What they fear the most is losing their ability to control others. They always want to be in control. They can only control themselves by controlling others and when they can’t they’ll go out of control. Think of a child being hooked on a video game and then all of a sudden you pull the plug while they’re playing. Narcissists are more codependent than a codependent. They depend on their supply for validation and to regulate their emotions.
I think their greater fear is simply being alone. Having no-one. No-one to admire them. No-one to ridicule. No-one to smirk at or give silent treatment to. No-one but their own reflection. Basically having no supply period!!!
Being alone also means feeling dead, which I think is one of their biggest fears, the fear of death. They need others to feel alive and only through others they can feel "their power". Wishing you a warm & peaceful weekend, Amanda❣ ☀️🕊🤗
@roxymovie3938 Spot on Roxy 👍 I've noticed that narcissistic people get very agitated when left alone for any period of time! Your warm and happy wishes for the weekend are gratefully received and reciprocated. ✨️🌻💛🙏💛🌻✨️
Not only can’t they handle the word, “ NO” , they then can go quietly postal about it, plotting their retaliation, because you dared to tell them, “ NO”. 😉
The narcissist thinks they have to be perfect and the best, and because they aren't, they fake it and blame you for their problems. Then they feel superior.
Yes that's exactly correct. The narcissist creates an emotional wasteland, stands on a pile of rubble, looks down at everyone who can't breathe because the narcissist sucked all the air out of the room, and declares themselves the winner, accusing everyone else of being jealous of them.
@@danielkaiser8971 😆 true. Except for the few admirers who keep up their sympathy for how the poor narcissist suffered (and keep punishing the scapegoat).
Never in my entire 50 years have I encountered a person that is so prone to anger I have never encountered a spirit that cannot be conquered with gifts loyalty kindness understanding any of that this has to be some sort of a spiritual warfare.
Most people, probably all, have suffered significant disappointments in their lives. I won't give the narcissist a pass for that. They choose to hurt others in response. There are plenty of others who choose not to do that.
12 months in I had a lightbulb moment when I realised ‘if he talks about his family so poorly what is he saying about me’ ? He actually said his parents and siblings were ‘fat, uneducated, badly dressed, and very low class’. We didn’t last long after that. 7 years total no contact so far….couldn’t be happier.
@@greengrace21 agree with that too. I’ve been to psychologists who have been abusive. I reported one I was seeing in the past who abused me in the session. She lost absolute control after she found out I reported her. I’ve lost trust in therapists. I was married to a narcissist and dated another and I can say neither of them trust anyone. Narcissists from my own experience don’t trust others. They hide behind a mask in fear. Victims as myself are open to therapy as I have no mask to hide behind but will you rarely see a narcissist go to therapy because they have this mask they continue to hide behind.
@@greengrace21 Yes, and the difference is, those who are abused are capable of learning how and when to trust again as they heal over time. Narcissists do not have this same capacity for trust or healing, so they stay that way pretty much throughout life.
I am shocked at the amount of so-called adults unwilling to admit they're wrong, even in the light of evidence. I like to be wrong, it means I've learned something. Pride is the original, and most destructive sin.
Narcissist ultimate fear that even false self can not protect from is that they know are empty and what is awaiting them, that they can never experience life and above all love like it’s meant to be.
My mother literally believed she was royalty. Like that could possibly mean anything good - in America. Historically royalty were just the biggest shouters, bullies and could put together the biggest army (enablers). NOthing there to admire. My mother was obviously descended from a bunch of Narcissists.
@@philcarr7015In my 20's I was a caregiver and knew before my narc parents couldn't fully take care of themselves that I'd go first. I couldn't handle doing their personal cares. They were toxic from childhood and will still be today. When they do pass I feel sorry for the coroner
@marilynschmidt6400 My dad was OK. Every time I'd visit.he would greet me with a hug. I wish he was the one that I was taking care of instead of my mom, but he passed first. I kinda knew my mom wasn't right as a kid, but I didn't know what was wrong. Now I know for sure, but it's too late.
@@philcarr7015 I knew both my parents weren't right mentally as a child but couldn't explain it to anybody being so young. Both my toxic parents were neglected and abused during their childhoods. My siblings (2 now narc's) and I grew up amongst their parties, domestic violence, father being unfaithful and me getting blamed for everything. They've been separated for 14 years and as a grandmother I believe my mother was sexually abused by her father. They were alcoholics and so is she. Her family died when she was young so she lives in denial about everything to block it all out. She's just a shell of a person with no heart. My father is worse. You're so lucky to have had a relationship with at least one of your parents and wish you well on your healing journey. Take care of yourself ❤️
They also talk.... a lot. And if you stay listening long enough, those words will become weaponized against you. I feel stalked and on alert for traps everyday.
I think Gus deserves a puppy treat! I don't know why I love watching pets eat. They just seem so happy. My cat looks at me and licks his chops every time he is done eating. Then he licks his paw and wipes it on his ear, at least five times in a row. Maybe that's why his ear smells like cat food. 🤣😂🤣
My mother made Thanksgiving dinner. She deliberately made sure it wasn’t ready until my son was walking out the door to go to work. The great meal keeps her good mask on but the shenanigans continue and no one better point them out. This treatment towards him is ongoing because I am the scapegoat. She literally said, “You are not attached at the hip! He will be fine!” No mother, I am not being too sensitive. You are too insulting! Guard you heart ❤️
Hurt people will hurt people. A narcissist is a broken vessel filled with shame, guilt and negative emotions. Only if they knew,, Love covers a multitude of sins.
@@dct1238have to agree. I was 19 when I made the painful and hard decision to chose healing over vengeance and blind destructive behavior. My father is in his 50’s and still chooses to hide behind his excuses and try to justify himself. That’s pussy shit and it’s cowardice to not own up but then expect others to have compassion on you while being abusive but then not care how anyone else feels. On paper, what the op says is true, but nobody gets better by being placated. Sometimes love means giving someone a reality check because to not do so would be to allow them to keep hurting themselves and others. Love looks like calling a liar out on the bs to spare those an immature and foolish person would want to deceive. Love looks like standing up to someone who is hiding behind pretentious good deeds because you know they need to be rebuked for their own sake and the sake of others they are hurting behind closed doors. “Love” is not pretty. It always brings good, and it always is just and fair, and it always encourages peace and safety and harmony and healthy relationships, but sometimes “love” means rebuking someone who is, like you said, choosing to hide behind their pain, which is just playing the victim and hurting others in the process which is pussy shit. Love doesn’t mean placating villains, it means standing up to them, even if the villain is ourself.
They honestly seem afraid of being wrong. The worst narcs I've dealt with personally all seem to have oppositional defiant disorder as their main issue. They have to be right no matter what, at all costs, and just the inkling that you may not acknowledge their right-ness triggers them to act very aggressively. They are obsessed with taking an opposite stance, too, which can make them appear very wishy-washy and indecisive which also makes them aggressive especially when you call them out on it. They are exhausting individuals!!
Your comment really hit the nail on the head. Everything turns into an argument with them. It could be the most basic discussion and if you have more knowledge on a topic, they cannot accept your thoughts. What’s fascinating is how quickly they flare up and the aggressive language comes through. They turn it personal with name calling and belittling just so that they can win and control you and the situation.
I don’t want to be a narcissist, so I will exercise/practice my ability to be humble, truly humble, and allow others to be comfortable in themselves around me.
Try to talk with a narcissist about the things that you perceived that triggered their rage or avoidance in the past. They won't be able to talk about that stuff calmly, and they'll never admit that those are sensitive areas. They'll want you to think that those are non-issues.
One thing I have noticed is that the narcissists in my life will not answer simple questions like "did you like that" as though they can't even share with me what they think about something. They refuse to share anything about themselves. One time I asked why they did this and their answer was because I would judge them and they couldn't trust me with that information. I think they are like this because when others share their honest opinions they will judge just like they think we would. Their family when they were growing up were highly competitive about everything, so they are that way and think we are too.
One important lesson from Dr. C. that I learned is that narcissists are very affraid of their own humanity. I am usually a very empathic person, but this person in my life just cut me at my knees every way she could. She would use events in my life against me, making fun about my divorce, my small house, my bad health... Everything. I was so confused I did not even see it af first. When she became physically harmful, I ended it right there. She never owned up to it and acts like it never happened. I understand it, because she would have needed to face up to all the other harm she did to me. She does not have the heart to do it and she's a hurt child in my eyes. I let go of this person and I feel so good now. I do not wish to repare the bond with someone that causes me harm. There are way better people out there.
oh yes, the Covert Narcissist is masked. oh yes, he is the overly nicest person there is at face. yet every relationship he has is based on lies! yes, he stabbed me in the back so deep he hit my heart and slit it open. but today I find it so ironic how everything said about him/the Narcissist fits him so very well. it's years too late today. but I do see today why I asked myself back then many times "why was he acting in the way he was".
Yes attracted to empathetic Christians! But just to use for their ego for a short while, before jealousy takes them over and the demonic spirit cannot cope with the other person of good quality, so attacks! Evil people♥️🙏
It must be so suffocating and tiresome to keep that mask on. Being free to express oneself and enjoy others' company is a breath of fresh air when we're not fending-off a narcissist's hostilities. Revealing our real selves is liberating.
The one thing I notice they all have in common, in my life at least, is addiction to Hollywood and entertainment. They live in a fantasy world 24/7 and their idols are all raging narcissists. I'm curious at just how much the amount of pop culture consumption contributes to narcissism.
Yes, narc thought he was Elvis cos everyone told him! Even bought sparkly Elvis costume to go with his masters ring jacket? Called himself voodoo sandford for a while!! Brian sandford went to church, but not a Christian bone in his body. Pretend one to the outside world, but purely demonic! Because he knew I had dated musicians in the past he told me he was learning the guitar! (He wasn't). 3 of us I discovered he was messing with, lying to each of us and game playing! All while portraying an upright persona to others.
My narc parent wrote me a critical, judgemental letter and then added an extra slip on which she absurdly wrote"you will not read this as you can't face yourself " - perhaps projection that she cannot face HERself. Fear.
This is one of the main point which calms me that I am not a narcissist. I don't have a mask, I openly talk about my weaknesses and fears to a point where people considers me not an alright person 😅. That of course bothers me, my parents told me not to do it, but I can't help myself, being real is one of the virtues I base my identity on.
24 yrs to a narc/addict. Many relapses,much therapy,AA, couples therapy etc. nothing ever gets through. We did have about 5 yrs of recovery. We did good things as a couple,lived life with gratitude. Two yrs ago he changed gym, got lots of adoration, decided to take steroids, began addicted to his looks. This time I observed & became educated. As he used social media for another addiction, I used it to educate myself. I knew this new relapse would be my last. Everything spoken in this video is accurate. 1-1-23 I confronted him & saw a fear & shame like no other. My New Year ,New Life began that day. I’m blessed to be out & grateful for my ongoing healing journey. With all honesty, I thank him for releasing me from a life that was not in any way mine to share with him. I was the light, he only darkness.
My former husband is a narcissist in public you would think he was an amazing human but behind closed doors he turned into a complete different person! It was amazing to see how quickly he could turn things on and off! Other people begin to treat me differently and I was confused why they seemed to be short with me and stopped inviting me to events. Later finding out he was lying to them about me and put me in a bad light and made me look like a bad guy and he as the hero! He was and is an alcoholic, he had affairs, manipulative and a huge liar! I could go on and on about the mental abuse and I went to counseling as long as I could and he stopped the health insurance so I couldn’t afford to go anymore. We have been divorced for 10 years and because we have grandchildren I still see him and I pretend to like him for the grandkids and sometimes it’s hard! My question is, does he know he’s a narcissist or does he really think he’s a good guy? If you met him you would think he’s awesome which makes him creepy to flip a switch like that!
My father is the same way, I think the punishment for his behavior will be always being alone and never feeling truly loved… As much as I want to pull his eyes out for everything he did to me and my family all my life, I know he will suffer either way, whether he chooses to heal or whether he continues to be destructive, I know the suffering of his past and the suffering that he endures because of his sins… everything they do is fake, but I know the real him, I know what he’s like underneath his Facebook façade… The best way to heal, as far as I’m concerned, it’s to find supportive relationships and friends and to enjoy your life.
Nobody's perfect; we've all done some regrettable things, but that doesn't change our worth. It doesn't ruin our chances for making amends and learning better ways. We don't have to lie about it or defend, but can admit it, forgive ourselves, and try to do better next time. Honest humility and integrity are very appealing. Extending grace to ourselves and to others is a peaceful way of life. But have good personal boundaries - forgiving doesn't mean tolerating abuse or condoning harmful behaviour. We can stay away from that.
It's dying. My narc mum's death was awful. She was so angry! How dare we all treat her like she's dying! She is special, she doesn't die like all the other lowly people in the world.
I’m just sick & tired of being alone in my marriage. I can’t speak a sentence without interruption, he now is the expert re: my family (but knows nothing about his own), he goes & spends weekends and vacations with his buds-not me. I get thrown under the bus at every turn and I’m exhausted.
Unfortunately, neither one of us are in God’s Holy Covenant of Marriage because our narc husbands haven’t ever fulfilled their vows. I’ve been stuck for 36 years. 🙏🙏
My mother wanted me to go to one of our relatives house with her in 2023 for Thanksgiving. I turned her down because the VERY last time for me was when we went to a friends house for Mother's Day and she did everything in her power to shine a bad light on me so the attention can be on her. When we got home I mentioned it to her and she tried to dimiss it by denying what she did, and act like it was all in fun, while I'm steaming mad on the inside. Now, I'm able to go back in my mind and remember how she would always tell people the good and the bad about me. The good because it highlights the good mother she wants people to see and the bad so she can get the sympathy playing the victim role and show me as the bad kid; scapegoat. Even with texting me it will turn from false encouragement to war of words from her end and competition. I simply don't reply anymore or say, "Have a wonderful day!...I go silent until days pass by and she reaches out to me with the pleasantries and asking me questions at the end of her text; always wanting something. Her supply with me has ran it's course. 🙏🏽🎯
To be seen for what they are behind their facade. And thus, strong, independent people who stand by their grounds and cannot be manipulated into thinking they are the best and not 'just a normal person'
they act like they have everything together in their world, confident and popular... nothing bothers them they have everything together, while you are the one with weaknesses, can anyone relate to this
@@Cod12Osc It's true. Everything bad they feel about themselves is either our fault or its the way we are feeling instead. Can be very confusing. But, they love confusion!
Yes 😂 basically they try to projecting and transference their chaotic inner self and internal confusion to others. That's the red flag when first time meet a person and suddenly my brain feel so confused when listening to them. The more i try to understand the more confused. RUN!!!!
My Nex could not stand even the thought of being ordinary. Being a nameless face in the crowd caused not just tension, but downright emotional outrage that would set her apart from all others.
Yep, any type of conflict shows their emotional maturity level. It sounds like she reverted directly back to being a infant in a temper tantrum, except she was in an adult body.
What she did was unacceptable, but I get not wanting to be ordinary. I felt like I might as well be dead if I were ordinary. There would be no point to me existing. I have since accepted being ordinary and give my best effort at my work.
It’s painful when you realise the mask is more important than you, and all you have together. The mask is everything to the narcissist, it represents all that is safe in the world. I feel sorry for them, unable to breathe properly for so long they forget what its like
If narcissists have advanced in their careers using these emotionally abusive approaches, they're never going to work on fixing themselves. In their minds they are a success by their behaviors. I've seen many egotistical narcissistic people advance in the technical business jobs in America. The most common things I saw for nearly 30 years in the American chemical industry is all narcissistic people were abusive, lying, and mistreating of employees below them. Especially if the employees showed skills the narcissistic professionals never perfected in their lives or while in college. Narcissistic people are also intimidated by other people's successes.
You are so right Doctor Carter, you can't force people to change; I've put off divorcing my narcissistic husband of 50 years agreeing to being only separated, but now I am going to go through with a divorce to be free of all the control and manipulation I've had to put up with.
There is no weakness, only perfection. There is no mask. It’s so shallow that the only thing left is malice because he knows deep down he’s not normal.
It’s really fun watching my ex narcissistic girlfriend go down a very predictable route. She is doing everything possible to enhance her appearance with surgeries including breast augmentation, face lifts, Botox, fillers and the constant selfies on her phone are ridiculous. These people need constant attention as they gather more in their fan club. She gets men to pay for these things and then she is off. They are insatiable and it’s a never ending internal battle. They can’t be fixed and nobody should ever try to. If you want to spend years trying to fix them then go for it but the end result will be the same as the beginning.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Women are expected to be naturally beautiful, young and social butterflies. There is little acceptance if we are not an idealized version of what a female should be. Just sayin' Doc.
Who expects this of us? Not everyone. Only narcs do, @@beachybird1251 but normal, healthy people don't. I don't know a single person who cares about all that now because I eliminated the shallow, narcs from my life and it feels WONDERFUL. ❤
@@myhalowithin ...Production and performance ??? EXACTLY CORRECT . I find that there is a continual movie going on in their head , we are characters in their grand production , but we don't have a script or a clue what the movie 🍿 is about . I also found that they seldom have an original 🤔💭 thought . They tend to quote movie lines or the lyrics to songs . 🤷🤷 They are pitiful creatures .
I worked together with a narc for about 5 rough years. His constant self-praise, and delegation of some of his tasks to me became too much for me. WE WERE WORKING TOGETHER FOR HIS SUCCESS. I was fortunately able to find another person and market to work with within our company. However, I THEN TOOK MY REVENGE ON HIM, BY DE-MASKING HIM. I created a fictional character who made fun of his beloved country, and of him indirectly. It was relatively harmless stuff, like sharing funny videos, BUT HE TOOK IT VERY PERSONALLY AND HE REACTED FEROCIOUSLY, like a two-year old child having a tantrum, and complaining to several colleagues about „This man ruining my image“. However, that backfired on him because everybody else in the department laughed at his reaction, and thanked me for holding the mirror in front of his de-masked face !!! 😜👍🏁
Im torn between the grief I feel over the tragedy of what these narcissists go through early in life to make them the way they are, vs the anger I feel at how controlling and manipulative and hurtful they are to me and my loved ones. I had a physically abusive Narc father and it’s awful the things he did to me. I don’t wish any human being pain or suffering, not even him, but he hurt my family so bad I want him to pay for what he did, but I know his pain will come in time and he will never have love and that seems fair to me. His fakery will come to an end eventually, and my best revenge is to live a happy and free life of him, and prove his fairytale of being mr loving father is totally ridiculous.
Fear leads to a life of depression if not faced… God hasn’t given us a spirit of fear…… Exposure… they fear exposure….. which would mean owning their stuff. I had one acquaintance call his mistake an experiment rather than a mistake . He could “own” it. Maintaining a facade is exhausting….. be real! Authenticity goes a long way. Thank you Dr C!
When I was 8, I demanded dad stop watching football and take my mom to the hospital fir her great pain. If he didn't. I would call 911. Incidently. It did save moms life. That made him madder, I bet. I am.pretty sure that's the start of me being scapgoated at every turn.
You explained my entire life story and gave me valuable insight into the way I act and how it affects others. A person stonewalled me and it triggered a chain reaction into digging deep within myself and correcting my behavior. Unfortunately, some habits die hard, but I have been making progress.
I understand that they’ve had some criticism, but I feel that the antagonist to them is Their Own criticism towards others. When you slam others down because you want to Win Win Win!!!!!!!!!! that’s on them. And I feel they’ve been like that since children as well. They want admiration but loath others. Instead of them being a decent person and that way get their dignity, they stomp on anyone with qualities. Like you are going to never amount to anything if it’s up to them. And they will Never give you the credits, and steal your work. F them.
I'm back on blocking the narcissist's phone number so I wont (a) be reminded of his ignoring me and (b) the temtation to tell him what a despicable human being and father he is. It's painful, nil to no contact is what I prefer. To protect my emotions. He doesn't care that I even exist: his loss!
The greatest fear of a narcissist IS, “the child they boxed, locked and left behind!”. . . 49 years, washed in many tears has taught me much about their greatest fears . . . Thanks Doc! You are a Saint! Peace.
Dr Carter, I just had one of those light bulb moments! You've spoken about fear before and how that effects our relationships with ourselves and others. It just dawned on me that when we are coming from a place of love and we are in a relationship (partner, family member or friend) we're speaking with a desire for connection, but what they are experiencing is sifted through fear. That's why I often times feel isolated in the relationship, a feeling of disconnection. This really made sense to me! thank you so much!!!
I had a 7 year relationship with a narcissistic actor who was a closeted gay, pretending to be straight. He gave me two STDs and then accused me of cheating on him. He was terrified that people would find out that he was gay and did everything to look straight, including having sex with hundreds of women, photographing them nude or semi nude, putting the pictures into a photo album and then showing the album to his mother! I assume she figured he was gay decades ago and he's still trying to prove he's not.
@@MJ-qb5ph The original comment doesn't sound at all like a typical gay man who is afraid of being discovered. A typical gay man would probably be avoidant of the subject matter, possibly lying about being with women if it came down to losing something like his livelihood. Or maybe a typical gay man would try to keep his personal life private. What the original comment describes sounds like a man so completely and totally enmeshed with his mother that neither knew where one ended and the other began. Gay men do not typically show explicit photographs they have taken to their own mother, it's beyond creepy and apparently she allowed it. The man in question apparently had no regard for the humanity of the women he was using, he transmitted diseases, and he used women as sexual props, complete with photographs, all to maintain a false image. This dehumanization and false image is typical of narcissism, but not typical of the average gay man afraid of being discovered. It takes a very special kind of sick to do what this man has done, so I would bet there was far more than just "narcissism" going on. And I am guessing his mother was at the center of everything, his universe, from his perspective.
Dr. Carter, thank you so much for all you do for this community. The holidays don’t bring out the best in everyone, so I have been watching quite a few of your videos this weekend. I marvel at the hours and hours of your time you give to us. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
One of my single greatest fears is the narcissist taking off the mask. You haven't met my narc mother. If she took that mask off all you would experience is the darkness of a pure demonic personality. Imagine all that hatred right there on the surface with nonstop filthy mouth. She referred to a gym as a "Meat locker" and called her first ex husband a "Pedophile" as his first name for years after their divorce. How do you think you would feel if the second you call your mother she says "How's the pedophile?" in reference to your father? When it comes to her taking off the mask I'm thinking 'Please keep on the mask and leave me the hell alone' which is why I'm in no contact with that psychopath.
I'm going to say something that might contradict what he's going to say. What I have seen that a narcissist fees most and HATES most is a more powerful narcissist who manipulates HIM/HER like he/she manipulates others.
Like all addictions, narcissism demands that the supply be the narcissist’s lord and master above all else. So the “tenderness & vulnerability” Dr. C. refers to - normally a good sign a real relationship is forming - is simply marked as fuel for current or future use. Period. “Core dignity” - I love that! That’s the ticket out of harm’s way.
Where ever I go I come back to Dr.Carters knowledge.Sir I don’t think anyone is as clear and as knowledgable as you are thank you for all the information you provide.I hope your sweet little dog is also doing good and well as I see he loves the relaxing sleep while taking in all the lessons.😀
Overcompensation to avoid fear based understanding (of not only error but also the results...)AVOIDANCE , hypocricy, lieing ,bullying ,jealousy which renders into envy. Not much light here. Also very empty. ' Self will run riot'..addiction..violence. Think i will try a better approach to life. Very helpful , sir.
They are so afraid to be left alone and not controlling others. Having survived a malignant and covert=same results. Coverts can have redeeming values but it’s for them. Malignant’s are cancer plain and simple
Dear Dr. C, thanks a lot for another great video. I’ve been watching your videos for over 2 years and you’ve been helping me enormously to understand this condition, how to deal with people who behave this way and how to become a better person. Keep it up with the great work. You’re leaving a very important legacy.
My daughter and I have been estranged for 25 years. Because: she doesn't want to "get real", shirks all communication where she would have to accept responsibility and be accountable for past behavior, decisions, offer up some answers, provide her family closure. She has resorted to threats when invited to communicate, taken Mom on road Rages, and prefers to never see her mom again before she will ever take off her mask, engage in a heart to heart communication, and admit that perhaps she was wrong in hurting mom. I did what I did at the time because...and explain. There's no growth. Everyone who ever loved her, ever cared about her has walked away from her, including her husband recently. The new man in her life has informed her that he's not "afraid" of her Mother. So she conditions the people she meets by doing a smear campaign on mom. That's how she gets by rationalizing why she has no contact with her family. Very frustrating for sure.
When I was a kid, I learned that even at night, the moon's light filled the sky. And when the moon was dark, I noticed the light from hundreds of stars. Even in the darkest, most hidden and distant places of the universe, may you find this promise that light is everywhere for you to find.
They’re extremely impatient too, I’m assuming that’s the constant irritability. Before I went through years of solo therapy on relations with family dynamic I was very edgy and easy to irritate too
I was just having a conversation with my narcissist father, my normal sister was present and my sister and I walk away feeling and thinking the exact same thing. He tried to talk to us about God and we both knew it would be a weak conversation. He is no Biblical scholar and that is okay. But throughout it, we were civil but he tries everything he can to CONTROL the narrative and tone of every part of it. They only want to hear themselves. Yes, assumed hostility! Exactly!
My ex husband of 41 years was a clinician who every morning put on his white coat and said to his staff, “It’s show time.” I do not know this man except to say living with him was crazy-making and the last 10 years as a single have been pure freedom. He ruined my children and almost killed me. I feel sorry for him.
I told my narcissistic boyfriend who always tried to control me, and I lit into his ass and said that you don't control me and I control myself. I told him you need to check yourself!
Truly Spot on! Bullseye! 101% true that the Narcissist fear the most is losing control of significant others in their life. Their ability of having sort of control in their lives is having a control on others. I saw this when my eldest daughter of two has declared absolute independence from her control when she got married and it turns her tupsy turvy! Now she calms down a little bit and the control and anger shifts to me and to our youngest daughter. K
I'm happy to have seen this video today because I was pondering this very thing about my parents. My mother is very avoidant to admit what happened to her in her childhood. She is desperate to keep that mask up at all costs, and I genuinely think she believes that the abuse that happened to her was her fault. She's never been in therapy, probably because she's afraid to talk about her past, even with me her daughter, and she assumes people are going to look at her differently and dislike her. I see the true her and I dislike her, but I am sympathetic because I know only a little bit of what she went through. IT WAS A SAD LIFE. How could I not be empathetic? I know what she wants when she has her angry outbursts. She wants someone to see her and be sympathetic. I would do that, but she makes it damn near impossible because she's raging so much and going into defensive mode. She won't LET anyone be sympathetic, but that's what she wants the most. It's what she never got growing up in the chaos. While I've been in counseling, the best moments are when my counselor says something to the extent of "It wasn't your fault." "It had nothing to do with you." "You aren't a bad person because someone did that to you." "You aren't defined by what people think of you." Affirmations like that my mother needs to hear, but she can't let that mask slip at all, can't get rid of this wall of fake pride she has. It's mindblowing. She wants to be seen, and I am willing to see her, but be vulnerable? Ohhh no. Never. She chooses to destroy instead. Then I was thinking about my father. He is one of those people who cannot tolerate differing opinions. I've come to the conclusion that he actually *is* in competition with me. Every single time I open my mouth, he immediately cuts me down and disagrees. It's the strangest thing. "I don't believe that." "That's just your opinion." Well, it might be my opinion, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. It's simply not HIS opinion. He always, and I do mean ALWAYS, has to be right. It's as though he goes out of his way to ensure we can't agree on anything so we must disagree in order for him to be justified in his opinion of me that I'm...awful. I can't imagine being that insecure, that everyone has to LINE UP WITH ME OR YOU'RE OUT. I don't think he's like this with other people, just me. He also throws around his age that he's smarter than I am. Because he's older. Because he has "more experience." Yet he is stuck in the past, always reliving the hurts and never letting them go. They are right there in the forefront of his mind. I've heard the same stories over and over and over and over and over and over again, and he is the victim. The biggest thing I've learned is that neither of my parents see me as an individual with my own thoughts, feelings, and ideas. I'm not "the child." I am my own person. I'm not an extension of my mother. I'm not competing with my father. For my peace and security, I am choosing the no contact option when I finally get my life in order and can do it. I've tried. I've done enough. I'm finished. Thank you, Dr. C! I hope you and your family have a fantastic holiday season.
You seem to have an excellent grasp on your situation with your parents, and in many ways you remind me of myself when I was younger. Even if you don't have the encouragement from your parents, you seem to have developed a very level head with a clear and healthy plan to move forward in your life. I did something similar when it was time for me to move out from my parents, and it was truly the best thing I ever did in my entire life. Like you, I was able to see my own parents for who they were, even though they did not return the favor. In many ways I had to raise myself through the examples I found away from home (like at school, out in public, or on TV). I'm just speaking my mind out loud here, but I must say how wonderful and refreshing it is to read how so very far you have come, and I don't even know you or anything else about you besides what you've written. I wish you all the very best in healing and peace as you move forward in life, and I hope to see you from time to time here in the comments. I hope you're having a wonderful day.
My heart goes out to you. I like how you explained everything so clearly. The ending is my favorite. You accept things for what they are and you are looking at your future. Peace and security to you ❤️
Spacegirl you told my story. With great thought and correct punctuation. I hope the best for you is near. I grew up normalizing that same behavior and excepting it because other household members were a chip off the old blocks. I didn't see it until looking back at most of the people I considered friends were just like my selfish family. I was friends with most of them because I was codependent to them too. I became a great coworker and team player but until now I didn't realize why I was always on the best teams and the last crew member to be laid off. Wishing you well!!!! Now you know. You normalized abnormal behavior in a very normal dysfunctional family.
@@danielkaiser8971 Thank you for your kind words. These last few years coming to terms with everything after my divorce have been unbelievably difficult, but necessary! I've got all the ins and outs of the narcissistic behavior down, but the part where I'm breaking habits and changing things for me is very slow going. It's been decades of this crap. But at least I'm doing it. I don't want to end up like my parents, chewing people up and spitting them out and making endless excuses. All my life has been cleaning up someone else's mess while nobody, like you said, bothered to return the favor. Not doing it anymore. Today I spent some time at my longtime friend's house celebrating Thanksgiving with her family. My holidays were always fraught with tension because my mother would lose her shit and meltdown. Every year, terrorized and held hostage by her moods. I made the decision that I'm not putting up with it for another second longer, that I will for the first time in my life ENJOY the holidays. I think I'm on a power trip now! lolololol Thank you again for your reply. I hope you have a pleasant holiday season.
Thank you Doctor C and Team Healthy. The mask suffocates us, that's exactly how it is. It suffocates the possibility of seeing ourselves, accepting ourselves and improving what we can improve. The mask scares me a lot. If we don't have a real image of ourselves we risk even being violent towards ourselves and others, when we feel that our mask is threatened. I wish all of us the strength to know and accept ourselves, with the hope of improving, too.
Goodness. As you described that thinking, I flashed back to specific instances of that happening in our home. I gave up trying to suggest a more 😅constructive approach because his responses were so convoluted that you'd think he was speaking a different language. I can't recall any times during 31 years that he actually laughed or even broke out in a warm smile, either. Bizzare.
I finally went no contact with my son and daughter in law. She has convinced him that I want to break up their marriage, even though I did everything to make sure she had a nice wedding because her Mom wouldn't. But after 20 years of walking on egg shells and always doing something wrong...I just can't anymore. But I would like to ask them exactly what I would get out of breaking up their marriage. For heavens sake!! Would I really want a 40 something year old man hanging around for me to take care of??
Thank you. Your videos continue to help me advance in recognizing my husband's narcissistic defenses, and in developing my own self-confidence and resistance to the ill effects of his behaviors. Today, your reminder about his paranoia caused me to glimpse how his paranoia negatively impacts how I see myself. Yesterday, I was able to see how he deflected responsibility to me (when talking to someone on the phone), so the other person wouldn't be angry with him. The paranoia, I might be able to help him with. The fear of other people's anger-- I'm not sure about. But, your videos have helped my personal well-being a great deal. I'm much better off than 6 or 8 months ago. Unlike many others in the group, I don't believe all narcissists are a lost cause. However, I do know that in the short-term, if you aren't prepared for what they are, interaction with them can be quite damaging. I chalk a lot of my husband's improvement to the men's Bible study he has been attending for about 8 years now. The leadership of the group has remained quite stable over that time and they have treated him with respect, support and encouragement. I believe the trigger for my husband's narcissism was his father; and, the continuous male reinforcement has helped to greatly reduce his more outlandish outbursts and given me some maneuvering room. Thank you, Dr. C.
Shame & the projection driven response seems automatic almost at a subconscious level 👩 I was always amazed at how quickly the narc could turn his shame into a nasty comment directed at me & it’s always verbatim what he really thought of himself 🤦♀️ My favorite was calling me an a&$hole when he thought his birthday present came from the hotel management 🤷♀️ even though I had hid it in the luggage on his special trip to Key Largo
Regarding a narc boss within the workplace...it's very easy for them to avoid tasks/projects that they don't understand @ the risk of exposure. It makes for a perfect storm. They simply farm them out under the guise of "this is part of your job function" as they pepper it w/demands, fear, & threats. And, should their hire ups become dissatisfied w/the results...the narc boss simply throws their employee under the bus who they farmed it out to.
What they fear the most is losing their ability to control others. They always want to be in control. They can only control themselves by controlling others and when they can’t they’ll go out of control. Think of a child being hooked on a video game and then all of a sudden you pull the plug while they’re playing. Narcissists are more codependent than a codependent. They depend on their supply for validation and to regulate their emotions.
True
I was easily controlled when I was beat down into a people pleaser by my parents. But never really. I was the rebel scapegoat.😊
@@texasrefugee7888 hooray!
This guy is good. DIRECT yet benign in delivery....its a gift 🙏
true! Cousin WINNIE has never- in years- stopped HOUNDING ME; demanding response... well; she is a Back-stabber(bye)
I think their greater fear is simply being alone. Having no-one.
No-one to admire them.
No-one to ridicule.
No-one to smirk at or give silent treatment to.
No-one but their own reflection.
Basically having no supply period!!!
Being alone also means feeling dead, which I think is one of their biggest fears, the fear of death. They need others to feel alive and only through others they can feel "their power".
Wishing you a warm & peaceful weekend, Amanda❣
☀️🕊🤗
@roxymovie3938 Spot on Roxy 👍 I've noticed that narcissistic people get very agitated when left alone for any period of time!
Your warm and happy wishes for the weekend are gratefully received and reciprocated. ✨️🌻💛🙏💛🌻✨️
@@amandaliverpool3374 Yes, agitated is very true - my mother is the best example for what you mentioned 😏
Thank you for your lovely wishes 🥰
@@roxymovie3938 🫂🥰
No one to dominate imho.
One word the narcissist can't handle: "NO"
Not only can’t they handle the word, “ NO” , they then can go quietly postal about it, plotting their retaliation, because you dared to tell them, “ NO”. 😉
@@NatalieG427 the narc can say NO but, if you say NO it shuts them down!
The narcissist thinks they have to be perfect and the best, and because they aren't, they fake it and blame you for their problems. Then they feel superior.
Yes that's exactly correct. The narcissist creates an emotional wasteland, stands on a pile of rubble, looks down at everyone who can't breathe because the narcissist sucked all the air out of the room, and declares themselves the winner, accusing everyone else of being jealous of them.
@@danielkaiser8971 😆 true. Except for the few admirers who keep up their sympathy for how the poor narcissist suffered (and keep punishing the scapegoat).
I think they are afraid of being nobody. 😦
Agreed. Probably why they get worse as they age.
@@eternalshitbreak9649
I hear you and l feel the same way after waking up.
👍🏻
The narcissist is afraid of being treated the way he treats others!
EXACTLY!!!
I knew 1 that told me he "didn't care if he had FAKE FRIENDS"!!! IMAGINE THAT!! 😂😂😂 I could not believe he actually said it..
Never in my entire 50 years have I encountered a person that is so prone to anger I have never encountered a spirit that cannot be conquered with gifts loyalty kindness understanding any of that this has to be some sort of a spiritual warfare.
It is.
Most people, probably all, have suffered significant disappointments in their lives. I won't give the narcissist a pass for that. They choose to hurt others in response. There are plenty of others who choose not to do that.
It is their chosen response to what they experienced
💯
12 months in I had a lightbulb moment when I realised ‘if he talks about his family so poorly what is he saying about me’ ? He actually said his parents and siblings were ‘fat, uneducated, badly dressed, and very low class’. We didn’t last long after that. 7 years total no contact so far….couldn’t be happier.
I think the narcissist's biggest fear is being left alone with no one to control or manipulate or no source of supply.
They're greatest fear is being exposed to their shame.
They definitely don’t trust anyone.
@@greengrace21 agree with that too. I’ve been to psychologists who have been abusive. I reported one I was seeing in the past who abused me in the session. She lost absolute control after she found out I reported her. I’ve lost trust in therapists. I was married to a narcissist and dated another and I can say neither of them trust anyone. Narcissists from my own experience don’t trust others. They hide behind a mask in fear. Victims as myself are open to therapy as I have no mask to hide behind but will you rarely see a narcissist go to therapy because they have this mask they continue to hide behind.
@@greengrace21 Yes, and the difference is, those who are abused are capable of learning how and when to trust again as they heal over time. Narcissists do not have this same capacity for trust or healing, so they stay that way pretty much throughout life.
@@danielkaiser8971 totally agree 😊
They fear being ignored.
Yes indeed, they do fear being ignored. And another way of putting it is that they also fear being "irrelevant".
Yes!
Usually wen you understand the truth it becomes easier to accept
I am shocked at the amount of so-called adults unwilling to admit they're wrong, even in the light of evidence. I like to be wrong, it means I've learned something. Pride is the original, and most destructive sin.
You make a lot of sense!!
💯🎯💯
Narcissist ultimate fear that even false self can not protect from is that they know are empty and what is awaiting them, that they can never experience life and above all love like it’s meant to be.
You're white hot, Fred!!
@SurvivingNarcissism so narcissist don't love at ALL??
My mom is the queen of narcissists. My dad always described her as a street angel and the house devil … I think that’s perfect.
My mother literally believed she was royalty. Like that could possibly mean anything good - in America.
Historically royalty were just the biggest shouters, bullies and could put together the biggest army (enablers). NOthing there to admire. My mother was obviously descended from a bunch of Narcissists.
That describes my mom to a tee. Unfortunately, I'm stuck having to take care of her.
@@philcarr7015In my 20's I was a caregiver and knew before my narc parents couldn't fully take care of themselves that I'd go first. I couldn't handle doing their personal cares. They were toxic from childhood and will still be today. When they do pass I feel sorry for the coroner
@marilynschmidt6400 My dad was OK. Every time I'd visit.he would greet me with a hug. I wish he was the one that I was taking care of instead of my mom, but he passed first. I kinda knew my mom wasn't right as a kid, but I didn't know what was wrong. Now I know for sure, but it's too late.
@@philcarr7015 I knew both my parents weren't right mentally as a child but couldn't explain it to anybody being so young. Both my toxic parents were neglected and abused during their childhoods. My siblings (2 now narc's) and I grew up amongst their parties, domestic violence, father being unfaithful and me getting blamed for everything. They've been separated for 14 years and as a grandmother I believe my mother was sexually abused by her father. They were alcoholics and so is she. Her family died when she was young so she lives in denial about everything to block it all out. She's just a shell of a person with no heart. My father is worse. You're so lucky to have had a relationship with at least one of your parents and wish you well on your healing journey. Take care of yourself ❤️
They also talk.... a lot. And if you stay listening long enough, those words will become weaponized against you. I feel stalked and on alert for traps everyday.
Gus is so beautiful, Gus has blue medal, blue is the colour of honesty so I heard.
Honest Gus!!
I think Gus deserves a puppy treat! I don't know why I love watching pets eat. They just seem so happy. My cat looks at me and licks his chops every time he is done eating. Then he licks his paw and wipes it on his ear, at least five times in a row. Maybe that's why his ear smells like cat food. 🤣😂🤣
My mother made Thanksgiving dinner. She deliberately made sure it wasn’t ready until my son was walking out the door to go to work. The great meal keeps her good mask on but the shenanigans continue and no one better point them out. This treatment towards him is ongoing because I am the scapegoat. She literally said, “You are not attached at the hip! He will be fine!” No mother, I am not being too sensitive. You are too insulting!
Guard you heart ❤️
Wow! Am I right in thinking she is the wolf disguised as a granny 😮
@@amandaliverpool3374 That is so accurate! 🐺 Thank you for that example. It’s on point! 🎯
@tbunnyshy l 🎯 I get that!
@@tbunnyshy1 I wish I wasn't. How awful for you and your son 😢 💔
Hurt people will hurt people. A narcissist is a broken vessel filled with shame, guilt and negative emotions. Only if they knew,, Love covers a multitude of sins.
theyare demon possessed 4 yr olds
Narcs are completely incapable of love.
That's BS. They choose to be evil. I'm hurt, but don't hurt people.
@@dct1238have to agree. I was 19 when I made the painful and hard decision to chose healing over vengeance and blind destructive behavior. My father is in his 50’s and still chooses to hide behind his excuses and try to justify himself. That’s pussy shit and it’s cowardice to not own up but then expect others to have compassion on you while being abusive but then not care how anyone else feels.
On paper, what the op says is true, but nobody gets better by being placated. Sometimes love means giving someone a reality check because to not do so would be to allow them to keep hurting themselves and others. Love looks like calling a liar out on the bs to spare those an immature and foolish person would want to deceive. Love looks like standing up to someone who is hiding behind pretentious good deeds because you know they need to be rebuked for their own sake and the sake of others they are hurting behind closed doors.
“Love” is not pretty. It always brings good, and it always is just and fair, and it always encourages peace and safety and harmony and healthy relationships, but sometimes “love” means rebuking someone who is, like you said, choosing to hide behind their pain, which is just playing the victim and hurting others in the process which is pussy shit.
Love doesn’t mean placating villains, it means standing up to them, even if the villain is ourself.
And perfect love casts out fear!
They honestly seem afraid of being wrong. The worst narcs I've dealt with personally all seem to have oppositional defiant disorder as their main issue. They have to be right no matter what, at all costs, and just the inkling that you may not acknowledge their right-ness triggers them to act very aggressively. They are obsessed with taking an opposite stance, too, which can make them appear very wishy-washy and indecisive which also makes them aggressive especially when you call them out on it. They are exhausting individuals!!
Yes they are! I've aged 10 years in the last 3
I call them Right Fighters. My narcissistic mother was like this, but I didn't know just how deep the pathology went.
Your comment really hit the nail on the head. Everything turns into an argument with them. It could be the most basic discussion and if you have more knowledge on a topic, they cannot accept your thoughts. What’s fascinating is how quickly they flare up and the aggressive language comes through. They turn it personal with name calling and belittling just so that they can win and control you and the situation.
I don’t want to be a narcissist, so I will exercise/practice my ability to be humble, truly humble, and allow others to be comfortable in themselves around me.
@karreevaughan4674 sorry.
Adorable Guss. So calm and sleepy.
Just imagine a bunch of people (non-narcissists) being stuck in a boat in the middle of the ocean with a narcissist. Aaaghh!
Try to talk with a narcissist about the things that you perceived that triggered their rage or avoidance in the past. They won't be able to talk about that stuff calmly, and they'll never admit that those are sensitive areas. They'll want you to think that those are non-issues.
One thing I have noticed is that the narcissists in my life will not answer simple questions like "did you like that" as though they can't even share with me what they think about something. They refuse to share anything about themselves. One time I asked why they did this and their answer was because I would judge them and they couldn't trust me with that information. I think they are like this because when others share their honest opinions they will judge just like they think we would. Their family when they were growing up were highly competitive about everything, so they are that way and think we are too.
🎯 They believe everybody thinks and acts like they do.
One important lesson from Dr. C. that I learned is that narcissists are very affraid of their own humanity. I am usually a very empathic person, but this person in my life just cut me at my knees every way she could. She would use events in my life against me, making fun about my divorce, my small house, my bad health... Everything. I was so confused I did not even see it af first. When she became physically harmful, I ended it right there. She never owned up to it and acts like it never happened. I understand it, because she would have needed to face up to all the other harm she did to me. She does not have the heart to do it and she's a hurt child in my eyes. I let go of this person and I feel so good now. I do not wish to repare the bond with someone that causes me harm. There are way better people out there.
I am experiencing the same treatment. I am going to start taking steps to leave her. It is evil life I have never seen!
oh yes, the Covert Narcissist is masked.
oh yes, he is the overly nicest person there is at face. yet every relationship he has is based on lies!
yes, he stabbed me in the back so deep he hit my heart and slit it open. but today I find it so ironic how everything said about him/the Narcissist fits him so very well.
it's years too late today. but I do see today why I asked myself back then many times "why was he acting in the way he was".
They are super fake! They resent real people but also are attracted to them.
Yes attracted to empathetic Christians! But just to use for their ego for a short while, before jealousy takes them over and the demonic spirit cannot cope with the other person of good quality, so attacks! Evil people♥️🙏
@@angelablaney4575 I think you are right!
It must be so suffocating and tiresome to keep that mask on. Being free to express oneself and enjoy others' company is a breath of fresh air when we're not fending-off a narcissist's hostilities. Revealing our real selves is liberating.
True !
EXPOSURE
Agreed.
The one thing I notice they all have in common, in my life at least, is addiction to Hollywood and entertainment. They live in a fantasy world 24/7 and their idols are all raging narcissists. I'm curious at just how much the amount of pop culture consumption contributes to narcissism.
🤔 Maybe most, but not all. I can think of a couple that could watch movies on occasion, but they weren’t what’s considered Hollywood/movie buffs.
Yes, narc thought he was Elvis cos everyone told him! Even bought sparkly Elvis costume to go with his masters ring jacket? Called himself voodoo sandford for a while!! Brian sandford went to church, but not a Christian bone in his body. Pretend one to the outside world, but purely demonic! Because he knew I had dated musicians in the past he told me he was learning the guitar! (He wasn't). 3 of us I discovered he was messing with, lying to each of us and game playing! All while portraying an upright persona to others.
My narc parent wrote me a critical, judgemental letter and then added an extra slip on which she absurdly wrote"you will not read this as you can't face yourself " - perhaps projection that she cannot face HERself. Fear.
This is one of the main point which calms me that I am not a narcissist. I don't have a mask, I openly talk about my weaknesses and fears to a point where people considers me not an alright person 😅. That of course bothers me, my parents told me not to do it, but I can't help myself, being real is one of the virtues I base my identity on.
24 yrs to a narc/addict. Many relapses,much therapy,AA, couples therapy etc. nothing ever gets through. We did have about 5 yrs of recovery.
We did good things as a couple,lived life with gratitude. Two yrs ago he changed gym, got lots of adoration, decided to take steroids, began addicted to
his looks. This time I observed & became educated. As he used social media for another addiction, I used it to educate myself.
I knew this new relapse would be my last. Everything spoken in this video is accurate. 1-1-23 I confronted him & saw a fear & shame like no other.
My New Year ,New Life began that day. I’m blessed to be out & grateful for my ongoing healing journey. With all honesty, I thank him for releasing me from
a life that was not in any way mine to share with him. I was the light, he only darkness.
Thanks so much for sharing your story, Sandra. Keep leaning forward!
My former husband is a narcissist in public you would think he was an amazing human but behind closed doors he turned into a complete different person! It was amazing to see how quickly he could turn things on and off! Other people begin to treat me differently and I was confused why they seemed to be short with me and stopped inviting me to events. Later finding out he was lying to them about me and put me in a bad light and made me look like a bad guy and he as the hero! He was and is an alcoholic, he had affairs, manipulative and a huge liar! I could go on and on about the mental abuse and I went to counseling as long as I could and he stopped the health insurance so I couldn’t afford to go anymore. We have been divorced for 10 years and because we have grandchildren I still see him and I pretend to like him for the grandkids and sometimes it’s hard! My question is, does he know he’s a narcissist or does he really think he’s a good guy? If you met him you would think he’s awesome which makes him creepy to flip a switch like that!
So sorry for your continuing suffering . Glad to see you chose the high road .
That’s what narcissist do. They are the hero and you are the villain, end of story.
My father is the same way, I think the punishment for his behavior will be always being alone and never feeling truly loved… As much as I want to pull his eyes out for everything he did to me and my family all my life, I know he will suffer either way, whether he chooses to heal or whether he continues to be destructive, I know the suffering of his past and the suffering that he endures because of his sins… everything they do is fake, but I know the real him, I know what he’s like underneath his Facebook façade…
The best way to heal, as far as I’m concerned, it’s to find supportive relationships and friends and to enjoy your life.
Nobody's perfect; we've all done some regrettable things, but that doesn't change our worth. It doesn't ruin our chances for making amends and learning better ways. We don't have to lie about it or defend, but can admit it, forgive ourselves, and try to do better next time. Honest humility and integrity are very appealing.
Extending grace to ourselves and to others is a peaceful way of life.
But have good personal boundaries - forgiving doesn't mean tolerating abuse or condoning harmful behaviour. We can stay away from that.
Well said 👏
It's dying. My narc mum's death was awful. She was so angry! How dare we all treat her like she's dying! She is special, she doesn't die like all the other lowly people in the world.
I’m just sick & tired of being alone in my marriage. I can’t speak a sentence without interruption, he now is the expert re: my family (but knows nothing about his own), he goes & spends weekends and vacations with his buds-not me. I get thrown under the bus at every turn and I’m exhausted.
💐🌻💐
Unfortunately, neither one of us are in God’s Holy Covenant of Marriage because our narc husbands haven’t ever fulfilled their vows. I’ve been stuck for 36 years. 🙏🙏
My mother wanted me to go to one of our relatives house with her in 2023 for Thanksgiving. I turned her down because the VERY last time for me was when we went to a friends house for Mother's Day and she did everything in her power to shine a bad light on me so the attention can be on her. When we got home I mentioned it to her and she tried to dimiss it by denying what she did, and act like it was all in fun, while I'm steaming mad on the inside. Now, I'm able to go back in my mind and remember how she would always tell people the good and the bad about me. The good because it highlights the good mother she wants people to see and the bad so she can get the sympathy playing the victim role and show me as the bad kid; scapegoat. Even with texting me it will turn from false encouragement to war of words from her end and competition. I simply don't reply anymore or say, "Have a wonderful day!...I go silent until days pass by and she reaches out to me with the pleasantries and asking me questions at the end of her text; always wanting something. Her supply with me has ran it's course. 🙏🏽🎯
You're definitely not going to fall for any more nonsense. Superb work!
I like that, “Have a wonderful day!” As a fellow scapegoat ❤️❤️🩹
You are on the right path and you have support here. 💝
@@tbunnyshy1 “Have…Day” That’s a great response to send and move on.
To be seen for what they are behind their facade. And thus, strong, independent people who stand by their grounds and cannot be manipulated into thinking they are the best and not 'just a normal person'
They fear being exposed for being horrible people.
they act like they have everything together in their world, confident and popular... nothing bothers them they have everything together, while you are the one with weaknesses, can anyone relate to this
Yes.
According to them we're extremely damaged individuals.
We're very argumentative.
We're not to bring up ANYTHING shady they do and say.
Yes. I can relate to this. But, they have inner turmoil 🙄
@@amandaliverpool3374 Thanks for responding
@@Cod12Osc It's true. Everything bad they feel about themselves is either our fault or its the way we are feeling instead. Can be very confusing. But, they love confusion!
Yes 😂 basically they try to projecting and transference their chaotic inner self and internal confusion to others.
That's the red flag when first time meet a person and suddenly my brain feel so confused when listening to them. The more i try to understand the more confused. RUN!!!!
They have a lot of fears, but people seeing through them is a big one.
If they no longer can pull the wool over people's eyes, they're finished.
My Nex could not stand even the thought of being ordinary. Being a nameless face in the crowd caused not just tension, but downright emotional outrage that would set her apart from all others.
Enmeshed with mother
Yep, any type of conflict shows their emotional maturity level. It sounds like she reverted directly back to being a infant in a temper tantrum, except she was in an adult body.
What she did was unacceptable, but I get not wanting to be ordinary. I felt like I might as well be dead if I were ordinary. There would be no point to me existing. I have since accepted being ordinary and give my best effort at my work.
It’s painful when you realise the mask is more important than you, and all you have together. The mask is everything to the narcissist, it represents all that is safe in the world. I feel sorry for them, unable to breathe properly for so long they forget what its like
If narcissists have advanced in their careers using these emotionally abusive approaches, they're never going to work on fixing themselves. In their minds they are a success by their behaviors. I've seen many egotistical narcissistic people advance in the technical business jobs in America. The most common things I saw for nearly 30 years in the American chemical industry is all narcissistic people were abusive, lying, and mistreating of employees below them. Especially if the employees showed skills the narcissistic professionals never perfected in their lives or while in college. Narcissistic people are also intimidated by other people's successes.
Same in the medical electronics industry. Den of vipers.
You are so right Doctor Carter, you can't force people to change; I've put off divorcing my narcissistic husband of 50 years agreeing to being only separated, but now I am going to go through with a divorce to be free of all the control and manipulation I've had to put up with.
You are very brave !
My mom got free from my dad after 30 years.
There is no weakness, only perfection. There is no mask. It’s so shallow that the only thing left is malice because he knows deep down he’s not normal.
It’s really fun watching my ex narcissistic girlfriend go down a very predictable route. She is doing everything possible to enhance her appearance with surgeries including breast augmentation, face lifts, Botox, fillers and the constant selfies on her phone are ridiculous. These people need constant attention as they gather more in their fan club. She gets men to pay for these things and then she is off. They are insatiable and it’s a never ending internal battle. They can’t be fixed and nobody should ever try to. If you want to spend years trying to fix them then go for it but the end result will be the same as the beginning.
No self acceptance, but hidden self loathing.
Bingo
@@SurvivingNarcissism Women are expected to be naturally beautiful, young and social butterflies. There is little acceptance if we are not an idealized version of what a female should be. Just sayin' Doc.
There’s way too many women like this on social media. And the content they produce is shallow. Only simps and lonely men pay attention to them.
Who expects this of us? Not everyone. Only narcs do, @@beachybird1251 but normal, healthy people don't. I don't know a single person who cares about all that now because I eliminated the shallow, narcs from my life and it feels WONDERFUL. ❤
In my narcissists mind is like being in a bizarre matrix!
I find that they fear themselves more than anything...🤷🤷
@@myhalowithin ...Production and performance ??? EXACTLY CORRECT . I find that there is a continual movie going on in their head , we are characters in their grand production , but we don't have a script or a clue what the movie 🍿 is about . I also found that they seldom have an original 🤔💭 thought . They tend to quote movie lines or the lyrics to songs . 🤷🤷 They are pitiful creatures .
I worked together with a narc for about 5 rough years. His constant self-praise, and delegation of some of his tasks to me became too much for me. WE WERE WORKING TOGETHER FOR HIS SUCCESS. I was fortunately able to find another person and market to work with within our company. However, I THEN TOOK MY REVENGE ON HIM, BY DE-MASKING HIM. I created a fictional character who made fun of his beloved country, and of him indirectly. It was relatively harmless stuff, like sharing funny videos, BUT HE TOOK IT VERY PERSONALLY AND HE REACTED FEROCIOUSLY, like a two-year old child having a tantrum, and complaining to several colleagues about „This man ruining my image“. However, that backfired on him because everybody else in the department laughed at his reaction, and thanked me for holding the mirror in front of his de-masked face !!! 😜👍🏁
Im torn between the grief I feel over the tragedy of what these narcissists go through early in life to make them the way they are, vs the anger I feel at how controlling and manipulative and hurtful they are to me and my loved ones.
I had a physically abusive Narc father and it’s awful the things he did to me. I don’t wish any human being pain or suffering, not even him, but he hurt my family so bad I want him to pay for what he did, but I know his pain will come in time and he will never have love and that seems fair to me. His fakery will come to an end eventually, and my best revenge is to live a happy and free life of him, and prove his fairytale of being mr loving father is totally ridiculous.
I grew up with a narcissist dad too. It hurt me and I'm glad to have these videos to expose this stuff.
Keep reading *Romans 15:3-4*
I recently discovered it, and it’s already helping me with forgiveness.
Fear leads to a life of depression if not faced…
God hasn’t given us a spirit of fear……
Exposure… they fear exposure….. which would mean owning their stuff.
I had one acquaintance call his mistake an experiment rather than a mistake . He could “own” it.
Maintaining a facade is exhausting….. be real!
Authenticity goes a long way.
Thank you Dr C!
Should be couldn’t… own it
Amen. The same verse came to me!
I think that if at times the narcissist may deserve some accolades, there is NO EXCUSE for them to harm others to get an 'advantage'.
When I was 8, I demanded dad stop watching football and take my mom to the hospital fir her great pain. If he didn't. I would call 911.
Incidently. It did save moms life. That made him madder, I bet.
I am.pretty sure that's the start of me being scapgoated at every turn.
Wow! Well done 🙏
They are really destructive. I hope you find happiness and peace within yourself.
You explained my entire life story and gave me valuable insight into the way I act and how it affects others.
A person stonewalled me and it triggered a chain reaction into digging deep within myself and correcting my behavior. Unfortunately, some habits die hard, but I have been making progress.
I understand that they’ve had some criticism, but I feel that the antagonist to them is Their Own criticism towards others. When you slam others down because you want to Win Win Win!!!!!!!!!! that’s on them. And I feel they’ve been like that since children as well. They want admiration but loath others. Instead of them being a decent person and that way get their dignity, they stomp on anyone with qualities. Like you are going to never amount to anything if it’s up to them. And they will Never give you the credits, and steal your work. F them.
Thank you, Dr. Carter. It’s freeing when we realize that none of us is “all that.” We’re only human.
True
Subliminally I sensed this, just could not define it or apply it. If only this was 42 years ago how different things would have been! Thank you.
Well said.
Sometimes I've wondered if I am a narcissist. But being real is very me, so I guess not. Whew!
I'm back on blocking the narcissist's phone number so I wont (a) be reminded of his ignoring me and (b) the temtation to tell him what a despicable human being and father he is. It's painful, nil to no contact is what I prefer. To protect my emotions. He doesn't care that I even exist: his loss!
The greatest fear of a narcissist IS, “the child they boxed, locked and left behind!”. . .
49 years, washed in many tears has taught me much about their greatest fears . . .
Thanks Doc! You are a Saint!
Peace.
For the record- wishing you, your family and Amazing 🤩 Puppy 🐶 Gus an wonderful day; as well an awesome 😎 evening ahead
Hey Michelle...thanks for the kind regards. I hope your holiday time has been good as well.
Dr Carter, I just had one of those light bulb moments! You've spoken about fear before and how that effects our relationships with ourselves and others. It just dawned on me that when we are coming from a place of love and we are in a relationship (partner, family member or friend) we're speaking with a desire for connection, but what they are experiencing is sifted through fear. That's why I often times feel isolated in the relationship, a feeling of disconnection. This really made sense to me!
thank you so much!!!
So pleased for this feedback. Keep learning!!
Hey Team Healthy friends 🙂❤️
I had a 7 year relationship with a narcissistic actor who was a closeted gay, pretending to be straight. He gave me two STDs and then accused me of cheating on him. He was terrified that people would find out that he was gay and did everything to look straight, including having sex with hundreds of women, photographing them nude or semi nude, putting the pictures into a photo album and then showing the album to his mother! I assume she figured he was gay decades ago and he's still trying to prove he's not.
Was he a narcisst though or just a guy who denied he liked guys?
@@MJ-qb5ph The original comment doesn't sound at all like a typical gay man who is afraid of being discovered. A typical gay man would probably be avoidant of the subject matter, possibly lying about being with women if it came down to losing something like his livelihood. Or maybe a typical gay man would try to keep his personal life private.
What the original comment describes sounds like a man so completely and totally enmeshed with his mother that neither knew where one ended and the other began. Gay men do not typically show explicit photographs they have taken to their own mother, it's beyond creepy and apparently she allowed it. The man in question apparently had no regard for the humanity of the women he was using, he transmitted diseases, and he used women as sexual props, complete with photographs, all to maintain a false image. This dehumanization and false image is typical of narcissism, but not typical of the average gay man afraid of being discovered. It takes a very special kind of sick to do what this man has done, so I would bet there was far more than just "narcissism" going on. And I am guessing his mother was at the center of everything, his universe, from his perspective.
@@MJ-qb5phboth
🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️
Dr. Carter, thank you so much for all you do for this community. The holidays don’t bring out the best in everyone, so I have been watching quite a few of your videos this weekend. I marvel at the hours and hours of your time you give to us. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
You're quite welcome.
Thank-you for saying it so well. He's a national treasure, I do believe. Laurie
Their REINFORCER is attention and control ,reguardless of the outcome . Extenction is their nimisis and becomes their biggest fear .
One of my single greatest fears is the narcissist taking off the mask. You haven't met my narc mother. If she took that mask off all you would experience is the darkness of a pure demonic personality. Imagine all that hatred right there on the surface with nonstop filthy mouth. She referred to a gym as a "Meat locker" and called her first ex husband a "Pedophile" as his first name for years after their divorce. How do you think you would feel if the second you call your mother she says "How's the pedophile?" in reference to your father? When it comes to her taking off the mask I'm thinking 'Please keep on the mask and leave me the hell alone' which is why I'm in no contact with that psychopath.
No contact
I'm going to say something that might contradict what he's going to say. What I have seen that a narcissist fees most and HATES most is a more powerful narcissist who manipulates HIM/HER like he/she manipulates others.
Yes. They absolutely hate each other.
They have fear, but they have no problem using everything you shared with them against you
Like all addictions, narcissism demands that the supply be the narcissist’s lord and master above all else. So the “tenderness & vulnerability” Dr. C. refers to - normally a good sign a real relationship is forming - is simply marked as fuel for current or future use. Period. “Core dignity” - I love that! That’s the ticket out of harm’s way.
Where ever I go I come back to Dr.Carters knowledge.Sir I don’t think anyone is as clear and as knowledgable as you are thank you for all the information you provide.I hope your sweet little dog is also doing good and well as I see he loves the relaxing sleep while taking in all the lessons.😀
I feel the same way. Best wishes to you, Dr. C and Gus, of course!
Overcompensation to avoid fear based understanding (of not only error but also the results...)AVOIDANCE , hypocricy, lieing ,bullying ,jealousy which renders into envy.
Not much light here.
Also very empty.
' Self will run riot'..addiction..violence.
Think i will try a better approach to life.
Very helpful , sir.
My adult son just threw out another gem to his dad the other day. "Don't you ever ask for help?"
They are so afraid to be left alone and not controlling others. Having survived a malignant and covert=same results. Coverts can have redeeming values but it’s for them. Malignant’s are cancer plain and simple
dieing because they know they can not gaslight God
Yes, I have seen quite a few videos saying that death is the ultimate loss of control, and narcissists fear death greatly.
Dear Dr. C, thanks a lot for another great video. I’ve been watching your videos for over 2 years and you’ve been helping me enormously to understand this condition, how to deal with people who behave this way and how to become a better person. Keep it up with the great work. You’re leaving a very important legacy.
So pleased to get this feedback, thanks!
He is a legacy!
My daughter and I have been estranged for 25 years. Because: she doesn't want to "get real", shirks all communication where she would have to accept responsibility and be accountable for past behavior, decisions, offer up some answers, provide her family closure. She has resorted to threats when invited to communicate, taken Mom on road Rages, and prefers to never see her mom again before she will ever take off her mask, engage in a heart to heart communication, and admit that perhaps she was wrong in hurting mom. I did what I did at the time because...and explain. There's no growth.
Everyone who ever loved her, ever cared about her has walked away from her, including her husband recently.
The new man in her life has informed her that he's not "afraid" of her Mother. So she conditions the people she meets by doing a smear campaign on mom. That's how she gets by rationalizing why she has no contact with her family. Very frustrating for sure.
Thank you Dr.Carter , I am going to step out of the darkness of fear and lift my eyes to the light .
Light cures, reveals, allows perspective. Nasty things grow in dark places.
Awesome
Amen & halleluja 🙏💛🙏🕊👀
Good for you ❤
When I was a kid, I learned that even at night, the moon's light filled the sky. And when the moon was dark, I noticed the light from hundreds of stars.
Even in the darkest, most hidden and distant places of the universe, may you find this promise that light is everywhere for you to find.
Thank you Dr. ❤ after 8 years, I finally woke up.
Keep learning!!
They’re extremely impatient too, I’m assuming that’s the constant irritability. Before I went through years of solo therapy on relations with family dynamic I was very edgy and easy to irritate too
I was just having a conversation with my narcissist father, my normal sister was present and my sister and I walk away feeling and thinking the exact same thing. He tried to talk to us about God and we both knew it would be a weak conversation. He is no Biblical scholar and that is okay. But throughout it, we were civil but he tries everything he can to CONTROL the narrative and tone of every part of it. They only want to hear themselves. Yes, assumed hostility! Exactly!
Happy holidays, Doctor Carter! Thank you for all your support, wisdom, and information!😊
You are so welcome!
My ex husband of 41 years was a clinician who every morning put on his white coat and said to his staff, “It’s show time.” I do not know this man except to say living with him was crazy-making and the last 10 years as a single have been pure freedom. He ruined my children and almost killed me. I feel sorry for him.
Gus is listening 😊
I told my narcissistic boyfriend who always tried to control me, and I lit into his ass and said that you don't control me and I control myself. I told him you need to check yourself!
Truly Spot on! Bullseye! 101% true that the Narcissist fear the most is losing control of significant others in their life. Their ability of having sort of control in their lives is having a control on others. I saw this when my eldest daughter of two has declared absolute independence from her control when she got married and it turns her tupsy turvy! Now she calms down a little bit and the control and anger shifts to me and to our youngest daughter. K
I'm happy to have seen this video today because I was pondering this very thing about my parents. My mother is very avoidant to admit what happened to her in her childhood. She is desperate to keep that mask up at all costs, and I genuinely think she believes that the abuse that happened to her was her fault. She's never been in therapy, probably because she's afraid to talk about her past, even with me her daughter, and she assumes people are going to look at her differently and dislike her. I see the true her and I dislike her, but I am sympathetic because I know only a little bit of what she went through. IT WAS A SAD LIFE. How could I not be empathetic?
I know what she wants when she has her angry outbursts. She wants someone to see her and be sympathetic. I would do that, but she makes it damn near impossible because she's raging so much and going into defensive mode. She won't LET anyone be sympathetic, but that's what she wants the most. It's what she never got growing up in the chaos. While I've been in counseling, the best moments are when my counselor says something to the extent of "It wasn't your fault." "It had nothing to do with you." "You aren't a bad person because someone did that to you." "You aren't defined by what people think of you." Affirmations like that my mother needs to hear, but she can't let that mask slip at all, can't get rid of this wall of fake pride she has. It's mindblowing. She wants to be seen, and I am willing to see her, but be vulnerable? Ohhh no. Never. She chooses to destroy instead.
Then I was thinking about my father. He is one of those people who cannot tolerate differing opinions. I've come to the conclusion that he actually *is* in competition with me. Every single time I open my mouth, he immediately cuts me down and disagrees. It's the strangest thing. "I don't believe that." "That's just your opinion." Well, it might be my opinion, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. It's simply not HIS opinion. He always, and I do mean ALWAYS, has to be right. It's as though he goes out of his way to ensure we can't agree on anything so we must disagree in order for him to be justified in his opinion of me that I'm...awful. I can't imagine being that insecure, that everyone has to LINE UP WITH ME OR YOU'RE OUT. I don't think he's like this with other people, just me.
He also throws around his age that he's smarter than I am. Because he's older. Because he has "more experience." Yet he is stuck in the past, always reliving the hurts and never letting them go. They are right there in the forefront of his mind. I've heard the same stories over and over and over and over and over and over again, and he is the victim.
The biggest thing I've learned is that neither of my parents see me as an individual with my own thoughts, feelings, and ideas. I'm not "the child." I am my own person. I'm not an extension of my mother. I'm not competing with my father. For my peace and security, I am choosing the no contact option when I finally get my life in order and can do it. I've tried. I've done enough. I'm finished.
Thank you, Dr. C! I hope you and your family have a fantastic holiday season.
You seem to have an excellent grasp on your situation with your parents, and in many ways you remind me of myself when I was younger. Even if you don't have the encouragement from your parents, you seem to have developed a very level head with a clear and healthy plan to move forward in your life. I did something similar when it was time for me to move out from my parents, and it was truly the best thing I ever did in my entire life. Like you, I was able to see my own parents for who they were, even though they did not return the favor. In many ways I had to raise myself through the examples I found away from home (like at school, out in public, or on TV). I'm just speaking my mind out loud here, but I must say how wonderful and refreshing it is to read how so very far you have come, and I don't even know you or anything else about you besides what you've written. I wish you all the very best in healing and peace as you move forward in life, and I hope to see you from time to time here in the comments. I hope you're having a wonderful day.
My heart goes out to you. I like how you explained everything so clearly. The ending is my favorite. You accept things for what they are and you are looking at your future. Peace and security to you ❤️
Break that generational curse! We are rooting for you!!
Spacegirl you told my story. With great thought and correct punctuation. I hope the best for you is near.
I grew up normalizing that same behavior and excepting it because other household members were a chip off the old blocks. I didn't see it until looking back at most of the people I considered friends were just like my selfish family. I was friends with most of them because I was codependent to them too. I became a great coworker and team player but until now I didn't realize why I was always on the best teams and the last crew member to be laid off.
Wishing you well!!!!
Now you know.
You normalized abnormal behavior in a very normal dysfunctional family.
@@danielkaiser8971 Thank you for your kind words. These last few years coming to terms with everything after my divorce have been unbelievably difficult, but necessary! I've got all the ins and outs of the narcissistic behavior down, but the part where I'm breaking habits and changing things for me is very slow going. It's been decades of this crap. But at least I'm doing it. I don't want to end up like my parents, chewing people up and spitting them out and making endless excuses. All my life has been cleaning up someone else's mess while nobody, like you said, bothered to return the favor. Not doing it anymore.
Today I spent some time at my longtime friend's house celebrating Thanksgiving with her family. My holidays were always fraught with tension because my mother would lose her shit and meltdown. Every year, terrorized and held hostage by her moods. I made the decision that I'm not putting up with it for another second longer, that I will for the first time in my life ENJOY the holidays.
I think I'm on a power trip now! lolololol
Thank you again for your reply. I hope you have a pleasant holiday season.
Thank you Doctor C and Team Healthy. The mask suffocates us, that's exactly how it is. It suffocates the possibility of seeing ourselves, accepting ourselves and improving what we can improve. The mask scares me a lot. If we don't have a real image of ourselves we risk even being violent towards ourselves and others, when we feel that our mask is threatened. I wish all of us the strength to know and accept ourselves, with the hope of improving, too.
That was brave!
Taking a hard look at yourself is the first step to healing .
Dr. Carter. I'm very grateful . Thank you.
You are very welcome.
Goodness. As you described that thinking, I flashed back to specific instances of that happening in our home. I gave up trying to suggest a more 😅constructive approach because his responses were so convoluted that you'd think he was speaking a different language. I can't recall any times during 31 years that he actually laughed or even broke out in a warm smile, either. Bizzare.
I finally went no contact with my son and daughter in law. She has convinced him that I want to break up their marriage, even though I did everything to make sure she had a nice wedding because her Mom wouldn't. But after 20 years of walking on egg shells and always doing something wrong...I just can't anymore. But I would like to ask them exactly what I would get out of breaking up their marriage. For heavens sake!! Would I really want a 40 something year old man hanging around for me to take care of??
Thank you. Your videos continue to help me advance in recognizing my husband's narcissistic defenses, and in developing my own self-confidence and resistance to the ill effects of his behaviors. Today, your reminder about his paranoia caused me to glimpse how his paranoia negatively impacts how I see myself. Yesterday, I was able to see how he deflected responsibility to me (when talking to someone on the phone), so the other person wouldn't be angry with him. The paranoia, I might be able to help him with. The fear of other people's anger-- I'm not sure about. But, your videos have helped my personal well-being a great deal. I'm much better off than 6 or 8 months ago. Unlike many others in the group, I don't believe all narcissists are a lost cause. However, I do know that in the short-term, if you aren't prepared for what they are, interaction with them can be quite damaging. I chalk a lot of my husband's improvement to the men's Bible study he has been attending for about 8 years now. The leadership of the group has remained quite stable over that time and they have treated him with respect, support and encouragement. I believe the trigger for my husband's narcissism was his father; and, the continuous male reinforcement has helped to greatly reduce his more outlandish outbursts and given me some maneuvering room. Thank you, Dr. C.
Shame & the projection driven response seems automatic almost at a subconscious level 👩 I was always amazed at how quickly the narc could turn his shame into a nasty comment directed at me & it’s always verbatim what he really thought of himself 🤦♀️ My favorite was calling me an a&$hole when he thought his birthday present came from the hotel management 🤷♀️ even though I had hid it in the luggage on his special trip to Key Largo
Regarding a narc boss within the workplace...it's very easy for them to avoid tasks/projects that they don't understand @ the risk of exposure. It makes for a perfect storm. They simply farm them out under the guise of "this is part of your job function" as they pepper it w/demands, fear, & threats. And, should their hire ups become dissatisfied w/the results...the narc boss simply throws their employee under the bus who they farmed it out to.
Sighhhh then it's pointless dealing with them! Sheesh