Thank you so very much! I am 70 years old and am just now beginning to drop this behavior. What a burden it’s been. I’ve lost a few “friends “ that weren’t friends after all. And, no, I won’t stop helping people, being civil, etc but will weigh each situation before proceeding. Best regards, you have helped more than you know.
Excellent mate, and yeah you don't have to stop being a good person at all - just be careful about why you're doing it. Glad to know I've helped, keep up the good fight
I was friends with a guy who clearly liked me and had anger issues, he was emotionally dependant on me and made me feel responsible for his happiness, I was always worried about saying things that would hurt him so I kept on tolerating his habit,deep down I knew that I wanted him to stop, but couldn't bring myself to say NO, Finally, I told him that he is emotionally dependant and I can't keep up with him, and I can't return to his feelings he said "you played with my feelings, f*ck you" .... I'm really ashamed because I couldn't set Boundaries, and because of that took his manipulation as a normal behavior, I would love to learn about setting boundaries now, and keep on trusting my intuition 🙏🙏🙏
Thanks for sharing this Dharna, you're not alone in falling into a relationship dynamic like the one you've described. People pleasers tend to attract users unfortunately. This podcast might help get you started on working on your confrontation skills soundcloud.com/thebrojo/179-the-naked-truth-confrontations-and-boundaries It's all from my book The Naked Truth which goes into even more detail on being assertive and stopping people-pleasing www.amazon.com/Naked-Truth-Shameless-Confidence-Connections-ebook/dp/B08L893C2L Get in touch if you have any questions I might be able to help with dan@brojo.org
@@brojoDan thank you for your video and sharing insights about people pleasing, I come from a background where there is no awareness about mental health, you gained a subscriber🙏🙏
My dad was like this. Everyone except his immediate family (me, siblings and mom) thinks he’s such a helpful, funny, friendly person. Everyone likes him. But when the doors are closed, he verbally abuses me and my siblings, and has done worse things to my kom to the point that she had to leave. Your video and explanation is so on point. Sometimes Im scared that I will end up like him. I also showed traits of a people pleaser with so much internal rage but I have since worked on it and im getting better, though I still sometimes hold anger inside of me, or when I dont speak up for myself in certain situations I think about what I should have said hours even days later.
The good news is at least you're aware of it and working on it, which is more than what your father did. I recommend you check out my book, it will help you make heaps of progress on this www.amazon.com/Naked-Truth-Shameless-Confidence-Connections-ebook/dp/B08L893C2L/
Accurate 😕 my ex husband was a chronic people-pleaser with friends and at work. At home he treated me like dirt. He also permitted other people to use and abuse me, refusing to set boundaries when I begged. I moved out of my home multiple times and eventually the relationship broke down.
This made me realize i have been suppressing anger since i was little. My mom has anger issues, which i feel has something to do with it. I tend to let it out on my car instead of being confident enough to call out disrespect the minute it happens. Thanks for this video
I'm going through a break up with a people pleaser and it is awful. He was such a great partner in many ways, initially, and then I started to be deprioritized, everything was more important than me, work, friends, his mother, everything and everyone else's opinions and feelings took precedence over me. He let his rich work friend/ boss basically say rude, demeaning things to me, refused to set a boundary with this friend when I asked him in private to, acted like I was crazy for asking him to set a boundary and talked shit about me to all his friends and tried to pressure me to keep tolerating the bad treatment from his friends. I totally lost respect for him and his lack of emotional genuineness... I realized much of our relationship was him acting like he thought would get me to stick around, instead of being honest. I was showing up as my real self, vulnerabilities and all, to someone who wasn't being honest and was pretending to love me while silently harbouring resentments towards me for having basic emotional needs from my partner. He acted so in love with me and then broke up with my out of the blue. After moving me from a country which I loved where I had friends and a job I liked, to a place I did not like, in the middle of the pandemic, where I was surrounded only by his friends, who he then proceeded to make more important than me at every opportunity. I feel utterly exhausted and so betrayed by him, in the end.
Yeah that sucks a lot. People "pleaser" is a weird term considering how much damage they can do! At least you're free from him now and have a chance at a better life. Painful lesson indeed, I hope you're able to recover and eventually move on. Let me know if you'd like more personal support dan@brojo.org
Thankyou for sharing your story. This is vital information to me as I've just gotten intimate with a bloke I've known for years but something is off & I'm trying to pinpoint what it is before I get too close to this guy. He's thoughtful in other ways. Very forgiving if I apologise for anything & seems he'll bent on pleasing me ( at this stage ) but I rarely hear from him & when he visits, if he gets a phone call, he'll put it on loud speaker every time. Which to me seems odd behaviour. I think he could be setting up some of those phone calls but anyway something is way off here.
Hey i m that kinda of bf and my gf hates my guts she is breaking up with me and i really dont know what to do here Obviously i dont do it willingly it happens cause my mind feels like she ll understand and then i just don't
Yup, trying to please everyone only guarantees upsetting someone. So you might as well just do what you honestly want and let everyone feel however they're going to feel about it!
Thank you so much. This really helped me understand myself. You're a cool dude, takes a lot of guts to tell on one self but you did that to help us. I respect you
Thanks buddy, I'm glad to hear this helped you with self awareness. I'm happy to share my own faults if it helps someone else. Check out my book The Naked Truth if you wanna go even deeper
So helpful God bless you. You are literally speaking about my persona...I'm seen as a strong, confident person but i have internal rage...and made some reckless decisions which were so detrimental looking back. I was trying to please people who I considered mentors to me and I found myself being reckless and raging. Thanks so much. God bless you so much.
Yes this is a common story my friend. Hopefully some of my content on people-pleasing will help you find a way to deal with that rage (all people-pleasers have secret rage). This podcast episode will help kick things off for you soundcloud.com/thebrojo/overcoming-nice-guy-syndrome
My wife is the PP. She treats me the worse. We've been married for 35 years, and I've always said: "You treat me like I'm low-man on the Totem Pole". Her response has always been, "Well, your right next to me.". We have raised 3 children together and she's a great Mom. Now the kids are grown/out of the house. Now my wife has become the care-taker for older extended family members, as well as her working full time. I've established a boundary of not getting involved in these commitments she makes to these others - but now she's seeing me as being uncooperative to her care-taking of the things I don't consider things I believe are part of my immediate family (wife & kids). So she resents me for that, and I resent how she's prioritizing her time/attention towards people (extended family members) I don't consider our responsibility. The only time she lets out her frustrations is at/to me. I tell her - She's shows a happy face to everyone, but to me you're miserable. Her response is that I get to see the "real" her. I'm getting close to checking out. Any suggestions?
Yeah sadly this is a pretty common scenario, and it sounds like your wife is in the "precontemplative" stage, meaning she lacks awareness that she is the problem here. Email me and we can book in a time to talk it through dan@brojo.org Otherwise, she simply needs to see that she will lose you. You must be willing to leave her for her to be shocked into change (it can't just be a tactic, you must actually be willing to walk away). And show her this video.
I married a guy and right after he verbally abused me all the time. His son who was eight also. Bad anger, yelling, banging things shouting at me. I want to leave. He also has always been intimacy avoidant. It's been 18 years now and I still am not totally sure what the heck his problem is. Narcissist's? A sexual? Verbally Abusive, Passive Aggressive All of the list? I need to know and whenever I have asked him why he is like this he just says he doesn't know. Then gets mad and walks away. Then he will avoid me and punish me with the silent treatment!! It's making me insane. How do I know what he is??? I'm going to leave soon as Covid is done. Or before.
Hey Melinda, sounds like you're in a pretty unhealthy relationship there. I don't know all the details obviously, but maybe you should check out this video on narcissists ua-cam.com/video/392_oWZEalM/v-deo.html
I fall in the spectrum of people pleasing, the only thing I’m gonna add is that I do get angry but it comes out as depression for me. I get angry at myself. I let out anger often, but mostly gets diverted back to me. I don’t harm others physically, just myself, by over eating, not taking care of myself and constant self doubt. I do say no to people, but in relationships my love language is acts of service to no ill effect to me, but it can come off as people pleasing. I’m not a people pleaser in general, since I have no problem saying no.
Every people pleaser is slightly different, and some can say no but struggle in other areas (e.g. caretaking rather than acts of service). Check out this podcast to get more ideas about the different types soundcloud.com/thebrojo/the-4-types-of-nice-guys
@@brojoDan I don’t think this helps me specifically, it talks a lot about nice “guys” did you Taylor this for only men? Instead call them people pleasers and maybe talk about how it’s a trauma response from childhood or acquired through a damaging relationship. I like that you start by saying it’s a spectrum but then go and put them into types. It helps to put people into groups to describe them, but also limits them into a category or type when in fact people pleasers and have all of these traits some of these traits, or one but what they all have in common in seeking validation, it’s just good intention collateral damage or friendly fire validation. Plus I wouldn’t call myself a nice guy, personally. You’re doing great work, I just didn’t resonate fully with this podcast.
I cried listening to this. I am a people pleaser to the point of marrying a guy and having children with him and moving to his home country. I got treated disrespectfully By his family and he didn't stand up to me. Two years later he cheats on me online and with some woman in the village. I don't have rage issues but I do have internal depressive thoughts of suicide constantly. I would never harm anyone nor myself for the sake of my beloved children. After the cheating I constantly think of going back to my country and to divorce and start over alone with the kids. But I cannot allow myself to harm my children emotionally? I feel like in a prison.
Sounds like divorce would be what's best for the children. One way to look at this is: they will be hurt no matter what you do. If you stay, they'll be hurt by watching you suffer and by learning a bad example from their father. If you go, they'll be hurt initially by the change but then can grow into healthier adults later and have better lives.
Please help me 😭 I’m exactly like this and I take everything out on my family, ending up hurting them and I don’t know how to stop people pleasing without making everyone hate me or coming off as mean and unlikeable
Because it was my Father who was and somewhat still is like this . me and my brother have observing this and recieved the blunt edge of anger and cruelty , the whole double standard of behaviour towards outsiders vs family ... For few years i have observed that I also started doing similarly around friends and outsiders but being cruel and insensitive towards my brother ... I observed the pattern and it made me a bit sick , i started consciuously checking myself from time to time . The people pleaser in me has not left the system completely but started to to treat my loved ones fairly...
Thanks Lily! Hey, if you’re into this kinda stuff, check out my Brojo self-development community (free) www.brojo.org/ - you can get free access to my courses here too, which go way deeper than my posts :)
Yeah mate, it's hard to be the partner of a people pleaser and watch with envy as they treat everyone better than you, right?! Maybe show her the video... let me know how it goes dan@brojo.org
Thanks for the video! I showed love to a people pleaser and tried to encourage her to show some confidence and now that she is probably feels more confident, she is moving on! Is that part of the process that when they get attention and love they get maybe bored?
It sounds like she maybe has an "avoidant attachment style" (google it) - meaning she gets scared by intimacy and love, so runs away from anyone who is good to her for too long
Join the free Brojo self-development community on Skool here: www.skool.com/brojo-the-integrity-army-6491
Thank you so very much! I am 70 years old and am just now beginning to drop this behavior. What a burden it’s been. I’ve lost a few “friends “ that weren’t friends after all. And, no, I won’t stop helping people, being civil, etc but will weigh each situation before proceeding. Best regards, you have helped more than you know.
Excellent mate, and yeah you don't have to stop being a good person at all - just be careful about why you're doing it. Glad to know I've helped, keep up the good fight
I was friends with a guy who clearly liked me and had anger issues, he was emotionally dependant on me and made me feel responsible for his happiness, I was always worried about saying things that would hurt him so I kept on tolerating his habit,deep down I knew that I wanted him to stop, but couldn't bring myself to say NO,
Finally, I told him that he is emotionally dependant and I can't keep up with him, and I can't return to his feelings he said "you played with my feelings, f*ck you"
....
I'm really ashamed because I couldn't set Boundaries, and because of that took his manipulation as a normal behavior,
I would love to learn about setting boundaries now, and keep on trusting my intuition 🙏🙏🙏
Thanks for sharing this Dharna, you're not alone in falling into a relationship dynamic like the one you've described. People pleasers tend to attract users unfortunately.
This podcast might help get you started on working on your confrontation skills soundcloud.com/thebrojo/179-the-naked-truth-confrontations-and-boundaries
It's all from my book The Naked Truth which goes into even more detail on being assertive and stopping people-pleasing www.amazon.com/Naked-Truth-Shameless-Confidence-Connections-ebook/dp/B08L893C2L
Get in touch if you have any questions I might be able to help with dan@brojo.org
@@brojoDan thank you for your video and sharing insights about people pleasing, I come from a background where there is no awareness about mental health, you gained a subscriber🙏🙏
@@dharnasahu2506 any time buddy :)
My dad was like this. Everyone except his immediate family (me, siblings and mom) thinks he’s such a helpful, funny, friendly person. Everyone likes him. But when the doors are closed, he verbally abuses me and my siblings, and has done worse things to my kom to the point that she had to leave.
Your video and explanation is so on point. Sometimes Im scared that I will end up like him. I also showed traits of a people pleaser with so much internal rage but I have since worked on it and im getting better, though I still sometimes hold anger inside of me, or when I dont speak up for myself in certain situations I think about what I should have said hours even days later.
The good news is at least you're aware of it and working on it, which is more than what your father did. I recommend you check out my book, it will help you make heaps of progress on this www.amazon.com/Naked-Truth-Shameless-Confidence-Connections-ebook/dp/B08L893C2L/
Thought that was just my family. Wow 💚
Accurate 😕 my ex husband was a chronic people-pleaser with friends and at work. At home he treated me like dirt. He also permitted other people to use and abuse me, refusing to set boundaries when I begged.
I moved out of my home multiple times and eventually the relationship broke down.
Yeah Louisa, it sucks to be on the receiving end of this, totally unfair
@@brojoDan it definitely isn’t a healthy way to be so I’m glad you’re doing videos on the fallout so that people can make changes 🙂
This made me realize i have been suppressing anger since i was little. My mom has anger issues, which i feel has something to do with it.
I tend to let it out on my car instead of being confident enough to call out disrespect the minute it happens.
Thanks for this video
You're welcome Eben. You might also like this other one I did about anger ua-cam.com/video/oVmpTsHOX-A/v-deo.html
Everyone needs to hear this. Keep it up! People are listening.
Still listening. Thank you
I'm going through a break up with a people pleaser and it is awful. He was such a great partner in many ways, initially, and then I started to be deprioritized, everything was more important than me, work, friends, his mother, everything and everyone else's opinions and feelings took precedence over me. He let his rich work friend/ boss basically say rude, demeaning things to me, refused to set a boundary with this friend when I asked him in private to, acted like I was crazy for asking him to set a boundary and talked shit about me to all his friends and tried to pressure me to keep tolerating the bad treatment from his friends. I totally lost respect for him and his lack of emotional genuineness... I realized much of our relationship was him acting like he thought would get me to stick around, instead of being honest. I was showing up as my real self, vulnerabilities and all, to someone who wasn't being honest and was pretending to love me while silently harbouring resentments towards me for having basic emotional needs from my partner. He acted so in love with me and then broke up with my out of the blue. After moving me from a country which I loved where I had friends and a job I liked, to a place I did not like, in the middle of the pandemic, where I was surrounded only by his friends, who he then proceeded to make more important than me at every opportunity. I feel utterly exhausted and so betrayed by him, in the end.
Yeah that sucks a lot. People "pleaser" is a weird term considering how much damage they can do! At least you're free from him now and have a chance at a better life. Painful lesson indeed, I hope you're able to recover and eventually move on. Let me know if you'd like more personal support dan@brojo.org
Thankyou for sharing your story. This is vital information to me as I've just gotten intimate with a bloke I've known for years but something is off & I'm trying to pinpoint what it is before I get too close to this guy.
He's thoughtful in other ways. Very forgiving if I apologise for anything & seems he'll bent on pleasing me ( at this stage ) but I rarely hear from him & when he visits, if he gets a phone call, he'll put it on loud speaker every time. Which to me seems odd behaviour.
I think he could be setting up some of those phone calls but anyway something is way off here.
Hey i m that kinda of bf and my gf hates my guts she is breaking up with me and i really dont know what to do here
Obviously i dont do it willingly it happens cause my mind feels like she ll understand and then i just don't
Pls reply
@@ayaanbarvatiya4555 you might be borderline personality?
Being a people pleaser myself I can tell you that if I make one friend happy I make another one angry or sad
Yup, trying to please everyone only guarantees upsetting someone. So you might as well just do what you honestly want and let everyone feel however they're going to feel about it!
Thank you so much. This really helped me understand myself. You're a cool dude, takes a lot of guts to tell on one self but you did that to help us. I respect you
Thanks buddy, I'm glad to hear this helped you with self awareness. I'm happy to share my own faults if it helps someone else. Check out my book The Naked Truth if you wanna go even deeper
Spot on, this is one aspect of people pleasing even experts don't discuss. I now understand why I was always so irritated
Yeah it took me a few years of investigation to figure this one out
So helpful God bless you. You are literally speaking about my persona...I'm seen as a strong, confident person but i have internal rage...and made some reckless decisions which were so detrimental looking back. I was trying to please people who I considered mentors to me and I found myself being reckless and raging. Thanks so much. God bless you so much.
Yes this is a common story my friend. Hopefully some of my content on people-pleasing will help you find a way to deal with that rage (all people-pleasers have secret rage). This podcast episode will help kick things off for you soundcloud.com/thebrojo/overcoming-nice-guy-syndrome
My wife is the PP. She treats me the worse. We've been married for 35 years, and I've always said: "You treat me like I'm low-man on the Totem Pole". Her response has always been, "Well, your right next to me.". We have raised 3 children together and she's a great Mom. Now the kids are grown/out of the house. Now my wife has become the care-taker for older extended family members, as well as her working full time. I've established a boundary of not getting involved in these commitments she makes to these others - but now she's seeing me as being uncooperative to her care-taking of the things I don't consider things I believe are part of my immediate family (wife & kids). So she resents me for that, and I resent how she's prioritizing her time/attention towards people (extended family members) I don't consider our responsibility. The only time she lets out her frustrations is at/to me. I tell her - She's shows a happy face to everyone, but to me you're miserable. Her response is that I get to see the "real" her. I'm getting close to checking out. Any suggestions?
Yeah sadly this is a pretty common scenario, and it sounds like your wife is in the "precontemplative" stage, meaning she lacks awareness that she is the problem here.
Email me and we can book in a time to talk it through dan@brojo.org
Otherwise, she simply needs to see that she will lose you. You must be willing to leave her for her to be shocked into change (it can't just be a tactic, you must actually be willing to walk away).
And show her this video.
I think this video is about to change my life❤️
Let me know how it goes! dan@brojo.org
A very valuable emotional teaching in a simple and straight forward language and with such a good and genuin viberation.Thank you🙏🏻
Thank YOU Maren, I'm happy that you enjoyed it
I married a guy and right after he verbally abused me all the time. His son who was eight also. Bad anger, yelling, banging things shouting at me. I want to leave. He also has always been intimacy avoidant. It's been 18 years now and I still am not totally sure what the heck his problem is. Narcissist's? A sexual? Verbally Abusive, Passive Aggressive All of the list? I need to know and whenever I have asked him why he is like this he just says he doesn't know. Then gets mad and walks away. Then he will avoid me and punish me with the silent treatment!! It's making me insane. How do I know what he is??? I'm going to leave soon as Covid is done. Or before.
Hey Melinda, sounds like you're in a pretty unhealthy relationship there. I don't know all the details obviously, but maybe you should check out this video on narcissists ua-cam.com/video/392_oWZEalM/v-deo.html
Sounds like he has NPD.
I fall in the spectrum of people pleasing, the only thing I’m gonna add is that I do get angry but it comes out as depression for me. I get angry at myself. I let out anger often, but mostly gets diverted back to me. I don’t harm others physically, just myself, by over eating, not taking care of myself and constant self doubt. I do say no to people, but in relationships my love language is acts of service to no ill effect to me, but it can come off as people pleasing. I’m not a people pleaser in general, since I have no problem saying no.
Every people pleaser is slightly different, and some can say no but struggle in other areas (e.g. caretaking rather than acts of service). Check out this podcast to get more ideas about the different types soundcloud.com/thebrojo/the-4-types-of-nice-guys
@@brojoDan I don’t think this helps me specifically, it talks a lot about nice “guys” did you Taylor this for only men? Instead call them people pleasers and maybe talk about how it’s a trauma response from childhood or acquired through a damaging relationship. I like that you start by saying it’s a spectrum but then go and put them into types. It helps to put people into groups to describe them, but also limits them into a category or type when in fact people pleasers and have all of these traits some of these traits, or one but what they all have in common in seeking validation, it’s just good intention collateral damage or friendly fire validation. Plus I wouldn’t call myself a nice guy, personally. You’re doing great work, I just didn’t resonate fully with this podcast.
This has helped big time.
Thankyou so much💛
You’re welcome 😊
This is brilliant, the best explanation I’ve heard!
Excellent, thanks mate
Thanks a lot for sharing this very important information :-)
You're welcome mate, cheers
I cried listening to this. I am a people pleaser to the point of marrying a guy and having children with him and moving to his home country. I got treated disrespectfully By his family and he didn't stand up to me. Two years later he cheats on me online and with some woman in the village.
I don't have rage issues but I do have internal depressive thoughts of suicide constantly. I would never harm anyone nor myself for the sake of my beloved children.
After the cheating I constantly think of going back to my country and to divorce and start over alone with the kids. But I cannot allow myself to harm my children emotionally? I feel like in a prison.
Sounds like divorce would be what's best for the children. One way to look at this is: they will be hurt no matter what you do. If you stay, they'll be hurt by watching you suffer and by learning a bad example from their father. If you go, they'll be hurt initially by the change but then can grow into healthier adults later and have better lives.
That's very insightful thank you
Glad you enjoyed it!
thank you for sharing
Happy to help :)
This is the advice I needed. Thanks
Excellent, that's why I do videos!
Please help me 😭 I’m exactly like this and I take everything out on my family, ending up hurting them and I don’t know how to stop people pleasing without making everyone hate me or coming off as mean and unlikeable
Hey Vrinda you're not alone and there is hope. Email me and we'll talk about next steps for your development here dan@brojo.org
Thank you , it was helpful....
You're welcome!
Because it was my Father who was and somewhat still is like this .
me and my brother have observing this and recieved the blunt edge of anger and cruelty , the whole double standard of behaviour towards outsiders vs family ...
For few years i have observed that I also started doing similarly around friends and outsiders but being cruel
and insensitive towards my brother ...
I observed the pattern and it made me a bit sick , i started consciuously checking myself from time to time .
The people pleaser in me has not left the system completely but started to to treat my loved ones fairly...
@@tusharr922 Excellent work mate - it's our duty to protect the future generations from the illnesses of our ancestors
wow. bang on
Thanks Lily! Hey, if you’re into this kinda stuff, check out my Brojo self-development community (free) www.brojo.org/ - you can get free access to my courses here too, which go way deeper than my posts :)
My wife has been caught in this cycle all her life.
Yeah mate, it's hard to be the partner of a people pleaser and watch with envy as they treat everyone better than you, right?! Maybe show her the video... let me know how it goes dan@brojo.org
Mine too. Now I keep wondering how do you handle such people.
Inverted funnel………So true ! Never again…….
It's a tough pattern to break but worth the effort!
Thanks for the video! I showed love to a people pleaser and tried to encourage her to show some confidence and now that she is probably feels more confident, she is moving on! Is that part of the process that when they get attention and love they get maybe bored?
It sounds like she maybe has an "avoidant attachment style" (google it) - meaning she gets scared by intimacy and love, so runs away from anyone who is good to her for too long
thanku sir
You're welcome mate
Thank you💞subbed
Thanks for subbing :)
Doesn’t this better describe a vacillator?
I'd say it incorporates it - vaccilating is a trait of people-pleasers