Verbal Abuse in Relationships: What it is and How to Stop It
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- Опубліковано 14 жов 2024
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Verbal Abuse in Relationships: What it is and How to Stop It
Verbal abuse is not okay. But verbal abuse in relationships, as well as emotional abuse, is super common even in non-abusive relationships. There is confusion around what is verbal abuse versus what is emotional abuse, especially if you feel hurt but can't put your finger on why. This video specifically addresses verbal abuse in marriage, sharing both examples of verbal abuse and how it differs from emotional abuse, AS WELL as destructive communication. I share with you HOW to STOP verbal abuse in its tracks. Watch this video if you suspect you may be experiencing verbal abuse in your life, but aren't sure what to do about it.
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Monika Hoyt, LICSW | Monika Hoyt helps couples and individuals whose marriages are on the brink transform their relationships from the inside-out. She focuses on changing limiting beliefs, building emotional connection, and getting on the same team for life.
This channel covers topics like how to trust in a relationship, how to deal with narcissistic personality disorder or emotional abuse in relationships, and how to prevent divorce.
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What are you supposed to really do about abisive relationships? Just separate? Cause in mine, the abuse is just a constant flow. I tried so many different things and just nothing ever changes. I'll be honest and sincere, kind, understanding and listen and I'll do so much but nothing ever works. It only stops if i just shut up and take the abuse
You are correct. You just have to not talk, and they continue.
This is how I feel. I am on the verge of just leaving the marriage. My husband says things to me like, “You make me…” I find it’s best to just be quiet and not say anything. He has a way of pushing my buttons. It’s like he’s trying to bait me into an argument. Sometimes m, I feel like he gets mad when I don’t engage in the argument. He says really hurtful things to me. He complains all the time and it is really draining.
Walking away also makes it stop.
I have an update. I couldn’t take it anymore and told my husband if he didn’t change the way he speaks to me, I no longer want the marriage. He sat with what I said for a couple of days and apologized. He asked me to be patient with him and he was going to try to do better. He still has outbursts, but when I look at him a certain way, he backs down and leaves the conversation until he’s calmed down. He remembers what I said about not wanting the marriage if he keeps this behavior going. In the conversation I had with him about not wanting the marriage because of the verbal abuse, I said I love you, but I am saying no to anymore verbal attacks. I am your wife and deserve to be spoken to with respect. I kept it simple and direct. Hope this helps someone. It’s a process, but it’s working.
Leave 100%. Abusers don't change. The learned to behave this way in childhood. The behaviors are woven into their personality. It's how THEY operate. You won't change them. If you want peace, you gotta walk away
It usually takes two years of no abuse for the target to feel like they believe there has been change. In general, even if they apologize and say they will try, they just can't help themselves. They have no other tools and change is usually slow and minimal at best. Those behaviors will never be 100% gone. They are part of their personality.. it's really hard to change personalities.......
When you give them nothing to criticize, they’ll start inventing things.
😢sadly it’s true
That's probably more common in fact. That's part of what separates abuse from a lesser form of perhaps toxic or immature behaviour I guess.
True.
Thank you for mentioning how rhetorical questions (20:20) can be used to blame you. I had a boss who used this strategy all the time. I couldn't understand why, but it felt wrong and it felt like abuse.
She is being manipulative, she taunts the guy while playing the baby in distress , how do you deny a baby it's bottle? It's inhumane, unfortunately for the guy he can't leave the grown baby, bad husband bad father ... nobody is shaming her for the social pressure of taking care of both toddlers.
Grey rock. Grey rock. Grey rock. You are dealing with someone who is hell bent on bashing you with their voice. Cash up. Get out if you can. In the meantime : Grey rock. Grey rock. Grey rock. You are being treated as if you are one, so adopt the posture of a Grey rock. It is the only way to survive until you can get out.
My husband literally thinks that it’s okay for him to point out every time I make a driving mistake, but if I will dare to say something to him then he can get enraged and tell me that the way I think like that is ridiculous. Why it’s okay for him to tell me but not the other way around?? Totally makes no sense!!! Unless it’s narcissism
some people can't take feedback, it's a weakness for sure
Control
It's very immature behavior. Someone hurt him he when was a kid. Big time.. he is a child wearing a man suit. Monsters aren't born. They are formed and molded by abuse, neglect, and chaos in childhood. I wonder who treated him like that when he was a kid.......That behavior is learned (or at least allowed) from poor or absent role models ......
It's an explanation not an excuse. The past is not a pass for treating someone poorly. From his point of view I bet he thinks you are treating him poorly...they can't logic or see their behavior as an issue because they are stuck in fight or flight and will see YOU as a threat and then as the victim all the time..Abusers see themselves as victims in every situation.
Why Does He Do That? Lundy Bancroft. Excellent read.
We need to find partners that respect us first and foremost. Love is not the most important thing in a relationship.
Respect > Love
Foundation of Respect is what leads to healthy partnerships and even amicable divorces or break ups yes it's possible to have an amicable one
Yep - "I do this for a living" response when you are discussing something that you need to talk about or have validated - the person cuts you off and invalidates your need to discuss something because your are 'less" than them.
Social media is destoying relationships.I do not do social media but I have seen many disaster.Its such a shame that people pretend to get along when in reality in fact is bs.
Gray areas in relationships:
19:26 rhetorical questions and what is appropriate.
21:18 shut down statements and a rejection of a genuine bid for connection.
22:42 judgmental comments disguised as neutral observations.
23:49 defensive maneuvers amd deflection
24:59 assuming bad character insisting a negative narrative about them
25:46 speaking for them assuming their intentions
26:26 sarcasm and digs
27:15 baiting questions aren't real questions
28:54 technicalities and cherry picking your partners arguments
Intention is key. "Be clear."
31:01 summary
Thank you.
My husband is verbally abusive. Any argument we have, he will break down my character. He even said that he will put me back in the gutters, where I came from. The gutters is a house where he often had a good plate of food and my parents treated him like a family member. They must be turning in their graves.
98% of what you said is exactly what my marriage is. I pray for God to set me free or change him, often!!
Thanks for giving both sides of the conversation I have been the giver and receiver in conversations with others. This strengthens my growth .Thank you
You are so welcome Debra!
This is extremely well communicated. I’ll be watching you more.
Thank you!!! thank you so much for bringing up rhetorical questions and I personally believe and I think from my personal experience from my mother that rhetorical questions can very very much be used in a verbally abusive way.
I feel like I should stay stay far away from people because everyone I come in contact with some form of abuse😢
Every man I fall for, ends up abusing me.
Hmmmm. I feel lt like that. My main source was a mother, put owns etc so I walked away, leaving the whole family behind, it gets easier, and I'm still traumatised but in peace. People that show evil in anyway are showing who they are. We don't have to be friends with everyone, it's best to be happy alone that's ok. But please don't isolate, there are good people too, be descerning of your needs. Don't give away to much information about yourself let them do the talking. Good life to you. 🙏🏼
Thank you for explaining it just the right way!
Sarcasm is basically passive aggressive BS. Its almost always used to try to put somebody down and belittle.
Very important that you said disruption works if not pathological narcissist or abusive. Boundaries worked with my Mom. With my partner, it escalated his behavior to where I needed police to help me to a shelter.
Monika you are so knowledgeable and thank you for sharing.
Thank you Kim!
I see so many of these videos about abuse and bad communication. Do you have anything to teach people how to communicate the right way?
This was Wow! Thanks.
I had asked for help from an immediate family member with an issue with some research and they scoffed and YELLED at me about not knowing a number that I don't look up every day - in a belittling way. They also closed the page they were on and I lost it and told them "if you don't want to help just say so" and hung up. It's been almost a year and they don't respond to my calls, ecards, non responsive to trying to make things right. The verbal/emotional abuse has happened before (Yelling). I still care for them but wish we could deal with this. Problem is I don't think they'd admit doing it. I shouldn't have hung up on them, but it was a reaction I couldn't stop as I was taken aback by not just the yelling, but the derisive tone and them x-ing out of a page they had opened to help on. I should say I wasn't demanding they help immediately - they could do so at their leisure ( but we did only have about 2 weeks). I even tried to joke about it "Your mission, should you decide to accept it....." I am deeply wounded by what happened. Want to make things right and asked them what I could do to make things right and got no answer.
Simple anything that is said to you that makes you feel less than period. Anyone that tears you down verbally is abusive always pointing out all your faults never having anything good to say tearing you down verbally verbally abusive.
Thank you for making this video ❤
you are welcome!
Thank you! Very clear and understanding 👌🙏
How can I heal my spouse? I am the one who got out of control with bi polar verbal abuse? How can I help him heal
Some of these interactions discussed can be abusive, but depending on the context.
I have on occasion told my ex spouse that she had told me a story before, but i certainly didnt mean to shut her up. But she had a pattern of repeating these same stories over and over again. And for so long, i avoided reminding her that she told me that story before, but eventually i had to remind her that she had told me that story enough that i didnt need all the details told to me all over again.
So, there are many times when something on the surface can be labeled abuse or emotional abuse when there is no abusive motivation at all.
So be careful what you label as abusive in your mind because you could demonize someone who doesnt have an abusive bone in their body.
As a man. I was emotionally neglected and devalued by my former spouse.
She was so many things described in this video. Yes, i was guilty of many things in the video, but i was always wanting to connect with her emotionally and intimately, but i just could never get anything out of her. And i was never good enough.
Sometimes when you are abused, especially as a man, it leads to behavior that seems a bit out of character. But then you always revert back to your normal self and go 'wait, what was i thinking?'.
Thats me.
She on the otherhand, would never tell me how sorry that she said things like 'you are not a man' or 'youre a self centered pussy bitch' or 'daddys boy pampered bitch'.
She has never and will never apologize. And those things have had a devastaiting effect on my everyday well being, leading to depression.
I'm sorry to hear, nobody deserves that treatment
Mannnnn look into bdsm you might be taking it the wrong way
I am miserably unhappy where my husband “forced “ a move to a different part of the country , close to his sister and brother whom we see occasionally. I signed the papers because my husband said he was going with or without me . During last year, our daughter was killed , I had serious health challenges , and beefed him repeatedly for us to sell the house before we moved in - even at a loss.
He refused. We moved in May. I absolutely hate it …..16 hours from a few friends, family especially my son. I show how unhappy I am by crying very often and telling him I’m unhappy HERE. Things would not be perfect if we moved back , but I would feel better.
He continues verbally and emotionally abuse me. I am strongly considering divorce , but have very little actual support to get through this nightmare.
I am so sorry for your many losses. I’m so sorry you lost your child.
I am not forcing this on you, but just sharing all that I have: the love of Jesus Christ is my only hope. I pray that you feel his mercy and care soon. May he be only a prayer away. I have been very lonely in my marriage and family situation because of abuse but when I can hold onto faith, it can at times be an inexpressible joy. The psalms and many parts of the New Testament can be extremely comforting and reassuring. I hope that helps. 🙏🏼
I am sorry about your daughter. Having family in different parts of the country or even overseas is always going to make someone in the partnership unhappy to some degree.
Relationships can be complicated when we don't put our Faith and Trust in God first, because we live in a fallen world and sin willingly. We should always seek God’s will in our lives and He will bless us with a suitable partner far beyond our wildest dreams!!
Put the old beat up luggage down and grab ahold of the new!!
Have a Blessed day!!💞
You're right and the only way we can put down the old luggage as you say and grab ahold of the new luggage is to practice practice practice practice practice these things called boundaries and find out thus is how we practically live out the gospel of Jesus and His command to love one other as He has loved us.
What am I supposed to do when the women I am seeing refuses to accept what I say is the truth, that when I say nothing is wrong it's exactly that? Why is she always saying I'm the problem? I could go on!
What about Precious Princess but sarcastic and mean?
Pls make a video on verbal abuse from rarely to basicall no interaction ppl. I was the scapegoat, they insult me heavily, punish me by cutting off my rights and destroying my birthday, Christmas and now the 2nd holiday bys making me come home extra to take care of my cat they were supposed to do. I have breakdowns and I totally isolate from women(mother wound, she was narcissist). Or a video on mother wound, not just what is this, how to stop this eternal reinicitation, it just has to stop for once I´m 43 and still get abused that´s insane
here is nothing about relationship or friendship, vulnerability it´s a joke when they call me names, they do cut off the communication by taking this way. This can´t be solved with communication anymore. I was in CBT, in clinics and even the last psychologist omg she indirectly blamed me. I should have tried harder to better communicate, then I wouldn´t have been insulted and punished, the impacts on my life, health, holiday of course 0 empathy. I get no help from no one and I sometimes am so done that I just want to make it stop for good(of course just passive thoughts). I don´t think in our world I´m the only one being insulted, we need advice and help asap, I myself know others who also struggle with verbal abuse
My dad was verbal and my mothers other husband vas emotional.So this became my norm.
Can people call 211 for transportation and a shelter,about adult abuse,if people on disability.
All men should relisten to the testimony in the Amber Heard Johnny Depp trial. Amber on tape recordings gives unfortunately a masterclass in verbal abuse.
What if you are really unhappy because youre partner yells at you like you said with high intensentie and you say i am unhappy becouse of youre behavoir to me , i am abusive
Or if im in a suicidal crisis because something really awfull happend to me and my partner is choising himself work friends before me and let me suffer. And i plee him not to go becouse im.scared that i kill myself but he leaves anyway and for two hours i cry and try to slitt my wrist. That makes me abusive.? And before that he never worked but as soon there is something wrong with me he diseded to work 24/7 and i called him egoistic. Before he justed. Smoked joints and living of my money. That that makes me abusive?
He leaves all day. But i need two hours or even more to stop being suicidal. I needed help but he did not seemed to care
Or are we both abusive
19:35 I get that all the time … i finally blew up and we are probably breaking up.
they verbaaly abuse u but if u tell them that they are hurting u u are now abusing thmn so now u deserve worst treatmentit feels lik u are justifying my abuse
My husband is always telling me that I'm stupid he tells me that he compares me to other women because I stay home and I have disability he works but I work making cash do concrete flooring but he'll say oh these women can do a weed eater all day and he's always talking about them cuz he's had his own group of women he said I would like to see you come to work and see how long you last
I think we need to be careful not to be too sensitive, needy, wanty, confused, stoic and confident would be better unless you have insecurities or deep down fears. I see what you mean about nuances and little slights. I do think we need to pretty forgiving if we wanna marry n have kids. Just my opinion though. A long patience, understanding and empathy, forgiveness, those wind up being needed most. Just because we are all human and occasionally fail in some respects. If you feel scared, it might be childhood trauma or a personality disorder? Might not even be your partner. But if they use all these side a Then when you have a disagreement, your discernment is correct. They’re abusing you. I do think we shouldn’t be having too many disagreements though. In general. 😎🙏💯
Those who live in camp vuctimhood, will feel abused by simply hearing the word hello from a person they don't like... best thing to do is make marriage illegal and forbid people from having kids.
No sound
U tell your partner things that are delicate about your childhood,family,then they get used to hurt u by your partner dont understand
I agree with much of what you are talking about; but I have a hard time with your phrase selection and key words that you're using I am sensitive and aware distasteful banter about my content , character and energy These phrases are consistent with verbal abuse . Please refrain from using me in any context that is constant hypocritical to the subject matter and disqualifies you as someone to receive safe ,neutral ethical advice from .
Have a good day
Is farting loud considers emotional abuse?
wtf it’s better no not talk at all just don’t talk or joke or complain
you use too many big words and not enough examples. Your vocabulary is for mental health professionals. I am looking for references for young people so I can't direct any of them to your site even through you probably have the knowledge they need you are delivering it in a way that is useless and condescending to them.