I’ve been reading Patricia’s book: The Verbally Abusive Relationship For almost a month. Two days ago, I threw what I needed into my car (in his name) and drove away. And I’m not going back. I was dying inside and I knew he wouldn’t stop. I plan to tell him why. I pray he gets help. But I’m not his emotional punching bag for him to take out his anger and frustration on.
Yay! You are NOT his emotional punching bag, and now you never have to be again. :) Do you have somewhere to stay, Cindy? Do you have friends/family to help?
When she said he is happy afterwards but it took days for her to recover my heart feel on the floor that's me 🥺 I am at my wits end now I have physical pain...
Thinking about you!! It's no surprise that your body is hurting - our bodies hurt as a way of telling us that they can't survive in the environment we've put them in. Do you have a friend or a family member you can go to and tell them what's going on and get support and maybe eventually a place to stay when you're ready to leave?
He told me that i am a shitty person, and that it was my fault that everything is my fault. He always asks me if im happy that he is upset. He also said that im not a normal person.
I sometimes wonder if all verbally abusive guys are given a script, and they just read off these lines to every single woman they meet. What's even crazier is that this guy expects you to BELIEVE him! He really thinks he can convince you that you're a bad person. Verbally abusive guys are always the victim. They twist it so you're the one at fault. You have no idea what's going on - this guy is supposed to love you, why would he say that? And it makes you feel like you're going crazy. That's called "gaslighting," and it's a technique used to control. I know one thing - you are TOTALLY normal, the way you're feeling is TOTALLY understandable, and the fact that you care enough to try to figure out what's going on PROVES that you're a good person.
Thank you. My husband is verbally abusive and it’s scary. He’s also verbally abusive to our son, who just turned 15, and now our son is acting that way. I’m mentally exhausted.
Is there someone/somewhere you can get some help, Suzanne? Helping yourself will help your son, who's learning those toxic behaviors and may very well end up repeating them in his own relationships. It is so tiring to be constantly beaten down. If you dare to think about leaving, your husband will escalate his behavior. I did a video on how to leave a toxic relationship - it may or may not be of some help: ua-cam.com/video/2w4uHLz3YMI/v-deo.html
Thank you for that reference! Here is the Amazon link to the book for folks who want to check it out: www.amazon.com/Words-Hurting-Board-Book-Behavior/dp/1575421550
This is so disturbing. I love my ex and I tried everything to make it work but this was breaking me down and I had to leave. I’ve never experienced this level of attachment to a man and I’ve never experienced this level of emotional and verbal abuse. Everything that he is, he’d project on me... weak, scary, narcissistic, unthoughtful, selfish, etc. and it actually rattled my reality in trying to please him more and more losing myself. I could not understand how he was so out of touch with reality. I’m still emotionally messed up about it. He shared with me that his mom was in abusive relationships and that he witnessed it. I believe during that time of him growing up, he latched on to those characteristics of his mother’s abusers. He prides himself on not being physically abusive and not cheating but his emotional abuse toward me was the worse thing I ever encountered in a relationship
I'm so sorry! That's the worst part about it - how it messes up your mind, and how long it takes to recover your sense of confidence in who you are and what is real. Reading Patricia Evans' book was such a lifeline. Another important book that goes deeper into the psychology of the male abuser is Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" Bancroft doesn't excuse men who had difficult childhoods; he wants us to understand that these men are making a choice in the present moment to do something they know is wrong.
I’m currently going through this...I love him more than anything but my mental health has never felt more damaged. I don’t want to leave I want to make it work but it is just very hard having to deal with all his verbal abuse
Y’all - that’s called gaslighting. (Yes, it’s a very fine line between verbal abuse and gaslighting; they are so intertwined.) This was a great video. Also check out Dr. Ramani’s videos on narcissistic relationships and abuse. There are dozens of them, and the things she says are absolutely eye-opening. They will help you to understand, no, you are NOT crazy!
My husband hopefully soon to be ex of 17 years brags about how he changed because he doesn't put his hands on me anymore but then the verbal and the psychological abuse it escalated to crazy making levels and always brings up anything I did wrong over and over and over for 17 years it's an argument and the reason to cause a fight so he can ghost me for whatever he's planning on doing you don't see it but soon enough you wake up and you're like this I've been living a lie this whole time you know he has all these beautiful standards that anyone would want and gravitate to and he is not any of them it's just a luring like am I straight up I wish I was in a better spot when I met him I had gone through some trauma so I guess I was very vulnerable and he was so kind at the time it didn't last the kindness is a horror show
My ex would immediately become irate if I didn’t want to do something he wanted to do. It didn’t matter how small it was. If I wouldn’t walk to the shop with him I was “lazy”, if he wouldn’t walk to the shop with me he was merely “busy”. If he was on his phone a lot he was “working” if I was on the phone a lot I was “obsessed” with my phone. If he woke up late he was “having a well deserved lie in” if I did the same I was “sleeping too much”. If he left a door unlocked at night it was an “accident” when I did it he asked if I was on mental health medication. Seriously, I once tried to stay up ONE hour later than him. I was downstairs watching a documentary on my laptop. He came down and asked me to come to bed, I said I’d be up in about 45 mins. He goes upstairs but then comes back 5 mins later and TURNS OFF all the lights.....accuses me of wasting the electricity (which I paid for) and drawing attention to the house late at night (?!?!?) Then storms off to bed leaving me in the dark. It was so absurd I actually burst out laughing. But he really was crazy and abusive.
I am so glad you are out of that relationship, Victoria! And kudos to you for being able to see how absurd it was, looking back. It's like the "frog in hot water" metaphor. Put a frog in boiling water and it leaps out. Put a frog in warm water and turn up the heat, and it adjusts to the unbearable until it's too late.
When a therapist asks what did you do to make him do that to you....get up, run, and don't look back! That's not a therapist who has any knowledge about verbal abuse! We are accountable for our own actions, responses, and reactions!
My partner would say I'm acting stupid, call me a f***ing b** if i didn't agree to his demands, called me incompetent, malicious, disgusting, foolish and so many verbal attacks when he feels slighted by me, or "disrespected". He's called me a sl*t, a wh*ore when we accused me of cheating or felt insecure about some guy. I have never cheated. I started cursing him out back. Which was wrong. But i felt like i had no other choice. I have never been in a relationship where things got so heated and we slid into verbal abuse. NEVER
My husband called me the same things, fucking bitch, selfish twat, useless, no value, failure, stupid as fuck, spoiled princess… the list goes on. He finally tried therapy but decided it’s not working for him because he started to be disrespectful towards the therapist when she called out his behaviour. I started to become aggressive towards him, screaming and yelling at him when he verbal abuses me again, I had nightmares about flashbacks, I retaliate against him with verbal abuse as well, I went crazy. So finally, I left. I’m going through divorce proceedings now.
Patricia Evans book put everything into perspective-I was becoming invisible in my marriage-I was always told how I think feel what I want what I need - to everyone watching this video- get Patricia Evans book it’s wonderful
Yes!!! I felt the same way, too! In fact, a friend of mine credited Patricia Evans with saving his sanity, and it was him who inspired me to reach out and see if she'd be available for an interview. I do believe that her book was, if not divinely inspired, guided by a higher wisdom.
I’ve been told to go to our pastor, as it says in Matthew 18. If you’re husband won’t listen to you,and he is an abusive man & and should go and tell them and then talk about restoration. But I’m afraid to do that, I will be called rebellious and need to repent!Thankyou!
Growing up, I was taught that men have the right to yell in their families. (I was also taught that women just need to learn to yell back!) I internalized the idea that it was okay for someone to yell at me if they were angry. If I made someone mad, it was my own fault how they treated me. What helped me was a therapist who told me: "Your daughter is learning how to be a woman from you. Do you want her to grow up to be just like you?" I realized that I had to change. I had to model boundaries for her. I had to let go of relationships that showed her women being treated poorly.
@@rascallyrabbit I like that analogy! It's true - you think that there's give and take in your relationship. What you don't realize is that the abuser doesn't want you to consider his words and make a thoughtful reply - he wants to hit you with his words, so that he flattens you and you can't get up again.
@@rascallyrabbit One of the greatest things we can do in our lifetime is to make sure the abuse/victim pattern stops with us and doesn't get passed on. It is hard, hard work. But hopefully future generations won't experience abuse - or, if they do experience it, they won't stick around - because of the work WE did with our own healing.
This is a different take on it than I've ever heard, everytime ive tried to bring up the verbal abuse in dealing with, that at time has led to violence and forced confinement, ive been met with the " it takes two, what did you do" type approach and that has been very hard. I just don't bring it up anymore. Seeing this has bsen very helpful and validating
I love this quote from Lundy Bancroft, author of "Why Does He Do That?" Lundy writes: "One of the basic human rights [your abuser] takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you-as will happen to any abused woman from time to time-he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are.”
I did another video where I talked about that quote recently, trying to make sense of WHY the men we love can be so mean to us? It might shed some light! ua-cam.com/video/MITCMR75HiY/v-deo.html
My copy of The Verbally Abusive Relationship was covered in so many highlights! Some people have told me that it was like Patricia Evans had been inside their relationship with them. Hope it is of value to you!
This video is so helpful! I have a question. Is it possible for someone who is verbally abusive to only show this trait to immediate family? Meaning, around work and friends he is a completely different person? Thanks!
Yes!! You are 100% correct. In fact, this is one of the distinguishing features. It's like he's Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde - charming in front of others, and another person entirely at home.
You are welcome, Mari! Patricia Evans is a life-saver. It is so easy to think you're doing the right thing by going to a couples therapist to save your relationship, only to be told that "it takes two" and you should compromise (!).
I had an verbal abuser in my life for 2yrs. I tried cutting him off he wouldn’t leave so end up engaging in arguments w/him talmbout he would never leave my place until he took all his stuff(talkin smack in the process barely touching anything ) my reaction to being be verbally disrespected was to get violent. End up knockin two of the man teeth out his mouth accidentally. He didn’t press charges bc he knew what he’d done before the climax but tht didn’t stop him from guilting me abt it for yrs after the fact. Now it’s 0 tolerance bc ion have time.
One of the things we know is that verbal abuse tends to lead to physical violence. We think it's just words - it's not. Whenever you have anger, contempt, and a power struggle, you've got a volatile mix that can explode at any time. We also know that women who fight back against their abusers can and do get convicted and serve time. There is not enough recognition in the court system about the effects of domestic abuse. As women, it's up to us to get out of these relationships as soon as possible before things go too far - and that's easier said than done.
An abuser doesn't necessarily use 'you're attacking me' that can be used by anyone who is being abused, too. In my research, it's more about lack of effection, being distant, ignoring you, putting you down, nit picking, and calling you names. Abuse is denying someone's emotions. Being angry is not abusive. However, it's abusive if one partner denies the other from expressing their feelings. Invalidating your partner is going to cause pain confusion with the psyche. Not listening to your partner and then telling them your opinions is abusive and inappropriate because they need to be heard and acknowledged. We become abusive when we expect our partner to be who we want them to be rather than allowing them to be who they are. We are not responsible for abusers happeniness. An abuser confuses lust for love and has difficulties bonding with the real/internal partner. Pleasure of the flesh or living by extrinsic motivations or objects, i.e. outside the flesh, it will cause an abusive partner. Having high expectations or a fantasy of your partner will cause one to be abused because of unhealthy and inappropriate high expectations or what I call a delusional fantasy that doesn't exist. If someone is abusive, the best thing I can suggest is to learn to accept your partner for who they are, validate their feelings, and don't be opinionated and show them complete compassion and empathy. ❤️
Hey, Joshua, thanks for your opinions. I would urge anyone who feels that they might be in an abusive relationship to seek professional advice by recognized experts. Patricia Evan's book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" is a great place to start.
Glad to have you on board, Jo Mama! If you're interested in more videos on this topic, I created a specific playlist for toxic relationships: ua-cam.com/play/PLu7hy9DJoWTP9N0F1ctssk9Y7NyphkGlF.html
What the hell is this lady talking about?!! Ive been listening to her go round and round for 10 minutes and I still haven't been able to catch what she's trying to say!
Good luck with your new life! It is amazing how freeing it feels when you don't have to look after a man anymore. You don't have to walk on eggshells, you don't have to cater to his every need, you don't have to bend over backwards. You are free to do ANYTHING you want to do. Enjoy it!
Amy, tell me more please about feeling emotionally disturbed and disconnected whereas your partner felt light and free after talking, after going through an argument? (time 11-12min)
Sorry for the late reply on this! I see this so often. Whenever he feels frustrated, angry, or victimized in life, she's the punching bag. He can blame her for anything, and she'll just take it. She won't fight back. He would never talk to another man or his boss or his mother the way he talks to her, because they WOULD fight back. After he rages at her, all those negative emotions are out of him. He feels light, free, released. It's like a good therapy session. But now he's poured all those toxic emotions into her, and she has to carry them. She gets all of his grossness, and she has nowhere to get rid of it, because she feels she can't talk about what's happening to anyone.
There is only one therapist who can tackle the rehabilitation of verbally abusive men and succeed more often than not, and it's Dr. Terry Real. Terry takes sides. He lifts up the weak partner and softens the harsh partner. He trains coaches in his style of therapy, called Relational Life Therapy. You can learn more here: relationallife.com/
Patricia Evans has found in her research that the percentage of verbally abusive males (over 90%) far outstrips the percentage of verbally abusive females. However, this is a controversial finding, and not everyone accepts it.
@@YourBrilliance I’m sure many men don’t report it... which is why that percentage is so low as well.. even though I do believe the abusive men are a higher number than women.
@@MoeSoNatural I think you're right. It may be that, because put-downs and trash talk are normal parts of macho culture, men don't see them as a red flag when an intimate partner does it. But there may also be something in masculine culture itself that teaches men control and domination as a way of fighting their way to the top, which then seeps into their intimate relationships. Patricia Evans' next book will tackle the origins of abuse deep in our human past, and I'm very much looking forward to it.
Hey, Jose, you might want to check out another channel for the information you need. Your Brilliance is a channel for women, so we don't have anything on here for men.
@ Jose Collier : the basics of verbal abuse do not change due to gender. Verbal abusers of course can be either gender & any orientation. Listen to the info here, it is helpful.
His "feeling function is not developed..." What crap. There is no excuse for abuse. Patricia Evans gives too many excuses and lets the man who is behaving badly off the hook. She obviously has not gone through such abuse herself. It is not okay ever and it is frustrating to watch this . oh dear... he felt "attacked".. not okay. Stop blaming the victim.
What many abuse survivors want to know is WHY. Why did this happen? Why did he treat me this way? What was going through his head? That's what Patricia Evans is trying to address here. Explaining isn't excusing.
I wish this wasn't so biased, Men are the only once that are abusers. Open it up to not be so sexual biased by studying this person or your spouse not just he.
Hey, Derek, this is a website for women, so we only deal with women's issues. If you want information for men, check out a different channel. UA-cam is full of content for men.
Are you ready to leave? These 3 tips can help: ua-cam.com/video/2w4uHLz3YMI/v-deo.html
I’ve been reading Patricia’s book:
The Verbally Abusive Relationship
For almost a month.
Two days ago, I threw what I needed into my car (in his name) and drove away. And I’m not going back. I was dying inside and I knew he wouldn’t stop. I plan to tell him why. I pray he gets help. But I’m not his emotional punching bag for him to take out his anger and frustration on.
Yay! You are NOT his emotional punching bag, and now you never have to be again. :) Do you have somewhere to stay, Cindy? Do you have friends/family to help?
Oh gosh this is exactly how I feel an emotional punching bag
I hope you’re ok Cindy
When she said he is happy afterwards but it took days for her to recover my heart feel on the floor that's me 🥺 I am at my wits end now I have physical pain...
Thinking about you!! It's no surprise that your body is hurting - our bodies hurt as a way of telling us that they can't survive in the environment we've put them in. Do you have a friend or a family member you can go to and tell them what's going on and get support and maybe eventually a place to stay when you're ready to leave?
😢same
@@themagmapizza5264me also 😩. Separated.
He told me that i am a shitty person, and that it was my fault that everything is my fault. He always asks me if im happy that he is upset. He also said that im not a normal person.
I sometimes wonder if all verbally abusive guys are given a script, and they just read off these lines to every single woman they meet. What's even crazier is that this guy expects you to BELIEVE him! He really thinks he can convince you that you're a bad person. Verbally abusive guys are always the victim. They twist it so you're the one at fault. You have no idea what's going on - this guy is supposed to love you, why would he say that? And it makes you feel like you're going crazy. That's called "gaslighting," and it's a technique used to control. I know one thing - you are TOTALLY normal, the way you're feeling is TOTALLY understandable, and the fact that you care enough to try to figure out what's going on PROVES that you're a good person.
Thank you. My husband is verbally abusive and it’s scary. He’s also verbally abusive to our son, who just turned 15, and now our son is acting that way. I’m mentally exhausted.
Is there someone/somewhere you can get some help, Suzanne? Helping yourself will help your son, who's learning those toxic behaviors and may very well end up repeating them in his own relationships. It is so tiring to be constantly beaten down. If you dare to think about leaving, your husband will escalate his behavior. I did a video on how to leave a toxic relationship - it may or may not be of some help: ua-cam.com/video/2w4uHLz3YMI/v-deo.html
There is a great children's book, "Words Are Not For Hurting". I think it should also be read by adults that didn't learn this as children.
Thank you for that reference! Here is the Amazon link to the book for folks who want to check it out: www.amazon.com/Words-Hurting-Board-Book-Behavior/dp/1575421550
This is so disturbing. I love my ex and I tried everything to make it work but this was breaking me down and I had to leave. I’ve never experienced this level of attachment to a man and I’ve never experienced this level of emotional and verbal abuse. Everything that he is, he’d project on me... weak, scary, narcissistic, unthoughtful, selfish, etc. and it actually rattled my reality in trying to please him more and more losing myself. I could not understand how he was so out of touch with reality. I’m still emotionally messed up about it. He shared with me that his mom was in abusive relationships and that he witnessed it. I believe during that time of him growing up, he latched on to those characteristics of his mother’s abusers. He prides himself on not being physically abusive and not cheating but his emotional abuse toward me was the worse thing I ever encountered in a relationship
I'm so sorry! That's the worst part about it - how it messes up your mind, and how long it takes to recover your sense of confidence in who you are and what is real. Reading Patricia Evans' book was such a lifeline. Another important book that goes deeper into the psychology of the male abuser is Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" Bancroft doesn't excuse men who had difficult childhoods; he wants us to understand that these men are making a choice in the present moment to do something they know is wrong.
Yep...
I’m currently going through this...I love him more than anything but my mental health has never felt more damaged. I don’t want to leave I want to make it work but it is just very hard having to deal with all his verbal abuse
Y’all - that’s called gaslighting. (Yes, it’s a very fine line between verbal abuse and gaslighting; they are so intertwined.) This was a great video. Also check out Dr. Ramani’s videos on narcissistic relationships and abuse. There are dozens of them, and the things she says are absolutely eye-opening. They will help you to understand, no, you are NOT crazy!
My husband hopefully soon to be ex of 17 years brags about how he changed because he doesn't put his hands on me anymore but then the verbal and the psychological abuse it escalated to crazy making levels and always brings up anything I did wrong over and over and over for 17 years it's an argument and the reason to cause a fight so he can ghost me for whatever he's planning on doing you don't see it but soon enough you wake up and you're like this I've been living a lie this whole time you know he has all these beautiful standards that anyone would want and gravitate to and he is not any of them it's just a luring like am I straight up I wish I was in a better spot when I met him I had gone through some trauma so I guess I was very vulnerable and he was so kind at the time it didn't last the kindness is a horror show
My ex would immediately become irate if I didn’t want to do something he wanted to do. It didn’t matter how small it was. If I wouldn’t walk to the shop with him I was “lazy”, if he wouldn’t walk to the shop with me he was merely “busy”. If he was on his phone a lot he was “working” if I was on the phone a lot I was “obsessed” with my phone. If he woke up late he was “having a well deserved lie in” if I did the same I was “sleeping too much”. If he left a door unlocked at night it was an “accident” when I did it he asked if I was on mental health medication. Seriously, I once tried to stay up ONE hour later than him. I was downstairs watching a documentary on my laptop. He came down and asked me to come to bed, I said I’d be up in about 45 mins. He goes upstairs but then comes back 5 mins later and TURNS OFF all the lights.....accuses me of wasting the electricity (which I paid for) and drawing attention to the house late at night (?!?!?)
Then storms off to bed leaving me in the dark. It was so absurd I actually burst out laughing. But he really was crazy and abusive.
I am so glad you are out of that relationship, Victoria! And kudos to you for being able to see how absurd it was, looking back. It's like the "frog in hot water" metaphor. Put a frog in boiling water and it leaps out. Put a frog in warm water and turn up the heat, and it adjusts to the unbearable until it's too late.
Exactly. The verbal attacks which can come in a wide variety of situations and delivery methods become a reliable source of control.
When a therapist asks what did you do to make him do that to you....get up, run, and don't look back! That's not a therapist who has any knowledge about verbal abuse! We are accountable for our own actions, responses, and reactions!
Exactly the therapist is probably a narcissist
My partner would say I'm acting stupid, call me a f***ing b** if i didn't agree to his demands, called me incompetent, malicious, disgusting, foolish and so many verbal attacks when he feels slighted by me, or "disrespected". He's called me a sl*t, a wh*ore when we accused me of cheating or felt insecure about some guy. I have never cheated. I started cursing him out back. Which was wrong. But i felt like i had no other choice. I have never been in a relationship where things got so heated and we slid into verbal abuse. NEVER
Are you still with him, Gathoni?
My husband called me the same things, fucking bitch, selfish twat, useless, no value, failure, stupid as fuck, spoiled princess… the list goes on. He finally tried therapy but decided it’s not working for him because he started to be disrespectful towards the therapist when she called out his behaviour. I started to become aggressive towards him, screaming and yelling at him when he verbal abuses me again, I had nightmares about flashbacks, I retaliate against him with verbal abuse as well, I went crazy. So finally, I left. I’m going through divorce proceedings now.
"The key was in his hand, but she found a way to unlock herself."
Beautiful!!!
@@YourBrilliance thank you!🙏
Good for her!
is an act of violence in the form of speech that decreases self-confidence and adds to feelings of helplessness.
@ Poison Mistymoon : perfectly described.
Patricia Evans book put everything into perspective-I was becoming invisible in my marriage-I was always told how I think feel what I want what I need - to everyone watching this video- get Patricia Evans book it’s wonderful
It is - it's lifesaving!! :)
I’m in the midst of this right now. Reading Patricia’s book is the only thing that helps me feel sane, and that someone understands it.
Yes!!! I felt the same way, too! In fact, a friend of mine credited Patricia Evans with saving his sanity, and it was him who inspired me to reach out and see if she'd be available for an interview. I do believe that her book was, if not divinely inspired, guided by a higher wisdom.
All I can say is “WOW!!! First few minutes and I feel like you have nailed this on the head!!!
Great Reminder..
Excellent Insight this women Patricia Evens has
Th Ankh You
Thank you for interviewing Mrs Evans!! ✅✅
She is a legend!!!
Individuality of partner threatens connection.
Love you, Patricia Evans!
You dont have to say anything for these abusers to attack you.
Very true!
I’ve been told to go to our pastor, as it says in Matthew 18. If you’re husband won’t listen to you,and he is an abusive man & and should go and tell them and then talk about restoration. But I’m afraid to do that, I will be called rebellious and need to repent!Thankyou!
Growing up, I was taught that men have the right to yell in their families. (I was also taught that women just need to learn to yell back!) I internalized the idea that it was okay for someone to yell at me if they were angry. If I made someone mad, it was my own fault how they treated me. What helped me was a therapist who told me: "Your daughter is learning how to be a woman from you. Do you want her to grow up to be just like you?" I realized that I had to change. I had to model boundaries for her. I had to let go of relationships that showed her women being treated poorly.
probably you will get blamed. so sad but so true. try to remember that the abuser is playing dodgeball and he has the ball. you are playing tennis.
@@rascallyrabbit I like that analogy! It's true - you think that there's give and take in your relationship. What you don't realize is that the abuser doesn't want you to consider his words and make a thoughtful reply - he wants to hit you with his words, so that he flattens you and you can't get up again.
sadly my mom stopped getting up and I learned that behavior...but, now, I see the game and leave🤗🤗
@@rascallyrabbit One of the greatest things we can do in our lifetime is to make sure the abuse/victim pattern stops with us and doesn't get passed on. It is hard, hard work. But hopefully future generations won't experience abuse - or, if they do experience it, they won't stick around - because of the work WE did with our own healing.
Love you Patricia Evans!
Patricia Evans is a legend!!!
This is a different take on it than I've ever heard, everytime ive tried to bring up the verbal abuse in dealing with, that at time has led to violence and forced confinement, ive been met with the " it takes two, what did you do" type approach and that has been very hard. I just don't bring it up anymore. Seeing this has bsen very helpful and validating
I love this quote from Lundy Bancroft, author of "Why Does He Do That?" Lundy writes: "One of the basic human rights [your abuser] takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you-as will happen to any abused woman from time to time-he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are.”
I did another video where I talked about that quote recently, trying to make sense of WHY the men we love can be so mean to us? It might shed some light! ua-cam.com/video/MITCMR75HiY/v-deo.html
Just bought your book. Am very anxious to start reading it.
My copy of The Verbally Abusive Relationship was covered in so many highlights! Some people have told me that it was like Patricia Evans had been inside their relationship with them. Hope it is of value to you!
This video is so helpful! I have a question. Is it possible for someone who is verbally abusive to only show this trait to immediate family? Meaning, around work and friends he is a completely different person? Thanks!
Yes!! You are 100% correct. In fact, this is one of the distinguishing features. It's like he's Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde - charming in front of others, and another person entirely at home.
@@YourBrilliance Thank you!
This information is incredible! Thank you!! 🙏
You're so welcome! :)
Thank you for sharing this!
You are welcome, Mari! Patricia Evans is a life-saver. It is so easy to think you're doing the right thing by going to a couples therapist to save your relationship, only to be told that "it takes two" and you should compromise (!).
17:00 -- 18:30 this is so very important
Great video ❤️👍🏼
Thanks a lot! It was such an honor to do this interview.
The couples counselor is enabling the abuser!
I had an verbal abuser in my life for 2yrs. I tried cutting him off he wouldn’t leave so end up engaging in arguments w/him talmbout he would never leave my place until he took all his stuff(talkin smack in the process barely touching anything ) my reaction to being be verbally disrespected was to get violent. End up knockin two of the man teeth out his mouth accidentally. He didn’t press charges bc he knew what he’d done before the climax but tht didn’t stop him from guilting me abt it for yrs after the fact. Now it’s 0 tolerance bc ion have time.
One of the things we know is that verbal abuse tends to lead to physical violence. We think it's just words - it's not. Whenever you have anger, contempt, and a power struggle, you've got a volatile mix that can explode at any time. We also know that women who fight back against their abusers can and do get convicted and serve time. There is not enough recognition in the court system about the effects of domestic abuse. As women, it's up to us to get out of these relationships as soon as possible before things go too far - and that's easier said than done.
An abuser doesn't necessarily use 'you're attacking me' that can be used by anyone who is being abused, too. In my research, it's more about lack of effection, being distant, ignoring you, putting you down, nit picking, and calling you names. Abuse is denying someone's emotions. Being angry is not abusive. However, it's abusive if one partner denies the other from expressing their feelings. Invalidating your partner is going to cause pain confusion with the psyche. Not listening to your partner and then telling them your opinions is abusive and inappropriate because they need to be heard and acknowledged.
We become abusive when we expect our partner to be who we want them to be rather than allowing them to be who they are.
We are not responsible for abusers happeniness.
An abuser confuses lust for love and has difficulties bonding with the real/internal partner. Pleasure of the flesh or living by extrinsic motivations or objects, i.e. outside the flesh, it will cause an abusive partner.
Having high expectations or a fantasy of your partner will cause one to be abused because of unhealthy and inappropriate high expectations or what I call a delusional fantasy that doesn't exist.
If someone is abusive, the best thing I can suggest is to learn to accept your partner for who they are, validate their feelings, and don't be opinionated and show them complete compassion and empathy. ❤️
Hey, Joshua, thanks for your opinions. I would urge anyone who feels that they might be in an abusive relationship to seek professional advice by recognized experts. Patricia Evan's book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" is a great place to start.
You believe abusers should be accepted for who they are. I agree. They should be accepted and promptly abandoned permanently.
Liked and subscribed.
Glad to have you on board, Jo Mama! If you're interested in more videos on this topic, I created a specific playlist for toxic relationships: ua-cam.com/play/PLu7hy9DJoWTP9N0F1ctssk9Y7NyphkGlF.html
Story of my life
Hope you're taking good care of yourself, Arlene!!!
Get her book you will heal faster
What the hell is this lady talking about?!! Ive been listening to her go round and round for 10 minutes and I still haven't been able to catch what she's trying to say!
I see comment after comment about abusive MEN. Women can be verbally abusive as well, I know first hand.
That's because this is a channel for women, David. There are lots of channels out there for men that will have the content you're seeking.
He would be mean, i would not want to be intimate with him, then he would be mean all day til he RAGED! Divorced will be done within the next month.
Good luck with your new life! It is amazing how freeing it feels when you don't have to look after a man anymore. You don't have to walk on eggshells, you don't have to cater to his every need, you don't have to bend over backwards. You are free to do ANYTHING you want to do. Enjoy it!
Amy, tell me more please about feeling emotionally disturbed and disconnected whereas your partner felt light and free after talking, after going through an argument? (time 11-12min)
How could I help my husband with self-respect, self-love, real freedom?
Sorry for the late reply on this! I see this so often. Whenever he feels frustrated, angry, or victimized in life, she's the punching bag. He can blame her for anything, and she'll just take it. She won't fight back. He would never talk to another man or his boss or his mother the way he talks to her, because they WOULD fight back. After he rages at her, all those negative emotions are out of him. He feels light, free, released. It's like a good therapy session. But now he's poured all those toxic emotions into her, and she has to carry them. She gets all of his grossness, and she has nowhere to get rid of it, because she feels she can't talk about what's happening to anyone.
There is only one therapist who can tackle the rehabilitation of verbally abusive men and succeed more often than not, and it's Dr. Terry Real. Terry takes sides. He lifts up the weak partner and softens the harsh partner. He trains coaches in his style of therapy, called Relational Life Therapy. You can learn more here: relationallife.com/
What's the percentage of verbally abusive males vs females
Patricia Evans has found in her research that the percentage of verbally abusive males (over 90%) far outstrips the percentage of verbally abusive females. However, this is a controversial finding, and not everyone accepts it.
@@YourBrilliance I’m sure many men don’t report it... which is why that percentage is so low as well.. even though I do believe the abusive men are a higher number than women.
@@MoeSoNatural I think you're right. It may be that, because put-downs and trash talk are normal parts of macho culture, men don't see them as a red flag when an intimate partner does it. But there may also be something in masculine culture itself that teaches men control and domination as a way of fighting their way to the top, which then seeps into their intimate relationships. Patricia Evans' next book will tackle the origins of abuse deep in our human past, and I'm very much looking forward to it.
Why go out of your way to appease the narcissist? The narc is not important/powerful.
Pretty much..
I love you ❤
14:25 listen up
Kinda doesnt make sense and all over the place.
Wish I could find something on abusive women so I can help a friend. They do exist you know. Unbelievably bias
Hey, Jose, you might want to check out another channel for the information you need. Your Brilliance is a channel for women, so we don't have anything on here for men.
@ Jose Collier : the basics of verbal abuse do not change due to gender. Verbal abusers of course can be either gender & any orientation. Listen to the info here, it is helpful.
His "feeling function is not developed..." What crap. There is no excuse for abuse. Patricia Evans gives too many excuses and lets the man who is behaving badly off the hook. She obviously has not gone through such abuse herself. It is not okay ever and it is frustrating to watch this . oh dear... he felt "attacked".. not okay. Stop blaming the victim.
What many abuse survivors want to know is WHY. Why did this happen? Why did he treat me this way? What was going through his head? That's what Patricia Evans is trying to address here. Explaining isn't excusing.
I wish this wasn't so biased, Men are the only once that are abusers. Open it up to not be so sexual biased by studying this person or your spouse not just he.
Hey, Derek, this is a website for women, so we only deal with women's issues. If you want information for men, check out a different channel. UA-cam is full of content for men.