metal garurumon codependents are people who were brought up by one or more people that were unhappy or unbalanced or even exposed to a narcissist. Where saying no or disagreeing was not looked upon kindly. Codependency means you were in a relationship where you were dependent on eaxh other to maintain the thing. Unfulfilled.. as in unfulfilled in their life in some way. Thereby taking out their unhappiness on others by forcing them to behave in a certain manner. It is possible to heal from it ☺ just takes time and persistence
Being nice when you cant stand up for what you believe is weak, choosing to remain nice despite of being capable to stand up for what you believe is truly strong
Kindness is getting me nowhere.Being nice is not working for me anymore.I'm 19 and I've been entirely too nice my whole life.I'm working now and my coworkers and manager try to take advantage of me because they know I can't say no.People don't take my friendship seriously either because I'm too nice and they think that they can treat me anyway and I'll always be there.IM SICK OF THIS.You'd think people would appreciate your kindness but they literally don't.I'm no longer about to be nice.I'm about to slowly ease into being rude .Not rude for no reason,but rude to the people that deserve it and think they can take advantage of me and walk all over me!
SCORPICAL don't change your good heartedness. You're streets ahead of a big portion of the population. So trust in your goodness and trust in your gut feelings and put yourself first. Putting yourself first doesn't mean selfishness it means honoring your needs when you have them. You're a naturally giving person but when you really don't want to do something, don't do it. In your relationships start saying what it is you want. Start simple eg. Going to a movie and your friend says what shall we see, instead of saying I don't mind what we see or something to that effect, pick something. It's about making small steps in expressing 'your choice in things'. You will train yourself bit by bit to express your choices. Just make it a fun exercise and you will get the hang of it. And another thing is you probably don't ask for help much because you are self reliant but start asking for help in small ways. Eg. if something is really heavy to carry and you really would like to have help, don't soldier on. Ask for help. It's too heavy. You need help. End of story. Just by doing these 2 things you will experience more joy and support. People will start to get to know you by your choices but most importantly you will become very self aware of what you need and what makes you happy. You won't be a constant giver but will also receive in life too and this is key to a happier life. Please try these 2 small suggestions they WILL change how you're feeling and you will also keep your beautiful kind heart which is a gift to this world.
This is soooo me now. I was being too nice as well but it ruined my whole life upto now. Now people think I have changed a lot amd forgot the past even I'm not. But fuck sake, I don't give a shit now. That's old me. Not new me
Being a naturally genuinely nice person is very hard bc ppl do naturally see it as a weakness. It took me years to put my foot down but once you get there it’s the best feeling in the world. I used to get so upset with ppl and not understand how they don’t view themselves as takers without a shred of guilt. I quickly learned that’s just the way some ppl are. There are givers and takers and ppl with a healthy balance of both (which we should all strive for).
Growing up with abusive parents and having been in a relationship with someone who blew up at everything, I became overly concerned with what others think - from worrying about hurting their feelings to worrying about whether they think I'm a decent person. It's absolutely draining. It got to the point where I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm just behaving so that I don't offend anyone or appear like a bad person to others. I AM TIRED OF IT. Learning to trust myself is the solution to my problem. If I trust that I'm okay, I'm a good person, and I'm being fair and reasonable, I don't have to worry so much about whether someone will be unreasonably upset by something I say or do. I don't have to worry about what they think of me. I know who I am, I accept myself, and that's all it matters. The people giving me a hard time for being myself were disrespecting me and manipulating me into doing what they want. After years of abuse, it takes a lot of practice and reminders to STOP DEFAULTING TO WORRYING ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK AND FEEL. I just wish I had known this sooner. I was living under the mercy of what others thought until I was 35.
being nice isnt "always about fear" some people genually dont mind doing some things and are just nice and helpful naturally lol. but there's a differece if your weak and shy compared to just being too nice.
I use to be like that at my work but one day I let them have it. I was their hardest working employee, they knew it and I knew it. They have me on registers all day and then complained because the other work was not done. I told them that I can’t be 5 places at once and they need to be realistic. They got mad and told me to listen and I got louder and I said You listen for once! I work harder than anyone here and I help everyone out and no one helps me out! I’m tired of this and I’ll walk out and quit and you can stay over. Good luck trying to find someone that’s going to work half as good as me! I thought that I was going to get fired or they were just going to be like “bye” but they got scared and apologized to me and told me not to worry the rest of the night.
I'm too freaking nice!!! I hate it! instead of saying "no" I always say "yes" especially at work people take advantage of me because I wouldn't turn down anyone because I don't want them to feel bad, only to end up feeling bad about myself. One of my friends actually pointed this out and he told me that I'm fake. Wtf?! I'm just living my life trying to not get into any conflict then all of a sudden, I'm fucking fake because I'm being nice?! I need to end this shit and bring out the badass in me. 😠😠😠
Crazy world. everyone is trying to take advantage of each other. Nice people can’t survive in this. It comes with the agreeableness trait (Jordon Peterson). So this is what I’ve learned to do after having been taken advantage of until my late 20s by my parents, siblings, friends, Work bosses, peers, and even church family (it was a very nasty experience that I let happen multiple times because I was too nice to address the other types of people (“mean people”?) 1) be selfish - think about yourself first, your goals, your desires. As hard as it sounds, remember, the person asking you a favor or taking advantage of you is doing the same thing. 2) solo ride - from a song, it’s just me, myself and I. Don’t relay on anyone, become extremely independent. So when someone flakes on you, your not shipped wrecked because you weren’t relaying on them to be there anyways. 3) push back - no one ever said you have to do something for them. Your not bound by law (unless contracted) or by force. If they try to leverage their friendship, then this is someone who doesn’t care about you or your friendship. Distance yourself from them, and research narcissistic and manipulative traits. 100% guarantee they are using these strategies against you. Red Flag! Get away from them or emotionally distance yourself. Also (3A) grow some teeth, people learn behavior modification. When they feel you have some teeth and will standup for yourself, they will realize they can’t push you around anymore and will go find some other weaker being to manipulate and take advantage of. Be careful and realize they will try to pin this on you and say you are mean or rude in order to justify to themselves and the group that your friendship is no longer worth it, ( they will even “gaslight” you to do this). Cover your ass by having things in writing (email or text) when appropriate and or voice recording (app on your phone). Crazy, I know, but these little basters are even crazier and the only way to expose them and up them, is to think even crazier. Know their tricks so well that you can use them against them. And then be nice to people who are really worth it and that you are able to get something in return for (1=1, not 1=0). BONUS: realize it’s terribly hard to find honest, loyal and trustworthy people in the world, in your life. If you find them, hold on to that friendship, and if they are that kinda of special, marry them.
I grew to hate people for one reason.....they constantly mistake kindness for weakness, & TRY to use my kindness as a weapon against me. As a result, I tell everyone NO. The result is I live alone. My toxic "friends" & "family" are no longer part of my life. I am sick of being used. So I'm done!
I got so much more benefit from reading all the great comments here than I️ did from watching the actual video 😆. Thank you people!!! Let’s all get more comfy with conflict :) bring it on...no more mr nice girl/guy. Here’s to Truth & Authenticity !! 🥂
I started setting more boundaries. I have a sister who never plans her visits ahead. Texts me the day she wants to get together. I told her I need two days advance planning. I set a boundary and now she never contacts me. This also happened to my supposed best friend. Once I told them I need advanced planning because I have a full life and can't drop everything last minute, I don't hear from them. They were both selfish beoootches who didn't have any respect for my time. They only thought about themselves. I have less stress now and don't miss the constant texts and interruptions. It's sad that they only want to get together on their terms. I no longer am a people pleaser. No is my favorite word and it started around age 35.
I just see the difference between being nice and being kind. They're not the same to me. Being nice is more of a behavior that people project to other people; being kind is a person's character. People don't seem to value kindness at all in general. They value popularity or being famous nowadays.
My parents didn’t appreciate my speaking up before. They would beat me whenever i disobey when i was younger. Ive become tight lipped and the burden only grows within me. It’s difficult to be a parent. The world evelves and some of what I’ve been taught are already outdated by the time I hit adulthood. I’m so confused with who I am now. Success is waiting for those who are cunning and strategic, not kind and well-mannered.
The phrase I've heard that accurately describes what he's talking about is "people pleasing" at the expense of one's own dignity and self respect. I can still be a nice and kind person who is authentic and sets boundaries with people the question is will I still be liked and/or will the relationship stay the same once I address a conflict or speak my inconvenient truth about something I'm not comfortable with?
I was a chronic niceaholic up until I was 38 years old. By that point I was stretched so thin helping everyone ( some who wouldn't give me the time of day once I got them on their feet) that I finally started saying NO. If I didn't want to do something, I wouldn't make excuses, I would simply say, no. If asked why I would respond with, " Why should it matter? If I told you why would you gauge whether or not my reason was good enough? Just leave it at no. I have my reasons. The other thing, besides saying no, was to set limitations on how much help you are willing/ able to lend. Before, I figured " In for a penny, in for a pound" and continue helping " until the job was done", usually at the expense of my own time I could have spent with friends or taking night classes at college. I've felt so much better and people stopped leaning on me so heavily. Learning to say no and setting limitations are the two most valuable lessons I've learned the hard way.
Dang! I'm so using that response. I hate it when I say 'no' to pushy, overbearing people and then get that question, 'why?' Often times that makes me feel so uncomfortable that I will say, "yes" so as not to come off as mean. People have been telling me that I'm too nice since I was little.
Kindness to good people is awesome. Kindness to bullies or scum is not worth it. Best solution to bullies is confrontation. Straight up in the bully's face confrontation is best.
It's not fake at all, being nice. When one's caracter is kind hearted and soft, then it's truely authentic and cherishable. The problem is that nowadays nastiness is being cultivated by too many. Kindness and being truely nice is often seen as a weakness! It is not so though!! On the contrary. Besides, one shldn't jump into a conflict just to state one's point. Avoiding conflicts and trying to solve issues another way is highly intelligent and better for all. Afcourse, alas, at times one has to.put one's foot down on the brake. Peace.
Ambriel Apps I do like your perception, this is exactly how I feel: Unfortunately, my kindness is not always welcomed and my character and strength is often undermined. Some even consider me as a narcissistic people pleaser, yet I'm not, I'm simply genuinely kind, it's how I was brought up. Today, I often feel out of place.
mrebholz Thanks for your opinion and exchange. Yes, the few people on this planet, like you and me, are often misunderstood or very wrongly interpreted. That's due to their faulty education, society, and later distorted viewpoints. For us, it's challenging to keep in track, and often very difficult to cope with the harshness and extreem unkindness between humans, but this also enables us to spiritually evolve and to show others that true kindness is possible and not wrong! 😉😏 You know who you are and what your are doing is good. Just be careful not to go too far in giving, (I know that's hard, and contrary to your nature, but boundaries are vital), nor to loose yourself in other peoples perverted way of being. Always ground yourself to Mother Earth, and be blessed by the Celestial White Light of God's Universe. 😊 Peace. 😙
No one is being nasty, they just hate the good for the sake of the good, but not being nasty to them doesn't work, I will be mean for your own good, I will be mean because it saves you from the mess you're in. I will kick ass being a gentleman and make it cool again. :)
So glad when I typed 'how to not be too nice' that vlogs actually exist. I'm sick of my wanting everything to be okay because I'm uncomfortable with conflict also. I just want to be authentic💖
I believe, one of the reasons I developed chronic fatigue syndrome & fibromyalgia is that I was too nice, non-assertive, doormat, people-pleaser but was burning from inside. I had to say 'NO' to relationships (including my siblings) with those you were too several pushy type personalities or aggressive. Life's has got better since. I still need to work a lot of work to become more assertive.
I suspect a lot of people are too nice because they lack the ability to judge what is appropriate behaviour. So they just go with whatever is optimal to the other person in order to avoid being considered a jerk.
Thank you very much for this video, it’s 100% accurate on what happens when your intentions is to be nice but in the long run you’re only hurting yourself and in some ways deceiving the other person, even though your intentions were to be nice and avoid conflict.
Dr Hyman, the only thing I have to say that you could have talked a little bit about, is how holding things in, and 'lying " to yourself and others, can affect your health adversely.. stress, stifling your emotions, suppressing anger and frustration and anxiety, can have various consequences on your physical and mental and emotional health.. thank you
Agreed. My father is a narcissist and can't take criticism. He needs everyone to rubber-stamp his ideas until he decides they don't work. I feel anxiety around him sometimes because I can't give him constructive criticism. The best thing is to have a balance between constant sweetness and flattery, and brutal honesty.
PlusHeight4PlusGut I'm going through it right here with you. I decided tonight's the night I cut contact. Narcs are what they are and as you know, they don't give a fuck about you. You need to start giving a fuck about YOU. I hope you can find peace. Stay strong.
Of course it's also possible that you are arrogant, so if others don't agree with your "constructive criticism" you can't stand it. You have to right to say whatever, and others also have the right to reject it.
This is also why I will be mean to my mother, being polite but mean, and unfriendly. :) I will use bad manners by being polite, no more good manners, my niceness is what people use to abuse me. I will be outraged at an ultimatum, I will not agree and say yes anymore! I will be mean and say fuck you and justify my moral behaviour. :)
"Not telling them how it really is is a form of manipulation" - Definitely agree. Being nice out of wanting something in return and "punishing" oneself and the other person by resenting them and subconsciously accusing them of not doing what you indirectly expected them to do is actually like a full-blown emotional manipulation that creates drama. It's so common today, though, and really important to learn to catch and release that needy and manipulative feeling before acting it out
This is the most important message from a video that applies to me. It's the number 1 area I'm lacking in and I'm working on it. Dr. Hyman you explained it so well. Thank you for opening up about this.
Dang this is me. 😫 Never quite had it put in this perspective. I'm going to try to fight the temptation. I always thought it was to spare people's feelings...taking the higher ground. But you're right it's not authentic and it's a form of lying. Whoa! Gonna take some work, but when I'm tempted to be too nice I'm just going to take a deep breath and think "authentic."
The distinction is not between being "nice" and being "mean." It's a distinction between being a doormat for other people to take advantage of and being "real" and having personal boundaries that prevent others from taking advantage of you.
I don't necessarily think not speaking has to do with niceness. You can be nice and speak up. Anyway, this is still a good topic to learn nonetheless, in terms of being assertive. I think the difficult part is the idea that some people just don't change, so you have to just separate yourself from them.
clear mist you've already got the base of his point, then. It is more genuinely nice to tell someone yes when you want to, for example. But a lot of people feel obligated (myself included) and take on more than they can actually handle. That's the "nice" he's talking about.
Ink C, yeah, but I feel like a lot of times, this slight sacrifice can be useful or not that bad. Meaning, in life we have to sometimes deal with people and you can't really change the situation, so it really doesn't matter what you are. Being assertive doesn't make that much of a difference, so you just go through the motions. I guess what I mean is that that extra "sacrifice" is not really that much of a sacrifice. The other side to this is that if you're constantly worried about ever displaying any sort of weakness of any kind, you might get yourself into fights that are just not worth getting into. Often times, if you're just dealing with someone that you just see every once in awhile (at a workplace, school) or that you're never gonna see again (public place), it's almost always best to just avoid or be nice or just escape. Now, on the other hand, if you're dealing with someone toxic in your life or someone that you have to be around, and it turns into an abusive situation, then yes that can be a case where you have to stand up or just cut off ties with that person or continue to avoid.
I think there is a difference on being polite and being nice. You can always be polite even when you stop being nice. Unfortunately when people is too nice, it could be interpreted as a form of manipulation while being polite is a form of showing respect
Thank you, I needed this! When I tell the truth my extended family have become angry at me. They hate anything to be dealt with directly. Being so nice never got me anywhere so I evaluate better when to be nice.
It seems like one of the themes in my life is to stand up for myself over and over again. I've slowly learned how to do so in a way that feels right for me. I don't want to be a B, I don't want to be hard or nasty. I've been able to speak up for myself with measured understanding, respect and authority. Ultimately it has a lot to do with learning to communicate effectively and authentically. It feels right and gives me a sense of self respect. It took at least two decades though and is still a work in progress.
I agree and I try to live this, yet, it has the draw back of really offending and hurting people. Not very many people can handle it, There are times and situations, I have to hold back the truth as not to irrevocably damage certain relationships that are important to others around me. You have to be careful. There is a time and place to shell out raw truth. Human beings, capable of flawed and distorted judgement, will always wrestle with these issues. Take each situation in context and not having a list of responses already set is important. Not every situation warrants the same method of response. That’s called wisdom..using knowledge and intuition to choose strategy. Be honest, but be cautious.
I feel like a damn coward, and I'm always mad at myself for being too nice....even when I know the person is totally wrong, just so they won't feel bad and they end up taking advantage and eventually lose all respect for you....how do I stop this? I'm worried that I'm eventually going to lose it and turn into Charlie from ME MYSELF AND IRENE
One problem I have is bringing up an issue, but kind of moving alongside the issue rather than confronting it head on, in the hopes that the person will "get the hint." This strategy is effective with about half of people, but there are other people who either don't get the hint, or else they pretend not to so they can keep doing what they're doing. I rent, and yesterday my neighbor left trashy items on our shared porch, which she has done in the past, and she won't deal with until confronted. So I _immediately_ confronted her, and rather than passively asking if it was hers, I said "If the items on the porch are yours, please move them somewhere else." And it was done.
I have a friend that i get along very well. but when i got promoted a part of my job had to make sure that everything gets done. and because we are friends. i started to notice that she abuses it. she takes waaayy to long breaks. and disrespects me in front of other employees. i mean i know we are friends and all. but i just really hope that she would understand that she has to respect me at work. problem with me is im too nice. i dont want to have enemies in the work place and it really stresses me out.
Noel ua-cam.com/video/V9M3VBqEbek/v-deo.html this compliments the video here very well, imo. If you haven't already, you need to distance yourself from the 'friendship'. You aren't losing a friend as it turned out she isn't one after all. There is a reason why people distance themselves from work place friends if they are promoted. That is the reason.
Too many people are too nice, too many people are too rude, and too few people are that healthy balance in the middle between being polite and calmly assertive.
There’s this one girl in my class who I’m fairly acquainted with, and we always get along. Her one downside is her high tendency towards over-extended kindness. All of the jackasses in my 30-student class constantly ask the girl to give them the answers to every single worksheet via class group chat. Sadly, she never refuses. I asked her one day; “Do you really want to give these assholes your answers?” Her response was my expectation:”no”. I asked her why, and she responded with the fact that she doesn’t want to be mean. I told her she was being too nice and being mean sometimes is needy. I’ll also mention that one of the only reason these people even get good marks is from the girl’s intellectual mind to school. This torture has been repeating all year, and my irritation towards these jerks has accumulated into a ball with hate darker than space. I know I don’t need to be bothered by these boys of zero effort, but I’m majorly disappointed in the girl for wasting her intelligence on them. One or twice? Sure, it won’t come to my attentions. However, allowing your answers to be given to the same annoyances for every last assignment, that’s when one needs to make a change. Admittedly, I’ve asked her for guidance in academics as well, but we work through it together instead of just simply giving me the immediate answer.The situation she’s in with these boys in reminiscent of a one sided relationship. One half does all the work, while the other feeds of of the tiring effort put in by the productive half. I deeply wish she’d turn around and tell these annoying guys to fuck off, but her over-nice nature blocks that option like an impassable wall of concrete.
When this guy said his son moved back in because he lost his job I knew I was listening to a sap. I told my kids when they moved out, "I will help you stay out but I won't help you move back in"
Working on major life changes, and this subject is one. I feel an inner battle going on. The old me is resisting the changes I want to make and am making in my mind. The body seems to be affecting me on a physical level, making me lethargic. I MUST make these changes.
You need to find a way to maintain your values while protecting yourself. Nothing wrong with being caring and kind, but you also need to adapt to this changing world.
OMG...This is the first time I've head someone speak my truth. My name is John and I am a please-a-holic. Over many years I've lost jobs, allowed others to put me in compromised situations and my constantly avoiding confrontation has destroyed my life. I lie to protect others from their own responsibilities and can never find my voice to speak up and tell people how I really feel. I cant say no to anyone and find myself running in circles even overlapping commitments just so I can keep everybody happy. I've housed over the years at least 40 friends who have stayed with me for long periods of time without paying rent and have even moved me out of my own bedroom and onto the couch so that THEY'RE more comfortable. Recently, After returning home from a surgical procedure, I was asked to leave my bedroom by my current non rent paying friend/roommate because she saw a mouse and she's deathly afraid of them. I literally hobbled out of bed and onto the couch where I've currently have been sleeping for the past seven months in my own home.. I've never made any of these people accountable or put anyone out AND at one point had two dogs, 2 friends- one of their cousins and myself living in my one bedroom apartment- that's (5) bodies in one space- with me again on the couch.. These "friends" have come to expect this from me and even though I've been in therapy for years (Trauma Therapy) I can't fully get control of this behavior... I NEED HELP AND DON'T KNOW WHERE TO TURN. I really thank you for this video- if only to realize that I'm not alone.
Got a co-worker whose so nice and sweet,and people walk all over her,managers too. I told her to speak up firmly and stand up for yourself .Regardless if people will agree or not,it's the principle.Ive been there.
'Nice' people tend to sit on the fence too. 'He/she never said a bad word about anyone' is a statement I hate. People are going to piss you off, and you are going to vent those feelings at times....
Thank you. It’s amazing how angry you can become being nice and letting people win. I’ve been so very angry for so long . It’s consuming me. People are like “god what is his problem.” Maybe there’s light at the tunnels’ end.
How is it your fault that others don't do their job or ask ?'s if they don't know what to do? You are still putting them first! I concur about how the agreeableness effects us, that's why I am here. I just don't think it's our fault that others take advantage of kindness. That's on them.
Love the video. I have been working on my "nice-a-holic" ways for a while now. It has been ingrained in my thinking. I will probably need a life coach. Thanks for the informative video!
I'm straight and honest as fuck I ended up living years with few people around but real quality and most people are intimidated or afraid lol anyway it is such a peaceful and less stressful life
This is excellent. Sharing with my clients. I coach nice-a-holics too. I used to be one and still have to stay vigilant not to fall back into old patterns.
Ok. Getting this out now so I’m always nice! And i don’t mind and stuff but what really hurts me is when i don’t get that kindness returned example when others are sad i comfort when I’m sad no one gives a shit... I’m just so tired and want to cry and I want to give up but its like it’s ROOTED into my brain help....pleas.
OMG! this is totally something I struggle with and I've been noticing this inner conflict within myself every time I hold back from saying what I need to say! I'm done being a nice-aholic
I was trying fit this into a current situation where telling the truth got me nowhere. I was recently stopped by police and given a traffic ticket for reckless driving. In court, the cop said it was because I was speeding in the rain. I was neither speeding, nor was it raining which the dash cam video PROVED. The cop also said there were no other cops at the scene, not only was there another cop at the scene according to the video, but there was ANOTHER cop car parked on the shoulder. Seconds before I got pulled over. The cop lied and lied and lied, but due to some fancy ordinance where it basically states its the cop's word over mine, the judge sided with this fool and now I'm stress and feeling like crap because my license might get suspended, I'm out $740 (which I would have used for the holidays) and I cant even afford to appeal it. This is justice everybody. This is was telling the truth gets you. Its complete BS.
Raul Flores so your saying a cop pulled "you" over for no reason picked you out of the crowd for no reason n fabricated a story?just to get you to pay money n lose your license?? Just being honest....
Raul Flores ; lying, in that situation, wouldn't have helped you either. What lie could you have told that the cop could override? Telling the truth didn't get you in trouble, the lying cop did. I've had my share of traffic courts ( chronic speeder) and telling the truth ALWAYS benefited me.
Raul Flores. I agree!!! I have the issue of being honest and upfront. I try to do it in a polite way. But all I get is that I am a bitch, rude, mental, etc...... Being honest gets you know where in this world any longer. You have to go with the flow to survive. I am not surviving very well because I cannot turn off my integrity.
Woohoo. You got it!! The majority have taken the basic 9 month course. It is pretty easy. My ex husband took this course and I had to pretty much do his work. He has poor grammar and no people skills. He was on duty one day, came home in uniform to put a loaded gun to my head. I told the Chief of police. Nothing happened. He also did a similar thing to our teen son. Came home during work hours and tasered him. Filed a report for assault/domestic violence. He got a friend attorney and it never went to court. Nothing.
Missy, the problem is that agreeableness is a personality trait, you simply don't stop wanting people to like you. I don't know how high I personally score in agreeableness but at least so I have the same issues as this guy, at times. Some of it might be from childhood. If you strongly dislike conflicts you're high in this trait. Biologically it might be beneficial for mothers as it makes them more caring for their baby and the baby can manipulate them.
Last time I was honest with a friend about how she just uses us, it didn't end well, and now that she's our "friend" (if you can call it that) again, NOTHING has changed. So, we keep our distance, and hope one day she gets the message/hint. Until then, she doesn't understand why we avoid her so much. P.S. She lives across the street from us.
Different stories but I have a little different perspective on this too. I have someone who is habitually wanting to mooch my time away on projects for him. He seems to think I owe him my time, effort and ideas for his projects but he never offers to pay me nor does he offer to give me his free time in anything close to a reciprocal fair exchange. That's why I call it mooching. I admit that I used to help him whenever he asked. So, in some sense, I enabled the mooching. He not only demands my time for free but he also says things like "no one ever helps me" as if he's incapable of doing anything on his own without mooching someone's time away. So I decided to set new boundaries and decided that I will 'help' him if he pays me my base rate of $67 an hour which is really cheap if you actually knew me and knew what I do. Of course, he balked and started to throw a hissy fit and so I game him my prime rate and said, if he couldn't afford my time that perhaps he should find someone else to help him. My prime rate is $596 an hour. He walked away and I haven't heard a peep from him since which is fine by me. I don't mind reciprocal relationships at all. That's what real friends and family should be about. But when someone constantly expects something for nothing I drop them like a rock and let them figure out who else they can mooch off of.
It's called people pleasing. It's the passive response out of 3 options. The other 2 are aggressive and assertive. I think the passive response leads to aggressive response in time. With enough bad experiences, you keep holding in negative emotions like frustration, resentment, anger, etc from feeling like your being used and taken advantage of. So one day you exploded and it all starts to come out. "No more Mr. Nice Guy" kicks in, the beginning of aggressive response. The goal needs to be assertive response/reaction/behavior/mentality.
I’m learning as if I don’t I’m paying with great anxiety. 2 times in social situations. First I went out with a woman around 12 times as I thought we could be friends but realized she was crazy and obsessed with me and stupid me I still text her every few months or 6 months to see if she changed. After listening to many of my friends over and over I had to block her and take the situation very serious. The 2nd one was my neighbors who I was not nice to but they tried over and over to be friends and are very pushy. So they self invited themselves to my moms funeral then thought they were real cute started knocking on my door for these fake conversations. I tried logically telling them buzz off. I learned just ignore them and no talking unless emergency was the only way as some people are just clueless and don’t care.
The story of my life.. Its come to the point where when people tell me I'm too nice, i cringe. With my family im independent and speak my mind almost being rude. But with the rest of the world , im shy, too nice, depressed and anxious. Im not trying to be fake. I always say yes at work and cover everyone's shifts because i need the money. Im too nice at work because its incredibly difficult to be mean or to be firm and say no. My female co-workers are strong personalities. Women with gumption. They are confident and assertive... Why can't i be like that? Why am i too nice ? Should i start saying no? Should i fake it and start being mean? It's a blessing and a curse .
What i actually hate is people expect me to stay nice and never show my angry and upset side even when smth is wrong. Its like whenever i get angry they be like 'oh we didnt know u were like this, or u can get angry, we thought you were nice'
My problem is i tend to work really hard in making things okay when they really not too! I tend to cover up people's flaws too to avoid conflict 😭 not doing things or saying things to keep the peace. #beingtoonice #niceaholic
I keep miswriting what I want to say. I used to be a total 'door mat' and I found that if you want to start saying no, a good place to start is not to give an immediate answer. Give yourself time to consider the request. Say "I need to think about it". If someone is asking you to do a favour then you dont have to give them a reason for saying no, but if you want to soften the blow a bit you can warn them that you are busy, you have other things you need to do that day etc, so they wont be so surprised when you do say no. You can word a refusal kindly, so that people know you are still friends but you dont need to make excuses, unless you have accepted a lot of favours. In which case you may like to consider offering to help at another time, unless you want to end your association with the person. If you have practical knowledge that will help with the task you might share that, or suggest someone else who may be able to help but dont say, 'feel free to ask another time' unless you mean it. Of course you need to think through any future ramifications of refusal. You might need help next week.
I have an unintentional habit of lying to people in order to seek approval. I feel like shit after the lie, and even worse, sometimes I get caught in my lie. I hate it, and I want to change this aspect in my life
My father is a doormat. A huge people pleaser. He equates politeness with morality. I hate him for that. I HATE him for that. He’s a lousy father who doesn’t know how to provide for his family. He can’t say no to people. He has absolutely NO backbone. He’d let people take all of our family’s money if he thought it was the “nice” thing to do. He’s an older baby boomer who doesn’t give a damn about his adult children’s future or the hellhole financial issues that we’ll have to deal with when he’s dead. I hate him for that.
I was basically forced into this by my father he could not stand losing in games and he ended up throwing the entire game on me when that happened like monopoly. I had to adopt to him to not make him angry, to make nice and be friends was like reality for me, most of my Life, after getting bullied thru school i wanted to be an actor but ended up a salesman and customer service. Just to make clear for me its an adopt behaviour, now i am happy to find videos like this and also jordan peterson and his video about agreeablesness or disagreeableness.
I think conflict causes just as much pain and struggle certain times. It's much easier to let things go and not try control every situation with getting your way and how you see it. I get being able to express your mind is important but I think it's keeping these things balanced that's most important.
Gosh I wish all of us loving, kind hearted ppl could get together and be friends since we’re all so spread out amongst users and takers.
Where u live
I have the same thought often. This world is crazy. We should create a wonderful place with just pleasant people. I'm sick of the hurt and the pain.
I want to join this party!!!
Yes imagin us at a work place just working and being kind, showing love and support, no ego and rudness 💔🥺...
I felt that comment!
You have to set boundaries for yourself.
"Don't trust too much, don't love too much. Because that too much could hurt you soo much ".
Exactly why I trust and love no one.
I am suffering in this world because I'm too kind. it stressed the hell out of me
metal garurumon Sorry....but, You might have to walk alone!
+K Dub i am always alone. i have to be evil sometimes
metal garurumon you may be a codependent. Was one of your parents unfulfilled and unhappy?
+Colum Nolan what does it mean by codependent? what does it mean by unfullfilled?
metal garurumon codependents are people who were brought up by one or more people that were unhappy or unbalanced or even exposed to a narcissist. Where saying no or disagreeing was not looked upon kindly. Codependency means you were in a relationship where you were dependent on eaxh other to maintain the thing. Unfulfilled.. as in unfulfilled in their life in some way. Thereby taking out their unhappiness on others by forcing them to behave in a certain manner. It is possible to heal from it ☺ just takes time and persistence
The problem is people confuse nice with weak, I'm very nice and also VERY strong. I've surprised many people.
KidCity Lynnwood, Exactly!
Same
Right,
Be brave not timid
Being nice when you cant stand up for what you believe is weak, choosing to remain nice despite of being capable to stand up for what you believe is truly strong
Same here, once I get angry they looked shocked, cant believe I can be so aggressive.
Kindness is getting me nowhere.Being nice is not working for me anymore.I'm 19 and I've been entirely too nice my whole life.I'm working now and my coworkers and manager try to take advantage of me because they know I can't say no.People don't take my friendship seriously either because I'm too nice and they think that they can treat me anyway and I'll always be there.IM SICK OF THIS.You'd think people would appreciate your kindness but they literally don't.I'm no longer about to be nice.I'm about to slowly ease into being rude .Not rude for no reason,but rude to the people that deserve it and think they can take advantage of me and walk all over me!
SCORPICAL don't change your good heartedness. You're streets ahead of a big portion of the population. So trust in your goodness and trust in your gut feelings and put yourself first. Putting yourself first doesn't mean selfishness it means honoring your needs when you have them. You're a naturally giving person but when you really don't want to do something, don't do it. In your relationships start saying what it is you want. Start simple eg. Going to a movie and your friend says what shall we see, instead of saying I don't mind what we see or something to that effect, pick something. It's about making small steps in expressing 'your choice in things'. You will train yourself bit by bit to express your choices. Just make it a fun exercise and you will get the hang of it. And another thing is you probably don't ask for help much because you are self reliant but start asking for help in small ways. Eg. if something is really heavy to carry and you really would like to have help, don't soldier on. Ask for help. It's too heavy. You need help. End of story.
Just by doing these 2 things you will experience more joy and support. People will start to get to know you by your choices but most importantly you will become very self aware of what you need and what makes you happy. You won't be a constant giver but will also receive in life too and this is key to a happier life. Please try these 2 small suggestions they WILL change how you're feeling and you will also keep your beautiful kind heart which is a gift to this world.
SCORPICAL read book by Robert green 48 laws of power first and then how to win and influince poeple by dell carngy
This is soooo me now. I was being too nice as well but it ruined my whole life upto now. Now people think I have changed a lot amd forgot the past even I'm not. But fuck sake, I don't give a shit now. That's old me. Not new me
SCORPICAL I'm 47 I'm just learning this ...im tired of it!!!!!!!!!
SCORPICAL Be kind instead. Always stand your ground.
Being a naturally genuinely nice person is very hard bc ppl do naturally see it as a weakness. It took me years to put my foot down but once you get there it’s the best feeling in the world.
I used to get so upset with ppl and not understand how they don’t view themselves as takers without a shred of guilt. I quickly learned that’s just the way some ppl are. There are givers and takers and ppl with a healthy balance of both (which we should all strive for).
Growing up with abusive parents and having been in a relationship with someone who blew up at everything, I became overly concerned with what others think - from worrying about hurting their feelings to worrying about whether they think I'm a decent person. It's absolutely draining. It got to the point where I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm just behaving so that I don't offend anyone or appear like a bad person to others. I AM TIRED OF IT.
Learning to trust myself is the solution to my problem. If I trust that I'm okay, I'm a good person, and I'm being fair and reasonable, I don't have to worry so much about whether someone will be unreasonably upset by something I say or do. I don't have to worry about what they think of me. I know who I am, I accept myself, and that's all it matters. The people giving me a hard time for being myself were disrespecting me and manipulating me into doing what they want. After years of abuse, it takes a lot of practice and reminders to STOP DEFAULTING TO WORRYING ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK AND FEEL.
I just wish I had known this sooner. I was living under the mercy of what others thought until I was 35.
"The man who trims himself to suit everybody will soon whittle himself away."
- Charles Schwab, 1862-1939, American Industrialist, Businessman
After years of grueling work, I just received professional feedback that I am “too respectful”😳. Wtf?!?
Be nice to people who are nice to you as well
being nice isnt "always about fear" some people genually dont mind doing some things and are just nice and helpful naturally lol. but there's a differece if your weak and shy compared to just being too nice.
Me too I don't even want to let anybody in my life anymore!
I use to be like that at my work but one day I let them have it. I was their hardest working employee, they knew it and I knew it. They have me on registers all day and then complained because the other work was not done. I told them that I can’t be 5 places at once and they need to be realistic. They got mad and told me to listen and I got louder and I said You listen for once! I work harder than anyone here and I help everyone out and no one helps me out! I’m tired of this and I’ll walk out and quit and you can stay over. Good luck trying to find someone that’s going to work half as good as me! I thought that I was going to get fired or they were just going to be like “bye” but they got scared and apologized to me and told me not to worry the rest of the night.
This happened to me yesterday. Not sure what will happen. Time will tell.
I'm too freaking nice!!! I hate it! instead of saying "no" I always say "yes" especially at work people take advantage of me because I wouldn't turn down anyone because I don't want them to feel bad, only to end up feeling bad about myself. One of my friends actually pointed this out and he told me that I'm fake. Wtf?! I'm just living my life trying to not get into any conflict then all of a sudden, I'm fucking fake because I'm being nice?! I need to end this shit and bring out the badass in me. 😠😠😠
Mechelle Huna I feel the exact same way, you are not alone 😤😧
Logan Parks let's just be mean so people would respect us. It's a strange world 😑
Mechelle Huna right!!?? My friends called me fake because I was being nice to someone else and they thought I was ditching them smh
Fucking literally. I hate it
Crazy world. everyone is trying to take advantage of each other. Nice people can’t survive in this. It comes with the agreeableness trait (Jordon Peterson). So this is what I’ve learned to do after having been taken advantage of until my late 20s by my parents, siblings, friends, Work bosses, peers, and even church family (it was a very nasty experience that I let happen multiple times because I was too nice to address the other types of people (“mean people”?)
1) be selfish - think about yourself first, your goals, your desires. As hard as it sounds, remember, the person asking you a favor or taking advantage of you is doing the same thing.
2) solo ride - from a song, it’s just me, myself and I. Don’t relay on anyone, become extremely independent. So when someone flakes on you, your not shipped wrecked because you weren’t relaying on them to be there anyways.
3) push back - no one ever said you have to do something for them. Your not bound by law (unless contracted) or by force. If they try to leverage their friendship, then this is someone who doesn’t care about you or your friendship. Distance yourself from them, and research narcissistic and manipulative traits. 100% guarantee they are using these strategies against you. Red Flag! Get away from them or emotionally distance yourself.
Also (3A) grow some teeth, people learn behavior modification. When they feel you have some teeth and will standup for yourself, they will realize they can’t push you around anymore and will go find some other weaker being to manipulate and take advantage of. Be careful and realize they will try to pin this on you and say you are mean or rude in order to justify to themselves and the group that your friendship is no longer worth it, ( they will even “gaslight” you to do this). Cover your ass by having things in writing (email or text) when appropriate and or voice recording (app on your phone). Crazy, I know, but these little basters are even crazier and the only way to expose them and up them, is to think even crazier. Know their tricks so well that you can use them against them. And then be nice to people who are really worth it and that you are able to get something in return for (1=1, not 1=0).
BONUS: realize it’s terribly hard to find honest, loyal and trustworthy people in the world, in your life. If you find them, hold on to that friendship, and if they are that kinda of special, marry them.
I grew to hate people for one reason.....they constantly mistake kindness for weakness, & TRY to use my kindness as a weapon against me.
As a result, I tell everyone NO.
The result is I live alone. My toxic "friends" & "family" are no longer part of my life.
I am sick of being used.
So I'm done!
s mc Same!!! It's on them how I have to defend myself from them. And they're too ignorant to even see that.
I got so much more benefit from reading all the great comments here than I️ did from watching the actual video 😆. Thank you people!!! Let’s all get more comfy with conflict :) bring it on...no more mr nice girl/guy. Here’s to Truth & Authenticity !! 🥂
Sarahjane ~ Ohh, it's on! Yeah! Wait... Is it ok with you if I join in?
I started setting more boundaries. I have a sister who never plans her visits ahead. Texts me the day she wants to get together. I told her I need two days advance planning. I set a boundary and now she never contacts me. This also happened to my supposed best friend. Once I told them I need advanced planning because I have a full life and can't drop everything last minute, I don't hear from them. They were both selfish beoootches who didn't have any respect for my time. They only thought about themselves.
I have less stress now and don't miss the constant texts and interruptions.
It's sad that they only want to get together on their terms. I no longer am a people pleaser. No is my favorite word and it started around age 35.
I just see the difference between being nice and being kind. They're not the same to me. Being nice is more of a behavior that people project to other people; being kind is a person's character. People don't seem to value kindness at all in general. They value popularity or being famous nowadays.
My parents didn’t appreciate my speaking up before. They would beat me whenever i disobey when i was younger.
Ive become tight lipped and the burden only grows within me. It’s difficult to be a parent. The world evelves and some of what I’ve been taught are already outdated by the time I hit adulthood. I’m so confused with who I am now. Success is waiting for those who are cunning and strategic, not kind and well-mannered.
The phrase I've heard that accurately describes what he's talking about is "people pleasing" at the expense of one's own dignity and self respect. I can still be a nice and kind person who is authentic and sets boundaries with people the question is will I still be liked and/or will the relationship stay the same once I address a conflict or speak my inconvenient truth about something I'm not comfortable with?
Rose J. Not vary often because people know if there taking the piss and if you don't let them there attitude changes
I was a chronic niceaholic up until I was 38 years old. By that point I was stretched so thin helping everyone ( some who wouldn't give me the time of day once I got them on their feet) that I finally started saying NO. If I didn't want to do something, I wouldn't make excuses, I would simply say, no. If asked why I would respond with, " Why should it matter? If I told you why would you gauge whether or not my reason was good enough? Just leave it at no. I have my reasons.
The other thing, besides saying no, was to set limitations on how much help you are willing/ able to lend.
Before, I figured " In for a penny, in for a pound" and continue helping " until the job was done", usually at the expense of my own time I could have spent with friends or taking night classes at college.
I've felt so much better and people stopped leaning on me so heavily.
Learning to say no and setting limitations are the two most valuable lessons I've learned the hard way.
A Keeper Of Odd Knowledge word!
Well said.
Epic!! :)
Dang! I'm so using that response. I hate it when I say 'no' to pushy, overbearing people and then get that question, 'why?' Often times that makes me feel so uncomfortable that I will say, "yes" so as not to come off as mean. People have been telling me that I'm too nice since I was little.
Thank you for sharing
Kindness to good people is awesome. Kindness to bullies or scum is not worth it. Best solution to bullies is confrontation. Straight up in the bully's face confrontation is best.
You’re absolutely right. Being truthful is the best way not to get stressed.
Everyone we should always be kind but being too nice is not ok...
I think we should be benevolent and helpful and not nice.
It's not fake at all, being nice. When one's caracter is kind hearted and soft, then it's truely authentic and cherishable. The problem is that nowadays nastiness is being cultivated by too many. Kindness and being truely nice is often seen as a weakness! It is not so though!! On the contrary.
Besides, one shldn't jump into a conflict just to state one's point. Avoiding conflicts and trying to solve issues another way is highly intelligent and better for all. Afcourse, alas, at times one has to.put one's foot down on the brake. Peace.
Ambriel Apps
I do like your perception, this is exactly how I feel: Unfortunately, my kindness is not always welcomed and my character and strength is often undermined. Some even consider me as a narcissistic people pleaser, yet I'm not, I'm simply genuinely kind, it's how I was brought up. Today, I often feel out of place.
mrebholz
Thanks for your opinion and exchange. Yes, the few people on this planet, like you and me, are often misunderstood or very wrongly interpreted. That's due to their faulty education, society, and later distorted viewpoints. For us, it's challenging to keep in track, and often very difficult to cope with the harshness and extreem unkindness between humans, but this also enables us to spiritually evolve and to show others that true kindness is possible and not wrong! 😉😏 You know who you are and what your are doing is good. Just be careful not to go too far in giving, (I know that's hard, and contrary to your nature, but boundaries are vital), nor to loose yourself in other peoples perverted way of being. Always ground yourself to Mother Earth, and be blessed by the Celestial White Light of God's Universe. 😊 Peace. 😙
It's fake when you don't feel like being nice, but you are. Someone steps on your shoe and you smile and say thank you, that's fake.
No one is being nasty, they just hate the good for the sake of the good, but not being nasty to them doesn't work, I will be mean for your own good, I will be mean because it saves you from the mess you're in. I will kick ass being a gentleman and make it cool again. :)
So glad when I typed 'how to not be too nice' that vlogs actually exist. I'm sick of my wanting everything to be okay because I'm uncomfortable with conflict also. I just want to be authentic💖
Base on my experience, when i was nice, i was bullied. so i stopped being nice too much.
I believe, one of the reasons I developed chronic fatigue syndrome & fibromyalgia is that I was too nice, non-assertive, doormat, people-pleaser but was burning from inside. I had to say 'NO' to relationships (including my siblings) with those you were too several pushy type personalities or aggressive. Life's has got better since. I still need to work a lot of work to become more assertive.
Sam Ann ua-cam.com/video/V9M3VBqEbek/v-deo.html this compliments the video here very well, imo.
It’s called being an Empath. It’s hard and can be debilitating, until you learn how to control it.
Summer Time yep
I still haven't learned 😧
I know you feel sorry for them, so you over help.
xrayiiis I used to feel sorry for them, not anymore, they have systematically tried to dismantle my life too many times.
Empathy is useless when sympathy controls .
I suspect a lot of people are too nice because they lack the ability to judge what is appropriate behaviour. So they just go with whatever is optimal to the other person in order to avoid being considered a jerk.
Thank you very much for this video, it’s 100% accurate on what happens when your intentions is to be nice but in the long run you’re only hurting yourself and in some ways deceiving the other person, even though your intentions were to be nice and avoid conflict.
I figured this out years ago, it's a good habit to get into. It's the learning how to be diplomatic about it that is the hard part.
Dr. Hyman I needed this video. I want to become more strong as a woman, and as an individual.
Raleisha Guallaz Agreed.
Dr Hyman, the only thing I have to say that you could have talked a little bit about, is how holding things in, and 'lying " to yourself and others, can affect your health adversely.. stress, stifling your emotions, suppressing anger and frustration and anxiety, can have various consequences on your physical and mental and emotional health.. thank you
Remnant Soldier great point 😊
Agreed. My father is a narcissist and can't take criticism. He needs everyone to rubber-stamp his ideas until he decides they don't work. I feel anxiety around him sometimes because I can't give him constructive criticism.
The best thing is to have a balance between constant sweetness and flattery, and brutal honesty.
PlusHeight4PlusGut yeah man. You nailed it
PlusHeight4PlusGut
I'm going through it right here with you. I decided tonight's the night I cut contact.
Narcs are what they are and as you know, they don't give a fuck about you.
You need to start giving a fuck about YOU.
I hope you can find peace.
Stay strong.
Of course it's also possible that you are arrogant, so if others don't agree with your "constructive criticism" you can't stand it. You have to right to say whatever, and others also have the right to reject it.
I was talking about the original commenter, not monarchs
PlusHeight4PlusGut that’s similar to deciding when you want to smoke your weed
Im learning being nice ...Get u no were in life
This is why I can truly say I trust Nobody
This is also why I will be mean to my mother, being polite but mean, and unfriendly. :) I will use bad manners by being polite, no more good manners, my niceness is what people use to abuse me. I will be outraged at an ultimatum, I will not agree and say yes anymore! I will be mean and say fuck you and justify my moral behaviour. :)
"Not telling them how it really is is a form of manipulation" - Definitely agree. Being nice out of wanting something in return and "punishing" oneself and the other person by resenting them and subconsciously accusing them of not doing what you indirectly expected them to do is actually like a full-blown emotional manipulation that creates drama. It's so common today, though, and really important to learn to catch and release that needy and manipulative feeling before acting it out
Thanks!
I really liked your quoted about being nice now, makes more mess then. It truly explains the problem of now revealing the truth.
Great video!
This is the most important message from a video that applies to me. It's the number 1 area I'm lacking in and I'm working on it. Dr. Hyman you explained it so well. Thank you for opening up about this.
Dang this is me. 😫 Never quite had it put in this perspective. I'm going to try to fight the temptation. I always thought it was to spare people's feelings...taking the higher ground. But you're right it's not authentic and it's a form of lying. Whoa! Gonna take some work, but when I'm tempted to be too nice I'm just going to take a deep breath and think "authentic."
The distinction is not between being "nice" and being "mean." It's a distinction between being a doormat for other people to take advantage of and being "real" and having personal boundaries that prevent others from taking advantage of you.
I don't necessarily think not speaking has to do with niceness. You can be nice and speak up. Anyway, this is still a good topic to learn nonetheless, in terms of being assertive. I think the difficult part is the idea that some people just don't change, so you have to just separate yourself from them.
clear mist you've already got the base of his point, then. It is more genuinely nice to tell someone yes when you want to, for example. But a lot of people feel obligated (myself included) and take on more than they can actually handle. That's the "nice" he's talking about.
Ink C, yeah, but I feel like a lot of times, this slight sacrifice can be useful or not that bad. Meaning, in life we have to sometimes deal with people and you can't really change the situation, so it really doesn't matter what you are. Being assertive doesn't make that much of a difference, so you just go through the motions. I guess what I mean is that that extra "sacrifice" is not really that much of a sacrifice. The other side to this is that if you're constantly worried about ever displaying any sort of weakness of any kind, you might get yourself into fights that are just not worth getting into. Often times, if you're just dealing with someone that you just see every once in awhile (at a workplace, school) or that you're never gonna see again (public place), it's almost always best to just avoid or be nice or just escape. Now, on the other hand, if you're dealing with someone toxic in your life or someone that you have to be around, and it turns into an abusive situation, then yes that can be a case where you have to stand up or just cut off ties with that person or continue to avoid.
I think there is a difference on being polite and being nice. You can always be polite even when you stop being nice. Unfortunately when people is too nice, it could be interpreted as a form of manipulation while being polite is a form of showing respect
Thank you, I needed this! When I tell the truth my extended family have become angry at me. They hate anything to be dealt with directly. Being so nice never got me anywhere so I evaluate better when to be nice.
It seems like one of the themes in my life is to stand up for myself over and over again. I've slowly learned how to do so in a way that feels right for me. I don't want to be a B, I don't want to be hard or nasty. I've been able to speak up for myself with measured understanding, respect and authority. Ultimately it has a lot to do with learning to communicate effectively and authentically. It feels right and gives me a sense of self respect. It took at least two decades though and is still a work in progress.
Excellent, Dr. Hyman, thank you for the reminder!
I agree and I try to live this, yet, it has the draw back of really offending and hurting people. Not very many people can handle it, There are times and situations, I have to hold back the truth as not to irrevocably damage certain relationships that are important to others around me. You have to be careful. There is a time and place to shell out raw truth.
Human beings, capable of flawed and distorted judgement, will always wrestle with these issues. Take each situation in context and not having a list of responses already set is important. Not every situation warrants the same method of response. That’s called wisdom..using knowledge and intuition to choose strategy.
Be honest, but be cautious.
I feel like a damn coward, and I'm always mad at myself for being too nice....even when I know the person is totally wrong, just so they won't feel bad and they end up taking advantage and eventually lose all respect for you....how do I stop this? I'm worried that I'm eventually going to lose it and turn into Charlie from ME MYSELF AND IRENE
J.B STYLEZ ua-cam.com/video/V9M3VBqEbek/v-deo.html this compliments the video here very well, imo.
But isnt it good to be a nice person, everyone deserves respect.
Conflict is NORMAL. So embrace it.
One problem I have is bringing up an issue, but kind of moving alongside the issue rather than confronting it head on, in the hopes that the person will "get the hint." This strategy is effective with about half of people, but there are other people who either don't get the hint, or else they pretend not to so they can keep doing what they're doing.
I rent, and yesterday my neighbor left trashy items on our shared porch, which she has done in the past, and she won't deal with until confronted. So I _immediately_ confronted her, and rather than passively asking if it was hers, I said "If the items on the porch are yours, please move them somewhere else." And it was done.
I have a friend that i get along very well. but when i got promoted a part of my job had to make sure that everything gets done. and because we are friends. i started to notice that she abuses it. she takes waaayy to long breaks. and disrespects me in front of other employees. i mean i know we are friends and all. but i just really hope that she would understand that she has to respect me at work. problem with me is im too nice. i dont want to have enemies in the work place and it really stresses me out.
Noel ua-cam.com/video/V9M3VBqEbek/v-deo.html this compliments the video here very well, imo.
If you haven't already, you need to distance yourself from the 'friendship'. You aren't losing a friend as it turned out she isn't one after all.
There is a reason why people distance themselves from work place friends if they are promoted. That is the reason.
she not your friend bro, thats called a user,
I was told that I am to nice, but as soon as start being an Asshole...I'm a Psychopath..... Just be yourself
Too many people are too nice, too many people are too rude, and too few people are that healthy balance in the middle between being polite and calmly assertive.
There’s this one girl in my class who I’m fairly acquainted with, and we always get along. Her one downside is her high tendency towards over-extended kindness. All of the jackasses in my 30-student class constantly ask the girl to give them the answers to every single worksheet via class group chat. Sadly, she never refuses. I asked her one day; “Do you really want to give these assholes your answers?” Her response was my expectation:”no”. I asked her why, and she responded with the fact that she doesn’t want to be mean. I told her she was being too nice and being mean sometimes is needy. I’ll also mention that one of the only reason these people even get good marks is from the girl’s intellectual mind to school. This torture has been repeating all year, and my irritation towards these jerks has accumulated into a ball with hate darker than space. I know I don’t need to be bothered by these boys of zero effort, but I’m majorly disappointed in the girl for wasting her intelligence on them. One or twice? Sure, it won’t come to my attentions. However, allowing your answers to be given to the same annoyances for every last assignment, that’s when one needs to make a change. Admittedly, I’ve asked her for guidance in academics as well, but we work through it together instead of just simply giving me the immediate answer.The situation she’s in with these boys in reminiscent of a one sided relationship. One half does all the work, while the other feeds of of the tiring effort put in by the productive half. I deeply wish she’d turn around and tell these annoying guys to fuck off, but her over-nice nature blocks that option like an impassable wall of concrete.
When this guy said his son moved back in because he lost his job I knew I was listening to a sap. I told my kids when they moved out, "I will help you stay out but I won't help you move back in"
Gmail 1
Q. What is a SAP ❓
mrebholz... it's an insult, a derogatory term meaning a gullible person. It also has a backronym, "Sad and Pathetic".
I disagree with the assessment.
I love saying no and rarely apologize. It’s my life fuck what you heard.
Working on major life changes, and this subject is one. I feel an inner battle going on. The old me is resisting the changes I want to make and am making in my mind. The body seems to be affecting me on a physical level, making me lethargic. I MUST make these changes.
good luck
You need to find a way to maintain your values while protecting yourself. Nothing wrong with being caring and kind, but you also need to adapt to this changing world.
The way he said when at work he "tells" someone to do something, made me realize how great of a boss I have
Just got discharged from the hospital today. They said I have Broken heart syndrome due to Stress from being too nice
be nice to yourself first
OMG...This is the first time I've head someone speak my truth. My name is John and I am a please-a-holic. Over many years I've lost jobs, allowed others to put me in compromised situations and my constantly avoiding confrontation has destroyed my life. I lie to protect others from their own responsibilities and can never find my voice to speak up and tell people how I really feel. I cant say no to anyone and find myself running in circles even overlapping commitments just so I can keep everybody happy. I've housed over the years at least 40 friends who have stayed with me for long periods of time without paying rent and have even moved me out of my own bedroom and onto the couch so that THEY'RE more comfortable. Recently, After returning home from a surgical procedure, I was asked to leave my bedroom by my current non rent paying friend/roommate because she saw a mouse and she's deathly afraid of them. I literally hobbled out of bed and onto the couch where I've currently have been sleeping for the past seven months in my own home.. I've never made any of these people accountable or put anyone out AND at one point had two dogs, 2 friends- one of their cousins and myself living in my one bedroom apartment- that's (5) bodies in one space- with me again on the couch.. These "friends" have come to expect this from me and even though I've been in therapy for years (Trauma Therapy) I can't fully get control of this behavior... I NEED HELP AND DON'T KNOW WHERE TO TURN. I really thank you for this video- if only to realize that I'm not alone.
john bines ua-cam.com/video/V9M3VBqEbek/v-deo.html this compliments the video here very well, imo.
@@angebrowne1730 Thank you
Me too ! I can't stand getting yelled at for things I don't want to do!
This is incredible. Thank you! 2019, I am behind
Got a co-worker whose so nice and sweet,and people walk all over her,managers too. I told her to speak up firmly and stand up for yourself .Regardless if people will agree or not,it's the principle.Ive been there.
'Nice' people tend to sit on the fence too. 'He/she never said a bad word about anyone' is a statement I hate. People are going to piss you off, and you are going to vent those feelings at times....
Thank you. It’s amazing how angry you can become being nice and letting people win. I’ve been so very angry for so long . It’s consuming me. People are like “god what is his problem.” Maybe there’s light at the tunnels’ end.
How is it your fault that others don't do their job or ask ?'s if they don't know what to do? You are still putting them first! I concur about how the agreeableness effects us, that's why I am here. I just don't think it's our fault that others take advantage of kindness. That's on them.
This really speaks to me. I do this.
Great video, this should be taught in schools and parents should teach kids to speak up and be their own person... 💖
Love the video. I have been working on my "nice-a-holic" ways for a while now. It has been ingrained in my thinking. I will probably need a life coach. Thanks for the informative video!
I'm straight and honest as fuck I ended up living years with few people around but real quality and most people are intimidated or afraid lol anyway it is such a peaceful and less stressful life
This is excellent. Sharing with my clients. I coach nice-a-holics too. I used to be one and still have to stay vigilant not to fall back into old patterns.
Im a rehabilatated doormat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zack Watkins ... any advice or tips?
Zack Watkins lol. How did you get out of it
Zack Watkins in the process need help...
Ok. Getting this out now so I’m always nice! And i don’t mind and stuff but what really hurts me is when i don’t get that kindness returned example when others are sad i comfort when I’m sad no one gives a shit... I’m just so tired and want to cry and I want to give up but its like it’s ROOTED into my brain help....pleas.
Ratatoing ua-cam.com/video/V9M3VBqEbek/v-deo.html this compliments the video here very well, imo.
OMG! this is totally something I struggle with and I've been noticing this inner conflict within myself every time I hold back from saying what I need to say! I'm done being a nice-aholic
I was trying fit this into a current situation where telling the truth got me nowhere.
I was recently stopped by police and given a traffic ticket for reckless driving. In court, the cop said it was because I was speeding in the rain. I was neither speeding, nor was it raining which the dash cam video PROVED. The cop also said there were no other cops at the scene, not only was there another cop at the scene according to the video, but there was ANOTHER cop car parked on the shoulder. Seconds before I got pulled over. The cop lied and lied and lied, but due to some fancy ordinance where it basically states its the cop's word over mine, the judge sided with this fool and now I'm stress and feeling like crap because my license might get suspended, I'm out $740 (which I would have used for the holidays) and I cant even afford to appeal it. This is justice everybody. This is was telling the truth gets you. Its complete BS.
the truth, judge will always side with cops because they can't have their cops actions questioned or corrected
Raul Flores so your saying a cop pulled "you" over for no reason picked you out of the crowd for no reason n fabricated a story?just to get you to pay money n lose your license?? Just being honest....
Raul Flores ; lying, in that situation, wouldn't have helped you either. What lie could you have told that the cop could override? Telling the truth didn't get you in trouble, the lying cop did.
I've had my share of traffic courts ( chronic speeder) and telling the truth ALWAYS benefited me.
Raul Flores. I agree!!! I have the issue of being honest and upfront. I try to do it in a polite way. But all I get is that I am a bitch, rude, mental, etc...... Being honest gets you know where in this world any longer. You have to go with the flow to survive. I am not surviving very well because I cannot turn off my integrity.
Woohoo. You got it!! The majority have taken the basic 9 month course. It is pretty easy. My ex husband took this course and I had to pretty much do his work. He has poor grammar and no people skills. He was on duty one day, came home in uniform to put a loaded gun to my head. I told the Chief of police. Nothing happened. He also did a similar thing to our teen son. Came home during work hours and tasered him. Filed a report for assault/domestic violence. He got a friend attorney and it never went to court. Nothing.
You're right, the over niceness is a form of manipulation. So maybe, it's not really niceness at all.
I agree
Like being passive aggressive .
Sooo truuuee
Missy, the problem is that agreeableness is a personality trait, you simply don't stop wanting people to like you. I don't know how high I personally score in agreeableness but at least so I have the same issues as this guy, at times. Some of it might be from childhood. If you strongly dislike conflicts you're high in this trait.
Biologically it might be beneficial for mothers as it makes them more caring for their baby and the baby can manipulate them.
Maybe it also from being abused because if you we'rent " nice" you where punished or abused. Or fear of being alone
Last time I was honest with a friend about how she just uses us, it didn't end well, and now that she's our "friend" (if you can call it that) again, NOTHING has changed. So, we keep our distance, and hope one day she gets the message/hint. Until then, she doesn't understand why we avoid her so much. P.S. She lives across the street from us.
i don’t like normal people because they think you’re being scary when you’re being nice to them...
Robbie Southall ua-cam.com/video/V9M3VBqEbek/v-deo.html this compliments the video here very well, imo.
Different stories but I have a little different perspective on this too.
I have someone who is habitually wanting to mooch my time away on projects for him. He seems to think I owe him my time, effort and ideas for his projects but he never offers to pay me nor does he offer to give me his free time in anything close to a reciprocal fair exchange. That's why I call it mooching.
I admit that I used to help him whenever he asked. So, in some sense, I enabled the mooching. He not only demands my time for free but he also says things like "no one ever helps me" as if he's incapable of doing anything on his own without mooching someone's time away.
So I decided to set new boundaries and decided that I will 'help' him if he pays me my base rate of $67 an hour which is really cheap if you actually knew me and knew what I do.
Of course, he balked and started to throw a hissy fit and so I game him my prime rate and said, if he couldn't afford my time that perhaps he should find someone else to help him. My prime rate is $596 an hour.
He walked away and I haven't heard a peep from him since which is fine by me.
I don't mind reciprocal relationships at all. That's what real friends and family should be about. But when someone constantly expects something for nothing I drop them like a rock and let them figure out who else they can mooch off of.
It's called people pleasing. It's the passive response out of 3 options. The other 2 are aggressive and assertive.
I think the passive response leads to aggressive response in time. With enough bad experiences, you keep holding in negative emotions like frustration, resentment, anger, etc from feeling like your being used and taken advantage of.
So one day you exploded and it all starts to come out. "No more Mr. Nice Guy" kicks in, the beginning of aggressive response. The goal needs to be assertive response/reaction/behavior/mentality.
I’m learning as if I don’t I’m paying with great anxiety. 2 times in social situations. First I went out with a woman around 12 times as I thought we could be friends but realized she was crazy and obsessed with me and stupid me I still text her every few months or 6 months to see if she changed. After listening to many of my friends over and over I had to block her and take the situation very serious.
The 2nd one was my neighbors who I was not nice to but they tried over and over to be friends and are very pushy. So they self invited themselves to my moms funeral then thought they were real cute started knocking on my door for these fake conversations. I tried logically telling them buzz off. I learned just ignore them and no talking unless emergency was the only way as some people are just clueless and don’t care.
🙏💜I needed this video and push just today. Thabk you!
I am glad I am not the only one who feel this way.😥 it sucks being the only one being too nice.
Being overly nice and not being able to say no or be assertive can cause crippling depression .!!!
Im so glad i learned to be assertive . I was always someones doormat and always depressed .
Agreed...Living life for others and making decisions based on others wants lead you to a life you resent and don't like it all.
The story of my life.. Its come to the point where when people tell me I'm too nice, i cringe. With my family im independent and speak my mind almost being rude. But with the rest of the world , im shy, too nice, depressed and anxious. Im not trying to be fake. I always say yes at work and cover everyone's shifts because i need the money. Im too nice at work because its incredibly difficult to be mean or to be firm and say no. My female co-workers are strong personalities. Women with gumption. They are confident and assertive... Why can't i be like that?
Why am i too nice ?
Should i start saying no?
Should i fake it and start being mean?
It's a blessing and a curse .
What i actually hate is people expect me to stay nice and never show my angry and upset side even when smth is wrong. Its like whenever i get angry they be like 'oh we didnt know u were like this, or u can get angry, we thought you were nice'
This is gold.
My problem is i tend to work really hard in making things okay when they really not too! I tend to cover up people's flaws too to avoid conflict 😭 not doing things or saying things to keep the peace. #beingtoonice #niceaholic
I keep miswriting what I want to say. I used to be a total 'door mat' and I found that if you want to start saying no, a good place to start is not to give an immediate answer. Give yourself time to consider the request. Say "I need to think about it". If someone is asking you to do a favour then you dont have to give them a reason for saying no, but if you want to soften the blow a bit you can warn them that you are busy, you have other things you need to do that day etc, so they wont be so surprised when you do say no.
You can word a refusal kindly, so that people know you are still friends but you dont need to make excuses, unless you have accepted a lot of favours. In which case you may like to consider offering to help at another time, unless you want to end your association with the person.
If you have practical knowledge that will help with the task you might share that, or suggest someone else who may be able to help but dont say, 'feel free to ask another time' unless you mean it. Of course you need to think through any future ramifications of refusal. You might need help next week.
I have an unintentional habit of lying to people in order to seek approval. I feel like shit after the lie, and even worse, sometimes I get caught in my lie. I hate it, and I want to change this aspect in my life
Ray Rumedi ua-cam.com/video/V9M3VBqEbek/v-deo.html this compliments the video here very well, imo.
do it!
"niceaholic.." Great word. XXX
Tom Upton Hey there beautiful person. I know it's not a thing....I said it was a "great " word. Much love and God bless. Sam 7 x
Wow thankyou ... I was so meant to hear this today .
My father is a doormat.
A huge people pleaser. He equates politeness with morality.
I hate him for that. I HATE him for that. He’s a lousy father who doesn’t know how to provide for his family. He can’t say no to people. He has absolutely NO backbone. He’d let people take all of our family’s money if he thought it was the “nice” thing to do.
He’s an older baby boomer who doesn’t give a damn about his adult children’s future or the hellhole financial issues that we’ll have to deal with when he’s dead. I hate him for that.
Wow.. this was something. It hit me real hard. Thank you .
I was basically forced into this by my father he could not stand losing in games and he ended up throwing the entire game on me when that happened like monopoly. I had to adopt to him to not make him angry, to make nice and be friends was like reality for me, most of my Life, after getting bullied thru school i wanted to be an actor but ended up a salesman and customer service. Just to make clear for me its an adopt behaviour, now i am happy to find videos like this and also jordan peterson and his video about agreeablesness or disagreeableness.
i have these young adults that will rage and bully, go to any lengths when approached about anything to do with their behaviors that hurt others.
All this kindness sprouts from elsewhere!we humans are not entirely responsible. Hope we will receive the same sometime!
I think conflict causes just as much pain and struggle certain times. It's much easier to let things go and not try control every situation with getting your way and how you see it. I get being able to express your mind is important but I think it's keeping these things balanced that's most important.