Help Me, My Partner is in Limerence!
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- Опубліковано 7 сер 2024
- Hurray! What a joy to snuggle up to our beloved partner, who is obsessively and completely infatuated, and hardcore in love with... somebody else.
In this video, I hope to give you some compassion because that's a tough realization. My tip is to not try to compete with the Other - you will not win. It will only exhaust you even more. It sounds like a throwaway line, but just focus on yourself. Your partner has gone to la la land! You probably hardly recognize your normally kind partner. Maybe, they will come back, but maybe, you don't want them to come back. Either way, I really hope that you don't blame yourself. Take care of yourself as much as you can.
There's little hope for your partner, however, limerence does, eventually, wear off. It's a "temporary" state - it will not last. Try to educate yourself about limerence, on my channel, or with another professional source. While not trying to compete with the Other, you can "try" to educate your partner about limerence, and make them aware that this new person is probably not their Soulmate.
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[I offer personal counseling with a scheduled appointment, or on an "emergency" basis.
For my help, please contact me: fennavdberg@hotmail.com]
Hello!
My name is Fenna van den Berg, I am a certified coach and counselor. I have worked in the mental health field for over 25 years.
Having been through episodes of Limerence, I have "earned my stripes" to help others with their recovery. I understand the obsession and suffering of Limerence. My passion is being able to share with you, and all limerents, a guided-way forward on your journey of healing. We do this through discovering and practicing self-love and compassion.
As someone who has suffered through limerence, I have developed effective coaching for people with limerence. My Coaching has helped countless have a more purposeful life, and I want to help you. We will work together, so that you may have a life more in line with your values and integrity.
Together, we are blossoming a community of friendly people with the same debilitating feelings and experiences of Limerence. Here, we share with, support, and nurture each other in giving love to ourselves, perhaps for the first time.
When you’re ready to end your pain and suffering from seeking the "Other," I’m here to guide you in recognizing your true lovable self, with compassionate teaching, counseling and also private coaching.
For my help, please contact me: fennavdberg@hotmail.com
My editor is the best!! : Heymel Visual
Graphics: Studio Ilse van Klei ilsevanklei.nl/
My partner of 39 years left our family the
day after my birthday to “jump on the ledge” (his LO only left her husband 9 months later).
This was after a year of gaslighting me and doing the “only friends” routine.
He was later horrified and jealous that I embarked on another relationship.
Entitlement, denial, ego and lack of compassion or empathy are just a few of the features here. He’s also tried to blame me for the ending and other things.
Three years in, I think cracks are appearing in the LA, but he’ll be too proud to admit it.
Thank you for the insights in your videos as there is not much helpful material out there on this phenomenon. 🙏🏻
7 months into my Wife leaving for her LO and they are in the 3rd stage, destruction. She shows lots of sings of coming out of it. She remembers good times with me again and our 3 son's. She is seeing that her LO is not what she thought.
Patience and loneliness is the worst. Marriage Helper has helped me stay strong through it. Thank you as well.
Devaluing the spouse is a perfect description. He became a monster, totally unrecognizable. He humiliated and disrespected me.
Unfortunately that's usually the case 😕
Mine did exactly the same thing
This was my last straw in a difficult marriage. He got involved emotionally with a new client online during lockdown. He couldn’t wait to cause fights to get away from me and pursue his fantasy.
It backfired miserably for him in every way.
He was not a good partner and I’m beyond relieved he set me free for his fantasy.
It sounds like he chose her over you? It doesn't sound like a fantasy to me... I'm sorry you went through this but sometimes it works out for the best to choose a different partner. My ex-husband did the same thing.
0:35 "if you think that your partner is limerent for someone else..." I found that to be funny in a sad way. Yes my wife filed for divorce in February and moved into his house 1600 miles away in April. We are nowhere near being divorced due to the slow courts. By the time that we get to divorce court, I would not be surprised that their relationship is over.
Limerence is evil turned my husband into an unrecognizable individual. Left me and kids and started vilifying me just a different hateful person. So sad!
@@followingfenna How do you know it is limerence and not an all out affair where someone has deliberately chosen another person to continue their life with? Not everything is limerence is it?
@@followingfenna When did this phenomenon of limerence become a term that psychologists used in their practices? When my ex and I went to therapy no one ever mentioned anything about limerence and how to protect myself or "wait it out". They just looked at it as he as an unfaithful partner. What is the difference between an "affair" (whether physical or emotional, doesnt matter which one) and a "limerence". It almost seems like the word "limerence" is used as a euphemism to soften the egregious nature of an "affair". (Hartelijk bedankt voor jouw videos)
@@beegee5305 The term was coined in the 1970 by the psychologist Dr Dorothy Tennov. Far too few LMFT's are educated on the topic. Some people refer to it as a person addiction, but, it's moe like an addiction to your own neurotransmitters like Dopamine and Adrenaline. There are people who are limerent, but, aren't actually with their limerent object. There is both extreme highs and lows in limerence. Many affairs are fueled by limerence because the affair partners can't be together, due to another relationship. It's a really vicious cycle that I wish on no one. I am talking as someone who was once limerent and now I have a husband who is limerent. I would not be here, waiting my husband's limerence out, if I had not gone through it myself. I also think that limerence education should be a part of marriage counseling.
@@brinselyseven5530 I am going thru this right now I was once the one in limerance and now my husband is 😢
I know how you feel
Thank you for your videos we need more like this for people who are dealing with a spouse or partner that was left with the devastation of Limerence outside of the relationship.
I feel like I’m going through this now. I don’t recognise my ex fiancé anymore
My husband divorced me after 22 years for my sister in law who he says is his soul mate, the person he was meant to be with. She is a narcissist so she is totally encouraging him telling him she loves him. He is flying her all over the world, taking her on all the trips we have been on over our marriage. He was diagnosed with limerance but says he doesn’t agree with the doctor.
Sounds like limerence indeed. Also the denying.
I'm so sorry for you. Best thing you can do is take care of yourself now.
Thank you Fenna! I can't share my story bc I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of myself. Some day I'll share it with you. In the meantime I'm watching ALL your videos, it's my only hope!
He’s def devalued me. I accused them of an affair and he’s adamant they’re just friends but so many things that suggest they’re more than that and cross lines.
They are maybe having an emotional affair, in any case it is bothering you , this friendship and therefore not healthy.
My ex BF, after 2 years of being together and we had been having a lot of fun in our relationship. his limerence started taking hold, he would invite her to all his work "outings" (as not to look like real dates) but also took her to lunches, dinners, day trips to the wine country with his buddies...I confronted him after one outing where I could't get a hold of him on the phone all nite, after he said earlier that we were going to go to a pizza party (but never went to). A couple months previous to that he had stopped staying at my place every nite, he said that he had to get bills and things done at his house etc. Not saying that she stayed over his house, but he didn't have to be accountable any more in the late evenings. (He had been living at my place for the previous 2 years). We went to 4 different therapists. He kept wanting to go to a different one to find one who would actually 'side' with him and make me understand how he was just bringing his "friend" who he said was more like a "little sister" being that she was 20 years his junior (she was 24, he was 45). When I said I needed to be a "priority" he would tell therapists that he treated everyone "equally" ... well, even if that were the goal and remotely okay, that wasn't true, he treated the object of his limerence with preferential treatment. (cliff note: unfortunately I had to leave the dysfunctional relationship. It has been years but it still causes me pain and grief just thinking about it, I was so in love with him).
It sounds like you have him as a LO, or else you wouldn't be here with all of us. Welcome! We all get these experiences at some point or another. Maybe the first thing to do is ask yourself thoroughly if you or the ex has a pattern of falling into limerence. If life feels unmanageable because of this situation you're in, I'd suggest seeking further support.
It's sometimes difficult to tell who is limerent for whom. Perhaps your ex was originally limerent for you.
In your situation I might ask myself questions regarding the original relationship such as (and I am learning and healing as well):
-Did my relationship with this person develop very quickly?
-Was there some "magic" that was there and then went?
-Do I feel there was never closure?
-Do I know they are not right for me but want to be with them anyway?
-Did the relationship actually feel secure while I was in it or was there a push-pull dynamic with them that never felt guaranteed in my heart of hearts? (This one can be really subtle but I just think of feelings and trends)
There are deeper questions that can get more specific, but maybe try asking yourself these things and write it down in a private journal. I'll probably respond if you reply, but please do not feel pressured to share details or feelings if you feel uncomfortable. I find myself ruminating too much about the LO and I find it's usually when life is at one of the extremes. Either you're elated and want to share those feelings with the LO or life is really rough at a particular point in time and the allure of the imagined relationship being a panacea for life's ills.
Wish you the best!
My wife went Limerent with a coworker for a 3 year spell & when I found out the other man snapped out of the spell & broke up with her. I’ll admit it was part my fault, after giving birth my wife went off the rails by kicking me out of the marriage bed & she went on a $$$ spending frenzy, With zero sex & huge credit card $bills$ I lost my temper and yelled at her. I did not realize a husband is not allowed to lose his temper & if he does the wife has a green light to go limerent with another dude. Life in the married zone, it’s awesome until it’s not.
Oh, the wounds...many years old now. Email's with 'obsession, compulsion, infatuation'. But they didn't yet devalue me and that gave me hope. I didn’t even know for months.I lifted weights, exercised incessantly, drank tons of coffee, and read Seneca, Epictetus, and Marcus Aurelius. She came around and ultimately dropped the limerent object.
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Amazing work. Thanks for explaining and helping many who experienced this state of mind!
And on this topic I am in this state for which I didn’t even know existed for over five years. But….during the first two three I was ready to leave my family and go with her. That changed but the actualization and realization are slow process. Thanks a lot!
Best advice thank you. Look after yourself.
My ex lied so much and was secretive, and still is. She jumped off the edge and was even disfellowshipped from her religious organisation for her activities with her new man. Strangely we seperated although still married because of her spiritually. He comes along and does more damage than i ever did but as you might of guessed it....I'm the bad guy...🤔. Infact I'm the bad guy for still loving her deeply... go figure.
My partner went from normal to limerent in a span of a month and a half with her colleague at her new job, they love each other, want to get married, it got so intense that they even had sx. Happened over the festive season and I found out on my birthday. It's painful, it's confusing because this is not who she is.
@@followingfenna she asked for a month break to work on her feelings. We'll be seeing each other again and hang out in a month. She was the most wonderful person to me, most loving, caring, even during her limerence stage she treated me like a boyfriend, took me out on my birthday and always treated me when we were together and said multiple times she loves me and genuinely expressed how sorry she is and hates to see me in such pain, she said she hates herself for hurting me and wants to make it work again but she can't help having feelings for her colleague. If we break up when we see each other again, what is the chances of us ever getting back together again?
@@followingfenna Yes, I'm glad I'm learning this thanks to you. I'm being patient and understanding. I will when we do meet if we meet, have a good time going out, doing things we did together when all was still good. I will ask her if she wants to still be in this relationship and if not that I understand and respect her choice. I will apologize to her for neglecting her feelings, that she should not hate herself and that I still love her and want her to be happy and if she ever change her mind, that I'll be open to try again. I want that her to think of me when she gets out of Limerence to give us another try.
He won’t want to be educated. He says they’re just friends but they do everything together and he’s so defensive of her.
It sounds like limerence indeed. I wish you all the luck in the world.
How can you combat and turn around the vilification. Even though I think the limerence is wearing off she still believes all the rubbish she told herself about me and our relationship. She isn't going to want to come back unless there is some way to undo the vilifying of me that she has done.
Thank you
I had this situation when my husband started seeing an escort. He was completely gone and we ended up divorced. It didn’t end well, he ended up dying from his addictions that got worse after this.
My husband also left me for his LO that started out as an escort hire. Isn’t prostitution still illegal here? Anyway, I am sorry you have had to deal with this too.
1. Have you found that it takes longer for a LE to end when the LO does not and has never reciprocated?
2. Also, I know each person is different, but do you have any guidelines on when I can start to see REAL acceptance of reality once NC was put in place? He has been NC with her since March 31, 2022.
3. If the LO reached out to me over a year ago to make sure I knew that she was in no way on board with this and had no idea just how deep this had gotten for him. He didn't fully disclose to her, but only told her that his wife suspected something was going on and was going to make him quit his job..... Would it ever be a good idea to make him aware she told me these things? I had not considered it before, but now that he is in a new job, I have to wonder if it would do him good to hear it.
Unfortunately I knew nothing about limerence back when it happened to my BF. Nor did the therapists apparently. If I had known that the limerence would eventually pass, I would have told him that I needed time off, and spend my time looking for another possible soulmate. And if after a year we still missed each other and the limerent object was gone, then okay maybe it could work out. But I didn't know this cycle back then. I only saw it for what it was at the time, an emotional affair, which it was. Which brings up a question... what is the difference between an "affair" (whether physical or emotional) and "limerence" ??
Limerence is just a fancy word for being in love. Sometimes that feeling wears off and sometimes it blossoms into a real relationship.
genuine question: as you are quite an attractive woman and are therapist that deals with limerance...has any of your clients ever fallen for you and revealed that you were their LO?
@@followingfenna how do you do that if you don't mind me asking? Do you stop taking them on as clients?
How long does limerence last
At last the average period
My wife is in limerance, and is in the crystallization stage, how long on average does this stage last up to 2 years? 3 months? Is it based on the person?
@@followingfenna we have kids so we are always talking about them only, she moved out and in with him, we are almost finizalied on the divorce
My wife is total in Love With a earlier friend of mine. She is Not comming away from him. He is the man of her best Girl friend. My wife normally would never do that, but she is so addicted to him. Is this Limerence? I am now Out from Home and we are seperated. But i try to communicate smart With her, Most about our children. I will stand For this marriage and will wait For her. I concentrate of mine and try to will be the best version of mine. Its total crazy, because His wife is the sister of the Brother in law of my wife. IT destroys the whole Family, but they cannot Stop this. So i think IT only could be Limerence and i have to be Patient. I can forgive her all , because i love her unconditionally. But yes IT hurts
But they are Not only emotional connected, they sleep together
@@followingfenna Do you think that this is Limerence or how i can find Out If its so?
My wife has never had a job in her life she also has a 5 year old with me. Last week she was with me told me she loves me was crying for me when we found out she met a guy online because of my neglect. She went to her parents for the weekend telling me she blocked him which she did and then she unblocked him when she went told me she loves me she misses me and is sorry for everything then goes out with him and has been the meanest coldest person ever even though 3 days ago she said she was coming back. She told me she’s getting an apartment in 2 weeks and we’re done. The guy told her he’ll kill himself if she leaves him cause she told him she wants to make it work for her family. He’s our age he has 2 duo’s a bunch of speeding tickets and 2 violence cases. She can’t even work she doesn’t have the energy to do it. I feel like he’s using her and using her and manipulating her. I feel so bad for her she feels like he’s everything.
I doubt he’s gonna put her in a 2 bedroom and deal with a boy who isn’t his. Apparently he told her his ex had two kids and he loves kids. He’s gonna keep stringing her along. I was always the person to give her the best advice but this time she didn’t listen. It’s also my fault cause I neglected her but we did agree that we were gonna fix that and we were moving back to the city where her close friends are. Best of luck to her, she’s at more of a loss than I am.
@@followingfenna i dont think hes going to be able to give her what he is promising her, he might not pull through with his promises. Would that help get her out of limerance?
@@followingfenna can you rephrase that?