Exactly. A therapist once told me “Don’t focus on labeling someone. Focus on how their words and behaviors make you feel.” That was a 💡 moment. When our partners are acting up, being toxic and abusive, instead of getting out of there, we start Googling around trying to figure them out. No, suggest they get help (depending on what is going on) and if they don’t and you don’t see positive changes, get out.
interesting about jealousy... two things come to mind about my (FA) relationship with a DA partner about this topic 1. pretty early on after we reconnected i asked them about someone else & they said i wouldn't want to know if it was true then when i said of course i would they were surprised & shared they figured i'd be jealous then they were more confused when i told them of course i'd be but i'd rather know than find out later - they thanked me for being jealous but assured me there was nothing to worry about 2. i always figured it was part of the super privacy that's common among DAs when my partner &/or adult child (both DAs) are incredibly tight lipped about past relationships (my kiddo took a long time to tell me about their current one & we don't discuss it much) so i've taken as a sign of increased comfort being vulnerable that my partier's progressively opened up more about their past relationships i can see how things like scenario 1 could also be part of 2 but wondering how often that'd be the case...
Cheating is a deal breaker, either they have a darn good reason and change themselves and never do it again, or they're simply not worth it at all. There are honest good people out there worth our time and investing.
😢 i am an avoidant young woman. I hate that about myself. How do i get better. I even avoid dating men. I flirt for a while, and then the idea of a relationship really scares me. And most times, draining.
Test 1. I do that. I usually say when i have made up my mind noone can convince me otherwise. Test 2. Hmmm, i dont like taking favours, esp from people i know like me. But maybe i do that unknowingly Test 3. I do that too. When i am doing that i just want to reassure myself if i really love them. I don't have trauma i know of
Also i always say relationships are tiresome and take away my freedom and space to do things i want. People try to convince me otherwise but it still doesn't make sense to me, cause they do.
This is not a typical avoidant trait; it could that the individual you know is like that as their personality, or you could be dealing with a narc rather than an avoidant. Narcs are known as users, exploiters and entitled. If they have the ''go and come back evasive'' thing it may well be a narc with FA attachment style and they're hoping you won't see behind their fake face, that's why they're evasive.
@Donald knowing and sticking to your personal boundaries is key (like I need that someone I'm dating call me at least once a week), then if they keep coming up against those they'll realize by themselves that maybe there's something they should change all by themselves. They're independent enough to work it out that they need to fix something in themselves... but putting their issue under examination as a big ''I can fix you'' project. and broadcasting it around, will surely backfire.
leaving and coming back several times feels like a test!
@@RancidPetals23 That’s not easy
Best and simplest test is how is this person making you feel. Do you feel safe with this person or confused?
Confused (with little explanation to understand).
Exactly. A therapist once told me “Don’t focus on labeling someone. Focus on how their words and behaviors make you feel.” That was a 💡 moment. When our partners are acting up, being toxic and abusive, instead of getting out of there, we start Googling around trying to figure them out. No, suggest they get help (depending on what is going on) and if they don’t and you don’t see positive changes, get out.
interesting about jealousy... two things come to mind about my (FA) relationship with a DA partner about this topic
1. pretty early on after we reconnected i asked them about someone else & they said i wouldn't want to know if it was true then when i said of course i would they were surprised & shared they figured i'd be jealous then they were more confused when i told them of course i'd be but i'd rather know than find out later - they thanked me for being jealous but assured me there was nothing to worry about
2. i always figured it was part of the super privacy that's common among DAs when my partner &/or adult child (both DAs) are incredibly tight lipped about past relationships (my kiddo took a long time to tell me about their current one & we don't discuss it much) so i've taken as a sign of increased comfort being vulnerable that my partier's progressively opened up more about their past relationships
i can see how things like scenario 1 could also be part of 2 but wondering how often that'd be the case...
What about fearful avoidant who lean dismissive? Same?
'Creating distance' often includes cheating 😥
What sucked was I let him and kept taking him back. So stupid. Young and dumb!
@@CynthiaWithLove young and optimistic sounds better 😀
Cheating is a deal breaker, either they have a darn good reason and change themselves and never do it again, or they're simply not worth it at all. There are honest good people out there worth our time and investing.
😢 i am an avoidant young woman. I hate that about myself. How do i get better. I even avoid dating men. I flirt for a while, and then the idea of a relationship really scares me. And most times, draining.
Test 1. I do that. I usually say when i have made up my mind noone can convince me otherwise.
Test 2. Hmmm, i dont like taking favours, esp from people i know like me. But maybe i do that unknowingly
Test 3. I do that too. When i am doing that i just want to reassure myself if i really love them.
I don't have trauma i know of
Also i always say relationships are tiresome and take away my freedom and space to do things i want. People try to convince me otherwise but it still doesn't make sense to me, cause they do.
💥LEVEL UP 💥 New skill unlocked: TRAUMA LANDMINE detection!
So good
This is helpful ! Curious Why are avoidants hoarders of money ? Prefer to spend your money and not theirs . Never pay you back .
This is not a typical avoidant trait; it could that the individual you know is like that as their personality, or you could be dealing with a narc rather than an avoidant. Narcs are known as users, exploiters and entitled. If they have the ''go and come back evasive'' thing it may well be a narc with FA attachment style and they're hoping you won't see behind their fake face, that's why they're evasive.
accurate
Great as usual. Keep it up! How do you get through to the avoidant to get to therapy to break this cycle?
Dope shirt by the way!
Thanks Donald. Appreciate you being here. That’s a journey that each avoidant can only predict
@Donald knowing and sticking to your personal boundaries is key (like I need that someone I'm dating call me at least once a week), then if they keep coming up against those they'll realize by themselves that maybe there's something they should change all by themselves. They're independent enough to work it out that they need to fix something in themselves... but putting their issue under examination as a big ''I can fix you'' project. and broadcasting it around, will surely backfire.
You don’t. You have self-respect, walk away and look for a mutually rewarding relationship with someone who will reciprocate.