8 Signs You're Stuck In Narcissistic Trauma Bonds
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- Опубліковано 31 тра 2024
- When you've had long term exposure to narcissists, undesirable habits can develop, and they can emerge in other relationships. Dr. Les Carter explains how this is due to trauma bonds that developed over time. As you can identify those habits, you can become objective about them and eventually break free from the bonds.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his UA-cam channel, his videos have received more than 100 million views.
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What comes to my mind instantly is: over-explaining, defending, walking on eggshells to avoid conflict, feeling guilty for being happy or doing anything for yourself, ...
Yup
🎯
100% yep!
💯
You nailed it. Exactly!
1. Isolation
2. Doubting yourself
3. Defending the abuser
4. Intense emotions
5. Living on false promises
6. Ongoing battles
7. Ongoing cycle of chaos
8. Cognitive Dissonance
1. You get more and more isolated because this is the abuser's tactic to gain more and more control over you. You might have lost other relationships for the abuser wants above all to destroy your inner circle friends/family so that you fuse more and more with the abuser.
2. You are constantly doubting yourself and your perception of the world. Your inner voice has gone and instead you hear the voice of the abuser in your head. You have lost yourself.
3. Although the abuser constantly manipulates you, you feel an obligation to defend the abuser which you might see as a high loyality. As a result you yourself might get secretive.
4. You will feel intense emotions for the abuser first mirrors you masterly through the love bombing (hot) and through the devaluation (cold). The abuser knows exactly your vulnerabilities and where to press your trigger buttons of your own unhealed wounds. Through your emotions the abuser will regulate himself, which means your emotions are his supply.
5. You can not let go of the abusive relationship for the abuser has seduced you into his "promised land"/"shared fantasy" of desillusion and will lure you with future faking so that you will stay for you will hope that things will change for the better.
6. You will find yourself in ongoing battles and arguments with the abuser, which will bring out all sorts of anger and rebellion in you. And you might think you are totally out of your character.
7. The abuser lives in an ongoing cycle of chaos and this chaos the abuser projects onto you so that you will become more and more fearful yourself and guilt might be a byproduct of the ongoing abuse for you feel obligated to protect the abuser. The result is that you will constantly walk on eggshells.
8. Your mind will have created a splitting of the abuser and of yourself for he has permanently "showered" you with hot and cold "affection". Your mind wants to get a whole picture but is not able to get it. You might think, "This person is not only bad, there is the other side, which I saw that was good." You might have even the desire to fix the abuser, which is impossible.
I absolutely agroee
Thank you for having written all this in clear way
Excellent and I have screenshotted your amazing list. Thank you!
Here’s to living our best lives away from the narcissist(s) in our lives. Healing wishes to all! ❤
More treats for the sweet! 🍭🍭🍬🍬🍫🍫 Hope you had a good birthday.
There are good people in the world, but at the same time an unbelievable amount of toxic people. Just a reality that one uncovers.
You see posts about grandparents and family and you know 'you' will never have that.
You have become such a stranger because of the assault against you by people who were your own.
They fall to the strongest and abuse the weakest.
@Liesel208 I know what you mean. I always think about family and say, "I wonder what that would be like." ❤
You cannot get a straight answer out of a narcissist. They rare pay attention to things you share with them. It is as if they are rigidly frozen in time.
You a correct that you can rarely get a straight answer out of them. That’s because they want to confuse you and protect themselves at the same time. Be warned though. They may seem like they are not listening to you. ! Whilst what they are actually doing is taking mental notes quietly, about the things you have given away about your self. This will be used against you at a later date, when they feel the need to devalue you. ! By then though, you will have forgotten what you told them about yourself . This is when you start to believe that they actually know you and therefore they must be just trying to help you, rather than them actually manipulating you to believe you are the messed up one. ! A non narc wouldn’t do this. Take care 🖖💕
The first in your comment here is VERY ACCURATE. You can not and will not get a straight answer, which causes chaos and confusion, a breeding ground for conflict.
A few sayings that have helped me are, get up, get dressed, get going. Also, breathe in breathe out, move on.
Having narc parents really set me up to expect nothing from anyone, that I had to do all the work in a relationship…
I feel the same way.
yes a train wreck 👌
Same here
You described my situation perfectly!
Same! I blame my narc dad!
I tried to avoid arguing with ex narc. It got to the point that I let him think whatever delusion he had at the moment. He always contradicted everything I'd say anyway so I began to say nothing. That gets you in hot water too. You can't win, and trying is physically exhausting.
The one I knew would talk non-stop to control everything; I never had a chance to reply - then he started critisizing me for being taciturn. Everything was always so impossible.
@@melisherwood5300 Exactly!
Knowing negative, unsolicited advice is incoming... Almost like a battle field..
💯
An ongoing WAR
Started my C-PTSD! 😢
Gus keeps winking at me… 😉
You noticed!
I was married to a narcissist for over 40 years and it's still taking me a long time to trust again.
What are you saying - you did not choose him?
What's she's saying is, you don't know the extent until you marry them. Don't be a victim-blamer.@@nervotica7991
My #1 (from my perspective), was expecting critique, no matter how hard I’d try. Giving up and not trying became easier to deal with.
Right on, I'm still lost in a alternate world
That's me right now.
There is life after narcissistic abuse 😊 there is love, joy, respect, decency, dignity , civility and so much more good after this horrible experience we have been through. Thank you 🙏 dr Carter❤ God bless you❤
I needed this comment. There are good genuine people left for us. Thank you🙏🏼
You are one of them! 🙂
Oh how I wish I could leave. My retirement fund isn't enough for that. I really don't want to be homeless, so I'm putting up with the crap he does.
So sorry, praying you find a way. You deserve good things ❤🙏
Me too, I’m trying every day to prevail. It could break me. I’m praying for you. 🙏🏼😽🕊️
@theyellowshoe, me, too!
Took me 20 years. 2023 I finally had enough information and experience to see it! Bond broken. A year of shadow work is what it took!
Unfortunately, some empaths just attract narcissists like a magnet or the other way around. Its going to be a lifelong journey for me to separate healthy people with their own healthy opinions from destructive narcs. I need time to develope internal balance. Hello therapy!
Oh people keep healthy and don't let those narcs bring you down to their despicable level, thanks Dr. C and team healthy, stay strong y'all.
Oh boy! Do I ever remember the "raw hamburger meat" feeling (how I'd described it. It is necessary to deconstruct and rebuild after these experiences and being in the midst of this can be hard. Remember to be grateful we have the ability to heal. Surround yourself with those you trust and stay the course. It does pass and you'll emerge better for your efforts! 💜🐾
Ugh. Feels like me at work the last two months. Constant cycle of disorganization & chaos and complaining about it. I'd just like to let it go, let the chips fall where they may and protect myself from my weird behaving supervisor.
I had to learn to say, "Thank you." Stop. Not immediately go into the overbearing, over the top, I'm not possibly worthy, OMG that's so nice of you, I owe you one, how can I ever repay you? etc. etc. etc. for simple niceties that people (with no agenda) do for each other from time to time,
Dr C, your podcast on Trauma Bond stunned me. You said that lying is a sign that you’re still in a trauma bond, that t’s only necessary to lie when you need to protect myself. I lie all of the time about totally benign things, for example about where I’m going (to work 🤣), who I was on the phone with (my brother.
I was doing this to distance myself/avoid a conversation or criticism (“you need to negotiate a higher salary …what did that idiot have to say?”). Or so I thought.
I have not only become like him, a pathological liar, but I’m still in a trauma bond.
I’m working hard on being honest and authentic. It’s making him very angry, but as you said in another video “they’re already angry!”
Thank you for making me a more authentic person.
Awareness is so essential. Thanks for your honesty. I know you can make it...keep your resolve high!! Dr. C
The narc when caught out in a lie, would say a similar thing though. Ie, they had to lie to avoid confrontation. When really , they are so immature that they are often lying to get what they want. Controlling and then when caught, resorting to DARVO. ! If both partners lie and deceive each other, then which one is the pathological narcissist ? Very complex. Hope Dr. C can clarify for us ? X
Always enjoy your videos God bless you
Thanks so much!
Hey Team Healthy friends 😊♥️
My husband and I abandoned a narcissistic friendship 3 years ago. We still ruminate about how we should have said this or replied that in a particular situation. But, we know it was him, not us. His gf is so under his spell that she parrots replies he’s given in certain situations.
I am trying to get away from my narcissistic sociopathic he's is and no one wants to help me I'm trying to leave my state of Buffalo NY ! Thank you
Spoiler alert: 8 are listed below. Watch the stream. These are for visual learners.
8 Signs of Being Stuck in a Narcissistic Trauma Bond
1. A tendency to fall into argumentative patterns. i.e. - Psychological wincing
2. Difficulty articulating your feelings clearly.
3. Remaining too coy or evasive
4. Collapsing after negative, insulting comments
5. Easily annoyed by routine differences
6. Grousing in general with others
7. Extreme about the need to appease (too much or not at all)
8. A general pessimism about life.
I watched to get the list, so I can ask a friend I trust to check me for remaining signs. Easy copy/paste to here.
Thanks Aaron ❤️ 🙏
Thank you for making the list 🗒✍
Thank you, Aaron, for writing the check list. Good idea to ask your friend for remaining you on these signs, giving you feedback. And what do you think by yourself? On which sign/signs do you have to work?
P.S.: Recently I watched some jokes on your channel - and there was only one I understood immediately: the man who was praying for a wife 😁🤭
This friend has called me out on #3 already, and I agreed. That was when I decided to be more vulnerable with people I could trust. I don’t see any of the others being a lasting problem, as I have done work to overcome in these intervening years since the discard. I’ll show the list and ask if I have blind spots about any of them.
I’ve had fun with the joke stream. Most of these are ones I tell my friends IRL when we hang out every weekend. If I see I need to tweak them (from their blank expressions, etc), I will try before I post in YT.
Love this talk!
The erosion of self confidence is no small thing. It can lead to depression and hopelessness. It can lead to psychological collapse.
When those you love, trust and depend upon turn against you, where can you turn for help?
If they do not and cannot recognize your need for independence, it isn't something that is one and done but something that can become continuous and habituated, and it is even worse when we blame ourselves for failing.
It took me years to recover and I still walk with a limp.
I'm sure that it doesn't depend on their intention. They, in fact, could have the best of intentions. If they take away your ability to walk in order to prop themselves up, ultimately it is them who are unable to walk without assistance.
Basically, they have no capacity to view your independence as a good thing and solely aim to keep you hobbled. In this sense, they are not only bad-intentioned but stupid. Everybody eventually needs others! When you free yourself from this codependent dynamic, you become free to stand alone but also free to be there for others!
It is possible and worth every effort!
After being away I am able to feel the chaos.. If I start feeling that in others then I try to stay away from them or that environment..
Yes.. I have several family members that are in this situation, and it is pathetic and sad to watch..
I've been told I'm not a very open person, thank you for explaining why I'm like that
I often have taken my narc dad’s traits as a parameter for judging other people! I know there are good people but I have known chaos so close I don’t open up fully with anyone cuz I am scared to be vulnerable and taken advantage of!
I get caught but recognize and correct much sooner....ahhhh. Great topic and thanks for the formatted list. Have a good day all.
#9 Hard Time Relaxing/ Letting Go.
THANK YOU DR. C AND GUS…. we love you a lot
From JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN USA
YES, YES, YES….. when we come to realization of what this all is,….it is a shock!!!! A person coming to the shock of realization didn’t even realize there was such a thing like this. Even the types of behaviors could exist. I truly believe it is demonic spirits when people allow them, and even though they don’t realize it. This is why we need to open our eyes and get wisdom. These videos help, these videos help tremendously, and the Lord Jesus Christ. Without him, the Lord Jesus Christ, the healing would be horrendous… nothing is impossible for the Lord Jesus Christ to heal all wounds and traumas. Thank you for all this information so that we can have a great awakening.
From JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN USA
I have experienced the confusion and destruction that these demonic spirits can accomplish through another human being. The spirit world is more real than most people think. What's really troubling is when a professing Christian is operating under these influences and doesn't discern it and get help.
Off the record- agreed that the forces of Evil can be almost 😅 overwhelming: for the r😅record- hold strong in Faith
@@michelleharkness7549 God bless you…yes…so true…. thank you everyone for being here and know we care. Smiles to ALL here and you matter. Thank you for your comment.
The email article about Post-Narc responses was very helpful Dr. C. Thx!! It really takes a long time to regain my personality and balance. Yet, I have discovered so much about myself and my family that I didn’t “read” them as Narcs, so covert. I really think that I saved my life by leaving and going independent. Freedom is personal growth.
Glad it was helpful! You're why I do this work!!
I am like that. I get into arguments with people. I am trying to address this by standing back and observing. I am becoming more successful at this.
I think I used to get drawn into arguments as a reaction to a lifetime of being put down.
Yes, I think it's a kind of rebellion against authoritarianism.
I am at that point that i need to get go of what happened because rehashing only keeps it alive for me and he will not be loosing sleep over it ,so it does not it hurt for him , but for me and you ,you can talk about it for so long till that what you have been through becomes a way of life and i don't what that ,it would mean that person wil control your life for eternity .Thank you dr C for reminding us .
I can see this happening to a friend. He used to be a pretty genial person before his marriage as far as I know. Now he is SUPER argumentative and can't tolerate even minor differences of opinion. It is costing him his friendships. Maybe narcissists make you this way on purpose in order to isolate you. I do get the feeling that they want you to be as unhappy and mean as they are. If they can turn you from a nice happy person to a mean, unhappy person, they think they are winning.
Thanks for keeping these videos short and concise. Makes it easier to process.
Glad you like them!
@maryhultberg255, I watch the replays to pause and restart while I type my notes for further review at later times.
This is such great info on continuing to move forward.
I’m still trying to get over the discard phase. I normally have a dedicated skincare routine. Exercise daily. Rarely eat processed foods, etc.
I haven’t showered in a week. Most I’ve been able to do is use baby wipes. Gotta knock these walls down.
please don't do that to yourself ❤
Very very very very helpful 🌟
Glad it was helpful!
I think this happened to me because of my mother: I was very argumentative as a young person in my 20s. I can see this in some of my siblings too. My only objection (argument!) with these recommendations is: there are quite a lot of narcissistic people out there. Sometimes it's good to be a bit pessimistic and "coy," because a lot of people are not trustworthy. I think for most of my life, I thought my mother was one of a tiny number of truly toxic people, and since I had escaped her, I didn't have much to worry about. Wrong! I have encountered narcissistic and even psychopathic people repeatedly in my life, and they have done a great deal of damage. Naiveté is dangerous. You don't have to be hypervigilant, but you should be vigilant.
Dr Carter, I don’t know if you’ve ever done a video on what a healthy regular relationship would look like- in an intimate partnership. With adult siblings. I would very much like to hear this. This is part of what keeps me a bit stuck or in my head, I’m the introspective type, and in brief I did not see healthy family relationships. Also the ones who are two faced, nasty, selfish etc etc, in my siblings- I have many- well they are all doing just fine in life…. Thank you for all your work.
When I started this channel 5 1/2 years ago, I also had a channel called the Dr. Les Carter channel where I posted videos about non-narcissistic topics. It's been quite a while since I've posted on there, but as far as I know, it's still accessible, and you might find some other material that would focus on positive psychology subjects.
@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you very much Dr Les, I will go have a look.
resonates, much appreciated for your insights.
While going through each of the eight points I couldn’t help but think a lot of the reactions to being with a narcissist sound somewhat narcissistic: being argumentative; being coy and evasive (not portraying who you really are), being annoyed with other’s differences (they should be like me!); seeking allies (or flying monkeys). If a narcissistic parent can ultimately produce a narcissist , is it possible a narcissistic partner could as well?
Dr Carter. You have totally brought me into the light about this..Oh my gosh. As I have removed myself it's kind of fun to watch the actions as a non participant. This condition has provided me with hypersensitivity, and an empath for protection. It makes me instantly aware when I encounter another.
know when to run 😊
Glad to be with you on the path!
What about PTSD and complex PTSD? Narcissists and Antisocials subject people to every kind of abuse - physical, sexual, emotional, bullying, stalking, medical abuse... - and that causes PTSD and dissociative disorders (flashbacks are a kind of dissociation for example). Why do you never address this, dr C?
Psychologically bonded. Interesting. Thank you.
OMG I am guilty of the woe is me victim attitude. I have often been accused of this.
It seems like I get stuck in hell the narcissists make me feel and what they want me to think
It’s just like a mellow for of PTSD
My narcissistic husband has manipulated me to the point I know I can’t leave him. He is 22 year older than me and he met me at a point when I needed help and he helped me through it. ( now I realize that’s love bombing) But I still feel indebted to him and somehow I feel I will be ungrateful if I leave him and he does not have any friends or family members because they all can’t cope with him.
Was this in past tense meaning did he initially help but has sabotaged you in the end?
Are you really wondering if he needs anyone at all?
@@An-mei yes he did initially helped me but I feel as if I am paying more emotional than the help he once gave me.
@@user-ei6cx1pr8r You have been isolated or estranged from everyone?
No, no, no! He is not your responsibilty. You have to save yourself. You do realise you are just making excuses to stay stuck. I know it’s very frightening to break free.
@@melisherwood5300- absolute BS. He is her HUSBAND. She has a responsibility to always lift him up - it's called a MARRIAGE.
11:35 < this has become difficult 🤦♀️🌻
This is great content. Thank you
Give the narsisist the first 3 seconds and...
Powerful
In Thanksgiving: ( USA 🇺🇸) : btw: Doctor Les Carter, Ph.D.: ( presenter- awareness- ❤- mental health- information ℹ️ fabulous) : btw: thank you 😊: again: thank you 😊
For the record- both you and Gus as well ( a Regular 🐶 Dog) are looking 👀 wonderful
I love you good sir, I've never had parents guide me through introspection or social interactions growing up, it really means to me a lot hearing these words, and it also helps a bunch!! ❤
Love received, with gratitude!
In Thanksgiving: ( USA 🇺🇸) : btw: The Presentation: ( awareness- mental health- information ℹ️ fabulous👀) is wonderful: again: wonderful
Complacency😢
Can only be the losing option unless you can learn from it and forgive yourself and the other,
(for my father), otherwise it is better off to be ignorant to.
For the record- wishing both you and yours an amazing 🤩 day
Thanks, Michelle!
Thank you so much for this DR Les, You're absolutely beautiful, A great bloke, You're my soul brother, I'm definitely not stuck in trauma bonds, I have upmost Respect for you DR Les, Peace, love, Respect to you, Gus and everyone, Thank you universe 😃💛💚💙💜❤🌌🌈😍🌚🌲🐎🌹👽♘🌝😇☘🕊🐉👁🐶🌷😊
Love Gus. Such a cutie pie.
Very Helpful Dr Carter. Thank you
Glad it was helpful!
Thanks Doc ❤️🩹
You're welcome.
Thank you Dr. Carter for another informative and excellent video. ! Please if you have time, describe how we tell the difference between a non narcissist, that has taken on the traits of the narcissists in their inner circle, ie they have ‘narcissist fleas’, verses an actual narcissist. Many respects to you sir! Thank you from UK. 🖖x
Two things that stand out for me are their sense of entitlement with its superiority complex and the coercive abuse, especially via gaslighting. They don't care and may even want to harm you if they are malignant.
My question is more about someone who may act like a narcissist due to wanting to fit in with them, so they may copy those behaviours, rather than that person having actual pathological narcissism. ? I see what you mean though. It’s a complex subject. Hopefully our main man Dr Carter will help illuminate us with his greater understanding of the question in hand. God bless this community x
Dr C I was in a restaurant with a narcissist yet now I suffer from stock homes syndrome from it is it commonplus how can I get through it?
CPSTD responds to many types of treatment including EMDR therapy often used with returning veterans ❤
Thanks Dr Carter
Thanks Dr. C❤
Thank you Dr Carter, I needed to hear this message.
Glad it was helpful, Jeff.
In Thanksgiving: ( USA 🇺🇸) : btw: Media Technical Support People and Staff @ Doctor Les Carter, Ph.D.: ( Presentation- awareness- mental health- information ℹ️ fabulous) : thank you 😊
Bless you and thank you. This video helps a lot :) Hugs to Gus xx
This wood be a good. Book. 100. Pg. Please. I so sick.
Brilliant video. This is all so very very true.
Thanks, snowbear.
Dear Dr. Carter, I've listened to and taken notes on your 3 Sunday School lessons about Jesus and Narcissism. Would it be possible for me to get copies of the handouts you gave out to the congregation/classes? Thank you for your wisdom and time.
Merle Elizabeth Wolff
Send me your email to wlcarter54@yahoo.com
I have been asked if I’m human yet.
The FBI needs to arrest him here in Buffalo NY but he'll hire someone to kill me ! He's messing with my debit account my identity theft etc !
I mean male or female narsisistic person.
📣 Hallelujah 💪🏽🪨❗✝️
🙏
Psychologically bonded. Interesting. Thank you.
You're very welcome