You're not alone in your struggle Jayla - so many people do this in marriage and long term relationships and parenting. The good news is that you don't have to keep doing it. You can change and help others accommodate a new, more self-serving You. They'll even come to like you more because of it (probably). Email me if you want help with it dan@brojo.org
Good anology of th O2 mask. I used to sacrifice for my children doing without because we struggled fiancially. I did make my kids work for the extras. When I was an RN i sacrificed myself for my patients - yep, I have life long injuries. About a year ago a good friend said to me, " You do know there is a difference between self sacrifice and self abuse." That hit me hard between the eyes and helped me to grow. Thanks for the video
"Let that stuff go, it's killing you!" That struck a cord. I think that's the point of it, to kill ones' self. Self hatered and the cowardness to confront myself made pleasing others a socially acceptable form of suicide. Just slow enough so no one would notice. And if I get lucky enough and do die, then I can stop trying so hard.
The good news is, you can stop this slow suicide any time you want. All it takes is a bit more confrontational honesty - not as hard as it sounds www.brojo.org/course/confrontations-boundary-setting
Thankyou for this video.Was insightful.Some of this behaviour is propelled by tacitly knowing our own insignificance and trying to interject ourself in a way that gives us significance and control
Spot on with that insight! I've found that my people-pleaser clients are so scared of being insignificant that I had to make an entire podcast about it soundcloud.com/thebrojo/you-are-not-special
What's your most common self-sacrificing behaviour? Mine is stopping something I'm doing halfway just because someone around me seems upset by something.
My problem is the looming thought that people ASSUME I STILL AM, and I remember how much they encroached on my niceness to the point I feel cheated, and I want to work on exuding the vibe that you may NOT assume you can do that anymore.
Yeah that's a normal transition phase Dean - people need to get used to the new you. Rather than focusing on a 'vibe', tell them directly and start being more confrontational. This might help: www.brojo.org/course/confrontations-boundary-setting
Actually according to my reads and my watched schema therapy videos, reason for this behaviour is this thought: "you must do something for the others if your doings hurt you or you are selfish" and " your takers unable to take care of you because of their pain or somebody's needs" "your needs are not important" kinds of situations.
You know, at least I can see that underneath all that is a belief that I'm worthless no matter what I do. It's like playing a game you can never win so it's not worth playing. But for me, that was the only thing I knew. I never asked for attention, in fact I avoided it. The only thing that made me stick with it was my belief that that's something right to do. Well...I guess not.
This is so situational and based on a limited view of the person who helps. At the very least, don’t characterize someone who steps in to help in the same pool as hero complex people. The hero complex people are self serving in their motivation vs people who step in mostly because the idea of self completely is not a factor. Those people are special when they still know themselves and have a life but know when it’s time to be what someone needs in their worst moments
Couldn't agree more. If you regularly take care of your own needs, set boundaries, and respect yourself, then you don't have hero complex. However, in my personal experience, most people I've met who consider themselves as "helpful" do a lot of self-sacrificing. I've met very few people who have figured out how to be both generously helpful and self-respecting. It is possible, but rare.
BROJO Self-Development - Dan Munro & Mike Wells That combination is rare, however there are also the truly random accuracies when there are people who are happy to care for others and even they don’t require their own personal needs. I’ve found this far more in the outlier social segment which is rich with negative upbringing and pain. There is a certain point for some people out there that once crossed and self realized, they care more about others more than anything else. They aren’t limited by half ass help due to their position, their help is accurate and helpful since it’s given with their ability vs fixing everything that they can’t achieve. Sometimes the smallest help can be the most needed and they are great at that. Sorry if it hit on your video, your vid just popped up. Just think the real completely honest form of “self sacrifice” is far more than hashtag worthy or what people are used to. For those rare creatures that live that experience, they should be praised vs admonished just because the term is unfortunately attributed to some self serving segment
The way I'd put it - if a person is truly giving from a place of love and generosity, then it isn't self-sacrificing. They are feeling rewarded from their deeds, fulfilling their own needs through helping and giving. They don't actually sacrifice (i.e. lose) anything
BROJO Self-Development - Dan Munro & Mike Wells something I wonder is if even giving of yourself has to have a reward? Basically by helping another or providing for someone else, does that have to be fulfilling your own need or providing you a reward even if it wasn’t desired or had no meaning to the recipient. Basically if you give to another because you want to give, the hate or annoyance of thanks because one purely wanted to help another because they appeared to need help. Is that a reward even if it’s not wanted. Does that fulfill a need when one didn’t need it but just felt it was necessary?
@@radracer713 I'd say if it feels meaningful, that's a reward. If it doesn't feel meaningful, then there's no reason to do it. If someone gives without any meaning, then they can't even be sure that it's giving
🐂💩 Self sacrifice is one of the greatest things in the world. It is just, virtues, admirable, honorable, courageous and the right thing to do. You never know when you might be the one in need. God Bless
Join the free Brojo self-development community on Skool here: www.skool.com/brojo-the-integrity-army-6491
My whole marriage has been based on Self sacrifice. I have sacrifised who i am to try and make everyone else happy but i am miserable
You're not alone in your struggle Jayla - so many people do this in marriage and long term relationships and parenting. The good news is that you don't have to keep doing it. You can change and help others accommodate a new, more self-serving You. They'll even come to like you more because of it (probably).
Email me if you want help with it dan@brojo.org
Good anology of th O2 mask.
I used to sacrifice for my children doing without because we struggled fiancially. I did make my kids work for the extras. When I was an RN i sacrificed myself for my patients - yep, I have life long injuries.
About a year ago a good friend said to me, " You do know there is a difference between self sacrifice and self abuse." That hit me hard between the eyes and helped me to grow.
Thanks for the video
I know this video is 2 years old but I really needed this guidance, waking up this morning. Thank you for the help
"Let that stuff go, it's killing you!"
That struck a cord. I think that's the point of it, to kill ones' self. Self hatered and the cowardness to confront myself made pleasing others a socially acceptable form of suicide. Just slow enough so no one would notice. And if I get lucky enough and do die, then I can stop trying so hard.
The good news is, you can stop this slow suicide any time you want. All it takes is a bit more confrontational honesty - not as hard as it sounds www.brojo.org/course/confrontations-boundary-setting
After 2 years I have visited this video again. This video helps me put things into perspective about my self care and my self image.
Harsh truth does it best. Thank u
Hope it helps mate. I prefer receiving harsh truths too. Get in touch if theres anything more I can help with dan@brojo.org
Thankyou for this video.Was insightful.Some of this behaviour is propelled by tacitly knowing our own insignificance and trying to interject ourself in a way that gives us significance and control
Spot on with that insight! I've found that my people-pleaser clients are so scared of being insignificant that I had to make an entire podcast about it soundcloud.com/thebrojo/you-are-not-special
What's your most common self-sacrificing behaviour? Mine is stopping something I'm doing halfway just because someone around me seems upset by something.
Living in NZ for a year and a half for my Mrs, bruv! I got depressed amd regret my fkin time being in there.
Good video n advise tho
My problem is the looming thought that people ASSUME I STILL AM, and I remember how much they encroached on my niceness to the point I feel cheated, and I want to work on exuding the vibe that you may NOT assume you can do that anymore.
Yeah that's a normal transition phase Dean - people need to get used to the new you. Rather than focusing on a 'vibe', tell them directly and start being more confrontational. This might help: www.brojo.org/course/confrontations-boundary-setting
RIP AND TEAR UNTIL IT IS DONE
Actually according to my reads and my watched schema therapy videos, reason for this behaviour is this thought: "you must do something for the others if your doings hurt you or you are selfish" and " your takers unable to take care of you because of their pain or somebody's needs" "your needs are not important" kinds of situations.
You know, at least I can see that underneath all that is a belief that I'm worthless no matter what I do. It's like playing a game you can never win so it's not worth playing. But for me, that was the only thing I knew. I never asked for attention, in fact I avoided it. The only thing that made me stick with it was my belief that that's something right to do. Well...I guess not.
You're on the right track, in that addressing the worthlessness belief will change everything. Email me for more support on this dan@brojo.org
This is so situational and based on a limited view of the person who helps. At the very least, don’t characterize someone who steps in to help in the same pool as hero complex people. The hero complex people are self serving in their motivation vs people who step in mostly because the idea of self completely is not a factor. Those people are special when they still know themselves and have a life but know when it’s time to be what someone needs in their worst moments
Couldn't agree more. If you regularly take care of your own needs, set boundaries, and respect yourself, then you don't have hero complex. However, in my personal experience, most people I've met who consider themselves as "helpful" do a lot of self-sacrificing. I've met very few people who have figured out how to be both generously helpful and self-respecting. It is possible, but rare.
BROJO Self-Development - Dan Munro & Mike Wells That combination is rare, however there are also the truly random accuracies when there are people who are happy to care for others and even they don’t require their own personal needs. I’ve found this far more in the outlier social segment which is rich with negative upbringing and pain. There is a certain point for some people out there that once crossed and self realized, they care more about others more than anything else. They aren’t limited by half ass help due to their position, their help is accurate and helpful since it’s given with their ability vs fixing everything that they can’t achieve. Sometimes the smallest help can be the most needed and they are great at that. Sorry if it hit on your video, your vid just popped up. Just think the real completely honest form of “self sacrifice” is far more than hashtag worthy or what people are used to. For those rare creatures that live that experience, they should be praised vs admonished just because the term is unfortunately attributed to some self serving segment
The way I'd put it - if a person is truly giving from a place of love and generosity, then it isn't self-sacrificing. They are feeling rewarded from their deeds, fulfilling their own needs through helping and giving. They don't actually sacrifice (i.e. lose) anything
BROJO Self-Development - Dan Munro & Mike Wells something I wonder is if even giving of yourself has to have a reward? Basically by helping another or providing for someone else, does that have to be fulfilling your own need or providing you a reward even if it wasn’t desired or had no meaning to the recipient. Basically if you give to another because you want to give, the hate or annoyance of thanks because one purely wanted to help another because they appeared to need help. Is that a reward even if it’s not wanted. Does that fulfill a need when one didn’t need it but just felt it was necessary?
@@radracer713 I'd say if it feels meaningful, that's a reward. If it doesn't feel meaningful, then there's no reason to do it. If someone gives without any meaning, then they can't even be sure that it's giving
🙏💜
🐂💩
Self sacrifice is one of the greatest things in the world. It is just, virtues, admirable, honorable, courageous and the right thing to do. You never know when you might be the one in need.
God Bless
"Indeed Allah will not change the conditions of a population until they change what is in themselves." Quran’s Ar-Ra’d 13:11