Needed this right now. Second round with my Avoidant BF after a 9 month break up. I healed before he came back. . But I think I’m gonna be the one to leave this time. . . I have too much self respect and self love to deal with his behavior indefinitely. I think he needs to feel the loss from me doing the breakup.i will not let him pull the trigger on me again. 😢
If you have the strength to leave, it's probably the best thing. Males avoidant have the trend of often going back to their ex and leaving again. Protect yourself first, your feelings are the most important. That relationship if he does not get help, is not the future you want.
You explained the relationship I had with an avoidant ex. I was always in constant state of anxiety and left in an ambiguous limbo unsure and never reassured that he wasn’t going to suddenly ghost after each wonderful time together. He’d stop communicating for weeks to months and then use work, being sick as excuses. He’d also reveal that he tried to date others but that didn’t work out. Seems like he had a lot of short term relationships.
Good stuff. You survived! It’s hard for anyone who’s never been through this type of relationship to understand. It took me a while to figure this out. Thanks for sharing!!
If you need to hear, "I love you" every day, then an avoidant is not for you. If your feelings can be logically dismissed, then avoidant is not for you. (ie.-I don't understand why you feel that way, so your feelings must be wrong) Good video.
You pointed out so many red flags in this video, such as she couldn't kiss you goodbye before her work trip! Terrible. Often it's better to preemptive with an avoidant and leave them first so they experience the pain of rejection. Of course, being avoidants, they usually suppress the pain and appear to be unaffected and seem to move on quickly. But if they have any capacity to feel pain at all, they will eventually feel it. It doesn't mean they will come back. Only if they recognize and work on their issues it might be possible, but that would be years away. If they don't work on themselves, they'll hurt their next partner too because THEY CAN'T do intimacy with anyone!
…yep, I go along with that. I ended a relationship recently, just 4 days after she shut down emotionally for the first time. I knew what I was dealing with in an instant as I had previous experience with what I now know to be an avoidant type. I have zero tolerance for that and see it as a form of manipulation. She certainly got more than she bargained for, especially since she had never been dumped before. I doubt many avoidants have. I hurt first and hurt hardest for the very reasons you are suggesting, that she needs to feel the full consequences of her actions. I seriously doubt it will make any difference as they don’t face up to themselves abs they don’t ‘do the work’, but that’s out of my hands anyway. I am gone regardless. Avoid avoidants at all costs I say !
I am sorry you had to go through such a relationship. I was married for 25 years to a Narcissistic Avoidant , but the counselors didn’t understand him or have the labels at the time. So he was to hard to help as he lied and denied everything in counseling . He use to be a Commercial fishermen and leave me home with 4 kids for months at a time. Then if he had a chance to call me would say he missed me, but when he came home would become cold and distance himself from me as soon as he got off the plane or boat that brought him home. No Hello , Hugs or Kisses. Was like I was Being Punished because he had to go fishing. Yet it Was the life style he chose. Then he would Scream at me for spending the money he made to pay his Bills and take care of the family. Sometimes we went for months without money because we couldn’t get paid until they caught and sold the Fish etc. , so by the time he got paid, all the Bills were way behind and I was out of food to feed the family, so I used the money to take care of all the bills and family needs. He would accuse me of Robbing him when I did that. In his eyes all the money he made should have been just sitting in the bank waiting for him when he got home. No regard that we had a family to care for. I hardly ever got any affection when I was always there for him and the family. That relationship was the worst. So 13 years later after my divorce . I met another one who Love Bombed me and did the slow fade and now monkey Branched and Ghosted me. I can follow him a little by watching his social media but he will not respond to any of my likes. Also that one wouldn’t allow me to put him and I together social media either., I wished I didn’t attract those Avoidants but don’t realize until after you are attached that’s what they are! 🤪
Wow what an experience. Thank you so much for sharing. That's a very long time to deal with that. You know what to watch out for but also easy to fall for the trap.
Yes that was a long time to put up with that ! But by the Grace of God he rescued me from that situation and I guess the most recent one also. I am trying to learn how to help other get through these kind of relationships! Thank you for your Empathy!!😊👍🙏
I am going through a breakup right now from an avoidant partner and I’m so broken. Out of the blue he came home from work and asked me how my day was , and then in the next breath he declared that he was leaving. He was gone in twenty minutes after living together for over two years. Mine was a bit different in the way that it started full of love bombing and saying I love you and giving me gifts like crazy. Looking back though I didn’t get any actual physical affection or intimacy, or rarely. This began changing and he wanted strange things intimately that I couldn’t understand or do as it would cross my boundaries . After he left I have been dwelling on what I did wrong and why he left without even having a conversation. But to be honest , he never communicated in the relationship anyway. This is even hard to write about as my guilt is enormous and I feel like I didn’t do enough to meet his needs. It’s been a month and I’m still in a lot of pain as I’ve heard he’s dating and I take this as I didn’t mean anything to him. I definitely overlooked huge signs that there was something wrong and just thought it would work itself out because we did have good times. But his hugs were cold and his words were empty and he didn’t show any emotion towards really loving me. I don’t know how to get through this .
O noooo. Mine did love bomb and gifts, just could not say the love word. Sadly because they are emotionless and selfish and play the victim, they move on very quickly. Your in the worst part now, second guessing it all and the pain, unless you've been through it, no one can imagine or describe. If you need, please get some meds, I needed to function. The bad news is there is no cure. The best thing you can do is remove and block as much as you can that reminds you of him. It's only time that will heal, and it takes a bit of that. You will have ups and downs. I really feel for you, I never want to go through that again. I only urge you if he gets in touch down the track, don't make the mistake of believing his changed. He will do it again. They all do unless they seek help.
Even if he were to come back (don't bet on it), it still won't be good because he's an avoidant. To heal yourself, make a list of all the negative things he did (broke up suddenly, couldn't say I love you, etc.) and DON'T take him back. He'll keep breaking your heart. Do No Contact (there are lots of videos on this). Eventually, look for someone better who CAN love.
Funny enough and I don’t know why this is but my avoidant male is very very affectionate. Hand holding when we watch tv, when we’re in the car he hold my hand, long long hugs, the whole 9. Every other way, he’s a typical avoidant
My fearful avoidant ex dumped me on 14th August and logically I realised that I don't want her back, the relationship was toxic for me and I can't trust her with my heart again even though I have this longing feeling for her. It truly is devestating and I'm struggling to get past each day sometimes I don't even have the energy to get out of the bed.. avoidants truly are the worst when they don't even know how their past trauma is destroying others
Yeah august not that long ago. Ironically even though I knew it was over, I kept looking at me phone waiting for a message. They leave without closure. Took me many months but was worth the time .
The sitting close to and then sitting opposite observation is pretty on-the-money. In the first few months, she kept encouraging me to sit next to her, on the same side of the table, and then that stopped out of nowhere. Also, the patting on the back: At a certain point, it went from us hugging passionately to a hug with these back pats. I didn't say anything to her about it but it's pretty obvious that's not how two people in love or who are close interact.
Thanks for the comment and feedback. I honestly thought at the time wow I must be a really bad person. Thought why am I so needy. I was doing what comes naturally with the person I love. How they change from early days and then no matter what I did, I was wrong.
@@droflivelife: Mine was fine with everything and then suddenly my house was a dump, my car was a dump, I allegedly smelt (little hypocritical considering when we were having sex all the time we both smelt) and a number of other types of comments. It's just them rejecting themselves really. How old between break ups and getting back together for you?
@robertdeskoski9783 least you got sex. She went from saying she could go 10 times a day to weeks without. When I asked what's changed, she said works busy. I said it's the same as it's always been. We broke up. Started talking a week later, then nothing again for two weeks. This is before I knew about attachment styles. I was super anxious. I kept trying and trying. Took me 3 months. Only lasted another 3 months. She moved in to my house, 2 days later said I can't do it, and left.
We ran into each other after 5 months. She was happy to see me but that was it. I sent an email 8 months late, she was polite but no intention of getting back. That was it. 1.5 years now. I'm healed and know it would have never worked out.
Do you comment on all his videos? This is the like third negative comment I’ve seen from you. Why not just take accountability and work on yourself and your relationships instead of arguing with people’s experiences from dealing with avoidants?
Funny enough and I don’t know why this is but my avoidant male is very very affectionate. Hand holding when we watch tv, when we’re in the car he hold my hand, long long hugs, the whole 9. Every other way, he’s a typical avoidant
So my ex loved to hold hands in public and in the car. Couch or bed hugs depending on her mood. Hello and goodbye hugs were not affectionate just going through the motion.
@@droflivelife I’m on the fence with my avoidant. In some ways it feels like a curse to fall in love with someone like him but it also feels like it is happening to teach me to love myself more among other things. I just hate feeling this anxiety in my gut all the time. I’m learning new ways to self soothe myself. I think the key is to focus on myself more than focusing on him. Some days I wish I could walk away and I have, I walked away, closed the door/blocked for 2 months and he found a way to get to me anyway. I just pray a lot. And cherish the time that we have together. I also pray I’m not wasting my time. Thank you for your insight
@SRenee-k5c I do hope it works out if that's the outcome you want. That anxiety feeling was doing me too much damage and I knew through previous healthy relationships that's its not right and should not be that way. I think we compromise too much for avoidants for what we get back. But some how they have a spell on us for those few good moments and we hope to regain that.
Needed this right now. Second round with my Avoidant BF after a 9 month break up. I healed before he came back. . But I think I’m gonna be the one to leave this time. . . I have too much self respect and self love to deal with his behavior indefinitely. I think he needs to feel the loss from me doing the breakup.i will not let him pull the trigger on me again. 😢
If you have the strength to leave, it's probably the best thing. Males avoidant have the trend of often going back to their ex and leaving again. Protect yourself first, your feelings are the most important. That relationship if he does not get help, is not the future you want.
@@droflivelife thank you kindly x
You explained the relationship I had with an avoidant ex. I was always in constant state of anxiety and left in an ambiguous limbo unsure and never reassured that he wasn’t going to suddenly ghost after each wonderful time together. He’d stop communicating for weeks to months and then use work, being sick as excuses. He’d also reveal that he tried to date others but that didn’t work out. Seems like he had a lot of short term relationships.
I think what you described is the typical relationship experience with an avoidant. So traumatic. I hope you can get away from it and heal.
Good stuff. You survived! It’s hard for anyone who’s never been through this type of relationship to understand. It took me a while to figure this out. Thanks for sharing!!
Thank you for the kind words
If you need to hear, "I love you" every day, then an avoidant is not for you. If your feelings can be logically dismissed, then avoidant is not for you. (ie.-I don't understand why you feel that way, so your feelings must be wrong)
Good video.
My ex was talking kids, marriage, house and after 2 years not once could say I love you. Thanks for the comment. Appreciate your views and feedback.
Its harder to end toxic relationships than healthy ones
Free yourself
Very true
You pointed out so many red flags in this video, such as she couldn't kiss you goodbye before her work trip! Terrible. Often it's better to preemptive with an avoidant and leave them first so they experience the pain of rejection. Of course, being avoidants, they usually suppress the pain and appear to be unaffected and seem to move on quickly. But if they have any capacity to feel pain at all, they will eventually feel it.
It doesn't mean they will come back. Only if they recognize and work on their issues it might be possible, but that would be years away. If they don't work on themselves, they'll hurt their next partner too because THEY CAN'T do intimacy with anyone!
…yep, I go along with that. I ended a relationship recently, just 4 days after she shut down emotionally for the first time. I knew what I was dealing with in an instant as I had previous experience with what I now know to be an avoidant type. I have zero tolerance for that and see it as a form of manipulation. She certainly got more than she bargained for, especially since she had never been dumped before. I doubt many avoidants have.
I hurt first and hurt hardest for the very reasons you are suggesting, that she needs to feel the full consequences of her actions. I seriously doubt it will make any difference as they don’t face up to themselves abs they don’t ‘do the work’, but that’s out of my hands anyway. I am gone regardless.
Avoid avoidants at all costs I say !
Thank you for the comments. I find it unhuman, almost robot like.
I am sorry you had to go through such a relationship. I was married for 25 years to a Narcissistic Avoidant , but the counselors didn’t understand him or have the labels at the time. So he was to hard to help as he lied and denied everything in counseling . He use to be a Commercial fishermen and leave me home with 4 kids for months at a time. Then if he had a chance to call me would say he missed me, but when he came home would become cold and distance himself from me as soon as he got off the plane or boat that brought him home. No Hello , Hugs or Kisses. Was like I was Being Punished because he had to go fishing. Yet it Was the life style he chose. Then he would Scream at me for spending the money he made to pay his Bills and take care of the family. Sometimes we went for months without money because we couldn’t get paid until they caught and sold the Fish etc. , so by the time he got paid, all the Bills were way behind and I was out of food to feed the family, so I used the money to take care of all the bills and family needs. He would accuse me of Robbing him when I did that. In his eyes all the money he made should have been just sitting in the bank waiting for him when he got home. No regard that we had a family to care for.
I hardly ever got any affection when I was always there for him and the family.
That relationship was the worst. So 13 years later after my divorce . I met another one who Love Bombed me and did the slow fade and now monkey Branched and Ghosted me. I can follow him a little by watching his social media but he will not respond to any of my likes. Also that one wouldn’t allow me to put him and I together social media either., I wished I didn’t attract those Avoidants but don’t realize until after you are attached that’s what they are! 🤪
Wow what an experience. Thank you so much for sharing. That's a very long time to deal with that. You know what to watch out for but also easy to fall for the trap.
Yes that was a long time to put up with that ! But by the Grace of God he rescued me from that situation and I guess the most recent one also. I am trying to learn how to help other get through these kind of relationships! Thank you for your Empathy!!😊👍🙏
I am going through a breakup right now from an avoidant partner and I’m so broken. Out of the blue he came home from work and asked me how my day was , and then in the next breath he declared that he was leaving. He was gone in twenty minutes after living together for over two years. Mine was a bit different in the way that it started full of love bombing and saying I love you and giving me gifts like crazy. Looking back though I didn’t get any actual physical affection or intimacy, or rarely. This began changing and he wanted strange things intimately that I couldn’t understand or do as it would cross my boundaries .
After he left I have been dwelling on what I did wrong and why he left without even having a conversation. But to be honest , he never communicated in the relationship anyway. This is even hard to write about as my guilt is enormous and I feel like I didn’t do enough to meet his needs. It’s been a month and I’m still in a lot of pain as I’ve heard he’s dating and I take this as I didn’t mean anything to him. I definitely overlooked huge signs that there was something wrong and just thought it would work itself out because we did have good times. But his hugs were cold and his words were empty and he didn’t show any emotion towards really loving me. I don’t know how to get through this .
O noooo. Mine did love bomb and gifts, just could not say the love word. Sadly because they are emotionless and selfish and play the victim, they move on very quickly. Your in the worst part now, second guessing it all and the pain, unless you've been through it, no one can imagine or describe. If you need, please get some meds, I needed to function. The bad news is there is no cure. The best thing you can do is remove and block as much as you can that reminds you of him. It's only time that will heal, and it takes a bit of that. You will have ups and downs. I really feel for you, I never want to go through that again. I only urge you if he gets in touch down the track, don't make the mistake of believing his changed. He will do it again. They all do unless they seek help.
He will come back especially when you are with another man. Then they act like you betrayed them.
@marguskiis7711 that's very true also.
Even if he were to come back (don't bet on it), it still won't be good because he's an avoidant. To heal yourself, make a list of all the negative things he did (broke up suddenly, couldn't say I love you, etc.) and DON'T take him back. He'll keep breaking your heart.
Do No Contact (there are lots of videos on this). Eventually, look for someone better who CAN love.
Funny enough and I don’t know why this is but my avoidant male is very very affectionate. Hand holding when we watch tv, when we’re in the car he hold my hand, long long hugs, the whole 9. Every other way, he’s a typical avoidant
My fearful avoidant ex dumped me on 14th August and logically I realised that I don't want her back, the relationship was toxic for me and I can't trust her with my heart again even though I have this longing feeling for her. It truly is devestating and I'm struggling to get past each day sometimes I don't even have the energy to get out of the bed.. avoidants truly are the worst when they don't even know how their past trauma is destroying others
Yeah august not that long ago. Ironically even though I knew it was over, I kept looking at me phone waiting for a message. They leave without closure. Took me many months but was worth the time .
I believe that it's so traumatizing because intermittent reinforcement creates an addiction to the person. The breakup borders on chemical withdrawal.
It's the same they say. Hence when we break up we are wanting anything for them to reach out, it's like getting a hit.
@@droflivelife Exactly! Horrible experience. Fortunately, you get smart after the first avoidant...
The sitting close to and then sitting opposite observation is pretty on-the-money. In the first few months, she kept encouraging me to sit next to her, on the same side of the table, and then that stopped out of nowhere.
Also, the patting on the back: At a certain point, it went from us hugging passionately to a hug with these back pats. I didn't say anything to her about it but it's pretty obvious that's not how two people in love or who are close interact.
Thanks for the comment and feedback. I honestly thought at the time wow I must be a really bad person. Thought why am I so needy. I was doing what comes naturally with the person I love. How they change from early days and then no matter what I did, I was wrong.
@@droflivelife: Mine was fine with everything and then suddenly my house was a dump, my car was a dump, I allegedly smelt (little hypocritical considering when we were having sex all the time we both smelt) and a number of other types of comments. It's just them rejecting themselves really.
How old between break ups and getting back together for you?
@robertdeskoski9783 least you got sex. She went from saying she could go 10 times a day to weeks without. When I asked what's changed, she said works busy. I said it's the same as it's always been. We broke up. Started talking a week later, then nothing again for two weeks. This is before I knew about attachment styles. I was super anxious. I kept trying and trying. Took me 3 months. Only lasted another 3 months. She moved in to my house, 2 days later said I can't do it, and left.
Great video resounates so much
Thank you so much for the feedback
@@droflivelife your welcome my ex I used to call boomerang
Mine was actually out the blue. No flags missed :/
Please give us an update on you, has she reached out, how are you doing/healing, etc
We ran into each other after 5 months. She was happy to see me but that was it. I sent an email 8 months late, she was polite but no intention of getting back. That was it. 1.5 years now. I'm healed and know it would have never worked out.
It's obvious she is not in love with you.
Exactly. She is in love with the phantom ex syndrome of avoidants.
There hard because your type are so insecure and obviously haven't dealt with your emotional issues.
Both attachment styles need to work on their issues. It's not a one way street. I'm capable of long term relationships, she isn't.
Do you comment on all his videos? This is the like third negative comment I’ve seen from you. Why not just take accountability and work on yourself and your relationships instead of arguing with people’s experiences from dealing with avoidants?
@ummjunayd1511 thank you so much 🙏
Funny enough and I don’t know why this is but my avoidant male is very very affectionate. Hand holding when we watch tv, when we’re in the car he hold my hand, long long hugs, the whole 9. Every other way, he’s a typical avoidant
So my ex loved to hold hands in public and in the car. Couch or bed hugs depending on her mood. Hello and goodbye hugs were not affectionate just going through the motion.
@@droflivelife I’m on the fence with my avoidant. In some ways it feels like a curse to fall in love with someone like him but it also feels like it is happening to teach me to love myself more among other things. I just hate feeling this anxiety in my gut all the time. I’m learning new ways to self soothe myself. I think the key is to focus on myself more than focusing on him. Some days I wish I could walk away and I have, I walked away, closed the door/blocked for 2 months and he found a way to get to me anyway. I just pray a lot. And cherish the time that we have together. I also pray I’m not wasting my time. Thank you for your insight
@SRenee-k5c I do hope it works out if that's the outcome you want. That anxiety feeling was doing me too much damage and I knew through previous healthy relationships that's its not right and should not be that way. I think we compromise too much for avoidants for what we get back. But some how they have a spell on us for those few good moments and we hope to regain that.