Thank you for talking about this! Also just note, a lot of people who struggle with infertility don’t want to talk about it with the general public. So if you see someone married for several years, please don’t joke about it or push for answer to the question “ when are you guys going to start having kids” and make comments. Those simple comments can be so hurtful. You never know what someone is experiencing. 💙
Jess, I have been on both sides of the struggle; I have been through fertility treatments, pregnancy loss, and now I’m expecting our second. After my loss everything triggered me; I deleted all my socials, barely ever used my phone and yet the pain still found me (a co-worker’s email announcing she was going on maternity leave). I had to tell my family members with babies “hey I’m not ready for updates or pictures but I’m thinking of you”. When you’re in severe pain, the whole world feels like torture but it is your responsibility to manage your own feelings. Other people are allowed to be happy and you’re allowed to be sad. Now that I’ve had a child and am expecting again I am very conscious of how I tell people. My rule is to message them as casually as possible and to invite them to the conversation when they’re ready. I think the most important thing is to just make sure everyone knows their feelings are valid; you can be angry or sad or excited just be conscious and kind.
I have also been on both sides and the only issue I have with this perspective is that the children are overlooked and under prioritized for the sake of adults’ feelings. No one is owed anything if children are not owed the love and support from family.
Thank you for this video Jess. I’m currently going through this with a friend and she has asked for space. I know it isn’t personal and more a reflection of all she is struggling with because she told me. Still my heart goes out to her for all she has dealt with (loss of a child, multiple miscarriages) and I so want her to have another child. She is so deserving of this that I want to cheer her on. But I’m trying to respect her needs and hope we can come back together in time.
I think you handled this topic so well. I appreciate the analogy of the sunburn. It illustrates the experience very clearly. Thank you for your tenderness and compassion!
This video is 🙌🏻🩷🌈 I’ve been both sides of this issues, first years of infertility and loss, and now seeing a close family member/ friend go through and seeing her withdraw as I see the pain seeing my kids brings her… I want to be authentic and open with the reality and hard moments of being a mom that I’m living through now, but I remember so vividly that feeling of being like a balloon that could be popped by anything. I think it’s so easy for people to offer advise or tips, when all you really want is someone to hear you, empathise with you and THEN ask „what do you need? To let out frustration? to cry? To rant about it? Do you need positivity? Or do you need ideas? Or do you just want me to sit in this hole with you for a bit?“ maybe it’s not the perfect but I feel like people skip to how they think you can solve it so quickly, with good intentions. Maybe just be patient, don’t read too much into the silence, keep reaching out little olive branches and ways to see them where they can lead the way.
I truly LOVE that no one showed up SO THAT you were able to film THIS MESSAGE that can help THOUSANDS!!! If 5 or ten mothers had shown up, only those present would have benefited….instead so many people will be blessed with THIS MESSAGE!!!❤❤❤❤ I will forever think of the “sunburn” analogy-it goes across every gamut of emotional issues between sisters/friends/anyone!! Truly EPIC JESS💕🙌💕🙌💕
Jess, so well said! I’ve lost two sons in the second trimester and no living children yet. I have learned so much in this season of life but I would say the number one thing is everyone just wants to be seen. Moms having a hard time want to be seen and known in there struggles. Loss mamas that are grieving and trying to learn a new way of life without there babies just want to be seen and known in that. It’s such a complicated thing at times but I agree with just starting and having a conversation really helps everyone mutually.
I am so sorry for what you’ve been through. Thank you for contributing to the conversation. What you are walking through is so painful and I hope you have people who love you well in the process.
The sunburn analogy is SO helpful! I’m so impressed by the way you speak about mental health. I’m a therapist and I always really value what you have to say about mental health related topics. I know you’ve been through the wringer when it comes to your own mental health struggles and all the work you’ve done to get through those struggles really shows when you talk about topics like this. 💗
Yes i compleatly agree. I went through many years of infertility and 4 rounds of ivf. Now i have my 2 year old son but i always have empathy for women still going through infertility. ❤😊❤
I’m currently going through this with a friendship. I got pregnant very quickly where my friend has been trying for over a year and hasn’t been able to get pregnant. I have tried to continue to be there for her during her journey but she hasn’t been there at all for me.. I’ve been pregnant for 5 months and it hasn’t been the easiest and she hasn’t asked once how I am doing.. ill message her just to let her know I’m thinking of her and she thanks me for the message but doesn’t reciprocate with any questions to ask how I am. I recognize she is hurting, but it just feels so one sided and hurts me if I’m being honest.
Thank you for being open about this. What you’re describing is a common experience I hear about and it’s not easy. Pain has a weird way of isolating us. I hope you and your friend are able to make it through this and that you have other friends who can help carry you through pregnancy. 💛
I went through this recently too - my best friend of 20 years has been struggling with fertility for over 10 years and I got pregnant seven months and into a new, and wonderful relationship. Fortunately, she has been able to express to me that she feels both happy and sad… And I know what that’s like because I had miscarriages and then watched all of our other friends have babies. She is now the only one in our friend circle, and her family, who wants a baby and does not have one. We talk once a week and the subject comes up pretty much every time. She talks about how things trigger her… Seeing a flyer out in public for a mommy and me class… Me talking about how difficult it’s been on my body postpartum… and I’m here for it. And so grateful to have a friend who is able to express these feelings to me, and still be happy for me. I don’t really have any advice here, but as the video said, talk about it. I have a feeling your friend is grieving… Hard. And if you’re still pregnant, the grateful only grow after the baby. I try not to tell my friend “your time will come”… Because honestly, it might not. And they do not have the funds for fertility treatments. So, I know that she may be grieving this for quite some time. But in the meantime, she told me she is going to absolutely love being an aunt. ❤️ and she’s killing it!
I will say- from the friend that has had a hard time with fertility & loss, the pain and comparison that can come with friendships that haven’t endured that pain, can be excruciating! Just trying to give the other sides perspective here! I know it doesn’t make it better or even “okay” but there is a sense of jealousy I felt toward people who didn’t deal with what I did, so I pushed them away. Even if I loved them. One day, after my miscarriage, I sat on my couch after receiving a text my girlfriend got pregnant on her second cry. I put my face in the pillow and screamed while crying “why god, why me?” It can be sooooo painful to watch others get what you pray for. Both sides are hard. Lots of grace for whatever season your friends are in!
I didn’t struggle with fertility, but my first baby needed to be in the NICU. We handled it smoothly at the time, but anytime a friend would have a baby, their newborn experience was triggering for me. Even for my closest friends, I couldn’t look at their birth or hospital pictures because it hurt too much. I can’t imagine how much harder it is when EVERYTHING relating to children is triggering that way
One and done not by choice here. Just let go of our ttc journey after 2 years and 6 miscarriages. So many friends with multiple kids and getting pregnant again. Sunburn analogy: 100%
❤ Have you ever considered becoming a therapist? Your tone and the way you speak is so comforting and reassuring! 💕 Great video and great ideas, such a difficult situation to deal with. 💔
Thank you for making this video 🫶🏻 I have been on both sides of this and it really isn’t talked about enough and I feel like the reason is, we don’t know HOW to talk about it. I was really taken aback by how cruel people I called my friends could be when I was experiencing loss. Now, on the other side of it, I see that they were not trying to be cruel, they literally had no idea what to say or do. Many people default to “at least” comments in these scenarios, which are never helpful. It just invalidates that person’s experience and further isolates them. But thank you for shedding your light on this topic 🤍 I hope we can all get bettet at talking about something that affects so many of us
Thank you for talking about this! Also just note, a lot of people who struggle with infertility don’t want to talk about it with the general public. So if you see someone married for several years, please don’t joke about it or push for answer to the question “ when are you guys going to start having kids” and make comments. Those simple comments can be so hurtful. You never know what someone is experiencing. 💙
Jess, I have been on both sides of the struggle; I have been through fertility treatments, pregnancy loss, and now I’m expecting our second. After my loss everything triggered me; I deleted all my socials, barely ever used my phone and yet the pain still found me (a co-worker’s email announcing she was going on maternity leave). I had to tell my family members with babies “hey I’m not ready for updates or pictures but I’m thinking of you”.
When you’re in severe pain, the whole world feels like torture but it is your responsibility to manage your own feelings. Other people are allowed to be happy and you’re allowed to be sad.
Now that I’ve had a child and am expecting again I am very conscious of how I tell people. My rule is to message them as casually as possible and to invite them to the conversation when they’re ready.
I think the most important thing is to just make sure everyone knows their feelings are valid; you can be angry or sad or excited just be conscious and kind.
I have also been on both sides and the only issue I have with this perspective is that the children are overlooked and under prioritized for the sake of adults’ feelings. No one is owed anything if children are not owed the love and support from family.
Thank you for this video Jess. I’m currently going through this with a friend and she has asked for space. I know it isn’t personal and more a reflection of all she is struggling with because she told me. Still my heart goes out to her for all she has dealt with (loss of a child, multiple miscarriages) and I so want her to have another child. She is so deserving of this that I want to cheer her on. But I’m trying to respect her needs and hope we can come back together in time.
I think you handled this topic so well. I appreciate the analogy of the sunburn. It illustrates the experience very clearly. Thank you for your tenderness and compassion!
Thank you so much ❤️
This video is 🙌🏻🩷🌈 I’ve been both sides of this issues, first years of infertility and loss, and now seeing a close family member/ friend go through and seeing her withdraw as I see the pain seeing my kids brings her… I want to be authentic and open with the reality and hard moments of being a mom that I’m living through now, but I remember so vividly that feeling of being like a balloon that could be popped by anything. I think it’s so easy for people to offer advise or tips, when all you really want is someone to hear you, empathise with you and THEN ask „what do you need? To let out frustration? to cry? To rant about it? Do you need positivity? Or do you need ideas? Or do you just want me to sit in this hole with you for a bit?“ maybe it’s not the perfect but I feel like people skip to how they think you can solve it so quickly, with good intentions. Maybe just be patient, don’t read too much into the silence, keep reaching out little olive branches and ways to see them where they can lead the way.
I truly LOVE that no one showed up SO THAT you were able to film THIS MESSAGE that can help THOUSANDS!!! If 5 or ten mothers had shown up, only those present would have benefited….instead so many people will be blessed with THIS MESSAGE!!!❤❤❤❤
I will forever think of the “sunburn” analogy-it goes across every gamut of emotional issues between sisters/friends/anyone!! Truly EPIC JESS💕🙌💕🙌💕
Jess, so well said! I’ve lost two sons in the second trimester and no living children yet. I have learned so much in this season of life but I would say the number one thing is everyone just wants to be seen. Moms having a hard time want to be seen and known in there struggles. Loss mamas that are grieving and trying to learn a new way of life without there babies just want to be seen and known in that. It’s such a complicated thing at times but I agree with just starting and having a conversation really helps everyone mutually.
I am so sorry for what you’ve been through. Thank you for contributing to the conversation. What you are walking through is so painful and I hope you have people who love you well in the process.
The sunburn analogy is SO helpful! I’m so impressed by the way you speak about mental health. I’m a therapist and I always really value what you have to say about mental health related topics. I know you’ve been through the wringer when it comes to your own mental health struggles and all the work you’ve done to get through those struggles really shows when you talk about topics like this. 💗
Thank you so much! Your words mean a lot to me. Especially as a therapist ❤️ you get it.
Yes i compleatly agree. I went through many years of infertility and 4 rounds of ivf. Now i have my 2 year old son but i always have empathy for women still going through infertility. ❤😊❤
I’m currently going through this with a friendship. I got pregnant very quickly where my friend has been trying for over a year and hasn’t been able to get pregnant. I have tried to continue to be there for her during her journey but she hasn’t been there at all for me.. I’ve been pregnant for 5 months and it hasn’t been the easiest and she hasn’t asked once how I am doing.. ill message her just to let her know I’m thinking of her and she thanks me for the message but doesn’t reciprocate with any questions to ask how I am. I recognize she is hurting, but it just feels so one sided and hurts me if I’m being honest.
Thank you for being open about this. What you’re describing is a common experience I hear about and it’s not easy. Pain has a weird way of isolating us. I hope you and your friend are able to make it through this and that you have other friends who can help carry you through pregnancy. 💛
I went through this recently too - my best friend of 20 years has been struggling with fertility for over 10 years and I got pregnant seven months and into a new, and wonderful relationship.
Fortunately, she has been able to express to me that she feels both happy and sad… And I know what that’s like because I had miscarriages and then watched all of our other friends have babies.
She is now the only one in our friend circle, and her family, who wants a baby and does not have one.
We talk once a week and the subject comes up pretty much every time. She talks about how things trigger her… Seeing a flyer out in public for a mommy and me class… Me talking about how difficult it’s been on my body postpartum… and I’m here for it. And so grateful to have a friend who is able to express these feelings to me, and still be happy for me.
I don’t really have any advice here, but as the video said, talk about it. I have a feeling your friend is grieving… Hard. And if you’re still pregnant, the grateful only grow after the baby.
I try not to tell my friend “your time will come”… Because honestly, it might not. And they do not have the funds for fertility treatments. So, I know that she may be grieving this for quite some time. But in the meantime, she told me she is going to absolutely love being an aunt. ❤️ and she’s killing it!
I will say- from the friend that has had a hard time with fertility & loss, the pain and comparison that can come with friendships that haven’t endured that pain, can be excruciating! Just trying to give the other sides perspective here! I know it doesn’t make it better or even “okay” but there is a sense of jealousy I felt toward people who didn’t deal with what I did, so I pushed them away. Even if I loved them. One day, after my miscarriage, I sat on my couch after receiving a text my girlfriend got pregnant on her second cry. I put my face in the pillow and screamed while crying “why god, why me?” It can be sooooo painful to watch others get what you pray for.
Both sides are hard. Lots of grace for whatever season your friends are in!
I didn’t struggle with fertility, but my first baby needed to be in the NICU. We handled it smoothly at the time, but anytime a friend would have a baby, their newborn experience was triggering for me. Even for my closest friends, I couldn’t look at their birth or hospital pictures because it hurt too much. I can’t imagine how much harder it is when EVERYTHING relating to children is triggering that way
One and done not by choice here. Just let go of our ttc journey after 2 years and 6 miscarriages. So many friends with multiple kids and getting pregnant again. Sunburn analogy: 100%
❤ Have you ever considered becoming a therapist? Your tone and the way you speak is so comforting and reassuring! 💕 Great video and great ideas, such a difficult situation to deal with. 💔
Yes I have! I just haven’t gone to college and starting at the beginning now seems daunting. I might though!
My best friend has fertility issues and it's a real wedge between us. I still don't know how to make it better.
Thank you for making this video 🫶🏻 I have been on both sides of this and it really isn’t talked about enough and I feel like the reason is, we don’t know HOW to talk about it. I was really taken aback by how cruel people I called my friends could be when I was experiencing loss. Now, on the other side of it, I see that they were not trying to be cruel, they literally had no idea what to say or do. Many people default to “at least” comments in these scenarios, which are never helpful. It just invalidates that person’s experience and further isolates them. But thank you for shedding your light on this topic 🤍 I hope we can all get bettet at talking about something that affects so many of us