The Root Causes of Low Self-Esteem May Surprise You
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- Опубліковано 31 січ 2023
- The only way we learn to have low self-esteem and feel worthless is during childhood. This is the parenting and the message we received from our parents.
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When you repeat a behaviour systematically that is no mistake. Children don't learn they're worthless with a couple of mistakes. You have to tell them more times than not that they are worthless. And sadly that is what many parents feel about the children, that's why they teach: "you are not good enough".
Absolutely 💯
But it doesn't have to be that direct. My parents never said you are worthless. But they were constant critics and having 5 kids didn't notice the imbalance in their parenting towards each child. They were so absorbed with their own problems, marital and financial, and taken up with work and especially my Mum, housework, so they didn't take the time to recognise the person who was inside each child. Instead it was just jobs that weren't done well enough, or school grades that could be improved or behaviour wasn't well enough etc Every now and then I received some encouragement in my art from my Dad, but then he'd shatter it just as quickly by being a harsh critic of my inexperienced attempts at painting.
Well i was told by my mother (Ive forgoven her ) as a lityle kid that if i didnt *behave* and *tow the line* badically she would thteaten to adopt me out.
@@jessethepersiankitty2377 that's so unfortunate. I'm glad you're over it now
Or the parents who don’t say anything negative but nothing positive either. Not acknowledging a child and their efforts can be so detrimental.
A narcissist parent will destroy your self esteem deliberately! I know as a child of one. Still trying to recover after many years as an adult.
My mother was narcissistic as well I was never good enough...and she would brag in other people's kids right in front of me. I kept getting the message that I had no worth. I look back and discovered she treated me the way she sees herself because she came from an abusive household. That's no excuse but it's an explanation. At 52 I KNOW I should be further along in life...but right now I'm trying to 'fix' what all she's broken with her negative I've heard ALL MY LIFE... and that is my self-esteem, self- worth, self-confidence, and creating a positive self- perception. Imagine having kids and then taking all of your disappointments, discouragements, sadness, regrets, and anger out in them. They did nothing to deserve this. But I REFUSE to become her with my grandchildren and myself. I'm seeking out online counseling so I can move forward and have the Happy and Abundant life that I deserve. I pray the same for you!!❤
@@sweetsugar1014 Hi sweetie, I’m 66 yrs old and still working on recovering. I’ve found my faith in Jesus and realizing that I’m worth something. My mother is still the same but I stopped having any contact with her a few years ago. Best decision I’ve ever made. Sending my love and prayers to you. ❤️
@@sweetsugar1014It sounds like you are doing great!! Keep it Moving- Right??! Bless you and Best of Luck!!!!
Same. Let’s hope we both heal
@@sweetsugar1014❤ I'm happy for you, I'm proud of you ❤ I understand ❤
It’s not just parents, it’s our culture/society. My dad (widower) never made me feel “less-than,” but there is constant messaging in the media that we need to be naturally attractive and cooler than other people to be worthy of love.
Some parents are very deliberate about making their kids doubt themselves and stay dependent.
This all day.
Yes, some parents really are like this and it’s sickening.
.... for their own emotional balance and security. Shameful. Thanks Mam!!! LOL x
Yes 100% and they do it to their grandchildren too!
@@prismdiamondlight What do we do if they are manipulating and exploiting a grandchild? My parents made themselves in charge of an inheritance and they are hiding it. They are handing money to my sister AND she makes my nephew pay AGAIN for things he needs. He is double charged without his knowledge. I am tired of society saying “it’s not your business and don’t get involved”. He is very kind and kept naive. He is a gentle soul. He deserves better.
I had three children. None of them brought the “How to parent me” book with them. I treated them as individuals and with love and respect. They are good adults with children of their own now. I am very proud of them - and of myself, too. I was an abused (✔️ to all types) and neglected child. Parenting was easy for me - NEVER treat my kiddos the way I was treated and always do the exact opposite of the way I was raised!
❤BREAK THE CHAINS ⛓️ ❤
peace be to you, I'm so grateful someone like you exists and your children are so blessed to have a mother who does their best to give them everything you wanted despite not receiving those things. I understand some of how you feel because someday I would love to give my children the love I wish I received. I hope your husband and children give you all the love you desired and help you feel appreciated and worthy. ♡
@@freestylegamingartist8192 🙏🏼Blessings to you!
May the Lord’s love be with you, also 💕
Good job, that’s being a parent, I’ve raised wonderful children as well. Unfortunately for some of us it was a nightmare. I had two alcoholic parents, I was ignored, yelled at, beaten, told I was a mistake, my mom said that she wished I was never born and we were poor to boot. I’ve made a fantastic life for myself and my family. Unfortunately I have low self worth, I am struggling with alcohol and am my own worst enemy. I hid it for years, I never yelled, wouldn’t even think of hitting and I was extremely supportive. No matter what I did or what I’ve accomplished I felt as though I don’t deserve it. I am now realizing/accepting that it stems from my childhood. I look at my kids and it breaks my heart to imagine them going through what I did. I can’t understand how as a parent you could treat you own child so badly.
Thank You. You give me strength and hope❤
Respect to you ❤
I used to have a hard time blaming parents for everything wrong in a person's life. And then I had kids. I realized how easy it is to give kids good self esteem. They are born feeling good about themselves and seeking out connections. It's not hard to support this in them, even if you struggle, even if money is tight and life is hard. Just look around at all the loving supportive parents in terrible situations. It really takes active work to undermine your child's self esteem.
You don't get to raise your kids in the rubble of your trauma, while demanding all the mental energy be directed at you, all while snipping at your kids to degrade them so you feel better and then be surprised when they have low self esteem and don't want to be around you.
OMG
you described my covert npd "mother" with borderline flavor. after 24 years she's 63 today and she still the same. same pattern same phrases, same unexpected raged behavior, same negativity, same victim hood..
hope I will make my way out one day.
My parents are/were alcoholics. All of my energy as a kid went towards making sure they were okay. My entire world revolved around: “how can I keep them from fighting? How can I make my dad feel better about being broke, he shouts about money all the time when he’s drunk. How can I make sure he doesn’t drink and drive again? I’ll probably have to chase him down on my bicycle again. What if mom falls and hurts herself again? What if mom runs away drunk again and passes out on a strangers lawn again? How will I drag her home this time? Screw homework and school, my parents need to be taken care of.” I will never forget one night specifically, I was 14, it was around the time I dropped out of school. My parents would be up all night fighting until 5am. I would stay up to take care of them. I remember thinking, “there’s no way I can get up for school at 7am, in two hours. I have to drop out, my parents need me”. I’m 31 now, and I don’t have kids or a husband. Although I’d love to be a mother someday, but after an abusive long term relationship with an ex boyfriend, I’ve been single and celibate for over three years. I’m scared of people and have extremely low self esteem. My parents loved us so much, but they always came first.
Yes , it’s their fault, in my case my mother was so unhappy mentally unhealthy that treated me like she hated me, all my life I’ve lived with if this person who s supposed to love me the most , treats me like this , why would anybody else love me , she ruined my life , I suffered my whole life, but I will not give up , I will rewire my mental connections , I will become what I was unjustly denied
Your last sentence....
I can feel for you
U made me rhink when u said the person that was supposed to love me failed to do so, then y would anyone else love me....
I dont know if u r a Ms/Mr,but, lemme explain...
This world, its people, our birth givers are all an illusion...
My birth giver is quite opposite of me.. She never appreciated me
So, when she is an illusion..outside her, who can actually provide me with the love I never received..
So, I choose to work on healing myself and, helping others heal n work on myself spiritually
Same with me about my mom ruining my life.
You can do it 😊
and I end up trusting wrong people.
I can relate, tremendously.
Sometimes it can be siblings or other adults close in a child's life that cause this rather than parents.
I think that was my older brother... gotta love that homophobic 90s skate culture...
Was my older sister. She was cruel, merciless and knew what she was doing.
Worst was that my parents knew she was being monstrous and let her do it because she was the middle child, a girl, and funny.
There is a great difference between making mistakes and intentional sadism.
Exactly… this man is basically excusing and minimizing the deliberate harm that our abusive and neglectful parents did to us on purpose, and how we are doomed to forever suffer the consequences of their mistakes, and will need to spend the entire rest of our lives fixing what they did to us. Patents should absolutely be blamed for their consistent, deliberate, sadistic mistakes, and only abusers and their enablers think otherwise.
Also lack of awareness of their own behaviour and the effect it's having on their children.
i have a really bad low self esteem and it’s because of the friends i had in the past. it’s so hard getting over it 🥺
You'll get over it
Constant criticism and insufficient positive recognition, encouragement, rewards etc
This is what my mother did to me. She always demanded too much of me and it was never enough. She thought that she was doing good and making sure that I would be preprared for like, but it hurt more than protected me. Now I'm isolated, without self esteem, unhappy, and jobless despite being skillful in than most people.
Yea
There's a difference between making mistakes while trying your best, and being a mostly absentee parent who doesn't give a shit about you, actively puts you down and otherwise radiates negative energy towards and around you.
I feel so small inside even at the age of 40, after having achieved things I never would have thought possible, like owning a house, having a career, marrying a beautiful girl, and as a result of my inner turmoil, I've lost all of those things. My father completely ruined my life by planting this seed of self-doubt and self-hatred.
Plz go give EMDR THERAPY!! It completely changed my life and I have gone thru horrors in my childhood. That’s not you talking that your inner child(YOU) that’s hurting. You deserve to be loved and heard. You have to go and get that love first on a therapist couch then you will see your world open up. Plz take this advice and research and make appt!
I wanted my mother to be pure evil to explain her behavior but sometimes it's complex...like a parent who really does love you but hates you too. Also maybe it's not all your parents fault. It's society and our own bad luck.
@@betterfunliving7772 They should not have had me together.
It's what you do after the mistake that can help rebuild self esteem, lessen the negative impact
So true, I work on being happy everyday, after being always told," you were never planned, we are tired of parenting, you are on your own in dealing with the emotions of life!" So I did my best trying to understand people:-( I have had a very hard time in my life with jobs, always changing jobs, but I'm still plugging along.
Totally agree and in some cases it’s simply that kids watch how parents handle situations and if the parents didn’t have self worth it becomes learned behavior for some because we trust our parents know best
It doesn't always have to be words. It can be not showing your child any attention. Acting as if they are not there. Shame and low self esteem can develop.
The blame can only be laid at the feet of those who are the primary caregiver 🙏
Blame is on both mother and father, the father not raising a child is no excuse, both should be their to monitor and protect in all circumstances
Most parents are selfish 🗑️
Mine too. Cause they are IMMATURE!!
Selfish is ok . The problem is they wont leave you . They will assault you
Yep! 💯💯💯
It's been more than 18 years. I don't think it's a mistake sir.
Think carefully BEFORE HAVING KIDS. They ain’t puppets or toys or an experiment!! Close your legs, use protection, or practice plain ole abstinence. And read books about kids, get educated we get educated about everything else BUT biggest contribution to society are YOUR children!! They will be the future of tmr! Plz don’t take it lightly!! :)
Bullying is another huge factor to someone's self-esteem
I never told my daughter she didn't have worth. She's very sensitive and things at school went on that caused it. I always tried to encourage her. I was always there for her. She's grown now but has a destructive and addictive personality to go along with it.
But is doing better at 38 years old. ❤
I had a great childhood with the most loving and caring mother but a very distant dad who was uninvolved in our family life most of the time. I also have two brothers, one older who would often make fun of certain things I said or tease me about the things I expressed enjoyment over. I think this taught me not to value myself and my opinions much in life. My brother was just a kid himself so I don't blame him at all but small things like this can really be an underlying cause. Knowing where it comes from does help me put things into perspective today and work on how to break these type of thought patterns.
I was dating wrong persons all the time because of low self-esteem. Now I am learning and changing and evolving.
I know what you mean. And I also made big mistakes as a parent. But the one most important thing my parents did right and I hope to repeat with my children: a deeply rooted feeling of being loved and deserving love and being able to love. This safed me in times that were very dark and kept me from giving up.
I personally believe that parenting doesn't have to be hard. It's harder for those who had kids for the wrong reasons & didn't prepare themselves. We have to stop making excuses for parents. If parents wanted to do better, they would, if they valued their job. We all do what we value & in honesty, many parents didn't truly want to be parents in the first place as to why they were so bad at it.
Follow your heart.
Set certain boundaries.
Stock up. With cuddles. And quality time, outside of work.
I got my 3-year old to stop his tantrums when I picked him up at the day centre (once out of work) by leaving everything as it was in the house when we got home, changing into my home clothes and getting down there on the floor to play with him. Food, bath and the bedtime story came later. It worked.
A young mind is not yet capable to understand what's going on , taking things personally. Parenting requires maturity, patience and wisdom.
Not just parents though.
Depending on if you have siblings and how your siblings treat you while growing up can definitely have a large impact on it.
Or even how you’re treated in elementary, middle, and high school.
Unfortunately, there are a LOT of reasons for it
He articulated it soo well.
My self esteem was ruined by my child's father.......my mother always uplifted me.....I dont think a one size fits all method matches everyone...
No. Not at ALL.
Everything traces back to childhood though, you only mentioned your mother, was your father around? Theres an underlying reason of why you ended up with an abusive partner as an adult. Still 100% agree theres no one size fits all method for these things though!
@@sjtv1000 people with a great family can end up in abusive relationships, it can happen to anyone. A lot of times people can have low self esteem because they have chronic illnesses or because they got bullied in school or they have autism. Id does not always stems from childhood
That blue is stunning on you! ✨👌
good enough parents are radically different from People of the Lie who are just evil
I think you can make a mistake and make up for it. It is the constant abuse that breaks us down
There is no softness in a narcissistic person.
There is simply an evil disposition they are born with and hide very well even until death.
Accepting this truth will set you free to live your best life.
I had high self esteem until my adulthood. So no, it’s not just in childhood.
It's one of the main reasons, other thing is our surrounding
You didnt . It dont just crash .
@xcept7355 I think your right unless your raped.
@@xcept7355 Yes it does, through constant negative experiences / mistakes / negative feedback - you start to lose trust in yourself. That manifests in life and reinforces the beliefs. It's a death spiral. Get caught in one long enough, it changes you.
By your logic, it would be impossible to change your self esteem in adulthood?
You’re blowing my mind kenny
One of the main roots , how daughters , sons are raise .
Thank you for that 🎊
Parenting is a overwhelming job.
My parents were very loving and supporting towards me, but my self-esteem was destroyed in school.
I truly believe my parents didn’t want me they just had to deal with me because I was a mistake.
U r right sir....
My father called us “morons” all of our lives - until we grew up and moved out. I literally didn’t know that I was kinda smart until age 25.
Parents are typically young, still carrying the baggage of their childhoods. They just have no idea how to properly raise a child. Some figure it out over time, others don't. Others listen to unproven "give every kid a trophy" and "don't discipline." messaging from overly emotional and cerebral sources. We're all in this together and it's messy.
It amazes me how some people think that type of parenting you describe is problematic. Try having a parent who mentally destroys you then parentifies you so as a kid you end up taking on their adult roles and responsibilities for a household of 7 people as well as all their dysregulated adult emotional problems - as a kid!!
I wish my parents gave me trophies and didn’t discipline me!! That would have been so wonderful. Seems like everybody thinks they’ve been neglected these days. SMH.
@@livelystones7773 you hit the nail on the head. It is really about affection, caring and love shown to the child that makes kids strong adults.
I got a trophy, and then was told I didn't really deserve it.
@@toastiesburned9929 is it wrong to laugh at that?
@@fightswithspirits915 I guess, a little bit. They were 1st place trophies, not participation ribbons.
Thanks for saying this! I have come to realize the why’s behind my low confidence and deep insecurities; my single mother gave me what she had and unfortunately, it was not healthy; she was not healthy and still is a raging narcissist at 74 years old. I finally made the decision to disengage completely almost one year ago. And it was the best decision. I’m just beginning to discover the “real” me.
🙏 amen but aware and doing the work
I totally agree
thats right! Thanks Kenny!
Truth!!
True HOWEVER, self esteem is also informed by school crushes, teachers’ mistreatment, neighbors’ treatment, baby sitters etc. Self-esteem can be guided by parents in childhood but not entirely.
My childhood was good... loving parents. But my self-worth is gone. Our society and all the craziness that is destroying good people is what I blame... not my parents. ( in my case)
WOW 😳 true 💯
This is the hardest thing to heal. I dint want to spend the rest of my life healing this childhood pain. And it’s so deep.
The driving one. My son giggles because he heard me say the “S” word once when someone almost sideswiped us on his passenger side. But he says it’s ok. He understands! 😅
My mom always called us worthless
The interesting thing is that it's hard to rewire the brain even after learning about the effects of poor parenting.
"You are nothing, you never have been, nor will you ever be." Yep....heard it all the darn time.
That is correct I am absolutely agree with you
Absolutely true
My mother used to compare me with different kids since childhood. She liked to talk nonsense in front of my relatives. I felt humiliated in my heart but could not say anything. Everyone laughed at me, insulted me. Now I just think that if my mother had been right, a lot would have changed today. I am an introvert, I still have to listen to a lot but I try to stay in my place.
My entire family have always been supporting but I still have very low self esteem, so I don't think this applies to everyone
maybe u were bullied or have trauma u don't even know about
I’m really liking your videos 🎉
Exactly that's what happened to me. My parents, rather than being a positive critic and encouraging me to become the best version of myself, always made sure they tell me directly how lagging I m compared to other, how others are more beautiful than me, intelligent and talented than me, while in a group always downgraded me and told me to learn from others as I was not good enough according to them and compared every cell of mine to others . All these hurted me as hell, now I prefer being alone and having low confidence and self esteem. I somehow want to change myself. But I have become so much used to these that the positive changes actually seem too good to be real and scare the shit out of me.
Hey your name is Indian, r u based in India? If yes then how do you plan to tackle it?
totally agree
My parents were amazing and my self asteem is nowhere to be found. Mine comes from dating and not being wanted by anyone. Makes me hate myself. I look around at couples everywhere and all I think is oh he’s good enough, oh he was good enough, oh look he’s good enough. Why not me? Why am I never good enough
Thank you.
You're welcome!
But with be is the opposite, my parents always complimented me, every single thing, my appearance, my intelligence and art, so why do I feel I’m not who they think their daughter is?
No parent is perfect. No person is perfect.
Except your missing one thing, is that the parent might make 10 mistakes but if those mistakes keep happening is going to manifest in the way your child behaves.
It’s almost like most people shouldn’t be parents
I’ve been abused and parenting lovingly felt natural, it’s just as easy as abuse and neglect is, it’s a choice, stop excusing it with bullshlt excuses, bad parents have been using these all their lives
Truth
We are born in sin....don't blame yourself....read the living word God's love you and will give you understanding
Funny, In Christianity were supposed to blame ourselves.
Can you please do up your top button 😖 Love your work
It only require a right thoughts of parent. Even if they are busy or making mistakes they should know whats the next right step
Hmm I blame my parents till now am 30 am a drunker can't stop but I want to stop this sh.....t am blame them they are not care me when am start drink in am 17 I don't know what this is but yes u saying the true they also not in comfort zone to. I stop drunk sir.
I have an abusuive dad that he used to beat me up so much in my childhood and now I have no confidence in front of him I am never comfortable with him and now he abused me so much now I tear up even after a little bit of pressure 😢
The first word that children are programmed to is no. And its parents being fearful and trying to prevent them from getting hurt but it’s “no, no this, no don’t do that, no get away from there, no don’t touch that, no, no, no, no”
Beautifully said you’re exactly right. I discussed this topic in my next book and it’s because of this conditioning that we are all susceptible to the inability to say no ourselves or protect ourselves. It has deep rooted consequences for us all.
As I said, I lay all of that out in my newest book, your journey to being yourself
@@kennyweiss I have your first book on my Audible account. I can’t wait to revisit it and also dive into your newest book! I’ll be purchasing it on Amazon today! Thank you for all your contributions 🙏🏼
@@denisebarragan9993 how exciting. My latest book should be released on Audible, hopefully by the end of the month.
I hope you enjoy this new book as much as you did my first and thank you for your kind words
I disagree for the most part. Every child is not a blank slate. You can give different children the same upbringing and they will still be completely different from each other. Trust me, I am 1 of 5 siblings and have 4 of my own gems.
It couldn’t be the same…girls need different parenting than boys do. Different pressures and different roles in society and technology also influences them plus your own trauma passed down to them, in certain reactions to them when they were very small and had a blank slate. They need constant and considerable amount of love and attention.
It's nature AND nurture. One of those kids might be more sensitive to certain things. Calling one child names might be damaging and traumatic, while another will just brush it off as dad being an A-hole again. The fact of the matter is, if you were raised in a loving, nurturing environment, and no other major abuse occurred, none of the 5 children should have CPTSD.
“You’ll never amount to s**t” what does like 20 years of that in a regular basis do to a persons self esteem???
If we went to school and learned to be parents, it would give validity to parenting. More people would treat it seriously, people would more likely to plan when to have children, and government and employers would treat having children seriously. There is nothing in the world more important than caring well for future generations.
My low esteem came later in life, I just blame life itself
Invalidation ..bearing others trauma
Good for you. Parents can mess some children up!
my father still today tell me I don't have brain to do things.
i m 26 year old
I'm sorry that you had to deal with that, your father's an asshole, man
Imagine when all your Dad does is yell, never teaches you how to be a man or socialize with people. Just teaches you how to live in fear. I blame him 100%
Parents might be a factor. Yet, siblings, other kids, other family members, and others might contribute. Narcissists might still brew, even though they have good parents. I think the reason why Narcissists are breeding like fruit flies these day is due to most popular music these days. I've been listening to love/romance songs from the 60s to the 90s roughly and I find love radiates into other aspects of life when I've been listening to them for a while. So within, so without.
Telling the truth about how shitty our parents were is not blaming.
I wish you would do a video on your credentials? Why should we listen?
Or no parents and the one who took you would get pissed and say I wish I never took you . Family would say I’m the evil twin since I never took disrespect. Those things stick with you . I’m 37 still with zero confidence and always feel the need to prove I’m a good person. Still feeling like a throw away
And yet....i don't have excuses in the end to have the life i want and neither does amyone else.
dull mothers who need to be the center of attention via the role, ugh
My mother was a abusive alcoholic and may had done some evil things but i cannot prove it
😂😂😂
Being a parent is the hardest job
It IS my parent's fault. I'll say it for you. They messed me up.
If parents can't take proper care of their children, then they should not have them.
I know for a fact both of my parents we're not prepared to be parents. More so my mom then my dad he was a more mature adult and for the most part a good parent. My mother on the other hand grew up with a mother and father who grew up in crappy homes crappy home lives alcoholism and all the Trashy stuff that we see and think of when we think of poor American. Neither parent ever I said good job way to go it was always negative negative negative.
👍
So what does it say that neither of my parents mistreated me nor put me down really, but I STILL have jaw-droppingly low-self esteem?!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH BLAMING PARENTS
It's not blaming parents who are abusive & to hold them accountable for sourcing abuse and its impact. In these cases, what's wrong with "blaming parents"? Abusers will be and are accountable, in theory only? These are the issues behind crying "stop blaming parents" - avoiding responsibility and accountability from being "all about you"! Not the same as making occasional mistakes, not the same as learning from mistakes. Abusive and neglectful and manipulative and lying patterns are absolutely going to have accountability for the adverse impact at your hands, "parents". Not everyone should be/should of been a parent!