How to LOVE WITHOUT emotional ATTACHMENT: allow people to choose you
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- Опубліковано 12 чер 2024
- This is a topic that has been requested many times by my viewers. It's difficult to love without emotional attachment, but it's extremely important to learn to do so. If you don't, you'll either participate in games of control or resign yourself to the emotional roller coaster. The key to loving without attachment is to treat people like cats. Using this extended metaphor, I'll discuss strategies for loving others that preserve their freedom and autonomy.
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#love #attachment #cats
When I heard "That is the neighbourhoods cat" all I could think is "she belongs to the streets". 😂
Same! haha
Yh or the one shared village bicycle you can ride when it’s available
🙃
Facts
The cat isn't yours - It's just your turn. 😂
"Love people the way you love a cat. With their character and independence. Without trying to tame them. Without trying to change them. Letting them come when they want. Being happy with their happiness." -
Julio Cortázar.
Cats are not dependable
"Letting them come when they want." I struggle with this. If my spouse enjoys other women's milk, then this milk store is permanently closed to him. Does this mean my love is unhealthy because I'm "attached?"
@@MissFlint4U let me know what the response is. I’m thinking he is coming from if you don’t want stress don’t get attached.
It's funny how I applied the cat analogy to my own life a couple years ago by having an interaction with a cat at a friend's house. The first time I entered his house I noticed the cat and just sat down. Eventually the cat came to me out of it's own and started rubbing up on me and I could pet him. My friend and his family were shocked because apparently the cat was very stand off-ish and didn't like to be pet by anyone, not even them. For me it gave me an awareness of how I could treat people like that too, by not being forceful. Live and let live.
no it's because you are healthy and cats along with people behaving like cats are pure degenerates @@MissFlint4U
1.) Put out good milk
2.) When the cat isn't there, go on with your life
3.) Be aware of thinking "this is MY cat"
4.) Get comfortable with the fact that cats come and go in their own time
😂
Whats the milk?
@@AboveSpiritGood D
Nice summary, but this then does not square with the title of this video. As this summary does not describe nor is romantic love, as what occurs in many sexual relationships. Romantic love, or falling IN love always leads to an emotional attachment. This summary sounds more like a players code. Or someone seeking an occasional hookup absent love and emotional attachment of any kind. In that case, this video would be very apt, with a change of title of course.
This should be labelled "how to never be long without company" explained in a very vague way. Love, at least being IN love, by its very definition, IS emotional attachment. Perhaps you can love someone without being IN love with them, as in you care about them and wish them well, but this then is not romantic love and so of course there will be little emotional attachment.
I believe the title to this video to be VERY misleading because the video is discussing relationships. And romantic love, as occurs in many relationships always comes with a strong emotional attachment. If you think you can love someone romantically without emotional attachment, you are very mistaken. Thumbs down.
"that cat belong to the neighbourhood" was the key sentence of the video🤣🤣🤣
The screets
This is GOLD - my mother once told me: "You can get from people only what they are willing to give you"
Nah... His cat analogy/metaphor in this instance may be useful but definitely not the best. That's because it's much more complicated than you're describing it.
For one, humans have children; So, are those children also for the "neighborhood" for the time being when the cat's away, drinking other neighbors' milk?
Two, there's the possibility of STI's, which is one of the very reasons for the license, to provide exclusivity and by extension protection from undesirable STI. How's that guaranteed while one's cat's away, "testing" to see which neighbor offers the best milk?
And so on.
Hold my beer!
@@beebee_0136what's this cat and milk business you're into? I'd like to invest some serious money my good Sir.
Wise mother
@@beebee_0136 The license in itself doesn't really guarantee protection against STI. Only proof of trust such as frequent testing, proof of fidelity and protections can guarantee protection.
For the children, cats can also have kittens too . And this lead to one simple question: do you care about the children or not ?
If yes, then you will nurture them independently to your relationship with the cat.
If no, you won't.
In both cases, you should not mix your attention to the cat with your attention to the kittens. They are both separate.
Furthermore, remember that neither the cat nor the kitten belongs to you. If you were not involve in the birth of the children, they are not your responsibility and you are not the one who must care for them. If you are involve, then you have to assume the consequences of your decision and live with them, even if you have to do it alone. (which is why having a child is not a decision to take lightly and the implications, future investments and sacrifices must be understood before taking the decision...)
I think this is great for the “talking/seeing each other/dating” phase, but once you are in a committed relationship and want to build a future, things need to be a little more intentional and hands on
Especially in a physical relationship. Free ly loving someone doesn't mean you don't have boundaries. What if the person is sleeping around then want to sleep with you...or abusing what you are offering. I'd be more apt to cut them out of my life than put up with the "I'll see you when I see you" thing
I agree for the begging phase of a relationship but if you are hoping to meet your future partner to build a life with and have kids with this no longer works.
Thank you for stating that 🙏🏼🙌🏼 Great idea in theory, sounds great, however does not work in marriage/serious partnership 🙈😝 How about developing great communication skills and empathy to face any challenge together? 🎉
The first step to a true commitment is realizing that you don’t own your partner. They can come and go as they please, but they’re choosing to stay with you. It is incumbent upon both of you to give one another a reason to stay.
@@justinrivera1618 yes but sometimes you need to make decisions together and it does require a commitment and for promises to be kept. I feel like this is a very male perspective. So let's say you feel like you're both committed and you're a woman and you have a child together and then it turns out that the man is running around to other women, or staying out late and drinking with his friends while you are stuck with the burden of raising a child without the partner that you thought you had. I think this is really simplistic
Is it only me or looking at the title, I went: It's impossible. Because it's love, it's emotional. You're bound to get attached. And it's very natural I feel
It feels unnatural and unhealthy for me when it occurs, because the feelings are so extreme.
I haven't watched the full video. However, the way I am understanding this is to learn how to appreciate someone. It's about learning how to not conflate appreciation, maybe even a deep appreciation of someone, and who they are without confusing it with "love" 💘 for them.
This is a big obstacle for people who try to be friends with people of the opposite sex.
This is also very helpful for moving on from intimate relationships while not blaming or hating the other person. Learn to appreciate the times you shared with them and the intimate moments that no one else will get to have. Do this, while also understanding the fact that they're gone now and that life will continue moving, the same way it was moving whenever they were with you and you were sharing that life together.
The process is simply to appreciate their presence when they are there, but when they are not, appreciate the fact you can be alone by yourself doing your own thing. 4:22
Keyword seems to be "attachment", aka feeling pain when the loved ones are absent. It sucks and you can do without.
You shouldn't confuse obsession with love, those are two different things.
“Take it or leave it.” It’s a simple yet effective strategy in life and in romance.
This is how my husband and I operate. It's fantastic. I never feel worried or stressed that he's going to cheat on me. He does his own thing, I do my own thing. But we both know that we return to each other and fulfill our obligations to each other in our marriage. We're also very attracted to each other physically, mentally and emotionally. But I never feel anxious or insecure. Love it!
thats suoer rare
Hahahaha
@@dahliafiend what???
Hotwife confirmed
Yes of course it is "fantastic" for the cats lol. Get the best milk put out constantly, and just walk around picking the best milk. LOL.
This video is true as long as one realizes that boundaries are super important. People can do what they want but we don’t have to stick around if they cross certain boundaries.
Well-said @samanthamariah7625
Very true, people should be allowed their autonomy, without being forced to stay, but a trust can be only established if both sides took the effort to reassure the other they would stay in the beginning. Otherwise why wouldn’t I just bring another cat tomorrow?
Very well said.
if the cat scratches you, don't put out any more milk. if you do, then aren't you hoping the cat comes back regardless?
True, as long as you are able to communicate your boundaries . I;m telling this from experience, most ppl do not communicate boundaries, or they do it poorly. And when I cross that boundaries... its over all of a sudden.
I like the idea of loving someone without emotional attachment, however it feels like being emotionally inavailable.
Like others commented here, loving without emotional attachment is great at the beginnig when you are still not sure if you can really trust person, if you are compatible and that there is something else than only emotions and being in love. It seems to be a good security to not get hurt. But in the long time perspective people want to be sure about their partner and want this stability, that the person is there, not only appeares spontanously. The most dangerous is to be emotionally attached to person from the beginning of the relationship and then see that you are actually not compatible and can't be together, or if partner is abusive.
Greetings for all and wish you great friends and partners 😊
I mean is "love" without emotional attachment even possible to begin with. Like its purely casual and transactional without emotional attachment
The cat belongs to the STREETS!! Love it.
"Many people give more love & freedom to their pets than they do their partners"
I don't have sex with my dog or cat *shrug*
@@ryanyoung5259 That doesn't change the fact that we don't belong to people, or vice versa.
@@encouraginglyauthentic43 that's the message, but we have a lot more invested in our partners than we do our pets. It's comparing apples to orange. Other than that you are correct, but we do agree to an arrangement of boyfriend and girlfriend. It's up to the couple to decide the rules of that arrangement, but some of it does include sacrificing some freedoms depending on what each person wants in the relationship. Relationships are a lot more complicated than analogies
@@ryanyoung5259 That's on you if you invested more in your partner then they did you.
Yes a relationship is an agreement, but that doesn't mean they're going to continue with it.
@@encouraginglyauthentic43 ?maybe there was a miscommunication. The situation I'm talking about is one where both romantic partners are equally invested in one another. Within those relationships both individuals may decide to sacrifice freedoms that may make their partner uncomfortable. So I'm saying there is a difference between our pets and the relationship we enter into with another individual. I'm not talking about me specifically investing in a relationship, nor am I saying anyone should leave or join that relationship.
Attachment is automatic. It happens. You cannot undo it. The other person becomes a part of you, wether you want or not. When you loose a close partner that’s not the same as loosing the neighbour’s cat. This is because of the attachment. It is the hardest thing in life, that’s why we try to avoid it. We try to avoid pain. You can do it, but the price is that you will not have deep feelings. You will stay on the surface, living for sensual enjoyments, chasing cheap, hedonistic goals. IMAO
I agree
This 💯if I don’t have emotional attachement I don’t think I’m never gonna date a person. I don’t even engage in intimacy without emotional bond.
Yes, I think what is being said is over simplistic. We can't program ourselves so easily to not feel deeply. It's not something we can control so easily. We can try, we can be self aware but I believe it's natural if we're authentic to feel intensely if that's how we're made. The line between attachment and freedom is thin.
Love is selfless, therefore it is beyond the ego's comprehension. Attachment is egotistical.
This is the core idea underpinning this video in my opinion.
EXACTLY
I think it’s a really brilliant analogy. I think that works in theory at the beginning of a relationship. The reality is real love is deeper than that so once you deeply love someone that’s a bit hard to just let someone come and go as they please. Boundaries are important if you have self respect.
I think what he's saying is:be the very best that you can be(loving,kind, generous,funny, understanding, supportive..etc. Everything that's needed to sustain a good and fulfilling relationship). But have your own life,dreams,goals and purpose that you're chasing. Your identity and life shouldn't revolve around the person you're in a relationship with or the relationship itself. When you're not with your GF or wife, you're chasing your own dreams,working on yourself,building yourself up and fully focused on that. People,not just the person you're in a relationship with,will naturally be drawn to the person you become as a result of that inner and outer work that you've done on yourself.
Men don't have the luxury to fall victim of love towards someone. If he falls in love, the next step is rock bottom and she is around the neighborhood. I wish that to noone.
Wow !! Thank you for this ! I read the book Awareness by Anthony Mello, and I remembered he said: love and enjoy the person when you see them, then let them be free and you do the same be free and when you meet again enjoy their presence. I think it’s very simple, but we like to make it difficult.
“I’ll never love you. I just want you to love me.” What sense does it make to invest in anyone who views you/treats you that way?
TRUE 💯!👍🏻
Just like I come back to your channel every day of my own free will, because your psychological "milk" provides more value to me than all others. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for causing me to think in new ways about relationships and the world in general.
😆😆 “psychological milk!”
Speaking of milk, I'm curious to hear about others' thoughts on what the "milk" represents in this metaphor, both generally and specific examples.
@@Pseudothink i don't think he means the white creamy kind. 😄
"Psychological milk" sounds like something from a gay porn video.
@@Pseudothink your main photo avatar looks like a special ed man trying to be a transgender woman. 😅🤷♂️💯
I think forming bonds with another human is unavoidable, so is forming attachment, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. But the important thing is being able to feel whole, content, and at peace with who you are. Suffering comes when you feel like you can’t be whole without something, suffering also comes when you resist a part of you that feels scared, lonely and jealous. Stop resist life, let life happen❤️ we can do it everyone!
Thanks for all your great videos, Orion! They are a great source of inspiration, very helpful indeed. All the best from Munich, Germany!
I understand what you're saying about not making someone a prisoner in the relationship, however, I wish you would have touched more on how boundaries play a part... You can love without attachment and allow people to be free but set boundaries that let them know if they cross this line the relationship is over. Communicating healthy boundaries is a must, and yes while the cat is free to do as it pleases, I'm also free to stop feeding it.
Agreed!
This!
Exactly!!
It's not as though people don't lie or manipulate. They do. And romantic relationships have a different kind of intensity from your relationship with the cat. This was really kind of silly simplistic and also I'm guessing he's the kind of person who never wants to commit but strings his partners along. If he wants to stop coming around maybe they're not giving him good milk anymore.i could be wrong but....
You nailed it!
"that cat belongs to the neighborhood" is the most perfect euphemism that i have ever seen 🤣
One of your best segments Orion. You've got a gift at keeping it real.
Had to tip for this message. Invaluable. Thank you, Dr. Orion.
This perfectly describes the problem with most relationships today.
The point of having a relationship is to enjoy spending time together not only having 10 minutes a day together and then not thinking about them ever again
We are supposed to love with attachment. Which means both partners enjoy being together want to be together as much as possible.
Furthermore let’s continue with the cat analogy. I’ve had several cats in my life and currently have two cats at the moment. They are extremely loving to me and they want to be with me.
That is absolutely crucial my cats want to be with me they want to play with me and they want me to pet them. We have mutual emotional attachment to each other.
That is exactly how it is supposed to be in a relationship. The idea of only being with someone for 10 minutes a day is not a relationship
No secure attachment?
No interdependence?
@@susiebeifuss5059 👍👍👌
Ok ok..sir, calm down, its ok. Let me explain - the video you just watched was about - how to love someone without emotional attachment. Either you want to learn how to do that, or you are in such situation and dont know what to do.
If you want a realtionship where you love with emotional attachement..you sure are free to do so. AND you might find many people like you who look for the same thing.
You know there are more then one way to live a life, right? Like..life is not "one size fit all"..right? :D
@@stuart2777 i loved all my He man action figures with half way emotional attachment. Then when i didnt need them,i threw them in the toy box until the next day. I still have an emotional attachment to them that resurfaced years later because i didnt get the whole collection i wanted and didnt explore more of them back then,
@@stuart2777 He does have a point though. A valid point that adds nuance to the discussion in the comments, just like your own comment is valid and adds value and nuance. Have a blessed day :)
The metaphor goes both ways, we also go where the milk is the best. Now we just need to know, “what the heck milk is” in the metaphor.
To love someone this way you basically can't or don't care about them.
I'd honestly rather be cared for and about than loved.
EXACTLY 👍🏻!!
One of the most useful pieces of dating/ life advice I’ve ever received is “what your partner is doing is none of your business. Even if you come home and she’s sleeping with someone else in the front yard, it’s still none of your business. But how you react to it IS your business.” It took me years to really understand this. Once I really got this concept, my dating life/ relationships got infinitely better.
It's also called willful blindness. Just because you choose not to see issues in relationship doesn't mean they are not there.
And why should I spend my money and time for a person like that? You don't have to bring cats on dates ...
THe comments seem to be misunderstanding the intent of the advice given. Though I am not fully understanding its meaning, care to explain?
@@mrlacksoriginality4877 it boils down to, the only thing you can control is yourself. You can’t control circumstances or other people. We so often form expectations for how people we love/ interact with will act in a given set of circumstances and when they don’t meet our expectations, I.e. dont do what we want them to, we get bent out of shape. We have no right to ask anyone to do or be anything when it boils down to the core of the matter. So by realizing and focusing on the fact that we can only control ourselves, it frees us up to “allow” others to do what they want. Even if it’s not what we want them to do.
Obviously, this is a super broad concept. Realistically if you’re in a monogamous relationship, you are allowed to, by definition, expect them to be faithful to you. So when they cheat in that relationship, you’re not at all unrealistic in being upset at their infidelity. I’m not saying you shouldn’t care and that they can do whatever the want to and you should just suck it up and take it.
But, again at the core of it, human beings can do whatever they want. If we focus on the fact that we are all we can really control, it’s easier to accept and deal with it when loved ones, etc, do we things we really don’t like.
And just to be totally clear, this is a great “ideal” response. The “correct/ healthy” response to this example of infidelity would be to focus on your reaction, rather than their actions. If i actually came home and found my wife having sex with someone else in the front yard, make no mistake, I am most likely going to prison. Lol.
I hope that clarifies rather than confuses. Thank you for caring enough to leave an intelligent comment.
"Even if you come home and she’s sleeping with someone else in the front yard, it’s still none of your business." That's a deep one. A great podcast topic to dive into.
I wish I had this advice 30 years ago. My problem is that I’m an empath. Always trying to help and think that everybody has good intentions. They don’t. It’s exhausting and often disappointing…
I have the same problem. I want to people to like me and want to be around me. It seems like I have to sacrifice something for their attention. Its exciting and challenging to be empathic, introverted, and intelligent.
view people suspiciously; ask yourself, how can this person hurt me if they wanted to? that way u can b wary and not glue yourself onto others too much.
This is the most eloquently put solution to having a wonderful relationship - with one - or many cats (women) in your neighbourhood. Thanks Orion!
I certainly do appreciate what you are bringing to the table, sir. Thank you.
Loving without attachment is healthy, but don't forget to love with emotional connection and protection. This allows the relationship to grow into a bond that is both nourishing and fulfilling.
Emotional connection is an attachment
Emotional connection is attachment. Connect and attach are functionally the same word.
@mtrichie111 there is a reason connection and attachment are two different words, we as humans developed them so we could accurately describe the difference. Connection is like plugging into an outlet, where the energy flows, but you are able to unplug and continue about your life, having many other connections that do this same thing. An attachment is when you are bound to someone and they are your source of energy, and you cannot attach to another person to recieve this type of energy, although is the attachment is secure, you most likely will have other connections that give you energy as well and balance your life. Women may understand the difference better because we thrive on connection, which is why we also have emotional connections outside of our romantic relationship so that we are balanced and energized as we are meant to be. Humans are social beings, and not being so damages our minds. Hopefully this helps to differentiate the two.
@@kellyely9113 Your explication doesn’t quite address the core issue.
Both attachments and connection involve a binding, a coalescence of multiplicity into one.
What Orion is describing in this video is a kind of solipsism, the notion that there is a fundamental separation between beings and and that the appropriate response is this to treat them as quasi-objects: My neighbors cat, while an interesting feature of the world, is nothing really more than a transient appearance, a thing that can be admired, but never connected to.
To love is to be bound, to be existentially caught up in another beings fate. They literally become part of you, the way you see the world, the way you think, the way you behave.
Orion’s concept here opens up the danger of serious nihilism.
It is the dictum of the current age that we can and should be radically separate from one another. Human beings are indeed social, and it is for this reason that for 200,000 years the average person would not move from the place they were born. People were bound by community, by fellowship, by blood, by love.
Orion is describing an unnatural solution to an unnatural problem - a solution that goes against the fibre of the human soul.
@Aussie0912 they do both require energy exchange, but humans cannot sustain more than a few attachments (family until), but can sustain more connections than attachments (friends, colleagues), but without attachments, we cannot fully function as humans, which is why we require a family unit for optimal health, friends are for support in work, creativity and learning new social skills. If someone goes through life without these things, they are most likely very lonely, mentally and emotionally damaged and/or incredibly dangerous. If we want to admire people for who they are, that is great, but it's not living.
This is what Buddhism preach to follow in relationships. Minimise attachment to anything /anyone. Still you do good to the other, but not attach to them mentally, so you don't get upset when Ur good deeds/favour /generosity isn't receprocated. Ur mind is free
Excellent comment! Loved how you connected it to Buddhism, I was looking for a comment like this one . ^^
exactlyyy my point
This could be the most important relationship advice video on UA-cam. Relationships and dating become so much easier when you stay in control of your feelings and accept that you don't own your partner. The cat analogy is spot on and also hilarious.
Easier? Nope. It creates constant fear that the relationship can end every second.
@@marguskiis7711 when you are unattached you don't care. You enjoy the relationship in the present and if it ends it doesn't bother you.
One of the best videos I’ve ever seen on UA-cam, it’s clever, accurate, and straightforward.👌👌
This works for dating but not for marriage or an exclusive partnership. Attachment is the glue that fosters relationships, otherwise we would all just use each other damn the consequences. Are you not attached to your friends in the sense that you feel some loyalty to them? Healthy attachment is what we should all try to work on (otherwise known as loyalty, companionship, having common goals)
And get your heart shredded in the process. Nah, not worth it.
@ veilfire well said, I totally agree
I’m with you….❤
It’s the level of attachment that makes the difference. Marriage is no exception. I’ve seen how my own father operates and his attachment style is pathological.
He's not speaking to the married person, lol.
He's been there, he's not doing that again.
This was my favorite video so far; partly because I love cats and partly due to the inner meaning. My ex told me one thing he loved about me was that I.gave him so much freedom which made him want to stay true to me. I also liked that you pointed out if you provide goodness; if one person leaves another will be glad to accept the goodness.
I'm glad you liked it, Cathy. Freedom in relationships is the way to go. Otherwise you end up playing games of control, the time and energy devoted to which would be better spent on other things.
You gave him the freedom and that is wonderful. Your ex was right. Appreciate your stand
Solid way of looking at. Especially the ownership part…we don’t get to possess or own others, even with a marriage, well said!
This is probably one of the best advice I’ve ever heard on attachment
This sounds like accepting shallow, one-way, fair-weather friendship; and repressing your own needs.
Thank you…I was about to say something. I understand letting go, or taking a step back, but I’ve never considered spending time with a love interest as an attachment. And furthermore, I have relationships that are not attachments and I check on them maybe throughout the day. That’s being human and kind. This is completely one-sided and getting what you need only without any regard for the other person in the relationship. That’s why it’s called in…not of.
I get were you get the idea from, but that’s not what he‘s talking about. It‘s more of a mental thing. You give in the right amounts and when you increase the amount and you notice that the person is pulling back, you decrease the amount again. When the other person is ready, they will give more/ be more active again. If they keep reducing their interactions and they leave, you let them go. If they come back, you could play with them again. If you are no longer interested, you close the door.
It’s about not being needy with anyone and living your life. I’ve had this experience with multiple women in the beginning of relationships. They will test you to see if you freak out if they simply continue to live the same life they have been before they met you such as hanging out with friends, working out, not texting with you every hour of the day, etc. However if she’s the “neighborhood cat” and she doesn’t try to come inside your house and stay with you, eventually you have to realize she’s never going to be your cat. If you’re ok with that and can spare the milk sometimes then go for it, but otherwise there are plenty of cats out there.
It’s a bad way to explain a good idea
I thought to just say “scaaaaaaat” to the cat and go find good loving dog 🤣.
The Power of Indifference.
This video randomly showed up on my UA-cam and I’m here for it. Love it! Thank you for sharing!
Man, you are so profound, and importantly, practical. Thank you.
I think this is a very good piece of advice for how to pursue NEW relationships on the journey to find a permanent partner. But it feels incomplete as far as general relationship advice goes because it does not account for how you take a casual "come and go as you please" cat mindset and take it to the next level of true human commitment. One might respond "Commitment means that you just need to keep putting out that good, fresh milk." But that feels very hollow. No doubt, a healthy relationship requires both partners to constantly be aspiring to make the effort to add value. But a healthy relationship is also strong enough to endure the reality that, in the journey of life, there are some periods of time when you don't have any "milk" to give and need your partner to be there for you anyway and, more importantly, to WANT TO BE THERE ANYWAY to help you get back to a place where you are able to get your hands on new milk. I'm not sure that the neighborhood cat is up for that. I think a lot of people need help understanding how to bridge the gap from the laissez-faire early stages of a relationship to a place where a man can trust that his partner will stand by him through tough times.
Also, I think there's a bit of tension (or, perhaps more accurately, yet-unexplained reconciliation) between the neighborhood cat metaphor and the taxi/ferry metaphor from a more recent video about errors men make when defining the terms of a relationship. If you're just providing that milk day after day, how do you avoid becoming that taxi driver in the eyes of the woman? I expect Doc has an answer to this question, but it's one I think a lot of people need to hear.
Nicely put
I have been in this marriage for 25 years. Dr T is right. It really does work in a marriage just the same. They are free to decide to marry and commit their life to you. They are free to fulfill what they’ve told you they will do. You are free to figure out if their offer works for you, and if they don’t fulfill their end, you are free to decide how to respond. My husband and I have had a beautiful lifelong marriage this way, and even deeply attached to each other. I’ve told my kids that I believe that half of life is intuitive, and the other half isn’t and has to be learned. This is one of the latter. It might not feel like it will work, but it works far far better than demanding respect and commitment.
Maybe your problem is exactly that, expecting a woman to love you through tough times. Maybe they can't love us like that. Maybe they're exactly like cats
No this is for all relationships, people don't belong to you.
Wow, this is exactly how I figured out love without attachment too. Cats were put here for a reason!
If you really loved the cats you would bring them inside. I disagree with this Buddhist philosophy. Love is attachment.
@@Bucephalus84 My heart agrees with you, but not my head. What a dilemma.
@hachiroku86 Buddhist philosophy while being attractive, is just a coping mechanism for life's pain. But what kind of person doesn't feel attachment and love? I could be a nihilist before a Buddhist.....
@@Bucephalus84The whole point of buddhism is the end of suffering.
Obviously most people feel attachment and that's why they suffer.
You can't have your cake and eat it too, the emotional attachment will be there regardless when you love something bc it means your placing a sense of value on it. But how you tackle or view that emotional attachment is the real key. Having a healthy view on it is important.
Love is freeing or freedom. Freely loving rather than creating “bonds”. Everyone has choices. Pearls of wisdom in this video.
Love this. Makes your life more peaceful when you release control of others and let them do what they would rather do freely.
Agreed. The vulnerability that comes from that is also humbling.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can..... and the wisdom to treat them all like cats. ❤ Golden metaphor. Thanks for sharing!
😂👍💯
😂😂😂😂😂😂
😁😁 You nailed it 🙌
I just busted out laughin😂
🤣🤣🤣
I HATE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE RIGHT AND I KNOW YOU ARE RIGHT. 42. family all dead. chase women off all the time because i smother them. got 500k on an inheritance. 3 months in the gym been going hard. back to school at 42 to get a college degree. no kids no family no friends. I will live by this "stop trying to impress people and just be impressive." just found the channel and I'm really just taking it in. thank you. I need this.
I wish you well! You have a story to share. You're on a personal journey of transformation.
I hate that I resonated with he chase women off all the time because I smother them. Thank you for putting it in this form because now I am aware
Hate and love, huh xD
God bless 🙏
You need to figure out who tf you are because women respond to authenticity.
This is some of the best relationship advice I have ever heard.
Excellent story about enjoying great relationships.
Thank you for sharing!!
Concise and to the point. Love it
This is red pill without the emotions attached to it🔥🔥
True red pill is that. Without emotions attached, it simply reveals reality. It's the people who consume it and aren't able to deal with it (emotionally).
Ive been asking myself recently: "to what extent am i going to allow fear to get in the way of closeness?" Recently i have felt very disappointed, unsupported, sometimes unloved by others. But that is just sometimes the nature of relationships. People can be unsafe, and they can only give and receive the level of love they are capable of. I decided I would rather still give others love, support, encouragement and express myself to them- even if they are unable to give me the same.
But are you not unhappy to not receive the same ?
@@flom6483 it does hurt sometimes. But that was my decision, to give others the kind of encouragement support and love I deserve, even if I don't get it. It's more important to be loving than to be loved I discovered. Also: it forces me to be loving towards myself, so I don't have to try to get it from others. It is appreciated and special to me when others give that to me though
As much you love a woman same much she hates you. Thats the rule.
I'm in the same boat , except I'm not putting up with it.
You're pretty , we should hook up.
If you're not crazy , I'll give you so much love and affection.
All I want is reciprocity from an attractive woman who isn't crazy.
👍
OMG! I JUST LOVED IT!!! Thank you!!!! the best explanation I heard so far!
This is such a beautiful and easy to internalise and remember way of explaining love without attachment. Thanks so much for the video! 🙏
The cat analogy makes for a good story and there are lots of people with a sort of laissez faire attitude in their dealings. They are not good for anything other than casual talk. Important matters in life require strong commitment and determination because life is often difficult and there is rarely a quick fix to the problems we face. I have been married to the same woman for almost 46 years. It ain’t always been easy but we both were always willing to put the needs of the kids and our family's long term stability ahead of short term gratification. My wife and I both knew where our priorities had to be. Everyone has the right to the pursuit of happiness and to be left alone by the unwarranted intrusions of the state. However marriage is a rare case (if taken seriously) where devotion and duty require a higher standard than many people are willing to live up to.
Exactly!
Agreed!
Exactly! I do not agree with his approach. You don't get to come and go as you please in people's lives. You have to show up with commitment and devotion. Modern day approach is why divorce is at its ultimate high. Be mindful of those who subscribe to that thinking.
@lexaneli He seems to be saying that if someone wants to leave, you're supposed to let them leave,I wouldn't want to be forced to stay if I wanted to leave ...😮 Because what you resist, Will always persist. Why would we want someone that didn't consciously choose to show up😉
Continue to work on being your best self At all times for growth and evolvement.. So you can show up for the other person when An equally matched one shows up, And be In the moment enough to be able to recognize if someone else isn't balanced or not dedicated enough to put the work in. It's not about releasing attachment as much as it's about releasing attachment to a desired outcome. I watched many people, not even realize That they were attempting control of outcomes...😮
Create your own goals, If someone else shows up and has the same goals, Then it Has a much better chance of working❤ People always show you who they are, but most people don't want to see it. If someone is dedicated to their own health and well-being, they are likely to contribute the same to the relationship. If someone is realistic with themselves, They are likely to have realistic expectations about the relationship.❤ Did I read too much into it? 😅
@@lexaneli. It's not A way of thinking. It's energy.😊 And most people Aren't aware of the energy they give off and attract.
Someone who is emotionally healthy &balanced wouldn't allow someone in That was going to come and go😏 They would look for actions to match up with words and Consistency & transparency over time before fully Dedicating to a relationship. They would observe how someone behaves in a crisis, When people's true colors come out etc etc
But because we are energy frequency and vibration, We are only going to attract what we are. So if we're attracting emotionally unavailable partners, That means subconsciously somewhere we are also emotionally unavailable. Every person is a mirror of ourselves, With what needs healing and attention within us. Because no one else can meet our emotional needs as adults, It was our childhood care givers that were supposed to do that, And because most didn't, People carry those subconscious programs of attempting to get their needs met into adult hood. And then self sabotage unknowingly.
Someone who is Emotionally balanced, healthy exercising vegetarian who makes all their own food, has a productive daily schedule, is environmentally conscious, works in humanitarian environments etc.. Does not often attract An overweight Partying Convenience food eating Smoker who sleeps all day With all kinds of court Issues, etc.. lol
Energetically, it's not a match-UNLESS they're In need of the same emotional healing.
I was getting my masters degree, Considered myself Physically healthy, ,I have no addictions (sugar maybe?) Lol
And hanging out with outlaw motorcycle club members 10 yrs ago. I was able to maintain a balance during all of that, Was never susteptible to their behaviors. 😅 You can imagine the comments I got. And perhaps I was in need of rebelling, which clearly is the childhood wounding.However, I was dating someone who was still legally married despite living separately. So we were both emotionally unavailable, And that suited us fine at the time. I enjoyed things for what they were. And we are on the same emotional intelligence level at that time. When my vibration shifted and rose, as I evolved, He remained in lower vibration, Not interested in Evolving or his own personal growth. So one, The lower vibrational one, will fall away naturally.😊
This is so funny. Because I actually do this. The most of it, to be exact. I leave room, I don't force anything, I put out good milk. And I hope the cat comes back. But, actually, people want to be bonded. It gives them security, clarity, better time management, even a sense of self. My last cat told me, we had beautiful moments, but there is more needed for a relationship to last. So, no, for many people, this advice doesn't work. And, I know, I might not have put out enough good milk anymore - but, if you proceed with your life when the cat isn't there (as advised here), you might not have the concentration on the good milk for this special cat all the time. I mean, it's an intriguing thought - love without attachment - but, sorry, very theoretical.
Sound like a woman
@@TheAustrianPainter87 what does that mean? Is there anything you want to say? Be clearer! Be a man!
@@wf4983 Your paragraph sounded quite emotional. So I concluded it was written by a woman.
@@TheAustrianPainter87 ah, ok. Yes I'm very emotional in general - but I also think a lot. And this comment is well thought through - and it is based on the reality of emotions that people experience.
Gold comment
This is exactly what I needed to hear right now. Thanks.
Wow!...at last the key to everything you taught and we as men dealing with women in America needs to understand...thank you😊
Unconditional love = loving without attachment
As society has made us accustomed to treating life as transactional, loving unconditionally seems so hard to do.
We are conditional entities. To love without conditions is quite literally, impossible.
@@ArisenMind Correct, unconditional love can M A Y B E exist between parent and child. But otherwise adult human relationships are always conditional to the value you bring and keep bringing. Take away the milk bowl and the cat never comes back.
@@thomaskatt4450 Agreed.
You see, the problem with unconditional love, especially in its truest form, is the very fact that you absolve all responsibilities from the other party to maintain what kept you attracted to them or grow in the relationship. Think about it through this extreme example. You fall in love with a person, than later on you find out they're a psycopathic serial k*ller. That's ok though, because you decided to love them UNCONDITIONALLY.
Let's use a more real life example. A women chooses a man because he has a good career and can provide for a family or future family. He then loses his job and becomes too lazy to find another one. Should she be expected to stay with him? As a man I'll tell you the resounding answer is NO! She chose him under certain conditions and if he doesn't even show an effort to maintain those conditions or grow, then it is within her right to leave the relationship.
@@melmagallon6233 Yup. All things are conditional in the macrocosm of humanity and human emotions.
I agree to point. Milk inevitably sours, but this fact does not change the responsibilities we have towards other within our relationships, especially ones involving children. Sometimes, passing up sweeter milk is the more loving act.
Thank you for this wondeful analogy of love without emotional attachment. Keep it up!
Incredibly helpful advice. Thank you!
Goes for parenting too. When they are under age, love and provide guidance/provision. When they fly off the coop, don’t leash them. Instead, put love and good guidance on the display. They will come back for it time and time again.
It goes for the children but not for the parents, and again Dr Orion seems to not factor in the biological reality of having children. Babies and children wouldn’t survive if parents decided to come and go as they please. And what we end up with in many relationships these days is men deciding to act like cats because they can’t bear to commit to the children they had a hand in creating, and women’s wellbeing suffering because they’re left to pick up double parenting responsibility and mental load.
Love in such a way that the other person feels free.
Think about what you can give, not what you will receive.
It's really interesting to see relationships under this perspective. Thanks for your contribution!
This metaphor is pretty awesome and a good shortcut to explain the nature of human behavior. The next step would be how to practice shifting your focus to minding your own business and not attaching your self-worth to the cat's approval of you...
That's much easier to do if you have a full life. If you can fill your time with meaningful work and challenging adventure and personal growth and close friends and enjoyable hobbies, you won't even have time to think about the cat.
Right, and there's a 5th point for the end: Leave milk out for other friendly cats so that your cat-time isn't dependent on the whims of a single cat.
Quality of milk is only one criterion by which a cat decides to pay you a visit. You don't necessarily have control over several of the other criteria a particular cat uses in making her choice on any given day.
This is exactly what I needed to hear today. I don't know if you will ever see my comment, but this message literally just saved my life. Thank 🙏 you ❤
I have heard many of your presentations! I totally get your train of thought, I find it logical and it gives me great comfort and relaxation! 👍❤️
Excellent analogy. Will watch regularly to remind myself. Thank you🌼👌🏼🙏
I found your channel today and I can’t overstate the value of this information!
Excellent, in theory. In practice, an entirely different matter.
Appreciate this knowledge, Orion.
Thank you Orion! I appreciate you!
This is perhaps the best piece of advice I need to hear, not just in dating but in all relationships.
Thank you.
so many of these ‘this is the best advice’ comment probably from the paid commentators
@@fatgirlboy9341 I exist
I love how succinct your content is. It’s wonderful to watch videos that get right to the point. Thank you! So much appreciation for what you’re doing.
Excellent piece of advice with analogy to remember! Thanks for putting this one out.
Videos like this one shake my faith in psychology even more than the replication crisis, just wow.
As you mentioned yourself cats or not humans - this distinction is crucial. What you propose is an opportunistic approach - a human will only choose you cause you’ve sth to offer or more to offer than someone else( e.g. female hypergamy).
When it comes to friendships I might agree with you on that to a degree but certainly not when it come to committed relationship/ marriage.
A man - as an archetype- „loves“ rather idealistically means he loves his wife for the sake of her. Your advice comes from a place of cowardices and fear of being hurt or expectations being disappointed. It’s a stoic approach. Psychopaths can act that way purely rational without emotional connection to the other. And besides there’s a reason that dogs are a men’s best friend and not cats. Cause they incorporate loyalty - which isn’t based on conditions.
You sound like a simp. This man didn't ask you to join his channel and listen to his videos. Hilarious. Go find a new woman.
@@ClassicMan33 watching your other comments you clearly have an issue. You obviously need help but I doubt that this channel will provide you the help needed
@@svst3767 You're corny and women walk all over you. Who needs help?
@@ClassicMan33 I don’t have a problem with women my boy..:) . Not at all. You want to play the tough guy here in the comments but in your profile pic you look like a metrosexual sensitive guy. You probably got hurt in the past that’s ok we all went through that. But get help.
@@svst3767 Metrosexual, strong, far from sensitive, and will have your sister smiling big. You're right. 💪🏾🤵🏾♂️
Easier said than done, if only it was as easy as you say it is. In my experience, when you are no that into a woman, it's easy to do say you are suggesting. But sometimes you meet a woman who truly knocks your boot off and you forget all smart things to do. If it was that easy, no one would have romantic issues.
"If the cat's not there...I'm not thinking about it"...This is where im trying to be at
One of the best metaphors I have ever heard. Made me laugh and think at the same time.... what could be better.
But then youre so giving that suddenly the only ones drinking your milk are takers, and you realize youve been taken for a ride, and then your heart hardens to the world.
you are helping me through a very strange time in my life and i thank you from the bottom of my heart. you are doing great work.
This is one of the best messages that I've heard and you have described it so well. Thank you very much Doc.
Love it !!! I’ll never forget this .Thank u !
One of your best videos. It requires an open mind to implement it in practice. Its necessary though to have what actual love is. I think the biggest detriment to a true loving relationship is ego and insecurities. Lower the one and the other diminishes as well.
Of course, if the cat doesn't think it deserves the best milk in the street no matter how much good quality milk you put out it won't drink it.
Been following you since your video of giving people the gift of your absence. This analogy is brilliant Dr. Biggest fan. All the way from Namibia 🇳🇦
This is pretty much a variant on "If you love someone let them go, if they come back they're yours"
I love cats too and I think this analogy is BRILLIANT! Thank you for sharing this message. Applies beautifully to human relations as well. You nailed it!
I truly believe that I put out the best cream in the neighborhood. However I was married to two tom-cats - Divorced them both but got back with the last one but will never marry again. I think your analogy is spot-on. Love being divorced!! Thank you
One of the best advice I have ever heard❤
I have never heard this before but somehow this vibrates with me a lot. On to your next video!!!
Brilliant approach to the subject. I really like how you present your topics and structure them, I think it is clean and steers away from toxic advice. Keep up the good work and thank you!
This is a topic that has been requested many times by my viewers. It's difficult to love without emotional attachment, but it's extremely important to learn to do so. If you don't, you'll either participate in games of control or resign yourself to the emotional roller coaster. The key to loving without attachment is to treat people like cats. Using this extended metaphor, I'll discuss strategies for loving others that preserve their freedom and autonomy.
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Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.
#love #attachment #cats
Putting out milk so the cat can come in and pretend to like you, that says something about someone neediness and lack of self love and self respect.
Thank you very much, this is the best advice I've ever recieved. I cant thank you enough.
Orion, that is what you said in your article, and what I disagree with. The need for emotional attachment is in your genes and in your subconscious; it is basic human nature and part of the human condition through 3 million years of human evolution. Emotional attachment is normal human behavior in interactions between mates and necessary for raising children. To deny that would be unnatural. Long tern commitment and security are important parts of what it is to be human. Do you fear the ups and downs, the emotional complexities of committed relationships? The rollercoaster? The separation of power? There are strategies for dealing with these; you could discuss those in your posts. I'm sure your strategy of behaving like a cat (was yours an alley cat?) can work for young singles, but will not work if they marry and have kids. Beside, have you never loved a woman to the core of your sole? Walking away is more difficult, and less fulfilling, than marrying, having children with her and learning to live with her emotions.
good way to look at it... literally
You should do a video as to why this is so difficult to do…as to why this is not intuitive…why is this not our default behavior
Awesome analogy and we'll explained!
Oh my god. I've become what I was avoiding, having an attachment to the cat. I'm glad i'm still in the early stages of attachment and your lesson taught me a lot. Thanks for this, sir. I was looking for answers or ways to not feel attachment because I know I'll screw things up when I do I get attached. Lucky I had your video in my Watch Later list.
This came at a perfect time, thank you for these metaphors and reminders we all need... especially that no one is property of another. I like to view everyone and everything as a fellow brother or sister. Just someone im sharing an experience with. Its wonderful to feel free. Thank you for this, amen brother.
Man, you're so ACCURATE!!!!!