Smack Talk: Alien Covenant Review
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- Опубліковано 19 тра 2017
- It's a review of Alien Covenant. Or possibly an essay on Alien Covenant. Or maybe a soft reboot essay review?
Anyway Alien Covenant sucks.
If you feel like I deserve it then...
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"I didn't get enough oxygen at birth."
.
"Get that man on a spaceship!"
Ironically I couldn't breath when he came out with that gem
@@Stuart267 Ah man, he's great eh. Red letter media, robot head and now Voxis for me. I've got a lot of catching up to do.
Well, SJW employees... :-/
We need to make a new rule for cinema makers, ask this question for every scene, “would you do what this character is about to do?”. That should raise some IQ on these characters. Or we should go on a rampage firing these writers that just breeze through them and replace them with more talented ones.
I almost choked on a biscuit!
And four years later, this video is still entertaining.
It is 5 years later lol 😆
@@Mviews-hb4ib my comment is a year old though ._.'
I'm not surprised. It was that bad
This and quite a few others too. One of them over an hour long!
.. Mostly because ''Covenant'' was such an ultra shit-movie that it STAYED as an ultra shit deep-anal excuse for a movie that is at once so ugly and boring that its not worthy of Prometheus, Let alone Alien.
If i didn't actually see juicy Smollett get attacked by the alien myself I would have assumed he made it up.
Underrated comment wow.
I honestly watched every Smack Talk video at least 5 times each, and coming back i still have a ton of fun! there's just SO MUCH awesome content: jokes, graphics, funny doll movements, expressive editing, nasty ass refferences........ it's impossible to memorize even half of these, therefore, it's an endlessly rewatchable bonanza of awesomeness which only Paul could deliver to this God forsaken platform! i really love and respect you Paul!
His voice, timing and intonation are unique as well, but also recognizable in a weird way.
Some sentences are tough to deliver without choking and oinking.
I'm so happy I found this channel, thanks to Cynical Reviews.
I wish he would come back
"Ridley, if you're watching this... well you're probably not, you're probably enjoying a bowl of cocaine with a lady boy. Or not, as my lawyer insists."
Hehe you're golden!
"Are you even paying attention...?" Ya got me cold. I couldn't stop laughing because it was true!!
That was surreal!
Best part of the film
@Adrijana Radosevic Sorry it's been a year and I'm almost a boomer..(memory going..lol)..do you have a time reference so I can go back and see what I was talking about..ty if not have good un'
Amazing how pc communist the yt mods are about replying to that scene.
In that movie you get to see Kiera knightleys tits. 😁😁😁
You deserve so much more attention, it's crazy.
Right back at ya ;)
Definitely!
He just earned a subscriber
Agree..... I would rather pay my fifteen quid to you than these shithouse train crash movies. At least you make me laugh about my childhood dying.
The Team Players he needs a shoutout from someone bigger.
He's not bad for a limey. Better make vids over there before England becomes the smallest province in the European Caliphate.
You know what made the first alien film good? Limitations that forced a less is more mindset. The first alien was almost lovecraftian in how it presented the alien, offering the audience just a tiny glimpse of the very tip of something so vast and horrible you cannot imagine it, and contrasted that seriality with human characters that acted like rational people caught in an irrational situation. Same with the Thing. But the new movies throw all of that out of the window.
@Embelm12 Yeah, it was a happy medium. The Blair Witch didn't show the monster/witch at all, leading you to think that the kids were a bunch of idiotic nutjobs, and modern cinema shows too much of the monsters...and it's horrid CGI 99% of the time! Really, screw modern Hollywood. They are creatively bankrupt and they know it. And they still insist we kiss their asses for being "artists" despite the lack of actual "art" in modern films.
Well said.
Nonsense , you see less of the alien in Covenant than you do in Aliens.
Also he copied the original from a Japanese manga. That might have something to do with it as well. Lol.
@@bjrnhalfhand2258 I said Aliens.
Less than 20,000 views after nearly a year! This stuff is pure gold--it should be going viral. How can we get the word out about Prof. Tosspot's sheer brilliance? It's a travesty that it should be languishing in this forgotten corner of UA-cam.
Let the word go out! We must do something for the Prof!
oh yes! his work is so informative yet contains the most imaginative burns! I am loving it!
Not just burns; the observations are spot on. Prometheus WAS shit, yet I couldn't believe the number of people who thought it a work of genius despite the fact that nothing made a lick of sense. Covenant is no better, yet no one seems to notice or care save the good Prof. I couldn't believe what I was seeing when that guy stuck his face up close to the pulsating monster in the egg. I mean, who does that, save ye local moron? And these are supposed to be trained personnel! I'm gobsmacked by the utter stupidity of it all.
pp312
Well I knew prometheus made no sense when I watched it but i assumed it made no sense because it was so deep and I was thick as pigshit.
@Devonian It's a simple case of muddying one's waters to appear deep. :/
If I were a conspiracy theorist I'd say this obscurity is proof that Google really prefers to cater to big businesses like Holliwood.
9:49 "Are you even paying attention?"...huh, what did you say?
9:53 "better angle"
9:36 -10:00 Ummm... there was dialogue?
What move is this
Yes and No.
@@darthdank1993 it's "A Dangerous Method" (2011)
Im so happy I found this channel.
Da Fank
You might enjoy Georg Rockhall-Schmidt's channel as well.
I love both of them
Me too
Me too -I'm agreeing and laughing so much
Awesome review man! I at least found Covenant way more entertaining than Prometheus because I nearly laughed to tears in the arm raising scene
Oh god, that may have been the worst thing I've seen in an Alien movie to date.
Man small world
Heavy breathing at each other INTENSIFIES!
I watched the movie twice and i dont remember that scene, can you link ot somwhere? Thanks
@@killian9314 ua-cam.com/video/TIS4K2Cj2lg/v-deo.html in the extended scene David comes up and it stands. He gets it to put it's arms up then down. He breaths at it then the guy with the gun shows
Budget Tom Hardy I laughed so hard
Leslie Thurman Well, they do look almost the same.
😂 for real.
Fuck I misses that line the first time I watched this. Glad I saw your comment... fucking hilarious
Tom Hardley has always been low budget. Hasn't made a good movie since Bronson. Yes, I said "Hardley".
i've been saying that about that actor for so long. glad to hear i'm not the only guy that sees it.
I have fallen in love with you and your channel. Our marriage is soon. I expect you to be on time.
5 years later and I still find this entertaining.
"Prometheus Two WTF Boogaloo".. AAAAhahahahahaha!
"Prometheus II: The WTF Boogaloo" - I'm dying!!🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I must have watched this video about 5 times and "get that man on a spaceship " line makes me laugh every time
"Like that time I took PCP at my aunt's funeral"
hardest laugh of the year so far
The spoiler warning placement never gets old!! Seriously, it’s one of the simplest, yet best jokes since the dawn of the internet.
We all wondered where the "sex and death" punchline was going and it did not disappoint
God i wish you uploaded more...
I don't get why more people don't watch your videos, it's good stuff
I dunno. At least I have viewers full stop. Keep watching, spread the videos and keep being awesome.
2 months between videos is why. UA-cam incentivizes frequent uploads.
Rolfum so true, that commercial part cracked me up.
Rolfum i love the English butler type doing three review. i really like this video. that jab at the Kardashians abortion thing floored me. Well done I'm gonna sub!
Voxis Productions maybe the porn humor lmao
"Get that man on a spaceship" get a laugh from me everytime
"More embryos than the Kardashians' personal abortion clinic". 😂
I like that, coz I hate them. 👍
Wow...if even a succubus vampiress nun is disgusted by you...you done screwed up.
This channel is great and doesn't have enough subscribers for the quality given.
I liked the movie.. but it wasn't as good as this review.
Yes Prometheus was a necromancers dream. Beautiful to look at but a rotting corpse underneath.
I dont think necromancers care about looks, now a necropheliac on the other hand...
I just thought it was incoherent shit. Don’t care how much they polish that turd... I mean throw money at the screen.
I gotta agree with you on this one, V.
@@nnnnmhughuuhhjiijj9457 👌👍
After watching this video I decided to check out your other videos. All I gotta say is this.
You NEED more subscribers. Your videos are hilarious.
Thanks. You and all the other viewers are the reason I make these. I don't make money from them, and don't need to because of my stash of Nazi gold.
Voxis Productions
You NEED to make more reviews!
Great stuff Proffesor!
Blimey.. Keira Knightley even pouts with her mouth wide open.
"Bum Gravy" ... a term I will never, ever be able to get out of my head. Thanks for that!
The infomercial where you were making fun of the "black goo" from these films was really funny; I had to pause a few times to catch my breath from laughing. Great job on this review, very entertaining.
The question now is what film ruined their franchise more; Alien Covenant or Star Wars The Last Jedi?
Both
Star Wars
The Last Jedi wins that contest for sure.
TLJ easy. But it was Prometheus that ruined the Alien franchise long before Covenant.
I kinda like Prometheus. Covenant was just average.
Laughed so hard at the "Are you even paying attention!?"
Compared to watching Keira faking an orgasm? Hell no LOL I didn't know she could act that good
Or maybe she wasn't faking? hmmm , even better
6 years later and this get recommended to me, thank you voxis
6 yrs later, still entertaining!!!
Thank you so much for introducing me to that scene of Kiera Knightley getting spanked. The best thing I have watched so far on this website.
I have now on loop.
this channel is awesome. needs more views. I'll watch the lot
5:14 That free 1 year subscription to "Blacked .com," with the QVC logo, cracked me up LOL
If TV would've lived up to it's promise, it still wouldn't be as good as this channel.
This kind of splender fills that Norm MacDonald shaped hole in my heart.
THE BEST ENTERTAINMENT ON UA-cam! Your comedy and timing is legendary. You need your own show with a big salary...pure genius.
budget Tom Hardy 😂😂😂😂😂
9:57
"Are you even paying attention?'
LOL, no, NO I was quite distracted ya evil bastard!
You are doing God's work professor. You deserve way more subscriptions than you currently have.
What a year! Covenant killing the ALIEN franchise and the last Jedi driving a steak into STAR WARS
im starting to think its by design, but i dont understand said design....
Both are amazing
@@prpwnage9296 only if you are 12.
Cristian Rusu both films are amazing
@@prpwnage9296 sorry friend, both films are stupid, both of them should not exist, lets not talk about the hero's journey, just think about how predictable they are, not a single surprise...who should i relate to? all people die, its logical so we can get to the first alien without anyone knowing from the new crew about them, i should relate to the monsters? to the artificial life form? at one point only a queen will remain, anything and anyone else has to disapear...
This was one of the funniest videos I've seen in a long time - subscribed!
Yaw Yaw Yaw Yaw Yaw Yaw!!!!!
TheKoss11 what is the name of that girl in the clip ???
lolabunny087
Noomi Rapace. The movie is Daisy Diamond.
John Ivan Oplimo
*tips trilby*
It's Ja* (Yes) because she's swedish and she's playing a swedish actress.
@El Gusanillo Del Juego it's sad that it is a movie and not porn :(
That was the biggest waste of 13 bucks in my life... this franchise is dead to me... really too bad... why didn't he get better writers ????
There's nothing left to tell. After the second movie, all imaginable angles on this franchise have been exhausted..
why didn't he get better writers ???? - exactly. I have always wondered why all the credit for original Alien`s success goes to Scott? Eventually without solid script by Dan O'Bannon (RIP) and Ronald Shusett and ingenious design by H.R.Giger (RIP) all he can do are amazing visuals of Prometheus (Covenant is just a joke) with nothing inside.
I loaned this for free at my local library and still felt ripped off!
I could make a better story . But its mostly the mindset of a aged man thats the problem with the defunct movies , this and money and forced sgi by the company O guess to sell it for the investors - I guess aliens has actually taken over the corpses of those,, must be So many bad descions that' really alien
Just discovered these videos. Been binging all of them. So freaking good! Please keep them coming!
9:35 IThe first time I watched this review, didn't even hear him say "Are you even paying attention?".
Don't worry man you shall get a lot exposure with these amazing vids and I am your newest subscriber! Stay healthy and you are a genius type creator man! MUCH LOVE BRO!
The annoying part about how this series handled the Engineers, is that its actually a pretty cool idea if they explored it in a thoughtful and meaningful way.
Maybe Prometheus shouldn't have been a simple horror flick. Maybe in the hands of somebody like Denis Villeneuve it could have put more emphasis on exploration and mystery, before a sudden turn to horror when one of the Engineers turns out to be hostile. Since the movie's all about "symbolism", why not imply the Engineers were actually bent on helping humanity but a few of their own betrayed the others and used the black mutagen to create monsters?
Just imply the xenomorph was one of those creations.
"Budget Tom hardy", spot on! 😂😂😂
"Get that Man on a space ship!"
lmfao XD
New favorite movie review channel. You should be at 270K.
You consistently calm me down when I'm drunk.
"Just eating box" class
That Kardashian joke made me laugh for two straight minutes.. subscriber earned
"And then there's the mouth breathers"
What is the name of the banging video at the end ? ... actress name ... for research ... lol ..
Noomi Rapeface in 'Daisy Diamond'
Damn your research! That film is fucked up! (Quite literally)
This video is the best. Entertainment Weekly should put the puppet in the center of the bullseye this week. I hope Voxis Productions keeps going and doesn't loose its edge. The Summer of 2017 is waiting with more targets for the puppet. Definitely not for the kids, but I would recommend this video to everyone who cares about originality in movies like me. Excellent work.
What was that at the end?
That was Noomi Rapface getting pounded in some indie film from a few years ago. I don't recall the name but just google "Noomi Rapace getting f**ked" and you'll find it. Err, don't ask me how I know....
Daisy Diamond
My first thought was that Professor was going to burst out of the Chest Burster's chest.
I actually enjoyed Prometheus as a stand alone film and thought that the original idea for the follow up ('Paradise Lost') sounded interesting.
It's a shame that the franchise couldn't have gone in that direction because we've seen a lot of 'Alien' films already, with diminishing returns.
What movie did that last scene come from??
And was Keira Knightley being spanked by Fassbender??
A Dangerous Method.
IM SO GLAD I FOUND THIS CHANNEL. KEEP IT REAL, BRING ON THE LAUGHTER!!
08:44
i am sorry those are ALIEN tide pods, and this is really just the ALIEN laundry room.
How is the buttslap movie called? Its for research
Daisy Diamond (2007)
Oh this ain't a butt slap, this here is a spanking
Late comment but the spanking scene is from a 2011 movie called A Dangerous Method. It's a historical based on the relationships between Carl Jung, Sigmund Freud, and Sabina Spielrein.
Voxis: “Let’s look at Prometheus”
**Literally looks away**
Voxis: “Don’t turn away”
Me: 👁👄👁
These reviews are both ridiculous-funny and tragically spot on. I started to worry you might run out of work once Hollywood got its act together. ...Then I laughed and LAUGHED and laughed.
I remember how terrified, yet utterly enthralled I was by all things Alien, when it debuted. Still have the trading card set, plus a slew of stuff in Starlog, Heavy Metal, Omni, etc...that my Father gave me after he was done reading them. He even gave me copies of the Warren horror comics "Creepy" and "Eerie". I was like 11, had a over-active imagination, and my room was a partition of an attic of a house built in 1908. You can imagine what that did to me... it hardened me to scary stuff.
Anyhow, for 34 years, I waited. I wondered if the original team of O'Bannion, Schusset, and Scott would ever try to recapture that film ( I cannot acknowledge any of these supposed other films ) and possibly, maybe explore the origin of the Space Jockey, and it's very unique starship, and the peculiar cargo. Still leave it mostly a nebulous mystery, just a toss us a bone. But part of me would rather just speculate. I and the other Ne'er-do-wells I hung out with, came up with all kinds of possibilities, how long did it take for the Jockey to calcify?, and other kinds of shit One ponders over a bowl. 34 years later, and I get a bag over the head and a punch to the face. Ridley, you can consider yourself off the XMas card list!
P.S. Sorry for going off a bit, kinda anal about detail. Also, the last time I mentioned all of this on another critique, some Dude lost his shit. Never replied, as this other life-form could not seem to dig the concept of "All in all, the opinions of some other Dope, has no affect on the Multiverse" It is just one absurd things' personal feelings about a beloved film and it's legacy. Keep it classy, Professor!
I have that plushy wrapped around my desk lamp :)
This was priceless - great work chap!
Wow your videos are great! Fully agree with everything you had to say.
Your review is hilarious! I saw Covenant yesterday in IMAX it is (all most RS movies visually stunning), predictable plot points, some silly characters doing dumb horror trope stuff. However I still really enjoyed the film, the scares and gore were quite effective, and michael fassbender does a phenomenal performance as both androids
A review of my review. Inception...
*BWAAAAAAHHHHHH*
It's great. One of the few Hollywood films that has no SJW agenda and can pack in effective gore alongside interesting characters. Best of all the Alien films alongside the 1979 original.
Omg lol your biting dialogue is unapologetically amazing ! I love it
You know it's really funny is I can keep watching these videos over and over and I still laugh
KEEP MAKING VIDEOS!!!!! love them and you will get more views
this stuff is gold
SHRIMP ON THE BARBIE!!!! G'DAY MATE!
Brilliant video,I laughed harder than Matt Hancock when his Midazolam supplies arrived 🤣🤣🤣
ha ha ha
@@VoxisProductions
*Was that you who was drawing the stick figure!*
Love this opening! Hope you feel better man
How do you not have more subscribes? That's ridiculous. Your work is incredibly funny and quite accurate.
Dead space creature designs were more inspired from the thing
The story behind the designs is pretty gruesome, they essentially pieced the creatures together from pictures of real life automobile crashes and machinery accidents.
9:04 Wtf?
yep noticed that too. wonder what movies is this from...
Apparently the movie name is Daisy Diamond.
Has anybody know the name of the song at 4:53?
I've looked through the list at the end of the video, but to no avail.
Sounds like a generic instrumental of Micheal Jackson : Blame it on the boogie
Arrived a little late to the game, but this review KILLED me! I especially died with that little animated bit of the hand pushing an alien head back through a door and "locking" it with a bit of scotch tape! Funny as hell...
I try everyday to spread the word about Voxis Productions, I 'd liked to see him get as big as the Critical Drinker. I don't know if he wants that level of fame/subs. I've been here since around 3K something subscribers IIRC . 87K now ,about 600K to go to match CD currently :))). Try Sgt Ducky too, though he does not do film reviews . He is funny too.
Thanks buddy!
@@VoxisProductions I thank you for the provided great entertainment over the years.
Professor Toss-pot rules! LOL
I never get tired of watching this. Its definitively your masterpiece professor!
Found you! I've seen puppet clips used on other channels, and finally this popped up in a sidebar, today. Great stuff.
As much as I love your videos, this one is by far my favourite. This is one of the funniest videos I have ever seen, and I always piss myself laughing when I watch it.
I watch this about once a month. On this viewing, I noticed "SPLORT" when he's talking about the coked up writer. This video made me laugh....AGAIN! Thanks Professor for making videos that are far more nuanced than their review subjects.
I will say one thing that actually bugs me is that every one of these films revolves around a Ripley clone, which I don't think is a great idea at all. First off Ripley was written to be a man but was casted as a women instead, that means the original prospective is lost and lets face it the only other real thing to add here is the original Ripley was played by a freaking Legend of an actress that cannot be easily cloned or dumped down and still keep its genius.
This is so witty and accurate... How are you not getting more views!!??
How have I just found this channel?! It's brilliant! I'll tell all my friends about it.
Lol! THIS.
Why have I never seen this channel before!?
How are you Professor? You’ve maintained radio silence for a while now.
A lot of bad stuff IRL. Working hard though friend.
@@VoxisProductions Oh dear. Sorry to hear that good Professor. Hope you get better soon.
"A nightmarish combination of sex and death like that time I took pcp at my aunt's funeral".
You sir just got another subscriber
What is the movie clip at timecode 1:33 from? Please consider labeling the clips with the name of the film they are from.
FINALLY THE SMACK IS BACK
You're hilarious. I'm subscribed
4:45 "Black shit's got you covered" is the best thing I've gotten out of the Alien franchise- period.
That brief clip of a cartoon just after the spoiler warning, what's that from? I know I've seen it before but I just can't remember where I've seen it.