I've had some times when I felt like the "filler friend" and someone reached out specifically to make sure I felt included. Those were some really special and impactful moments.
Yes, those are some really powerful people who can do that. Really chiseled social skills, even to notice it, but especially to do something about it. I commend them.
@@Corridorcrawler being ignored while saying a joke and then repeating it while thinking that they didn't hear it but they did the first time(but didn't react anyhow) and now they say "didn't you say that just now?"
Get yourself a best friend. Focus on the people you click with the best. I used to have like alot of friends. Funny enough I was an introvert and I got blessed by having most of the students at my school as childhood friends knowing them since they were 5 - 7 (back then I was a huge extrovert back in my childhood so I easily made friends just by being super energetic jokester). Now I have like 5 friends I talk to on a regular basis? but at one point I had just one friend. My best friend and despite all my other friends graduating I was still happy (never really felt lonely). We would play video games, stream youtube videos daily and watch anime to laugh at. I felt more lonely when I had a bunch of friends back in highschool. I was everyones friend but no ones close friend. Being part of group is fine but its only good if you are all close friends. I remember being the new guy to a group in a class where I had no friends, interesting thing is basically now that I look at it I basically divided and conquered when it came to joining the group. I made friends with each member one by one rather than staying with the entire group at once which I would only do occasionally only to do it more frequently until I was considered by others part of that friend group (felt comfortable with all of them).
Don’t settle on being a filler friend. It’s probably a sign that your friends and you aren’t compatible. Tbh it’s better to be alone sometimes than that
@@stijnl purdy much man I feel like people treating someone as a filler friend is low key abuse kinda how kids socially isolate someone as a form of bullying. Better to not torment yourself
@@BitchChill well we all enter this world alone and we’ll all leave it alone. It’s better to love yourself than to be with people who don’t love you back
The funny thing about "filler" friends is that most times, they're the ones that really listen to you when you're going through some shitty day. Also, when you're bored and just wanna hang out with someone, when you call that "filler" friend out to chill, you actually have a really good time with them. I learned how that felt being the filler friend and also pinpointing that one friend as the filler friend. When I saw and felt that kinda "friendship" on both sides, it changed my perspective on friendships that I don't take anyone for granted as I did when I was in my 20's.
I was the funny friend for a long time, the only role I could play in the group was be the guy that tells jokes and shit. But anytime I tried to open up about hard times I was going through everyone would just act awkward and ignore me till I went back to playing my role. I hate it so much it makes you feel like you aren't a real human that has other emotions other then just being happy all the damn time.
I have a friend, let’s call him Pablo here, that I’ve known since the first grade. Pablo and I have always been inseparable and loved each other like brothers. At a point towards the end of the COVID era, we began hanging in different groups, drifting apart in a sense. There was no drama, no beef, no love lost, we just began hanging with differen people. The point is, we weren’t seeing each other or hanging out together almost at all. Then, a little bit into this school year, we end up at the same party(which, in our circles meaning going to someone’s crib and some of us doing some drugs). Pablo, along with two other friends, let’s call them Rowan and Juniper, take acid and after a while, the conversation gets deep. During this conversation, we speak on our individual issues and/or problems. At this point, Pablo, known as the class’ token airhead jokester, starts opening up about his feelings of inadequacy, shame, etc. This comes as a huge surprise, as in my mind Pablo is a guy that just coasts along without a worry in the world. It made me really realise that symptoms of mental issues, along with the issues themselves, are almost never obvious. Coincidentally, another friend of ours at the party, Rowan, whom was the only one not speaking at all, just tripping and staring at the ceiling, ended up in the local psych ward for a month for depression and addiction. I can’t say I’ve ever been in a similar position, as I’ve been mostly mentally sound for my whole life, but these last few months have really changed the way I look at my friends and people in general, and it’s definetly inspired a great deal of personal growth for me.
Damn this is exactly what I'm going through right now. I opened up that I was feeling a lot of stress and not doing as well in my classes, and they all just kind of gave me a weird look.
@@benhawk4214 Each group has a group dynamic and a group hierarchy. Going against that can be really tough. Also I think it is not really necessary to open up certain things in certain environments. But one thing we can do it create a subgroup with the same people or a few less and then there the group dynamic is completely different due to a different environment. For example you could say ask who want's to go hiking with you and there the environment is more relaxed and personal. That allows for opening up such topics. Just a thought though.
I was a filler friend in one circle. But I realized they stopped asking because I was either "never available" OR "something always comes up". While I do think it sucks to become a filler friend - it's also unreasonable to expect people to keep trying with you forever and not just wanna move on. If they NEVER (even at the beginning) asked you to come or go places - how did y'all end up "friends" in the first place lmao.
i imagine it happens more at school for very young people you know, when they just become somewhat part of the group in the forced socializing of school, but never take it outside of that environment
I don’t know about you, but for me our friendship started with us sharing similar interests but over time our differing interests took over and it was more difficult to feel like I was welcome so I was “never available.”
@@shinkamui Yeah I've thought of those people as friends too when I was young - but as I got older I realized they're just contextual colleagues in most cases. I would never consider those people life friends at my age knowing what I know now. But I can see how a high schooler who has minimal other outlets psychologically forces themselves to view these people as their friends to avoid dealing with the dread of the thought that one might not have any real friends.
@@awesoem7893 Yup this is where I reached with the gamer group I was dealing with. It sucks, but also overstaying a welcome is the same as prolonging the closing of an open wound.
The process of maturing often involves the question of: Okay, am I going to pursue to have a relationship with my toxic friend group or am I going to choose to not go out today and be for yourself. I'd rather choose to be alone now, then to be friend with people, who drag me down, got no motivation or inflict negative energy
This happened to me with a gamer group I was in. I'm in a self improvement kick and quitting gaming for extended periods of time is a big part of that for me. But that group was primarily a IRL gamer group and to this day - they still talk about COD Skins and all the other random shit related to it. But I was in a state of flux in my life so I had no new groups to really embed myself because I was likely going to move for work --- so I just sat around with them much longer than I would've wanted just to have some socialization rather than none at all.
@@partoftheworlD Or people can join some type of social club without some drastic life change like military. Boom - ready made people with common interest, a recipe for a friend group.
Yup, same. The group was insanely toxic anyway, but I felt too afraid to look for others in fear of being treated the same. Then, I went through like a dozen different friend groups, until I actually found some good friends I still have to this day. Definitely worth trying to get out of the bubble as scary and possibly painful as it is.
Hey hey hey Hold it right there, Anon Didn't you know that it's against the Unwritten Rules of the Cool Kids' Club to be independent of the arbitration and validation of the Great Council of Normal People? You may be punished with horrible things, such as being denied of the company of people that don't care about you, or even worse, such as *gasp* being undesired by people you care not about! CAN'T YOU SEE HOW HORRIFYING THIS IS?!
And now you can include the filler friend because you got more different friends so you can overly invite them even if they say no people like to be invited.
100% feel this. In middle school, I had a friend group that constantly left me out of absolutely everything. They would constantly go to each other's houses and such, yet I would never be invited. I talked to them multiple times about the way I felt, and I was basically told that I was wrong. This has still affected my mental health due to the depression following after I cut them off. I always had a hard time making friends, so I never really recovered. Basically, I can say being left out is just as bad as having no friends at all.
When I'm in a group, and a filler friend is there, I usually try to include them to the best of my abilities. The hard thing about doing that, is that they have a tendency to imprint on you. I wanted to have a nice conversation, get to know them and maybe make a friend. But I end up feeling like I then have to entertain them for the rest of the evening, because they'll end up all alone otherwise. When I was really here to spend time with the people I am already friends with. And I just don't have the social skills and battery to keep up the engagement with both. What I'm trying to say is, when you are a filler friend, you also have to make an effort to include yourself in the whole group. Don't just endlessly wait for someone to come to you. You want to be a part of the group, not just acquainted with one person in it.
It can be for many reasons, they dun wanna fuk it up, they dunno how to upkeep the vibe, the topics they're interested in are widely different or feels indebted to being adopted ibto the circle / feels like a charity case / freak show.
I feel the same way. I tend to watch the group from a far, and I notice the ones that don't mingle with the main circle. Sometimes they are just vibing away from the main members, sometimes they are falling out of the group. Or, they are socially awkward and as you commented will imprint on you. I won't lie, it does make me awkward sometimes.
Does anyone else here imagine conversations in their head when they're alone? I feel like I can have an endless conversation in my head but when it comes to hanging out with people my mind seems blank. Like where did all my questions and interesting things to say go?
They're super easy. Like Mc Dojos where you learn martial arts but never test them in the ring. The questions aren't interesting or they aren't easy to understand, the interesting things to say are only interesting to you specifically, the good jokes are cringe minimum, your arguments break like biscuits...
12:50 I think "can I come?" is the most important part of this video. If you've felt like a filler friend for a while, never being invited to stuff, the response this question gets will tell you if keeping this group of friends is even worth it. If they give a rude no, drop them. If it's a polite no (like "not this time because xyz reason") then try asking the next couple times they make plans. If it's always no, you may want to find a new group. If they say yes, follow what Dr. K said. No matter what, asking "can I come?" will help you. Worst case scenario is they laugh at you and say no... but then you know you don't have to waste your time with them.
That's why you shouldn't say "can I come" but the other version he said that already expect you to be rejected. If it happens it'll still hurt but you'll think "that's what I thought" or "at least I didn't sound desperate".
@@iiCounted-op5jx It´s hard to tell what´s a bully or a friend on a person head that is bullied, because when you never had a true friend, you may find that psychologically bullying is just a "joke" and sometimes they are "friendly" just to get something out of you. Cycle: "be friends with the bully" > bullies you > you try to cut the relationship > he comesback "friendly" < cycle of bullying someone Unfortunately they will never until something "dramatical" happens.
This hits hard as not the 'filler friend' but one of the core members of the group that sees all perspectives and trying to sort out inviting the filler friends because most of them don't have anywhere else to go. I kinda just want to invite the core people because they are the most fun and all that but at the same time I feel bad that other people are sitting at home and want to invite them too.
man, i love his interaction with the chat, its pretty unique, is like he is literally teaching and also having a great conversation with them, is so cool to listen to this while doing other stuff
People who say "I don't like small talk" are the ones who expect high-level intellectual conversations all the time. I like an engaging conversation too but sometimes we just gotta chill and talk about random things.
@@kylemckinney_22 Or that big talk is "high level intellectual conversation". Because, like, dude, I don't wanna talk philosophy, I just wanna spend an hour telling someone about the first draft of the the transformers the movie script.
I think the first thing people need to do is learn the difference between friends and acquaintances. Also be the lead of your own story. Be the one to invite others rather than just waiting for other people and go from there.
One glaring issue... I tried to take things into my own hands. Being the one who reaches out to the friend group and invite them to do stuff. That only works if the people you're inviting actually take you seriously. If you're the filler friend nobody really respects you or thinks you're worthwhile to spend time on. Nobody really knows you to take you very seriously. Its like you're an NPC in a video game handing out low level side quests to the players and they just skip you because they they think the quest rewards aren't worth pursuing. What ended up happening is that nobody wanted to go, the few who said they're interested just said it because they felt pity, then flaked out in the last moment. In the end nobody went and nothing happened
@@inquisitionagent9052 Skipped a step. The first thing I said is to know the difference between friends and acquaintances. Those aren't really friends. They might as well be just co-workers. Friends you will have similar interests with that make you want to be around each other. Not be the others shadow, but rather equals. Just being in the same social circle doesn't make you friends. But you can draw friends from the hand you were dealt if you find intrigue in any of them. I've always want the way of meeting up with people through different shared hobbies. Also finding out who they are is highly important. Don't be afraid to ask about them. Find their likes and dislikes to see what aligns with your own. If they have a hobby you don't have that you find interesting, you can pick their brain about it to start up conversations and go from there. People like when you take interest in the things they are passionate about. When they see that, there is a high likely chance you can bond over it and develop a connection. If you stay as the one who wait for them to come to you, it'll be like you are the kid that gets picked last on a basketball game. You can try being the one who does the picking. Hell, you can even make your own discord group and draw in people who have different interests that align with yours or you are curious about ans go from there. Even shit as simple as creating watch parties you can laugh eat and drink over. Games. Sometimes even debates can lead to friendship if you show you are the type who is also good at listening and being understanding of their side while holding true to your own values. The best way to secure friendships imo is to learn about them and through that, educate them about who you are as well. Also don't be afraid to go find others if the group you are around aren't cutting it. You don't need to be co-signed to the idea of hanging around those who show a lack of interest in you and better off discovering those who do.
@@inquisitionagent9052 you are talking about very bad experiences and either about a group of assholes or with a very warped perception (sounds like very little self esteem in general). real friends do not see you as worthless. and if possible, you should try to avoid dealing with people who see ANYONE as worthless (if they reall do, again, I suspet your perception is shaped by low self esteem)
Ayyo I think I had this issue with a old high school friend group of gamers turned acquaintances once college started (Csgo n League of Legends all that jazz) when I moved away from my home city for school, at that point if they start ostracizing/antagonizing you or showing no interest, it should be in your best interest in taking care of yourself and drop the group, in my case, a discord server. If they didn't care to hear you out, they wouldn't care if you left either. Just my take on these "friends." You just exhaust yourself out thinking about the What If's and cope to get over it in the end. @Ronzeru has some further wisdom in his comment.
I am a filler friend all throughout my life and in college I decided I needed to change myself. So I decided to take initative and do things on my own without waiting for other people to ask me. Guess what? ✨now I have no friends✨
Holy shit same, before I was putting a fake persona to at least sit at lunch with someone but now that I don't do that it feels like I'm invisible.(same school with the same people for 6 years) :/
i was a filler friend within a friend group that I went to school with, it was one among many things that were totally f*cking up my mental health to the point I had to take a year off from school, I started focusing on what I actually enjoyed doing, setting up boundries and choosing who my friends are, thing have gotten a lot better since then
I break being a filler friend BY FORCE. Just be nuts and admit that you're nuts. You have to do it right, but people more often than not like unhinged energy.
joe strummer had this where he liked to add a bit of chaos to situations, it keeps things interesting, it gets people out of slumps, it moves life along. People also like it when they look more "normal" and that person helps that
Did the same, decided to be unhinged and just be me and be real. Most people can appreciate and respect that cuz its raw and genuine. But dont misconstrue real with asshole, those are 2 different things.
I'm not a filler friend, I'm a therapist friend, meaning people stick when things are awful with them and the minute they get better suddenly I'm invisible just like back when we were teens and my best friend started to ditch me as soon as she became popular and would hang out with me when she needed someone to listen and figure out her problems.
Yes yes yes It happens to me. They come to vent and leave to go back to "fun, party" friends. I prefer doing things other than drink and party so I'm just there because I'm good at listening. Funny how we usually don't overshare and then nobody supports us, we always support others
It's not right, but sometimes advocating for ourselves by speaking up goes a long way.... We can't expect others to have the power to read our mind and emotions. At least until Elon comes out with his chip! 😃
You need to provide more value than just being someone people can talk to about their problems. If you're going out of your way to make activities and to be around people with similar interests, then this sort of thing doesn't happen because the people around you genuinely enjoy being around you
Not everyone can be invited to everything. In a group, every individual has an independent relationship with everyone else. These relationships don't materialize out of thin air. I think too many people are worried about having friends and getting invited, just on face value, not really paying attention to the substance of those friendships. Just because someone has mutual interests doesn't mean they are your friend.
@terminaldeity - I've noticed this too, it's not just interests alone that create friendships as I foolishly used to think. In your opinion, if it isn't just shared interests what more is it? Is it personality/character/common life situations?
@@PreYeah sorry, I just wanted to add my opinion, even though I wasn’t asked lol. In my opinion, it’s the amount of time given to each other and specifically that one person. If you’re always in a group then there’s no time to bond with one person. My closest friends have been with me for years and that’s what makes our bond strong. It’s a lot of effort and you have to pick your people right, but when you find that good, unshakeable person, it’s all worth it.
@@lumenx7499 true, i believe based on my own experiences true friendships go through fire and brimstone, where people both fight and grow as each other The Closest Friends i had for 6 years are made by trials we faced and to this day i trust them with anything. and they do the same to me too
You know, I would always be upset that they didn't invite me to a 3-4 person hangout in a 10 person group. But then I realized that having me there would just not make sense, either because they have a different group dynamic or the new group would have a different dynamic that they don't really wish right now. I too started hanging out in a 3-4 person group and it all made perfect sense to me. I completely agree with you on the "everyone has an independent relationship with each other" part. When you force that relationship, you just become a filler friend.
you know the 'joke' responses in chat are actually pretty good. If i said ''looks like a volcano is erupting'' and the person looked at me and replied ''volcanos are dope, can i come'', that would be a sarcastic back and forth i would be delighted to unravel.
Yeah, you can say something really blunt and goofy, but say it with complete confidence and the person will think you're funny and cool instead of awkward and random.
In fairness, the reason that's funny is because of the earlier context. Without knowing that you're referring to this conversation advice, it might just come off as random and weird.
You know what you gotta do. Hang around the group for the few sweet crumbs of human interaction, or leave the group and look for some real friends. There's bound to be people somewhere that want to be around you, you just have to find them.
this was the most relatable thing ever,it blew my mind when i started the video and saw the reddit post,ofc its not a problem anymore for me luckily god bless,but its a horrible feeling cuz if u have bad family issues then u jus feel completely alone.and alot of times you cant get out of it cuz ur to akward.they dont hate u,but could never say they care bout u,i had this problem for a long time,luckily i found away to jus forget about it every time and restart so i would stop being in shame and being akward over and over again and instead be happy,refreshed,and unshamed because i would jus forget bout it and try again,now these people are my best friends.i love them.for all of u other people who have this problem,i feel u my friend,trust me keep trying,dont put pressure on ur self ,u will see brighter days,trust u will,even if it takes over a year [lmao thats wat happened to me but it was worth it]
Takeaways of how to be a better NPC: → Perceived interest plays a significant role in inclusion of activities. → 1-2 punch of interactions: reflection or a reaction comment and question of ambiguity. → Be careful of the what ifs that holds you back. → You have to go through the small talk to get to the deeper ones.
Can we do more videos about friendships? It's so hard to keep friends these days. It feels like everyone is so busy with life that they don't have time for you anymore. I've stopped trying to keep friends and just started talking to people. It works sometimes but when you don't see them often enough you just fade into the background even if you guys really hit it off. It's frustrating and doesn't make me want to even socialise with anyone
Yeah... I'm 35 now and I gave up on trying to be social. I've become antisocial and now I feel bored when I'm not alone. It's weird. Now when people talk about being lonely it feels so alien to me. It's like being a robot and trying to understand human desire for affection.
This was me in highschool and college, I always seemed to fade into the background. In college I decided to let go of those friends and start fresh at university. I started with 1 to 1 friendships which eventually turned into all of us forming a larger friendship group yet I still kept my 1 to 1 friendship with everyone. With each friendship I’m able to connect with them whether it’s similarity in personality or hobbies we like. If a friend likes tennis, ask to join them in a session, who knows you might like or hate it. Try have some sort of relationship with each of them first. You’ll find your closer to some than others which is okay. I did this, I become less of a filler friend and more of a friend which was included and present when we all were in a group together.
This is what I'm trying to do. Instead of forcing acceptance in a set group I'm trying to reach out to different people and have those "1 on 1 friendships". Trying to create mutual bonds from shared interests. If a friend is into games I can talk about games. If a friend is into books they're my book friend whom I can talk about and recommend books. If a friend is into anime then anime friend. Hell I don't even like sports but I'll follow sports just so the guy who's into it can have a conversation with me. Problem is that I think I just had bad luck with these people. I end up being left out no matter how much I try to engage on my end. I'm just "that one guy I'm kinda cool with". I end up looking like the desperate one begging for their time and attention. Putting in all the effort to connect and getting none in return. And its creating resentment ngl. I'm starting to withdraw, to seethe in my own misfortune instead of fixing it. I dont want to but somewhere in my subcontious I'm starting to hate people. And that's only making it worse. Only pushing away future prospective friends. Don't really know what to do other than keep trying. Keep bashing my head against a seemingly immovable wall till either one breaks
@@inquisitionagent9052 I was going to comment “make the first move, create an environment where you can invite people to together” however as I was reading the other comments, I came across one where you commented stating you did this and was unsuccessful. I don’t know anything about you however if you have siblings and somewhat have a decent relationship with them, hang out with them, I did that, turns out they’re more than just siblings (even if I am the one paying however I’m the oldest, I’m sure they will repay the favour in the future lol). 2. Sounds cliché but what’s yours will be yours. If you put in the effect to maintain these friendships and your receiving nothing back…let it go. Let the effort your putting into these friendships go or let the people go. If months go by no one is including you or simply ignoring you take that as a sign to move on. Who knows you might be surprised since you took a step back, they come to you 3. Friendships/ Friendships groups will come at the right time, sometimes when you least expect it. Don’t let the feeling of resentment stop you, it’s hard, its okay to feel downhearted but try to be open to others, when the opportunity presents itself you’ll be open to explore them. 4. Travel, who knows you might be lucky 5. Know the difference between friends and acquaintances, saw this commented else where. Ask yourself if an important event was to happen ect wedding, would you be happy inviting them there, to be by your side.
@@PrettyIntrovert_9 I can relate. My younger brother is both family and friend. He's one of the few things keeping me going. Gotta be there for him and set a good example. If anything I thank you for the reminder
@@allyson-- As far as I’m aware, no. Friendships that did require begging I cut ties with during college. Wasn’t an easy decision or easy to act upon. I felt isolated and lonely for the most part. I went into university with essentially 0 friends. Surface level issues I have with my friendships/group isn’t feeling like a filler friend but actually trying to find time to spend time together due to everyone having different schedules.
I've had this experience with (6 of my group co workers). It was weird because we were all co workers (not friends) but we hanged out-outside of work all like friends. Over time our group got so divided and people like me felt so disconnected from the group. My group was both male and female I think what happend was gossip and miscommunication amongst the group. But the problem was none of us were friends. I guess what we had was a (situation-ship). Also I just think some the people in the group didn't like others in the group but kept themselves in the group as filler friends. Honestly how I felt in this group I would just rather be alone. This you can't blame on the group exclusively but at the same time it's not ideal or fun to hang around this type of situation. Your always wondering if your in the group as an accessory and it wrecks your self esteem.
Been a filler friend for much of my life. It's a benefit because you have the privacy to plan your next move, whether it be finding a new job, learning new skills, or moving. Socially, I accepted that my time was better spent alone or with people who do appreciate my time. You are your own person capable of paving your own path for success.
It’s honestly so easy to get into deeper conversation, even from the dreaded weather conversation. For example, “it’s so hot today. I’m not used to this weather” “Oh where are you from?” “I’m from Minneapolis” “Really? I have a buddy studying at Minneapolis and he loves it there, did you grow up at Minneapolis?” This is an actual conversation I had with a random lady I sat next to in 4 hour flight the just other day. We ended up talking for about 3 hours and we had conversation about her daughter and what’s she’s doing, and all kind of deep conversation. I went from weather to where she grew up in about 2 questions.
This is actually why I like small talk. It gives a natural way of pivoting into conversational topics you might not have thought of otherwise. Asking personal questions very quickly might catch some people off guard, and small talk makes the process a lot more comfortable for both parties
@@herdoman5169 Then there is no small talk in first place. Relax and just chill, silence is not awkward. I don't force any conversation if they don't want to talk to me. I thought we were talking about how people hate having to participate in small talk, no?
I found it way easier to fit into a group when the group is fresh and newly formed. I don't know how you would go about creating a new group but it's definitely much easier to fit in.
Yes this is true. I have a online friend group that existed for years thanks to our same interests, throughout 2020 - 2022 i basically disappeared into focusing on myself and reappeared out of boredom with new people i haven't seen before Nowadays when i try to spark up a conversation everyone would just see the message and wont respond unless they need to ask a question nor another member starts something. This have been rotting at my core and making me feel insecure and a filler only, i was thinking of outright leaving since i know nobody cares
@@JudicialBrat well on the flip side, if you never communicated and just disappeared, they could’ve seen that as you not wanting to continue the friendship. It’s happened to me and it doesn’t feel nice to know that the friendship wasn’t even worth communicating that you wanted to take time for yourself and you won’t respond for a while, esp when the relationship is fully online. You don’t even have to go into details, just say something. W that friend I don’t really respond like I used to either, because their actions/lack thereof spoke for them in that period of absence
One way to do it is create a new hobby with parts of that already existing friend group. You do not participate in everything they do but you now participate in stuff that some of them enjoy.
It's really not about that and I think you missed the whole point of the video. In most social situations, it may be hard to admit, but a failure in "fitting in" is usually a fault on your part, your failure to adapt. The truth is, is that sure, there will be people that will try and manipulate you and take advantage of you in a friendship, but if you are the "filler friend" or you constantly feel left out of social situations then, more than likely it, is completely your fault for not putting yourself out there enough. No one is going to coddle you in social situations, no one wants to sit there and only put their focus on making YOU feel included, people are going to prioritize their own fun and make sure that THEY have a good time, and if you aren't trying to do the same that is your own fault.
@@overlord9323 sure but would you really call them your " friend " if that's the case? What you describe is what my group of coworkers feels like and it's not at all like my friend group where we actually care if one of my buddies is feeling down or left out. 🤔
@@overlord9323 yes, that is what a lot of people do but in a lot of cases, people do make an effort to fit in but are still the filler friend. Not everyone is going to like you.
How about your unpopular one by default. You cannot make friends if they are based against you. Here example, you're a geek 🤓. What group do you fit with ? People will reject you based on you look, status and emotional well-being. He born with speaking impediment or he have Autistic. He dumb I don't wanna be friends with him. It doesn't change when the people grow up. If you don't get then you are normal.
I've experienced this for a short while in school. I was with a friend group that always talked about things I wasn't really interested in so I hang with them because I guess it's better than being alone. After a while I kinda drifted off and made my own way and own friends. I actually focused on myself and sort of became more interesting by doing other things like martial arts, boxing, gym, relationships. These things make you interesting and have something of value to add as well as developing yourself over time. My biggest advice is to contribute by becoming someone noteworthy and focusing on levelling up yourself. For me I'm imagining a school setting but this applies to an adult moreso.
I've been a filler friend for the longest time, but I'm afraid to talk due to feeling judged, same with going out and doing activities. It's been holding me back for years, I don't want to be like this anymore. Seeing this video made me feel seen and identify what's going on. Thank you
There are two people that I call best friends, and I deeply adore these two, but in my head I know that they're the "best friends" and i'm their "casual friend" It doesn't bother me, but knowing this makes me feel like I'm in need of an actual friend who wouldn't just treat me like a filler. Been months, still looking.
damnn ik how that feels like even though I've only experienced it online instead of irl, it makes u feel like u care about them more than they care about u, and the fact that they have other friends makes it feel like they like their other friends more than they like you, it's a draining feeling.
I feel you. I actually interact with lots of people at my university hoping to get some close individuals but most of them already have their circles and something like that. It is actually even lonelier when you live around the campus filled with people... I hope for the best ❤
if they're making group plans in front of you and deliberately leaving you out, they just don't like you. time to love yourself, and find new friends. personally, i would put being alone before a group that doesn't even value me. however, if you are consistently finding yourself unheard or comments falling flat, you should take an acting or improv class. nobody thinks to do this, but those classes literally teach you to get over performance anxiety and how to speak clearly, enunciate, project your voice, and express emotions effectively. probably one of the things i'm most grateful for as a kid was that my parents put me in theater. i'm able to pretend to be very confident most of the time even if i don't feel that way. it's helped me especially in landing job interviews.
I definitely felt what you’ve been saying, in high school my “friends” did that shit with me, they acted like they were my friends but excluded me bc I was different, but I found better people who like me and invite me to spend time with them. I’m taking an acting class right now btw and it’s fucking great and I made some good friends in that class.
@@evanmaldonado9799 the thing about high school is that literally none of that will matter by the time you're in your 20s. it hurts like h*ll at the time, but it only serves to make us stronger adults. i wish adults would tell teenagers this more often, instead of "these are the best years of your life." hope that they aren't! nobody wants to peak in high school anyway. glad you are enjoying acting so much!
Nah dude it happens me and my friends all have pretty shitty attention spans or are top focused on the conversation we will be discussing plans someone will speak up and we will be like “oh hi when did you get here” I was a filler friend for awhile then I started speaking to them and they realized hey he’s actually pretty chill we should invite him to more things.
I've been thinking about making a voluntary run for the exit the past year and I was planning on doing it with a well placed para bellum on my left temple. Everyone thinks I'm doing better but I'm just happy to near the end of my suffering. Wanna be friends?!😂
@@AnotherDante Hey, I don't know if it was a joke or not, but I'd rather take the chance. There are more options and ways to change our lives, even though I know none of them could seem possible or realistic right know, sometimes the process makes the change before we even notice. There's always a chance to improve while trying something new, and even though I don't know you I'll keep you on my mind hoping and wishing you the best
@@AnotherDante Suicide has been on my mind ever since I was 12. It was all that could think of, it was hard thinking of something else without the thought of me offing myself. When I was 14 I tried out a thing where I would go at least one more day without trying or thinking on how to off myself, and that I'll save it for tomorrow. Of course suicide was on my mind but it was going to be a problem for the next day. Then when the next day hits, I postponed it for the next day once again. I have been postponing it for around 3 years now and it's been going better, with life in general has been improving. Having things to look forward for today is awsome, I'll just save the whole self unalive thing for tomorrow. Edit: I realize my comment may not have the best advice, I'm still learning so please take this with a grain of salt. What I tried to say is that you should look forward to the good things, or find things to look forward to. Such as meeting with a club or hanging out with friends. It usually brings a bit of happiness that helps ease the pain of loneliness. Depression I something that I believe can not be beaten or completely deafeted. It may always be a part of our lives, we just need to live with an open mind. I'm no expert on this sort of thing, just be careful out there mate.
I was a filler friend through a lot of high school, and always assumed I was in college too. Then I realized that I was the one who organized things, because I assumed that people wouldn’t invite me to other things, and that I wasn’t the filler friend in that group, I was the “glue” friend. It threw me for a loop that I could be that person after 10 years of getting used to being the filler. I don’t know what the message of this is, but maybe it’s that some day… you will find that group. I mean it might not last forever, my group is drifting apart since we’ve finished college and are moving to adulthood, but I’m so happy to know that I can be that glue. Gives me hope for the future.
After having being the one always inviting people, always starting conversations and doing small talk with people and creating friendships out of thin air, I ended always been excluded without being it verbal all the time. People making plans in front of you, people not feeling your vibe. Placing expectations on people only leads to suffering. I just went my own way and try now to enjoy life alone until I find people who are similar to me and SHARE reciprocity with me. I'm not doing anything anymore socially. It left me drained and feeling suicidal for 9 years now. I have no problem to be social but I am numb to social interactions because of them are acquaintances and lead to nothing most of the time. Do something you like and let people tag along. Chose people who chose you not the other way around.
ive been in a similar situation. what ended up happening was that the friend group made a discord that i joined and i was alot less socially anxious there and more willing to crack jokes which eventually translated irl. I also just made sure i made it clear i wanted to go hang out with them even if it was just to chill out and vibe. Now ive been on several vacation trips with them and i can safely call them my friends.
I would more describe my role in the group as a 'glue friend'. On so many occasions I would bring together two unlikely parties into one big (big for me) group, and everyone would get along in this setting. I was the catalyst for so many long lasting bonds to form between others. But as soon as they did connect, I was suddenly put onto the back burner in terms of interest. Those two people who then became close would start to hang out, by themselves. I would be dropped from group activities or parties. My interests and my invitations would go unrequited, excused or ignored until I would just give up. Once is an unfortunate circumstance twice is a coincidence but three times is a pattern.
I really can relate to this. I make friends and introduce them to my other friends. We start hanging out together. They become much closer and start to drop me from activities. Then the only time we hang out is when I ask them to. I realise they have a separate group chat without me and met up while I have no clue. They meet less and less with me and I start to get insecure. I don’t initiate meet up’s that often and then when time goes by withdraw from the group. This has happened atleast three times now and I don’t know how to change it.
When I stopped inviting a friend to certain events, he talked to me about it after a few months. I told him that I thought he didn't like going because he always complained about it. He said he just wanted to hang out with us even though he hated the activity, I told him he needed to stop because it makes the rest of us feel horrible. He didn't stop complaining but at least toned it down a lot. In this same group I also feel like a filler friend depending on the activity/subject, I feel like that's okay.
I was traumatized by almost complete ostracization from all my classmates in elementary school and middle school and in high school I became the filler friend. I have since figured out all these things on my own but damn I wish this video existed when I was in high school and someone had talked to me about this. Everyone just kind of expected me to know this stuff and nobody, not my peers, teachers, or parents, ever talked to me about anything. I was also ostracized by the "mean girls" to an extent and they sabotaged the few friendships I did start to build, but if someone had explicitly told me this, I think I would have had a lot more courage to keep trying. You are helping so much Dr. K!
You have no idea how much I LOVE your videos. They help so much to have a better understanding of social conventions and creations (ego, shame, being a filler friend) and ADHD. I'm infinitely grateful for everything you're doing for us
Acquaintance: "I've lost my father to suicide." Average person: "I'm so sorry to hear that... Do you want to talk about it?" Me, Dr. K enjoyer: "Suicide is DOPE! What method did he use?"
We have reached peak comedy. It is physically not possible to imagine something funnier than this. This joke was so hillarious it caused permament damage to my body, which was 100% worth it
Small talk is just that 1-2 punch over and over again and it's true what Dr.K says you will get into a really long conversation with people even when you don't want to. Sometimes people don't respond to the 1-2 punch and at that point you gotta see what's happening cause it's either 1. They don't know how to do small talk and are stuck, or 2. They don't want to talk to you, and believe it or not #2 Is way better than 1. If someone doesn't want to talk to you, you can leave them alone with no issue and it's great. With #1 They want to talk and then feel bad when you walk away and that sucks.
Its really eye opening when you actually work on and improve your conversation. There's this notion most everyone has that "everyone else but me" is a fluent master of social skills and its really eye opening when you realize its not. While its definitely a more advanced skill, learning to carry a conversation can really help invite people into your life.
@@TheGreektrojanIt's particularly sad when you meet this type on like a dating app or Facebook message from a new friendly online acquaintance so it's not even in-person interaction but all they know to say ever are one word replies to what you ask and never ask you anything back. They might've even started the conversation with a "hi". But it's like pulling teeth to try to have a conversation since they aren't pulling their weight but it's so often due to extreme lack of skill. In my cases it's more often than not that I've come across an autistic person.
I didn't realise how socialising got so much easier all of a sudden after being that filler friend for most of my school life. I attributed it to 'growing up' but just now reflecting back, I started doing that one two punch thing without realising and at the same time started ignoring those 'what ifs' that were controlling me. Super interesting to hear someone explain these mental and social processes!
Asking questions is really a huge part in being part of the conversation, and I feel like a big part of why people feel that they shouldn't do so, or they'd be afraid to look stupid and dumb comes from the classroom. Teachers tend to get mad when you do ask a question cause it's either derailing the lesson or it was something already discussed and everyone should already know about. In a social setting, it's fine not to know everything, but not so in a standard classroom which many kids grow up in.
used to be a filler friend. learned to treat them the same and get better friends. I'd suggest steadily falling into a group that acknowledges you as a person. helped me out some.
Long story short, of youre the "filler" friend then youre just tolerated but not actually wanted. Find new real friends which actually like to hang out with you.
Some friends think like this: "I invite you because others are unavailable/want you to be the third wheel when I go out with a girl". But sometimes, they do think that you are not interested like dr k said in the video.
exactly! there is a difference between being tolerated and being friends. maybe you're just the less horrible person in class, but not exactly friends. sometimes you just won't find friends in your class and that's okay
Okay but how. Y'all always love saying "just do x" but you have to realize every step of the process us difficult for some people. Not everything is as easy or simple for other people as it may be for you.
"Smile" I wish I knew how. I can't smile on purpose; it only happens when I'm actually feeling something worth smiling about. If I try to smile when I'm not feeling it, it just turns into a grimace. I've tried practicing smiles but like, it feels *awful* to try to force a smile, and it kind of makes me want to not smile.
nah literally every single friend in my group is valuable and the group is weaker without each person. love you aidan, jordan, mitchell, tyler, aaron, martin and nolan
A few years ago, I also thought I hated small talks just because I was not interested in the topics that most people talk about in small talks. But I've learned I actually make small talks with my closest friends and family about anything I'm interested in. You can even small talk about anime or games. The fact that you have a special interest already makes you a very interesting person.
I feel like inviting people based on perceived interest is just... not being a good friend. I invite all of my friends from my group to everything social that I plan. Whoever is interested comes along, because for example they might not be as obsessed with cinema as I am usually but might want to see this particular movie I'm going to or think "I haven't gone to the cinema in ages" and want to give it a go. It also just doesn't consider people who are overall quieter and don't express excitement outwardly. It shows me that someone isn't exactly the most considerate person. I've been the filler friend before but for a very specific reason. There was a certain person in the group who would purposely talk over me and plan stuff around my schedule so I can't come, and no one would do anything about it. I later realised its because she liked my boyfriend. I'm not friends with those people anymore.
A year ago, i had my close 2 friends and some people i was friendly with and could talk to. I was friendly with most people in my class but i didnt really realize (until recently) that i was a bit of an outcast. In this last year, ive basically made friends with almost everyone around me, including my whole class and others in the area. One of the most impactful moment was when i was with another friend group. We had a party and when i said i had to leave, one said that i cant because im an "essential member" of the group.
@ Senator Dodo 🦤 Are you still an outcast do you think? How did you get over your outcast-dom? I am friendly with a lot of people and I guess I feel empty with it; I may have a cognitive distortion and think people don’t like me and it just put up with me. I guess I’m a jokester too and I’m thinking that’s a problem, I have the inkling that I push people away. Sometimes I think people find friendliness as needy and maybe it is in fact a correct assessment.
I dont think i grew out of it as much as i just got lucky. I happened to be in positions where i could talk to people. A good thing to keep in mind is: Am i talking/interacting with people? If yes and you still feel like you dont it in, id analyze myself and the people im talking to to try and figure out whats not clicking. From my experience, theres no need to over analyze what someone thinks of you. There are very few people who will view your friendliness as needy. Theres a lot of stuff that goes into social interaction, it depends on so many factors that its difficult to give concrete advice, as a lot of it will be situation dependant. Maybe they are just in a bad mood today so they seem a little more distant or annoyed by you (as an example). A good thing to do though is to initiate. People like to stay in their comfort zone so often youre going to have to be the one to reach out of your own comfort zone and talk to people. Try talking to people who you havnt talked to before. Also, being honest with people is good. If need be, ask them directly how they view you.
@@ikissedmymom I can relate to you. I'm friendly with everyone, but it feels like nobody notices it when I'm not present. That is definitely also because I like to spend a lot of time on my on and I probably give of that type of vibe. One thing that helped me is to create a sub circle within that group that meets regularly. In my case I think that the lack of sharing hobbies was part of why I I felt empty in those social interactions. So I asked two people if they want to spend every other Friday where we take turns sharing our hobbies to each other. Luckily that worked for me. Since we take turns in preparing for what we do that evening, it is not a one-sided event. So the neediness is less pronounced in that setting. Also it helps not only sharing yourself but also learning to listen to stuff you might not be interested in. Another thing which this helps is that those two people prioritize this meeting over most other events. So that helps my subconscious to realize, that they don't just put up with me. Especially since we hold the meeting even if one of us doesn't have time.
This is me EXACTLY!!! I remember so many times in High school and college when this happened to me. Just as he described it. And sometimes I would say something like, "That sounds fun, I'll be there too." And after everyone looked around at each other, one of the guys would say. YOU'RE NOT INVITED.
i was a filler friend and prontly rebelled against it, never wanted to be on the sidelines so I made my own group with others and promised myself i would never let someone feel like THAT kind of friend ever again, or at least I'll try
Same!! I am always the type to invite everyone and make eye contact with everyone to make all people feel included especially if I notice some folks are being quiet. Because I know what it feels like to feel left out even if you’re the one leaving yourself out and everyone’s just kinda following ur lead.
@@Popopatop absolutely true! we should always keep it up and let everyone feel included because they are no less than us and others! i really appreciate you commenting your same experience have a nice day mate!
This is how I’ve felt almost all my life. And yeah, sometimes just actually being alone feels (slightly) better. Not much better, but at least it’s not actively painful. 💔
That was basically me the entirety of elementary school, teacher forced some girls from my group to include me to their friends circle, so I just existed there but they never truly made an effort to know me and instead started bully me. I would rather hide myself in the toilets during lunch than being with them.
Can we talk about why someone wouldn't participate in the friend group? Because sometimes its not a matter of trying, taking the initiative and participating. Sometimes the friend group simply sees you as a background prop, an NPC, something to not be taken seriously. If you are the "background friend", even if you try to take initiative and plan events with your "friends". They wont take your plan seriously. Because the baseline perception is that whatever you plan will be dull/boring/not worthwhile/a waste of time. They don't really know you or respect you as a matter of fact. What ends up happening is that they say yes out of pity, flake st the last moment, or flat out say no and do their own thing. They'll go do something else that another friend planned or worse plan without you. Its like you're an NPC that gives the players a side quest but they just skip it and do something else. Something they think is more worthwhile or fun or gives better loot in the end. I know I sound pessimistic af but I'm saying this because this happened to me.
Happened to me too. You're the clown, the court jester. And the worst thing, and the most revealing thing for me - was when you tried to stand up for yourself. Best example is when I was bantering with the group, and someone made fun of me. I clapped back with a better insult, and EVERYONE laughed at the kid who insulted me. Well he didn't like that one bit, and it quickly got physical. Why? Why did that happen at that instant? Nothing I said was particularly barbed or nasty, and nobody else got physical. It was because if he let me get the better of him, he lost status. Nobody wants to be bested by the designated loser of the group.
@@jonnyb569 yeah... and the more I realize it the more bitter and resentful I get. It just demoralizes my to go out and try again with new people. Kind of a self fulfilling prophecy of defeat tbh.
@@inquisitionagent9052 Idk if you want advice, but I see myself in you and I think I have valuable insight. It seems like you are very thoughtful and I was in a very similar place to you about 3 months ago. I've always only had the kind of friends you were describing. But then some drama happened and I was forced to make new friends. And omg it is so much better. They literally respond to all my texts, plan stuff and invite me, and reach out of their own accord. If the people that you think about when someone asks "who are your friends" dont do those things, then its time to let those people go. Its really hard and scary at first, but you gotta do it if you want to be happy and not be the filler friend Because those people are the wrong people for you and will never see you for how amazing you truly are Other people will!!! You just gotta find em Much love and good luck💖
The one-two punch thing was really good to hear. I as a lot of questions when I talk to people, and I often worry that I sound like I'm interrogating them. But pretty much anytime they give a response I just do a reflexive little "cool!" and move onto the next question so I guess that one word is what's saving me lol
Trying to understand friendships is difficult and frustrating. I can’t control what they will do, but I can control what I do, so I will be the friend to others I wish I had.
This is one of the first healthy gamer videos I watched where I feel like I didn't gain much insight, but it was good to reflect on how I interact with people. I guess my big problem is just being there when invitations are sent out, but it hard with how everything is done online now and in dms. I invited myself to a concert back in April for an artist I had never listened to cause I ranted in a discord channel about not feeling invited and then heard about the event from a friend who was invited. So I guess I'm kind of there. The one two punch thing is definitely something I've been using for a long time though, I just find people stop conversating after the second question, or if something deeper was brought up, communication will stop once that conversation topic comes to a close.
I felt this way in my 20's because of fear of others judgement. As I'm now in my 30's it's been easier to let go of that and go with either others will like me or not and am much more apt to act like my real self. Thanks dr k for all the great videos and have been watching for just over a year now.
@WrappedCorn more or less just know that you need to change or grow in one way or another. For me it was just got tired of being lonely and having few friends and knew if I wanted to improve my situation that change was inevitable.
@WrappedCorn yeah i had struggled in my 20's being too much of a doormat and over time getting into late 20's practiced self care and self improvement more witch made things much easier as I've gotten older. Yeah for me at least it was a gradual change of not caring what others think.
Definitely I have been filler friend for many years and still to this day, my family moved many times across the country so I always started fresh every three years. I have focused on finding my career path. If you were around in 2014 and I watched your videos, I probably would have turned out more social.
I had a really long rough patch in my life where i felt like a kind of secondary friend, or filler friend as he says lol. I never felt like someones "best friend" even though i considered some people mine over time. It always felt like my friend group only included me if i made a big effort to be interesting and cool to them, or if they had something to gain. There was alot of nepotism in the group too, and when i realized all this stuff, i kinda took a step back, and mixed with depression and big stuff happening at the time, i felt like i had no one, and being surrounded by all of them made it so much worse. Eventually, you have to realize that its a really toxic environment, and that sometimes we dont belong with some people, even if you used to. Make youre own path, make new friends, or try and fail and try again. Anything ends up being better for you than staying with those you used to call friends, not out of malice or failure on anyones part, just the effect of time on our social standings.
The small talk part was soo true! I've met this guy on Tinder who told me that he's not into "what do you do for living?" questions, but prefers ones like "what do you know about platypuses?" I was so annoyed with this approach, but couldn't comprehend why at the time lol
My best friend seems to be a filler friend and I'm not sure what advice to give her as she's a social butterfly and can be the life of the party without needing all the attention. She's done all of the things mentioned in this video and she too has a psychology degree and is empathetic and all those wonderful things. Yet for some reason she's always the one excluded whether its a group of two or a group of 10. I can't comprehend it because I could never have a friendship with anyone else like the one I have with her.
@@913_Niyala My guess is, your friend group just views her as your tag along friend. And she needs to do something by herself with those friend groups and really immerse herself with them by taking certain initiatives slowly over time.
So growing up I was a grade A+ filler friends, like really bad. What really changed, was starting to make the plans myself. I invited some of the popular friends to my house. We had so much fun, we still talk a out those all nighters I used to host. I'm still friends with those guys, I am even going to be a grooms man in One of their weddings. I initiated and was involved in the event, and where other friends fell apart I still hang with these people
@@sournois90 for me the first time was a school project, we played multi-player cod, drank way to much soda amd watched some movies. But that's not really universal advice, so here is a list of things to keep note of 1. Invite multiple people, especially initially, even if they are have fun with other people, atleast their having fun at your house and your event 2 or 3 is a fantastic number. 2. Have a variety of things to do, initially you are not gonna know what sticks, board games are fun, but not everyone likes them, video games are fun bit not everyone likes them, etc. Get a variety of stuff ready and let people choose. 3. Make sure their are snacks, food and drinks, it's amazing what just having good food can do to make you THE party host. (My friends still talk about microwave nachos I made) 4. And lastly try not to force expectations on guest let then do whatever, if their is a down moment in the night it's fine to offer suggestion, but if people are vibing talk don't try to force people to play video games.
I couldn't help but roll my eyes at the "What if you don't like small talk?" question. If you can't express verbal interest in something you want to be invited to, idk what to tell you.
Always felt I was the filler friend since highschool. The time I've finally found my real bestfriends were in my college days. We're like a group of 10 then we went our seperate ways and only 3 of us were left that still has the constant connection. It's really not the amount of people who you were with but those who stick with you till the end
You know I used to be a filler friend until a friend told me that the main reason i didnt get invited to stuff is because it would seem like i didnt want to go so then i actively started doing stuff and inviting people and hey it worked.
@@hihirblx Well, there isn't any deep method to it. You just need to consider the conversation from the other person's perspective and make sure they can engage with some kind of point you are making. If you take time to relate the thing you are talking about to something the listener knows, they will gladly learn about some new hobby and your experience with it. You will lose people if they cannot follow you.
yesterday I was talking to someone about how my social anxiety and depression started and I brought up this topic of feeling a little excluded and rejected. that's the term I was looking for, filler friend
I have quite an opposite scenario, all my "friends" just don't seem to show interest in anything and when I try to invite them somewhere or say "hey we haven't talked in a long time, wanna meet somewhere?" they just say "No, I can't I have "bla bla bla bla" to do" (note: they don't say this from time to time, they say stuff like that almost anytime I try to talk to them) or they don't respond at all!!! At this point, I don't know if they genuinely "forgot" to respond or really had many things to do or they are just making excuses and don't want to spend time with me for some reason. (Note: no, we didn't have a fight or anything).
There were times when I felt like a filler friend when I was young but now that I'm an adult I think of things a bit differently. Friendships are an investment and you can't expect people to invest in you if you're not investing in them, you can't always wait for other people to come and invite you to things or to include you in a conversation. Sometimes you have to be the one making that investment and being the initiator. Friendships are a balance between giving and taking, they don't work if you only do the taking.
When I asked my friends if I could go to a party, they all looked me dead in the face and said I was not going. Maybe I already knew somewhere in my head, but that’s when I fully realised none of them were my friends and never really have been
What the fuck dude. I wonder why they would say no like that? I can’t think of any reasons to not invite someone you know to a party where the point is to invite many people to hangout. Sorry that happened to u but at least like u said u found out their true colors. Hope u have better friends now :)
i learned that just reacting with whatever comes to your mind and smiling makes you a very likeable person. Im usually on the quiet side but working in a bar i was forced to interact with lots of people and thats just what i did, everyone learned my name fast and they where super nice.
This helped a lot right now thank you. I ve struggled with this my entire life and I am just now at 21 beginning to understand and change this. This video helps me to put my findings into perspective. Actually most of your videos do. Thank you
I have a friend who was the soul of the group. She pulled everyone together, and made everyone become thicker friends. Everyone praised how this person constantly made efforts for coordinating hangouts, calling and inviting everyone -in order to have an outing in this day and age, where everyone would rather sit at home doing nothing, instead of going out. Everyone showed her gratitude for it, and admitted that it was a great service that was being done by her. In return her efforts were reciprocated and people cherished her. I want to be like her. I want to give to people like she gave to us, and enriched our lives. If you think about it, having a friend who checks up on you, makes sure you feel included is so rare for everyone. Friendships like those are stuff of legends. And if you think about it, what does it take to create something like that? Just asking someone and getting in the habit of taking initiative. Just calling somebody in the free time to chat, and planning an outing once in a while. As simple as that, and you get a gold standard of a friendship in return. Seems like a no brainer to me.
@@arnavrawat9864 let me guess - all the people she pulls together, are they all sort of outcasts? People with few friends? People who have to rely on the one main friend in order to hang out with everyone as a group? I know people like her - it's cult leader energy.
I was that kid in high school. I was always in a circle of "friends" but I'm always at the back and in a sense, I hung out with them just so I wouldn't be alone but I never really fit in. However, because of that, I'm very forgettable, often being left behind literally and I would only find out that they left me a bit too late, most often than not having to find my way back to them and no one would even realize what happened. . Fast forward to college and I found a group of friends. I still involuntarily acted like how I did back in high school until a person in the group paid some attention and sort of nudged me into the direction of interaction. That single-handedly opened up the world to me, gave me some confidence and long story short moving forward, while I'm still an awkward mess of a person, I can now look straight ahead and look people in the eyes unlike a few years ago when the only thing I looked at most of the time was the concrete pavement.
im 100% not the filler. Everything hinges on me because we all come to my place, I am the most integral part of the group. However this makes me think about how I can be better at making sure no one feels like filler in my group. Thank you for this.
I used to a filler friend, what really got me out of there was just talking to them. I would just sit on my phone and wonder why no one would talk to me. I started joining in on conversations and slowly would talk more and more with them. When it comes to invitations, try focus in on something that the group does. For example, my group goes to the movies, hangout at our houses, go to sports games, and etc. I am really big movie fan so I got invited to the movies often and then everything else came along. Something else that guarantees an invite to go create the plan and then invite everyone else. Find a weekend where no plans are made and early on make a plan for people to come. That was an easy way for me to hangout with more friends too. You just gotta be more social and more outgoing.
Guys, we often talk about this from perspective of work on yourself, but what I think, it may be more of a people-around-you than you problem. Change the circle of people, it helped me. Anxiety and insecurity almost completely goes away when you see directly that you're not in that bad place anymore.
I sat with some girls I wasn’t friends with for months in seventh grade because I was the new girl in the middle of the year. I was introduced to one of the girls from the guidance counselor. I never truly jived with any of the girls. It was so nice when I made a friend and sat with her and her friends. I never really have been in cliques, though. It’s so much easier to just have a single friend and talk to them. It’s easier to get deeper with one friend. My husband and I have a couple friendship, but that feels different to me since it’s two with two that are already close due to being in relationships.
One thing I feel like wasn't addressed was figuring out if you are a filler friend for reasons outside of your control. I do agree that sometimes someone will be paralyzed by 'what ifs' because they are shy, are anxious, etc, but 'what if' you have in the past asked to join something, or employed that 1-2 punch to people in the group and were only met with apathetic responses or just get the feeling that you have to work 10 times harder than other people to get any sort of engagement from people in this group specifically? While I like the optimism here that we have control over overcoming this filler friend feeling or reality, are there good ways to break out of it if it does seem like the group seems to treat us differently than others or if there a good way of determining that the odds are stacked unfairly against us and we should move on and leave? Another question I have here, is what dynamic does the filler friend hold for groups that are toxic? I have noticed that dynamic in a lot of groups where there are people who are kept around but are largely ignored or when they speak up you can practically see people wrinkle their nose and/or raise eyebrows. Any time they aren't just a fly on the wall, a record skips basically. Does the group keep them around just to make the group look bigger and more popular? Are they kept around so they can gossip about them? Do they remain so that those in power can dismiss them and help show off the power structure that exists? Is the group just indifferent to those who don't contribute much but also don't degrade the experience of the group much so there isn't enough reason to try to actively get them out? I am sure there are lots of reasons why someone might hold this role, I just know for me I have been there before and I find it very hard to leave because sometimes things seem to work out or the group isn't overtly mean a lot of the time, and so it is hard for me to formulate evidence that this is a bad place for me. Thank you for your time!
I don't feel like these things are planned by anyone or have anything to do with power dynamics or so. Instead, I just think the filler friend usually isn't specifically close to anyone in the group (anymore) but rather kind of gets along with everybody instead. I can't speak for toxic/mean groups since the friends I found myself to be a filler friend with are all cool people and I'm sure they'd wish the best for me, however, I just stopped having individual/personal interactions with them.
I had the same group of friends since highschool but I feel something changed long ago because they stopped listening to me and that made me want to speak less and just sit there listening to them. These days Ive been hanging more with the quiet kids and I must say its the best thing ever, they are caring, willing to listen, always counting on me for going out, but I still really miss my old friends (or the memory of the friendship we had) I really would love to interact more with the older group but I cant find a way to, the thing is that I feel like a weird person in social situations and with my relationships I always try a calculated approach that is why I think I'm somewhere in the autistic spectrum. Not being loved by my friends as its supposed to be feels exausting because I always try to do my best and try different aproachs but get nothing in return, this has lead me to have a very low self steem and paranoia of them talking about me behind my back. Its the worst feeling
I'm always a filler friend. thats why I dislike having a group of friends I just like to hang out one-one. I find that ppl tend to act so much different in a group vs one on one. I hope one day I could have a group of friends who I genuinely enjoy their company and to feel like a part of the group
I think this is why certain kind of traumas become taboo to talk about. Because most things in life most people can handle thinking of a good one two punch follow up response to it. But if someone really said "my whole family died in a car crash" you can't even say I'm sorry for your loss, even that is inappropriate. The only thing to say is "oh god" or "I can't even imagine" maybe us common, or expressions of disbelief like "what? Really?" Followed by maybe. What happened or how long ago if you're really astute and not afraid to trigger the person's trauma or tears. Most people also don't want to invite a whole conversation about something as serious as that.
When it's on your face that they purposely don't wanna include you, just get the heck out of that group, move on and meet other people. We don't deserve to be ditched or we don't need approvals. ✌🏻
I’ve never felt more like a filler friend than yesterday. I was hanging out with some friends who I was pretty close with in high school, but they started to grow closer together and I just started to drift away. It got to the point where I didn’t understand anything they were talking about. Ultimately I just started hanging out with other people, but it’s frustrating as I made multiple attempts to voice how I felt I was drifting apart and tried to salvage our friendship, but they just made me feel like whether or not I hung out with them would make no difference in their lives whatsoever. Months went by where I wouldn’t talk to them and they didn’t seem to notice, let alone care. Anyway, I’ve moved on from them and have found new friends and communities, but it still sucks to feel so expended like that, especially when I think about how close we used to be.
that's me. The filler friend. I actually ghosted out of my friend groups and they didn't even notice. i imagine if i died you wouldn't find my body for like a year
I love how Dr K's videos are full of great, practical, actionable advice and the comments are just full of people completely ignoring it and restating how hopeless and unsolvable the topic of the video is
Sometimes, it's hard to tell if Dr. K really understands the struggle. Like, I respect that he's actually giving advice, but when it gets trivialized down to "just do x" (e.g. "easy 1 2 punch"), then it's hard to take him seriously.
@@Tsunami14 I don't know, are you watching the full video? The first third is him empathizing and explaining that he gets the situation, he understands the reasoning behind why people feel the way they do, and as someone who struggles with exactly the shit this video talks about I think he genuinely gets it
@@Tsunami14 these issues can't be resolved by internet advice, people need to find help in the real world if they are serious about fixing these issues.
The truth is a lot of "filler friends" stay that way because they either can't be arsed to put any effort into participating in things, or they're scared to. Frankly you get out of a friend group what you put in, if you want more engagement just be more engaging. Doesn't even need to be the 1-2 thing Dr K is talking about here. I've been on both sides of this coin, the thing that got me out of being the filler friend was actually talking, making my presence tangible and memorable, giving input on open ended topics, BEING the one to invite friends to things. I'd say it isn't hard but that's not true. It's rough if you aren't used to being visible like that. But you gotta do it, people aren't going to hand friendship on a silver platter to someone who they hardly know because they hardly make their personality visible
I've had some times when I felt like the "filler friend" and someone reached out specifically to make sure I felt included. Those were some really special and impactful moments.
Be wary. Often times, in my experience at least half the time, those "outreachers" are just using you for narcissistic supply.
i try to do that. i want everybody to be included. have a good time. enjoy life.
@@drewmandan u are so random dude
Yes, those are some really powerful people who can do that. Really chiseled social skills, even to notice it, but especially to do something about it. I commend them.
@@drewmandan people like you are always going to be alone. Please don't teach others your warped worldview
I’m a filler friend. And believe me, it feels lonelier than being actually alone.
Filler friend is dope! What makes you feel lonely than actually being alone?
@@Corridorcrawler being ignored while saying a joke and then repeating it while thinking that they didn't hear it but they did the first time(but didn't react anyhow) and now they say "didn't you say that just now?"
@@Corridorcrawler repeating the joke un-ironically makes it unfunny please stop
@@Radiation_R he said out of perception of not being heard, happens more often than you’d think
Get yourself a best friend. Focus on the people you click with the best.
I used to have like alot of friends. Funny enough I was an introvert and I got blessed by having most of the students at my school as childhood friends knowing them since they were 5 - 7 (back then I was a huge extrovert back in my childhood so I easily made friends just by being super energetic jokester).
Now I have like 5 friends I talk to on a regular basis? but at one point I had just one friend. My best friend and despite all my other friends graduating I was still happy (never really felt lonely). We would play video games, stream youtube videos daily and watch anime to laugh at.
I felt more lonely when I had a bunch of friends back in highschool. I was everyones friend but no ones close friend.
Being part of group is fine but its only good if you are all close friends. I remember being the new guy to a group in a class where I had no friends, interesting thing is basically now that I look at it I basically divided and conquered when it came to joining the group. I made friends with each member one by one rather than staying with the entire group at once which I would only do occasionally only to do it more frequently until I was considered by others part of that friend group (felt comfortable with all of them).
Don’t settle on being a filler friend. It’s probably a sign that your friends and you aren’t compatible. Tbh it’s better to be alone sometimes than that
Then I'll be all alone
@@BitchChill life is a solo road
@@stijnl purdy much man I feel like people treating someone as a filler friend is low key abuse kinda how kids socially isolate someone as a form of bullying. Better to not torment yourself
@@BitchChill well we all enter this world alone and we’ll all leave it alone. It’s better to love yourself than to be with people who don’t love you back
I am alone since 20 years. nice...
The funny thing about "filler" friends is that most times, they're the ones that really listen to you when you're going through some shitty day. Also, when you're bored and just wanna hang out with someone, when you call that "filler" friend out to chill, you actually have a really good time with them. I learned how that felt being the filler friend and also pinpointing that one friend as the filler friend. When I saw and felt that kinda "friendship" on both sides, it changed my perspective on friendships that I don't take anyone for granted as I did when I was in my 20's.
I was the funny friend for a long time, the only role I could play in the group was be the guy that tells jokes and shit. But anytime I tried to open up about hard times I was going through everyone would just act awkward and ignore me till I went back to playing my role. I hate it so much it makes you feel like you aren't a real human that has other emotions other then just being happy all the damn time.
I have a friend, let’s call him Pablo here, that I’ve known since the first grade. Pablo and I have always been inseparable and loved each other like brothers. At a point towards the end of the COVID era, we began hanging in different groups, drifting apart in a sense. There was no drama, no beef, no love lost, we just began hanging with differen people. The point is, we weren’t seeing each other or hanging out together almost at all.
Then, a little bit into this school year, we end up at the same party(which, in our circles meaning going to someone’s crib and some of us doing some drugs). Pablo, along with two other friends, let’s call them Rowan and Juniper, take acid and after a while, the conversation gets deep. During this conversation, we speak on our individual issues and/or problems. At this point, Pablo, known as the class’ token airhead jokester, starts opening up about his feelings of inadequacy, shame, etc. This comes as a huge surprise, as in my mind Pablo is a guy that just coasts along without a worry in the world. It made me really realise that symptoms of mental issues, along with the issues themselves, are almost never obvious. Coincidentally, another friend of ours at the party, Rowan, whom was the only one not speaking at all, just tripping and staring at the ceiling, ended up in the local psych ward for a month for depression and addiction.
I can’t say I’ve ever been in a similar position, as I’ve been mostly mentally sound for my whole life, but these last few months have really changed the way I look at my friends and people in general, and it’s definetly inspired a great deal of personal growth for me.
Damn this is exactly what I'm going through right now. I opened up that I was feeling a lot of stress and not doing as well in my classes, and they all just kind of gave me a weird look.
@@benhawk4214 Each group has a group dynamic and a group hierarchy. Going against that can be really tough. Also I think it is not really necessary to open up certain things in certain environments. But one thing we can do it create a subgroup with the same people or a few less and then there the group dynamic is completely different due to a different environment. For example you could say ask who want's to go hiking with you and there the environment is more relaxed and personal. That allows for opening up such topics.
Just a thought though.
Yeah you're the entertainment. You're being used. You're not a friend, you're just fun to be around.
This is me. I told my friends I was on antidepressants and they were just like “doctors probably over prescribe you don’t need them”.
I was a filler friend in one circle. But I realized they stopped asking because I was either "never available" OR "something always comes up". While I do think it sucks to become a filler friend - it's also unreasonable to expect people to keep trying with you forever and not just wanna move on. If they NEVER (even at the beginning) asked you to come or go places - how did y'all end up "friends" in the first place lmao.
i imagine it happens more at school for very young people you know, when they just become somewhat part of the group in the forced socializing of school, but never take it outside of that environment
I don’t know about you, but for me our friendship started with us sharing similar interests but over time our differing interests took over and it was more difficult to feel like I was welcome so I was “never available.”
@@shinkamui Yeah I've thought of those people as friends too when I was young - but as I got older I realized they're just contextual colleagues in most cases. I would never consider those people life friends at my age knowing what I know now. But I can see how a high schooler who has minimal other outlets psychologically forces themselves to view these people as their friends to avoid dealing with the dread of the thought that one might not have any real friends.
@@awesoem7893 Yup this is where I reached with the gamer group I was dealing with. It sucks, but also overstaying a welcome is the same as prolonging the closing of an open wound.
It happens in the military too, especially with the younger guys
As much as it hurts, sometimes we just don’t belong in a group, even if we don’t have anywhere else to go… 😢
Find other ppl who r lonely and be friends with them
The process of maturing often involves the question of:
Okay, am I going to pursue to have a relationship with my toxic friend group or am I going to choose to not go out today and be for yourself. I'd rather choose to be alone now, then to be friend with people, who drag me down, got no motivation or inflict negative energy
@@giri5384 The problem is that people can be lonely for different reasons that make them incompatible with each other.
This happened to me with a gamer group I was in. I'm in a self improvement kick and quitting gaming for extended periods of time is a big part of that for me. But that group was primarily a IRL gamer group and to this day - they still talk about COD Skins and all the other random shit related to it. But I was in a state of flux in my life so I had no new groups to really embed myself because I was likely going to move for work --- so I just sat around with them much longer than I would've wanted just to have some socialization rather than none at all.
Me rn
I was a filler friend. Best thing I did was go my own way and create my own fun. Eventually I found my own friends.
This. But my path to fun led me into army and i found my own comrades/friends
@@partoftheworlD Or people can join some type of social club without some drastic life change like military. Boom - ready made people with common interest, a recipe for a friend group.
Yup, same. The group was insanely toxic anyway, but I felt too afraid to look for others in fear of being treated the same. Then, I went through like a dozen different friend groups, until I actually found some good friends I still have to this day. Definitely worth trying to get out of the bubble as scary and possibly painful as it is.
Hey hey hey
Hold it right there, Anon
Didn't you know that it's against the Unwritten Rules of the Cool Kids' Club to be independent of the arbitration and validation of the Great Council of Normal People?
You may be punished with horrible things, such as being denied of the company of people that don't care about you, or even worse, such as *gasp* being undesired by people you care not about!
CAN'T YOU SEE HOW HORRIFYING THIS IS?!
And now you can include the filler friend because you got more different friends so you can overly invite them even if they say no people like to be invited.
100% feel this. In middle school, I had a friend group that constantly left me out of absolutely everything. They would constantly go to each other's houses and such, yet I would never be invited. I talked to them multiple times about the way I felt, and I was basically told that I was wrong. This has still affected my mental health due to the depression following after I cut them off. I always had a hard time making friends, so I never really recovered. Basically, I can say being left out is just as bad as having no friends at all.
What do you mean by they'd tell you you're wrong? As in, they'd deny not caring about including you?
@@debrachambers1304 More that I was in the wrong for feeling the way I did, and that they felt they were doing nothing wrong.
@@DaSlOtHbOi They said you were wrong for feeling what way? Sad? Angry?
I don't think they did do anything wrong based just on your description.
When I'm in a group, and a filler friend is there, I usually try to include them to the best of my abilities. The hard thing about doing that, is that they have a tendency to imprint on you.
I wanted to have a nice conversation, get to know them and maybe make a friend.
But I end up feeling like I then have to entertain them for the rest of the evening, because they'll end up all alone otherwise. When I was really here to spend time with the people I am already friends with. And I just don't have the social skills and battery to keep up the engagement with both.
What I'm trying to say is, when you are a filler friend, you also have to make an effort to include yourself in the whole group. Don't just endlessly wait for someone to come to you. You want to be a part of the group, not just acquainted with one person in it.
It can be for many reasons, they dun wanna fuk it up, they dunno how to upkeep the vibe, the topics they're interested in are widely different or feels indebted to being adopted ibto the circle / feels like a charity case / freak show.
@@jinijinxer97 yea but that’s on oneself to fix
@@UhOhTheStoveIsOn also depends on how they treat you but at that point they should leave
I feel the same way. I tend to watch the group from a far, and I notice the ones that don't mingle with the main circle. Sometimes they are just vibing away from the main members, sometimes they are falling out of the group. Or, they are socially awkward and as you commented will imprint on you. I won't lie, it does make me awkward sometimes.
Does anyone else here imagine conversations in their head when they're alone? I feel like I can have an endless conversation in my head but when it comes to hanging out with people my mind seems blank. Like where did all my questions and interesting things to say go?
@@Tocinos I used to do the same thing when I was a kid. I’ve somehow lost the ability though.
Imagining conversations in your head is dope! What kinds of conversations do you have in your head?
They're super easy. Like Mc Dojos where you learn martial arts but never test them in the ring.
The questions aren't interesting or they aren't easy to understand, the interesting things to say are only interesting to you specifically, the good jokes are cringe minimum, your arguments break like biscuits...
You may have ADHD. I create imaginary scenarios and perceived conversations in my head constantly.
@@acrophis based on a small anecdote?
12:50 I think "can I come?" is the most important part of this video. If you've felt like a filler friend for a while, never being invited to stuff, the response this question gets will tell you if keeping this group of friends is even worth it. If they give a rude no, drop them. If it's a polite no (like "not this time because xyz reason") then try asking the next couple times they make plans. If it's always no, you may want to find a new group. If they say yes, follow what Dr. K said. No matter what, asking "can I come?" will help you. Worst case scenario is they laugh at you and say no... but then you know you don't have to waste your time with them.
Correction, the worst case scenario is them saying yes and then ditchimg you afterwards ✨
@@Tanaka1168 yep
@@Tanaka1168 being hurt is dope! Who hurt you?
@@lancetheking7524 this will never not be funny
That's why you shouldn't say "can I come" but the other version he said that already expect you to be rejected. If it happens it'll still hurt but you'll think "that's what I thought" or "at least I didn't sound desperate".
I hit them with the 1-2 punch.
"I don't care."
"Who asked?"
Down to 0 friends now.
man if theyre talkin to you like that, keeping this relation wasnt worth it
bro if that was how they responded to you then they weren't even friends in the first place, in fact they were literally enemies/bullies 😂😂
@@iiCounted-op5jx It´s hard to tell what´s a bully or a friend on a person head that is bullied, because when you never had a true friend, you may find that psychologically bullying is just a "joke" and sometimes they are "friendly" just to get something out of you.
Cycle: "be friends with the bully" > bullies you > you try to cut the relationship > he comesback "friendly" < cycle of bullying someone
Unfortunately they will never until something "dramatical" happens.
the ppl reading this and totally missing the point lmao
@@iiCounted-op5jx kek
This hits hard as not the 'filler friend' but one of the core members of the group that sees all perspectives and trying to sort out inviting the filler friends because most of them don't have anywhere else to go. I kinda just want to invite the core people because they are the most fun and all that but at the same time I feel bad that other people are sitting at home and want to invite them too.
man, i love his interaction with the chat, its pretty unique, is like he is literally teaching and also having a great conversation with them, is so cool to listen to this while doing other stuff
was just thinking the same thing
People who say "I don't like small talk" are the ones who expect high-level intellectual conversations all the time. I like an engaging conversation too but sometimes we just gotta chill and talk about random things.
I mean they could just be neurodivergent. A lot of neurodivergent people just don't gel well with small talk.
@@RAFMnBgaming Very true, ADHD can confirm
That's assuming that small talk and "high level intellectual conversation" are different, but In my view they are the same.
@@kylemckinney_22 Or that big talk is "high level intellectual conversation". Because, like, dude, I don't wanna talk philosophy, I just wanna spend an hour telling someone about the first draft of the the transformers the movie script.
Small talk is dope! What do you typically talk about during small talk?
I think the first thing people need to do is learn the difference between friends and acquaintances. Also be the lead of your own story. Be the one to invite others rather than just waiting for other people and go from there.
One glaring issue... I tried to take things into my own hands. Being the one who reaches out to the friend group and invite them to do stuff. That only works if the people you're inviting actually take you seriously. If you're the filler friend nobody really respects you or thinks you're worthwhile to spend time on. Nobody really knows you to take you very seriously. Its like you're an NPC in a video game handing out low level side quests to the players and they just skip you because they they think the quest rewards aren't worth pursuing. What ended up happening is that nobody wanted to go, the few who said they're interested just said it because they felt pity, then flaked out in the last moment. In the end nobody went and nothing happened
@@inquisitionagent9052 Skipped a step. The first thing I said is to know the difference between friends and acquaintances. Those aren't really friends. They might as well be just co-workers. Friends you will have similar interests with that make you want to be around each other. Not be the others shadow, but rather equals. Just being in the same social circle doesn't make you friends. But you can draw friends from the hand you were dealt if you find intrigue in any of them. I've always want the way of meeting up with people through different shared hobbies. Also finding out who they are is highly important. Don't be afraid to ask about them. Find their likes and dislikes to see what aligns with your own. If they have a hobby you don't have that you find interesting, you can pick their brain about it to start up conversations and go from there. People like when you take interest in the things they are passionate about. When they see that, there is a high likely chance you can bond over it and develop a connection. If you stay as the one who wait for them to come to you, it'll be like you are the kid that gets picked last on a basketball game. You can try being the one who does the picking. Hell, you can even make your own discord group and draw in people who have different interests that align with yours or you are curious about ans go from there. Even shit as simple as creating watch parties you can laugh eat and drink over. Games. Sometimes even debates can lead to friendship if you show you are the type who is also good at listening and being understanding of their side while holding true to your own values. The best way to secure friendships imo is to learn about them and through that, educate them about who you are as well. Also don't be afraid to go find others if the group you are around aren't cutting it. You don't need to be co-signed to the idea of hanging around those who show a lack of interest in you and better off discovering those who do.
@@Ronzeru w advice
@@inquisitionagent9052 you are talking about very bad experiences and either about a group of assholes or with a very warped perception (sounds like very little self esteem in general). real friends do not see you as worthless.
and if possible, you should try to avoid dealing with people who see ANYONE as worthless (if they reall do, again, I suspet your perception is shaped by low self esteem)
Ayyo I think I had this issue with a old high school friend group of gamers turned acquaintances once college started (Csgo n League of Legends all that jazz) when I moved away from my home city for school, at that point if they start ostracizing/antagonizing you or showing no interest, it should be in your best interest in taking care of yourself and drop the group, in my case, a discord server. If they didn't care to hear you out, they wouldn't care if you left either. Just my take on these "friends." You just exhaust yourself out thinking about the What If's and cope to get over it in the end. @Ronzeru has some further wisdom in his comment.
I am a filler friend all throughout my life and in college I decided I needed to change myself. So I decided to take initative and do things on my own without waiting for other people to ask me. Guess what? ✨now I have no friends✨
same tbh
Holy shit same, before I was putting a fake persona to at least sit at lunch with someone but now that I don't do that it feels like I'm invisible.(same school with the same people for 6 years) :/
Well you did the right thing. You filtered out the "friends"
Better alone than with those people
exactly. i pursue my interests and invite people along but nobody takes me up on the offer, so I just do everything alone.
i was a filler friend within a friend group that I went to school with, it was one among many things that were totally f*cking up my mental health to the point I had to take a year off from school, I started focusing on what I actually enjoyed doing, setting up boundries and choosing who my friends are, thing have gotten a lot better since then
I break being a filler friend BY FORCE. Just be nuts and admit that you're nuts. You have to do it right, but people more often than not like unhinged energy.
TRUE AND SAME but im just like that anyways i think LMAO
joe strummer had this where he liked to add a bit of chaos to situations, it keeps things interesting, it gets people out of slumps, it moves life along.
People also like it when they look more "normal" and that person helps that
Did the same, decided to be unhinged and just be me and be real. Most people can appreciate and respect that cuz its raw and genuine. But dont misconstrue real with asshole, those are 2 different things.
I'm not a filler friend, I'm a therapist friend, meaning people stick when things are awful with them and the minute they get better suddenly I'm invisible just like back when we were teens and my best friend started to ditch me as soon as she became popular and would hang out with me when she needed someone to listen and figure out her problems.
Yes yes yes
It happens to me. They come to vent and leave to go back to "fun, party" friends.
I prefer doing things other than drink and party so I'm just there because I'm good at listening.
Funny how we usually don't overshare and then nobody supports us, we always support others
Oh so you're being used 😅👍
It's not right, but sometimes advocating for ourselves by speaking up goes a long way.... We can't expect others to have the power to read our mind and emotions. At least until Elon comes out with his chip! 😃
You need to provide more value than just being someone people can talk to about their problems. If you're going out of your way to make activities and to be around people with similar interests, then this sort of thing doesn't happen because the people around you genuinely enjoy being around you
You can tell them. "Hey, I feel like you only talk to me about your problems and I don't like that. Do you want to do X thing together?"
Not everyone can be invited to everything. In a group, every individual has an independent relationship with everyone else. These relationships don't materialize out of thin air. I think too many people are worried about having friends and getting invited, just on face value, not really paying attention to the substance of those friendships. Just because someone has mutual interests doesn't mean they are your friend.
I like your opinion.
@terminaldeity - I've noticed this too, it's not just interests alone that create friendships as I foolishly used to think. In your opinion, if it isn't just shared interests what more is it? Is it personality/character/common life situations?
@@PreYeah sorry, I just wanted to add my opinion, even though I wasn’t asked lol. In my opinion, it’s the amount of time given to each other and specifically that one person. If you’re always in a group then there’s no time to bond with one person. My closest friends have been with me for years and that’s what makes our bond strong. It’s a lot of effort and you have to pick your people right, but when you find that good, unshakeable person, it’s all worth it.
@@lumenx7499 true, i believe based on my own experiences true friendships go through fire and brimstone, where people both fight and grow as each other
The Closest Friends i had for 6 years are made by trials we faced and to this day i trust them with anything. and they do the same to me too
You know, I would always be upset that they didn't invite me to a 3-4 person hangout in a 10 person group. But then I realized that having me there would just not make sense, either because they have a different group dynamic or the new group would have a different dynamic that they don't really wish right now. I too started hanging out in a 3-4 person group and it all made perfect sense to me. I completely agree with you on the "everyone has an independent relationship with each other" part. When you force that relationship, you just become a filler friend.
you know the 'joke' responses in chat are actually pretty good. If i said ''looks like a volcano is erupting'' and the person looked at me and replied ''volcanos are dope, can i come'', that would be a sarcastic back and forth i would be delighted to unravel.
same. it's like a parody of a conversation and it's funny as fuck
Yeah, you can say something really blunt and goofy, but say it with complete confidence and the person will think you're funny and cool instead of awkward and random.
In fairness, the reason that's funny is because of the earlier context. Without knowing that you're referring to this conversation advice, it might just come off as random and weird.
Being random and weird is dope! Do you use a Mersenne Twister RNG when you're being random?
@@Sjors_ true
You know what you gotta do. Hang around the group for the few sweet crumbs of human interaction, or leave the group and look for some real friends. There's bound to be people somewhere that want to be around you, you just have to find them.
this was the most relatable thing ever,it blew my mind when i started the video and saw the reddit post,ofc its not a problem anymore for me luckily god bless,but its a horrible feeling cuz if u have bad family issues then u jus feel completely alone.and alot of times you cant get out of it cuz ur to akward.they dont hate u,but could never say they care bout u,i had this problem for a long time,luckily i found away to jus forget about it every time and restart so i would stop being in shame and being akward over and over again and instead be happy,refreshed,and unshamed because i would jus forget bout it and try again,now these people are my best friends.i love them.for all of u other people who have this problem,i feel u my friend,trust me keep trying,dont put pressure on ur self ,u will see brighter days,trust u will,even if it takes over a year [lmao thats wat happened to me but it was worth it]
Takeaways of how to be a better NPC:
→ Perceived interest plays a significant role in inclusion of activities.
→ 1-2 punch of interactions: reflection or a reaction comment and question of ambiguity.
→ Be careful of the what ifs that holds you back.
→ You have to go through the small talk to get to the deeper ones.
Thanks my wonderful friend. I need a place to write my notes and all you summed it up. Should be a pinned comment. God bless you. 🙌
thanks fellow human i have coded this in my mainframe
The best way to be a good NPC is to make the other person feel like they're the PC.
Can we do more videos about friendships?
It's so hard to keep friends these days. It feels like everyone is so busy with life that they don't have time for you anymore.
I've stopped trying to keep friends and just started talking to people. It works sometimes but when you don't see them often enough you just fade into the background even if you guys really hit it off. It's frustrating and doesn't make me want to even socialise with anyone
I relate to this deeply 🥲
i am that person who doesnt have time for anyone (but it's more like i dont have energy for anyone, rather than time)
The curse of an individualistic culture
There's no point
Yeah... I'm 35 now and I gave up on trying to be social. I've become antisocial and now I feel bored when I'm not alone. It's weird. Now when people talk about being lonely it feels so alien to me. It's like being a robot and trying to understand human desire for affection.
This was me in highschool and college, I always seemed to fade into the background. In college I decided to let go of those friends and start fresh at university. I started with 1 to 1 friendships which eventually turned into all of us forming a larger friendship group yet I still kept my 1 to 1 friendship with everyone. With each friendship I’m able to connect with them whether it’s similarity in personality or hobbies we like. If a friend likes tennis, ask to join them in a session, who knows you might like or hate it. Try have some sort of relationship with each of them first. You’ll find your closer to some than others which is okay. I did this, I become less of a filler friend and more of a friend which was included and present when we all were in a group together.
This is what I'm trying to do. Instead of forcing acceptance in a set group I'm trying to reach out to different people and have those "1 on 1 friendships". Trying to create mutual bonds from shared interests. If a friend is into games I can talk about games. If a friend is into books they're my book friend whom I can talk about and recommend books. If a friend is into anime then anime friend. Hell I don't even like sports but I'll follow sports just so the guy who's into it can have a conversation with me.
Problem is that I think I just had bad luck with these people. I end up being left out no matter how much I try to engage on my end. I'm just "that one guy I'm kinda cool with". I end up looking like the desperate one begging for their time and attention. Putting in all the effort to connect and getting none in return. And its creating resentment ngl. I'm starting to withdraw, to seethe in my own misfortune instead of fixing it. I dont want to but somewhere in my subcontious I'm starting to hate people. And that's only making it worse. Only pushing away future prospective friends. Don't really know what to do other than keep trying. Keep bashing my head against a seemingly immovable wall till either one breaks
@@inquisitionagent9052 I was going to comment “make the first move, create an environment where you can invite people to together” however as I was reading the other comments, I came across one where you commented stating you did this and was unsuccessful.
I don’t know anything about you however if you have siblings and somewhat have a decent relationship with them, hang out with them, I did that, turns out they’re more than just siblings (even if I am the one paying however I’m the oldest, I’m sure they will repay the favour in the future lol).
2. Sounds cliché but what’s yours will be yours. If you put in the effect to maintain these friendships and your receiving nothing back…let it go. Let the effort your putting into these friendships go or let the people go. If months go by no one is including you or simply ignoring you take that as a sign to move on. Who knows you might be surprised since you took a step back, they come to you
3. Friendships/ Friendships groups will come at the right time, sometimes when you least expect it. Don’t let the feeling of resentment stop you, it’s hard, its okay to feel downhearted but try to be open to others, when the opportunity presents itself you’ll be open to explore them.
4. Travel, who knows you might be lucky
5. Know the difference between friends and acquaintances, saw this commented else where. Ask yourself if an important event was to happen ect wedding, would you be happy inviting them there, to be by your side.
@@PrettyIntrovert_9 I can relate. My younger brother is both family and friend. He's one of the few things keeping me going. Gotta be there for him and set a good example. If anything I thank you for the reminder
Your telling me you don't have a single friendship that doesn't feel like you're begging?
@@allyson-- As far as I’m aware, no.
Friendships that did require begging I cut ties with during college. Wasn’t an easy decision or easy to act upon. I felt isolated and lonely for the most part. I went into university with essentially 0 friends. Surface level issues I have with my friendships/group isn’t feeling like a filler friend but actually trying to find time to spend time together due to everyone having different schedules.
I've had this experience with (6 of my group co workers). It was weird because we were all co workers (not friends) but we hanged out-outside of work all like friends. Over time our group got so divided and people like me felt so disconnected from the group. My group was both male and female I think what happend was gossip and miscommunication amongst the group. But the problem was none of us were friends. I guess what we had was a (situation-ship). Also I just think some the people in the group didn't like others in the group but kept themselves in the group as filler friends. Honestly how I felt in this group I would just rather be alone. This you can't blame on the group exclusively but at the same time it's not ideal or fun to hang around this type of situation. Your always wondering if your in the group as an accessory and it wrecks your self esteem.
Been a filler friend for much of my life.
It's a benefit because you have the privacy to plan your next move, whether it be finding a new job, learning new skills, or moving.
Socially, I accepted that my time was better spent alone or with people who do appreciate my time.
You are your own person capable of paving your own path for success.
It’s honestly so easy to get into deeper conversation, even from the dreaded weather conversation.
For example, “it’s so hot today. I’m not used to this weather” “Oh where are you from?” “I’m from Minneapolis” “Really? I have a buddy studying at Minneapolis and he loves it there, did you grow up at Minneapolis?” This is an actual conversation I had with a random lady I sat next to in 4 hour flight the just other day.
We ended up talking for about 3 hours and we had conversation about her daughter and what’s she’s doing, and all kind of deep conversation. I went from weather to where she grew up in about 2 questions.
This is actually why I like small talk. It gives a natural way of pivoting into conversational topics you might not have thought of otherwise. Asking personal questions very quickly might catch some people off guard, and small talk makes the process a lot more comfortable for both parties
The thing is what if the other person just barely responds.
@@herdoman5169 Then there is no small talk in first place. Relax and just chill, silence is not awkward. I don't force any conversation if they don't want to talk to me. I thought we were talking about how people hate having to participate in small talk, no?
Do i look like i care about someones daughters?
@@normalhuman4951 Small talk just isn't for you, then. Some people are naturally curious about the lives of others and some aren't.
I found it way easier to fit into a group when the group is fresh and newly formed. I don't know how you would go about creating a new group but it's definitely much easier to fit in.
Yes this is true.
I have a online friend group that existed for years thanks to our same interests, throughout 2020 - 2022 i basically disappeared into focusing on myself and reappeared out of boredom with new people i haven't seen before
Nowadays when i try to spark up a conversation everyone would just see the message and wont respond unless they need to ask a question nor another member starts something.
This have been rotting at my core and making me feel insecure and a filler only, i was thinking of outright leaving since i know nobody cares
@@JudicialBrat well on the flip side, if you never communicated and just disappeared, they could’ve seen that as you not wanting to continue the friendship. It’s happened to me and it doesn’t feel nice to know that the friendship wasn’t even worth communicating that you wanted to take time for yourself and you won’t respond for a while, esp when the relationship is fully online. You don’t even have to go into details, just say something. W that friend I don’t really respond like I used to either, because their actions/lack thereof spoke for them in that period of absence
One way to do it is create a new hobby with parts of that already existing friend group. You do not participate in everything they do but you now participate in stuff that some of them enjoy.
Have to agree that’s why since after school and college it’s so hard to make friends because we aren’t being put together in a room
A lot of people feel this way at one point. It's hard to find good friends.
It's really not about that and I think you missed the whole point of the video. In most social situations, it may be hard to admit, but a failure in "fitting in" is usually a fault on your part, your failure to adapt. The truth is, is that sure, there will be people that will try and manipulate you and take advantage of you in a friendship, but if you are the "filler friend" or you constantly feel left out of social situations then, more than likely it, is completely your fault for not putting yourself out there enough. No one is going to coddle you in social situations, no one wants to sit there and only put their focus on making YOU feel included, people are going to prioritize their own fun and make sure that THEY have a good time, and if you aren't trying to do the same that is your own fault.
@@overlord9323 sure but would you really call them your " friend " if that's the case? What you describe is what my group of coworkers feels like and it's not at all like my friend group where we actually care if one of my buddies is feeling down or left out. 🤔
@@vccv9785 everyone feels left out at times. if you feel like it all the time or most of the time the problem is within you
@@overlord9323 yes, that is what a lot of people do but in a lot of cases, people do make an effort to fit in but are still the filler friend. Not everyone is going to like you.
How about your unpopular one by default. You cannot make friends if they are based against you. Here example, you're a geek 🤓. What group do you fit with ? People will reject you based on you look, status and emotional well-being. He born with speaking impediment or he have Autistic. He dumb I don't wanna be friends with him.
It doesn't change when the people grow up.
If you don't get then you are normal.
I've experienced this for a short while in school. I was with a friend group that always talked about things I wasn't really interested in so I hang with them because I guess it's better than being alone. After a while I kinda drifted off and made my own way and own friends. I actually focused on myself and sort of became more interesting by doing other things like martial arts, boxing, gym, relationships. These things make you interesting and have something of value to add as well as developing yourself over time. My biggest advice is to contribute by becoming someone noteworthy and focusing on levelling up yourself. For me I'm imagining a school setting but this applies to an adult moreso.
I've been a filler friend for the longest time, but I'm afraid to talk due to feeling judged, same with going out and doing activities. It's been holding me back for years, I don't want to be like this anymore. Seeing this video made me feel seen and identify what's going on. Thank you
There are two people that I call best friends, and I deeply adore these two, but in my head I know that they're the "best friends" and i'm their "casual friend"
It doesn't bother me, but knowing this makes me feel like I'm in need of an actual friend who wouldn't just treat me like a filler.
Been months, still looking.
I totally get that
@@alfy_boi6221
Stay strong, doesn't matter how long it takes as long as it happens eventually.
damnn ik how that feels like even though I've only experienced it online instead of irl, it makes u feel like u care about them more than they care about u, and the fact that they have other friends makes it feel like they like their other friends more than they like you, it's a draining feeling.
Saving this
I feel you. I actually interact with lots of people at my university hoping to get some close individuals but most of them already have their circles and something like that. It is actually even lonelier when you live around the campus filled with people... I hope for the best ❤
if they're making group plans in front of you and deliberately leaving you out, they just don't like you. time to love yourself, and find new friends. personally, i would put being alone before a group that doesn't even value me. however, if you are consistently finding yourself unheard or comments falling flat, you should take an acting or improv class. nobody thinks to do this, but those classes literally teach you to get over performance anxiety and how to speak clearly, enunciate, project your voice, and express emotions effectively. probably one of the things i'm most grateful for as a kid was that my parents put me in theater. i'm able to pretend to be very confident most of the time even if i don't feel that way. it's helped me especially in landing job interviews.
I definitely felt what you’ve been saying, in high school my “friends” did that shit with me, they acted like they were my friends but excluded me bc I was different, but I found better people who like me and invite me to spend time with them. I’m taking an acting class right now btw and it’s fucking great and I made some good friends in that class.
@@evanmaldonado9799 the thing about high school is that literally none of that will matter by the time you're in your 20s. it hurts like h*ll at the time, but it only serves to make us stronger adults. i wish adults would tell teenagers this more often, instead of "these are the best years of your life." hope that they aren't! nobody wants to peak in high school anyway. glad you are enjoying acting so much!
Nah dude it happens me and my friends all have pretty shitty attention spans or are top focused on the conversation we will be discussing plans someone will speak up and we will be like “oh hi when did you get here” I was a filler friend for awhile then I started speaking to them and they realized hey he’s actually pretty chill we should invite him to more things.
"I'm thinking about ending my miserable life..." " THATS DOPE DOG, HOW YOU WANT TO END IT? "
I've been thinking about making a voluntary run for the exit the past year and I was planning on doing it with a well placed para bellum on my left temple. Everyone thinks I'm doing better but I'm just happy to near the end of my suffering. Wanna be friends?!😂
Listen to Lil Peep dawg.
@@AnotherDante Hey, I don't know if it was a joke or not, but I'd rather take the chance. There are more options and ways to change our lives, even though I know none of them could seem possible or realistic right know, sometimes the process makes the change before we even notice. There's always a chance to improve while trying something new, and even though I don't know you I'll keep you on my mind hoping and wishing you the best
"FUNERALS ARE DOPE. WHO IS YOUR WAIFU?"
@@AnotherDante Suicide has been on my mind ever since I was 12. It was all that could think of, it was hard thinking of something else without the thought of me offing myself.
When I was 14 I tried out a thing where I would go at least one more day without trying or thinking on how to off myself, and that I'll save it for tomorrow. Of course suicide was on my mind but it was going to be a problem for the next day. Then when the next day hits, I postponed it for the next day once again.
I have been postponing it for around 3 years now and it's been going better, with life in general has been improving. Having things to look forward for today is awsome, I'll just save the whole self unalive thing for tomorrow.
Edit: I realize my comment may not have the best advice, I'm still learning so please take this with a grain of salt. What I tried to say is that you should look forward to the good things, or find things to look forward to. Such as meeting with a club or hanging out with friends. It usually brings a bit of happiness that helps ease the pain of loneliness. Depression I something that I believe can not be beaten or completely deafeted. It may always be a part of our lives, we just need to live with an open mind.
I'm no expert on this sort of thing, just be careful out there mate.
I was a filler friend through a lot of high school, and always assumed I was in college too. Then I realized that I was the one who organized things, because I assumed that people wouldn’t invite me to other things, and that I wasn’t the filler friend in that group, I was the “glue” friend. It threw me for a loop that I could be that person after 10 years of getting used to being the filler. I don’t know what the message of this is, but maybe it’s that some day… you will find that group. I mean it might not last forever, my group is drifting apart since we’ve finished college and are moving to adulthood, but I’m so happy to know that I can be that glue. Gives me hope for the future.
After having being the one always inviting people, always starting conversations and doing small talk with people and creating friendships out of thin air, I ended always been excluded without being it verbal all the time. People making plans in front of you, people not feeling your vibe. Placing expectations on people only leads to suffering. I just went my own way and try now to enjoy life alone until I find people who are similar to me and SHARE reciprocity with me. I'm not doing anything anymore socially. It left me drained and feeling suicidal for 9 years now.
I have no problem to be social but I am numb to social interactions because of them are acquaintances and lead to nothing most of the time.
Do something you like and let people tag along. Chose people who chose you not the other way around.
ive been in a similar situation. what ended up happening was that the friend group made a discord that i joined and i was alot less socially anxious there and more willing to crack jokes which eventually translated irl. I also just made sure i made it clear i wanted to go hang out with them even if it was just to chill out and vibe. Now ive been on several vacation trips with them and i can safely call them my friends.
so wholesome for you
The good ending
I would more describe my role in the group as a 'glue friend'. On so many occasions I would bring together two unlikely parties into one big (big for me) group, and everyone would get along in this setting. I was the catalyst for so many long lasting bonds to form between others. But as soon as they did connect, I was suddenly put onto the back burner in terms of interest. Those two people who then became close would start to hang out, by themselves. I would be dropped from group activities or parties. My interests and my invitations would go unrequited, excused or ignored until I would just give up.
Once is an unfortunate circumstance
twice is a coincidence
but three times is a pattern.
Yes, maybe you should start a dating website.
Dating websites are dope.
I really can relate to this. I make friends and introduce them to my other friends. We start hanging out together. They become much closer and start to drop me from activities. Then the only time we hang out is when I ask them to. I realise they have a separate group chat without me and met up while I have no clue. They meet less and less with me and I start to get insecure. I don’t initiate meet up’s that often and then when time goes by withdraw from the group.
This has happened atleast three times now and I don’t know how to change it.
You and me both brother. You took the words exactly out of my mouth. Sometimes it's best if we go on our own separate ways
@@yogalayang8096 Maybe not have a whole bunch of friends but 1 or 2
When I stopped inviting a friend to certain events, he talked to me about it after a few months. I told him that I thought he didn't like going because he always complained about it. He said he just wanted to hang out with us even though he hated the activity, I told him he needed to stop because it makes the rest of us feel horrible. He didn't stop complaining but at least toned it down a lot. In this same group I also feel like a filler friend depending on the activity/subject, I feel like that's okay.
I was traumatized by almost complete ostracization from all my classmates in elementary school and middle school and in high school I became the filler friend.
I have since figured out all these things on my own but damn I wish this video existed when I was in high school and someone had talked to me about this. Everyone just kind of expected me to know this stuff and nobody, not my peers, teachers, or parents, ever talked to me about anything.
I was also ostracized by the "mean girls" to an extent and they sabotaged the few friendships I did start to build, but if someone had explicitly told me this, I think I would have had a lot more courage to keep trying. You are helping so much Dr. K!
You have no idea how much I LOVE your videos. They help so much to have a better understanding of social conventions and creations (ego, shame, being a filler friend) and ADHD. I'm infinitely grateful for everything you're doing for us
Acquaintance: "I've lost my father to suicide."
Average person: "I'm so sorry to hear that... Do you want to talk about it?"
Me, Dr. K enjoyer: "Suicide is DOPE! What method did he use?"
We have reached peak comedy. It is physically not possible to imagine something funnier than this. This joke was so hillarious it caused permament damage to my body, which was 100% worth it
@@maciejnowak3047 Permanent damage to your body is dope! What are the symptoms of your damage?
@@PickleJello CRYING
@@mac8124 Yow you're really photogenic
@@mac8124 crying is DOPE! When is your favourite time to cry?
Small talk is just that 1-2 punch over and over again and it's true what Dr.K says you will get into a really long conversation with people even when you don't want to.
Sometimes people don't respond to the 1-2 punch and at that point you gotta see what's happening cause it's either 1. They don't know how to do small talk and are stuck, or 2. They don't want to talk to you, and believe it or not #2 Is way better than 1.
If someone doesn't want to talk to you, you can leave them alone with no issue and it's great. With #1 They want to talk and then feel bad when you walk away and that sucks.
Its really eye opening when you actually work on and improve your conversation. There's this notion most everyone has that "everyone else but me" is a fluent master of social skills and its really eye opening when you realize its not. While its definitely a more advanced skill, learning to carry a conversation can really help invite people into your life.
@@TheGreektrojan would you recommend a conversational regimen?
@@TheGreektrojanIt's particularly sad when you meet this type on like a dating app or Facebook message from a new friendly online acquaintance so it's not even in-person interaction but all they know to say ever are one word replies to what you ask and never ask you anything back. They might've even started the conversation with a "hi". But it's like pulling teeth to try to have a conversation since they aren't pulling their weight but it's so often due to extreme lack of skill. In my cases it's more often than not that I've come across an autistic person.
I didn't realise how socialising got so much easier all of a sudden after being that filler friend for most of my school life. I attributed it to 'growing up' but just now reflecting back, I started doing that one two punch thing without realising and at the same time started ignoring those 'what ifs' that were controlling me. Super interesting to hear someone explain these mental and social processes!
Asking questions is really a huge part in being part of the conversation, and I feel like a big part of why people feel that they shouldn't do so, or they'd be afraid to look stupid and dumb comes from the classroom. Teachers tend to get mad when you do ask a question cause it's either derailing the lesson or it was something already discussed and everyone should already know about. In a social setting, it's fine not to know everything, but not so in a standard classroom which many kids grow up in.
used to be a filler friend. learned to treat them the same and get better friends. I'd suggest steadily falling into a group that acknowledges you as a person. helped me out some.
Long story short, of youre the "filler" friend then youre just tolerated but not actually wanted. Find new real friends which actually like to hang out with you.
Some friends think like this: "I invite you because others are unavailable/want you to be the third wheel when I go out with a girl". But sometimes, they do think that you are not interested like dr k said in the video.
Tolerated but not wanted is my life story.
exactly! there is a difference between being tolerated and being friends. maybe you're just the less horrible person in class, but not exactly friends. sometimes you just won't find friends in your class and that's okay
"Find new real friends which actually like to hang out with you." easier said than done 😬
Okay but how. Y'all always love saying "just do x" but you have to realize every step of the process us difficult for some people. Not everything is as easy or simple for other people as it may be for you.
"Smile"
I wish I knew how. I can't smile on purpose; it only happens when I'm actually feeling something worth smiling about. If I try to smile when I'm not feeling it, it just turns into a grimace. I've tried practicing smiles but like, it feels *awful* to try to force a smile, and it kind of makes me want to not smile.
same fr
nah literally every single friend in my group is valuable and the group is weaker without each person. love you aidan, jordan, mitchell, tyler, aaron, martin and nolan
Bro just doxxed his whole friend group
Thanks bro, love you too...
May your friendship flourish, hope you bros maintain a great time
Bro doxed all his homies
@@sptflcrw8583 LMAOOO
A few years ago, I also thought I hated small talks just because I was not interested in the topics that most people talk about in small talks. But I've learned I actually make small talks with my closest friends and family about anything I'm interested in. You can even small talk about anime or games. The fact that you have a special interest already makes you a very interesting person.
I feel like inviting people based on perceived interest is just... not being a good friend. I invite all of my friends from my group to everything social that I plan. Whoever is interested comes along, because for example they might not be as obsessed with cinema as I am usually but might want to see this particular movie I'm going to or think "I haven't gone to the cinema in ages" and want to give it a go. It also just doesn't consider people who are overall quieter and don't express excitement outwardly. It shows me that someone isn't exactly the most considerate person.
I've been the filler friend before but for a very specific reason. There was a certain person in the group who would purposely talk over me and plan stuff around my schedule so I can't come, and no one would do anything about it. I later realised its because she liked my boyfriend. I'm not friends with those people anymore.
A year ago, i had my close 2 friends and some people i was friendly with and could talk to. I was friendly with most people in my class but i didnt really realize (until recently) that i was a bit of an outcast.
In this last year, ive basically made friends with almost everyone around me, including my whole class and others in the area. One of the most impactful moment was when i was with another friend group. We had a party and when i said i had to leave, one said that i cant because im an "essential member" of the group.
@ Senator Dodo 🦤
Are you still an outcast do you think? How did you get over your outcast-dom? I am friendly with a lot of people and I guess I feel empty with it; I may have a cognitive distortion and think people don’t like me and it just put up with me. I guess I’m a jokester too and I’m thinking that’s a problem, I have the inkling that I push people away. Sometimes I think people find friendliness as needy and maybe it is in fact a correct assessment.
I dont think i grew out of it as much as i just got lucky. I happened to be in positions where i could talk to people.
A good thing to keep in mind is: Am i talking/interacting with people? If yes and you still feel like you dont it in, id analyze myself and the people im talking to to try and figure out whats not clicking. From my experience, theres no need to over analyze what someone thinks of you. There are very few people who will view your friendliness as needy.
Theres a lot of stuff that goes into social interaction, it depends on so many factors that its difficult to give concrete advice, as a lot of it will be situation dependant. Maybe they are just in a bad mood today so they seem a little more distant or annoyed by you (as an example).
A good thing to do though is to initiate. People like to stay in their comfort zone so often youre going to have to be the one to reach out of your own comfort zone and talk to people. Try talking to people who you havnt talked to before.
Also, being honest with people is good. If need be, ask them directly how they view you.
@@ikissedmymom I can relate to you. I'm friendly with everyone, but it feels like nobody notices it when I'm not present. That is definitely also because I like to spend a lot of time on my on and I probably give of that type of vibe.
One thing that helped me is to create a sub circle within that group that meets regularly. In my case I think that the lack of sharing hobbies was part of why I I felt empty in those social interactions. So I asked two people if they want to spend every other Friday where we take turns sharing our hobbies to each other. Luckily that worked for me.
Since we take turns in preparing for what we do that evening, it is not a one-sided event. So the neediness is less pronounced in that setting. Also it helps not only sharing yourself but also learning to listen to stuff you might not be interested in.
Another thing which this helps is that those two people prioritize this meeting over most other events. So that helps my subconscious to realize, that they don't just put up with me. Especially since we hold the meeting even if one of us doesn't have time.
This is me EXACTLY!!! I remember so many times in High school and college when this happened to me. Just as he described it. And sometimes I would say something like, "That sounds fun, I'll be there too." And after everyone looked around at each other, one of the guys would say. YOU'RE NOT INVITED.
i was a filler friend and prontly rebelled against it, never wanted to be on the sidelines so I made my own group with others and promised myself i would never let someone feel like THAT kind of friend ever again, or at least I'll try
Same!! I am always the type to invite everyone and make eye contact with everyone to make all people feel included especially if I notice some folks are being quiet. Because I know what it feels like to feel left out even if you’re the one leaving yourself out and everyone’s just kinda following ur lead.
@@Popopatop absolutely true! we should always keep it up and let everyone feel included because they are no less than us and others! i really appreciate you commenting your same experience have a nice day mate!
Same here i dont want other to feel abandoned like they being the third guy this shit end with me im not going to let this happen to other
I like you. Your haki is strong💪
I used to be a filler friend, mostly cause I was shy or whatever, but now I've found a group of friends I really belong lol. It feels good
This is how I’ve felt almost all my life. And yeah, sometimes just actually being alone feels (slightly) better. Not much better, but at least it’s not actively painful. 💔
That was basically me the entirety of elementary school, teacher forced some girls from my group to include me to their friends circle, so I just existed there but they never truly made an effort to know me and instead started bully me. I would rather hide myself in the toilets during lunch than being with them.
Can we talk about why someone wouldn't participate in the friend group? Because sometimes its not a matter of trying, taking the initiative and participating. Sometimes the friend group simply sees you as a background prop, an NPC, something to not be taken seriously. If you are the "background friend", even if you try to take initiative and plan events with your "friends". They wont take your plan seriously. Because the baseline perception is that whatever you plan will be dull/boring/not worthwhile/a waste of time. They don't really know you or respect you as a matter of fact. What ends up happening is that they say yes out of pity, flake st the last moment, or flat out say no and do their own thing. They'll go do something else that another friend planned or worse plan without you.
Its like you're an NPC that gives the players a side quest but they just skip it and do something else. Something they think is more worthwhile or fun or gives better loot in the end.
I know I sound pessimistic af but I'm saying this because this happened to me.
If that happened to you then they were never your friends tbh
Happened to me too. You're the clown, the court jester. And the worst thing, and the most revealing thing for me - was when you tried to stand up for yourself. Best example is when I was bantering with the group, and someone made fun of me. I clapped back with a better insult, and EVERYONE laughed at the kid who insulted me. Well he didn't like that one bit, and it quickly got physical. Why? Why did that happen at that instant? Nothing I said was particularly barbed or nasty, and nobody else got physical.
It was because if he let me get the better of him, he lost status. Nobody wants to be bested by the designated loser of the group.
@@jonnyb569 yeah... and the more I realize it the more bitter and resentful I get. It just demoralizes my to go out and try again with new people. Kind of a self fulfilling prophecy of defeat tbh.
@@inquisitionagent9052 Idk if you want advice, but I see myself in you and I think I have valuable insight.
It seems like you are very thoughtful and I was in a very similar place to you about 3 months ago.
I've always only had the kind of friends you were describing. But then some drama happened and I was forced to make new friends.
And omg it is so much better. They literally respond to all my texts, plan stuff and invite me, and reach out of their own accord.
If the people that you think about when someone asks "who are your friends" dont do those things, then its time to let those people go.
Its really hard and scary at first, but you gotta do it if you want to be happy and not be the filler friend
Because those people are the wrong people for you and will never see you for how amazing you truly are
Other people will!!!
You just gotta find em
Much love and good luck💖
@@primroan5354 being the underdog is based.
The one-two punch thing was really good to hear. I as a lot of questions when I talk to people, and I often worry that I sound like I'm interrogating them. But pretty much anytime they give a response I just do a reflexive little "cool!" and move onto the next question so I guess that one word is what's saving me lol
volcanoes are dope, can I come
Trying to understand friendships is difficult and frustrating. I can’t control what they will do, but I can control what I do, so I will be the friend to others I wish I had.
That’s just the golden rule
This is one of the first healthy gamer videos I watched where I feel like I didn't gain much insight, but it was good to reflect on how I interact with people. I guess my big problem is just being there when invitations are sent out, but it hard with how everything is done online now and in dms. I invited myself to a concert back in April for an artist I had never listened to cause I ranted in a discord channel about not feeling invited and then heard about the event from a friend who was invited. So I guess I'm kind of there. The one two punch thing is definitely something I've been using for a long time though, I just find people stop conversating after the second question, or if something deeper was brought up, communication will stop once that conversation topic comes to a close.
I’m 34 and Dr K is teaching me for the first time how to have conversations. 🤣 love it.
Conversations are dope!
@@frishter what do you like about conversations
I'm not sure. Hoe about you?
@leo What’s a high top?
I felt this way in my 20's because of fear of others judgement. As I'm now in my 30's it's been easier to let go of that and go with either others will like me or not and am much more apt to act like my real self.
Thanks dr k for all the great videos and have been watching for just over a year now.
@WrappedCorn more or less just know that you need to change or grow in one way or another. For me it was just got tired of being lonely and having few friends and knew if I wanted to improve my situation that change was inevitable.
@WrappedCorn yeah i had struggled in my 20's being too much of a doormat and over time getting into late 20's practiced self care and self improvement more witch made things much easier as I've gotten older. Yeah for me at least it was a gradual change of not caring what others think.
@@Aaron722076 male
Definitely I have been filler friend for many years and still to this day, my family moved many times across the country so I always started fresh every three years. I have focused on finding my career path. If you were around in 2014 and I watched your videos, I probably would have turned out more social.
I had a really long rough patch in my life where i felt like a kind of secondary friend, or filler friend as he says lol. I never felt like someones "best friend" even though i considered some people mine over time. It always felt like my friend group only included me if i made a big effort to be interesting and cool to them, or if they had something to gain. There was alot of nepotism in the group too, and when i realized all this stuff, i kinda took a step back, and mixed with depression and big stuff happening at the time, i felt like i had no one, and being surrounded by all of them made it so much worse. Eventually, you have to realize that its a really toxic environment, and that sometimes we dont belong with some people, even if you used to. Make youre own path, make new friends, or try and fail and try again. Anything ends up being better for you than staying with those you used to call friends, not out of malice or failure on anyones part, just the effect of time on our social standings.
The small talk part was soo true!
I've met this guy on Tinder who told me that he's not into "what do you do for living?" questions, but prefers ones like "what do you know about platypuses?"
I was so annoyed with this approach, but couldn't comprehend why at the time lol
Yeah that is somehow even less interesting. He probably thought he was being quirky.
You ran into the platypus npc
@@repulsethemonkey1396 Perry!
My best friend seems to be a filler friend and I'm not sure what advice to give her as she's a social butterfly and can be the life of the party without needing all the attention. She's done all of the things mentioned in this video and she too has a psychology degree and is empathetic and all those wonderful things. Yet for some reason she's always the one excluded whether its a group of two or a group of 10. I can't comprehend it because I could never have a friendship with anyone else like the one I have with her.
Invite her yourself if she's so special.
@@acrophis Oh I do when I can. We just also have different friend groups.
@@913_Niyala My guess is, your friend group just views her as your tag along friend. And she needs to do something by herself with those friend groups and really immerse herself with them by taking certain initiatives slowly over time.
@@freddie4682 as someone who’s a “tag along” friend, this is the problem with the original comment
Autism
So growing up I was a grade A+ filler friends, like really bad. What really changed, was starting to make the plans myself. I invited some of the popular friends to my house. We had so much fun, we still talk a out those all nighters I used to host. I'm still friends with those guys, I am even going to be a grooms man in One of their weddings.
I initiated and was involved in the event, and where other friends fell apart I still hang with these people
Spot on. You get friends by BEING a friend.
how do you invite friends to your house? what do you do? how does it go?
@@sournois90 for me the first time was a school project, we played multi-player cod, drank way to much soda amd watched some movies. But that's not really universal advice, so here is a list of things to keep note of
1. Invite multiple people, especially initially, even if they are have fun with other people, atleast their having fun at your house and your event 2 or 3 is a fantastic number.
2. Have a variety of things to do, initially you are not gonna know what sticks, board games are fun, but not everyone likes them, video games are fun bit not everyone likes them, etc. Get a variety of stuff ready and let people choose.
3. Make sure their are snacks, food and drinks, it's amazing what just having good food can do to make you THE party host. (My friends still talk about microwave nachos I made)
4. And lastly try not to force expectations on guest let then do whatever, if their is a down moment in the night it's fine to offer suggestion, but if people are vibing talk don't try to force people to play video games.
You get it. Just put yourself out there more. Just participate more.
I couldn't help but roll my eyes at the "What if you don't like small talk?" question. If you can't express verbal interest in something you want to be invited to, idk what to tell you.
This really helped! I've been looking for a dialog system to make replying to any player made questions easy and feel natural. Works perfectly!
Always felt I was the filler friend since highschool. The time I've finally found my real bestfriends were in my college days. We're like a group of 10 then we went our seperate ways and only 3 of us were left that still has the constant connection. It's really not the amount of people who you were with but those who stick with you till the end
You know I used to be a filler friend until a friend told me that the main reason i didnt get invited to stuff is because it would seem like i didnt want to go so then i actively started doing stuff and inviting people and hey it worked.
I think one of the best skills I have picked up is being able to explain by hobbies to people in a way they find interesting.
Do you mind giving some tips?
Where would you start
@@hihirblx Well, there isn't any deep method to it. You just need to consider the conversation from the other person's perspective and make sure they can engage with some kind of point you are making. If you take time to relate the thing you are talking about to something the listener knows, they will gladly learn about some new hobby and your experience with it. You will lose people if they cannot follow you.
yesterday I was talking to someone about how my social anxiety and depression started and I brought up this topic of feeling a little excluded and rejected. that's the term I was looking for, filler friend
I have quite an opposite scenario, all my "friends" just don't seem to show interest in anything and when I try to invite them somewhere or say "hey we haven't talked in a long time, wanna meet somewhere?" they just say "No, I can't I have "bla bla bla bla" to do" (note: they don't say this from time to time, they say stuff like that almost anytime I try to talk to them) or they don't respond at all!!! At this point, I don't know if they genuinely "forgot" to respond or really had many things to do or they are just making excuses and don't want to spend time with me for some reason. (Note: no, we didn't have a fight or anything).
There were times when I felt like a filler friend when I was young but now that I'm an adult I think of things a bit differently. Friendships are an investment and you can't expect people to invest in you if you're not investing in them, you can't always wait for other people to come and invite you to things or to include you in a conversation. Sometimes you have to be the one making that investment and being the initiator. Friendships are a balance between giving and taking, they don't work if you only do the taking.
When I asked my friends if I could go to a party, they all looked me dead in the face and said I was not going. Maybe I already knew somewhere in my head, but that’s when I fully realised none of them were my friends and never really have been
What the fuck dude. I wonder why they would say no like that? I can’t think of any reasons to not invite someone you know to a party where the point is to invite many people to hangout. Sorry that happened to u but at least like u said u found out their true colors. Hope u have better friends now :)
i learned that just reacting with whatever comes to your mind and smiling makes you a very likeable person. Im usually on the quiet side but working in a bar i was forced to interact with lots of people and thats just what i did, everyone learned my name fast and they where super nice.
Female experience. Dont comment next time
@@sirprize5191 there's more females than incels so i would say my experience is more easy to relate to
@@lauralopez4447 lol gottem
As a pure extrovert with Aspergers and a whole arsenal of related disorders like social anxiety, this really helps
This helped a lot right now thank you. I ve struggled with this my entire life and I am just now at 21 beginning to understand and change this. This video helps me to put my findings into perspective. Actually most of your videos do. Thank you
We r same age? How r u? How did things go?
I have a friend who was the soul of the group. She pulled everyone together, and made everyone become thicker friends.
Everyone praised how this person constantly made efforts for coordinating hangouts, calling and inviting everyone -in order to have an outing in this day and age, where everyone would rather sit at home doing nothing, instead of going out.
Everyone showed her gratitude for it, and admitted that it was a great service that was being done by her. In return her efforts were reciprocated and people cherished her.
I want to be like her. I want to give to people like she gave to us, and enriched our lives.
If you think about it, having a friend who checks up on you, makes sure you feel included is so rare for everyone.
Friendships like those are stuff of legends.
And if you think about it, what does it take to create something like that?
Just asking someone and getting in the habit of taking initiative. Just calling somebody in the free time to chat, and planning an outing once in a while.
As simple as that, and you get a gold standard of a friendship in return. Seems like a no brainer to me.
She sounds narcissistic
@@etaylor8028 how
i think she just has a charismatic personality
@@etaylor8028 It's not like that, she does it because she cares about getting together as a group.
It's not about getting validation..
@@arnavrawat9864 let me guess - all the people she pulls together, are they all sort of outcasts? People with few friends? People who have to rely on the one main friend in order to hang out with everyone as a group? I know people like her - it's cult leader energy.
I was that kid in high school. I was always in a circle of "friends" but I'm always at the back and in a sense, I hung out with them just so I wouldn't be alone but I never really fit in. However, because of that, I'm very forgettable, often being left behind literally and I would only find out that they left me a bit too late, most often than not having to find my way back to them and no one would even realize what happened.
.
Fast forward to college and I found a group of friends. I still involuntarily acted like how I did back in high school until a person in the group paid some attention and sort of nudged me into the direction of interaction. That single-handedly opened up the world to me, gave me some confidence and long story short moving forward, while I'm still an awkward mess of a person, I can now look straight ahead and look people in the eyes unlike a few years ago when the only thing I looked at most of the time was the concrete pavement.
im 100% not the filler. Everything hinges on me because we all come to my place, I am the most integral part of the group. However this makes me think about how I can be better at making sure no one feels like filler in my group. Thank you for this.
I used to a filler friend, what really got me out of there was just talking to them. I would just sit on my phone and wonder why no one would talk to me. I started joining in on conversations and slowly would talk more and more with them. When it comes to invitations, try focus in on something that the group does. For example, my group goes to the movies, hangout at our houses, go to sports games, and etc. I am really big movie fan so I got invited to the movies often and then everything else came along. Something else that guarantees an invite to go create the plan and then invite everyone else. Find a weekend where no plans are made and early on make a plan for people to come. That was an easy way for me to hangout with more friends too. You just gotta be more social and more outgoing.
Guys, we often talk about this from perspective of work on yourself, but what I think, it may be more of a people-around-you than you problem. Change the circle of people, it helped me. Anxiety and insecurity almost completely goes away when you see directly that you're not in that bad place anymore.
I sat with some girls I wasn’t friends with for months in seventh grade because I was the new girl in the middle of the year. I was introduced to one of the girls from the guidance counselor. I never truly jived with any of the girls. It was so nice when I made a friend and sat with her and her friends.
I never really have been in cliques, though. It’s so much easier to just have a single friend and talk to them. It’s easier to get deeper with one friend. My husband and I have a couple friendship, but that feels different to me since it’s two with two that are already close due to being in relationships.
One thing I feel like wasn't addressed was figuring out if you are a filler friend for reasons outside of your control. I do agree that sometimes someone will be paralyzed by 'what ifs' because they are shy, are anxious, etc, but 'what if' you have in the past asked to join something, or employed that 1-2 punch to people in the group and were only met with apathetic responses or just get the feeling that you have to work 10 times harder than other people to get any sort of engagement from people in this group specifically?
While I like the optimism here that we have control over overcoming this filler friend feeling or reality, are there good ways to break out of it if it does seem like the group seems to treat us differently than others or if there a good way of determining that the odds are stacked unfairly against us and we should move on and leave?
Another question I have here, is what dynamic does the filler friend hold for groups that are toxic? I have noticed that dynamic in a lot of groups where there are people who are kept around but are largely ignored or when they speak up you can practically see people wrinkle their nose and/or raise eyebrows. Any time they aren't just a fly on the wall, a record skips basically. Does the group keep them around just to make the group look bigger and more popular? Are they kept around so they can gossip about them? Do they remain so that those in power can dismiss them and help show off the power structure that exists? Is the group just indifferent to those who don't contribute much but also don't degrade the experience of the group much so there isn't enough reason to try to actively get them out? I am sure there are lots of reasons why someone might hold this role, I just know for me I have been there before and I find it very hard to leave because sometimes things seem to work out or the group isn't overtly mean a lot of the time, and so it is hard for me to formulate evidence that this is a bad place for me.
Thank you for your time!
I don't feel like these things are planned by anyone or have anything to do with power dynamics or so. Instead, I just think the filler friend usually isn't specifically close to anyone in the group (anymore) but rather kind of gets along with everybody instead. I can't speak for toxic/mean groups since the friends I found myself to be a filler friend with are all cool people and I'm sure they'd wish the best for me, however, I just stopped having individual/personal interactions with them.
I had the same group of friends since highschool but I feel something changed long ago because they stopped listening to me and that made me want to speak less and just sit there listening to them.
These days Ive been hanging more with the quiet kids and I must say its the best thing ever, they are caring, willing to listen, always counting on me for going out, but I still really miss my old friends (or the memory of the friendship we had)
I really would love to interact more with the older group but I cant find a way to, the thing is that I feel like a weird person in social situations and with my relationships I always try a calculated approach that is why I think I'm somewhere in the autistic spectrum.
Not being loved by my friends as its supposed to be feels exausting because I always try to do my best and try different aproachs but get nothing in return, this has lead me to have a very low self steem and paranoia of them talking about me behind my back.
Its the worst feeling
I'm always a filler friend. thats why I dislike having a group of friends I just like to hang out one-one. I find that ppl tend to act so much different in a group vs one on one. I hope one day I could have a group of friends who I genuinely enjoy their company and to feel like a part of the group
"my whole family died in a car crash"
"car crashes are dope! can i come to the funeral?"
LMFAOO
Car crashes are dope, mind if I tag along???? It’s cool if u already have ur own group formed but I’ve never been to one would love to attend
Wow that's dope! Is it an open invitation?
*smiles* thank you for inviting me to this funeral! I had some much fun! I’d love to come to the next one!
I think this is why certain kind of traumas become taboo to talk about. Because most things in life most people can handle thinking of a good one two punch follow up response to it. But if someone really said "my whole family died in a car crash" you can't even say I'm sorry for your loss, even that is inappropriate. The only thing to say is "oh god" or "I can't even imagine" maybe us common, or expressions of disbelief like "what? Really?" Followed by maybe. What happened or how long ago if you're really astute and not afraid to trigger the person's trauma or tears. Most people also don't want to invite a whole conversation about something as serious as that.
When it's on your face that they purposely don't wanna include you, just get the heck out of that group, move on and meet other people. We don't deserve to be ditched or we don't need approvals. ✌🏻
never would i have thought to see the day that the billy cobb "zerwee" album cover would be a thumbnail from the doc himself
I’ve never felt more like a filler friend than yesterday. I was hanging out with some friends who I was pretty close with in high school, but they started to grow closer together and I just started to drift away. It got to the point where I didn’t understand anything they were talking about. Ultimately I just started hanging out with other people, but it’s frustrating as I made multiple attempts to voice how I felt I was drifting apart and tried to salvage our friendship, but they just made me feel like whether or not I hung out with them would make no difference in their lives whatsoever. Months went by where I wouldn’t talk to them and they didn’t seem to notice, let alone care. Anyway, I’ve moved on from them and have found new friends and communities, but it still sucks to feel so expended like that, especially when I think about how close we used to be.
that's me. The filler friend. I actually ghosted out of my friend groups and they didn't even notice. i imagine if i died you wouldn't find my body for like a year
I love how Dr K's videos are full of great, practical, actionable advice and the comments are just full of people completely ignoring it and restating how hopeless and unsolvable the topic of the video is
Sometimes, it's hard to tell if Dr. K really understands the struggle. Like, I respect that he's actually giving advice, but when it gets trivialized down to "just do x" (e.g. "easy 1 2 punch"), then it's hard to take him seriously.
@@Tsunami14 I don't know, are you watching the full video? The first third is him empathizing and explaining that he gets the situation, he understands the reasoning behind why people feel the way they do, and as someone who struggles with exactly the shit this video talks about I think he genuinely gets it
@@Tsunami14 these issues can't be resolved by internet advice, people need to find help in the real world if they are serious about fixing these issues.
The truth is a lot of "filler friends" stay that way because they either can't be arsed to put any effort into participating in things, or they're scared to. Frankly you get out of a friend group what you put in, if you want more engagement just be more engaging. Doesn't even need to be the 1-2 thing Dr K is talking about here. I've been on both sides of this coin, the thing that got me out of being the filler friend was actually talking, making my presence tangible and memorable, giving input on open ended topics, BEING the one to invite friends to things. I'd say it isn't hard but that's not true. It's rough if you aren't used to being visible like that. But you gotta do it, people aren't going to hand friendship on a silver platter to someone who they hardly know because they hardly make their personality visible
@@FaolPlay Well said