1) Obsessively trying to recreate our happiest memories 2) Assume that our feelings are always wrong 3) Attaching to others in unhealthy ways ... real, fictional, celebrities, etc 4) Viewing ourselves as others see us without them knowing our back-story...also,gaslighting ourselves
I understand #4 as: Gaslighting ourselves by acting like we don't know our backstory such as how others view their lives through a lens of relative ignorance.
There was a time in my life where I had accomplished my goals. And during that time, both of my kids were still living at home, and I was married. So I have this memory of just sitting at the table in my dining room, having a cup of coffee and looking out the window at the hydrangeas, and the apple tree, looking around myself at the house and furniture, and realizing that was the "heart" of my life - right there, right then. I was in my 30s, I owned a house, I had a family. And that's my "happy place" that I go back to in my mind. I don't see anything wrong with that. A lot of bad things happened a few years later, and a few years before. So that was the "eye of the storm". And I treasure that memory and that time. It's not bad to have places you save in your mind where you can go to a very safe and familiar place.
Similar. Thanks for sharing that. I'm 60 now. My oldest son is 27, the other day he sent some photos from when he and his brother were just munchkins. Best days ever.
@@luzlopez776 I think you missed something here. This is a quote from a famous philosopher who is comparing LIFE to a river and saying that no one can go back and re-live a moment in time because life, like a river, is constantly flowing and changing. To Dr. Eiler’s point: You can never make everything exactly the way it was. And even if you could magically make life/the river be just like it was somehow, YOU as a person are different than you were when you had the original experience and therefore you view it in a different way. So not only is the river different, the person crossing it is different. That is why no one (whether they are man/woman/nonbinary/etc. - gender is irrelevant here) can cross the same “river” (i.e. have the same exact experience) twice.
This is for Kendall the hardest part is walking into a business where you’re not familiar meeting new people smiling brightly…… of all people my mother almost forced me to go to a dance yes, I like to wear bright colors, but I know nothing about dancing, except watching Fred Astaire movies….. go to an Elks dance go to a birthday party with Dance go to a Latin salsa class those of the most fun anything Latin is easier than waltz, etc….. Anyone that is Mexican Latin Cuban Puerto Rican the men all know how to dance it’s completely different society, men dance ,,,,,!,,,,,,!! 20 years later, I am competing dancing, and my whole life has changed and so many nice men if you have an attitude against men, the men that dance are all polite.
You can try having a positivity only journal where you write down the positive things that have happened in the day on your phone and then write them in a journal at the end of your day. Anything as insignificant as a fart making you giggle
I've discovered, not through depression per se, but through health issues that limit me, that if you go a long time without positive memories being formed, your mind does not possess enough healthy references to keep you mentally well.
But they are worse because they accompany depression, not on their own. It's the combinations of mental and physical exhaustion that really f*cks you up.
I am 78 and am still sharp. I understand your first point to the fullest. The old fishing place is now different, the old school is different and all the things I loved are either physically gone or spiritually missing. There is a profound emptiness when I seek what was.
I do, too. I feel emptiness, loss, and even grief when I visit my old hometown, which is now a dilapidated and almost lifeless place. I guess I'm looking for my childhood memories, but they are not there. Is that what they mean by "you can never go back home?" Then I realized that I am still making new good memories.
I'm only 23 but I have to actively look for and double-take aspects of the suburb where I grew up as the same- even the in-built timeline feature in Google Maps street view of my house's street alone over the last 10 years wasn't haunting but like the same feeling you get when sitting in a small row boat and lying back to feel that barely perceptible feeling of slight motion and stretched over a decade
That second point: "some of your feelings are valid" 😭 As a recently-diagnosed AuDHDer who spent the first 40 years of her life being told she was being over-sensitive, ridiculous, and unreasonable, and who internalised that as invalidating every emotional response ever, THANK YOU.
it’s really liberating to finally realise the feelings aren’t always wrong🥲 When I was a kid I was somehow diagnosed with depression at 9 year old, and it’s now in my blood that every time I’m unhappy it’s because I’m sick and need to step up anti-depressants. In fact now I look back, the formal psychologist report at that time says I didn’t have a mental illness diagnosis, but my mom and elder sister were indeed depressed and traumatised… so I was told that having sad feelings is a part of brain being sick. As a kid I just absorbed what was taught and it’s affected so much even now…. Only to realise sadness isn’t always sickness and the I had every reason to be unhappy, and it’s okay. Such an important point🥲
I can absolutely relate! My favorite addition was “If you’d just live up to your potential..” Well, If I had a freaking nickel for every time you said that, I wouldn’t need to, would I? There are a few things (dopamine regulation!! That are a challenge, but honestly, there are many facets of my personality that I value, that are tied in to my ADHD. Your feelings are valid. Most importantly, your positive feelings about who you are? Those are 100% valid. For the record, I love ridiculousness! I don’t know if Marilyn Monroe really said “I’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring”, but someone did and they were absolutely correct.
Jesus will help you. Surrender your life to Christ by obeying the gospel. Read the Bible it shows you what is sin and what is good so you can know how to go to heaven.
@@Jesuslordoflords-y4mNot everyone can read the Bible & find some answers. It's fine you encourage the Bibical approach but when we are still living on earth to focus on going to heaven does not work to solve the fact our lives have mental health issues that we want to resolve or over come on earth. After our earthly life concludes when ever that is will still allow us to feel more or less happy with life on earth. Glad you have found your answer. I respect that.
my opinion : LIVE NOW not in a past because past will hold you back . LIVE NOW, and leave the morning for tomorrow to make itself . as LOrd Jesus says : Matthew 6:34 (kjv) Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. that means : LIVE NOW : LIVE MORROW ; LIVE and be present time.
Agreed... and It wouldn't have taken such a lengthy clip. Although I like this chap (and am subscribed & like his clips to help his channel), I find the same "commonalities" with other "online therapists": Long and (sometimes) boring explanations of the obvious ending with the so well-known "come to therapy" and burn 200 dollars per hour, because you must "work" on your "healing" [funny enough, this lad does not tend to do that, or at least he didn't do so in this one]... Ayyyy.... ayyy.... ay...🥱
Can I get a major award for the longest time not dating / not in a relationship? I'm not ace and not aro. I just quit trying. Other than hanging out with a few dudes as friends, I haven't dated / been in a relationship in 14 years. I'm not going to unpack trauma in a public space. Hobbies and intellectual interests are more emotionally fulfilling than boyfriends. My gut instinct has s*** for brains. I'm really bad at relationships. That makes me the winner of not dating! I'm the best at something! Woohoo!
I got out ofvan abusive relationship after years of trying. I was single for 8 years and blissfully happy. An old boyfriend from 29 years ago kept coming to my mind. Eventually I found him & we went through HELL for 6 years but now we're finally on the same page. Never say never like i did.
The end of next month will mark 13 for me since I've been involved in a serious relationship. Being single was new for me - I'd had a few consecutive long term relationships since my very first date at 16. After that though, I made the conscious decision to not date for over 2 years in order to work on my own issues. But then thought I'd give it a try. I dated casually quite a bit the next five years.... Regarding that experience, extremely unfulfilling is probably an understatement. I finally gave up. It's now been 5 years since my last date. I don't necessarily believe that I'm bad at relationships - I've just come to the conclusion that my picker is broken. I do agree with you, there are so many more fulfilling hobbies and activities that can replace the goal of being in an intimate relationship! I am completely comfortable on my own, although I do sometimes have very brief twinges of envy when I see happy couples. The keyword is happy. What other legitimate reason is there to be intimately involved with another person if either of you is miserable? 😞
@@gusferrana2281That is a beautiful story ❤ I wish you so much success! I may have had a similar experience, but as I was searching to reconnect with my sweet high school boyfriend, I came upon his obituary. 😢
14 years here, by choice. Great minds think alike...lol Nada biggie for me, personally. Prefer guys a touch over chix as friends. Easier. What I have noticed in my own life and many other females...trying to turn our male buddies, because and hubbies into BFFs(best FEMALE friends) LOL
I've just started a new relationship after 15 years of being single. I've been busy during that time raising my son on my own as a 24/7 single parent. I left his Dad when I was 16 weeks pregnant. It's been a long hard haul but after a lot of work on myself, I found peace there. Relationships bring up different challenges. Although my current partner is a wonderful man sometimes I think I'd prefer the peace. We'll see. 🕊
Dr. Scott, I really appreciate your opinions. I am a decade or more older than you but you’re very good at articulating so much of what I have experienced. So this is just a note of encouragement for you to keep it up. You are providing great service here.
I do, too, and I refuse to stop. Because I don't think I'm just trying to recreate a feeling, but to remember true values and that there really were good people who had good thoughts and dreams and who wished them for others.
Mine has been TV sitcom's from back n the days when life was just having to go to school come home Maybe homework 🤔 eat sleep rinse & repeat. No responsibilities. It's a short disassociation but it's a mini break from today's reality. Unless I have them on auto play.
This reply, hidden among other makes so much sense to me. Thanks for stating it so clearly, there's a ton of good building blocks when we remember those times, REMINDING ourselves there ARE good, compassionate, caring beings out there all the time. Those memories are lifesavers for me, giving me strength to go ahead. In this case, I don't agree with the therapist the first part of the video.
Believe me most of the best books nowadays are children's ones! Who doesn't reread books! I love Alice Through the Looking Glass; I think I've read it about 10 times at the moment.
great message at the end there. perfectly encapsulated. you know what you went through, it makes sense. sometimes you can be in such a survival mode, isolation, dysregulation that you genuinely cant/don’t remember anything too, making it way worse.
I held my breath waiting for you to say "exaggerated" when speaking about emotions and emotional reactions of people with mental illness(es).....then you said "heightened" and I knew I had been doing exactly as you were saying....calling myself "over-reactive" and invalidating most of what I feel. That and the tears started less than 2mins in......this one really hit home. Some day, eventually, there will be a video of yours I watch and feel passive enough about it to not comment. (JK, I enjoy that you inspire lurker, introvert me to speak out, it's a testament to how well you frame these lessons or skills)
This was perfect in a really funny way, I watched up to 3:00 minutes and paused, thinking about older times that were happy and I opened a discord message of a song I sent to a friend (he''s always chill and cool) months ago, now we don't really talk that often because he is busy, but I know that when he eventually sees the message he will vibe to the song and it just made me quite happy as well of being able to make music and share it even if it's not super refined yet. It just made me realize I can still be happy now and still have my confidence I use to have, even though I was already in a bad mood due to outside circumstances. Then I came back to the video and you went on to say pretty much the exact same thing.
Not only do they not care! They don't believe you. No one does. You have a mental illness. It's all in your mind now. So people can wrong you and your reaction will be "crazy" to an "imagined event" anyway. To me this is the absolute worst part of depression (along with fatigue). Ironically, this creates a REALLY vicious cycle, I have observed with myself and other friends, that people know they can treat you badly and since you will not be taken seriously, there are no ramifications. This might lead you to mistrust people (with some actual truth to it), which is yet another mental health system. You tell your therapist and boom! You're on dopamine blockers (like Abilify), which makes absolutely no sense chemically, it's just a modern lobotomy. Now that you've been on the dopamine blockers they are so eager to give to everyone and their dog, you are DEFINITELY crazy in everyone's eyes, and NOTHING you say can be taken seriously. So next time someone hurts you, cycle repeated, only worse. And the sad part is, this will really make your mental illness much much worse, and it doesn't have to be this way. We just need a new healthcare system
@@maridonis542The last two entries are Depresiom talking. When I engage in my recovery from depression. my outlook is lifted. I take a small SSRI/day, exercise 10 minutes/day, eat as well as I can and watch funny animals or babies on UTUBE...silly mybe but it helps me diminish thoughts of war, iinjustice and death. try iit friends, might serve you a little. Blessings
Forgiveness is a gift to yourself and doesn't require a single thing from those who hurt you, not repentence, not acknowledgment, nothing. They can literally be dead. Reading Forgiveness: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Get on With Your Life and following the process in the book transformed my life. It's not theoretical, it's a how-to book and worth the effort.
Yes, but!!! Some of my best emotionally comforting times was (even though I was going thru horrendous depression/active alcoholism & divorce) was when I turned on my TV and watched a British Sitcom. Say what you will, laugh if you must, I never fantasized about the TV characters lives, but watching it really lifted my spirits. I was always glad to come home from work & turn it on, even while cleaning the house, paying bills, etc. I was lucky enough to get into rehab yrs. later, but to this day, if I'm having an emotional downturn, I will watch that show on You Tube. I never wanted to be them, but I certainly was helped by them!
This is so incredibly insightful. It's exactly as you say. Because I've come to think of all my emotions as out of proportion and not legitimate, I tend to blame myself for everything first, therefore losing touch with reality. I myself and by default invalidate everything that I feel thinking I am the problem. The problem, at times at least, lies also with reality, though, but it seems I never see it this way. It's all about me, all in my head, painfully disconnected from reality. All quite arrogant to think about it,in a way! This is definitely something I need to work on. Thank you so much, Dr. Scott.
Beautifully said. I completely understand. Partly from having a mother who told me, "You're too sensitive" when I said I was hurt by the nasty things she said to me. Having a family who is always finding fault with you even though they do awful things just to provoke an emotional reaction so they can laugh and call you crazy. Wishing you all the best on your journey and that you can surround yourself with safe people and avoid toxic work environments. That's what makes all the difference.
@@firehorse9996 Thank you so much for saying so and for sharing. Yes, "you're too sensitive" is something that most definitely rings a bell here. Something I, too, was told as child. What is that even supposed to mean, I wonder? As if we could choose our emotions! So, little by little but steadily, I learned to suppress my feelings, one way or another. Until I felt no longer and couldn't identify my feelings anymore. I trudged and before I knew it, developed a series of affective disorders. I look back and can barely make sense of life that has passed. A lifetime later almost, not sure how exactly, something shifted in me and I can see it now. If there was just one thing I wish to share with my fellow human beings, it would be : please don't lose yourself, stay in touch with your inner thruth, with your own feelings. You know your story, as Dr. Scott points out. I hope I'm making sense, English is my second language but I don't get to practise it often, I'm Italian, writing from Italy, so also forgive my belated reply. Thanks again for your warm words, sending love your way, hope also I didn't overshare.
I think the key is self-esteem and assertiveness. They are essential to believe in yourself and to stand up for yourself, because others will happily bring you down and not support you, otherwise. But I don't know how to get those things. Assertiveness is learnable, apparently.
@@sanataj I think you're correct. And assertiness is definitely something we can learn. As to self-esteem, it is most certainly key. But when we get sucked up into this all , I guess we lose touch also with the basic skills we need to function (as some self-esteem is, in my view).
My most sustained, cherished and efficient relationships are those I have with people who I told my back story and they didn’t disdain me or bully me, rather offered me help in the direction I desired. One of them, I call him ‘Heart of Gold’. I believe there are more of him.
Too often I scroll past your videos. But every single time I sit and listen, I am amazed at how in the mark you are. I had and still have a tendency to replay the moments that felt unlike the rest of my life. I road a crest of euphoria that I felt justified in holding on to. But dwelling in it only kept me from learning live and be grateful for everything life has laid at my doorstep. And it in and of itself is an abundance of positive energy. Keep enlightening. Know your words are helping someone. They certainly help me.
oh my gosh. oh my GOSSHSHSSHSHSHSHSH. the beginning pertaining to recreating the past almost made me cry. you hit the nail on the head, i’m gonna change this immediately bcuz of course i want to have special moments more.
Going 'back' to special moments is difficult for me, I have them, but I am usually so very unhinged that they get pushed aside. Your explanation hits home with me. But the thing that pulls me out of the present are not the good memories, it's the hurtful ones. When triggered, those hurtful times loom large. I find some solace in working on today's potential for good times, so I guess we arrive at the same place. "It's not what's happening outside of you..." Yes. Even 'good' memories for me are shadowed by internal anxieties. The confluence of good outside and good inside vibes is so rare with me that I am hard pressed to think of any. You have to feel like you have 'resources' in the first place...feeling 'not good enough' meant I would constantly cleave to those around me who (seemed) good enough! I had no way to get there for myself. It always ended with a boatload of hurt for me. I stopped doing that. I spent nearly 5 decades in the dark as to why I had many severe mental hangups. Had I known the root cause (early childhood trauma) I might have started a healing journey long ago. But my subconscious mind literally blocked all...all memory of the trauma as a causative thing. When the truth finally surfaced, I had my first nervous breakdown.
God bless you. I found a sign at a thrift store last month that says, "Create the things you wish existed." And it made me think that any and everything good that has ever been in this world has been by someone who did that, and not only did that, but who learned to SPOT the naysayers quickly, even the sly ones who pretend to be kind, but through whose kinds words come little cutdowns, and to get rid of them, protecting, instead, the good they are trying to create, and not wasting time with "destroyers."
I really love what you say about chronically distrusting our feelings and thinking we are always wrong. Thank you for letting us know we can believe our perceptions of red flags.
I would like a deeper breakdown on "gaslighting ourselves." There is gaslighting in my family of origin, and I have done a lot of work, but I know this (gaslighting self) is something that I don't fully identify, when it happens. I feel bad when I know I am being scrutinized, even when I know the other person has no clue what they're talking about, even when logically I know the judgement is incorrect, or a cognitive distortion. I think I associate being watched with being punished. There wasn't a way to win, no consistent rules, and that's sort of the vibe I have been feeling again, recently.
If it helps at all, one way I have used it in the workplace is understanding that I, as well, don’t know them or what they’ve been through. If you tell your coworkers you are seriously sick, they may worry about you or only worry that your work doesn’t get done. We can’t control what they think or say, and that’s a good thing for us. It is not for us to worry about and serves no purpose. I also in a weird desperate attempt to get myself to do this is by almost acting like I’m doing the day for the first time, and I haven’t worked at this job before, I know no one. That helps me connect that they don’t want to hurt me and don’t trigger anything for me. Unraveling CPTSD is hard and it is very real, so treat it as such and like you’re your own best friend🫂❤️
@PaigeSquared very insightful. Some don't care and aren't aware lead monitoring spirit. Cruel but no always aware so speak up. Sometimes just respond, don't react if it's worth a lesson learned
The one about acting like you don't know your own backstory is a huge one for me. Just last night I was feeling awful about myself because I couldn't stop thinking that I'm a super arrogant, self-absorbed idiot. And like... hating myself... for only caring about myself...?? The sheer irony. How does that make any sense??
I was beating myself up and I finally realized, "There are plenty of people who want to beat me up. Why help them?" Then I started catching every Automatic Negative Thought and I learned how to contradict them.
@@susanmercurio1060 I have spent the last two months slowly and carefully dropping off "friends" who take little potshots at me. I think of it as them constantly taking little bites out of me. And my thoughts that led to this break were just what you say: That there are plenty of people out there willing to beat me down--bushel loads of them, they are quite common--I do not need more of them. They only exist to keep me from my goals, which I want to spend my time trying to reach, instead of spending my time and energy having to heal from the wounds of being around them.
To be fair, it is very hard not to be self-absorbed when nearly every time one reaches out with a smile or kind word, one is rebuffed, sometimes rudely. Other people simply do not WANT kindness and love. But it is good to still lavish it out on something besides self, like pets, plants, nature, God, teddy bears, SOMEthing. I also love the backstory part of this video, and like to think of the positive side of it, too, like remembering all the GOOD people and things that have happened in one's past, especially tiny little things that mattered to one's own heart, though to no one else's, things at which, even if you told them now, other people would still belittle and scoff . . . keep them close to one's heart as a "backstory of love." You know: once a hummingbird hovered right outside the kitchen window to say hi to me; once I was able to release a rabbit from a too-small cage; once someone smiled at me on the metro when I was having my saddest day. . . once I climbed up and got something off the top shelf for a senior in a ridey-cart at the grocery store. Life seems set up to try to erase the quiet good things, but they are really there, and we need to side with them. Sorry, just some morning thoughts that ran away with me. : -)
@@FG-ie7cuthanks for finding the beauty in this world. It's ever present, and only takes us to close our eyes and hearts to them and forget all about them. I hope you have a great rest of your day.
Words can never express how much you help - how amazingly understandably you articulate issues that we have but do not know why we have them. I also wish that people who comment could meet up and form a little group (like a book reading club), with the aim of discussing your last videos and sharing how it came across for each of us. Clearly we all have something to work on, otherwise we would not watch your videos with such gratitude. People who appreciate your experience would undoubtedly also appreciate each other and bring joy to each other. Alas ! It‘s not possible. The difference with „ordinary“ self help groups would be, that the evening would from the outset be based on a specific subject (like a book that we read) that you have raised and we all would know the same thoughts that you have voiced. Anyway, thanks again so much - please never stop.
I'm glad you said this. I keep returning to places that remind me of when my life was seemingly better...but I don't ever feel that same feeling. This makes sense.
Thanks Scott, awareness of issues without answers is good to contemplate. I often talk to my wellness and say ‘it’s not answers you seek, it’s better questions’
Dude I needed this,thanks. Totally put her on a pedestal and just let myself get absolutely smashed by all the emotional abuse, let myself down big time. Much love everyone ✌️
Thank you, Dr. Scott. We always look forward to seeing your premiers. You are brilliant, insightful, and so very, very articulate, in case no one has told you so today. : -) Striking clarity. ❤
Every now and again I watch a vid of yours. And you have yet to let me down yet 👍🏾 At 63 been to lots of therapists shrinks etc. Non as honest as you. Thank You 🙏🏼 💜
7:10 I started to gaslight myself saying I’m being overly dramatic and my ex husband ran with that a lot and very rarely did he ever take responsibility for his actions. Like I would get hurt and I was so brainwashed that it was all in my head that I had light myself and he and his mother treated me very badly. Talking down to me calling me names. I was the hurt of jokes. And in their heads it was endearing. UNTIL his sister got married. She got married later in life and so her husband was out of college and a well established police officer. And he is a thick skinned guy right? Well I am not a person to talk behind anyone’s back in their family. So one day I was over with my mother-in-law and she was much happier than usual. She was giggling and I asked what was going on. And she said that she was happy for a date coming up in a month. And I said what’s happening then? And she said “I will be able to joke with Chuck again in a month.” I was so confused and asked what was that about. And she told me that almost a year ago that her daughter spoke with her and said that she wasn’t allowed to “joke” with her son-in-law for a year. And I asked why. And she sort of didn’t want to say why so she just said “Sandra said my jokes weren’t funny to Chuck.” So several things were sake up bells for me that very conversation. 1. I wasn’t the only one who was offended by her joking around. 2. It may not all be in my head. 3. I have a right to be upset and have my feelings. (Because I spent a good amount of years thinking my feelings were not real.) 4. There is something so wrong about her because she had a boundary set in place and she didn’t have any self reflection. 5. She viewed the entire situation as a challenge and joke itself. A game she would win because her daughter said the boundary was for one full year she was not allowed to tell jokes around her son-in-law. 6. I knew right then and there that I was in a losing battle if I ever spoke up to her about her verbal and emotional abuse toward me. And it was time to start going no contact because that conversation made me realize I was her robot. I allowed her to turn me into her little monkey to do with how she pleased. I was comfortable being there but I was not myself. I was a shell of who I was before I got married. It was hard and I tried to just be around her son when I went no contact. My ex husband was sort of happy that I stopped being around his mom too. Then I realized after awhile he was two faced and wanted to be loyal to both sides for his needs to be met. He lied to me many times. He would speak badly of me with his mother. He told me that he didn’t like his mom and o it liked his dad and they were a package deal. I was like wow. That is like so warped and troubling. So yeah I’m struggling still to this day to work through my feelings. And most of all to feel pride in myself and know my self worth to boost my self confidence and esteem. Sorry to ramble but this hits home for me. I hope we all can face and win over our battles.
Thanks doc Scott! I find that figuring out which emotions are extreme given my situation and which aren't as well as addressing my agoraphobia and fear/ lack of relationships is where therapy is still essential to me even though my meds are keeping me fairly functional. Although, I did recently realise that even my therapist didn't understand how severe my agoraphobia has become.
The first one, obsessively trying to recreate the happiest times of our life, is so true for me. That explains how my Spotify playlist seems to be comprised mostly of songs that are 20-40 years old. I started getting depressed 10 years ago, and 95+% of the songs are from 10+ years ago
That is actually quite normal. Most people stay with the music and artists that they listened to / discovered in their late teens and twenties. Serious music people move with new trends and artists, but most don’t.
I do hear what he says, but, for me, if I hadn't had those old songs to hold onto (Christmas ones, especially) and old books and keepsakes, I could not have made it through some of my hardest times. It must be about keeping balance and perspective in doing so.
I'm amazed, this video actually addresses relatable symptoms and describes them in a sensible and nuanced way; non-judgmental, condescending or covertly proselytism. I admit every time you started to talk about an issue, I was expecting it to be "the dopamine fiend" or "the physical exercise panacea". I was delighted to be wrong. Have my like, doctor.
Just found your channel and wow, sir, you have created a veritable goldmine of help and understanding. Kudos! I'm excited to start working with these ideas!
realized how much I resonate with the four things people with mental illness do without thinking. As someone who has struggled with anxiety and depression, I often catch myself in these patterns-like overanalyzing conversations or isolating myself when I feel overwhelmed. The video made me more aware of these habits and helped me understand that I'm not alone in experiencing them. Recognizing these behaviors is the first step towards changing them, and I’ve started to be more mindful of my actions and thoughts. It’s comforting to know that there are ways to manage and improve.
I just saw a video about low vibrational people and how draining they are and self-destructive. There was another video, which didn't watch. He said stop dwelling on the past - bring your mind back to the present and make the most of it. I have those symptoms. I think that is why I am so alone and so anxious and insecure. Nobody wants a needy person. But not being liked or wanted only makes you more needy. I also saw a video by Paul McKenna, who is a famous UK hypnotist. He said people's brains are occupied with worry about potential catastrophies and it squeezes out creativity.. Hypnosis can reset the brain.
@@MelModica Too much philosophy. Social anxiety is suppressed anger. Learning how to feel anger and to express anger in healthy manner - is all that we need to do.
i am really grateful and gain so much from like alllll your videos and never comment. but even though everyone says it - this video especially rn but just you're so affable and spot on and I'm an MD and can access whatever...it's hard to access authenticity and scientific dissemination and just ...good and virtue in this time/world. Thanks dude. for getting it and being it. helps me.
Dr Scott thank you so much for your videos. Since I discovered your channel I've never missed a single uploaded video from you. I learn a lot from you, doc. Keep educating us. I love you, doc ❤
I couldn't remember any happy times. Lately, I had not one but two bursts of happiness. I thought, "Oh, great! I finally know what happiness feels like!"
@@susanmercurio1060 Susan, you hang out with me I’m super fun. I’ve been to Guam Hawaii five different states. I’ve been to Europe in the 70s lived in So California been in Mexico. I’ve been to Vegas 30 times you have to travel. Travel.
@@shanlange6331I traveled all over the lower 48 states when I was young. Those were the days when a woman traveling alone was still kind of looked down on: the early 1960s and 70s. I never could afford to travel to Europe. Now I realize that I have never had a stable home, so I am focusing on providing myself with a safe home. I would love to hang out with you!
Not sure if we're supposed to be happy. Most old-school religions certainly did not think so It's more about having a purpose. It can be as simple as volunteering at a soup kitchen. But since depression kills your motivation, it is hard to find the purpose. This is the issue. I genuinely think focusing on happiness is akin to collecting instagram likes and is not the way to go (it is basically a dopamine chasing behaviour). So go for purpose. I have been the most content (not happy, but content) when i have had a purpose.
thank you, it’s really great to have some guide on how to deal with reality when you HAVE a diagnosis, you are not just sad or short-term depressed, you are not a normal guy struggling on self-development, but you are bipolar / anxious / major depressed or whatever, and you have to keep in mind that life can appear much different from what regular healthy people write in books like “10 skills you need to succeed and be happy”.
I was working at a place for 4 years. This lady straight up told me “You are too nice” it really set me off. I don’t trust many people anymore. I was only really nice because I have hurt people in my past and I deeply regret it and I can’t take those moments back and fix it that is not how time works. And now I have people being really hostile towards me and I just either take it or leave the situation. I am not good at confronting people at all. I probably should go back to therapy. 🤷♂
I've bin hurt a lot in my past so I've bin careful in my words not to hurt others..my intent is loving...recently I adopted a new piece of advice..don't take anything personal cuz that's about that person not me..this advice is so freeing to be positive authentic loving..
You're not responsible for other people's behavior (hostile etc), only for your own. I always repeat this in my head when I meet or interact with someone with a nasty attitude towards me. I try not to let their behavior change mine. Sometimes difficult to do, but will help keep you based. Another thing, don't let others tell you who you are.
3up----- Therapy might help, I dunno. But please remember that you are worth as much as anyone else & their hostility is a fault of theirs not yours. And you talked about regrets etc.....I have realized too late that (for me anyway) knowing I hurt someone else...hurts worse than being hurt. So I applaud your "niceness", there are too few of you around.
I went to a therapist who told me that all my feelings were wrong, he was like the most negative voice in my head made flesh. It was actually worse than that, he thought I was delusional, he didn't even believe the things I had told him and I had to provide evidence to prove that they were true, it felt like my sanity was on trial. Invalidating your own feelings is pretty common and pretty rough, but having a qualified professional invalidating your feelings and reality is even harder. Just because someone is in a position of authority, doesn't make them right and you shouldn't let them dictate how you should feel.
Thank you, this is very useful. It always fascinates me, how in therapy we talk a lot about the simple or even obvious things and how small action can make a real difference.
Its been about a year since i left my toxic job and decided i was going to treat myself with more respect patience and care than i have in the past. And your videos have been great for giving me ways to learn and deal with my chronic anxiety. Its still difficult but the added understanding has really helped me prioritize what I should be focusing on as someone who has this condition instead of doing things the way everyone expects me to. Thank you
Thank you for you valuable education and awareness- so appreciated! And I love how genuine you are-well done for staying true to who you are! Look at what a difference you are making!
I have tears streaming down my face rewatching the part where you said I need to minimize this attachment I have with an actor / performer. I have spent so much money and time on this attachment. I have tried to minimize it but as soon as this person starts a new project, the attachment grows again. I honestly feel that if I were to “detach” , I would have a breakdown and that scares me. I have had other attachments throughout many years of my life with certain books or movies. When those attachments subsided and gradually ended, it was because a particular film or book was not mainstream anymore or a particular person took on a project that wasn’t as appealing to me. Reflecting now, those times when I didn’t have an attachment were periods of sadness that only ended when I discovered a new thing or person who brought me joy again. This current attachment will continue their career and with social media and other fans who’ve become friends providing the new content that comes out about this person, the attachment will stay the same. I am also extremely attached to one of my family members. I really need the content you are planning. I want to let you know I’ve been seeing mental health professionals for my disorder since 2008 and they have helped me…but I know I should not go on like this. I have to choose to stop and it’s very hard despite their help.
You just described me driving for 3 Days to try to experience something that made me happy 8 years ago, I can't afford to do it but it seems like it's all I have. It's almost like I expect to see my ex-girlfriend and my dog that passed away in the meantime. I hate being like this
We have had mental health issues in the family, my dad and some of his siblings and my cousins, so I used to wonder if I would be affected by unfortunate genetics in that sense. Thanks for your checklist as I confirm that I have been spared and can now identify the tendencies I should continue to avoid. Appreciate it!
Thank you for this. This hit home so much. I would cry if I was not so emotionally stunted cuz I felt really seen and understood. I have escaped existing as much as I can for my entire life. Videogames. Roleplaying. Movies on repeat. In regards to the second one; is why I sometimes would ask other people indirectly if how I feel makes sense, (not by sharing how I feel but more so proposing to them a situation impartially otherwise I'd fear they'd just tell me how I feel is right to be nice) and have them share their opinion about it. Like, I'd just ask them a general question such as how would you feel if someone did this or that to you? The crux there is also that their own judgement, while sound or not, may also be influenced by their backstory. I only NOW have this epiphany. Heh. To carry on though, at some point, when dealing with someone whom I felt was toxic but not trusting my own feelings so looking up how to tell if someone was, I also read that narcissists tend to often ask for others to validate their feelings all the time so then I started to gaslight myself into thinking that I must be some horrible nasty narcissist myself for needing such validation so then I stopped asking for it altogether. Now, when I am really dealing with a difficult situation I tend to ask AI for its opinion on matters, because I just don't trust my own brain at all. Yeah, I've sunken that low. I am at the point right now where I've been working hard to accept my own feelings as valid more often. Even if they may be influenced by my mental issues and baggage, the fact is that the way my brain works and my emotional baggage is part of me and I am trying to quit denying myself the self-empathy I so sorely need. That doesn't mean I will ever use my issues as an excuse to be awful or unreasonable. But what it DOES mean is that I accept and don't blame myself for feeling how I do. It means I do give myself the room, the freedom to feel the way I do. What I do with it, is still hard because I still tend to keep it internal and let people walk over me. But... it's a start! Starting therapy for all of this, next week too! Long time coming.
OMG. You are so amazing for real. I Have GAD. and the first mentioned thing you mentioned was so accurate like it made feel you are taking about me personally. Gob bless you sharing these information for free🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰
Thank you, doctor! It's nice to do a reality check now and then =) I sometimes get totally mad, after that I strongly doubt my emotions, but what comforts me is that I tell my relatives that this happens to me, so my Mom, for example, knows she should not take it as smth personal. No matter what I feel (and if it's right or wrong) it's good to Talk to people you love and explain them your feelings. We both have atypical depressive disorder, so, talking helps immensely. She sometimes hides her negative feelings (considering them wrong), and this is one of things I get mad about, so we talk a loooot =)
Wow thanks for this. For years ive been mentally stuck in the past. A moment of reflection to my current state snapped me back, for lack of better words. Ive got a lot to look forward to! Cheers
Dollars to donuts... if there were a way for you to know what was going on in your mom's life at that time, your little 5-year-old self was probably happy because of what your mom was going through that had elevated her state of mind and added to your sense that all was right with the world.
Although number three does not apply to me, trust me I've done a full soul search, 1, 2 and 4 really applied. Your assessment really opened my eyes. I was kind of aware of them having an effect, but your delivery really hit the nail on the head. Thank you, this will help me to understand and work through my condition.
I don't know about this I mean I've Bipolar type 2 and my happiest memories are the birth of my three children which I was present for. That's an experience that's so beautiful and gives me a lift when my mental state is low. I would agree that past memories can be a muddled picture of different experiences and may give you a feeling of happy memories. I don't know about your third one in fact I don't even know in what context it means! Again, your fourth one is pretty much about individuals who were alone in their illness. As fifty five year old I've understood and have a very clear reasons or events leading to my hospitalisations and continued medical and therapeutic care over these past fifteen years. Severe depressive episodes don't come about because you're being reflective on past moments in your life or artificially reliving 'good moments' from your past life. To be in a severe depressive episode in your life is not based on what you describe as the four things 'people do without thinking.' I'm very surprised to hear a Doctor of Psychology be so simplistic in describing these four events as gospel in the annals of mental illness. It's like you're talking to a twenty plus age audience and even so it's a very 'one fits all' approach. Maybe psychiatry is administered differently in the US than here in Europe or in my case here in the Republic of Ireland. Your headline or heading 'people with mental illness do without thinking' is so demeaning. It's like characterising mental health patients in 'One flew over the Cuckoos Nest' as all the same.
Dr Scott just addressed things I have felt and are feeling- but I was always told it was “in my head” and I was imagining. Yeah- it is in my F-ing head.
totally right, thanks so much !! executing your life through someone else sounds like co-dependency. also. another thing, reflective of the examples, is not catching the moment because of unwarranted doubts, hesitation. and then the ruminitating and regrets follow.
This is amazing. I have done this so much..let other people push me around..second guessing myself, complying to others. Got me into a weird martiage frim a religious setting
"Don't act like you don't know your own backstory. Don't judge yourself from the lens of ignorance." A very good quote, you're right about it. I am writing it down.
Doc!! Pretty great! Thank you. It's ok you didn't "...offer solutions...", most of us learn the hard way, trial & error. I'm old, parents are long gone. Here’s a twist: yeah I hated my mother, violent, I'm living with damage, physical & emotional. Then reaching empty nest phase, she threw herself into therapy, really lightened up, mellowed out. Humbled herself, apologized, became a friend. Who am I to not forgive. Yet now, in therapy, I still gotta deal with that. It is said that we use what we have. Splitting is how I coped. Now I split my mother. There's the good mother she became, likewise the dark mother that inflicted pain. I maintain both
Thanks for this; Very helpful! I almost didn’t click on the video because I thought that it was going to be the same round of things that everyone says: getting enough sleep, eating correctly, exercise, etc.
Regarding the good times being seen as special because of the person's mindset as opposed to the things one was doing is a tough one to get around. Yet it was exactly doing things that pleased me that made me happy. In my case, as this sort of trauma person typifies, when I was playing music, socializing, attending school, etc. that made me happy. They make me happy when I do them in the present, which is nothing like college age. So why do I appreciate the '"state of mind" over activity perspective, all the same, I am happy when being a student, unhappy being a worker bee. My state of mind being a worker bee, again being an example, is to be frustrated due to boredom and inane ignorant people that might surround me. And yes, we talk ourselves out of everything!
Yeah it's hard to differentiate your moods as you think your in the wrong so I agree. It's the extremity of feeling that is the indicator, mania is quite obvious
The unusual thing about you is that there are millions of people who relate to every single word you're saying. And, there are a very small percentage of professional therapist, psychiatrists and other mental health professionals that could listen to you and understand or agree with even half of what you're saying. It's sad. It feels like getting help is like throwing a dart at an invisible dart board. Thank you for still making videos. I feel so happy and relieved for you. 💙
I totally agree. And i catch myself doing that alot. I am seeing a therapist weekly and a psychologist.. so i do have underline mental illnesses.. but my therapist sees i am trying to make my life better to heal myself and put myself frist. But i get off track easily. Lately it's been so hard to feel happy.
1) Obsessively trying to recreate our happiest memories
2) Assume that our feelings are always wrong
3) Attaching to others in unhealthy ways ... real, fictional, celebrities, etc
4) Viewing ourselves as others see us without them knowing our back-story...also,gaslighting ourselves
Thanks for that
Thank You!!
Really appreciate the summation. I heard a video recently that said "Unbrainwash yourself" guffaw
I understand #4 as: Gaslighting ourselves by acting like we don't know our backstory such as how others view their lives through a lens of relative ignorance.
“Obsessively” is too accurate 😅
There was a time in my life where I had accomplished my goals. And during that time, both of my kids were still living at home, and I was married. So I have this memory of just sitting at the table in my dining room, having a cup of coffee and looking out the window at the hydrangeas, and the apple tree, looking around myself at the house and furniture, and realizing that was the "heart" of my life - right there, right then. I was in my 30s, I owned a house, I had a family. And that's my "happy place" that I go back to in my mind. I don't see anything wrong with that. A lot of bad things happened a few years later, and a few years before. So that was the "eye of the storm". And I treasure that memory and that time. It's not bad to have places you save in your mind where you can go to a very safe and familiar place.
I wish you the best in your present life. Your good time memory was really lovely to read.
@@ellen4956 Ditto!! ❤️✨️
Similar. Thanks for sharing that.
I'm 60 now. My oldest son is 27, the other day he sent some photos from when he and his brother were just munchkins.
Best days ever.
A safe place
I relate to this a lot. ❤
Heraclitus said “No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it is not the same river and he’s not the same man.”
I love this
Brilliant.
So you're comparing women to rivers?? Not a smart metaphor
@@luzlopez776 I think you missed something here. This is a quote from a famous philosopher who is comparing LIFE to a river and saying that no one can go back and re-live a moment in time because life, like a river, is constantly flowing and changing.
To Dr. Eiler’s point: You can never make everything exactly the way it was. And even if you could magically make life/the river be just like it was somehow, YOU as a person are different than you were when you had the original experience and therefore you view it in a different way.
So not only is the river different, the person crossing it is different. That is why no one (whether they are man/woman/nonbinary/etc. - gender is irrelevant here) can cross the same “river” (i.e. have the same exact experience) twice.
@@luzlopez776no one said anything about women
The worst is that I only remember bad things and that stay stuck in my head forever, is really terrible and is exhausting.
Me too.
This is for Kendall the hardest part is walking into a business where you’re not familiar meeting new people smiling brightly…… of all people my mother almost forced me to go to a dance yes, I like to wear bright colors, but I know nothing about dancing, except watching Fred Astaire movies….. go to an Elks dance go to a birthday party with Dance go to a Latin salsa class those of the most fun anything Latin is easier than waltz, etc…..
Anyone that is Mexican Latin Cuban Puerto Rican the men all know how to dance it’s completely different society, men dance ,,,,,!,,,,,,!!
20 years later, I am competing dancing, and my whole life has changed and so many nice men if you have an attitude against men, the men that dance are all polite.
You can try having a positivity only journal where you write down the positive things that have happened in the day on your phone and then write them in a journal at the end of your day.
Anything as insignificant as a fart making you giggle
Fr
Yea, esp those times I was cruel and unthinking
I've discovered, not through depression per se, but through health issues that limit me, that if you go a long time without positive memories being formed, your mind does not possess enough healthy references to keep you mentally well.
Interesting.
Seems legit
Wow. Thats sobering. And scary.
Ok that’s really frightening because that’s going to be me soon!
Its true
They physical feelings of exhaustion that accompany depression are worse than the mental feelings
Sometimes I even have physical symptoms: my muscles ache or I feel sick.
But they are worse because they accompany depression, not on their own. It's the combinations of mental and physical exhaustion that really f*cks you up.
This is where I'm at mentally & physically,, I feel like I'm drowning in a tar pit and my body is filled with concrete.
@@audiolatte well said
Exactly 💯
I am 78 and am still sharp. I understand your first point to the fullest. The old fishing place is now different, the old school is different and all the things I loved are either physically gone or spiritually missing. There is a profound emptiness when I seek what was.
I do, too. I feel emptiness, loss, and even grief when I visit my old hometown, which is now a dilapidated and almost lifeless place. I guess I'm looking for my childhood memories, but they are not there. Is that what they mean by "you can never go back home?" Then I realized that I am still making new good memories.
@@Soapandwater6 I fully understand!
I'm only 23 but I have to actively look for and double-take aspects of the suburb where I grew up as the same- even the in-built timeline feature in Google Maps street view of my house's street alone over the last 10 years wasn't haunting but like the same feeling you get when sitting in a small row boat and lying back to feel that barely perceptible feeling of slight motion and stretched over a decade
@@Soapandwater6 I beleive that your "real" home is in your heart, not in your past.
That second point: "some of your feelings are valid" 😭
As a recently-diagnosed AuDHDer who spent the first 40 years of her life being told she was being over-sensitive, ridiculous, and unreasonable, and who internalised that as invalidating every emotional response ever, THANK YOU.
it’s really liberating to finally realise the feelings aren’t always wrong🥲
When I was a kid I was somehow diagnosed with depression at 9 year old, and it’s now in my blood that every time I’m unhappy it’s because I’m sick and need to step up anti-depressants. In fact now I look back, the formal psychologist report at that time says I didn’t have a mental illness diagnosis, but my mom and elder sister were indeed depressed and traumatised… so I was told that having sad feelings is a part of brain being sick. As a kid I just absorbed what was taught and it’s affected so much even now…. Only to realise sadness isn’t always sickness and the I had every reason to be unhappy, and it’s okay. Such an important point🥲
I can absolutely relate! My favorite addition was “If you’d just live up to your potential..”
Well, If I had a freaking nickel for every time you said that, I wouldn’t need to, would I?
There are a few things (dopamine regulation!! That are a challenge, but honestly, there are many facets of my personality that I value, that are tied in to my ADHD. Your feelings are valid. Most importantly, your positive feelings about who you are? Those are 100% valid. For the record, I love ridiculousness! I don’t know if Marilyn Monroe really said “I’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring”, but someone did and they were absolutely correct.
I know, right!???? Nice to hear a specialist encourage us!!!!!!!!❤ I knew this....but I question myself a lot.....😂
Jesus will help you. Surrender your life to Christ by obeying the gospel. Read the Bible it shows you what is sin and what is good so you can know how to go to heaven.
@@Jesuslordoflords-y4mNot everyone can read the Bible & find some answers. It's fine you encourage the Bibical approach but when we are still living on earth to focus on going to heaven does not work to solve the fact our lives have mental health issues that we want to resolve or over come on earth. After our earthly life concludes when ever that is will still allow us to feel more or less happy with life on earth. Glad you have found your answer. I respect that.
I hear you saying. "Go out and make new happy memories. Don't just obsess about some distant time in the past."
Don't live in your memories your whole life.
my opinion : LIVE NOW not in a past because past will hold you back . LIVE NOW, and leave the morning for tomorrow to make itself . as LOrd Jesus says : Matthew 6:34 (kjv)
Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself.
that means : LIVE NOW : LIVE MORROW ; LIVE and be present time.
I try my upmost to not think about my past because I was so happy before my life changing bike accident.
Agreed... and It wouldn't have taken such a lengthy clip. Although I like this chap (and am subscribed & like his clips to help his channel), I find the same "commonalities" with other "online therapists": Long and (sometimes) boring explanations of the obvious ending with the so well-known "come to therapy" and burn 200 dollars per hour, because you must "work" on your "healing" [funny enough, this lad does not tend to do that, or at least he didn't do so in this one]... Ayyyy.... ayyy.... ay...🥱
Live in the moment
Can I get a major award for the longest time not dating / not in a relationship? I'm not ace and not aro. I just quit trying. Other than hanging out with a few dudes as friends, I haven't dated / been in a relationship in 14 years. I'm not going to unpack trauma in a public space. Hobbies and intellectual interests are more emotionally fulfilling than boyfriends. My gut instinct has s*** for brains. I'm really bad at relationships. That makes me the winner of not dating! I'm the best at something! Woohoo!
I got out ofvan abusive relationship after years of trying. I was single for 8 years and blissfully happy. An old boyfriend from 29 years ago kept coming to my mind. Eventually I found him & we went through HELL for 6 years but now we're finally on the same page. Never say never like i did.
The end of next month will mark 13 for me since I've been involved in a serious relationship. Being single was new for me - I'd had a few consecutive long term relationships since my very first date at 16. After that though, I made the conscious decision to not date for over 2 years in order to work on my own issues.
But then thought I'd give it a try. I dated casually quite a bit the next five years....
Regarding that experience, extremely unfulfilling is probably an understatement. I finally gave up. It's now been 5 years since my last date.
I don't necessarily believe that I'm bad at relationships - I've just come to the conclusion that my picker is broken.
I do agree with you, there are so many more fulfilling hobbies and activities that can replace the goal of being in an intimate relationship! I am completely comfortable on my own, although I do sometimes have very brief twinges of envy when I see happy couples. The keyword is happy. What other legitimate reason is there to be intimately involved with another person if either of you is miserable? 😞
@@gusferrana2281That is a beautiful story ❤ I wish you so much success! I may have had a similar experience, but as I was searching to reconnect with my sweet high school boyfriend, I came upon his obituary. 😢
14 years here, by choice. Great minds think alike...lol Nada biggie for me, personally. Prefer guys a touch over chix as friends. Easier.
What I have noticed in my own life and many other females...trying to turn our male buddies, because and hubbies into BFFs(best FEMALE friends) LOL
I've just started a new relationship after 15 years of being single. I've been busy during that time raising my son on my own as a 24/7 single parent.
I left his Dad when I was 16 weeks pregnant. It's been a long hard haul but after a lot of work on myself, I found peace there.
Relationships bring up different challenges. Although my current partner is a wonderful man sometimes I think I'd prefer the peace. We'll see. 🕊
Dr. Scott, I really appreciate your opinions. I am a decade or more older than you but you’re very good at articulating so much of what I have experienced. So this is just a note of encouragement for you to keep it up. You are providing great service here.
He has made a positive impact on my life. I need to take my time and watch the videos a few times.
I buy too many children/ young adult books that I read as a kid because I remember feeling safe and happy when I read those...
I do, too, and I refuse to stop. Because I don't think I'm just trying to recreate a feeling, but to remember true values and that there really were good people who had good thoughts and dreams and who wished them for others.
Mine has been TV sitcom's from back n the days when life was just having to go to school come home Maybe homework 🤔 eat sleep rinse & repeat.
No responsibilities.
It's a short disassociation but it's a mini break from today's reality. Unless I have them on auto play.
This reply, hidden among other makes so much sense to me. Thanks for stating it so clearly, there's a ton of good building blocks when we remember those times, REMINDING ourselves there ARE good, compassionate, caring beings out there all the time. Those memories are lifesavers for me, giving me strength to go ahead. In this case, I don't agree with the therapist the first part of the video.
Believe me most of the best books nowadays are children's ones! Who doesn't reread books! I love Alice Through the Looking Glass; I think I've read it about 10 times at the moment.
@@nickibanks5185I think we all do that; that's why adults buy kids TV from the past.
I've had slivers of good memories in my life, but mostly bad. I'm finding myself being resentful of people who have had happy lives.
Been there...
great message at the end there. perfectly encapsulated. you know what you went through, it makes sense. sometimes you can be in such a survival mode, isolation, dysregulation that you genuinely cant/don’t remember anything too, making it way worse.
@Wingedmagician some people intent is to humiliate(humble). Walk away after speaking truth of boundries. Protect inner peace.
@@SueEllenSmith-ju4ot "Protect your peace" has become one of my favorite sayings.
Omg!!!this is so so good! Thank God for UA-cam! Where people use this platform to help people 🎉😊
I held my breath waiting for you to say "exaggerated" when speaking about emotions and emotional reactions of people with mental illness(es).....then you said "heightened" and I knew I had been doing exactly as you were saying....calling myself "over-reactive" and invalidating most of what I feel.
That and the tears started less than 2mins in......this one really hit home. Some day, eventually, there will be a video of yours I watch and feel passive enough about it to not comment. (JK, I enjoy that you inspire lurker, introvert me to speak out, it's a testament to how well you frame these lessons or skills)
This was perfect in a really funny way, I watched up to 3:00 minutes and paused, thinking about older times that were happy and I opened a discord message of a song I sent to a friend (he''s always chill and cool) months ago, now we don't really talk that often because he is busy, but I know that when he eventually sees the message he will vibe to the song and it just made me quite happy as well of being able to make music and share it even if it's not super refined yet. It just made me realize I can still be happy now and still have my confidence I use to have, even though I was already in a bad mood due to outside circumstances. Then I came back to the video and you went on to say pretty much the exact same thing.
You can know and tell people they have wronged or hurt you. But I'm going to promise that 90% of the time they don't care.
Not only do they not care! They don't believe you. No one does. You have a mental illness. It's all in your mind now. So people can wrong you and your reaction will be "crazy" to an "imagined event" anyway. To me this is the absolute worst part of depression (along with fatigue). Ironically, this creates a REALLY vicious cycle, I have observed with myself and other friends, that people know they can treat you badly and since you will not be taken seriously, there are no ramifications. This might lead you to mistrust people (with some actual truth to it), which is yet another mental health system. You tell your therapist and boom! You're on dopamine blockers (like Abilify), which makes absolutely no sense chemically, it's just a modern lobotomy.
Now that you've been on the dopamine blockers they are so eager to give to everyone and their dog, you are DEFINITELY crazy in everyone's eyes, and NOTHING you say can be taken seriously. So next time someone hurts you, cycle repeated, only worse.
And the sad part is, this will really make your mental illness much much worse, and it doesn't have to be this way. We just need a new healthcare system
More than 90 ,,,, almost 💯%
@@maridonis542The last two entries are Depresiom talking. When I engage in my recovery from depression. my outlook is lifted. I take a small SSRI/day, exercise 10 minutes/day, eat as well as I can and watch funny animals or babies on UTUBE...silly mybe but it helps me diminish thoughts of war, iinjustice and death. try iit friends, might serve you a little. Blessings
Forgiveness is a gift to yourself and doesn't require a single thing from those who hurt you, not repentence, not acknowledgment, nothing. They can literally be dead. Reading Forgiveness: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Get on With Your Life and following the process in the book transformed my life. It's not theoretical, it's a how-to book and worth the effort.
@@Thoughtworld1984 knowing that they hurt you is a delight for them. So they increase their method to see you not just hurt,,,, 🤕
Yes, but!!! Some of my best emotionally comforting times was (even though I was going thru horrendous depression/active alcoholism & divorce) was when I turned on my TV and watched a British Sitcom. Say what you will, laugh if you must, I never fantasized about the TV characters lives, but watching it really lifted my spirits. I was always glad to come home from work & turn it on, even while cleaning the house, paying bills, etc. I was lucky enough to get into rehab yrs. later, but to this day, if I'm having an emotional downturn, I will watch that show on You Tube. I never wanted to be them, but I certainly was helped by them!
This is so incredibly insightful. It's exactly as you say. Because I've come to think of all my emotions as out of proportion and not legitimate, I tend to blame myself for everything first, therefore losing touch with reality. I myself and by default invalidate everything that I feel thinking I am the problem. The problem, at times at least, lies also with reality, though, but it seems I never see it this way. It's all about me, all in my head, painfully disconnected from reality. All quite arrogant to think about it,in a way!
This is definitely something I need to work on. Thank you so much, Dr. Scott.
Beautifully said. I completely understand. Partly from having a mother who told me, "You're too sensitive" when I said I was hurt by the nasty things she said to me. Having a family who is always finding fault with you even though they do awful things just to provoke an emotional reaction so they can laugh and call you crazy. Wishing you all the best on your journey and that you can surround yourself with safe people and avoid toxic work environments. That's what makes all the difference.
@@firehorse9996 Thank you so much for saying so and for sharing. Yes, "you're too sensitive" is something that most definitely rings a bell here. Something I, too, was told as child. What is that even supposed to mean, I wonder? As if we could choose our emotions! So, little by little but steadily, I learned to suppress my feelings, one way or another. Until I felt no longer and couldn't identify my feelings anymore. I trudged and before I knew it, developed a series of affective disorders. I look back and can barely make sense of life that has passed. A lifetime later almost, not sure how exactly, something shifted in me and I can see it now. If there was just one thing I wish to share with my fellow human beings, it would be : please don't lose yourself, stay in touch with your inner thruth, with your own feelings. You know your story, as Dr. Scott points out. I hope I'm making sense, English is my second language but I don't get to practise it often, I'm Italian, writing from Italy, so also forgive my belated reply. Thanks again for your warm words, sending love your way, hope also I didn't overshare.
I think the key is self-esteem and assertiveness. They are essential to believe in yourself and to stand up for yourself, because others will happily bring you down and not support you, otherwise. But I don't know how to get those things. Assertiveness is learnable, apparently.
@@sanataj I think you're correct. And assertiness is definitely something we can learn. As to self-esteem, it is most certainly key. But when we get sucked up into this all , I guess we lose touch also with the basic skills we need to function (as some self-esteem is, in my view).
Whenever I tune in to watch, I am always so amazed at your brilliance. Where did you come from?! As always, my very best wishes.
My most sustained, cherished and efficient relationships are those I have with people who I told my back story and they didn’t disdain me or bully me, rather offered me help in the direction I desired. One of them, I call him ‘Heart of Gold’. I believe there are more of him.
AAMilne James, James Morrisson, Morrisson, Henry, George Dupree, took good care of hos Mother altho he was only three...its a great poem.
Too often I scroll past your videos. But every single time I sit and listen, I am amazed at how in the mark you are. I had and still have a tendency to replay the moments that felt unlike the rest of my life. I road a crest of euphoria that I felt justified in holding on to. But dwelling in it only kept me from learning live and be grateful for everything life has laid at my doorstep. And it in and of itself is an abundance of positive energy. Keep enlightening. Know your words are helping someone. They certainly help me.
oh my gosh. oh my GOSSHSHSSHSHSHSHSH. the beginning pertaining to recreating the past almost made me cry. you hit the nail on the head, i’m gonna change this immediately bcuz of course i want to have special moments more.
Going 'back' to special moments is difficult for me, I have them, but I am usually so very unhinged that they get pushed aside. Your explanation hits home with me. But the thing that pulls me out of the present are not the good memories, it's the hurtful ones. When triggered, those hurtful times loom large. I find some solace in working on today's potential for good times, so I guess we arrive at the same place. "It's not what's happening outside of you..." Yes. Even 'good' memories for me are shadowed by internal anxieties. The confluence of good outside and good inside vibes is so rare with me that I am hard pressed to think of any. You have to feel like you have 'resources' in the first place...feeling 'not good enough' meant I would constantly cleave to those around me who (seemed) good enough! I had no way to get there for myself. It always ended with a boatload of hurt for me. I stopped doing that. I spent nearly 5 decades in the dark as to why I had many severe mental hangups. Had I known the root cause (early childhood trauma) I might have started a healing journey long ago. But my subconscious mind literally blocked all...all memory of the trauma as a causative thing. When the truth finally surfaced, I had my first nervous breakdown.
God bless you. I found a sign at a thrift store last month that says, "Create the things you wish existed." And it made me think that any and everything good that has ever been in this world has been by someone who did that, and not only did that, but who learned to SPOT the naysayers quickly, even the sly ones who pretend to be kind, but through whose kinds words come little cutdowns, and to get rid of them, protecting, instead, the good they are trying to create, and not wasting time with "destroyers."
I really love what you say about chronically distrusting our feelings and thinking we are always wrong. Thank you for letting us know we can believe our perceptions of red flags.
Don't fall for this, you need to trust your own mind to some degree. Please see my comments above about the healthcare system
I would like a deeper breakdown on "gaslighting ourselves."
There is gaslighting in my family of origin, and I have done a lot of work, but I know this (gaslighting self) is something that I don't fully identify, when it happens. I feel bad when I know I am being scrutinized, even when I know the other person has no clue what they're talking about, even when logically I know the judgement is incorrect, or a cognitive distortion. I think I associate being watched with being punished. There wasn't a way to win, no consistent rules, and that's sort of the vibe I have been feeling again, recently.
If it helps at all, one way I have used it in the workplace is understanding that I, as well, don’t know them or what they’ve been through. If you tell your coworkers you are seriously sick, they may worry about you or only worry that your work doesn’t get done. We can’t control what they think or say, and that’s a good thing for us. It is not for us to worry about and serves no purpose. I also in a weird desperate attempt to get myself to do this is by almost acting like I’m doing the day for the first time, and I haven’t worked at this job before, I know no one. That helps me connect that they don’t want to hurt me and don’t trigger anything for me. Unraveling CPTSD is hard and it is very real, so treat it as such and like you’re your own best friend🫂❤️
@PaigeSquared very insightful. Some don't care and aren't aware lead monitoring spirit. Cruel but no always aware so speak up. Sometimes just respond, don't react if it's worth a lesson learned
@@laurengrace5747
Sounds like it’s time to reparent your inner child. Look into EMDR and shadow work
@happiness7808 oh bs ,choose quiet awareness.
The one about acting like you don't know your own backstory is a huge one for me. Just last night I was feeling awful about myself because I couldn't stop thinking that I'm a super arrogant, self-absorbed idiot. And like... hating myself... for only caring about myself...?? The sheer irony. How does that make any sense??
I was beating myself up and I finally realized, "There are plenty of people who want to beat me up. Why help them?" Then I started catching every Automatic Negative Thought and I learned how to contradict them.
@@susanmercurio1060 I have spent the last two months slowly and carefully dropping off "friends" who take little potshots at me. I think of it as them constantly taking little bites out of me. And my thoughts that led to this break were just what you say: That there are plenty of people out there willing to beat me down--bushel loads of them, they are quite common--I do not need more of them. They only exist to keep me from my goals, which I want to spend my time trying to reach, instead of spending my time and energy having to heal from the wounds of being around them.
To be fair, it is very hard not to be self-absorbed when nearly every time one reaches out with a smile or kind word, one is rebuffed, sometimes rudely. Other people simply do not WANT kindness and love. But it is good to still lavish it out on something besides self, like pets, plants, nature, God, teddy bears, SOMEthing. I also love the backstory part of this video, and like to think of the positive side of it, too, like remembering all the GOOD people and things that have happened in one's past, especially tiny little things that mattered to one's own heart, though to no one else's, things at which, even if you told them now, other people would still belittle and scoff . . . keep them close to one's heart as a "backstory of love." You know: once a hummingbird hovered right outside the kitchen window to say hi to me; once I was able to release a rabbit from a too-small cage; once someone smiled at me on the metro when I was having my saddest day. . . once I climbed up and got something off the top shelf for a senior in a ridey-cart at the grocery store. Life seems set up to try to erase the quiet good things, but they are really there, and we need to side with them. Sorry, just some morning thoughts that ran away with me. : -)
@@FG-ie7cuthanks for finding the beauty in this world. It's ever present, and only takes us to close our eyes and hearts to them and forget all about them.
I hope you have a great rest of your day.
You may and should Care about Yourself a lot.selflessness is an ideal for Saints!!!
Words can never express how much you help - how amazingly understandably you articulate issues that we have but do not know why we have them. I also wish that people who comment could meet up and form a little group (like a book reading club), with the aim of discussing your last videos and sharing how it came across for each of us. Clearly we all have something to work on, otherwise we would not watch your videos with such gratitude. People who appreciate your experience would undoubtedly also appreciate each other and bring joy to each other. Alas ! It‘s not possible.
The difference with „ordinary“ self help groups would be, that the evening would from the outset be based on a specific subject (like a book that we read) that you have raised and we all would know the same thoughts that you have voiced. Anyway, thanks again so much - please never stop.
I'm glad you said this. I keep returning to places that remind me of when my life was seemingly better...but I don't ever feel that same feeling. This makes sense.
Thank you 🙏 I'm going to try and stop doing these things
Thanks Scott, awareness of issues without answers is good to contemplate. I often talk to my wellness and say ‘it’s not answers you seek, it’s better questions’
Dude I needed this,thanks. Totally put her on a pedestal and just let myself get absolutely smashed by all the emotional abuse, let myself down big time. Much love everyone ✌️
Thank you, Dr. Scott. We always look forward to seeing your premiers. You are brilliant, insightful, and so very, very articulate, in case no one has told you so today. : -) Striking clarity. ❤
Every now and again I watch a vid of yours. And you have yet to let me down yet 👍🏾 At 63 been to lots of therapists shrinks etc. Non as honest as you. Thank You 🙏🏼 💜
My introversion has helped mitigate potential sabotage throughout my life.
Same. And to help filter things that help by what I think is moral and truthy of where I want to be or what I find real or genuine.
I feel that, for sure! It hasn't been 100% effective, but it certainly has come in handy.
7:10 I started to gaslight myself saying I’m being overly dramatic and my ex husband ran with that a lot and very rarely did he ever take responsibility for his actions. Like I would get hurt and I was so brainwashed that it was all in my head that I had light myself and he and his mother treated me very badly. Talking down to me calling me names. I was the hurt of jokes. And in their heads it was endearing. UNTIL his sister got married. She got married later in life and so her husband was out of college and a well established police officer. And he is a thick skinned guy right? Well I am not a person to talk behind anyone’s back in their family. So one day I was over with my mother-in-law and she was much happier than usual. She was giggling and I asked what was going on. And she said that she was happy for a date coming up in a month. And I said what’s happening then? And she said “I will be able to joke with Chuck again in a month.”
I was so confused and asked what was that about.
And she told me that almost a year ago that her daughter spoke with her and said that she wasn’t allowed to “joke” with her son-in-law for a year.
And I asked why.
And she sort of didn’t want to say why so she just said “Sandra said my jokes weren’t funny to Chuck.”
So several things were sake up bells for me that very conversation.
1. I wasn’t the only one who was offended by her joking around.
2. It may not all be in my head.
3. I have a right to be upset and have my feelings. (Because I spent a good amount of years thinking my feelings were not real.)
4. There is something so wrong about her because she had a boundary set in place and she didn’t have any self reflection.
5. She viewed the entire situation as a challenge and joke itself. A game she would win because her daughter said the boundary was for one full year she was not allowed to tell jokes around her son-in-law.
6. I knew right then and there that I was in a losing battle if I ever spoke up to her about her verbal and emotional abuse toward me. And it was time to start going no contact because that conversation made me realize I was her robot. I allowed her to turn me into her little monkey to do with how she pleased. I was comfortable being there but I was not myself. I was a shell of who I was before I got married.
It was hard and I tried to just be around her son when I went no contact. My ex husband was sort of happy that I stopped being around his mom too. Then I realized after awhile he was two faced and wanted to be loyal to both sides for his needs to be met.
He lied to me many times.
He would speak badly of me with his mother.
He told me that he didn’t like his mom and o it liked his dad and they were a package deal. I was like wow. That is like so warped and troubling.
So yeah I’m struggling still to this day to work through my feelings. And most of all to feel pride in myself and know my self worth to boost my self confidence and esteem.
Sorry to ramble but this hits home for me.
I hope we all can face and win over our battles.
💓
I TOTALLY 💯 AGREE AND HEAR YOU HONEY , GOD BLESS 🙌 YOU WITH MUCH STRENGTH AND HAPPINESS AND PEACE ✌️ 🙏
Thanks doc Scott! I find that figuring out which emotions are extreme given my situation and which aren't as well as addressing my agoraphobia and fear/ lack of relationships is where therapy is still essential to me even though my meds are keeping me fairly functional. Although, I did recently realise that even my therapist didn't understand how severe my agoraphobia has become.
The first one, obsessively trying to recreate the happiest times of our life, is so true for me. That explains how my Spotify playlist seems to be comprised mostly of songs that are 20-40 years old. I started getting depressed 10 years ago, and 95+% of the songs are from 10+ years ago
That is actually quite normal. Most people stay with the music and artists that they listened to / discovered in their late teens and twenties. Serious music people move with new trends and artists, but most don’t.
I do hear what he says, but, for me, if I hadn't had those old songs to hold onto (Christmas ones, especially) and old books and keepsakes, I could not have made it through some of my hardest times. It must be about keeping balance and perspective in doing so.
I'm amazed, this video actually addresses relatable symptoms and describes them in a sensible and nuanced way; non-judgmental, condescending or covertly proselytism. I admit every time you started to talk about an issue, I was expecting it to be "the dopamine fiend" or "the physical exercise panacea". I was delighted to be wrong. Have my like, doctor.
Thanks, love the username
Just found your channel and wow, sir, you have created a veritable goldmine of help and understanding. Kudos! I'm excited to start working with these ideas!
realized how much I resonate with the four things people with mental illness do without thinking. As someone who has struggled with anxiety and depression, I often catch myself in these patterns-like overanalyzing conversations or isolating myself when I feel overwhelmed. The video made me more aware of these habits and helped me understand that I'm not alone in experiencing them. Recognizing these behaviors is the first step towards changing them, and I’ve started to be more mindful of my actions and thoughts. It’s comforting to know that there are ways to manage and improve.
I just saw a video about low vibrational people and how draining they are and self-destructive. There was another video, which didn't watch. He said stop dwelling on the past - bring your mind back to the present and make the most of it.
I have those symptoms. I think that is why I am so alone and so anxious and insecure. Nobody wants a needy person. But not being liked or wanted only makes you more needy.
I also saw a video by Paul McKenna, who is a famous UK hypnotist. He said people's brains are occupied with worry about potential catastrophies and it squeezes out creativity.. Hypnosis can reset the brain.
“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by a$$holes.”
Yes anxiety is misuse of energy and imagination. Most of the bad things we imagine don’t happen.
@@MelModica Too much philosophy.
Social anxiety is suppressed anger.
Learning how to feel anger and to express anger in healthy manner - is all that we need to do.
i am really grateful and gain so much from like alllll your videos and never comment. but even though everyone says it - this video especially rn but just you're so affable and spot on and I'm an MD and can access whatever...it's hard to access authenticity and scientific dissemination and just ...good and virtue in this time/world. Thanks dude. for getting it and being it. helps me.
Dr Scott thank you so much for your videos. Since I discovered your channel I've never missed a single uploaded video from you. I learn a lot from you, doc. Keep educating us. I love you, doc ❤
I couldn't remember any happy times. Lately, I had not one but two bursts of happiness. I thought, "Oh, great! I finally know what happiness feels like!"
That is SO awesome! What a wonderful gift for you!
@@susanmercurio1060 Susan, you hang out with me I’m super fun. I’ve been to Guam Hawaii five different states. I’ve been to Europe in the 70s lived in So California been in Mexico. I’ve been to Vegas 30 times you have to travel. Travel.
@@FG-ie7cuThank you! That's what I thought when it happened!
@@shanlange6331I traveled all over the lower 48 states when I was young. Those were the days when a woman traveling alone was still kind of looked down on: the early 1960s and 70s. I never could afford to travel to Europe.
Now I realize that I have never had a stable home, so I am focusing on providing myself with a safe home.
I would love to hang out with you!
Not sure if we're supposed to be happy. Most old-school religions certainly did not think so It's more about having a purpose. It can be as simple as volunteering at a soup kitchen. But since depression kills your motivation, it is hard to find the purpose. This is the issue. I genuinely think focusing on happiness is akin to collecting instagram likes and is not the way to go (it is basically a dopamine chasing behaviour). So go for purpose. I have been the most content (not happy, but content) when i have had a purpose.
Dr Scot you are amazing. Thank you so very very much. May God bless your goodness.
thank you, it’s really great to have some guide on how to deal with reality when you HAVE a diagnosis, you are not just sad or short-term depressed, you are not a normal guy struggling on self-development, but you are bipolar / anxious / major depressed or whatever, and you have to keep in mind that life can appear much different from what regular healthy people write in books like “10 skills you need to succeed and be happy”.
I was working at a place for 4 years. This lady straight up told me “You are too nice” it really set me off. I don’t trust many people anymore. I was only really nice because I have hurt people in my past and I deeply regret it and I can’t take those moments back and fix it that is not how time works. And now I have people being really hostile towards me and I just either take it or leave the situation. I am not good at confronting people at all. I probably should go back to therapy. 🤷♂
I've bin hurt a lot in my past so I've bin careful in my words not to hurt others..my intent is loving...recently I adopted a new piece of advice..don't take anything personal cuz that's about that person not me..this advice is so freeing to be positive authentic loving..
You're not responsible for other people's behavior (hostile etc), only for your own. I always repeat this in my head when I meet or interact with someone with a nasty attitude towards me. I try not to let their behavior change mine. Sometimes difficult to do, but will help keep you based. Another thing, don't let others tell you who you are.
@@franwebb7756 ThanksmI have been going through a lot lately I needed that.
3up-----
Therapy might help, I dunno. But please remember that you are worth as much as anyone else & their hostility is a fault of theirs not yours. And you talked about regrets etc.....I have realized too late that (for me anyway) knowing I hurt someone else...hurts worse than being hurt. So I applaud your "niceness", there are too few of you around.
@@SSuinn-mg5es
My thoughts too.
I went to a therapist who told me that all my feelings were wrong, he was like the most negative voice in my head made flesh. It was actually worse than that, he thought I was delusional, he didn't even believe the things I had told him and I had to provide evidence to prove that they were true, it felt like my sanity was on trial.
Invalidating your own feelings is pretty common and pretty rough, but having a qualified professional invalidating your feelings and reality is even harder. Just because someone is in a position of authority, doesn't make them right and you shouldn't let them dictate how you should feel.
That was amazing. I felt like you were talking to me directly. God bless you sir
Thank you, this is very useful. It always fascinates me, how in therapy we talk a lot about the simple or even obvious things and how small action can make a real difference.
Great video, Dr Scott. Thank you for helping me understand myself better.
Thanks Scott..always helpful 🙏
Its been about a year since i left my toxic job and decided i was going to treat myself with more respect patience and care than i have in the past. And your videos have been great for giving me ways to learn and deal with my chronic anxiety. Its still difficult but the added understanding has really helped me prioritize what I should be focusing on as someone who has this condition instead of doing things the way everyone expects me to. Thank you
Hearing this makes me realise that I am more self aware of my MH issues and struggles. Cheers for the perspective.
I’ve never heard advice like this. Thank you for providing truly different content.
#4--This is why I always want to know the "why" behind people's behaviors and actions before I conjure up an assessment.
Yes,Scott. Living vicariously is like Hotel CA.
Thank you for you valuable education and awareness- so appreciated! And I love how genuine you are-well done for staying true to who you are! Look at what a difference you are making!
Wow that feels like about 10 really helpful insights right there. I’d never thought of things in this way and this has helped so much, thank you
I have tears streaming down my face rewatching the part where you said I need to minimize this attachment I have with an actor / performer. I have spent so much money and time on this attachment. I have tried to minimize it but as soon as this person starts a new project, the attachment grows again. I honestly feel that if I were to “detach” , I would have a breakdown and that scares me. I have had other attachments throughout many years of my life with certain books or movies. When those attachments subsided and gradually ended, it was because a particular film or book was not mainstream anymore or a particular person took on a project that wasn’t as appealing to me. Reflecting now, those times when I didn’t have an attachment were periods of sadness that only ended when I discovered a new thing or person who brought me joy again. This current attachment will continue their career and with social media and other fans who’ve become friends providing the new content that comes out about this person, the attachment will stay the same. I am also extremely attached to one of my family members. I really need the content you are planning. I want to let you know I’ve been seeing mental health professionals for my disorder since 2008 and they have helped me…but I know I should not go on like this. I have to choose to stop and it’s very hard despite their help.
You just described me driving for 3 Days to try to experience something that made me happy 8 years ago, I can't afford to do it but it seems like it's all I have. It's almost like I expect to see my ex-girlfriend and my dog that passed away in the meantime. I hate being like this
Thanks!
Thank you Cassie!
Right off_ I totally love that you say ~WE~! Your voice is another + It's soothing,human and sincere.😎
We have had mental health issues in the family, my dad and some of his siblings and my cousins, so I used to wonder if I would be affected by unfortunate genetics in that sense. Thanks for your checklist as I confirm that I have been spared and can now identify the tendencies I should continue to avoid. Appreciate it!
Thank you for sharing your experience and knowledge,I definitely found it helpful 😊
Thank you for this. This hit home so much. I would cry if I was not so emotionally stunted cuz I felt really seen and understood.
I have escaped existing as much as I can for my entire life. Videogames. Roleplaying. Movies on repeat.
In regards to the second one; is why I sometimes would ask other people indirectly if how I feel makes sense, (not by sharing how I feel but more so proposing to them a situation impartially otherwise I'd fear they'd just tell me how I feel is right to be nice) and have them share their opinion about it. Like, I'd just ask them a general question such as how would you feel if someone did this or that to you?
The crux there is also that their own judgement, while sound or not, may also be influenced by their backstory. I only NOW have this epiphany. Heh.
To carry on though, at some point, when dealing with someone whom I felt was toxic but not trusting my own feelings so looking up how to tell if someone was, I also read that narcissists tend to often ask for others to validate their feelings all the time so then I started to gaslight myself into thinking that I must be some horrible nasty narcissist myself for needing such validation so then I stopped asking for it altogether.
Now, when I am really dealing with a difficult situation I tend to ask AI for its opinion on matters, because I just don't trust my own brain at all. Yeah, I've sunken that low.
I am at the point right now where I've been working hard to accept my own feelings as valid more often. Even if they may be influenced by my mental issues and baggage, the fact is that the way my brain works and my emotional baggage is part of me and I am trying to quit denying myself the self-empathy I so sorely need. That doesn't mean I will ever use my issues as an excuse to be awful or unreasonable. But what it DOES mean is that I accept and don't blame myself for feeling how I do. It means I do give myself the room, the freedom to feel the way I do. What I do with it, is still hard because I still tend to keep it internal and let people walk over me. But... it's a start!
Starting therapy for all of this, next week too! Long time coming.
Good advice it starts with your mind set always , this channel is good stuff to listen to when feeling lost thank you ❤😊
OMG. You are so amazing for real. I Have GAD. and the first mentioned thing you mentioned was so accurate like it made feel you are taking about me personally. Gob bless you sharing these information for free🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰
Thank you, doctor! It's nice to do a reality check now and then =)
I sometimes get totally mad, after that I strongly doubt my emotions, but what comforts me is that I tell my relatives that this happens to me, so my Mom, for example, knows she should not take it as smth personal. No matter what I feel (and if it's right or wrong) it's good to Talk to people you love and explain them your feelings. We both have atypical depressive disorder, so, talking helps immensely. She sometimes hides her negative feelings (considering them wrong), and this is one of things I get mad about, so we talk a loooot =)
Wow thanks for this. For years ive been mentally stuck in the past. A moment of reflection to my current state snapped me back, for lack of better words. Ive got a lot to look forward to! Cheers
Dollars to donuts... if there were a way for you to know what was going on in your mom's life at that time, your little 5-year-old self was probably happy because of what your mom was going through that had elevated her state of mind and added to your sense that all was right with the world.
This is good, definitely needs a follow up
Although number three does not apply to me, trust me I've done a full soul search, 1, 2 and 4 really applied. Your assessment really opened my eyes. I was kind of aware of them having an effect, but your delivery really hit the nail on the head. Thank you, this will help me to understand and work through my condition.
I don't know about this I mean I've Bipolar type 2 and my happiest memories are the birth of my three children which I was present for. That's an experience that's so beautiful and gives me a lift when my mental state is low. I would agree that past memories can be a muddled picture of different experiences and may give you a feeling of happy memories. I don't know about your third one in fact I don't even know in what context it means! Again, your fourth one is pretty much about individuals who were alone in their illness. As fifty five year old I've understood and have a very clear reasons or events leading to my hospitalisations and continued medical and therapeutic care over these past fifteen years. Severe depressive episodes don't come about because you're being reflective on past moments in your life or artificially reliving 'good moments' from your past life. To be in a severe depressive episode in your life is not based on what you describe as the four things 'people do without thinking.' I'm very surprised to hear a Doctor of Psychology be so simplistic in describing these four events as gospel in the annals of mental illness. It's like you're talking to a twenty plus age audience and even so it's a very 'one fits all' approach. Maybe psychiatry is administered differently in the US than here in Europe or in my case here in the Republic of Ireland. Your headline or heading 'people with mental illness do without thinking' is so demeaning. It's like characterising mental health patients in 'One flew over the Cuckoos Nest' as all the same.
Your vids are really helpful . I find allowing memories in unhealthy , stay in the present all your waking hours
Dr Scott just addressed things I have felt and are feeling- but I was always told it was “in my head” and I was imagining. Yeah- it is in my F-ing head.
Thank you so much for all your videos! This one really helped and I’m going to share with my sister. Love the book too
Oh my God, nuggets of wisdom, things falling into place. Thank you.
Thanks Doctor the PTSD part made the most sense “to me” ty!!
I dont have much time for another self-apppinted youtube expert.
That being said, you make some very good points about these dynamics.
totally right, thanks so much !! executing your life through someone else sounds like co-dependency. also. another thing, reflective of the examples, is not catching the moment because of unwarranted doubts, hesitation. and then the ruminitating and regrets follow.
This is amazing. I have done this so much..let other people push me around..second guessing myself, complying to others. Got me into a weird martiage frim a religious setting
THE FOURTH ONE IS INCREDIBLEEEEEEE
Agreed!
"Don't act like you don't know your own backstory. Don't judge yourself from the lens of ignorance."
A very good quote, you're right about it. I am writing it down.
Doc!! Pretty great! Thank you. It's ok you didn't "...offer solutions...", most of us learn the hard way, trial & error. I'm old, parents are long gone. Here’s a twist: yeah I hated my mother, violent, I'm living with damage, physical & emotional. Then reaching empty nest phase, she threw herself into therapy, really lightened up, mellowed out. Humbled herself, apologized, became a friend. Who am I to not forgive. Yet now, in therapy, I still gotta deal with that. It is said that we use what we have. Splitting is how I coped. Now I split my mother. There's the good mother she became, likewise the dark mother that inflicted pain. I maintain both
Wow third video in a row now, you're a straight hitter my friend. Subscribing!!! Keep going
Thanks for this; Very helpful! I almost didn’t click on the video because I thought that it was going to be the same round of things that everyone says: getting enough sleep, eating correctly, exercise, etc.
Regarding the good times being seen as special because of the person's mindset as opposed to the things one was doing is a tough one to get around. Yet it was exactly doing things that pleased me that made me happy. In my case, as this sort of trauma person typifies, when I was playing music, socializing, attending school, etc. that made me happy. They make me happy when I do them in the present, which is nothing like college age. So why do I appreciate the '"state of mind" over activity perspective, all the same, I am happy when being a student, unhappy being a worker bee. My state of mind being a worker bee, again being an example, is to be frustrated due to boredom and inane ignorant people that might surround me. And yes, we talk ourselves out of everything!
Boy, you hit the nail on the head with this one. Thanks. Love California Joanna
Wow this s deep and just the type of encouragement I needed to go back to sleep ty
Yeah it's hard to differentiate your moods as you think your in the wrong so I agree. It's the extremity of feeling that is the indicator, mania is quite obvious
Thank you for doing this! ❤ Namaste. 🙏
Dr. Scott, you seem like a legitimately good therapist. Why is that so rare??
Great video, you really know your stuff, thank you.
Thank you for you valuable education and awareness- so appreciated!
The important thing to remember is something like ruminating on sadness are only feelings and have no genuine power to cause harm if you don't let it.
The unusual thing about you is that there are millions of people who relate to every single word you're saying. And, there are a very small percentage of professional therapist, psychiatrists and other mental health professionals that could listen to you and understand or agree with even half of what you're saying. It's sad. It feels like getting help is like throwing a dart at an invisible dart board. Thank you for still making videos. I feel so happy and relieved for you. 💙
This is exactly why I’m no longer on any therapist discussion boards ❤️
@@DrScottEilers Dr Scott, you say it so clear and real that it blows my mind. It's a huge burden to live with. Hopeless. Lonely and exhausting.
Thanks mate much appreciated
I totally agree. And i catch myself doing that alot. I am seeing a therapist weekly and a psychologist.. so i do have underline mental illnesses.. but my therapist sees i am trying to make my life better to heal myself and put myself frist. But i get off track easily. Lately it's been so hard to feel happy.