My mother AND father have narcissism. My path to peace was to go NO CONTACT. I disowned them a long time ago and moved away. My life has never been happier, healthier and more stable!! No contact is key. My story with them is like a lifetime movie. 😨
i dont believe you because two narc, cannot stay in a relationship. there must be one narc and one prisoner. who is screaming for help but apparently seem narc. cause livng with a narc. kindly figure out and........... go give em a hug. if that one is alive
@@Wall_of_gratitude OK. I don't need your validation or anyone else's for that matter. Several commenters all over YT have also shared narc abuse at the hands of BOTH parents. You are wrong. I have worked with several clients whose parents were both NPD. They may have different levels of, or types of NPD, but both parents were officially diagnosed. Two narcissists can absolutely end up in a relationship or together. Sure, it is dumpster fire. It does happen though. My parents were both diagnosed by a PsyD during family therapy sessions a long time ago. Mom is full-blown NPD and Dad has severe Narc tendencies. Among other things. Of course, they both denied they have any problems and never got treatment. They blame everyone around them. I was their main scapegoat. Accountability is not in a narcs vocabulary. I am also a Master level therapist myself, with my license to practice. I have been in practice for 25 years now. I can assess as well. In most cases, yes, they separate or divorce, as my parents did early on.....but....they can end up together. At least for a time. Just a word of cautionary advice: Do not assume unless you have the FACTS about a person or their situation. It is SLANDER. I know my truth and so does God. That is all that matters. No, I will never resume contact with either of them. Hug them? Not even possible. No contact is sadly the only way to go with people who have this issue. If you are their target, they will destroy your life. Mark my words. I have a happy and healthy life now. Keeping it that way. God Bless and Have a happy life.
Best boundary is to walk way. Take action. You can try to place boundaries with your words until you’re blue in the face but they will still try to overstep. Walk away.
The "I" strategy can backfire: they can use it later to make fun of you, like "oh there you go with your 'special needs" or "oh she needs 'time', she's a little princess" and stuff like that.I know we got to try and stay positive, but I really feel like there is no healthy way of having one or more narcissists in your life. If you have no choice, that sucks, and that's it, no bright side.
In my experience of narcissistic abuse, every strategy will backfire except for one. And that is leaving and putting as much distance as you can between yourself and the narcissist. I had to change career and leave the city in order to do this.
Update: I'm trying something new for a change! hahah its so small, but SO SCARY AND POWERFUL AT THE SAME TIME? This is what I'm trying: little by little, giving less and less narcisistic supply to the narcisits. For instance: if you always laugh at the bad jokes he makes in public, so he doesn't feel akward, just stop doing that. IT'S SO WEIRD! AND THEY FEEL IT, BADLY. But this doesn't mean being mean to them, its just, I guess, the difference between being good and being nice. Now that I understand that giving them narcisistic supply is no good to them, or to me, I mean, I can be more honest, you know? And truth is always good, so I think I'm being good to them too, as well as to myself. Its so difficult and scary, because they're SO vulnerable, it feels like they are going to break. But they don't break, which is amazing. Thank God I finally understand this! yey, points for me! :) Thanks for the dedication, good work and always kind and considerate words, Kati! Hugs and kisses :*
@@liviacarvalho7065 I practice "gray rocking" also to starve them of their narcissistic supply. 👍 I had to learn to not be triggered or show any emotion if I WAS triggered, like, pretend to not understand or I'm zoning out. (Or DEAF! That works too!) Sometimes it's the only way I can occupy the same space with them.
After I raised up to 325k trading with her I bought a new House and a car here in the states 🇺🇸🇺🇸 also paid for my son's surgery (Oscar). Glory to God.shalom.
Great list. I’ve also seen this with “I don’t agree with you.” Narcissists see others having an opposing viewpoint as an attack on themselves. They think, “Clearly you must be wrong so I can be right and I will make you regret questioning me.”
The number one thing you shouldn't do is call them a narcissist especially when they don't know they are a narcissist. Once they know we know who they really are, all hell is about to break loose. I wish somebody would have given me this advice when I first found out he was a narcissist.
Very true. It’s equal to telling any kind of mentally ill ab*ser your escape plans. In fact, until you do escape, don’t say anything about it to anyone unless it’s your therapist. When you have one in your life, you most likely have many unseen ones as well. They’re like vultures and will team when they think you’re getting away for good.
@HomeFromFarAway oh snap, this random internet weirdo disagrees with what I thought to be an obviously logical point. I guess youtube videos DO qualify you to diagnose people who cross you with whatever mental disorders you feel they have.
What not to say 1:46 You're overreacting 2:59 Why do you treat people like this? (Calling out the narcissist on their behaviour) 3:20 I don't know if I am doing a good job (reveal an insecurity and/or vulnerability) 4:58 That's none of your business (set healthy confrontational boundaries/ make a request) 6:36 Why can't you be more like X 8:39 I'm here for you no matter what 8:39 I just need you to apologie Communication Tips 8:39 Use I statements 8:39 Stay calm and neutral 8:39 Set firm boundaries
Setting Boundaries is not for other people, Boundaries are for us to Set for ourselves.. And to follow through with them.. such as limiting Set Days & Times to see someone, Having options to use if your feeling triggerred / stressed.. can take a walk /take car for a drive or Plan to leave earlier.. taking a longer break or no contact & try to communicate simply & in a Neutral honest way..
I just watched a vid from another provider who noticed that narcs push boundries in strategic ways. "Set boundaries" is a cliche. Youre absolutely right. People who don't know what they're talking about say it.
@@personanongrata7976 The "Setting of Healthy Boundaries" is for You or each persoon to do..The Boundary is whatever you need to do thats in your best interest in regards to the other person & relational engagment or not.
My therapist turned out to be a narcissist. It’s taking some time to get over his cruel behavior. He exploded saying that’s a lot of YOUs he said stop saying YOU. The anger he showed but then the manipulation into keep telling me I had anger when I was totally calm. Really glad I seen this video it explains my therapist completely. They shouldn’t be allowed to be therapists it’s so so damaging when they turn abusive.
But why do they get to dismiss other people's feelings and we can't call them out? It makes no sense. Why should we have to placate people with no empathy and no regard for other people's feelings? On top of that, why can't we say it's none of your business? We shouldn't have to validate our reasons or feelings or opinions to anyone. How come they get a "get out of jail free" card?
It's more protecting yourself from the narcissistic backlash. I think the point is to protect yourself, which I learned the hard way with my narc parent. Also, 17:30 in the vid is where she talks about the 'why'. I hope this helps!
The problem with a narcissist is, that they won't actually hear (or really care) about your thoughts, feelings and boundaries. Everything you say to them, they will consider a statement about them (even if it has 0 to do with them!). Telling ppl about your world and feelings needs empathy from the listener. If the listener is a narcissist, they have no empathy! And in worse case they will use what you tolled them against you. So it's safer for your own emotional health to not get into deep topics with narcissists.
Thank you for these tips. They are helpful in de-escalating, but I am a bit concerned with how effective they are overall. I've tried to explain to my dad that I can't be around him because he is unable to give me what I need (i e: asking how my day is, how I'm doing when I have a hard day and not make it about himself, not talking for an hour+ literally about how much people are against him everytime we talk, etc.). He just explodes and says my mom poisoned me against him, and then it goes downhill from there. When I tell him nobody actually talks about him, it just makes him even more upset and then he tries to prove that I'm wrong and tries to save me by proving she's brainwashed me. I'm 35 years old. He invalidates everything I feel and can't understand why I don't go to visit him. He's upset because I'm not in his life but he's incapable of caring about me if it's not in relation to how he's perceived by others. I just don't believe you can safely have a relationship with narcissists (at least not what I have learned so far).
"I'm here for you no matter what." During my divorce, I was taught to be the rock in my wife's life. Be there for her no matter what, and I told her I was. It only got worse. She became more manipulative, took more, and resented me more. Its hard not to be there for someone you love no matter what difficulties you or they are going through. But when it comes to a narcissist, this is VERY good advice. to not tell them this if you know they are highly narcissistic.
My mom is a bit of a narcissist. My cousin once pointed out that she badmouthed almost everyone in her life, and that immediately set her off because she wanted to believe that she was morally superior to everyone else. The best solution is really to lower or cut contact. I don't need drama in my life.
My mother is a saint for enduring this long. I need to share this with her, because I literally observe these things in real time. (Edit- I appreciate you saying that ghosting or grey-man isn't always the solution or what the relationship needs. My father is still a good man, he's just really difficult to deal with at times.)
remember coming back from a psychiatrist appointment and not wanting to tell my mother what we talked about becouse it was personal and we can have confidentiality, I said just "we talked" and the she fucking started making a scene like "you don't need me anymore you're excluding me from your life" than I said I would buy the medication with my money becouse it's important for me to do it by myself and then she cried over it saying I was humiliating her saying I don't need her money, I never said it, she hates boundaries and now I'm identifying a pattern on her behavior and planning on going no contact in the future, she traumatized me so much
Great video but the big lingering thought I had throughout all this is I really don't want to deal with such a person, I'd just ghost and avoid them entirely.
Naturally. You are so right. There are situations however where that's not possible or where an exception needs to be made for the sale of others and that's where this advice is a lifeline... 😊
@@bornach I swear the bulk of these folks I've encountered are: Academia, Healthcare & Law/State/Local/Federal government. Okay, the private sector....okay, they're basically everywhere 😆🖐️
I had a childhood friend that I cut off all communication with last year. She was the most toxic, narcissistic person. Also was a drug addict. She was a toxic person to everyone. So I cut off the friendship with her, then found out from one of her family members several months later that she passed away unexpectedly. I still don't regret cutting off the friendship and never will.
Having two people in my extended blood family that are this way, I thoroughly enjoyed this. From my experience with them, you are right on in what you say.
So pretty much, don't say to them the things they use to manipulate you. Everything you said was said to me over and over, until I would give in. Seriously, this should be a list of things narcissists say when they know you know.
yes. the DSM and quacks like dr ramani encourage people with zero qualifications to diagnose and even gaslight people based on entirely amature reading, or worse, youtube videos
I feel like asking for an apology is good because you can get to that brick wall and just take a break or detach completely, after which, you life will be so much better. If it's a family member you live with you can't do that however.
All I wanted from her was "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." Instead, I got 4 1/2 hours of "It's all your fault." After that I went no contact.
same. she constantly spammed me tons of 'how to be a filial children videos/messages, how to be forgiving' till i blocked her. the narc expect people to forgive them without even repent or asking(forgiveness) for it.
In my experience, the only thing is to walk away. Go no contact. These people are malignant and malicious and do not care who they hurt. They hurt others on purpose. Avoid and do not engage.
Had a narcisstic boss in my last company. He drained every energy out of me. I was so unsure and mental down, i did not see problems around me aside from his toxic, which he told is my fault. My beloved cat was sick, and i did not see it in time. Putting him down cause of this was the most devestating thing i ever faced, as i am very introverted and he was very important for me. I left my company, even i got no other job and do not know how to handle the costs of my house, but otherwise i would have done things. Everyone, left those toxic relationships, it doesn´t matter if in job or private.
As a daughter of a severe narcissist this video was hard because it triggered me with the behavior of: just don’t do anything to not piss her off. I know it’s not the intention but that’s how I feel with these suggestions. In my case I went no contact completely. I know it’s not easy for everyone to do that, but it was the only way for me. Not being able to express my anger towards so many years of abuse and have to choose what to say in order for her to feel ok is so wrong to me. I’m glad I’m out of that bs.
The phrase that triggered my ex was, "Let's agree to disagree." A narcissist can never be wrong even if it's a situation/topic that is 100% opinion based/personal taste.
I wish I’ve seen this while I was with my narcissistic ex 😭 I didn’t realize he was one until after we broke up. Still recovering from that relationship.
I suppose this is good advice if you absolutely have to deal with a narcissistic person. If you can fully separate from a narcissistic person then you should. 100%
So basically you can't say anything. Either you will be revealing your own weaknesses for them to exploit or you will bring out their weaknesses so they can manipulate you into thinking they're a victim. I am 98 percent sure that my father is that. Because it is impossible to have a conversation with him for just those reasons. Not to mention other things I'm not going to get into. So needless to say I haven't talked to him in years.
I have a sister in a group home that is a narcissist and very verbally abusive. She hates it there, but is there for a lot of reasons. Have had to stop talking to her on the phone because of the abuse. I’m 70 now and just can’t take it. It’s so awful.
Thank you so much for this!! I have said all of these things at one time or another when dealing with family members with these tendancies. I have lately come to regret it. This is vital information that I will definitely remember and use going forward.
Generally shouldn't say 'You're overreacting' to most people because it is very hurtful to a genuine person. Also, this is used against women a lot. That's not what if means in that phrase. If I hurt you is very difficult to describe it, but it is a softening. It isn't implying doubt, it's just a way of saying oh you feel that way. In fact it can be said in a way that makes it more genuine. It's not if as in this or that. It's not saying choice. Its actually emphasis, like... you tell me, did I hurt you...IF I did I'm sorry...? Because the person saying it can't actually know what someone is saying so it's a way of being careful to notice another's feelings.
most of these things are inappropriate to say to anyone. this is stuff that gets used to gaslight victims. and the overephasis on grandiosity is massively misleading on what the real research shows about NPD
Kati could you please make an episode about dark empaths and what say or not to say to them? I'm a huge fan of your content. You're a life savior for many rushing thoughts amd rough days.
That I statement example helped me finally understand how to make them properly. I've had several severely narcissistic people in my family - this video was super helpful.
To be fair... telling someone that they are overreacting, or "why can't they be more like someone else", is just not nice regardless whether it's a narcissist or a normal person. I guess narcissist's response would be way different (full of rage) than a normal person, but even the healthy person would be typically at least mildly hurt. Let's just avoid those phrases in any context and use better more gentle feedback strategies. Then it becomes very clear that we deal with a narcissist based on their out of proportion reaction.
Maybe a followup video is needed, Kati, because why even allow someone like this in your life? A close family member of mine is perfectly described by your DSM summary at the beginning, and no contact is the only way I have found to even be on the same planet with them. It's created tragedy and upset in our family, but I do not know any other way to deal with this person.
I hate walking on eggshells around terrible people. My sister is a narcissist. I'm the scapegoat. She never apologizes, she complains constantly for all the drama that SHE caused, nothing is her fault, you're the problem, you're emotionally damaged... she stole inheritance money from me and is now smearing my name.
My sister to some degree, but especially my father have narcissistic tendancies. Hearing your phrases better NOT to tell them, and having them in mind, I could allways be like "oh yes, don't need that drama" in imagining how they would react. No fun. My father is by far the worse of the two. Allways pushing me down, allways angry. And boundaries! Totally hates when he gets them or feels his are not respecting, but completely tearing those of others down and doubling down on insulting/humiliating/ridiculing them in the process. Also cut ties with by now his entire family except me (bc I have issues and am overly tolerant) and his oldest brother (but lately reduced contact from little to almost none with him as well), and of cause he is never the issue or to blame. It's really exhausting to interact with him. I'm allways on the edge around him. I don't think I've ever even see him pretend to apologize. He's never to blame, so he why should he. My fault to feel hurt in the first place.... Miy sister too, but it has gotten way better with her since we both had our own homes and were not forced to live under the same roof any more. Years ago. And even more when she had her first child (2 by now. My dear and only nieces. I'm 37f) Definitely good advices at the end. Thanks for the video.
"juice isn't worth the squeeze" - I like it! A few years since we've spoken and I still can't decide if a friend was a narcissist. I may have Autism/ADHD, not sure, or maybe I'm just clueless. He inspired me as a mentor and I knew I'd never meet his level but I was still happy and it seemed to piss him off. huh???
*breathe in....breathe out.....breathe in...* Oh Man this one triggered some memories and anxiety.... Mother and ex boyfriend and a few other short term dates... And all of them being narcissists.... It's so difficult to actually find a person who is not a narcissist. Slightest narcissistic tendencies makes me anxious to move forward with them. It's a long recovery and continuous learning. Therapy is helping, of course.
These videos are so helpful. Been dealing with a situation the last year and couldn't understand why thing where not improving between me a certain person despite the good mental health work I ve put in. Your content on narcissistic behaviour explains a lot and how approach it moving forward.
Thank you Katie, my story is way to long, but all these phrases are spot on. Experienced them all. My wife of 43 years experienced trauma when she was young, to long to tell all. We ran away together at 17, all these years later now she blames the abuse on me . And she calls me a narcissist now for 4 years and been separated for 3. Now I'm asking for a divorce.long story short , she has become a person that I don't recognize. Extreme anger and I'm the blame for everything. Wish I could tell the long story but it will be a book. Thanks for the sincere video.
The DSM is so hopelessly falwed on NPD. I hope you will read some of the actual published research on people struggling with actual NPD and consider the valuable content on the HealNPD channel going forward
Great video both my parents are narcissistic and sadly both still try to play the non narcissist in public but they've are alone lost everyone around them.
I checked all the boxes for being a narcissist myself, but therapy and the Holy Bible helped me a lot. I consider myself a work in progress and am happy to take constructive feedback.
I had to let got of a best friend of 19 years because of things like gaslighting and and their refusal to respect my boundaries or even apologize to me. At the time I would often have depression and they would try to be supportive by trying to tell me what i should do all the time and yet i didnt want to do some of those things because it wasnt "me". He didnt lack empathy and was actually there a few time during crisis. I havent spoken a word to them in over a year and i do miss them but we both said nasty things to one another. I recently got a reevaluation after half a year of monitoring my mood, on my mental condition, and is actually Cyclothymia (sometimes referred to as Bipolar III because its similar to Bipolar II) which does make sense to me. Having my boundaries being crossed by someone constantly, being gaslighted to the point i started to confuse myself from reality and having my opinions ignored was not healthy. Maybe it best not to be friends with them. I would like to know if someone with a lot of the symptoms of Narcissistic personality disorder, but do still have empathy, can have some lower definition like myself with the Bipolar spectrum of disorders?
My mom is narcissistic...well, that's actually my entire family growing up, lol. Mom has always had to ask what I paid for on every big ticket item I purchased, so I was always pressured to tell her, just to be criticized. Now I just tell her that I'll keep that info to myself or don't worry about it.
Did you ever wonder if maybe you were really the narcissist and you just couldn’t stand anyone thinking that they were better than you, even if in some ways they were? Is it a sadistic characteristic to want to make someone feel bad about their positive attributes and accomplishments, especially when you tell them untruths just because of your political, religious beliefs or personal ego? Do you feel like the only way to climb up is to stomp upon others? Other people may feel a lot for you, but they may have far less perception to cues than you do. You may think that you’re being obvious, but they may need you to type it out in plain English with no reading between the lines required. Everyone is not the same. The more that we can understand each other the more we can help each other and make a better world.
They probably can be if they try very hard to be emphatic but but that would open a big can of worms of all the other times they weren't emphatic. They have to keep up their facade regardless of the collateral damage in order to survive.
I did number one with my godmother who I truly believe meets criteria for narcissism. She definitely hated that and she went into her rage! She gave me the silent treatment and ignored anything I said to her on WhatsApp. Really sad.
I don't think the basic summary of NPD really covers overt and covert NPD as they can present in very different ways. The grandiose in an overt narcissist can be someone who wears the best clothes, thinks they are amazing and will outwardly state it, a c overt narcissist may not be like that at all but will believe their needs are more important, act very selfishly, need to get the most sympathy,- be the most sick, the most affected etc. and be very manipulative about it.
I mean if they don’t care how we or how to respect boundaries then why should we use the tips not to piss them off ? Like these tips would further show they don’t deserve a place in anyone’s life at the end of it
Never say anything...
The only winning move is to not play.
War Games 1983
Move in Silence. That was/is my motto. 🙏💖💖🙏
No joke
I'm tired of tip toeing around these people. We need to start finding ways to win
Don't tip toe around em- RUN!
My mother AND father have narcissism. My path to peace was to go NO CONTACT. I disowned them a long time ago and moved away. My life has never been happier, healthier and more stable!! No contact is key. My story with them is like a lifetime movie. 😨
Same except its my Dad and sister. My mom is the enabler so we can have a relationship but I have strong boundaries in place
Likewise… the horrific abuse was normalized. Have been no contact with all siblings for 20+ years. Parents passed away.
Yep, I'm 2 and a half years no contact
i dont believe you because two narc, cannot stay in a relationship. there must be one narc and one prisoner. who is screaming for help but apparently seem narc. cause livng with a narc. kindly figure out and........... go give em a hug. if that one is alive
@@Wall_of_gratitude OK. I don't need your validation or anyone else's for that matter. Several commenters all over YT have also shared narc abuse at the hands of BOTH parents. You are wrong. I have worked with several clients whose parents were both NPD. They may have different levels of, or types of NPD, but both parents were officially diagnosed. Two narcissists can absolutely end up in a relationship or together. Sure, it is dumpster fire. It does happen though. My parents were both diagnosed by a PsyD during family therapy sessions a long time ago. Mom is full-blown NPD and Dad has severe Narc tendencies. Among other things. Of course, they both denied they have any problems and never got treatment. They blame everyone around them. I was their main scapegoat. Accountability is not in a narcs vocabulary. I am also a Master level therapist myself, with my license to practice. I have been in practice for 25 years now. I can assess as well. In most cases, yes, they separate or divorce, as my parents did early on.....but....they can end up together. At least for a time.
Just a word of cautionary advice: Do not assume unless you have the FACTS about a person or their situation. It is SLANDER. I know my truth and so does God. That is all that matters. No, I will never resume contact with either of them. Hug them? Not even possible. No contact is sadly the only way to go with people who have this issue. If you are their target, they will destroy your life. Mark my words. I have a happy and healthy life now. Keeping it that way. God Bless and Have a happy life.
"Why can't you be more like __?" Is just a shitty thing to say to anybody, truthfully.
My Narc mom constantly used this on us
True!!
I had the same exact thought
That's true. My mom is rather narcissistic and she loved saying that to me when I was a teen.
Best boundary is to walk way. Take action. You can try to place boundaries with your words until you’re blue in the face but they will still try to overstep. Walk away.
The "I" strategy can backfire: they can use it later to make fun of you, like "oh there you go with your 'special needs" or "oh she needs 'time', she's a little princess" and stuff like that.I know we got to try and stay positive, but I really feel like there is no healthy way of having one or more narcissists in your life. If you have no choice, that sucks, and that's it, no bright side.
In my experience of narcissistic abuse, every strategy will backfire except for one. And that is leaving and putting as much distance as you can between yourself and the narcissist. I had to change career and leave the city in order to do this.
Update: I'm trying something new for a change! hahah its so small, but SO SCARY AND POWERFUL AT THE SAME TIME? This is what I'm trying: little by little, giving less and less narcisistic supply to the narcisits. For instance: if you always laugh at the bad jokes he makes in public, so he doesn't feel akward, just stop doing that. IT'S SO WEIRD! AND THEY FEEL IT, BADLY. But this doesn't mean being mean to them, its just, I guess, the difference between being good and being nice. Now that I understand that giving them narcisistic supply is no good to them, or to me, I mean, I can be more honest, you know? And truth is always good, so I think I'm being good to them too, as well as to myself. Its so difficult and scary, because they're SO vulnerable, it feels like they are going to break. But they don't break, which is amazing. Thank God I finally understand this! yey, points for me! :)
Thanks for the dedication, good work and always kind and considerate words, Kati!
Hugs and kisses :*
@@liviacarvalho7065 I practice "gray rocking" also to starve them of their narcissistic supply. 👍 I had to learn to not be triggered or show any emotion if I WAS triggered, like, pretend to not understand or I'm zoning out. (Or DEAF! That works too!)
Sometimes it's the only way I can occupy the same space with them.
After so much struggles I now own a new house and my family is happy once again everything is finally falling into place!!
I'm 37 and have been looking for ways to be successful, please how??
Thanks to my co-worker (Alex) who suggested Ms Claudia Ann Brandon.
She's a licensed broker in the states 🇺🇸
After I raised up to 325k trading with her I bought a new House and a car here in the states 🇺🇸🇺🇸 also paid for my son's surgery (Oscar). Glory to God.shalom.
Can't imagine earning $85,000 biweekly, God bless Ms Claudia Ann Brandon , God bless America 🇺🇸♥️
Great list. I’ve also seen this with “I don’t agree with you.” Narcissists see others having an opposing viewpoint as an attack on themselves. They think, “Clearly you must be wrong so I can be right and I will make you regret questioning me.”
Never contradict what a narcissist says. They will feel they are being attacked personally and physically will explode in a fit of narcissistic rage.
The number one thing you shouldn't do is call them a narcissist especially when they don't know they are a narcissist. Once they know we know who they really are, all hell is about to break loose. I wish somebody would have given me this advice when I first found out he was a narcissist.
Very true. It’s equal to telling any kind of mentally ill ab*ser your escape plans. In fact, until you do escape, don’t say anything about it to anyone unless it’s your therapist. When you have one in your life, you most likely have many unseen ones as well. They’re like vultures and will team when they think you’re getting away for good.
or calling someone a narcissist when we're diagnosing them off internet videos and without any actual reading of the academic research.
@@HomeFromFarAwayDisagree.
@@nopereradicator cool. you go be a narcissist then. since that's all that's required for me to decide you are one 😅😂👍
@HomeFromFarAway oh snap, this random internet weirdo disagrees with what I thought to be an obviously logical point. I guess youtube videos DO qualify you to diagnose people who cross you with whatever mental disorders you feel they have.
What not to say
1:46 You're overreacting
2:59 Why do you treat people like this? (Calling out the narcissist on their behaviour)
3:20 I don't know if I am doing a good job (reveal an insecurity and/or vulnerability)
4:58 That's none of your business (set healthy confrontational boundaries/ make a request)
6:36 Why can't you be more like X
8:39 I'm here for you no matter what
8:39 I just need you to apologie
Communication Tips
8:39 Use I statements
8:39 Stay calm and neutral
8:39 Set firm boundaries
There are no boundaries that can be set with a narcissist.
No contact is a boundary and probably the only one effective
Setting Boundaries is not for other people, Boundaries are for us to Set for ourselves.. And to follow through with them.. such as limiting Set Days & Times to see someone, Having options to use if your feeling triggerred / stressed.. can take a walk /take car for a drive or Plan to leave earlier.. taking a longer break or no contact & try to communicate simply & in a Neutral honest way..
I just watched a vid from another provider who noticed that narcs push boundries in strategic ways. "Set boundaries" is a cliche. Youre absolutely right. People who don't know what they're talking about say it.
@@personanongrata7976 The "Setting of Healthy Boundaries" is for You or each persoon to do..The Boundary is whatever you need to do thats in your best interest in regards to the other person & relational engagment or not.
It’s not the having of the boundaries. It’s the ENFORCING of the boundaries.
0th thing you should never say to a narcissist: "Hello"
Every morning, I say, “Good morning,” to my mom but not to her stupid boyfriend. If I do not say, “Good morning,” to him, then he gets pissed off.
My therapist turned out to be a narcissist. It’s taking some time to get over his cruel behavior. He exploded saying that’s a lot of YOUs he said stop saying YOU. The anger he showed but then the manipulation into keep telling me I had anger when I was totally calm. Really glad I seen this video it explains my therapist completely. They shouldn’t be allowed to be therapists it’s so so damaging when they turn abusive.
It's interesting to see a narc(personality disorder) therapist trying to heal others mentally.
Never been so early. Thank you Kati for providing us the resources we need to heal.
Of course! So happy to help :) xoxo
But why do they get to dismiss other people's feelings and we can't call them out? It makes no sense. Why should we have to placate people with no empathy and no regard for other people's feelings? On top of that, why can't we say it's none of your business? We shouldn't have to validate our reasons or feelings or opinions to anyone. How come they get a "get out of jail free" card?
It's more protecting yourself from the narcissistic backlash. I think the point is to protect yourself, which I learned the hard way with my narc parent. Also, 17:30 in the vid is where she talks about the 'why'. I hope this helps!
The problem with a narcissist is, that they won't actually hear (or really care) about your thoughts, feelings and boundaries. Everything you say to them, they will consider a statement about them (even if it has 0 to do with them!). Telling ppl about your world and feelings needs empathy from the listener. If the listener is a narcissist, they have no empathy! And in worse case they will use what you tolled them against you. So it's safer for your own emotional health to not get into deep topics with narcissists.
Thank you for these tips. They are helpful in de-escalating, but I am a bit concerned with how effective they are overall. I've tried to explain to my dad that I can't be around him because he is unable to give me what I need (i e: asking how my day is, how I'm doing when I have a hard day and not make it about himself, not talking for an hour+ literally about how much people are against him everytime we talk, etc.). He just explodes and says my mom poisoned me against him, and then it goes downhill from there. When I tell him nobody actually talks about him, it just makes him even more upset and then he tries to prove that I'm wrong and tries to save me by proving she's brainwashed me. I'm 35 years old. He invalidates everything I feel and can't understand why I don't go to visit him. He's upset because I'm not in his life but he's incapable of caring about me if it's not in relation to how he's perceived by others. I just don't believe you can safely have a relationship with narcissists (at least not what I have learned so far).
"I'm here for you no matter what." During my divorce, I was taught to be the rock in my wife's life. Be there for her no matter what, and I told her I was. It only got worse. She became more manipulative, took more, and resented me more. Its hard not to be there for someone you love no matter what difficulties you or they are going through. But when it comes to a narcissist, this is VERY good advice. to not tell them this if you know they are highly narcissistic.
My mom is a bit of a narcissist. My cousin once pointed out that she badmouthed almost everyone in her life, and that immediately set her off because she wanted to believe that she was morally superior to everyone else. The best solution is really to lower or cut contact. I don't need drama in my life.
I think traits of narcissism run in my family and it's stressful and worrying.
My mother is a saint for enduring this long. I need to share this with her, because I literally observe these things in real time. (Edit- I appreciate you saying that ghosting or grey-man isn't always the solution or what the relationship needs. My father is still a good man, he's just really difficult to deal with at times.)
remember coming back from a psychiatrist appointment and not wanting to tell my mother what we talked about becouse it was personal and we can have confidentiality, I said just "we talked" and the she fucking started making a scene like "you don't need me anymore you're excluding me from your life" than I said I would buy the medication with my money becouse it's important for me to do it by myself and then she cried over it saying I was humiliating her saying I don't need her money, I never said it, she hates boundaries and now I'm identifying a pattern on her behavior and planning on going no contact in the future, she traumatized me so much
Great video but the big lingering thought I had throughout all this is I really don't want to deal with such a person, I'd just ghost and avoid them entirely.
SAME
Yup. After 8 years of bullying, gaslighting, and being emotionally manipulated, I quit my job in academia to escape a narcissist professor.
Naturally. You are so right. There are situations however where that's not possible or where an exception needs to be made for the sale of others and that's where this advice is a lifeline... 😊
@@bornach I swear the bulk of these folks I've encountered are: Academia, Healthcare & Law/State/Local/Federal government. Okay, the private sector....okay, they're basically everywhere 😆🖐️
I told the narcissistic cousin- in- law that he needs therapy. He did not take it well, to say the least.
Where they diagnosed, or are you diagnosing them yourself after watching a few UA-cam videos? Who's to say YOU aren't the narcissist here?
I had a childhood friend that I cut off all communication with last year. She was the most toxic, narcissistic person. Also was a drug addict. She was a toxic person to everyone. So I cut off the friendship with her, then found out from one of her family members several months later that she passed away unexpectedly. I still don't regret cutting off the friendship and never will.
Having two people in my extended blood family that are this way, I thoroughly enjoyed this. From my experience with them, you are right on in what you say.
So pretty much, don't say to them the things they use to manipulate you. Everything you said was said to me over and over, until I would give in. Seriously, this should be a list of things narcissists say when they know you know.
yes. the DSM and quacks like dr ramani encourage people with zero qualifications to diagnose and even gaslight people based on entirely amature reading, or worse, youtube videos
I feel like asking for an apology is good because you can get to that brick wall and just take a break or detach completely, after which, you life will be so much better. If it's a family member you live with you can't do that however.
All I wanted from her was "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." Instead, I got 4 1/2 hours of "It's all your fault." After that I went no contact.
same. she constantly spammed me tons of 'how to be a filial children videos/messages, how to be forgiving' till i blocked her. the narc expect people to forgive them without even repent or asking(forgiveness) for it.
Thank you Katie, these are so true
xoxox
In my experience, the only thing is to walk away. Go no contact. These people are malignant and malicious and do not care who they hurt. They hurt others on purpose. Avoid and do not engage.
I noticed this about a malignant and two covert narcs. They're cold and devoid of joy. Only do they fake giggle at someone else's expense.
Had a narcisstic boss in my last company. He drained every energy out of me. I was so unsure and mental down, i did not see problems around me aside from his toxic, which he told is my fault. My beloved cat was sick, and i did not see it in time. Putting him down cause of this was the most devestating thing i ever faced, as i am very introverted and he was very important for me. I left my company, even i got no other job and do not know how to handle the costs of my house, but otherwise i would have done things. Everyone, left those toxic relationships, it doesn´t matter if in job or private.
Complisults. I've got to remember that.
Watching this video reminds me a lot of my mom and other people I used to know
Gray rock is a great method that works
"Hello."
As a daughter of a severe narcissist this video was hard because it triggered me with the behavior of: just don’t do anything to not piss her off. I know it’s not the intention but that’s how I feel with these suggestions. In my case I went no contact completely. I know it’s not easy for everyone to do that, but it was the only way for me. Not being able to express my anger towards so many years of abuse and have to choose what to say in order for her to feel ok is so wrong to me. I’m glad I’m out of that bs.
The phrase that triggered my ex was, "Let's agree to disagree." A narcissist can never be wrong even if it's a situation/topic that is 100% opinion based/personal taste.
I wish I’ve seen this while I was with my narcissistic ex 😭 I didn’t realize he was one until after we broke up. Still recovering from that relationship.
I suppose this is good advice if you absolutely have to deal with a narcissistic person. If you can fully separate from a narcissistic person then you should. 100%
Thank you so much for sharing this video!!
Kati, you looking up the exact quote mid-video is so me 😂😂
So basically you can't say anything. Either you will be revealing your own weaknesses for them to exploit or you will bring out their weaknesses so they can manipulate you into thinking they're a victim. I am 98 percent sure that my father is that. Because it is impossible to have a conversation with him for just those reasons. Not to mention other things I'm not going to get into. So needless to say I haven't talked to him in years.
Thank you, Kati!
Amazing tips 💯🫶🏻
Rage is a permanent reaction to any sound uttered, good or bad.
I have a sister in a group home that is a narcissist and very verbally abusive. She hates it there, but is there for a lot of reasons. Have had to stop talking to her on the phone because of the abuse. I’m 70 now and just can’t take it. It’s so awful.
Thank you so much for this!! I have said all of these things at one time or another when dealing with family members with these tendancies. I have lately come to regret it. This is vital information that I will definitely remember and use going forward.
Generally shouldn't say 'You're overreacting' to most people because it is very hurtful to a genuine person. Also, this is used against women a lot.
That's not what if means in that phrase. If I hurt you is very difficult to describe it, but it is a softening. It isn't implying doubt, it's just a way of saying oh you feel that way. In fact it can be said in a way that makes it more genuine. It's not if as in this or that. It's not saying choice. Its actually emphasis, like... you tell me, did I hurt you...IF I did I'm sorry...? Because the person saying it can't actually know what someone is saying so it's a way of being careful to notice another's feelings.
most of these things are inappropriate to say to anyone. this is stuff that gets used to gaslight victims. and the overephasis on grandiosity is massively misleading on what the real research shows about NPD
Kati could you please make an episode about dark empaths and what say or not to say to them? I'm a huge fan of your content. You're a life savior for many rushing thoughts amd rough days.
Basically, don't try to out-narcissist the narcissist. They're experts at it, you're not.
That I statement example helped me finally understand how to make them properly.
I've had several severely narcissistic people in my family - this video was super helpful.
To be fair... telling someone that they are overreacting, or "why can't they be more like someone else", is just not nice regardless whether it's a narcissist or a normal person. I guess narcissist's response would be way different (full of rage) than a normal person, but even the healthy person would be typically at least mildly hurt. Let's just avoid those phrases in any context and use better more gentle feedback strategies. Then it becomes very clear that we deal with a narcissist based on their out of proportion reaction.
Maybe a followup video is needed, Kati, because why even allow someone like this in your life? A close family member of mine is perfectly described by your DSM summary at the beginning, and no contact is the only way I have found to even be on the same planet with them. It's created tragedy and upset in our family, but I do not know any other way to deal with this person.
Because not everyone can go no contact.
I hate walking on eggshells around terrible people. My sister is a narcissist. I'm the scapegoat. She never apologizes, she complains constantly for all the drama that SHE caused, nothing is her fault, you're the problem, you're emotionally damaged... she stole inheritance money from me and is now smearing my name.
My sister to some degree, but especially my father have narcissistic tendancies. Hearing your phrases better NOT to tell them, and having them in mind, I could allways be like "oh yes, don't need that drama" in imagining how they would react. No fun. My father is by far the worse of the two. Allways pushing me down, allways angry. And boundaries! Totally hates when he gets them or feels his are not respecting, but completely tearing those of others down and doubling down on insulting/humiliating/ridiculing them in the process. Also cut ties with by now his entire family except me (bc I have issues and am overly tolerant) and his oldest brother (but lately reduced contact from little to almost none with him as well), and of cause he is never the issue or to blame. It's really exhausting to interact with him. I'm allways on the edge around him. I don't think I've ever even see him pretend to apologize. He's never to blame, so he why should he. My fault to feel hurt in the first place....
Miy sister too, but it has gotten way better with her since we both had our own homes and were not forced to live under the same roof any more. Years ago. And even more when she had her first child (2 by now. My dear and only nieces. I'm 37f)
Definitely good advices at the end.
Thanks for the video.
I prefer not to say anything to a narcissist and stay farrrrrr away
"juice isn't worth the squeeze" - I like it!
A few years since we've spoken and I still can't decide if a friend was a narcissist. I may have Autism/ADHD, not sure, or maybe I'm just clueless. He inspired me as a mentor and I knew I'd never meet his level but I was still happy and it seemed to piss him off. huh???
Kati, can you make a video how to deal with narcissist? 😭 i have mom with narcissistic tendencies or she’s a narcissist😭
Yes of course!! It can be so hard when they are a parent or member of our family and we have to engage with them all the time :( xoxo
The hate boundaries! Because they have to go do thier dirty laundry!!!🙄😬🙄😐😬😐🙄😐😬🙄😐🙄😬😐🙄😕🫤!
I subscribed just because you put a countdown timer to when you actually get started on the list 😂😂😂
*breathe in....breathe out.....breathe in...* Oh Man this one triggered some memories and anxiety.... Mother and ex boyfriend and a few other short term dates... And all of them being narcissists.... It's so difficult to actually find a person who is not a narcissist. Slightest narcissistic tendencies makes me anxious to move forward with them.
It's a long recovery and continuous learning. Therapy is helping, of course.
These videos are so helpful. Been dealing with a situation the last year and couldn't understand why thing where not improving between me a certain person despite the good mental health work I ve put in. Your content on narcissistic behaviour explains a lot and how approach it moving forward.
Thank you for sharing this❤
My father is a narcissist, even at age 33 he ruins my self esteem.
So is mine but I don't talk to him.
Thank you Katie, my story is way to long, but all these phrases are spot on. Experienced them all. My wife of 43 years experienced trauma when she was young, to long to tell all. We ran away together at 17, all these years later now she blames the abuse on me . And she calls me a narcissist now for 4 years and been separated for 3. Now I'm asking for a divorce.long story short , she has become a person that I don't recognize. Extreme anger and I'm the blame for everything. Wish I could tell the long story but it will be a book. Thanks for the sincere video.
"the juice isn't worth the squeeze" LOL 😂
I'm going to put this in my pocket for later.
My late father was a narcissist. I never found any semblance of peace in my life until his death. I'm still dealing with a lot of the wreckage.
Thank you so much. I feel the need to revise and memorise these dos and do nots prior to seeing my relatives.
My ex would say, you just need to be more obedient then we wouldn't argue
Its weird cause really everything you just said applies to me
thanks Kati
Great advice and video. I'll try to remember this.
Right lack emotional empathy
The DSM is so hopelessly falwed on NPD. I hope you will read some of the actual published research on people struggling with actual NPD and consider the valuable content on the HealNPD channel going forward
Thanks for share so important information, blessings you are great
Man, if NPD doesn’t perfectly define the Orange Menace, I’ll eat my iPad.
Great video both my parents are narcissistic and sadly both still try to play the non narcissist in public but they've are alone lost everyone around them.
How do you tell the difference between full fledged narcissist and narcissistic tendencies?
I checked all the boxes for being a narcissist myself, but therapy and the Holy Bible helped me a lot. I consider myself a work in progress and am happy to take constructive feedback.
They treat you as if you are the narc, I dont love them anymore,and dont care.
Compliassults = sonichu
Imagine a world where you don't feel for someone else?? You called mentally ill people crazy.. As a therapist
The dissonance
Imagine white knighting in defense of pathologically destructive people.
I had to let got of a best friend of 19 years because of things like gaslighting and and their refusal to respect my boundaries or even apologize to me. At the time I would often have depression and they would try to be supportive by trying to tell me what i should do all the time and yet i didnt want to do some of those things because it wasnt "me". He didnt lack empathy and was actually there a few time during crisis. I havent spoken a word to them in over a year and i do miss them but we both said nasty things to one another. I recently got a reevaluation after half a year of monitoring my mood, on my mental condition, and is actually Cyclothymia (sometimes referred to as Bipolar III because its similar to Bipolar II) which does make sense to me. Having my boundaries being crossed by someone constantly, being gaslighted to the point i started to confuse myself from reality and having my opinions ignored was not healthy. Maybe it best not to be friends with them. I would like to know if someone with a lot of the symptoms of Narcissistic personality disorder, but do still have empathy, can have some lower definition like myself with the Bipolar spectrum of disorders?
Anybody would feel wounded if their feelings are invalidated.
My mom is narcissistic...well, that's actually my entire family growing up, lol. Mom has always had to ask what I paid for on every big ticket item I purchased, so I was always pressured to tell her, just to be criticized. Now I just tell her that I'll keep that info to myself or don't worry about it.
Did you ever wonder if maybe you were really the narcissist and you just couldn’t stand anyone thinking that they were better than you, even if in some ways they were? Is it a sadistic characteristic to want to make someone feel bad about their positive attributes and accomplishments, especially when you tell them untruths just because of your political, religious beliefs or personal ego? Do you feel like the only way to climb up is to stomp upon others? Other people may feel a lot for you, but they may have far less perception to cues than you do. You may think that you’re being obvious, but they may need you to type it out in plain English with no reading between the lines required. Everyone is not the same. The more that we can understand each other the more we can help each other and make a better world.
They probably can be if they try very hard to be emphatic but but that would open a big can of worms of all the other times they weren't emphatic. They have to keep up their facade regardless of the collateral damage in order to survive.
Hi Kati can you make a similar video for BPD? I mean things to never say to a person with BPD.
Get it! Do thier dirty laundry? 🤔 🤨🧐🧐🤨🤔🤔🤔!
I did number one with my godmother who I truly believe meets criteria for narcissism. She definitely hated that and she went into her rage! She gave me the silent treatment and ignored anything I said to her on WhatsApp. Really sad.
Could you do a thorough video on contamination OCD ?? Im pretty sure i have it and i wanna learn more about it
Haven’t met anyone with NPD
I don't think the basic summary of NPD really covers overt and covert NPD as they can present in very different ways. The grandiose in an overt narcissist can be someone who wears the best clothes, thinks they are amazing and will outwardly state it, a c overt narcissist may not be like that at all but will believe their needs are more important, act very selfishly, need to get the most sympathy,- be the most sick, the most affected etc. and be very manipulative about it.
Very true! Is there any type of therapy that can actually help a narcissist? It doesn't seem like there is.
It's a trap!
Hello! Got a question, so let’s say someone has a plan on when/how to take their own life. How would a therapist usually deal with being told this?
I had to distance myself from a friend because she was too much of a narcissist that it was effecting my life
I mean if they don’t care how we or how to respect boundaries then why should we use the tips not to piss them off ? Like these tips would further show they don’t deserve a place in anyone’s life at the end of it
Can’t live around these human empty souls ❤run
all of those sayings are what narcissists always say to people.
Hmmm, with the point about comparing the narcissist to others; no-one likes this to be honest, and they also do this a lot.