Great video! I'm not a guy but I used to be a huge people pleaser which is very close and I do still struggle with this rage that is so deep and all the explosiveness that is many times uncalled for. I found this very helpful, thank you for sharing this. Also I love the no bs attitude, I really hate it when people sugar coat every word so as not to offend anyone ever (which is ironically a form of people pleasing too!) because it makes the point so much harder to understand and I feel it undermines the advice so much, so thank you for not stroking anyone's ego, everyone should take responsibility for their life regardless of what happened to them, that does'nt mean they are to blame for it but simply that no one else will do it for them and it is their job now.
Thanks! Yeah nice guy syndrome and people pleasing have a lot of crossover, and the rage/resentment problem is the same for each I reckon. I'm happy to hear you're taking responsibility for this and don't need it sugar coated. I prefer the hard hitting approach myself, I find too much compassion and niceness just makes me less likely to absorb the message. Email me if there's more I can do for you dan@brojo.org
I've been studying guys like us for more than 10 years. There are a LOT of guys who feel that this video is talking about them personally. Get in touch if you want more support with recovering from Nice Guy syndrome and becoming more confident dan@brojo.org
I can totally relate to this was bullied at school for many years turned to many addictions to cope unconsciously. As I have grown up the more I see these traits in my father and I have grown a lot of resentment and anger as a result towards him. I am seeing a therapist. But the anger at having to reparent myself because my dad didn’t deal with his shit is crippling. He was there financially but wasn’t there emotionally and leading by example, no discipline, no education about interacting with other men and women, making good decisions.
Yeah that's a tough upbringing mate. Unfortunately we don't get to choose our parents, and there's no qualifying exam. Some of us ended up with parents who couldn't handle the job (but were probably doing the best they could). Re-parenting yourself is just a necessary part of life
This video is spot on, but i think you should have mentioned why people become people pleasers, and sympathised with them too. The fact is that nice guys kinda hate themselves, and by saying that the problem is them, it only makes it worse. Instead, look at the trauma. I believe nice guy syndrome is caused by feeling not worthy of love. Thus, overcompensating for love, by being nice. Nice guys need to LOVE THEMSELVES MORE. That's how they respect themselves. That's how they can stop their people pleasing, and just be cool with THEMSELVES. To all nice guys, stop hating yourself, and what you've become! Look at the positive aspects in your life. And then slowly address your weaknesses, and work on becoming more assertive, and putting yourself first, day-by-day.
Needed to hear this after having a week to 2 week explosion at someone who i was blaming for all my frustration when really as you say it's me I'm angry at. Great video.
I love that you have the humility and awareness to take responsibility for that mate. From there you can change how you deal with it in the future. I have another video about how people pleasers hurt their loved ones the most. Email me know if you're keen and Ill send you the vid dan@brojo.org
This is so raw, you seem to have such a good memory of who you once were which is really amazing. I never knew about that 50%, kinda scary, did you talk to many of those guys?
Yeah I worked with a few domestic murderers. Of course I didnt meet them until decades after the event. Nice Guy Syndrome is no joke, its a serious mental illness that can lead to the worst possible outcomes
@@brojoDan so they just snapped, I mean it is hard to know what really happened before it if they murdered their families, we only have to take the murderers' word on what happened
There's always a backstory. Like I said, the doco American Murder is a great representative example of the build up - a man with no spine slowly deteriorating over time
The last 5min is basically you trying to make us buy your shit by trying to convince us that we are at fault for our anger, and that you can offer us the solution lol.
The tragic irony here is that you're obviously angry and struggling to channel it in a way I could help you with, and yet you would never let someone like me help you because your anger would resist me (like it already is). I hope you find something else that gets through your wall. I suggest looking into Stoicism
You‘re wrong. the reason for the anger/rage is an old experience where you had to supress your anger to survive. So facing your repressed anger is like facing death. The reason for the anger is not „resentment at yourself for not being who you should be“ like you said.
My approach seems to work effectively with my clients and I'm professionally trained in anger management techniques, so until I see counter evidence I'm going to assume I'm not wrong on this issue. Put it this way: you're obviously still struggling with your anger and Im not (neither are my clients) despite starting with the same level of rage you're experiencing. Maybe my approach is more effective than yours and despite seeming wrong to you it actually works
While a few nice guys are like this, ie a short term adoption of nice guy traits to please women, most nice guys actually have much deeper childhood trauma that drives them
If you enjoyed this video, you can buy me a beer! www.buymeacoffee.com/danthecoach
Great video! I'm not a guy but I used to be a huge people pleaser which is very close and I do still struggle with this rage that is so deep and all the explosiveness that is many times uncalled for. I found this very helpful, thank you for sharing this. Also I love the no bs attitude, I really hate it when people sugar coat every word so as not to offend anyone ever (which is ironically a form of people pleasing too!) because it makes the point so much harder to understand and I feel it undermines the advice so much, so thank you for not stroking anyone's ego, everyone should take responsibility for their life regardless of what happened to them, that does'nt mean they are to blame for it but simply that no one else will do it for them and it is their job now.
Thanks! Yeah nice guy syndrome and people pleasing have a lot of crossover, and the rage/resentment problem is the same for each I reckon.
I'm happy to hear you're taking responsibility for this and don't need it sugar coated. I prefer the hard hitting approach myself, I find too much compassion and niceness just makes me less likely to absorb the message.
Email me if there's more I can do for you dan@brojo.org
I’m convinced you know me, personally, after watchin this.
I've been studying guys like us for more than 10 years. There are a LOT of guys who feel that this video is talking about them personally. Get in touch if you want more support with recovering from Nice Guy syndrome and becoming more confident dan@brojo.org
I can totally relate to this was bullied at school for many years turned to many addictions to cope unconsciously. As I have grown up the more I see these traits in my father and I have grown a lot of resentment and anger as a result towards him. I am seeing a therapist. But the anger at having to reparent myself because my dad didn’t deal with his shit is crippling. He was there financially but wasn’t there emotionally and leading by example, no discipline, no education about interacting with other men and women, making good decisions.
Yeah that's a tough upbringing mate. Unfortunately we don't get to choose our parents, and there's no qualifying exam. Some of us ended up with parents who couldn't handle the job (but were probably doing the best they could). Re-parenting yourself is just a necessary part of life
This video is spot on, but i think you should have mentioned why people become people pleasers, and sympathised with them too. The fact is that nice guys kinda hate themselves, and by saying that the problem is them, it only makes it worse. Instead, look at the trauma. I believe nice guy syndrome is caused by feeling not worthy of love. Thus, overcompensating for love, by being nice. Nice guys need to LOVE THEMSELVES MORE. That's how they respect themselves. That's how they can stop their people pleasing, and just be cool with THEMSELVES. To all nice guys, stop hating yourself, and what you've become! Look at the positive aspects in your life. And then slowly address your weaknesses, and work on becoming more assertive, and putting yourself first, day-by-day.
Cheers mate, and yeah I cover causes etc in this longer piece ua-cam.com/video/KqS6xyXSdtw/v-deo.html
Needed to hear this after having a week to 2 week explosion at someone who i was blaming for all my frustration when really as you say it's me I'm angry at.
Great video.
I love that you have the humility and awareness to take responsibility for that mate. From there you can change how you deal with it in the future. I have another video about how people pleasers hurt their loved ones the most. Email me know if you're keen and Ill send you the vid dan@brojo.org
This is so raw, you seem to have such a good memory of who you once were which is really amazing. I never knew about that 50%, kinda scary, did you talk to many of those guys?
Yeah I worked with a few domestic murderers. Of course I didnt meet them until decades after the event. Nice Guy Syndrome is no joke, its a serious mental illness that can lead to the worst possible outcomes
@@brojoDan so they just snapped, I mean it is hard to know what really happened before it if they murdered their families, we only have to take the murderers' word on what happened
There's always a backstory. Like I said, the doco American Murder is a great representative example of the build up - a man with no spine slowly deteriorating over time
The truth is that i‘m afraid i‘ll lose my control over my Anger and kill someone. That‘s why i repress it.
This reason - the killing potential of your rage - is exactly why I made this video
Oh God. Elliott Roger is a prime example
Yup a pretty extreme example but classic nice guy rage. He's probably psychopathic as well
The last 5min is basically you trying to make us buy your shit by trying to convince us that we are at fault for our anger, and that you can offer us the solution lol.
The tragic irony here is that you're obviously angry and struggling to channel it in a way I could help you with, and yet you would never let someone like me help you because your anger would resist me (like it already is). I hope you find something else that gets through your wall. I suggest looking into Stoicism
@@brojoDan i do martial arts and i have my psychiatrist but thank you.
You‘re wrong. the reason for the anger/rage is an old experience where you had to supress your anger to survive. So facing your repressed anger is like facing death.
The reason for the anger is not „resentment at yourself for not being who you should be“ like you said.
My approach seems to work effectively with my clients and I'm professionally trained in anger management techniques, so until I see counter evidence I'm going to assume I'm not wrong on this issue. Put it this way: you're obviously still struggling with your anger and Im not (neither are my clients) despite starting with the same level of rage you're experiencing. Maybe my approach is more effective than yours and despite seeming wrong to you it actually works
Nice guys are pick me boys who only adopt a nice persona because some modern woman asked where are all the nice guys.
While a few nice guys are like this, ie a short term adoption of nice guy traits to please women, most nice guys actually have much deeper childhood trauma that drives them