition.
I met my “best friend “ a few weeks after my narc husband died. The first year, she invited me out, to her house, we were inseparable and it was great. Second year, I noticed the controlling behavior, losing her mind over a simple disagreement. She was such an integral part of my life by now, I felt trapped. We had a big fight 2 months ago over me asking a question to a professional, when she already gave me her opinion. We Made up, but I stopped sharing anything personal from that night on. Few nights ago, we were out and had a disagreement about a general subject and she started losing it, she said, “I’ve been getting tired of you and your opinions for a while now”. I got up, very calmly and told her she doesn’t have to worry about that anymore and left. I was concerned about retaliation so I sent her a small, beautiful message next day wishing her the best….I feel so much relief knowing I don’t have to see her again.
My covert narcissist was my childhood best friend. Don’t make the same mistake I did and try to go back for closure
@@AmbyJeans ohhhhh, after 33 years of enslavement to my late, narc husband…never again!!! I already deleted every pic and video, threw out all gifts. I never want to see her again 🥂
Dr. Les Carter who talks about narcissism on UA-cam was an anger management therapist. He says that it's when people get into a disagreement their true nature shows up. It sounds you were involved with an angry person that was masking the anger.
@@rwdchannel2901 yes, angry and jealous. An alcoholic that was threatened by me getting healthy (said my therapist)
Proud of you 👏🏾
They are the most dangerous!! You start to shrink in life, you start to have health issues thinking that your dying from cancer. But you get all the bloodwork and scans back and you're fine. This keeps happening for years to the point where your bed ridden so much physical pain, your mind feels like it melting. And when you figure out the cancer is the person sleeping next to you, it's literally a miracle you are healed.
Thank you for bringing up the fact that narcissists are dangerous. These “people” will destroy your health and won’t think twice about driving you to suicide. Even if they’re your mother, sister… etc
Absofreakinglutely. If u even hint to them that u feel suicidal, they won't give a crap
ON THE BRINK. HELP
@victoriak
Tell me about it. The pain? I was going to kill myself, Truly.
And especially if they are your adult kids
You Have No Idea.....Oh, wait, you probably do.
They only have empathy for themselves no one else
Yes and when it seems like they have empathy for you, it’s still self serving. They have a need that they want to meet and they will alter their behavior however they need, in order to get it met. Sick people!
Too many Mothers raising their daughters to be victims a vicious cycle. Psychology needs to be mandatory in school. These demons will leave you for dead...zero empathy.
Yes!!!!!
No Normal Emotions About Anything! But mostly, no concern for anyone else! Most obvious will be when Emotions are mentioned, there will be a Blank, Dead STARE.
❤YOU'VE SAID IT!
This should've been discussed in health class- the importance of mental health, emotional stability and the toxic creeps who try to harm your psychological! 💯💯💯💯
Well stated.
I agree.
It’s interesting how the covert narcissist lacks empathy yet they can only manipulate those with empathy. I think the trick in spotting them is they prey on your emotions and mainly manipulate with Words”. Never settle for Words alone, - Always Believe Behavior!!
Yea my ex had the gift of gab! He would express his true love for me and how I was all he wanted, but then exclude me from his life over and over. It was so toxic and his apologies were like no other. It’s been almost 1 year of limited contact since we share a child and I’m still healing. I went thru the back and forth for almost 13 years. Every time I would finally say enough, that’s when he’d step up and give me what I had been asking for…but it was never consistent and then when I pointed out the inconsistencies, I was labeled the problem and the one who was never happy with anything he did and always looked at things in a negative light. I’m so glad that’s over omg!!!! I never knew I was in an abusive relationship until it was finally over!
@@inspiredbydior5447 I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I’m sure your a very strong person now ♥️
Good point
I was accused of having a specific pattern of behavior when i was in relationship and i was shocked. It always seemed like he was looking for something to find wrong, but on surface level he was extremely giving, helpful to everyone, and seemed so perfect. What he later became was extremely cold and dark. It was crazy.
Pathological.
My ex is the exact same way!! I always thought I was the problem and insecure and always found something to complain about. Now I know better.
Leaving a covert narc relationship is like hitchhiking and after getting out of the car learning you were with a sociopath- relieved you got away, but totally, forever creeped out.
Ohhh good analogy.
Great episode! I love how you explained coverts. Its ALWAYS something with them. I never seen so many "poor me" people in my life 🤥
Uncanny,the more I researched narcissism, the more narcisists I found in my life. I have acquired Nardar
NARC RADAR
Yes! I was surrounded by them my whole life. It was the women in the family I never realized were narcs until way later in my life.
Not just the narcs, but the whole of cluster B. I think that I've acquired a belief that undamaged, well-adjusted people are rare. I've even joked that being undamaged and well-adjusted is just a temporary thing. Usually a consequence of youth, combined with a lack of socialization. Our world and the people in it are out to get you, damage you, and derange your mind.
Everyone has SOME narcissistic traits. Very few people are full-blown diagnosable narcissists. So it might be more accurate to say you spot narcissistic traits everywhere and not narcissists everywhere.
Let’s be careful about labeling people. This both normalizes calling everyone we disagree with a narcissist and delegitimizes and invalidates the experience of those who have been unfortunate enough to experience the narcissistic abuse of someone diagnosable with full-blown npd.
@@elinamirbaha so, everyone I disagree with,I consider them a "narcissist"? ,wow you know me so well,you must be an expert, exactly where did I say "everyone I meet is a narcissist"?. Sorry honey,not "everyone has narcissistic traits", albeit there are different degrees of narcissism. Weather it be "traits"or "full blown" the abuse inflicted is the same,& your comment diminishes that fact. There is a huge difference between "disagreeing" with & wanting to inflict pain on someone,so by your definition yes you are a narcissist. BTW gaslight much? Feeling better now that you got your dose of "supply"? Does it feel like adrenaline?
I went no contact with my narcissistic sister at age 66. Now my other sisters are her flying monkeys. What hurts me, is that I wasn't expecting to lose my other sister(s) because I finally set boundaries. So be it. I've pulled myself up and put my big girl panties on several times, and I'll do it again. Eventually, at some point they will realize her antics. They live out of state and see her maybe once a year. Keep up the good work. Knowledge is power against these people! ❤
For comfort, Read the following, because the enemy can be in our own Household! We are being TesTed !
MATTHEW 10:32-42
Well done for going no contact!
@@balanced4harvest552💯💯🙏🙏
I am also a member of the “I married a covert narcissist” club. I was so confused with all the inconsistencies, her unwillingness to work, the way she would evade responsibility.
Ironically, it all changed when she projected onto me that I was a narcissist - a word that I had seen from time to time, but never researched.
The further I went down the rabbit hole, the more I realized I had married one.
They love to shift the blame and make you to be the problem. They hold up a mirror and instead of looking at it, they stare at you. Wild.
You wouldn’t know unless you talked to a victim. Passive aggression, messing with your head, future faking, no empathy. 🤮🤢💡absolutely brutal. The kind of brutal that makes a sober person wanna drink or a drunk wanna quit from soul poisoning. ❤you’ll never want to be with somebody who doesn’t love you above all material items. The lifestyle, the cars, the house: take away all the apologies and lost nights of sleep. You will never look back trust me. ❤😂
Very true!! So messed up. It's all fake. Feel like I've been cheated and an honest loving life stolen from me.
It really has been. Your honesty to yourself is the biggest sign you’re on your way to health. These are embarrassing and hurtful experiences you know.” You can’t change the past, but armed with the truth going forward, we no longer need to except this kind of abuse. I wish you all the best in recovery. 😎🙏💯
They are very weak but pretend to be strong a lot by repeating certain phrases (I'm strong and smart and I'm this and that) ...this is the most strange thing i saw in the covert narcissist
@krystala
Yes, that's how they get by. By using phrases. They copy people.
So true. The one I had would repeatedly say, “I’m a provider and protector.” Sounded like a robot.
They often look in the mirror while doing it.🤣😂🤣
Spot on! 👍
Mine, stood on her tippy toes, and said in my face, I have powerful friends (Family Court Liars) now! 4 of 5 committed fraud and perjury on Sworn and Affirmed Affidavits and Form 13.1 Financial Statements to be on welfare, by TaXpayer funded ill-Legal Aid! It is terrible what they did to the 4th honest Lawyer!
25 years here... terrible experience, a lot of regret/hurt from wasting years
41 yrs here. Couldn’t leave. Too old now. I have accepted my choices but it’s been so difficult.
If you can get out maybe you should. 🕊️
Sorry to hear. 12 years I. A previous relationship and 21 years in this one. Learning about my patterns in all this. Working on financial independence. Hoping to look forward and not backward.
@@Silenceisgolden-o9oso very sorry you can’t leave. This is so destructive. 😫
Omg! Talk about confusion and not knowing the words to describe it. I knew nothing! I watched his behavior and every night i would get on my computer and study all kinds of mental illnesses, etc. This was a whole year of studying to get it right.
Knowledge is power
You guys are so right. I have been with a covert narcissist husband for 25 year's and didn't know until about a year ago.
It’s amazing how they can hide in plain sight
The "fake" realization came early, but total acceptance took a while. I am having a difficult time explaining this to friends and family...except my mom, who asked me what took me so long, and my son, who experienced some of it. Stay strong! Trust yourself.
😂😂😂😂😂
The BEST LIARS IN THE WORLD, TOO! AND THEY GET HOSTILE AND VERY AGGRESSIVE!
YES.. MY 27YRS WITH HIM... I FEEL WAS ALL A LIE & HE NEVER LOVED ME
he probably didn't and that's the painful thing realizing so many years wasted on this monster
They Cannot love that’s the problem.
Very sorry for all who have gone through this. It’s very difficult.
Yes fear! Fear is what you experience when the person you thought was your friend at work suddenly lets their mask slip. Unpredictable behavior is scary. She kept me off balance by attacking when I least expected it. Usually when I was joyful or feeling good about something. The worst part is, I took this person into my confidence and told them things that they now know and probably shouldn’t.
I thought my daughter was Mt best friend until the Mask dropped and I found out she had joined a cult 26yrs prior and was a cult leader.... all hell broke loose
Yes! Even if you don't Suspect them of being Narcs, when you meet someone New, Never divulge personal details about your vulnerabilities. Wait a long time before you do that.
Covert abuse will steal your joy, your health, your self esteem, you will gut problems. My joints hurt and I developed exzema. I had trouble making up my own mind. There was no truth in mine.
😪😪
Yes! The education phase!!! So true
And the covert narcissist is so "covert". If mine would not have had a grandious outbreak in front of my counsler, then I would still not understand that I was/am dealing with a narcissist.
I laughed when you said I left the relationship having a PhD in narcissism. So true! The problem… even after working on myself for 3 ½ years and being in school to become a counselor, I married a second one. He was a deacon, and his wife had committed suicide (I get why now 😢). I was completely fooled while we were dating. Within 2 months of being married to him, the power and control started. I saw it, and took control of the situation. I have since become a counselor, love my job, and my husband has still not managed to control me. It is kinda of fun how the wheels have turned on him Lol. I am so grateful for the boundary work that I had done, and for knowing who I am in Christ. I went through a grieving stage, and I am now in acceptance stage knowing that I married someone who is mentally ill. God’s strength keeps me going!!
The money part is the craziest!! The double standards are outrages, they can spend and justify it. Then make it seem sweet when they take you shopping and tell you to get that item, but it's on their terms and time.
I felt duped, too.
Finacial Abuse big time specially if they are tge bread winner. They buy whatever they want and you have to answer for everything and get scared to even buy new sneakers because you feel spending over $60 on yourself is sinful. Meantime they buy $1000's in gadgets and you never know.
Never mind the gadgets, in my case - it's online/off line hook ups and finding out the "only fans" account was the last straw for me. The thing is there not a good liar. I'm a sigma and Heyoka empath. I can see through all his BS. You don't have to say a word!
💯💯💯
So WELL SAID. After our years with the CN We do end up with the equivalent of a PhD in Covert Narcissism. Thank you for this episode!
This is one of the very best discussions of this topic I have ever heard. Very relatable. I also grew up with an overtly abusive “dad” and felt proud of myself for not marrying an abuser. Oh, but I did… It’s a lot to absorb and accept being a victim.
Your mother may have been covert too… mine was my only safety but she’s also a covert ❤️🩹
@@caroleminke6116 my mother is not a narcissist. She made mistakes and has owned them fully and made profound efforts and real changes.
I thought at the age of 62 I had finally found someone who loved me, understood me, wanted me. I was wrong, he was just a narcissist. It has taken me a long time to get over this betrayal. I don't think I will ever find true love
I'm just leaving now after 7 children and 43 years of marriage.
My heart goes out to you.
I would love for you to have people come on and talk about friendships with narcissists because many people are so blind to narcissism in general and will look at the romantic relationship examples only. No offense but people are a little slow with these things so it would be helpful if you could do this. Thanks so much for all you do and protecting the world from abuse! ❤️🩹🫶🏼
Last year I discovered I was in a covert narcissistic relationship. I got educated on the subject and learned a lot. Sadly I have to disagree. Female covert narcissists are everywhere and I just keep encountering them. Isolation has become the norm. Ironically I’m not sad to have to do it. It makes me feel safe that I can trust ME
Always smiling and laughing. Watch out
I have to say I wholeheartedly disagree with the sentiment of telling a loved one, “good job” or “I’m so proud of you “ being construed as manipulative or patronizing. Perhaps your ex partner used a specific tone of voice to express those same words in a negative way, as all narcissists are capable of taking the most innocent of words and turning them into venom… but to generalize this into EVERYONE who tells you “good job” is patronizing you is simply not true.
Nothing surprises me more than when I do something basic and all of a sudden I hear my 2 year grandson say, 'good job', I LOVE IT, he is so sweet.
Thanks for this. Healing from the betrayal trauma. I didnt know these people exist until i became a casualty of a covert narc.
Oh that awful. How is healing coming along?
What a horrible experience being married to a Narc! 27 years of pure lies, betrayed with other men, psychological abuse with an intermittent treatment, blamed for everything, gaslighting,hidding things to make me unstable, love bombing, discarded, no regret at all, hoovering again, manipulating all his phycologists, behaving like a perfect person to your family& friends, admited pying me, fake crying, throwing water on my bedroom floor to cause me an accident... yelling to his lungs when asked for such a crazy behavior! So erratic personality these Covert Narcisists, it took me years to see the reality... I am so scared of him, my family too! OMG! 😰😩😱
Sounds horrible. Terrifying.
They seem caring, however, they do not remember your cares, only their own, except those wherein they can put you down.
But yet they are so aware of your mistakes & so unaware of their own😮❤❤❤
My Covert Narc happened to be someone that I had met 25 years earlier and carried a torch for, and then after half a lifetime, finally got my chance with. She was a member of my circle of friends. (The same circle that, coincidentally, I'm no longer welcomed in. Surprise!) Due to this long-term association, I completely vetted her and just let her right on in, ignoring a multitude of red flags. I'm glad I got out when I did, but the price continues to increase as I slowly wake up from her poison. Anyway, I have been getting my PhD, trying to connect the dots. THIS content really nails the covert position and describes my experience to a T. Sad, but true. These wolves will eat you alive. Thanks for sharing your stories and making my experience feel validated.
❤️🩹
I was actually feeling bad for her lately; this is her lot in life. Ha ha, THEN today, I answered a ten point quick "screen your partner for sociopathy" quiz , and the eight out of ten result kinda took care of that feeling bad for her. What a change in viewpoint for me. After being no contact since I dumped her, and being truly afraid of what would happen if we were in the same place at the same time, I now want to see her in action. I want to watch her feeding. I am fascinated by the concept. I'm gonna make a movie.
I'm glad to be here even if it generates some triggers. I have to be strong! I made it out alive after being in a relationship with a passive aggressive covert narcissistic husband. 9 years of hell. Everyday it was something. You never knew what you were gonna get.
I truly hate him. And healing? How much fun do you think I'm having? It's a long-ass process. But I feel better not living under the same roof with "the slow killer." I swear this type can graduate to be serial killers. I once asked him how many victims before me and he said "I don't want to talk about it." Talk about IT?? That says there were more. I hope God punishes him for his sick ways he tortured me with.
I’m so so glad you’re out. So glad. Healing isn’t for the faint of heart, but you got this!
I disagree with the “proud of you.” 100%. Yes it “can” be manipulative. But in a healthy relationship,, I love when my woman says shes proud of me , or good job, and vise versa. Because it’s coming from love.
That is perfectly spot on, "I wanted a relationship and left with a PhD in narcissism"
Yeah sad true for so some.
Ambient abuse!!!!! Oh my gosh!!!! I was never afraid- but he would “stonewall unanswer” I asked when his kids were coming and he would loooooook at me- my stomach would get QUEASY- then he wouldn’t answer me…. DAYS- of no answer. Then if I asked again it was three days of no answer but my body felt like I was on a ride sitting up high- WAITING IN ANXIETY TO DROP! Always stomach in knots
Oh my. That’s like torture by nonstop dripping water on your skull. So so cruel.
Hypervigilant.
REAL Love is not hard!
That's how mine was a marriage con. He got the divorce papers last Friday. Now he wants to be all in again was his exact words. I thought again. I've been no contact since March 22. 😂
I look forward to the day that I don"t spend 24/7 worrying if I will ever be the same person I was before being Damaged by These Demons.
Always believe behavior !
My elderly MIL is a malignant covert narcissist. A nasty piece of work. We walked away from her getting on for 5 yrs ago.
Did the same 7 month ago. Couldn’t deal with her anymore. I was confused a lot of times. After I discarded her (of course after I called her out, I didn’t know better at that time) I educated myself about covert narcissism and could checked every box on her behaviour towards me in past. I went absolutely no-contact…best decision ever!
Oh gosh. You’re the first person to say “I’m proud of you” is manipulative. I have a friend who does that all the time and it makes me feel like I’m barely competent and finally meeting her approval. It has really started to irritate me and I couldn’t figure out why.
Yes! It’s so condescending and infuriating. They pretend to be so innocent when they do it too.
I tell people “ good for you “ or “ I am proud of you “ maybe I should stop
My issue has been PTSD for 20 years. I get nervous to relax sometimes because I get afraid I will get "tricked" and "dooped". This education is helping me sooo much finally!
Just got out of a narc relationship she was so kind and sweet at the beginning seem like we had a lot in common until she pushed insecurities on to me. Then being secretive, blowing off dates, being distant, stonewall me for 3 months until I stopped reaching out then she dumped me over text. There's a lot more that happened but now I'm in my healing journey never going back.
Just by watching videos like this has helped me thank you for speaking out ❤
Lucky 🍀 you! Learning experience but at least she left you alone ❤️🩹 you’ll heal stronger now
Only Jesus can save them but of course, they don’t need saving, so there you go.
It is so insidious and hard to spot at first. Like she was talking about in the video, they can come off patronizing and insulting, but it is part of a carefully orchestrated plan. When you react to the insult, to the patronizing language, they take the role of victim, "you didn't understand, that's not what I said (gaslight), I'm hurt that you think I would treat you that way." This is to play on your empathetic nature so suddenly you feel confused or guilty and are now apologizing for pointing out the obvious. It's a carefully orchestrated dance where they are pulling the strings and if are you are not completely aware of what is going on it will over time erode your sense of self, make you anxious and fearful of interacting with this person (walking on eggshells). I speak from many painful years of ignorance and only recently from awareness.
Great analysis
That's exactly what happened to me, it took me years to know that I was in an abusive relationship with my husband.
What's scary is the niceness... so when the masks slips it's shocking.... it's true.... they really are so convincing it's confusing... be proud of yourself if you spot the behavior and call them out on their bs
Good morning. My ex narc gf was the ultimate window dresser.
This is such an awesome conversation !! So helpful and healing. Thank You for your insight & honesty ♥️♥️♥️
Thank you!
Interesting...i had 3 therapist tell me that "loved me the best way they knew how" is actually manipulating. My ex absolutely was a covert narcissist and she said those words which crushed me. Also manipulative: i need to be loved like i love. because a narcissist love bombs you to9 train you how they expect you to treat them.. we all show and display love differently.
Thank you. The more it makes sence the more painful it is. At the end I had to record to see if I was crazy . My mind is so confused but this videos help me understand and let go
Did recording things help? Such a good idea.
Covert when they have you trapped do Yell a lot. They are boystroyce in their home where no one hear, no one knows except the house hold. Ppl dismiss your complaints.. That is what's so hard. You deeply need someone to say yeah, he is treating you horrifically but, you Don't get that from the ppl closet to you. You are truly alone
That is so true, coverts will dominate and yell once they feel in control. My younger sister completely switched her tactics once I was diagnosed with an illness. I was at my weakest and she didn’t hold back.
Everything you are saying Kerry was exactly everything that was said to me - they all have the same evil play book 😒
Oh my goodness! Telling me they're proud of me, all the time. Also thanking me, often for routine things that I have done. Things that are my responsibility and I did them. And I'm an adult so you don't need to thank me and praise me every time I do it.
And it took me years to realize this was devaluing. Because it sounds like that's a really kind person, right? That's a really supportive loving person.
So I kept thinking, even though this feels weird, they are just being really supportive.
But absolutely not. They were devaluing me.
Yes it’s an arrogance one-upmanship to critic another adult’s work. They didn’t request and it’s not most of our social roles.
Their love is conditional. Do something good and they praise you. Do something bad and you have to deal with stonewalling silent treatment etc..
When something feels wtong , it iS wrong, follow your first thought, your instinct to define / explain someones’ behaviour! The truth is always right there inside of us but oftentimes we do not trust our gut instinct/ feeling… in my relationship with a covert narcissist i remember i mostly had a bad feeling in my stomach and also felt restless and off😮. found out in the end that all this was a warning to protect me from lies and betrayal that were actually happening even though i was often hoping that my feelings were wrong and he was in fact a good person, just super damaged 😮! I was sooo wrong, 4 years later, physically, mentally and emotionally hurt but slowly realizing what happened! , i do feel i have wasted a lot of time but i thought i could change him with my love lol🤣🤣Thanks for the video, it helped me❤!Slow but steady recovery 😇By the way i have experienced the restaurant scenario among many others where he threatened to leave the restaurant if i did not stay absolutely quiet, and i had tears running down my face and he embarrassed me in front of the waiter saying that i was being dramatic 😮
I'm in a nest of narcissistic people who I have no doubt about their personality. Getting rid of one is not enough. They all have to go. They all have the same playbook. I'm thankful for my psych degree when other narcs questions my analysis of my suffered abuse. I know I have a lot of psychology behind me however my education online is invaluable from.others who have been victimized. The narcs around me are Covert and become Malignant as no ones watching. Narcs like sticking together like criminals do and lie and deny the same way
I knew nothing about this but a few months in the relationship I realised the manipulation. I started getting anxious and threw up. He is/call himself a "pastor, preacher, teacher. I could not even ask questions then I was told I am contentious!! He could pull scriptures from the Bible and quote them Afterwards you feel like you are such a bad person then later I realised but that is not who I am. I was so confused. He told me that I am not self self aware, insecure, stupid, an idiot, told me that I have problems because of my past and that I have pride, that I am a selfish, arrogant, immature little bitch! He was the first person in my whole life who called me that. Thank you for the information I have learnt so much since December 2023 about narcissists.
How awful - though I’ve seen this too. Glad you’re finding help.
You guys are good in explaining this stuff!! Wow very nice and simple! That's beautiful ❤️
Thank you so much!
Thank you for this! I need to keep digging through your videos to see whether you've already addressed this, but if you have not yet made a vid, I would very much appreciate more info on narcissists and financial abuse.
I felt like I could see the manipulation cause my father was like that and my ex was like. I thought I could handle it but I really couldn’t and just left without saying goodbye after several months of verbal abuse.
It's hard to unsee it when you strip it bare.
I still believe that without diagnosis, it's wrong to assume. But the traits are the traits.
The abuse is the abuse. What's scary is that all looks Disney to the untrained eye.
I've now swapped my addiction for my ex to gaining knowledge on the disorder which tbh, is helping my healing.
Feeling hoodwinked from the get-go will take some work to overcome. But I've just accepted that the mirroring is a compliment. A positive way of looking at it to help in the healing journey is
You actually fell in love with yourself.
Picking up on men saying it's "women," I have to agree with you. But that works both ways.
I've heard plenty that "all men are the same." I think it's far too easy to tarnish everyone with the same brush. It's also wrong to hold someone accountable for something they have no affiliation with, which is also a trait of a narcissist.
I agree with you. It isn’t a gender either. This is much much better than that. This is a cultural and morality issue. We’re losing sight of what it means to treat others with dignity and respect. To value them because of their humanity. Sad. Heartbreaking. But the loss of these virtues puts us at risk.
@KerryMcAvoyPhD
you're speaking my language.
When I was a child, there were unwritten rules, which most knew and lived by, and it didn't matter what tongue you spoke with.
Ignorance has stolen the mic and taken centre stage. So sit back and watch their 💩 show crash and burn.
Ignorance has become a fashion. Most fashions are short-lived.
I do honestly believe those times will return. I just hope I'm here to witness it.
Omg you just hit on something that my cn does to me now 48yrs, I'm so proud of u in a condescending way. Leaving me feeling strange.
There can be no doubt that my adult daughter is a covert narcissist. She is completely ghosted my husband and I and her sister. We are all devastated.. Can you please do a segment on dealing with adult children who are covert narcissist? You have such great insights and I am looking for guidance where I can find it.
I struggle a lot because people hang unto his lips, because he is calm and speaks slowly and in a calm manner. He knows a lot about Spiritual things and preaches the Gospel but it makes me angry to know how many people are fooled by this and they think this man is the best thing that ever happened. Millions of people do not know enough about Narcissists
We got married and he left me within a year, went on a dating site. He told me that God wants us to restore our relationship Within the first week of trying I found out he got married to a lady from an African land They have no conscience!
It’s shocking how many toxic people hide in the church and other spiritual institutions.
19:00 they are UNABLE TO LOVE AND WILL K*LL YOU OR DRIVE YOU TO HURT YOURSELF given the opportunity, if you hurt them (real or perceived).... PERIOD. Protect yourself ❤
Good point. Thx
@@KerryMcAvoyPhD welcome. great interview.
Oh my god, ladies you know how much this is sooooo relatable?? So glad I found you.❤
If it takes decades or the rest of your life before you begin to get wise, do research, and ask questions, you might have a fragile (vulnerable, covert) on your hands. These people manage to fool their therapists for years without being identified for who they are.
I still beat myself up for staying in a religiously abusive relationship. I hate that these things happen.
It’s so difficult. And religious or spiritual abuse plays on our fears of life after death which increases our vulnerability.
Is it possible for your narcissist covert husband to not of cheated on you?
It started off him telling me when we met 8 yrs ago that he hates cheaters and he’s always been different than his friends. Blah blah and so when I have had doubts because he avoids vacations / etc and stays home and then blocks me. Or gives silent treatment and goes to a hotel as he says to get away because I’m toxic and I just down him. He is very dignant that how can i accuse him of being a cheater.
I thought I knew abuse if i seen it cause my exp had only been with overt narcs..but you haven't seen nothing until youve experienced a covert narcissist !!
And also the hard pill to swallow is when you find yourself sick they can go to everybody else's sick bed and everybody else's repasses and even give a word and even probably preach a word and still leave their wife or their loved one or their girlfriend alone at home by herself sick. As a dog I almost almost ready to die and probably have to call an ambulance for herself. And then it'll probably be mad that she had to call for help instead of waiting for him to come home. It's just sick in the head. This person's head brain is poisoned
Yes. Even he would say I was mad and I said things. That I learn is projection. Now during my divorce I don’t get upset because I know how I feel and everything he says it’s because his anger issues
I so relate to that. My father clearly abusive, I thought I'd got that. Nope! It took loosing my health and everything to wake up to how my mother has covertly abused me. Plus a .d.v. relationship as the cherry on the trauma cake. She didn't want the best for me, she just wanted to own me like a toy. I hadn't seen all the grudges she had held over the years, stored them up only to throw all ll of it all ll me right at the point when my health was ruined. Now to her im defective supply, least thats how i see it but i doubt she does.Your body feels it's, spot on.
Don’t concentrate on a label or diagnosis - discern the behavior and act accordingly.
Toxic is toxic & arrested development is unacceptable
I usually try to point the finger at myself and after listening to this, it has me thinking that this may be me.😮 The covert. However, for years, I have been under and still work for someone who I thought was a great man of God. Only to realize that every time I had a challenging question, it was interpreted as me challenging his "authority." There is much more, but when I think of my behavior in my first marriage and now my current one, I can't help but think I'm going crazy. I try to dig deep into how I am and come out full of anxiety with all this. I am in therapy but I feel so lost and alone.
It's like they had two parents. One was the beautiful kind sheep and the other parent was the evil wolf and they got together and they made a baby narcissist And that time it all started😢
Kerry we married a very similar man. I just wrote a ebook called Jack is Dead Emi Marley. Using the movie the Titanic, like Rose, I thought I was on a dream ship, but I was really on a slave ship, that is the ship being a metaphor for the relationship, and I had fallen in love with a man with two personalities like that of a "Jack and Cal," But combined as one man, but "Jack" eventually dies. Check it out.
Great conversation
Chronic health issues and the inability to work full-time and support myself have kept me financially dependent on, and living with my parents throughout my adult life. I experience all of the things mentioned in this video on a daily basis, except they're not with a spouse, but with my parents. I've never met another person who is in a situation like mine, and I've received a lot of criticism from friends who don't understand.
@janey:
People that have never been in your shoes are clueless. Don't try to make them understand
anymore..
So I am 49 years in with a feminist covert narcissist who is a good person. So she loved control with victimhood, shame and ghosting, for almost 45 years I tried to figure her out blaming myself especially since she blamed me. She wanted kids and a house and has put up with me. Seven counselors led me on with no answers, I finally met others including Facebook groups and freed me and now I don’t care what she does, which is sad it took so long. #loveempty
And don't tell me they didn't know what they were doing ! They even sent people to tell me to mind my own business !! I mean come on !! People got lied to and used. And now they go to court they need to answer what the judge asks !! So before I go !!! I don't want to hear Jon sense ;;; fix my stuff or we go to court and you can explain there how a man with no job can save !!
We are recovering from covert narc abuse from a whole family towards ours.
Much of what you describe can be applied to this family.
After the 'falling out' we all were reeling with 'what just happened'.
But I'm so thankful that its over.
Though I hear from others the mother is still posting childish rants and accusations of projection. Pitiful.
So tough.
Thank you for the video.
God bless you both
from Cynthia in JANESVILLE, WI
Loved me, and in love with me was definitely not aligned.
Very astute... And very true... I never got the chance to ask this but I knew the answer.
After 27 years I see the signs. I still don’t want to believe this because it means everything was a lie and he is the father of my kids . Now I can live thinking he never cared about me but it hurts that he doesn’t care about my kids. I don’t think I can ever trust anyone else. Maybe we are all narcissists
You’re just trying to make a rational excuse for his destructive behavior & you’re not going to get out with your life as well as your kids unless you face this truth
It is a devastating experience.
Wow my experience too with an overt abuser who was my Dad and me thinking I could spot it, until I ran into a whole different animal!