Abuse Recovery: 3 Keys to Overcoming Self-Blame
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- Опубліковано 5 вер 2024
- Abuse & Neglect Recovery: 3 Keys to Overcoming Self-Blame
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In this video, the followup to Narcissistic Parenting: 8 Common Effects • Narcissistic Parenting... , I address some of your questions about about how to recover, by describing 3 keys to overcoming chronic self-blame:
1) Recognize abuse: getting stuck, without support, in an abusive relationship is a recipe for chronic self-blame. Seeing the signs for what they are--and getting help leaving if the abuse doesn't stop--are crucial to breaking out toxic cycles of self-criticism. For more, see www.psychology...
2) Break your isolation: it's difficult to see through cloud that envelops you when you're raised by a narcissistic parent. It's even more difficult if your trauma drives you into isolation as an adult--or worse, an abusive partner forces you further into silence. You need supports to see what's wrong. You need people who can say, "You deserve better; I'm so sorry s/he did that to you." More often than not, we need someone else to who can see through the fog with us.
3) Recognize your disappointment. Chronic self-blamers, often echoists, bury their disappointment because they've learned that voicing it may threaten their relationships--or even their lives. In place of justifiable anger and disappointment, self-blame begins to flourish. We trade our self-esteem for a sense of hope, convinced that it's only by improving ourselves that we can ever truly feel loved (and safe).
To learn more about recovery and more easily spot even subtle narcissism at the start of a relationship, read my internationally acclaimed book, Rethinking Narcissism. tinyurl.com/j4t...
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I had to put up with abuse for 10 years in complete solitude and isolation. No one believed me that I was in that terrible situation and no one helped me. Living in foreign countries and being at his mercy to even get a phone to call my family or going out, didn't leave me any chance to put up with the abuse, until God gave me the courage to either die and live in the street or stay with him and die in solitude and I left accepting to die in the street than being with him under one roof. Lord delivered me and saved me and regardless of him trying to kill me I'm still alive and finally separated. But I'm dealing with PTSD now and I hope that I can get back on my feet and overcome my emotions and regain willpower to live daily life. He is out and I know I'm safe but I'm still suffering. I tried even antidepressants, but I went through the most terrible serotonin syndrome condition that still after 7 months my brain is not recovered and my tremors did not go away. I wish you could give real technics, how to deal with PTSD and overcoming abuse and how to get back to life and how to love sunshine again and how to overcome fear of human.
I find the internalisation of that abuser's voice to be more damaging as it can go underground... into the background... unnoticed.
I think step one is identifying and understanding of what happened to me. as a child I did not recognize it as abuse it took over 8 years before I was able to identify by putting each traumatic incident by each traumatic incident together and when I realized it was intentional it was devastating
Pure evil. That's the sick thing it's intentional I never realized until my mid 20s what it was.
Thank you. This explanation of self-blame helps me understand at a deeper level. The idea of flipping the question, "What did I do wrong?" Or "What is wrong with me?" is so brilliant! Instead ask "Is there something wrong in the relationship?" So helpful.
So helpful! I went to the dentist yesterday and she was so rude and dismissive to me. I walked out thinking "why do I repulse people"..."I dressed nice, I look ok... I have been doing this for years. Thank you!
Some people are just arrogant and out of touch with others. xo
Yes..look at you first
Holy holy. I'm so grateful for these videos! I was abused by a narc parent for 10+ years and am in a really good marriage now. I about started crying again. I hope that with these tips and watching more I can improve my relationship and start healing the hurt child within if you will. For me it's more like "how am I really feeling? How do I communicate this feeling constructively? How do I reprogram my thoughts to be constructive instead of self-destructive?" Because when I feel like I've failed I self destruct completely and I don't want to self destruct anymore. Thank you so much!!
Great encouragement to begin identifying and acknowledging emotions. However, I would NEVER reveal them to a narcissist. They will only take the info and use it to put you down, control, or hurt you in some way.
Expressing your feelings to a narcissist is asking to be gut punched.
Very helpful and easy to understand for ”beginners”
This video resonates with me so much! I wouldn't have realized what was going on behind the scenes of my life if it hadn't been for my best friend and her husband moving here and starting to kind of point out weird things, things they found odd or strange about my relationship with my parents. A great example is that I was never comfortable receiving gifts from anyone because it always carried a sense of heavy obligation to that person with it. When my best friend and her husband came into a little money and splurged on me as well as themselves, I was in a state of shock and so my best friend asked me, "What's going on? Are you okay?" I replied with something to the effect of not knowing and being nervous about what I'm going to owe them for this. She and her husband both dismissed that as ridiculous, explaining what giving a gift means to them, which was the same definition I got verbally but the actions behind those words communicated the exact opposite. It never occurred to me that my family was different from other families, or to question my own definition of love from a perspective outside of what I've experienced.
When I was with my ex-husband I had an epiphany like this, too, because the accusation was so ridiculous that I couldn't accept it. It would not compute, so to speak. We had gotten in an argument and I decided to go for a walk. When I came back, he had carved the word "pain" in 2-inch letters on his left forearm with a knife and he said, straight-faced, "Look what you made me do." I was so confused at first that I wasn't sure how to react, but it wouldn't stop bothering me. I thought about it and thought about it, and the more I did, the more ridiculous the idea became that him carving into his own arm while I wasn't even there was my fault. It was a good turning point and led to a more accurate perception of what was really going on. For the first year or so of our marriage, I blamed myself for everything. His outbursts (if I didn't have dinner ready or there was laundry left to fold, for example), his violence, his drunkenness, his waving a loaded gun around and talking like a gang banger even though he was military, all of it. I thought I was doing something wrong as a wife. How ridiculous!
I hope to now work through some of the less extreme aspects of this, the more subtle layers of epiphany, so to speak =). Thank you for shedding more light on this topic!
Jen
I have been gaslighted and and i feel trapped. If i start telling people they will think i am complaining. In my family it happened like that when i was adolescent with my mum and aunts.Now that i am middle age I find my siblings are like my mum. Very cold and disencouraging people.
Thank you for taking the time to do these videos!
This topic has been so crucial for me in the whole process of recovery. Since I recognized that there must be something wrong with my parents, and the environment when I was young. But it was never enough to just identify their unhealthy inner mind. I have just recognized that there is very deep self blame in my unconsciousness these days. And I find out that it is very essential to confront the devastation of myself not just to confront the toxic relationships in my life, it is very heart breaking that I needed to define myself with those kinds of negative concepts with blame, disgust, hatred. But though, it relives me at the same time with the recognization that there is something that I should help myself, that I AM ABLE TO help and save myself with my own strength. It is still on the way, but I feel like I have just found out real me who got hurt and who had to hate oneself so deeply. And I decide to help myself there not just spending my energy and emotion to be against my parents or my past anymore. Love life and love beautiful souls.
I did tell my sister at the time who i didnt realise was also npd, she invalidated me and blamed me for narc 's behaviuor-guy i dated . I also told friends who all invalidated me. I realised after they had also unhealthy narc traits. I never got any empathy or understanding from anyone over these past 4 years, Ive dumped all friends they were unhealthy, Ive dealt with this all on my own no support, except for occasional comments from people on channels like this. Learning about echoism has been really helpful
Thank you!! this is so helpful
Had many friends all in abusive relationships. We belonged to a paternal perfectionistic Catholic Traditional Latin Cult. For years we all suffered silently
Thank you so much for making these videos. I have been power watching them. They are very, very helpful. I am going to order your book. Sending you good wishes and a lot of gratitude.
Bravo!
How to deal with sharing to others my experience but it's a struggle to find who will believe me.
A very helpful video. I really needed this.
Any tips on dealing with a narcissist boss? I want to leave, but how do I deal with the situation until I can get out?
Hi Toni--I have an entire chapter devoted to just that subject in #RethinkingNarcissism. I also have a video on this channel about workplace narcissism. Hope that helps! ua-cam.com/video/3fmxxSIg_Ec/v-deo.html
Thanks! I do have your book but haven't read it yet. I'm still new to this Narcissism thing. Mom is a Covert Narc and at least one of my bosses is an outright Narc. Ugh!
Hi,so interesting topic.
Have been looking for someone to clear my mind. My wife is so strange I have been living for 8years in total confusion.her childhood was not good.she is from former eastern communists country. Am from Black Africa.she was raised by an abusive dad and (now as i understand a codependent mum)and submissive mum.she has an elder sis who is so passive.my wife was the one who fought off her drunken dad from abusing her mum or big sis.
Now she is so scared of everything. Every sudden movement around her sets a panick attack.she wakes up at night in nightmares that i have run away.this is for all these 8years.am so confused bcos she is also very aggressive and defensive if under accusation or challenge she doesn't abuse me but she tried when we started but I am a very strong personality.I was raised in a middle class household with everything i needed as a child and went to the best schools.but she had the opposite of that as a child so i try to always help her.we kkve each other to optimum(dont jnow what that means)we have a 4 year old daughter who is picking her traits and thats when i started looking for help and came accross this video.
I just need help to make me understand her better.my educational background dealt with some child psychology so I thought i handled it but am now lost.she is also very detatched with some situations whereby everyone else will crumble.she says its to protect her mind which i thjnk its true bcos she deals very badly with trauma.doesnt watch anything with violence and above all doesnt want help.never met abyone who smokes a cig every 5mins or 10mins.not kidding. Drinks heavily but has reduced since we had my daughter.couldn't even stop smoking during pregnancy. This caused me nightmares bcos I am Versed in the effects of smoking while pregnant.she admires my understanding of life and the way i approach things with calm but says she cant be like that.
Very nice person deep down but am so worried now as we age bcos she has not calmed down with tge fears and anxiety.and doesnt open up easily. Took me 4 years b4 ever telling me her father was abusive.lost also her parents in a space of 5 years both to cancer.
Sorry for the length.its a desperate soul crying oyt for help.
Best regards to all.thanks
That's tough. I hope you and your wife can each find help and healing.
Hello Tondoh, you might have to accept that she'll never change. I have a very damaged mother (in her 80s) who constantly shields away from reality, even life's usual little problems. She just can't cope. Stemming from neglect and the death of her much loved older sister. Unfortunately, she has together with my father who was abused by foster parents, very much damaged me. Your own daughter will be paying this 'price'. She won't change, of course, unless she is ready to look inside to heal. xo
Very helpful!! Thank you so much! 🌸🌷
Sadly Dr Malkin. I told and told in therapy about my husband I was repeatedly blamed. He is very subtle…..
Is there a way to get my mother into therapy? I've been begging her since I was 17. She did finally see a psychologist w/ me once in 2007, but the psychologist was somewhat confrontative with her, and my mother's response was to say she wasn't coming back and then walk out. My mother then continued therapy w/ this psychologist on her own and then told everything that the psychologist told her I should have been an only child. I was also seeing this psychologist on my own, and when I heard this, I contacted the psychologist to ask her if she said this, and she said she absolutely did NOT say this. My mother is still going around saying this. My mother has been emotionally abusive my entire life and has scapegoated me and cut me off for years at a time bc I could not attend my sister's bridal shower because of a schedule conflict. I believe my mother is also a functional alcoholic. I have a sister who is her golden child, who is essentially a clone of her. The psychologist I / we saw at that time (I've been in therapy to cope w/ her since college) - told me that my mother compares herself to me and feels inadequate - even if I'm not even around or if I'm around and am not even saying anything.
Thank you.
Thank you for your video. This really resonated with me. However, I have found it difficult, no impossible, to connect physically with my husband and have any sexual intimacy because of his behavior. I rarely get affection. He says he would give affection if we had more physical intimacy. Do I have a sexual issue or is this another ploy at gaslighting? I'm trying to keep an open mind.
Sorry, but doesn't sound good to me...sounds threatening and blaming you.
thank you
All the time I'm blaming myself for forgetting thing or not doing well in exams 😟😟😢😢😢😢 this hurt so much.
You can't fix bad habits by blaming and punishing yourself. You have to change the deeper reasons for what is happening. I was dealing with oversleeping and being late to everything. After years of guilt and being angry at myself I found out It was partly due to health issues. Maybe you lack motivation for what you're doing in life, maybe you have some unfulfilled psychological or physical needs... I'm not a professional, just speaking from personal experience.
You know . . . life is bigger than romantic relationships a lot of you guys need to quit being lazy with topics like this and talk about self blame in other areas of life. People have narc parents to raise and manipulate them to think in self blaming terms thats taken out into all areas of life, work friendship etc. I hate when everything is spoken about only in terms of intimiate relationships because those things are mostly choices
Does an adult child of a narcissistic mother need therapy to be a good parent?
Meags Dekkar it wouldn't hurt.
I think they would need to heal themselves before having a child.
Oh man a Doc. I have a very serious question about something. Its a smell. I have known 2 people that posses the same smell on a bad day for them. It's not a joke it very scary to me. I'm 9 years into this marriage and just now learning about personality disorders. the other person I knew was a co worker but it is the exact same smell accompanied by a certain look on their face. To much of a coincidents to not have an explanation.
knife maker I know that schizophrenia has a smell. I am only a lay person and don't know the reason for the odor. Maybe some professional might know.
knife maker maybe you have synasthesia (sp?). Just a thought.