Hannah's Borderline Personality Disorder | Dr Syl's Analysis
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- Опубліковано 21 лис 2024
- In this video, Dr Syl reacts and reflects on the video 'My friend with Borderline Personality Disorder by the channel Special Books by Special Kids. Dr Syl discusses the cause, the treatment, and the challenges of suffering from a 'borderline' personality structure.
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I was diagnosed with BPD at 27. I am 30 in a few months. My life has changed dramatically since I got my diagnosis, for the better. I just want to let anyone reading this know that there is hope. I felt finally seen and like I wasn't crazy because I had a treatment plan which made sense to me given my symptoms. Having a diagnosis helped me relook at my life through the lens of BPD and helped me realise I am not a monster or even a bad person- I am a sensitive person who very bad things happened to and in order to survive I learnt to behave in certain ways. I'm fortunate enough to have access to a great psychologist and a great psychiatrist which saved my life. If you have access to professional care you owe it to yourself to try get better. You are worth it and you are worth having a bright future. Don't give up! I have been fighting this war since early teens and only now, at the age of 30 do I see the light...you can do it too.
BPD in males is stupid your doctor is a moron, sorry you had to find out this way get better help!
What an awesome story, thank you for sharing and great job with working on yourself. You are definitely not a bad person.
As someone diagnosed with asd and ADHD I heavily relate to some of what she's saying when it comes to the emotional dysregulation and inability to stop overreacting in the moment even when I can tell I'm overreacting... 😢
I really appreciate you bringing up the fact that people will “diagnose themselves or others they don’t like” with BPD. It feels like a slap in the face because I work so hard to just be okay some days and to relate to others in a healthy way.
One thing we need to take in consideration is that all personality disorders are on the spectrum: from mild, moderate and severe. Therefore not all folks are equal. For instance, she says that when she lashes out does not mean to hurt others intentionally, which in her case may be true. Yet , there are BPD folks in the moderate/severe spectrum (malignant BPD) that have comorbidities with other personality disorders (ASPD, NPD, and Histrionic, which is what conforms the cluster B category), and then the intentions of harming others are quite intentional and calculated.
For instance, I have worked professionally and dealt personally with folks under the cluster B category, and let me tell you something…they cause major mayhem in people’s lives. I mean, they devastate and destroy everything and everyone in their path (including their own children, family members and strangers), which makes these folks quite dangerous to society, and they have to be handled with highly specialized help.
Like I said, every personality disorder is on the spectrum, and not every single person who has BPD falls under the malignant category, yet we gotta take precaution and be aware of the situation, and treat every single client case by case with care and compassion, yet staying objective and alert.
Love this.. unfortunately, but fortunately for giving this info as i just watched a video on the comorbitities with other same cluster personalities or what not.
Case by case..🎉🎉
I feel compassion and empathy for her.I think to myrself “ yeah I might be able to help validate her emotions and ride out the wave“, but how do you balance that with your own boundaries? I don’t typically hang out with people who get 100 out of 100 angry at me. How do you help and still feel like you’re respecting yourself?
It’s nice to hear from someone who has experienced the behavior. I was definitely thinking that the original video oversimplified things. It’s not just about how other people view BPD It’s far more complicated. It’s not like all the difficulty stop just because you realize mental illness doesn’t make someone a monster
@flawed1 plz don't think there is no way to be helpful and keep healthy boundaries, there totally is ❤️ it might not be true with everyone who has a personality disorder, sometimes you do have to cut ties, but it certainly can be done.
The key is starting with self work. Be sure you are confident with setting and maintaining boundaries to begin with.
With someone with a personality disorder, especially with bpd, it might be helpful to reassure, but not indulge. What I mean by that is, for example if they ask if you're ok, you might be tempted to say something like "yeah I'm fine" and dismiss their worry, thinking it will appease them. But it might be more helpful to say something like "I'm upset but I don't feel like talking about it right now, can we have this conversation at another time?" Or even "I'm not leaving you I just need some time to process things and I'll get back to you a little later."
For emotional stuff, I guess, whatever you do, don't invalidate what they're feeling. Being told your emotions or your experiences are not real or don't matter is something those people deal with on a daily basis and it can bring a strong sense of "nobody cares about how I feel". Just let them know "I hear what you're saying" or "Your feelings matter".
If they persist it's always ok to put a stop to the conversation and let them know "This is too far, I don't accept (x words or behavior) and I'm walking away". Just thought I'd say, cause a lot of the time people tend to test and push boundaries and that can feel invalidating. But your boundaries and your need for space are always valid. And of course, as validating and uplifting as you wanna be, draw the line at personal attacks, those are absolutely not ok and not justifiable.
I think it's more about being understanding of the person feeling a certain way and stating it but not condoning whatever is out of line.
You can tell them that you understand it's not easy for them to deal with their emotions, but you can also remind them that you have your own emotions to deal with. That whatever they say can be upsetting to you, what's tricky is wording your need for a personal space without triggering their fear that now are abandonning them. You can also tell them you're not a therapist and therefore not the best person to handle their emotions. That you are afraid to do harm by saying something awkward etc. But do try to give genuine advice to find the help they need. Mind their situation, difficulties, recommend associations that can help them get the care they need, help them to get in touch with whatever therapist they need by indicating where to find them if you can, and do support all their attempts at doing so.
You'll have to listen to their pain too a bit. Because it's extremely therapeutical to externalize one's sadness and anxiety. But that doesn't mean you have to do it everytime, and it's fine to state it. You can also say that you're not good at handling it.
I've had someone overshare their traumas in my DMs a few times and it took me a while to figure how to phrase everything in a way that wouldn't do more harm. Their traumas was extremely upsetting to me, it was horrible and I told them that it was degrading my own mental state and that I do struggle with emotions and mood disorders etc, so I can only listen to so much. And that I'm not a therapist and cannot handle such themes, have no idea what to say and am afraid to do harm but I understand that they needed serious help with their trauma and that they needed to process it with someone actually qualified to do it, and that if it gets really bad, they can ask for hospitalization, if they don't want to be hospitalized, they can still use the psychiatric emergencies department, and that if they go willingly they can also most likely leave willingly contrary to a forced hospitalization. And that it's also genuinely a good plan during a tough time because there is trained personnel available for them all throughout their stay.
FYI - therapeutical isn’t a word
@@beebee4334please dont say that all person's with BPD is like your sibling. That's VERY dangerous to do. As with almost all others diagnoses, they are all very different and individual. Many of us also have other disorders/diagnoses
I have Austim too. And alot of other diagnoses. My BPD always showed itself as always being not worthy, no self esteem at all, never ever would i put myself over anyone ever, and I always ended up being with really REALLY horrible people cuz I always let everyone do whatever they pleased to me if they just loved me a bit, or if they were nice to me
I was never violent, rude or that kind of stuff, only to myself. I was just so desperate for love and to not be alone. So at most o was annoying cuz I could be clingy.
Now I have been in treatments, and worked super hard on myself, so now I'm not bothered by it almost at all, again, that's through years of hard work.
So no everyone are like your sibling. Some can be very abusive and some are abusive to themselves. And both of them need boundaries. Never allow someone to hurt you, especially not when it gets serious and makes your life and happiness suffering!
But also try to be respectful and kind and try to do what you can, if you feel like the relationship is worth it! And if you aren't seriously hurt physically or mentally, then leave right away!
You can absolutely be validating and still have boundaries. And there is also ALOT of help for relatives or friends of people with BPD and such to get skills and knowledge to be able to deal with it. I really suggest you to find that help!
Please dont judge, be kind to yourself and others, and treat others like you want to be treated!
She points out a true issue, when you tell someone you have a psychiatric condition the relationship changes, because you start thinking about he or she rethinking everything he or she knows or thinks about you in the light of what you think of yourself (internalized stigma). And you start feeling that subtile paternalistic or distant quality in his or her voice that maybe is all in your head and eventually you yourself become cold and distant or childish and dependent. I am Italian, I hope I've written an understandable thing 😊
THIS. Yes. This is so, painfully true.
You're in a moral dilemma, cause you want to warn, protect, and be transparent with them.....
But in doing so, you also open the door for this situation to occur.
I'm saying this a someone with BPD and who has BPD due to a parent with BPD's abuse:
Abuse does NOT have to be intentional and planned out AND people with BPD shouldn't be demonised can both be true
That’s an interesting way of putting it. “Does not HAVE to be..”. But it can be, right? I love how borderlines like to sell the story that they’re just a leaf in a stream…. Powerless against the inevitable direction of the flow. The reason borderline abuse isn’t always intentional is because it’s their natural state, and default setting. They abuse without thought, except when they abuse with total clarity for the purpose of strategy.
@@TheForbinExperiment Mate where did I say abuse can not be planned... That's like if someone claimed that group assualt can't be planned when that's nonsense I wasn't spefically taking about people with BPD being abusive in that phrase. And no people with BPD being agressive and controlling is not a "default setting" for the majority of us unless you are seeing being in cry for help/attach response as abusive by default...
@@fleurboisvert8816 it is the default state for borderlines. They are abusive and they’re manipulative - they choose when and how to deploy it. All the fancy psychiatric talk aside, BPD is code for next level bullying. We don’t give domestic abusers, or sociopaths a free pass - and neither should Borderlines. In the same way I’ll tell my daughters to walk the second they see an inkling of violence from a male; I’ll be telling my sons to leave the second they get a sniff of a borderline female. The insidiousness of borderlines is that they shapeshift in seconds, and the damage they inflict is largely psychological - and no one gets to see that save the victim. At least domestic abusers who resort to violence leave visible marks that people can see.
@@TheForbinExperiment I wrote does havee be intentional because of the sheer amont of abuse survivors who think they weren't/their abuse wasn't as valid as other's because it wasn't intentional; not because it has squat to do with BPD
@fleurboisvert8816 Not sure what you’re trying to say in that last message, I’m not following. But lest you miss my point, I’m saying borderlines wield abuse both intentionally and unintentionally. They do it to get their way, as it typically works. Until you figure them out of course. Once you’re familiar with the BPD playbook, it’s much easier to defend yourself.
I appreciate that she is working to improve her coping skills and recognize what’s happening for her during those episodes. I’ve been hurt very badly by friends later diagnosed with BPD. I hope they’re working on it now, but I remember them rejecting their diagnosis and refusing to take accountability for the harm they’ve caused. It’s still important to recognize when you’re harming others, even if it’s coming from a maladaptive coping mechanism.
Ppo999p
I have bpd and yes, we definitely do have to have accountability for our actions. that's something I've learned to do and feel ashamed from my past actions and carry it with me every day. Unfortunately, it's something that comes with time, and I believe it gets better with age and experience. sometimes we have to make these mistakes to learn our lessons. I'm very sorry you went through that with your friends ❤
If you think they will ever change jokes on you
I'm sorry you feel this way, or that others have contributed to you feeling that way. A person may not change while they're still in your orbit, but I don't think it's fair to condemn them for life for trauma outside of their control. If we believe that people are incapable of change, or of improving their lot in life, then we are also condemning ourselves. @@susanthejew6351
I was diagnosed with BPD at 17, was chronically suicidal and couldn’t stay out of the hospital. I still struggle and I am still suicidal some days, but I am essentially in remission. Haven’t hurt myself in almost a year. Recovery is possible.
To me, the best video on borderline I've seen. Having the diagnose for nearly 20years, I recognize myself so well in this description from the woman🤔
While I understand people trying to stay away from us BPD sufferers, it is definitely discouraging to be reduced to nothing more than "manipulative", "always angry", "dangerous", "cheaters" etc. I know our minds focus way more on the bad than the good, but it would be nice if we could all have a look at how much of the BPD we already brought under control.
I grew up in a family where I was constantly being told that my emotions are wrong, my passions and achievements were ignored and being replied to with "whatever", and nothing I did ever mattered...unless it was bad of course. That was my childhood, teenhood, and then even went on in adult relationships and -environments later on. In my case this was already happening to me as a baby too, I have seen the footage of being yelled at by the parents whenever I was crying etc.
I grew up with all these wrong beliefs and bad habits in my system, and at some point I definitely noticed that I had to lie, manipulate, or use unhealthy ways of interacting with others to get any sort of "caring" response from them. I too developed excessive fears of abandonment, trust issues, etc. and kept constantly thinking that everything is wrong with me, as opposed to my birth-giver projecting crap onto me.
I was diagnosed in my early 30s; I will be 39 in December; and it was great, because I could finally stop thinking that I am not supposed to exist, or that what I have to say or think is just plain wrong. DBT therapy was not too special for me, and the group setup was definitely not helpful at all, because somebody would always hog the whole time and make it about themselves. However, I must say that I am counterphobic and that apparently I have been using forms of skills by myself already since forever. One good thing about being rejected everywhere is that you learn to keep yourself busy, so I did a lot of art, crafting, reading (especially self-help).
I still get into extremes, especially when I have a panic attack or a mental breakdown when I am being overworked or overloaded externally. However, I will usually not say anything, which is a great way to not end up manipulating anyone. I hyperventilate though, so I try to always have a little bag on me. I found that bullet journaling is nice as well, or playing videogames to let emotions out.
Personally I don't think my BPD is the fault of immediate people around me, nor is it mine. It's just something I was given / trained into by my birth-giver. She is the source of it, but I am not interested in playing the blame-game. All I can do is to try and make it milder and more manageable which technically isn't fair, but that's just the cards I have been dealt.
No use in manipulating other people or lying to them (in fact, I am very open and forward about my BPD), but there is also no point if I keep asking myself what I did wrong. This is on my birth-giver. She mishandled the situation way back by not seeking help for whatever (a lot, actually) was going on with her. But I also don't want to be stuck with this, so I just deal with it to the best of my abilities.
I think it would be nice if we all just stopped trying to blame and judge, and instead focused on the fact that some people do want to get better and they're working hard on it. And those are the people you should keep around. The ones that - for whatever reason - are not ready (yet) to get better, you don't 'have' to be around if you don't want to. But keep in mind that this is for everything, not just BPD. And people could very well also choose that you are 'that' person. Not because you have BPD, but maybe something else going on that is hard for them. Fair is fair, so treat others how you want to be treated.
The problem is, are you actually a reliable narrator? Were people actually that mean, or did you constantly misinterpret normal interactions as cruelty because you see everything through your fear of abandonment?
@@cl5470 They were actually mean and did certain illegal things even ^^°
@@cl5470such a rude question coming from someone who probably isn’t a psychiatrist or psychologist. “Were they actually mean or was it your ‘delusions’?” is almost equivalent in my eyes to “were you actually raped or you slept with someone and regretted it?” Take their words at face value when you don’t freaking know them 🙄
@cI5470 WOW. What are you, the Truth Police or something? Go touch some grass. Learn some decorum🤨
@@cl5470bpd is formed from actual trauma as well as genetics playing a role. so yes someone has to experience “actual” trauma in order to develop it. that’s how you get the fear of abandonment, trauma. weird ass question
Hey, Dr. Syl. I am a burgeoning mental health professional in the States. I appreciate your channel and content. Thank you for posting for us as your overviews and professional insights are immensely helpful to the community. I hope to be as good as you one day!
My ex-wife was diagnosed with BPD; she was diagnosed after our marriage ended, but once she told me, a lot of pieces fell into place. She would just get so angry out of seemingly nowhere; or really minor things would just set her off. When she was in an episode she could do things like call my boss at work and claim I was stealing; or she would yell loudly in our apartment, "don't hit me," in to get the neighbors to call the police, which would work sometimes, the irony being she was the one hitting me. I'm not a person that likes conflict, every incident I would withdraw further and further; I imagine that growing distance made it even worse. She described it to me similar to what Hannah said about being a passenger in a car in the video: "I'm standing in line and I can feel the anger coming. I try to hold it back and stop it, but I just have to let it out."
I imagine certain people might be able to handle being in a relationship with someone with BPD, they have the ability to help them, "ride it out." I'm definitely not that type of person that can handle it. I have my own mental health issues and emotional damage, even though the things she said were in an episode, they hurt just as much, and stuck with me long after.
I’m sorry you had to endure that. I went through the same thing - repeatedly. Once with a mother and sister and then in my first long term relationship. She would hit me, scream in my face, control my finances, verbally harass me, cheat on me, harass friends, family and neighbours, antagonise pets… the list was endless. The final straws for me all fell very closely together. She’d been passed over for a promotion at work, and was being investigated by her employer (a government agency) over a massive data breach - mass deletion of company records. She denied she had done anything (even to me). It was all a lie. She was so angry at not being promoted that she had copied large amounts of confidential information to a portable drive, and the set about deleting it all from the servers. We were on the verge of losing everything we had worked for. When I finally managed to convince her to return everything, I told her I was through. She threatened to call the police (again) and to say that I was beating her up (never touched her). I called her bluff(again) and retreated to my office and locked my door. Within the hour, 3 police were in our home - including one in my office with his hand resting in his gun. She put on an extremely convincing show for them, and I was removed from our house and had a temporary restraining order placed on me. And I had done nothing. Absolutely nothing, except tell her that I was leaving. It’s a frighteningly unnerving experience to be in your own home, watching your wife lie about domestic violence to a group of police officers, right in front of you. The feeling is of being totally powerless. And then after everything has settled down, being given the “… you know I have BPD, I wasn’t thinking clearly…”. BPDs know EXACTLY what they are doing.
I have bpd among a host of other things. Her video was amazing to me. She articulated a lot, if not all, the struggles I go through. Thank you for reacting to this video.
I’ve always been put off psychiatrists because of some personal reasons; but I know I could really use the support of medication. Watching videos like this really helps me gear up to reach out to a doctor.
thereapists talk about how much they hate bpd patients. I dont manipulate people and I dont have a new car
Hannah's car metaphor was a real experience I had with my BPD mother. I was the passenger, and she was the driver. What she described is exactly what happens when people with BPD are triggered while they are driving. Reckless driving, refusing to stop, threatening to drive head-on into a semi. Metaphors can play out in a literal way, sometimes.
As someone who was married to someone BPD abusive behaviors/actions DO make someone an abuser, no matter the intention. My children and I suffered immensely from his BPD and no amount of validation and tiptoeing around him helped. In the end he committed suicide and left even more destruction and trauma behind in doing so and now our youngest daughter displays signs of BPD despite me parenting her in a way her whole life that she should not have BPD, I’m hoping it’s trauma and that it can be resolved and not BPD because I don’t want her to suffer or for her to cause suffering of those around her.
I feel sorry for those with BPD but even more sorry for their loved ones who end up traumatized as a result of their person with BPD.
Your videos are the most well-articulated, unbiased and comprehensive representations of these conditions I've seen. While nephrology has always been my specialty, these videos have definitely peaked an interest in psych I didn't know I had.
And if you were wondering whether your side comments and discussions on your thought process as a diagnostician are helpful... they absolutely are! Super entertaining, engaging and thorough--you'd really be a great professor.
I think that an abusive or manipulative behavior is what it is regardless of the intention or reason behind it. Just admit something is manipulation when it is. Or something is abuse when it is. Even if it's because she is scared, that doesn't make something not manipulation
One could say that many disorders in the DSM are actually related to trauma, diagnoses like depression, anxiety disorders, BPD, antisocial personality disorder, avoidant personality disorder, PTSD etc. are often different manifestations of (deep) trauma. I believe. Maybe they should all be classified as trauma spectrum disorder.
That makes SO MUCH SENSE. As I heal my C-PTSD, my bipolar cycling has morphed into cyclothymia and gone into remission. Learning to tame lifelong insomnia and finally sleeping plus tons of therapy and 12 Step plus creating more structure has shown me that even I can heal, and that I'm not doomed to my diagnosis. I've moved my spot on that trauma spectrum by healing the trauma. It's been a slog, and I almost qualify for a senior discount but healing is worth everything if my last years can be more peaceful and less terrifying.
People with mental illness need to understand that if they want to get better they have to work hard, like the young woman in the video clearly has. I appreciate how Doc Syl emphasizes the importance of therapy, and that meds are to create the stability needed to fully participate in the therapy, to do the work. Healing mood and personality disorders is possible when the trauma and its symptoms are healed.
Some are simply genetic though. So that isn’t helpful and doesn’t explain all the nuances of mental illness and personality disorders…
I’m 37 and diagnosed at 30. Misdiagnosed at 17 with bipolar disorder. I am essentially in remission right now and have been for a couple years. I have put in so much work and have surrounded myself with supportive people and let go of those that judge me and treat me like garbage 🤷🏻♀️ I wholeheartedly agree with your statement about BPD starting in the first couple years of your life. My family life was great, but I was adopted and was told that at a very young age and was treated different by family even if they didn’t mean to. I never belonged
(My BPD stems from adoption trauma)
Hey! I'm a psychology student (I'm from Brazil) and your videos help me a lot. You are very empathetic! Thank you for the videos and for your empathetic stance in your comments.
Oh she hit my lane. I had an exhausting week taking my husband to urgent care for life saving treatment. He was a mess . I came home and promised him a treat. I brought him a special restaurant burger and his favorite shake . I went t to eat in the other room . The LDS came to the door , I yelled don’t answer it ! But as I rounded the corner they were asking my husband to say a prayer to Judea or Jesus or some bullsht . I screamed ‘Fuck off’ and slammed the door in their face . He thought they were friends come to visit him . I explained if they can convert him to LDS, they can also solicit him for money and if he joins the church , he is obligated to pay . His dementia blocked his ability to see they were using him . Felt awful !
Thank you Dr. Syl for trying to see the humanity in the borderline patient. I like your approach of seeing them when they were a neglected baby/child, because the vast majority of us were. It is remarkable to me how commonly people think they're affecting change by criticizing the behaviors when in actuality by minimizing the problem to simply unwanted behaviors, they are perpetuating the problem. Abandoned children often have their needs minimized and their opinions dismissed, being demonized is its own form of abandonment. I'm not disputing that the behaviors aren't wrong, but that BPD symptoms don't come out of nowhere. It is my opinion that the vast majority of BPD sufferers should also be diagnosed with PTSD, because most of us suffered severe trauma at an early age.
The term BPD has been thrown around a lot in my life, which is why I watched this video. The stigma is real for BPD patients. I had one therapist describe those who suffer with BPD as "female sociopaths." I've had doctors turn me away because they saw "personality disorder" on my chart.
Not every BPD person expresses themselves the same. I have never self harmed and have always had a fairly secure sense of who I was as an individual. I have always feared abandonment however, and when I was in my late teens/early twenties I struggled to understand what a health relationship looked like. I did things in those early relationships I deeply regret. I did eventually go through a DBT course (twice), and learned distress tolerance and interpersonal skills that were never mirrored for me when I was a child. At this point, my chart shows my BPD in remission, so there is hope. But while I did climb the mountain, I didn't do it alone. I needed support persons encouraging me, and healthcare providers who believed in me. I have been lucky to have both.
I was in a relationship with a girl who had BPD. It was impossible to read what sort of mood she might be in. When I said I wanted to leave she made various threats. Eventually I was assaulted and she was charged.. She was highly intelligent and funny but completely unpredictable. Once she was locked into negative mode, nothing I did or said would have any effect. it was frightening at times. There still doesn't seem to be a targeted medication for BPD. Which is a shame.
This is an incredibly insightful comment. I appreciate your uncritical account of the events and her behaviours without attacking her as a person, despite the fact that these experiences would have likely been quite traumatic. Your kind compassionate nature is obvious 💜
@@36paris Thank you. The partner has to accept that levels of anger are due to illness not choice.
@@michaelford3391 BPD person here. And I agree that a partner should keep that in mind but also should not put up with any behaviour that is considered abusive just because the person inflicting it has a disorder. It’s not your fault that they have this illness either. Take care of your own well-being first. Much love 💜
and this is precisely why we have the negative stigma's around BPD, it's so maladaptive that it really really hurts us that just want to care for someone we love.
@@36paris that was the problem - how much was BPD and how much was just sheer aggressive nastiness and blackmail. I don't know how I managed to stay. Threats of suicide I guess.
The amount of people who are autistic with pda profile who are misdiagnosed with BPD is shocking, especially if they have ADHD too (good old rsd). This can lead to people receiving the wrong treatments and feeling like they can never get better.
Agreed. I have both, and it crushes me that people insist it must be bpd at all cost and those people are evil and whatnot.
Agreed!
This video was very helpful to watch. I have bpd and have had therapy, but i still struggle now and then. Fortunately i have a very good network of good people around me, so i feel blessed. You seem like a very kind and calm person - thank you for showing kindness and understanding to everyone!
Love yr video content. How often has C-ptsd been misdiagnosed as BPD? Esp pre 2015. Ive been mis-diagnosed with BPD for 18 years and recently re-diagnosed C-ptsd. Bec im in UK they wont remove the BPD! Ive never agreed with this BPD diagnosis. Theres so much negative stigma associated with BPD too. When i go into hospital for physical illness the nurses are scared of me bec of my bpd diagnosis, yet im a gentle soul whose suffered trauma yet they treat me badly. Its terrible and so unfair.
I have actually been diagnosed as both C-PTSD as well as quiet BPD. It is possible to be both. My anger goes inward and not outward. Self hate. You can see what kind of BPD you have. My lifelong friend was surprised I was diagnosed BPD. She didn’t understand that not all anger outward, as it has a general stigma to those who don’t understand. I suffer from a lot of self hate and suicidal ideation.
You don't have to be INTENTIONALLY abusive to be abusive. My former best friend for almost 10 years has BPD, and she was extremely emotionally abusive to me, manipulated me constantly, and was very predatory. She made me feel like no one but her would ever put up with me, and did everything she could to make me never leave her. Again, INTENTION has nothing to do with abuse. You're an abuser or you're not, regardless of how you mean to act.
true but if someone with bpd gets treatment and works thru it they can fix these abusive patterns. i don’t want to hurt people around me because of my delusions and impulsivity and i’m actively working on myself and going to therapy. i feel like there’s a difference between someone whose abusive because of their bpd and someone who enjoys inflicting pain upon other people. i don’t disagree that impact matters more than intent, but at least coming from someone who has bpd and has been abused i think there’s a big distinction between someone who wants to and enjoys abusing you vs someone who does it unintentionally out of fear and being stuck that survival state they were in when they were enduring trauma cuz at least there’s some remorse with someone with bpd. my abuser fully laughed in my face when i tried to speak abt what they put me through and that was almost more painful than the abuse, to find that they thought it was amusing. i don’t think i could ever do something like that, when i’ve hurt someone i listen and do what they need me to do to improve and i apologize, i don’t laugh
Perpetrators can always get help. The issue is that they often do not.
I think the issue is more that people assume that EVERYONE with BPD is like that. There is no Abuser Disorder; people with and without mental illness do all of that things. You're experience is valid and you deserve to be heard, but its important to distinguish that BPD did make your friend an abuser. She was abusive because she treated you like that. She could've gotten help, she could've chosen to listen to you and change her behavior, she could've chosen other ways to gain your affection and loyalty, but she chose to lean into abusive behavior.
You are right though; you don't have to be intentionally abusive to be committing abusive behavior. However, in my opinion, it's the accountability and actual drive to change that distinguishes between a toxic abuser and someone struggling to do better. I say this as someone who has been both.
The thing is also that everyone can be an abuser
I think it's also worth shifting our mindset from seeing people as abusers whole cloth to people who are abusive to others, or who behave abusively. That way, at least semantically, we leave the door open for them to change and grow.
My girlfriend had told me she was diagnosed with BPD a while ago and as someone who is very interested in how certain disorders affect the people who have them I feel like I understand her so much better. I feel better prepared for the rough days that may occur when I move in with her. She really is such a kind person.
Shes lovely and i hope she can find peace and full trust and support within, and outside of herself, one day ❤
That was amazing, thank you.
I'm alienated from my step daughter who is 13. Her mother is hiding her. Her mother has BPD. She's scary. She's always angry.
I'm so scared for my step daughter and that she'll also have BPD one day.
I really wish we could move away from the "personality" part of the label in general, not just for BPD.
It just feels like it implies your personality, who you are as a person, is the problem, rather than it being a disease.
I see it in the way that the disorder affects your personality, not necessarily that your personality is the problem
It also assumes the whole personality is disordered rather than just parts of it... maybe it could be renamed like borderline response disorder of something.. do you have any ideas on improved names?
my first thought was replacing "personality" with just "affect" but then the acronym becomes BAD lol
@@DrSyl I've heard it called "emotional intensity disorder", since it's a disorder where emotional responses are very intense and hard to control.
In the UK/Europe it is referred to as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. Dont really think its any better lol
Her mention of the reckless driving with oblivious disregard to its - potentially lethal - impact on others is revealing. It’s an issue that’s pertinent to a variety of disorders and personality types. Irrespective of fault (illness isn’t a choice), it’s extremely problematic to have a significant number of drivers out there who are entirely self-absorbed and engaging in risky road behaviour. Given the complex factors involved, no straightforward resolution is ever likely to manifest.
It's tough - you can have a behaviour that's in keeping with your emotional state that isn't intended to abuse someone primarily, but it can still be abusive behaviour, intention or not.
We had a lot of problems with a friend in our group who has BPD who would constantly try to trigger one other friend's eating disorder, and would physically attack her and her boyfriend because he felt threatened by their relationship. She ended up in a very bad state and had to cut him off to begin to recover herself, and of course, he took it terribly and retaliated on her boyfriend.
I don't think everyone with BPD will behave this way, but it's hard to think that there wasn't any intention behind his actions, because he used to laugh and find it so funny to hurt her..
I've still kept in touch with him, and he's gone through a string of girlfriends thats he's treated very badly, one of whom sadly took her own life after two years of being with him. I still hope that most people with BPD can end up in a much better place than him. He ended up in in-patient a few times after being sectioned, but he is very against having any help or therapy.
I've always wondered if BPD was the right diagnosis for him, because he seemed to enjoy hurting people more than just feeling very strong emotions and acting accordingly. I'm no expert, but he did get diagnosed very young (about 14 if I remember correctly).
A good balanced account of the not-so-benign BPD, together with compassion. Reckless driving associated with out-of-control emotions or with psychosis/medication side effects is unforgivable.
Men are not diagnosed with BPD as often as women.
Cognitive therapy is difficult. It is like going to class; not group therapy.
that is tragic, a very important counter point.
I was thinking of this too, unintentional manipulation/name calling/verbal abuse is still abuse, and if the person with BPD is not working on improving themselves and trying to get the help they need, one day their person will eventually have enough. I had a bit of an enlightening moment when Dr. Syl mentioned substance abuse can look like BPD - my friend (who has been diagnosed and treated for BPD) had her talk therapy terminated as she was doing better, but eventually she started drinking heavily on an almost daily basis. I feel things just spiralled out of her control completely, and it wasn't her symptoms anymore, I felt there was malice and disregard for my feelings and the reason for that was the excessive alcohol. She refused psychotherapy because she felt it was going to push her into worklife and she wasn't ready or willing. I just felt like she was choosing her disorder instead of life, and I wasn't doing her any favours by staying and accepting this. I don't believe BPD by itself is "evil" or whatever but in order to maintain healthy, lasting relationships, you have to be willing to get help and strive for healthier behaviours as well.
Can you do a video that compares and contrasts BPD and Complex PTSD? There are a lot of overlapping characteristics that are confusing. Thank you!
I did enjoy this video she's very knowledgeable about her behavior, thoughts and patterns of behavior. Sometimes it can take a lifetime to get to that point. I would like to know more about the prognosis of BPD in seniors because l don't agree with the statement that burn out comes with age. Triggers don't have numbers!
Oh my gosh, I'm about to cry listening to all the ways she self harms bc I do the same things. 😢 I've never felt my emotions thru my skin, but negative emotions manifest in anxiety attacks for me, especially if it's too overwhelming and I struggle to breath. Anger manifest in the need to scream at the top of my lungs and sadness makes my mind blank. I can sit for hours thinking about nothing or how awful I am.
A thing that scares me a lot is that the terminology and the talk around bpd is so pejorative that for sure, it's gotta shape the perception people have of themselves and that is really not helpful to getting treatment/getting better. For me the bpd traits I had mostly went away after a few years but my other traits are still very present. The people I know who have been diagnosed and gone to therapy have this tendency to talk about themselves in such a negative light that it affects their mental health. Just an example "I tend to go through this cycle of getting obsessed with something and researching everything about it and I get so excited about it and it's just not good. Oh god I'm such a mess" and just centering the talk around "obsession" and "strong emotions" and whatnot while really, the action of following a very strong interest is not bad in itself, it's only when it becomes detrimental to health and responsibilities that it becomes a bad thing. And while it can be easy to let it go out of control for some people, it doesn't mean they should stop themselves from following their interests. But I noticed diagnosed people tend to just have a pejorative vocabulary around the behaviors were taught are bad or undesirable traits, regardless of it they're actually productive and helpful for them or not. And it's also the way it gets talked about by outsiders looking in.
I’ve just recently subscribed to your channel lately! Really enjoying your content and your perspective on things
Thank you!!
This is so intriguing. The abandonment scare is crippling for so many people. Even if you are in a dysfunctional romantic relationship, the fear of abandonment can override an abusive relationship.
I love your videos. Very informative. Very compassionate. You will make a good Psychiatrist.
I really felt it when the lady described about professionals shutting down and not wanting to help. However professionals have to maintain a distance and set a boundary. This is where I feel traditional therapy fails. My bpd is like my inner child is locked in a room, with the lights out, no windows and is scared of something being under the bed. No one is coming to let you out of the room or turn on the light. Every therapist that turns you down, moves the light switch higher or adds another lock to that door. I wonder if therapy with a small group would be more beneficial than 1-2-1. Being in a group where there is mutual understanding with others with bpd could take pressure of attachment off the therapist, and also give comfort to therapees that they're not alone and have common ground. I would rather be in a dark room with someone else than on my own. who knows, they could even help eachother to reach that light switch 😊
Diagnosing others is definitely fraught... but on the other hand you have people like my parent, whose therapist thought literally nothing was wrong. And yet that parent had pretty serious mood and behavioral issues going on. . . so while I might not be able to diagnose them correctly, looking up things like BPD and other disorders is a lot better than having nothing to go on because that person is perfectly charming when being evaluated.
(And in some cases, considering a diagnosis like BPD can bring out more compassion and understanding than just thinking its all purposeful and exactly what they want to be doing).
The problem is therapy can only work if the therapist is being told the truth. There is a reason why there are specific tests DIFFERENT from normal clinical tests when someone's mental health is being evaluated by the criminal justice system, because the normal tests can be easily faked if the patient lies. Therapists assume the patient wants to get better, but sometimes the patient just wants their friends and family to get off their back
Unfortunately DBT is almost impossible to get if you don’t have a lot of money.
I feel a lot of empathy for Hannah, but when she said being "abandoned" was the worst thing someone can do to her, that was scary to me. If it's just a figure of speech, that's one thing, but if it's a genuine conviction, if someone genuinely believes that going away is "abandonment", and that not only is it something being done TO them but actually the WORST thing that someone can possibly do to them? That makes me scared because it makes me wonder what they might feel justified in doing to "defend" themselves against it, or to punish someone for doing it.
It's also scary how she implies that abusive behavior isn't really abusive if it's caused by intense emotions or unintentional.
It's a trauma response. Usually related to one or more important figures in their early developmental stages of life. It's almost like brain damage
@@kay-oc2zm I understand where it comes from! Still scary.
Agreed. I suspect that my mother has BPD, she takes everything as abandonment, even the most banal things. You don't want to go shopping with her today? Abandonment. You want to marry and live in your own place. Abandonment. You can have absolutely no boundaries with her because she will feel abandoned, even if you try to meet her needs reassure her, it's never enough. She wants to control every single aspect of your life, often even what you think.
I have sympathy for my mother and understand it's a trauma response, but it doesn't change the fact that she's abusive towards people. Even worse, her behavior also has given me my own trauma. But she is unable to take accountability, she needs to be the victim 100% of the time, and you are seen as a horrible human being if you don't accept her abuse, always with the trauma excuse.
Agreed. There's a reason why this disorder is part of the dark triad..
Sometimes people treat all self harm as BPD but it's important to remember that there are many reasons for self harm. Also important to recognize that women often get the short end of the stick with this diagnosis and there are plenty of BPD men too.
I have BPD and related to a large amount of this. Particularly the part about wanting to rip myself out of my skin. It's like there is too much emotion to fit inside my body. It's really really hard to explain to family and people that care about me because I have been using self-harm as a coping mechanism for such a long time now. I feel very neutral towards self harm and even now the part I enjoy most is bandaging myself up afterwards because it's like its the only way I feel like I can care for myself. I was diagnosed about 9 years ago when I was 21, and I have done a lot (LOT) of all different kinds of therapy because i really, really want to get better. I want more than anything to have a loving secure relationship but so far, I haven't managed that. The abandonment and self-sabotage factor is just so strong. I am pretty functional (actually a social worker lol) but sometimes I feel like I am just cosplaying being a "normal" person, when I'm actually all fucked up strong emotions inside. I appreciate the kind and non-sensationalised takes you have here.
I'm just starting this video but I have noticed from others from you that the volume of your voice is really low compared to the clips of the interview or the intro music! Good content as always 👍
On-topic comment first, then a suggestion for a video Dr. Syl may want to react to or at least view...
I wonder how often we know people with BPD and we don't realize it because they're so far along in their mental health journey. We remember and hear stories of people with BPD who do a lot of hurtful things. So that's what sticks out to us. But surely there are many people with BPD who do redirect themselves and use healthy coping skills when they realize they're about to (or have begun to) engage in destructive and/or abusive behavior. And they don't advertise their BPD, because why would they?
It sounds like Hannah is relatively early on in her healing journey-just based on how she's using words. I definitely understand people's concerns about how she discusses manipulation and abuse. Manipulation and abuse are manipulation and abuse, period. A charitable interpretation would be that Hannah means these actions aren't necessarily conniving or part of some long-term plan. They're reflexes. It's going to take a while to overwrite those reflexes with healthier ones.
Suggestion:
DissociaDID's video "Inside a Real Psych Ward: Unveiling the Truth. What inpatients need you to know." (I'm not posting the link itself in case that affects whether the comment goes through.)
I know DID is controversial, and thus this channel is, too. But I appreciated what they had to say, and it seems like an appropriate topic for this channel. They shared anonymous messages from people they met while in in-patient care.
Yeah, I don’t see a lot of things by people who’ve been in treatment for so long. I think many of us at that point just want to move on from the diagnosis (I was diagnosed in 2009 and did intensive DBT for a bit under a year) I’m sure you’ve met people with diagnosed BPD who are living healthy lives, who don’t want to disclose such a condition.
I definitely had borderline traits…. I was diagnosed with ADHD in my late 30s and taking a stimulant drastically changed my poor behavior….almost instantly stopped lashing out. I’ve been working hard in therapy the past few years as well but ADHD can look similar at times.
I was diagnosed with BPD traits by a psychiatrist who didn't believe I had ADHD (have luckily since been diagnosed ADHD which is WAY more helpful and relateable for me). Emotional dysregulation is a huge aspect of ADHD so of course there are parallels.
I don’t have a lot of ability to believe in myself . I grew up without any acknowledgement or allowance for space .. neglect was daily . Abuse was constant. When I try to care for myself I find it only seems to matter if I relate it to ‘ I need to stay healthy so that I can keep my spouse happy, healthy and satisfied ‘ . He suffers from PTSD, major depression, hiv, hi BP, dementia , extreme fatigue , non-verbal , unable to communicate to medical personnel..I have learned to read his physical wellness though his outward demeanor and his eyes and lip movements as well as color and whether he has a facial change . I feel love when I love him and that fills me up . Is that fk’d up.
I can definitely relate when Hannah says at 21:00 about psychic pain being on the skin. When I used to self-harm, turning psychic pain into physical pain made it more 'manageable' in the sense that I could more easily tolerate physical pain than psychic pain. And as far as I understand, that's a pretty common thing? In the sense that physical pain releases endorphins. I had to be very aware of my mental state when I got older and got into kink and pain play so that I wasn't using that to escape psychic pain and create consent issues with my partners, who definitely do not consent to causing me harm. I'm grateful that I can make that distinction now, in my 30s, because I couldn't in my teens and early 20s, and it definitely damaged my relationships.
Psychotherapy and proper medication saved my life. It's still hard to accept that I need medication to function at my best, but both Hannah and Dr Syl are 100% right when they say that medication helps bring you to a level where you can learn and use healthy coping skills. For anyone who's still trying to find the combination of medication for them, keep trying. It's worth the rest of your life when you finally get it right
Could you please make a video about multiple personality disorder
Hardly anyone talks about this diagnosis
I was diagnosed with bpd in my early 20s. I was in a really abusive relationship that I couldn't leave because if I went back home I'd live with my mom who was using drugs and was also abusive. I had so many hospitalizations during that time from just trying to escape basically or check out. I just turned 30 and am finally in a stable environment and it seems to have subsided on its own.
You make a really great point ! Everywhere I spend a lot of time , I try to recreate my home life as a child. In other words , infighting , chaos , screaming and someone threaten me . Lots of times I can stop myself because I hear my dad and mom in my mind starting their argument at the dinner table .. I feel my mom’s victimhood and my dad’s open hatred , and oppression of her . I can feel how awful it felt when he called her ‘LADY’ . He was a monster . My sister died at his hands .. but I kept the secret from my brother all these years . I also didn’t tell his family (his mom and dad were there when she was laying dying and refused her medical care ). I am constantly reliving ‘saving my sister ‘ . It’s fruitless .. she’s 6 feet under and so is dad & mom now . Good riddance to dad & mom .
Amen to having ppl in the mental health field hating you or making fun. Where I used to work; most of the BPD women were in one building and ppl would say they did not want to work there.
I also relate to cutting as a physical release like the pain will wash away with the blood
Yeah, I am well acquainted with the fear of abandonment and tend to lose interest in people extremely easily but that one person who I want to spend all of my time with all the time but I also want to do some other things by myself but I can't because I want to be with him because I'm anxious and ritualistic and if he can', t it gets insanely bad. But people rarely ever see this because I know it's an issue on my end that I have to fix so I tend to hide that. I do not want to scare him away from me so I try my best on my end to deal with whatever I'm going through. Thankfully I have low impulsivity and though I have a suicide attempt and self-harming behaviors, it's something that I can resist. Just like I manage to hide me going insane and wanting to KMS.
I've eventually figured out that hiding my distress and pain is also bad for me so I tend to explain a bit each time and diminish how bad it really is. I'm lucky he's understanding so I can externalize my distress, it calms me down.
Since I have OCD, I blame things not going my way on my ridiculous rituals like "I didn't say good night", "I took this pill before that other drug", "I didn't log my treatment during the same hour interval I took it", "I took my treatment late", etc. My OCD is mild too and mostly an hygiene thing. I can challenge it, I just don't want to because it's uncomfortable and I see it as the least annoying disorder I have. I also regard it as useful because it helps me take my medication about correctly, because despite the magic thinking etc and the alarms to remind me to take my treatment, I often forget. It also helps me shower because if I didn't have the hygiene aspect of it, I wouldn't bother. I have low energy, often low mood, very little volition, why would I bother being clean if not for that? 😂
I don't have BPD btw. I have fear of abandonment, rejection sensitive dysphoria, my emotions themselves are uncontrollable when triggered by those.
I have psychotic traits with hallucinations and illusions, no dellusions (hope I never get this), mild paranoia, no ideas of reference, all negative symptoms.
I struggle a fuckton with thought blocking. My mind goes blank while speaking, I need a lot of time to find the words I want to use, I can start a sentence and completely forget whatever I wanted to say before finishing it. I don't jump from an idea to another, but if I'm asked an open question which would ideally require a thorough answer, many aspects of the answer pop in my mind and I can't organize this unless I'm given a few minutes and that - ideally- I can write it down. An example of such questions was that a therapist asked me which sounds stress me in my daily life. There's a lot of them, so I blank out. Because I didn't expect the question so I never thought of listing them to myself. But if course the simplest of such sounds are taps and the toilet flush. But I couldn't answer because I didn't expect the question. And then I worry they believe I lied 😩
I could be autistic too but I'm very unsure, might just be high autistic traits + schizotypal PD (diagnosed but the doctor was unsure).
Enough oversharing for today.
When I’m going through my episodes I definitely have described it feeling like I’m trapped in my body and just want to get out. What’s interesting is I really haven’t truly displayed any signs of trying to keep someone from abandoning me. If anything I will push people away in order to avoid feeling the full on pain once they do leave.
The lack of accountability from this woman is astounding "people would say it's abusive behavior but it's not on purpose" who fcking cares if you abuse me on purpose? The point is you abused me lol
I have diagnosed bpd in Australia. I begged for dbt for about 2 yeard and i was turned down every time. So many shrinks refused to see me when they found out i had that diagnosis. Funny thing is it might not even be bpd, its highly likely i have adhd/asd and bpd was rhe first thing they went with 🤷
I have some BPD traits but I got diagnosed with ASD1 and ADHD!! I'm thankful because I do believe those are my true diagnoses. Sometimes I wonder because these disorders can have blurred lines.. but over all I think what matters more is having a diagnosis that allows you to get appropriate help.
@@RatsPicklesandMusic at this point I feel like asd people don't get support over the age of 18 let alone a diagnosis
I think my mother suffers with BDP or bipolar and it's hard to get an accurate one ahd sometimes fir years. You would swear she's the devil. She also denies she has serious mental illness
Wow my husband has had trouble his entire life with emotional dis regulation. BPD fits him so well.
I have seen a few of your videos now, and I find them interesting. I am troubled by the inference you lean towards in this one though, that BPD is caused by early trauma and possibly neglectful parenting. It brings up how autism was thought of in the 60s - essentially as the result of "refrigerator" mothering. I believe I am the daughter of someone who should have been diagnosed with BPD, and who split her children in the classic golden child, scapegoat, forgotten children dynamic. I also believe I am the mother of a young adult with BPD, who would tell you herself that we have always had a close and loving relationship. I don't have BPD, but I always knew, even before I was aware of what my mother should probably have been diagnosed with, and what my daughter (who first diagnosed herself as a psych major) will probably be diagnosed with, that if my daughter had been born to my mother, she would not have survived to adulthood. I have had to use all my empathetic skills and intelligence to bring her up safely and help her to begin to fulfill her tremendous potential.
BPD has both a genetic and environmental component. There is an intrinsic propensity towards emotional sensitivity…and thus may be more sensitive to traumatic events (even ones other people don’t see as traumatic)
I getting denial about my mental health issues, from a relative she thinks l'm faking it. I don't trust her words to me, because she's unavailable in all communication, she's promise things to me before and didn't follow through. I have every right to not trust her words.
but is abuse and manipulation only abuse and manipulation when it's intentional? 🤔
I can see how it can be extremely difficult to navigate a friendship or relationship with someone who is willing to do "anything to make themselves feel better in the moment" even if that includes deeply hurting someone else. whether intentional or not, their own self protection becomes more important than your wellbeing. Whilst I think it's great that we are having more awareness and compassion, patience for these different disorders, we must always remember to put our own wellbeing first if it having to great an affect on us. I do wonder if a partner or friend continially accommodating or accepting bpd behaviors (not to be confused with Understanding them) can encourage more, and on the flip side, setting boundaries can help to clarify societal standards over time. or does it just trigger them even more? I don't know, I'm genruinely curious. (obviously i know everyone with bpd will have different reactions but a generalized clinical perspective on this would be very interesting.)
My mother is not diagnosed but I believe she has BPD. In her mind everything is abandonment, such as not going with her wherever she wants to go that day. Or if she wants to talk 8 hours straight non-stop, you should listen to her, stop whatever you wanna do. You became an adult and want to get married, she will see it as abandonment because you won't be living with her.
When I was a child and teenager I tried to be the best daughter possible, I tried to meet her needs but whatever I was doing was never enough. You would have to stop being a person and become just a character in her life in order to make her happy. She wants to control everything, sometimes it feels like she wants to control our mind, what we think, how we speak... There's no limit, there's no way you can make that person fulfilled.
I tried my best but all I got back was a mother losing control, beating me, calling me the most hurtful names, and after all of that being angry that I didn't normalize her nor looked happy next to her.
Maybe the right therapy can help, but family and friends won't help by trying to do what a BPD person asks for. They think they only lose control because their needs aren't being met, but if people were nicer they wouldn't have to lose control, the problem is, it's impossible to meet their needs. They have to work on themselves first.
In the grown up world, intentions don't matter. Outcomes do. If the end result of having a BPD parent is a traumatized kid, then it was abuse. Alcoholics don't intend to hut anyone with a car, but if they drive drunk, they still go to jail.
A diagnosis can help explain behavior, but it isn't an excuse. Someone with out of control BPD is not a fit parent, partner, or friend, and it is their responsibility to get help.
@@cl5470Thank you for saying this. I had to cut off a best friend of almost a decade who has BPD and mistreated me. I wish her all the best but she wasn’t a good friend unless it benefited her own needs.
Boundaries are needed to have a successful relationship with a pwBPD imo. You can show compassion and understanding while still enforcing your boundaries.
Abuse an manipulation is still abuse and maniulation. The difference is the intent. You're not dealing with a sadistic sociopath who just enjoys doing whatever they do. They'll probably feel terribly guilt after. That doesn't mean it's okay though.
Any idea if there's a correlation with folks who've been adopted and BPD?
there absolutely is. I did a huge project on it in nursing school. I am adopted and have BPD myself.
there's a correlation between BPD and trauma in early childhood. A lot of people who are adopted had some kind of trauma. For example they might have been neglected by their birth family which is why they had to be placed with a different family.
Very interesting. I was diagnosed with ADHD but was told I may also have BPD. But the symptoms for both show up so much the same, especially emotional dysregulation that’s it’s hard to tell the difference and how to best manage.
One important part is not all BPD splitting is directed towards everyone in the world. Like in 13:03 I never feel rage or anger towards others in that manner like a random nurse, or service worker (at most I have thoughts that service workers look at me with complete disgust). With people in day to day life I have a very calm understanding and rational approach even to those who have different opinions than I do or even come off as rude. I assume it is because I do not have any emotional attachment to them so I just do not react at all. I usually say with BPD if your heart doesn't resonate with a person or a cause you just could care less, but when it does you invest above and beyond emotional resources into it if that makes sense.The splitting usually only happens with a favorite person that I am in a relationship with. Outside of the favorite person with that specific criteria all the anger, rage and emotional insanity is directed at either who I am as a person or what reality is as a whole. Another interesting thing I noticed that I haven't heard mentioned ever is with my BPD I can have 2 different types of favorite people who my brain just deals with differently (I am not talking about the amount as you can have multiple favorite people at once I mean the actual categorization for the symptoms your mind presents depending on their social relationship to you.) For example, in an intimate relationship I can not have quiet bpd or bite my tongue to save my life if I feel jealousy in particular I spiral out of control emotionally and there is no stopping it, but if a favorite person is like lets say a younger sibling, I never split even if they were to do things that my partner would do socially like not talk to me right away when seeing me at lets say a get together, or being angry over something I said and criticizing my character, or not including me in plans things of that nature I am much more calm with an open heart and accepting of their own freedom to do and say whatever they want without any anger or resentment even if I still idolize their character as being much more amazing than what some would deem to be realistic if that makes sense. So with that type of favorite person, I am basically all the amazing qualities of bpd with no down side for them (the downside for me is boundaries are sometimes to relaxed as its hard to disappoint or even be genuinely angry at a favorite person that I platonically care for.) I assume its more related to the romantic aspect of a relationship that makes my brain react way different as the emotional intensity is much more raw, but I am not sure.
its so hard not to give myself a new diagnosis..lol..i can remember being 3 years old worrying and waiting up for my dad to get home ...he wouldnt get home til midnight and as soon as i saw the car headights id run to my room and pretend to be asleep ..ive been diagnosed with bp2..when i think im good .go off meds..then so disappointed when the bipolar starts creeping back in
Separation anxiety and abandonment issues arent exclusive to BPD, they come with a lot of mental disorders. I used to do the same thing, feeling so anxious and waiting for my mom to get home from work in the middle of the night then breaking down if she was late. For me that's just generalized anxiety and panic disorder.
@@ohhadivist that's good to know.thanks for replying..its strange but awesome when I find out others did this..
This reminds me of one time I was literally screaming at this medical billing clerk on the phone over a huge bill for my husbands ER and ambulance . She kept saying ‘He didn’t get a pre authorization’ and I kept screaming ‘You don’t pre authorize a collapse on the living room floor B*tch! What are you talking about ?’ They literally waved the whole bill three weeks later through a supervisor .. apparently emergencies are still qualified as ‘medically necessary’ but for how much longer I wonder ? JFC!
Thank you for this video,the bits about defensive mechanisms are really informative.I'm a bit weary of using the diagnostic labels since it reinforces the hypochondria that i and probably other people have.I'm very traumatized and various specialists throw around various 'horrible' names of trauma-stemming pattern names formerly known as diagnoses (i'm partial to the PTM framework :) ),including BPD i think.What's your opinion on this?correcting the language of mental distress?
You should read ‘You can heal your life ‘ by Louise Hay .. your comment about seeing the people suffering as little children suffering is spot on . She talks about the hurt that the abusive parent might have suffered as a little child . Than, you Dr syl
Abandonment sparked so young makes us so unregulated. In the storm a lot ❤ or always will make it seem like life is a
Constant victim internally screaming
Not to fix. Just to help, best ever quote.
BPD looks so different in everyone
In my experience, as I described it to my mom via analogy, it feels like something bad happens and it casts a weight on my shoulders. A measly 2kg I can handle. However as the days pass with this thought crush my subconcious mind, more and more weight consecutively additions to those prior amounts. Eventually you go from moping, to completely collapsing, at which point all of that wait crashes the earth simultaneously, a total split
awe..hannah you are so you aware and mature..prayers that Jesus heals us ..
I feel like she isn't really understanding accountability for your own actions even if you intention behind them isn't bad, that doesn't really matter, what matters is how you affect the people around you.
I always had this problem too where people in my life who say they have BPD don't take accountability of their actions and they over-identify with their emotions and the need to validate them, ratherviolently, and at the expense of those around them. But the other thing I have come to understand is that I have dealt with people who also are suffering from substance abuse issues. And I have sort of realized that sccountability is a huge factor in addiction issues. So is it the BPD per se? Or are other factors at play when someone with BPD is struggling badly with accountability and self responsibility? I don't really know. But any time we over identify with toxic behaviours it's a bad thing....and should not be encouraged. I have just seen people who use the BPD label to specifically validate really awful behaviours. I think those people are likely doing a disservice to other people suffering with BPD who are not taking advantage like that. I definitely feel triggered when someone says they have BPD because I have personally been abused and gaslit where someone was using the BPD label to justify their abuse of me. Not cool. Not cool at all.
@@caitm8209 Do you have BPD? Or just know someone with it ?
@saltygem3056 i have had some pretty toxic relationships with people diagnosed BPD. One psychiatrist I saw did secretly diagnose me with "BPD traits" without discussing it with me. I only later saw it in my chart at my doctor's office. The psych refused to assess my ADHD, which I later had asessed and confirmed, and the psych who diagnosed me ADHD was known for diagnosing a lot of BPD, and he did not check any of those boxes for me.. I have ADHD and who knows maybe I have BPD? But I think the two have a lot of crossover traits. And I never found out which BPD traits she assumed I had. I know people diagnosed with BPD who don't have this childish self-centered attitude I brought up, but I don't believe every diagnosis because therapists are just people, and psychology is an imperfect science. I question whether they really have a personality disorder or just traits due to something else like ADHD and CPTSD.
But like I said, these really toxic BPD runins I have had have always involved addiction and substance abuse issues, which are a much bigger problem. And who knows which came first, the chicken or the egg...
How is there not a medication for this yet? I hope Syl makes a video describing how medication works for various disorders. What it does to the brain that correlates to a perceived wellness. I know antipsychotics are more or less a mental suppressant. I want to know if there’s any adrenaline suppressants and why they would or would not work.
Its very complex but from what I understand from my exposure to EUPD aka BPD in some instances, its not really an organic or brain illness in the same way Bipolar or Schizophrenia is for example. These conditions require medication to stabilise what the presumed cause is, which is speculated to be incorrect dopamine or serotonin quantity, usage, uptake in the brain (this is really simplified explanation). They can be given therapies to support their mental wellbeing but will absolutely need medications to target their mental illness specifically as it wouldn't go away without it and only with coping skills, if that is understandable? In the case of EUPD/BPD, these individuals (typically coming from a background of abuse and/or trauma) have chronically been deprived of the kind of attachments and relationships needed to promote learning how to attain a healthy sense of self, safety and emotional integrity/understanding and processing. This leads to them having to scramble to survive and have their needs met, and become to reliant on the external to give them their ques for meeting their needs as they havent been given the chance to learn how to do this themselves - all of this is absorbed into the self and typically these individuals will have extreme emotional dysregulation. Absolutely some medications can help support what often is comorbid depression/anxiety etc. But the most effectively proven treatment for BPD is Dialectical Behavioural Therapy that was mentioned. He has actually explained it very well in this video.
10:36 I think it's also important to acknowledge that a lot of women especially get misdiagnosed with things like BPD and bipolar instead of their correct diagnosis of autism. Lots of women diagnosed as being autistic in their 30's and later have been misdiagnosed at some point before then.
I understand that the symptoms you describe can point to something serious that needs intervention, but I think most humans will succumb to emotions and act out inappropriately sometimes under stresses of various kinds. No one is always on an even keel, always under complete control of his or her feelings or reactions. I think it's sad when we label people for their behaviors. For example, we all lie for various reasons. If I lie, I'm lying, but I don't think that makes me a liar. I may lie in a moment, either reflexively or with forethought, but that's a behavior, not a character trait or a psychological condition. Just some thoughts.
when i was young i explained to my mom that when I self-harm, it activates the parasympathetic nervous system so it's like a manual "reset" button. It works, but 9 out of 10 therapists would disagree that its helpful lol
Compassionate partner of a man with BPD here who refuses treatment. (My dad is a narcissist so I have all the right „wounds“ for attracting an unhealing BPD Partner). It‘s a really really tough condition for the person themselves and the loved ones. It‘s been a wild ride and I‘ve learnt tons about myself. What I‘d like to know: where is the real person? is there even a „real“ person or core? The mood swings are so severe and literally from minute to minute that one gets so confused… and frankly I‘d like to think that the real self is the loving relaxed self rather than the accusing demeaning silent-treating behaviour…it‘s very painful and difficult to wrap my head around him being both. Or what would you say, Dr Syl?
Still believe that a lot of cases of BPD are just ASD+ADHD+PTSD which have been misdiagnosed. So many of us have been given that label before realising they were neurodivergant. Being able to adjust to finding out your neurodivergant helps immensely with the symptoms that are mistaken for BPD, as it gives you more of an identity and reason for certain feelings and behaviours that actually makes sense.
my mother was born in Crete during WWII. she came to america when she was 8. she was the middle child of 9 children. My mother is very much like the black and white thinking. I dropped by a while back to visit and she asked me why I wasn't taking the kids to church. I said we have been busy, She said "well, I know I am going to heaven" I said well isn't it god's job to judge. ( she doesn't know that I am agnostic and that my social anxiety is horrible when I am around the Greek community) I loved walking and used it often as my cure all.
Interesting video
As a second note 14:10 with Quiet Bpd the opposite can actually be the case. I have a bad habit of purposely being unavailable or giving my partners to much space because my biggest fear is being called a stalker, or creepy or smothering so I tend to leave messages on read and not reply until they text me twice or in person if there is a breakup (as there is many in bpd relationships) my mind disassociates completely and I literally have zero sense of sadness or anger of any kind I am overly rational and it is not even an act I put on I just have a complete dissociation to any emotional processes with these things until 5 minutes after they leave then my brain lets my emotions come back online and it feels like I am literally dying from heartache for the next week. Not to say I don't still go through all the splitting it's just that I don't reply I still hate that they didn't double text and get angry thinking they are the worse person ever etc. then they double text and my mind immediately becomes avoidant to the fact that I just hated them a minute ago and I think "ah lets just avoid asking why I felt that way I didn't say anything to them so they don't need to know" I know I am a complete terrible partner for thinking all this, but again with untreated BPD at best you can't control the thought patterns, but can avoid the outburts
I'm a little disappointed that even after this video there is still so much prejudice and misconceptions in the comments.
First of all, a person can simply be a shitty person, no matter if they have BPD or not. If someone attacks you, intentionally keeps hurting and manipulating you without ANY self awareness, and constantly ignores your boundaries, that is a shitty person, not BPD. You are not required to support or stay around people that do this to you.
But, if you know someone with BPD and you care for them and can see their many good qualities, and they are actively working on themselves, perhaps this could mean you have some extra sympathy towards their behaviour.
This doesn't mean people with BPD shouldn't be held accountable for their actions, quite the opposite, call them out for it! A lot of the time, in the moment, it's difficult for people with BPD to realise their behaviour is damaging or abusive. It's as if another entity takes over. Yes it will hurt them, but if they care at all about improving their condition, they will appreciate it, and hopefully improve in time.
Set those boundaries, try and be understanding when you can, and be supportive if you *want* to be.
It's ok to not have the capacity to support someone with BPD, but I wouldn't write them off the moment they show any sign of a BPD trait. I also wouldn't write off everyone with BPD just because you know one or two people who happen to be diagnosed with BPD and were horrible people.
There are a lot of people in this world, please do not put them all in one box. If it was race or skin colour we were talking about, no one would find it acceptable to say "well, this person who happens to be this race did something horrible to me, so everyone from this race must be horrible", so why would you do the same with people with mental disorders?
It is very difficult, I would even say almost impossible, for someone who doesn't have a mental disorder to know what it's like. You may have experienced it second hand from knowing someone with BPD, and you are of course entitled to feel negatively towards them if they treated you badly.
But maybe try and imagine for a moment what it would be like to have intense emotional reactions all the time about everything. Think back to a moment where you felt extremely sad or ragingly angry, then imagine constantly feeling this about the dumbest of things. It's exhausting, it's a constant battle within yourself, you don't feel in control. You hate yourself for treating your loved ones badly, you feel constant disappointment because you work so hard yet still this disease has a hold over your brain and causes you to make these knee-jerk reactions. BPD is a disease, not a personality, and there is no magical cure. Someone has to work on themselves for the rest of their lifes to have a grasp on their symptoms.
If you don't know what that feels like, try not to judge so harshly those who live with this every second of every day. There are decent people out there who have BPD, and they deserve the same love, care, and kindess that you would give to anyone else.
I’m getting a change of meds tomorrow, and I’m really hoping it helps! I have borderline traits, but don’t believe that I have the full diagnosis.
I too have some borderline traits. But I am diagnosed as ASD1 and ADHD.
How is it going?
Having gone endured a mother with BPD, a sister with BPD and a long term partner with BPD… they are catastrophically damaging people to be around. Never again.
Is it "normal" to wonder if you're warm wth that collar? Wonder, a lot?
People with BPD are very quick to say "I'm not a bad person" or excuse their manipulation (she did in the video and multiple people did in the comments) no you are not a bad person, you're not a monster. You're a human who deserves compassion. BUT if you did bad things and harmed people you're still responsible and accountable. You might brush it off and say "aaah it's because of BPD I now understand myself and that I didn't hurt anybody on purpose so it's not a big deal :)" but it IS a big deal to hurt and manipulate people even if you meant no harm
You should have mentioned autism, PDA and adhd aswell. Many, especially women, are diagnosed as BPD - when they are PDA + autistic/adhd in reality. PDA looks similar to BPD from the outside, but is totally different and needs totally different approach.
What is pda?
@@too_tired_for_this Pervasive drive for autonomy, also known as pathological demand avoidance.
@@HigoIndicowhat a great way to pathologize human individuality.
@@mentalitydesignvideoPDA is not anywhere close to the expression of individuality and autonomy. It prevents the person affected from living the life *they* want to live.
@@tallgrasslanestitches6635 how so? They *want* demands placed on them, but something inside rebels against it? Sounds completely made up and unquantifiable and certainly wasn't in the DSM back when I still had faith in it.
One thing I hate about cluster B discourse is how BPD are "victims" but NPD are "abusers"
INTERESTING POINT!
I'd like to piggy back on this comment a little if that's ok. I was raised by a BPD mother, and I would definitely classify her as an abuser. I'm 37 and still processing the trauma from my childhood that arose from her BPD.
abusers are abusers
It is a broad spectrum. Some are abusive. Some are only abusing themselves .
@@sofie1065 I get what you mean, but saying that they are ”only abusing themselves” is like saying schizophrenics are abusing themselves. NPD is an impairing mental disorder, not just some petty easy-to-fix attitude problem.
I hate how people with BPD minimize their behaviors. It’s not abusive because I’m sick.
im curious..i fall head over heels for a guy for like mb 2 weeks..then i forget about them.and im not exaggerating..is this part of bp?
I was raised by Bpd mother, and yes I know the struggle. But I still find it illogical for a health related facility or professional to refuse working with a patient because they have Bpd. As professionals in psychology, they should be well trained and equipped to deal with different types of mental issues.