Chapters: 0:00 Intro 5:30 Sense of Self 5:34 Sense of Self (Identity) 5:50 Sense of Self (Personality) 6:51 Sense of Self (Goodness) 9:38 Sense of Self (A Healthy Sense of Self) 11:55 Sense of Self (Undeveloped Sense of Self) 15:20 Recap (Unhealthy Parenting Messages About Self) 16:17 Please Subscribe! 16:39 How to Rebuild 16:53 How to Rebuild (What's Been Missing) 19:45 How to Rebuild (Feelings = Self) 25:57 How to Rebuild (What to Do?) 27:14 How to Rebuild (Social Practice) 29:51 Final Thoughts 34:18 Outro
@@mebeasenseiYou can do it! I'm 67, suddenly facing divorce with an ASD1 guy who has declared he has no interest if figuring out why he needs to triggering my CPTSD via boundary violation, disrespect, and violating trust in multiple chronic ways like lying and gaslighting me, even though he has 22 years in ACA 12 Step, is in therapy (but apparently only to validate that I'm the problem). Plus I have panic disorder. I'm just DONE with people, my last years should be my OWN!
Yes, & “I’m so flexible, I can fit just about anywhere”. Saying “we really need to talk about this when we aren’t both so stressed,” then rarely making the concrete “when is a mutually agreeable time to plan this”. I wonder if earlier years, was forgetting things an ADD/ADHD sense of self-protection?😮 Now, at 70, feeling regret that I allowed the negative behavior of spouse & my lack of knowing HOW to set, AND HOLD healthy boundaries around raising our son, without so many emotional explosions.
28:22 SMART Family & Friends, SMART Recovery. The meetings focus on learning tools; focusing on our self care, recognizing our thoughts, etc. But some of the members of meetings connect up with each other and go deeper.
yeh, i used to think that was such a good thing. Now i can tolerate it if the version of me that doesn't change is perceived to be a little unusual/particular/passionate about some issue/whatever
Yeah it’s amazing how much of what I thought was just “natural” to me - anxiety, hypervigilance, depression, being a pushover, constantly triggered, being needy - were actually trauma responses.
I suppose it IS, in a way. It's definitely a skill appreciated by even perfectly normal people, too, it's just not always true to one's self. I am better at boundaries now, in those kind of situations, but there's no point with toxic people and I can't and usually won't do much for them anymore.
As a young adult I had zero sense of self - I chased relationships with people who clearly weren't interested or who were toxic, I loathed myself, and had no ability to process criticism or figure out who I was, who I wanted to be, and how to get there. Thankfully, I was very fortunate to have a friend in college who saw my emotional and social flailing and had a very direct conversation with me. Instead of asking my why I was doing what I was doing, or chastising me for my maladaptive behaviors, she said "I see you not telling the truth; I see you avoiding resolving issues, I see that you are miserable. I want you to know that you are a beautiful, intelligent, kind person, and you are worth so much more than that." She didn't tell me what to do, she didn't judge, she was simply brutally honest and totally loving. That conversation was literally life-changing, and while I still had a lot of work to do, it set me on the path to being a much healthier me. Thanks Jennifer - I love you.
The phrase "To be someone means to be a burden" really resonated with me. That's how I feel whenever my opinions, wants, or needs are in opposition with others. I have to really think through it to get myself to voice even a fairly inane disagreement. I have to tell myself "They are your friends. They won't be upset about going to the Mexican restaurant instead of the Italian. They said they were only leaning towards Italian, not that they don't want Mexican." It's exhausting and makes me feel like I'm being silly.
Totally understandable, given our inherited mental "programming" that used to say our feellings/opinions were stupid 🐴 and a burden to others 👎🏾🤮 ... Thank God we have Patrick 💯 and we have now our own selves, maybe for the first time in years ✨ ... We will undo the shi*ty "programming" and be happy as never before 💙🥰 .
This is literally my brain every day with social anxiety. I overthink things all the time. And it feels like stuff like this is so trivial (I tell myself: "I shouldn't have a problem with this, why can't I just be a normal person and do this simple thing?") but the anxiety you get thinking about everything that could go wrong is so real.
I have had people directly tell me I was a burden when I was legitimately seeking help. It is taking a lot for me to be willing to admit to others again, when I need help. I know not everyone is like that but it is really difficult for me to know what is okay to ask, who, and what. When it was just me, I felt like it was okay to stumble along without. But I have a young kid now, I can't allow him to go through that.
SAME. I was clinically depressed in middle and high school, parents never noticed (which given that they caused it isn't a surprise). I was a worn out veteran by the time I got to college, and I never even realized it until I went to therapy in my thirties.
@@rachelraimi19When my mom caught on to that, she definitely wanted me in therapy so that the therapist would tell me to get in line with the program. 🙄
My value was based on fulfilling my mother's ego ideal. She is not a perfect person, but she thinks I could be a messiah-like charming expert figure if only I wanted to. Being the only religious person in the family I have begun to learn from medieval Catholicism that social, temporal and material things are never really perfect. Only immaterial things are amenable to perfection. So doing my reasonable best and being open to learning more, without any pressure, is close enough.
I’m at my job’s bathroom stall crying watching/listening to this. I’ve been through so so much. I’m 34 and I no longer wish to carry all of this stuff inside of me anymore. Thank you for this video. ♥️
This happened to me and I got the police called on me and removed from the business. It was embarrassing and dehumanizing. I’m male If you didn’t guess.
Same, my life gets so much more calm and relaxed the more I grow and change as a person. I have real friends for the first time at 25 and it's wonderful.
My mother used to tell us children "Better the devil you know than the one you don't". I would always wonder "Why be with a 'devil' in the first place?". She just chose bad partners repeatedly to feel superior and eventually get to play victim when things inevitably went sideways. Sad, horrible words of "wisdom".
Happy for you, it’s getting far worse for me. Maybe because therapy and medications don’t help, diving into the self only makes me self obsessed. I’m tired. So fucking tired
Thanks for sharing. Not too hopeful. I imagine if I become okay as a adult it’ll be the most exuberant happiness I can feel. I fantasize about crying tears of joy. Idk tho. Shit blows now. I’m valueless Edit: don’t argue with me. I’m just bitching.
I almost just threw up thinking about all the times my alcoholic mom would tell me that her and her husband are going off on 1 or 2 family vacations yearly to "get away from me" I'd never talk like that to a 7 year old. Let alone parents talking like that to their child.
My father threatened to send us to boarding school and I wanted to go to get away from them, but I daren't say so because of the repercussions. I had read stories in books and comics about children at boarding school and it seemed a lovely life. As an adult I realised that it was an empty tbreat anyway because they would never have been able to afford it.
OMG!!! Thank you!!! that is such a hugely important 'heads up' I am so deeply sorry that you had that experience, and I think I understand exactly what that is like. I know that experience so so well and yet I still walk into those situations like a trusting lamb every time, still to this day. Scary that I will be 78 years old soon, worry that I will still just be a very old baby lanb -- Thank you Diane for the great warning ! And so greatful to Patrick Teahan for helping us to find our ways back to the wholeness of our selves through his work .
Whoa! Everything you said hit me hard!, hard hard!!!! I totally hate that happened to you, I am so so sorry. I get exactly your situation My own Terror comes forward full on!!!! Everything you said! That is a risk I don't think I can take, maybe ever. Thank you for saying exactly everything about your experience!!!! Again, I want you to know how so sorry I am that you had that experience. I totally get how damaging that was---fragile and how unsafe you felt. I know this from my own heart racing self. All of the things you do for yourself is so awsome, and how hard it has been. I lost my words for a long time and I am just beginning to get back to being able to articulate. So I am grateful that I am now able to put it all together to say OMG you are so powerful and you are so amazing!!! I am so impressed and stunned how much you have had to overcome to be here now and, I feel that you are thriving. I celebrate you!!!! And thank you again!!! I am so grateful for this information.....warding me off from being there again myself way too recently I know the alone and the fear...
My mother was feeling talkative one day when I was about 22 years old. She brought up a time when I was in the sixth grade, and I did some vandalism at school. Back then, I did not know why I did it, but now I see it was because I was frustrated about my homelife. My mother said that at the time, my teachers told her that she should take me to a psychologist to find out why I did this. But she told them, "No, I could never do that to her," like it was a mother's job to protect her child from something as traumatic as having her head examined. You see, back in the 1960's having a mental health problem was shameful. People whispered about you and turned their backs if you walked past them. If someone "had a nervous breakdown," they were smirked at behind their back for being "weak, cowardly, screwy in the head." When my 22-year-old self heard that she declined help for me when I was 11, I was outraged. I said nothing out loud to her but in my mind, I ranted: "YOU didn't want anyone to find out YOUR secrets! The dysfunctions in our family would have been laid out for a mental health professional to evaluate. And YOU did not want that. That's why you kept me from getting help over ten years ago!" I grieved over all of those unhappy teen years when I could have gotten some encouragement and maybe a different perspective on life, but I was denied it - unbeknownst to me. Then, I went to a counselor on my own soon after that.
I'm really sorry. I found out something similar from my mom: she suspected when my brother and I were young kids that we could have autism but never sought out help despite him clearly suffering and taking it out on me our whole lives. She said "I didn't want my kids to be labeled" but I heard "I didn't want my kids to be autistic." She's also told my years after the fact that she was really worried about me at certain points but she never did anything at the time to help. It's neglect.
@matthewpool6508 yeah, i get it. Sorry man. My mom still says I was " a difficult child." Ironically she said my son acted just like I did, and laughed that I was getting it back. He was much younger then, and he's 16 now. Diagnosed. I don't even know if my mom understands that or has thought that deeply about it. I saved myself.
This video is so relatable! When I was younger I had no sense of self (still working on this at 42). I would like the music and activities of the person I was dating. If I brought up conflict I would feel guilty. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life career-wise. I was in denial that I was this type of person. Just lost… Definitely went through some healing later in my life and I'm currently in another stage of healing. Learning to be proud of who I am and not hide aspects of myself to fit in. I just want to let people know, that are ripping the bandaid off and facing their wounds, I promise it gets better. ❤
No sh*t! The DSM is always woafully behind the times. It prides itself on not jumping to any trendy conclusions. That sounds scarily a lot like the Papacy!🙀 One wouldn't want to beatify a saint too quickly for fear of copycat beatifications . 😅
"It's not that you're a child, it's that you're a problem." My parents made it abundantly clear that they didn't like children. They grumbled and rolled their eyes if kids were nearby in restaurants or other public spaces. My friends weren't allowed to play at our house or in our yard. Toys were strictly limited to our rooms, never in the kitchen, yard or family room. Even now, my mother sounds appalled when my brother's kids are getting pregnant, like, who would want that?? I grew up never wanting to have children myself. It's only now, in my 60s, that I am realized how much I internalized that message. How could I not? I'm so sad and angry at what I was denied.
It's such a shame that older generations had children knowing they didn't want them but felt like they had to. So many people forgot bringing a baby into this world is also bringing a fulling functioning and feeling human :(
I think my mother likes accessories, which is what small kids kind of were for her. Kids with personal opinions and feelings were not wanted. I'd say she should have got a chihuahua in a little purse, but she also doesn't like animals. 😂😢
I was kind of in a similar situation. My dad was way older and my mom was in her 30’s and decided to get pregnant. She went through several rounds of IVF, sperm donors, had 8 miscarriages…until I came along. You would think after spending all of that money and putting in all of that work, you would be thrilled to have a kid and truly wanted it. But it seems the novelty wore off after the baby stage. It was often made clear to me that I was a burden and keeping my parents from living the life they wanted. It’s always sort of mystified me. Edited to add that I would NEVER have or adopt a child unless I 100% knew I would be willing to care for one for the rest of my life, regardless of how old they or I am.
This sounds like generational trauma playing itself out. The only thing you can really do is try your best not to pass that on. It honestly sounds like they did not want you.
@sovereign_soul_starseed Aye. Just when I thought I was beginning to get better. We peel off another layer, and look, there is more stuff to process. I guess when we are finished it will be time to go....
I just learned that I shouldn’t assume that a lack of confidence is necessarily coming from my childhood trauma, or even from within at all. Going forward, for the first question to ask myself when I lack confidence is who is new in my life, and are they displaying behavior that devalues me in some way, either overtly or covertly? I’m too quick to assume that every problem I encounter in life is somehow my own fault, and THAT is one toxic narrative from my childhood.
Whoa. This is great. It's still hard to get rid of the narrative that it's all my fault and something is inherently wrong with me; but in ideal circumstances I'd be myself and everyone would celebrate me for it. It's not my fault for living in such a sick society.
There is a fine line between not enough ownership and too much guilt. My current thinking is that 1) I am not the cause of most stuff happening around 2) i can improve the situations, but it is ok if i don't, because nobody can fix everything 3) I have to deal with consequences of situations even if i didn't cause them 4) everybody is making mistakes/doesn't have time to do everthing well and that is just how life is 5) the definition of "doing things well" is different for everybody. In the end, just try to do your best and understand that everybody is not perfect and that it is ok.
The statement you gave "you are a good person" just unlocked something for me. After bawling, for the first time I could care less what my mother ( in a cult church), family, & especially deadbeat father toxic seperated abusive criminal husband of 18 plus years thinks of me. I am a good person. Its like a force field went up......Today Im not a slave to all of these self interested manipulators. You're a good man Patrick. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Youve totally made a difference. You mentioned once in a feed the question of what is it to be a man. You ARE a good man. No missing the mark there... Have a good day.
Yep. I realized at my ACA meeting the other night that I actually never enforce boundaries (like I thought) I just run. Cutting people off is not setting boundaries. Thats just avoiding confrontation/conflict, which is a lot easier than enforcing a boundary and then dealing with the aftermath
I completely identified with your comment about cutting people off/out from your life. I am going to my first ACA meeting in a couple of weeks. Been sober in AA for years now. Thought I had worked a lot on myself. But end of a marriage has resulted in an unravelling, therapy, and an awareness there is a whole new load of work to be done. As is always the case, I find it so helpful when I identify with someone else's experience.
Thank you - it’s almost astounding to know that this stuff is finally known by (some) trained therapists in this age. As a child & teen I was known as a depressed, disgruntled, ungrateful liar. I still fight feelings that that’s still who I am. I was a lovely, kind and intelligent child but my mother despised and literally hated me, even as an infant.
I relate so much! My mother also literally hated me, since the day I was born. It's a terrible feeling to know that your own mother, the one who birthed you out of her own body, deeply despises you. It hurts, and colors your view of yourself.
You speak for me too ❤ and I always felt sorry for her. Only now I am embracing myself after getting a jolt through my multiple health issues...and unburdening myself of heaps of negativity...
I also can heavily relate to what you're saying. My mother always preferred my younger brother and greatly disliked me, no matter how thin I stretched my little self. I am absolutely convinced that all of us abandoned kids were actually the most adorable, worthy and loveable little human beings. It's only our incapable caregivers who made us think otherwise.
I have all the signs of having childhood trauma without having had a super dysfunctional family life or having experienced abuse in the home. Therapists have always been somewhat dismissive when I bring this up like if I didn't have the Bad Things in my home I don't have trauma from childhood. The way you explain things has made me realize the abuse I received was in the church school I grew up in, and my parents were simply unable to see what was happening to me because of the insidious nature of religious abuse and the gaslighting we all received.
I have spent my life hating myself for not being able to choose a college/career path whatsoever so I went for a semester and quit. Not having that has cost me a lifetime of only having the most crap jobs and now I live in poverty with no chance at 66 for otherwise. It's been embarrassing. But I recently understood that my parents beat any sense of me-ness out of me physically and emotionally. There was no way I could have made those choices. Still impoverished but now I'm not hating myself for it.
I too am in my 60s and was lost for many years. I have been fortunate to have found my way to something like a "calling" where my old wounds can be turned into strengths. Do not lose faith in your own heart and the unique gift it is yours to give the world. "It is never too late to be what you might have been" -George Elliot (reportedly)
(Not in the same situation) but not hating yourself anymore for certain choices you’ve made is a form of strength and liberation that I wish one day to have
About 30 minutes ago I wouldn't able to recognize the feelings you bring up as even being feelings. Finally seeing them as feelings rather than "negativities" was a big step.
I still can‘t take the „you are a good person“. My inner belief system (that I intellectually know developed to protect me during childhood) is too strong. But I found the bridge statement „It’s okay that I exist.“ that helps me to slowly soften the rigidity of that inner belief system.
I know that being social and belonging is what would be most healing and it is the hardest, triggering thing for me to manage. Doesn't help that I have a history with places of belonging that turned toxic and rejecting. It feels insurmountable.
Stop telling yourself it's insurmountable, you're worth so much to the world. My tip? My realization was that I was going into UA-cam videos and getting confirmation/validation for my negative videos. Which repeats the cycle in my mind over and over. It feels good for a tiny bit, but I don't feel the emotions as I was scared of them and intellectualizing them wayyyyy to much. Once I started feeling them, and avoiding "feeling" others bad emotions or intaking bad validation, I've noticed a tiny improvement and some weight off my shoulders after literally years of this... Promise it just feels that way because of the trauma or betrayal, or rejection you experienced at one point. You gotta feel those emotions. Sometimes you aren't ready, but there's no time like today, you'll survive!! You made it this far, get a therapist to help guide you, that's what they are for. But I just did some shadow work, journaling and light guiding with these channels. It's been a nightmare of years of journaling to get those thoughts out, getting confirmation from others this is the issue, seeing it in my journal a few weeks to years after that I'm still in the same spot to really realize how severe the negative self talk is to push me to act NOW and just FEEEEEEEL. ANOTHER GOOOD PIECE OF ADVICE? Don't tell yourself anything but it's possible. Cut out bad influences.. if it's music, tv shows, whatever is allowing "bad" thoughts in. It's crazy how liable the brain is to this stuff.
The points you mentioned are so spot on I feel like you spoke directly to me. I keep coming back to this video to understand the concepts better. Thank you so much.
That feeling, looking out the window and watching her drive off to drink either in a bar or a friends; while dad raged and raged. And we were just left there with him. What a problem I must be, I had thought, that I don’t even get to come too.
I used to sit at the window, sometimes for hours, waiting for my mom to return home from the bar. To make sure she wasn’t dead. As soon as she pulled in I would run to my room and pretend to be asleep because she was terrifying when she was drunk, even when she was in a good mood.
Hi Patrick, I usually don't comment (I prefer to stay hidden due to the exact social fears and inhibitions you mention in your video) - but I somehow felt the need to change that today. I've been following for a long time and I've learned a lot about myself and my cPTSD healing journey from you. THANK YOU so much for the important work you do and the content you put out for us all! It's always on point and so incredibly rich in information. My inner child and I thank you and wish you all the best things!
I’m in tears “I’m a good person” I really sometimes don’t hear that from the people I value in my life. I struggle as a mom, my mother was so harsh. I don’t think she ever called me beautiful. I feel so lost when raising my teenagers. I don’t want to be like mom. Yet I seeing I myself struggling with issues as a mom with my kids that affected my relationship with my mother. It’s so awful when I haven’t worked through these issues by myself to see myself. I was also raised in a cult and that community makes you one, in unity with thought and action. I feel nothing, I say nothing, I hear nothing focus is only on the unity of the group. I lost myself. Now I’m a mom with kids struggling to be themselves unique and I don’t know how to process uniqueness when never had it or know how to find it. Thank you for being kind. I need help. This is a safe place for me. I appreciate you.
I hear you. Sometimes my teenage daughter would yell at me, so angry and I would panic. Once I stopped her and said, “OK, you hate me, fine. But you know that I love you no matter what, yeah?” She rolled her eyes and said, “Duh!” and then started her ranting again. I left home at 16 believing I was not only unlovable but the worst b*tch in the world. I wanted my daughter to be able to scream and yell if she wanted to, without fear of losing my love. Sometimes she would complain that I wasn’t engaging enough with her reality- not being there enough for her, emotionally. I told her that I was doing my best but that I had holes and gaps and could not give her what I was missing inside. The thing is, we talked openly and I worked hard at not taking her outbursts personally. I was so happy that she was confident enough to be angry at me - something I did not dare to do as a kid. She is now doing her PhD in social psychology. I have broken the chain of Spock-damaged parenting. The fact that you are aware is everything. Your honesty will mean so much to your kids. You get to be the Mother you always wish you had had. Sending you love and strength. You are not alone. ❤
I have rebuilt my sense of self to a point. Currently I'm noticing a lack of dreams and goals. My IC was so invested in performing and achieving for others approval, the idea of a personal dream is just a blank. I guess this is the next focus!
I can really understand how hearing "you are a good person" in that context at such an early age would be pivotal. I was in my fifties before I uncovered these core beliefs ("I am not good" and "I am not real"). It's shocking at such a mature age and having spent most of my adult life doing "work" on myself to uncover two such devastating assumptions. You can't fix what you can't see, though, so ultimately, I benefited from the insight.
@@GodTurnItAround it's a good thing to become aware of. Once we bring these into the light we can start to see that they never had substance. We are real, we have always been real. We are as real as anyone or anything else.
God, I hate the social aspect of my healing journey soo much! I'm making good progress with the help of my therapist and on my own and I know I need to take the next step and include other people in life, but God, I do not want to. Every person just seems to rub me the wrong way. I immediately lose my footing and go up into my head as soon as another person enters the room. My friendly and kind demeanour towards everyone is a fasade. I want friends and connections, but I don't want them to know me. I don't want to give away even a tiny little bit of myself out of fear of what they might do with that piece of information. I don't want to talk to neighbours, I don't want to make small talk; I'm not interested in the lives of my co-workers. They all think I'm super outgoing and nice and noone but my boyfriend and my therapist know how exhausted I am because of it. I know the cause. I know what I need to do to heal. But I just want to disappear onto a remote island without anybody around. I feel like that, maybe, if I sit by the shore of a lake for the next eighty years and just breathe, maybe then I will be okay again.
I hear you!!! I truly hate that aspect ! Disappear is the word that says it all! As for myself, I always wear a lot of black because I hope it to make me invisable I hope It ito be my protective armor!!! And yes, to just breathe, maybe be okay, maybe be safe somehow. I am wishing for peace. And for you I am wishing you peace and protection, comfort, happiness
wow, its like smn wrote a summary of my state as of now. i feel the same way, i dont want anyone to know me, i dont want to put myself out there, i dont want my nice persona to take over, and my real self to remain with zero connection to the other person i feel so defeated and exhausted
@@tirone7520 I hope for you to know that you are not alone. And as someone who deeply knows this feeling of exhaustion and defeat, and when someone else can articulate this experience which otherwise feels so deeply personal and individual, it can be as if some one came to bring you a bright warm light. This community of Patrick Teahan followers Is the first experience of connection I've felt, maybe ever! And I sincerely hope this brings you the comfort as it has me.
Hi. To me , not knowing who I was/am can be summed up in the movie Runaway Bride. " You don't even know what kind of eggs you like." Ouch. I didn't know what food i liked, what clothes or colours i wanted to wear. How to make friends. Or even what i wanted to "do" for a job. I'm 64 soon, and i still haven't figured out what i want to be when i grow up. I have studied, i work , i teach literacy, my children are grown, and they're mostly ok. Two of them are ND, and i gave them as much support as i could. Now i feel like an empty shell. I'd like to go away for a few months and live by the sea, take walks daily, and take time for myself to heal. But that is so not possible. Instead, i shall watch these wonderful talks from Mr Teahan. And listen to meditations, do tapping and take a walk at the nearest beach. Journal, pray, and paint. And try to be patient with myself.
Didnt have a sense of self before I burnt myself out and was in my rock bottom. Having emotional neglect from childhood i dissociated any intense emotion even happiness and keep people at arms length. Slowly starting to feel myself again after so many years but still have to deal with the process of reparenting my inner child to give her a fulfilling life
Holy shit Patrick, this is no doubt your best video so far. It's a remarkable summary of the pain of growing up in a childhood trauma environment, and it deserves to be broadcast everywhere. Bravo!
Many thanks Patrick. Again your information is so inspiring to me. Many years of self-help, books, videos and meditation, I once again I am whole. My self trust is back, my triggers although not fully extinguished are minimal. I can move away from toxic and dysfunctional friendships. I'm again being my real-self and can mainly see genuine friendships worth investing in and also those who are manipulative and destructive. My relationship with my husband, who was mentally abused and manipulated by his parents (mainly mother) growing up, is coming to terms with this, after a few years of coping with her Alzheimers and a decision to put her into care. Although stressful and at times, nearly fragmenting our relationship, he learnt about her basic personality. By seeing her real self he fought to maintain his own self, this I'm glad to say with my support has made our relationship stronger and real again. Thanks again for your invaluable advice.
3:17 I started playing the violin at age 9. I actually wanted to play the piano that we had in our dining room at home but it needed repair work and every time I begged my parents to fix it they’d blow me off. For me though I think music was more of an escape from reality. When I was on stage performing I’d look into the black void of the auditorium and pretend no one else was there as I played. I’d perform in choirs and in theatre too and when I was on stage sometimes I’d even lose time. I guess for me it was more about dissociation than identity.
@@Inug4mi I am a singer and the act of breath control and lyrics I love are one thing that helps center me. It lowers my stress levels and reduces negative chatter in my brain. People with dementia respond to music even when really shut down. They will even sing and dance when they hear their favorite music. Music nourishes us. 😌😍
The concept of inherent self worth was a counterintuitively foreign concept. It was muddled with the transactional sense of what I could offer or perform. Yup tons of inner work to disentangle it away from the work identity and roles we carry in our daily relationships and responsibilities.
It was a LOT …yes. But it’s CORE work …& I needed this. Raising my hand 🙋🏼♀️… When you talked about the cycle of being in a relationship with a narcissistic where my sincere of self was completely based on his approval. That relationship nearly killed me. Childhood trauma from a communal covert narcissist father was nearly unbearable. Only now at 62 am I able to rebuild. I’ve had to go no contact with my family. And that left me very unraveled. It’s been 4 years and I’m still struggling. Getting a trauma counselor has been a wish.. money for therapy, insurance not wanting to cover certain kinds of therapy that could help… frustrating. Thank you for your work and videos. They are tough to watch. They are REAL. AND I’m able to journal using the key points. Keep up the work. And to all those in this community… YOU HAVE VALUE!
I remember the Stuart Smalley Daily Affirmations sketches from SNL. Anyone remember Coffee Talk when they'd get verklempt, and teary eyed with emotions? "Talk amongst yourselves." 😂 Well, I got verklempt at 32:41 when Patrick told everyone watching "you're a good person." Definitely had similar moments in group therapy. Also, a weird, fun, unexpected moment for me was seeing security camera footage of me playing with my dog, where I didn't notice the camera was on. I gave my dog a treat and a hug, and out of nowhere I simultaneously thought, "I'm a good person," and "my family missed that fundamental, innate quality in me." I told my wife about that later, and went beyond verklempt and had a good cry over starting to see the good in myself, for the first time, at 41 years old.
This made me tear up. 😢❤ I'm happy for you realizing that you're a good person. It's really hard to feel good when you're own family constantly made you feel the opposite.
absolutely totally relate to having absolutely zero idea of what “no sense of self” even was or even was a thing!! i just mostly remember being numb; almost robotic; disassociated totally..
It is completely right to do that. That’s what this forum is for., to represent us as (children)when no one else did. This man has helped me immensely.
What if you can't remember a time before the abuse? I think I lost myself to the neglect and abuse some time before 5 years old. How do we find ourselves when we never were ourselves?
My mother died when I was 3 years 9 months old. But for whatever sense of self I have I think came from her. I was too young to have memories of her, but I feel I was loved. 2 stepmothers who married my dad and weren't thrilled by me.
@@maureenedwards2388 My father died when I was 4. I actually do have a lot of memories of him and as a little girl I thought he was such a good hearted person and I felt proud of him. Hands down he was the reason I survived the train wreck my mother made of our lives. The first 4 years of my life was full of love and affirmations. There’s a strong 4 yr old inside of me that’s still trying to fight for me because of him. 💪
11:55 Healthy vs unhealthy parenting / My narcissistic mother did EVERYTHING on the UNHEALTHY list. Thanks for this video. It’s going into my “toolbox” for reparenting and healing.
Definitely socializing in a group setting is the most difficult for me. I think maybe it has to do with feeling safe when I'm 1 on 1 with someone that I can trust and relax an be myself but as soon as there is someone there I feel dark energy from I totally shut down. I feel like I already know they will make some remark about my character or ridicule me for who I am
Thank you so much for this. I am a sufferer of cPTSD from childhood, involving lots of domestic violence between my father and mother, and uour description of yourself at 20 is exactly how I saw myself at the same age and have seen myself for many years afterwards. I am going to therapy now but the hardest question for me is exactly the one of my internal sense of self. To be honest, I struggle to even understand the concept, it feels so alien, but you have provided the clearest explanation I have heard so far.
This guy literally telling my whole life. I’m in therapy now and I was dumbfounded by how much I dealt with internally. I’m still trying to heal and let go - but it is tough.
My mother forced me into friendships with abusive kids. The excuse was that bullies were hurting. I was physically and intellectually tough so took on the codependent role. Now at 40 I have no friends.
I had a startling realization today about myself, specifically my empathy and emotionality. I have spent years I think wondering if Im just a really fake person when dealing with strangers, coworkers, dates, friends, and even my dog. Because I found that empathy and feeling often came up without me having to force it. Not always. But often enough But with my family, there is a lack of empathy in me. A downright coldness sometimes. And working up feeling for them feels like trying to start a fire the old-fasion way--no matches, constant exertion. For the longest time, I've believed that my coldness and lack of desire to connect with my immediate family was just my character. That cold me was the "real me." And that I needed to work to improve my character so that I could feel properly towards my family. But now, I'm starting to understand that my lack of feeling towards my family is actually a reaction to circumstances growing up,and ill-treatment by some. Now if I could just move past feeling guilty for not feeling what society says I should...
@rainingpouringsnoring, Maybe journaling will help you. I actually understand what you are saying to some degree, but I don’t have an answer for you. Maybe your journaling journey will take you to some concrete answers. 📓🪶 ☀️
Dearest Patrick, You are a great man !! I hope your llittle sweet heart Inner child is reading all of these comments! I am hoping that your beloved Inner Child is reading all of the deep and profound love and appreciation so many are expressing right here, right now for the amazing healing your work is creating on this planet of trauma survivors, We are celebrating you and all of the work you do!!! Patrick Teahan, you are deeply and profoundly loved
I have been watching you since I was a freshman in college and I got away from living at home. I am a completely different person now and I’m going into my senior year! I’m present, I’m assertive when I need to be, and I can see the humanity in people(a point you stress a lot and a point that has changed how I interact with people). Seriously thank you for these videos!!
WOW! I went through most of my life not even feeling like I was real..always invalidated ignored interrupted when I had the courage to try to talk to people. Thank you for making feel less weird lol😂 Still building upon my sense of worth and self love
My children are now grown, and I really wish I'd had this knowledge when they were growing up... Because I can see where I was an unhealthy parent for all their formative years. And that's not a good feeling.
Have you talked to them about it? It may be painful, it make feel like 'dredging up old feelings', but honestly... talking about what happened, about your experiences, their experiences, and where you all can heal and repair could be a powerful way to heal and become closer.
Many of us didn’t have a strong foundation o which to pass on. I’m grateful that we have the chance to make amends or a the very least help to have compassion for oneself. Amazing help is at our fingers to help future generations. Still need to find the right therapist that works best for us.
I watched this as on one of the darkest hardest nights of pain and suffering began to lift - so appreciative Patrick. The way you seem to pinpoint exactly what it is like through childhood trauma then give real, helpful usable guiding ways forward. Thank you so much Patrick. So very deeply glad of you
Man I loved this. This is really gonna help in this stage of my life. Years of struggling with personality, character and decision making. Break ups because I can’t balance a relationship with my goals. Or just express my needs because I lose who I am in the presence of a new person. Still more work to do, and I’m grateful for the tools. And the ability to use them.
Wow! I hear you! And maybe you just now helped me to get it, about what that is about, when I still walk into a new experiences like a lamb, lose myself.
@@sarihfahrner1765 and you know what’s crazy, I just went through a breakup last week where all this played out right in front of me. Because I couldn’t say, from the beginning, “I’m not looking for anything serious,” I potentially messed up what would have been a great friendship. The breakup itself wasn’t so bad, she heard me out and everything… But it gives a clear example of what Patrick asked at the end of the video, about varying approval states. I was skewing hot or cold, and flip flopping a lot, and she did call me out on it. Both of us having worked to recover from narcissistic abuse relationships.
I’m 27 and healing CPTSD. My biggest goal is healing my attachment wounds so I can have the boundaries to meet a healthy mate and create a healthy marriage and be a mother ❤ Would love to join the membership community
I live with an entitled narcissist. I'm 68 and on SS. I can't afford to live alone. Hate when people say, yes you can live on your own. So upset. So sad. Thank you for your videos.
I'm just getting started on this video. This is not the first of yours I've watched. And I have to make sure I'm ready to hear it. But then I'm reminded that it's so strangely freeing and bewildering to hear someone talk about my inner self hang ups freely and with an air of acceptance and normalcy. Your videos help me decide where my focus needs to go next, in the work on myself. Thank you. Stay regulated.
my dad is a hoarder and he values junk and literal garbage over mine and my siblings' belongings. He'd throw out or bury our stuff and this coupled with my mom making hobbies conditional really screwed us over. Thank you for this video and thank you for your work.
Growing up in Christian fundamentalism, the concept of sense of self is equated with ego and pride. Feelings = sinful, selfish impulses. My parents literally said that self esteem comes after "right behavior". Basically you should only feel good about yourself if you're not being sinful, you have no internal value just "as you are". In that, an internal sense of self is obliterated as children are literally taught that they are bad and sinful from birth and must white knuckle their way to goodness. I have my work cut out for me...
@Christine.Baraka, I feel for you. 🤍 I grew up Catholic and as a teenager felt like I had one foot on the gas and the other on the brakes. It was so damn confusing!
Because when you’re raised in that environment you’re told that happiness can only ever come from external validation from religious leaders and God, not yourself. To be internally validated and content is sinful and prideful.
I'm just 4 minutes in, but holy shit... I thought I was the only one going through this and felt like I was going crazy for so much of my early 20s. Even now in my mid 20s, I have yet to hear this type of information from any of the therapists/psychiatrists I have seen. Not to condemn mental health services at all, but knowledge IS power and for me it can provide so much clarity and peace, especially to know I am not alone in my hardships AND that there are ways to rebuild our sense of self. Thank you for sharing this video 🤍 May everyone watching this find healing, peace, self-love, and truth within ourselves. Love you all ❤
@yvettegarcia18, Take this info and RUN with it! It wasn’t around 50 years ago when I needed it and all of the adults in that era. I actually went to a counselor in a church and confided in this stranger (Big Risk) and instead of listening to my words dismissed me saying that I sounded like a complaining old woman! 😳
@@BarbaraM-lv7pe Thank you. I always think about exactly what you said, that this info wasn't readily available to the general public until relatively recently and it blows my mind. I am incredibly grateful for people who spread some kind of education or awareness of these issues. And I am so sorry you went through that.. I have also had my feelings/thoughts dismissed but mostly by my parents who gave me most of my trauma (calling me ungrateful or a bad daughter when I try to address any issues). But its nice to know there are people do care about this issues and that there are ways for us to grow and show love back to ourselves 🤍
Curious about this one, since I suffered an ego death around a year and a half ago, largely related to CPTSD. I really don't have a lot of shame, and I'm lucky I'm not disgusted, I'm just in a decent body trying to figure out what to do with myself. I feel like mosts of my interests faded a long time ago, and for someone without friends or family I just struggle to come around, coasting along aimlessly without much social interactions in which to find myself.
My mother told me when I was 5 that I was going to Hell. I am now 78 and have spent my life being a people pleaser, presumably to keep that from happening. Your videos have helped me tremendously in understanding my codependency and living a more authentic life. This involved two divorces-one from an overt narcissist, and the second from a covert narcissist. I am now forever single and enjoying my peaceful life!😊
I stood up when I was 8 she broke my arm that year I asked for food that summer for my younger siblings he unalived both my dogs cause we eat or they do ….. I am trying soooooooo hard to find out WHO I am I know I like her she’s pretty cool … I have learned so much from this video that I didn’t even know and I’ve done a couple decades of therapy off and on …it’s good to always touch base with our mental health and see if we can grow I will be growing the rest of my life and that’s exactly what I am supposed to be doing after my childhood… old brain patterns can make a huge comeback and impact in sneaky little ways 😢
I’m very grateful for you. There’s so much about this that I relate to my childhood. Trauma, trauma, trauma. My poor mom was SA’d by her older brother. Needless to say, her psyche was altered at a very young age. I’m 61 and still have awful and sad memories of my childhood 😢. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
I am just starting to understand and validate my feelings about my childhood. At the same time, it makes me aware of how I’ve failed my own children because I wasn’t conscious of what had happened to me. It’s a bit of a tangled ball of forgiveness and a bunch of other stuff I can’t even name. Thank you for what you do.
I'm 10 minutes through and feel like I owe you, Patrick, a huge thank you. I now have a solid sense of self partly because your videos gave me the strength to start my family cut-off process in 2021, just after leaving a particularly horrendous PhD experience that replicated my toxic family system. I have more work to do, but as I watch I can only rejoice in how far I've come. Just grateful you took the time to share your story and knowledge with us. You do good, generous work in this often fucked up world. Even then, I see and feel all the good, positivity, and hope that is out there. Hats off to you.💙
That brought up a lot of unfinished business from my long gone days in 12 step ACOA group therapy! I'm better now yet light years away from being healed or simply OK!!! At 87, perhaps there's still time to finally GROW UP!!!! 😮😂
Brilliant video, your videos always give me MAJOR aha! Moments! Like someone's just turned the lights on in my brain 🥹🤯 wow! You speak to things I have felt for years like how I am just fundamentally defective as a person or just a nobody with my deeply internalised self hater bullying me constantly 😢 I relate to having friendships and relationships with people who deep down I really disliked and would continue these despite them making me miserable, it's like my self worth and autonomy were just eclipsed or not even developed at all, people pleasing and not having a will = being seen as good = being accepted in the family = survival 😢❤ Thank you for your amazing work Patrick xx
Patrick is the most thorough and sensitive childhood trauma teacher i’ve heard. when i listen to his programmes even when not every single description applies, before long he says something that i recognise as a deep experience of mine and I feel so seen and known it’s like a hug you never knew. Thanks again for your work.
Aka: I have (had) a very high tolerance for inappropriate behavior 😅. Which came from being raised in the Fun House 😱. Love your work and style Patrick-life saving, very grateful.
Thank you! I am rebuilding my life after 2 decades of covert abuse. Tore me so far down but healing not just that but my childhood abandonment wounds has allowed me to bloom into the best version of Self I have become. It's possible when you trust yourself enough to find everything you are & then letting it all go. I am part of everything and will enjoy every bit of this beautiful life I have left!❤❤❤
“Seat at the table.” Never had that. Now can’t work due to being rear-ended. Will never have a seat at any table. So hard to overcome childhood emotional abuse when you are physically unable to do anything to help yourself.
OMG. Your intro... I have never heard my experience of self described so accurately and succinctly. I wish I could share this wish everyone and say... "This".
Thank you so much. I'm just 22 but have been struggling from childhood trauma since.. I don't even know. It seems there never was a good time. This is the most detailed video I've ever seen on the internet. Trauma work is a joke in india and people don't even realise they are abusive, there is no therapy or support even when there are primary caregivers that try to understand any part of it, the only choice is given to see a therapist (which doesn't even exist). Abuse changes almost everything about a person that struggle to even be seen. Thanks for posting these videos, they validate all of these feelings. Seriously thank you!
Thank you Patrick for giving me the language I needed to speak with my therapist about my own sense of self in a way that is lucid and representative of my goals.
I am about to turn 70. I’ve been trying to educate myself and heal from insane abuse and loss as a child for 30 years and still I AM NOT WHO I WANT TO BE! It’s not fair. I’ve worked hard. But I have also had people hone in on my flaws and gouge and pick at them until at them until they’re bloody like chickens do in the chicken yard if they can see flaws in other chickens. I’ve had relatives do this to me even when the problem they’re festering over is very much partly their responsibility. I’m so sad that I’ve had to wade through so much damage throughout life. No matter how hard I try I can never feel whole. I feel like the people who have criticized and punished me are trying to finish the job of destroying me that my stepfather started when I was six. I have found comfort in isolation bc of it. It is very lonely but it feels safer.
I’m right there with you. Alone. Families like ours are like sharks smelling blood in the water. And wounded, we attract every other shark for miles around.
@4estdweller4ever I isolate too. Being amongst people feels like I'm on a battlefield with nothing to shield me from their bullets. So I stay home with my dogs. And I'm quite content doing so. May you continue to find healing. ♥
@@pauladcarter64 ❤️🩹 I love my dog too. She’s a stinkpot sometimes but I can’t imagine surviving the last few years without her. If you love dogs I recommend my favorite UA-cam channel The Farm. Family in Australia that run a farm for dogs. They have about 20 of them at any given time. They do a lot of rescue and rehabilitation. Absolutely beautiful humans and the happiest dogs I’ve ever seen. Thank you for your kind comment 😊
I understand you , I felt this way mostly of the time But something that help me is understand you also have a bad part in yourself . And also you can use it when is necesarry . You need to stand up for yourself !!!! You also could be mean , bad and reply as nasty as someone . Dont try to be nice . We are humans w have duality . You also have this Use it. When is necesary , you dont need to be violent . You just dont accept crap of others. Solitude is okay but Isolation is not the answer for this world. We can do it !
Thank you Patrick! My AA program with the 12 steps has helped me because hearing other people's experiences that I can identify with has helped me feel less alone. It's helped me really look inside to see why I became the person I did who was so lost and empty. I'm 67 yrs old and finally learning how to develop a healthy sense of self. Not easy and I have had to work very hard at it! Childhood trauma is ingrained so deep! Being sober has allowed me to learn how to care for myself and has helped me to grow up emotionally, but I still struggle to fit in with others.... But it's getting better year after year.
Chapters:
0:00 Intro
5:30 Sense of Self
5:34 Sense of Self (Identity)
5:50 Sense of Self (Personality)
6:51 Sense of Self (Goodness)
9:38 Sense of Self (A Healthy Sense of Self)
11:55 Sense of Self (Undeveloped Sense of Self)
15:20 Recap (Unhealthy Parenting Messages About Self)
16:17 Please Subscribe!
16:39 How to Rebuild
16:53 How to Rebuild (What's Been Missing)
19:45 How to Rebuild (Feelings = Self)
25:57 How to Rebuild (What to Do?)
27:14 How to Rebuild (Social Practice)
29:51 Final Thoughts
34:18 Outro
thank you so much for this
@@patrickteahanofficial Thank you!
😊😊
I know I have to listen but it’s too painful. I’m 60😊
@@mebeasenseiYou can do it! I'm 67, suddenly facing divorce with an ASD1 guy who has declared he has no interest if figuring out why he needs to triggering my CPTSD via boundary violation, disrespect, and violating trust in multiple chronic ways like lying and gaslighting me, even though he has 22 years in ACA 12 Step, is in therapy (but apparently only to validate that I'm the problem). Plus I have panic disorder. I'm just DONE with people, my last years should be my OWN!
Wow, I used to think my ability to be a social chameleon WAS my personality.
Yes, & “I’m so flexible, I can fit just about anywhere”.
Saying “we really need to talk about this when we aren’t both so stressed,” then rarely making the concrete “when is a mutually agreeable time to plan this”.
I wonder if earlier years, was forgetting things an ADD/ADHD sense of self-protection?😮
Now, at 70, feeling regret that I allowed the negative behavior of spouse & my lack of knowing HOW to set, AND HOLD healthy boundaries around raising our son, without so many emotional explosions.
28:22 SMART Family & Friends, SMART Recovery.
The meetings focus on learning tools; focusing on our self care, recognizing our thoughts, etc. But some of the members of meetings connect up with each other and go deeper.
yeh, i used to think that was such a good thing. Now i can tolerate it if the version of me that doesn't change is perceived to be a little unusual/particular/passionate about some issue/whatever
Yeah it’s amazing how much of what I thought was just “natural” to me - anxiety, hypervigilance, depression, being a pushover, constantly triggered, being needy - were actually trauma responses.
I suppose it IS, in a way. It's definitely a skill appreciated by even perfectly normal people, too, it's just not always true to one's self. I am better at boundaries now, in those kind of situations, but there's no point with toxic people and I can't and usually won't do much for them anymore.
As a young adult I had zero sense of self - I chased relationships with people who clearly weren't interested or who were toxic, I loathed myself, and had no ability to process criticism or figure out who I was, who I wanted to be, and how to get there. Thankfully, I was very fortunate to have a friend in college who saw my emotional and social flailing and had a very direct conversation with me. Instead of asking my why I was doing what I was doing, or chastising me for my maladaptive behaviors, she said "I see you not telling the truth; I see you avoiding resolving issues, I see that you are miserable. I want you to know that you are a beautiful, intelligent, kind person, and you are worth so much more than that." She didn't tell me what to do, she didn't judge, she was simply brutally honest and totally loving. That conversation was literally life-changing, and while I still had a lot of work to do, it set me on the path to being a much healthier me. Thanks Jennifer - I love you.
thats true compassion
Beautiful❤
I love that for you ❤
Ur friend is an awesome person and u are too :)
@@pandahope3751 thanks, it takes one to know one. 🥰
The phrase "To be someone means to be a burden" really resonated with me. That's how I feel whenever my opinions, wants, or needs are in opposition with others. I have to really think through it to get myself to voice even a fairly inane disagreement. I have to tell myself "They are your friends. They won't be upset about going to the Mexican restaurant instead of the Italian. They said they were only leaning towards Italian, not that they don't want Mexican." It's exhausting and makes me feel like I'm being silly.
Totally understandable, given our inherited mental "programming" that used to say our feellings/opinions were stupid 🐴 and a burden to others 👎🏾🤮 ... Thank God we have Patrick 💯 and we have now our own selves, maybe for the first time in years ✨ ... We will undo the shi*ty "programming" and be happy as never before 💙🥰 .
This is literally my brain every day with social anxiety. I overthink things all the time. And it feels like stuff like this is so trivial (I tell myself: "I shouldn't have a problem with this, why can't I just be a normal person and do this simple thing?") but the anxiety you get thinking about everything that could go wrong is so real.
I 100% feel that.
I have had people directly tell me I was a burden when I was legitimately seeking help. It is taking a lot for me to be willing to admit to others again, when I need help. I know not everyone is like that but it is really difficult for me to know what is okay to ask, who, and what. When it was just me, I felt like it was okay to stumble along without. But I have a young kid now, I can't allow him to go through that.
Sometimes I have the solutions to everyone’s problems, but I don’t tell them because I don’t want to look like a know it all
Just starting this journey. Parents are dead and it’s safe to take a look at this. Still no self at age 70.
Really proud of you, Priscilla! It's never too late to heal. :)
🫂 Hugs. The day my dad died was a huge relief.
bless you! never Give Up!!
I would give you a hug if I could and tell you that I love you. I'm in the same boat as you, we will all walk this path together ❤️
@@priscillahill1953 I’m 60, you got this.
I just about lost my mind when you said "that lifted me out of a 15 year depression and I was only 20 at the time" 😳
SAME. I was clinically depressed in middle and high school, parents never noticed (which given that they caused it isn't a surprise). I was a worn out veteran by the time I got to college, and I never even realized it until I went to therapy in my thirties.
Dang i think i have that problem, maybe i should go to therapy
Same
@@rachelraimi19When my mom caught on to that, she definitely wanted me in therapy so that the therapist would tell me to get in line with the program. 🙄
@@cc1k435 that's truly evil, I'm so sorry.
My value was based on performance…that hit home 😢
My value was based on fulfilling my mother's ego ideal. She is not a perfect person, but she thinks I could be a messiah-like charming expert figure if only I wanted to. Being the only religious person in the family I have begun to learn from medieval Catholicism that social, temporal and material things are never really perfect. Only immaterial things are amenable to perfection. So doing my reasonable best and being open to learning more, without any pressure, is close enough.
I’m at my job’s bathroom stall crying watching/listening to this. I’ve been through so so much. I’m 34 and I no longer wish to carry all of this stuff inside of me anymore. Thank you for this video. ♥️
I feel you
Stand strong, Dear One. You can do it 💪
Hugs! I send all my internet stranger love to you, and God loves you too. Even if you don't care about that, you deserve love✌️ You are worth it!
This happened to me and I got the police called on me and removed from the business.
It was embarrassing and dehumanizing.
I’m male If you didn’t guess.
@@lindboknifeandtooli’m sorry, that’s fucked. men are allowed to cry.
My mother told me life gets harder as you get older 😢. I've found it's getting easier as I heal ❤
Same, my life gets so much more calm and relaxed the more I grow and change as a person. I have real friends for the first time at 25 and it's wonderful.
My mother used to tell us children "Better the devil you know than the one you don't". I would always wonder "Why be with a 'devil' in the first place?". She just chose bad partners repeatedly to feel superior and eventually get to play victim when things inevitably went sideways. Sad, horrible words of "wisdom".
wow what a statement. so powerful
Happy for you, it’s getting far worse for me. Maybe because therapy and medications don’t help, diving into the self only makes me self obsessed. I’m tired. So fucking tired
Thanks for sharing. Not too hopeful. I imagine if I become okay as a adult it’ll be the most exuberant happiness I can feel. I fantasize about crying tears of joy. Idk tho. Shit blows now. I’m valueless
Edit: don’t argue with me. I’m just bitching.
I almost just threw up thinking about all the times my alcoholic mom would tell me that her and her husband are going off on 1 or 2 family vacations yearly to "get away from me" I'd never talk like that to a 7 year old. Let alone parents talking like that to their child.
That’s so sad 😢 I’m sorry…you did not deserve that ❤❤❤
Phone hug to your little child self. & Let me tell you. You are beautifully & wonderfully made. We are made to heal.
😊Dream BIG❤
My father threatened to send us to boarding school and I wanted to go to get away from them, but I daren't say so because of the repercussions. I had read stories in books and comics about children at boarding school and it seemed a lovely life. As an adult I realised that it was an empty tbreat anyway because they would never have been able to afford it.
@@cathycalrow9111 I used to pray that they would send me to boarding school. I knew it would never happen, we were too poor.
Just be careful with groups--it's designed to be a safe place, but some of the most manipulative, toxic people I've ever met were in "support" groups.
OMG!!! Thank you!!! that is such a hugely important 'heads up' I am so deeply sorry that you had that experience, and I think I understand exactly what that is like. I know that experience so so well and yet I still walk into those situations like a trusting lamb every time, still to this day. Scary that I will be 78 years old soon, worry that I will still just be a very old baby lanb -- Thank you Diane for the great warning ! And so greatful to Patrick Teahan for helping us to find our ways back to the wholeness of our selves through his work .
Yup! Same here.
Yup! Same here!
@@ets5697
Whoa! Everything you said hit me hard!, hard hard!!!! I totally hate that happened to you, I am so so sorry. I get exactly your situation My own Terror comes forward full on!!!! Everything you said! That is a risk I don't think I can take, maybe ever. Thank you for saying exactly everything about your experience!!!! Again, I want you to know how so sorry I am that you had that experience. I totally get how damaging that was---fragile and how unsafe you felt. I know this from my own heart racing self. All of the things you do for yourself is so awsome, and how hard it has been. I lost my words for a long time and I am just beginning to get back to being able to articulate. So I am grateful that I am now able to put it all together to say OMG you are so powerful and you are so amazing!!! I am so impressed and stunned how much you have had to overcome to be here now and, I feel that you are thriving. I celebrate you!!!! And thank you again!!! I am so grateful for this information.....warding me off from being there again myself way too recently I know the alone and the fear...
I wish therapists were like Patrick. Most offer nothing. I feel like Im talking to myself
Precisely
I agree
They often seem like a friend you have to pay to listen to you
i know it’s very frustrating to find anyone that understands this stuff
and how does that make you feel?
My mother was feeling talkative one day when I was about 22 years old. She brought up a time when I was in the sixth grade, and I did some vandalism at school. Back then, I did not know why I did it, but now I see it was because I was frustrated about my homelife.
My mother said that at the time, my teachers told her that she should take me to a psychologist to find out why I did this. But she told them, "No, I could never do that to her," like it was a mother's job to protect her child from something as traumatic as having her head examined.
You see, back in the 1960's having a mental health problem was shameful. People whispered about you and turned their backs if you walked past them. If someone "had a nervous breakdown," they were smirked at behind their back for being "weak, cowardly, screwy in the head."
When my 22-year-old self heard that she declined help for me when I was 11, I was outraged. I said nothing out loud to her but in my mind, I ranted: "YOU didn't want anyone to find out YOUR secrets! The dysfunctions in our family would have been laid out for a mental health professional to evaluate. And YOU did not want that. That's why you kept me from getting help over ten years ago!"
I grieved over all of those unhappy teen years when I could have gotten some encouragement and maybe a different perspective on life, but I was denied it - unbeknownst to me. Then, I went to a counselor on my own soon after that.
We grieve together the lost years
Yep. Me too :/
It's ok Christine... grieve the lost years and then own your story just like Patrick Teahan has owned and worked with his. Stay safe...
I'm really sorry. I found out something similar from my mom: she suspected when my brother and I were young kids that we could have autism but never sought out help despite him clearly suffering and taking it out on me our whole lives. She said "I didn't want my kids to be labeled" but I heard "I didn't want my kids to be autistic." She's also told my years after the fact that she was really worried about me at certain points but she never did anything at the time to help. It's neglect.
@matthewpool6508 yeah, i get it. Sorry man. My mom still says I was " a difficult child."
Ironically she said my son acted just like I did, and laughed that I was getting it back.
He was much younger then, and he's 16 now. Diagnosed.
I don't even know if my mom understands that or has thought that deeply about it.
I saved myself.
This video is so relatable! When I was younger I had no sense of self (still working on this at 42).
I would like the music and activities of the person I was dating. If I brought up conflict I would feel guilty. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life career-wise. I was in denial that I was this type of person. Just lost… Definitely went through some healing later in my life and I'm currently in another stage of healing. Learning to be proud of who I am and not hide aspects of myself to fit in.
I just want to let people know, that are ripping the bandaid off and facing their wounds, I promise it gets better. ❤
Gosh, 100% correct about the DSM not recognising what is life and death for a child.
No sh*t! The DSM is always woafully behind the times. It prides itself on not jumping to any trendy conclusions. That sounds scarily a lot like the Papacy!🙀 One wouldn't want to beatify a saint too quickly for fear of copycat beatifications . 😅
What is DSM?
"It's not that you're a child, it's that you're a problem." My parents made it abundantly clear that they didn't like children. They grumbled and rolled their eyes if kids were nearby in restaurants or other public spaces. My friends weren't allowed to play at our house or in our yard. Toys were strictly limited to our rooms, never in the kitchen, yard or family room. Even now, my mother sounds appalled when my brother's kids are getting pregnant, like, who would want that?? I grew up never wanting to have children myself. It's only now, in my 60s, that I am realized how much I internalized that message. How could I not? I'm so sad and angry at what I was denied.
It's such a shame that older generations had children knowing they didn't want them but felt like they had to. So many people forgot bringing a baby into this world is also bringing a fulling functioning and feeling human :(
I think my mother likes accessories, which is what small kids kind of were for her. Kids with personal opinions and feelings were not wanted. I'd say she should have got a chihuahua in a little purse, but she also doesn't like animals. 😂😢
It makes me so angry to think of what childhood trauma robs us of and which noone can ever give back.
I was kind of in a similar situation. My dad was way older and my mom was in her 30’s and decided to get pregnant. She went through several rounds of IVF, sperm donors, had 8 miscarriages…until I came along. You would think after spending all of that money and putting in all of that work, you would be thrilled to have a kid and truly wanted it. But it seems the novelty wore off after the baby stage. It was often made clear to me that I was a burden and keeping my parents from living the life they wanted. It’s always sort of mystified me.
Edited to add that I would NEVER have or adopt a child unless I 100% knew I would be willing to care for one for the rest of my life, regardless of how old they or I am.
This sounds like generational trauma playing itself out. The only thing you can really do is try your best not to pass that on. It honestly sounds like they did not want you.
gah, didn't realize i had so much healing work still left to do until i listened to this video...
@sovereign_soul_starseed Aye. Just when I thought I was beginning to get better. We peel off another layer, and look, there is more stuff to process. I guess when we are finished it will be time to go....
Same 🥲
Me tooooo!
I just learned that I shouldn’t assume that a lack of confidence is necessarily coming from my childhood trauma, or even from within at all. Going forward, for the first question to ask myself when I lack confidence is who is new in my life, and are they displaying behavior that devalues me in some way, either overtly or covertly?
I’m too quick to assume that every problem I encounter in life is somehow my own fault, and THAT is one toxic narrative from my childhood.
Whoa. This is great. It's still hard to get rid of the narrative that it's all my fault and something is inherently wrong with me; but in ideal circumstances I'd be myself and everyone would celebrate me for it. It's not my fault for living in such a sick society.
There is a fine line between not enough ownership and too much guilt.
My current thinking is that
1) I am not the cause of most stuff happening around
2) i can improve the situations, but it is ok if i don't, because nobody can fix everything
3) I have to deal with consequences of situations even if i didn't cause them
4) everybody is making mistakes/doesn't have time to do everthing well and that is just how life is
5) the definition of "doing things well" is different for everybody.
In the end, just try to do your best and understand that everybody is not perfect and that it is ok.
@@jenHry-ng3pw I love that.
I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And, gosh darn it, people like me.
-Guy Smalley
It's Gary❤I was at his home in Washington state. It was a long time ago. My Dad took me to a seminar.💝🙏💝
I like me
The statement you gave "you are a good person" just unlocked something for me. After bawling, for the first time I could care less what my mother ( in a cult church), family, & especially deadbeat father toxic seperated abusive criminal husband of 18 plus years thinks of me. I am a good person. Its like a force field went up......Today Im not a slave to all of these self interested manipulators. You're a good man Patrick. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Youve totally made a difference. You mentioned once in a feed the question of what is it to be a man. You ARE a good man. No missing the mark there... Have a good day.
Yep. I realized at my ACA meeting the other night that I actually never enforce boundaries (like I thought) I just run. Cutting people off is not setting boundaries. Thats just avoiding confrontation/conflict, which is a lot easier than enforcing a boundary and then dealing with the aftermath
I completely identified with your comment about cutting people off/out from your life. I am going to my first ACA meeting in a couple of weeks. Been sober in AA for years now. Thought I had worked a lot on myself. But end of a marriage has resulted in an unravelling, therapy, and an awareness there is a whole new load of work to be done. As is always the case, I find it so helpful when I identify with someone else's experience.
it gives me a major comfort knowing what you have been through, and despite all that, what have you become
Thank you - it’s almost astounding to know that this stuff is finally known by (some) trained therapists in this age. As a child & teen I was known as a depressed, disgruntled, ungrateful liar. I still fight feelings that that’s still who I am. I was a lovely, kind and intelligent child but my mother despised and literally hated me, even as an infant.
I also had a mother who hated and resented me since I was an infant. She was a very sick woman. I didn’t shed a tear when she passed away last year.
I relate so much! My mother also literally hated me, since the day I was born. It's a terrible feeling to know that your own mother, the one who birthed you out of her own body, deeply despises you. It hurts, and colors your view of yourself.
You speak for me too ❤ and I always felt sorry for her. Only now I am embracing myself after getting a jolt through my multiple health issues...and unburdening myself of heaps of negativity...
I also can heavily relate to what you're saying. My mother always preferred my younger brother and greatly disliked me, no matter how thin I stretched my little self. I am absolutely convinced that all of us abandoned kids were actually the most adorable, worthy and loveable little human beings. It's only our incapable caregivers who made us think otherwise.
Same
I have all the signs of having childhood trauma without having had a super dysfunctional family life or having experienced abuse in the home. Therapists have always been somewhat dismissive when I bring this up like if I didn't have the Bad Things in my home I don't have trauma from childhood. The way you explain things has made me realize the abuse I received was in the church school I grew up in, and my parents were simply unable to see what was happening to me because of the insidious nature of religious abuse and the gaslighting we all received.
Well what are YOU GOING TO DO?
WOW I'll save this message and share with the Christians that STOLE MY SON!!!!
This is exactly I don't get online
I have spent my life hating myself for not being able to choose a college/career path whatsoever so I went for a semester and quit. Not having that has cost me a lifetime of only having the most crap jobs and now I live in poverty with no chance at 66 for otherwise. It's been embarrassing. But I recently understood that my parents beat any sense of me-ness out of me physically and emotionally. There was no way I could have made those choices. Still impoverished but now I'm not hating myself for it.
I too am in my 60s and was lost for many years. I have been fortunate to have found my way to something like a "calling" where my old wounds can be turned into strengths. Do not lose faith in your own heart and the unique gift it is yours to give the world.
"It is never too late to be what you might have been" -George Elliot (reportedly)
@@Benjamink-i8r great quote
virtual hug
Can relate.
(Not in the same situation) but not hating yourself anymore for certain choices you’ve made is a form of strength and liberation that I wish one day to have
About 30 minutes ago I wouldn't able to recognize the feelings you bring up as even being feelings. Finally seeing them as feelings rather than "negativities" was a big step.
I still can‘t take the „you are a good person“. My inner belief system (that I intellectually know developed to protect me during childhood) is too strong. But I found the bridge statement „It’s okay that I exist.“ that helps me to slowly soften the rigidity of that inner belief system.
I know that being social and belonging is what would be most healing and it is the hardest, triggering thing for me to manage. Doesn't help that I have a history with places of belonging that turned toxic and rejecting. It feels insurmountable.
So true!
Stop telling yourself it's insurmountable, you're worth so much to the world.
My tip? My realization was that I was going into UA-cam videos and getting confirmation/validation for my negative videos. Which repeats the cycle in my mind over and over. It feels good for a tiny bit, but I don't feel the emotions as I was scared of them and intellectualizing them wayyyyy to much. Once I started feeling them, and avoiding "feeling" others bad emotions or intaking bad validation, I've noticed a tiny improvement and some weight off my shoulders after literally years of this...
Promise it just feels that way because of the trauma or betrayal, or rejection you experienced at one point. You gotta feel those emotions. Sometimes you aren't ready, but there's no time like today, you'll survive!! You made it this far, get a therapist to help guide you, that's what they are for. But I just did some shadow work, journaling and light guiding with these channels.
It's been a nightmare of years of journaling to get those thoughts out, getting confirmation from others this is the issue, seeing it in my journal a few weeks to years after that I'm still in the same spot to really realize how severe the negative self talk is to push me to act NOW and just FEEEEEEEL.
ANOTHER GOOOD PIECE OF ADVICE?
Don't tell yourself anything but it's possible. Cut out bad influences.. if it's music, tv shows, whatever is allowing "bad" thoughts in. It's crazy how liable the brain is to this stuff.
The points you mentioned are so spot on I feel like you spoke directly to me. I keep coming back to this video to understand the concepts better. Thank you so much.
That feeling, looking out the window and watching her drive off to drink either in a bar or a friends; while dad raged and raged. And we were just left there with him. What a problem I must be, I had thought, that I don’t even get to come too.
😊 Hugs and kindness sent to you virtually. Take care, Dear One 🎉
I used to sit at the window, sometimes for hours, waiting for my mom to return home from the bar. To make sure she wasn’t dead. As soon as she pulled in I would run to my room and pretend to be asleep because she was terrifying when she was drunk, even when she was in a good mood.
Hi Patrick, I usually don't comment (I prefer to stay hidden due to the exact social fears and inhibitions you mention in your video) - but I somehow felt the need to change that today. I've been following for a long time and I've learned a lot about myself and my cPTSD healing journey from you. THANK YOU so much for the important work you do and the content you put out for us all! It's always on point and so incredibly rich in information. My inner child and I thank you and wish you all the best things!
I’m in tears “I’m a good person” I really sometimes don’t hear that from the people I value in my life. I struggle as a mom, my mother was so harsh. I don’t think she ever called me beautiful. I feel so lost when raising my teenagers. I don’t want to be like mom. Yet I seeing I myself struggling with issues as a mom with my kids that affected my relationship with my mother. It’s so awful when I haven’t worked through these issues by myself to see myself. I was also raised in a cult and that community makes you one, in unity with thought and action. I feel nothing, I say nothing, I hear nothing focus is only on the unity of the group. I lost myself. Now I’m a mom with kids struggling to be themselves unique and I don’t know how to process uniqueness when never had it or know how to find it.
Thank you for being kind. I need help. This is a safe place for me.
I appreciate you.
Well I'm looking at u, u r absolutely beautiful. Use ur moms negativity and output positivity.
I hear you. Sometimes my teenage daughter would yell at me, so angry and I would panic. Once I stopped her and said, “OK, you hate me, fine. But you know that I love you no matter what, yeah?” She rolled her eyes and said, “Duh!” and then started her ranting again.
I left home at 16 believing I was not only unlovable but the worst b*tch in the world. I wanted my daughter to be able to scream and yell if she wanted to, without fear of losing my love. Sometimes she would complain that I wasn’t engaging enough with her reality- not being there enough for her, emotionally. I told her that I was doing my best but that I had holes and gaps and could not give her what I was missing inside.
The thing is, we talked openly and I worked hard at not taking her outbursts personally. I was so happy that she was confident enough to be angry at me - something I did not dare to do as a kid.
She is now doing her PhD in social psychology. I have broken the chain of Spock-damaged parenting.
The fact that you are aware is everything. Your honesty will mean so much to your kids. You get to be the Mother you always wish you had had. Sending you love and strength. You are not alone. ❤
I have rebuilt my sense of self to a point. Currently I'm noticing a lack of dreams and goals. My IC was so invested in performing and achieving for others approval, the idea of a personal dream is just a blank. I guess this is the next focus!
yes!!! I understand that so much
I can really understand how hearing "you are a good person" in that context at such an early age would be pivotal. I was in my fifties before I uncovered these core beliefs ("I am not good" and "I am not real"). It's shocking at such a mature age and having spent most of my adult life doing "work" on myself to uncover two such devastating assumptions. You can't fix what you can't see, though, so ultimately, I benefited from the insight.
I resonate with "I'm not real"
@@GodTurnItAround it's a good thing to become aware of. Once we bring these into the light we can start to see that they never had substance. We are real, we have always been real. We are as real as anyone or anything else.
God, I hate the social aspect of my healing journey soo much! I'm making good progress with the help of my therapist and on my own and I know I need to take the next step and include other people in life, but God, I do not want to. Every person just seems to rub me the wrong way. I immediately lose my footing and go up into my head as soon as another person enters the room. My friendly and kind demeanour towards everyone is a fasade. I want friends and connections, but I don't want them to know me. I don't want to give away even a tiny little bit of myself out of fear of what they might do with that piece of information. I don't want to talk to neighbours, I don't want to make small talk; I'm not interested in the lives of my co-workers. They all think I'm super outgoing and nice and noone but my boyfriend and my therapist know how exhausted I am because of it. I know the cause. I know what I need to do to heal. But I just want to disappear onto a remote island without anybody around. I feel like that, maybe, if I sit by the shore of a lake for the next eighty years and just breathe, maybe then I will be okay again.
I hear you!!! I truly hate that aspect ! Disappear is the word that says it all! As for myself, I always wear a lot of black because I hope it to make me invisable I hope It ito be my protective armor!!! And yes, to just breathe, maybe be okay, maybe be safe somehow. I am wishing for peace. And for you I am wishing you peace and protection, comfort, happiness
same
Shame has something to do with it perhaps.
wow, its like smn wrote a summary of my state as of now.
i feel the same way, i dont want anyone to know me, i dont want to put myself out there, i dont want my nice persona to take over, and my real self to remain with zero connection to the other person
i feel so defeated and exhausted
@@tirone7520 I hope for you to know that you are not alone. And as someone who deeply knows this feeling of exhaustion and defeat, and when someone else can articulate this experience which otherwise feels so deeply personal and individual, it can be as if some one came to bring you a bright warm light. This community of Patrick Teahan followers Is the first experience of connection I've felt, maybe ever! And I sincerely hope this brings you the comfort as it has me.
I dunno how you manage to fit so much deep content in such a concise video. Wow! Thanks for helping the collective on the journey to wellness. ☮💟
Patrick's ability to be concise and put complicated, nuanced ideas in such understandable and relatable ways is absolutely amazing!
Hi. To me , not knowing who I was/am can be summed up in the movie Runaway Bride.
" You don't even know what kind of eggs you like." Ouch.
I didn't know what food i liked, what clothes or colours i wanted to wear. How to make friends. Or even what i wanted to "do" for a job. I'm 64 soon, and i still haven't figured out what i want to be when i grow up.
I have studied, i work , i teach literacy, my children are grown, and they're mostly ok. Two of them are ND, and i gave them as much support as i could. Now i feel like an empty shell. I'd like to go away for a few months and live by the sea, take walks daily, and take time for myself to heal. But that is so not possible. Instead, i shall watch these wonderful talks from Mr Teahan. And listen to meditations, do tapping and take a walk at the nearest beach. Journal, pray, and paint. And try to be patient with myself.
Self patience is key to overcoming xxx
Didnt have a sense of self before I burnt myself out and was in my rock bottom. Having emotional neglect from childhood i dissociated any intense emotion even happiness and keep people at arms length. Slowly starting to feel myself again after so many years but still have to deal with the process of reparenting my inner child to give her a fulfilling life
Holy shit Patrick, this is no doubt your best video so far. It's a remarkable summary of the pain of growing up in a childhood trauma environment, and it deserves to be broadcast everywhere. Bravo!
Many thanks Patrick. Again your information is so inspiring to me. Many years of self-help, books, videos and meditation, I once again I am whole. My self trust is back, my triggers although not fully extinguished are minimal. I can move away from toxic and dysfunctional friendships. I'm again being my real-self and can mainly see genuine friendships worth investing in and also those who are manipulative and destructive. My relationship with my husband, who was mentally abused and manipulated by his parents (mainly mother) growing up, is coming to terms with this, after a few years of coping with her Alzheimers and a decision to put her into care. Although stressful and at times, nearly fragmenting our relationship, he learnt about her basic personality. By seeing her real self he fought to maintain his own self, this I'm glad to say with my support has made our relationship stronger and real again. Thanks again for your invaluable advice.
3:17 I started playing the violin at age 9. I actually wanted to play the piano that we had in our dining room at home but it needed repair work and every time I begged my parents to fix it they’d blow me off. For me though I think music was more of an escape from reality. When I was on stage performing I’d look into the black void of the auditorium and pretend no one else was there as I played. I’d perform in choirs and in theatre too and when I was on stage sometimes I’d even lose time. I guess for me it was more about dissociation than identity.
@@Inug4mi I am a singer and the act of breath control and lyrics I love are one thing that helps center me. It lowers my stress levels and reduces negative chatter in my brain. People with dementia respond to music even when really shut down. They will even sing and dance when they hear their favorite music. Music nourishes us. 😌😍
Making music was my one safe place.
I play violin and piano, music was/is my safe haven too. Hope you’re learning the piano now, if you still want to.
I sing when I need to dissociate.
for me sports was a way that i can fully express myself without restraints in a controlled environment while also being supported by teammates
The concept of inherent self worth was a counterintuitively foreign concept. It was muddled with the transactional sense of what I could offer or perform. Yup tons of inner work to disentangle it away from the work identity and roles we carry in our daily relationships and responsibilities.
Thanks capitalism!
It was a LOT …yes. But it’s CORE work …& I needed this.
Raising my hand 🙋🏼♀️… When you talked about the cycle of being in a relationship with a narcissistic where my sincere of self was completely based on his approval. That relationship nearly killed me.
Childhood trauma from a communal covert narcissist father was nearly unbearable. Only now at 62 am I able to rebuild.
I’ve had to go no contact with my family. And that left me very unraveled. It’s been 4 years and I’m still struggling.
Getting a trauma counselor has been a wish.. money for therapy, insurance not wanting to cover certain kinds of therapy that could help… frustrating.
Thank you for your work and videos. They are tough to watch. They are REAL.
AND I’m able to journal using the key points. Keep up the work.
And to all those in this community… YOU HAVE VALUE!
You are a beautiful person ❤
I remember the Stuart Smalley Daily Affirmations sketches from SNL. Anyone remember Coffee Talk when they'd get verklempt, and teary eyed with emotions? "Talk amongst yourselves." 😂 Well, I got verklempt at 32:41 when Patrick told everyone watching "you're a good person." Definitely had similar moments in group therapy. Also, a weird, fun, unexpected moment for me was seeing security camera footage of me playing with my dog, where I didn't notice the camera was on. I gave my dog a treat and a hug, and out of nowhere I simultaneously thought, "I'm a good person," and "my family missed that fundamental, innate quality in me." I told my wife about that later, and went beyond verklempt and had a good cry over starting to see the good in myself, for the first time, at 41 years old.
That is so beautiful. Those moments of clarity where you see yourself without the filter of trauma is incredibly healing ❤
@@karagalacticthank you! T'was so healing, and from an unexpected, random source.
This made me tear up. 😢❤ I'm happy for you realizing that you're a good person. It's really hard to feel good when you're own family constantly made you feel the opposite.
Now I'm crying :)
@@infopubsand me too!
absolutely totally relate to having absolutely zero idea of what “no sense of self” even was or even was a thing!! i just mostly remember being numb; almost robotic; disassociated totally..
It is completely right to do that. That’s what this forum is for., to represent us as (children)when no one else did.
This man has helped me immensely.
What if you can't remember a time before the abuse? I think I lost myself to the neglect and abuse some time before 5 years old. How do we find ourselves when we never were ourselves?
I would like to know this, too... Because, yeah.
I'm there with you, Kara.
I lost myself at 2 years old.
@@karacutchen6474 We can do it through our bodies. Peter Levine, Alexander Lowen, Gestalt - those are keywords.
I concur
You are a treasure, Patrick 💛
My mother died when I was 3 years 9 months old. But for whatever sense of self I have I think came from her. I was too young to have memories of her, but I feel I was loved. 2 stepmothers who married my dad and weren't thrilled by me.
❤
@@maureenedwards2388 My father died when I was 4. I actually do have a lot of memories of him and as a little girl I thought he was such a good hearted person and I felt proud of him. Hands down he was the reason I survived the train wreck my mother made of our lives. The first 4 years of my life was full of love and affirmations. There’s a strong 4 yr old inside of me that’s still trying to fight for me because of him. 💪
11:55 Healthy vs unhealthy parenting / My narcissistic mother did EVERYTHING on the UNHEALTHY list. Thanks for this video. It’s going into my “toolbox” for reparenting and healing.
Definitely socializing in a group setting is the most difficult for me. I think maybe it has to do with feeling safe when I'm 1 on 1 with someone that I can trust and relax an be myself but as soon as there is someone there I feel dark energy from I totally shut down. I feel like I already know they will make some remark about my character or ridicule me for who I am
Thank you so much for this. I am a sufferer of cPTSD from childhood, involving lots of domestic violence between my father and mother, and uour description of yourself at 20 is exactly how I saw myself at the same age and have seen myself for many years afterwards. I am going to therapy now but the hardest question for me is exactly the one of my internal sense of self. To be honest, I struggle to even understand the concept, it feels so alien, but you have provided the clearest explanation I have heard so far.
This guy literally telling my whole life. I’m in therapy now and I was dumbfounded by how much I dealt with internally. I’m still trying to heal and let go - but it is tough.
My mother forced me into friendships with abusive kids. The excuse was that bullies were hurting. I was physically and intellectually tough so took on the codependent role.
Now at 40 I have no friends.
There is no way you can’t have latent anger. I’ve got it. So many things I can’t remember but goddamn, I remember all the insults.
@@MrLuigiFercotti That does explain some things. In middle school classmates said I was "the calmest kid in the school."
I had a startling realization today about myself, specifically my empathy and emotionality.
I have spent years I think wondering if Im just a really fake person when dealing with strangers, coworkers, dates, friends, and even my dog. Because I found that empathy and feeling often came up without me having to force it. Not always. But often enough
But with my family, there is a lack of empathy in me. A downright coldness sometimes. And working up feeling for them feels like trying to start a fire the old-fasion way--no matches, constant exertion.
For the longest time, I've believed that my coldness and lack of desire to connect with my immediate family was just my character. That cold me was the "real me." And that I needed to work to improve my character so that I could feel properly towards my family.
But now, I'm starting to understand that my lack of feeling towards my family is actually a reaction to circumstances growing up,and ill-treatment by some.
Now if I could just move past feeling guilty for not feeling what society says I should...
@rainingpouringsnoring, Maybe journaling will help you. I actually understand what you are saying to some degree, but I don’t have an answer for you. Maybe your journaling journey will take you to some concrete answers. 📓🪶 ☀️
Dearest Patrick, You are a great man !! I hope your llittle sweet heart Inner child is reading all of these comments! I am hoping that your beloved Inner Child is reading all of the deep and profound love and appreciation so many are expressing right here, right now for the amazing healing your work is creating on this planet of trauma survivors, We are celebrating you and all of the work you do!!! Patrick Teahan, you are deeply and profoundly loved
I have been watching you since I was a freshman in college and I got away from living at home. I am a completely different person now and I’m going into my senior year! I’m present, I’m assertive when I need to be, and I can see the humanity in people(a point you stress a lot and a point that has changed how I interact with people). Seriously thank you for these videos!!
WOW! I went through most of my life not even feeling like I was real..always invalidated ignored interrupted when I had the courage to try to talk to people. Thank you for making feel less weird lol😂 Still building upon my sense of worth and self love
My children are now grown, and I really wish I'd had this knowledge when they were growing up... Because I can see where I was an unhealthy parent for all their formative years. And that's not a good feeling.
Have you talked to them about it? It may be painful, it make feel like 'dredging up old feelings', but honestly... talking about what happened, about your experiences, their experiences, and where you all can heal and repair could be a powerful way to heal and become closer.
You should tell them you feel that way
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a parent actually admit that. I wish you luck on your continued healing for both yourself and your children.
Also give yourself grace and loving compassion for what u didn't know in order to do better.Do meditations on yt ❤
Many of us didn’t have a strong foundation o which to pass on. I’m grateful that we have the chance to make amends or a the very least help to have compassion for oneself.
Amazing help is at our fingers to help future generations. Still need to find the right therapist that works best for us.
I watched this as on one of the darkest hardest nights of pain and suffering began to lift - so appreciative Patrick. The way you seem to pinpoint exactly what it is like through childhood trauma then give real, helpful usable guiding ways forward. Thank you so much Patrick. So very deeply glad of you
Man I loved this. This is really gonna help in this stage of my life. Years of struggling with personality, character and decision making. Break ups because I can’t balance a relationship with my goals. Or just express my needs because I lose who I am in the presence of a new person. Still more work to do, and I’m grateful for the tools. And the ability to use them.
Wow! I hear you! And maybe you just now helped me to get it, about what that is about, when I still walk into a new experiences like a lamb, lose myself.
@@sarihfahrner1765 and you know what’s crazy, I just went through a breakup last week where all this played out right in front of me. Because I couldn’t say, from the beginning, “I’m not looking for anything serious,” I potentially messed up what would have been a great friendship. The breakup itself wasn’t so bad, she heard me out and everything… But it gives a clear example of what Patrick asked at the end of the video, about varying approval states. I was skewing hot or cold, and flip flopping a lot, and she did call me out on it. Both of us having worked to recover from narcissistic abuse relationships.
At age 54 I’m in therapy to heal my inner child. I feel robbed not only of a great childhood but from a normal happy life
I’m 27 and healing CPTSD. My biggest goal is healing my attachment wounds so I can have the boundaries to meet a healthy mate and create a healthy marriage and be a mother ❤ Would love to join the membership community
did you email us to join the raffle? admin(At)patrickteahantherapy.com
@@patrickteahanofficial Would love to join the raffle, but not seeing how to enter on your website.
I live with an entitled narcissist. I'm 68 and on SS. I can't afford to live alone. Hate when people say, yes you can live on your own. So upset. So sad. Thank you for your videos.
You can though. Limits are mental, not real unless you are a hostage.
Omg hit home with not asking questions and mainly just being so obsessed of offending someone, rocking the boat, because then there's rage.
That one hit home for me too !
I'm just getting started on this video. This is not the first of yours I've watched. And I have to make sure I'm ready to hear it. But then I'm reminded that it's so strangely freeing and bewildering to hear someone talk about my inner self hang ups freely and with an air of acceptance and normalcy. Your videos help me decide where my focus needs to go next, in the work on myself. Thank you. Stay regulated.
my dad is a hoarder and he values junk and literal garbage over mine and my siblings' belongings. He'd throw out or bury our stuff and this coupled with my mom making hobbies conditional really screwed us over. Thank you for this video and thank you for your work.
This is what I need, THANK YOU Patrick!!! 🙌🙏
Your videos are incredibly helpful. I'm 58 and still trying to get a sense of self.
Looking forward to this.
Growing up in Christian fundamentalism, the concept of sense of self is equated with ego and pride. Feelings = sinful, selfish impulses. My parents literally said that self esteem comes after "right behavior". Basically you should only feel good about yourself if you're not being sinful, you have no internal value just "as you are". In that, an internal sense of self is obliterated as children are literally taught that they are bad and sinful from birth and must white knuckle their way to goodness. I have my work cut out for me...
@Christine.Baraka, I feel for you. 🤍 I grew up Catholic and as a teenager felt like I had one foot on the gas and the other on the brakes. It was so damn confusing!
Because when you’re raised in that environment you’re told that happiness can only ever come from external validation from religious leaders and God, not yourself. To be internally validated and content is sinful and prideful.
Same here.
@@ImortalZeus13except God's love lives within everyone and doesn't require their dogma.😊 Checkmate, church
@@runswithraptors, you think unconditional self-affirmation is a good idea in every person's case?
THANK YOU! I watched your video this morning and my entire day has run differently. My needs, thoughts, and suggestions matter. I matter.
I'm just 4 minutes in, but holy shit... I thought I was the only one going through this and felt like I was going crazy for so much of my early 20s. Even now in my mid 20s, I have yet to hear this type of information from any of the therapists/psychiatrists I have seen. Not to condemn mental health services at all, but knowledge IS power and for me it can provide so much clarity and peace, especially to know I am not alone in my hardships AND that there are ways to rebuild our sense of self. Thank you for sharing this video 🤍
May everyone watching this find healing, peace, self-love, and truth within ourselves. Love you all ❤
@yvettegarcia18, Take this info and RUN with it! It wasn’t around 50 years ago when I needed it and all of the adults in that era. I actually went to a counselor in a church and confided in this stranger (Big Risk) and instead of listening to my words dismissed me saying that I sounded like a complaining old woman! 😳
@@BarbaraM-lv7pe Thank you. I always think about exactly what you said, that this info wasn't readily available to the general public until relatively recently and it blows my mind. I am incredibly grateful for people who spread some kind of education or awareness of these issues. And I am so sorry you went through that.. I have also had my feelings/thoughts dismissed but mostly by my parents who gave me most of my trauma (calling me ungrateful or a bad daughter when I try to address any issues). But its nice to know there are people do care about this issues and that there are ways for us to grow and show love back to ourselves 🤍
35 mins long video and not a single sentence was wasted. Thank you
The information on healing from and repairing the harms of childhood CPTSD is life changing. Thank you!
Cptsd?
@@rebeccahayes707 Complex post-traumatic stress disorder anchored in a dysfunctional abusive childhood environment.
You're a good man Patrick!
Curious about this one, since I suffered an ego death around a year and a half ago, largely related to CPTSD. I really don't have a lot of shame, and I'm lucky I'm not disgusted, I'm just in a decent body trying to figure out what to do with myself. I feel like mosts of my interests faded a long time ago, and for someone without friends or family I just struggle to come around, coasting along aimlessly without much social interactions in which to find myself.
My mother told me when I was 5 that I was going to Hell. I am now 78 and have spent my life being a people pleaser, presumably to keep that from happening. Your videos have helped me tremendously in understanding my codependency and living a more authentic life. This involved two divorces-one from an overt narcissist, and the second from a covert narcissist. I am now forever single and enjoying my peaceful life!😊
I stood up when I was 8 she broke my arm that year I asked for food that summer for my younger siblings he unalived both my dogs cause we eat or they do ….. I am trying soooooooo hard to find out WHO I am I know I like her she’s pretty cool …
I have learned so much from this video that I didn’t even know and I’ve done a couple decades of therapy off and on …it’s good to always touch base with our mental health and see if we can grow I will be growing the rest of my life and that’s exactly what I am supposed to be doing after my childhood… old brain patterns can make a huge comeback and impact in sneaky little ways 😢
I’m very grateful for you. There’s so much about this that I relate to my childhood. Trauma, trauma, trauma. My poor mom was SA’d by her older brother. Needless to say, her psyche was altered at a very young age. I’m 61 and still have awful and sad memories of my childhood 😢. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
The life and death part is mind-blowing - yes, it is a big trauma believing one is unlovable from a young age.
I am just starting to understand and validate my feelings about my childhood. At the same time, it makes me aware of how I’ve failed my own children because I wasn’t conscious of what had happened to me. It’s a bit of a tangled ball of forgiveness and a bunch of other stuff I can’t even name. Thank you for what you do.
I'm 10 minutes through and feel like I owe you, Patrick, a huge thank you. I now have a solid sense of self partly because your videos gave me the strength to start my family cut-off process in 2021, just after leaving a particularly horrendous PhD experience that replicated my toxic family system. I have more work to do, but as I watch I can only rejoice in how far I've come. Just grateful you took the time to share your story and knowledge with us. You do good, generous work in this often fucked up world. Even then, I see and feel all the good, positivity, and hope that is out there. Hats off to you.💙
Patrick I hope you are doing well. Your videos are a big part of my toolbelt and I can’t thank you enough for creating this safe space❤
That brought up a lot of unfinished business from my long gone days in 12 step ACOA group therapy! I'm better now yet light years away from being healed or simply OK!!! At
87, perhaps there's still time to finally GROW UP!!!! 😮😂
Brilliant video, your videos always give me MAJOR aha! Moments! Like someone's just turned the lights on in my brain 🥹🤯 wow! You speak to things I have felt for years like how I am just fundamentally defective as a person or just a nobody with my deeply internalised self hater bullying me constantly 😢
I relate to having friendships and relationships with people who deep down I really disliked and would continue these despite them making me miserable, it's like my self worth and autonomy were just eclipsed or not even developed at all, people pleasing and not having a will = being seen as good = being accepted in the family = survival 😢❤ Thank you for your amazing work Patrick xx
This is one of the most powerful videos I've ever seen.
Patrick is the most thorough and sensitive childhood trauma teacher i’ve heard. when i listen to his programmes even when not every single description applies, before long he says something that i recognise as a deep experience of mine and I feel so seen and known it’s like a hug you never knew. Thanks again for your work.
Aka: I have (had) a very high tolerance for inappropriate behavior 😅. Which came from being raised in the Fun House 😱. Love your work and style Patrick-life saving, very grateful.
Thank you! I am rebuilding my life after 2 decades of covert abuse. Tore me so far down but healing not just that but my childhood abandonment wounds has allowed me to bloom into the best version of Self I have become. It's possible when you trust yourself enough to find everything you are & then letting it all go. I am part of everything and will enjoy every bit of this beautiful life I have left!❤❤❤
This is INVALUABLE.
Patrick is INVALUABLE.
Thank you.
Youre doing Gods work with this. From the first second to the last this video is literally about me. Hits harrrrrrd
Thank you so much, just thank you
Same!
“Seat at the table.” Never had that. Now can’t work due to being rear-ended. Will never have a seat at any table. So hard to overcome childhood emotional abuse when you are physically unable to do anything to help yourself.
@@sarahlongstaff5101 I’m so sorry 😢
Then you create your own table.
@@kezzokav5905 Yes! Do that!!! create your own table!!! I love that so much!!!!
you are still deserving of a seat despite your physical limitations :)
Real love comes from within ♥️💪
OMG. Your intro... I have never heard my experience of self described so accurately and succinctly. I wish I could share this wish everyone and say... "This".
Thank you so much. I'm just 22 but have been struggling from childhood trauma since.. I don't even know. It seems there never was a good time. This is the most detailed video I've ever seen on the internet. Trauma work is a joke in india and people don't even realise they are abusive, there is no therapy or support even when there are primary caregivers that try to understand any part of it, the only choice is given to see a therapist (which doesn't even exist). Abuse changes almost everything about a person that struggle to even be seen. Thanks for posting these videos, they validate all of these feelings. Seriously thank you!
Journaling about what's been missing and it really explains a lot of what I've been struggling to rework in myself. Really eye-opening so far.
Thank you Patrick for giving me the language I needed to speak with my therapist about my own sense of self in a way that is lucid and representative of my goals.
Yes please... I feel so lost
I am about to turn 70. I’ve been trying to educate myself and heal from insane abuse and loss as a child for 30 years and still I AM NOT WHO I WANT TO BE! It’s not fair. I’ve worked hard. But I have also had people hone in on my flaws and gouge and pick at them until at them until they’re bloody like chickens do in the chicken yard if they can see flaws in other chickens. I’ve had relatives do this to me even when the problem they’re festering over is very much partly their responsibility. I’m so sad that I’ve had to wade through so much damage throughout life. No matter how hard I try I can never feel whole. I feel like the people who have criticized and punished me are trying to finish the job of destroying me that my stepfather started when I was six. I have found comfort in isolation bc of it. It is very lonely but it feels safer.
I’m right there with you. Alone. Families like ours are like sharks smelling blood in the water. And wounded, we attract every other shark for miles around.
@4estdweller4ever I isolate too. Being amongst people feels like I'm on a battlefield with nothing to shield me from their bullets. So I stay home with my dogs. And I'm quite content doing so.
May you continue to find healing. ♥
@@sarahlongstaff5101 🙏💙
@@pauladcarter64 ❤️🩹 I love my dog too. She’s a stinkpot sometimes but I can’t imagine surviving the last few years without her. If you love dogs I recommend my favorite UA-cam channel The Farm. Family in Australia that run a farm for dogs. They have about 20 of them at any given time. They do a lot of rescue and rehabilitation. Absolutely beautiful humans and the happiest dogs I’ve ever seen. Thank you for your kind comment 😊
I understand you , I felt this way mostly of the time
But something that help me is understand you also have a bad part in yourself . And also you can use it when is necesarry .
You need to stand up for yourself !!!!
You also could be mean , bad and reply as nasty as someone .
Dont try to be nice . We are humans w have duality . You also have this Use it. When is necesary , you dont need to be violent . You just dont accept crap of others.
Solitude is okay but Isolation is not the answer for this world.
We can do it !
Still working on a sense of self after years of therapy age 52. Have related to all your descriptions of no s of s
Thank you Patrick! My AA program with the 12 steps has helped me because hearing other people's experiences that I can identify with has helped me feel less alone. It's helped me really look inside to see why I became the person I did who was so lost and empty. I'm 67 yrs old and finally learning how to develop a healthy sense of self. Not easy and I have had to work very hard at it! Childhood trauma is ingrained so deep! Being sober has allowed me to learn how to care for myself and has helped me to grow up emotionally, but I still struggle to fit in with others.... But it's getting better year after year.