@@mirrorinsideout it's how you present it to them. Tell them there is a series that explains arrested developmetn in all the insecure attachment styles and the video on (insert your attachment style) was really eye opening for you.
Can you please do a video explaining if attachment styles - particularly the Dismissive Avoidant!!! - has any bearing or cause psychological sexual dysfunction, ie. male impotence, low / no libido (males and females).
Thais please do a video on anxiety , panic attacks, and limbic system dysregulation in people who date dismissive avoidants (whether the person affected by the DA is secure or any other style) and experience stonewalling and shut downs from DA's
This is so fascinating to me. I'm DA, and often described my defense mechanism as "freezing over" or "icing everyone out," which made me completely numb and detached from the world around me. I hate it because even though I don't feel *pain* in those moments, I know it hurts my partner, and makes me behave selfishly since my (poor) logic in that moment is that everyone should have to take care of themselves (which is obviously really harmful in a loving relationship.) Something that I've been working on is personifying the younger part of me and letting my emotions get translated by a more childish, and therefore simplified, voice, so I can talk to my partner as I feel the "ice" creeping up on me. Even the defense mechanism gets personified a little, I treat it like a wounded animal that wants to lash out - it isn't acting out to be cruel or cold, but because it associates vulnerability with DANGER. I don't know if this might help any other person with DA, it's an ongoing struggle, but it's helped me communicate what's going on to my fiance without making him feel anxious or ignored. I was an undiagnosed autistic kid until I got diagnosed in adulthood, my dad bullied me pretty viciously, my mum parentified me since my dad wasn't very reliable with my younger sister (and enabled a lot of his maltreatment) and I didn't hit certain emotional development milestones, so it's been a long time working against that in therapy. But my therapist recommended I listen to that little kid who was forced to shut up and self-sooth in a closet so no one could hear, giving that stunted part of me a voice so I could let them grow up. I apologize for writing an essay here, but in case it makes anyone else feel less lonely, it gave me a lot of comfort to find a way to melt the ice. Thank you for making this video! Having names for these things can be really validating and they're so important to talk about! ❤❤❤❤❤
❤️❤️ this comment. I am not DA (but do have slight DA behaviors from having a DA father and dating a DA(or FA), and your self soothing technique sounds great. I do a similar self soothing technique. I would love to bring this up to my DA, but afraid to. I have to figure a real casual way to weave into a convo.
Thank you for sharing, I wanted to know what it was like in the head of a DA. I could read you and listen to you for hours and the good news is that it's treatable. Good luck on your journey.
Thank you for another great video! I can't help but think that DAs are often well off in life, have interesting jobs, rich social circles, and keep themselves busy with various activities, they are often convinced that their childhood was very good and that they simply don't want commitment. When their relationships break down, it's never them, it's always the other person's fault for making it too intense and heavy, being too negative, or expecting too much. With such views on life, why would a DA decide to change anything? For what? Most of us begin our personal development after experiencing a lot of emotional pain and struggle, while DAs simply shut it off and move on to the next fantasy. Doesn't seem like they have any reasons to look inward. A DA told me: "I know it's impossible to be with me but I am happy, I love my life and I will never change anything" ...and I get it.
I don’t agree. The DAs I met struggle with addictions, have anger issues, struggle with relationship with family and friends, have no ambition and aren’t willing to work on themselves. I agree they think they are always right and blame others for their problems. They aren’t happy deep down!
@Miss P I agree, they often present an image to the world. My poor ex would, but he also would go into what he called "black holes" for days. He'd be in his room just thinking and thinking for days, being so frustrated at why he couldn't be the person he intellectually wanted to be. He didn't like how he hurt people, but felt unable to change. Other times he would be grandiose and say how the world would be a better place if everyone would do the same... learn to just self-sooothe and keep their messy emotions to themselves. Sad.
@@Pr_20 I agree. They build this wall of denial to stay in their poorly built wall of defenses. They create to shut others out and not face their demons. Extremely repressed anger, fears, disappointment, low self esteem and deep shame. They have layers and layers of coping habits. It's like they are stuck in a solisiptic fantasy world of their own as children and stay there. A world that has become a prison where their self hate bars them from experiencing real connection with another. My question is, how can they go on for years in this cycle 'living' like this with no real intimacy? Do they eventually have a breakdown? I'm trying to understand how they can keep going with so much emotional repression bubbling underneath while they robotically carry on while those who tried to love them carry the burden of the experience with them. How they can act like nothing is wrong but know somewhere inside there is something off? They seem to gaslight themselves in a way.
Omg this THE breakthrough I’ve needed. I’m showing this video to my therapist so she can help me work on this exact issue. I’m tired of feeling stuck in areas I no longer wanna be stuck in.
My mother is very avoidant emotionally she is a dismissive avoidant. My father is anxiously attached. I saw these attachments growing up and 34 years later I’m finally able to fully understand it. I am here to break the cycle and working through self awareness, noticing patterns and working on secure attachments with friendship, family and relationships. Thank you for the content.
It was really hard for me to get out of protection mode. It took a long time and a lot of situations until I could understand compleatly that there is no healing with the walls up. I never had any modeling for showing and feeling emotions. My whole family has always been really avoidant, so I felt a lot of shame around wanting and needing to feel my emotions. It was easy to rationalize everything for me, really hard to actually feel and allow myself to feel without any shame. I felt stuck for a long time trying to feel emotions, it sucked. I was missing a big part of my healing process: Moving and feeling my body. All those years trying to be as quiet and still really shaped the way I moved and felt my body. The first time I really felt it all was with anger. And then all the other emotions began to appear, slowly but surely. The sadness and pain I am capable to feel now is unimaginable to my past self, it was just so repressed and silenced, but never not there. It was also really hard starting to process reality, years, the time moving. I had a lot of beliefs about not being capable to do things. I got stuck in the years of my life when I was a child and could not change things around me even if I wanted to, even worse, I was carrying the feelings and responsabilities of the adults around me without a chance to actually create change. So I had learned that trying to change things meant frustation, stuckness, failure. Learning to allow others to give, and to give to them intentionaly is a really hard thing for DA'S. The needs I got covered in childhood felt really transactional, so it was really scary to actually trust, want and choose to ask to others for needs and actually trusting myself to be there for me. It is still scary, the ghost of avoidance and that part of me that was shut down comes back around sometimes. I try to listen to the motives, forgive and be with that part. Growing up being unseen most of my life the least I can do for me is to see me as I am and to give space to myself everyday, being present with me. Just sharing this to thank you for your channel, it is one of the tools and source of information that really helps to understand and connect with myself. And in case anyone needs to read about somebody changing these aspects of their life, it is a bumpy road but is totally worth it, you can do it and don't be ashamed or afraid to ask for help.
That is soooo true. Whenever my true emotional self connects with a man, he is badly mistaken to think that it is a grown woman who loves him. No, it’s my authentic emotional child self. And of course, it goes horribly wrong and I feel forced to flee because I feel horribly misunderstood. And of course my real need’s won’t be met this way. Thanks for this precious insight!!!
"You might see them be more selfish and self-oriented." That's literally the entire relationship with every DA I've ever known. You might as well take all your time, energy, and money and just set it on fire instead.
Why do you keep dating them if they’re the problem for you? What’s the common denominator? Maybe DAs see you as emotionally needy and that can be a kind of selfishness just as much as pulling away due to needing space and some privacy.
Agreed. It's truly the most exhausting thing and a big self-esteem killer. I'm on my way to success with a great career and seriously can't believe I'm watching another video on how to understand a DA.
Is there any hope? I’m 62 years old and watching these videos makes me feel like it’s too late for me too commit to somebody because there’s too much healing to do I’ll be dead by the time I am even remotely functional.
😂. I'm much younger & started on my healing journey 10 years ago & had similar thoughts around feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work in front of me. I didn't have a choice but to get to work bc it was either that or stay stuck. Best wishes.
Actually healing has nothing to do with time and more about willingness and awareness. Because it's 90% knowing what your mind and nervous system are doing and 10% practicing the desired behavior. And there's no time structure around that, maybe 21 days per behavior
This may be your most profoundly deep video....ever. And ALL your content is great. This explains so much of my ex-DA behavior, my jaw dropped for 16 min and 3 seconds.
OMG, thanks so much for using the example of anger for this video. My ex was extremely DA. I'm secure and DA. His anger was unbearable for me, i think because my dad is very similar. Anger scares me and was so triggering for me. I often wonder where it comes from. Thanks for explaining the back story of anger responses
Hi Thais, thank you so much for your work. The insights, tips & wisdom offered have contributed to my growth in a major way and I'm still going. Blessings to you & the PDS team🎉
Speaking as a DA, the only "Peter Pan Syndrome" you should hang onto is the belief that you can achieve your goals. As for everything else, you should speak fearlessly from your heart at ALL times and move with LOGIC.
It can be a strategy for never having to get close to close to someone. If you think there is always someone better out there, you can stay from not getting too close to current person.
Omg that is so me, and yeah after a few weeks in PDS, it’s a way to keep deep relationship away, plus “keep my options open”, because I just discovered I’m TERRIFIED of commitment even though I’ve wanted to be married my entire life. And yeah it’s also to keep me from knowing myself at all. For me personally, all relationships were painful as child, to myself, anyone in my family, friends, church, teachers. Everyone ended up being very hurtful or damaging So I can’t get close to anyone but I desperately crave it. So here I am in PDS. Thank you for asking that! I’ve been Wondering about that lately. Edit: historically I’ve had like NO self esteem whatsoever too. It’s pretty funny on hindsight all the mental gymnastics I’ve been doing for decades just to keep myself “safe”.
Having a spoiled childhood, with a very anxious fearful helicopter Mother who would not leave me alone or have any confidence in my ability and an explosive Narc Father who always talked over everyone and put others down really fudged me up. 40yo but feel like I am 19 half the time.
Thanks for this. Much more of the insightful content that I expect from this channel compared with the fearful avoidant video on Peter Pan syndrome which was uncharacteristically shallow and repetitive. This arrested inner child idea makes a lot of sense, especially amongst those who are otherwise functional adults- it can seem like such a jarring reversal.
Major trauma and a bunch of different coping strategies kicking into gear. Hopefully the more healthy ones and the person has the support needed to proces the experience.
I’m not one to get all offended by terms and slogans, but “Peter pan syndrome” is usually what I hear derogatorily. I do prefer arrested development because it makes a lot of sense. Peter Pan syndrome has typically been used by women against men for “not manning up and putting a ring on it”....although I’m sure the term has extended to women as well. Anyways, please consider this constructive feedback 😊
Here's the thing with DA or FA, when people get older and more mature then we stop waiting and chasing for your love and attention We just don't care So you can stay in your prison of your own making and continue to nurse your wounds LoL
Why is “growth” desirable exactly? Why the moral imperative to do so? This is why relationships are so deeply creepy and to be avoided. You just get preached at and bullied.
You actually don't "have" to have growth. You have free will and can do as you please. If you're happy alone, then do that. I've never heard someone describe a relationships as a whole creepy. 😆 I'm a FA so avoiding relationships feels safe to me, so I get that part. The thing is, unless you're celibate and choose a life alone, chances are you'll be attracted to and date many people in life so it actually is important to grow because now you're affecting others. Just because DA's can self sooth doesn't mean other attachment styles can and hurting other people, even by accident, is irresponsible. By hurt I mean showing a certain amount of interest causing the other person to form a bond, then pulling way back which leaves some confused and feeling defective. My 11 year old daughter said to her friend once "Just because you didn't mean to hurt my feelings doesn't mean it's okay that you did it." The reason I started watching these videos was because I realized that it wasn't okay how I was making others feel. I'm either strongly attached or completely avoidant. As for the preached at and bullied part, unless you're dating a complete jerk, when your partner comes to you with an issue it's not to preach, it's to resolve something that's triggering them. Not sure what you mean by bullied. I only associate that with an abusive person. But if you mean with a person expressing how they feel and you feel attacked then that's your perception. When I went to my ex DA with something, he would hear only a few words out of the entire conversation and twist it into something completely different then shut down. (I've done that too 🙃) He just did it again a few weeks ago. All I'm saying is that growth is important if you want other people in your life...even just temporarily.
We need to stop pretending dismissive avoidants aren't living the ideal lifestyle all should strive for and needing a partner and/or kids is somehow an optimal place to find oneself.
...yeah, because that's not really true lol. You're biased in thinking that. Majority of people do not think that is the ideal lifestyle and DAs HEAVILY believe *WHATEVER* they do is the optimal thing because they don't often share their true thoughts and feelings to get TRUE AND HONEST feedback on how the world sees them, not realizing how negatively they may be affecting others with their behaviors at work or in their personal lives. By the way, this is not me bashing DAs AT ALL -- I understand their dismissive behaviors and know they naturally can't help them -- but I am disagreeing with your statement that it's all we should STRIVE FOR...so , no, I won't stop pretending it's ideal, because it's not. I do agree that if one doesn't want to get married or have children and live the traditional familial lifestyle, they are very well entitled to that. But the main issue with the lifestyles of most DAs is they (unintentionally) shut out people who really love them, while coming off like they don't have love/feelings for us, when they actually do! We want them to feel independent but we also want to be able to *feel* the repressed love they claim to have for us, instead of us just intellectually "knowing" they do (FAs too). Compromise is a something that can be discussed; doesn't have to be "all or nothing."
@@kellikakes81 Why is it better to need others to bring contentment to your life as opposed to being able to thrive on your own? The need for interpersonal relationships is an unfortunate consequence of evolution. Those who can transcend this need are ultimately better for it. I'd be miserable if I couldn't do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and had to rely on others to be happy. I'll never be convinced that such a reliance is somehow an optimal way to live.
@@JeffCirillo Interpersonal relationships are optimal if you want to evolve, as you stated, or desire to be in relationships. Now if you don't want these two things, LIVE YOUR LIFE JUST AS YOU SEE FIT! Only issue is some DAs desire to still be in relationships, not understanding how most humans need waaaay more intimacy than they do. If you are DA but want intimacy, you need to compromise with your loved one and probably be a tad more intimate than you'd like, as well as your loved one needs to understand that you need more space than most, but you still love them. I live with a DA or FA and he does some "weird" stuff compared to what society would deem as normal, when it comes to how much alone time and space he needs, just randomly leaving to just be alone in his space. Everyone else in my life assumed he was going out to cheat (which he definitely could've been), when most times he just goes to a 24 hour diner to read and do work (he says middle of the night hours is sometimes the best time to work because there are little to no distractions and is when his brain works best). That is NOT USUAL BEHAVIOR, as far as how the majority of the world operates, but it took me a long time to learn that it's about his space and alone time. But he also makes an effort to make quality time for us to watch documentaries and movies together to have good discussions (which is how we bond), while I no longer trip about him needing space. A huge majority of people don't need as much space as DAs. I need my space too, so I understand to an extent, but he has me beat lol. My friends and family think I'm crazy dealing with someone with DA behaviors, but I can handle it better than most. Live your life without people if you desire, but don't crave intimacy with another then apply your "distant ways" with that person without explanations and compromise, is all I'm saying because DA behaviors are not ideal for most, due to evolution, as you stated. Our bodies are literally wired for connection, whether we like it or not.
That’s not true at all. In fact that would lead to everyone dying out. And humans are built for relationship. Edit: plus you are dependent on other humans. You buy your food at the grocery store? So many people before you in history and present day created that circumstance for you. Did you build your home? Even if you did, you probably bought all the materials from others, and the techniques used were developed over centuries. You are in fact very dependent on others. You just for some reason don’t want to acknowledge that.
Dismissive Avoidant's, does this resonate with you?
Yes Thais always explains things accurately!
Would it be triggering to a DA's "I'm defective" wound to be told about this?
@@mirrorinsideout it's how you present it to them. Tell them there is a series that explains arrested developmetn in all the insecure attachment styles and the video on (insert your attachment style) was really eye opening for you.
Can you please do a video explaining if attachment styles - particularly the Dismissive Avoidant!!! - has any bearing or cause psychological sexual dysfunction, ie. male impotence, low / no libido (males and females).
Thais please do a video on anxiety , panic attacks, and limbic system dysregulation in people who date dismissive avoidants (whether the person affected by the DA is secure or any other style) and experience stonewalling and shut downs from DA's
"when we are self protecting, we are not growing" so wise lovely.
This is so fascinating to me. I'm DA, and often described my defense mechanism as "freezing over" or "icing everyone out," which made me completely numb and detached from the world around me. I hate it because even though I don't feel *pain* in those moments, I know it hurts my partner, and makes me behave selfishly since my (poor) logic in that moment is that everyone should have to take care of themselves (which is obviously really harmful in a loving relationship.)
Something that I've been working on is personifying the younger part of me and letting my emotions get translated by a more childish, and therefore simplified, voice, so I can talk to my partner as I feel the "ice" creeping up on me. Even the defense mechanism gets personified a little, I treat it like a wounded animal that wants to lash out - it isn't acting out to be cruel or cold, but because it associates vulnerability with DANGER.
I don't know if this might help any other person with DA, it's an ongoing struggle, but it's helped me communicate what's going on to my fiance without making him feel anxious or ignored. I was an undiagnosed autistic kid until I got diagnosed in adulthood, my dad bullied me pretty viciously, my mum parentified me since my dad wasn't very reliable with my younger sister (and enabled a lot of his maltreatment) and I didn't hit certain emotional development milestones, so it's been a long time working against that in therapy.
But my therapist recommended I listen to that little kid who was forced to shut up and self-sooth in a closet so no one could hear, giving that stunted part of me a voice so I could let them grow up. I apologize for writing an essay here, but in case it makes anyone else feel less lonely, it gave me a lot of comfort to find a way to melt the ice.
Thank you for making this video! Having names for these things can be really validating and they're so important to talk about! ❤❤❤❤❤
❤️❤️ this comment. I am not DA (but do have slight DA behaviors from having a DA father and dating a DA(or FA), and your self soothing technique sounds great. I do a similar self soothing technique. I would love to bring this up to my DA, but afraid to. I have to figure a real casual way to weave into a convo.
This was very meaningful insight. Thank you 😊
thanks for explaining that 'freeze over' thing.
Thank you for sharing, I wanted to know what it was like in the head of a DA. I could read you and listen to you for hours and the good news is that it's treatable. Good luck on your journey.
@snow thanks for sharing this, it helps others understand
Thank you for another great video!
I can't help but think that DAs are often well off in life, have interesting jobs, rich social circles, and keep themselves busy with various activities, they are often convinced that their childhood was very good and that they simply don't want commitment. When their relationships break down, it's never them, it's always the other person's fault for making it too intense and heavy, being too negative, or expecting too much. With such views on life, why would a DA decide to change anything? For what?
Most of us begin our personal development after experiencing a lot of emotional pain and struggle, while DAs simply shut it off and move on to the next fantasy. Doesn't seem like they have any reasons to look inward. A DA told me: "I know it's impossible to be with me but I am happy, I love my life and I will never change anything" ...and I get it.
💯
I don’t agree. The DAs I met struggle with addictions, have anger issues, struggle with relationship with family and friends, have no ambition and aren’t willing to work on themselves. I agree they think they are always right and blame others for their problems. They aren’t happy deep down!
They know deep down they are not happy or fulfilled. They often make their lives interesting enough to stay busy but love is never on the table.
@Miss P I agree, they often present an image to the world. My poor ex would, but he also would go into what he called "black holes" for days. He'd be in his room just thinking and thinking for days, being so frustrated at why he couldn't be the person he intellectually wanted to be. He didn't like how he hurt people, but felt unable to change. Other times he would be grandiose and say how the world would be a better place if everyone would do the same... learn to just self-sooothe and keep their messy emotions to themselves. Sad.
@@Pr_20 I agree. They build this wall of denial to stay in their poorly built wall of defenses. They create to shut others out and not face their demons. Extremely repressed anger, fears, disappointment, low self esteem
and deep shame. They have layers and layers of coping habits. It's like they are stuck in a solisiptic fantasy world of their own as children and stay there. A world that has become a prison where their self hate bars them from experiencing real connection with another. My question is, how can they go on for years in this cycle 'living' like this with no real intimacy? Do they eventually have a breakdown? I'm trying to understand how they can keep going with so much emotional repression bubbling underneath while they robotically carry on while those who tried to love them carry the burden of the experience with them. How they can act like nothing is wrong but know somewhere inside there is something off? They seem to gaslight themselves in a way.
Omg this THE breakthrough I’ve needed. I’m showing this video to my therapist so she can help me work on this exact issue. I’m tired of feeling stuck in areas I no longer wanna be stuck in.
Glad this was helpful! Good luck on your healing, you can do this!
My mother is very avoidant emotionally she is a dismissive avoidant. My father is anxiously attached. I saw these attachments growing up and 34 years later I’m finally able to fully understand it. I am here to break the cycle and working through self awareness, noticing patterns and working on secure attachments with friendship, family and relationships. Thank you for the content.
It was really hard for me to get out of protection mode. It took a long time and a lot of situations until I could understand compleatly that there is no healing with the walls up.
I never had any modeling for showing and feeling emotions.
My whole family has always been really avoidant, so I felt a lot of shame around wanting and needing to feel my emotions.
It was easy to rationalize everything for me, really hard to actually feel and allow myself to feel without any shame.
I felt stuck for a long time trying to feel emotions, it sucked.
I was missing a big part of my healing process: Moving and feeling my body.
All those years trying to be as quiet and still really shaped the way I moved and felt my body.
The first time I really felt it all was with anger.
And then all the other emotions began to appear, slowly but surely.
The sadness and pain I am capable to feel now is unimaginable to my past self, it was just so repressed and silenced, but never not there.
It was also really hard starting to process reality, years, the time moving.
I had a lot of beliefs about not being capable to do things.
I got stuck in the years of my life when I was a child and could not change things around me even if I wanted to, even worse,
I was carrying the feelings and responsabilities of the adults around me without a chance to actually create change.
So I had learned that trying to change things meant frustation, stuckness, failure.
Learning to allow others to give, and to give to them intentionaly is a really hard thing for DA'S.
The needs I got covered in childhood felt really transactional, so it was really scary to actually trust, want and choose to ask to others for needs and actually trusting myself to be there for me.
It is still scary, the ghost of avoidance and that part of me that was shut down comes back around sometimes.
I try to listen to the motives, forgive and be with that part.
Growing up being unseen most of my life the least I can do for me is to see me as I am and to give space to myself everyday, being present with me.
Just sharing this to thank you for your channel, it is one of the tools and source of information that really helps to understand and connect with myself.
And in case anyone needs to read about somebody changing these aspects of their life, it is a bumpy road but is totally worth it, you can do it and don't be ashamed or afraid to ask for help.
Like reading my exact life story. Thanks for sharing.
Ouch. As a DA, this stung a bit, but at the same time, exactly what I needed to hear. I’m going to sit with this instead of pushing it down.
That is soooo true. Whenever my true emotional self connects with a man, he is badly mistaken to think that it is a grown woman who loves him. No, it’s my authentic emotional child self. And of course, it goes horribly wrong and I feel forced to flee because I feel horribly misunderstood. And of course my real need’s won’t be met this way.
Thanks for this precious insight!!!
Are you maybe FA leaning DA like me?
I've been in survival/self preservation mode my entire conscious life.
"You might see them be more selfish and self-oriented." That's literally the entire relationship with every DA I've ever known. You might as well take all your time, energy, and money and just set it on fire instead.
Why do you keep dating them if they’re the problem for you? What’s the common denominator? Maybe DAs see you as emotionally needy and that can be a kind of selfishness just as much as pulling away due to needing space and some privacy.
Agreed. It's truly the most exhausting thing and a big self-esteem killer. I'm on my way to success with a great career and seriously can't believe I'm watching another video on how to understand a DA.
@ How to Sober. I prefer take all my time, energy & money and invest it in myself.
Is there any hope? I’m 62 years old and watching these videos makes me feel like it’s too late for me too commit to somebody because there’s too much healing to do I’ll be dead by the time I am even remotely functional.
😂. I'm much younger & started on my healing journey 10 years ago & had similar thoughts around feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work in front of me. I didn't have a choice but to get to work bc it was either that or stay stuck. Best wishes.
Actually healing has nothing to do with time and more about willingness and awareness. Because it's 90% knowing what your mind and nervous system are doing and 10% practicing the desired behavior. And there's no time structure around that, maybe 21 days per behavior
Become healthy mentally and physically and live longer. Stop being a victim is your 1st challenge. Good Luck with your growth.
Glad you’re going to do an FA version of this. I’m FA turning 50 and been going through this all my life.
This may be your most profoundly deep video....ever. And ALL your content is great.
This explains so much of my ex-DA behavior, my jaw dropped for 16 min and 3 seconds.
Thais recently did a webinar on this and it was amazing! A PDS student recommended this topic and I though it was great!
OMG, thanks so much for using the example of anger for this video. My ex was extremely DA. I'm secure and DA. His anger was unbearable for me, i think because my dad is very similar. Anger scares me and was so triggering for me. I often wonder where it comes from. Thanks for explaining the back story of anger responses
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and expertise!
✌❤🌎
Really good insight here
Hi Thais, thank you so much for your work. The insights, tips & wisdom offered have contributed to my growth in a major way and I'm still going. Blessings to you & the PDS team🎉
Very interesting and well explained. Thank you!
You're very welcome :)
Great video, thank you!
You're very welcome :)
So very helpful, thank you!
You're welcome!
Speaking as a DA, the only "Peter Pan Syndrome" you should hang onto is the belief that you can achieve your goals. As for everything else, you should speak fearlessly from your heart at ALL times and move with LOGIC.
Do FAs also look for the "perfect partner" because they've shut down the side of sharing their feelings and asking for help?
It can be a strategy for never having to get close to close to someone. If you think there is always someone better out there, you can stay from not getting too close to current person.
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Makes sense. Trying to be perfect themselves, is that a way to stay from not getting too close to themselves too?
@@lifecoachingtoronto - Great question.
Omg that is so me, and yeah after a few weeks in PDS, it’s a way to keep deep relationship away, plus “keep my options open”, because I just discovered I’m TERRIFIED of commitment even though I’ve wanted to be married my entire life. And yeah it’s also to keep me from knowing myself at all. For me personally, all relationships were painful as child, to myself, anyone in my family, friends, church, teachers. Everyone ended up being very hurtful or damaging So I can’t get close to anyone but I desperately crave it.
So here I am in PDS.
Thank you for asking that! I’ve been Wondering about that lately.
Edit: historically I’ve had like NO self esteem whatsoever too. It’s pretty funny on hindsight all the mental gymnastics I’ve been doing for decades just to keep myself “safe”.
Amazing video
Having a spoiled childhood, with a very anxious fearful helicopter Mother who would not leave me alone or have any confidence in my ability and an explosive Narc Father who always talked over everyone and put others down really fudged me up. 40yo but feel like I am 19 half the time.
I'm not froz- 🥶
😂
Hahahahaha
😂😂😂😂😂😂
This is so interesting. It really makes alot of sense.
'Girls just wanna have fun'.
Cindy Lauper
My mother is a fearful avoidant, ... she has no range to grow. So why did I end up here. 💜 I love her videos!!
Thanks for this. Much more of the insightful content that I expect from this channel compared with the fearful avoidant video on Peter Pan syndrome which was uncharacteristically shallow and repetitive. This arrested inner child idea makes a lot of sense, especially amongst those who are otherwise functional adults- it can seem like such a jarring reversal.
I've always wondered why I like Peter pan... its coz I am him!!! Just wish I could fly 🙁
Just described a person with NPD.
The passive aggressive communication to axis conflict is honestly disgusted because like what you wanna fight or sumn 🤔
When i am around some men i get frozen, i think because i was molested as child
Definitely have been in Elsa mode the majority of my life 😬
Do you wanna build a snowman😆
What happens to a man that witnessed his mother's suicide at 18
Major trauma and a bunch of different coping strategies kicking into gear. Hopefully the more healthy ones and the person has the support needed to proces the experience.
How do you like me now thuggies from my middle school I am now a film producer with a level one degree
Todays 2025 ad video games are monsters seriously compared to the 1990s ad which are these days considered downright tame and saintly
First Karen’s and now this Peter pans phenomenon
👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿🔥💣🎤
I’m not one to get all offended by terms and slogans, but “Peter pan syndrome” is usually what I hear derogatorily. I do prefer arrested development because it makes a lot of sense.
Peter Pan syndrome has typically been used by women against men for “not manning up and putting a ring on it”....although I’m sure the term has extended to women as well.
Anyways, please consider this constructive feedback 😊
There’s no growth outside of your comfort zone except your pants size
They also fear being engulfed and absorbed by the other person
Here's the thing with DA or FA, when people get older and more mature then we stop waiting and chasing for your love and attention
We just don't care
So you can stay in your prison of your own making and continue to nurse your wounds
LoL
my husband is DA and Not a Peter Pan. He is so not that .
You know what is worse than Peter pan syndrome? When people use vocal fry on purpose when they talk.
Why is “growth” desirable exactly? Why the moral imperative to do so? This is why relationships are so deeply creepy and to be avoided. You just get preached at and bullied.
You actually don't "have" to have growth. You have free will and can do as you please. If you're happy alone, then do that. I've never heard someone describe a relationships as a whole creepy. 😆 I'm a FA so avoiding relationships feels safe to me, so I get that part. The thing is, unless you're celibate and choose a life alone, chances are you'll be attracted to and date many people in life so it actually is important to grow because now you're affecting others. Just because DA's can self sooth doesn't mean other attachment styles can and hurting other people, even by accident, is irresponsible. By hurt I mean showing a certain amount of interest causing the other person to form a bond, then pulling way back which leaves some confused and feeling defective. My 11 year old daughter said to her friend once "Just because you didn't mean to hurt my feelings doesn't mean it's okay that you did it."
The reason I started watching these videos was because I realized that it wasn't okay how I was making others feel. I'm either strongly attached or completely avoidant.
As for the preached at and bullied part, unless you're dating a complete jerk, when your partner comes to you with an issue it's not to preach, it's to resolve something that's triggering them. Not sure what you mean by bullied. I only associate that with an abusive person. But if you mean with a person expressing how they feel and you feel attacked then that's your perception. When I went to my ex DA with something, he would hear only a few words out of the entire conversation and twist it into something completely different then shut down. (I've done that too 🙃) He just did it again a few weeks ago. All I'm saying is that growth is important if you want other people in your life...even just temporarily.
Then stop trying to have relationships. It's not fair to the other person
We need to stop pretending dismissive avoidants aren't living the ideal lifestyle all should strive for and needing a partner and/or kids is somehow an optimal place to find oneself.
...yeah, because that's not really true lol. You're biased in thinking that. Majority of people do not think that is the ideal lifestyle and DAs HEAVILY believe *WHATEVER* they do is the optimal thing because they don't often share their true thoughts and feelings to get TRUE AND HONEST feedback on how the world sees them, not realizing how negatively they may be affecting others with their behaviors at work or in their personal lives.
By the way, this is not me bashing DAs AT ALL -- I understand their dismissive behaviors and know they naturally can't help them -- but I am disagreeing with your statement that it's all we should STRIVE FOR...so , no, I won't stop pretending it's ideal, because it's not.
I do agree that if one doesn't want to get married or have children and live the traditional familial lifestyle, they are very well entitled to that. But the main issue with the lifestyles of most DAs is they (unintentionally) shut out people who really love them, while coming off like they don't have love/feelings for us, when they actually do!
We want them to feel independent but we also want to be able to *feel* the repressed love they claim to have for us, instead of us just intellectually "knowing" they do (FAs too). Compromise is a something that can be discussed; doesn't have to be "all or nothing."
@@kellikakes81 Why is it better to need others to bring contentment to your life as opposed to being able to thrive on your own? The need for interpersonal relationships is an unfortunate consequence of evolution. Those who can transcend this need are ultimately better for it. I'd be miserable if I couldn't do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and had to rely on others to be happy. I'll never be convinced that such a reliance is somehow an optimal way to live.
@@JeffCirillo Interpersonal relationships are optimal if you want to evolve, as you stated, or desire to be in relationships. Now if you don't want these two things, LIVE YOUR LIFE JUST AS YOU SEE FIT! Only issue is some DAs desire to still be in relationships, not understanding how most humans need waaaay more intimacy than they do. If you are DA but want intimacy, you need to compromise with your loved one and probably be a tad more intimate than you'd like, as well as your loved one needs to understand that you need more space than most, but you still love them.
I live with a DA or FA and he does some "weird" stuff compared to what society would deem as normal, when it comes to how much alone time and space he needs, just randomly leaving to just be alone in his space. Everyone else in my life assumed he was going out to cheat (which he definitely could've been), when most times he just goes to a 24 hour diner to read and do work (he says middle of the night hours is sometimes the best time to work because there are little to no distractions and is when his brain works best). That is NOT USUAL BEHAVIOR, as far as how the majority of the world operates, but it took me a long time to learn that it's about his space and alone time. But he also makes an effort to make quality time for us to watch documentaries and movies together to have good discussions (which is how we bond), while I no longer trip about him needing space. A huge majority of people don't need as much space as DAs. I need my space too, so I understand to an extent, but he has me beat lol. My friends and family think I'm crazy dealing with someone with DA behaviors, but I can handle it better than most.
Live your life without people if you desire, but don't crave intimacy with another then apply your "distant ways" with that person without explanations and compromise, is all I'm saying because DA behaviors are not ideal for most, due to evolution, as you stated. Our bodies are literally wired for connection, whether we like it or not.
That’s not true at all. In fact that would lead to everyone dying out. And humans are built for relationship.
Edit: plus you are dependent on other humans. You buy your food at the grocery store? So many people before you in history and present day created that circumstance for you. Did you build your home? Even if you did, you probably bought all the materials from others, and the techniques used were developed over centuries.
You are in fact very dependent on others. You just for some reason don’t want to acknowledge that.