Building Healthy Relationships
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- Опубліковано 16 жов 2018
- Fr. Mike shares three things that will help you build healthy relationships. If a couple wants to get married, that’s something we should celebrate. However, that doesn’t mean we should blindly encourage them no matter what, and offer cliche advice like, “You’re in love, and that’s all that matters,” or “Do what you heart tells you.” No matter how convincing a couple’s love for each other seems, there are some things that always need to be considered, especially in young relationships between two people who want to rush into marriage. When it comes to relationships, there are three things Fr. Mike says to keep in mind:
There are some things only time can reveal
Let your relationship be the actual age it is
Learn how to make decisions together
If you’re interested in more great advice on the road to getting married, check out the Joy-Filled Marriage Couple’s Set (bit.ly/2IRa7Dx).
Fr. Mike is also a presenter in these faith formation programs from Ascension:
Belonging: Baptism in the Family of God (bit.ly/2vQgGRx)
Chosen: This is Your Catholic Faith (bit.ly/2nCKKLK)
Altaration: The Mystery of the Mass Revealed (bit.ly/2vG9KX2)
YOU: Life, Love, and the Theology of the Body (bit.ly/2raspVB)
Get 18 of Fr. Mike’s best Ascension Presents videos in this exclusive DVD from Ascension:
Ascension Presents … Fr. Mike Schmitz (bit.ly/2sKUnJN)
Fr. Mike spoke at the Ascension Cafe during the World Meeting of Families. Watch him and other speakers get fired up over the gospel in the Ascension Cafe DVD (bit.ly/2sYtQaW).
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Once read about an African priest who would ask couples discerning marriage if they had had an argument. If the answer was no, he would refuse to marry them. The important skill they needed to develop was learning to reconcile after a disagreement.
Me and my husband don't have fights. Arguments are not a big deal unless you are just someone who wants to win. Arguing is not a good sign, but being able to admit you are wrong is.
The main thing the priest was looking for a couple's ability to resolve conflict within their relationship. It's not enough to say, "We love each other." Love Story, a popular movie from 1970 popularized the phrase "Love means never having to say 'I'm sorry.'" Nothing could be further from the truth.
@@deborahwilson6970 Amen!
Yes I’m still waiting for that lol
@@thirdlynephilim by
One of the biggest lessons I've learned is to never assume that person you are planning on marrying is the same person you are dating...people change...drastically sometimes. Do NOT put a time limit on a relationship. Do NOT schedule your life ahead of God's plan. It's not gonna work lol.
Dating different person all the time is painful. I don’t like it. 😔
Cari
Why do you do it ?
My husband proposed 3 weeks after we met and we got married exactly one year from the day we met. We're going on 17 years of marriage and it's been a wonderful journey. Looking forward to the next 50 years together 😆
Ahhh I'm so glad you guys are happy! How's it going? I see you posted this comment 2 years ago 🤣
Woah! That’s so soon!
Married 21 years. Wish I would of had this before marriage. Give it time but course not 10 years. Above all if you can take an advice of a married woman. Make sure he is a man of God. Let me tell you that makes a difference. He won't be perfect but those values will forever be great. I go to church by myself and that hurts because my spouse doesn't come with me. Lots of reflection lately on my part. I pray to God and just let him give me the strength for decision. Blessings to all.
Even if you know instantly, it doesn’t change the fact that it has to be built. Solomon knew he was gonna build the Temple- doesn’t mean it was done instantly.
I know we are the exception, but my hubby and I knew on our second date we were going to get married. We told no one because we knew they would freak out. 18 months later we were married. That was 26 years ago, Blessed be God. Then again we were both a little older. I was 32, wondering if I would EVER get married.... Hubby was 44. We worked together in surgery and just knew. Knew we belonged together. Deo gratias!
Yes! My boyfriend of 6 months and I have discussed marriage as being the end goal of our relationship (if we both get the green light from God that this is what he wants for us). But, we don't treat our relationship as though we are engaged or married, lol. Honestly, time is your friend. I'm very much happy with where we are right now and wouldn't wanna rush or backtrack. Just treat your relationship realistically and not what you fantasize it to be.
I have always felt that the greatest miracle is when to people want to share the rest of the live together to love and take care of each other
Totally agree with you. I was married once for 8 years to someone I'd only known for 4 months. Before the marriage perfectly happy. Once the Ring hit that finger she changed. Most unhappy 8 years of my life. We never worked things out not once and in the end she had an affair and asked me for a divorce. Now I'm engaged to a Filipina citizen whom I am very happy with. We work our problems out 98 percent of the time. The other 2 percent are culture differences. I'm also in the process now if becoming Catholic and obtaining an annulment.
God bless u,..everyone deserves 2nd chances and to be happy..There is forever.😍😍..esp.marriage in Ph..😊(a lot but not all)
As a Catholic therapist Fr Mike is right on!!! So so wise!! Learn how to solve problems together and relationships take time to develop the life issues you will have!!! Learn that skill before you hit the altar
Do you do online?
My husband and I rushed in to marriage. Luckily we are still married 27 years and we are so happy. I wish we did wait so we could grow personally before we had to deal with our issues while we were married! I love your videos!
I would consider you to be blessed . I have had 2 relationships with never any marriage over the course of 22 years.
May your marriage continue to be blessed!
How old were you when you got married?
I was 21 years old and he was 27. We moved very fast. And he was going through a divorce. He had to get an annulment so we could get married in the Church. He got it in 1997 easily, so I knew we were meant to be. We first got married in the court in 1991, then when he got his annulment, we renewed our vows in the Church in 1997!
Last relationship was like that ... I was 22 & he was 20. I was still not even close to marriage cause I was living with parents at the time. We just grew apart - following different paths - it happens...
Great Advice Father Mike. I met and married my bride in 6 months (no UA-cam in 1977), then moved us to Hawaii with the Navy. Very challenging. But that was 41 years ago this month and we have proven your tip number 3 is esential for success even if we learned it the hard way. Your tips plus having Christ in the center of our marriage has made all the difference. Keep up the great work on Campus and on the Web! God Bless.
Ugh..... this is not a message I wanted to hear, but definitely one I needed, lol. I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 months, and I'm already fantasizing about being proposed to. I need to calm down hahaha.
The truth hurts sometimes... but, if he is a good man then the wait will be SO worth it! You can do it!
With all due respect you do need to slow down. Speaking for guys that have actually have grown up and not just a boy who can shave. You start telling him that and I promise he will if he has any self respect, will run away. Even more so if he is a man of virtue. That being said if your boyfriend is doing that. I promise he is not ready and is insecure at the very least. I do wish you too the best, and listen to father mike on this.
@@carlpostuma1469 yes, I know. It's not me really actually rushing things, and if he proposed to me today I'd actually be pretty freaked out....it's more that I'm excited to be in a relationship, and I love the idea of being a wife and a mother. Every girl fantasizes about this stuff whether they admit it or not...also I'm 30, so I dont think I'm TOO crazy for having this stuff in the back of my mind.
@@BaileyConnell Know how you feel, though with my ex, after six months, a few red flags, and St. Therese nearly pelting me with roses, I knew it wasn't going to work out. Marriage and motherhood has been the vocation I've been called to, at least, from what I understand from all the novenas I've prayed, and going to be thirty tomorrow, it's not easy for me I guess because I thought I would have been married with children by now. But I guess my main problem is patience, or lack thereof, and God is insisting on making sure I lean some things before we even meet, apparently. It's hard, yes, but it will be worth it.
Fantasy is a cool thing. (BUT) The truth is that being Husband and Wife is A LOT harder than you think. You both have to be willing to die for each other. And not just in the sense of, If some one pulls a gun. Your job like it or not ( and his too) is to get each other to heaven and be saints above all besides having and properly raising kids. Your life is for him and his for you. Are you really thinking it through. Or just wanting to play house. Not trying to knock you or him. Just some people need a wake up call. I do wish you too the best however.
Yes on learning to problem-solve. If the other person can't collaborate in problem-solving, it's probably not meant to be. Yes on patience; always good, due to being a virtue. However, waiting, by itself, doesn't make a relationship better per se. It just makes it older. It does, of course, give the two participants a chance to get to know each other and become used to each other's idiosyncrasies, (as well as discover the truth about any deceptions that one or both have been trying to use on the other,) but it's not guaranteed to fix things. Always be vigilant.
One of the things I loved, was how my parents communicated. Prayer was always part of this discussion to from both of them. I learned from my dad that they would first discuss the subject. Then they would figure out which one of them knew more about it so they could look into it. Whoever knew the most about it investigated and came back with what they discovered. Then the two of decide what the best response would be to that situation. And then, after that, they would come to a decision. The second way was if they both came up with the exact same information. They would literally come up with the best decision they could make. And always together as one and united. I know one of things they did was list, pros and cons. I admired both of them for their consistent and loving responses to try to come up with the best answer to a solution always together and always united as one.
Great tips Fr. Mike. Not only they're true, but nowadays especially between youngers, are more common to rush into relationship without being prepared to what it takes to live in a healthy and mature relationship. Most of them tends to go through the motion when it comes to relationship just because they're completely in love with their partner, forgetting that respecting TIME and learning how to solve problems are fundamental for those who want to construct a family and live well.
Father you should make podcasts, I would definitely listen to them!
Trust me father Mike, coffee is a Major gift from God!!!!!
Father you're getting to be a great poet! First you said you never know how God will use your story for His glory, now you've got three tips for relationships....lol I think we'll need a rap from you at some point 😂
But really, I loved this. We're going to be talking about relationships this week in confirmation class, so definitely the work of the Holy Spirit that you put this video out this week 💙
There things only time can reveal... Thanks for this, Father Mike.
I think you can apply the same principles to friendship (especially Father Mike, who CAN'T date). It's good to get to know someone over a period of time and not all at once, because if you're best bros in a month, where can you go but down after that? Taking time to grow close to someone and realize their talents as well as their flaws is the most healthy way to love them. That gives the bond time to properly grow, and if something pops up you can forgive them instead of feeling betrayed.
I feel this is addressed to people who are like 20. The dynamics are different when you're like 40.
Ascension press is an catholic media which evangelizes to 18-24 year olds and this particular priest works at a college.
Oh really?
A very wise person once said to me, no matter who you marry, you wake up, married to someone else. And you let the chips fall where they may. Advice. I should’ve taken it I didn’t because I knew better than everybody else. It didn’t end well. Because you’re right you don’t talk about the same things at six months that you talk to 16 months or after 24 months or after he’s been gone for 25 days on a business trip. People change, and that’s a really important lesson. I taught one of my children that lesson. The other one it wouldn’t of mattered if I talk to him till I was blue in the face he was never going to get married, and he was never going to have children and if you asked him why he say I grew up 19 years in my parents house. I know everything there is to know.
I wish you had come out with this video MONTHS ago! My sister just married a guy she dated less then a year cause "God wills it". She wouldn't listen to me when I asked her to delay till next fall, or even next Spring. I hope it turns out well but rushing in rarely does......please pray .
He says dont have a time limit but i think there are basic milestones you follow. I think an engagement after a year is perfectly fine. Wait anither 6 - 12 months for the actual marriage as you slowly start getting ready for a joint life together.
Relationship shouldnt be about following a set of rules (well i mean except the obvious 10) you should enjoy the ride both ups and downs.
Learning how to make decisions TOGETHER. I need to work on this in my relationship. Thank you Father
My fiancé and I can confirm the one about time. I just proposed to her around 3 months ago and we are getting married on November 2019. We are getting closer to 8 years of relationship and maybe that's too much (5 years would've been enough for us), but we met when we were really young and we were waiting until we finished studying university. But I think that people romanticize marriage too much and never take it seriously and that's probably why there's so much divorce. You really need to know each other and commit for a lifetime.
This is exactly what I needed to hear. Just 2 hours ago I was praying for guidance in this sort of situation. Something told me to go see what videos Ascension Presents has uploaded, noting that I probably haven't watched one of their videos in about 2 months. I believe that "something" was the Holy Spirit. Thank you so much
Thank you Fr Mike for your insight and humour. I would really like to hear you talk about separation/divorce which is often misunderstood by Catholics. I waited a long time before I met my husband whom I thought was a strong Catholic & my soulmate. After we married, I quickly found out he had major issues - controlling, abusive, critical. We have been separated for years. I needed to protect our young child from this & I am now seeking a divorce. I hope & pray that Catholics & everyone will be more understanding & not judge people who go through the heartbreak of a broken marriage. The church really needs to do more to reach out & help victims/survivors of domestic violence, which is more common than people realize. God Bless
I wouldn't say Catholics are the ones who misunderstand separation and divorce, but rather that most of the secular world misunderstands divorce and uses it as a quick fix or an easy out of a broken relationship they don't feel like trying to fix, especially when it started with being raised without the Church's morals and principles, which then led to poor decisions made as a lost and hopeless teenager or young adult, which led to dysfunctional relationships and unsound marriages. Of course you have a point that domestic violence victims should not be blamed for wanting to leave an abusive relationship, but they should also take seriously that God intended for people to get married once "til death do you part' or if the Church deems an annulment fitting and necessary. Only then can someone begin a new relationship and hopefully marry again.
I’m sorry for your pain. This is more common than you think. And yes, I would also love for Fr. Mike to talk about these types of relationships. It’s a very heavy cross.
I can vouch for Fr. Mike’s advice about time. My wife and I got married 11 months after we met, and I would say that we were just plain blessed that it has worked out great thus far (4 years married and two kids). But I have seen other relationships that moved quickly like ours and fell apart. It is much more prudent to give those things time. On the other hand, the opposite cultural trend of “testing the waters” and being incapable of entering into marriage even after 4-6 years of dating seems equally bad to me (as Fr. Mike says).
From my point of view, not only the time you are together plays a role, but also the age.Waiting 6 or 7 years to get married seems very long for someone in their mid 20s, but if you meet your partner when you are 15 or 17 years old, it will help to wait 4 to 7 years for the wedding very much.;)
I have read an old catechesis book that said to wait for 6 months to two years to decide to marry or not. More than two years is already two long. That's what I plan to do though.
I was wondering why I placed an empty chair next to me. That chair is next to me because I am not alone. It's overwhelming right now. I am really physically alone. I know that there are people who care about me though. I surround myself with light and love. And I will nurture whomever God places in my life. I recognize the gift.
Sorry I don't quite understand you.
There are people around you or no ?
It is scarring me how all your video topics are exactly what I need to here, every time! A God moment for me every time your videos are posted :) Thank you!
Why would that scare you ?
Thanks Fr, Mike! Once you get married, your whole world changes. We got married after 2 years of dating and we basically had to completely rebuild our relationship from the ground up through the course of our marriage. There were lots of highs and lows. Then we found Worldwide Marriage Encounter. You can find hope and heart in your relationship through faith and through each other!
This is true. Fr Mike makes it seem as if you can somehow magically through discernment prevent the tough ride you may have in marriage due to tons or various circumstances. You, your spouse, health, your surroundings, and also your relationship will not be a constant - you will be surprised.
Thank you Fr. Mike Schmidt for these videos. They have substantially helped me in growing in the Catholic faith and thus in my personal life.
Well Fr. Mike, generally I agree with you and we have always said the same to our 3 children who are now happily (I pray) married.
Having said that, when I met my husband, we had some issues trying to go on dates, with him travelling for work and with me being very sick with acute tonsillitis. Fast forward one year and we met again, and fell in love almost right away. We were married 11 1/2 months after that “first” date. We have now been married 33 years (on November 14th) and are still like we were 33 years ago. It was not always easy, I had psychotic post-partum depression after each child (3 in 4 years, lol!), I have clinical depression for which I have medicine, and now my poor body is falling apart, literally, at 61 and yet.....we are still just as happy if not much more than the day we were married. My husband is wonderfully thoughtful as I am (I hope), we still try our best to set the example for our children and their spouses. Btw, they all dated for a couple of years before marrying because we encouraged it.
So yes, it is good to be dating a decent amount of time and if your priest can see your relationship for himself, he might go ahead and marry you. Our priest spoke with us and agreed to marry us when we wanted and did not require us to take the marriage prep course. I guess we were just ment to be! We always say that it was God who brought us together! Not us! We still pray and thank him everyday for doing that for us.
Great video, but all that said there are some rare circumstances where you can be married quickly but not always advisable. We, for one, would not change a thing. God brought us together because he knew we needed each other to be complete.
God bless!
I went to a Christian college where the joke about senior girls on campus was "Ring by spring."
You might never see this comment Father but thank you for everything that you say You have saved my life even though you might not know it.I prayed to God for an angle and He sent me you.May God bless you for the rest of your life.
Your vedios are awesome father
Father Sassy should have his own series of videos.
It could be a series like “You know what Grinds my Gears” haha
WOW I didn't realise how useful this would be in my life right now. Thank you, Father.
Thank you Father Mike for your timely advice.. as always!
Yes I agree the Catholic church should talk more about domestic abuse
Because not only is it the Woman that's affected
But the children very badly
"Some things only time can reveal" -Amen!! Here's praying for my daughters to learn that.
Some good book is his needs her needs, and the five languages too. People shouldn't rush into marriages and people shouldn't push people into marriages too.
I completely agree with the time sentiment. I’m now engaged to my soon to be husband and I can’t wait for the big day. And when we first started dating 5, almost 6 years ago, I knew from month 2 that he was special. He was meant to be a part of my life and help me grow in ways I didn’t yet know. But I didn’t know until years later, after we had both experienced loss, happiness, and stress that he was the person I wanted to come home to every night and spend my time with. He proposed to me shortly after our 5th anniversary and I said yes. This is a relationship that has taken years to build and because of it, I think we’ll make it for the rest of our lives
The problem with trying to achieve almost scientific discernment is that you might be that much more upset by any disappointments that come after marriage - because they will run contrary to your 'perfect' discernment. The best marriages I know tied the knot quite early (1-2 years). In some way, marriage is about going all in (with some common sense). But! Main point should be - there are LOTS of factors at play...
You're a saint!! God bless you and thanks for all the awesome videos!
Hahaha really great advice I've been in a relationship with my GF for 6 months. Met her about 1 year before that. Can't lie to you been thinking about it. Even today I was talking to my friend about how I've made up my mind 😂 Nonetheless this is huge advice with perfect sense. Not to justify myself, but we both have felt like we've already gone through personal growth, tests, sweet moments, guided by God. With both of us hinting at each other from time to time that we know we're supposed to get married lol. I gotta tell you it's been so much more difficult to me and father Mike's advices and videos have been huuuuge help for me, just like this one. 🙌🏻
Thank you Father Mike.
number 4 (he almost said it)
Learn to pray together.
There was a poll a few years ago that found that Christians and non-Christians had about the same divorce rate but of those who pray and read the scriptures together, the rate of divorce was 1:1000. It really does work. You're upset about something your SO does, you feel wronged, you want revenge, aaarghh!!!! then you go to God and he says, "you're an idiot (so to speak)" the anger, the hostility melts away after being in His presence and you have a chance to go back...over and over again. You want one of those marriages where the sparks fly all the way into your old life?
True! Prayer is necessary in any relationship
It's almost the same as problem solving. ,,
Actually practicing Catholics have exceptionally low divorce rates according to this study I read. It's like 24%
Most of my family are..and have remained #married
Watching Duke Catholic mass now
Made my day... there is some things only time can reveal.
Learning to make décisions. ..together. ,transparently. ..#goodone
Right on point Father Mike. GOD BLESS everyone ☝️🙏😊
My mother at the age of 16 went before the Blessed Sacrament asking God to give her a husband. I’m so glad she did. My dad was way ahead of his time and very egalitarian with his wife and with his children. As head of the house, he definitely took the lowest position and stayed there. You can’t even imagine the ways that my dad served and loved my mom. My highest recommendation is to go before the blessed sacrament and ask God to give you the person you are to marry. 🙏🏼🛐🕊️🙏🏼
Love your wisdom father, I feel my mind is really improving and being reframed to something so much better the more I listen to you,👏
Thank you for these videos, always so encouraging and helpful!
My parents, who got engaged after knowing one another only 3 months, were married in 1970 and are still happily married.
I think this shows they both had good, pure hearts.
Thank you, Father Mike! Needed this ASAP!!!
Thank you Father Mike for this video. I made the mistake in my 20s of rushing into relationships because I wanted the intimacy. I was lonely and thought a relationship would fill that void. Phew was I wrong and God spared me from marrying the wrong man twice. I am now almost 40 and while I am not dating anyone, I am ok with that. If God sends me someone, that would be wonderful but I have learned that marriage is too great a decision to jump into or take lightly. You have to live with this person as long as you both shall live and if you can't get along or be on the same page while dating, its not going to resolve itself by getting married.
well yes that is true.
If you want to meet somebody though, best not to only wait around.
Thank you Fr. Mike Schmitz! God bless!
Thank you Father Mike💕
This was beautiful! Thank you Father Mike!
Thank you for this reminder Fr. Mike!
Thank you, Fr. Mike.
I needed this. Thank you Father Mike
Thank you for being so real!
Thank you Frmike!
Great insight, Fr. Mike.🙏💕
Father Mike, Thank you for this video.
Listen to Father Mike. This is so true.
God bless Fr. Mike hope you all have a great day/night remember you are not alone God loves you and we are all here for you🙏🏽❤️🕊😁
Thanks for the fun at the beginning.
Thank you father, It is true, time reveals everything. Don't rush.
Fr.Mike is spittin out some wisdom here
I am so blessed to have your videos in my life. You are so wise and you offer so many alternative perspectives. What I love is that you broaden the mind without spreading hate 🙌🏼 May God bless you Fr Mike ❤️
Always amazed by his words, also how large his hands are. Blessings!
Father Mike has the amazing ability to discern and speak more words in a given minute than ANYBODY I have ever encountered on youtube or any place else for that matter.
An 8 to 10 minute presentation from him is the equivalent of an entire conference from others. How blessed are we to share in his lessons, in his wisdom and his abilities...and how blessed is Father Mike from the Father Almighty - who bestowed so much in him.
When you are abundant in His blessings you share them with others...so God can see your cup emptied and pour out another. The proof of that...is evident in these videos. With much heartfelt appreciation from Canada....
You are so awesome, father Mike
This video is a gift. Thank you!
Thank you !
Wow. Like... All my life I've been taught to do RIGHT the oppositte with decisions. Thank God that He showed me that was not the best to do. Thanks Father! From Argentina!
Father Mike I have to honestly thank you for everything. As I was seeking God for myself, I came upon your videos and there’s been a great change in my life. I’ve been watching your videos for over year and I feel so spiritually fulfilled. I do not attend church often because church is starting to become an unsafe space, especially for the youth and so I’ve taken to watching your little sermons. Thank you for helping me rebuild and strengthen my relationship with God, you’re truly fulfilling your purpose. God bless you ♥️
Great video topic! I cant wait to watch this!
I think these videos are truly inspiring, thanks so much for doing them. With love from over on the other side of the pond!!!
Really needed this just now. Cheers!
Thanks Fr.
Good advise, Fr. Mike.
Definitely a great message to hear on my birthday and start another year with good relationship advice :)
Greetings F.M. Although I'm single, your words resonated. Thank you.x
Love this video thankssss
I'm 19 months fully caffeine free. Its hard but worth it.
Hi Fr. Mike good afternoon. Just wanted to let you know that my husband Miguel and I always watch your videos and do a lot of discerning and meditation right after them because they have help us to grow personally spiritually and to share with others what we have learned. And some we have even shared with our kids. Great keep up the good work for Jesus. God bless you.
Amen
Great topic for a video! especially for students in college
Fr. Mike, personally i think it's unfair to group all relationships into a certain time frame during which they should grow. Rather, perhaps it's better to advise that couples discuss the tough questions very early on so that they know what they're getting into sooner rather than later. Every relationship grows in intimacy at a unique pace in my opinion. No matter what you're gonna learn many things about someone that you didn't know before marriage - but marriage is there to provide the couple with the tools and grace to figure it out/compromise/work together.
This!!! I've read every single comment here, and I couldn't agree more. Yes.
People don’t change. In time, you just get to know them better.
Dang Father Mike why don’t you just @ me next time 😩
Think father Mike is hyper active 😂😂😂super cute ,love listening to you ,thank you , God Bless
Gods timing is amazing. I need to translate this to Spanish and show my boyfriend lol
Thanks!
Thank you