Why You Need to Stop Being So Nice
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- Опубліковано 8 тра 2018
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Do you feel like it's all on you to make sure everyone around you is happy, has their needs met and is taken care of all the time?
Do you feel good about it or is it stressing you out, is it getting way too overwhelming or are you feeling taken advantage of?
I will tell you something, just this time: Stop being so nice! (It's actually making you miserable).
The idea of making everybody else happy all the time and meeting all their needs may sound lovely, but the truth is, it’s causing a lot of harm to you in ways you don’t even realize.
Today, we are going to talk about the three of the biggest ways that people pleasing is actually not good for you at all.
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My self care comes first.
My pleasure comes first.
My joy comes first.
My relationships come first.
My boundaries come first.
My body comes first.
My spiritual practice comes first.
My safety comes first.
My self affirmation comes first.
I. Come. First
I just repeated what you posted to myself out loud, sounds selfish, although according to this video it's how were supposed to act. 🤔
@@hattienuff1405 if you don't care for yourself first, how are you ever going to care for others?
@@MsKiddah
I do care for others, I've worked in the nursing field over 38 years, I'm completely dedicated to my profession. I put my patients care & welfare ahead of my own, as most are too old & frail to properly care for themselves.
@@hattienuff1405 ok good for you.
Exactly. If I don't establish and enforce my boundaries how will I ever respect others' boundaries. We are all created with the ability to meet our own needs emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I'm actually enabling someone else when I STEP in and take care of their needs and wants that they can do for themselves or learn to do so. If that person CAN NOT or WILL NOT take RESPONSIBILITY for themselves that is not within my realm of control. Taken many many many toxic relationships to recognize MY part in abusive relationships: I allowed it. I took on responsibility that was never intended by my higher power for me to take on. Best wishes on your journey ;)
Nice=WEAK to abusers.
Good target.
so true.
True
Then they become my target then I DNT have to play nice...
So true
True
Just be yourself. People who gets angry for you being yourself is not your problem. They just want to manipulate you to behave in the way they wanted you to behave.
Well said.
I agree, they just want to make you their little bitch or maid. They want to abuse because they know what destroys confidence is abuse.
Kylie Chen perfect saying
This, so much. Well said. I believe that it also gives us some insight into how they treat themselves.
Be myself then i can curse my friends and family hate it when i curse but my younger brother and friends curse they are like you have to be "NICE GIRL " 😓
When I try to please people I feel inwardly resentful and get lots of pent up anger. Not worth it.
That's a relatable feeling
That's the exact feeling I'm getting lately. I have been getting angry from negative past experiences for being too nice, and I don't know how to control it. I don't what to lash out at other people.
A therapist telling you to stop being so nice? I LOVE IT
Stop being so ...
Love it too 👌
Being too nice to people is showing people you're willing to let them walk all over you and it's showing them that you're not willing to stick up for yourself and let them do whatever they want to you. You gotta be a little mean sometimes
It's very difficult for people pleasers to learn it's okay not to be so nice sometimes and that being "mean" is often really about setting boundaries. Knowing this and practicing it are two very different things, though. I've struggled with this for years, sadly. Some people can sniff out people pleasers a mile away and intentionally take advantage because they mistake niceness for weakness.
Note that when you stop people-pleasing and doing what they want, you may be called selfish and rude. Realize that THEY are the ones who are selfish and rude for expecting you to do what THEY want, and worse, guilt-tripping and shaming you when you refuse! Sadly, my mother is a narcissist who never respected my boundaries thus I became a huge people-pleaser who was completely out of touch of my wants, needs, and feelings. I didn't realize this until I was around 35. I wish I had known this sooner. I would've saved myself from so much pain, self-abuse, and terrible decisions.
Similar story with my mother. But once I began working on loving myself, life has become so awesome. It's never too late buddy.
noname I’m 34 and finally realized this concept . Also , I realized I was giving too much time to outer circle people who would appreciate me vs inner circle people who didn’t appreciate me as much .
I started self-harming at age 17 I'm fully aware of this now at age 20
This is so true because like you say the moment you say no to them, it angers them and its always us that are in the wrong and are called selfish and rude. It took me a long time to realise that I was pleasing everyone but myself. These past few years I have cut so many people out of my life including someone that I had known since I was 16. She was forever fishing for information regarding what was happening in my private life. I suddenly sat back one day and thought to myself, she always seems to get to know everyone elses business but she rarely ever spoke about what was really going on in her life. Dont you just love people like that. She used to be telling me other peoples business and I felt sure that she was discussing my business with others when I had told her things in confidence. I trusted her up until I decided to cut her out of my life. She was blocked on my social media account, she never got access to my new mobile number and that was it she was no longer part of my life. She was forever cancelling on me with the most pathetic reasons why she couldn't come and pick me up and I just sat back and thought to myself well you obviously aren't bothered about the friendship so why should I bother. What also hacked me off was the fact that she could always find time to meet other people but thought it was ok/acceptable to just repeatedly cancel meeting me etc. I always used to know when something was going on with her because she would text/call me to rant. She would also text/call when she needed moral support or if she wanted to know my business. It had been months since I had seen her so I remember raising the subject during a call with her one day and her reply was oh I only thought it had been a couple of months. I thought, oh right that just shows how little she valued the friendship. I knew that after that call she would leave it about a week or so then I would be bombarded with texts. Towards the end of the friendship, I remember being sat along a street having a coffee thinking to myself that I can really see things fizzling into zilch between us with her lack of interest towards me other then she was wanting to know something, wanted moral support or needed to vent etc. Each time I used to see my phone flashing with a text message I used to think to myself, she can wait im busy. We both have our birthdays in the same month and I sent her a birthday card via an online card service website because I was struggling with my medical problems but you know what, she just couldn't even be arsed to send me a card. It may sound petty but again, it was the case scenario that she simply didn't give two hoots about me but she would be the first to say how miffed she was if one of her cousins had forgotten her birthday or if I had etc. It wasn't like she had forgotten or anything either because she text me to say happy birthday. Even if she had have sent me a text saying ive not had chance to post a card as yet so it will be late arriving I wouldn't have thought anything of it. I had been seriously contemplating as to whether I should cut her out of my life for some time and the birthday card issue just basically helped to make my mind up as weird as that may sound. I also used to enjoy our chats over the telephone and we would talk for hours but I remember one day when I had arranged to call her how I had sat here and had said out loud to myself, lets get this over and done with. I never used to once think that so that in itself speaks volumes as to how fed up I was with her. That basically is the time when you know that some people just aren't meant to be in your life any longer. I think what took me so long to actually cut her out of my life was the fact that we went back such a long way. Now had it have been anyone else treating me with contempt I would have just cut them out of my life long before I decided to get rid of her. Its a shame it came to this but that's life. I had also figured out years ago that the only person she was a true friend to was herself. She just uses people male and female and I remember my father saying to me when I was 16 years old that he really didn't like her. I remember asking why and he said I think shes a treacherous little ultimate user who he wouldn't trust as far as he could throw her. By god was he so right. I also know for a fact, that when my relationship broke down that she went off and told a few people why I called time on my ex because people have told me. I aren't bothered about people knowing why I walked out on my ex its the fact that I told her in confidence and she just couldn't keep quiet about it. I know quite a few things about whats happened throughout her life but no way would I ever dream of repeating what she told me not even to this day. Yes, we did share some really good times, plenty of laughs along with many of our trials and tribulations of life events but like I say, you just know when its time to cut people out of your life. My attitude is that you dont just drop people for months on end then expect to pick up from where you last left off. It just doesn't work like that well not in my book anyhow. Im too old for all the crap and the drama and since I decided to cut her out of my life I can honestly say that I haven't missed her. I thought I would to be honest and yes I did feel a little sad to start with that it came to this because it was kind of like an end of an era type of thing if that makes sense. After a few days, I was ok again and barely thought about it after that and still dont unless something reminds me of her. I dont wish her any harm and if I ever saw her again say in a supermarket or something I would probably say hi but that would be as far as it went because if you let people like that back into your life again the cycle continues and they let you down again. The times in the past that I have let people back into my life to later find out that it had been a mistake. I just refuse to go down that road again with anyone as its just not worth it. Another thing that used to really grate on me too was the fact that she was forever ramming it down people's throats about her degree and masters that she had. I remember being sat at her house one day and she was laid out on her sofa and sat there quoting text book shite. The way she did it was to try and make herself feel a bit better while she looked down at me as though i was some kind of unintelligent human being. I made my excuses and left. I was mad and I thought who the hell does she think she is. She knew i was mad too and that is why she text me a few days later to test the water. She used to think that she was the only one that had actually gone to university. What makes me laugh is the fact that she has spent thousands on her education but she isn't even using her qualifications. I remember being sat at her grandmothers house on day a few years ago and the estate agents was there because her grandmother had died and the house needed to be sold when bang all of a sudden the estate agent said something and she sat there and said she had a law degree. It was completely irrelevant to the actual conversation. To be honest, she just showed herself up because no one was impressed or interested to be quite frank. I still say that she failed her solicitor exams because I remember her saying to me that a woman that was at uni with her had failed the exam to practice law and had done a few re-sits. Now had it have been this so called friend of mine that had past the final exam then she definitely wouldn't have given the woman from uni that had failed a second thought. Why not tell someone that you failed. Yes its disappointing but some things in life just aren't meant to be. Several times she had sat there and had said that when she was younger that her and this lass that she used to hang out with were in some bar somewhere and this lass had said to someone that xxxx (I wont put her name and have chosen the xxx instead) is really clever. I sat there and thought to myself omfg she really is shot away with it all. Shes not unintelligent but shes not exactly got an excellent IQ either. I actually used to feel sorry for her when she used to come out with statements like that. To me, her behaviour screamed out insecurity and inferiority. Sorry but that's the only way I can explain it. She was always really jealous of me too which is something that I just cant get my head around and I honestly believe that when I had told her that I had put my uni on the back burner for a while that she was somewhat happy because god forbid if I got on and landed myself a really good job in the profession that I was training for before she did. She was always in competition with me and I find it really immature. Its not a race and I aren't in competition with anyone. I am just me. God if she knew that I have actually finished my education and that ive obtained my full honours she would have a duck fit. I chose university to educate myself and I chose that path for myself no one else. I wanted to better myself and what is wrong with that, nothing. This is how different I am to her because hardly anyone knows that I have finished university. I dont feel the need to ram it down peoples throats like she did and nor do I feel the need to sit there and bump myself up like she did. I find it really immature and pathetic when people are like that and at the end of the day who really cares what anyone is doing because most people are too busy getting on with their lives. God she flaming bored the crap out of me towards the end. You certainly know who your true friends are that's for sure. I now just focus on myself, my true friends and my family.
dont feel bad..it was later than that for me..my mom, too, is a narssisst..and it wasnt until a couple years ago..I stopped being a people pleaser..and I'm 46
Coming from an extremely nice person, I recently learned that when you’re too nice to someone you subconsciously set up big expectations for them and yourself. When they don’t end up meeting those expectations you crumble. Just be kind but don’t be too nice. 👍🏻
Stated perfectly, YES!
I’m a former chronic people pleaser, Be prepared to lose so called friends , friends that only have you around for what you have to offer or what u can do for them... I’ve been called everything in the book which is fine I don’t think I give a shit anymore
SC let’s not give a shit together!! 😂🙌🏽
Hard Habit To Break
you got that right! I ended up losing EVERY FRIEND I thought I had, not just a few. What an awakening that was! They were all users, taking advantage of my kind heart, my open mind, my generosity....until my mother died and I NEEDED THEM. And I didn't even need them for money or things of substance, I needed FRIENDS to give me emotional support, give me space, give me ideas on how to cope. 1 friend hung around long enough to say condolences, the rest sent me cards.
When I came out of the grief, not one of them offered to have coffee or meet up for lunch. Heck I ended up traveling twice to a very fun place and had a great time BY MYSELF and now I wonder how the hell I tolerated their ridiculous bullshit for so long? Decades of me being the ear, the shoulder, the midnight chauffeur DD.
I am at peace now, and if it's ALWAYS just ME being my best friend, then SO BE IT. ❤❤❤
Same,, but I feel so much better. I see ppl for the toxic users they can be.
So called friends
They can hold their hands and go straight to hell all together🙌
I m.glad
Finally at the age of 34 , I am okay by myself . I don’t need anyone to be “happy.” Through a series of events , I realized I was giving too much of my time for others , to fill the need to be needed .
This is me too.
Good you leaned at An early age I'm So happy for you keep on top of it!
I have discovered that I can be happy when I'm alone too. You don't need to be around a bunch of people to make your life complete. I'm not saying put up walls around you to make yourself unapproachable, no I'm not saying that. It is good to be sociable once in a while, but not all the time. If you want to be alone, so be it. You can reach out whenever you want to reach out.
I'm still single at the age of 55, but I have a lady friend I see and talk to whenever I have the time. We have been friends for 30 years, and she is wonderful. So I'm not ALWAYS alone.
It is important to realize that you don't have to be nice all the time to be accepted. Be sociable, but also be alone when you want to be.
I’m 44 and still don’t know what I want. I have always tended to others. It’s my turn to live for myself.
Rebecca Oprea same! I am 34 and feel like I’m just starting my life this past year. Changed my number. Changed my friends. Haven’t had sex or dated in over a year. Got my power back. Stopped pleasing my mom. Said goodbye to my father who died of alcoholism. Got closer to my little brother who deserves my love more than anyone. Finally being the good example. Changed my career from beauty industry to going back to school for psychology. Finally made a few good friends that give just as much as I do and I have never felt more loved and supported in my life!!!!!!
I’m almost ready to date again!!!! I have never been married and no kids bc I had a lot of mental illnesses from codependent alcoholic narcissistic depressed household I grew up in.
Let go of my past and rewrote it. I’m changing the ending of my story by loving myself each moment.
I am a beautiful strong confident woman and my purpose is to change the world by loving myself more each day and being the example I want to see in this world!:)
I was ALWAYS so nice to everyone until I realized I was unhappy. And if you don't make these changes, you'll just end up snapping on people and then you scare the shit out of everyone lol. There's is a big difference with being overly nice where you are putting everyone else's happiness before your own AND just setting up boundaries where people know you're a good person but you're NOT a damn door mat or put here to unconditionally serve other's. NO is a complete sentence. Anyone in your life gets pissed because you tell them no, either get them out of your life or set some major boundaries. They're the ass, not you.
Well said Rachel Karr. I do feel like a door mat LOL, it's not funny just like saying LOL, take care,
Love that Rachel!
True everything you said
100%. My Narcissistic mother "trained me" to be codependent, nice and an enabler.
It took me forever to understand what happened. Today I cut them off the moment that I sense a problem.
Same here.
Yeah so true though
Same!
It was my Narcissistic mother in law
"It's not that complicated, We don't like people who disrespect us, so when we disrespect ourselves, we don't like ourselves" Brilliant!!!!
I have made a decision to stop being nice and pleasing people!! I'm done!! And people are never grateful for good deeds and take you for granted.. Goodbye niceness!!!
be nice with the nice ones. Don't change, God is watching you and he will reward you for your patience !
Wow.
That is exactly what I was going to say.
Be kind to those that are kind.
Don't change and be mean
Don't allow people to take advantage of or run over you.
But don't be afraid to say
"NO..Get the phuck out of here" too!😀
Make a committment to please YOURSELF. That is important.
@@moexus I follow my own mind it doesnt take A rocket scientist or A belief system to figure that out,No Thank you!dont mistake foolishness for patience.
Hi let me tell you, you cant be nice to people you know, like going out your way doing & giving, because they dont appreciate it, you damned if you do & you damned if you dont, i just treat them accordingly, like family & so-called friends, but let me tell you, who i go out my way for, is the homeless people, i love going out my way being nice to them, like giving them money or food, or telling someone they look nice, whether it be their hair or clothes, or that they smell nice, they is always thanking me, & is grateful for whatever i give them, so i see it like this, if you cant be nice to certain people, & it makes you upset & miserable, leave their damned ass alone, why stay around people that dont make you happy,& who is always trying to steal your joy! Im happy being by myself, i entertain myself like playing cards listening to music, i sing dance, do alittle exercise in the morning, i get a good book to read, i have a guitar a keyboard & drums, but im to lazy to learn how to play them, i never get bored with myself because i love myself, & i put myself first,which is the law of self preservation! Yes law! You will be alright by yourself, no stress, but trully bless,sing this song (you got to have the joy joy joy joy down in your heart )!you have to also know there is the ego, & the ego loves drama, so when you is getting upset about something being said or someone being sarcastic, or feel the need to be right that is the ego ok, just know when to let go & go dont stay there & feed the ego, look at it like this, are you willing to feed the God in you, or the Devil, everyone is a mirror of themselves its called a reflection, what you put out comes right back, know this is how the universe works,everything happens from your thoughts words & deeds, im done Peace!
One time my class was listing things we were good at, and I said that I wasn't good at anything, then one girl in my group said that I was good at playing the trombone. I can't lie, it meant a lot and gave me a lot of confidence in myself and I got better at the trombone. Just everyone please understand that kindness really changes someone forever.
I call people pleasing "the scapegoat syndrome". Sacrificing your own inner wellbeing and happiness for others. You sacrifice yourself for other people's gain and benefit at your OWN expense. Each time we do this we BIND ourselves to a crux ( crossroads/ wrong decisions made following others ) and we NEVER move ahead in OUR OWN lives to accomplish the things that we would love to do! Peace and light!
Yeah screw that. And it's the narcissistic, selfish people who want you to keep sacrificing yourself to cater to them. SCREW THAT!
Thank u for sharing wow this gives me chills
If you grew up with never being able to say "no" to your parents because there would be severe punishments for not being in CONSTANT compliance with our parents' demands, then it is not easy to get out the people-pleasing cycle. It is MUCH easier said than done.
That's very true but as we Navigate through our own Experiences we Must learn better, and that means Unlearn the junk and Dogma our parents taught us because they taught us only what they were taught, now we are Responsible for our own behavior and happiness,they also taught us not to lie but we lie anyway, so this is evident that we didn't follow all thier rules we Know What to Do!
T run
I’ve always kinda felt that I was too nice but I recently had an experience that opened my eyes, and I’ll share that now. I’ve been trying to make new friends so I started meeting people online. I met this girl and we ended up meeting in person. I picked her up from work and we went to the mall and hung out. After that she asked if I could pick up her boyfriend from his sisters house and I said yes (shocker!). We get to the sisters house and this girl tells me that she wants to get out and chill for awhile since his family is there also. Despite the fact that I barely knew her, didn’t know these other people at all,
and that I had to be back home at a certain time, I agreed. When I walk up to everyone I wave and say hi and no one acknowledges me or returns a hi. Even the girl I was with doesn’t talk to me but socializes with everyone else, leaving me alone being ignored by everyone there. I barely knew this girl and she had me drive her around and I never once voiced that I wasn’t ok with it. I didn’t want to inconvenience her (her! A stranger!) so I put her needs before my own. Then when she treated me so rudely, when they all treated me so rudely I felt resentment. I had went out of my way and that’s how I was repaid. It was a terrible and eye opening experience.
these are the exact things that happen to people pleasers and happened to me a billion times. I'm on my journey to quit people plaeasing I hope you get out of people pleasing soon ❣️
Sounds like the best thing u could have done is leave them where they were and go home. Sounds like u were just a cheap lift.
I'm 55 yrs old and I've been this "nice" person ad long as I can remember. I have had identity issues my whole life. I've been told I need to stop being so nice and toughen up several times.
I’m 65 and spent a good majority of my life pleasing others. As a Jesus follower I realize I need to love others but I’m tired of being everyone else’s. Cheerleader. I can honestly say the only cheerleader I have had in my life is my husband. I’m thankful for him. This video is a great reminder and I thank you!
Thank you for your kind words!
sandramA heynemana even Jesus said be angry, but sin not, I think he gave a example outside the temple with the money changers , he was bold but firm in many situations.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to please my ungrateful parents! It’s literally ruined my life and self esteem.
Then when you can't please others, guilt sets in. I learned it is also trying to be the hero and I can't. It is freeing to realize I can't be their hero. So I stopped and I love it.
Note too, that we can get fooled by the positive responses we get when we're nice to people. In our mind, we think that means they value us, so we feed off of their approval. But try saying no sometime - THEIR REAL COLORS come out! You start to realize that even though you thought you were more than just a co-worker to them, or a valued friend, etc. - in THEIR mind, you were just a transaction to benefit THEM. This isn't the case every time, but it is the case more times than you would care to imagine! 😮
So True
True
Too true
True
@@ashleybranham1274 yes
I meed to watch this video every day until I become immune to narcissists and manipulators. It's all about self-respect!
A lot of people listening or that have gravitated towards this message are Empaths. It’s a lesson many of us have to learn and apart of an Empaths soul growth. We learn to ignore our feelings because we are used to people pleasing and helping others heal. We have to set boundaries and love ourselves enough to honor our own needs so that we can present the best version of ourselves to the world.
Empath = poor boundaries
Yes, I'm a people pleaser also. I was brought up like that, my parents drummed in me I have to be a good girl. As an adult it became my default mode, usually tried to fullfill other people's request and avoid confrontation. You would think others respect and love me for that. NOPE.
I stop and think of all the times in my 49 years, that I have been nice to people, about 75 percent of the time it just backfired on me. Petty tyrant's, bullies and verbally abusive people that are on a power trip, pick up on being too nice, very quickly. Great video!
My anxiety always makes me be to nice and people always take advantage of that or treat me like crap. I do like being nice but there is many times I just want to walk away or be rude because they're not being nice. But my major anxiety makes me want to avoid all kind of conflict. I'm extremely sensitive and cry easily I'm terrified of any slight conflict and it makes me feel so weak and pathetic. I really want to change.
I've been there too!!
We are similar. I have had the same kind of thoughts when I want to get away. Ugh. Everything in me tells me to walk away, to leave, just go. Maybe make an excuse or remind someone who I came with, why we need to be on our way. It uses up our time and energy. And too often they want to chat. It is awful. Being trapped, tired, feeling resenful, anxious (Anxiety is awful all on its own) and whatever else...Not a fan.
@@Ohthemarvelousmusic I here you EmEm. In my case nice guys always finish last, heavy sigh....
Understand completely. I've learned it's NOT rude to take care of yourself and establish boundaries. They may think it's rude. That's not on you. Be true to you. ;)
Same here.
The day I realized it’s ok to say no… just because you don’t wanna…and it’s ok to not answer the phone or return every text my life got so much better.
Finally figuring this out. It's emotionally draining. It's getting easier to say no.
Truly freedom comes from releasing our need to please other people. Thanks for this constant reminder.
My solution is simple: “I just treat people in the way I would like to be treated”
Same...
That was my life for the last 8 years. I'm going through a divorce and I'm feeling the best I've ever felt in my entire life. I was taking of everyone else and making sure everyone is ok except for me. Fast forward, I've lost 40 lbs and now meeting more exiting people then ever.
Thank you soooooooo much for this video.
The more I set boundaries with my partner, the more abusive and angry they got. I understand that it's because I was changing the dynamics between us and no longer allowing this person to be controlling in a negative way, it turned our relationship into a war zone. Were separated but living together until we can figure out separate living residences. I recognize there is Alot of healing I still need to do and have secured counseling for both my daughter and I. I'm working on creating better boundaries now for both myself, and to help my daughter too not to be a push over with her friends.
Francesca Tut my x I had the same problem he use to get angry when I set boundaries signs of a narcissist check it out here on you tube it helped me understand what was going on I now stand firm on my own healing and getting me back lots of love and all the best
I love your self-awareness. It's rare to see that in people that are in bad, abusive dynamics, but your doing great. keep it up!
@@bettyboo3075 i did not know what a narcissist was until my last relationship. Oh how ii was sooo blind, not any more. i had never experienced nothing like that.... the anger and pettiness lying ect... i am more alert now. I GOTTA THANK GOD for opening my eyes
Francesca Tut I am going through the same.
@@kurrves I am going to Through the same shit Karen... I deleted all my social media because people are so much judgement at all time
I really need help, i feel so sweet and used...so sad
You message me. I can help you.
So many moms do this! Me included. I am working on changing my behavior and it feels great!
I already did it took me 2yrs and 2 mos.
I have learned this the hard way. I never realized that I was doing it either. It's my nature to be kind and to help. What I failed to see was that I was giving it to the wrong people. I'm awake now and ended my blindness
it took me quite a number of years to realise that that I have always been too loyal to the wrong people that didn't deserve my loyalty. Also, when I decided to cut the hangers on out of my life completely over the past few years, it suddenly dawned on me that those that are no longer part of my life were all the same type of person. That being users, manipulators, controllers, liars, two-faced, completely unreliable and brain robbers who just simply dont care who they use or shit on as long as it gets them from a to b.
@@vanessahenderson1850 you are do right and Family is the #1 Culprit
Me too*
Wheew this was a huge pill to swallow😪 pray for me🙏🏽
I just realized why I have trouble making lasting friends or close friends. I want friendship but I tend to hold others at a distance because I'm afraid of saying or doing something that they will judge.
I get that way to.
I have found that in the past, I tried to be a people pleaser, not to feel good about myself, or to be perceived as a nice person, but to make a connection with someone. But doing things for people often, probably means that person doesn’t really have their life together, because they always need others to help them. If they don’t have their life together to take care of their responsibilities, they don’t have their life together to connect with me. It took me years of giving and giving and being there for others in hopes of building a healthy bond of friendship, to realize it was almost always a one way street. When I finally set boundaries, I discovered who my true friends were. It was sad at first, but it was the bandaid that needed to be ripped off! Soon the pain is gone, and you’re glad you got it over with so you can move on!
I think this is the most perfect comment I have ever seen on UA-cam.
This is Beautiful Thank You
@@AshiraMalka You are So Right it is A Beautiful Comment better than the Speaker.
Wow I read this 3 times.Its just That Good.
Amazing. I have, all my life, attempted to make everyone else happy. All my life! I try to motivate everyone and yet I am always exhausted frustrated and ignoring my wants needs and desires. This video really hit home for me.
I've always been "nice" to people because it's how I was brought up. As an adult now I want to focus on me as I wish to grow and evolve as a person.
Ugh, yes, I am the Queen of Nice! Just about everyone likes me even the grumpy people usually like me. But I hate it when they think I am weak because I am so nice. I have come a long way and have learned to say NO and set boundaries. Lol
Anna D best comment ever it related so much to me and to think my name is Queen 😂😂😂 frr they always want to try me like am weak cause am nice 🤣🤣🤣
Yes. I have been called rude for honestly saying..No.
But I don't give a $hit. HA!
Great advice, very insightful and to the point. Pleasing is a childhood learned behaviour that set you for failure and unnecessary stressful life as you try to please manipulative people who take advantage of it for using and abusing your kindness for their own selfish motives.
I've been shuffling through UA-cam vids all day today trying to figure out why I'm so unhappy and feeling stuck in my life & this video was the answer so THANK YOU!!
Jason B same here 😩
Thank you so much for sharing these videos! I am 54 years old, and have been struggling with codependency all my life. I’m in counseling now, and it has opened my eyes. Your videos simplify the topic and “boil it down” in such a way that it is more easily understood! God bless you for sharing! Sending these videos to friends who also struggle ❤️
Thank you so much for your kind words, Suzanne! It means a lot to me. 😊
Suzanne, I hear you!
Me too Suzanne. I am 53 and still struggle with being too nice
It’s so true I spent years being nice to people and in the end they just used me and stop talking to me . Is time to focus on ourselves and everyone else can solve their own problems
Treat others the way you want to be treated.
CeeCee Nunya its a good phase but most people don't give a shit about u and even if u treat then with the utmost kindness. They would take it as a weakness and start taking advantage of u
U get what u give
NO, this kind of thinking is how this happens STOP THINKING THIS WAY°°
True I had friends and relatives who gossiped and judges me avoid them now
I found working in sales/customer service, it started to feel like this. I felt sick and overwhelmed when I went home. Always trying to fulfill what they want. I had to go home and do a lot of self-care and started feeling insecure because I wasn’t getting it back after spending 8 hours giving so much, even when I didn’t want too.
I've been programmed to please and help people and balance situations in my childhood. I'm now 19 years old and I have a major hard time saying no. I often come late because even if someone asks something of me last minute, I can't say no. It is so deep in my mind that I feel hurt when someone says no to me. I have learnt that if you say no, that means you don't like or even consider someone. I also majorly feed off of people's gratitude and happiness when I make them happy. My mom calls it a helper-syndrome (we specifically get close to people to help them and feed off of that), she has it even worse than me. It makes my happiness dependent on other people though I naturally am a pretty happy person (also, needed to be that in my childhood). I don't know where to start the change, I don't like feeling guilt, but that's exactly what I feel when I say no to people. If you read this and you been through this, how did you start? What has helped you through the journey?
18 people who disliked this video love to be pleased 😅
How could people dislike this video?
That's funny and right on the money
Ela Banderska 😂
There's a difference between niceness and kindness.
I've always been this way, always putting everyone before myself. Making sure everyone else is fed before feeding myself. Watering everyone else's growth but never watering myself and nobody watered me back. At some point your soul starts to wither away. You take care of everyone but who takes care of you? If the answer is "I do" you're in trouble cause chances are you've been neglecting yourself. I did it for 30 years. No more. I matter, and my soul needs nuturing right now to live instead of just survive.
I have been seeing a therapist for 2 years this woman did more for me in one weekend of listening to her than he has in 2 years. Needed her in my life now and grateful. Thank you.
Wow I see where I have done this. Now that I am standing my ground it seems people are misunderstanding me a lot or they are pretending to. They are very resistant to my changes but I am not letting anyone or anything stop my growth.
I have stumbled upon these videos about being too nice. I agree with parts of them but not with everything. Being mean, self centered and selfish isn't good either. I find that the people who just are naturally balance between taking care of themselves and also being helpful and kind.when they are needed .are some of the best people I've ever known.
that is so true unfortunately...I feel so angry, because I allowed people to walk over my head...this way I abused myself... boundaries are the key and self-love.
Great video! You’ve just explained the whole life. Now being 30 I’m suffering the serious side effects of it. Thank you explaining this.
The problem we are raised to “Be Nice” even when someone is bully us so we get use to it but” I’m done””Being Nice”
My life battle. I didn't know any different...but I matter too. Thank you.
To frank with y'all thats what held me back for sooo many decades in thus universe....
3:00......that's when I had a spiritual awakening....facts. dude you're speaking my truth, my life. It took me more that 15 years to realize what your saying. I'm happier now but still learning.
Im always so nice to people and it makes me look like a easy target so people say things to me they wouldn’t say to others . But im taught to be nice to everyone. Its not that i want to be mean i just dont want to be easy targets . I just let people do things and just laugh it off so they think i dont care and i just allow it.
I just saw now that being a people-pleaser, I am sabotaging my future. Thank you, Julia! ❤
Basically have boundaries respect your boundaries don't be a pushover
I agree with you at 6:00. If we keep changing our personality to be acceptable to a people, we don't know who we really are, what we really like, what our real personality is.
I like seeing people happy and making things easier for the other person, makes things easier for me. But then i feel like im not valued as i should be but if im not helpful then i feel like a burden or people wont like me
people pleasing just leads to people taking advantage of you, you just become some peoples doormat
WHOA....I have been a chronic people pleaser my whole life!!!! I need to watch this a dozen times. I was raised to be an overgiver by my narc parents.
I guess one problem I have is that I often ignore any signs that I am uncomfortable and go with what other people want. I will be helping someone with something or going along with someone else’s plan or idea and not notice that I am bothered or nervous around this person, a lot of my questions are typically unanswered in a lot of situations and I just keep going, I shock people by how far I go out of my way for others. I usually find myself cornered, stuck, or in trouble.
Allowing others to take advantage of me in a three person office, for me was fear-based. At 62, loads of experience, I simply say no and stop to the two of them. Don't care if they are offended. It's their problem. I am leaving because I won't be used Don't need it. Too many patterns observed over yeArs means the fear of others is gone.
I didn't really notice that I was being too nice, because I was always so shy and didn't have many friends, but I am pretty disconnected with myself. To be honest, I believe myself to be a much worse person than I realized, and I never allowed myself to be who I really am, and I lost myself under the mask of my soul. I've always wanted people to like me, but I didn't know that it's unnatural to try to gain their acceptance. I'm getting better, though.
I totally agree with you day by day am finding myself, finding my strength and getting to know l am worth it even if l am not being liked by everyone one.
Thank you. I guess I needed this in my life :) I love you, Julia! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!
Idk why.. but you kinda remind me of Mariah Carey
I was thinking that about a minute before I read your comment. I was actually scrolling through the comments going I wonder if anybody else notice This lol
Yep... I was thinking that too
Just on this video though!
It’s the hair
Lol
This is so true! I never thought of it that way; that it is disrespectful to me to keep denying my feelings. I would never disrespect anyone else so why would I do it to myself. Felt like you were speaking directly to me today! I will replay this a few times. Just trying to keep a balance between being kind and being real and upfront. Thanks! =)
It's funny how when you figure out you've been used I Become the user's Worse nightmare what I've Learned is when I've had Enough! The world will tremble I'm nobody's fool.
Nice tips
Boundaries!! Great video Julia ❤️
Thanks friend!
I hear the word Boundaries A lot selfish ppl cups are never full These ppl need to Be Cut off period.
Thank you very much for this. Been a people pleaser my whole life. Up until recently I have given away my power to others, whether they asked for it or not, not allowing myself to grow into who I want and am meant to be. I want to be me.
Thanks a bunch, Ms. Julia! This is exactly what I needed to hear. I've been nice to people for so many years, I forgot that I have needs too.
I love this! I really really needed to hear this. Taking care of my needs doesn't mean I dislike my close family and friends it just means I matter. I never got that before! Thank you so much! Now I have to figure out what I want for myself. I love my family and friends now I get to see if they love me.
I tell myself we are all adults. Being worried about Disappointing someone because you say no and have boundaries is childish. If they get mad who cares 😂😂 shows who they actually are
Omg thank you so much for this. It's just so spot on. We have to listen to our gut feeling more and become nice to ourselves first of all. Much love 💖
I can see your point of being not able to reach your goals. Scared of reactions or not liking us of other people makes that I doubt my choices. Then I loose myself and my convictions. Thank you @Julia Kristina
I have watched hundreds of you tube videos on this topic. You are the BEST! Absolutely motivational and refreshing. I can’t thank you enough. You are appreciated!
When someone is prying, I pause and then say, Hmmm, I’ll have to think about that. Then I change the subject.
Agree with tuning in to our bodies, and so glad that you had your boundaries and did not go with the people-pleasing. I just discovered you & your channel, and I like your knowledge and style... Congrats, Julia!
I watch you all the time Julia! Your videos are so valuable. This one is especially important for me. I am people pleaser for the whole my life and for the last two years I have been trying to think about myself more. I emphasize on trying as it's so difficult! People pleasing is almost an addiction to that "they need me" feeling. At least I learned to check in with myself to feel that "I don't want to do it" sensation so moving forward. Thank you a lot. 💙💚💛💜
Checking in with yourself is a big and essential part of learning to take better care of yourself and being less of a people pleaser - good for you!!
I believe its fear of losing someone we love or being thought of as selfish if that's the case I'm becoming centered self I could care less whose left in the dust.
Thank you for making this video. Hits home for me. I feel like Neo awakening from his matrix pod, tearing away the cords of self - suppression and societal programming. I look forward to my breakthrough as I enact these principles you have set forth. Aloha from hawaii 😇
This has always been my problem, being a people pleaser. Life has been so hard for me. Thank you for sharing ma’am.
The storey of my life. Thank you Julia for putting this out there. I will show this to my daughter, who really needs to watch this 👍
Your video is really an eye opener. I have watched several videos about stop being the nice guy, but hey don't seem to speak to me. But when you said about being disrespecting to ourselves, it really hit me. I just had an epiphany and your message brought me peace after having years of struggle with self conflict. Thank you Julia, and I have Subscribed to your channel to help me on my path to healing.
Julia Kristina....you rock! You hit on everything I needed to hear. I tell myself that by not going along with someone I am just being selfish and self-centered. On the other hand I do feel completely miserable inside. I am still trying to find myself after years of pleasing and molding myself to what others wants. It's not an easy process or a fast one but I feel much better at the end of the day.
I fall more into the nice trap of making the other person emotions more than mine.
From friend to stranger if they say or do something that just feels wrong. I start making excuses for them “Maybe they are having a bad day, are under stress, is grieving.”
You name it I will rationalize their behavior. So they were not actually being mean to me. It is a outside factor.
Thank you for this video Julia! It's so relatable to me since I've always cared about others' needs but not so much for me. I just want to say you make me feel like I can have trust and confidence in myself.
I'm so grateful to hear that - and you ABSOLUTELY deserve trust and confidence in yourself.
So true. I have never realised how little other people care about me but letting other people choose for you.
I am so impressed with your advice. You have such a sensible, down to earth way or explaining things. Thank you !
Thank you so much for this video! It was exactly the support I needed today as I'm going through an increasingly difficult time. I have spread myself so thin making so many promises to help so many people, and in doing so I've fallen short of being able to deliver so most of them are unhappy with me no matter how hard I've tried. All the while I've grown increasingly angry at putting my own wants and needs on the sidelines so I can try to help these ungrateful folks. I'm wrapping up a thorny project I can't get out of easily right now (there would be legal consequences if I quit because there's a contract), but when this is over I'm putting my foot down and learning to use the tips on saying no in the download, so thank you for that help as well.
Thanks. I am finishing the book the disease to please but, I am not quite a non-people pleaser yet. This really sunk in of all the stress I've been feeling.
Worrying about everyone elses happiness isn't going to help us be happier. It will make us sick.
Sometimes, we have to say, enough. Enough of everyone elses bullshit, I've dealt with plenty. What about me?
It's tough being a survivor of a toxic environment. People don't understand that that people pleasing is so destructive to people.
Thanks so much, you have jolted my thinking into a new perspective. All of this helps.Ruminating. I always wondered why we ruminate.
This was very helpful, indeed.
Good counsel! Being a mom for 3 kids now grown and telling me I need to do things for myself. I really don't know who I want to be. I don't know where to go now that I'm not young enough to go back to school. (I can't focus doing online classes.) Husband very busy and not really "present" when he is home. It's sad. I don't know where to go from here.
Thank you so much! I’ve been thinking about visiting a psychiatrist for a while now but couldn’t get myself into doing it. This is such an eye opener. This is really what I needed to hear. God bless you! ❤️
Hi. Just wanted to say that I like all the vlogs that you do but this one was special for me. Thank you so much.