You were wonderfully concise and helpful, thank you so much ^_^ I recently realized I ascribe to ethical non-monogamy, and the way you answered the question about cheating felt very inclusive and open to all relationship styles. You pointed out that shared guidelines and communication are key. I was also happy to hear your narcissism answer, that was very integrative for me. All the best!
I'm somewhat insecure in relationships, but I am usually trying to stay detached and not wanting to be in need of validation... What's wrong with me? Hah!
yep honestly ghosting is such a cowardly thing to do and its usually a red flag for this reason. Even if they love you, if they ghosted a lot of people before they generally arent good at communication in relationships
@@yakb.7690 All the people with the whole “I don’t owe them anything argument” are really contributing to how inconsiderate people are becoming in general. Yeah, you don’t owe them, but it would be kind of you to politely end it
@@yakb.7690...what if I told them that it's enough and they just wanna drag it out longer?.. it depends but if I don't have any better solution, opting to ghost won't make me coward.. as your comment might suggest.. mr/miss.KnowItAll
@@n0nenone that's not really ghosting. Once you tell someone you don't want to interact with them anymore, you can leave it at that. Ghosting is more, sudden. That's what makes it hurtful. Honestly when I got ghosted it was like I mourned the person.
I really like this expert. Please have her on again! Common sense, expertise, layperson-level presentation without dumbing down, pleasant to listen to. I think people that see her for therapy are really lucky to have her in their corner.
I really liked how she did not explain anxious and avoidant attachment styles as inferior or worse than secured like what most say. They just seemed like differences in people and hoping that your partner would be able to provide that needed security/space for you. I love that
anxious and avoidant styles are 'worse' though, since they're insecure. they exist because of unfavourable childhood experiences. wanting space and wanting closeness are both valid and necessary, and are included in secure attachment. wanting an EXCESSIVE or unhealthy amount of space or closeness are what mark avoidant and anxious attachment respectively
Of course a therapist wouldn't say that something is "worse." But of course it's worse - they're maladaptive behaviors as a response to not feeling consistently safe, protected, and loved as a child.
I don’t understand people’s need to make a ranking of EVERYTHING. Attachment styles are tools to understand someone’s way to relate in order how to tackle your relationship or others with you. Attachment styles are not goals to attain, but the consequence of a million things that define a human being. And at the end of the day, maybe someone doesn’t want to deal with an anxious or avoidant style of attachment but for others, that’s ok.
I think that's true because I read an anxious attachment can also make the person with that attachment super attentive to their partners needs. And I experience this myself! I don't think about my own needs enough but I am so vigilant on fulfilling my partners.
“Hey, ______ I hope this doesn’t come off the wrong way, but the way your partner talks to me when you’re not around makes me really uncomfortable” that’s a good way to start out that convo if anyone gets out in a position where their friend’s partner is flirting this them. It’s a great way to start the dialogue.
youre so right, i like that idea. their response would tell me a lot about them (e.g. if they accuse, blame or insult you,, they do not care about themselves or you.
As far as who pays on dates, my wife and I kind of switched back and forth when we were dating. Basically, whoever was in a more financially-secure spot at the moment paid, or sometimes we split it. I never did understand the idea of one person always paying, especially if you're heading into what you hope is a serious relationship. That's a partnership. Everything goes both ways.
That's healthy thinking because there are some people that make it seem like it's usually a man that should. What would this teach women if they weren't capable to be on their own. I get if you financially can afford more expensive things for your date but in return couldn't get equal. Men are simple but usually never expect gifts or whatever because no one is being raised to think about them.
I would say this is a remnant of when men were the primary breadwinners/"providers"...although in this day and age, if you're both making money, it makes sense to share with each other IN MY HUMBLE OPINION.
Yeah, I think this is a great lens through which we should examine who should pay. Given the pay discrepancy between women and men, this will certainly more often result in men paying within the context of straight relationships, but yeah if someone is in a better spot financially, I think it is the more equitable choice to have them pay
I think men paid the bill cause they had more good job opportunities. Nowadays woman are also working. As both sides have source of income, they should split the bill.
I fully agree on your last point that kids are not something that can really be compromised on, as I've just had to go through that conversation with someone. I've known her for several months now, and she's practically the woman of my dreams; we click super well and have grown very close, but unfortunately we can never pursue each other romantically because she really wants kids and I really don't.
You can totally compromise on it. Especially if the woman wants kids and the man doesn't. Just have a bunch of kids and give them all up for adoption as soon as they're born. The woman gets to have progeny and the man gets to not have to raise kids. No sane person would accept this compromise, but it technically meets the criteria for an adequate compromise
Absolutely agree. I said no to a possible relationship because I knew he wanted children. It turned pretty ugly but at least I knew my gut was correct.
Thats a hard one. My dad actually didn't want kids in his 20s, but he compromised because he really wanted to be with my mother. And he turned out to really enjoy fatherhood, and he's been an amazing dad. He says its the best thing he ever did. Not telling you to do a thing, but it is worth considering
@@DiederikCA I know I'd be a good dad, but it's really not something I want. It's an immense financial and time commitment that will never really go away; kids don't stop being your kids at 18 or when they move out like some people tell me lol. I don't want to gamble something like that if it turns out my current mindset sticks with me about the situation. I'll just be the cool uncle that has all the fun material possessions like off-road vehicles and fancy cars, and I'm confident that'll be satisfying enough for me.
there are a lot of people who believe that the person that asked the other out should pay, and it can also get dicey with gender roles in straight relationships and perceived masculinity/femininity in same gender relationships
All genders: At a *minimum* offer to pay! It's a red flag when someone assumes the person to pay without the simple gesture of offering to pay. For me it shows you're either not serious or will not be a team player down the line.
You may be surprised to see how some people who don't want to have kids actually get along with kids quite well. There are many reasons why someone doesn't want to have kids. Living in a country that doesn't support women with child raising, for example.
@@melaniesyxYep. I have never had the desire to bare my own children but I’d like to think I’m an amazing Aunt to my sister’s kids. They’re my whole world and I think that’s good enough for me :)
I think what it prevents mostly is parental regret. Things like regretting motherhood are still very taboo topics for many people, but the truth is, a lot of people wouldn't have children again if they'd known what they'd known after having kids, or they wouldn't have been pushed into it by societal expectations.
@@spring7643 I think the OP might mean it more along the lines of when children feel they're not really loved, you know, parents actions can really mess up kids and it's not always about physical abuse. If you have a mother as your primary caregiver and she might have been pressured into having children (by her partner, family or just society in general (it's what everyone does so I have to do it too sort of mindset)) and now maybe she regrets it and is unhappy, chances she are the kid knows something is off.
I really like the part where she mentioned that knowing your partner's love language can give out an inside of what can hurt them. Never thought of it in that way, so interesting!!
What she said about attachment is very true. Im the type to fall under "anxiously attached" but my best friend is a lot more avoidant than i am and hes talked to me about how the reason im his favorite friend is because i actually give him his space when he needs it and hes allowed time to himself to disengage and recharge his social battery which he doesnt have with a lot of his other friends. Pay attention to the needs of the people around you because you may be disrespecting them unntentionally!
@@hc4846 I have other friends that can satisfy that need for me. I've also adapted to his needs and what times I can usually see him so its easier to go longer without interaction with him. The more i talk to certain people the more I desire their presence more.
Yes! I'm more secure/avoidant, and my best friend is anxious attachment. But we listen and communicate and understand our independence and when we need support! It's not about "they do or don't need me," it's more, "hey, what do you need? Space? A hug? Quality time? Just talking? Great!"
@@hc4846 Generally attachment style only really comes into play regarding romantic partners, as these are the relationships which we rely on most for safety and security. However if you're in say a group of single friends, you are more likely to play out your attachment styles on each other. This is why friendships often change when one friend get into a new relationship!
Her comments about being careful not 2 establish yourself as the enmy cause you don't know what ppl do 4 u behind closed doors is GOLD! If u think someone is low vibration, then elevate them.
She has a very good point but Its not always the case. My exes best friends told him of he wanted to cheat on me then I would never find out because they won't tell me.
@@moodyxepher3729 That's why she said to "be careful". You need to be discerning about it because if you are wrong.. well, it's probably over. It's people running in not knowing what they don't know that gets them into trouble.
Thank you for talking about "Ghosting"! 100% the reason I stopped using dating apps. I'd much rather hear that the vibes were off, you are no longer interested, etc rather than have my time/energy wasted.
Yeah but what I hate is that a “””therapist””” said is ok to ghost someone If that person have anger issues ? Like wtf? Say to that person you are not interested anymore , easy
@@matteo89ify She said, "if you don't feel safe". That's very different than merely expecting someone to yell or get upset. If it's a normal relationship, you're right -- the person deserves a discussion to end the relationship. However, if the person has already demonstrated anger issues and not treated you well, it's ok to take the easy way out and do it over the phone or text. At least you are still being clear with them that the relationship is over -- which is the decent thing to do.
That’s why she said wait til your friend is disarmed lol one of the best ways to disarm someone before delivering bad news is baking them cookies I guess
The advice about ghosting is some of the best advice I’ve ever heard! The more you practice having difficult conversations, the easier it gets is so incredibly true. Unfortunately in the age of technology it makes it so easy to ghost people, which in return is hindering people’s social skills.
"This is one of the things that needs to be discussed in the beginning of the relationship" For real! People say it's a red "red flag" when someone wants to know right off the bat whether this is a viable commitment or you'd be better as friends rather than waiting years down the line and finding out when you're super invested in each other that you're incompatible in a fundamental way 💀and then WONDER why their love lives are crap! If you are too afraid to have those uncomfortable conversations, you're probably not ready for a relationship!
As person also working in the mental health field, I appreciate what she says in the video. Legit how I respond to a lot of my clients and I'm glad she's showing how insightful and awesome mental health professionals are!
This presenter hit on every major topic that's relevant in everyone single person's life today; Values are the most important thing, DBT, 5-stages of grief, love language, self care... we NEED MORE of this please.
I would only tell your partner that their friends are "losers" if those friends are actively causing harm - like your partner makes really bad choices around them, or they're damaging your relationship in some way. But if you just don't like the friends or you don't vibe with them or agree with them or whatever, but they're not having a tangible negative impact on your partner or relationship, I'd keep your opinion to yourself.
Facts it’s giving mean girl/boy. Like you just want to humiliate your partner and assert power in the relationship by saying your friends are better than theirs. Weird
Ghosting existed before the internet, people go their own ways, that's not the problem at all. The problem is that they don't give any kind of feedback while they are still present, so it stays unclear what the problem was. Leaving is never the problem. I was actually always surprised when someone started to become destructive on purpose in a friendship, giving a clear sign they've actually left, yet got offended when I closed the door behind them as if I was the one who left. Most people have no idea how they are percieved by others and they are stunned when they actually learn it, yet most people also dont give a flying hekk about giving any kind of feedback (because they assume others are better mindreaders than them), so after all these are connected.
If you have (those) self love practices.. it makes it a lot easier for the people around you to show you that they love you and it feels like an add on instead of a "need". Words to live by.
I've heard all these questions before but this lady has explained them the better than I've ever heard before. Demonstrating that expert is more than just a title.
The nails with the hand mannerisms were what drew me in but what she was saying kept me watching! You may never read this but thank you for your insight and expertise, it definitely helped!
Really great advice about ghosting. I understand that those situations exist, but I don’t like when others assume that anyone who gets ghosted is some kind of toxic monster.
I find it interesting that most of the answers in this video are having a honest conversation with your partner. Really comes to show how communication is key 🔑
YAAASSS STEPHANIE MADE IT ON HERE. I love her channel. Stephanie is so informative, insightful, and helpful! Yet again, another 10/10 banger video. Keep them coming!
I love the advice for ghosting! My advice to anyone who is being ghosted: be thankful; you just dodged a bullet. That person is not worth your time and needs to grow up.
uhh as someone who's been ghosted on by her (now ex-)best friend, i wholeheartedly agree with this woman. in fact, i consider it rather rude to ghost someone and i'd rather you just tell me what's on your mind instead of suddenly letting everything slide.
A book shoutout - the book "Eight Dates" by the Gottmans that Steph has on her desk with her is a FANTASTIC book which helps create space for a lot of these conversations. As a future LMFT (about to start my residency years) I can't recommend that book enough for no matter what stage of the relationship you're in with your partner(s)
I had one experience with a first date and I was like "if you don't want kids that's fine, but I eventually do" not in those exact words, but I was forward with it. She never wanted kids and we still hung out, but it's better than investing years to find out that.
Great questions, especially the one about attachment styles. The answer she gave is a deeper understanding of how we see ourselves in light of our attachment styles, said style(s) not necessarily being a negative mark on one’s individuality and character (if they are of good character). It all leads back to effective reflection and communication.
I love the advice of investing in conversations with people you probably won't see again as practice for when you need to have tough conversations with people you love and care about.
Years ago when I lived in Florida, two different times people tried to gaslight me. These two guys were friends of mine and not romantic partners. One of these guys tried to gaslight me while I was describing situations which happened in my life long before I ever knew him. After arguing with him, I finally said, "You weren't even there." It was so bizarre. There are a lot of strange people in Florida.
I'm someone with autism. I have a relationship but in mine, everything is always so explicit and overall healthy, that i struggle to put myself in other people's shoes and understand how people have such issues when solutions seem so obvious and tend to be answered by: how about talking about it (in a constructive manner and in a state where you are both able to emotionally regulate if you get triggered). But in that one video, you helped me understand what others feel like in those situations better than most of the psychology books I've read. Thank you
Just to add to what she said. just because you are of a certain attachment style now doesn't mean you will stay that way. Also nothing wrong with a couple having two very different attachment styles. So long as there is trust and communication in the relationship adjustments can be made.
Oh man, I had the first situation happen to me and it was so hard because my friendship with her was very new and I knew she had suspicions about her boyfriend cheating on her. I did end up telling her and she disappeared for a week. I was devastated, but then she came to me and told me it was the catalyst for finally ending that relationship and we’ve been best friends for 25 years now.
Thank you for all the advice! I am in my first relationship ever at 32 years old. Thank you for answering some of my questions I've had. OMG Self Love and Self Worth is what I needed to build and has been the goal in my 3 years of therapy. I can finally say, I got there!
I love how Steph communicates and articulates things. Like to the question about the partner whose friends are losers (😂), she responds "if you think your partner isn't surrounding themselves with people who are invested in their success." Slay!
Absolutely love this advice. My current relationship has gone so well this long because we set up our expectations up front, and we’ve had discussions about openness and boundaries and what we want. 4.5 years in and we don’t even argue. We’ve lived together for half that time and it’s incredibly peaceful.
This was spectacular! I really loved watching this video, and you can really tell how knowledgeable Steph is. Thank you for making this video and for providing all these insights. I love it!
I usually never ghost someone however I was dating a guy that gave me serial killer vibes, so I up and blocked him on everything…. He still ended up contacting me. To this day I still believe he would have did something bad to me I had to flee the situation.
A beautiful Black woman. Great advice. Curious about your geographic background due to the pronunciation of "humble", which I don't think I've ever heard before.
I LOVE HER. I love what she said about cheating, I love what she said about open relationships and attachment styles. I love how she did not make things seem black and white.
I "ghost" trolls. Ghosting them because you feel they may react violently is a bad idea, you should be taking many proactive measures in your life if you think someone is a threat.
Love language is something new to me: words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service and gifts. Attachment styles are also interesting though.
0:45 she's probably very embarrassed and humiliated. 1:05 let the chips fall when they may: allow events to happen without trying to change them 1:50 a person to practice with to prepare the romantic one: a person where you'd be fine never to talk with them again. 2:20 people that you think uninvestable. 3:20 flirting to be ego-boosting. partner can still pull. in early dating process, defines what's cheating and not. 4:00 look at yourself at an introspective way, not Narcissist. 6:45 making you second guess yourself. make a scene. 9:35 open relationship is connected to the attachment style. still have the consistency to long-term goal with. 10:00 reconfiguring of identity. 11:10 the relationship to be a safe haven to weather the storms outside. 12:30 love language. 13:10 if whether want to have a baby. this is first discuss in the relationship.
In response to the kids question, my understanding is that you want to clear that ASAP and make sure you're giving a definitive yes or no on that (as opposed to "could go either way" or "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it" kind of responses).
Cheating is a option that requires agreement with oneself. Those actions have consequences. Which shall lead to trust issues, stress and separation of their relationship. Anyways, reunited relationships after cheating don't last long but some do.
Excellent advice! The only notes I would give are on your last bit of advice. As relationships mature, so do the things people want out of those relationships. So, while having conversations about expectations (such as whether a person wants children) are important at the beginning of a relationship… those goals can change and it is equally important to have those conversations later, without assuming your partner still feels the same as at the beginning of the relationship.
Thanks for having me! I'm loving your comments. Thanks for the kindness, everyone!
You were wonderfully concise and helpful, thank you so much ^_^ I recently realized I ascribe to ethical non-monogamy, and the way you answered the question about cheating felt very inclusive and open to all relationship styles. You pointed out that shared guidelines and communication are key. I was also happy to hear your narcissism answer, that was very integrative for me. All the best!
u have twitter we can follow ?
@@uberDukkha she has a UA-cam channel. Steph Anya, LMFT
You were great, thanks for doing this.
I'm somewhat insecure in relationships, but I am usually trying to stay detached and not wanting to be in need of validation... What's wrong with me? Hah!
Love her advice to use someone who you’re tempted to ghost to instead use them as practice for having difficult conversations!
yep honestly ghosting is such a cowardly thing to do and its usually a red flag for this reason. Even if they love you, if they ghosted a lot of people before they generally arent good at communication in relationships
@@yakb.7690 All the people with the whole “I don’t owe them anything argument” are really contributing to how inconsiderate people are becoming in general. Yeah, you don’t owe them, but it would be kind of you to politely end it
@@yakb.7690...what if I told them that it's enough and they just wanna drag it out longer?.. it depends but if I don't have any better solution, opting to ghost won't make me coward.. as your comment might suggest.. mr/miss.KnowItAll
@@n0nenone if you say no and they keep going just block and ghost..? lik still decent to just say no first
@@n0nenone that's not really ghosting. Once you tell someone you don't want to interact with them anymore, you can leave it at that.
Ghosting is more, sudden. That's what makes it hurtful. Honestly when I got ghosted it was like I mourned the person.
I really like this expert. Please have her on again!
Common sense, expertise, layperson-level presentation without dumbing down, pleasant to listen to.
I think people that see her for therapy are really lucky to have her in their corner.
@@anthonyguerin7659 Thank you for letting me know - I will look her up.
😅
This felt truly well studied and spoken! Agreed 🎉
I really liked how she did not explain anxious and avoidant attachment styles as inferior or worse than secured like what most say. They just seemed like differences in people and hoping that your partner would be able to provide that needed security/space for you. I love that
anxious and avoidant styles are 'worse' though, since they're insecure. they exist because of unfavourable childhood experiences.
wanting space and wanting closeness are both valid and necessary, and are included in secure attachment. wanting an EXCESSIVE or unhealthy amount of space or closeness are what mark avoidant and anxious attachment respectively
Of course a therapist wouldn't say that something is "worse." But of course it's worse - they're maladaptive behaviors as a response to not feeling consistently safe, protected, and loved as a child.
I don’t understand people’s need to make a ranking of EVERYTHING. Attachment styles are tools to understand someone’s way to relate in order how to tackle your relationship or others with you. Attachment styles are not goals to attain, but the consequence of a million things that define a human being. And at the end of the day, maybe someone doesn’t want to deal with an anxious or avoidant style of attachment but for others, that’s ok.
now everyone in this reply section has a degree in psychology suddenly…lmaoo
I think that's true because I read an anxious attachment can also make the person with that attachment super attentive to their partners needs. And I experience this myself! I don't think about my own needs enough but I am so vigilant on fulfilling my partners.
“Hey, ______ I hope this doesn’t come off the wrong way, but the way your partner talks to me when you’re not around makes me really uncomfortable” that’s a good way to start out that convo if anyone gets out in a position where their friend’s partner is flirting this them. It’s a great way to start the dialogue.
youre so right, i like that idea. their response would tell me a lot about them (e.g. if they accuse, blame or insult you,, they do not care about themselves or you.
Such helpful suggestions
As far as who pays on dates, my wife and I kind of switched back and forth when we were dating. Basically, whoever was in a more financially-secure spot at the moment paid, or sometimes we split it. I never did understand the idea of one person always paying, especially if you're heading into what you hope is a serious relationship. That's a partnership. Everything goes both ways.
That's healthy thinking because there are some people that make it seem like it's usually a man that should. What would this teach women if they weren't capable to be on their own. I get if you financially can afford more expensive things for your date but in return couldn't get equal. Men are simple but usually never expect gifts or whatever because no one is being raised to think about them.
I would say this is a remnant of when men were the primary breadwinners/"providers"...although in this day and age, if you're both making money, it makes sense to share with each other IN MY HUMBLE OPINION.
Yeah, I think this is a great lens through which we should examine who should pay. Given the pay discrepancy between women and men, this will certainly more often result in men paying within the context of straight relationships, but yeah if someone is in a better spot financially, I think it is the more equitable choice to have them pay
I think men paid the bill cause they had more good job opportunities. Nowadays woman are also working. As both sides have source of income, they should split the bill.
“Says a lot about your friendship”.
That was the moment I liked her and decided to watch the rest of the video. More of her please! ❤️
I fully agree on your last point that kids are not something that can really be compromised on, as I've just had to go through that conversation with someone. I've known her for several months now, and she's practically the woman of my dreams; we click super well and have grown very close, but unfortunately we can never pursue each other romantically because she really wants kids and I really don't.
Good on you for being honest and not wanting to waste both of y’all’s time
You can totally compromise on it. Especially if the woman wants kids and the man doesn't. Just have a bunch of kids and give them all up for adoption as soon as they're born. The woman gets to have progeny and the man gets to not have to raise kids. No sane person would accept this compromise, but it technically meets the criteria for an adequate compromise
Absolutely agree. I said no to a possible relationship because I knew he wanted children. It turned pretty ugly but at least I knew my gut was correct.
Thats a hard one. My dad actually didn't want kids in his 20s, but he compromised because he really wanted to be with my mother. And he turned out to really enjoy fatherhood, and he's been an amazing dad. He says its the best thing he ever did. Not telling you to do a thing, but it is worth considering
@@DiederikCA I know I'd be a good dad, but it's really not something I want. It's an immense financial and time commitment that will never really go away; kids don't stop being your kids at 18 or when they move out like some people tell me lol. I don't want to gamble something like that if it turns out my current mindset sticks with me about the situation. I'll just be the cool uncle that has all the fun material possessions like off-road vehicles and fancy cars, and I'm confident that'll be satisfying enough for me.
How did she think she was gonna get cancelled for the splitting the bill answer? It was the most balanced respectful thing she could’ve said 😂
Right, it’s what most people would say nowadays 😭
there are a lot of people who believe that the person that asked the other out should pay, and it can also get dicey with gender roles in straight relationships and perceived masculinity/femininity in same gender relationships
All genders: At a *minimum* offer to pay! It's a red flag when someone assumes the person to pay without the simple gesture of offering to pay. For me it shows you're either not serious or will not be a team player down the line.
I was honestly so confused because to me that ice cold take seems like he most common opinion of all time
whoever asks should pay, but women almost always expect the guy to ask 💀💀💀 literally no changes
I absolutely love that you advise people not to have kids if they actually don't want to. You just prevented a lot of child abuse down the line.
You may be surprised to see how some people who don't want to have kids actually get along with kids quite well. There are many reasons why someone doesn't want to have kids. Living in a country that doesn't support women with child raising, for example.
@@melaniesyxYep. I have never had the desire to bare my own children but I’d like to think I’m an amazing Aunt to my sister’s kids. They’re my whole world and I think that’s good enough for me :)
Strongly disagree, it won't prevent any. Most abusive people want to be parents, usually desperately so.
I think what it prevents mostly is parental regret.
Things like regretting motherhood are still very taboo topics for many people, but the truth is, a lot of people wouldn't have children again if they'd known what they'd known after having kids, or they wouldn't have been pushed into it by societal expectations.
@@spring7643 I think the OP might mean it more along the lines of when children feel they're not really loved, you know, parents actions can really mess up kids and it's not always about physical abuse.
If you have a mother as your primary caregiver and she might have been pressured into having children (by her partner, family or just society in general (it's what everyone does so I have to do it too sort of mindset)) and now maybe she regrets it and is unhappy, chances she are the kid knows something is off.
I really like the part where she mentioned that knowing your partner's love language can give out an inside of what can hurt them. Never thought of it in that way, so interesting!!
I think this is discussed in the book. A lot of people talk about the 5 Love Languages without actually reading it, even though it's pretty short.
What she said about attachment is very true. Im the type to fall under "anxiously attached" but my best friend is a lot more avoidant than i am and hes talked to me about how the reason im his favorite friend is because i actually give him his space when he needs it and hes allowed time to himself to disengage and recharge his social battery which he doesnt have with a lot of his other friends. Pay attention to the needs of the people around you because you may be disrespecting them unntentionally!
wait but if you're anxious then doesn't that mean your best friend often can't meet your needs since you need to be validated and attached more?
@@hc4846 I have other friends that can satisfy that need for me. I've also adapted to his needs and what times I can usually see him so its easier to go longer without interaction with him. The more i talk to certain people the more I desire their presence more.
Yes! I'm more secure/avoidant, and my best friend is anxious attachment. But we listen and communicate and understand our independence and when we need support! It's not about "they do or don't need me," it's more, "hey, what do you need? Space? A hug? Quality time? Just talking? Great!"
@@hc4846 Generally attachment style only really comes into play regarding romantic partners, as these are the relationships which we rely on most for safety and security. However if you're in say a group of single friends, you are more likely to play out your attachment styles on each other. This is why friendships often change when one friend get into a new relationship!
Her comments about being careful not 2 establish yourself as the enmy cause you don't know what ppl do 4 u behind closed doors is GOLD! If u think someone is low vibration, then elevate them.
She has a very good point but Its not always the case. My exes best friends told him of he wanted to cheat on me then I would never find out because they won't tell me.
@@moodyxepher3729 That's why she said to "be careful". You need to be discerning about it because if you are wrong.. well, it's probably over. It's people running in not knowing what they don't know that gets them into trouble.
Thank you for talking about "Ghosting"! 100% the reason I stopped using dating apps. I'd much rather hear that the vibes were off, you are no longer interested, etc rather than have my time/energy wasted.
Exactly. It’s so disrespectful when people waste your time just to ghost you.
Yeah but what I hate is that a “””therapist””” said is ok to ghost someone If that person have anger issues ? Like wtf? Say to that person you are not interested anymore , easy
@@matteo89ify She said, "if you don't feel safe". That's very different than merely expecting someone to yell or get upset.
If it's a normal relationship, you're right -- the person deserves a discussion to end the relationship.
However, if the person has already demonstrated anger issues and not treated you well, it's ok to take the easy way out and do it over the phone or text. At least you are still being clear with them that the relationship is over -- which is the decent thing to do.
@@matteo89ify If someone has anger issues, why would you validate their behavior by engaging in conversation, like wtf??
This was one of the best ones yet. I feel like this is such practical knowledge for everyone.
She forgot the most important part - bake your friend cookies like Phoebe did when she had to tell Rachel about Paolo. That helped a lot.
That’s why she said wait til your friend is disarmed lol one of the best ways to disarm someone before delivering bad news is baking them cookies I guess
Lmao😂
when your nurse gives you cookies in the hospital
@@Vashtibucket She should have suggested cookies. Otherwise her answer was good.
Yes!
2:17 she rephrased the question in such a kind way!! she’s also just extremely knowledgable and genuine it seems. pleasure listening to her!
The advice about ghosting is some of the best advice I’ve ever heard! The more you practice having difficult conversations, the easier it gets is so incredibly true.
Unfortunately in the age of technology it makes it so easy to ghost people, which in return is hindering people’s social skills.
"This is one of the things that needs to be discussed in the beginning of the relationship"
For real! People say it's a red "red flag" when someone wants to know right off the bat whether this is a viable commitment or you'd be better as friends rather than waiting years down the line and finding out when you're super invested in each other that you're incompatible in a fundamental way 💀and then WONDER why their love lives are crap! If you are too afraid to have those uncomfortable conversations, you're probably not ready for a relationship!
Love how this all boils down to : communicating with your partner
As person also working in the mental health field, I appreciate what she says in the video. Legit how I respond to a lot of my clients and I'm glad she's showing how insightful and awesome mental health professionals are!
I've never been in a relationship nor do I really care for one but it's really nice seeing her explain things so well
Things like these make me so glad I'm single and solitary lol
My husband always tells me I have my own version of reality. I never realized he was gaslighting me until I was out of the relationship.
This presenter hit on every major topic that's relevant in everyone single person's life today; Values are the most important thing, DBT, 5-stages of grief, love language, self care... we NEED MORE of this please.
This was too good to not have a part 2
I would only tell your partner that their friends are "losers" if those friends are actively causing harm - like your partner makes really bad choices around them, or they're damaging your relationship in some way. But if you just don't like the friends or you don't vibe with them or agree with them or whatever, but they're not having a tangible negative impact on your partner or relationship, I'd keep your opinion to yourself.
Yuppp I agree telling your partner who to be friends with is so controlling and disrespectful to who they are as a person..
Facts it’s giving mean girl/boy. Like you just want to humiliate your partner and assert power in the relationship by saying your friends are better than theirs. Weird
Ghosting existed before the internet, people go their own ways, that's not the problem at all. The problem is that they don't give any kind of feedback while they are still present, so it stays unclear what the problem was. Leaving is never the problem. I was actually always surprised when someone started to become destructive on purpose in a friendship, giving a clear sign they've actually left, yet got offended when I closed the door behind them as if I was the one who left. Most people have no idea how they are percieved by others and they are stunned when they actually learn it, yet most people also dont give a flying hekk about giving any kind of feedback (because they assume others are better mindreaders than them), so after all these are connected.
Not all therapists are this wise. She learned well! Wish my therapist was this good
If you have (those) self love practices.. it makes it a lot easier for the people around you to show you that they love you and it feels like an add on instead of a "need".
Words to live by.
She was so fluid and easy to understand with her explanations..! It shows how greatly she understands psychology..!
That the best 14 minutes ever!! She is so soft spoken and sweet that I could listen to her all day. Does she have her own channel?
She does! @stephanyalmft
Yes, look up Steph Anya LMFT
I've heard all these questions before but this lady has explained them the better than I've ever heard before. Demonstrating that expert is more than just a title.
The nails with the hand mannerisms were what drew me in but what she was saying kept me watching! You may never read this but thank you for your insight and expertise, it definitely helped!
I'm amazed by how straight to the point and clearly she speaks
Really great advice about ghosting. I understand that those situations exist, but I don’t like when others assume that anyone who gets ghosted is some kind of toxic monster.
Same
I really like the advice instead of ghosting, to use it as an opportunity to practice tough conversations.
I find it interesting that most of the answers in this video are having a honest conversation with your partner. Really comes to show how communication is key 🔑
YAAASSS STEPHANIE MADE IT ON HERE. I love her channel. Stephanie is so informative, insightful, and helpful! Yet again, another 10/10 banger video. Keep them coming!
What's her channel name?
@@sunnyday6679 it's in the video description :)
she's so well-spoken! perfect speed, perfect wording and super educational!
More of her please!! I need her as my marriage therapist for me and my hubs lol
She has a UA-cam channel!!
@@Rosalynn78 ohhh, I'll check her channel out! Thank you!! :)
I love the advice for ghosting! My advice to anyone who is being ghosted: be thankful; you just dodged a bullet. That person is not worth your time and needs to grow up.
uhh as someone who's been ghosted on by her (now ex-)best friend, i wholeheartedly agree with this woman. in fact, i consider it rather rude to ghost someone and i'd rather you just tell me what's on your mind instead of suddenly letting everything slide.
Wish you were my therapist....so open, so smart...so easy to talk to.. You make ALL therapists look good! ty
She knows her stuff. Great answers!!
A book shoutout - the book "Eight Dates" by the Gottmans that Steph has on her desk with her is a FANTASTIC book which helps create space for a lot of these conversations. As a future LMFT (about to start my residency years) I can't recommend that book enough for no matter what stage of the relationship you're in with your partner(s)
I think she articulates so well. I would feel comfortable letting my walls down with her
Yes, she seems understanding
#SaveSoil #ConsciousPlanet
I had one experience with a first date and I was like "if you don't want kids that's fine, but I eventually do" not in those exact words, but I was forward with it. She never wanted kids and we still hung out, but it's better than investing years to find out that.
Great questions, especially the one about attachment styles. The answer she gave is a deeper understanding of how we see ourselves in light of our attachment styles, said style(s) not necessarily being a negative mark on one’s individuality and character (if they are of good character). It all leads back to effective reflection and communication.
what a well spoken woman! She really communicates her points well, first time I've ever enjoyed a video this much, would LOVE to see more of her!
Her hair, nails, style, and thoughts... all so beautiful and well put together!!
Thank you, Stephanie! It was a pleasure to hear you talk! I hope they bring you back soon and more often!
The first problem is going on Twitter for relationship advice.
Never a more accurate comment
Yet here you are giving relationship advice on UA-cam
@@otterruin hes not really tho
Do you think people coming to you for relationship advise is a better option? 🤣🤦♂️
ong
I love the advice of investing in conversations with people you probably won't see again as practice for when you need to have tough conversations with people you love and care about.
Years ago when I lived in Florida, two different times people tried to gaslight me. These two guys were friends of mine and not romantic partners. One of these guys tried to gaslight me while I was describing situations which happened in my life long before I ever knew him. After arguing with him, I finally said, "You weren't even there." It was so bizarre. There are a lot of strange people in Florida.
Amazing choice of words .... This is the first time I have seen such a sensible therapist
Great questions and answers! Added bonus is the point that attacking a love language can cause a lot of hurt.
I'm someone with autism. I have a relationship but in mine, everything is always so explicit and overall healthy, that i struggle to put myself in other people's shoes and understand how people have such issues when solutions seem so obvious and tend to be answered by: how about talking about it (in a constructive manner and in a state where you are both able to emotionally regulate if you get triggered). But in that one video, you helped me understand what others feel like in those situations better than most of the psychology books I've read. Thank you
Love it! I would like more advice or a professional/scientific POV on relationships outside a romantic context like families, friends, and the like. 😊
She’s amazing. I feel my mental health improve just by listening to her.
Just to add to what she said. just because you are of a certain attachment style now doesn't mean you will stay that way. Also nothing wrong with a couple having two very different attachment styles. So long as there is trust and communication in the relationship adjustments can be made.
Oh man, I had the first situation happen to me and it was so hard because my friendship with her was very new and I knew she had suspicions about her boyfriend cheating on her. I did end up telling her and she disappeared for a week. I was devastated, but then she came to me and told me it was the catalyst for finally ending that relationship and we’ve been best friends for 25 years now.
Thank you for all the advice! I am in my first relationship ever at 32 years old. Thank you for answering some of my questions I've had. OMG Self Love and Self Worth is what I needed to build and has been the goal in my 3 years of therapy. I can finally say, I got there!
I love how Steph communicates and articulates things. Like to the question about the partner whose friends are losers (😂), she responds "if you think your partner isn't surrounding themselves with people who are invested in their success." Slay!
Absolutely love this advice. My current relationship has gone so well this long because we set up our expectations up front, and we’ve had discussions about openness and boundaries and what we want. 4.5 years in and we don’t even argue. We’ve lived together for half that time and it’s incredibly peaceful.
She's perfect so clear speaking and knows her stuff thank you 🙌
This was spectacular! I really loved watching this video, and you can really tell how knowledgeable Steph is. Thank you for making this video and for providing all these insights. I love it!
13.5 minutes of incredible advice, what a wonderful woman!
Its a miracle when anyone ever gets in, let alone stays, in a relationship.
Pleasee bring her againn! We need tons of this
I could listen to her talking for hours! Great video, I hope she comes back
She has a channel! Go see pinned comment 😊
Ayyyyyeeee It's Steph Anya! I love her videos! She's always so real and informative. Please bring her back!
She's so eloquent! Loved all her advice :)
1:22 titlecard question
Props to the lighting guy. Good job
5:58 Oh, thank you. It's so rare to see someone actually willing to say this outloud.
You give good advice in a nice, friendly and relaxed way.
I usually never ghost someone however I was dating a guy that gave me serial killer vibes, so I up and blocked him on everything…. He still ended up contacting me. To this day I still believe he would have did something bad to me I had to flee the situation.
Even had to change my phone number it was so crazy!
A beautiful Black woman. Great advice. Curious about your geographic background due to the pronunciation of "humble", which I don't think I've ever heard before.
I've heard this pronunciation randomly in church sometimes but it is definitely rare.
She hit the nail on the head with every awnser. Really well done!
This was amazing. This woman really is brilliant. Didn't think I would get so much clarity on things. Thank you.
I LOVE HER. I love what she said about cheating, I love what she said about open relationships and attachment styles. I love how she did not make things seem black and white.
I "ghost" trolls. Ghosting them because you feel they may react violently is a bad idea, you should be taking many proactive measures in your life if you think someone is a threat.
This was common knowledge to me but still very insightful. She's very well spoken and gave great responses to the questions
This is one of the best series on UA-cam. Keep it up, Wired!
Love language is something new to me: words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service and gifts. Attachment styles are also interesting though.
We want more Stephanie!
Americans are really strange about this paying on the first date thing. Paying your share feels much more sensible and adult.
It needs to change
0:45 she's probably very embarrassed and humiliated.
1:05 let the chips fall when they may: allow events to happen without trying to change them
1:50 a person to practice with to prepare the romantic one: a person where you'd be fine never to talk with them again.
2:20 people that you think uninvestable.
3:20 flirting to be ego-boosting. partner can still pull. in early dating process, defines what's cheating and not.
4:00 look at yourself at an introspective way, not Narcissist.
6:45 making you second guess yourself. make a scene.
9:35 open relationship is connected to the attachment style. still have the consistency to long-term goal with.
10:00 reconfiguring of identity.
11:10 the relationship to be a safe haven to weather the storms outside.
12:30 love language.
13:10 if whether want to have a baby. this is first discuss in the relationship.
I follow her on UA-cam; her channel is awesome! So glad she got to come on to give her feedback!
Omg she has a youtube channel !! Search her name on youtube
Can confirm! Followed her now
Wow! Never thought I could actually enjoy listening to a therapist so much. Great one WIRED. Please do a part 2 as well :)
Really appreciate your fresh perspective!
Bonus points for the eye/nail colour coordination 👌
0:14 just send her the link to this video girl 😂
OMG she is so well spoken, i love that!
In response to the kids question, my understanding is that you want to clear that ASAP and make sure you're giving a definitive yes or no on that (as opposed to "could go either way" or "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it" kind of responses).
I love Steph Anya and her channel! So exciting to see her on here
These are real, even tempered answers to really hard(at least for me ) interpersonal questions .... oh my gosh....does she have a book?
Cheating is a option that requires agreement with oneself. Those actions have consequences. Which shall lead to trust issues, stress and separation of their relationship. Anyways, reunited relationships after cheating don't last long but some do.
thank you for saying this
Excellent advice! The only notes I would give are on your last bit of advice. As relationships mature, so do the things people want out of those relationships. So, while having conversations about expectations (such as whether a person wants children) are important at the beginning of a relationship… those goals can change and it is equally important to have those conversations later, without assuming your partner still feels the same as at the beginning of the relationship.
That definition on a narcissism encapsulates my sister perfectly.