Yes, yes, well said. It hurts and is scary to admit that our egos are fragile little things. Much easier to just go cold or start cheating or something.
@@synthpea4286 I am fine with falling out of love but just make sure you divorce me or leave the relationship, never to come back if you cheat or go to someone else.
Find someone willing to grow, learn, and improve as much as you are and you'll both be happy and in love with each other for the rest of your lives. You go cold when you stop growing
@@marishkaspirit . Growth happens when the injured self object is healed , this healing occurs in the presence of another. Self healing may work temporarily when shielded by the comfort of isolation, but hurts and wounds will resurface when another partner is thrown in the mix.
@marishkaspirit cycles are perpetuated until cycles of life/death/life nature are lived through. It is not so much about the other person but how oneself experiences the other. If the other person is just too obnoxious and not allowing growth then we should bring into question why an individual finds his or herself with such a partner in the first place.
Different people have different desires. They view these desires as "needs." When their partner fails to meet those expectations, they lose interest in the partner and pursue their own interests separately. It's not always enough for one person to try to meet the other person's "needs." If they no longer desire to stay in the relationship, there's little their partner can do to persuade them. It's a sad reality. If we focus on the needs of others in our lives, we can usually find joy in life. When we focus on just our own "happiness," we will never find deep contentment because we can not control the thoughts or actions of others. Happiness is not the same as contentment.
@@Lori-lp6ucMe in a nutshell. Unlucky for me divorce is not an option. Will be miserable for the rest of my life so I'm living a life focused on me so I don't get disappointed and being let down continuously.
@@Langley_Ackerman19get out of that relationship if it’s hurting you. Based off of what you said, that is a very unhealthy and dangerous thing to do, to stay with them if you’re not happy
I feel like I go in a rabbit hole with these videos and then realise i'm becoming too self-aware and that i overanalyse every situation in my life... and it makes me more depressed and seeking for answers so i keep watching...
If the overthinking and overanalyzing leads to anxiety, I recommend avoiding these video "traps" and feed your soul in healthy ways, whatever that is for you. Obsessing does make you fall deeper in the hole and then you end up hurting yourself again and again. Take care❤️
@@Annemarie_case143 I was Christian since I was born. The Bible, new and old testament, certainly has much spiritual guidance and I will never deny it's power. But the Bible isn't enough, and a lot of us need someone with skin on to talk to and hold.
Dave Balmada this is more tragic to know this because the Bible even says the love of many will grow cold. This means many people will be heartless in these last days. Love is fading in this sinister world.
You're absolutely spot on. Which is why I fear a lot of people will believe the drivel coming out of his mouth. I watch these for the one in ten nuggets of value. The rest is just opinion and speculation and most of the time it comes from a frightfully pessimistic view of the world. I almost feel depressed after I've watched these videos. But then I remember I don't believe in any of this crap, I'm in charge of my own destiny. I shape my own world. I create my own value and happiness. Just skimming through the clips on the right I see "Why bother with marriage?" "Treat our partners like children" "Fated to be lonely" "Stay or Leave a Relationship" All bloody depressing issues to discuss however that's the beauty of what he's doing. He's picking topics we all wonder about so he can get the hits but I fear with his talking style and the simplistic imagery it's designed to be educational and preachy rather than debatable and people need to realise it's simply an opinion. "We need a forum where were can safely air our grievances?" Simply doesn't happen, a few may have it, others may be able to make it happen, but most of the time it's simply not manageable and it's only one of a host of things you need to make work to have a successful relationship. People who think their own needs are foremost in a relationship don't understand relationships. Live selflessly and nothing will be a problem. What you seek from a relationship will follow. It's only when we have expectations that we become disenchanted and the higher the expectations the greater the disappointment. I'd have been divorced ten times over if I didn't understand this fundamental mainstay of the human psyche.
Yk everybody makes mistakes, and there's absolutely nothing wrong in apologizing whether you're 5 or 50. I'm not asking them to say "I'm sorry" coz Ik it hurts to apologize to your own child, but a small "I didn't mean it" can actually be enough sometimes. I don't wanna hear the "I did this and that for you" or the "this is for the best". I'm a teenager, just let me be a teenager. When is that going to happen? Is that really too much to ask for?
@@iamwhoiwanttobe3317 not sure you re allowed to be a kid, they are there to teach you ''how to be an adult.'' OR to Obey Them. being a yourself or a kid is the mistake you keep making. and people wonder why thats carried into adult hood where you are telling your partner "I did this and that for you" or the "this is for the best". not sure your allowed to be you at all ever, unless you choose to be single.
I agree that it's really difficult to voice some things that bother us without sounding like a baby, which in turn can be really humiliating and saddening.
I find it strange that we don't learn about such essential things in school. We spend at least 12 years studying all kinds of stuff that we probably will never need, but actual life skills we have to figure out by ourselves for some reason. How much conflict, confusion and hurt could be avoided if we just understood ourselves and others better?
Well it shouldn’t be if you’re in a relationship w someone you love/trust. Eventually things will disintegrate due to poor/zero communication! Unless the woman is a doormat/weak, she will try try try until she gets nothing back and feels alienated/humiliated/rejected herself by her man (the one she loved and trusted!) and she will be DONE. No more chances after that.
I see many saying it hurts to be on the receiving end of the coldness, but I've been in both sides. Being cold with someone but still loving someone is awful.
Right! that’s what happens to me at times. I go cold and don’t know why. In the meantime, while trying to figure it out, the relationship seems to grow more distant and I get more hard on myself, more anxious and overanalyze which doesn’t help. I’ve already imagined a worse case scene by the time I’m able to communicate anything. If he’s attempting to ‘mend the ‘gap’ so to speak, or just being himself ..kind, helpful and supportive, it feels horrible cause I want even more to return the love and have things go back to the way they were. I’ve learned to focus on my life and what I need like meeting up with girlfriends, getting a fresh perspective, and focusing on good things about us so that I get less stuck in the belief that I ‘have to figure out’. Sometimes they don’t get resolved and after the anger subsides, I say man I was so upset with you, I thought such and such and have no idea why. Him sticking around through it is the only way I’ve learned to not take it serious.
This is literally what im going through right now. Ive been with my partner 6 almost 7 years and im starting to feel this way esp sexually (sorry for the TMI) and it makes me really sad bc i adore him and hes my best friend and i hate that im feeling this way.
tip: if you ever feel like you are bored of your partner but deep down have love for them, go on a trip by yourself with talking at all or just have some alone time to collect time and in due time you will start to miss your partner and when you meet up again you will find yourself so interested in everything they say.
So true I was feeling bored/alone was scared I was falling out of love! so I took a trip alone to see my dad and when I came back things was so perfect!
Or just grow up and quit looking at people like they're something to be bored of. Take responsibility maybe? Idk. I know that probably sounds rude but if you're in a relationship to be entertained maybe that's something to fix inside instead of outside
I recently had a fight with my husband about how he easily dismissed something I felt important. I don’t even remember what it was about but as I tried to explain I felt tears well up in my eyes. I know logically it wasn’t that important to my adult self but after watching this video I realize the child in me was hurting.
That's a big part of what made my love and attraction for my wife go cold. I thought for years that I could help heal the hurt that her inner child had, but eventually I got to the point where I felt like nothing I did made any difference, and my resentment at always being less important than what other men did to her in childhood grew to the point where I decided to turn off rather than hate her completely. Now I just live with her and deal with her, but I have neither expectations nor desires of her.
People are emotionally babies because we don’t give emotions enough importance. Emotions and relationships are so important it should be something we learn in school
yes! im sick of being told that my generation (millennial) and the one after us are too sensitive. the generations prior werent sensitive enough and now we have to do all of the emotional work.
How to live on your own, control your own finances learn about pensions and what a real relationship looks like should all be taught to kids from age 9 onwards. I don't think it's right to keep kids in the dark, give them as much information as possible.
I am proud to be married almost 32 years. I have a stronger deeper connection with my wife than I could have even imagined possible in our earlier years.
@@The1234fanatic Work at it everyday. Be realistic - it will not always be honeymoon fun. Make up your mind that you're committed to the long run. Communicate. Celebrate what you accomplish together.
What about if you're still deciding if they're the one? I'm trying to balance the full commitment model (Gottman) with the fact that we've only been together 6 months, and I'm already worried that his critical side isn't something that I'll be able to live with. He is open to counseling and improving our communication skills, though, so maybe there is hope. But I don't know how to approach our discussions with the not-fully-committed mindset bc I don't think it's ok to accept the unnecessarily critical behavior.
@@deprofundis3293 You should wake up and embrace that theres no such As "The One" if you still evaluating whether the person is the one, Im afraid it will do more harm than good. Embrace imperfections together and be Vulnerable that makes the relationship more Stronger... Because everyone has choices whether he/she you would like to live with storm and sunny days for the rest of your life. Its about Learning How to Love More Each Other Unconditionally, Its More than a Feelings. More Than Fun... If You Still have commitment issues, I Suggest To Be Honest with him and Begin Loving Yourself so that It Will Help And Improve your relationship with the person you Choose You Want To Be With. Cut Off the high expectations Embrace more the imperfections with that person.
@@HobeyDator Thank you for the thoughtful reply. I don't know if I did the right thing, but I did break up with him just this week...not because I couldn't handle imperfections in general, but because his faults were in areas that were very sensitive for me (past trauma), and this last time, he stood his ground as being rebellious and justifying his "devil's advocate" and argumentative approach to conflict (ie, when I try to bring up things that are upsetting me) instead of trying to understand me. I really tried to communicate in a non-threatening way (most of the time), but it never worked bc of his knee-jerk reactions (which definitely stemmed from his childhood as much as mine...but at least I acknowledge of mine and am in therapy...). As much as I 100% agree that there's no soul mate per se and that it's all about the commitment and accepting imperfections if you want to make it work, I think I just have a lot of deal-breakers, and unhealthy communication without actually trying to change is one of them...especially given my sensitivies, although it's hard to not feel broken bc of them. So, yeah, I still worry I'm being too picky. At 38, it's hard not to wonder that. I just hope there's a gentle soul out there who wants to communicate without attacking and who is aligned in my values and sensitive to my scars (as much as I'd hope to be for theirs).
Up and Atom A thousand years ago no one cared about this stuff. We've become weak. A thousand years ago if you: Worked, married, had offspring - you were a man. And that was it. No soul searching.
You know neither nothing of what it was like a thousand years ago, or of the fact that the concepts talked about in these videos, and "soul searching", was being done long before even that.
my last relationship was literally one of the best things to ever happen to me, we had been going through a rough lil mental patch on both our sides towards the end, she said i was the best boyfriend ever and that i did nothing wrong but that she couldn’t handle being in a relationship right now and was emotionally unavailable . My heart was so confused and broken that the person i loved so much could leave me so quickly, it was really hard and it still is. I felt so alone. it just sucks knowing that even if you tried your best and put your heart and soul into a person they could still up and leave like nothing. Each day i get better and better though and thats all im grateful for.
just remember that it wasn’t your fault and it was the best for her and maybe for you aswell :) take it as a healing process and get stronger from your experiences, some day you will find the one i promise :)
@@krashii hey i really appreciate the comment! its been a few months and it could still be hard at times but overall i feel way better than i did before, just happy im able to look at the future optimistically now. and thank you i know i’ll find someone special eventually :)
Incredibly relatable. My previous girlfriend did this to me out of nowhere as well. I’m still not over it. But getting better each day like you said. It sucks.
the problem is the people who really should watch this video won't. They happily take affection from their partners, but give back little if any. Trust me, they care too little to bother watching videos. It's just us, the hurt ones, who keep trying to fix and improve.
Isabelle Layla You took the words of my mind. I even shared some videos with my ex but her answer was that she never needed and never will need this shit to live her life and that the voice of the narrator was annoying. She never had time or interesst in watching or reading something to understand more about what was going on with us and most part of the SOL videos could have saved many of our useless figths. Well but i think now that maybe she is taking lessons from her favorite Netflix series " Orange is the new black" "Pretty Little liars" and similar ones. Buy the way.. she is 23 and German and im 35 and Brasilian so maybe this factors also were obstacles in our relation.
In my last relationship whenever I would bring up these insignificant but completely important slights, he would either tell me it wasn’t worth getting upset over, or he would say he would change his behaviors and wouldn’t. People just want to be heard. Even if you don’t understand, just listen. That’s all it takes.
@@GrnXnham think a little harder bobby. Probably means insignificant to anyone else but important to the person whose upset. Like calling someone a nickname they never liked. Insignificant, completely important.
Yeah whenever I try to talk seriously with my bf regarding relationship, he would be I have so much of work, we will talk later and later he forgets 🙄.. I don't come to his mind at all.. I feel I am thinking a lot for the relationship, whereas he doesn't think about the future at all.
and then the tragedy really hits you when you realize that until about a century ago, people in almost every culture considered children as, basically, small adults. So they hardly thought that children needed any special considerations. It probably explains why mental illness is so rampant nowadays; trauma can be passed down.
I hate cold war with the partner but that’s exactly why we’re in one. Two terrified inner children trying to numb down the hurt feelings, not knowing how to break the ice.
This is so relevant and true. It's hard to say you were bothered or hurt by a small slight, like being interrupted, or not receiving the reaction you expected. But the small things do have an effect.
This spoke to me a lot. I've been feeling resentful toward my boyfriend lately, because of overthinking and anxiety, I get easily hurt by many things. I also have diagnosed OCD. I've spoken to him about it before, he listens, and he always tells me everything is fine, and we're gonna be okay. And he apologizes for his wrongdoings if any occur. I grew up in a stable home, till my parents got divorced when I was 6. I had to lock my emotions away so much because I was used to rejection and hurt feelings, which is why I fear romantic relationships and fighting and all. I hate conflict because of my parents. I love my boyfriend dearly, but I get hurt so easily by the littlest things. I'm afraid to communicate, in fear it'll start a fight, or something worse; a break up. It's hard, I love him. But I can't help that I'm so sensitive to everything.
Therapy is honestly wonderful for this, those emotional tendencies are best resolved by yourself rather than a partner who isn't guaranteed to stay. You have to be your strongest problem solver not someone else!
Look up anxious attachment style. This is a behavior developed from the trauma of your parents divorce. Dr. Kirk Honda has a UA-cam page and discusses this at length. It would be good for you to look it up. Forget the person commenting that you must go to therapy and correct this on your own without burdening your partner. With proper diagnosis, it would be beneficial for your partner in understanding how you can both effectively communicate, especially when you go to those sensitive places and feel triggered. Sounds like you have a loving supportive partner.
Crazy how this randomly popped up. Must be a sign. My partner and I are going through this too! Better to go through it at 24 rather than 40. There’s still tons to figure out! Thanks for this! ❤️
Omg same boat. I’m 24 and been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years 😭. It seems hard to let go of all the years and time with each other’s families and friends, but I can’t help but to think a better fit is out there.
This is what I understood from the video, communication is the key for successful relationship. However, our communication dies down because we start taking each other for granted once we get comfortable in a relationship. Also, we become less sensitive regarding cues that our partner's body language or behavior give when we disappoint them. The problem escalates further because of how vulnerable we feel when we are disappointed by things that might be trivial in our partner's book but the build up causes frustration.
ShaiNaiStov I have never been in a relationship for that long but I'm sure that it takes a lot of commitment and dedication to be with someone for 7 years! Hopefully, whatever it is, you guys are able to work it out.
I've always wondered about that...is it our ability to adapt and our human comfort in sameness/ routine that help us stay in relationships for many years or is it our awareness of the situation and choosing with conscious effort with conviction to stay in a relationship that long? Thanks for the summary of the vid by the way :D
I've noticed this sort of thing in myself in past relationships. It's sort of an inner rage and disgust at my partner. I tend to lock up emotionally after several instances of them behaving mean, brattish, or anything in my head that seems abusive. Like say, she is rude to a waiter, throws a tantrum at me if I'm trying to do something nice, or just nags me hard when I can't see fault or reason. I feel like my reaction directly stems from abuse I had as a child. I can just completely lock up emotionally. I can become despondent, unloving, extremely cold. It's definitely a serious relationship issue I've got. Thanks for making this video. While maybe not the same as me, I see for the most part, im not entirely alone in my dysfunction.
I can relate to you 200%.. I grew extremely cold towards my previous boyfriend. I never deleted the conversation from Facebook and I seriously get goosebumps if I read now what I said back then. It's so unlike me. It's like something came over me that completely desensitized me to this person and made me distant. This video clears up a lot..
That's not a totally bad thing. You shouldn't be putting up with mean behavior. You seem aware that you're really sensitive in this area, so I'm betting you can get past this.
"throws a tantrum at me if I'm trying to do something nice" The fuck? Are you married to a 5 year old? Why on earth would you date someone who throws tantrums, doubly so when you're trying to be nice? Fuck, why would you stay with a woman who treats you like shit and causes you to coil up and regress? She's rude, mean, brattish, throws hissy fits and nags, and these are your words, not mine.
I felt the same thing before as response to poor behaviour from my gf, but my conclusion was that it was my inner head protecting me from my emotional head which was head over heels in love. I left her because of it and though it was difficult at the time, I thank god it happened...!
MrLubbaLubba it sounds like you want to be and are very self aware. just dare to share what you've got with your partner. it's opening the door and will be soo appreciated.
You can't communicate with somebody who isn't willing to listen - and I mean actually hear what you'r saying; take it to heart and not come up with a defensive stance full of excuses.
Reasonable human beings are very hard to find. I consider myself incredibly lucky to have found and kept my soul mate. But, we are both always ready to admit we're wrong and say sorry... and mean it. And, we cuddle and tell each other we love each other.... A Lot 🙂
It hurts when you badly want things to work out with someone, and they seem to want it too, but you two are operating on different wavelengths. Sucks when you caught feelings for someone you're fundamentally incompatible with. :(
Mine just broke up with me because of this, he wants to go live his life be more spontaneous travel around, I want to try settle and think about the future and kids. On day 3 of no contact after 2 years together.
Yea it's DEFINITELY not something ppl will always just "get," it probably works for like, ALL of life lol marriage brings it out the most tho certainly...
Definitely agree this has applications outside of a romantic relationship too. Earlier this week I was telling a work colleague about a holiday I'm going on soon and she made a flippant joke about it. It really was nothing that hurtful objectively but subjectively the joke wounded me incredibly deeply. I think this is because I've not been on holiday in a long time and I'm really excited about it, and by her making the joke I felt she's not paid my holiday the proper respect it deserves. Since she made the joke I've withdrawn from her and feel really quite cold and resentful toward her. The problem with when this occurs in a work relationship is that you can't always share how you feel with your colleague; I don't feel I can in this instance because I think this would make me seem too easily offended and petty.
Makes sense! That's why a stranger or someone you don't really care about, like a co-worker can't upset you as quickly or as intensely over trivial matters. But if your partner says or does one insignificant thing we'll make a mountain out of a molehill.
Touching video. I'm so lucky to have a husband who listens to and understands my childish hurts, when I finally get the courage to express them. I always do the same for him as well, although he can also be reluctant to express his feelings too. A healthy relationship isn't an easy one... having such vulnerability can feel like a life or death situation sometimes. It's scary to admit that I'm a child inside, especially since my husband tends to look up to me in various ways.
zarry22 Thank you so much for this. My relationship with my husband is very similar and it's good to know that there's someone else going through the same thing :)
being in a relationship feels exactly like dread. i dont know what it feels like to love anymore, i've wasted all of that potential on careless and spiteful people already.
Wow.. exactly the way I feel.. the same words I would have said.. why don't more people not realise this . We are like batteries and we use it everything on uselesspeople and then we get drained out.. we need time to recharge again..
Oh yeah, well try and top this: I spent 20 years being married to an Asian version of Jessica rabbit. Ten years in as we lie in bed she said "maybe we can just be friends." We had a nine year old and a mountain of debt and she wanted to be friends?! I stuck it out because I didn't want to pay child support and I hoped Jesus would fix it. Even Jesus asked the sick woman who asked for healing "Do you want to get well?" Some people don't.
@@stn7172 we, or rather I, stuck it out for ten years after that incident. We tried a number of counseling approaches with no success - actually made things worse. Once my son Son turned 18 and went off to College we agreed she should go too and live with her mom not to far from our sons college of choice. After a year was up my son had flunked out of college and my wife had a good paying job in the area. My lease was set to expire and I asked if they wanted to come back and try to be a family again. They both decided they were happier living with her Mom (her Mom is kinda well-to-do). As of this writing both my wife and her mother are in the hospital on ventilators fighting for their lives with CoVid. My son had it briefly, but recovered naturally after a few days. I saw them both just two weeks ago to give her some of her stuff I found while unpacking my new bachelor pad. I have not experienced any symptoms, but then my family has a little more neanderthal DNA in us than the average person. We ain't that smart or pretty, but we're durable!
we grow cold because we start off knowing only the goodness and perfection of a person, because that is what we were attracted to. exposure to their imperfections and their true self makes us need them less than we did before.
The issue here is to think the partner is perfect, but no one is. The partner is a human being. If we perceive the partner as perfect and then are disappointed if he isn't, that's not on the partner, that's on us. To want a messianic figure in our life that redeems us from loneliness and fulfills all our needs is a self focused approach. It's not love. love is focused on the other as well, not just ourselves. Love wants to love the imperfections in the other and is willing to work together and to grow. A relationship is a garden that you need to tend to so that the flowers of love can bloom. if you expect the garden to be perfect and self sufficient, and then get offended and cold because the soil goes dry and the flowers wilt, that's not fair. Every living thing is on a journey, every living thing is imperfect. It is a privilege to grow as human beings, together, side by side.
Jane Faceinthewind this is very beautifully said. I’m saddened to realize that while being single for many years and making my life exactly the way I want it to be, I became a selfish human being who wants her partner to be perfect or nothing. Basically I look at my partner like another perfect thing I can add to me perfect life...😔
or because they aren't interested in doing certain things together. going on more adventures together. just saying no to everything that is suggested and at the end you're the cold b*tch for turning cold.
Don't priorities work, does familiarity breed contempt, did you get bored easily, does love exist, practice forgiveness, you went cold, your needs weren't met🚩💲✅
This video just serves to remind me that the immense complexity and intricate sensitivity of relationships is far too much for me to handle. It deepens my deep dark feeling that I can never be in one ever again for fear of this all-encompassing life strangling mountain of feelings and issues that have to be constantly managed maintained and mitigated. I feel desperately alone and in such great need of love and companionship and yet I feel any attempts to achieve relief would be hopelessly doomed. It's a gut wrenchingly horrible feeling that I can't shake.
Yes!!!!! And it can hurt so much.... Part of it feels great, but some of it is too much... Sometimes love is like the greatest surrender... putting ego and fear aside. Letting go of expectations and really accepting things and a person as they are. After all, love is truly about growth and expansion as a person... so different than movies or society etc lead us to believe.
When you are with someone who "goes cold" They can not understand how you are feeling when you say you are hurt. Because in their cold periods they don't feel and therefore can not help you with your pain of feeling like you are losing them.
You have to leave in that situation. They snap out of it but they create a very dangerous precedence of accepting their own callous behavior and inevitably repeat it.
@@Ra8az They snap out of it or at least pretend to when they’re faced with the real world consequences of their selfish behavior. If you forgive them each time, you essentially allow them to create a dangerous precedent where you enable their poor behavior.
@@SilentNinjaaaI think you’re mistaking some stuff. Feeling cold towards your loved one is not a choice and much less a selfish act. What you’re suggesting sounds manipulative, instead, and not at all like a solution.
Yep... basically how my relationship was ruined. In the end, I didn't feel truly respected or loved enough to be allowed to vent my feelings on his endless frigidity and withdrawal. It's cripplingly painful, even to the point where it made me ill. I suppressed my emotions to be a good partner, the resentment accumulated until I was overwhelmed and toxic, and he was always too cowardly to allow me to communicate and would hide behind the excuse of "university" when there were plenty of opportunities outside that. It's awful, the pain of dying inside by suppressing everything you feel and he knows you're bottling things up, but instead, he chooses to go and play video games instead of taking your pain away and cultivating intimacy. It's the highest form of disrespect, and it destroyed us when I finally vented my feelings and he insinuated that I'm self-centered, overthinking and unreasonable... this was after he didn't speak to me for literally weeks, while feeding me with "I love you so much, you are my future, please don't leave me.". In the end, I felt so humiliated and shut down whenever I tried to communicate, so I just lived with the illness of bottling up my feelings until it destroyed our relationship. To add salt to the wound, I am the one being blamed when I tried so hard and put my entire soul into preserving a future for us until there was nothing left of me. It's an echo of my childhood trauma imprint. All I EVER wanted was communication. I so desperately longed for my mother to value me enough to take my pain away by allowing me to vent, but it was never given to me. Now, I unequivocally align with men who make me feel the same way. I wish I had been traumatized in some other way because I'm unsure of how to resolve an intrinsic alignment with men who make me feel unloved and starve me of communication. It's suffocating and relationships without communication are absolutely doomed. Every man I become involved with is an infallible reflection of my mother. You live and you learn, I guess...
Yeah, I get that I've made the decision finally to "do the work". At this point, the pain and discomfort of confronting my deepest darkest is better than the familiarity of disfunction
If he did not love you enough to communicate and to value your feelings, your weaknesses (childhood trauma)and your Strengths unconditionally, he was never the man God will send to you because God knows every single thing about you down to how many hairs are on your head. He was a block and not a blessing and your true husband will honor you and everything about you because he is of God and created just for you. I’m in the same boat and that information came to my spirit through God and know to you. Love yourself And put God first and everything including your health will fall into place. That’s what I’m doing and been doing and it’s not easy but it is necessary!!
This sounds like a mix of my prior and current relationship (they're so different but I resonate with what you are saying in different ways). Thank you for your comment it's really helped me.
A healthy relationship isn’t an easy one. so the secret for the healthy relationship is love and respect. if they don’t have them there’s a possibility that your relationship will never last. And also they should have compassion and consideration.
i like that. the lack of respect when my partner becomes angry is destructive. she has no idea how to handle stress tbat becomes anger. She has my son otherwise i would walk away.
True. But it’s hard to feel respect for someone who habitually lies or deceives you, even straight to your face, much like an addict who is always trying to protect the best imagined version of his/herself. Chronic deception destroys the foundation of trust. Then it’s a domino effect. First trust, then the sense of security (what else is the partner lying about?) and then emotional intimacy gets eroded and then physical and sexual intimacy. Chronic compulsive deception is so disrespectful at best and toxic at its worst.
I just saw this video five times last night and then showed it to my wife. It helped me put into words why I’ve been acting cold against her. Thank you, School of Life! 🙏
I've exprienced it too and by letting him go or ending the relationship makes me find my self even more. I found peace and genuine happiness from within.
This is exactly my marriage right now. He avoids me for days without even looking at my way. If I am the one not taking, he knows I am upset but wouldn't ask anything and just pretend everything is fine. He never help me when I am sad. But when he has issues with parents or brothers or coworkers I am the one who stand beside him and support him. I don't know what to do. My intuitions are saying we're going to break up in the end. No matter how much I love him, he is going to take it for granted and gives nothing in return. Not even some good words.
We go cold when we are not satisfied, and it is really hard to always be satisfied because of the complex nature of human beings and relationships. And I do not think being satisfied necessarily means being happy or sad, rich or poor and so on. It is really a mixture of our biological, psychological and other needs.
im watching this because i really care for my boyfriend, and i want to make sure i never go cold on him. he is my soul, i don’t know if i could forgive myself if i broke his heart.
This video is so true. I've lived both sides: seething with hurt because of a build-up of unvoiced slights from my partner, versus me actually voicing my hurt in the moment regardless of how trivial it may be perceived. I know my relationship with my current partner is solid because whenever I've voiced my pain, he has trusted me and taken what I've said in an open and caring way. I'm committed to doing the same for him. I used to think saying "that joke you made really hurt me, even if it was about someone else or an unrelated topic". But I've come to realize resentment and coldness will ruin both the relationship and my confidence in my own voice and boundaries.
I got recently in that stage of boredom with my boyfriend. I felt so irritated with everything he does. At one point he became cold, and then when we both decided to speak like grown-ups and put everything on the scale, it was clear. Now I still get irritated by some things he does, but I don't give any value to that feeling. No one is perfect, and that is the point. Learn to love and accept without expectations of perfection of love.
I'm head over heels in love with my partner. We've had a lot of arguments but we always work on being better for eachother, learning about each others wants and needs and what made eachother upset and how to resolve it. Relationships aren't meant to be 100% happiness and free of struggle because that's not how life works. It's about learning to be kind to eachother and figuring out how to respond to eachother better. Getting stronger and learning more about eachother every day ❤️ My partner will never bore me because he inspires me and encourages me to be a better person and to achieve my goals and I do the same for him. The key to a life partnership is knowing that you've got each others back and arguments are just releasing frustrations and opportunities for better communication and stronger love. They can never break you unless you intentionally aim to hurt your partner and not just vent your worries/frustrations. No name calling, no hurting eachother. It's you and your partner vs. the problem, not you vs. your partner ☺️
Another thing that helps is nurturing that inner child. Buying eachother pyjamas and making eachother hot chocolates. Watching cartoons together. Being silly 😛 it all helps to connect and feel safe and loved and united ❤️ let yourself be a vulnerable baby with your partner and give them a space to do the same. We all need nurturing ☺️ you can be a serious grown up in every other part of your life lol
I felt the same until yesterday. He broke up with me saying he simply isn’t in love anymore. I knew he had frustrations with me and we were working on them super progressively. But then it all ended with a just I don’t think about you anymore and our sex life is dry. It sucks because I don’t feel the same at all. And we had so many plans for the future and we even lived to together at one point. I still love everything about our relationship. He just didn’t care about working things out in the end. I don’t know if that will change once I am away from him for a while. But I’m going to kill that hope now. I’m not going to chase after someone who doesn’t want to work on things and communicate anymore.
And? Sexual reproduction and social cohesion (not just coupling) for rearing are the biological drivers. We aren't actually meant to live for very long.
Feelings go in and out, this is why you find your significant other to be your best friend. When the infatuation wavers, you are still best friends and still enjoy each others company.
Coldness of emotion is an act of great emotional stress, trying it’s best to understand and communicate. It’s muddier still if someone is a sociopath, but for most, tuning out is an abundance of emotion, not a lack of it. I find that really beautiful. Thanks.
I feel guilty because I was being mean to my boyfriend. I love him a lot but my mental health is really affecting me. I honestly feel so guilty about it that the guilt just overtakes everything.
I'll try sharing the same advice with you that my therapist gave me - understand that guilt is not something that will do you good under any circumstances. Yes, we have all made mistakes and we all feel bad for mistreating our partners, but you just have to find the inner strength to forgive yourself. If the other person really cares about you, they will find forgiveness in their heart one way or another - try doing the same for yourself.
Be happy you still have him. I lost mine and then lost the person I was having fun with to try to mask the pain from the one who walked away from me so be grateful he still there.
I feel you, it's just something that happens. I get annoyed to him, cause it wasn't like when we were dating at the beginning, and I feel a bit sad and he doesn't realize but at the end of the day, I feel gulity, I adore him and it wasn't my intention to hurt him 😔
We are all monsters on the inside sometimes. But that doesnt mean you're worth less you're human. Ask him for forgiveness. Say sorry. Then forgive yourself and try to be better. It's a slow road but if you keep trying you will become more and more beautiful on the inside
enigmaticstatic 7 Then...why even bother in the first place? If you have no desire for companionship and could care less either way, why date simple because you “found a good one”? Good for what?
You don’t have to NEED anyone to fall in love tho. It’s not about needing anything, not about dependance or posession at all. That’s a big misconception.
@@ptit-monsieurit's not about loneliness, it's about being happy inside and, perhaps, sharing that happiness with others :) Some people try to fill the void inside with coping mechanisms, even relashiopships can be one but it never works out.
@@riveteye93 One of the reason people are not happy inside is because they think they need to be happy inside to be with other people lol We are social creatures, it's ok to be a part of someone else's life without asking anything in return, it can be a friend, a lover, or a complete stranger
" IN LOVE " is based on feelings and feelings always change over time. To choose to Love is the better and lasting way, also you will find over time you will fall in love again with that same person many times. " Unless a seed falls to the ground and dies...", so we find love is a choice of free will. Remember every time you snub your mate it takes 20 great expressions of loving commitment to erase that one little snub, so learn to " Do unto others as you would have them do unto you...".Just one little addition, you need to be best friends and love your friend as you love yourself!
Indeed. Attraction isn't a choice, but love is a decision & a regular re-commitment to that decision. I'm always surprised by how the vast majority of society doesn't understand this. Also, I've read in psychology journals that it takes seven praises(for a boss) to undo an admonition(to an employee). I wonder if it takes more to undo a snub to a loved one because it hurts more.
Adam Martin, the difference is vast as between the stars if you can receive it. You don't stand before a man and repeat vows that are meant to be kept for a lifetime, and it would be bad to consider your wife as your boss! I hope you take this as wisdom in a humorous way somewhat. Anyway i think many just don't go to that depth of understanding before saying " I DO ". TY jack
Jack Pullen real christian. just suck it up and give give give and never acknowledge you are a human being. because of course as a Christian, your not.
Kathy Myers No,Not what i am saying at all. One should never be someones door mat! Good, strong relationships are a give and take. They require much hard work on both but when you look after time and find that you would trade it for nothing else and your mate believes likewise, well i just hope for others to get there, because life goes by faster than you think and when someone you love really dies all you'll have is memories.Feelings come and go, but experiences last a lifetime!
It pains me to say this, but after going through a 8yr roller-coaster of relationship, parting ways on good terms sometimes might just be the best solution out there for both of you. It's a hard pill to swallow, but sometimes things simply don't work out for you and that is when you should consider parting with your significant other. People change with time and sometimes the connection you once shared simply isn't there anymore. And that is ok. Be grateful for sharing the journey while you knew it made sense for you. Separation is hard, but remaining in a stale relationship with nothing to learn from each other can only lead to frustration and further distancing. Cherish the relationship for what it is and don't force it into being something it's not.
But what i dont understand is that could just be a cycle then if we do that and you'll just be in a bunch of other relationships, why can't people on both sides just see that youll eventually stop learning stuff about your partner and to just enjoy each others company and realize you're both just human at the end of the day.
i felt this way in a past relationship which led me to lash out at him and never feel secure in the partnership. we brought out the worst in each other. being secure enough in a new one to know that i should never be ashamed of what i feel and that i should communicate my thoughts as concisely as possible has really helped us build something fulfilling.
Just got into an discussion with my boyfriend and I have never resonated so much with a video. The lack of communication really builds up over time and eventually both know whats wrong but neither want to fix it. It has broken my relationship but it helps show that only growth and understanding in bothbpartners can keep a relationship 😭
i don't know if i'm the one to talk, but i walked in my first relationship after 27 years of being single, i learned how to be single all my life and i loved my life, being in a relationship is tricky but exciting, make some sacrifices and communicate, don't lose yourself in the relationship, each of you have your own friends and own hobbies, give each other space and time when needed, don't get hurt if ur partner asked for space cuz you'll eventually need it too and you'll want to be able to ask for it. My relationship is a year old and we had our problems but they've been solved with communication. I know that things will get tougher, harder and more intense. But i'm hoping for the best and trusting that we both will change when it's needed to grow a little bit up with time.
@@sara.s.7032 Well, when i happen to need some space, i make sure first that he's not going through bad time in his life right now that he might need me for, then i bring it up when we're both in a good mood cuz otherwise the other person WILL think there's something wrong, i say something like 'I'm sorry if i'v been kinda off lately i'm just going thru some shit, i need to figure some stuff out and i need to focus, you mind if we gave each other some space for a while?' i know it still sounds a bit triggering but the way you say it also counts, not sure how old or strong ur relationship is but you know better how to treat your bf :) TLDR; tell him you need some space like you'd want him to tell you, without getting hurt or thinking the worst :)
Heyyy! How is it going a year later? I am now almost 2 years in a relationship and I feel like I am lost. I am feeling so frustrated and don't know what to do anymore. I was wondering what last year taught you in your relationship.
I'm 27 and about to enter my first relationship too. I don't want to lose my independent self, but I also want to learn and grow from the other person. What you say is important, because it is about balance.
The hardest part of learning to love and have meaningful relationships is when to let go of them and being able to do so in a respectful way. 12 years in and I still can’t wait to see him again. We also sleep in separate rooms & beds. Respecting others space and privacy is priceless. I am so blessed and have a blessed life.
I think this applies to all relationship that matters to us, parents/ best friends/ siblings and lovers. The title should be changed to include all these relationships.
UGHHHH!!! This is so true! My partner didn't know how to talk to me about something he was scared of, and became distant. It left me confused for the longest time. I tried to ask him so many times what is wrong in gentle ways, and got nothing in return. Until one day I got upset, got in his face (well tried, he's taller than me lol) and asked, "Why are you scared of me?" Something clicked. I saw in his eyes that he was confused at the question, because I'm smaller and physically weaker, but eventually he knew that I wasn't talking about the fear of physical strength. He couldn't deny he was scared, but he had to make it clear that I wasn't a monster or something lol. From there we actually started talking and it got better.
That’s so great to hear. That sounds like a great tool. When I go cold, I hate it and would love for something to help me ‘snap’ out of it. If I knew that my partner could handle hearing what I’m feeling and not be afraid, I think I could open up so much easier!
That’s spectacular!! The click!! I actually hate it when I’m feeling cold and my partner tries to be gentle. I want rough seas, I want to feel shaken awake by them. Is that weird?
This is the most healing thing that I needed right now, thank you so much! I’m not very good at putting my feelings into words and this just described my feelings perfectly
This gave me chills, it hit so close to home. I even (after decades) have started to recognize that often I just get emotionally hurt by things that happen in our daily life, but rarely would I ever say it like that.
This is my take away from entire video. When we can't tell our partner what we expect of them, how their action or inaction have brought deep sadness to us then slowly we start withdrawing from them, go silent and cut them off. Only solution is being vocal which isn't that easy.
I basically let a relationship with someone I loved die because I went cold on him. It's something I regret a lot now that I'm in a better mental place. I can only imagine how much it hurts to be on the receiving end.
@@bobdigi500 Indeed, anybody can respond to anybody that's not the point. I was concerned with the OP's "going cold on somebody" behaviour, which is a profoundly female trait. I was at the receiving end of that coldness from females.
I watched this when it came out years ago and i first found out i was bipolar. This helped me so much in being able to speak on how i felt no matter how the matter seemed
Assuming both partners are healthy and one isn't a narcissist. Chronic coldness and apathy are part of the abuse the narcissist inflicts as punishment, and someone undergoing this might think, 'Oh, I just need to love him more.' (As codependents do.) Narcissists don't love like healthy people do. But in healthy scenarios, this is correct.
Agreed. However, in my experience I've sometimes seen people treat this as an easy out. Someone being chronically cold because their partner unintentionally but continuously hurts them may or may not be a narcissist, but the person who genuinely doesn't understand that they're hurting them already doesn't have the slightest clue as to what the problem is. Sometimes people will latch onto the first answer they may have to this situation because it deflects blame and/or prevents them from having to seriously sit down and consider what they may be doing wrong in their relationship. It becomes much easier to paint their partner as the problem than it is to admit they may be actively (or passively as it happens) hurting their partner. I don't think "healthy relationships" should be a footnote when it comes to diagnosing why people sometimes grow apart. "Healthy" implies what can be considered to be a "normal" relationship. Being in a relationship with a narcissist is not a healthy relationship and therefore not normal. Therefore people interested in potentially fixing relationship problems should consider the "normal" first before they consider the "abnormal" and compare them with equal weight.
***** You have to think about why you feel the need to punish them. Chances are, they are going to get on fine without you there and you're the one who is alone because of it. Yet, it is certainly normal to want to pull away from a dysfunctional family situation, but that should be done for your own inner good and self care, not because you wish to punish them. The very act of 'punishing' is being other person focused. If your sister is selfish and won't listen to you, then that is on her, not you.
Very important caveat. I've been with healthy partners and narcissistic ones. The differences are subtle, but one thing that sets apart healthy v unhealthy is in hindsight it may become clear a partner was being intentionally hurtful.
Still getting over a breakup from a few months ago and trying to figure out why she and I stopped communicating in a meaningful way. This helps me understand things a bit.
This has been the most helpful and accurate sounding bit of information in explaining how I’ve been feeling , which is that coldness and disinterest, towards my current partner. Thank you
holy sh*t, this comment section is insane (in a good way). People are so deep, philosophical, and conscious. I feel like I’m reading quotes off of pinterest. I relate to every comment. I love it! 🤍
Something very meaningful is articulated here in an extremely understandable and succinct manner. Phenomenal work. It becomes even more impressive when you realize it also applies to regular friendships. Should be compulsory viewing for everyone aged 12 and up.
My ex used to tell me "Grow up, why are you always like a kid and having a temper tantrum?" Now I know it's because I truly loved him and was willing to open up my most vulnerable side. He, on the other hands, didn't even have the capacity to love.
When you first get in a relationship its new, fresh and exciting. You were trying to attain the unattainable. Once you attain, you become more and more complacent.
It's like, I'm watching these videos and hearing his words. And, my past life plays out in the background. I understand now, what I was actually going through. My eyes get moist. And then, I'm filled with hope. I love you 'School of Life'.
This lack of communication was the end of my last relationship. So much so that I literally hated him after, since I was never able to discuss what was bothering me. Which, inevitably blew up in the end
I’m in a 2 year relationship with my boyfriend and I’m glad we have a lot of communication. It could be hard to communicate and somehow we always manage to fix our problems. We argue a lot and by the end of the day we are the happy couple, again. “Communication is the key in a relationship”
This is so true! I remember how many people were telling me and my husband “oh just wait you’ll end up getting bored” or “honey moon only lasts a few months” which was really dumb because even with our discussions were never bored, after 5 years together we always wanna be with each other and not hurt one another 🤷🏻♀️
Thank you so much for explaining why my partner and I have grown colder with each other. It helps me to know we can talk about our hurts and create some healing in the relationship. We've been married for 5 years, together for 7 and I'm not giving up :)
This is so so beautifully written and animated..It encapsulates the feeling I had just yesterday, feeling so ridiculous after having voiced my hurt about something so very unimportant. It’s so difficult to come back from it and hard to explain, that I often wish I would have never said anything. I truly though feel better each time I do. We have to be so patient with eachother as a couple, sometimes just decompress or voice our feelings. Relationships are work, sometimes time flies and it feels easy and light not like work at all. Sometimes it takes work and time, makes us very aware of every moment and discomforts.
It’s crazy how much I’ve resonated with this. I’m even going to share this with my girlfriend because I think there’s aspects of this explanation that we’ll each respectively relate to. Thank you.
Oh, this hits home. It describes my marriage (we separated a year ago after 17 years). It certainly describes *me* and, as best as I can tell, my wife. I just sent this video to her acknowledging how my being this way affected us and that I am sorry for the pain it caused for her. I take some solace in recognizing myself in this video.
Just went thru it this week. Spouse told me it’s too busy at work, too worried about elderly mom’s health, or needing to make appointments to make time to shop for one (1) Xmas present for me. (A silly raincoat!) My inner child heard,”I can’t be bothered, you don’t matter, you’re old news!” Loud & clear. Beginning the wall of disengagement now. Yea, Xmas just came along suddenly without warning. Right. I haven’t wasted time trimming the tree.
This video truly did help me understand the innerworkings inside my head, Instead of going cold. The vulnerable part of me seeks attention from the partner for validation.
![Lp. Сердце Вселенной #60 РОЖДЕНИЕ ЛОЛОЛОШКИ [Финал] • Майнкрафт](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/YoR0pAV9FVQ/mqdefault.jpg)
May you be blessed with someone who speaks your language so you don’t have to spend a lifetime translating your soul.
This!!!
I love this! Thank you!
That is truly a blessing.
L S this is so meaningful to me. Thank you!
Too late for me
This is one of the scariest things in life on a purely human level
InfamousMedia yes it truly is. Being in a relationship and knowing any day my partner could fall out of love with me. God it’s dreadful.
@@synthpea4286 luckily iv been single so long that i no longer rely on anyone or what they think of me, which is a relief in some ways
Yes, yes, well said. It hurts and is scary to admit that our egos are fragile little things. Much easier to just go cold or start cheating or something.
Ebola is the worst thing on a human level
@@synthpea4286 I am fine with falling out of love but just make sure you divorce me or leave the relationship, never to come back if you cheat or go to someone else.
Find someone willing to grow, learn, and improve as much as you are and you'll both be happy and in love with each other for the rest of your lives. You go cold when you stop growing
This is the most true comment on this entire section
Don't really agree...what if at some point we decided to grow separately?
@@marishkaspirit . Growth happens when the injured self object is healed , this healing occurs in the presence of another. Self healing may work temporarily when shielded by the comfort of isolation, but hurts and wounds will resurface when another partner is thrown in the mix.
@marishkaspirit cycles are perpetuated until cycles of life/death/life nature are lived through. It is not so much about the other person but how oneself experiences the other. If the other person is just too obnoxious and not allowing growth then we should bring into question why an individual finds his or herself with such a partner in the first place.
but how can you "grow" under the exact same repetitive situations and with the same boring and not growing person?
It’s not about being bored. It’s the continuous hurt and let downs
Different people have different desires. They view these desires as "needs." When their partner fails to meet those expectations, they lose interest in the partner and pursue their own interests separately. It's not always enough for one person to try to meet the other person's "needs." If they no longer desire to stay in the relationship, there's little their partner can do to persuade them. It's a sad reality. If we focus on the needs of others in our lives, we can usually find joy in life. When we focus on just our own "happiness," we will never find deep contentment because we can not control the thoughts or actions of others. Happiness is not the same as contentment.
Exactly. After a while you’re just disconnected. Relationships r pointless.
🎯
@@Lori-lp6ucMe in a nutshell. Unlucky for me divorce is not an option. Will be miserable for the rest of my life so I'm living a life focused on me so I don't get disappointed and being let down continuously.
@@Langley_Ackerman19get out of that relationship if it’s hurting you. Based off of what you said, that is a very unhealthy and dangerous thing to do, to stay with them if you’re not happy
I feel like I go in a rabbit hole with these videos and then realise i'm becoming too self-aware and that i overanalyse every situation in my life... and it makes me more depressed and seeking for answers so i keep watching...
true, its not healthy...just fuels my overthinking nature.... so now i try to watch them as less as possible
If the overthinking and overanalyzing leads to anxiety, I recommend avoiding these video "traps" and feed your soul in healthy ways, whatever that is for you. Obsessing does make you fall deeper in the hole and then you end up hurting yourself again and again. Take care❤️
Me too man...
the answer is God. The Only One who created you and put you here on earth. learn more about islam
@@Annemarie_case143 I was Christian since I was born. The Bible, new and old testament, certainly has much spiritual guidance and I will never deny it's power. But the Bible isn't enough, and a lot of us need someone with skin on to talk to and hold.
It really hurts when you are on the receiving end of that "cold".
It hurts just as much to be the one feeling "cold"
Yeh I'm still hruting from it
Dave Balmada this is more tragic to know this because the Bible even says the love of many will grow cold. This means many people will be heartless in these last days. Love is fading in this sinister world.
MALVINDINHO thirsty guys are not options. They’re destructive people who incite fear or even violence if rejected
@@nsr5961 what part of the bible says that?🧐
this dudes voice is like a warm pillow, old leather jacket, and wooden cabin fireplace, all in one
herropreasesankyou well he has done his job
You're absolutely spot on. Which is why I fear a lot of people will believe the drivel coming out of his mouth. I watch these for the one in ten nuggets of value. The rest is just opinion and speculation and most of the time it comes from a frightfully pessimistic view of the world. I almost feel depressed after I've watched these videos. But then I remember I don't believe in any of this crap, I'm in charge of my own destiny. I shape my own world. I create my own value and happiness. Just skimming through the clips on the right I see "Why bother with marriage?" "Treat our partners like children" "Fated to be lonely" "Stay or Leave a Relationship" All bloody depressing issues to discuss however that's the beauty of what he's doing. He's picking topics we all wonder about so he can get the hits but I fear with his talking style and the simplistic imagery it's designed to be educational and preachy rather than debatable and people need to realise it's simply an opinion.
"We need a forum where were can safely air our grievances?" Simply doesn't happen, a few may have it, others may be able to make it happen, but most of the time it's simply not manageable and it's only one of a host of things you need to make work to have a successful relationship. People who think their own needs are foremost in a relationship don't understand relationships. Live selflessly and nothing will be a problem. What you seek from a relationship will follow. It's only when we have expectations that we become disenchanted and the higher the expectations the greater the disappointment. I'd have been divorced ten times over if I didn't understand this fundamental mainstay of the human psyche.
Hussy Punter it's already 8
I can't access the subtitles
Help is needed thanks
Right. I listen to him in my bed at night and it makes me feel great. The videos give me hope and clarity to my stupidity as well
"The hottest love has the coldest end." - Socrates
fuck me, that's so true
Bullshit love doesn’t need to have an end
@@Classic_literature haaahHahHHHHhHHaaaaa
Lameeee
Bullshit
Sometimes we don't need to hear "I love you" and a kiss from our partners to feel relieved. Sometimes just a hug and a genuine apology will do.
you are right about that but for ego reasons we fail to admits our faults in time till it gets too late
Or the apology is not enough
Is the other person aware there is something they ought to be appologising for?
Yk everybody makes mistakes, and there's absolutely nothing wrong in apologizing whether you're 5 or 50. I'm not asking them to say "I'm sorry" coz Ik it hurts to apologize to your own child, but a small "I didn't mean it" can actually be enough sometimes. I don't wanna hear the "I did this and that for you" or the "this is for the best".
I'm a teenager, just let me be a teenager. When is that going to happen? Is that really too much to ask for?
@@iamwhoiwanttobe3317 not sure you re allowed to be a kid, they are there to teach you ''how to be an adult.'' OR to Obey Them. being a yourself or a kid is the mistake you keep making. and people wonder why thats carried into adult hood where you are telling your partner "I did this and that for you" or the "this is for the best". not sure your allowed to be you at all ever, unless you choose to be single.
in short: share yourself with your partner. communicate your thoughts *and* your feelings.
Matt Lohkamp Okay but when I do that, she thinks I'm being extra... and then after that point I don't feel like talking to her anymore.
Yes it's really important
Matt Lohkamp its difficult for some open to open up
I am doing that but it always ends up with him being annoyed and fighting
but he is so cold that he doesn't like either chat or call and we are in long distance relationship
I agree that it's really difficult to voice some things that bother us without sounding like a baby, which in turn can be really humiliating and saddening.
Olivia Hesson
Olivia Hesson o
Ok
I find it strange that we don't learn about such essential things in school. We spend at least 12 years studying all kinds of stuff that we probably will never need, but actual life skills we have to figure out by ourselves for some reason. How much conflict, confusion and hurt could be avoided if we just understood ourselves and others better?
Well it shouldn’t be if you’re in a relationship w someone you love/trust. Eventually things will disintegrate due to poor/zero communication! Unless the woman is a doormat/weak, she will try try try until she gets nothing back and feels alienated/humiliated/rejected herself by her man (the one she loved and trusted!) and she will be DONE. No more chances after that.
I see many saying it hurts to be on the receiving end of the coldness, but I've been in both sides. Being cold with someone but still loving someone is awful.
Why were you cold?
Right! that’s what happens to me at times. I go cold and don’t know why. In the meantime, while trying to figure it out, the relationship seems to grow more distant and I get more hard on myself, more anxious and overanalyze which doesn’t help. I’ve already imagined a worse case scene by the time I’m able to communicate anything. If he’s attempting to ‘mend the ‘gap’ so to speak, or just being himself ..kind, helpful and supportive, it feels horrible cause I want even more to return the love and have things go back to the way they were. I’ve learned to focus on my life and what I need like meeting up with girlfriends, getting a fresh perspective, and focusing on good things about us so that I get less stuck in the belief that I ‘have to figure out’. Sometimes they don’t get resolved and after the anger subsides, I say man I was so upset with you, I thought such and such and have no idea why. Him sticking around through it is the only way I’ve learned to not take it serious.
@@kellyquasha657 I'm in this exact position myself. I become very cold very often.
This is literally what im going through right now. Ive been with my partner 6 almost 7 years and im starting to feel this way esp sexually (sorry for the TMI) and it makes me really sad bc i adore him and hes my best friend and i hate that im feeling this way.
@@Officiallaash speak with him and let him know how your feeling. If he is you best friend, try to keep communication open and try to figure it out
so the secret to a healthy relationship is communication, basically
David Jimenez No it's compassion and consideration
nice
Paulo Milan nice
thats why i got divorced....
Nicolae Ceausescu soooo.... I feel uncomfortable +1ing this comment, but, ya...
Only works if the other partner is willing to listen.
And not dismiss what you're saying
Yup... avoidance keeps the relationship numb. Communication with respect, can open a new level of intimacy. If both want to grow that is.
Absolutely,,,
Part of the problem: how to present your grievances in a way that doesn't sound like an attack.
Exactly
tip: if you ever feel like you are bored of your partner but deep down have love for them, go on a trip by yourself with talking at all or just have some alone time to collect time and in due time you will start to miss your partner and when you meet up again you will find yourself so interested in everything they say.
Woooooo thanks for your comment. Now i m understanding why Adele`s song "someone like you" were so popular :D
So true I was feeling bored/alone was scared I was falling out of love! so I took a trip alone to see my dad and when I came back things was so perfect!
Thank you so much im so relieved now
ApesLover1 juggling too many?
Or just grow up and quit looking at people like they're something to be bored of. Take responsibility maybe? Idk. I know that probably sounds rude but if you're in a relationship to be entertained maybe that's something to fix inside instead of outside
I recently had a fight with my husband about how he easily dismissed something I felt important. I don’t even remember what it was about but as I tried to explain I felt tears well up in my eyes. I know logically it wasn’t that important to my adult self but after watching this video I realize the child in me was hurting.
Hope it's okay now
That's a big part of what made my love and attraction for my wife go cold. I thought for years that I could help heal the hurt that her inner child had, but eventually I got to the point where I felt like nothing I did made any difference, and my resentment at always being less important than what other men did to her in childhood grew to the point where I decided to turn off rather than hate her completely. Now I just live with her and deal with her, but I have neither expectations nor desires of her.
People are emotionally babies because we don’t give emotions enough importance. Emotions and relationships are so important it should be something we learn in school
Exactly! That’s what need to be more enriched than other subjects coz this is about understanding human beings and living a better life
yes! im sick of being told that my generation (millennial) and the one after us are too sensitive. the generations prior werent sensitive enough and now we have to do all of the emotional work.
I agree it is something we should of learnt in school
How to live on your own, control your own finances learn about pensions and what a real relationship looks like should all be taught to kids from age 9 onwards. I don't think it's right to keep kids in the dark, give them as much information as possible.
I am proud to be married almost 32 years. I have a stronger deeper connection with my wife than I could have even imagined possible in our earlier years.
What advice do you have for someone just beginning a relationship with someone they think is the one? How did you make it work so well?
@@The1234fanatic Work at it everyday. Be realistic - it will not always be honeymoon fun. Make up your mind that you're committed to the long run. Communicate. Celebrate what you accomplish together.
What about if you're still deciding if they're the one? I'm trying to balance the full commitment model (Gottman) with the fact that we've only been together 6 months, and I'm already worried that his critical side isn't something that I'll be able to live with. He is open to counseling and improving our communication skills, though, so maybe there is hope. But I don't know how to approach our discussions with the not-fully-committed mindset bc I don't think it's ok to accept the unnecessarily critical behavior.
@@deprofundis3293 You should wake up and embrace that theres no such As "The One" if you still evaluating whether the person is the one, Im afraid it will do more harm than good. Embrace imperfections together and be Vulnerable that makes the relationship more Stronger... Because everyone has choices whether he/she you would like to live with storm and sunny days for the rest of your life. Its about Learning How to Love More Each Other Unconditionally, Its More than a Feelings. More Than Fun... If You Still have commitment issues, I Suggest To Be Honest with him and Begin Loving Yourself so that It Will Help And Improve your relationship with the person you Choose You Want To Be With.
Cut Off the high expectations
Embrace more the imperfections with that person.
@@HobeyDator Thank you for the thoughtful reply. I don't know if I did the right thing, but I did break up with him just this week...not because I couldn't handle imperfections in general, but because his faults were in areas that were very sensitive for me (past trauma), and this last time, he stood his ground as being rebellious and justifying his "devil's advocate" and argumentative approach to conflict (ie, when I try to bring up things that are upsetting me) instead of trying to understand me. I really tried to communicate in a non-threatening way (most of the time), but it never worked bc of his knee-jerk reactions (which definitely stemmed from his childhood as much as mine...but at least I acknowledge of mine and am in therapy...). As much as I 100% agree that there's no soul mate per se and that it's all about the commitment and accepting imperfections if you want to make it work, I think I just have a lot of deal-breakers, and unhealthy communication without actually trying to change is one of them...especially given my sensitivies, although it's hard to not feel broken bc of them. So, yeah, I still worry I'm being too picky. At 38, it's hard not to wonder that. I just hope there's a gentle soul out there who wants to communicate without attacking and who is aligned in my values and sensitive to my scars (as much as I'd hope to be for theirs).
School of Life always makes me feel like I'm not alone in being an emotionally immature child. Yay!
Up and Atom
😂
Lol. Just because you aren't alone doesn't mean you aren't an immature child.
Up and Atom A thousand years ago no one cared about this stuff. We've become weak. A thousand years ago if you: Worked, married, had offspring - you were a man. And that was it. No soul searching.
Up and Atom yeah
You know neither nothing of what it was like a thousand years ago, or of the fact that the concepts talked about in these videos, and "soul searching", was being done long before even that.
my last relationship was literally one of the best things to ever happen to me, we had been going through a rough lil mental patch on both our sides towards the end, she said i was the best boyfriend ever and that i did nothing wrong but that she couldn’t handle being in a relationship right now and was emotionally unavailable . My heart was so confused and broken that the person i loved so much could leave me so quickly, it was really hard and it still is. I felt so alone. it just sucks knowing that even if you tried your best and put your heart and soul into a person they could still up and leave like nothing. Each day i get better and better though and thats all im grateful for.
My last relationship was also one of the best things but I ruined everything:’(
just remember that it wasn’t your fault and it was the best for her and maybe for you aswell :) take it as a healing process and get stronger from your experiences, some day you will find the one i promise :)
@@krashii hey i really appreciate the comment! its been a few months and it could still be hard at times but overall i feel way better than i did before, just happy im able to look at the future optimistically now. and thank you i know i’ll find someone special eventually :)
Incredibly relatable. My previous girlfriend did this to me out of nowhere as well. I’m still not over it. But getting better each day like you said. It sucks.
same thing happened to me man :/
the problem is the people who really should watch this video won't. They happily take affection from their partners, but give back little if any. Trust me, they care too little to bother watching videos.
It's just us, the hurt ones, who keep trying to fix and improve.
That's a possibility - but we sorely hope there WILL be a few people here who need to hear the film and will...
Isabelle Layla You took the words of my mind. I even shared some videos with my ex but her answer was that she never needed and never will need this shit to live her life and that the voice of the narrator was annoying. She never had time or interesst in watching or reading something to understand more about what was going on with us and most part of the SOL videos could have saved many of our useless figths. Well but i think now that maybe she is taking lessons from her favorite Netflix series " Orange is the new black" "Pretty Little liars" and similar ones. Buy the way.. she is 23 and German and im 35 and Brasilian so maybe this factors also were obstacles in our relation.
Isabelle Layla I moved on. Thanks for the answer
I am one of these people who take, and this video has been wonderful to see.
Andrei Nuncio Yeap, pain is the best teacher
In my last relationship whenever I would bring up these insignificant but completely important slights, he would either tell me it wasn’t worth getting upset over, or he would say he would change his behaviors and wouldn’t. People just want to be heard. Even if you don’t understand, just listen. That’s all it takes.
facts
How could an "insignificant slight" also be "completely important?"
I mean which is it?
You say "
@@GrnXnham think a little harder bobby. Probably means insignificant to anyone else but important to the person whose upset. Like calling someone a nickname they never liked. Insignificant, completely important.
Yeah whenever I try to talk seriously with my bf regarding relationship, he would be I have so much of work, we will talk later and later he forgets 🙄.. I don't come to his mind at all.. I feel I am thinking a lot for the relationship, whereas he doesn't think about the future at all.
"We don't love by adult standards".
Wow.
Esmie Adele Yeah, that is a really profound insight.
hit me right :"(
and then the tragedy really hits you when you realize that until about a century ago, people in almost every culture considered children as, basically, small adults. So they hardly thought that children needed any special considerations. It probably explains why mental illness is so rampant nowadays; trauma can be passed down.
Mustafa Barzanji Good point!!! We have to nurture our inner little one🌞
Relationships feels like so much effort.
Full time job/baby sitting
It even worse when only one partner is doing all the work.
With the right person it feels easy.
It is, that's why we have to be 100% ready and committed. Don't know why people think it's just fun.
But the rewards are better than anything you could ever imagine. 10 % work for 90% fun and immense happiness
I hate cold war with the partner but that’s exactly why we’re in one. Two terrified inner children trying to numb down the hurt feelings, not knowing how to break the ice.
How to break the ice?
Frozen. Deep. As a glacier.
The coming of Spring.
Wow, so true. Exactly what I've often felt as well.
This is so relevant and true. It's hard to say you were bothered or hurt by a small slight, like being interrupted, or not receiving the reaction you expected. But the small things do have an effect.
Hobbes The small things would pile up, and by the time you realised, it would be too late. Been there.
PS. C&H is awesome, love your username & pic!!
Unrelated, but I love the comic Calvin and Hobbes
This spoke to me a lot. I've been feeling resentful toward my boyfriend lately, because of overthinking and anxiety, I get easily hurt by many things. I also have diagnosed OCD. I've spoken to him about it before, he listens, and he always tells me everything is fine, and we're gonna be okay. And he apologizes for his wrongdoings if any occur. I grew up in a stable home, till my parents got divorced when I was 6. I had to lock my emotions away so much because I was used to rejection and hurt feelings, which is why I fear romantic relationships and fighting and all. I hate conflict because of my parents. I love my boyfriend dearly, but I get hurt so easily by the littlest things. I'm afraid to communicate, in fear it'll start a fight, or something worse; a break up. It's hard, I love him. But I can't help that I'm so sensitive to everything.
Therapy is honestly wonderful for this, those emotional tendencies are best resolved by yourself rather than a partner who isn't guaranteed to stay. You have to be your strongest problem solver not someone else!
Therapy, seriously. It's not fair to place such a burden on another person.
Look up anxious attachment style. This is a behavior developed from the trauma of your parents divorce. Dr. Kirk Honda has a UA-cam page and discusses this at length. It would be good for you to look it up. Forget the person commenting that you must go to therapy and correct this on your own without burdening your partner. With proper diagnosis, it would be beneficial for your partner in understanding how you can both effectively communicate, especially when you go to those sensitive places and feel triggered. Sounds like you have a loving supportive partner.
Broojie: it's four years later now, did things work out for you?
@@ssansu Oh please. Get off your high horse and have some compassion.
Crazy how this randomly popped up. Must be a sign. My partner and I are going through this too! Better to go through it at 24 rather than 40. There’s still tons to figure out! Thanks for this! ❤️
Omg same boat. I’m 24 and been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years 😭. It seems hard to let go of all the years and time with each other’s families and friends, but I can’t help but to think a better fit is out there.
Same here @kayla im 25 and ive been with my bf 6 years
Did you break up
about to turn 23 and been together 6 years. we really are all connected
Any updates, currently going through this with my girlfriend of 4 years.
This is what I understood from the video, communication is the key for successful relationship. However, our communication dies down because we start taking each other for granted once we get comfortable in a relationship. Also, we become less sensitive regarding cues that our partner's body language or behavior give when we disappoint them. The problem escalates further because of how vulnerable we feel when we are disappointed by things that might be trivial in our partner's book but the build up causes frustration.
Priya K This comment makes me wunna cry lol. This is my bf and i of 7 yrs :\
ShaiNaiStov I have never been in a relationship for that long but I'm sure that it takes a lot of commitment and dedication to be with someone for 7 years! Hopefully, whatever it is, you guys are able to work it out.
I've always wondered about that...is it our ability to adapt and our human comfort in sameness/ routine that help us stay in relationships for many years or is it our awareness of the situation and choosing with conscious effort with conviction to stay in a relationship that long?
Thanks for the summary of the vid by the way :D
morbidbushido Oooo good question. I think it's a bit of both, but definitely more of the latter.
You explained how I feel in words in could not describe thanks for making me understand my own feelings 😂😂
I've noticed this sort of thing in myself in past relationships. It's sort of an inner rage and disgust at my partner. I tend to lock up emotionally after several instances of them behaving mean, brattish, or anything in my head that seems abusive. Like say, she is rude to a waiter, throws a tantrum at me if I'm trying to do something nice, or just nags me hard when I can't see fault or reason.
I feel like my reaction directly stems from abuse I had as a child. I can just completely lock up emotionally. I can become despondent, unloving, extremely cold.
It's definitely a serious relationship issue I've got. Thanks for making this video. While maybe not the same as me, I see for the most part, im not entirely alone in my dysfunction.
I can relate to you 200%.. I grew extremely cold towards my previous boyfriend. I never deleted the conversation from Facebook and I seriously get goosebumps if I read now what I said back then. It's so unlike me. It's like something came over me that completely desensitized me to this person and made me distant. This video clears up a lot..
That's not a totally bad thing. You shouldn't be putting up with mean behavior. You seem aware that you're really sensitive in this area, so I'm betting you can get past this.
"throws a tantrum at me if I'm trying to do something nice"
The fuck? Are you married to a 5 year old?
Why on earth would you date someone who throws tantrums, doubly so when you're trying to be nice?
Fuck, why would you stay with a woman who treats you like shit and causes you to coil up and regress?
She's rude, mean, brattish, throws hissy fits and nags, and these are your words, not mine.
I felt the same thing before as response to poor behaviour from my gf, but my conclusion was that it was my inner head protecting me from my emotional head which was head over heels in love. I left her because of it and though it was difficult at the time, I thank god it happened...!
MrLubbaLubba it sounds like you want to be and are very self aware. just dare to share what you've got with your partner. it's opening the door and will be soo appreciated.
You can't communicate with somebody who isn't willing to listen - and I mean actually hear what you'r saying; take it to heart and not come up with a defensive stance full of excuses.
Bipolar people tend to do that a lot.
That's so true. When they are cold. They don't feel anything nor can they feel how you are feeling.
Fuck yes
Reasonable human beings are very hard to find. I consider myself incredibly lucky to have found and kept my soul mate. But, we are both always ready to admit we're wrong and say sorry... and mean it. And, we cuddle and tell each other we love each other.... A Lot 🙂
Yes.
It hurts when you badly want things to work out with someone, and they seem to want it too, but you two are operating on different wavelengths. Sucks when you caught feelings for someone you're fundamentally incompatible with. :(
Isnt it okay? You compromise right? Whencyou love you do that
@@talavera180 it's hard when they just can't provide some of your base desires, not from any fault with them in particular...
I think I just went through this and im currently in the most agonizing state of it.
This what I’m going through and now we both are having a hard time moving on
Mine just broke up with me because of this, he wants to go live his life be more spontaneous travel around, I want to try settle and think about the future and kids.
On day 3 of no contact after 2 years together.
this is, in my opinion, the most important video he's ever done
Yea it's DEFINITELY not something ppl will always just "get," it probably works for like, ALL of life lol marriage brings it out the most tho certainly...
Definitely agree this has applications outside of a romantic relationship too. Earlier this week I was telling a work colleague about a holiday I'm going on soon and she made a flippant joke about it. It really was nothing that hurtful objectively but subjectively the joke wounded me incredibly deeply. I think this is because I've not been on holiday in a long time and I'm really excited about it, and by her making the joke I felt she's not paid my holiday the proper respect it deserves. Since she made the joke I've withdrawn from her and feel really quite cold and resentful toward her. The problem with when this occurs in a work relationship is that you can't always share how you feel with your colleague; I don't feel I can in this instance because I think this would make me seem too easily offended and petty.
Makes sense! That's why a stranger or someone you don't really care about, like a co-worker can't upset you as quickly or as intensely over trivial matters. But if your partner says or does one insignificant thing we'll make a mountain out of a molehill.
Touching video. I'm so lucky to have a husband who listens to and understands my childish hurts, when I finally get the courage to express them. I always do the same for him as well, although he can also be reluctant to express his feelings too. A healthy relationship isn't an easy one... having such vulnerability can feel like a life or death situation sometimes. It's scary to admit that I'm a child inside, especially since my husband tends to look up to me in various ways.
That's a beautiful and inspiringly honest comment. Thank you.
zarry22
Thank you so much for this. My relationship with my husband is very similar and it's good to know that there's someone else going through the same thing :)
Joe W I think ya got some problems, Joe lol
Who hurt you, Joe W? :P
Joe w, your not a real man then because if you were you could appreciate and love a good woman
You guys are saving relationships with scientific, emotional and logical explanation. A big thank you
being in a relationship feels exactly like dread. i dont know what it feels like to love anymore, i've wasted all of that potential on careless and spiteful people already.
Wow.. exactly the way I feel.. the same words I would have said.. why don't more people not realise this . We are like batteries and we use it everything on uselesspeople and then we get drained out.. we need time to recharge again..
It's not relationships, it's the people you loved that's the issue.
Oh yeah, well try and top this: I spent 20 years being married to an Asian version of Jessica rabbit. Ten years in as we lie in bed she said "maybe we can just be friends." We had a nine year old and a mountain of debt and she wanted to be friends?! I stuck it out because I didn't want to pay child support and I hoped Jesus would fix it. Even Jesus asked the sick woman who asked for healing "Do you want to get well?"
Some people don't.
@@oldtymer9106 so what happened? She leave?
@@stn7172 we, or rather I, stuck it out for ten years after that incident. We tried a number of counseling approaches with no success - actually made things worse. Once my son Son turned 18 and went off to College we agreed she should go too and live with her mom not to far from our sons college of choice. After a year was up my son had flunked out of college and my wife had a good paying job in the area. My lease was set to expire and I asked if they wanted to come back and try to be a family again. They both decided they were happier living with her Mom (her Mom is kinda well-to-do).
As of this writing both my wife and her mother are in the hospital on ventilators fighting for their lives with CoVid. My son had it briefly, but recovered naturally after a few days. I saw them both just two weeks ago to give her some of her stuff I found while unpacking my new bachelor pad. I have not experienced any symptoms, but then my family has a little more neanderthal DNA in us than the average person. We ain't that smart or pretty, but we're durable!
we grow cold because we start off knowing only the goodness and perfection of a person, because that is what we were attracted to. exposure to their imperfections and their true self makes us need them less than we did before.
hi i'm josh Exactly
The issue here is to think the partner is perfect, but no one is. The partner is a human being. If we perceive the partner as perfect and then are disappointed if he isn't, that's not on the partner, that's on us.
To want a messianic figure in our life that redeems us from loneliness and fulfills all our needs is a self focused approach. It's not love. love is focused on the other as well, not just ourselves. Love wants to love the imperfections in the other and is willing to work together and to grow. A relationship is a garden that you need to tend to so that the flowers of love can bloom. if you expect the garden to be perfect and self sufficient, and then get offended and cold because the soil goes dry and the flowers wilt, that's not fair. Every living thing is on a journey, every living thing is imperfect. It is a privilege to grow as human beings, together, side by side.
Jane Faceinthewind this is very beautifully said. I’m saddened to realize that while being single for many years and making my life exactly the way I want it to be, I became a selfish human being who wants her partner to be perfect or nothing. Basically I look at my partner like another perfect thing I can add to me perfect life...😔
or because they aren't interested in doing certain things together. going on more adventures together. just saying no to everything that is suggested and at the end you're the cold b*tch for turning cold.
Don't priorities work, does familiarity breed contempt, did you get bored easily, does love exist, practice forgiveness, you went cold, your needs weren't met🚩💲✅
This video just serves to remind me that the immense complexity and intricate sensitivity of relationships is far too much for me to handle. It deepens my deep dark feeling that I can never be in one ever again for fear of this all-encompassing life strangling mountain of feelings and issues that have to be constantly managed maintained and mitigated. I feel desperately alone and in such great need of love and companionship and yet I feel any attempts to achieve relief would be hopelessly doomed. It's a gut wrenchingly horrible feeling that I can't shake.
Jon, I have felt that way. How are things now?
Yes!!!!! And it can hurt so much....
Part of it feels great, but some of it is too much...
Sometimes love is like the greatest surrender... putting ego and fear aside. Letting go of expectations and really accepting things and a person as they are.
After all, love is truly about growth and expansion as a person... so different than movies or society etc lead us to believe.
@Jon Krieger... how are things mate? Better than they were
I remember this feeling. Hoping you are better now.
When you find the right person, all of this seems remarkably easy!
Best wishes
Me tbh
When you are with someone who "goes cold"
They can not understand how you are feeling when you say you are hurt. Because in their cold periods they don't feel and therefore can not help you with your pain of feeling like you are losing them.
You have to leave in that situation. They snap out of it but they create a very dangerous precedence of accepting their own callous behavior and inevitably repeat it.
@@SilentNinjaaa what do you mean? They snap out of but create a dangerous precedent? Thank you
@@Ra8az They snap out of it or at least pretend to when they’re faced with the real world consequences of their selfish behavior. If you forgive them each time, you essentially allow them to create a dangerous precedent where you enable their poor behavior.
@@SilentNinjaaa that's very judgemental and sounds oddly selfish.
@@SilentNinjaaaI think you’re mistaking some stuff. Feeling cold towards your loved one is not a choice and much less a selfish act. What you’re suggesting sounds manipulative, instead, and not at all like a solution.
Yep... basically how my relationship was ruined. In the end, I didn't feel truly respected or loved enough to be allowed to vent my feelings on his endless frigidity and withdrawal. It's cripplingly painful, even to the point where it made me ill. I suppressed my emotions to be a good partner, the resentment accumulated until I was overwhelmed and toxic, and he was always too cowardly to allow me to communicate and would hide behind the excuse of "university" when there were plenty of opportunities outside that.
It's awful, the pain of dying inside by suppressing everything you feel and he knows you're bottling things up, but instead, he chooses to go and play video games instead of taking your pain away and cultivating intimacy. It's the highest form of disrespect, and it destroyed us when I finally vented my feelings and he insinuated that I'm self-centered, overthinking and unreasonable... this was after he didn't speak to me for literally weeks, while feeding me with "I love you so much, you are my future, please don't leave me.". In the end, I felt so humiliated and shut down whenever I tried to communicate, so I just lived with the illness of bottling up my feelings until it destroyed our relationship. To add salt to the wound, I am the one being blamed when I tried so hard and put my entire soul into preserving a future for us until there was nothing left of me.
It's an echo of my childhood trauma imprint. All I EVER wanted was communication. I so desperately longed for my mother to value me enough to take my pain away by allowing me to vent, but it was never given to me. Now, I unequivocally align with men who make me feel the same way.
I wish I had been traumatized in some other way because I'm unsure of how to resolve an intrinsic alignment with men who make me feel unloved and starve me of communication. It's suffocating and relationships without communication are absolutely doomed. Every man I become involved with is an infallible reflection of my mother.
You live and you learn, I guess...
Brianna Bayon I'm going through this too, mummy issues suck.
Yeah, I get that
I've made the decision finally to "do the work". At this point, the pain and discomfort of confronting my deepest darkest is better than the familiarity of disfunction
If he did not love you enough to communicate and to value your feelings, your weaknesses (childhood trauma)and your Strengths unconditionally, he was never the man God will send to you because God knows every single thing about you down to how many hairs are on your head. He was a block and not a blessing and your true husband will honor you and everything about you because he is of God and created just for you. I’m in the same boat and that information came to my spirit through God and know to you. Love yourself And put God first and everything including your health will fall into place. That’s what I’m doing and been doing and it’s not easy but it is necessary!!
This sounds like a mix of my prior and current relationship (they're so different but I resonate with what you are saying in different ways). Thank you for your comment it's really helped me.
@@greyzworld wdym hide yourself?
A healthy relationship isn’t an easy one. so the secret for the healthy relationship is love and respect. if they don’t have them there’s a possibility that your relationship will never last. And also they should have compassion and consideration.
i like that. the lack of respect when my partner becomes angry is destructive. she has no idea how to handle stress tbat becomes anger. She has my son otherwise i would walk away.
True. But it’s hard to feel respect for someone who habitually lies or deceives you, even straight to your face, much like an addict who is always trying to protect the best imagined version of his/herself. Chronic deception destroys the foundation of trust. Then it’s a domino effect. First trust, then the sense of security (what else is the partner lying about?) and then emotional intimacy gets eroded and then physical and sexual intimacy. Chronic compulsive deception is so disrespectful at best and toxic at its worst.
It’s called mental stimulation!!! Most people don’t have the capacity to open up and communicate! This is why Education is so important!!!!
I just saw this video five times last night and then showed it to my wife. It helped me put into words why I’ve been acting cold against her. Thank you, School of Life! 🙏
I’m so glad you did.
I've realized this quite some time ago but my partner is completely avoidant of any issues.
It makes it very hard when your the only one trying
Girl you gotta dump him if you haven’t already. A huge red flag is when your partner doesn’t even want to try.
I've exprienced it too and by letting him go or ending the relationship makes me find my self even more. I found peace and genuine happiness from within.
You should be the only one trying on Your issues. Move on. He can do better.
Fast forward many many years and you will just be two people living together without real closeness.
This is exactly my marriage right now. He avoids me for days without even looking at my way. If I am the one not taking, he knows I am upset but wouldn't ask anything and just pretend everything is fine. He never help me when I am sad. But when he has issues with parents or brothers or coworkers I am the one who stand beside him and support him. I don't know what to do. My intuitions are saying we're going to break up in the end. No matter how much I love him, he is going to take it for granted and gives nothing in return. Not even some good words.
This happens to me a lot, but with platonic friendships.
Friendships you *think* are platonic
David Ndiulor Well, considering I'm not attracted to females, I'd say those friendships are pretty platonic haha.
dani platonic love is love too. I think coldness can occur in every loving relationship. We even turn cold on our parents.
dani lol, you seriously don't have any guy friends?
Nati Whatever That's my thought process behind it.
We go cold when we are not satisfied, and it is really hard to always be satisfied because of the complex nature of human beings and relationships. And I do not think being satisfied necessarily means being happy or sad, rich or poor and so on. It is really a mixture of our biological, psychological and other needs.
Not always. Sometimes people take others for granted and get too comfortable.
@@SR77736 hence complex
truth
im watching this because i really care for my boyfriend, and i want to make sure i never go cold on him. he is my soul, i don’t know if i could forgive myself if i broke his heart.
Isn't becoming cold just becoming bored?
@@pluutoop I don't think it should be equally.
more like 60 to 40 your way but don't neglect him or relationship.
if he was your soul hed married you hun
@@katgreer6113i think it’s becoming hopeless
This video is so true. I've lived both sides: seething with hurt because of a build-up of unvoiced slights from my partner, versus me actually voicing my hurt in the moment regardless of how trivial it may be perceived. I know my relationship with my current partner is solid because whenever I've voiced my pain, he has trusted me and taken what I've said in an open and caring way. I'm committed to doing the same for him. I used to think saying "that joke you made really hurt me, even if it was about someone else or an unrelated topic". But I've come to realize resentment and coldness will ruin both the relationship and my confidence in my own voice and boundaries.
I got recently in that stage of boredom with my boyfriend. I felt so irritated with everything he does.
At one point he became cold, and then when we both decided to speak like grown-ups and put everything on the scale, it was clear.
Now I still get irritated by some things he does, but I don't give any value to that feeling.
No one is perfect, and that is the point.
Learn to love and accept without expectations of perfection of love.
I'm head over heels in love with my partner. We've had a lot of arguments but we always work on being better for eachother, learning about each others wants and needs and what made eachother upset and how to resolve it. Relationships aren't meant to be 100% happiness and free of struggle because that's not how life works. It's about learning to be kind to eachother and figuring out how to respond to eachother better. Getting stronger and learning more about eachother every day ❤️ My partner will never bore me because he inspires me and encourages me to be a better person and to achieve my goals and I do the same for him. The key to a life partnership is knowing that you've got each others back and arguments are just releasing frustrations and opportunities for better communication and stronger love. They can never break you unless you intentionally aim to hurt your partner and not just vent your worries/frustrations. No name calling, no hurting eachother. It's you and your partner vs. the problem, not you vs. your partner ☺️
Another thing that helps is nurturing that inner child. Buying eachother pyjamas and making eachother hot chocolates. Watching cartoons together. Being silly 😛 it all helps to connect and feel safe and loved and united ❤️ let yourself be a vulnerable baby with your partner and give them a space to do the same. We all need nurturing ☺️ you can be a serious grown up in every other part of your life lol
I felt the same until yesterday. He broke up with me saying he simply isn’t in love anymore. I knew he had frustrations with me and we were working on them super progressively. But then it all ended with a just I don’t think about you anymore and our sex life is dry. It sucks because I don’t feel the same at all. And we had so many plans for the future and we even lived to together at one point. I still love everything about our relationship. He just didn’t care about working things out in the end. I don’t know if that will change once I am away from him for a while. But I’m going to kill that hope now. I’m not going to chase after someone who doesn’t want to work on things and communicate anymore.
So basically dating is collecting information about someone untill you stop liking them . “The concept of familiarity “
This
And? Sexual reproduction and social cohesion (not just coupling) for rearing are the biological drivers. We aren't actually meant to live for very long.
@@suburbia2050 so if we live alone, we die way earlier?
@@suja605 😂 damn then what about the single people
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
i hope One Day I will meet someone who watches videos like this and is truly interested in growing in love
Same
Me too
Feelings go in and out, this is why you find your significant other to be your best friend.
When the infatuation wavers, you are still best friends and still enjoy each others company.
I have a fear of being given up on. I needed to hear this. Thank you for having such insightful videos!
Coldness of emotion is an act of great emotional stress, trying it’s best to understand and communicate. It’s muddier still if someone is a sociopath, but for most, tuning out is an abundance of emotion, not a lack of it. I find that really beautiful. Thanks.
Wow! I wish I had found the school of life earlier, but I'm glad I have it now
Connie B. +
I feel guilty because I was being mean to my boyfriend. I love him a lot but my mental health is really affecting me. I honestly feel so guilty about it that the guilt just overtakes everything.
Going through the same how did u improve urself ?
I'll try sharing the same advice with you that my therapist gave me - understand that guilt is not something that will do you good under any circumstances. Yes, we have all made mistakes and we all feel bad for mistreating our partners, but you just have to find the inner strength to forgive yourself. If the other person really cares about you, they will find forgiveness in their heart one way or another - try doing the same for yourself.
Be happy you still have him. I lost mine and then lost the person I was having fun with to try to mask the pain from the one who walked away from me so be grateful he still there.
I feel you, it's just something that happens. I get annoyed to him, cause it wasn't like when we were dating at the beginning, and I feel a bit sad and he doesn't realize but at the end of the day, I feel gulity, I adore him and it wasn't my intention to hurt him 😔
We are all monsters on the inside sometimes. But that doesnt mean you're worth less you're human. Ask him for forgiveness. Say sorry. Then forgive yourself and try to be better. It's a slow road but if you keep trying you will become more and more beautiful on the inside
Benefit of being single. Don't have to worry about no nonesense
enigmaticstatic 7 maybe you should be? Then?
enigmaticstatic 7 gotta respect that
@enigmaticstatic 7 I just broke up. It's very freeing to be honest.
enigmaticstatic 7 Then...why even bother in the first place? If you have no desire for companionship and could care less either way, why date simple because you “found a good one”? Good for what?
Yeeeees, I love being single.
The moment you realise that you don't need another person to make you happy is true enlightenment
Nah loneliness sucks
You don’t have to NEED anyone to fall in love tho. It’s not about needing anything, not about dependance or posession at all. That’s a big misconception.
Haha goodluck with that sentiment here.
@@ptit-monsieurit's not about loneliness, it's about being happy inside and, perhaps, sharing that happiness with others :)
Some people try to fill the void inside with coping mechanisms, even relashiopships can be one but it never works out.
@@riveteye93 One of the reason people are not happy inside is because they think they need to be happy inside to be with other people lol
We are social creatures, it's ok to be a part of someone else's life without asking anything in return, it can be a friend, a lover, or a complete stranger
"I'm 45 years old but incapable of sharing a tv remote" that was a call out on my mom for real 😂😂😂
" IN LOVE " is based on feelings and feelings always change over time. To choose to Love is the better and lasting way, also you will find over time you will fall in love again with that same person many times. " Unless a seed falls to the ground and dies...", so we find love is a choice of free will. Remember every time you snub your mate it takes 20 great expressions of loving commitment to erase that one little snub, so learn to " Do unto others as you would have them do unto you...".Just one little addition, you need to be best friends and love your friend as you love yourself!
Jack Pullen so indescribably understood
Indeed. Attraction isn't a choice, but love is a decision & a regular re-commitment to that decision. I'm always surprised by how the vast majority of society doesn't understand this.
Also, I've read in psychology journals that it takes seven praises(for a boss) to undo an admonition(to an employee). I wonder if it takes more to undo a snub to a loved one because it hurts more.
Adam Martin, the difference is vast as between the stars if you can receive it. You don't stand before a man and repeat vows that are meant to be kept for a lifetime, and it would be bad to consider your wife as your boss! I hope you take this as wisdom in a humorous way somewhat. Anyway i think many just don't go to that depth of understanding before saying " I DO ". TY jack
Jack Pullen real christian. just suck it up and give give give and never acknowledge you are a human being. because of course as a Christian, your not.
Kathy Myers No,Not what i am saying at all. One should never be someones door mat! Good, strong relationships are a give and take. They require much hard work on both but when you look after time and find that you would trade it for nothing else and your mate believes likewise, well i just hope for others to get there, because life goes by faster than you think and when someone you love really dies all you'll have is memories.Feelings come and go, but experiences last a lifetime!
It pains me to say this, but after going through a 8yr roller-coaster of relationship, parting ways on good terms sometimes might just be the best solution out there for both of you. It's a hard pill to swallow, but sometimes things simply don't work out for you and that is when you should consider parting with your significant other. People change with time and sometimes the connection you once shared simply isn't there anymore. And that is ok. Be grateful for sharing the journey while you knew it made sense for you.
Separation is hard, but remaining in a stale relationship with nothing to learn from each other can only lead to frustration and further distancing. Cherish the relationship for what it is and don't force it into being something it's not.
But what i dont understand is that could just be a cycle then if we do that and you'll just be in a bunch of other relationships, why can't people on both sides just see that youll eventually stop learning stuff about your partner and to just enjoy each others company and realize you're both just human at the end of the day.
a zebra can’t change its stripes
i felt this way in a past relationship which led me to lash out at him and never feel secure in the partnership. we brought out the worst in each other. being secure enough in a new one to know that i should never be ashamed of what i feel and that i should communicate my thoughts as concisely as possible has really helped us build something fulfilling.
Just got into an discussion with my boyfriend and I have never resonated so much with a video. The lack of communication really builds up over time and eventually both know whats wrong but neither want to fix it. It has broken my relationship but it helps show that only growth and understanding in bothbpartners can keep a relationship 😭
i don't know if i'm the one to talk, but i walked in my first relationship after 27 years of being single, i learned how to be single all my life and i loved my life, being in a relationship is tricky but exciting, make some sacrifices and communicate, don't lose yourself in the relationship, each of you have your own friends and own hobbies, give each other space and time when needed, don't get hurt if ur partner asked for space cuz you'll eventually need it too and you'll want to be able to ask for it. My relationship is a year old and we had our problems but they've been solved with communication. I know that things will get tougher, harder and more intense. But i'm hoping for the best and trusting that we both will change when it's needed to grow a little bit up with time.
I just don't know how to tell him I need some space without him thinking that I want to break up with him
@@sara.s.7032 Well, when i happen to need some space, i make sure first that he's not going through bad time in his life right now that he might need me for, then i bring it up when we're both in a good mood cuz otherwise the other person WILL think there's something wrong, i say something like 'I'm sorry if i'v been kinda off lately i'm just going thru some shit, i need to figure some stuff out and i need to focus, you mind if we gave each other some space for a while?' i know it still sounds a bit triggering but the way you say it also counts, not sure how old or strong ur relationship is but you know better how to treat your bf :)
TLDR; tell him you need some space like you'd want him to tell you, without getting hurt or thinking the worst :)
Heyyy! How is it going a year later? I am now almost 2 years in a relationship and I feel like I am lost. I am feeling so frustrated and don't know what to do anymore.
I was wondering what last year taught you in your relationship.
I'm 27 and about to enter my first relationship too. I don't want to lose my independent self, but I also want to learn and grow from the other person. What you say is important, because it is about balance.
Why.. why am I crying
Made me cry too.
Because you need a hug?
im crying
Same. F
Because he spoke your truth....
The hardest part of learning to love and have meaningful relationships is when to let go of them and being able to do so in a respectful way.
12 years in and I still can’t wait to see him again.
We also sleep in separate rooms & beds.
Respecting others space and privacy is priceless. I am so blessed and have a blessed life.
I think this applies to all relationship that matters to us, parents/ best friends/ siblings and lovers. The title should be changed to include all these relationships.
UGHHHH!!! This is so true! My partner didn't know how to talk to me about something he was scared of, and became distant. It left me confused for the longest time. I tried to ask him so many times what is wrong in gentle ways, and got nothing in return. Until one day I got upset, got in his face (well tried, he's taller than me lol) and asked, "Why are you scared of me?" Something clicked. I saw in his eyes that he was confused at the question, because I'm smaller and physically weaker, but eventually he knew that I wasn't talking about the fear of physical strength. He couldn't deny he was scared, but he had to make it clear that I wasn't a monster or something lol. From there we actually started talking and it got better.
I'm scared of you
That’s so great to hear. That sounds like a great tool. When I go cold, I hate it and would love for something to help me ‘snap’ out of it. If I knew that my partner could handle hearing what I’m feeling and not be afraid, I think I could open up so much easier!
That’s spectacular!! The click!! I actually hate it when I’m feeling cold and my partner tries to be gentle. I want rough seas, I want to feel shaken awake by them. Is that weird?
You probably are a monster tbh.
This is the most healing thing that I needed right now, thank you so much! I’m not very good at putting my feelings into words and this just described my feelings perfectly
This gave me chills, it hit so close to home. I even (after decades) have started to recognize that often I just get emotionally hurt by things that happen in our daily life, but rarely would I ever say it like that.
This is my take away from entire video.
When we can't tell our partner what we expect of them, how their action or inaction have brought deep sadness to us then slowly we start withdrawing from them, go silent and cut them off.
Only solution is being vocal which isn't that easy.
100
So difficult
You summed it up beautifully!
I basically let a relationship with someone I loved die because I went cold on him. It's something I regret a lot now that I'm in a better mental place. I can only imagine how much it hurts to be on the receiving end.
Can I ask you a question please?
Typical women.
@@tolloromassi99 nah I'm a man and I did the same. It's not a sex thing
@@bobdigi500 I wasn't replying to you.
@@bobdigi500 Indeed, anybody can respond to anybody that's not the point. I was concerned with the OP's "going cold on somebody" behaviour, which is a profoundly female trait. I was at the receiving end of that coldness from females.
Basically what are we doing? That's how I feel in this moment. Everything is up in the air.
yep exactly
I watched this when it came out years ago and i first found out i was bipolar. This helped me so much in being able to speak on how i felt no matter how the matter seemed
Healthy, well adjusted people don’t have a problem with this. Like a child... yes. Great way to explain. Thank you. ❤️
Assuming both partners are healthy and one isn't a narcissist. Chronic coldness and apathy are part of the abuse the narcissist inflicts as punishment, and someone undergoing this might think, 'Oh, I just need to love him more.' (As codependents do.) Narcissists don't love like healthy people do. But in healthy scenarios, this is correct.
100%
Yeah, the more I look back on my past relationship, the more I feel like I got sucked into this narcissistic bullshit :/
Agreed. However, in my experience I've sometimes seen people treat this as an easy out. Someone being chronically cold because their partner unintentionally but continuously hurts them may or may not be a narcissist, but the person who genuinely doesn't understand that they're hurting them already doesn't have the slightest clue as to what the problem is.
Sometimes people will latch onto the first answer they may have to this situation because it deflects blame and/or prevents them from having to seriously sit down and consider what they may be doing wrong in their relationship. It becomes much easier to paint their partner as the problem than it is to admit they may be actively (or passively as it happens) hurting their partner.
I don't think "healthy relationships" should be a footnote when it comes to diagnosing why people sometimes grow apart. "Healthy" implies what can be considered to be a "normal" relationship. Being in a relationship with a narcissist is not a healthy relationship and therefore not normal. Therefore people interested in potentially fixing relationship problems should consider the "normal" first before they consider the "abnormal" and compare them with equal weight.
*****
You have to think about why you feel the need to punish them. Chances are, they are going to get on fine without you there and you're the one who is alone because of it.
Yet, it is certainly normal to want to pull away from a dysfunctional family situation, but that should be done for your own inner good and self care, not because you wish to punish them. The very act of 'punishing' is being other person focused. If your sister is selfish and won't listen to you, then that is on her, not you.
Very important caveat. I've been with healthy partners and narcissistic ones. The differences are subtle, but one thing that sets apart healthy v unhealthy is in hindsight it may become clear a partner was being intentionally hurtful.
It's almost scary how timely your video releases are.
I was just thinking the same thing. I'm glad it's not just me.
Same here
Big same
Still getting over a breakup from a few months ago and trying to figure out why she and I stopped communicating in a meaningful way. This helps me understand things a bit.
This has been the most helpful and accurate sounding bit of information in explaining how I’ve been feeling , which is that coldness and disinterest, towards my current partner. Thank you
I remember trying to teach myself how to become numb as a child.
I succeeded
Eeeey numb gang! 🥲
these videos make me feel like I'll never be able to commit to a serious relationship for a long time haha:/ .. anyone else feel similar?
im 71 already and have given up hope
I can’t commit. People say my expectations are too high but I’m not lowering them. I require basic respect that’s mutual.
@@courtneyfaithmis good for you.. respect is of utmost importance
holy sh*t, this comment section is insane (in a good way). People are so deep, philosophical, and conscious. I feel like I’m reading quotes off of pinterest. I relate to every comment. I love it! 🤍
Something very meaningful is articulated here in an extremely understandable and succinct manner. Phenomenal work. It becomes even more impressive when you realize it also applies to regular friendships. Should be compulsory viewing for everyone aged 12 and up.
My ex used to tell me "Grow up, why are you always like a kid and having a temper tantrum?" Now I know it's because I truly loved him and was willing to open up my most vulnerable side. He, on the other hands, didn't even have the capacity to love.
Omg same!
Same here, so i broke up and finally after some time i feel i did the right decision.
I have to say this is one of the best vids from SoL so far.
Thanks so much.
When you first get in a relationship its new, fresh and exciting. You were trying to attain the unattainable. Once you attain, you become more and more complacent.
It's like, I'm watching these videos and hearing his words. And, my past life plays out in the background. I understand now, what I was actually going through. My eyes get moist. And then, I'm filled with hope. I love you 'School of Life'.
This lack of communication was the end of my last relationship. So much so that I literally hated him after, since I was never able to discuss what was bothering me. Which, inevitably blew up in the end
I’m in a 2 year relationship with my boyfriend and I’m glad we have a lot of communication.
It could be hard to communicate and somehow we always manage to fix our problems. We argue a lot and by the end of the day we are the happy couple, again. “Communication is the key in a relationship”
This is so true! I remember how many people were telling me and my husband “oh just wait you’ll end up getting bored” or “honey moon only lasts a few months” which was really dumb because even with our discussions were never bored, after 5 years together we always wanna be with each other and not hurt one another 🤷🏻♀️
Why does everyone have Squidward's nose??
they look more like koalas to me
^ 😂
national socialist edgy
So edgy = true now? Pretty sad.
Joe McKeown cuz squidward has no soul
One of the few things my overthinking brain never thought about...
Thank you so much for explaining why my partner and I have grown colder with each other. It helps me to know we can talk about our hurts and create some healing in the relationship. We've been married for 5 years, together for 7 and I'm not giving up :)
This is so so beautifully written and animated..It encapsulates the feeling I had just yesterday, feeling so ridiculous after having voiced my hurt about something so very unimportant. It’s so difficult to come back from it and hard to explain, that I often wish I would have never said anything. I truly though feel better each time I do. We have to be so patient with eachother as a couple, sometimes just decompress or voice our feelings. Relationships are work, sometimes time flies and it feels easy and light not like work at all. Sometimes it takes work and time, makes us very aware of every moment and discomforts.
It’s crazy how much I’ve resonated with this. I’m even going to share this with my girlfriend because I think there’s aspects of this explanation that we’ll each respectively relate to. Thank you.
Oh, this hits home. It describes my marriage (we separated a year ago after 17 years). It certainly describes *me* and, as best as I can tell, my wife. I just sent this video to her acknowledging how my being this way affected us and that I am sorry for the pain it caused for her. I take some solace in recognizing myself in this video.
That's very humble of you to acknowledge your mistake!
Just went thru it this week. Spouse told me it’s too busy at work, too worried about elderly mom’s health, or needing to make appointments to make time to shop for one (1) Xmas present for me. (A silly raincoat!) My inner child heard,”I can’t be bothered, you don’t matter, you’re old news!” Loud & clear. Beginning the wall of disengagement now. Yea, Xmas just came along suddenly without warning. Right. I haven’t wasted time trimming the tree.
This video truly did help me understand the innerworkings inside my head, Instead of going cold. The vulnerable part of me seeks attention from the partner for validation.